Joke thread

[John Galt]

Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that
he is not on the list and that, no way, no how, does he belong in heaven.
Castro must go to hell. So Castro goes to hell, where Satan gives him a
hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Castro notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who
says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your
stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.
Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one
comes up with the idea that they should climb over the wall and get the
luggage.

As they are climbing, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the
other, "Would you look at that? Fidel has been in hell no more than ten
minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

[BOZG]

Good one, I like that.

[John Galt]

A little boy returning home from his first day at school
said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational
theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all
aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes,
but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"



A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as
he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are
you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20
years?"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out
today."







One day, there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and
another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he
should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was
wrong.

“Well,” the first priest said, “have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?”

“No,” said the other.

“Well,” said the first, “it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually
when it is the least opportune time.”

“Oh,” said the third, “so, what happened?”

“Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now
pronounce you man and wife’?” asked the first.

“Yes?” said the second.

“Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, ‘I now sentence you to
death.’”






My neighbor's young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickel. He was
rushed to the hospital.

The next day I asked my neighbor how his son was doing and he replied,
"no change yet".








Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom asks
Eric what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women's questions
women ask. Now I'm in trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked if I'd still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will.'"

"Yeah," said Eric, "Right, except I said 'Of course I do.'"







A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.
One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband
was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he
was going to do.

The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where
I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."






Once there was a little boy who never got into
trouble. But one day, he broke a window, so
his dad said, "Go upstairs and think about
what you've done and I'll be up to give a spanking."

So this little boy is sitting upstairs, scared because
he's never gotten a spanking and doesn't know
what it's like. About 20 minutes later, his dad
comes up, spanks him, then goes back downstairs.

The little boy is just sitting there, crying. Suddenly
he stops, pulls his pants down, and backs up to the
mirror. He gasps in shock, then pulls his pants
back up.

He runs downstairs to his dad and says, "Are you
satisfied now, daddy? You cracked it!"





For the inexperienced Traveler


* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise
includes the phrase "Free Ammo".

* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know
if you have experience in jungle warfare.

* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military
uniforms.

* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a
suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

* Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license
plate motto is "Die American Pig".





While I'm not sure of the procedure now, when I was in the Navy, every
so often, you got umpteen shots, whether you needed them or not.

The carrier pilot in front of me as we passed thru the line asked for
a drink of water after receiving what seemed to be at least a dozen
different needles.

The Corpsman asked if he was dizzy.

"No, not at all," he replied. "I just wanna see if I'm still water-tight."





One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort
Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them
down, and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall:
Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What
is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, sixty privates
yelled, in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"






A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!" Hel-l-l-lo! It's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd
do if it was a whole DOLLAR!!!!



Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking
down on events in Iraq.

Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would
definitely have conquered India."

Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air
force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks."

There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon
speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I
lost the Russia campaign."



A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a
complicated operation, and found that the
curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the
curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"

A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is
a fire across the street, and we didn't want you
waking up and thinking that the operation was
unsuccessful."



One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and
the receptionist were verbally sparring.

After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense.

"Sir," she interjected, "Do you know what happens to aggressive males
in this office?"

[John Galt]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John
Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there
are 3 sides to every triangle'."


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have
given us more fingers and toes."

[BOZG]

Some of them were completely desperate, though some good ones in there, that I'll have to expropiate from you. :)

[M_Rawlins]

For the USSR hating Cappies, some jokes from the Baltic states [before independance in 1991]:


Question: How many times can you tell a good joke in the Soviet Union?
Answer: Three times. Once to a friend, once to a police investigator—and once to your cell mate.


Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev is making a speech. He finishes, then, as usual, asks for questions.

After a long silence, a man finally asks, “Was communism invented by scientists or by communists?”

Somewhat stumped, Brezhnev finally answers that it was invented by communists.
“I thought so too,” responds the man. “Scientists would have tested it on mice first.”


Question: What countries border the Soviet Union?
Answer: Any country the Soviet Union wants.


Soviet leaders Josef Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev and Leonid Brezhnev are traveling by train. Suddenly, the train grinds to a halt.

Stalin is the first to try to solve the problem. He orders that the engine driver be shot for sabotage and he deports the co-driver to Siberia. The train doesn’t move.

Khrushchev tries next. He brings the co-driver back from Siberia and tells him, “You’ve been away for a long time, but try to remember which controls do what.” He can’t and the train doesn’t move.

Finally, Brezhnev gives it a go. He orders that all the blinds be drawn across the windows and that passengers start rocking back and forth in their seats—creating, at least, the impression the train’s moving.


Question: What is the difference between the Soviet and U.S. constitutions?
Answer: The Soviet constitution guarantees freedom of speech and the right to hold demonstrations. The U.S. constitution also guarantees your freedom after the demonstrations and speeches.


A telephone is ringing in the Kremlin. It’s a long-distance call, and someone wants to speak with Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev. A staffer tells the caller that, unfortunately, the long-ailing Brezhnev is now dead.
After just a few minutes, the phone rings again and the same voice asks to speak with Brezhnev.
“Look, he’s dead!,” the caller is told once more. “Didn’t you hear me the first time?!”
“Of course. But it’s just such a nice thing to hear.”


Newly installed Soviet leader Juri Andropov receives a letter from recently deceased Leonid Brezhnev.
“I’m in hell,” it reads. “It’s not that bad here. But please send me a fork and knife. When Hitler’s on duty, he always forces me to eat with a hammer and sickle.”

Question: What is the difference between the Soviet and U.S. constitutions?
Answer: The Soviet constitution guarantees freedom of speech and the right to hold demonstrations. The U.S. constitution also guarantees your freedom after the demonstrations and speeches.

[Invader Zim]

A man walks into a pub, leans against the bar, and looks expectantly at the barman. The barman walks up to the guy, and says "What will it be"?

The man replies "a double scotch, please."

The bar man walks off and prepairs the drink, when he's finished, he places the drink before the man and says "that will be £2 please."

The man flattly replied, im not giving you a penny, at no stage in the deal did you state the cost of this transaction, so I assumed that it was free. A Lawyer, who happened to be listening to the conversation, walks up and says to the barman "he's got you by the ball's i'm afraid, you cant charge him for this drink."

The barman realising he has been defeated says, "well ok, but i dont want to see you in here again."

The next day the same bloke returns to the pub, and just as he walks to the bar, the barman shouts, "Get out, I said you could never come in here again!"

The man, looking shocked, denied any knowledge of this meating the previous day, and stated that he had only arrived in town that day, and could not possibly have been the same individual in the events the barman had described. The barman shakes his head in wonder and says, "thats really odd, you must have a double!"

The man replies with a grin, "well if you insist."

[BOZG]

Lenin headed directly to the paradise after he died. He thought he had done a lot of good for the oppressed to deserve retirement in the paradise. He knocked on Heaven's door:
“Knock, knock!”
God shouted from his cosmically gigantic and perfectly spherical office:
“Who's there?”
“Vladimir Illych Lenin.”
“Okay, okay! The last one in be sure to close the door. It's kind of cold in here…”
God studied carefully Lenin's dossier and decided to send him to the most suitable place: the hell.


A short time passed after Lenin's resettlement to Hell. Satan stormed into god's office one day.
“Almighty, pray ear my complaint! The hell is no longer functional. Lenin and his party nationalized the boilers, the furnaces…the whole hell. Sinners and devils spend time in interminable party meetings. In whatever time is left, they all gather in a huge choir. Women are always in front, men in the back rows. Everything must be absolutely politically correct. They rehearse La Internationale and other revolutionary songs, every day and every night. The electricity bill alone, Almighty God, will bankrupt You. Right now, Your Law is not observed: Nobody suffers, nobody is tortured. Pray, Almighty, take Lenin back to Paradise!”

Lenin was sent back to the paradise.


A short time passed after Lenin's transfer to Paradise. Satan stormed into God's office one day.
“God Almighty, pray ear my complaint! The hell is no longer functional. The sinners and devils want Lenin back. The sinners and devils together declared a general strike. They threaten with revolution. Pray, God, deport Lenin to Hell!”

“Listen up, comrade Satan! First of all, god does not exist…”

[John Galt]

John will never forget that horrible evening he took his grandmother
to the emergency room. And after an hour of pacing, the doctor
said, "John, your grandmother is on an artificial life support
system. Although her brain is dead, her heart is still beating."

John said, "Oh my God, we've never had a Democrat in the family
before."

[apathy maybe]

Me thinks the same joke would be funnier if you changed Democrat to capitalist.

[DaCuBaN]

In the intended context are they not one and the same?

I'm afraid I'm not much of a one for reciting jokes :(

A man walked into a bar

*OUCH*
:lol:

Well someone was going to :P :rolleyes:

[synthesis]

"And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I
lost the Russia campaign."

Haha, that's classic.

Here's one I found funny.

A member of the Cuban Central Committee falls sleep at a Party meeting. Suddenly a mouse runs across the room, and somebody yells: "Kill him! Kill him!" The guy who was asleep wakes up suddenly and, still half-sleep, yells: "And kill his brother also!"

[Dottie Commie]

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?






Tell them assylum seekers are the natural predators of Paedophiles.

(hmmm, you may have to be in the UK to appreciate that one)

[Roses in the Hospital]

Stalin is sitting in his Kremlin office when a family of rats scurry across the floor. Not knowing what to do he phones his friend who tels him to put some traps down before he goes home for the night. So before leaving he lays some traps...

The next day he comes back in and finds the rats still there, infuriated he phones his friend again and complains the traps didn't work. "Ahh," his friend says, "Try some poison instead." So once again Stalin does as his friend advises...

On the third day he comes into his office finds the rats STILL scurrying around the floor. With both plans failed Stalin gives up and decides to move offices...

Just then the Kremlin tea lady walks past. Seeing what a state Stalin is in she asks him what's wrong. "I've got rats in my office and can't get rid of them," he replies. The tea lady's face lights up, she makes a suggestion, "Just declare your office a collective farm. Half of the rats will run away and the other half will die of starvation..."







Stalin decides he wants to know what the Russian people really think of him so, he disguises himself as a worker and goes to the nearest cinema...

Before the main feature a newsreal is shown which, naturally, highlights Stalin as glorious leader in every shot...

When the newsreal finishes everyone in the cinema jumps to their feet and start applauding wildely. Taken aback by the affection the people are showing him Stalin stays seated modestly, at which point the man next to him leans over, "Many people feel as you do, comrade," he says, "But believe me, it's safer to stand."

[Roses in the Hospital]

Soviet leaders Josef Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev and Leonid Brezhnev are traveling by train. Suddenly, the train grinds to a halt.

Stalin is the first to try to solve the problem. He orders that the engine driver be shot for sabotage and he deports the co-driver to Siberia. The train doesn’t move.

Khrushchev tries next. He brings the co-driver back from Siberia and tells him, “You’ve been away for a long time, but try to remember which controls do what.” He can’t and the train doesn’t move.

Finally, Brezhnev gives it a go. He orders that all the blinds be drawn across the windows and that passengers start rocking back and forth in their seats—creating, at least, the impression the train’s moving

You missed the punch line...

Gorbochev gets up, "No, no comrades, you've got it all wrong. What we must do is get off the train wave our arms and run around shouting "The train has stopped working, the train has stopped working""

[DaCuBaN]

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?
Tell them assylum seekers are the natural predators of Paedophiles

:lol:
I think that applies to pretty much any redtop tabloid in the UK.