Pour Your Heart Out XXIV

[Sentinel]

Restarting a few of the stickies as they had passed the 500 posts mark or were close. Please continue any discussions in the new threads.

[BIXX]

I just had the worst day at my work I've ever had.

Also first.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I met a really cool chick last night. One of my best friends in this area invited me over to his house, said his sister wanted to meet me before she moved across the country this morning. We drank lots of alcohol and ended up hooking up. She was a real nice person (cute too), it's too bad I'll probably never see her again. Oh well!

The whole aspect that it was my good friend's sister made it kind of weird but whatever.

[Ele'ill]

quite a stretch off from work where instead of stressing about external stuff like bills/rent and then paying them at the last minute, I focused entirely on myself and made sure that the only things I did were lift heavy weights, eat, and sleep, and watch movies, play through the last of us on ps3 again/gta 4. So basically nothing got done at all but I reached my personal goal regarding lifting which was body weight of 180lbs which turned into 185lbs recently. Now I can switch up my routine etc.. this isn't even the fitness thread sorry

[BIXX]

quite a stretch off from work where instead of stressing about external stuff like bills/rent and then paying them at the last minute, I focused entirely on myself and made sure that the only things I did were lift heavy weights, eat, and sleep, and watch movies, play through the last of us on ps3 again/gta 4. So basically nothing got done at all but I reached my personal goal regarding lifting which was body weight of 180lbs which turned into 185lbs recently. Now I can switch up my routine etc.. this isn't even the fitness thread sorry
At my best ever I was able to lift 180... No longer, to say the least.

[VCrakeV]

At my best ever I was able to lift 180... No longer, to say the least.

I weigh half of that! I'm comfortable with my skinniness though. ^_^

[The Intransigent Faction]

No amount of pedestals, trophies, statues or other idolatrous symbols will change that the 'best' and 'worst' among us are all clumps of matter placed by a freak cosmological accident among other similar clumps of matter and shaped beyond any illusion of 'control' through interactions with them. It's an oddly comforting truth once you recognize it.

Also, I think I'm going through another "Nobody understands me" phase...someone shake me until I'm out of it.

[consuming negativity]

>intellectualizing like fuck
>nobody understands me
>post edited 20 minutes later, probably to fix something that wasn't even wrong

brad you're wonderful

---

came into this thread to post that i'm worried that my rationalizations are excuses and that the embarrassment of the person that i've been holds me back a lot from trying to move on. not just in my mind, but in actuality; in real, physical ways, that serve as even more barriers to being a normal human. i mean honestly there's really nothing wrong with me i don't think but at the same time i know that that can't be true given the places that i've been, again, both physically and mentally. i think i have a lot of valid reasons to have turned into and to continue being whatever it is that i am, but what if that's all in my head just like everything else?

i don't really understand anything and in a lot of ways i think i deserve myself and my situation. in my mind, i know that that's not true, but i guess i've either internalized a lot of ignorant, reactionary beliefs, or that i hold myself to too high of a standard, or maybe i just actually am sort of a fucking loser who just needs to get his shit together in the worst possible way.

how can i even figure it out? everything seems so strange. i feel like i woke up in september from a multiple-year-long nightmare and i just sit here asking myself where my life went. if someone were to ask, what would i even say? i still haven't figured that out yet, and until i do, it's just going to be a subject i try to avoid.

[Palmares]

play through the last of us on ps3 again/gta 4.

You'll have to play GTA5 online with me and bcbm somtime :)

[Sewer Socialist]

Where to start. I went home for the holidays, not because I'm religious but to see my family all assembled. Turns out my gramdma died and no one told me. I guess my sister tried to text me, but I never got it. No one really seemed to care. She was the last of her siblings, all 9 of them, my mom is a bit nutty and had been avoiding her. I think she probably died alone in the hospital, and no one bothered to talk about her afterwards. I got intensely depressed and went off in a corner to sob uncontrollably about the whole thing. Would anyone bother to see me on my death bed or even text each other when I died?

I made her (and my uncle she's buried next to) a nice juniper wreath and laid it on her grave. It was clear of any flowers or anything at all, even though she was only buried 3 months ago. Was anyone at her funeral? How terrible.

I felt much better after bringing them a wreath.

Also, my sister is a terrible right-winger who actually vocally supports segregation, is intensely upset that the North Koreans took her Hollywood movie away, demanded to know the "biological sex" of the person my other sister was dating... I don't want to go back again.

[Sewer Socialist]

quite a stretch off from work where instead of stressing about external stuff like bills/rent and then paying them at the last minute, I focused entirely on myself and made sure that the only things I did were lift heavy weights, eat, and sleep, and watch movies, play through the last of us on ps3 again/gta 4. So basically nothing got done at all but I reached my personal goal regarding lifting which was body weight of 180lbs which turned into 185lbs recently. Now I can switch up my routine etc.. this isn't even the fitness thread sorry

Post in the fitness thread! I feel silly when it's just me.

What kinda lifting did you crack 185 in?

[cyu]

I made her (and my uncle she's buried next to) a nice juniper wreath and laid it on her grave.

I got intensely depressed and went off in a corner to sob uncontrollably about the whole thing. Would anyone bother to see me on my death bed or even text each other when I died?



Yes. As long as there are more people like you in the world, then the answer is yes.

[human strike]

She was a real nice person (cute too), it's too bad I'll probably never see her again. Oh well!

Sometimes that's the best way for these things to go down. You can only enjoy it for what it was. :)

[The Feral Underclass]

I met a really cool chick last night. One of my best friends in this area invited me over to his house, said his sister wanted to meet me before she moved across the country this morning. We drank lots of alcohol and ended up hooking up. She was a real nice person (cute too), it's too bad I'll probably never see her again. Oh well!

The whole aspect that it was my good friend's sister made it kind of weird but whatever.

As if you just referred to a woman as a baby bird...What is wrong with you?

[motion denied]

Was playing football (apparently I'm an 'adult', so I tried to play it cool) with my friend's nephews (they're 7 and 9) and one of them kicked me hard. My ankle looks like a tennis ball now.

Damn kids, I hope they didn't get anything for Christmas. :sneaky:

[motion denied]

and now I cut my lip with a razor

this is the best day ever jesus

[Loony Le Fist]

I'm so fucking sad right now. I want to blast myself. I love everyone on this board tho. :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[Loony Le Fist]

I figure if I just keep drinking, I won't be able to kill myself.

[Loony Le Fist]

I'm still here. :laugh::laugh:

I was right. LOL.

[consuming negativity]

you okay man? :confused:

[Loony Le Fist]

you okay man? :confused:

I've never been okay. But I have learned how to get through. :laugh:

Thanks for caring. I really do appreciate it.

[Quail]

My anxiety is so bad at the moment I feel like all my time is spent trying to alleviate it. So exhausting. I'm planning 4 weeks alcohol-free starting tomorrow, which I hope will make me feel better. I've been drinking pretty much every day for most of December and I'm sure it's been messing with my head. I'm going to try to exercise 5 days a week and eat more healthily. Might get some supplements or something too. I just really need this to improve because if it gets worse I'm not really sure how I can carry on functioning and surviving.

[Leftsolidarity]

Rage. Rape culture is disgusting enough when you hear about it but when it hits your friends and leaves them feeling helpless it's enough to make you want to tear shit up.

[Futility Personified]

It's such an odd feeling, living life in such a future orientated way. What I want is immaterial but very clearly defined, but what to do whilst I wait til I have enough money saved?

It's hilarious how i've managed to bore myself back into working again. I could do with a partner just because it's a nice thing to have but it just isn't going to happen around these parts.

And so we press play once again and wait aeons before anything happens. In a way, it's the reverse of a ketamine binge. I have come through feeling bizarre and strange, now I just feel numb but I know after the right amount of money is in my account and I can fuck off i'll have that wholesome feeling of being reborn with potential practically jizzing out of my happy little face.

Doesn't really sound like the opposite of a ket trip to be fair, just sounds like a ket trip. But the point still stands. (Not on drugs or anything at this point either, just been ill all week and now i'm awake trying to find something quiet and innocuous to do)

[The Intransigent Faction]

Sometimes the biggest consolation is the ability to throw one's hands up in the air and say "Fuck it, you can't solve everything in one night!". That can be true even if that night turns into a week, and so on.

Also, you'd think someone with OCD who's done therapy would be best equipped of all to ignore unwanted feelings, but nope!

The best thing I can say is that in terms of my attitude towards 2015, I'm willing to reserve judgment. I am already expecting some good things.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

mental health fuckery has been very bad at the moment ands my family are typically shit about it so i've spent the last week lodging at my best friend's mum's house, luckily I can earn my keep there for the time being by doing stuff she can't do any more (she broke her back a few years ago and has a lot of mobility/chronic pain issues, least i can do is keep the house in order for her.)

related minor OH SHIT ANXIETY moments also because my best friend has had mental health issues recently and was also (momentarily) worried that she might also be pregnant (thankfully it was just her body fucking with her just in case she wasnt already riddled with anxiety about her future) and frankly her boyfriend isnt in the best place either with the mad stress from his PGCE so we basically spent the last two weeks being A: mental at each other and B: trying to help each other be less mental. Through all this my mum has been about as supportive as a house of cards made of wet, flaming weetabix when shes not been actively nasty to me so yeah

the festive season has been a hell of a ride.

[Quail]

I was drunk last night because this sobriety thing is going so well. I hope I didn't make any foolish posts.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I think I'm having a manic episode. Stupid brain.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

brains are rubbish honestly

[Rugged Collectivist]

My main problem at the moment is my ADHD. As usual, my focus and reading comprehension is utter shit and it's severely hindering my ability to learn new things. I'm utterly convinced this is the reason I flunked out of college and I feel like it's preventing me from living a meaningful life or growing as a person. It feels like there's a haze in my mind. Compared to this, my anxiety and depression is nothing. I actually believe those symptoms stem from the ADHD.

I can't take stimulants because I lost my health insurance and am too fat. I've read that nicotine can sometimes improve focus. I'm seriously considering just buying nicotine patches and seeing what happens. Probably a bad idea, as nicotine withdrawal can actually worsen these symptoms, and I may become dependent, but I'm so desperate that that hardly matters to me.

[Redistribute the Rep]

My main problem at the moment is my ADHD. As usual, my focus and reading comprehension is utter shit and it's severely hindering my ability to learn new things. I'm utterly convinced this is the reason I flunked out of college and I feel like it's preventing me from living a meaningful life or growing as a person. It feels like there's a haze in my mind. Compared to this, my anxiety and depression is nothing. I actually believe those symptoms stem from the ADHD.

I can't take stimulants because I lost my health insurance and am too fat. I've read that nicotine can sometimes improve focus. I'm seriously considering just buying nicotine patches and seeing what happens. Probably a bad idea, as nicotine withdrawal can actually worsen these symptoms, and I may become dependent, but I'm so desperate that that hardly matters to me.

Exactly how I feel, it's like the last couple years of my life have been wasted, sometimes I can't even read a couple paragraphs of text because I'm so unfocused. But why does you being fat get in the way? Doesn't Adderall make people lose their appetite, which would help with the fat? Of course without health insurance idk how easy it would be to obtain but I don't see why fatness is an issue

[Rugged Collectivist]

Exactly how I feel, it's like the last couple years of my life have been wasted, sometimes I can't even read a couple paragraphs of text because I'm so unfocused. But why does you being fat get in the way? Doesn't Adderall make people lose their appetite, which would help with the fat? Of course without health insurance idk how easy it would be to obtain but I don't see why fatness is an issue

It isn't directly about being fat, it's about my high blood pressure, which I believe is caused by my excess weight.

There may have been other factors, though. The doctor had me on blood pressure medication, which worked, but he still wouldn't prescribe me Concerta, which is the only medication proven to alleviate my ADHD. He offered Straterra as an alternative, but I've tried that and it didn't help.

For some reason, doctors are always trying to treat my depression. I tell them it's not a big deal compared to the ADHD but they won't listen.

[Redistribute the Rep]

It isn't directly about being fat, it's about my high blood pressure, which I believe is caused by my excess weight.

There may have been other factors, though. The doctor had me on blood pressure medication, which worked, but he still wouldn't prescribe me Concerta, which is the only medication proven to alleviate my ADHD. He offered Straterra as an alternative, but I've tried that and it didn't help.

For some reason, doctors are always trying to treat my depression. I tell them it's not a big deal compared to the ADHD but they won't listen.

Odd, it seems adhd medication is relatively easy to get and overperscribed, at least from what I've heard. I asked my mom for adderal before I turned 18 but she said no, but now I guess I'm old enough to get it myself, I don't know the protocol for asking though (yes, I'm so asocial I need a protocol even for these things)

[Lily Briscoe]

Odd, it seems adhd medication is relatively easy to get and overperscribed, at least from what I've heard. I asked my mom for adderal before I turned 18 but she said no, but now I guess I'm old enough to get it myself, I don't know the protocol for asking though (yes, I'm so asocial I need a protocol even for these things)

Don't go in asking for adderall.... Just say you can't focus on anything, it's effecting your performance at work/school, and you've always been that way. I've never had any problem at all getting it (on the contrary, doctors have been pushing it in my face my whole life), but you have to get an actual ADHD diagnosis before they'll prescribe you stimulants and I was diagnosed as a kid, so IDK if it's gotten more stringent over the years.

You should think about whether it's something you really wanna do first though. I think I remember you saying you did well in school, so if your 'inattentiveness' isn't actually causing you to fuck up in any meaningful way, then what's really the point of medication? Personally I wish I had never gone on stimulants, that it prevented me from developing a bunch of coping skills that I would have had to otherwise, and that I'm pretty much gonna be struggling with on-again off-again amphetamine dependence for the rest of my life because of it. Not that it's like that for everyone, but that's definitely been my experience.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I'm still not even all that sure what ADHD is, exactly. I know a lot of people who supposedly have ADHD & are prescribed drugs for it, and they don't really seem all that different from me as far as their mannerisms are concerned. (And it's not because of the drugs, because a lot of them don't even take the drugs that they're prescribed.)

The family of drugs they prescribe for ADHD can also be pretty effective at treating depression, too (when one takes therapeutic doses). Tolerance goes up fast though

[Lily Briscoe]

I'm pretty skeptical about the entire concept of ADHD as a disorder, but I think the simplest way of looking at it is like, it's basically traits that everyone has to some extent (e.g. Inattentiveness, hyperactivity/restlessness, impulsivity, etc.), but it becomes 'medically significant' or whatever when you have these traits on a level where it interferes with your ability to function (holding down a job, not flunking out of school, not fucking up your relationships etc).

Honestly I think it's only really a 'disorder' because we live in a society where people are expected to be high-functioning and happy doing the same tedious, boring, soul-destroying bullshit over and over everyday, though.

[Redistribute the Rep]

Don't go in asking for adderall.... Just say you can't focus on anything, it's effecting your performance at work/school, and you've always been that way. I've never had any problem at all getting it (on the contrary, doctors have been pushing it in my face my whole life), but you have to get an actual ADHD diagnosis before they'll prescribe you stimulants and I was diagnosed as a kid, so IDK if it's gotten more stringent over the years.

You should think about whether it's something you really wanna do first though. I think I remember you saying you did well in school, so if your 'inattentiveness' isn't actually causing you to fuck up in any meaningful way, then what's really the point of medication? Personally I wish I had never gone on stimulants, that it prevented me from developing a bunch of coping skills that I would have had to otherwise, and that I'm pretty much gonna be struggling with on-again off-again amphetamine dependence for the rest of my life because of it. Not that it's like that for everyone, but that's definitely been my experience.

I've heard a couple people say they just went in and asked for it. Well, my grades are near perfect so idk if bringing that up helps. I'm able to do well without really paying attention in class or studying much, although a lot of it is due to my teachers being really lenient about due dates this year. I almost never turn in my homework on time... But yea like I said I feel a lot what like Rugged Collectivist described, I pull all nighters a lot for things that really shouldn't even take that long due to procrastination and lack of focus. I just lie in bed all day and can never focus long enough to do things that there isn't an immediate need for, like I've been meaning to write a novel, do paintings, research etc. for years. I feel like I won't ever be able to accomplish any of these things, the last 5 years have just been going to school and lying in bed for me, like a waste

Well anyway, how long does this whole process of getting diagnosed and obtaining a prescription take? And, I hope this isn't a dumb question but, where exactly do I go for this?

Eta: it seems I'm able to focus when under a time crunch, like on a test, although lately it's been affecting even that I feel, sometimes I just space out during a test and find it difficult to consistently focus. Grades have gotten only slightly worse this past semester, but still I'm one of the top of the class. Two of my teachers, who don't deduct points for late homework, have noticed that I'm the only one who almost never turns it in on time and expressed concern, which was embarassing

[Lily Briscoe]

Iirc I saw some kind of nurse practitioner at just a regular clinic. It took me one appointment that lasted a couple hours. This was probably seventeen years ago, though. I think you might be able to just schedule an appointment with your regular doctor and they can diagnose you, but if not, they can at least refer you to someone who can.

[Redistribute the Rep]

Hmm, it just seems like it will be hard to do without my mom noticing, she doesn't want me to because she thinks adhd is just being hyperactive which I'm not, and has always been dismissive of my concerns about depression and stuff in general. I'm old enough to get it myself but still live with her and am on her insurance

[Os Cangaceiros]

The DEA is up everyone's ass with a microscope in the past decade or so, but I think that's mostly with opiates...as far as I know the prescribing practices for amphetamine/stimulant drugs are still pretty liberal. Still a highly controlled substance, though, pretty much goes without saying that you can't just go in and "ask for it".

[Lily Briscoe]

Eta: it seems I'm able to focus when under a time crunch, like on a test,

Yeah I'm kind of similar; I need an adrenaline rush to focus/function normally, so I create all sorts of stupid crises for myself. I actually think this is why I'm chronically late, too; I can't get going until I'm racing against the clock. Fortunately (in some ways, anyway), I have a job at the moment that has kind of a built-in adrenaline factor, but even that's starting to be not really 'enough', and I still hate it anyway.

[Redistribute the Rep]

I've never gone to the doctors without my parents so I feel this will be awkward, but maybe I just should make a separate thread at this point for this

[BITW434]

Had a mental breakdown in my mock exam today. This is not the first time it's happened, and I fear it will happen again in the real thing. :(
I feel like it would be much better if I didn't have ridiculous time constraints placed upon me. It's so hard to write clearly and concisely when you're in a rush, and I just mentally disintegrate when put in that situation ughhh

[Quail]

Had a mental breakdown in my mock exam today. This is not the first time it's happened, and I fear it will happen again in the real thing. :(
I feel like it would be much better if I didn't have ridiculous time constraints placed upon me. It's so hard to write clearly and concisely when you're in a rush, and I just mentally disintegrate when put in that situation ughhh

Have you spoken to teachers about it? (Assuming it's for school.) It might be the case that they could make special arrangements for you to do it in a room on your own or something.

I had to leave an exam for uni once because I'd had a shit morning where my son's dad fucked off and refused to look after him while I sat my exam, so I had to mess about and take him to nursery which nearly made me late, and I just got anxious and felt too ill to sit the paper. I filled out some forms and then got to sit the exam again. I'm guessing if you have an anxiety attack or whatever kind of breakdown in your exam, you will get the chance to retake it and you won't be penalised. Might be worth asking about. I find quite often I get anxious about the possibility of getting anxious, so perhaps if you know that the consequences won't be disastrous, you'll be less likely to mess up the exam?

[Rugged Collectivist]

Don't go in asking for adderall.... Just say you can't focus on anything


pretty much goes without saying that you can't just go in and "ask for it".

Ah ha! That must have been my problem then because I basically just schedule an appointment with my General Practitioner and was all like "My ADD is acting up, I think I should go back on Concerta". I don't see why that should matter though. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was a child and I have a fairly well documented history of having it.

Maybe I was a bit too forceful about it, but I've spent the last couple years fucking around with anti-depressants so my patience was worn pretty thin by this point.

[Lily Briscoe]

^Yeah, I wouldn't think saying that would be an issue if you already have a diagnosis, sounds like you need to go doctor shopping.

[BITW434]

Have you spoken to teachers about it? (Assuming it's for school.) It might be the case that they could make special arrangements for you to do it in a room on your own or something.

I had to leave an exam for uni once because I'd had a shit morning where my son's dad fucked off and refused to look after him while I sat my exam, so I had to mess about and take him to nursery which nearly made me late, and I just got anxious and felt too ill to sit the paper. I filled out some forms and then got to sit the exam again. I'm guessing if you have an anxiety attack or whatever kind of breakdown in your exam, you will get the chance to retake it and you won't be penalised. Might be worth asking about. I find quite often I get anxious about the possibility of getting anxious, so perhaps if you know that the consequences won't be disastrous, you'll be less likely to mess up the exam?
Cheers for the response, it's much appreciated. Upon your advice, I dropped my teacher an email about it, fingers crossed he won't be too disappointed by me fvcking up my mock.
From what I've found out, you can get put in another room on your own and perhaps some additional time too, but you have to do some means test first, and I have no idea what that test would involve me doing. If I qualify for it I feel that it would be very beneficial to me. Once again, thanks for your help.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

as of tomorrow im on fluoxetine instead of citalopram, stay tuned for more side effects probably. At least i'm a more motivated sort of near-suicidally miserable and horribly anxious now which makes it almost worth the panic attacks and face-down crying on the floor. admittedly sporadically reading a book, half-heartedly pursuing therapy and ESA forms and doodling my mental overflows in a notepad is hardly 'motivated' but it beats doing nothing at all but watching the x files until 5 am every day

[cyu]

Honestly I think it's only really a 'disorder' because we live in a society where people are expected to be high-functioning and happy doing the same tedious, boring, soul-destroying bullshit over and over everyday, though.

Year 1: Declare that would-be rebels suffer from oppositional defiant disorder.

Year 2: Declare that those suffering from oppression suffer from chemically imbalanced depression.

Year 3: Declare that only happy slaves are sane.

[consuming negativity]

but it beats doing nothing at all but watching the x files until 5 am every day

Are you familiar with an agent named Fox Mulder?

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

by my calculations ive spent 80ish hours of my life watching the x files so i'd be surprised if I didn't :P

[The Disillusionist]

as of tomorrow im on fluoxetine instead of citalopram, stay tuned for more side effects probably. At least i'm a more motivated sort of near-suicidally miserable and horribly anxious now which makes it almost worth the panic attacks and face-down crying on the floor. admittedly sporadically reading a book, half-heartedly pursuing therapy and ESA forms and doodling my mental overflows in a notepad is hardly 'motivated' but it beats doing nothing at all but watching the x files until 5 am every day

HA. Yeah, "side effects". I remember that phrase from back when I tried to go on meds for mild depression and anxiety. They said "you might experience some side effects". What they should have said was, "You are about to go through 24 hours of terrifying, psyche-shattering, chemically-induced hallucinatory waking-nightmare psychosis, accompanied by uncontrollable shaking, nausea, and vertigo, and followed by a week of absolute, unsleeping insomnia, paranoia, bouts of uncontrollable rage, and a complete inability to orgasm."

Seriously, worst experience of my life.

[Lily Briscoe]

Fluoxetine is the only antidepressant I've ever been on that has been mildly effective, and I didn't have any side effects at all, just to balance out that pretty bizarre horror story.

[consuming negativity]

i've heard good things about fluoxetine but i do not recommend antidepressants as an entire category of drugs. they do not do good things to you...

[VCrakeV]

I'm on venlafaxine, but I haven't had any major side effects. It must be a very mild drug. It doesn't make me happy, but it makes me want to do things that make me happy... or at least not depressed.

[human strike]

Slept all day. Haven't left the house in a few days. Haven't been to work in a week. I spontaneously bunked off a few days last week in order to visit a lady friend and I'm not functioning all that well whilst away from her. This isn't good. At this rate there is absolutely zero chance of me having my contract extended next month. Oh well, a nice relaxing spate of unemployment never did nobody no harm, right? Plus that way I can do nothing but sleep, have sex and smoke hash without feeling any guilt or stress!

I miss my ex. Less than I did a week ago when I was going a little bit mad because of it, which is good. But at the same time I'm almost disappointed, like I'd rather miss her, if that makes any sense?

There are other women on my mind too. My sex drive, neediness and separation anxiety (which makes it very difficult to do things like go into work) have gone into overdrive for some reason. I know what the triggers were, but I'm not entirely sure how to resolve it - or if I really have the conviction to. The fact I haven't heard back about counseling by now is a little disconcerting.

The prospect of another few days in bed (alone this time) doing fuck all is a pretty grim one... Even going to work would be better. But for some reason knowing that doesn't make it much easier. I really dislike getting stuck in these cycles - I felt so stressed trying to sleep last night. :(

I fell asleep when it was dark and woke when it was dark. Today the sun didn't shine for me.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

they moved my cbt session ahead like two weeks fuck youuuuuuu

[Os Cangaceiros]

I fell asleep when it was dark and woke when it was dark.

Welcome to my life.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I've been in a manic phase for 5-6 days now. I'm coming down from it a little, but the episodes seem to be lasting longer and are more intense.

[Futility Personified]

I've been off from work for the last 2 days because i've been heinously ill. Now, I get a phone call saying that the rate of work has declined, yet on the direct.gov jobsearch page I find a vacancy saying something almost exactly the same as the description of the job when I was offered it.

I hate being naturally suspicious and paranoid...

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

A few months ago I was interested in a position that had opened up at my company, but when I asked about it I was told that they had decided not to fill it at all. I was pretty irritated when I came across a posting for it on a job search website later that week.

The feeling was somewhat similar to when a friend tells you they are staying in for the night and then you encounter them out in public or something, like "what a dick"

[Futility Personified]

Yeah, it makes you doubt yourself, but what's worse, it does elevate a state of distrust in general.

I phoned them and they said it was a general vacancy designed to attract applicants, but i'm not so sure if I believe that. But what else can you do? Make the most of it and try and learn blues music in this exponential expansion of spare time. Oh yeah.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

Yeah that does seem odd, is it legal to advertise a position that doesn't really exist?

[Futility Personified]

Well, we had what should've been a huge scandal but instead nothing was done about it, where a large amount of the postings on the universal jobsmatch were actually fake. I have a feeling that it's just ignored the create the impression that employment statistics are better than they actually are.

When I was unemployed, there were a number of local postings for the same companies that never seemed to respond to applications, yet were constantly advertising. I assume that it must cost something to advertise on that website in some form, so why would anyone go to the length of maintaining fake prospects for that amount of time?

Illuminati!

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

Oh yeah that could be it. Look at all these positions that need to be filled is those layabouts would simply get off the couch. Time to cut off the parasites!

[cyu]

Hmm, a whole new way to look at U.S. job openings at highest level in 14 years (http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-job-openings-20150114-story.html)

[Futility Personified]

Last post in this thread for a good long while.

What's worse, someone making cripplingly idiotic statements repeatedly whilst maintaining they are something they decided to be for an aesthetic, or that same person touting and spouting reactionary horseshit for equally mysterious reasons. (or they just have no inner sense of self and are so easily led they should have a collar installed around their neck)

Or you then thinking that you just can't deal with people who decide to subscribe to those miserable thoughts that make our species worse with every day, but if you keep cutting people out of your life on that basis, you'll eventually have noone left and be so irritatingly holier than thou?

[Atsumari]

Fuuuuck, I am on edge at work right now. I fucked up on Sunday, enjoyed my two days off and fucked up today. I have never been this stressed in my life, I feel that my life would be over if I were to get fired :crying:

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

really think i'm losing this battle, I feel so awful. Isolation and complex, unwanted feelings aren't helping and i'm really questioning what i'm staying alive for. I spent last night making plans to down a pack of codeine phosphate with whisky and slash my wrists in the bath. i'm so tired of being sick and bored and lonely. The more I reflect on it the more I realise i'm staying alive out of love for someone else rather than any real desire to live. I hate living like this because after a while it becomes all you can talk and think about - I can't engage with anything else because it takes all my energy just to carry out the simple tasks of reproducing my existence day to day, hour to hour.

[cyu]

Stay alive not because you love one person. Stay alive because you love the working class.

Better for leftists to lose enemies than to lose friends. Granted that when you're on the side of the oppressed, it's much more likely that you'll lose friends, but it's not like we join the class war because we only want to be on the winning side. Otherwise we would've sold out long ago.

[Quail]

I haven't really done anything I was supposed to do today because I had a panic attack-filled morning, went to the doctor and picked up some valium and have felt too fried to do anything else. Fun times but at least the doctor was actually helpful and friendly.

[motion denied]

- Separated the right amount of money to pay for the bus (from some private company) to a city nearby
- Intended to go to a march against fare raises in public transportation
- Turns out the ticket is higher than it was
- can't go, couldn't afford the ticket

oh the ironing.

[The Intransigent Faction]

Last post in this thread for a good long while.

What's worse, someone making cripplingly idiotic statements repeatedly whilst maintaining they are something they decided to be for an aesthetic, or that same person touting and spouting reactionary horseshit for equally mysterious reasons. (or they just have no inner sense of self and are so easily led they should have a collar installed around their neck)

Or you then thinking that you just can't deal with people who decide to subscribe to those miserable thoughts that make our species worse with every day, but if you keep cutting people out of your life on that basis, you'll eventually have noone left and be so irritatingly holier than thou?

Yeah. That stuff I said before about talking to someone who makes me smile...seems to consistently give way to this.

[Rosa Partizan]

Today, I explained to my boyfriend why masculinity (the socialized one) is toxic and he understood it, came up with own examples and didn't respond with #notallmen. 10/10 marriage material (well, if I believed in marriage).

[Redistribute the Rep]

Today, I explained to my boyfriend why masculinity (the socialized one) is toxic and he understood it, came up with own examples and didn't respond with #notallmen. 10/10 marriage material (well, if I believed in marriage).

First you have to see how he reacts to daily mandatory Dworkin recitals

[Rosa Partizan]

First you have to see how he reacts to daily mandatory Dworkin recitals

that's an awesome idea. Will infiltrate his brain with so much radical feminism to the point he drowns in self-loathing. You should totally be my relationship counselor or so. Will pay with vegan meatballs and nail polish.

[Palmares]

After getting back from a brief trip to visit some friends a few hours, or so, away, the sting of isolation - and thus loneliness, has really kicked in. Even more than ever. I've been in literal hibernation due to my health problems. I miss my friends. I miss doing stuff with them. Gotta figure out moving closer eventually... just wish visiting friends was easier, but with my health stuff, crashing on someone's couch doesn't really cut it. And with all the povo (i.e. poor) friends I have, almost noone has a space room or similar.

Back to video games and the internet I guess...

[The Disillusionist]

Stay alive not because you love one person. Stay alive because you love the working class.

Better for leftists to lose enemies than to lose friends. Granted that when you're on the side of the oppressed, it's much more likely that you'll lose friends, but it's not like we join the class war because we only want to be on the winning side. Otherwise we would've sold out long ago.

I disagree with your first two sentences, I agree with the rest of your post.

I think you should stay alive because you love yourself. If you can do that, then you can love another person more wholeheartedly, and you can love humanity with more understanding. However, relying on the working class, or any other group of people for inspiration and a reason to live is a bad idea, because people will always let you down. Especially groups of people.

[Os Cangaceiros]

After getting back from a brief trip to visit some friends a few hours, or so, away, the sting of isolation - and thus loneliness, has really kicked in. Even more than ever. I've been in literal hibernation due to my health problems. I miss my friends. I miss doing stuff with them. Gotta figure out moving closer eventually... just wish visiting friends was easier, but with my health stuff, crashing on someone's couch doesn't really cut it. And with all the povo (i.e. poor) friends I have, almost noone has a space room or similar.

Back to video games and the internet I guess...

I hear you on health issues. I have autoimmune disease and that just involves a whole cascade of shit raining down on you for your entire life, and the best part is that modern medical science doesn't seem to know anything about it. Spasms, muscle cramps and blurred vision seems to be what's on the docket for me lately.

It honestly just makes me want to die. Anyone who's immune system hasn't mutinied against them, consider yourself lucky.

[Quail]

Mmm mild codeine withdrawal. Should have got my act together a bit because I really need painkillers for stomach cramps but probably shouldn't take them now.

[Palmares]

Turns out another friend (since my usual city crash space is occupied) has a space room I can crash in, so I'm off to the city tomorrow. Couple of days with my friends will make life a little less hard. Well, mostly, give or take all the (social) anxiety I have from my health.

[The Intransigent Faction]

Maybe I'm not as good at pushing people out of my life and/or forgetting them as I'd like to think some of my experiences have made me. Maybe I try to be as a sort of defense mechanism, but out of some emotional sadomasochistic impulse I can't bring myself to forget instead of wallowing in unresolved feelings. That or I just try too hard to forget.

I don't mean this to be overly negative. Something that ends abruptly on a sour note can still be a learning experience, but there's a difference between learning from the past and carrying its lessons with you, and dwelling on it. It's just hard to keep the two separated.

[Quail]

I'm so unhappy right now. I can't keep my emotions in check - tearful, angry, whatever. I suspect it's due to my recent issues with anxiety which is making me really exhausted and hopeless. I mean, I work from home and do 1-3 hours of work per day (plus housework obviously), and half the time I don't manage to get it all done because I'm having panic attacks. How am I ever supposed to get out and find something I want to do and actually be able to do it if I can't even manage a couple of hours in the safety of my own home?

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

prozac works better than citalopram but only insofar as completely lacking motivation and being a wiped out insomniac slugman is relatively better than mood swings and constant vigilance against suicidal thoughts.

luckily i found out that spotify has private listening mode so nobody who thinks i have a good cool taste in music will notice i'm listening to the same depressing country song 70 times in a row. hooray.

[consuming negativity]

>smoke the last of my weed
>go onto revleft
>read rousing chorus' post
>search for a song to share on an album that i listen to while sad
>get to this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fH_xNW5wSM) and cry for like three minutes straight
>regain composure
>go back to make a post
>they never even said they were sad and so it's not even appropriate to quote and share the song i decided on
>hit the peak of the last of my weed for weeks while crying over one of the saddest songs i know and i didn't even get to make my fucking post because i can't read

i am all of the emotions :mellow:

[human strike]

Start counseling tomorrow. (y)

[Redistribute the Rep]

prozac works better than citalopram but only insofar as completely lacking motivation and being a wiped out insomniac slugman is relatively better than mood swings and constant vigilance against suicidal thoughts.

For me being a motivationless slugman and having violent suicidal mood swings go hand in hand...

[Quail]

I feel too anxious to shower but I don't want to turn up to school to collect my son looking like complete shit. Dilemma.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

That's my life, I used to be a very regimented person but I feel that last year my anxiety reached such a point that I just hit a wall. I've kind of looked like shit for a couple months now, I shaved sometime back in October or September and since then I've just let my beard and hair grow without any sort of upkeep. If I'm honest with myself it just looks gross, my fiance doesn't seem to mind luckily or at least hasn't voiced any disapproval.

I had my first quiz in a course I started, I got a B on it. It's sounds petulant but I really wanted to get an A and I was pretty disappointed when I got that grade. Hopefully I'll crank my effort up a little on the midterm that's coming up.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

hah i was wrong just got whacked with paralyzing anxiety and a fun mood rollercoaster weeee how fun

[Quail]

Let's abolish this whole money thing soon, okay guys? Fuck being poor.

[The Intransigent Faction]

I disagree with your first two sentences, I agree with the rest of your post.

I think you should stay alive because you love yourself. If you can do that, then you can love another person more wholeheartedly, and you can love humanity with more understanding. However, relying on the working class, or any other group of people for inspiration and a reason to live is a bad idea, because people will always let you down. Especially groups of people.

Meh, when I hear "love yourself" I think "narcissism". There's too much self-love as it is, and it feeds hollow egoistic pursuits as a poor substitute for a sense of community or relationships with others. It's also just as possible to "let yourself down" as for others to let you down. That's why I prefer compassion. It requires patience, for oneself and for others, and so it isn't so conditional on being (or not being) disappointed.

Semantics, maybe, but I've been itching to say that.


Let's abolish this whole money thing soon, okay guys? Fuck being poor.

Wait here. I'll get right on that!

[Rosa Partizan]

I'm so happy being in love. For the first time since, I don't even know when (must be years), it's clear and with no strings attached. No commitment issues, no "let's have just casual sex", no "my ex haunts my memories (but my penis is unaffected by that)"-bullshit etc, heard it all too often. Just an unconditional, monogamous, bourgeois, heterosexual, uncomplicated relationship :lol:

[human strike]

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. My contract at work expires in a week and I've a lot to do and then I'm unemployed... I started counseling today, which is always a little intense. This girl who I can't help being quite into is messing me around like crazy which makes me sad and quite angry. My sister just gave birth. An ex who I don't trust and am scared of has been messaging me like I owe her something. I just got a text from another ex who I'm still in love with and haven't heard from in weeks asking me how I am but I don't feel able to reply to her either. And then finally because of some of these things above someone else I'm seeing is feeling insecure and wanting me to reassure them but I am completely drained and I feel bad for practically ignoring them too... This is too much for one day. :(

I feel very dissociated.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Just an unconditional, monogamous, bourgeois, heterosexual, uncomplicated relationship :lol:

There are children reading this.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Just need to vent about my roommate. When I get home from work I immediately get bugged by my roommate. My mom and dad would always get mad when I started bugging them the second they got home from work about stupid shit but now I completely understand. I want to get home, go to my room, get out of my work clothes and just breathe for a second. But no, everyday I come home my roommate is right there with something to talk my ears off with and if I show no interest and tell him I'm going to my room to get changed he'll just follow me. It's never anything that matters, its always something like, "dude you should have seen what i did in GTA V a couple minutes ago." Fuck, this conversation couldn't wait until I'm not standing in my room in my underwear trying to change, just give me five minutes!

Another thing is he basically lives in the living room (which isn't what you're supposed to do contrary to the name of the room). He has a room but he never goes in there, he sleeps on the couch and just stays out there all day. He's a slob so he can't keep the living room clean for a day and I refuse to clean up after him and it always leads to arguments when I want to have multiple friends over and we want to use the living room because we can't all fit comfortably in my room. Its just annoying him always being right there too, I wish for once I could go get a water bottle at night without having to walk by him and have to deal with him trying to rope me into a conversation.

And he never gets the hints that I don't want to talk or, what's worse, that I don't have the time to talk, it seems like he always wants to talk when its inconvenient. Like we'll be sitting there playing a game in almost complete silence but the moment I'm trying to leave for work or anywhere he wants to spark up a conversation. Most days I'm literally shutting the door on him as he keeps talking about stuff, like I'm sitting here slowly shutting the door saying "yeah," "ok" to what he's saying trying to leave and he just blabbers on. Get a fucking hint, I don't give a shit.

He doesn't do shit. Doesn't work, doesn't pay rent (its his grandmas property), rarely cleans after himself. He sits around and plays video games all day and gets high.

We used to be cool, worked at McDonalds together for a year, but now every time i see him I want to blow my face off.

[Lily Briscoe]

Ugh, that sounds like a bad situation (cannot stand people who talk nonstop and don't get the hint; they are probably legitimately my least favorite type of people ever)

[Rosa Partizan]

he sounds like an ignorant asshole. Have you ever sat down with him and had some serious conversation? However, he sounds like the type of guy who wouldn't understand what the problem is. Would seriously consider moving out. I used to share a flat, too, and I had roommates who would spend the whole day in the kitchen listening to loud music, cooking and leaving the kitchen like a pigpen. Some people were obviously raised by wolves in the forest and you can't make up for the lack of decent education and regard.

[PhoenixAsh]

If you try to have a serious conversation about how you interpret somebodies words and actions and people tell you "well thats just what you make off it" and don't tell you how they actually meant it.

Essentially saying: its your fault for not understanding me.

:mad:

[PhoenixAsh]

Also I hate modern communication tools like whatsapp which are essentially enabling electronic stalking by showing you when you are online and typing a message even if you have your settings to not show your last activity...and by those blue check marks which show whether you read the conversation or not....it is infuriating and enables obsessive behaviour.

"ZOMG you have read my message an hour ago and youhave been online 7 times now and you still haven't replied"

Which leads to unnecessary fights and discussions.


:mad:

[Lily Briscoe]

Some people were obviously raised by wolves in the forest and you can't make up for the lack of decent education and regard.
Eh, in my experience with roommates, it's more often the well-off, college-educated ones who are the most inconsiderate/entitled with space/think everyone else is their maid. Anecdotal, but.

IDK, I'm not anal about people being super neat and orderly (neat freaks actually irk the fuck out of me), but the 'living in the living room' thing sounds obnoxious as hell

[Rosa Partizan]

Eh, in my experience with roommates, it's more often the well-off, college-educated ones who are the most inconsiderate/entitled with space/think everyone else is their maid. Anecdotal, but.

IDK, I'm not anal about people being super neat and orderly (neat freaks actually irk the fuck out of me), but the 'living in the living room' thing sounds obnoxious as hell

It must be due to my poor language or whatever, but I mean exactly those people who weren't cared about in terms of being regardful and considerate. Many exchange students here behave like pigs because at home they got servants.

[Rosa Partizan]

Also I hate modern communication tools like whatsapp which are essentially enabling electronic stalking by showing you when you are online and typing a message even if you have your settings to not show your last activity...and by those blue check marks which show whether you read the conversation or not....it is infuriating and enables obsessive behaviour.

"ZOMG you have read my message an hour ago and youhave been online 7 times now and you still haven't replied"

Which leads to unnecessary fights and discussions.


:mad:

Are you dating a teenager? I thought this kind of behavior stops in your early twenties or so.

[Lily Briscoe]

It must be due to my poor language or whatever, but I mean exactly those people who weren't cared about in terms of being regardful and considerate. Many exchange students here behave like pigs because at home they got servants.

Yeah, I thought that might have been how you meant it but wasn't sure.

Some of my worst 'rooming' experiences have been renting rooms in houses where the owner lived. Such gems as strictly enforced 10-minute shower limits (I still have the scars on my legs to prove it!), throwing my food away to make space in the refrigerator, frequently deciding completely arbitrarily that my guests had to leave, barging into my room because they thought they smelled cigarettes... I did that twice, never doing it again. Kinda sounds like that might be the root of the issue with TRT's situation, too (but in a somewhat different sense).

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Yeah he is a very ignorant person. The problem with trying to talk to him about anything is he will never accept any responsibility for any of his actions and he will blatantly lie to your face even if he knows you both know it's not true! The only time I get the truth is when he's drunk. You all don't even know the half of it, I've had to deal with cops out here for stupid ass reasons, crazy methheads blowing shit up at 11 at night, wild dogs, I'm so ready to move out. I already have half my shit packed, I just need to do a few things and figure out where my next roof will be.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Eh, in my experience with roommates, it's more often the well-off, college-educated ones who are the most inconsiderate/entitled with space/think everyone else is their maid. Anecdotal, but.

IDK, I'm not anal about people being super neat and orderly (neat freaks actually irk the fuck out of me), but the 'living in the living room' thing sounds obnoxious as hell
He's not really well off, we live on an orchard his grandma owns but the poverty line is a little over our heads...The problem is he's always had family that's had some sort of title to property so he felt he could use it against people and he's not afraid to be a little snitch.

He sounds a lot like my roommate. The thing that really pisses me off too the first time we argued about the living room he's like "tell a few people to come over, we'll set up the tvs in the living room, have a game night or a jam session" and then when I set it all up and my friends were on the way and i buy all the alcohol he's all "oh your cousin(who he's insanely jealous of because I spend more time with him) is coming over? Well have fun in your room, I don't want him here". We were about to brawl, I found it hella disrespectful and he tells me i only pay for the room, that I have no right to even use the living room. In the end I used the living room. When it comes down to cleaning the house he'll try and tell me it's my responsibility to help with the whole house lol no way, I clean up my room and the mess I make in the kitchen and that's about it.

[PhoenixAsh]

Are you dating a teenager? I thought this kind of behavior stops in your early twenties or so.

I don't think it has to do with age....more with insecurity and problematic issues.

And I don't know whether we are dating or not. We are supposed to be in a "flow" whatever the fuck that means. However....whatever it is...the last week she has been acting cold and distant and when I step away and give her space she gets me back and...while still continuing to act cold and distant. So I am trying to step back...which turns out to be much harder than I want it to be.

[Quail]

Struggling with money again/still. I sat in the dining room on Friday crying my eyes out because not only have I not paid this month's rent, or the bills for the last two months, I owe £1400 to the university I dropped out of because they overpaid me my bursary, which in turn meant I couldn't get benefits so I had to use that fucking money to live on. So obviously I can't "make immediate payment" as they have asked me to do because I have a £2k overdraft and no money for the basic stuff I need to live. I'm sure I'll manage somehow, but sorting it all out is going to be a massive headache.

[DAN E BOY]

I don't think it has to do with age....more with insecurity and problematic issues.

And I don't know whether we are dating or not. We are supposed to be in a "flow" whatever the fuck that means. However....whatever it is...the last week she has been acting cold and distant and when I step away and give her space she gets me back and...while still continuing to act cold and distant. So I am trying to step back...which turns out to be much harder than I want it to be.


lol sounds like she's playing heads games with you fella.

just tell her she's hot and you want to nail her. And if that doesn't go down well at least you didn't waste too much time.

[Rosa Partizan]

Insecurity is often enough, not always a matter of age. I would've done that shit 10 years ago, you know. Now I'm like "who cares, his loss". But it seems a mix of insecurity and to be honest it sounds a bit borderline-ish. Heard such stories often enough.

[Devrim]

I don't think it has to do with age....more with insecurity and problematic issues.

And I don't know whether we are dating or not. We are supposed to be in a "flow" whatever the fuck that means. However....whatever it is...the last week she has been acting cold and distant and when I step away and give her space she gets me back and...while still continuing to act cold and distant. So I am trying to step back...which turns out to be much harder than I want it to be.

I went through something similar. It was deeply unsettling. My friends all said " you are better off without her. Give up."

I ignored it, but it was probably good advice.

Devrim

[BIXX]

lol sounds like she's playing heads games with you fella.

just tell her she's hot and you want to nail her. And if that doesn't go down well at least you didn't waste too much time.
Get the fuck out dude.

[BIXX]

Like seriously, can the mods not see that other racist shit, the sexist shit he's said multiple times, and I'm sure there's more, and conclude that he's a troll?

[human strike]

I don't think it has to do with age....more with insecurity and problematic issues.

And I don't know whether we are dating or not. We are supposed to be in a "flow" whatever the fuck that means. However....whatever it is...the last week she has been acting cold and distant and when I step away and give her space she gets me back and...while still continuing to act cold and distant. So I am trying to step back...which turns out to be much harder than I want it to be.

Sounds familiar. Don't let them act that way towards you, they'll keep doing it.

[cyu]

Borderline versus co-dependent.

I actually suspect I may be co-dependent xD

[Quail]

lol sounds like she's playing heads games with you fella.

just tell her she's hot and you want to nail her. And if that doesn't go down well at least you didn't waste too much time.

2 infractions in as many days... Casual sexism isn't cool mate.

[PhoenixAsh]

Sounds familiar. Don't let them act that way towards you, they'll keep doing it.

I have a new strategy.

I tried to talk. She was playing the blame game: "But this is just how you see it" without telling me how I should see it or explaining her feelings being intentionally vague while at the same time saying nothing is wrong and I am stressing out over nothing. Which is basically being dismissive and saying that it is my fault.

So no. I got angry. Told her that I liked her. Really didn't want to do this but deserved better and I am done as long as they weren't willing to make the effort. She apped me the next day saying sorry. Then that same evening the exact same bullshit. And I ignored her. Today she apped me again.

Here is the strategy I am using:

I just mirror her behaviour for now. If she is nice...I will be nice. If she is annoying or taking me for granted....I walk away saying I don't want to deal with her BS. If she asks me to come over I will tell her no regardless of what I have to do or how bad I want to see her and suggest another date. I am (for now) not letting her know what my feelings are...

So far it is working.

I am putting myself first. I do my thing. I take my distance. And eventually she either makes the effort or she doesn't. IF it turns out she is mind fucking me...well...then I have a different strategy.

[Rosa Partizan]

Don't forget the strategy of dumping her if this is going too far. You're two grown-ups, you shouldnt be playing games and developing strategies imho.

[Art Vandelay]

I really hope everything shakes out the way you're hoping it does PA; however it does, I'm sure it will be for the best. Sounds like a tough situation, so good on you for holding your ground.

---

I'm having some lady troubles myself at the moment. Well not exactly troubles, I'm more just overwhelmed and not sure exactly how to handle the situation. I'm finding myself pretty smitten with the woman I am seeing. She's pretty much everything I would look for in a partner and I'm not even sure how I lucked out and ended up in this situation. I kinda just assumed that this thing between us - whatever it is - wasn't anything serious. This past weekend however, as we we're falling asleeo, she whispered in my ear 'I hope you know we're gonna fall in love with eachother.' which was nice to hear and I could definitely see myself falling for her, but at the same time I am also terrified. I kinda struggle to let my guard down and am almost certain that I am going to end up with a broken heart, cause I just can't see her feeling the same way about me - regardless of what she says - as I know I will about her, after spending a few more weeks together. Oh well I guess. It's certainly not the worst problem to have.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

although admittedly i wasnt exactly well the last two weeks i thought i was actually going to be well enough to start doing stuff again soon. i was hilariously, completely and utterly wrong as usual. Started feeling familiar Bad Things on saturday but i thought that (because my meds seemed to be working better) that it was going to be fairly mild and i'd need a hug and a cup of tea and be on my way again.

Cue sunday night pouring with tears on the metro platform at liverpool central because i wanted to dive on the tracks. Literally the only reason i didn't is because that would have meant killing myself right in front of my best friend and her boyfriend. Spent most of the rest of the night ugly crying on their sofa. I had a really horrible nightmare, then when i was driving home i zoned out on the motorway and almost died, stopped at the services in bradford, cried in the car and then cried again in starbucks with a cup of really really shitty coffee then i got home where surprisingly enough I cried AGAIN. There were a lot of good points to the weekend admittedly and between me, my best friend and a mutual friend we had a kind of little support group going a lot of the weekend but its still been hard.

[human strike]

I have a new strategy.

I tried to talk. She was playing the blame game: "But this is just how you see it" without telling me how I should see it or explaining her feelings being intentionally vague while at the same time saying nothing is wrong and I am stressing out over nothing. Which is basically being dismissive and saying that it is my fault.

So no. I got angry. Told her that I liked her. Really didn't want to do this but deserved better and I am done as long as they weren't willing to make the effort. She apped me the next day saying sorry. Then that same evening the exact same bullshit. And I ignored her. Today she apped me again.

Here is the strategy I am using:

I just mirror her behaviour for now. If she is nice...I will be nice. If she is annoying or taking me for granted....I walk away saying I don't want to deal with her BS. If she asks me to come over I will tell her no regardless of what I have to do or how bad I want to see her and suggest another date. I am (for now) not letting her know what my feelings are...

So far it is working.

I am putting myself first. I do my thing. I take my distance. And eventually she either makes the effort or she doesn't. IF it turns out she is mind fucking me...well...then I have a different strategy.

That'll probably work better but Rosa's advice is very good too. I'm having problems with someone giving me mixed messages and I'm at a point where I have to decide whether to bother at all anymore or give up. I'm leaning towards giving up; sometimes it's the best thing to do.

[Rosa Partizan]

That'll probably work better but Rosa's advice is very good too. I'm having problems with someone giving me mixed messages and I'm at a point where I have to decide whether to bother at all anymore or give up. I'm leaning towards giving up; sometimes it's the best thing to do.

so business as usual.

:lol:

[PhoenixAsh]

...

I really fell for her. And up until last week things were going fine. So fine actually that I felt safe... Then that weekend...and everything changed. I am really tired of getting really hurt and played. Especially by somebody who knows my situation. And it sucks nobody can be trusted. I don't think I deserve this.

But yeah...hoping against all hope that I am wrong.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I'm having relationship problems too right now, I just don't know how to handle it. There's this one girl I met on my birthday Jan. 1st. She's cool but I just don't see us being a couple together more like a friend's with benefits thing. I told her this and she seems ok with it, our relationship just has no depth to it, just all fun and partying and I already know I'm not the only guy she's with so that's all good, my roommate is just a dick about it ("omg, no kissing outside of your room, I don't want to see it!")

But then there's this girl at work who I'm like massively falling for but she's in a pretty fucked up situation, it pisses me off just thinking about it. She is deeply in poverty, worse off than most people so she doesn't really have any resources of her own, her brother has to drive her to and from work even, she can barely keep up with her rent. She's already in a relationship with somebody but she doesn't want to be with him anymore because she says they're not really even loving or intimate anymore and he's emotionally abusive. She told me she basically sees him like a roommate now, they don't hug, kiss, have sex, they don't even share the same room anymore! The way I see it the only thing he has a claim to in his life is her because of our fucked up patriarchal society and he just wants to hold onto her because its something he can have power over. I asked why she stays with him if there's nothing there(me not realizing they even live together or the depth of his abusive nature)and she says because he's "unpredictable". When I asked what she meant by that she said when she told him she wanted to break up with him last time he trashed all of her stuff and threw it away. Big red flags going up there, this guys obviously a fucking mysogynistic psychopath trying to destroy what little sense of self she has in favor of the kind of shit he wants to make her out to be, mold her as he can see fit. She tells me if she's going to leave she's going to have to pack her bags and make a run for it without saying a word to him.

We've been talking at work for months and I let it be clear to her how I felt about her, how just being around her gives me a euphoric sensation(before I knew all of this about her boyfriend. I knew she had a boyfriend and I could tell she's unhappy, I just didn't have the details) and she said she feels the same about me. But the thing is we've never been able to spend time outside of work, we've never been able to be intimate, etc, etc, so it's kind of hard to just say pack your bags up and move in. I told her she could go to a women's shelter but she said she doesn't want to (and honestly I don't blame her hearing stories from my fam who have stayed at women's shelters) and she doesn't have family besides her brother who won't let her stay there. So its like wtf, all this is on me, she's already prepared to get the fuck out.

I feel like that's a big step though, to go from coworkers who "like" each other to her moving in? What if I'm just her escape and things aren't as sunny and green as she thinks they are in her head with me? Maybe I'm as good of a guy as she thinks and I'm just insecure argh, who knows! Not to mention I already want to get as far away as possible from where i live now and I'm supposed to just bring her into it? Frustrating. And her boyfriends a fucking crazy bastard apparently who I have no doubts would get slightly agitated if I "steal" his "property" :mad:

[Quail]

Today I'm alternating between crying and panic... But what can actually be done? There's nothing wrong with me. I could go to the doctors and I'm sure they'd prescribe me anti-depressants, but I don't fucking need them. It's not a chemical imbalance in my brain. It's the council, for cutting off my housing benefit again for bullshit reasons. It's relying on benefits at all, which are always precarious and can be cut off at any time. Seriously it's like once a month or something ridiculous, and I'm just so exhausted from dealing with it. It's stupid little things like having to walk around in shoes with plastic bags inside them because my parents gave me money for shoes but I used it to live on instead. And then lied about it, because I'm sick of being the daughter that they put money and effort into, who then just fucks up and fails every time. I am so damn tired of being alive right now, struggling through every day with no end to it in sight.

I'm sorry for the rant, but I'm alone and I needed somewhere to vent.

[cyu]

I just mirror her behaviour for now. If she is nice...I will be nice. If she is annoying or taking me for granted....I walk away saying I don't want to deal with her BS.

Made me think of http://www.revleft.com/vb/revenge-ever-justified-t179128/index.html?p=2590977#post2590977

if someone helps you for 100 and you respond by helping them for 101, you have an extra cost of 1.

This would be different from a strategy in which you respond by helping for 110 instead, or 200 instead, in which the cost would be even higher. The more cost you incur, the more you move away from tit-for-tat, and approach a fully-forgiving strategy.

Of course, you could also respond by helping for only 100.1 or 100.0001 - however, this also means it takes much longer to get to full cooperation. But if the number is small enough, the extra cost would be almost negligible.

What is the best ratio? Who knows - the tournament itself isn't even designed for such strategies - although you might adapt it to his tournament by randomizing forgiveness.

For example, if they hurt you, you normally defect as well. However, 1% of the time, you might cooperate instead. Different strategies might try different percentages... 10%, 50%, 0.001%... etc.

That said, just because I think something is a good idea and something I should do, doesn't mean I ever actually remember to apply it much in real life :glare:

[Futility Personified]

Fuming with rage. Checking the job websites, I was definitely sacked for being ill. Without being told it. I am absolutely beside myself with fucking rage, you know it goes on, but in my naive little mind I expected them at least be honest. I'm guessing it is technically illegal, but functionally legal. Also, the government rules on claiming JSA have changed from it being 3 days where your claim technically hasn't started, to 7. Excellent! The govt says an extra £60 a week from all the people who are forced to go on the fucking dole.

So i've gone from being in a stable position at least expecting to get out of this dismal fucking town in the next 6 months, to being on the dole again, with a pathetic condolence prize of a job washing up for 9 hours a week. I am bursting with heinous fucking righteous motherfucker slaying anger.

[Quail]

More crying on the way home from school, after a phone call urging me to set up a payment plan for money I owe. Tried to hide my dismal mood from my son, but I can't help feeling like he deserves better than this.

Apparently I should have called the university to query my bursary overpayment, instead of using it to live on. Silly me! It's not like it took them a month to process me leaving my course so that I had no proof of being eligible to claim benefits. What the fuck do these people expect me to do?

Edit: I think I'll stop posting my slow descent into a money-based breakdown here after this post :unsure:

[PhoenixAsh]

Well...on top of everything else. I now have an adenocarcinoma in the early stages of transforming. It transforms from a benign adenoma to an invasive from of cancer...apparently because they ran out of butterflies. This sucks because I like butterflies much, much better.

[PhoenixAsh]

Also I had a row with the doctor because he called me and said: "So we will start your chemo next week"

Yeah...uhm...how about no? Because fuck chemo. Did that twice and I didn't particularly liked it enough to do it a third time. So find a better way which involves less puking and less pink tears (the chemo I had turned all my body fluids pink...which was awesome when I started yawning when I was tried and tears ran down my face...it really freaked people out).

He actually tried the "I think I am the doctor and I know what I am talking about" line with me.

No dude, no.

Do I need to remind you that five years ago you misdiagnosed me with IBS because you were too fucking lazy to scan my entire stomach? Only after I called you every other day for five weeks did you do a full scan because you thought you could get rid of me that way....and it turned out you missed the really big tumors by an inch? And do I need to remind you you then misdiagnosed those as inflamed cysts and thought antibiotic cocktails would help? Of which you gave me 7!! in three months time...fucking up my immune system which gave me bronchitis which I had for a really, really long time because the anti-biotics no longer helped?

So no. You don't know what the fuck you are talking about.

[Sewer Socialist]

Oh, I can really relate to that. I spend 3 weeks in the hospital as a child with a case of appendicitis, with complications resulting from the doctors decision that I must have been faking it, and the truth was revealed when I was no longer able to walk a few days after my appendix burst. Docs are so condescending.

Anyway, I hope you can figure out something somewhat less terrible!

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

I think i'll be even less active for the near future.

At 9:15 on Tuesday morning I took an overdose of codeine phosphate pills and might have died if my best friend hadn't checked her texts in class and seen my suicide note. She called an ambulance and I spent the best part of yesterday being shunted around waiting rooms in Hull Royal Infirmary, occasionally having blood taken from me and other such tests. I saw some psych people who let me out that night and I stayed at a friend's house but I still feel shitty for a whole load of reasons - not least for putting someone I love and care about really deeply through an absolutely horrible experience.

On the upside now that I have a formally documented suicide attempt it's going to be a lot easier for me to get on ESA and I imagine that I'll be taken more seriously by my GP, but it's been a really appalling last few days.

[cyu]

Ironic...

http://www.newstatesman.com/sites/default/files/images/new-Labour-because-Britain-deserves-better-19972.jpg

[PhoenixAsh]

tomorrow is my operation.

The girl who is supposed to give a shit doesn't and she refuses to let me go. When I want to break it off she gets me back. I told her to just let me go but she says she wants it to work. Yet doesn't take any action towards that effect at all.

But yeah...tomorrow is my operation. Its going to be risky but I really don't want chemo. I don't give a shit about what happens either. I am broken.

[BIXX]

tomorrow is my operation.

The girl who is supposed to give a shit doesn't and she refuses to let me go. When I want to break it off she gets me back. I told her to just let me go but she says she wants it to work. Yet doesn't take any action towards that effect at all.

But yeah...tomorrow is my operation. Its going to be risky but I really don't want chemo. I don't give a shit about what happens either. I am broken.
Good luck. I hope this shit works out for you.

[PhoenixAsh]

It worked out.

It took them 3 hours. My ex is head night nurse in the hospital and she was there.

They put me under narcosis. Which I do not handle well for two reasons. One is that I get quite fighty because I do not like the feeling of dying. Tink (her nickname...short for Tinkerbell which is her regular avatar) tells me this time was no exception and she knows me so they tied me up before hand. It still took 10 minutes or so for me to stop fighting. The second reason is because me and especially my heart do not wake up well from Narcosis. Again. This time was no exception. During the operation my heart rate fell so low they had to pause the operation twice. So what would normally take an hour took 3 instead. I have been zapped once. So I have nice little burn marks on my chesty and the side of my chest.

They tell me they managed to cut the tumor out and that it went well inspite of the fact that it did turn out it was positioned a little awkwardly. They did ask me if I wanted to see the little fucker. But I think the tumor and me are done and I have no special attachment to it. So they told me quite graphically they stuck a laser in me and cut the stuff out of me and then burned the wound close. It will take about a week to heal to the extend I can eat normal food and feel less uncomfortable. During that week I may experience a whole host of embarrassing side effects. When my heart started going on strike they even stuck a tube down my throat to take a look at my heart. Which is awesome. It is called TEE and it looks like a pregnancy echo...only without the annoying alien and more movement.

I slept until 11 pm when they woke me up to see if I was doing ok. I was on a heart monitor in the IC recovery room. At least this is what they tell me. Because I can't remember at all. They woke me up this morning at 9 and the nurse scolded me for being grumpy and not wanting to eat my dietary obligated cardboard soup...at least that is what I imagine cardboard soup would smell and taste like. I wanted to be angry and tell her her bedside manners needed improvement plus she is a lousy cook. But I was too tired to bother.

I slept some more and when they woke me up again I felt nauseous from the narcosis and have a nasty persistent burning sensation throughout my stomach, esophagus and belly plus the small burn lines from the zapping ... but otherwise I feel 100% like a hangover. I can do hangovers. Not well. But I have some practice. After a while of being somewhere between awake but not really wanting to be awake...they released me into the care of my ex and a friend and they took me home. Where I am now. Typing this because I am bored and after more than 15 hours of sleep...I can't sleep.

I am told the tumor is gone. That next week I need to go for a check up and that the blood work T-cell count will tell if I need a run of preventive chemo. But so far the doctor thinks it will be ok. He said I have a strange but strong heart.



In the mean time the one who was supposed to care and didn't and was being a completely cold, distant and rejecting block of ice (to put it nicely) was spending a huge amount of time with both my ex and the other friend on whatsapp and said all kinds of nice things. Maybe this is because both my friend and my ex are extremely protective and have told her what they think of her actions and behaviour in no uncertain terms. And were not inclined to answer any of her questions or say how I as doing before she told the truth in clear unambiguous language. They said things might not work out and that this was fine...but if they ever found out she was being dishonest, played with my feelings, toys with me and keeps me on a leash they will not look kindly on this and may have to have a nice chat with her. I think this is a rather solid basis for a relationship...the threat of violence. :rolleyes:
Anyways she said all kinds of nice things. But yes...saying them is one thing. Doing them is another. Actions speak louder than words. So she has to show them rather than say them. So we will see. But so far it is progress.

Either way I am too busy right now to concentrate on the healing process and on not vomiting. Because they said I should avoid doing that. Also I am really hungry because aside from two or three sips of the cardboard soup I have not eaten in two days. And I grave everything I am not allowed to eat or drink attm. Even the stuff I never eat myself. I am dying for a wodka mix but they said that this could lead to actually dying off the wodka mix and I am still not that far gone. For now it is water with a mix of salts and sugars which tastes like...what I imagine elephant sperm would taste like. And I don't know why I ever imagined or wanted to imagine what elephant sperm tastes like. But if I ever did...this would be the taste I imagine. So I can strike this off my something i don't want to do before I die bucket list. Unfortunately.

Lately things in that list seem to happen quite regularly. Maybe I should put having lots of sex in there. Something which the doctor tells me is good for my heart and I should do more often. This is one thing we agree on. It seems he can't write a prescription for it though. Fat good he is to me with his fancy diploma and fancy white coat. Asshat.

I can't complain though. I survived and doing quite well considering my heart almost stopped twice and I needed to be zapped. I asked Tink to get me some more of the drugs they gave me. Maybe slightly less strong because they are awesome for sleeping. So far she has not complied to my requests...I will keep you posted.

[Atsumari]

So the restaurant has been crazy. The chef was talking of firing someone and I was on the list because I was the least experienced with the second least experienced person having 3 years.
I am pretty close with the chef and he said he wanted to fire this one guy with 5 years because he is lazy, arrogant, does not listen to the chef or anyone else, and does stupid things like not removing bones from fish which can be dangerous if consumed. I do not like to see anyone getting fired since I believe in the right to work, even though I get less hours because of him being around but today, I learned a lot of bad shit.
The guy who I defended and thought I was on good terms with has been trying to get me fired. He has been spreading rumors about me and has been trying to pressure the chef to fire me for a good amount of time now. I also learned from the chef that another guy who I thought I was on good terms with tried to blame me for a mess he created by outright lying. Thankfully, chef is standing up to me and is firing the guy who is spreading rumors about me and yelled at the guy who tried to frame me and gave me a list of people who I should avoid and not to be so nice because I will get stabbed in the back. It is really hard not to look at this event and other people with little to no cynicism at this point.

Also, I learned that I am not only going to keep my job, but I am getting a raise, and the chef is taking me out for lunch tomorrow because I was able to make lots of sushi rolls in a certain amount of time.

[The Disillusionist]

I believe in the right to work

Them's fightin' words 'round these parts.

But I imagine "right to work" means something very different for you than me. Here in a "right to work" state where we have "right to work" laws, it really means "the right to work for minimum wage without benefits, and to be fired without any kind of good reason."

[Art Vandelay]

So I'm in a pretty tricky/shitty situation at the moment. The woman I have been seeing has some history with a close friend of mine (it was a long time ago, very brief, he's dating someone else now, etc...) and shit is starting to hit the fan. Everything has been going great with her, Ive been surprised by how strongly she feels about me and if Im honest with myself, I feel the same way. The impression I got from both of them (him back then, and her now) was that it wasn't serious, was a brief fling, no big deal. On Sunday we all got together, along with some other friends, at my place and watched the super bowl. At the end of the night the woman Im seeing and I went up to my room for the night. I guess that was the first he knew about us hanging out (I probably should have told him earlier, but this is all new, we've been figuring out exactly what is going on between us, plus I didnt think it would be a big deal). Now I guess he's really upset and hurt. Apparently, this I found out today, he was potentially in love with her back then and she didnt feel the same way. Im not sure how to feel, on the one hand I dont regret anything (just the way it was handled), I really like this woman and chemistry like this is hard to find; on the other hand I feel like a shitty person, this is one of my closest friends, a great person, a comrade, and Ive managed to hurt him through my actions. Ugh, why does life have to be so messy.

[BIXX]

That sounds like a trot problem to me ;)

All joking aside, I don't really know exactly what one ought to do in that situation. It might be best if you told him how things are from your perspective. That's all I got honestly, I hope it goes well for you.

[Brandon's Impotent Rage]

I went to Barnes & Noble today.....and guess who was there doing a book signing?

Mike Huckabee.

Yeah, THAT asshole. That lying, grifting, thieving, hypocritical, snake oil selling, reactionary ASSHOLE. The bastard who, after the Sandy Hook shootings, didn't even wait for the first kid's funeral before he started his 'America has turned away for God' bullshit. The blood on the classroom floors hadn't even dried yet and this asswipe was poking his theocratic ass into it.I seriously could only handle a few glances at him. The boiling, undying loathing I have for this creature was so intense that I couldn't even stand to look at him. I kept hoping that he wouldn't even attempt to walk my way because I honestly wasn't sure if I could restrain myself from strangling him.

[Crux]

So I'm in a pretty tricky/shitty situation at the moment. The woman I have been seeing has some history with a close friend of mine (it was a long time ago, very brief, he's dating someone else now, etc...) and shit is starting to hit the fan. Everything has been going great with her, Ive been surprised by how strongly she feels about me and if Im honest with myself, I feel the same way. The impression I got from both of them (him back then, and her now) was that it wasn't serious, was a brief fling, no big deal. On Sunday we all got together, along with some other friends, at my place and watched the super bowl. At the end of the night the woman Im seeing and I went up to my room for the night. I guess that was the first he knew about us hanging out (I probably should have told him earlier, but this is all new, we've been figuring out exactly what is going on between us, plus I didnt think it would be a big deal). Now I guess he's really upset and hurt. Apparently, this I found out today, he was potentially in love with her back then and she didnt feel the same way. Im not sure how to feel, on the one hand I dont regret anything (just the way it was handled), I really like this woman and chemistry like this is hard to find; on the other hand I feel like a shitty person, this is one of my closest friends, a great person, a comrade, and Ive managed to hurt him through my actions. Ugh, why does life have to be so messy.
Sometimes we hurt people unintentionally. There's no easy fix for that. But I mean, I guess it won't be fun, but you're going to have to sit down and talk to him about it, probably sooner rather than later. It'll probably work out but yeah life is messy. Love even more so.


Myself i find myself just staring into the void. I'm not doing terrible or anything I'm just...I feel a bit stuck again. Like I'm going nowhere.
Also...a friend passed away in december.

[Art Vandelay]

Sometimes we hurt people unintentionally. There's no easy fix for that. But I mean, I guess it won't be fun, but you're going to have to sit down and talk to him about it, probably sooner rather than later. It'll probably work out but yeah life is messy. Love even more so..

Yeah I spoke to him last night, after I found out how he was feeling. Wanted to be upfront with him and not let the situation fester any longer than it had. Our conversation went well I think. He said he had no real reason to be upset with me, but would probably need a bit of time to process everything. I respect the way he's feeling and want to make it all as easy as possible for him. I told him how much he means to me and I hope that got through. I have no doubt we'll be fine in the long run, may just be an awkward week or so. Planning on giving him a big hug next time I see him.

As for the girl, Ive been slaving away in the kitchen all day since Ive got off work. Made a greek salad, roasted potatoes, and stuffed peppers, plus picked us up a bottle of wine. Gonna go pick her up from the library soon, after I toss this stuff in the oven and shower. Pulling out all the stops for this one.



Myself i find myself just staring into the void. I'm not doing terrible or anything I'm just...I feel a bit stuck again. Like I'm going nowhere.
Also...a friend passed away in december


Sorry to hear about that Crux, with regards to both your friend and the way you've been feeling. Really hope things pick up for you soon, you've always been one of my favorite folks on here. Try doing something nice for yourself, you deserve it and maybe it'll help shake you from being 'stuck.'

[human strike]

Friends often comment on how my life is dramatic - my love life especially. It's like a private joke we all have and chuckle at from time to time. But I don't find it funny anymore. There's a chaos inside of me and it's wearing me down. I have quite an insecure attachment style and am very preoccupied with relationships - I look to my relationships to provide stability in my life, but my relationships are essentially never stable. They're usually quite intense and short-lived, like a firework. It's exhausting to put so much emotional importance on something only for it to explode after a few months while the whole time there's this anxious anticipation of explosion. (I move between partners quite quickly. In the last few years I've had three or four relationships I would call 'serious,' usually with little to no time in between.) It's not simply a fear of losing someone though, it's also a kind of fear of being trapped, responsible, and depended on. There's a conflict - a dialectic, if you will - between genuinely wanting to love and care for someone (as well as desperately feeling that I need someone) whilst simultaneously not wanting to have to be responsible for them or their feelings. It's confusing enough for me and I'm sure even more so for my partners. I'm very temperamental and inconsistent. I can long to spend time with someone only to be insensitive and snappy towards them when we're together. I can feel deeply in love with someone only to push them away, usually by expressing a desire to be intimate with other people. Even when in an open/poly situation I'm finding it doesn't help as much as I'd hoped (I desperately miss and want to be with an ex, but I know there's no way of being with them whilst maintaining anything with anyone else.)

All of this doesn't make me happy. I'm tired of it and I want some stability in my life. I don't like the way I end up treating other people - I've never intentionally acted to hurt anyone, but I have done repeatedly and continue to in some ways. It makes me feel shit a little while into a relationship having this dread of breaking someone's heart, it feels like a landslide bearing down on me. In the last six months I've put a lot of thought and energy into doing relationships differently - and maybe this has been a little bit helpful, though I think it's still too early to properly tell. I can see now clearly though that this will always be a problem as long as I haven't changed things about myself, not just how I do relationships. Simply put, I need to find security and stability in more than just attachment, to gain something from within myself - I think this is probably what is meant by "growing up" (though I've always hated that expression).

Anyway, I'm only saying this here because I had to skip counseling for a week and so haven't had enough opportunity to vocalise these thoughts. The plus side is I have a lot of motivation, opportunity and knowledge now to change myself for the better..... Doesn't stop me randomly wanting to cry when I'm not distracted though....

My contract at work ended. This means I'll be less shattered all the time but also means less security, less routine, probably more chaos. I can't wait to fuck off to Catalonia for a few weeks.

[Os Cangaceiros]

just start ignoring people. That's what I do and it works great.

[Lily Briscoe]

My brother is the sort of person who falls 'madly in love' for some woman, only to leave her for someone 'even better' a couple weeks later. He seems completely incapable of forming any sort of moderately long-lived commitment to anyone. As much as I love my brother - because he's my brother - I really dislike people who are like this. It's not even about 'monogamy', it's about having some sense of responsibility to someone other than yourself. It's a really selfish personality type imho. Not really meaning to shit on anyone or anything though, but

[Lily Briscoe]

Just to clarify now that I'm no longer drunk (:D), I'm not necessarily trying to project any of that onto you, 'human strike'; I don't know you or anything about you beyond what you post on here, but sometimes that's just what your posts in these kinds of threads (maybe completely inaccurately) make me think of for whatever reason

I guess mostly what irks me about it with my brother is that it's like this politically correct way of being an asshole playboy. When he ditches his previous girlfriend #76478855764 (after being madly in love with her 1 day prior), rather than recognizing he's kind of a dick, he instead tends to be frustrated with her for not understanding that he's 'sexually liberated', against monogamy, and finds it oppressive being tied down to one person, babe

[human strike]

I understand, Lily. I'm not saying there isn't sometimes a level of selfishness in the way I act (there is), but I don't really ditch people. The very strong attachments I form persist, sometimes for a very long time after relationships have ended and I've never broken up with anyone; people have always ultimately left me - I try very hard to make things work, even when I have this strong itch to leave. This clinging on has also lead to me being treated like absolute shit sometimes - I always see myself as the bad guy when actually I'm not and it makes me very easy to manipulate (or it used to anyway).

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

just start ignoring people. That's what I do and it works great.

Since I met my fiance I feel like the volume on everyone else has been turned down. It's made it really hard to socialize like I used to, because I honestly don't care about the majority of shit people have to say in those kinds of situations now. Im firmly in the ignore other people camp. Normally when I move in somewhere I make an effort to overcome the anxiety that comes with modern living arrangements and introduce myself to my neighbors. We moved in to a new city a few months ago but I have yet to try to meet my neighbors, I actually avoid eye contact when they are out so I don't even have to acknowledge them. At least this way when the collapse comes, I'll be able to loot their houses without that pesky feeling of guilt

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

i've lost my ipod somewhere in my parents house and now i can't go outside for more than a few minutes without becoming overwhelmingly anxious and paranoid hooray for my completely rational thought processes and healthy relationship with reality

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

Have you tried going out with just ear buds in? As far as everyone else knows, you're still listening to music and will leave you alone.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

ive done that before and it helps a bit but its really not the same :/ The music stops me from being totally alone with my own thoughts and so on and music is a massive part of how i cope i guess. It sounds first world as shit to say this but this is among one of the worse things that could happen to me re. functioning day to day.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

No I get it, that's a bummer :-\

[Quail]

ive done that before and it helps a bit but its really not the same :/ The music stops me from being totally alone with my own thoughts and so on and music is a massive part of how i cope i guess. It sounds first world as shit to say this but this is among one of the worse things that could happen to me re. functioning day to day.

I feel very much the same about my phone, ever since I left the house about five years ago, realised I'd forgotten it and had a panic attack in a shop. For me it's more about being able to contact someone, but I understand how you feel. If I didn't have a phone I probably wouldn't be able to leave the house.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

i listened to radio static instead wahey

[consuming negativity]

i listened to radio static instead wahey
>radio static is comforting

I remember my life before the silent hill series of games

those were innocent times

[Quail]

This is a pretty minor issue, but I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. I've got stomach ache and feel really sick... have been feeling a bit ill for the past couple of days. Being ill as an adult is shit because there's nobody to look after you and you still have to do your job and the housework and child-rearing. Although I may have infected my partner, and she has to travel around and drive cars so it sucks for her too.

[Prometeo liberado]

u give your hand to me
And then you say hello
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me (no you don't know me)
No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
Cause you don't know me (no you don't know me)
I never knew the art of making love
No my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too (love me too)
You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Well you don't know me
I never knew the art of making love
No my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too (love me too)
You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Well you don't know me
You don't know me
Oh you don't know me

Yup, I love her and she loved me but she doesn't believe in monogamy. This is pain.

[PhoenixAsh]

:crying:

I know....so much I know. Love!

[cyu]

>radio static is comforting

I remember my life before the silent hill series of games

those were innocent times

Hey, I'm in those times right now :grin:

I remember my life before Bill Clinton supported welfare "reform"

those were innocent times

[consuming negativity]

http://img.gamefaqs.net/screens/3/4/7/gfs_22655_2_2.jpg

are you ready for clinton 2.0?

[cyu]

Apparently Obama is Clinton 2.0 =/

[consuming negativity]

Apparently Obama is Clinton 2.0 =/

i thought obama was bush 2.0

[human strike]

i thought obama was bush 2.0

bush 3.0

[cyu]

Speaking of which, here's how I see modern American political posturing: the goal is to generally follow one important agenda, while appearing as if options exist. How is this accomplished?

If the Democrats control both Congress and the Presidency, have the Republicans bring up random investigations and court challenges, and stall, so the Democrats never have to do anything real for the working class. If there's too much public sentiment for change from the masses, pass some great bill, but make sure it will be held up in the courts indefinitely and be ultimately struck down, so the law doesn't have to go into effect.

If Congress and the Presidency are controlled by different parties, then both parties can return to their standard propaganda, and appear to be great representatives of their constituency, since nothing can be done anyway. Both can make a big show of the values their party supposedly supports, and they can safely let all proposals die a legal death. But for laws that are actually part of the real agenda of the ruling class? They get passed in a "rare" show of bipartisan unity.

[motion denied]

Disgraced my knee playing football. Probably some unimportant ligament. but my walking is impaired.

This sucks. That's why you should never practice sports, the internet never hurt me :mad:

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

Ugh I stood my ground at work for once over something that happens quite frequently but of course this time it turns out to really be my fault :mad:. Why didn't I wake and bake

[BIXX]

Disgraced my knee playing football. Probably some unimportant ligament. but my walking is impaired.

This sucks. That's why you should never practice sports, the internet never hurt me :mad:
I fucked my ankle yesterday at kick boxing practice, sports are terrible

[The Intransigent Faction]

Finally getting over a cold...

Also realizing that beating myself up solves nothing, but it's so easy I can't help but do it anyway. :mad:

[The Disillusionist]

I'm now at the point in my relationship where I sincerely believe my life is better as a result of my girlfriend being a part of it. So, this is the point where I start to spiral out of control into a chaotic mess of insecurity and self-destructiveness until I no longer fear losing her because I've already lost her. I hope that doesn't happen, but the fact that I'm really afraid of it happening tells me that it might happen...

Also, I couldn't live without metal music. It's better than drugs. If you can listen to metal and still think straight, you aren't listening to heavy enough metal.

[Ele'ill]

*sigh*

[Futility Personified]

So the woman at the job center was kind, understanding and helpful about getting me a job with actual employment security and hours.

I also am 10 feet tall, have genitals constructed from the finest gold and i'm off to play the O2 arena with Joe Strummer on guitar, Jesus playing bass and Robocop doing the drums.

Was point blank told that the agency was justified in getting rid of me, that it is acceptable to put up adverts to collect people's details and string them along getting work, and that I should be happy to work 10 hours a week because I won't be taxed on it... because I will be earning so little it'll be beneath tax threshold.

On the slightly more confusing side of things I was confronted by a chugger for Friends of the Earth. I didn't want to donate money but asked to be involved in any actions they might have going on in this area against fracking. I was told to like them on facebook.... pretty sure she was off her nut on some premium speed.

[consuming negativity]

i'm actually disappointed that i get two days off of work next week

partially because i lose out on a pretty significant chunk of my check

but mostly because all of my friends in this town have either stopped being my friends or have moved out of town, and so now working comprises a large portion of my non-store-employee social interactions, as i am yet again without friends anywhere near me and without any obvious solutions to this problem

at max i might get to go out once and that's contingent on a few things that may or may not happen

so yeah uh any revlefters who really want to chat me up but have been too intimidated by my forum-shattering swag should feel free because i'm gonna be lonely as fuck :/

what, no takers?

you're in good company :ohmy:

[Os Cangaceiros]

Go out to somewhere where other people congregate and talk to them.

[Ele'ill]

I don't think we worship nature enough

[Palmares]

I don't think we worship nature enough

You haven't seen my altar.

[Atsumari]

My natural energy is starting run out. I worked from 7 AM until 10:30 PM today and I just got home only to have to wake up in four hours to do the same the next day. I normally work 6 days a week, but it looks like I am going to be working on my day off because I have to help contribute some ideas for a new menu.
I also feel myself getting dumber the more and more I do this. I am now starting to look back to the past as the height of my political knowledge.

[Ele'ill]

spending a sunday morning drinking shit coffee and looking at labor law/union contract instead of playing fallout 3/buying skateboard

that's the other thing, I'm going to start skateboarding again fyi

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

i went to liverpool over the weekend with my remaining hull-based friends and i promised that i'd try and stay stable and all so i could help herd them around and help out with my other friends brain problems

maybe i did manage it but presenting even the flimsiest impression of a Human Bean was incredibly draining and i feel terrible and all i can think is that i failed horribly and everyone hates me. Hooray.

[The Intransigent Faction]

Go out to somewhere where other people congregate and talk to them.

I dunno, that sounds kinda risky.

[Redistribute the Rep]

Why does it sometimes say I have to spread rep around before giving more to somebody? I don't even remember giving them rep or thanking them

[Palmares]

Maybe you accidentally did? Or recently? All I know is, I thanked a post by someone, then realised how giving rep worked. Then thought, I'll thank this bastard fo real.

Then it said what you just semi-quoted.

*sigh*

[Redistribute the Rep]

I wonder how many people we have to spread it to before it wears off, we should start a rep circle

[BIXX]

I wonder how many people we have to spread it to before it wears off, we should start a rep circle
I don't know, I suspect the circle would have to be like, 6 people. I'm in.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

also i'm probably in love with my best friend and doesnt that just make me feel great hahahaha i'm doing such a good job of adulthood.

[Ele'ill]

out of all of the radical scenes I am pretty sure that the anarchist scene(s) are the fucking worst

[#FF0000]

only anarchists have scenes

marxists have cults

[The Disillusionist]

Oh yeah, totally. The fascists and nationalists don't even hold a candle to the anarchists... :rolleyes:

I'm not a huge fan of the anarchist "scene" either, but I felt like I should introduce some perspective here, since we are on the same side of the political spectrum, after all.

[BIXX]

Oh yeah, totally. The fascists and nationalists don't even hold a candle to the anarchists... :rolleyes:

I'm not a huge fan of the anarchist "scene" either, but I felt like I should introduce some perspective here, since we are on the same side of the political spectrum, after all.
I doubt that honestly.

[Quail]

I have this slightly ridiculous-sounding fear that thinking about bad things happening is going to make them happen, and I'm worried about a close friend right now so it's pretty damn hard not to think about bad things happening. I really don't want something bad to happen.

[The Intransigent Faction]

I have this slightly ridiculous-sounding fear that thinking about bad things happening is going to make them happen, and I'm worried about a close friend right now so it's pretty damn hard not to think about bad things happening. I really don't want something bad to happen.

There's only so much you can do, so just accept what may or may not happen and let the thoughts pass. At least that's what I've been taught, and I feel that way very often.

[Atsumari]

I am finally going to start hormonal treatment tomorrow. I wish I did this much earlier.

[Os Cangaceiros]

only anarchists have scenes

marxists have cults

They throw some pretty good parties, I'll give 'em that. I'd much rather indulge in a wide range of irresponsible behavior with a group of anarchists.

On the other hand, a lot of them are annoying neo-hippies with surprisingly liberal beliefs on certain topics.

[Ele'ill]

They throw some pretty good parties

I am surprised that every party thrown doesn't have 13 different accounts of what happened posted on various anarchist sites calling people out for bringing the wrong beer//someone had the audacity to leave early or do anything at all outside of what the largest Circle Of Friends thinks is probably the correct path in order to continue hanging out with them you have to let them talk at you/yell at you about how you will 'never be one of the people' as you sit in the middle of their circle

[Os Cangaceiros]

You mean there's other forms of anarchist parties other than some house party with plenty of cheap piss-beer, drugs and at least one white person with dreadlocks?

[Palmares]

You mean there's other forms of anarchist parties other than some house party with plenty of cheap piss-beer, drugs and at least one white person with dreadlocks?

Don't oppress me with your dreadlocks! :lol:

I actually fucking hate dreadlocks these days. Can't believe I wasted so many years with that shit.


only anarchists have scenes

marxists have cults

That makes sense. Marxists already know who their leader is. Anarchists (i.e. liberals) on the other hand, use the vehement manipulation (gossip!) of social capital to vie for the position of "not-the-leader".

Lucky I'm no pacifist though...

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b105/IZinterrogator/machine-gun-cat-animation.gif

Jokes! ;)

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

like half my friends aren't talking to me now which I wouldn't mind usually but it's the entire half that I trust and confide in. It is admittedly my fault but that doesn't really make it any better.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

Panic attack, flipping the fuck out for no reason this fucking sucks omfg god damnt dude I don't even know wtf is going on anymore Jesus fuck

[motion denied]

use the vehement manipulation (gossip!)

99% of all movements I've been around. It's like a big overly dramatic soap opera.

[The Intransigent Faction]

like half my friends aren't talking to me now which I wouldn't mind usually but it's the entire half that I trust and confide in. It is admittedly my fault but that doesn't really make it any better.

It's a long story, but I know the feeling. Building or keeping a rapport can be tough when you're dealing with anxiety and depression, so it's pretty rough.

[Kill all the fetuses!]

I need to talk... I don't have a single radical friend who would understand this, but I just need to take this off my heart.

I live in an post-soviet country, which is the ultimate neoliberal paradise. No social movements, no private labour-unions, no civic society, no strikes, no protests, no history of meaningful struggles... The social category of a "businessman" is the category one aspires to and admires. It's god-like.

It's absolutely depressing. The media is full of outrageous nonsense. There is no class-consciousness whatsoever. No solidarity. Teachers were threatening to strike (or rather the union bosses) and people would stand against it, because how dare they strike and struggle for their conditions when they earn 20% more than the minimum wage!

The same story goes with, say, Syriza. Pretty much everyone is siding with Germany (there is no such category as "class" in anyone consciousness). Greeks are lazy, Germans are hard-working so how these people even dare to speak of default, how they dare to protest austerity (austerity in my language has been translated as "saving" as in "saving money")! (Austerity in this country was also vicious, with almost no protests, but relatively short-lived). After all Greeks are earning more than we are! And then there are these propagandist claims about Greeks getting 1500 pensions etc.

I mean, I take politics too deeply and I am very emotional at that as well, so these things are just fucking depressing for me and they keep building up. I don't know, it's just... yeah...

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

You have to accept that you'll always be outnumbered and in enemy territory until the day you won't be anymore. I think just about anyone here can sympathize with your position. I often am struck with a feeling that I must be living in a different world than that of the people around me, and it can be deeply uncomfortable.

[Kill all the fetuses!]

It's not about being outnumbered at all. It's just about the sort of consciousness, the sort of discourse that exists. I would be absolutely fine (on an emotional level that is) with bigots and false-consciousness in general provided that there would be at least some counterbalance to that or rather that people would intuitively find right political positions. As in, if workers are struggling for better conditions, you should support them and not stand against, because "they earn (little bit) more" etc.

This country is insane and is driving me insane.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

That happens here in the US too though, the only opposition you can ever find is of a variety equally vile in content. I suppose the feelings it raises can only be amplified by the presence of a slightly easier existence within living memory though.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

in more tales from the land of 'ahahaha fuck' my therapist suggested I should be referred to a psychiatrist and should stay in regular contact with the crisis team. Also thinks I need much more powerful medication to keep me stable. Apparently I'm significantly worse than I was in the first place and obviously in a very fragile mental state. Go me.

[Kill all the fetuses!]

That happens here in the US too though, the only opposition you can ever find is of a variety equally vile in content. I suppose the feelings it raises can only be amplified by the presence of a slightly easier existence within living memory though.

I mean dude, you have a presence of social movements, a considerable support for progressive politics etc. The U.S. is crazy, but not that crazy. On social issues, it's like US, but some 40 years ago or so. But yeah, I don't think it's helpful to measure who's place of living is shittier. :)

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

It really varies by region, my state has upheld its gay marriage ban and is inching towards banning abortion. There haven't been significant social movements here in decades either. Do you live in a rural area or urban? If you're in an urban area you should be able to find at least a handful of like minded individuals I would think.

Edit: we also have a shitload of military bases and production plants that produce important military hardware like tanks and apcs, so you get this gross cross-over of bizzaro-working class pride combined with hyper-nationalism and militarism.

[Kill all the fetuses!]

It really varies by region, my state has upheld its gay marriage ban and is inching towards banning abortion. There haven't been significant social movements here in decades either. Do you live in a rural area or urban? If you're in an urban area you should be able to find at least a handful of like minded individuals I would think.

That was my goal when I moved to the capital. I found some "radicals" who have been in the political scene (mostly in the sense of activism, not "big politics") so they know it sort of inside out. It turns out there are literally like 4 or 5 class-struggle radicals and 3 or 4 of them are of such a reformist bent that calling them radicals would be absolutely crazy. I started a reading group, where we read Marx etc., but the people who come are social democrats at best. This 1 radical doesn't even live in the country anymore. So yeah.

I mean, don't even get me started at how backwards and horrible this place is in terms of consciousness!

EDIT: Like debate about progressive taxation, for instance, isn't even on the agenda in terms of discourse. It's shut down immediately by calling it a "jealousness tax". The current government promised it, was elected and scraped it, because "too few people are rich enough to be taxed, so first we have to make more people rich". And then it never came up again in public discourse.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

I think the reading group is a pretty good idea considering your options. Maybe with the right books radicalism can grow organically and lead somewhere unexpected. I've toyed with the idea of a radical philosophy reading circle before just for recreation. Unfortunately I would be forced to appeal to a general public. If I bring up philosophy up at this point with most people I know I get vacant stares on a good day. Did you meet these folks at university?

[Kill all the fetuses!]

Nah, I met them in my search for radicals once I moved to the capital due to work. So I met these couple of guys, they invited me to this other place with more progressive people, then there were others I met. Then I "publicly" announced the event and here we are, some 8-10 of us in total.

We've already covered some text, but I am at this point where I will either say "screw it" or give it another go as I need to either plan for another time or scrap the whole thing altogether. It just seems that people don't take these discussions seriously, it seems that they take it as some abstract intellectual masturbatory tool, for which I have neither nerves nor time.

[Lily Briscoe]

This morning I somehow managed to temporarily overcome my complete inability to plan anything at all in order to plan something completely awesome, now waiting to see whether it blows up in my face. :)

[Ele'ill]

Some of this is a recap but I can't remember, at some point i got off the street into a place with a friend with cheap rent and everything was great. I did the healthy exercise/eating routine and continued to take meds. I recently went off the meds mainly because of stress of having to deal with them, dosage, feeling dead, etc.. It wasn't great just stopping them but most of those symptoms from doing that are gone. I had not had anything to drink for many months during all that, and even while homeless I was exercising and not drinking for quite some time. So anyways, I had a shitty week mental health related stuff, work, everything, and now that it is friday and I am not longer on meds and no longer exercising as I took a week or two off intentionally, I want to drink 3-4 beers. I want to even get a little drunk. I told my roommate this and they started talking like they own me like they're going to kick me out if I drink and that I am planning on drinking bottles of liquor every day and I don't think that's what's going to happen. They then made the mistake of trying to pretend to be a psychologist who I wouldn't trust or agree with either, and tell me about my meds and my situation as if they know what they are talking about. This person comes back from being out completely borderline almost black out drunk often on the weekends and they drink a lot and they have tried to get me to drink in the past with them. I just want a fucking drink. I texted them and told them the game plan was to get drunk tonight and beat alien isolation. That to me sounds perfectly reasonable slobbish thing to do on a friday but no way apparently it isn't.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

For some reason, a friend of 20 years has cut me out of her life. When I log in to chat programs, she immediately goes offline. I sent her an email, and she never responded. Looking back at our most recent interactions, I still have no clue what happened.

[Ele'ill]

So I drank alone last night and played fallout3 and then watched some shitty movie 'Rescue Dawn' with christian bale about a navy pilot who crashes in Laos. I had 24ozs of Schlitz HG 8.5% and a few sips of a coors light over the course of like 2 1/2 hours. Then I went to bed. So far this morning I've ignored my roommate once and thought about doing a road trip this summer and doing things I enjoy like exploring the planet.



Edit: and a bad thing just happened I went onto a dating site and just guessed my info after years of inactivity and guessed it right and the account restored. This isn't an instance of becoming more social it is an instance of having a new device to connect to the internet and just wanting to have another reason to use it.

[The Intransigent Faction]

For the past week or so I keep getting compulsively dragged back into an endless comment war on YouTube. I hesitate to throw around the term "troll", but it's one of those things where someone seems more keen on 'winning' a 'debate' through sheer tenacity, rudeness and an almost automatic contradiction of other people' different opinions.

I know I shouldn't and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but with my OCD I can sometimes be more suggestible than I'd like, and I find it hard to just walk away from discussions that seem to go nowhere. A nagging voice tells me that if I walk away, even after hours, I'm somehow conceding defeat or showing I can't handle an opposing point of view. Then I feel like I have to pointlessly memorize certain words and things, too, which doesn't help. I've literally lost sleep over it and that's made me all the more irritable and it's driving me off the deep end...:(

Saying this stuff here because it's probably a better option than Facebook or something.

[The Disillusionist]

For the past week or so I keep getting compulsively dragged back into an endless comment war on YouTube. I hesitate to throw around the term "troll", but it's one of those things where someone seems more keen on 'winning' a 'debate' through sheer tenacity, rudeness and an almost automatic contradiction of other people' different opinions.

I know I shouldn't and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but with my OCD I can sometimes be more suggestible than I'd like, and I find it hard to just walk away from discussions that seem to go nowhere. A nagging voice tells me that if I walk away, even after hours, I'm somehow conceding defeat or showing I can't handle an opposing point of view. Then I feel like I have to pointlessly memorize certain words and things, too, which doesn't help. I've literally lost sleep over it and that's made me all the more irritable and it's driving me off the deep end...:(

Saying this stuff here because it's probably a better option than Facebook or something.

I can get the same way sometimes, but it's gotten a lot better since I realized that some people just won't be convinced. Internet discussions aren't actually about convincing the person you are arguing with, usually that's a lost cause because the internet removes humanity and allows ego and pride to take almost complete control. Internet arguments are really about convincing any outside observers of the argument that you were right. It's all a show, you direct the other person to react as you want them to so you can make the points that you want to, while they try to do the same thing. Once you realize that you aren't actually arguing directly with your target audience, it's a lot easier to just make your point and leave the discussion. At least, it was for me.

[Art Vandelay]

For the past week or so I keep getting compulsively dragged back into an endless comment war on YouTube. I hesitate to throw around the term "troll", but it's one of those things where someone seems more keen on 'winning' a 'debate' through sheer tenacity, rudeness and an almost automatic contradiction of other people' different opinions.

I know I shouldn't and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but with my OCD I can sometimes be more suggestible than I'd like, and I find it hard to just walk away from discussions that seem to go nowhere. A nagging voice tells me that if I walk away, even after hours, I'm somehow conceding defeat or showing I can't handle an opposing point of view. Then I feel like I have to pointlessly memorize certain words and things, too, which doesn't help. I've literally lost sleep over it and that's made me all the more irritable and it's driving me off the deep end...:(

Saying this stuff here because it's probably a better option than Facebook or something.

I think it was Bill Burr who said that about 9% of people on the internet are decent humans, the rest are assholes - he may have even been a bit too generous with that 9% estimation. You have a finite amount of time on this planet my man, you gotta pick your battles.

[Futility Personified]

Amen to 9mm, never forget that half the time, antagonism is the air that youtube comments, or yahoo comments in particular, breathe from. They are not organs to proliferate class struggle, they are more right wing than Eva Braun's lopsided parrakeet and they are not going to be won over by anything. They make me grateful for anti-fa, as these people are immune to reason. It feels awful letting such a seemingly important mode of communication become that of fash, but really, are you going to convince them? A lot of them are old fucks who'll be dead soon anyway.

[The Intransigent Faction]

Amen to 9mm, never forget that half the time, antagonism is the air that youtube comments, or yahoo comments in particular, breathe from. They are not organs to proliferate class struggle, they are more right wing than Eva Braun's lopsided parrakeet and they are not going to be won over by anything. They make me grateful for anti-fa, as these people are immune to reason. It feels awful letting such a seemingly important mode of communication become that of fash, but really, are you going to convince them? A lot of them are old fucks who'll be dead soon anyway.

It's not even confined to explicitly political topics, but yeah, point taken. Sometimes even initially 'reasonable-sounding' people turn out that way, too.

[Lily Briscoe]

I had a really great last couple of days and then completely had the wind knocked out of me with horrible depression just early this morning and I don't know why. I don't think there's a reason. I feel fucking awful though. Like if I could just be done without hurting the people I love, there wouldn't be a split second of hesitation and I mean that, it isn't scary to me at all. What is horrifying is wondering how many more years I'm gonna have to do this for. I feel like that girl died like 15 years ago anyway, and I'm just some weird ghost stuck haunting the little vacuum she left.

What's even more pathetic is that I'm 26 years old, posting on what's supposed to be a political discussion forum the equivalent of some emo 14-year-old whining on their livejournal in 2004. I'm super drunk, idk how long til I've exhausted that excuse

[Ele'ill]

I had a really great last couple of days and then completely had the wind knocked out of me with horrible depression just early this morning and I don't know why. I don't think there's a reason. I feel fucking awful though. Like if I could just be done without hurting the people I love, there wouldn't be a split second of hesitation and I mean that, it isn't scary to me at all. What is horrifying is wondering how many more years I'm gonna have to do this for. I feel like that girl died like 15 years ago anyway, and I'm just some weird ghost stuck haunting the little vacuum she left.

What's even more pathetic is that I'm 26 years old, posting on what's supposed to be a political discussion forum the equivalent of some emo 14-year-old whining on their livejournal in 2004. I'm super drunk, idk how long til I've exhausted that excuse


I am older than you and i am posting in here about experience with dating sites that is probably shit everybody already knows. It is likely shit that I have already posted before. I don't find your posts to be emo 14 y/o'ish.


I think a member of upper mgmt visited my profile, the question is do I visit back? Edit: they also flat out picked me/rating sorry i am a class traitor good luck with the revolution and stuff everyone bye. Edit2: nevermind false alarm w/dating site i am back. Also members of crossfit i just mentioned in other thread just walked into cafe area it was like cue Predator infrared vision mode sound and all I saw was hipster specs and a messy bun and a dude swivel hipping in place. And now everybody around me is annoying me.

[consuming negativity]

been combating anxiety with remarkable fortitude

it feels so far away from me

[The Intransigent Faction]

been combating anxiety with remarkable fortitude

it feels so far away from me

Good work. Keep it up!
I hit a pretty low point in combating it, to the point I'd consider therapy if it were affordable, but I'm hoping that within a few days or a week I'll be able to say the same.

[Sperm-Doll Setsuna]

Good work. Keep it up!
I hit a pretty low point in combating it, to the point I'd consider therapy if it were affordable, but I'm hoping that within a few days or a week I'll be able to say the same.

To be fair it's probably better to get on some meds than to go the route of therapy. Therapy is frankly of dubious effectiveness. Unless you're good at convincing yourself silly things someone tells you are true, I would not recommend it.

[The Intransigent Faction]

To be fair it's probably better to get on some meds than to go the route of therapy. Therapy is frankly of dubious effectiveness. Unless you're good at convincing yourself silly things someone tells you are true, I would not recommend it.

The anger could just be my insomnia talking, but based on my own past experiences with both, fuck you. Seriously. Fuck you. The last thing I need is you mocking something that's helped me in the past and telling me it won't work. Don't even get me started on what meds did. It didn't help me, let's leave it at that. Studies show CBT is at the very least as effective as medication, so don't start spewing crap about it.

It's probably what I get for posting about this personal stuff, but I don't need someone telling me something I'm placing my hopes in won't work again.

[Sperm-Doll Setsuna]

The anger could just be my insomnia talking, but based on my own past experiences with both, fuck you. Seriously. Fuck you. The last thing I need is you mocking something that's helped me in the past and telling me it won't work. Don't even get me started on what meds did. It didn't help me, let's leave it at that. Studies show CBT is at the very least as effective as medication, so don't start spewing crap about it.

It's probably what I get for posting about this personal stuff, but I don't need someone telling me something I'm placing my hopes in won't work again.

Go fuck yourself. Therapy did shit for me, did shit for my sister. You can take that CBT hogwash and shove it right up your arse.

[The Intransigent Faction]

Go fuck yourself. Therapy did shit for me, did shit for my sister. You can take that CBT hogwash and shove it right up your arse.

...I really can't. I just can't...

What made you decide to strut on in and tell me not to do something that's helped me deal with my anxiety a hell of a lot?

Your own anecdotes don't invalidate the statistical success of CBT and the stories of those it has helped, nor do they give you the right to put others down for seeking therapy.

I'm already at a crisis point without you lashing out at me like that, and it sure as fuck won't help.

[human strike]

Getting therapy is one of the best things I ever did. Few things have had such a positive impact on my quality of life. The limitations of CBT are obvious, but it does genuinely help some people. To conflate therapy with CBT is stupid anyway; there are more forms of therapy besides CBT.

[The Intransigent Faction]

Getting therapy is one of the best things I ever did. Few things have had such a positive impact on my quality of life. The limitations of CBT are obvious, but it does genuinely help some people. To conflate therapy with CBT is stupid anyway; there are more forms of therapy besides CBT.

Just to clarify because I'm really fucking tired, I spoke of CBT specifically because that was the form of therapy I did and it did help me, but it's been some years and I feel like I could benefit from going back, and from what I'm aware of it's a particularly common form for treating OCD specifically. I have friends with different diagnoses who would know more about different forms, but CBT has worked for me before.

[Kill all the fetuses!]

I know I'm a weirdo, but this honest hatred in Takayuki's posts, this absence of any consideration of anybody's sentimentalities... I find this... beautiful.

[Palmares]

I on the other hand, think we should try to refrain from any further flaming.

Let's keep it civil. :)

[consuming negativity]

been combating anxiety with remarkable fortitude

it feels so far away from me

alright i lied

i am freaking the fuck out

i can't even explain why it's so stupid i'm not even sure i understand why

shit i want some xanax

and sorry for the false alarm and all but i didn't know it would start an argument that i wasn't anxious

zooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooom and i'm gone later revleft ttyl

[The Intransigent Faction]

alright i lied

i am freaking the fuck out

i can't even explain why it's so stupid i'm not even sure i understand why

shit i want some xanax

and sorry for the false alarm and all but i didn't know it would start an argument that i wasn't anxious

zooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooom and i'm gone later revleft ttyl

:(

[Kill all the fetuses!]

There is this friend of mine - she's a darling of my the time when I was a teenager. She lived in the other side of the country so we almost never met - I think we met twice during all these years. Despite that or rather because of that we were extremely close - she was the closest person I've ever had in my life. Then, rather naturally, we didn't speak for some time, then we spoke again. This stop-talking-then-talk-again thingy happened mostly when I was studying abroad.

Now we are living in the same city, we met recently. But everything's changed and I wouldn't even say that we are that close anymore. A friend? Sure. The closest person I've ever had in my life? Er, not anymore. And we just talked recently about this - we both understood and agreed that it's not coming back and this connection of ours could only exist and flourish when we were teenagers at the verge of adulthood. This realisation, which was always there, but I never brought it up, that realisation was hearth-breaking.

Since throughout my life I moved from a place to place, leaving people behind and since I am the sort of person that just loses everyone around (not strictly through my own effort), now I feel extremely lonely again, considering that I got into a small fight with a friend that I met once I moved into the city rather recently. I do have people I know, sure, but nobody that I would consider even remotely close. But it's shit that I am used to, I've never really had a person so close to me as the darling of mine, which I mentioned at the beginning, but even then... Eh, nevermind.

Life's shit - it's always been shit.

[Ele'ill]

labor/good citizens/the better management/the civil disourse/the reasonable alternative have decided to rise above their feelings of anger and embrace private ownership in respectable dialogue that they beleive is mutually beneficial and actually trumps action.


I am going to drink 2 or 3 40's tonight

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I just wanted to end it all the other night. My bipolar disorder has been off the charts bad the past few weeks. Both of my partners were there for me, though. I don't know what I'd do without them.

[Lily Briscoe]

^Have you ever tried mood-stabilizers (not necessarily recommending it, just curious)? I was (imo mis-)diagnosed as bipolar when I was younger and had awful results with them, but I have family members who have the typical 'presentation' (I.e. recurring periods of mania lasting several weeks) and lithium has been really helpful.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

^Have you ever tried mood-stabilizers (not necessarily recommending it, just curious)? I was (imo mis-)diagnosed as bipolar when I was younger and had awful results with them, but I have family members who have the typical 'presentation' (I.e. recurring periods of mania lasting several weeks) and lithium has been really helpful.
I've tried several meds. The one that was the most effective raised my blood pressure to dangerous levels, so I had to be taken off of it. So I'm still working with my care provider to find something else that can be effective. They don't think lithium is a good option for me. In the meantime, it's a struggle.

[Sperm-Doll Setsuna]

^I have to take blood pressure medication and I'm not even 30. Doom.

Fucking diabetes.

[Ele'ill]

http://www.anarchistnews.org/content/new-and-improved-anarchy

this + the comments made me feel better this morning so I thought I'd share it here

[BIXX]

http://www.anarchistnews.org/content/new-and-improved-anarchy

this + the comments made me feel better this morning so I thought I'd share it here
Oh yes that is wonderful. At first when I read the article I was like "wtf dude" but then I realized you wanted UA to read the comments to and it made it all better.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

Reading about another trans teen committing suicide, and I just have had enough. Parents who love their prejudices more than they love their children are disgusting.

[cyu]

Parents who love their prejudices more than they love their children are disgusting.

Parents want to be proud of their children. Society has made them ashamed of their children. Instead of puffing up and pointing to their child, saying "That's *my* kid!" they instead think "You are making me look bad!"

It's pretty pitiful how many useless deaths have resulted from shame and shared shame.

[human strike]

Anxiety. Paranoia. Depression. Loneliness. Fear. Somehow I still manage to leave the house every day. It's difficult at times like this when I'm either feeling too distant from friends or my other friends are all in spaces in which I don't feel safe. Walk into pub, see two scary people, turn around, leave. Back to sit in front of my fucking laptop in this fucking cell I've made myself. And my fucking head is always werring away constantly thinking about the same shit and I wish it would shut the fuck up and get over it.

[Futility Personified]

Not sure if something has happened to cause a situation with scary people, although I know the feeling that sometimes going into a public space where people are boozing and you are a bit vulnerable is like playing chicken with yourself. "I'll be fine, I have every right to be here, I hope they say something, i'll tell them a fucking thing or two..." then 5 seconds later "oh shit they looked at me god I hope if they attack me hitting them with a glass in self defence is justifiable I don't want the shit kicked out of me and prison just seems so dreary"

The laptop cell however.... I was reading in the big issue the other day something that crops up quite frequently, despite being obvious as fuck. Noone ever gets anything done with an internet connection. I have lots to do tonight, flaked on a commitment to do something ages ago and only just recalled it. Yet i'm on revleft! Bugger.

[Palmares]

http://www.anarchistnews.org/content/new-and-improved-anarchy

this + the comments made me feel better this morning so I thought I'd share it here

Usually I hate anarchist news, due to the overwhelming presence of trolls. But in this case, I'm with the trolls! :lol:

[Bala Perdida]

I dropped out of my other tech class. Shame, that one is actually useful for what I plan on in the future, but I already missed 2 classes in a row within the first 4 classes. Also they're 4 and 1/2 hour classes for something introductory. I already decided I'm dropping out at the end of the semester anyways. Now I just have 2 classes that won't help me. I'll see if I make it the rest of the semester. I'm mostly still going just to not be home. Now I'll put more focus into getting a second job.

[consuming negativity]

i really want a hug and someone to talk to. i can't even remember the last time someone hugged me. like i know there is this whole depressed thing where people will think that they have nobody and everybody hates them and yadda yadda and this isn't that. i actually factually know that i have nobody that i can lean on or express myself to. it's not even a romantic thing. it's a basic human thing, to have friends and a support system and people who give a fuck but i don't have that and i haven't for a long time. and it's just fucking hard to convince yourself to keep going when keeping on going is the thing that's killing you and the only person you're living for thinks it would be easier to stop putting yourself through it and just check out now.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

Not sure if something has happened to cause a situation with scary people, although I know the feeling that sometimes going into a public space where people are boozing and you are a bit vulnerable is like playing chicken with yourself. "I'll be fine, I have every right to be here, I hope they say something, i'll tell them a fucking thing or two..." then 5 seconds later "oh shit they looked at me god I hope if they attack me hitting them with a glass in self defence is justifiable I don't want the shit kicked out of me and prison just seems so dreary"

The laptop cell however.... I was reading in the big issue the other day something that crops up quite frequently, despite being obvious as fuck. Noone ever gets anything done with an internet connection. I have lots to do tonight, flaked on a commitment to do something ages ago and only just recalled it. Yet i'm on revleft! Bugger.

I've had more random strangers try to start shit with me in the last three years then in my entire life. I really assumed the level of aggression would dissipate as I got older but it hasn't. I actually have shit to lose by fighting now, so I just have to ignore it but good god its hard. I don't know if it's because I'm hanging around with a woman now or what but I'm attracting assholes like a fucking magnet

[human strike]

Strangers are easier to deal with than people you know who have threatened to kill you. Not that I saw any of those people last night, just one of their friends and an ex-girlfriend, but that was enough. (I don't think I could deal with how crowded it was anyway. When you're paranoid every person in a crowd is a potential danger and I often dissociate in noisy busy places anyway.) Probably most of the places I want to go or things I want to do I don't do now because of this and I'm usually on edge when I'm out the house, especially in my own neighbourhood. It's a shitty way to have to live. If I meet a friend I haven't seen in a while all I can think is, "Does this person hate me now?" But to be honest that rarely happens due to how much I'm avoiding places and people. I am making an effort with new places and new people but that can be very tiring when you're so down and triggers different, older fears..