The dilemma of the working mother

[Supermodel]

I'm a staunch feminist and have worked my way through having two kids and working full time. This was my choice, but I maintain that working mothers work primarily to put food on the table.

Here's the question:

We know that mothers have a right to work (outside the home, yadda yadda)

Do you firmly believe that mothers who stay home and rely on their spouse are fully entitled to do so?

I'm not interested in whether one model is better than the other. Just on the concept of temporary dependency as a valid life choice, valuing the work of motherhood more than money.


Please help, this is keeping me awake at night.

[El Che]

Its an individual choice supermodel. But if you ask me, in making such a decision one should think about one`s own realisation in life. I mean what do you want out of life? is raising your childern enough? If I may answer my own question, I`ll say that to me this is not enough. More often then not we achive (those who do...) realisation through professional activity and the true achivement of something.

But then I dont have childern and I`m not a woman...


(Edited by El Che at 7:54 pm on July 22, 2002)

[El Che]

Oh, and I dont think this belongs in Theory, sound more like Chit Chat material to me.

[deadpool 52]

The answer is. . .


































yes and yes, yes and no, no and yes, no and no.

[Conghaileach]

Depends really on the culture I suppose. In Japan, women are more likely to stay at home - they place more importance on women being the caregivers and "den mothers", so to speak.

[Felicia]

It depends how you feel about relying on a man. Personally, I'm too independent to let a man do anything for me. But raising children is an important job, stay at home mothers (and fathers) aren't given enough credit these days. So relying on a man temporarily is not a shame, you do what you have to do to give that child the best upbringing you can (a left one). I commend you on raising your children and working full time. That must have been difficult.

[Valkyrie]

I think if you decide to stay home, than you should also home-school your children. There is no sense of you being there all day if they are not.

Also - I HIGHLY recommend as a life or death option- that before you make the decision to not work that you read the FEMININE MYSTIQUE.

[Fires of History]

Supermodel,

Depends. It's the nuclear family that is your enemy here. In yesteryears, families were communal, extended. It was usually left for the grandparents to take care of the kids, especially in ancient cultures (which worked out great because kids and grandparents are wonderful, and biologically natural, counterparts). The frustration you are experiencing is due partly to the creation of the nuclear family, that greatest of Victorian inventions that guarentees patriarchial domination of women at home, and- later- that every single family will need their own toaster. What could be better for our consumer society than the nuclear family?

Communal living is our past and future culture. Sorry you're stuck here now in between with these difficult questions that really have no answer.

Best of luck though, either way it's a rough road I think. I hope you pick whichever one will be better for you.

[peaccenicked]

This is in many way a cultural question but it has universal aspects. In a sense self perception is at the root but that is also conditioned by peer pressure. The older I get and I find with my peers that money and carreer are cushions. People want the cushion for old age. All the larger ambitions have become reduced to
security. In my world temporary dependency has to be measured in these terms. Can I get away with it?

[suffianr]

Supermodel, I think your kids would appreciate it if you stayed at home to look after them. Let's not get into gender roles or feminism, but since there's an option for you not to work, why not consider it as an opportunity to be there and watch your children grow?

There's no shame in that, I agree with felicia, just be there for them... :)

[Fires of History]

Quote: from Supermodel on 7:26 pm on July 22, 2002

Do you firmly believe that mothers who stay home and rely on their spouse are fully entitled to do so?


Sorry, didn't really directly answer your question.

YES!

Just as I would support a father at home, or a mother. It's a choice left only to the couple involved. If you can, I'd say sure. And if you want to, I'd say sure.

I was just getting at how that for 99.999999% of our evolution we have lived communally, and how sad it is that nowadays most of us spend the great majority of our time away from our friends and family to make money for others and eek out an 'existence' for ourselves.

[stick person]

This a question of economic class. For a poor woman, there is no confusion--she will work, as have all poor women and poor men throughout time, as much as possible just to provide for the basics. Only in a situation of economic security can there arise any doubt about the best use of an adult's time.

For people who have slightly more money and have relationship stability, the issue is remains an economic one. Would one adult remaining at home add to or subtract from the family's total income? (saving on childcare, preparing meals at home, reducing transportation expenses, etc., can more than outweigh a low income wage). This has to be decided on a case-by-case basis, with an eye to immediate survival.

At the level of the middle class, the economic issues are no longer immediate but involve longer term security. Few people can be so sure of the stability of their primary relationship as to rely on it for their future benefits. Remaining in the workforce increases the family's present wealth but more importantly secures the well-being of each parent and the children in the future. The real freedom of choice here is that one parent may opt to work part-time with an eye to future developments, while devoting the majority of time to bringing up children. Having one parent give up all remunerative work, though, creates an unhealthy dependency.

All this is just my long-winded way of saying, if you are middle class, maybe you should work part-time, if that is what you want, but there are still good reasons to keep working.

[Supermodel]

Thank you, thank you thank you everyone.

This isn't a money issue, we'll be fine either way. I have worked very very hard my whole life and now I have a unique opportunity to take a break and my kids are still small.

Thru the internet I will be making a contribution every day to the world (also reading, writing, maybe taking college courses) but I never really tried being a full time mom and I think I want to give it a go.

I'll still be here, chatting with you fine folks.

[I Will Deny You]

If you've worked for a long time and have never stayed home with your children very much, then taking some time off to be with them would be very nice. I don't agree with the idea of mothers staying home until their children are 18, but I also don't like the thought of both parents working full-time, all the time. I'm not sure if your husband stays with your kids very much, but if he hasn't either then that's even more reason to do it. Plus, if you're going to take a college course or do volunteer work, then it's not as if you're pissing a year or two of your life away.

Go for it.

Lindsay

[thebigcom]

First of all let me congrtaulate you for being a mother of two, and still working, most cant do that. but no spouse is entitled to live off the sweat of their partner, but our society now gives women that option.