Pour Your Heart Out XVII

[Leftsolidarity]

Continue

[Quail]

I feel unacceptably fat and want to go on a diet, but I don't know if I'm capable of dieting without getting to the ridiculous stage where I count calories in chewing gum and diet drinks, and worry about weird shit like inhaling calories or absorbing them through my skin. I never want to go back to the "just eat one shreddie every hour to keep your energy up" kind of insanity that comes with anorexia, but I'm worried that I'm just going to gain weight exponentially now that I'm eating properly. I don't know whether when I tell myself it's okay to eat something, it's because it's okay to eat it or if I'm just deluding myself that it's okay to overeat all the time. Is that just one of anorexia's tricks? I don't know.

[Decolonize The Left]

I feel unacceptably fat and want to go on a diet, but I don't know if I'm capable of dieting without getting to the ridiculous stage where I count calories in chewing gum and diet drinks, and worry about weird shit like inhaling calories or absorbing them through my skin. I never want to go back to the "just eat one shreddie every hour to keep your energy up" kind of insanity that comes with anorexia, but I'm worried that I'm just going to gain weight exponentially now that I'm eating properly. I don't know whether when I tell myself it's okay to eat something, it's because it's okay to eat it or if I'm just deluding myself that it's okay to overeat all the time. Is that just one of anorexia's tricks? I don't know.

Exercise. Continue to eat "properly" but couple it with a good exercise regime. This way you can lose weight, or maintain your weight, and still enjoy the benefits of a healthy diet.

[Quail]

At the moment I'm doing 2 hours of Judo twice a week, and I'm quite active in my day to day life walking around and stuff. I've just calculated my BMI as 19.3 so maybe it wouldn't actually be all that healthy to try and lose weight anyway. For some reason I was expecting it to be higher than that. I think I've probably gained some muscle mass from Judo, but I just look and feel really big around the stomach and hips. Perhaps I also need to get some clothes in a bigger size, but I feel really weird about buying things that aren't in the smallest size. It's terrible reducing my self-worth to a number on the label of my clothing, but I still seem to do it. I'm wearing my size X trousers today and I feel bad that these used to be unflatteringly too big for me, but now they fit fine. Maybe I just don't even know what a healthy body is supposed to look like anymore so it's impossible to judge how I look. I also remember what my body looked like when I was too thin, and I think of protruding hip bones and ribs as "normal" because they were to me, and then there are all these unrealistic body shapes promoted on tv, in films, etc., and it's hard to know what really is normal. Just rambling, sorry.

[thriller]

Fuck. Thanks everyone for always canceling on me. Thanks everyone for excluding me from hanging out because couples night is more important than the bond we've shared before you ever even got laid. Thanks everyone for having me listen to your problems for hours on end that so consume your soul just to have yourself turn around the next day and do the same horrible shit again. Thanks everyone for ignoring me because I'm not trendy enough or have enough money as you. I'm glad my compassion helped you in your time of need and taught you how to take advantage of my genuine love and understanding for you. Glad to know I can be easily used, let's me know my place and status in my relationships.
NOTE: Obviously this is directed at no one here, just two-faced fucks IRL.

[Brutus]

Fuck. Thanks everyone for always canceling on me. Thanks everyone for excluding me from hanging out because couples night is more important than the bond we've shared before you ever even got laid. Thanks everyone for having me listen to your problems for hours on end that so consume your soul just to have yourself turn around the next day and do the same horrible shit again. Thanks everyone for ignoring me because I'm not trendy enough or have enough money as you. I'm glad my compassion helped you in your time of need and taught you how to take advantage of my genuine love and understanding for you. Glad to know I can be easily used, let's me know my place and status in my relationships.
NOTE: Obviously this is directed at no one here, just two-faced fucks IRL.

Women corrupt comrade. Love is a worse drug than heroin.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I just found out yesterday that the strange symptoms I've been experiencing over the past couple months might be the result of a serious medical condition. I have to go back to the doctor's today to do some more bloodwork...not cool.

[Brutus]

I just found out yesterday that the strange symptoms I've been experiencing over the past couple months might be the result of a serious medical condition. I have to go back to the doctor's today to do some more bloodwork...not cool.

How serious?

[Os Cangaceiros]

It has to do with my blood glucose. Which is pretty unexpected since I'm not overweight at all, nor is there really any history of that in my family.

I don't know how bad it is, though. I've been having some really bizarre physical symptoms and I looked them up online, and that's basically what it said was indicative of. I'm usually not one to give myself a diagnosis over the internet but the symptoms were EXACTLY what I'd been experiencing, so I went to the doctor to get a test.

I got the feeling when I was in the clinic that they thought I was delusional or something, since I'm physically fit and young and all that, but the doctor called me later on that day and said that my test results were "abnormal" and that I'd need to come back in for more blood tests and to get some medication. I don't really want to go on medication but I guess that's the hand I've been dealt.

But like I said, I don't really know much at this point. I'm going back in today and hopefully I'll know more then.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I feel like I'm becoming an alcoholic, like my life revolves around getting drunk and I'm not even 21 yet. Like I'm starting to get irritated when I don't have it even though a lot of the times when I drink it just makes me more depressed about shit(thank god I haven't broken down crying in front of friends or anything though). Everytime I get drunk I inevitably start to think about my alcoholic dad and the last time he was in jail. He'd been drinking heavily as usual which was a violation of his probation so he was arrested. For those of you who have, visiting someone in jail/prison is probably one of the most depressing things one could do, especially to see your father in it. My sister and I go to visit him and at this point he's just going cold turkey obviously and it's really fucking with him. He's all beat up and bruised from the guards, he's super skinny when the last I saw him he was built, and he was hallucinating. We're talking to him and he thanks me for being in there with him. Being in there with him, I'm not in jail. He tells me that I was, that every night I sneak into his cell and chat with him about life and God. He tells me in the most serious voice with the craziest look in his eyes that it's the only thing that keeps him sane in there.

That memory haunts me when I drink, I just remember the look on my fathers bruised and battered face as he goes insane and can't tell the difference between reality and a world that his mind creates. I don't want to become that man but it's like I'm becoming more like him every day.

[Landsharks eat metal]

so tired of my body. I feel like I'll never be seen as a man. I have rather feminine features, a huge chest, and am only 5'2". There have been a few times that people glanced at me quickly and thought I was a little boy, but that's just about it. I feel like every trans guy in the world except me can pass. I guess it could be my mannerisms, too, since I'm lacking in self confidence, but I don't see that changing any sooner than my body.

Lately I've been wishing I could just stop eating because I hate myself so much. probably the dumbest thing I've ever thought.

[TheRedAnarchist23]

I just found out my body mass index is 17,3. That is incredibly low!
I am 1.70 meters tall, and I weigh 50 kilos, or as my father would say "as much as a bag of potatoes".

Does this mean I have anorexia and I never knew about it?

[Quail]

I just found out my body mass index is 17,3. That is incredibly low!
I am 1.70 meters tall, and I weigh 50 kilos, or as my father would say "as much as a bag of potatoes".

Does this mean I have anorexia and I never knew about it?

You'd know if you had anorexia. See "just eat one shreddie every hour to keep your energy up" in my previous post. Oh, and hiding food up my sleeves and puking all the time. BMI isn't always the best measure of how healthy your weight is, but 17.3 is pretty low (part of me is jealous). Maybe you should have a look at your diet and the energy you're expending and see if maybe you need to eat more.

[TheRedAnarchist23]

You'd know if you had anorexia. See "just eat one shreddie every hour to keep your energy up" in my previous post. Oh, and hiding food up my sleeves and puking all the time. BMI isn't always the best measure of how healthy your weight is, but 17.3 is pretty low (part of me is jealous). Maybe you should have a look at your diet and the energy you're expending and see if maybe you need to eat more.

Well. I don't have strange eating habits, nor anorexia or bulimia. I am not in a diet, I rarely exercise, and I spend most of my day sitting down, either at the computer or at school. Don't be jealous, you can see every bone in my body.
I don't see what the problem is. I eat normaly, but my weight never seems to go above 50 kilos!
This is so ridiculous that I have come to say that loosing weight is easy, you just have not to eat, but gaining weight is hard, you have to be constantly eating.
I just can't eat constantly. I have been told several times I need to eat more, but it doesn't work.
Maybe it is because I only have lunch and dinner, and a few little things in the middle.

What do you sugest?

[Quail]

I usually find having breakfast actually makes me hungrier at lunch. You could also try having nuts and dried fruit around just to snack on kind of mindlessly as you're doing other stuff. It took me a long time to find a balance but I try to eat healthy high-calorie stuff like peanut butter and nuts more often to up my calorie intake. Some people just have a naturally high metabolism though.

[Leftsolidarity]

I just realized why I love watching The Office so much. It's cuz at least Michael is more pathetic than me so out of the other people I'm mostly likely to be Jim and he's cool. Sometimes I worry I might be Dwight, though.

[Os Cangaceiros]

welp, my worst fears have been realized. I have to give myself injections now. Life lately seems like a waking nightmare.

[Art Vandelay]

welp, my worst fears have been realized. I have to give myself injections now. Life lately seems like a waking nightmare.

I'm sorry to hear that man, I'm hoping its nothing too serious and that these injections are the extent of what you need to stay healthy. Regardless, I wish you all the best!

[Art Vandelay]

I just told my girlfriend that I've attempted to commit suicide twice. The good part of me knows, that she deserved to know and the other part of me just feels guilty cause now she feels like a shitty girlfriend since she can't make me happy (which is so ridiculous cause if anyone is lucky in this relationship its me, she's going to school to become a doctor, is gorgeous and responsible; I drink and smoke too much, suffer from depression and am about to drop out of school). It seems like a fucking lose-lose to me, on the one hand I make her upset and feel bad, on the other I keep something from my significant other that she deserves to know. Waiting for a response as we speak.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I'm sorry to hear that man, I'm hoping its nothing too serious and that these injections are the extent of what you need to stay healthy. Regardless, I wish you all the best!

Well hopefully in a week to ten days they'll get all my work back and then hopefully I won't have to shoot myself up anymore, and I can move on to pills. It's weird because my blood sugar is insanely high yet I don't feel particularly bad at all. I've never gone into a coma or anything from drinking a ton of soda and eating candy, not even when I've got the symptoms within the last couple months. But I guess these are the cards I've been dealt so I gotta play them.