I'm getting so lazy. I haven't written jack shit for my novel in god knows how long, my day to day consists of playing battlefield (i'm level 91 now, oh dear) and applying for jobs, chilling at my friend's house after he finishes work and talking shit / about the lack of development in my life. My two closest friends, I love like brothers, but I think my constant talk of moving is putting them off a bit. I need to get out of here.
In the same way I regard finishing my work as some panacea to, well, my life, i'm starting to see moving to Bristol as the cure to all my problems. All the people I used to hang with at school piss me off, for various reasons. Either being really cliquey, or just being really.... i'd say drained of personality. Flawed though they were at school, there was a strong sense of identity in each individual. A character of the soul, or whatever pretentious shite you want to label it. Now there is.... I don't know, but I can't relate. I feel isolated in some respects, but whenever I see them I think "good fucking god, how tedious".
What's even worse it that the proto bar manager of what could be considered my local, or at least my favourite pisshole, is a former friend who takes career advancement really seriously. No longer welcome am I, he without ID. For better or worse most people know me, and I haven't done anything daft or stupid since the time I came back in my first year of uni, 2 years ago. If they know who I am and it can be easily verified, why be so hard on me?
All this snapchat stuff, all this smartphone culture, I can't relate. I have a 'shottas' phone, for the love of fuck. I don't particularly want a smartphone either. But when people talk to me, it's like it's from some bizarro planet where everyone is so funny, or so interesting, when they just communicate on some shitey software. I feel left out again, but I feel justified, again.
I started emailing this girl who I met on the bus a while ago as well. Turned out she was only 16, which really unsettled me. It's not like it's illegal, but it seems real fucking seedy. Didn't speak to her for about 2 months, now she emails me back asking to spend the afternoon together. I will, maybe it'll just be a nice day of talking about poetry or whatever, but I really hope she's 17 now. An arbitrary number will make me feel less like some sort of malignant cancerous fuckup.
I'm afraid that in 10 years time, I will have fulfilled none of my ambitions, my true friends will have moved on, and I will just be a bitter husk. I'll be right, all of the time, sure. Wonderful. Great. But does that really make being alone all the time worth it?