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fallen camarade
16th September 2004, 13:48
PLEASE READ, AND PLEASE POST. ANSWERS ARE VERY NECESSARY.

I realize that this is not as deep as other conversations going on in here, and it's more sociology than philosophy, but if you are going to make such strong decisions about such things as metaphysics and theology, than I guess I can assume that you all can conquer something as small as simple human interaction.

I have known for quite some time now, that everyone is basically the same in the USA. We live in a very egocentric society, and thus, everyone thinks they are special. However, recently, I have come up with my own personal slogan that has been entertaining to friends, as well as somewhat informative; "You are not special". It's that simple. Everyone is the same. You walk in any public place, and everyone talks about the same things. They laugh at basically the same things, do the same things...there is very little truly unique things that americans do or say. The so called "individuals" are usually just exact replicas of other self-righteous fools that think they know everything; hence the reason I haven't come on this site in a while. I've had some bad experiences with overly egotistical ignoraemouses in here (please excuse my spelling).

However, that's not the point really. I am a college student, fairly fresh to the environment. I go to a community college, and am surrounded with new social possibilities. I am very socially ananlytical, and that may either be my downfall, or may be a blessing, but at the rate I'm going, it's probably not a good thing.

In high school, I had no enemys. I didn't think that I was all to special, but my friends would rain down compliments on me when I would question myself and what I was worth. They would say that no one hates me, and that people seem drawn to me, but I wasn't so sure I believed that. I had a fear of college, because despite what others said, I knew I had issues with interaction. Keep in mind at all times, that I know that everyone is the same. Keep in mind my slogan. I think everyone is a little different, but not so much that anyone is truly unapproachable. I've learned to expand "the ego" into multiple settings, so I can truly be open to anything. I suppose I will not be able to fully capture what I feel about people and interaction in this post, but regardless, my thoughts on people should allow me to speak to anyone without fear, and to be able to successfully communicate; possibly even have a friend.

What I don't get, is why am I failing at this. I've met a few interesting people, but not many, and I want to have as many people I can openly have conversations with as possible. I know it sounds like I'm just some insecure college student, but I think differently than I feel when talking to people. I know that people detect comfort and confidence nearly immediately, and I realize how important the first interaction with someone is. I should have no problems, but I do. I just don't understand what it is that creates such difficulty between people when it comes to interaction, especially at my age and stage of life. I try so much, but find it hard to create anything concrete. Having aquaintances is a good thing, but it's not so great to have ONLY aquaintances.

I think all of the time. My head is in a constant analysis of everything; if I could stop this introverted thinking for even just brief periods of time, I would, but I can't. I understand what needs to be done, but can't do it. Or if I do give it a shot, it dosen't go over well. People suggest to ask questions like "where did you go to school before this?", "Where are you from?", "What is your major?", and other such questions, but I've seen that they only greaten the distance between you and that person. From my recent observations, I've found that the one concrete way of creating a stable relationship automatically, is through humor. Laughing and joking when first meeting someone creates a sort of feeling of comfort, and you automatically feel as if this person has been your friend for years. Problem is, knowing that, and analyzing that, I'm likely to force humor out of me to interact, which therefore makes whatever I say not funny, and creates an akward feeling. This is a problem.

This whole post may be out of place, but it is philosophy to me. It is very important to me to understand these things, and apply them successfully so they, at some point, become second nature. I need to understand this. I need to master the art of interaction. It is one of the few things that will make me truly happy in this world. I'm tired of dwelling on this. I'm not insanely odd, and people I know, friends and people I don't know to well alike, find me to be an interesting person, and I have the knowledge to go forth and create success with this, so what is going wrong?! I just can't piece it together, so I'm requesting help from an intellectual community for assistance. I won't post personal fodder like this anymore. I usually focus on more important things, but I just need this so much. I need to solve it, and I need help to get there, so please lend a hand. It's very much appreciated.

redstar2000
16th September 2004, 15:12
I think all of the time. My head is in a constant analysis of everything; if I could stop this introverted thinking for even just brief periods of time, I would, but I can't. I understand what needs to be done, but can't do it.

Why would you want to? I suspect your "problem" is that you are different from most people...and that's why you have such a problem "interacting" with them.

Well, it's the way you are...why should you want to change that?

There are "books" out there that purport to teach people how to develop "winning personalities"...or at least how to fake it. You could always read a few of them and learn the "techniques" of "appearing gregarious".

But what is gained from that strategy...except a whole lot of "friends" that you really don't like.

Happiness?

I'm not well-versed in philosophy (as others have gleefully pointed out), but for what it's worth, I think the "secret" of happiness is being true to ourselves.

"Follow your own course and never mind what others do", said Marx.

I think he was right.

:redstar2000:

The Redstar2000 Papers (http://www.redstar2000papers.fightcapitalism.net)
A site about communist ideas

percept”on
16th September 2004, 15:54
Honestly bro I wasn't going to respond to this but it's just that when I read your post, you sound just like me when I was your age. Your problem is you think too much and you care too much about what others think about you.


Symptoms - Avoidant Personality Disorder
Mental Help Net Staff

Avoidant Personality Disorder
Symptoms

This disorder is characterized by a long-standing and complex pattern of feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to what other people think about them, and social inhibition. It typically manifests itself by early adulthood and includes a majority of the following symptoms:

* avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
* is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
* shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
* is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
* is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
* views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
* is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

http://mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=513&cn=8


My suggestion is to stop trying to be what you think other people want you to be and just be whatever the fuck you want.

fallen camarade
16th September 2004, 16:07
You know...that kind of is me...

I often say I am socially inept. It's not that I think I'm worthless, because I don't. I just really want to meet people. I enjoy it. It makes me happy to be with friends. I don't change myself really to fit other's desires...I just try to hard I guess. I know, during these situations, that there is nothing to worry about. I say to myself "People read confidence; just do it". I know what to do, I want to do it, and I know of the rewards...I just don't do it for some reason. Everything is there, except the action.

I don't think I have avoidant personality disorder. It sounds like someone who is just constantly afraid, and dosen't talk to people at all, and is reclusive, and although friends would be nice, they would prefer the comfort of just being alone. I however, am not always afraid, I want to talk to people a lot, I hate being reclusive, I don't like to have to much time a lone...etc. I sometimes install feelings of inadequacy in my head, but usually overcome it by realizing the whole "everyone is the same" principle. However, I will admit to the extreme sensitivity of others thoughts.

It's just because I know that there is a way to easily speak to people. I know that there is some way that I can learn to communicate with others better, and by doing that, I don't mean learning to change who I am just to seek approval, I mean changing my conversation skills, and learning to not get nervous, because I know that it's nothing to worry about.

I was afraid that I would come off as some whiny insecure college kid, and I tried to get rid of that notion in the first post, but I think the problem is still being translated that way. I am who I am, and I have no problem with that...I just want to be better and meeting people, and communicating with others...become a more likable person instead of just being to myself. That's no way to live.

However..thank you very much for that. I did give a little insight as to what is going on in my head, and although it's not exactly it, researching it may still give me some decent answers.

Palmares
21st September 2004, 10:55
As perception said, I think you do think too much about what others think. You need to detach yourself more.

You say you have problems interacting with other people? Hell, so do I. I'm a shy guy. I was most shy when I was worried about imbarressing myself to 'cool' people. Though, over time I no longer cared, and have become more open. That has much to do with detach myself. Honestly, unless you are an extrovert (sp?), I wouldn't worry about it too much. Really, mnay people will have the best interaction with those that have things in common with them. It just falls apart otherwise.

Of course small talk is integral in getting to know someone.

fallen camarade
21st September 2004, 17:24
I do think to much. It happens. Maybe I shouldn't care as much...

I'm not really an extrovert. It's the opposite really. It's all inside my head.

What I don't follow, is if what you are saying is that by detaching I will have more success with interaction, or if you are saying I should just leave it all behind and just hope for the best.

I need some tactics. Some ideas. What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? What am I not even considering? Why is it that I feel akward even when I find something I can relate to with someone? Is the atmoshpere of my location inhibiting the possibilities for success? That may be to much thinking in and of itself, but I'm not sure. Some thought on that would be helpful also.

PRC-UTE
21st September 2004, 20:40
m8, there's nothing wrong with you. give yourself some time. In america everyone is still in reaction mode to events that have been going on, ie: 9/11.

Americans are pretending to be wholesome, "normal" and innocent again, it&#39;s a very stifling environment. <_< Very different from the &#39;90s when the USA had a "pimp-in-chief". :lol: :lol:

like red said, be yourself, because that&#39;s all you can really do.

I didn&#39;t "fit in" either but now that I&#39;m older I&#39;m more free to choose friends and find different folks who I have interests in common with and that rawks.

Palmares
22nd September 2004, 01:45
Originally posted by fallen [email protected] 22 2004, 02:24 AM
I do think to much. It happens. Maybe I shouldn&#39;t care as much...

I&#39;m not really an extrovert. It&#39;s the opposite really. It&#39;s all inside my head.

What I don&#39;t follow, is if what you are saying is that by detaching I will have more success with interaction, or if you are saying I should just leave it all behind and just hope for the best.

I need some tactics. Some ideas. What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? What am I not even considering? Why is it that I feel akward even when I find something I can relate to with someone? Is the atmoshpere of my location inhibiting the possibilities for success? That may be to much thinking in and of itself, but I&#39;m not sure. Some thought on that would be helpful also.
When I say detach, I mean to not care for other&#39;s expectations. It doesn&#39;t mean to leave it and &#39;hope for the best&#39;, as the &#39;best&#39; would really be something that is best for you, not for others. You may well say, impressing others makes you feel good, but there is also a greater possibility of imbarressment on their arbitrary criterion.

Dunno if I really made my point there.

First of all, if you are trying to mix with poeple you are uncomfortable with, maybe those are the people you should interact with? Just a thought. I used to try to impress, or interact with a certain type of person (it changes often), but now I really don&#39;t care. I still have some bias towards bohemians though.

When it comes down to it, changing the way you interact with people won&#39;t change overnight. You have to change your mentality, which will be a progression. Neverthelss, it would perhaps be a good idea to try to be more open, but nothing too uncomfortable. Hell, I still find it hard to talk to various people, especially women...

Using a friend to help interact with people is a good idea, kinda like friendly support. That isn&#39;t to say they carry the conversation, but help you know more about them (hopefully commons grounds somewhere) and ... who knows? Fundamentally it is you who will have to make a conscious effort (if not physically, at least mentally), but as I said, support is always good.

Sorry if this makes no sense, but I&#39;ll try better next time if it is too confusing. :(

Don't Change Your Name
22nd September 2004, 16:36
Oh man.... I am on a very simmilar situation than you.


There are "books" out there that purport to teach people how to develop "winning personalities"...or at least how to fake it. You could always read a few of them and learn the "techniques" of "appearing gregarious".

Exactly. Those "self-help" books tell you how to be a fake "alpha male". It might work if you practice.

T_SP
22nd September 2004, 20:44
I think you couldn&#39;t be in a better place than here&#33; Spending time with like minded individuals is the only way you will feel happy about being with people around you&#33; Obviously you do not want to restrict your self to sitting on a message board day after day&#33; See this site UK parents (http://www.ukparents.co.uk/forumsasp/index.asp) these people have nothing better to do&#33; So try changing your group of friends or even move else where and find somewhere you feel comfortable, also try finding like minded individuals. Hope this helps :unsure: