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But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship...
Oh my non-existent deity. So fucking true.
But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them
By Kimberly Pruitt
The Onion
June 9, 2009
I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?
I knew you would understand. You always do.
We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me ***** about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.
It's just... you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.
No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.
Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.
Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.
Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.
Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.
Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.
Best friends. Friends forever.
http://www.theonion.com/content/opin...rted_dating_it
Oh yes, the rallying call of the "oppressed" amercian male, manipulated and used by his vicious matriarchal over-lords.(I'm aware that this is written by a womyn, but it is obviously written for a male audience, and apparently strikes a cord.)
I expected better from you, RP.
I was raised a Pacifist ; Now I see, violence is the only thing that solves anything.
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PF, The Onion is a satirical newsource. It is not serious.
"The sun shines. To hell with everything else!" - Stephen Fry
"As the world of the spectacle extends its reign it approaches the climax of its offensive, provoking new resistances everywhere. These resistances are very little known precisely because the reigning spectacle is designed to present an omnipresent hypnotic image of unanimous submission. But they do exist and are spreading.", The Bad Days Will End.
"(The) working class exists and struggles in all countries, and has the same enemies in all countries – the police, the army, the unions, nationalism, and the fake ‘socialism’ of the bourgeois left. It shows that the conditions for a worldwide revolution are ripening everywhere today. It shows that workers and revolutionaries are not passive spectators of inter-imperialist conflicts: they have a camp to choose, the camp of the proletarian struggle against all the factions of the bourgeoisie and all imperialisms." -ICC, Nation or Class?
Also, amusing. I think everyone's been there. Though, it never really made sense.
"The sun shines. To hell with everything else!" - Stephen Fry
"As the world of the spectacle extends its reign it approaches the climax of its offensive, provoking new resistances everywhere. These resistances are very little known precisely because the reigning spectacle is designed to present an omnipresent hypnotic image of unanimous submission. But they do exist and are spreading.", The Bad Days Will End.
"(The) working class exists and struggles in all countries, and has the same enemies in all countries – the police, the army, the unions, nationalism, and the fake ‘socialism’ of the bourgeois left. It shows that the conditions for a worldwide revolution are ripening everywhere today. It shows that workers and revolutionaries are not passive spectators of inter-imperialist conflicts: they have a camp to choose, the camp of the proletarian struggle against all the factions of the bourgeoisie and all imperialisms." -ICC, Nation or Class?
Chill out.Oh yes, the rallying call of the "oppressed" amercian male, manipulated and used by his vicious matriarchal over-lords.
I expected better from you, RP.
... To live – does it not mean to have indomitable faith in victory?
This is weird. I guess men just have a different sense of humor...Oh yes, the rallying call of the "oppressed" amercian male, manipulated and used by his vicious matriarchal over-lords.
I expected better from you, RP.
But wait a minute! That can't possibly be true!
After all, how many times have I read that same story written by a woman[!]?
Dorothy Parker, for example, created characters very similar to the voice in the Onion's ironic satire. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorothy_Parker
I think it was actually written by a woman, not a womyn.Oh yes, the rallying call of the "oppressed" amercian male, manipulated and used by his vicious matriarchal over-lords.
I expected better from you, RP.
Ivan "Bonebreaker" Khutorskoy16.11.2009"We won't forget, we won't forgive"
I totally disagree with you. I'm not awake enough to articulate a response though, so I'll get back to you.Oh yes, the rallying call of the "oppressed" amercian male, manipulated and used by his vicious matriarchal over-lords.
I expected better from you, RP.
I posted it because I've actually been on the other side of that sort of twisted, dishonest relationship. I blame myself much more for it than the woman I was "involved" with. To be sure there is a lot of hyperbole in the (satirical) column.Oh yes, the rallying call of the "oppressed" amercian male, manipulated and used by his vicious matriarchal over-lords.
I expected better from you, RP.
Believe me, it is just as twisted and dishonest on the man's side as it is on the woman's. Here is that side:
Last edited by Random Precision; 14th June 2009 at 20:31.
This is why you choose shortly after meeting a girl if you want to try and date them or just be friends so if its the former you can avoid the friend zone.
PETER
Human beings weren't meant to sit in little cubicles, starring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.
MICHAEL
I told those fudge-packers that I like Michael Bolton's music. God.
Agh, you disappoint me! Just when I thought I had found someone with as much disdain and fear of wymun as I have you turn out to be a castrati!
P.S. I expected better from you, RP.
haha thats so trueI posted it because I've actually been on the other side of that sort of twisted, dishonest relationship. I blame myself much more for it than the woman I was "involved" with. To be sure there is a lot of hyperbole in the (satirical) column.
Believe me, it is just as twisted and dishonest on the man's side as it is on the woman's. Here is the that side:
Ivan "Bonebreaker" Khutorskoy16.11.2009"We won't forget, we won't forgive"
New Tet: I agree, we need more raw chauvinism and misogyny on this forum.
The satire piece and the comic are both pretty good.
What's the matter Lagerboy, afraid you might taste something?
So apparently when males are 'dishonest', they're still telling the complete truth? In which case only womin tell lies?
Maybe too much to ask, but can we bring 'em here and put 'em out of their misery? I mean the raw chauv & miso?New Tet: I agree, we need more raw chauvinism and misogyny on this forum.[...]
Yes, only men are truthful. Ask Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh and the rest of that worthy lineup.
How many different spellings of "woman/women" can we get in this thread?
Sorry, I meant wimmin.
'heavens above, how awful it is to live outside the law - one is always expecting what one rightly deserves.'
petronius, the satyricon
Back in my sexy years(roughly 17-19), many of the girls I met were initially attracted to me. The article and comic stand as testament, in my humble opinion.
Look me in the eye and tell me that I'm satisfied.
Stop dehumanising our whammin.
What's the matter Lagerboy, afraid you might taste something?
I only write "women" as wopeople cause I am more revolutionary than thou!
