Homophobic Parents

[LOLseph Stalin]

Have any of you ever found yourselves in this situation? If so, how did you deal with it? My friend has recently come out of the closet about being lesbian and her parents aren't being very accepting of it.

P.S- I wasn't sure where to put this so I thought it would be best in chit-chat. Besides, I feel it probably has potential to become chit-chatter anyway.

[Bex]

Been there, done that. Many ways to deal with it depending on age, previous relationship with parents, etc. If educating her parents is an option, that's a good route. My father is conservative, but accepting... my mother just wants to be my friend and is grateful for any attention I pay her so she's actually said "who knows, I might be bisexual."

Oi vey.

Good luck to your friend!

[LOLseph Stalin]

Been there, done that. Many ways to deal with it depending on age, previous relationship with parents, etc. If educating her parents is an option, that's a good route. My father is conservative, but accepting... my mother just wants to be my friend and is grateful for any attention I pay her so she's actually said "who knows, I might be bisexual."

Oi vey.

Good luck to your friend!

Well let's just say my friend's parents are quite Conservative and are Non-practicing Catholics. I'm not exactly sure how you would convince a Catholic that Homosexuality isn't bad. Luckily my parents are more tolerant, considering I may be bisexual(I haven't really fully figured out my sexuality yet).

[RainbowLeftist]

Yep, been there done that also.

"Mom.. im gay."
"So.. No Teenage pregnancy?"
"Yep.."
"When you stayed with your friends over-"
"It's not like that."

Thats all that happened. Even the rest of my IMMEDIATE family was fairly accepting. My grandparents told me they figured I was. So that was interesting.

[New Tet]

Have any of you ever found yourselves in this situation? If so, how did you deal with it? My friend has recently come out of the closet about being lesbian and her parents aren't being very accepting of it.

P.S- I wasn't sure where to put this so I thought it would be best in chit-chat. Besides, I feel it probably has potential to become chit-chatter anyway.

In the spirit of chit-chattery, check out 1:40 of this video:

+ YouTube Video

[Il Medico]

Well let's just say my friend's parents are quite Conservative and are Non-practicing Catholics. I'm not exactly sure how you would convince a Catholic that Homosexuality isn't bad. Luckily my parents are more tolerant, considering I may be bisexual(I haven't really fully figured out my sexuality yet).

I am Catholic and I am Bi. So yeah, not all that hard actually.

[Killfacer]

Yeah i've got a friend in a similar situation. To be honest all you can do is offer support if they need it or want it.

[Salabra]

Bex and Killfacer are both right.

I’d like to ask why your friend’s parents are not accepting her lesbianism. I’m not being deliberately obtuse here, but knowing the grounds for their non-acceptance might help formulate a strategy to help your friend.

• If her parents’ objections are religious, for example, your friend might be able to find some religious teachings from their faith that counter those arguments. Or she might just need to be prepared to let them know that she has come to her own beliefs about the matter and share those with her parents. (Of course, if her parents are utter fanatics, she might just have to GET THE HELL OUT!
• If they play the “psychological” card and suggest that she is “ill,” your friend can start by informing them that no reputable (ie accredited by the bourgeois state) psychologist/psychiatrist regards homosexuality as an illness any more, and continue by pointing out that, in fact, most regard therapies meant to change someone’s sexual orientation against their will as unethical. Encourage your friend to let her parents know that she is the same person she always was, by participating in family activities and sharing aspects of her life with them.
• On the other hand, your friend’s parents might feel “guilty,” with the idea that it might be their “”fault,” or they might be disappointed because they feel that they will be missing out on seeing their daughter married, that they will be missing out on grandchildren etc. In this case, in addition to the ideas put forward in the previous paragraph, she should reassure them that there is no “fault,” that she happy and adjusted in her life and that she has friends (and perhaps other family members?) who love and support her. She could also share with them her optimism that marriage and children are not totally out of the question for her as a lesbian,
• Finally, your friend’s parents may worry about the discrimination she may face. Her best approach is to assure them she can stick up for herself and that she is able to use her judgment to keep herself safe from harm.

Given time, patience and goodwill on all sides, many parents come around to at least passive acceptance.

I would also advise your friend to listen to/read other girls’ coming out stories (online support groups are available) — hearing how it was for others can make one feel less alone.

With this in mind, I should share my own story.

I “knew” that I was different at quite a young age but didn’t “come out” until I was about 15. My father was quite equitable about it (my mother had died some years previously) — he simply put his arms around me and told me that he loved me and wanted me to be happy (Yes, I know — I’m just a bloody Pollyanna). Coming out at school was quite another matter — “friends” suddenly turned against me, groups were closed to me and there were several assaults. Yet, I had a good support network and a determination not to give up on an integral part of my identity.

My partner's parents, on the other hand, are only just starting to realize - after 10 years – that they had better try to accept their daughter for what she is, or lose her altogether.

Hope this helps!

[RHIZOMES]

P.S- I wasn't sure where to put this so I thought it would be best in chit-chat.

Well it's threads like these that stop Chit-Chat going to shit

[Salabra]

Well it's threads like these that stop Chit-Chat going to shit

- so very true!

[LOLseph Stalin]

Well it's threads like these that stop Chit-Chat going to shit

I try, I try.

[LOLseph Stalin]

Anyway, to address Salabra's points, my friend's situation is kinda wierd. Her parents are religious, but non-practicing so I'm not sure how well they even know the bible. I think their state of mind about the whole thing is just that's it's not a natural thing to be. They think she's just trying to be like another friend she has that is lesbian. As a result, they don't like this other friend because they think it was her who made her lesbian.

[Sasha]

if they are just aprehensive and scared maybe pflag can be an great help: http://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/index-e.asp

[Salabra]

Anyway, to address Salabra's points, my friend's situation is kinda wierd. Her parents are religious, but non-practicing so I'm not sure how well they even know the bible. I think their state of mind about the whole thing is just that's it's not a natural thing to be. They think she's just trying to be like another friend she has that is lesbian. As a result, they don't like this other friend because they think it was her who made her lesbian.

Sounds like they are at least willing to listen and learn. Tell your friend that she should take Lenin's advice and "keep on explaining" - it is, after all, totally natural for her (Tongue in Cheek comment - tell her to refer them to Mark's Morford's piece "Confirmed: God is Slightly Gay" in the SF Chronicle of 2 July 2009).

With time, love and patience, they will probably come to at least passive acceptance. Wish her luck from Australia!

if they are just aprehensive and scared maybe pflag can be an great help

Good thought!