I was going to say "human beings are basically evil. they're also basically good, we're complex animals". Skipped down to the conclusion and saw you said that.
Well, you sir, obviously have a critical and dialectical mind![]()
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Yeep, I decided to tackle this one. That is, the 'argument from human nature' type objection to the realization of socialism. Have a read, let me know what you-all think. Constructive criticism is welcome.
http://comradebananahead.tumblr.com
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"We’re taught at such an early age to be against the communists, yet most of us don’t have the faintest idea what communism is. Only a fool lets somebody else tell him who his enemy is."[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]
[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic] --Assata Shakur (1987)[/FONT]
I was going to say "human beings are basically evil. they're also basically good, we're complex animals". Skipped down to the conclusion and saw you said that.
Well, you sir, obviously have a critical and dialectical mind![]()
Your overall style of writing comes off as a bit bland and it makes the piece lose some of the academic legitimacy which it could of otherwise had. The overall flow has a feel of informality and immaturity about it, and your actual point becomes lost in the distracting fray of that at times.
Through I can hardly find anything at fault with your general thesis and the substance you provide to support it, the only real issue here is more or less in the technical skill of your writing ability.
The informality is intentional. I want to make this into a video on You Tube, and thus, have endeavored to appeal to the short attention-span-having channel surfers that seem all too typical these days. I'm not certain what you mean by immaturity though.
http://comradebananahead.tumblr.com
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"We’re taught at such an early age to be against the communists, yet most of us don’t have the faintest idea what communism is. Only a fool lets somebody else tell him who his enemy is."[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]
[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic] --Assata Shakur (1987)[/FONT]
I meant that the presentation of the piece contained certain areas which appeared to be geared towards an audience of minimal intellectual capacity. The tone had a direction which denoted immaturity through a poor level of organization and through an occasionally inept display of thought.
Though if this was intended to serve as a sort of script for a video, I feel that the term essay may be slightly misleading. Regardless, it does make a lot more sense of the informal nature of this work and it will probably work quite well in that format.
Mm
Inept display of thought? I readily concede its informal nature, and the organization might not be as tight as an example essay provided by an instructor to an English class on how to structure their writing. But inept? I'm pretty sure I don't comprehend how it is you came to that conclusion. Moreover, I'm not certain how that's at all constructive, which I would generally define as criticism geared towards helping a person to improve. Calling them or their writing inept doesn't strike me as falling under this definition.
http://comradebananahead.tumblr.com
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"We’re taught at such an early age to be against the communists, yet most of us don’t have the faintest idea what communism is. Only a fool lets somebody else tell him who his enemy is."[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]
[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic] --Assata Shakur (1987)[/FONT]
Inept
Adjective: Having or showing no skill; clumsy.
Your writing showed little skill and was clumsy for an essay, that is how I came to the conclusion in question. Have you not read a piece of writing which has been constructed in an appealing fashion? My initial remarks were perfectly constructive as they showed clear fault in the structure of your presented piece.
Fuck you. My writing is just fine. I skimmed over your article (the one on your blog), and I hardly see how it's superior on any meaningful level to my piece. Yes it's informal, yes I intended a more 'conversational style' but inept? Showed little skill? Again, fuck you. Insults aren't constructive.
http://comradebananahead.tumblr.com
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"We’re taught at such an early age to be against the communists, yet most of us don’t have the faintest idea what communism is. Only a fool lets somebody else tell him who his enemy is."[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]
[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic] --Assata Shakur (1987)[/FONT]
Haha. Point taken. Shouldn't let myself get too worked up by this troll.
http://comradebananahead.tumblr.com
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"We’re taught at such an early age to be against the communists, yet most of us don’t have the faintest idea what communism is. Only a fool lets somebody else tell him who his enemy is."[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]
[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic] --Assata Shakur (1987)[/FONT]
To be honest, thesadmafioso is perfectly correct in his claims. As he said, if you would have read it, 'though if this was intended to serve as a sort of script for a video, I feel that the term essay may be slightly misleading. Regardless, it does make a lot more sense of the informal nature of this work and it will probably work quite well in that format.' This isn't an essay. If an essay says 'firstly, human civilization, is young. Wait, what? Young? Hasn’t human civilization been around for thousands of years? Yes, it’s young', then it's probably a bit of a shit essay, because that's not the kind of thing people write in essays. Hence thesadmafioso questioned whether or not this was an essay at all, rather than just a narration, and, as an essay, it is inept. He did, however, say that it would probably work quite well as a script for a video. Then there comes the issue of whether or not you consider the word 'thusly' (that's not a real word, by the way, so don't use it), which you have employed, to be 'conversational' and 'informal'. I know I don't. If somebody is using the informal tone of the first quote, but also using clearly formal language and structures, in one and the same text, then it does question their understanding and abilities. One of the two is surely out of place, they can't coexist. Therefore it comes across as though you've written a formal piece and just thrown in a few colloquialisms, which would come across as ineptitude, because it's difficult to consider the piece informal when it flips between formality and informality on a regular basis. Hence the accusation of ineptitude, that you might be unaware of what forms and structures pass in a formal essay, which much of this seems to want to be.
Oh, and by the way, "I read your stuff and don't think it's better than mine!" isn't actually an argument, particularly given the fact that your response to any criticism seems to be to totally disregard it and go off on one. This shows that you seem to think that you've written something effectively flawless, so of course you wouldn't consider somebody else's writings to be better than yours, would you, as yours are apparently perfect
(Oh, and also, you seem to like employing the classic 'in conclusion' in a good few of your essays / film scripts / whatever these are. A quick hint is to avoid that. I don't remember much of what my history teacher told me at school, but that was definitely one of his gems. You shouldn't have to flag up that your conclusion is a conclusion, by stating 'hey, this is the conclusion, guys!'; what you've written as the conclusion should make it clear that you're wrapping up. If you have to mention that it's a conclusion for people to notice that it's a conclusion, then it's probably not the best-phrased conclusion out there. Irrespective, when I read 'in conclusion', I always feel as though it's somebody who is trying to draw attention to their conclusion, due to its weakness, and then it's impossible for me to know whether the conclusion would stand by itself, without the flashing lights and arrows around it. It makes even the best conclusion, and perhaps the whole essay come across as very B+ at high school, I can assure you...)
Last edited by hatzel; 12th February 2011 at 12:48.
Why exactly did you ask for constructive criticism if you were not actually open to receiving it? I presented a valid point against the style of your writing which was perfectly justified given the context, and you responded by levying completely unfounded insult towards my own writing. That does not support your previous statement of being welcome to constructive criticism. Let us presume for a moment that you are actually correct in your assumption that your writing is of a higher grade than my own, would that necessarily lend more legitimacy to your point? Of course it would not, as my critique would still remain. The question of your motivation for even bringing that irrelevant variable into the equation has to be asked at this point. Simply put, it has a desperate look about it when you start blindly attacking the works of others to avoid critique.
The 'In conclusion' bit was also a very valid point as I can recall being lectured against that in grade school, and that should serve as a rather large red flag in your writing if you are failing to adhere to that sort of basic construct.
Perhaps I erred in assuming that people would have a proper grasp of what constructive criticism consists of. I define it as 1) identifying strengths, 2) identifying *specific* areas in need of improvement, and 3) suggesting *specific* ways to improve the particular areas thus identified. Throwing words like 'inept' around puts people on the defensive, and closes them off from what you have to say.
http://comradebananahead.tumblr.com
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"We’re taught at such an early age to be against the communists, yet most of us don’t have the faintest idea what communism is. Only a fool lets somebody else tell him who his enemy is."[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]
[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic] --Assata Shakur (1987)[/FONT]
Okay, so you're not a fan of my work. I can live with that. Now, how do I improve it? What's the game plan? Suggestions for improvement are far more interesting and potentially useful than anything else, when it comes to feedback on my work.
http://comradebananahead.tumblr.com
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"We’re taught at such an early age to be against the communists, yet most of us don’t have the faintest idea what communism is. Only a fool lets somebody else tell him who his enemy is."[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]
[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic] --Assata Shakur (1987)[/FONT]
I told you already, as you surely noticed when you read my post you quoted. I'll repeat, though, in summary form: don't mix and match between formal and informal styles - choose one or the other, and stick to it throughout; avoid 'thusly'* like the plague; don't use the phrase 'in conclusion,...'. Simple!
I won't comment anything on the actual content, because I'm not a Marxist, so all that Marxism talk...I have no idea whether that's 'right' or 'wrong' or whatever, and frankly don't think it's useful me ripping into what might be a perfectly fair representation of Marxist ideas. Hence I'm only concerned with the writing style
* Etymology
thus + -ly, dating from the 19th century, seemingly coined by educated writers to make fun of uneducated persons trying to sound genteel, with a false inference that thus is not an adverb.
Okay, so firstly, I should purge "thusly" from my script, because it isn't a 'real word' (whatever that means). Secondly, I should endeavor to stick to one style, because it'll make it so that my viewers will likely have more respect for my competence as a writer/speaker, and thus more likely to take what I have to say seriously? Am I understanding you correctly? If so, should I make the script all formal, or all informal? What will best allow me to convey my message? What's worked best for you, in your written works?
http://comradebananahead.tumblr.com
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"We’re taught at such an early age to be against the communists, yet most of us don’t have the faintest idea what communism is. Only a fool lets somebody else tell him who his enemy is."[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]
[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic] --Assata Shakur (1987)[/FONT]
If you're going to convince a non-Socialist that humans are not basically evil, never ever say things like "Marx teaches us". While people like us understand that usage, to other people you sound like a cult member.
Further, just quoting Marx and wikipedia does not make a good argument. You ought to use quotes from Anthropology books that indicate that humans acted in a very different manner for about 90% of human existence before states emerged. They did not have property or possessions and when chiefs did emerge, they were required to give gifts to the rest of the tribe and have less than the totality of the tribe.
Free Rosa
The emancipation of the working class must be the work of the working class itself- Karl Marx
Socialist Worker
Anti-Dialectics
The Dialectical Dialogues
The RedStar2000 Papers
BiteMarx
Okay, so...
1) change "Marx teaches us" into, "Marx writes," to avoid sounding cultish. I admit the phrase is reminiscent of Malcolm X speeches in which he'd state, "Elijah Muhammad tells us" and so forth.
2) Bring in some quotes from anthropologists (maybe from anthropologists who aren't explicitly Marxist?) in order to further legitimize my arguments.
http://comradebananahead.tumblr.com
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"We’re taught at such an early age to be against the communists, yet most of us don’t have the faintest idea what communism is. Only a fool lets somebody else tell him who his enemy is."[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]
[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic] --Assata Shakur (1987)[/FONT]
You guys don't have to be so harsh. Sure it wasn't exactly the best piece of writing in the world you don't need to be so cruel in pointing this out. I think UBH came here to tell us his ideas, not to have you dissect his writing.
I don't think anyone was harsh, the OP asked for constructive criticism and that is what he was given.
The problem the OP has here is with taking academic criticism constructively, without taking it personally. He put his post forward as an essay and it was treated as one. All academic works can be subjected to the harshest criticism--the point is not to take it personally.
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