Changes in my gender identity

[Lod3r]

TLDR: Not sure whether gender queer. Girlfriend of 2.5 years has asked for a break until I give her a more definite answer on my identity. Not sure where I fit.

Hi guys!

First time post here so hopefully I don't stuff this up. My friend referred me here because recently I've began to question my gender identity. I'm a 20 year old straight mate and I've been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for the last two and a half years. I've always been fairly feminine, my voice and body language projecting both masculinity and femininity. Recently my SO has found my random changes into a more feminine male uncomfortable. Recently I applied some of her make up just to try it and have a laugh because I'm fascinated by dressing in drag. This made her uncomfortable and confused. This and other parts of my history have lead me to begin asking whether or not I'm gender queer as I've always felt my gender doesn't fit within the social norms. I know for certain though that I am a heterosexual male and am not interested in any body altering surgery. I have spoken to her about it and we are currently on a break until Friday as she wants to not only think about if she can be with me while I'm questioning my gender but also if I'm gender queer. I am leaning towards being gender queer as it feels natural but I'm worried I'm not correctly guiding myself and I don't want to lose her. Its quite a worry but I'm keeping quite a calm and thoughtful mind as I continue my research. I just wondered if there was anyone who could give me an insight into this transitions.

Thanks.

[Quail]

I think this might fit better in mutual aid or non political but I'll leave it here for now until I can get to my laptop to move it.

[Lod3r]

Sorry about that. Thank you.

[Armchair Partisan]

If it comes down to an either/or choice between you being able to express your gender identity and continuing the relationship, I'd say go for the former. If you want to live with someone for decades, the two of you had damn well better be compatible in such basic issues, or you're just gonna be in for a lot of misery. At the very least, that is what my emotionally detached logic is telling me to say.

Being interested in crossdressing doesn't necessarily mean that you're genderqueer, but it's a strong likelihood anyway. Personally, what I know is that I don't appear to have gender dysphoria, and that I've tried crossdressing too before and liked it (probably gonna do it more at some point once I live alone and such). I've asked myself before whether I should go with 'male' or 'genderqueer' as a label, and came to a conclusion that the latter is probably closer to the truth, but it doesn't really matter. It's not the label that matters, and you shouldn't try to box yourself into one or another at the expense of something you enjoy doing.

With that in mind, what your GF is doing seems dodgy to me. Is she really interested in what you label yourself as? Does she really just want to pressure you into forsaking your feminine side? If you've really had a feminine streak before as well, what exactly is she so upset and confused about now? Either way, more communication with her wouldn't hurt, but don't make the mistake of making concessions to keep up a shaky relationship. There are minor annoyances in a relationship that one might have to compromise about, but denying a part of yourself could have effects on your mental well-being down the road, so... don't. Just tell her what she'll have to put up with, and then it's up to her to decide if she wants to continue.

[Quail]

Moved to Mutual Aid & DIY.

I think Armchair Partisan's advice is good. Try not to worry too much about how to label yourself, but when you next talk to your girlfriend try to have an idea of what you need with respect to being able to present as feminine. If she can't deal with letting you do what you need to do, then that's her loss. It might be tempting to repress how you feel for the time being to stay with her, but I don't think that hiding part of yourself from your partner is the foundation of a good or healthy relationship.

[The Lizard]

It might be best to see a sex psychologist or therapist about this one since sexuality is a highly complex issue. They are good at helping you to figure out the answer to this question.

[Rudolf]

Your partner's harsh. Also, i wouldn't have expected someone to get referred to revleft because they're questioning their gender identity.



A gender therapist could be useful as they'd help you explore. Might be tricky to find one though. Btw, surgery is irrelevant. It's just one way to reduce any incongruency. There are many trans men and women that don't want surgery.


You should explore how you feel and think about things. I suggest presenting yourself more femininely and see how you feel. You could try getting your friend to use different pronouns as well.

There's a few things to think about. I'm not GQ or NB so your milage may vary.

You say you're certain youre male. Ignoring what you were assigned at birth, ignoring your primary and secondary sex characteristics, ignoring gender roles, pronouns and how people treat you based on your gender or how you express it, is that how you feel?
How do you feel about being considered and treated as a man?
How do you feel about the gender roles you're expected to perform?
How do you feel about your primary and secondary sex characteristics?






It might be best to see a sex psychologist or therapist about this one since sexuality is a highly complex issue. They are good at helping you to figure out the answer to this question.

Regarding someone's gender identity as some sort of sexual thing hurts.

[RedWorker]

Why worry? Just be who you want to be. If your girlfriend can't accept you for what you are, then perhaps it's not worth it to have her as your girlfriend anyway. Why are you expected to go into huge planning into deciding what your 'gender identity' is? You just are who you want to be. This can't be planned; you are a human being, not a computer program. You don't have to fit into a damn label. Everyone who stands against your basic right and freedom to be whoever you want to be should be thrown out of the way. If your girlfriend needs to "think it out about you" because you've applied her makeup for a day then away with her.

Of course, I realize the situation is more complicated than this... anyway, good luck whatever you do, be whoever you want to be and not what people want you to be, you will never be happy with the latter. Any change you make should be really coming from you and not from fear or anxiety.

More seriously, talk it out with her, find out whether she's just confused/scared or whether she is actually an intolerant person.

BTW, every other heterosexual male has fantasized about putting on women's clothes and make up at some point in his life. It's nothing uncommon. People should stop being sorted out in 'genders' because people are people and everyone has a mix of what is commonly perceived as 'manly' and 'womanly'.