cormacobear
1st January 2007, 02:39
My wife and I won't stay here to raise our children. How do you fight this level of evil.
December 27, 2006 (Fort McMurray): Alberta Premier Ed
Stelmach today announced in Fort McMurray a binding
but preliminary agreement between the Province of
Alberta and the Prince of Darkness, Satan. Their
agreement in principle was said to cover a wide range
of matters including an agreement to suppress
reporting of traffic-jam-related road rage incidents
involving unregistered handguns, and an exploratory
agreement to discover if persons made homeless in
Alberta's housing crisis and frozen to death had
internal organs suitable for sale on the open global
market. "Pretty much everything in Alberta is for
sale, so, this was not much of a reach," Premier
Stelmach said.
Initial conversations with Hell had begun under former
Premier Ralph Klein, who was said however to have been
unable to formally complete the deal due to a conflict
of interest. "Ralph had a foot in both camps, so to
speak, due to a previous deal he'd made for his own
soul, apparently, so it was left to this
administration to finalize arrangements", said a
source close to the Premier's office. Stelmach
himself declined comment.
Church groups had a strangely muted response to the
deal. "Frankly, we're all just a little bit stunned,
and some of us are afraid," said a prominent United
Church official who declined to be named, "but since
this was the culmination of a long series of steps I
think we're also just not surprised. Alberta's moral
character was a frog that was boiled a long time ago.
While we were distracted by gay marriage and taxes we
didn't seem to care that we were causing hurricanes
and extinction elsewhere and droughts and forest fires
here. Our politics has been selfish and hate-ridden."
Stelmach objected to the characterization: "It's not
selfish to wipe out polar bears to earn an extra few
dollars. It's not hateful to say that our citizens
having more money is more important than some brown
people living on some vulnerable coastline living at
all. We're not responsible for eradication of all
those species and cultures - it's the people burning
the oil that do that. All that's going on here is
making money and business as usual, what we Albertans
have always done. How people use the oil we pump is
just not our business, and just not our problem." A
large contingent of Alberta business leaders were present
for the announcement of the agreement with Satan.
"We'd pretty much already given the province over to
Old Scratch, which is a nickname for Satan but also
for money," said one Calgary lawyer who also declined
to be named, "so this was not as much of a reach as
people think." Prominent Albertans contacted for
comment agreed that the province had been morally up
for sale for some time, and that the agreement was
nothing but a formalization of existing arrangements.
Stelmach defended the agreement strongly against all
criticism: "We were clearly already trading away our
quality of life, starting with aboriginal Albertans
who live downstream from the Oil Sands," he said,
using the Alberta government's propaganda term for the
Athabaska Tar Sands, "their cancer isn't as costly to
treat as we make out of dumping our effluent there. A
similar logic applies to reducing the quality of life
everywhere to make a few of us a great deal richer,"
he said, "which is important to keep us motivated.
Young families with children are leaving Alberta, and
Fort McMurray is becoming a haven for drugs and vice.
You don't keep that kind of high-cash high-pain dollar
economy going by making deals with angels," he
shrugged. "Alberta is more like Vegas than Canada."
Some details of the arrangement had yet to be
concluded. For instance, lawyers were divided on the
question of whether Alberta has any collective 'soul'
for which additional compensation could be negotiated.
Stelmach agreed also with critics who argued that the
province had been tending to sell out its moral and
ecological integrity for quite some time. "Once you
let your quality of life drop drastically to make a
buck, and don't spend that money to protect the most
helpless, you're pretty much on a permanent
downslide."
"Yes," he said, "once you're willing to let quality of
life go to make a buck, and you don't care enough
about the most helpless people harmed by that to make
up for it, you're on a permanent downslide. We'd been
on a road to disaster for quite some time, long before
I took over as Premier. What I've done is made sure,
as our Premiers always have, that Albertans get the
best deal. We were going to Hell anyway, and cutting
the deal sooner rather than later gains us more money
to make it possible to reduce taxes faster and sooner."
December 27, 2006 (Fort McMurray): Alberta Premier Ed
Stelmach today announced in Fort McMurray a binding
but preliminary agreement between the Province of
Alberta and the Prince of Darkness, Satan. Their
agreement in principle was said to cover a wide range
of matters including an agreement to suppress
reporting of traffic-jam-related road rage incidents
involving unregistered handguns, and an exploratory
agreement to discover if persons made homeless in
Alberta's housing crisis and frozen to death had
internal organs suitable for sale on the open global
market. "Pretty much everything in Alberta is for
sale, so, this was not much of a reach," Premier
Stelmach said.
Initial conversations with Hell had begun under former
Premier Ralph Klein, who was said however to have been
unable to formally complete the deal due to a conflict
of interest. "Ralph had a foot in both camps, so to
speak, due to a previous deal he'd made for his own
soul, apparently, so it was left to this
administration to finalize arrangements", said a
source close to the Premier's office. Stelmach
himself declined comment.
Church groups had a strangely muted response to the
deal. "Frankly, we're all just a little bit stunned,
and some of us are afraid," said a prominent United
Church official who declined to be named, "but since
this was the culmination of a long series of steps I
think we're also just not surprised. Alberta's moral
character was a frog that was boiled a long time ago.
While we were distracted by gay marriage and taxes we
didn't seem to care that we were causing hurricanes
and extinction elsewhere and droughts and forest fires
here. Our politics has been selfish and hate-ridden."
Stelmach objected to the characterization: "It's not
selfish to wipe out polar bears to earn an extra few
dollars. It's not hateful to say that our citizens
having more money is more important than some brown
people living on some vulnerable coastline living at
all. We're not responsible for eradication of all
those species and cultures - it's the people burning
the oil that do that. All that's going on here is
making money and business as usual, what we Albertans
have always done. How people use the oil we pump is
just not our business, and just not our problem." A
large contingent of Alberta business leaders were present
for the announcement of the agreement with Satan.
"We'd pretty much already given the province over to
Old Scratch, which is a nickname for Satan but also
for money," said one Calgary lawyer who also declined
to be named, "so this was not as much of a reach as
people think." Prominent Albertans contacted for
comment agreed that the province had been morally up
for sale for some time, and that the agreement was
nothing but a formalization of existing arrangements.
Stelmach defended the agreement strongly against all
criticism: "We were clearly already trading away our
quality of life, starting with aboriginal Albertans
who live downstream from the Oil Sands," he said,
using the Alberta government's propaganda term for the
Athabaska Tar Sands, "their cancer isn't as costly to
treat as we make out of dumping our effluent there. A
similar logic applies to reducing the quality of life
everywhere to make a few of us a great deal richer,"
he said, "which is important to keep us motivated.
Young families with children are leaving Alberta, and
Fort McMurray is becoming a haven for drugs and vice.
You don't keep that kind of high-cash high-pain dollar
economy going by making deals with angels," he
shrugged. "Alberta is more like Vegas than Canada."
Some details of the arrangement had yet to be
concluded. For instance, lawyers were divided on the
question of whether Alberta has any collective 'soul'
for which additional compensation could be negotiated.
Stelmach agreed also with critics who argued that the
province had been tending to sell out its moral and
ecological integrity for quite some time. "Once you
let your quality of life drop drastically to make a
buck, and don't spend that money to protect the most
helpless, you're pretty much on a permanent
downslide."
"Yes," he said, "once you're willing to let quality of
life go to make a buck, and you don't care enough
about the most helpless people harmed by that to make
up for it, you're on a permanent downslide. We'd been
on a road to disaster for quite some time, long before
I took over as Premier. What I've done is made sure,
as our Premiers always have, that Albertans get the
best deal. We were going to Hell anyway, and cutting
the deal sooner rather than later gains us more money
to make it possible to reduce taxes faster and sooner."