Brandon's Impotent Rage
20th October 2015, 03:12
Quick story:
I was always a bit odd as a child. I was very quiet, withdrawn, and really hated loud noises (more on that later). I had an extremely active imagination that I would retreat into when I was nervous or simply bored, which could be off putting to some people because it looked like I was talking to myself. I had odd ticks like pulling on and twisting my ears ( I still do this on occasion). I didn't really develop any real 'friends' until I was a teenager. Oh, I had playmates, but no real friends.
Oh, and that loud noises thing? That lasted well into my teen years. I would rock back and forth and rub over my ears, in hopes that the rubbing sounds would drown out the noise. This looked REALLY odd to anyone who would see it.
I wasn't necessarily anti-social or anything. I just preferred solitude over being in a group. Groups made me nervous and anxious.
That anxiety was another problem. I would be anxious and even afraid of potential events or school assignments that may not even have actually come to pass. Just the mere possibility seemed to spook me. These would later lead to various anxiety-related illnesses like IBS, Acid Reflux Disease, etc.
So, with what I've just told you, you're probably not going to be surprised with the fact that I was recently tested for Asperger's Syndrome by my doctor(s) and came back with positive results.
Things is, my folks and family have always suspected this. My Grandmother's sister is a retired school teacher and school principal who had experience with these things, and had brought up her suspicions to my Grandmother and Mother a few times. They never tested me for this back when I was a little kid (sure would have saved me a great deal of trouble, believe me).
But after a recent panic attack I had at work (one that resulted in me locking myself in the employee bathroom for about half an hour), I finally went to my doctor and, after suspecting that my anxiety was just a symptom of something bigger, sent me a referral to a psychiatrist. I was tested and, sure enough, was found positive for Asperger's Syndrome.
This has put a good many things in perspective. For one thing, It's pretty clear to me now that my experiences in the work force (and my spotty work history) can be in many ways traced to my difficulty dealing with the general public, combined with the extreme anxiety that results from it. I give a good interview, but once I'm thrown into the thick of it I completely fall apart.
I've also come to realize that this is probably why I'm still single...but that's a whole other conversation.
Honestly, I think in some way I'm still trying to process all of this. On the one hand it's somewhat of a relief to finally realize that no, I'm NOT crazy. But on the other hand I still have to make sure I don't ever try to use this as a crutch.
I was always a bit odd as a child. I was very quiet, withdrawn, and really hated loud noises (more on that later). I had an extremely active imagination that I would retreat into when I was nervous or simply bored, which could be off putting to some people because it looked like I was talking to myself. I had odd ticks like pulling on and twisting my ears ( I still do this on occasion). I didn't really develop any real 'friends' until I was a teenager. Oh, I had playmates, but no real friends.
Oh, and that loud noises thing? That lasted well into my teen years. I would rock back and forth and rub over my ears, in hopes that the rubbing sounds would drown out the noise. This looked REALLY odd to anyone who would see it.
I wasn't necessarily anti-social or anything. I just preferred solitude over being in a group. Groups made me nervous and anxious.
That anxiety was another problem. I would be anxious and even afraid of potential events or school assignments that may not even have actually come to pass. Just the mere possibility seemed to spook me. These would later lead to various anxiety-related illnesses like IBS, Acid Reflux Disease, etc.
So, with what I've just told you, you're probably not going to be surprised with the fact that I was recently tested for Asperger's Syndrome by my doctor(s) and came back with positive results.
Things is, my folks and family have always suspected this. My Grandmother's sister is a retired school teacher and school principal who had experience with these things, and had brought up her suspicions to my Grandmother and Mother a few times. They never tested me for this back when I was a little kid (sure would have saved me a great deal of trouble, believe me).
But after a recent panic attack I had at work (one that resulted in me locking myself in the employee bathroom for about half an hour), I finally went to my doctor and, after suspecting that my anxiety was just a symptom of something bigger, sent me a referral to a psychiatrist. I was tested and, sure enough, was found positive for Asperger's Syndrome.
This has put a good many things in perspective. For one thing, It's pretty clear to me now that my experiences in the work force (and my spotty work history) can be in many ways traced to my difficulty dealing with the general public, combined with the extreme anxiety that results from it. I give a good interview, but once I'm thrown into the thick of it I completely fall apart.
I've also come to realize that this is probably why I'm still single...but that's a whole other conversation.
Honestly, I think in some way I'm still trying to process all of this. On the one hand it's somewhat of a relief to finally realize that no, I'm NOT crazy. But on the other hand I still have to make sure I don't ever try to use this as a crutch.