bigbill
12th June 2003, 05:56
Well, now that my ungodly heroes--Bush, Cheney, Wolfowitz(the unholy trinity)--have the Iraqii leadership on the run, the rest looks like a piece of cake. Right? No. The most difficult task lies ahead. We have turn these ethnically diverse goatfarmers into capitalist, democracy-loving, American brothers, just like we did in Japan and South Korea and Taiwan. It's time to put these people to work.
First, we have to Americanize the place. I look forward to the day when Bagdad is littered with McDonalds, Burgerkings, and Taco Bells. We can load the little Iraqii children up with beef and salt and sugar, and teach them the true joys of obesity. Then, when they get older, we can sell them Marlboros and Budweisers. Those kids are in for the times of their lives. We might even build them a couple amusement parks? What the fuck?
After that, we need army bases. Lots and lots of army bases. Why? Well, some of these young women are in desperate need of American husbands. They are tired of being treated like second class citizens and being forced to take a dump out in the backyard with the family camel. They want some geniune American loving.
Secondly, all the drunk, angry university students will need places to protest and blame their problems on. "Jesus, the zionists are driving me nuts. Let's go throw a molotov cocktail at the US Army." "I can't get a good job at an engineering firm. Well, let's go burn some American flags in front of the base." It's the least we can do for them. After all, it's not like we're Soviet barbarians. A few molotov cocktails aren't going to hurt our feelings.
Lastly, to complete the Americanization, we have to change the school systems. Equal public education for everybody and no more corporal punishment. Again, the kiddies make out. Instead of being forced to study algebra and calculus by their stern, abusive, schoolmasters, little Muhammed and Akmed can play hookey, listen to Nirvana, and get stoned on chronic--just like their cool American counterparts.
Wow. Iraq is going to be one heck of a country. Give it five years, and it might be like Disney Land. See you at the swimming pool, comrades.
First, we have to Americanize the place. I look forward to the day when Bagdad is littered with McDonalds, Burgerkings, and Taco Bells. We can load the little Iraqii children up with beef and salt and sugar, and teach them the true joys of obesity. Then, when they get older, we can sell them Marlboros and Budweisers. Those kids are in for the times of their lives. We might even build them a couple amusement parks? What the fuck?
After that, we need army bases. Lots and lots of army bases. Why? Well, some of these young women are in desperate need of American husbands. They are tired of being treated like second class citizens and being forced to take a dump out in the backyard with the family camel. They want some geniune American loving.
Secondly, all the drunk, angry university students will need places to protest and blame their problems on. "Jesus, the zionists are driving me nuts. Let's go throw a molotov cocktail at the US Army." "I can't get a good job at an engineering firm. Well, let's go burn some American flags in front of the base." It's the least we can do for them. After all, it's not like we're Soviet barbarians. A few molotov cocktails aren't going to hurt our feelings.
Lastly, to complete the Americanization, we have to change the school systems. Equal public education for everybody and no more corporal punishment. Again, the kiddies make out. Instead of being forced to study algebra and calculus by their stern, abusive, schoolmasters, little Muhammed and Akmed can play hookey, listen to Nirvana, and get stoned on chronic--just like their cool American counterparts.
Wow. Iraq is going to be one heck of a country. Give it five years, and it might be like Disney Land. See you at the swimming pool, comrades.