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lookin for advice
So a few hours ago I found out that someone I used to be friends with (used to as of a few hours ago) raped his girlfriend 2-3 years ago. I was never particularly close with his girlfriend and haven't spoken to her in years, any advice on how should I go about approaching this? (the kid's currently out of state at college)
You seem neat, but...
They divide us by our color, they divide us by our tongue,
They divide us men and women, they divide us old and young,
But they'll tremble at our voices when they hear these verses sung,
For the Union makes us strong!
What are the circumstances? Is this a locker room rumor? Did she press charges? Was it your friend who told you? Are you concerned that you need to speak to her about it? Its not clear what you mean by how you should approach this.
By having no family … I inherited the family of humanity.
By having no possessions … I have possessed all.
By rejecting the love of one … I received the love of all.
By surrendering my life to the revolution … I found eternal life.
“Revolutionary Suicide”
-Huey P. Newton
Some of my friends were at a party and went into a bathroom to see the boyfriend fully clothed and the girlfriend naked with blood running down her leg. Suffice to say he tried to force her to commit a sex act she didn't want to. Apparently they didn't take this quite as serious as it is, but that's another thing I'll address. As far as I know, no charges were pressed and they continued to date. I'm concerned not only for her but also about other potential victims of the boyfriend.
You seem neat, but...
They divide us by our color, they divide us by our tongue,
They divide us men and women, they divide us old and young,
But they'll tremble at our voices when they hear these verses sung,
For the Union makes us strong!
If you know he did it, I'd say that you should slit his throat. That is my opinion. Also, I'm pretty sure it's a reaction my fiance would have if he was in your position.
I dreamt of a flower that was so beautiful that when it whithered away and died a tear left my eye. I saw our births, our lives and our deaths. I felt fire paint me with pain and I felt a kiss on my lips with a knife in my neck. Love to heartbreak to self-destruction to birth and to finally learning to frolic back into the same trap with a warm smile.
O|O
My blog: The Riot Slut Rage
If you slit a throat, blood gets everywhere, clothes get stained, people scream out, the person with the slit throat gets a stupid surprised look on their face, and most of all, it's messy.
Best way for violence to be solved with violence is with a baseball bat to the cranium. (Or another blunt object. I would choose a bat, personally with all the leverage and stuff.)
On a more likely note of handling this, I suggest that regardless of whether you know his girlfriend well or not, the best way to go about it is talk to her and see what kind of help she might want/need. Since (if I get you right) he's out of state and at College, she'll probably be much more likely to speak about it if she trusts you enough, and feels that what's said between you two obviously isn't said outside the two of you.
Handle it that way, or tell her to get as far away from him as possible/change phone numbers/address, etc.
"We are free, truly free, when we don't need to rent our arms to anybody in order to be able to lift a piece of bread to our mouths."
- Ricardo Flores Magón
"I am resolved to struggle against everything and everybody."
- Emiliano Zapata
If you don't know the girl too well, then I'm not sure that approaching her is necessarily going to be helpful because you don't know how she feels about it. If someone I barely knew approached me about being sexually assaulted, I'm not sure I would want to talk to them because it's not an easy thing to discuss. The best way to approach her, if you do, is to give her space and let her know that you're there if she needs to talk to you. Listening is more important than saying anything.
It might be a good idea to talk to the friends that witnessed it about him being around at parties and things. Perhaps you could agree to watch how he's acting when he's out or at future parties and if necessary, intervene and warn women he might target of his past behaviour.
Would you confront the guy? I think he needs to realise that what he did wasn't acceptable, and to start to work on challenging and changing his behaviour.
"Her development, her freedom, her independence must come from and through herself. First, by asserting herself as a personality, and not as a sex commodity. Second, by refusing the right to anyone over her body; by refusing to bear children unless she wants them; by refusing to become a servant to God, the State, society, the husband, the family, etc. ... by freeing herself from the fear of public opinion and public condemnation. Only that, and not the ballot, will set woman free, will make her a force hitherto unknown in the world, a force for real love, for peace, for harmony; a force of divine fire, of life-giving; a creator of free men and women."~ Emma Goldman
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I have a mutual friend that is a girl and is close with both of us, so I think I'll first approach her. As far as watching his behavior at parties, that's not really feasible considering it would take every ounce of my energy to not kill him. This happened 2 years ago when a kid date raped my sister and I took the physical route and yeah, it worked out well, and while I'm not opposed to doing that again, I want to do something more constructive to help this girl. One of the most alarming things about this is the way my friends went about dealing with it, seeing it relatively as a non-issue. They're the ones I will verbally confront and believe me, I'm beginning to seriously question whether or not I can actually consider them friends. But verbally confronting him isn't the most realistic option as that would most likely end with me in a jail cell for most of my twenties, somewhere I'd rather not be.
You seem neat, but...
They divide us by our color, they divide us by our tongue,
They divide us men and women, they divide us old and young,
But they'll tremble at our voices when they hear these verses sung,
For the Union makes us strong!
It is rather worrying that your friends didn't see it as much of an issue. You should definitely confront them about that because obviously rape is very serious and a huge deal for the survivor. Maybe you could ascertain what the relationship is like between the girl and the guy from the girl you both know. I don't really know what the situation is like, but it can be quite difficult to get out of an abusive relationship, if that's what's going on.
It's a good idea to avoid the guy if you think you're going to hurt him. If there's anyone you know who could manage to confront him without hurting him, maybe you should discuss it with them? This guy does need to know that what he did wasn't acceptable, and it would probably be best to have someone who can confront him calmly as opposed to hurting him.
"Her development, her freedom, her independence must come from and through herself. First, by asserting herself as a personality, and not as a sex commodity. Second, by refusing the right to anyone over her body; by refusing to bear children unless she wants them; by refusing to become a servant to God, the State, society, the husband, the family, etc. ... by freeing herself from the fear of public opinion and public condemnation. Only that, and not the ballot, will set woman free, will make her a force hitherto unknown in the world, a force for real love, for peace, for harmony; a force of divine fire, of life-giving; a creator of free men and women."~ Emma Goldman
Support RevLeft!
This was exactly what I was thinking...Its really not a virtual stranger's place to, basically confront someone about sexual abuse that happened to them, especially if they have (for whatever reason, including their own stupid self-destructiveness) declined to press charges and declined to even break off the relationship. That is the responsibility of her best friends not of some guy from out of state who doesn't really know her.
My thought is:
1. contrary to the comments on this thread, murder is not an option in the real world: and its way easier to prosecute someone for murder than for rape no matter how justified murder seems.
2. you also can't take legal action when the victim/prosecution-witness is not willing to do so.
It seems to me that all you can do is shun him and tell all of your mutual friends that you're shunning him and its important that they do so as well.
In any case I think that community shunning discharges the social/moral responsibility in this case since he is out of town and Fawkes is not a law enforcement officer, a prosecutor, or a friend of the victim.
Well you know, proportional violence committed in immediate response to self-defense-of-a-third-party is full excuse against criminal culpability...its just going after someone after the fact that is illegal (or going after them disproportionately...state laws vary as to when this becomes the case).
Its good that you do but not everyone is always well situated to help everyone else.
Well compelling them to understand how serious it is, and how keeping someone like your ex-friend in the community is a vital threat to the community, and how this is an issue that puts your friendship on the line - is one important way of helping to reduce the probability of this sort of thing happening: when people think they can get away with something in the eyes of their peers they are far more like to do it than when they do not.
Yeah, I'm not the most lawful.
I dreamt of a flower that was so beautiful that when it whithered away and died a tear left my eye. I saw our births, our lives and our deaths. I felt fire paint me with pain and I felt a kiss on my lips with a knife in my neck. Love to heartbreak to self-destruction to birth and to finally learning to frolic back into the same trap with a warm smile.
O|O
Well I wouldn't be one to ever argue that there is a moral or social imperative for being lawful - I just think, pragmatically, committing crimes that are likely to result in conviction and lengthy prison sentences is probably self defeating!
My sincere advice: cut his bollocks off.
Take from that what you will, with regards to the law, but that is my advice nonetheless.
Make sure that the motherfucker never does anything like this again.
I'm the Laird of the land, I'm hot like Pol Pot.'A true white liberal.' - Sword and Shield (on me)
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Laws only apply if you get caught.
"We are free, truly free, when we don't need to rent our arms to anybody in order to be able to lift a piece of bread to our mouths."
- Ricardo Flores Magón
"I am resolved to struggle against everything and everybody."
- Emiliano Zapata
True but that risk can also be worth it.
I say, Bobbit the idiot!
I dreamt of a flower that was so beautiful that when it whithered away and died a tear left my eye. I saw our births, our lives and our deaths. I felt fire paint me with pain and I felt a kiss on my lips with a knife in my neck. Love to heartbreak to self-destruction to birth and to finally learning to frolic back into the same trap with a warm smile.
O|O
i say find out without a shadow of a doubt he did it and then break his leg and his face also how exactly did u find out did he tell u or or through a friend.
The girl actually lives in the same town as me (or where my parents live), he's the one that moved out of state. They aren't dating anymore and I don't think they've spoken in a while. I know that I can't directly do anything to really help her considering I haven't spoken to her in years, even though we did hang out on occasion in the past, that's why I'm just looking for advice here.
And as far as physically attacking him, I have no real aversion to that and have done that in the past to someone else that did a similar thing as I said earlier, but in all honesty, it doesn't help anyone to have me in a jail cell where I will in all likelihood become a rape victim myself. I can deal with an assault charge, but I ain't about to take a bat or knife to anybody unless it's truly necessary.
And crazyirish, some of my friends witnessed the two of them in the bathroom at a party with her naked and him clothed and blood running down her leg. Later on in the night she told one of my friends what had happened (he forcefully tried to fuck her in the ass). It really baffles my mind what the fuck my piece of shit friends were thinking that made them not do anything about it.
You seem neat, but...
They divide us by our color, they divide us by our tongue,
They divide us men and women, they divide us old and young,
But they'll tremble at our voices when they hear these verses sung,
For the Union makes us strong!
This is what concerns me about you approaching her. A somewhat stranger bringing this up will only further her vicitimization. My advise is to talk to the mutual friend, to gently try to bring it up. If she wants to talk about it, then fine, if not, then everyone needs to respect her feelings.
By having no family … I inherited the family of humanity.
By having no possessions … I have possessed all.
By rejecting the love of one … I received the love of all.
By surrendering my life to the revolution … I found eternal life.
“Revolutionary Suicide”
-Huey P. Newton
I would not speak to the victim personally. I would speak to your mutual friend about the issue, and see what she says.
More importantly, I'd talk to your 'friends' who did nothing. I'd have a serious talk with them and let them know that this shit is totally fucking unacceptable. A friend is someone you can count on. More precisely, a friend is someone that you can count to do something about rape/assault when they come across it. Why? Because you'd do the same, and you're a friend.
- August
If we have no business with the construction of the future or with organizing it for all time, there can still be no doubt about the task confronting us at present: the ruthless criticism of the existing order, ruthless in that it will shrink neither from its own discoveries, nor from conflict with the powers that be.
- Karl Marx
I think you should decide if you want to bud into a situation that happened years ago and you know really nothing about, did not witness and have no idea if and how she wants to deal with it...or if she would even appreciate your concern and help. In my personal experience...if someone didn't tell you what happened then they do not want your opinion. but if you decide that the answer to the question is yes, then do what ChildrenoftheRevolution suggested and be prepared for some serious flack.
Now...if it happend last week or yesterday...I say pick up a baseball batt and try to see how he likes it. In this case...I would be very very carefull.
example: when a girl in our dorm was sexually assaulted by her boyfriend we called the cops. After a short time in jail he was back in his dorm (rent protection) and kept calling...causing considerable stress. the girl was told that the only way she could be helped was if she would accept housing somewhere else...which she considered but was offcourse laughably ridiculous to even suggest...we then decided that it would be best to have a little chat with theb guy...and he moved...the girl never taked to us again because as she hadn't asked us to help and we meddled into things that were not our bussiness. She is now...married to the asshole...at least last time I heard.
I do not regret one bit about what we did...but I am also sure that she was right and understand what she meant.
What this story is meant to convey is that even the best of intentions can be very unappreciated.
Now as to your friends...that is a completely different matter. Raising the subject of rape and why it is not ok to not do anything if they witness it is probable an absolute must. In this case you are not budding into any situation that can potentially be harmful but are simply giving them what they deserve and desperately need.
