Like I posted in the other thread, I've been outlining a cycle of stories concerning a sculpture on the beach that my Art History teacher made. The sculpture was called Stonewave, and as such my stories will go under the collective title of Stonewaves. I've just written the first story in rough draft, so here is the first couple of paragraphs. Hit me with all your criticism- too clunky, too pretentious, not pretentious enough, too formulaic and cliched, whatever. I can (probably) handle it all. So, here we go. Reader, whenever it is that you next find yourself at a beach (and it does not have to be the beach I describe here, nor one the remotest bit like it- any beach, as the collision of land and water, seems to me a great spiritual place), I beg you to take notice of exactly where those two elements touch. Look at the sand or rock onto which water is dispersed, and look at the water behind the dispersion, blue or green or aquamarine now, but soon to turn transparent as it itself becomes dispersed- but most of all, look at the wave itself as it booms, crashes or laps against the land. The wave is the center of the story I wish you to hear. Remember this- all waves, whether they arrive at the shore during the night while crickets sing in trees far above on a cliff, or the mid-day when a boy throws a beach-ball to his brother across its crest, is bound vanish once it hits the shore. Whether a wave laps against the pale yellow sand of a warm nation lying around the equator or crash onto craggy rocks of a country in the farthest reaches of the north of our world, it is bound to disappear after that fatal second. Whether the moon or sun is in the sky- or whether both are obscured by billowy clouds, the wave below them dies in the instant the water that composes it makes contact with the sand or rock that represents its brother element. Remember that all waves are consigned to nothingness in a moment- no matter if they are made of water- or stone, like the one I hope to give you an impression of.
It is an interesting premise. However, I think it would do you better to start the book with an action, because that works better as a hook. For example, two boys playing in the beach and one drowning, or people having sex there. I don't know, and from there you can start. Also, I see you are trying to use long sentences. Nothing wrong with that, I use them and a lot of people who are pretty good writers use them too. However, you should beware with ambiguous sentences because they can make shit more difficult to read, for example: whether they arrive at the shore during the night while crickets sing in trees far above on a cliff Who are far above on a cliff? the crickets or the waves? i mean obviously the crickets but generally its better to clear the sentence a little up. you can splice the sentence with ands using polisinteton and giving the description a more biblical and slow tone: the waves arrive at the shore during the night and the crickets sing far above in trees. I think this sounds better. Otherwise it sounds too clunky and ambiguous. Also. this is maybe just me but i dont really like linking casually actions. for example i would drop whether and instead describe the scene as a bunch of actions and let the readers see the casual relation. I hate omniscient, so I really dislike adressing the "reader" because it drops the fourth wall and that spols the experience for me. Why instead of telling the reader to "notice", just say the stuff as it is really truth. Instead of saying look at how the sand disperses, say the sand disperses. I think its more powerful. All of this is my opinion though. I may be full of shit. I am not even studying literature, I am studying mathematics.
[FONT=Arial]Authors are (mostly) in agreement that cutting out as many words as possible is one of the basic ways to improving your projects - it should be cherished. Stephen King sets -10% as his goal for the second draft. That is not to say a person should avoid their particular flare - I love elaborate prose with sentences that make me cherish the author's phantom eyes. If it's Faulkner or Hemingway, I go with the former. That said, I noticed you draw out some statements that do not contribute much to the voice, and I would remind you to focus on that. I think your second paragraph was a good, thoughtful hook. Fatalism is a very eloquent and noble ideology, and your imagery snapped me to that process. If this is fiction, I would advise on moving forward immediately with the third paragraph. Action isn't necessarily required (some of the best books like A Tale of Two Cities or Moby Dick have very little action - although Moby Dick is indeed a chore. There's a wonderful story, you just have to dig out a giant monster of prose and sailor talk), but contemporary publishers are especially mindful of the short attention span readers hold. I tend to fall into a similar trap where I push off action until a few paragraphs in, just because I read classics and that's the impression they left me with. However, I reread these books and found that, while more subtle with their words, the characters are usually progressing (No "WHAM!" hooks, but certainly movement - see Dracula). My only suggestion is that you make darn well sure that philosophical conversations between speaker and reader are not tripe. In your case I don't think it's too big of a problem. Now then: [/FONT] Remember this- all waves, [FONT=Arial]A colon would be more appropriate than a dash mark. [/FONT] whenever it is that you next find yourself at a beach [FONT=Arial]Refer to my first statements about culling frivelous words. "Reader, whenever you find yourself at a beach" reads much easier, and it doesn't change your style in any dramatic way. Just for future references, the word doesn't get attacked too much in fiction when compared to non-fiction, but try avoiding "it" unless absolutely necessary - or, if a main character is neuter and that's your approach. Like all rules of thumb, this can be made an exception. A Tale of Two Cities employs "it" throughout the entire opening paragraph. [/FONT] I beg you to take notice of exactly where those two elements touch. [FONT=Arial]You accidentally included the information required for the actual sentence inside the parenthesis. Always read the sentence without parenthesis to ensure that it runs like a normal statement. Currently yours states: Reader, whenever it is that you find yourself at a beach, I beg you to take notice of exactly where these two elements touch. As your reader, I'm left thinking: these? It's not a hard jump to decipher your meaning, but there needs to be mention of sand and water outside of the parenthesis. [/FONT] The wave is the center of the story I wish you to hear. [FONT=Arial]This doesn't have to be in passive voice, so most likely (70 to 30), you should be changing around the words to read: The story I wish you to hear centers around the wave. Passive voice is acceptable for statements where alternatives don't exist or where they sound absurd (What was going on, versus "what occurred, I do not know"). I agree with most of Marm's suggestions. Hope you continue writing and improving this piece. It's interesting. [/FONT][FONT=Arial] [/FONT]
Many thanks for the criticisms. As it stands right now I'll probably be using this as more of a prologue to the stories, since it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the first one, and it seems like I do need to start with action. Funnily enough I actually corrected two or three of the stylistic issues you guys picked up on before I saw your posts. It's also funny that Gene mentioned Tale of Two Cities, which is possibly my least favorite Dickens novel because of the politics (trying to change anything just makes things worse than they were before ), but now that I look back on these paragraphs I can definitely tell the influence of its opening lines. The stories I'm writing are mainly autobiographical (so be prepared for not a lot to happen); each one corresponds to a time I went to the beach and saw my teacher's sculpture. I've reordered each story by its time of day so it resembles a painting series, and I'll probably change a lot of details to make the stories fit together as a whole. Marmot is right that the story should start with action, and that omniscience is not to be desired. Both of those will be fixed in the next parts, some of which I'll post here as the occasion arises. Here is what those lines look like now; I've adjusted them to include many of the recommendations I got: Whenever you find yourself at a shore (and it does not have to be the one I describe here, nor one the remotest bit like it- any shore seems to me a great spiritual place), try to take notice of exactly where the two elements, water and earth, touch. Look at the sand or rock where the water is dispersed onto land, and look at the water behind, blue or green or aquamarine now, but soon to turn transparent as it is dispersed. Most of all look at the wave as it booms, crashes or laps against the earth. The story I wish you to hear centers around one such wave. Remember: all waves, whether they arrive at the shore during the night, while crickets sing in trees on a cliff far above the water, or at mid-day as a boy throws a beach-ball to his brother across its crest, vanish once they hit the shore. If a wave laps against the pale yellow sand of a warm nation lying around the equator or, if it crashes onto the craggy rocks of a country in the farthest reaches of the north of the world, it disappears after that fatal second. If the moon or sun is in the sky- or if both are obscured by billowy clouds, the wave below them dies in the instant the water that composes it makes contact with the sand or rock that represents that water's brother element. Remember that all waves become nothing in a moment- no matter if they are made of water- or stone, like the one I hope to give you an impression of.
i like the dashes. - really help the physical space of your writing, a surprisingly amount of reader interpretation is garnered from the physical space.
