Pour Your Heart Out 15

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Let it all out, easy now.

(Lets try and keep the complaining about the lack of Roman numerals to a minimum.lol)

Link to the old thread: http://www.revleft.com/vb/pour-your-...5/index13.html

[Igor]

Can't get any sleep, sucks.

[Art Vandelay]

Fucking regular numbe....oh never mind.

[Leftsolidarity]

Roman numerals or die!!!11!!1!1

But anywho, to what (I forget ur new name but I know it was Canius) said about a girlfriend moving in.

Yeah, I'm a little worried about that too but were both really laid back about shit so I feel like we won't get on each others nerves too much or anything like that. We both have our own lives too which I think will help keep things from being like "wtf all I do is sit around with you".

Idk, though. Never really done this before so I'm not sure how it'll go down. Kinda nervous but excited at the same time.

[Quail]

It would be okay if it had been normal numbers from the beginning, but now the threads don't match which really irritates me for some reason. I like things to match.

I really don't know how to feel at the moment. I can go from contemplating suicide to laughing at everything as though I'm stoned or something in a day. I was going to go to a doctor about a few things, mostly anxiety-related stuff, but I don't think there's any point. Either I won't be taken seriously or I'll be offered medication which I don't want. I lied to my parents and said I was doing okay without my medication, but I'm not really. It's just second nature to me to lie and say everything is fine, and it's like my brain isn't connected to my mouth. I can be there with someone, thinking of all these things that I need to say but all that comes out of my mouth is, "I'm fine." Therapy seems a little pointless because I can talk logically about what I should do, how I should feel until the cows come home but I can't apply any of it in practice. I need to learn to cope with my feelings before I can work on the underlying issues which have affected my mental health all of these years, but that just seems impossible. I just don't get how to move forward. I may as well just accept that I'll never get any better.

Sorry for the ramble. It's late.

[Robespierres Neck]

I've missed you guys. I'm back. I hope Negative Creep remembers me.

[Landsharks eat metal]

It would be okay if it had been normal numbers from the beginning, but now the threads don't match which really irritates me for some reason. I like things to match.

I really don't know how to feel at the moment. I can go from contemplating suicide to laughing at everything as though I'm stoned or something in a day. I was going to go to a doctor about a few things, mostly anxiety-related stuff, but I don't think there's any point. Either I won't be taken seriously or I'll be offered medication which I don't want. I lied to my parents and said I was doing okay without my medication, but I'm not really. It's just second nature to me to lie and say everything is fine, and it's like my brain isn't connected to my mouth. I can be there with someone, thinking of all these things that I need to say but all that comes out of my mouth is, "I'm fine." Therapy seems a little pointless because I can talk logically about what I should do, how I should feel until the cows come home but I can't apply any of it in practice. I need to learn to cope with my feelings before I can work on the underlying issues which have affected my mental health all of these years, but that just seems impossible. I just don't get how to move forward. I may as well just accept that I'll never get any better.

Sorry for the ramble. It's late.

I know exactly what you mean. I lie so much, pretending I'm doing okay that sometimes I manage to fool myself. It just seems fucking worthless to even live.

nothing matters and i've forgotten how to care because the only thing that ever happens is people tell me I'm wrong for feeling and fuck it all who cares nobody but there's nothing i can do

i can't breathe because just thinking about how i'm a terrible worthless person who is only good for inflicting pain on myself and others and this is all I ever say here so i probably annoy the fuck out of everyoneinthis thread because i refuse to listen because i just can't because i'm too stupid to realize how i'm not worthless because i am or am i i don't know but i think people would have liked me if i weren't and not jsut because they feel bad for me god i'm so sick somebody tell me how to kill myself because i still haven't figured it out.

[Quail]

I don't think you annoy people here. It's hard to take on board positive stuff when you feel worthless. People tell me that they like me, care about me, they think I'm interesting, they don't think I'm fat, etc. but I don't believe them. There's nothing wrong with feeling. I don't know what the circumstances are, but your feelings are valid and you shouldn't let people make you feel that they aren't. I actually booted up my laptop to type this instead of using my phone because it's hard to type on a phone. I'm pretty rambly, sorry. I just binged and purged on cider and crisps so I'm kind of drunk as well as feeling out of it from puking. It's just so easy to convince yourself that all your negative thoughts are true and ignore all the evidence to the contrary and it sucks to see you feeling so bad. This

i can't breathe because just thinking about how i'm a terrible worthless person who is only good for inflicting pain on myself and others and this is all I ever say here so i probably annoy the fuck out of everyoneinthis thread because i refuse to listen because i just can't because i'm too stupid to realize how i'm not worthless because i am or am i i don't know but i think people would have liked me if i weren't and not jsut because they feel bad for me god i'm so sick somebody tell me how to kill myself because i still haven't figured it out.

is like something I could have posted and I hate to think that other people feel as bad as or worse than I do. Feel better LEM.

[Lanky Wanker]

PYHO threads are great when you can actually put your feelings into words... I don't even have anything to say. I'm in one of those prison cell psychology moods at the moment. Went to this connexions place today to get advice about finding an apprenticeship which sort of made me feel less hopeless, but I just can't be bothered worrying about it anymore. Anyway, the lady I had my appointment with was really nice. They give out free condoms there; as if I don't have enough of the whole penis and vagina thing floating around my face already (not literally).

[MotherCossack]

well.... it happened!!!!
we moved!!!!
i am never, never, ever moving again..... ever again.... no, no.... me stay put!!!!
me want to stick to me lickle spot.... right here.... til i drop dead!!!!!

i am bereft!
i want to go home!!!!
this house is wierd..... i want my own mad messy magical old flat instead!!!
you can take the garden and the 2 extra broom cupboards.... i mean bedrooms..... and stick them up your bum!!!!

[PC LOAD LETTER]

It would be okay if it had been normal numbers from the beginning, but now the threads don't match which really irritates me for some reason. I like things to match.

I really don't know how to feel at the moment. I can go from contemplating suicide to laughing at everything as though I'm stoned or something in a day. I was going to go to a doctor about a few things, mostly anxiety-related stuff, but I don't think there's any point. Either I won't be taken seriously or I'll be offered medication which I don't want. I lied to my parents and said I was doing okay without my medication, but I'm not really. It's just second nature to me to lie and say everything is fine, and it's like my brain isn't connected to my mouth. I can be there with someone, thinking of all these things that I need to say but all that comes out of my mouth is, "I'm fine." Therapy seems a little pointless because I can talk logically about what I should do, how I should feel until the cows come home but I can't apply any of it in practice. I need to learn to cope with my feelings before I can work on the underlying issues which have affected my mental health all of these years, but that just seems impossible. I just don't get how to move forward. I may as well just accept that I'll never get any better.

Sorry for the ramble. It's late.

I can relate. Since I stopped taking my antidepressants, I've managed to put up a facade of "I'm fine", which is more-or-less convincing. In reality, I'm at a baseline of "depressed" 24/7. I range from "slightly less depressed" to suicidal with sporadic fiery rage (although I'm not violent, it manifests more as me just clenching my jaw and not speaking, and occasionally mouthing off). It's extremely hard for me to tell ANYBODY how I actually feel at any point in time, and even found myself telling my therapist (when I was still going) shit like "I'm feeling a little better" just because that's what they wanted to hear.

I should also mention (I've mentioned it before here) that I was less stable on antidepressants than I am now and was before.

In short, I have no constructive advice; just saying I'm in a similar boat, paddling in a circle ...

[Ele'ill]

[Art Vandelay]

I love Calvin and Hobbes so much.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Why am I so unlovable?
I can't get anyone to like me but I get attracted to other people so fast and sometimes it's only because they actually talk to me and are nice to me. There was this one guy in my ethics class who sat right behind me and was funny, smart, and moderately cute, and I'll never see him again but I'm still thinking about him, even though he'd probably never see me as male and would probably never be able to love me either way and he's probably straight anyway, but he talked to me almost every class, so that piqued my interest.

I don't want to fall in love with people just because they talk to me. That's fucked up. But I'm looking for something different, something I will never find

[¿Que?]

Why am I so unlovable?
I can't get anyone to like me but I get attracted to other people so fast and sometimes it's only because they actually talk to me and are nice to me. There was this one guy in my ethics class who sat right behind me and was funny, smart, and moderately cute, and I'll never see him again but I'm still thinking about him, even though he'd probably never see me as male and would probably never be able to love me either way and he's probably straight anyway, but he talked to me almost every class, so that piqued my interest.

I don't want to fall in love with people just because they talk to me. That's fucked up. But I'm looking for something different, something I will never find

Look, man, I've told you this before. You need to get out of your own head. Instead of being so concerned with how you're coming across, you should consider that the people you are interacting with might be going through something similar. So if you want to make meaningful connections with people, you should put less focus on trying to get positive affirmation from them, and put a little more effort in providing it for others.

This site is a great way to practice that. Read through some other people's posts, get a sense of what they're going through, and try to offer some advice, relevant personal experience, or anything you deem helpful. Then see if you can translate that to your experiences outside the internet.

At this point, you've posted so many self deprecating comments, and this community has provided you with so much support and encouragement, I really think this strategy has outlived its usefulness. It's time for you to take the next step, and be there for someone else, rather than expect and wait for the world to be there for you.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but the last time I mentioned this, you completely ignored me...

[Admiral Swagmeister G-Funk]

My mother was with an abusive psychopath for years who physically, mentally and emotionally abused her and myself for the duration, this was my adolescence basically. My younger brother left because of this and my older brother has been in a residential care home for disabled people since before all of this, but I stayed out of solidarity with my mother. I finally got her to escape by forcing her to leave her home (rented) and stay with my father until the guy left, which he did after staying in the home for about 2 weeks, before stealing most of her stuff and destroying the stuff that he didn't take (clothes etc). I couldn't even begin to describe the horror that my mother went through in this period, some of the most fucked up things I've ever heard and I wouldn't say that these are '1st world problems' or anything. It gets as bad as whatever comes before murder in my understanding.

This all tortures me every day of my life in itself and always will but that isn't what's making me write this now, as I could probably write about it every night if it were purely down to my own misery. What gets me is the fact that sick fucks like him are still walking the streets, despite my mother reporting all of this to the pigs and even getting an injunction out on him - this guy is still around, he recently attacked someone who knows my mother for no apparent reason other than that they were acquainted. This was a random, sneak attack in daylight in which the poor bastard was caught off-guard and suffered serious injuries. Despite this, the sicko has been persistent in harassment, including creating fake facebook profiles of my mother, threatening me, her friends and her boyfriend and doing god knows what else.

What brings the greatest tear to my eye is the fact that there are other, naive, insecure and impressionable women that will end up victim to him and others like him, because he walks free despite essentially destroying a woman, my mother, and many others, as well as breaking up families and the like. It is never the victim's fault in these instances but always those who prey on individuals for their own 'gains' (not only sadistic gratification but also economic gain, as was the case with my mother and many others like her).

I feel sick because this is the case and it's the case for so many people right now. Sometimes I wonder what the point is. I can find solace in abstract political and social theories which can provide some sort of faint light at the end of this horrible tunnel but, when reality presents itself, there's nothing but sickness and despair. People never understand so I don't really talk about it, this kind of thing just eats away at your heart. Nothing could ever undo those years, I just hope that there will one day be a world in which these horrors are a distant, disgusting memory.

[MotherCossack]

ok...... ok....
this place aint that bad......
except that the bleeding front door is about 19mm by 3mm and lets no human furniture in!!!!!!!
so.... currently we have a front garden full of perfectly reasonable sized lovely, necessary, attractive and not unwanted furniture!!!!!
so are frequently fending off chancers and eagle-eyed pedestrians who fancy a bit of my stuff.........
what to do..... what to do????
cut the legs off and cut it all in half....?

[Le Rouge]

The godless utopian just don't know roman numerals...

[Landsharks eat metal]

Look, man, I've told you this before. You need to get out of your own head. Instead of being so concerned with how you're coming across, you should consider that the people you are interacting with might be going through something similar. So if you want to make meaningful connections with people, you should put less focus on trying to get positive affirmation from them, and put a little more effort in providing it for others.

This site is a great way to practice that. Read through some other people's posts, get a sense of what they're going through, and try to offer some advice, relevant personal experience, or anything you deem helpful. Then see if you can translate that to your experiences outside the internet.

At this point, you've posted so many self deprecating comments, and this community has provided you with so much support and encouragement, I really think this strategy has outlived its usefulness. It's time for you to take the next step, and be there for someone else, rather than expect and wait for the world to be there for you.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but the last time I mentioned this, you completely ignored me...

I didn't ignore you. Well, at least I didn't try to. The problem with what you say is that I can't really help with a lot of people's problems. If I can't fix my own, how can I help anybody else? I can't even identify with a lot of people's problems because for the most part, I am just stuck at home all alone. I never really talk to anybody outside the internet other than my family, because I'm scared to. I really don't mean to bring in the self deprecating comments again, but how I feel about myself is part of the reason I can't do things. Because I know I'm worthless. I've tried to give advice to people, but I always feel like I'm just going to fuck things up worse for them; fucking up is what I'm good at.

[#FF0000]

If I can't fix my own, how can I help anybody else?

Fixing your own problems isn't a per-requisite for helping others. This is kind of up there with those things people say like "U HAV 2 LUV URSELF B4 U LUV SOM1 ELSE" and that is nonsense because everyone is damaged goods.

it's not like you need to reach self-actualization to help others/love/be loved.

I can't even identify with a lot of people's problems because for the most part, I am just stuck at home all alone

You sound like me!

Everyone's feels alone and worthless and desperate at times. I don't think I need to tell you that even though all our struggles are different in shape and form, they're the same on some fundamental level.

Because I know I'm worthless

Nah you're not.

I've tried to give advice to people, but I always feel like I'm just going to fuck things up worse for them;

Nah you won't -- and often people aren't looking for advice so much as looking for someone to listen to them and empathize with them.

fucking up is what I'm good at.

Your experiences are valuable and you can help other people even if you feel like you can't help yourself (like so many of us often do)