EdwardJacobs
29th August 2004, 22:33
Well, this is a long story, so I suppose I should start at the begining.
My family never was what you would call financially secure, my father had a drinking problem and my mother commited suicide when I was rather young. I had a rather turbulent childhood, and I struggled through school, partly because of economic factors, and partly because I was never very bright. But I stuck it out and managed to do what no family member of mine had done yet, graduate highschool.
After I finished my schooling, the military seemed like the best option around at that point, so I enlisted in the army. Once I was in, I noticed alot of things. I was fitting in, I loved what I did, and I was good at it. I was in fact so good that I was able to pass the test, and become a member of a special forces unit. You would think the story would end there, but during the reign of Bush the first, I found myself deployed to Saudi Arabia.
I fought in that war, and several others. All in all I fought in 3 conflicts, both Iraq wars, and the fighting in Somalia. Yes, I killed people, at least 30 or 40. But what disturbed me the most was not that I killed people, being in the military in the United States, thats no shock, but I ENJOYED killing people. The feeling I got when the bullets started flying was like a drug, a very powerful drug.
But an event happened very recently that made me realize how much wrong I have done.
Three months ago, I was in Iraq, and I found myself talking to an Iraqi teacher, who spoke very good English, I would go so far as to say it was even better than mine, a native speaker. The conversation shifted to politics. I had always been apolitical, I follow orders, don't ask questions, you know, a good soldier. He identified himself as a Marxist, and while he was explaining his ideas to me, I saw a picture on his desk, and I recognised it. I asked him who it was and he said it was his son, who lost his life fighting Americans two weeks ago.
I knew that face, because I was the one that killed him. Suddenly, all this grief welled up inside me. At that moment, I realized that every person I had killed for my country, had a family. They had parents who missed them, brothers and sisters who wanted their sibling back, and I'm sure a few of them had children I personally orphined.
I snapped right then and there. The army psychologist diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder and I was put in leave, to go back to the states, and receive counceling. Just a few days ago, I worked up the courage to write to this teacher, and apologize for stealing his son away from him, and I was amazed at his reply. He told me that he didn't blame me, because I was just a working class man who had been used by the American ruling class as a weapon against the working class of other nations. He told me that the workers of the world had more in common than they did with the ruling class of their own countries. I was blindsided that he could forgive me like that.
In another email, he asked me if I would be interested in becoming politically active. I told him I would like nothing better, but I don't know enough about it. Suprisingly, he gave me the name of this site, and told me all I needed to know would be here. So here I am.
But I have a problem, I want to stop being a tool of the American government, but I can't leave the military just yet. Its the only job I ever had, and I have 4 hungry mouths to feed, and bills to pay. I know I should leave the army, but I am very close to retireing. In a few years, I will be able to leave with a full pension and complete benefits. But I also am nervous. If Bush gets re-elected, he could very well send me into battle again, and that's something I just couldn't handle. And worse yet, what if I went to battle, died, and I left my wife and children with no one to make sure they have a roof over their heads and food to eat, its a major problem.
So, what do you think? Should I stick it out to get my pension and retirement benefits, or should I request a conscientious objector status now?
-Edward Jacobs
My family never was what you would call financially secure, my father had a drinking problem and my mother commited suicide when I was rather young. I had a rather turbulent childhood, and I struggled through school, partly because of economic factors, and partly because I was never very bright. But I stuck it out and managed to do what no family member of mine had done yet, graduate highschool.
After I finished my schooling, the military seemed like the best option around at that point, so I enlisted in the army. Once I was in, I noticed alot of things. I was fitting in, I loved what I did, and I was good at it. I was in fact so good that I was able to pass the test, and become a member of a special forces unit. You would think the story would end there, but during the reign of Bush the first, I found myself deployed to Saudi Arabia.
I fought in that war, and several others. All in all I fought in 3 conflicts, both Iraq wars, and the fighting in Somalia. Yes, I killed people, at least 30 or 40. But what disturbed me the most was not that I killed people, being in the military in the United States, thats no shock, but I ENJOYED killing people. The feeling I got when the bullets started flying was like a drug, a very powerful drug.
But an event happened very recently that made me realize how much wrong I have done.
Three months ago, I was in Iraq, and I found myself talking to an Iraqi teacher, who spoke very good English, I would go so far as to say it was even better than mine, a native speaker. The conversation shifted to politics. I had always been apolitical, I follow orders, don't ask questions, you know, a good soldier. He identified himself as a Marxist, and while he was explaining his ideas to me, I saw a picture on his desk, and I recognised it. I asked him who it was and he said it was his son, who lost his life fighting Americans two weeks ago.
I knew that face, because I was the one that killed him. Suddenly, all this grief welled up inside me. At that moment, I realized that every person I had killed for my country, had a family. They had parents who missed them, brothers and sisters who wanted their sibling back, and I'm sure a few of them had children I personally orphined.
I snapped right then and there. The army psychologist diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder and I was put in leave, to go back to the states, and receive counceling. Just a few days ago, I worked up the courage to write to this teacher, and apologize for stealing his son away from him, and I was amazed at his reply. He told me that he didn't blame me, because I was just a working class man who had been used by the American ruling class as a weapon against the working class of other nations. He told me that the workers of the world had more in common than they did with the ruling class of their own countries. I was blindsided that he could forgive me like that.
In another email, he asked me if I would be interested in becoming politically active. I told him I would like nothing better, but I don't know enough about it. Suprisingly, he gave me the name of this site, and told me all I needed to know would be here. So here I am.
But I have a problem, I want to stop being a tool of the American government, but I can't leave the military just yet. Its the only job I ever had, and I have 4 hungry mouths to feed, and bills to pay. I know I should leave the army, but I am very close to retireing. In a few years, I will be able to leave with a full pension and complete benefits. But I also am nervous. If Bush gets re-elected, he could very well send me into battle again, and that's something I just couldn't handle. And worse yet, what if I went to battle, died, and I left my wife and children with no one to make sure they have a roof over their heads and food to eat, its a major problem.
So, what do you think? Should I stick it out to get my pension and retirement benefits, or should I request a conscientious objector status now?
-Edward Jacobs