Commie/Marxist Jokes - they would be funnier if it weren't s

[MaxB]

What is Communism?
The Poles say it's the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.
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A man explains to the Soviet authorities that he has to go to the United States to help his sick uncle. The representative of the authorities replies: "Why would not your uncle come to the Soviet Union? You can take a better care of him here." The man answers: "I said that he is sick, not stupid."
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Communist is a person who read Das Kapital. Anti-Communist is a person who read Das Kapital and understood.
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A person comes to a post office and complains: "These new stamps with Lenin do not stick..." The clerk answers: "Comrade, you probably spit on the wrong side."
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In the Soviet school, a teacher asks a student: "Who is your father?"-"Stalin"-Who is your mother?"-"Soviet Union"-"And whom do you want to become ?"-"An orphan..."
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Five Things To Remember In The Soviet Union Ruled By Stalin

1. Do not think.
2. If you thought, do not say.
3. If you said, do not write.
4. If you wrote, do not sign.
5. If you signed, recall.
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Another True Polish Joke - A man, to be executed, is asked about his last wish. The man says: "I want to become a member of the Polish Communist Party (PZPR)." "Why?"-Asks surprised warden."Because my brother-in-law will be very happy when he will read tomorrow in a newspaper that a Communist was executed."-Replyed the man.
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A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the horizon."
The audience wonders quietly, "What IS a horizon?"
-Answer: an imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off when you try to get closer.
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Is it true that under communism people could order food by phone?
-Yes, but the delivery was by TV.
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Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in shit, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."
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A speaker explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic asylum. Everybody applauds except for one guy standing at a distance.
-"Why aren't you clapping," asks the speaker.
-"I'm a nurse," he answers, "not a madman."
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What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle.
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Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
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A communist was being interviewed by a reporter:
Reporter: If you have two houses, will you give me one?
Communist: Of course, yes!
Reporter: If you have two cars, will you give me one?
Communist: Of course, yes!
Reporter:If you have two shirts, will you give me one?
Communist: Of course, no!
Reporter: Why no this time?
Communist: Because I HAVE two shirts!
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What does the Sputnik consist of?
German rocket.
Asian propellants.
Czech electronics
Russian dog.
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Castro's three main successes: Public Health, education, & sports.

Castro's three main failures: Breakfast, lunch, & dinner!
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Castro is giving a speech at the Revolution Square and says: "Comrades, God willing, this year we will have enough eggs for all the Cuban people!" At which point his brother Raúl leans over and says to him: "But Fidel, we are Communists, there is no God." To which Fidel responds in a whisper: "Don't worry. There are no eggs either."
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Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."
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[Lardlad95]

You continually call us Jokes yet this entire thread is full of jokes.

Please come up with an arguement instead of this stereotypical bullshit

[mentalbunny]

I'm sorry, they're meant to be funny? I think you're funny, haha! We aren't all communists, in case you didn't know, so I don't care what you say about that.
I won't go on, it'd be a waste of my time...

[Turnoviseous]

Heh, what a ´nice´ jokes.

I especially like this one

"What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle. "

Probably you have never heard of a proverb "The more rusty Lada is, the better it works."

Your "joke" about Lada was a very bad one. But probably the best of yours on the list.

[new democracy]

MaxB, i must say that this is thr most brilliant argument you ever had against communism!!!! oh wait, it isn't you actually never had an argument against communism only copy and paste stuff.

[Marxman]

These jokes are funny, I can't deny that. But some lack of reality and real facts of History, like Lenin speaking to his successor - Stalin (!?). Mostly are jokes on Stalinism account, which I like. But mostly are dumb, plain and simple.

How easily cappies prove their mental disability. It's beginning to be pathetic now. At least make a speech or something, not just qoutes.

[Anonymous]

you call that jokes? i call it stupidity!

[Anonymous]

plus most of that jokes are stalinist jokes, and lammy ones!

[Mazdak]

Yeah. Stalin would have had this bastard shot for this!

[Kez]

Did you hear about the anarchist, he had a fuckin brain and knew what he was talking about, and he wasnt full of shit

Semeno

[guerrillaradio]

Quote: from MaxB on 5:55 pm on Sep. 22, 2002
Castro is giving a speech at the Revolution Square and says: "Comrades, God willing, this year we will have enough eggs for all the Cuban people!" At which point his brother Raúl leans over and says to him: "But Fidel, we are Communists, there is no God." To which Fidel responds in a whisper: "Don't worry. There are no eggs either."

That's the only funny one. Max, post something useful you cretin.

[RedCeltic]

Here are some joke that people who actually work for a living can relate to..

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Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

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The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on
your take-home pay.

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Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

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Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

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The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words
"open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".

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The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and establishes whether you are qualified to be a "professional".

Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
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Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.

Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference; all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

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Competitive salary
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

Join our fast-paced company
We have no time to train you.

Casual work atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Some overtime required
Some every night and some every weekend.

Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality assurance.

Career-minded
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

Problem-solving skills a must
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it

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The qualities of leadership

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

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Recipe for trouble

Ingredients:

Bully
Bad Management
Hot Water
Target

In double broiler melt together Bully and Bad Management. Add lots of Hot Water. Bring to a simmer. Transfer to pressure cooker and add Target (but leave lid off). Simmer target in mixture until Target looks competent, then turn up the heat until achieving a rolling boil. Remove Target and strip it of integrity, self-esteem and dignity. Return to pot. Cover and wait for Target to explode. Reserve Bully stock for next Target.

Feeds many bullies.

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At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove
It' days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."


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In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the latest AOL deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become KNOTT NOW!


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When I take a long time I'm slow
When my boss takes a long time he's thorough

When I don't do it I'm lazy
When my boss doesn't do it he's busy

When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I do something without being told, I'm overstepping my authority
When my boss does the same, that's initiative

When I take a stand, I'm being bull-headed
When my boss does it, he's being firm.

When I overlooked a rule of etiquette, I'm being rude
When my boss skips a few rules, he's being original

When I'm out of the office, I'm wandering around
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business

When I'm on a day off sick, I'm always sick
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I please my boss I'm crawling
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating

When I do good, my boss never remembers
When I do wrong, my boss never forgets........

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A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper, so the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."

[Mazdak]

REd Celtic, where did you learn that!!! Everyone i know tells that joke. I laughed hysterically when i first heard it.

Then i spent about six months debating whether or not the river could be called croccodile infested if there were no croccodiles in it. What a coincidence!

[Blackberry]

Quote: from Mazdak on 12:24 am on Sep. 23, 2002
REd Celtic, where did you learn that!!! Everyone i know tells that joke. I laughed hysterically when i first heard it.

Then i spent about six months debating whether or not the river could be called croccodile infested if there were no croccodiles in it. What a coincidence!

Hehe. I liked that one. And I got one of the answers correct. :)

I liked the rest of the jokes too, especially the one about the US Congress. :D

[Michael De Panama]

Cute.