Sinister Intents
18th October 2014, 02:20
I figured this thread would be useful those amongst us who have rather negative coping mechanisms such as cutting, ripping your hair out, and so on. This is all just from my own perspective and from my own personal experiences.
When I was little I used to blame myself for everything negative that would happen to me. This was a result from being bullied rather extremely and to cope with the fact that I knew I was different. I used to try to fight back against the people that would torment me, but it always back-fired on me and I ended up in deeper trouble and dealing with more stress and anxiety, followed by depression. I began turning on myself, blaming myself for my problems and thinking it was all my fault and then I would rip my hair out and rip apart scabs and minor calluses. At first it was a nervous response to triggers and I would do it to take my mind off of the negativity and if I kept doing it it'd relieve my stress to an extent and I'd begin feeling pretty happy. Then I'd get triggered again, into further anxiety often leading to panic attacks where I'd be on the floor crying, my heart pounding, my face being very numb and then feeling very disoriented. It became such a cycle when I'd get bullied I'd lash out on myself and others threatening to kill myself or hurt myself, and I'd threaten to mutilate others as I'd be ripping my hair out and tearing at my skin often until I'd by bleeding. I didn't get any help from my parents who thought that I was just going through a phase and my constant cries for help had a cry wolf effect where even the principal of the school suspended me so that he wouldn't have to deal with me being in his office. I cut myself for the first time that night and didn't do it again for years.
Over time I just pushed things further and further into the back of my mind and I kept getting this build up of negativity and hate, so much it became addicting to hate, to be angry, to self harm, to threaten others and to hurt others because no one helped me, no one gave me or taught me the proper coping tools for stress, nor did the fact that I struggled vastly with social situations help me. I had no idea what to do and I kept ripping my hair out and picking at every scab on my body until it'd leave minor scars and go away. I could hide the minor scars of excoriation easily and I'd often get a euphoric feeling from it, what I got tired of was ripping my hair out.
What I did was I began to identify the causes for why I'd rip my hair out, but it really wasn't working because I didn't know what I was doing or how to properly self-help. I didn't turn to others because of my continual negative experiences with authority figures, outside of my parents, who I hid a lot of things from. I began by giving myself distractions so that I wouldn't rip my hair out, which actually helped me stop excoriating for a couple years. I would distract myself by folding plastic, paper, metal objects until I couldn't fold them any more because the bends would get too small, the object would break or snap, I'd hurt myself with the object and so on. That became so addicting that bending metal and plastic was fucking my teeth up and my dentists were urging me to stop folding and bending things. I successfully stopped excoriation and ripping my hair out, in which the latter I'd ceased permanently. I wasn't having the underlying issues treated though and I'd still act out in severe anger and rage when I'd be triggered which would always result in a panic attack consuming me, followed by depression, followed by utilizing a coping mechanism, which would bring me a euphoria. The cycle would often repeat the next day at school.
Around 2008 I was doing pretty well and trying to fix my tattered image with my school mates who were afraid of me because I used to hurt myself and threaten them physical harm. People thought I was going to go postal at one point. I began lashing out on people to give me a second chance and to forgive me. It came to the point where I had people who recognized that I was rather fucked up when it came to mental health and they became my friends. Two individuals. Our friendships started out well, I'd punched the one kid in the face back in 2002 because he was annoying me. I left a bleeding wound on his face from my thumb nail. Within that year we became friends, but stopped talking for some years. In 2008 I was in 8th grade, I'd been help back in 7th. The cycle was bad with bullying and personal abuses with this class that was formerly below me a year. None of them accepted me as an individual and perpetuated my former classmates hatred of me because I was violent, cruel, a bully. I knew I was a nice person but I had my triggers, which I wouldn't have called them triggers then because I wasn't as knowledgeable at the time as I am now. I just thought I was incredibly fucked up, a retard that deserved to die. In 2007, my second time being in 7th grade I fought tooth and nail, verbally speaking, to reshape my image to my classmates. The next year people began to warm up, but were very afraid of me still because of my previous actions.
I'd stopped hurting myself the ways that I was to cope with my panic attacks and the fact that I didn't feel right, the feeling my body wasn't quite right for me, being sheltered as I was I didn't know a whole lot, I was far behind people because of my autism and because of my mental health issues I'd developed in the past. My coping mechanisms became destructive to my teeth and my fingernails, folding things was significantly better though until it became so bad I swallowed some of the plastic I was chewing on in my sleep. I purged that from my stomach and began having a severe panic attack and crying in the bathroom in the middle of the night while my parents were asleep and they expected me to be asleep.
I began trying to work on my relationships with my classmates. I was trying to make friends and be a friend and be nice and try to reshape who I am. I let myself bend to peer pressure, I let people decide things for me, I gave my peers absolute control over me so that they wouldn't be afraid of me. The bullying continued, but I was happier because I had friends right? The friends I had were abusing me, building me up to tear me back down. They convinced me I deserved it and I let them do it. I let people walk all over me for the next two years until I realized from my parent's observations, that my 'friends' weren't really my friends. The two I mentioned earlier were just plain abusive then, the one I'd completely ignore today, and the other is now a real friend.
The other individual became someone I could talk to, someone I could confide in, even though he was stealing from me every time he'd come over... He had his abusive cruel moments, but I loved him as a friend and we became very attached. In 2010, I'd began excoriating my hands and arms again, but the spots were localized. Brandon began noticing this and would redirect me from doing it. It'd get so bad that I'd miss entire classes for the long durations that'd I'd excoriate for. I began smoking pot with my father the same year which further helped mask the underlying conditions I still suffer from. I don't need to elaborate on my ex who I dated from 2011 to 2013.
What I'm getting at is for people to find their cycle and map it out. Watch your actions and pay very close attention to yourself. Pay attention to how every day things make you feel and do some soul searching to find out what the original cause of it was. Finding your triggers and why they exist is a good start for ending cycles of self destruction and negative emotion. I turn against myself because I, myself, became a symbol of negativity and I would take things out on myself because I felt I deserved it because of what people were doing to me. I became my abusers. I began taking things out on myself seeing that I deserved it for being so different from everyone, for being autistic, for being easily distracted, for just being so different from a normal 'boy'.
What I've began doing is identifying my cycle, keeping careful track of it and questioning why things affect me the way they do. As I type this I'm stopping to rip bits of skin off of my hands, and I eat those bits, disgustingly enough. I take it out on myself because I've internalized that it's something that I need to do, excoriation has become very euphoric. I catch myself doing it while I drive, I wake up doing it. I have cut myself before, but that didn't become addicting because it happens in moments where I'm intensely triggered into dwelling in the past, where I get flashbacks at times to the worst moments. I will never cut again because I hate doing it and it's so fucking horrible to do and it's scary to myself and I've developed a fear of sharp objects to the point where I can't hold a knife because I hurt myself intensely bad doing it once last year, and surprisingly I barely have a scar.
My advice to others is to map out your emotional cycle, find your triggers, find people you can confide in and talk to, find resources on the web, have numbers you can call in emergencies, and if you just feel it necessary have 911 or similar on speed dial.
It's a very great idea to join a forum where the main focus is on mental health, and in my case on one that's main focus is on being transgender. Having this resources gives you a place to fall back on when you're down and need help to get back out. I used RevLeft like that a few times which people hated :P I recommend doing a google search to find a site you feel is very great for your specific needs. Finding a user here can help out immensely. I have several friends I can contact when I need help that frequent this forum and I thoroughly appreciate all of their help and cannot thank them enough.
Finding things to distract yourself with is a very great idea as well. I have pieces of paper I fold into neat, tiny squares until I can't fold them anymore. You could start a journal and keep writing your thoughts as they come. You could write or even type poetry, anything that comes to mind to assist you. You could also pick up a talent like playing guitar, piano, et cetera. There are endless possibilities for self help if you need it. If things get bad while you're at a social event or something important, let someone know that you're having troubles and absolutely need to back away.
Try to find things that make you happy like music, art of various forms, a game, and so on. Finding things that make you happy is amazing. If you're feeling lonely, nothing beats hanging out with a good friend, a family member, or your partner if available.
Try to avoid your triggers at all costs until you feel strong enough to face them and punch them square in the face. Don't let your triggers control you and get so bad they lead you down a path, you get on the roller coaster, and the cycle begins, the wheel spinning horribly again. Try to find the positive in dark situations, turn the lights on if you have to. Your triggers don't matter, they're always in the past and soon they won't matter because the flow of time will eventually take you out of it. All negativity ends, so keep that in mind, it's only temporary and things do get better.
Outside of using self help sites on the web, and using friends. Try to find a support group, try to find something physical you can attend, say seek a therapist if you have that option and I highly recommend finding someone suitable for your own personal needs. I can't see a therapist until I get health insurance in January, until then I'm using forums and they help a lot. Having people there that can help is tantamount for self help. Don't let it become a crutch to use people and forums, actively keep working at your problems, your fears, things that ail you, until they don't adversely affect you anymore.
In general, completely avoid drugs, for they can be more costly than positive. I don't mean to say anything terrible here, In my experience certain drugs can be very relieving, but perhaps smoking a joint every once in a great while can help. Smoking marijuana has certainly helped me. Something that can help, something to calm you, but never let a drug become a crutch. I did mushrooms a few times and found it very therapeutic, my depression and anxiety melted away. Outside of substances the state cracks down on, I recommend seeking a doctor to prescribe you medication to help you. Don't do anything illegal or costly to your health, and cease any drug, whether legal or illegal, if it is adversely affecting you. Absolutely avoid alcohol because it is a depressant and more often than not makes things absolutely worse. Going back to weed and shrooms absolutely do not take them if you get very severe problems, because like alcohol, they can do way more harm than good. Do everything in moderation and do things sparingly, or alternatively follow your doctors instructions.
Well, I hope this helps people out and I hope this was a good idea. :)
When I was little I used to blame myself for everything negative that would happen to me. This was a result from being bullied rather extremely and to cope with the fact that I knew I was different. I used to try to fight back against the people that would torment me, but it always back-fired on me and I ended up in deeper trouble and dealing with more stress and anxiety, followed by depression. I began turning on myself, blaming myself for my problems and thinking it was all my fault and then I would rip my hair out and rip apart scabs and minor calluses. At first it was a nervous response to triggers and I would do it to take my mind off of the negativity and if I kept doing it it'd relieve my stress to an extent and I'd begin feeling pretty happy. Then I'd get triggered again, into further anxiety often leading to panic attacks where I'd be on the floor crying, my heart pounding, my face being very numb and then feeling very disoriented. It became such a cycle when I'd get bullied I'd lash out on myself and others threatening to kill myself or hurt myself, and I'd threaten to mutilate others as I'd be ripping my hair out and tearing at my skin often until I'd by bleeding. I didn't get any help from my parents who thought that I was just going through a phase and my constant cries for help had a cry wolf effect where even the principal of the school suspended me so that he wouldn't have to deal with me being in his office. I cut myself for the first time that night and didn't do it again for years.
Over time I just pushed things further and further into the back of my mind and I kept getting this build up of negativity and hate, so much it became addicting to hate, to be angry, to self harm, to threaten others and to hurt others because no one helped me, no one gave me or taught me the proper coping tools for stress, nor did the fact that I struggled vastly with social situations help me. I had no idea what to do and I kept ripping my hair out and picking at every scab on my body until it'd leave minor scars and go away. I could hide the minor scars of excoriation easily and I'd often get a euphoric feeling from it, what I got tired of was ripping my hair out.
What I did was I began to identify the causes for why I'd rip my hair out, but it really wasn't working because I didn't know what I was doing or how to properly self-help. I didn't turn to others because of my continual negative experiences with authority figures, outside of my parents, who I hid a lot of things from. I began by giving myself distractions so that I wouldn't rip my hair out, which actually helped me stop excoriating for a couple years. I would distract myself by folding plastic, paper, metal objects until I couldn't fold them any more because the bends would get too small, the object would break or snap, I'd hurt myself with the object and so on. That became so addicting that bending metal and plastic was fucking my teeth up and my dentists were urging me to stop folding and bending things. I successfully stopped excoriation and ripping my hair out, in which the latter I'd ceased permanently. I wasn't having the underlying issues treated though and I'd still act out in severe anger and rage when I'd be triggered which would always result in a panic attack consuming me, followed by depression, followed by utilizing a coping mechanism, which would bring me a euphoria. The cycle would often repeat the next day at school.
Around 2008 I was doing pretty well and trying to fix my tattered image with my school mates who were afraid of me because I used to hurt myself and threaten them physical harm. People thought I was going to go postal at one point. I began lashing out on people to give me a second chance and to forgive me. It came to the point where I had people who recognized that I was rather fucked up when it came to mental health and they became my friends. Two individuals. Our friendships started out well, I'd punched the one kid in the face back in 2002 because he was annoying me. I left a bleeding wound on his face from my thumb nail. Within that year we became friends, but stopped talking for some years. In 2008 I was in 8th grade, I'd been help back in 7th. The cycle was bad with bullying and personal abuses with this class that was formerly below me a year. None of them accepted me as an individual and perpetuated my former classmates hatred of me because I was violent, cruel, a bully. I knew I was a nice person but I had my triggers, which I wouldn't have called them triggers then because I wasn't as knowledgeable at the time as I am now. I just thought I was incredibly fucked up, a retard that deserved to die. In 2007, my second time being in 7th grade I fought tooth and nail, verbally speaking, to reshape my image to my classmates. The next year people began to warm up, but were very afraid of me still because of my previous actions.
I'd stopped hurting myself the ways that I was to cope with my panic attacks and the fact that I didn't feel right, the feeling my body wasn't quite right for me, being sheltered as I was I didn't know a whole lot, I was far behind people because of my autism and because of my mental health issues I'd developed in the past. My coping mechanisms became destructive to my teeth and my fingernails, folding things was significantly better though until it became so bad I swallowed some of the plastic I was chewing on in my sleep. I purged that from my stomach and began having a severe panic attack and crying in the bathroom in the middle of the night while my parents were asleep and they expected me to be asleep.
I began trying to work on my relationships with my classmates. I was trying to make friends and be a friend and be nice and try to reshape who I am. I let myself bend to peer pressure, I let people decide things for me, I gave my peers absolute control over me so that they wouldn't be afraid of me. The bullying continued, but I was happier because I had friends right? The friends I had were abusing me, building me up to tear me back down. They convinced me I deserved it and I let them do it. I let people walk all over me for the next two years until I realized from my parent's observations, that my 'friends' weren't really my friends. The two I mentioned earlier were just plain abusive then, the one I'd completely ignore today, and the other is now a real friend.
The other individual became someone I could talk to, someone I could confide in, even though he was stealing from me every time he'd come over... He had his abusive cruel moments, but I loved him as a friend and we became very attached. In 2010, I'd began excoriating my hands and arms again, but the spots were localized. Brandon began noticing this and would redirect me from doing it. It'd get so bad that I'd miss entire classes for the long durations that'd I'd excoriate for. I began smoking pot with my father the same year which further helped mask the underlying conditions I still suffer from. I don't need to elaborate on my ex who I dated from 2011 to 2013.
What I'm getting at is for people to find their cycle and map it out. Watch your actions and pay very close attention to yourself. Pay attention to how every day things make you feel and do some soul searching to find out what the original cause of it was. Finding your triggers and why they exist is a good start for ending cycles of self destruction and negative emotion. I turn against myself because I, myself, became a symbol of negativity and I would take things out on myself because I felt I deserved it because of what people were doing to me. I became my abusers. I began taking things out on myself seeing that I deserved it for being so different from everyone, for being autistic, for being easily distracted, for just being so different from a normal 'boy'.
What I've began doing is identifying my cycle, keeping careful track of it and questioning why things affect me the way they do. As I type this I'm stopping to rip bits of skin off of my hands, and I eat those bits, disgustingly enough. I take it out on myself because I've internalized that it's something that I need to do, excoriation has become very euphoric. I catch myself doing it while I drive, I wake up doing it. I have cut myself before, but that didn't become addicting because it happens in moments where I'm intensely triggered into dwelling in the past, where I get flashbacks at times to the worst moments. I will never cut again because I hate doing it and it's so fucking horrible to do and it's scary to myself and I've developed a fear of sharp objects to the point where I can't hold a knife because I hurt myself intensely bad doing it once last year, and surprisingly I barely have a scar.
My advice to others is to map out your emotional cycle, find your triggers, find people you can confide in and talk to, find resources on the web, have numbers you can call in emergencies, and if you just feel it necessary have 911 or similar on speed dial.
It's a very great idea to join a forum where the main focus is on mental health, and in my case on one that's main focus is on being transgender. Having this resources gives you a place to fall back on when you're down and need help to get back out. I used RevLeft like that a few times which people hated :P I recommend doing a google search to find a site you feel is very great for your specific needs. Finding a user here can help out immensely. I have several friends I can contact when I need help that frequent this forum and I thoroughly appreciate all of their help and cannot thank them enough.
Finding things to distract yourself with is a very great idea as well. I have pieces of paper I fold into neat, tiny squares until I can't fold them anymore. You could start a journal and keep writing your thoughts as they come. You could write or even type poetry, anything that comes to mind to assist you. You could also pick up a talent like playing guitar, piano, et cetera. There are endless possibilities for self help if you need it. If things get bad while you're at a social event or something important, let someone know that you're having troubles and absolutely need to back away.
Try to find things that make you happy like music, art of various forms, a game, and so on. Finding things that make you happy is amazing. If you're feeling lonely, nothing beats hanging out with a good friend, a family member, or your partner if available.
Try to avoid your triggers at all costs until you feel strong enough to face them and punch them square in the face. Don't let your triggers control you and get so bad they lead you down a path, you get on the roller coaster, and the cycle begins, the wheel spinning horribly again. Try to find the positive in dark situations, turn the lights on if you have to. Your triggers don't matter, they're always in the past and soon they won't matter because the flow of time will eventually take you out of it. All negativity ends, so keep that in mind, it's only temporary and things do get better.
Outside of using self help sites on the web, and using friends. Try to find a support group, try to find something physical you can attend, say seek a therapist if you have that option and I highly recommend finding someone suitable for your own personal needs. I can't see a therapist until I get health insurance in January, until then I'm using forums and they help a lot. Having people there that can help is tantamount for self help. Don't let it become a crutch to use people and forums, actively keep working at your problems, your fears, things that ail you, until they don't adversely affect you anymore.
In general, completely avoid drugs, for they can be more costly than positive. I don't mean to say anything terrible here, In my experience certain drugs can be very relieving, but perhaps smoking a joint every once in a great while can help. Smoking marijuana has certainly helped me. Something that can help, something to calm you, but never let a drug become a crutch. I did mushrooms a few times and found it very therapeutic, my depression and anxiety melted away. Outside of substances the state cracks down on, I recommend seeking a doctor to prescribe you medication to help you. Don't do anything illegal or costly to your health, and cease any drug, whether legal or illegal, if it is adversely affecting you. Absolutely avoid alcohol because it is a depressant and more often than not makes things absolutely worse. Going back to weed and shrooms absolutely do not take them if you get very severe problems, because like alcohol, they can do way more harm than good. Do everything in moderation and do things sparingly, or alternatively follow your doctors instructions.
Well, I hope this helps people out and I hope this was a good idea. :)