I like the concept but the writing seems very... mechanical. Try to loosen it up and vary your sentence structure.
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Critique my college essay
Hey guys, I'm applying to the University of Texas at Austin and you guys are pretty smart, my English is bad and I was never a good writer even in my native language, so here you go. Most of this is totally made up by the way but I just needed something to write, so don't judge me for laughing at the hobo because that never happened.
The topic is:
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
Feel free to give me ideas, but please don't talk about any revolutionary stuff, this is a liberal University, but not a radical one, and I don't want to scare them.
[FONT="]Going to college wasn't always a priority. I saw school as an institution that was trying to push me, a square block, into a round hole. Mass education was a failed institution that could not meet societal demands. It followed that higher education was also a waste of both time and money. I planned on graduating high school and obtain a glorified blue collar job; a plumber.
My uncle changed that. At the age of fourteen, I learned he had spent over fifteen years after high school receiving formal education. He attained various degrees such as Underwater archeology and European History. His debt from student loans was accumulating and his parents continued to scold him for not seeking a career and settling down. My uncle eventually graduated with a law degree and acquired a job as an attorney in Austin, Texas. Instead of solidifying my cynicism towards higher education, it completely reversed it. I asked him why he spent so much time working towards degrees he would never need. It turns out he was searching for what he wanted to do, and education helped him find that. My uncle taught me the value of education. I now realized the error in my line of thinking. I did not hate formal education, I hated the lack of it. It was too generalized, it didn't go into enough depth. That's when I came to the conclusion that I would attend a University. At the University, I was free to pursue my own interests in any area. To me, this is what made me embrace education.
But my uncle taught more than the value of education. From a young age, he taught me the virtue of humility. Up until my teenage years, I was very arrogant. I sneered down on other people whenever I beat them at a test, video game, or sport. One summer I went to my uncles house to stay with him while my parents were on vacation, I was watching the news when a homeless man came on the screen. I called him worthless and a leech on society. My uncle grabbed me by the shoulder and hauled me down to the soup kitchen where he had me volunteer all summer long. I asked him why he kept making me do this, he responded "To show that you're just as worthless as they are." They were harsh words, but they were true. My ego had grown out of control and after spending a summer with the disenfranchised, my perception on society changed forever. This is what has inspired me to go to the University of Texas, to study government so that one day I can enter the public arena and help those in need. [/FONT]
I like the concept but the writing seems very... mechanical. Try to loosen it up and vary your sentence structure.
Sunt lacrimae rērum et mentem mortālia tangunt.
That hobo story seems lame and made up and you should also edit out the "underwater archeology" part.
The writing is good, but it seems a bit dry. For a college application essay, you definitively want to make it sound more interactive and personal. Maybe you should try more dramatic and exciting diction, or be a bit more descriptive. For college essays, I think it's ok to be a bit more casual. You really want to make your stand out because the admissions officers will literally be reading thousands of these. You could try incorporating some humor,maybe a funny story or something, but only if you're a funny sort of person. The last thing you want is to look like you're trying to hard or something. Also, if you can, you should really try to use a real or at least mostly real story. I think the more genuine you are, the more it will come out in your writing.
Well good luck anyways!
