rioters bloc
5th June 2006, 16:33
this was written by a queer friend of mine for queer friends and the like. enjoy.
ps. this was published in vertigo, the student mag i edit.
I know what youre thinking, naughty spatula. Youre just reading this publication cause its the closest non-sexual thing to orgasm. You need release. But LTEPs (long-term-emotional-partnerships) are sooo yesterday, SOPVs (sex on premises venues) are too expensive, YAYH (you and your hands) are fighting, and C (clubbing) is just toomucheffort. Ever considered a tearoom? A cottage? A carousel, a slangpark, a bog, a a a beat? Disgusting, I know, and morally reprehensible.
Dont have a local? What are you doing to rectify this situation? Do you expect everything to be handed to you on a silver platter? Be proactive! D.I.Y.
Step 1: Location.
Your local pool shower, park, public toilet, car park, shrubbery, railroad, beach, the freezer aisle at woolies, the Shakespeare section at your local library anywhere, really. Just bear in mind these safety issues:
a) The world is full of un-fun homophobic fuckwits.
b) Security firms may take a disliking to on-site fun.
c) Police dont have fun.
For these reasons your mystery location should: have mobile coverage, be in a publicly accessible location with unsuspicious escape routes, and be simultaneously private.
Observe the space.
Find out if its already active by checking for a few obvious signs:
a) The man at the urinal has been there for 10 minutes and is not urinating.
b) There are holes in the walls between cubicles.
c) There are many messages on the wall calling for same-sex sexual favours.
Twink is not a shortening of twinky. Daddy is not actually your father. Straight-acting does not mean the person in question wont have same-sex sex.
d) The man in the cubicle next to you passes you a note saying want a blow-job? while looking over/under the wall.
Step 2: Advertising.
a) Chosen your location? Congratulations! Youre now ready to name your baby. Probably something recognisable and descriptive is the way to go, like the name of the park with beat attached. (e.g. Mansfield Park Beat, World Tower Level 25 Beat.) Obscure names are fun (like Monagma or Griffin or Aura-Lee) but I suggest you keep them as pet names, freak.
b) Set up a website.
If youre really keen, and a bit techno savvy you can make a website for your beat. Use the name you decided on. Make it easy to use. Websites should be easy to use. Create a forum where peeps can discuss their biz.
If you are not so techno savvy, use Yahoo groups.
If you dont know how to open Safari, poke yourself in the eye.
c) Do the toilet door drop!
Not to be mistaken for the foxtrot shuffle, the toilet door drop involves advertising your beat in surrounding toilets. Heres where your website comes in handy.
Step 3: Attendance.
Ok, heres the time-consuming part. And you thought youd done all the groundwork.
Sit down in this new happy space whenever you can. Its kind of boring, but there are fun bits too(!). You get to recognise the patterns of the place, how busy it gets and the calibre of the regular clientele (and the stench slowly becomes more palatable, or at least more recognisable).
Step 4.
There will come a time when your space will take on a life of its own. Hooray! Youre ready! Get your fancy pants off and lets get dancin!
Whatever your label (hets included), you can catch more than babies from pink bits. Slap on a condom, slop it with lube and get sexy doctor check-ups every six months.
Note: Because beat creator is not technically a recognised occupation, the Beat Creators Union (BCU) is a little under-funded. Do not expect representation.
ps. this was published in vertigo, the student mag i edit.
I know what youre thinking, naughty spatula. Youre just reading this publication cause its the closest non-sexual thing to orgasm. You need release. But LTEPs (long-term-emotional-partnerships) are sooo yesterday, SOPVs (sex on premises venues) are too expensive, YAYH (you and your hands) are fighting, and C (clubbing) is just toomucheffort. Ever considered a tearoom? A cottage? A carousel, a slangpark, a bog, a a a beat? Disgusting, I know, and morally reprehensible.
Dont have a local? What are you doing to rectify this situation? Do you expect everything to be handed to you on a silver platter? Be proactive! D.I.Y.
Step 1: Location.
Your local pool shower, park, public toilet, car park, shrubbery, railroad, beach, the freezer aisle at woolies, the Shakespeare section at your local library anywhere, really. Just bear in mind these safety issues:
a) The world is full of un-fun homophobic fuckwits.
b) Security firms may take a disliking to on-site fun.
c) Police dont have fun.
For these reasons your mystery location should: have mobile coverage, be in a publicly accessible location with unsuspicious escape routes, and be simultaneously private.
Observe the space.
Find out if its already active by checking for a few obvious signs:
a) The man at the urinal has been there for 10 minutes and is not urinating.
b) There are holes in the walls between cubicles.
c) There are many messages on the wall calling for same-sex sexual favours.
Twink is not a shortening of twinky. Daddy is not actually your father. Straight-acting does not mean the person in question wont have same-sex sex.
d) The man in the cubicle next to you passes you a note saying want a blow-job? while looking over/under the wall.
Step 2: Advertising.
a) Chosen your location? Congratulations! Youre now ready to name your baby. Probably something recognisable and descriptive is the way to go, like the name of the park with beat attached. (e.g. Mansfield Park Beat, World Tower Level 25 Beat.) Obscure names are fun (like Monagma or Griffin or Aura-Lee) but I suggest you keep them as pet names, freak.
b) Set up a website.
If youre really keen, and a bit techno savvy you can make a website for your beat. Use the name you decided on. Make it easy to use. Websites should be easy to use. Create a forum where peeps can discuss their biz.
If you are not so techno savvy, use Yahoo groups.
If you dont know how to open Safari, poke yourself in the eye.
c) Do the toilet door drop!
Not to be mistaken for the foxtrot shuffle, the toilet door drop involves advertising your beat in surrounding toilets. Heres where your website comes in handy.
Step 3: Attendance.
Ok, heres the time-consuming part. And you thought youd done all the groundwork.
Sit down in this new happy space whenever you can. Its kind of boring, but there are fun bits too(!). You get to recognise the patterns of the place, how busy it gets and the calibre of the regular clientele (and the stench slowly becomes more palatable, or at least more recognisable).
Step 4.
There will come a time when your space will take on a life of its own. Hooray! Youre ready! Get your fancy pants off and lets get dancin!
Whatever your label (hets included), you can catch more than babies from pink bits. Slap on a condom, slop it with lube and get sexy doctor check-ups every six months.
Note: Because beat creator is not technically a recognised occupation, the Beat Creators Union (BCU) is a little under-funded. Do not expect representation.