Socialist Jokes Thread

[Guardia Rossa]

This thread is for all kind of socialist jokes, all kind of jokes should be allowed.
Anti-capitalist, factionalist (Like, Marxist vs anarchist, left-communist vs reformist), all allowed.

I'll start with a Zizek anti-Stalinist joke:


IN THE MID-1930S, a debate is raging in the Politburo of the Bolshevik : will there be money in
communism or not? The Leftist Trotskytes claim there will be no money since money is only needed
in societies with private ownership, while the Rightist partisans of Bukharin claim that of course
there will be money in communism since every complex society needs money to regulate the exchange
or products. When, finally, Comrade Stalin intervenes, he rejects both the Leftist and the Rightist
deviations, claiming that the truth is a higher dialectical synthesis of the opposites. When other
Politburo members ask him how this synthesis will look, Stalin calmly answers: “There will be
money and there will not be money. Some will have money and others will not have it.”

[Brandon's Impotent Rage]

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, Gorbachev and Yeltsin are all on a private train car on a train headed to Moscow. Suddenly, the train screeches to a halt. The men are perplexed at what has happened. Has the train been damaged? Are they out of fuel? Are the tracks inaccessible?

Lenin stands up and says: "Comrades, we have encountered a problem. Let us declare a day of volunteer work so that the workers can solve the problem."

Stalin then stands up, his face red with anger. "This is an outrage! Someone shoot the driver!"

Khrushchev, who has been eating a bowl of hominy, sets his bowl aside and says: "No, no comrades. Let's re-educate the driver!"

Brezhnev, his numerous medals clinking together, says: "No comrades. We should close the curtains, turn on the record player, and pretend we're moving!"

Gorbachev, sighing deeply, stands up and says: "Comrades, maybe we should all get out...and push."

And then Yeltsin.....well, Yeltsin inhales a bottle of vodka, hijacks the train, and drives it over a cliff.



.....This is one variant of a rather common joke in the former Soviet bloc.

[Guardia Rossa]

Two anarchists are sitting behind a dumpster making a molotov cocktail. The one says to the other, "Where shall we toss this?" The other responds, "What are you some kind of fucking intellectual?"

I admit it, took it from reddit.

[Guardia Rossa]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYQo6LI3Y7c

KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK KKKKKKKKK

This guy is fucking hilarious :grin: :laugh: :grin: :laugh: :grin: :laugh: :grin: :laugh:

[Luís Henrique]

Oh, ok. All those were excessively funny. Let's go for an appropriately unfunny joke.

A Trotskyist, a Bukharinist, an anarchist, and a Stalinist walk into a bar...

Luís Henrique

[Sewer Socialist]

This is more of a pun than a joke, but Sublimated Sublation would be a good name for a Hegelian screenprinter.

[Guardia Rossa]

Well, I don't get it. Shame on me

Edit: After 8 hours of sleep, I think I got it.

[John Nada]

What's the anarchist strategy for revolution?

The broken window theory.

Why are Trotskyists bad actresses/actors?

Stage fright.

[Guardia Rossa]

Why didn't Proudhon like tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

[motion denied]

shoulda been proudhon right

[Blake's Baby]

Why did KGB men travel in 3s?

One to ask questions, one to write down the answers, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.




Old Jewish man sits on a bench in Gorky Park reading a Hebrew dictionary. Three KGB men approach.

'Hey! Old Jew! Why are you reading that Hebrew book?'

'So when I go to Heaven, I understand the speech of the Lord's Chosen'.

'But what if you go to hell, old man?'

The old man sighs. 'Russian, I understand already.'

[Abdullah Tshabal]

"In Capitalist America, banks rob You!"

[Brandon's Impotent Rage]

A Trotskyist, a Bukharinist, an anarchist, and a Stalinist walk into a bar...

.....There were no survivors. :(

[Luís Henrique]

.....There were no survivors. :(

But the Stalinist was the only one to die of alcoholic intoxication.

Luís Henrique

[Sentinel]

I remember only one, which my father used to tell. In our family we have a long tradition, going back several generations, of repeating the same jokes over and over while laughing the loudest ourselves. So in this spirit I will tell it despite having before in a similar thread. At least it was a while ago since the last time.

Kennedy is visiting Moscow and is given a tour by Kruschev. Kennedy remarks, '"how come there are som many drunken people on the streets, here in the so called 'workers paradise'?".

Kruschev is like, "eh, that's how it is everywhere, I bet if I came to the US I could point out the same phenomenon. It is probably even much worse due to the alienation caused by capitalist exploitation". Kennedy retorts, "you know what Nikita, I invite you to visit me in Washington. The first drunk that you see walking the streets there, you may shoot right away".

Kruschev accordingly comes to Washington. He isn't even properly out the diplomatic quarter before he sees a shitfaced drunk man staggering on the street, so he picks up his revolver and shoots him dead.

The next day newspapers announce: 'Baldheaded Gangster Shot The Soviet Ambassador'.

[Guardia Rossa]

"Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out."

"Marx, Lenin, MORENO!"
"Trotsky, sir!"
"TROTSKY!"

[Lord Testicles]

I can't think of any living socialist that isn't a joke.

[Ele'ill]

:grin:

[Guardia Rossa]

Q: How many modern anarchists do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: Getting on the shoulders of each other is authoritarian. The lighbulb remains burnt out.

Q: How many post-moderns do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: Are you fucking crazy? You shan't enforce your concept of a lightbulb on it, if it chooses to remain burnt out you must respect it!

Q: How many stalinists do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: Change? They will paint it red, make long discourses on how shiny is it's light until some decades later one of them gets bored and smashes it.

Q: How many bordigists do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: There is no difference between a burnt out and a working lightbulb.

Q: How many bakuninists do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: Any amount will do, the hard part is to find a lightbulb-changer, so they respect his authority.

Q: How many trotskists do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: You would need all Forth Internationals together, so forget it.

Q: How many primitivist anarchists do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: Let's make a fire instead.

[motion denied]

Q: How many stalinists do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: Change? They will paint it red, make long discourses on how shiny is it's light until some decades later one of them gets bored and smashes it.

kek

[Guardia Rossa]

Q: How many ultraleftists do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: The proletariat will somehow gain consciousness and decide to change the lightbulb.

[Blake's Baby]

How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?

We will never know, no Trotskyists have ever managed it. But in the meantime, we must critically support the Stalinist lightbulb.