Pour Your Heart Out XXIII

[RedAnarchist]

Continued from here - http://www.revleft.com/vb/pour-your-heart-t188632/index40.html.

[Ocean Seal]

I'm posting more on this forum, and I think its a sign that I'm genuinely happy. I moved and I haven't felt this way until before I lived in my last place. I'm slowly getting my confidence back, and it feels wonderful. In a little while I think I might be back to normal. I'm actually studying and going to class.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

my recent inactivity is probably over as of soon, especially in regards to the 'serious' boards. Its not really a secret that I haven't been posting/learning/doing anything recently because of my horrible and declining state of mental health over much of the last year (to the point where a few weeks ago I was completely ok with the idea that I was going to kill myself and I'd started making preparations for suicide) and because my life plans had basically violently imploded along with my ability to meaningfully do anything. Luckily I have two really fantastic friends (who I think I've mentioned a few times, they're slightly hippieish creative types and they're a couple currently living in Liverpool) who invited me to stay with them for a couple of weeks in Liverpool to familiarise myself with the city and start figuring out what I'm going to do in the near future, and the benefits of being nowhere near Hull and my family have been massive. I haven't felt this energetic and alive for over a year and I certainly haven't been as able to read fairly heavy political stuff as I am right now. I know I'm in for another spell of dark-bad soon but hopefully it won't be as bad as it was before.

on a side note i'd kind of like to apologise for being miserable and basically inert in political terms, especially towards LCI folks because despite my initial enthusiasm I basically couldn't bring myself to communicate via email and stuff despite knowing one was kind of expected and I feel like I let at least some people down. Hopefully after I sort out what I'm doing with my life (i'm still set on living in Liverpool and doing a history masters) I'll be able to rectify my state of political sluggishness. idk.

it's good to be able to be back.

[Sinister Intents]

Do I frequently get pissed off by shit? I got lunch at work, the greasiest fucking pizza ever and I ask for napkins from my employee who is driving back to work. I asked and he said: "No use your work clothes like a boy, you're a boy right?" They don't know about how I identify and feel about that shit, but I makes me wanna beat the living shit out of them.

[cyu]

I have a new circle of friends, through Magic the Gathering, but I feel slightly distant from them. I know for a fact some of them have very shit politics but I don't feel comfortable starting something which in turn makes me feel like a coward.

Don't want to say been there, done that - but that sounds so much like me in a "past life" - although at the time, I didn't even consider what their politics were... more like, ok, here's a place I can hang out, something I can do, something that can challenge myself with and involves goals as well. Ultimately it didn't feel "enough" though - I can honestly say it's much more interesting at revleft than my MtG "phase" - but then, would I get the same satisfaction if revleft discussions were carried out "in person" like some kind of political support group? For some reason I doubt it.

Sorry I don't have any great suggestions for you. Maybe just treat different parts of your life as ways to satisfy different things, and try not to expect one thing to be some "soulmate" activity that's going to consume your whole life with obsessive fulfillment.

[consuming negativity]

Do I frequently get pissed off by shit? I got lunch at work, the greasiest fucking pizza ever and I ask for napkins from my employee who is driving back to work. I asked and he said: "No use your work clothes like a boy, you're a boy right?" They don't know about how I identify and feel about that shit, but I makes me wanna beat the living shit out of them.

That comment is pretty ignorant regardless of what your employee did or did not know about you.

[Sinister Intents]

Oh holy fuck is television complete bullshit filled with reactionary maggots that swarm the feces. Writhing like static on a screen. I'm so pissed, no I'm not angry usually. I just post here in PYHO when I'm pissed

[Crux]

To whom it may concern: Love you. Ok, now I will attempt to sleep.

[Sinister Intents]

I love you too

[consuming negativity]

I missed you all during that blackout...:wub:

[DOOM]

yeah, what happened?

[The Jay]

yeah, what happened?

Revleft looked into the abyss, and blinked.

[Sinister Intents]

My biggest crutch went down. ...

[BIXX]

I figured out what happened to revleft guys.

9501

[Sinister Intents]

Dude DD that made me feel great seeing that.

Well I'm in a fucking crisis

[BIXX]

What's the crisis?

Fb me if you wanna talk in private?

[Sinister Intents]

What's the crisis?

Fb me if you wanna talk in private?

If I wasn't feeling fucked up about my physical gender before it just hit me like a ton of bricks tonight and I'm just in writhing fucking agony

[Crux]

I coughed blood yesterday. Yay. Trying get myself a doctors appointment today.

[Quail]

I called the emergency services during a panic attack yesterday. I'm still feeling a bit silly about it but fuuuuuck was it an unpleasant experience. Plus I was meant to be getting the work that's stressing me out done, but I was too fucked up in the head to do anything, which has added even more to the stress. Have asked for an extension on the deadline for my dissertation because I don't know if I will get it done :unsure:

On the upside I've been prescribed a bit of diazepam for the anxiety. Silver lining?

[Sinister Intents]

Why did life have to become so much scarier?

[Loony Le Fist]

Why did life have to become so much scarier?

Reactionaries, my friend.

[Sinister Intents]

Reactionaries, my friend.

Yeah... Fuck I'm afraid :( I had to force myself into the college... I wish I could be myself without fear of prejudice and so on...

[Zoroaster]

Christ, today was depressing.

At least I have this to cheer me up: http://youtu.be/pGDzKZoh1K8

[The Intransigent Faction]

OCD. Intrusive thoughts back with a vengeance...at least I have music to drown things out.

[Sinister Intents]

I'm thinking I should do HRT, I'm planning on starting transition.

[Lily Briscoe]

There are always random hippies in my house lately. Who are they, where did they come from? I don't know, they're just here.

[Crux]

I don't know what I want. So how can I ask that from anyone? Or how can I give comfort and help, when I feel myself stuck in a maelstrom?

[The Jay]

I hate work. I don't want to go. I hate bills. I don't want to pay them. I hate student loans. I can't afford them.

[Sinister Intents]

I hate work. I don't want to go. I hate bills. I don't want to pay them. I hate student loans. I can't afford them.

Wanna... Like... Start a revolution?

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

I hate work. I don't want to go. I hate bills. I don't want to pay them. I hate student loans. I can't afford them.

this has basically been my summer

[slum]

first time i've been employed in a while and i had forgotten what massive fucking authority problems i have

i mean i dont even think it's wholly politically based, i've always been like this my rage is just irrational and unceasing

need to join a gym or something so i can punch things or i'm gonna get myself into trouble

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

I even get pissed off at adverts that tell me what to do.

[human strike]

Me and my girlfriend kinda broke up. Mixed feelings. Wanna just wait and see what happens. Feel like it's really down to her to fix though.

[Sinister Intents]

Me and my girlfriend kinda broke up. Mixed feelings. Wanna just wait and see what happens. Feel like it's really down to her to fix though.

Ahhhh shit :( hey I'm on Facebook if you need an extra person to talk to. I'd physically hug you if I could

[Crux]

Depression is a cracked mirror.

[Crux]

I want to go back to nothing, let's just go back to nothing. Sink below the water, all calm, all explosions, see the last bubble burst, hit the bottom never to return. No life boats, no oxygen, no blurry images, no sharks, no blood. Getting a little abstract here, I know. I do think about dying a lot.

[Quail]

I've just had one of those talks with my mum which was supportive on the surface but had what I think are pretty sinister implications. Like there was this not-so-subtle implication running through the whole conversation that showing my partner affection when we're out with my son or just in general when my son is there isn't something I should do. I don't have time for shit like that... I spent so fucking long feeling ashamed or worried about my queerness, I just can't actually take people seriously when they subtly try to make me feel like I'm weird or deviant or shameful any more. Because I know they're full of shit.

[Crux]

I've just had one of those talks with my mum which was supportive on the surface but had what I think are pretty sinister implications. Like there was this not-so-subtle implication running through the whole conversation that showing my partner affection when we're out with my son or just in general when my son is there isn't something I should do. I don't have time for shit like that... I spent so fucking long feeling ashamed or worried about my queerness, I just can't actually take people seriously when they subtly try to make me feel like I'm weird or deviant or shameful any more. Because I know they're full of shit.
They are.

[The Intransigent Faction]

I feel like I'm playing verbal Russian Roulette lately, but I haven't hit a loaded chamber yet, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

[human strike]

Maybe I was just distracted and so didn't notice, but it feels like suddenly everyone is very unhappy. I just spent the evening with three of my favourite people and they're all miserable as fuck, but I think we cheered each other up. I've actually been in a really good mood. I'm occasionally getting sad or worried but I'm generally pretty good. I'm worried she's really hurting, I'm worried she's not hurting enough, and I'm worried she's going to react to this over the next few days and weeks in a really stupid way. But I feel relieved. I don't want her gone for good - I more hope that this will be a proper wake up call (though it could go the other way) - but there is a short term relief that, to be honest, is enjoyable. I know I could fix things so easily - I've done it before and it is very easy - but it'd be a sticking plaster fix, and sticking plasters fall off after about a week. Things needed shaking up; something more significant than that needs to happen. I need her to show me that she's willing to put in the effort; she needs to fix it this time. Until that happens I don't think I should bother, not because I don't love her, but because (for once in my life) I love myself more.

[Sinister Intents]

I've successfully avoided drinking ^-^

[Rugged Collectivist]

The university really fucked me this semester!

They mailed out the academic contracts after classes started (!) and it's taking them forever to process mine. My inability to obtain a book voucher is severely crippling my ability to get work done. And I had such high hopes for this semester! :crying::mad::(

[Brutus]

Absinthe is brill

[Comrade Jacob]

Haha I'm on pass at last. Turns out skyehouse doesn't allow Internet. Just popping me head round to see how you all are. I plan to be out of hospital by new-year. Also turns out my original diagnosis of psychotic-depression was inaccurate, it's schizoaffective disorder. To all this may concern - jake

[Sinister Intents]

I overate, got extremely lethargic, and now I'm so exhausted and my arms feel heavy. Damn. Just listening to music and cuddling up in bed. What'd I do to my body?

[Sinister Intents]

My forum is down :( what the fuck? ???

[Crux]

The hits keep on coming. Going to try to run away the only way I know how. Getting drunk this weekend. Getting a break from myself.

[Sinister Intents]

The hits keep on coming. Going to try to run away the only way I know how. Getting drunk this weekend. Getting a break from myself.

*Hijacks helicopter and heads for Crux* Please don't drink :( it makes it all so much worse

[Crux]

Well if it isn't getting better...hey, at least I won't drink alone. Call it progress.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

repeatedly listening to the most depressing possible townes van zandt songs because my life is fucked

[Quail]

I feel irrationally sad and angry and fed up, partly because it feels like literally everyone I know is going to a gig tomorrow and I don't have a babysitter so I can't go. Besides, I should be doing uni work anyway so even if a babysitter did magically materialise then I still wouldn't be able to go. But that's such a stupid thing to feel upset and resentful over. What is wrong with the part of my brain that regulates my emotions??

[The Intransigent Faction]

repeatedly listening to the most depressing possible townes van zandt songs because my life is fucked

Hope it turns around for you. But yeah..."Lungs" is amazing.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I'm sick of being nice to people, only to have them treat me like crap. This is someone I've known and liked for 14 years, and she seemed to like me. Now I just feel crushed. This was a person I trusted enough to share some very personal things with, so I think I have the right to feel hurt and upset. I don't give away my trust easily. Maybe I should just stop giving it away at all.

[Futility Personified]

Oh motherfucker, you had to go and report me didn't you. A moment's hesitation, a bit of uncertainty and you pounce at me like a fierce beast. What sort of emotionally decrepit human being would take that as an excuse to exercise their authority over someone who gets paid fuck all? It might've been unprofessional for me to say I was tired, but it was certainly inhumane to use that as something to try and get me in trouble. Just because you are an over-entitled, rich as hell piece of shit, it didn't mean I was rude at all. On the contrary. Me saying I was tired? It was me holding back everything I felt like saying, so perhaps you picked up on that. But the unspoken contempt between rich and poor is just that, unspoken. Do you enjoy maintaining a facade of superiority so much that even the suggestion that you are a terrible person is too much to bear? I hope when you have your next bourgeois dinner party the appliance either explodes or your shite cooking kills everyone off with food poisoning.

Customer service, the epitome of begrudging servility.

[cyu]

In general, people are constantly faced with the question, "Why do I deserve to have more stuff than this other guy?"

In order to be able to live with themselves, people have to come up with self-rationalizations to calm their own sense of "justice" - the richer you are, the harder you have to work at coming up with all sorts of reasons why the poor deserve to starve and why they deserve to have their house cleaned by the help.

Deep down they don't actually believe they deserve their money, but they basically have to spend almost all their time trying to convince themselves that they deserve what they got - especially if they deal with a lot of people with less money - then their life becomes a constant stream of trying to come up with new ways to hate - otherwise they wouldn't be able to justify their position in society.

[Art Vandelay]

So I've got some good news. Over the past few months I've been able to sustain some level of contentment (dare I say happiness?) for the first time since I was probably 17. It kinda feels weird and I'm almost worried about posting this, in case it turns into bad luck for me or something. I've managed to accomplish some things that I always wanted to do and seem to be on the road to accomplishing more. On a personal level, things haven't been this good in as long as I can remember. Its almost as if I've come to respect myself enough, that I've begun to make the choices I always knew were right, but just couldn't bring myself to make in the past cause I felt unworthy. I've fallen into a certain rythym in life that I'm enjoying and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I know where I want to go and how to get there. I'm probably in the best shape I've been since highschool and have been writing about 2hrs a day (a hobby I always loved). Work is going well, I'm planning on moving within the year to a place I feel I can be happy, and I'm finally starting to develop some self confidence. Things just feel good for once. There are a few aspects of my life I still need to work on, but for once I feel like things are manageable. So yeah. Not even sure why I'm posting this, but I've spewed alot of dark shit in this thread in the past, so thought maybe it was time to post something positive.

[Rugged Collectivist]

Fuck! What is wrong with me? I've been back in college less than half a semester and I'm thinking of leaving again. I have enough sense to know that I should at least finish the semester this time.

I doubt my family would be happy with that decision, but they're part of the reason I want to do it. I'm tired of living in my dad's house. I'm 20 and I feel like a child. I consider it my life's work to become a psychologist, but I have my whole life to accomplish that goal. Once again, I feel that I should go out and establish myself on my own. If I can afford to pay for college later, then I'll go. The prospect of student loan debt still worries me.

Last time I tried this, I felt depressed because I felt like I was giving up on one of the few things I really cared about. But last time I was still in the same predicament I find myself in now. I feel like I can make it if I start over. The more I think about it though, the more irrational that seems. I'm very grateful that I have a (mostly) loving family that supports me, but at the same time I feel smothered by their expectations. I'm afraid I won't make it on my own, but I'm also afraid I won't make it under my present conditions either. At least alone I would be my own person.

I'm considering moving far away. There are severe challenges though. For one, I don't know if I should bring my car. It would be infinitely useful once I reach my destination and get a job, but I don't know where I'm going yet, and I doubt I'll be able to scrounge up gas money in the current circumstances. I could probably hitchhike or hop trains, but those things are extremely risky and I wouldn't have guaranteed shelter.

Worst of all, my semester ends in mid December, so I'd have to begin my cross country trek in the dead of winter. The wiser option may be to wait until the end of the spring semester. That would give me additional time to find a part time job and save more money for the trip, but it would also increase my debt, and the waiting sounds almost unbearable at this point, but I have to keep a cool head and learn to be patient if this is going to work.

You may be thinking that this is a terrible, irresponsible, delusional idea. Truth be told, I don't really give a shit anymore. I feel like my life is going nowhere fast and I'll try anything at this point. Maybe I'll change my mind, as I've done so often in the past, but I feel pretty dead set on doing this. I could probably come back if I fail, but it would be super tense for a while and it would ultimately defeat the purpose.

Heh, who needs a diary when you have Revleft? :o

Edit: forgot something. My car may need a new front axle soon. Yet more problems!

[consuming negativity]

I feel irrationally sad and angry and fed up, partly because it feels like literally everyone I know is going to a gig tomorrow and I don't have a babysitter so I can't go. Besides, I should be doing uni work anyway so even if a babysitter did magically materialise then I still wouldn't be able to go. But that's such a stupid thing to feel upset and resentful over. What is wrong with the part of my brain that regulates my emotions??

There's nothing wrong with you or your brain. Humans aren't always rational. Doesn't make you dumb, doesn't make you weird, doesn't make you anything except a human. And rational explanations can't and won't always get rid of emotions that you don't want to feel. I've many times judged myself negatively for feeling emotions that I thought were "dumb", so I hope you're not doing that, because it wouldn't be fair to yourself.


So I've got some good news. Over the past few months I've been able to sustain some level of contentment (dare I say happiness?) for the first time since I was probably 17. It kinda feels weird and I'm almost worried about posting this, in case it turns into bad luck for me or something.

I've had this thought way more times than I'd like to admit. I hope you're wrong this time. Sometimes I was and lately I've been wrong about it, too. Sometimes things really do get better.



You may be thinking that this is a terrible, irresponsible, delusional idea. Truth be told, I don't really give a shit anymore. I feel like my life is going nowhere fast and I'll try anything at this point. Maybe I'll change my mind, as I've done so often in the past, but I feel pretty dead set on doing this. I could probably come back if I fail, but it would be super tense for a while and it would ultimately defeat the purpose.

Last time I had this mindset, things got significantly better in my life. I took a plunge and I was happy I did. Not saying your situation is the same, but hey, who needs to be right when we're on RevLeft? :P

[Sinister Intents]

Motherfucking panic attack

[Sinister Intents]

The music I've been listening to is so fucking wrong.... No speed, no heaviness, no brutality it's just so wrong. >.<

Where's Sabot Cat when I need her :crying:

[The Intransigent Faction]

The music I've been listening to is so fucking wrong.... No speed, no heaviness, no brutality it's just so wrong. >.<

:( You must do something about that.

[consuming negativity]

If you didn't care what happened to me,
And I didn't care for you,
We would zig-zag our way through the boredom and pain,
Occasionally glancing up through the rain,
Wondering which of the buggers to blame,
And watching for pigs on the wing.

---

You gotta be crazy, you gotta have a real need.
You gotta sleep on your toes, and when you're on the street,
You gotta be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed.
And then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight,
You gotta strike when the moment is right without thinking.

And after a while, you can work on points for style.
Like the club tie, and the firm handshake,
A certain look in the eye and an easy smile.
You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to,
So that when they turn their backs on you,
You'll get the chance to put the knife in.

You gotta keep one eye looking over your shoulder.
You know it's going to get harder, and harder, and harder as you get older.
And in the end you'll pack up and fly down south,
Hide your head in the sand,
Just another sad old man,
All alone and dying of cancer.

And when you lose control, you'll reap the harvest you have sown.
And as the fear grows, the bad blood slows and turns to stone.
And it's too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around.
So have a good drown, as you go down, all alone,
Dragged down by the stone.

I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused.
Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used.
Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise.
If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this maze?

Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending
That everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend.
And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner.
And everything's done under the sun.
And you believe at heart, everyone's a killer.

Who was born in a house full of pain?
Who was trained not to spit in the fan?
Who was told what to do by the man?
Who was broken by trained personnel?
Who was fitted with collar and chain?
Who was given a pat on the back?
Who was breaking away from the pack?
Who was only a stranger at home?
Who was ground down in the end?
Who was found dead on the phone?
Who was dragged down by the stone?

[motion denied]

"It's 01:30am in a Wednesday? Good, let's be noisy, laugh out loud and listen to music!"
-My neighbors.

That's why it's good I'm not allowed to carry guns. Woulda whacked them in a heartbeat.

[Rosa Partizan]

I'd like to fall in love, but 90% of guys bore the fuck out of me and can't keep up with my eloquence and wit (wow this sounds extremely arrogant, but it's not that I'm that great, they just suck as hell).

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

hungover af

someone put me back to bed and then shoot me

humanely

[slum]

wowwww i do not have time to be sick right now ive been holding on all week and yup here it comes

ugh i feel like boiled shit and there's no food in the house and my paycheck is late and being an adult is hard and lonely, i could seriously die up here and no one would notice until i started to stink or rent didnt get paid

[Loony Le Fist]

I'd like to fall in love, but 90% of guys bore the fuck out of me and can't keep up with my eloquence and wit (wow this sounds extremely arrogant, but it's not that I'm that great, they just suck as hell).

Most people are asleep. It's understandable you would be bored by them.

[Hrafn]

I'd like to fall in love, but 90% of guys bore the fuck out of me and can't keep up with my eloquence and wit (wow this sounds extremely arrogant, but it's not that I'm that great, they just suck as hell).

As a guy, I agree.

[consuming negativity]

I'd like to fall in love, but 90% of guys bore the fuck out of me and can't keep up with my eloquence and wit (wow this sounds extremely arrogant, but it's not that I'm that great, they just suck as hell).

http://family.jrank.org/pages/1136/Marriage-Squeeze-Mating-Gradient.html


In choosing a marriage partner, the first requisite is homogamy. However, within those limits, it is almost universally accepted that hypergamy, a situation in which the woman marries up, is more common and more acceptable that hypogamy, a situation in which the woman marries down. Both husband and wife are most comfortable when the husband has higher status than the wife. The cultural preference for hypergamy results in a mating gradient: women prefer men who are of equal or higher status than themselves, and men prefer women who are of equal or lower status than themselves. The result is that two categories of people tend to be squeezed out of the marriage market: high status women and low status men.

The mating gradient is apparent in terms of height and weight. Tall women have trouble finding even taller men, and short men have trouble finding even shorter women. In more general terms, the mating gradient means that when men increase in status, they widen their pool of eligibles; when women increase in status, their pool of eligibles becomes narrower, leading to an exacerbation of the female marriage squeeze.

It's true... the source there is a bit "who the fuck are these people" but the information is accurate (and I wouldn't be surprised if you already knew it anyway).

[Leftsolidarity]

I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions lately, mostly today, and I'm not 100% sure why. I want to blame it on the fact that I've been sporadic on taking my thyroid medication recently but I'm also not ruling out that I might just be a short tempered controlling ass.

I've been pretty hard on my girlfriend about some rather petty (yet very annoying) issues like her being hard to contact when out and constantly changing plans (apparently it's 'going with the flow'). This would normally annoy me and yeah I'd probably be an ass about it but there's just something to this whole day that feels different. Even though I know what she's doing isn't all that awful or malicious, I feel the same kind of just raw hurt emotions that I did when we had a separation. These things are no where near the same level of emotional distress yet I can't stop feeling it. And with me, even though I know I'm probably on the wrong side of this argument, I just can't seem to hold myself back from criticizing and blaming her for all of this whenever I do get a chance to have a message or 2 back and forth.

Everything today has made me want to quit just about everything in my life. Fuck waking up at 5am for $32, I want to quit my job. Fuck applying for this job opening that I might actually be good for and enjoy because I might not get it and it takes responsibility.
Someone drank all my milk (again) and ate my frozen food, fuck living in this house. My girlfriend annoyed me, fuck this relationship. And fuck the fact that even though I really do want to say fuck it to all those things, those things are what I care about and base my life around.

[Lily Briscoe]

Just putting this in spoiler tags because it's such a long-ass post...
I think I started blocking out negative/painful emotions when I was a teenager, and I'm at a point now where half the time I don't even consciously know that I'm upset about something unless I'm upset to the point that I a) get in a fight with someone, or b) become physically ill (i.e. I throw up), and then only afterwards, when I'm trying to figure out why I threw up, I'll make the connection to something upsetting that preceded it. Like emotionally, I have this gigantic fortress with a moat and a dungeon and monsters and shit..

IDK, when I was 16, my brother developed an (oxycontin-turned-)heroin addiction, with all the horrible stuff that entails (e.g. pawning everything my parents owned, getting in insane physical fights with my dad [the only time I've ever called the cops in my life, it was on my dad and brother], lying to my mom that people he was in debt to were threatening to kill him so that she'd lend him money which he would then use to buy junk, etc.). And after this had been going on for awhile and getting continually worse, I became pretty convinced (with good reason) that my mom was gonna try to kill herself. And I had tons of my own, pretty serious, shit that I was going through at the time, but I was so horrified of doing anything that might push her off the deep-end that I just completely shut off my emotions and became like a rock in order to take care of her.

And I realized really quickly that it was actually way easier to be like that (at least in the short-term), just blocking out negative emotions, so that became like my main coping mechanism for everything after that point. And a decade later, it's become something completely involuntary; even when I want to access my emotions and come to grips with what's upsetting me, I can't get to them. I've lost count of how many therapists I've been to (it's gotta be in the double digits), and they are completely useless to me; they are seriously the last people on the face of the earth that I could ever open up to about anything, so it ends up being like I'm paying some arrogant suburbanite dickhead to engage in excruciating smalltalk with me for an hour every week, until I finally decide "well this is fucking bullshit" and quit.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this here. 1) I been drankin, and 2) I got in an argument with my partner the night before last about how I don't 'communicate' (which is a recurring theme whenever we argue), and I guess I'm just trying to get the thoughts out so maybe I can actually articulate them when it comes up again... like, if I don't even know what's upsetting me, how am I supposed to 'communicate' it to anybody else? It's not like I just 'don't wanna talk about it', although I know that's how it comes across.

Anyway, sorry for the novel, but I post in this thread infrequently enough that I don't feel too guilty about it. Probably wayyy more personal info than anybody wanted to know, but that's what this thread's all about, right? :p

[Rugged Collectivist]

I'd like to fall in love, but 90% of guys bore the fuck out of me and can't keep up with my eloquence and wit (wow this sounds extremely arrogant, but it's not that I'm that great, they just suck as hell).
Those are still decent odds.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

I feel like a puddle of goop

[human strike]

I'd like to fall in love, but 90% of guys bore the fuck out of me and can't keep up with my eloquence and wit (wow this sounds extremely arrogant, but it's not that I'm that great, they just suck as hell).

This isn't really a reply to your post, but you were talking about love and it got me thinking about myself (I like to think about myself rather than, ya know, other people). I think in the past I've often confused love with fear and the feeling of hopeless emotional dependency on another person (I say "person," but I mean 'woman'). It's interesting that now I would say that I am in love but I feel very different to how I felt times before when I've said this. So much in this relationship is different - better, actually, yet somehow it feels... I think it feels too comfortable. Previously there have been times I've felt this way, but only fleetingly. It's strange for this to persist. It's strange to feel in control of things. Strange to be acting like a adult I guess. I think in the last 10 months I've had to do a lot of growing up and I almost don't recognise myself (even on a physical level my appearance is quite different). I like the new me a lot more than the old one though, it's just strange to think about, almost like I'm surprised to find myself being who I am.

Sorry, that had nothing to do with anything, I was just thinking aloud.

[cyu]

it is almost universally accepted that hypergamy, a situation in which the woman marries up, is more common and more acceptable that hypogamy, a situation in which the woman marries down.
Seems to be a combination of two things - patriarchy and class society.

1. If patriarchy (or "might makes right") were abolished, even within a class society, it seems it would no longer be expected that men were supposed to be of higher status, and couples could more freely form across different class combinations.

2. Patriarchy itself is a form of class hierarchy - one based on gender, but if all other class hierarchies were abolished (including that of height), this effect also wouldn't make much sense any more, since there would be no other class comparisons left to be made when deciding what exactly was "up" or "down".

[The Jay]

I have a mustache now. I don't know what I think about it.

[Red Economist]

I think the best way I can start this is by saying the only real private space I have is the anonymity of a public forum. Revleft is my home as I just don't fit in anywhere else. It's the place I go to pretend I am the person I want to be for a few hours a day. Suddenly my personal problems stop being a liability to be judged and start becoming an asset to offer others insights that they may or may not find useful. I light up when I get a thanks because it means someone actually appreciates that I tried (but did not necessarily succeeded) in putting some thought into what I said.

In Real Life, I have no recognizable 'achievements' to my name, or at least none that anyone cares about. I'm a 'nice guy' and generally a doormat for my friends and family. I'm kind, smart and I do my best to be funny, but who I am doesn't really matter that much. They only seem to care about who they want me to be. It is as if there is this invisible wall between us- some level of incomprehension. As much as I tell myself it's because I'm not being open with them- when I try, they just ignore me, change the subject, dismiss it, or tell me there's nothing I can do about it. And then they look surprised when I have depression or feel anxious, and then a lot of them blame me for that as well.

There are moments of clarity when I am neither depressed nor anxious, and I think in the process of writing, this is one of them. As much as I would want to spill my soul out at, I want the chance to think and feel it over so I may know myself, if nothing else. There are now so few places in which I can be myself that I wonder where I could go. But in these moments, it is as if I can feel a deep well inside of me, a dark pit in which I could fall forever; an impossible level of comprehension, a stillness. And it scares me- because I don't know who I am at the bottom, or if I did whether anyone else would want to be with me.

I wish I was a writer- but that's something the depression and anxiety rob me of; the ability to sustain effort for long periods. If I could have moments like this more often I might find the words to say what I really mean.

[The Jay]

Writing for long periods of time should be thought of like a weight lifter's muscles. The more they are exercised, the stronger they get.

[human strike]

This isn't really a reply to your post, but you were talking about love and it got me thinking about myself (I like to think about myself rather than, ya know, other people). I think in the past I've often confused love with fear and the feeling of hopeless emotional dependency on another person (I say "person," but I mean 'woman'). It's interesting that now I would say that I am in love but I feel very different to how I felt times before when I've said this. So much in this relationship is different - better, actually, yet somehow it feels... I think it feels too comfortable. Previously there have been times I've felt this way, but only fleetingly. It's strange for this to persist. It's strange to feel in control of things. Strange to be acting like a adult I guess. I think in the last 10 months I've had to do a lot of growing up and I almost don't recognise myself (even on a physical level my appearance is quite different). I like the new me a lot more than the old one though, it's just strange to think about, almost like I'm surprised to find myself being who I am.

Sorry, that had nothing to do with anything, I was just thinking aloud.

I felt pretty loved up today - probably because we were doing things with other people. Spent the day with my partner and her mum which was nice because I see her mum a lot but she barely ever talks to me due to shyness (and I suspect also because I'm fairly shy and a white man). I've been wanting to get to know her because she seems pretty cool and have been told she likes me (though she's never really shown it). We went on the climate march, shared a couple of spliffs, then went to an anarchist social centre for dinner. Basically she's into doing a lot of the same things I am.

[cyu]

I wish I was a writer- but that's something the depression and anxiety rob me of; the ability to sustain effort for long periods

The literary giants of the coming generation will only be publishing in bursts of 140 characters or less :lol:

[motion denied]

I wish I was a writer

This. I'm completely frustrated about it.

And I strongly envy people who can write good shit.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's really distressing to me. I went from feeling like I have no future back when I was in PA to recovering what I thought was my dream that my parents had forced out of me, but now I'm starting to rethink things, in a way that almost proves my parents right.

I wanted to become a professor, but now I'm not so sure. I'm at least probably going to rethink my plans to study psychology because there's way too much biology involved and my brain doesn't seem to be able to grasp it. I'm going to see about dropping my biological psychology class and adding a late-start course so I don't lose my status as a full-time student. The bio psych is a requirement for psychology major so I'd probably switch to sociology. But I don't know if I even want a degree right now. There are so many requirements that I don't want to bother with. Plus I think I'm too bad at public speaking to become a professor.

Complicating this is the fact that I miss working as a veterinary assistant even though my internship didn't go too well. Currently I'm certified as being disabled and unable to work due to my bipolar disorder and I was happy about it but I'm not sure.

I'm questioning everything about my life right now and it really sucks

[cyu]

If you feel like there are too many choices before you, and it being difficult to decide which path to take, that's probably better than feeling like not having any reasonable choices left - which seems like something you probably felt back in PA.

That's not to say it doesn't still feel frustrating, but hey, one step at a time =]

[Slavic]

I hate bringing my Kitty on long car rides. She meows every six seconds for the entire trip and then when I let her out of her cage she has an anxiety attack. She starts panting and making raspy meows.

She isn't dehydrated because they drive is less than an hour but she always works herself up into a pant. It breaks my heart.

[The Intransigent Faction]

I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's really distressing to me. I went from feeling like I have no future back when I was in PA to recovering what I thought was my dream that my parents had forced out of me, but now I'm starting to rethink things, in a way that almost proves my parents right.

I wanted to become a professor, but now I'm not so sure. I'm at least probably going to rethink my plans to study psychology because there's way too much biology involved and my brain doesn't seem to be able to grasp it. I'm going to see about dropping my biological psychology class and adding a late-start course so I don't lose my status as a full-time student. The bio psych is a requirement for psychology major so I'd probably switch to sociology. But I don't know if I even want a degree right now. There are so many requirements that I don't want to bother with. Plus I think I'm too bad at public speaking to become a professor.

Complicating this is the fact that I miss working as a veterinary assistant even though my internship didn't go too well. Currently I'm certified as being disabled and unable to work due to my bipolar disorder and I was happy about it but I'm not sure.

I'm questioning everything about my life right now and it really sucks

This, although in my case I've already done my 'undergrad' and the possibility of a Master's Degree looms before me. I've been told it would be a great direction for me to go because I do well academically and tend to be the philosophical type of person who "belongs" more in academia than in the service sector, for instance. Honestly, though, I don't want to spend money or time on it unless I know what I'm going to do with it, and I don't have a fucking clue. I feel like I just need to do some menial labour for a little while to keep busy enough and motivate myself to think things over. Especially with OCD which I anticipate could make the sheer amount/pace of a Master's hell when I have to fucking re-read everything etc.

As for public speaking, hey, don't let that stop you. It takes practice but I've seen incredibly shy people vastly improve in this, myself included. I know it's not your only reason for rethinking things, but I'd advise not letting that be a determining factor.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

i'm having long, coherent and uninterrupted streams of thought about important stuff today so obviously i'm going to waste it chatting shit about libertarians on skype.

[Rosa Partizan]

So let me go farther back on this one.

Some time ago, I visited a pen pal site for US inmates and decided to write to a guy from Phoenix, Arizona. I checked out his felonies (something that wouldn't be possible here in Germany) to make sure he was no rapist or pedophile. He got 2 years for drug possession (several ounces of weed) and lots of stuff like bar fights, destroying public property and stuff, which dated back some time. Nothing too bad, obviously. There was a picture of him and the site recommended to send a picture of you, too, so that each other knows what they look like.

He answered rather quickly and sounded nice. His English was...well...my English was way better and I'm no native speaker. For example, he wanted to write favorite color and wrote faveret colore. Okay, that's not that important, but it really surprised me. He asked me to tell him about me, what I like, what I'm up to, and I told him about communism, feminism and stuff. He then went on like, yeah I'm a feminist, too, equality is great. Funny how in the same letter, he lamented about his ex. He wrote "she's a great cook and knows how to keep the house clean, but she didn't take care of herself the way that you do, you look way better."

Yeah, definitely the right words to attract a feminist. Whatever, he then asked me for nudes and I ignored it. In the next letter, he presented his request as a kind of joke, I ignored it again. Then 1 or 2 letters later, he AGAIN asked me for nudes, wrote about his sexual preferences, that he wanted me to come the US as soon as I've finished my MA and that he would get me a well-paid job and care for me and that I'm smart and beautiful and that he needs people like me. He also wrote me some love song that contained some really strange lines like "let's have sex in the back of a Lex, we'll pop the champaigne". I know that's mean, but I laughed my ass off and showed it to a friend, we both found it hilarious :o

But that was the point when I decided it's getting waaaaay too much and that he's super needy and I can't fulfill his needs and that in his situation of loneliness he's projecting stuff onto me that he didn't know anything about, like, my personality, my temper and stuff. I decided not to answer, I felt super uncomfortable with his letters, his requests for nudes, his future plans for me, all of these exuberant lines full of love stuff etc. Some time went by and he wrote me again, I ignored it. Several months passed by and by now, I thought, he got it. Well, nope. Today, I received another letter, he's like "I'm so sorry, I fucked up big time and you're so wonderful and I want you to come to Phoenix, by next month I'll be released and want to meet you and love you" and I'm really creeped out about his enthusiasm.

If you have some advice, go ahead.

[Sinister Intents]

I say write a letter asking him to move on and that this is the last letter he'll receive from you. Personally I'd never contact this individual again. I don't trust men like that, I've learned my lesson about contacting strangers. Vwry few are trustworthy.

[Rosa Partizan]

I say write a letter asking him to move on and that this is the last letter he'll receive from you. Personally I'd never contact this individual again. I don't trust men like that, I've learned my lesson about contacting strangers. Vwry few are trustworthy.

yeah, right? I feel really uncomfortable that he knows my adress and I'm kinda glad that he won't be allowed to leave the US for a decent amount of time.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

If he's harassing you, you can always contact the prison administration. I think I would have moral issues doing that myself, but it's easy to say that when I'm not in your position. A friend of mine was once the target of some bored inmate who kept leaving her very explicit voicemails and she had to get the prison to put a stop to it, I'm sure it's common enough.

My life like completely unraveled in one weekend. I just want to get in my car and drive. The realization that you've been deceiving yourself is easily the worst kind of betrayal one can experience

[consuming negativity]

Y'all are just way too trusting of anonymous internet people. I don't mean that to be accusatory, but look at this thread. Giving out phone numbers and addresses to anons on a website, sending personal correspondence to inmates halfway across the world... it's just like Christ, you all know that bad world we want to change actually exists, right? Jeffrey Dahmer was not a cartoon character. There is a place where they get all of those dramatized stories on shitty day time TV dramas. It's outside your window.

Which is why I assume all of you are cops, FBI agents, or somehow otherwise out to get me until proven otherwise. And nobody has called the cops on me or harassed me or anything else. Yes, it really sucks that things are like that, but that's the reason we're all here saying shit shouldn't be like that anymore. It's not victim blaming, it's reality. People can and will ruin your life, and you only get one. You can't just reroll with a sockpuppet and pretend you didn't make X or Y stupid statement in real life. When you die in real life, you are actually dead. Forever.

And you know what? If you don't want people flipping out and calling the cops to try to save your life, don't give them your phone number and then threaten to fucking kill yourself. And you know what else? If someone says to stop calling, respect their wishes. It's like, basic human interaction. And all of these mistakes is exactly why, even though the majority of people have good intentions, you still should not trust random ass people on the internet! You cannot control what they do, nor trust them to be rational and/or logical about shit!

[Redistribute the Rep]

lots of stuff like bar fights, destroying public property and stuff, which dated back some time. Nothing too bad, obviously.

Bar fights and destroying public property are nothing too bad?!

[Rosa Partizan]

Bar fights and destroying public property are nothing too bad?!

It's not something abhorrent like molesting a child, rape, murder etc, nothing I would be too upset about.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

I've written back and forth with prisoners without any trouble, I dont think it should be lumped in with giving out personal info or threatening suicide on a forum. Hopefully one bad incident doesn't sour the entire exercise for you, it really means a lot to have a reminder that the rest of the world hasn't forgotten about you and I think it's cool you're doing it. Just be careful with the information you're giving out.

[DOOM]

So let me go farther back on this one.

Some time ago, I visited a pen pal site for US inmates and decided to write to a guy from Phoenix, Arizona. I checked out his felonies (something that wouldn't be possible here in Germany) to make sure he was no rapist or pedophile. He got 2 years for drug possession (several ounces of weed) and lots of stuff like bar fights, destroying public property and stuff, which dated back some time. Nothing too bad, obviously. There was a picture of him and the site recommended to send a picture of you, too, so that each other knows what they look like.

He answered rather quickly and sounded nice. His English was...well...my English was way better and I'm no native speaker. For example, he wanted to write favorite color and wrote faveret colore. Okay, that's not that important, but it really surprised me. He asked me to tell him about me, what I like, what I'm up to, and I told him about communism, feminism and stuff. He then went on like, yeah I'm a feminist, too, equality is great. Funny how in the same letter, he lamented about his ex. He wrote "she's a great cook and knows how to keep the house clean, but she didn't take care of herself the way that you do, you look way better."

Yeah, definitely the right words to attract a feminist. Whatever, he then asked me for nudes and I ignored it. In the next letter, he presented his request as a kind of joke, I ignored it again. Then 1 or 2 letters later, he AGAIN asked me for nudes, wrote about his sexual preferences, that he wanted me to come the US as soon as I've finished my MA and that he would get me a well-paid job and care for me and that I'm smart and beautiful and that he needs people like me. He also wrote me some love song that contained some really strange lines like "let's have sex in the back of a Lex, we'll pop the champaigne". I know that's mean, but I laughed my ass off and showed it to a friend, we both found it hilarious :o

But that was the point when I decided it's getting waaaaay too much and that he's super needy and I can't fulfill his needs and that in his situation of loneliness he's projecting stuff onto me that he didn't know anything about, like, my personality, my temper and stuff. I decided not to answer, I felt super uncomfortable with his letters, his requests for nudes, his future plans for me, all of these exuberant lines full of love stuff etc. Some time went by and he wrote me again, I ignored it. Several months passed by and by now, I thought, he got it. Well, nope. Today, I received another letter, he's like "I'm so sorry, I fucked up big time and you're so wonderful and I want you to come to Phoenix, by next month I'll be released and want to meet you and love you" and I'm really creeped out about his enthusiasm.

If you have some advice, go ahead.
I'm still cringing every time I read this phrase.

[Rosa Partizan]

I've written back and forth with prisoners without any trouble, I dont think it should be lumped in with giving out personal info or threatening suicide on a forum. Hopefully one bad incident doesn't sour the entire exercise for you, it really means a lot to have a reminder that the rest of the world hasn't forgotten about you and I think it's cool you're doing it. Just be careful with the information you're giving out.

I guess it's easier when you're a guy. As a woman writing to a guy, it's somehow...you know...filled with certain expectations from the prisoner's side, although I cleared with the first letter that I'm not interested in any romances and stuff.

[Zukunftsmusik]

.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Bar fights and destroying public property are nothing too bad?!
You live in the US and don't know at least one person who has gotten into a bar fight and/or destroyed public property? :confused: I don't even mean in a "rah rah fuck society" way like that person who replied, I mean that's extremely common. Maybe I just associate with wild people.

Really?

I'll probably be in a minority here, but am I the only one who thinks having someone call the cops in a situation like that is incredibly fucked up? Let alone someone who isn't even there, or who knows you only over the internet? First off the police never make a situation like the one in question better, never. Family, friends, etc...these people can help...cops/hospitals/whatever nah, not in my opinion. Not to mention that getting 5150ed can have lasting and severe implications in someone's life. It can have some very long lasting and negative consequences.

That's without even getting into the more philosophical aspects of the matter, which is that one's life is theirs to do what they want with. If that's what someone chooses than its their call. Its not selfish to take ones life, what's selfish is to force someone to stay in this world, when they've made up their mind to leave and feel nothing but pain.

As I said, I could easily be in the minority here, and am obviously happy nothing drastic happened, but I think what took place is incredibly fucking creepy.
^^^ right where I am. I just read through the last two pages, what transpired, and yeah, I would not comfortable giving any of y'all my real name (a fake one, any time), much less my phone number or my address. You all are cool to type to every once in a while, but ... yeah. I moderated a forum a few years back and they didn't even get me real name. Call me dingus.

[The Jay]

You live in the US and don't know at least one person who has gotten into a bar fight and/or destroyed public property? :confused: I don't even mean in a "rah rah fuck society" way like that person who replied, I mean that's extremely common. Maybe I just associate with wild people.

^^^ right where I am. I just read through the last two pages, what transpired, and yeah, I would not comfortable giving any of y'all my real name (a fake one, any time), much less my phone number or my address. You all are cool to type to every once in a while, but ... yeah. I moderated a forum a few years back and they didn't even get me real name. Call me dingus.


What do you mean, ya dingus

[Leftsolidarity]

Update on my shitty existence. Found out my girlfriend cheated on me and has lied about it for a decent time now. Broke up with her. You could say she did not take that well at all, is begging me not to leave her though. I'm not exactly sure what I am going to do.

What I do know is that I genuinely don't know how to express my emotions and that I really hate my life right now.

[Loony Le Fist]

Just prepared myself some Chicken Tikka Masala after smoking a fat sack. Heavenly... the guests were beside themselves!

Thank you Atsumari for introducing me to making my own homemade Indian food!

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Update on my shitty existence. Found out my girlfriend cheated on me and has lied about it for a decent time now. Broke up with her. You could say she did not take that well at all, is begging me not to leave her though. I'm not exactly sure what I am going to do.

What I do know is that I genuinely don't know how to express my emotions and that I really hate my life right now.

I don't know if me giving advice makes sense now, as I don't mind cheating at all, but perhaps you could ask her why she cheated? I mean, I've seen situations like that several times, and the reasons can go from a feeling of emotional distance to a high sexual appetite. The latter is, I think, the less serious thing - the former shows that there were problems in the relationship even before the cheating. I don't know, I hope things work out for both of you.

[consuming negativity]

I agree. Don't reject her just because you think it's what you should do. If you can understand her actions and feel as though they were appropriate given her circumstances, there's no reason to push away someone you love. Everyone makes mistakes. There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. You have every right to feel the way you do. But you can use your mind to make sure that you don't let your emotions cut off your nose to spite your face.

[cyu]

I'm starting to see relationships more and more like jobs. If you like your job or relationship, then stick with it. If you don't, then you have to ask yourself if it's worth saving. If the only reason you're staying in a job or relationship is because of fear of the alternative, then something is wrong with society in general, and could use some fixing.

[human strike]

Speaking of relationships, I'm fairly convinced that it's now more a question of when I will choose to end mine rather than if. It's tough because she's not a bad person and she isn't doing anything wrong per se - she's very sensitive and quite insecure and she's getting hurt and I can't stand to see that. I love her and I don't want her to keep getting hurt by this situation. I've tried to help her and I feel like I've been patient, but she doesn't seem capable of seriously reflecting on herself or what's happening. This isn't what I want for me or her.

I'm also seriously doubting that monogamy is right for me anymore. This might sound strange to think in such a planned or calculated way when it comes to romance (though I actually think it's quite sensible), but I'd decided to take a few months of soul-searching through reading and discussing it with people before deciding whether to end my relationship for this reason too; though she seemed open to the idea of not being exclusive before, it's now clear that she really wouldn't be able to deal with that. I'm finding it frustrating being with just one person. I've felt this way in the past too, but it's been an intense feeling throughout this relationship. It's a feeling I hoped would go away with time, but it's just getting stronger. I have intimate dreams about other people (one person in particular) constantly and it does my head in.

Really I think that's second to the fact she's constantly getting upset anyway. I just dunno when I'll be sure or brave enough to go through with ending things. Fucking sucks.


Really?

I'll probably be in a minority here, but am I the only one who thinks having someone call the cops in a situation like that is incredibly fucked up? Let alone someone who isn't even there, or who knows you only over the internet? First off the police never make a situation like the one in question better, never. Family, friends, etc...these people can help...cops/hospitals/whatever nah, not in my opinion. Not to mention that getting 5150ed can have lasting and severe implications in someone's life. It can have some very long lasting and negative consequences.

That's without even getting into the more philosophical aspects of the matter, which is that one's life is theirs to do what they want with. If that's what someone chooses than its their call. Its not selfish to take ones life, what's selfish is to force someone to stay in this world, when they've made up their mind to leave and feel nothing but pain.

As I said, I could easily be in the minority here, and am obviously happy nothing drastic happened, but I think what took place is incredibly fucking creepy.

Sure, people should be free to make that decision, but in my experience people have done themselves serious harm when making this decision drunk when it's not something they would do sober. It can be difficult to tell when someone is sober on the internet and actually I think that if you suspect they might be then it can be the responsible decision to intervene. I've had to make that decision before unfortunately (though it was with a friend that I knew IRL). I don't think it's as black and white as, "One's life is theirs to do what they want with."

[BIXX]

I am not really sure what to say here.

I am not happy ever anymore. I don't think I'll be around here much longer. Someone last night asked me what made me happy and I genuinely couldn't tell her. Like, I wanted to find an answer but they all seemed so damn untrue.

My girlfriend is unhappy I'm pretty sure. It's probably my fault. I think she is just with me as to not be alone.

I can't cry either it seems. I feel like it'd be good to release all the pent up shit inside me but I can't.

I understand where tgu was coming from when they said what they did. I would be enraged too, even though SI had really good intentions. I love the shit outta SI, but I also know a bit about wanting to die, and I really would be pissed about the whole situation if I were tgu.

I honestly don't want to be alive but I don't have it in me to kill myself. One of my coworkers jokes about me going home every night and sitting in a tub with a toaster crying, saying that "I don't have the balls to do it". Which honestly made me laugh, and I wasn't hurt or offended by the joke, but it did make me realize that I don't think I have what it takes to kill myself.

Just rambling

[Quail]

I'm angry that my parents still refuse to acknowledge or talk about my relationship, but that's actually the least of my worries right now. Dealing with some intense anxiety and I'm stressed which is making it all worse. I'm worried about suffering a major mental health relapse so I'm trying to take some proactive steps to avoid that. I don't know whether to see a doctor about it or try and deal with it alone. At the minute my main plan is to write out a plan of action for every possible "crisis" situation (e.g. intense anxiety, intrusive thoughts/memories, triggers for self-harming behaviours such as cutting, purging, drinking, etc.) so that I can protect myself from doing anything dangerous and/or stupid. Something happened last week which has shaken me up a bit and I need to get my shit together.

[DOOM]

In all honesty, this thread isn't a good idea. Bunch of lefties posting a shit-ton of personal information on a board accessible for everyone doesn't really strike me as secure.
And the emotional outbursts aren't really good for this board either.

[PhoenixAsh]

This thread should be in the CU

[Lily Briscoe]

In all honesty, this thread isn't a good idea. Bunch of lefties posting a shit-ton of personal information on a board accessible for everyone doesn't really strike me as secure.
And the emotional outbursts aren't really good for this board either.

The random fit of paranoia that some people are experiencing following this drama episode with SI/TGU is kind of bizarre. Maybe people think this thread shouldn't be on here because it makes the site look bad or something (which is probably true to a certain extent), but the idea that it's some sort of 'security concern' is pretty ridiculous.

There is 'personal information' in the sense of people talking about their psychological/emotional shit, there isn't 'personal information' in the sense of people giving out their name and phone number or something like that.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Jesus CHrist chill with the drama everyone...


I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's really distressing to me...
Update: read a list of sociology classes and got myself all excited. Decided definitively to change my major. Did it today along with dropping bio psych and adding an Asian American History course that satisfies American History requirement (and sounds pretty cool). Still not sure what to do with my feelings about the veterinary assistant thing. Maybe I'll be able to work and do school at the same time someday when I've got my stress under control.

[human strike]

Speaking of relationships, I'm fairly convinced that it's now more a question of when I will choose to end mine rather than if. It's tough because she's not a bad person and she isn't doing anything wrong per se - she's very sensitive and quite insecure and she's getting hurt and I can't stand to see that. I love her and I don't want her to keep getting hurt by this situation. I've tried to help her and I feel like I've been patient, but she doesn't seem capable of seriously reflecting on herself or what's happening. This isn't what I want for me or her.

I'm also seriously doubting that monogamy is right for me anymore. This might sound strange to think in such a planned or calculated way when it comes to romance (though I actually think it's quite sensible), but I'd decided to take a few months of soul-searching through reading and discussing it with people before deciding whether to end my relationship for this reason too; though she seemed open to the idea of not being exclusive before, it's now clear that she really wouldn't be able to deal with that. I'm finding it frustrating being with just one person. I've felt this way in the past too, but it's been an intense feeling throughout this relationship. It's a feeling I hoped would go away with time, but it's just getting stronger. I have intimate dreams about other people (one person in particular) constantly and it does my head in.

Really I think that's second to the fact she's constantly getting upset anyway. I just dunno when I'll be sure or brave enough to go through with ending things. Fucking sucks.

Things escalated quickly (not that I'm surprised). Looks like we're on a break now, which is what I wanted.

[Rugged Collectivist]

In all honesty, this thread isn't a good idea. Bunch of lefties posting a shit-ton of personal information on a board accessible for everyone doesn't really strike me as secure.
And the emotional outbursts aren't really good for this board either.
Well, I'm pretty sure you have to register, and make ten posts to see it. Something I doubt most lurkers are willing to do.

As always, if you don't want it to be public knowledge, don't post it. I'm the type of person who wouldn't care if strangers knew about my depression, so I post here. The only problem I can see is if the pigs use it to gauge your mental state and take advantage of your insecurities, but I'm not too worried about that.


Rosa, have you considered writing to female prisoners? They'd probably be less creepy.

I have to admit though, that dude could be a decent rapper :D

[Rosa Partizan]

hey rugged, guess what, he considers himself kind of an R&B singer :laugh:
I saw him singing on youtube, it was so cheesy that I had to watch several Terminator-movies afterwards just to get my mind clean.

[Red Economist]

I am not really sure what to say here.

I am not happy ever anymore. I don't think I'll be around here much longer. Someone last night asked me what made me happy and I genuinely couldn't tell her. Like, I wanted to find an answer but they all seemed so damn untrue.

My girlfriend is unhappy I'm pretty sure. It's probably my fault. I think she is just with me as to not be alone.

I can't cry either it seems. I feel like it'd be good to release all the pent up shit inside me but I can't.

I understand where tgu was coming from when they said what they did. I would be enraged too, even though SI had really good intentions. I love the shit outta SI, but I also know a bit about wanting to die, and I really would be pissed about the whole situation if I were tgu.

I honestly don't want to be alive but I don't have it in me to kill myself. One of my coworkers jokes about me going home every night and sitting in a tub with a toaster crying, saying that "I don't have the balls to do it". Which honestly made me laugh, and I wasn't hurt or offended by the joke, but it did make me realize that I don't think I have what it takes to kill myself.

you're probably not truly suicidal (which is a good thing); but the SI-TGU thing is probably the moment you felt you had permission to say that this stuff is going through your head as obviously you are at a low point. But that doesn't mean you should feel any less deserving of help. everyone needs to reach out sometimes.

I don't know you or have your number- so I can't do anything other than say... keep fighting. here's a few suggestions;

1. Talk with your girlfriend; if she doesn't want to be alone- that means she will probably stay with you, but she wants to have more fun by being with you. make her feel special, she'll light up and then you'll feel great about yourself. take her out to dinner or something- it's not about money, just show her you care. There is nothing like sex, or even the possibility of sex, for taking your mind off your troubles. go on, show her your wild side and let your hair down. :grin:

if not. masturbate. it helps. it's never going to be as good as sex- but it will work in the short run as a substitute and keep you sane. And this stuff matters when you really don't feel you have anything else going for you- there's no shame in admitting it. there's nothing worse than having no sex life to give you that 'buzz' that makes you feel you matter and you're special.

if the relationship goes sour- I'd raise the red flag and get help from a therapist. if you're already in trouble and someone give you a push over the edge- that's not something you should have to go through alone. just TRUST ME on this one.

2. If you can't cry most likely it because you've been trained in to not doing it. Most likely you're a guy whose been brought up not to express you're emotions because it's not "manly" to be emotional and the reality is this is a totally unacceptable and utterly fascist imposition. But it's not always that.

I cry on and off and it's behind my parents backs because when ever I got upset as a kid, they'd treat me like a 'problem', hence I can't share what I'm really thinking or be honest with them. Basically, they'd blame me for getting hurt and it sucks. And that's where I learned the pattern of behavior that made me feel sucicidal; I feel like shit and other people will make me feel more so if I tell them how shit I feel- so I hold on to it and it pulls me down and in the end I feel like I'm drowning under the weight of all the stuff I haven't got out. This is not a good move. Crying is healthy if you feel hurt.

3. If you're contemplating suicide- death takes on an 'unreal' quality which is hard to get past. It feels like you'd still be there in some form looking down on everyone as they find your body or go to your funeral... and yeah- you get to laugh at them and use suicide as a way to get revenge on the world. be honest- that's what it's really about. Your angry because you think people don't care about you and you want to hurt them as much as they've hurt you. It is much easier to take out your anger on yourself than it is to take it out on other people.
Find somewhere quiet and private and get angry. admit you feel hurt. It can be really scarey to realize just how angry you are... but this is what tips the balance in favor of staying alive because it means you're giving yourself permission to fight for it. A therapist will tell you the same and if you feel uncomfortable and not sure you can do it on your own... this is the point when you should ask for help, so there is somewhere there for you when you go through the motions.

4. If you find the idea suicicde is funny- speaking as someone whose been in that place-that's actually a good sign. just turn it in to a joke. It will sound really twisted from the perspective of everyone else, but if you find a way to get a 'release' and deal with you emotions that's what you need. when you get to the absolute bottom- just laugh it off and think... nah, I'm still not that crazy.
Comedy is a really great way to let go and youtube is full of stuff people have uploaded illegally for your amusement. (hurrah!) When I thought about suicicde, the joke I'd play in my head was.... "my life is so futile... what's the point in committing suicide... maybe I'll just leave it till tomorrow." and by then- it had passed. I got through the day and bounced back for a while and each time It got easier.

5. You're coworker is an asshole. you're laughing at him because he doesn't understand what your going through and you resent it. being an asshole is fun and occasionally necessary so tell him to fuck off probably in the nicest way possible, but you can't be nice to everyone if there kicking you when your down. how you feel matters.
Have fun picturing you punching him. or better still throwing the toaster at him... maybe imagine ways you could have the bathtub falling on him. obviously, don't do it but it will at least make you laugh and that will cheer you up a bit.

[consuming negativity]

Awareness is like a drug in that you can't get something for nothing, and that too much of it all at once will leave you in a coffin at your own hands if you're not tolerant enough to handle it.

[Rosa Partizan]

Awareness is like a drug in that you can't get something for nothing, and that too much of it all at once will leave you in a coffin at your own hands if you're not tolerant enough to handle it.

you really, really gotta let go sometimes. Distraction and company can help, and yes, sometimes even ignorance. Ignorance is bliss <3

[consuming negativity]

you really, really gotta let go sometimes. Distraction and company can help, and yes, sometimes even ignorance. Ignorance is bliss <3

Yeah. Yeah, it is. I wonder how that fits into my analogy there...

*goes to work over-intellectualizing everything and coming up with nothing worth sharing in the end*

:laugh::wub:

[Rosa Partizan]

Yeah. Yeah, it is. I wonder how that fits into my analogy there...

*goes to work over-intellectualizing everything and coming up with nothing worth sharing in the end*

:laugh::wub:

I'm a bit torn about that one, because I find it appealing :o

[Rosa Partizan]

another kinda stupid and unnecessary post, but not a single day goes by that I don't feel fortunate for having friends that care. And it's not only about listening, but also about random stuff like asking "wanna hang out" or posting stuff to my fb etc. As a kid and also as a teenager, I was bullied a lot for having good grades, wearing glasses and weird clothes. In 4th grade, the teacher wrote in my report card "I'm glad that N. has finally found a friend and doesn't stand alone on the playground anymore." I'm even somehow, uhm, "popular" now, people like my company and I really haven't got used to it and appreciate it a lot, which is a good thing, and literally every day I think "wow, this is so much better than all these years before". Yeah ok, it really sounds stupid and shallow, whatever :rolleyes:

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

I think my degree is fixed because it says my dissertation has been reassessed and my grade is now a 2:1 (although the mark is the same, I assume this is a quirk of the process.) Surely I should be happy about this, but I'm not at all. It just feels like a continuation of me failing then scraping something back, lucking out so I can get to the next stage, a continuation of a pattern that's defined my life for years. And everyone is going to congratulate me and I'll be expected to apply for things and pursue something because I'm not in a weird limbo anymore

and my friends will want to go out for a drink and i'll have to pretend I'm happy and not just sick to the border of death with everything and I'll just fill up on wine and beer until I don't care.

[consuming negativity]

I think my degree is fixed because it says my dissertation has been reassessed and my grade is now a 2:1 (although the mark is the same, I assume this is a quirk of the process.) Surely I should be happy about this, but I'm not at all. It just feels like a continuation of me failing then scraping something back, lucking out so I can get to the next stage, a continuation of a pattern that's defined my life for years. And everyone is going to congratulate me and I'll be expected to apply for things and pursue something because I'm not in a weird limbo anymore

and my friends will want to go out for a drink and i'll have to pretend I'm happy and not just sick to the border of death with everything and I'll just fill up on wine and beer until I don't care.

That's a bunch of bullshit. You deserve it. Not the beer, but the grade.

I can understand the drugs. As someone who is about to be coming up on something that has previously changed my life, I can't sit and tell you not to, but alcohol can and will make even the shittiest situation worse. If you ever need someone to scream at, send me a PM.

edit: it was a really, really, REALLY bad idea to do drugs today. I'm coming up and I'd give anything to be coming down. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Why does my brain make me do stupid shit?

[Rosa Partizan]

So today I'm gonna go to a regular feminazi meeting in a pub, this time it's gonna be about anarcha feminism and I'm so glad that I've found people with similar interests, which is very difficult in a super conservative town with only 150k inhabitants. I mean, yeah, my other friends, even the male ones, do have a very positive attitude towards feminism, many of them even calling themselves feminists, but not THAT committed that they would join such meetings. And after that, I'll have chocolate ice cream #fatforfun :wub:

[Os Cangaceiros]

haha, "only" 150k

[consuming negativity]

Comrades, I've returned from hell and I've come bearing the kind of knowledge you learn from heaving over a toilet and crying for several hours on dissociatives.

The reason our emotions become overwhelming is because we don't accept them as they are and instead try to suppress them. Just like with children, with adults, with animals, with anything, you can't suppress your emotions. You have to confront them as they are, as they come.

During childhood, conditional love can cause someone to devalue their own emotions, thoughts, or feelings, which will in turn make them more likely to suppress them. And it makes us unable to handle our emotional workload because we keep pushing them aside and disregarding them rather than working through them. A good parent should be rational and impart knowledge onto their child without striking them or causing fear in any way, shape, or form.

Moreover, true love is that which enables choice. If you only love your kid, your spouse, your parents, or anybody else when they only do what you want them to do, that isn't really love. It is attachment to a certain set of ends and devaluing that person's emotions in favor of those ends. Not only is it wrong to do this, but it is abusive. A truly rational person does not defeat their emotions; they embrace them. A truly good person does not defeat enemies; they teach them. If you love a person, you will not manipulate them to your own ends, but will instead help them to achieve their own ends even if they are in conflict with yours. Two people who love each other will find that there is no conflict, because the ends that they want is the happiness of the other person.

[human strike]

I should be able to go to the pub without getting abuse. Last I heard from her she wanted to talk with me through mediation, now this shit again? And she's making my friends' lives difficult too - she's really drawn a line in the sand (though the exceptions she's willing to make are amusing). For months and months it's been her giving me abuse that I don't respond to in any way at all: it's a combination of undue anger and trying to intimidate me into not going to the places that I want to. I thought we had gotten to the stage where we could ignore each other's existence, but apparently not. It's seriously not cool though and any kind of mediation looks very unlikely to happen now; it surprised me she suggested it in the first place - I think she literally just did it to undermine me. How do I get her to leave me the fuck alone? It'd be nice if I could also convey to her effectively that she's been an absolute areshole. Ignoring her just doesn't seem to be stopping her, I wonder if it even has the opposite effect. I'm sick of taking shit from her.


Comrades, I've returned from hell and I've come bearing the kind of knowledge you learn from heaving over a toilet and crying for several hours on dissociatives.

The reason our emotions become overwhelming is because we don't accept them as they are and instead try to suppress them. Just like with children, with adults, with animals, with anything, you can't suppress your emotions. You have to confront them as they are, as they come.

During childhood, conditional love can cause someone to devalue their own emotions, thoughts, or feelings, which will in turn make them more likely to suppress them. And it makes us unable to handle our emotional workload because we keep pushing them aside and disregarding them rather than working through them. A good parent should be rational and impart knowledge onto their child without striking them or causing fear in any way, shape, or form.

Moreover, true love is that which enables choice. If you only love your kid, your spouse, your parents, or anybody else when they only do what you want them to do, that isn't really love. It is attachment to a certain set of ends and devaluing that person's emotions in favor of those ends. Not only is it wrong to do this, but it is abusive. A truly rational person does not defeat their emotions; they embrace them. A truly good person does not defeat enemies; they teach them. If you love a person, you will not manipulate them to your own ends, but will instead help them to achieve their own ends even if they are in conflict with yours. Two people who love each other will find that there is no conflict, because the ends that they want is the happiness of the other person.

Have you ever read any of bell hooks' stuff on love?

[TheGodlessUtopian]

"Sinister Intents" if you are reading now as a guest then send me a text. I have much to say to you.

Sent from my KFTT using Tapatalk HD

[human strike]

"Sinister Intents" if you are reading now as a guest then send me a text. I have much to say to you.

Sent from my KFTT using Tapatalk HD

Nice things this time? :) I don't think you can read this section as a guest.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Nice things this time? :) I don't think you can read this section as a guest.

Nice? Yes and no. I am in a state of mind to contact him responsibly, so I wish to discuss pressing matters relating to his conduct as well as my own. It will not be brutal dismissal if that's what you mean.

Sent from my KFTT using Tapatalk HD

[consuming negativity]

I should be able to go to the pub without getting abuse. Last I heard from her she wanted to talk with me through mediation, now this shit again? And she's making my friends' lives difficult too - she's really drawn a line in the sand (though the exceptions she's willing to make are amusing). For months and months it's been her giving me abuse that I don't respond to in any way at all: it's a combination of undue anger and trying to intimidate me into not going to the places that I want to. I thought we had gotten to the stage where we could ignore each other's existence, but apparently not. It's seriously not cool though and any kind of mediation looks very unlikely to happen now; it surprised me she suggested it in the first place - I think she literally just did it to undermine me. How do I get her to leave me the fuck alone? It'd be nice if I could also convey to her effectively that she's been an absolute areshole. Ignoring her just doesn't seem to be stopping her, I wonder if it even has the opposite effect. I'm sick of taking shit from her.



Have you ever read any of bell hooks' stuff on love?

Re: your question. No, I haven't. Should I?

That isn't to say that I didn't use many sources, though, even though I was ridiculously high and still sort of feel high even now. I actually completely plagiarized "love is that which enables choice", because I don't know how it could be better said. Besides, all of the most useful stuff is plagiarized by necessity for that very reason. Two of the most influential people on my thoughts are Rosa, who you all obviously know, and also a man who lives in Turkey, whom none of you know. SI also helped, but not to the same degree; and probably wouldn't consider me much of a friend. All of them are smarter than me, though, even though the former two probably feel a bit hamstrung by having to talk in a second language. I know you didn't ask, but I would feel guilty pretending as though it's all original when, in truth, probably none of it is. Although none of the rest was plagiarism. Who would anybody be without the people around them? :wub:

In response to your actual post for you, though, sometimes, you've gotta just assert yourself and say what's what. My 2¢ on that. She might not even realize how much of an asshole she's being. As someone who is an asshole all the time, I can tell you from experience that I very rarely realize it at the time. :lol: I mean, think about it. Everybody thinks the world needs more love. But who really needs it? Gandhi? Nah. The assholes need it. She's probably emotionally feeling awful. Not that you should take pity on her - you can understand how she's feeling and still be assertive and show her that there are boundaries that she's crossing. Not that you don't know all of that already. But that's what I like about people.. they remind you of things and you can bounce ideas off of them. Good luck with this, though. Nobody deserves abuse and you're completely right that it's gone on for too long.

Oh, hey, by the way, if any of you have any ideas on how to get me back to sleep without taking even more pills, that'd be awesome. It's 3:46 AM right now and I'm so fucking tired, ugh. :unsure: Maybe I should start by getting off this website :rolleyes:, but sometimes it's helpful to get all of the stuff in my mind out on paper so I won't sit and think about it anymore.

[Rosa Partizan]

All of them are smarter than me

Me smarter than you? Highly doubt that.

[consuming negativity]

Me smarter than you? Highly doubt that.

Remember how I was gonna save that thought of mine and get back to sleep? I ended up spending over two hours sitting there dumping my head onto a notepad. And after putting the pieces together, I took a step back and looked at the finished puzzle. Wanna know what I figured out? Had I just listened to your advice in the first place, I could have avoided the whole ordeal! :laugh: So no, I do not intend to make the mistake of doubting your intellect again. I'm good at learning things and I learned my lesson this time well. You are absolutely, without question, brilliant.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I love spending six hours in the hospital being forced to hold my urine while the overworked staff takes hours to get to me. Oh wait... no, I hate spending six hours that way. Long story short: when I was depressed I sent some messages to a close friend of mine in university and he, only just yesterday, forwarded them to the university. So to them it looks like I was musing on hurting myself again; I was not! I felt good today. Really good! Unfortunately a little thing like time does not (mysteriously) deter the mental health stormtroopers.

Jesus Christ. There is no such thing as a break for me. But whatever. It's my own fault for blabbing and thinking that people simply would have the decency to talk instead of ratting. I will get through it. Just some additional bits of stress and endurance. Nothing more. It's just irritating.

Sent from my KFTT using Tapatalk HD

[consuming negativity]

I feel so wonderful. I'm so motivated, so driven; it is like I could accomplish anything. Yesterday I think I decided for myself that I want to jump out of a plane one day. For anyone who knows me in the long-term, that sounds absolutely ridiculous. I'm the type of person who gets a little bit nervous just looking out the window above 5 floors high in a building. But it's like, I just know that I can do it. Anxiety is just an emotion to be experienced, and I want to push myself as far as I can go, and then push even harder, because I know that I can handle it and it'll feel fantastic to do so. It's... it is really indescribable. And when you've spent half your life on-and-off wishing that a bus might hit you and end things so you don't have to, the idea of a stupid accident now ruining what I feel and how much I'm enjoying being alive is horrifying to me. But oh well. I have faith in myself and in the people around me, and I have the tools I need to do what needs to be done with my life. Difficult does not mean impossible; to the contrary, it means possible. And as long as it is possible, I can make it happen. Fuck the system, fuck the rules, fuck everything and everyone that thinks they can stand in my way.

[consuming negativity]

I feel so wonderful. I'm so motivated, so driven; it is like I could accomplish anything. Yesterday I think I decided for myself that I want to jump out of a plane one day. For anyone who knows me in the long-term, that sounds absolutely ridiculous. I'm the type of person who gets a little bit nervous just looking out the window above 5 floors high in a building. But it's like, I just know that I can do it. Anxiety is just an emotion to be experienced, and I want to push myself as far as I can go, and then push even harder, because I know that I can handle it and it'll feel fantastic to do so. It's... it is really indescribable. And when you've spent half your life on-and-off wishing that a bus might hit you and end things so you don't have to, the idea of a stupid accident now ruining what I feel and how much I'm enjoying being alive is horrifying to me. But oh well. I have faith in myself and in the people around me, and I have the tools I need to do what needs to be done with my life. Difficult does not mean impossible; to the contrary, it means possible. And as long as it is possible, I can make it happen. Fuck the system, fuck the rules, fuck everything and everyone that thinks they can stand in my way.

In other news, I just got a not-so-great performance review of my work. I know I won't lose my job or anything serious, but I really did think I was doing well. Apparently not. Apparently, not paying attention to what I'm doing makes me not do as well. A friend told me last night she thinks I often become full of myself and now I feel as though I ought to admit that. :glare: I can't even tell which is worse. The annoyance from work or having to be wrong. :rolleyes: I even almost crashed into a fucking building earlier because I let myself become distracted with my own daydreaming. I strive for perfection, but I pretty much never achieve it. I try to look past the flaws of others but I find it hard to do sometimes, and I hope they are able to see and look past mine. And now I'm about to ask a professor I respect to give me a recommendation so I can apply for another job I really want. I know she will, but I can't help but wonder if I'm being misrepresentative of myself to ask such esteemed people to let me put their names next to mine. The stuff in this PM doesn't even cover half of the mistakes I've made recently. I think the problem might be that I confuse who I want to be with who I actually am sometimes; I probably won't ever really be as good and loving and considerate of others as I wish I was. I just have to keep moving forward anyway. What else is there to do?

[Loony Le Fist]

In other news, I just got a not-so-great performance review of my work. I know I won't lose my job or anything serious, but I really did think I was doing well. Apparently not. Apparently, not paying attention to what I'm doing makes me not do as well.


I wouldn't actually take it so serious. Managers are often under pressure to produce sub-par performance reviews. If their employees constantly got stellar reviews then there would be grounds to justify raises. They will always find something wrong with your work, even if you are doing great. It's a good way to keep everyone getting paid shit.



A friend told me last night she thinks I often become full of myself and now I feel as though I ought to admit that. :glare: I can't even tell which is worse. The annoyance from work or having to be wrong. :rolleyes:


We all can become full of ourselves. It's only human.



I even almost crashed into a fucking building earlier because I let myself become distracted with my own daydreaming. I strive for perfection, but I pretty much never achieve it. I try to look past the flaws of others but I find it hard to do sometimes, and I hope they are able to see and look past mine. And now I'm about to ask a professor I respect to give me a recommendation so I can apply for another job I really want.


Strive for excellence. Perfection is for abstract things like math proofs.



I know she will, but I can't help but wonder if I'm being misrepresentative of myself to ask such esteemed people to let me put their names next to mine.


That doesn't sound like it's coming from someone very full of themselves. :grin:

If they choose to put their names next to yours, you ought to be proud. Don't sell yourself short.



The stuff in this PM doesn't even cover half of the mistakes I've made recently. I think the problem might be that I confuse who I want to be with who I actually am sometimes; I probably won't ever really be as good and loving and considerate of others as I wish I was. I just have to keep moving forward anyway. What else is there to do?

I think that having an idea of the person you want to be is a great thing, even if you can't always live up to it. Don't beat yourself up if you can't live up to the ideal.

I know you didn't ask for my advice. I just figured I'd throw some out there and see if it's helpful. You always have helpful things to say, so I figured I'd try to return the favor.

[consuming negativity]

I wouldn't actually take it so serious. Managers are often under pressure to produce sub-par performance reviews. If their employees constantly got stellar reviews then there would be grounds to justify raises. They will always find something wrong with your work, even if you are doing great. It's a good way to keep everyone getting paid shit.

We all can become full of ourselves. It's only human.

Strive for excellence. Perfection is for abstract things like math proofs.

That doesn't sound like it's coming from someone very full of themselves. :grin:

If they choose to put their names next to yours, you ought to be proud. Don't sell yourself short.

I think that having an idea of the person you want to be is a great thing, even if you can't always live up to it. Don't beat yourself up if you can't live up to the ideal.

I know you didn't ask for my advice. I just figured I'd throw some out there and see if it's helpful. You always have helpful things to say, so I figured I'd try to return the favor.

I enjoy receiving advice from people, so thank you. But really, the reason I give so much advice has nothing to do with altruism. It is just me doing what I think should be done, with little or no regard for the feelings of the people around me. I disregard them because I am so sure that I can be of help. But I usually can't help people. And I don't always know better than them. And I shouldn't be trying to give people advice that they don't want in the first place when they come here and spill themselves. Because all it does is devalue the perfectly fine people whom they already are for my own ego... because I want to be helpful. Do you see? It isn't for them, it is for me. I am a selfish, prideful hypocrite who knows all of this about myself but somehow cannot seem to actually put it into action; who claims to be interested in the good of others when in reality all I ever see is myself and what I think is right. Sometimes I feel like Antoine Roquentin, constantly nauseated by seeing myself reflected back at me wherever I look.

And I know so well that people do not need to change, but find that impossible to accept when I am such a drain on the people around me. So what is a person in my situation to do? I have to change myself to do what it is that I really think should be done, which is to shut up and stop being so full of myself. In order to truly be altruistic, I have to take a step back and listen to the people around me. I have to do what it is that they want regardless of my own wants. But it is so difficult, and I struggle with it, and that's when I end up on RevLeft talking to nobody-in-particular here so that I don't become a burden to my friends.

You would say that my expectations are too high, maybe, but I don't desire perfection. I just wish I didn't constantly fuck up while knowing better all the while. It's like I don't even control my own body sometimes as I sit there doing things I know are wrong. I get so focused on a picture in my mind that I forget the present even exists until I've ruined it through not paying it enough attention and appreciating it for what it is. With a friend like me, why do I even need the enemies I make? I struggle constantly with trying to figure out how to stop myself from destroying everything I love and pushing away everyone I want to be around. And there has been a lot of progress. But the progress is so slow and arduous and it just frustrates the hell out of me.

[Rugged Collectivist]

My sister's cat died today. I kind of considered it my cat as well so I'm pretty messed up over it. She was acting sluggish for a while, then suddenly she just... I don't know. She started wobbling, struggling to stand. We had to have her put down, and we never even found out exactly what was wrong.

I haven't cried so much in a while, and I still feel an emptiness. Seeing her stuff here and knowing she'll never come back is surreal and depressing.

She wasn't even a year old. Fuck.

RIP Lola.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Fallout: texting my mother currently in an attempt to convince her that I am not suicidal. Results have been in the grey.

Honestly, everything has been so fucked up lately. I do not deny that I have had problems, or even *thoughts* (and only thoughts) about suicide but goddammit... I just want to live my life without people second guessing everything I do: I want to drink on the weekends without people assuming it is part of a plan to kill myself, I want to confide in my so-called friends without it them blabbing to the fucking pigs. I just want to be a normal fucking university student. But no, that s too hard. Make one melodramatic, intoxicated mistake and you are labeled.

Real to world to me: welcome, asshole!

Sent from my KFTT using Tapatalk HD

[cyu]

I just want to live my life without people second guessing everything I do: I want to drink on the weekends without people assuming it is part of a plan to kill myself

Start a twitter account and start tweeting inane gossip about celebrities and pictures of what you're eating. Act like an airhead online - that's what passes for "well adjusted" these days.

[consuming negativity]

Fallout: texting my mother currently in an attempt to convince her that I am not suicidal. Results have been in the grey.

Honestly, everything has been so fucked up lately. I do not deny that I have had problems, or even *thoughts* (and only thoughts) about suicide but goddammit... I just want to live my life without people second guessing everything I do: I want to drink on the weekends without people assuming it is part of a plan to kill myself, I want to confide in my so-called friends without it them blabbing to the fucking pigs. I just want to be a normal fucking university student. But no, that s too hard. Make one melodramatic, intoxicated mistake and you are labeled.

Real to world to me: welcome, asshole!

Sent from my KFTT using Tapatalk HD

Don't you think it's a bit weird that your response to being shown love is to shoot it down and make it seem like a problem on the part of the other people? You devalued their love before and it backfired in your face horribly, and yet you're doing it again right now in this post. You were being manipulative and found out that you didn't want what you thought you wanted - that isn't their problem. Maybe you should apologize for having doubted how much they cared, and show them a bit of understanding. Their feelings are real. They are in pain because of your actions; because they care about you and they think they're on the brink of losing you forever. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop making excuses, and start being the normal, loving, caring person who you want to be. You want them to stop thinking you're halfway out the door? Show them with your actions.

[#FF0000]

I just want to be a normal fucking university student. But no, that s too hard. Make one melodramatic, intoxicated mistake and you are labeled.

Well don't let that desire for having a "normal" existence keep you from seeking professional help if you need it -- and suicidal ideation (even if it's just ideation) is something you should talk to a doctor about.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

at least getting my degree through means for the time being nobody is really on my back and I can get on with sitting in a tiny office-room-thing at the top of my parents house all day. As long as I clean the house and cook tea nobody seems to mind and once in a while i scrape enough money up for a couple of bottles of wine. I can sort of work up the energy to read books sometimes now so in the grand scheme of things its not too bad.

[Rosa Partizan]

There's this guy, we used to date for about 2 months in late January, the whole February and partly March. I've been knowing him for over 4 years and we've had this long history of always being somehow entangled with each other. He used to be into me, but I was rather like "goddamn he's so super duper shy, really a big turn-off". Then the girl who became his partner was jealous of me and she managed to alienate him from me.

This was not a big deal since we never lived close to each other. I just saw him at some punk shows and festivals, since we're both in that scene and used to travel hundreds of miles for certain bands. Then in December 2013 he moved to the nearby town and we reconnected pretty quickly. In January this year we met again after a pretty long time, of course again at a punk show. He had changed so much, was way funnier, more extroverted, and had even become hotter. After that show, he still hesitated to do something, so I kissed him and from that point on, we were seeing each other, but it was only holding hands, kissing and becoming very embarrassed when looking each other in the eyes. Yeah, VERY teenagerlike, very unusual for me.

However, he had finished another relationship some time before that and our thing became too serious for him, so he dumped me all of a sudden and behaved really stupid when I tried to confront him, something which he apologized for after we took up contact in May this year. We saw each other a few times, had great conversations about societal issues, feminism (especially libfem-bullshit), music, veganism etc, but especially he makes me laugh so hard. Things seemed to be okay, although I know that I'd dump ANY other guy if he ever came forward saying "hey look, I think we should be back together". He knows I've had some casual encounters with other guys, we talked about those things very openly.

Then the other day, we talked about some people we'd been dating and he went on like "so I dated this economy student twice, she was boring as hell, but what would I expect from someone that studies economy". I was like, "yeah she's commenting on everything you post in fb, when did you meet up with her?" and he was like "at the beginning of this year" and I felt my immediately some sickness in my stomach. I then asked "could you think about it more precisely?" and then he realized and was like "In January, before we met at that show". Needless to say that I don't believe him a single word. It's not that I would be bothered by things he's currently doing, it's that I have to revise my picture of the past, of something that felt so good and so innocent and just belonging to "us". This hurts way more than I thought it would.

[Lord Testicles]

"Sinister Intents" if you are reading now as a guest then send me a text. I have much to say to you.

Sent from my KFTT using Tapatalk HD

Guests can't see this forum or chit chat, but Sinister Intents has a forum that you could probably contact him through.

http://theanarchistboard.freeforums.net

[consuming negativity]

i am so fucking mad and so fucking hurt right now

i am the stupidest fucking human on the planet

[Martin Luther]

I would like to see more leftists in programming and tech related things in general.

[Loony Le Fist]

I would like to see more leftists in programming and tech related things in general.

There's more than you think. I was majoring in Computer Science before changing to business (IT management) and minoring in Economics. I work as a plumber and in general building maintenance now.

[Martin Luther]

I'm majoring in computer science. I've had internships with several companies but I've never met any leftists at work, though most people I've discussed something political with are anti-government in some form from a liberal or libertarian angle.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I would like to see more leftists in programming and tech related things in general.
Geeks are pretty heterogeneous. In my experience, you get the yuppies (and by extension, libertarians and liberals) generally in the white hat (no comment), grey hat (hipsters), and the codemonkey (brogrammer) circles. In more fun circles you get a lot of influence from counterculture movements like punk and metal (look at the pseudonyms from the 80s, metal as fuck) and as such you're more likely to find communists and social anarchists there. A lot of individualist anarchists. Most seem to be RELATIVELY apolitical, but ya know, whatever.

You're just looking in yuppie circles, so you're gonna find yuppies.

For example, here's an excerpt from the hacker manifesto that gives insight into the views of hackers in the 80s, and in my experience it still pervades the right circles today, though less so than 10-15 years ago. Pretty indicative of a leftward tendency even if they aren't communists:

This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals.

[cyu]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anonymous_%28group%29

Anonymous has no strictly defined philosophy, and internal dissent is a regular feature of the group. In some ways, it may be impossible to gauge the intent and motive of thousands of participants, many of who don't even bother to leave a trace of their thoughts, motivations, and reactions.

Broadly speaking, Anons oppose internet censorship and control, and the majority of their actions target governments, organizations, and corporations that they accuse of censorship. Anons were early supporters of the global Occupy movement and the Arab Spring.

Tflow, Sabu, Topiary, and Kayla hacked the HBGary site and released an enormous cache of HBGary's e-mails on Pirate Bay. The e-mails stated that Barr and HBGary had proposed to Bank of America a plan to discredit WikiLeaks in retaliation for a planned leak of Bank of America documents, and the leak caused substantial public relations harm to the firm as well as leading one US congressman to call for a congressional investigation. Barr resigned as CEO before the end of the month.

Operation Safe Winter was an effort to raise awareness about life on the street through the collection, collation and redistribution of resources. The #OpSafeWinter call to action quickly spread through the Mutual Aid communities like Occupy Wall Street. The project to support those living on the streets while causing division in its own online network has been able to partner with many efforts and organizations not traditionally associated with Anonymous or online activists.

[human strike]

A friend came over and basically told me off for an hour or two. Now I feel crap and guilty as fuck. What an asshole. He didn't even tell me anything I don't already know; I know I've been a shit friend to people lately.

I haven't been in to work all week. I didn't call in until today. I'm finding it hard to care.

Relationship stuff is too confusing and difficult right now. I thought the difficult decisions had been made, but then they're suddenly unmade and there to be made all over again.

I'm tired almost all the time.

Winter is coming: I want to hibernate for six months.

Oh, and it turns out there's one very good reason why you shouldn't let you ex-girlfriend cut your hair...

(If she even is my ex-girlfriend, I'm not really sure what she is right now)

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

Geeks are pretty heterogeneous. In my experience, you get the yuppies (and by extension, libertarians and liberals) generally in the white hat (no comment), grey hat (hipsters), and the codemonkey (brogrammer) circles. In more fun circles you get a lot of influence from counterculture movements like punk and metal (look at the pseudonyms from the 80s, metal as fuck) and as such you're more likely to find communists and social anarchists there. A lot of individualist anarchists. Most seem to be RELATIVELY apolitical, but ya know, whatever.

You're just looking in yuppie circles, so you're gonna find yuppies.

For example, here's an excerpt from the hacker manifesto that gives insight into the views of hackers in the 80s, and in my experience it still pervades the right circles today, though less so than 10-15 years ago. Pretty indicative of a leftward tendency even if they aren't communists:

This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals.

I've met a couple other leftist contractors, but unfortunately most of the people I deal with are security goons working for government agencies, which roughly translates to dickhead.

[Crux]

I tell people I'm alright. That I'll deal. Really though I've stumbled hard, and as is my habit, thrown myself into the abyss. Cue vicious circle of self-hate for fucking things up for myself. Everyone is wonderful. All the possibilities are there. I'm just...I thought I was moving in the right direction. I'm not sure I can convince myself of that anymore. Another string of failures awaits. More empty.

[human strike]

I feel like nothing's really going to plan. I feel like I'm messing people around, leading them on or just not being there for them. I finally went in to work today, which is just as well as I had an important meeting, but now I have a proper grasp of how insanely busy I'll be for the next two weeks (I hope I'll have the energy). I actually felt on top of things for once in my life, but now I just want to hide or run away.

[human strike]

I'm sat here at work freaking out at all this work I have and not feeling able to do any of it whilst being bombarded by texts from the two people closest to me telling me how shit I am; literally, "You're shit." How the fuck did this happen? I do not feel ok. I feel really on edge. I should probably leave but that's not going to help my anxiety in the long run. For fuck's sake.

[PhoenixAsh]

Client 2 weeks ago: Why is production falling behind? You neef to hire more people. We need 8 additional to what you have.
Me 2 weeks ago: I advise against this considering your budget.
Client 1 week ago: We think we know exactly what our budget is and you need to do what we say.

Client today: Oops. Apparently we didn't know and we made a slight error in budget and we haven't managed our budget for the last 9 months (even though you did an sent us a warning mail every two weeks for the last five months) so we need to cut budget till the end of the year and you need to say bye bye to 18 people...of which you just hired 8 because we told you so.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

So, uh, three of my friends recently started smoking crack together. What in the fuck. Apparently their coke dude ran out of powder and was like "got dat hard" and they were like "shit .... aight" and bought some, now it's been a nightly occurrence. One has since stopped, and actually moved out to get away from it, but the other two continue.

[PhoenixAsh]

my advice from experience: you can make one attempt to voice your concern and offer help. depending on how close you are. Once. after that cut the out of your life.

[Rosa Partizan]

I really, REALLY can't handle druggy people, call me oldfashioned or whatever, but they annoy the fuck out of me. So listen to what Phoenix said.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

my advice from experience: you can make one attempt to voice your concern and offer help. depending on how close you are. Once. after that cut the out of your life.
Good friends, but not age-old best friends or anything. I'll probably do what you said, tell them to cut that shit out and try to get them to seek help the next time I see them, then stop talking to them if they don't.


I really, REALLY can't handle druggy people, call me oldfashioned or whatever, but they annoy the fuck out of me. So listen to what Phoenix said.

Where I live, drugs are the rule, not the exception. It'd be impossible for me to get away from drug use completely plus I do go to bars and occasionally smoke weed.

[consuming negativity]

Crack smokers aren't bad people, you just shouldn't trust them around your money or valuables. Story time!

I was doing a lot of construction work in the city maybe 2-3 years ago. To give you an idea of where we were at, I was on the same road where the dude in the first episode of The Wire got shot. Like, where they filmed that scene at. And we're working on demolishing these abandoned houses to rebuild new ones there, and one day a pair of guys who actually live in this neighborhood who needed money show up outside one of the houses and offer to help us tear the shit down. So, we talked to the owner of all the buildings and got them hired, and eventually got one more guy hired too.

A couple days after we do this, though, the almost-seven-feet-tall but skinny as a rail guy comes onto the job high as fuck on crack. We tell him what we're working on, so he just walks up to a 3-story-tall straight brick wall the length of two rooms, grabs it on either side, and just shakes the fucking wall and the entire thing comes tumbling down. He did it by himself; no safety equipment, nothing. It took the rest of the day for us to pick up all the bricks. LOL. I had no idea what to even say about it. But then a few months later when the work ran out, he stole like $200.00 of our tools and we never saw him again. Before that, he was a good friend and coworker, and he was like 55 fucking years old too, but crack will make you do some crazy shit. There's a reason why the drug cartels in Rio won't sell it anymore, and that's it. But I'll never forget that guy.

[PhoenixAsh]

I am.not saying to never talk to them. I am saying to keep your distance (especially emotionally) and not to let them in your house...give them money or buy them stuff no matter what. That is...until they are clean.

Or unless you are prepared to never see that money again or be perpetually disappointed or go through the emotional wringer..

[Loony Le Fist]

So, uh, three of my friends recently started smoking crack together. What in the fuck. Apparently their coke dude ran out of powder and was like "got dat hard" and they were like "shit .... aight" and bought some, now it's been a nightly occurrence. One has since stopped, and actually moved out to get away from it, but the other two continue.

If they are on pills (roxy's, percs, etc) or hard and you can't get through, you have to cut them out. It's a lesson I learned the hard way. Never forget, however, that the true enemy here is capitalism.

The problem is mostly the situation, as crack addicts have been known to make rational choices between crack and other things in laboratory settings, as documented by Dr. Carl Hart in High Price. Hart has studied the crack epidemic in detail and has a lot of interesting things to say. Life, however, is not a laboratory setting. Capitalism, unfortunately, forces our hand in these cases. Just another one of the societal costs--aka externalities.

[Loony Le Fist]

I really, REALLY can't handle druggy people, call me oldfashioned or whatever, but they annoy the fuck out of me. So listen to what Phoenix said.

For me, it depends on the drugs. In the case of psychedelics or pot, they are mostly non-addictive. No one is going to prostitute themselves or steal money for psilocybin mushrooms or LSD. However, if you are talking about roxys or crack, they bother me a lot. Their situations combined with the drugs is often a recipe for disaster. I think it's a feedback loop, where a bad situation often leads to blissful escapist drug use, then the continued drug use worsens the situation leading to more drug use and more escapism. Personality, disposition and natural brain chemistry is important here too. Some people that do hard control it well. It's better not to take that chance, however.

[Rosa Partizan]

For me, it depends on the drugs. In the case of psychedelics or pot, they are mostly non-addictive. No one is going to prostitute themselves or steal money for psilocybin mushrooms or LSD. However, if you are talking about roxys or crack, they bother me a lot. Their situations combined with the drugs is often a recipe for disaster. I think it's a feedback loop, where a bad situation often leads to blissful escapist drug use, then the continued drug use worsens the situation leading to more drug use and more escapism. Personality, disposition and natural brain chemistry is important here too. Some people that do hard control it well. It's better not to take that chance, however.

There are drugs worse than others, we really agree on that. I just don't like that whole drug attitude, though. If you like to get high on pot once or twice a month, I'll really accept it, altough stoned people tend to annoy me, too. But if this is some regular stuff you do, and if you decide to mix it with ataractics (have experienced that with a love interest in the past), I'm gonna kick your ass and not go for your company. As I already said, call me oldfashioned, narrowminded, whatsoever, I just can't do with that, I really can't. And don't even get me started about heavier drugs.

[Loony Le Fist]

There are drugs worse than others, we really agree on that. I just don't like that whole drug attitude, though.


Me too. I don't like the idea of spending my whole life in a non-functional daze. I do enjoy the occasional insights of certain psychedelics, however.



If you like to get high on pot once or twice a month, I'll really accept it, altough stoned people tend to annoy me, too.


I know what you mean. I guess that's why I make a distinction between stoners and weed smokers. It's the same kind of distinction I make between drunks and alcohol drinkers, respectively.



But if this is some regular stuff you do, and if you decide to mix it with ataractics (have experienced that with a love interest in the past), I'm gonna kick your ass and not go for your company.


You mean like benzodiazepines and hypnotics? Why would someone fuck up a nice psychedelic trip or weed high like that? :laugh:



As I already said, call me oldfashioned, narrowminded, whatsoever, I just can't do with that, I really can't. And don't even get me started about heavier drugs.

You just have an understandable aversion to people that want to spend their life in a daze rather than experiencing it. Nothing wrong with that. One drinks a glass of wine occasionally to relax. Same thing with the occasional spliff. Sometimes one might need some insight--the occasional psilocybin or LSD trip comes in handy for that. It's not a state of mind you want to spend your whole life in.

I don't think you are oldfashioned or narrowminded, but I think you ought to consider if you are playing into the prejudices and stereotypes that Drug Warriors have worked so hard to cultivate about weed smokers. You also ought to consider that the weed smokers (or drug users in general) you are going to notice are going to be the obnoxious kind. After all, they are the ones that are going to put it in your face. I just would hope that the boozers that put it in your face bother you just the same. They do make up the majority of recreational drug users, after all.

[Rosa Partizan]

It may be fine if it's done VERY occasional, not gonna argue with that. It's not as if I know hundreds of drug users, but the ones I met (not too few, either) were really getting on my tits. But don't ever ask me to join you in that, or don't even start trying to persuade me, 'cause this is where I definitely draw the line, in friendships as well as in romantic stuff.

[Loony Le Fist]

It may be fine if it's done VERY occasional, not gonna argue with that. It's not as if I know hundreds of drug users, but the ones I met (not too few, either) were really getting on my tits. But don't ever ask me to join you in that, or don't even start trying to persuade me, 'cause this is where I definitely draw the line, in friendships as well as in romantic stuff.

I've encountered the exact kind of person you are talking about. Take drunks that spend their lives in a daze forgetting about their friends and family, for example. I recently had to stop associating with business partner because he couldn't show up to a job site without alcohol on his breath. Being that I have a sewer and drain business (quite a jump from my previous work, but rewarding), operating heavy machinery and alcohol abuse are not compatible. Those that use drugs excessively are often obnoxious and inconsiderate. In my case, he could have placed us both in danger. I don't want to imagine him operating a hammer drill or a reciprocating saw intoxicated. :ohmy::ohmy::ohmy:

A little escapism and chill is fine. If you need that stuff to function, it's time to get some help.

[Rosa Partizan]

as for alcohol, loony, I drink rather rarely and I know my limits. In my whole life, I puked from alcohol only twice, at age 17 and 22. Being almost 30 now, I rather enjoy hanging around with friends and a glass of wine or 1-2 drinks, just this social stuff, not drinking alone at home. I know this hypocritical attitude like cursing drugs but apologizing getting drunk. Can't do with that, either.

[consuming negativity]

It may be fine if it's done VERY occasional, not gonna argue with that. It's not as if I know hundreds of drug users, but the ones I met (not too few, either) were really getting on my tits. But don't ever ask me to join you in that, or don't even start trying to persuade me, 'cause this is where I definitely draw the line, in friendships as well as in romantic stuff.

That's a shame, because these posts make you sound exactly like the sort of person who could benefit from smoking a bit of weed and chilling out a little bit. :laugh:

[Brandon's Impotent Rage]

So after going to the doctor for my bi-annual checkup, I've been diagnosed with having low testosterone.

I....honestly don't know how to react. I'll admit that I've been lacking energy over the last few years....but I've never had any erectile problems or anything like that.

[Martin Luther]

Ok as long as your name isn't a Freudian slip.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

as for alcohol, loony, I drink rather rarely and I know my limits. In my whole life, I puked from alcohol only twice, at age 17 and 22. Being almost 30 now, I rather enjoy hanging around with friends and a glass of wine or 1-2 drinks, just this social stuff, not drinking alone at home. I know this hypocritical attitude like cursing drugs but apologizing getting drunk. Can't do with that, either.
I'm probably around the same age as you, and yeah I'm the same way now. I don't enjoy being plastered drunk anymore like I did at 19 or my early 20s, or even really a little drunk. I feel like shit the next day and it makes me sick. Going out with friends and we drink like two beers, that's cool, but drunk, fuck that.


If they are on pills (roxy's, percs, etc) or hard and you can't get through, you have to cut them out. It's a lesson I learned the hard way. Never forget, however, that the true enemy here is capitalism.

The problem is mostly the situation, as crack addicts have been known to make rational choices between crack and other things in laboratory settings, as documented by Dr. Carl Hart in High Price. Hart has studied the crack epidemic in detail and has a lot of interesting things to say. Life, however, is not a laboratory setting. Capitalism, unfortunately, forces our hand in these cases. Just another one of the societal costs--aka externalities.
Ya, they fuck with hard now, and do fuck with pills. One is a recovering heroin addict which bewilders me that he'd start going down that same path again.

I'll probably end up doing what PhoenixAsh said, just keep my distance. I recently moved and they don't know exactly where my new place is, so I don't have to worry about that. But, that has happened before. In high school, my friend started smoking rock in senior year. I didn't know what was going on, but his mom kicked him out. He stays at my house for like a week and then leaves all his shit there and bounces. I get ahold of him like a month later and he comes to get his stuff. He's really skinny and sickly. Then he disappears again. One Saturday night about two months later he showed up at my house, I wasn't home, begging my dad for $20 for "gas money to go to a job interview the next day". My dad's seen this shit before, and knew exactly what was up especially with the way he looked, and told him to get the fuck away. Never saw him again. Then there was the time a few years ago where a good friend overdosed on heroin and died. Oh ya and my other friend's sister took about $60 out of my car to buy pills. Uhh, yeah, I'm ready to move away from this city now.

[Loony Le Fist]

Ya, they fuck with hard now, and do fuck with pills. One is a recovering heroin addict which bewilders me that he'd start going down that same path again.


It's all to easy to go down a familiar road.



I'll probably end up doing what PhoenixAsh said, just keep my distance. I recently moved and they don't know exactly where my new place is, so I don't have to worry about that.


I don't blame you. It might seem harsh, but PhoenixAsh has the right idea.



But, that has happened before. In high school, my friend started smoking rock in senior year. I didn't know what was going on, but his mom kicked him out. He stays at my house for like a week and then leaves all his shit there and bounces. I get ahold of him like a month later and he comes to get his stuff. He's really skinny and sickly. Then he disappears again.

One Saturday night about two months later he showed up at my house, I wasn't home, begging my dad for $20 for "gas money to go to a job interview the next day". My dad's seen this shit before, and knew exactly what was up especially with the way he looked, and told him to get the fuck away.


I hate to say it, but your dad was on point. Unfortunately, the combination of the situation and the drug use together can often turn these people into compulsive liars. It not only turns them into rock chasing zombies. It also turns them into scumbags who are willing to fuck over their own friends for a hit; long after they no longer use. Sad shit.



Never saw him again. Then there was the time a few years ago where a good friend overdosed on heroin and died. Oh ya and my other friend's sister took about $60 out of my car to buy pills. Uhh, yeah, I'm ready to move away from this city now.

I feel pity (and anger at) crackheads and pillheads. That said, don't let them near anything they can trade or pawn for a hit. What's worse is that it changes who they are. Even after they stop using, they can often retain the manipulative and compulsive lying behavior. I think it somehow lowers the threshold for shitty behaviour even against your own friends.

I had an ex-friend, for example, that used to be a crackhead. Again, I could confirm factually that he was no longer using crack at this point. We spent a lot of time together. Long story short: he turned out to be a controlling, manipulative, liar and stole $150 from me. About a week after I stopped being his friend, I saw him panhandling at a convenience store in my neighborhood. He was riding the bike he claimed was stolen--complete with the lock he had on it, completely intact.

What's more is, he was constantly commenting about my friend's bike after his was supposedly stolen. I am convinced now that it was a scheme to try and score pity so he could convince my friend to give him it. He had the audacity to ask me for money as I was walking out. I had to try very hard to stop myself from unleashing my anger on him and beating him into gelatin. I simply said, "Get the fuck out of my face!"

I really want to help these people. Admittedly, it's hard when they can be such dishonest pieces of shit.

[Art Vandelay]

I understand folks with addiction issues can do some seedy stuff, but am I the only one who thinks they shouldn't be characterized/defined/labeled/judged based on what they choose to put into their body?

[Loony Le Fist]

I understand folks with addiction issues can do some seedy stuff, but am I the only one who thinks they shouldn't be characterized/defined/labeled/judged based on what they choose to put into their body?

Maybe I've just had some bad experiences and am dealing with a biased sample. I have a series of closed-ended questions which I would like to hear your opinion on:


Would you agree that certain drugs have a greater propensity to cause problems for their users, such as say having above-average abuse potential?
Would you agree that drug abusers are often willing to fuck over strangers, friends, and family members alike to get a fix?
Would you agree that fucking people over lowers the threshold of what someone is willing to do to satisfy their needs generally?
Would you agree that these experiences can essentially destroy one's internal decision compass?
Permanently?


My own opinion follows.

I'd answer yes to all of them. I'm certainly not saying that there should be some kind of a government to enforce punishments against those that choose to ingest certain substances. I just feel that it's fair to say that individuals that take certain substances can be, in general, found to exhibit certain behaviors--statistically speaking. Irrelevant here is whether that behavior is the result of social conditioning, personal choice, genetics, etc.

Being an unreliable douchebag is not, and shouldn't ever be, a jailable offense. The reputational effects are punishment enough I feel.

[human strike]

I can't stand people who have their nose in a book all the time. They spend life in a daze.

Lots of thoughts and feelings right now. Want to talk about them but don't know where to begin. I'm just gonna meet a girl off the internet to distract myself from sadness and any anxiety I might feel if I stop to really properly think about stuff.

[consuming negativity]

I understand folks with addiction issues can do some seedy stuff, but am I the only one who thinks they shouldn't be characterized/defined/labeled/judged based on what they choose to put into their body?

The people ITT defining them by it isn't the problem; the problem is that they define themselves by it. That fear that Loony has when he mentions painkillers is real, serious fear, that only comes from experience. He knows what they do to a person, and it scares the fuck out of him. It scares me, too.

I remember first getting into percs and I wasn't even old enough to drink; it was just a recreational thing, and maybe once every other week, if that, my friends and I would decide that rather than drink or smoke or [other recreational activities], we would get high on painkillers. But after a while, each of us started getting into them more and more. And I remember when I couldn't even get them through my usual group of friends anymore because they would just eat the whole damn bag; my one friend was over $400.00 in debt with his family over buying the things on loan from his sister. So I went and I asked the guy who I know was getting them for him. And he goes "sure, I've got as many as you say you want, but you need to come and get them NOW. I don't fuck with these things anymore, and if you don't come here right now and take them, I cannot guarantee that I will not just eat them". I was thinking "...alright, man". I just didn't think it was a big deal, but I still went and I honored his wishes, assuming that he had a problem with them before. And when I showed up, he had the biggest fucking smile on his face, but it wasn't because he was going to see me... it was because he was getting rid of the pills and the temptation was over. He had the willpower to have beaten his own addiction for that long. And I never asked him to get them for me ever again after seeing that.

I took that bag of pills home and I had spent over $100.00 on them and the idea was that I'd binge at my normal amount for a week, then, since I had no more money anyway, I'd take a long break and just smoke weed or, you know, be sober. The first night I ended up taking half of them. Every time I took one I thought "and I could take one more, and be even higher". But I had promised myself that because I knew they could be dangerous that I wouldn't do that. But I could not control myself. I took them anyway. I was fearful because I was getting so high and I had never been that high before, but I still wanted to take more of them. The drug was all I cared about. I didn't care about anything. I ate those pills until I passed out, and I woke up the next morning and went "WHAT THE FUCK", went to my indebted friend's house, and gave him all of the rest of the pills, I gave him my weed grinder, an eighth of weed, and like a year's worth of kief I had been saving. It scared the living fuck out of me, and they still do, because they will make you do anything and it won't even occur to you that it's wrong. The logic goes "oh hey, I figured out how I can get high again, everything is okay, they'll understand". And you'll steal, you'll lie, you'll do ANYTHING, and there are things in this story about what I'd previously done to get pills that I'm not telling you about. It is an abusive relationship with your own mind; a sexual partner who forces you to no longer even have a will outside of getting those drugs, who makes you feel like shit for all of your actions, who does not tolerate anything less than complete obedience. It will take yourself from you, and I have taken pills since then in moments of weakness, but they absolutely terrify me. Because the willpower you need to fuck with some shit like that and come out the other end is awe-inspiring.

I smoke weed when I've got the extra cash, but alcohol is the same way. If you don't do like Rosa does and just have yourself two drinks with friends, alcohol will put you into the same negative feedback spiral of shitty behavior, shitty feelings, and alcoholism. They're all the same. All of those addictive drugs like that. That's why I don't fuck with them anymore: I fuck with the stuff that doesn't make me want to take anymore and that allow me to keep my personality once the drugs wear off.

[Quail]

Perhaps I'm more tolerant of drug abusers than most people in this thread, but I'd say that all you can do for someone who is an addict is to be there for them. People don't get hooked on drugs just for the hell of it, it's usually an unhealthy coping mechanism, and cutting them out completely just means they're going to have one less person to rely on when they want or need help. Yeah, addiction can make people do shitty things and I know that because I've done shitty things because of alcohol abuse and my eating disorder (bulimia is very similar to addiction). I'm mostly better now, but if all of my friends had just dropped me and cut me out, I don't think I'd have been able to recover. So my advice is just to be there for them and be a good friend.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I understand folks with addiction issues can do some seedy stuff, but am I the only one who thinks they shouldn't be characterized/defined/labeled/judged based on what they choose to put into their body?


Perhaps I'm more tolerant of drug abusers than most people in this thread, but I'd say that all you can do for someone who is an addict is to be there for them. People don't get hooked on drugs just for the hell of it, it's usually an unhealthy coping mechanism, and cutting them out completely just means they're going to have one less person to rely on when they want or need help. Yeah, addiction can make people do shitty things and I know that because I've done shitty things because of alcohol abuse and my eating disorder (bulimia is very similar to addiction). I'm mostly better now, but if all of my friends had just dropped me and cut me out, I don't think I'd have been able to recover. So my advice is just to be there for them and be a good friend.
See this is the part where I feel like a jackass, haha. Y'all are right though, I'm not planning on up and disappearing completely ... I guess I'm just mad at them right now more than anything and have been kind of venting.

[Rosa Partizan]

I understand folks with addiction issues can do some seedy stuff, but am I the only one who thinks they shouldn't be characterized/defined/labeled/judged based on what they choose to put into their body?


Perhaps I'm more tolerant of drug abusers than most people in this thread, but I'd say that all you can do for someone who is an addict is to be there for them. People don't get hooked on drugs just for the hell of it, it's usually an unhealthy coping mechanism, and cutting them out completely just means they're going to have one less person to rely on when they want or need help. Yeah, addiction can make people do shitty things and I know that because I've done shitty things because of alcohol abuse and my eating disorder (bulimia is very similar to addiction). I'm mostly better now, but if all of my friends had just dropped me and cut me out, I don't think I'd have been able to recover. So my advice is just to be there for them and be a good friend.

I don't think they're bad, stupid or whatsoever, I just can't stand their company. If it's some close friend that's seriously addicted, this is another story, and even then, I can't provide the (professional) help they actually need. This never occurred anyway. My former best friend used to do cocaine occasionally, no addiction or anything, just some weekend party stuff, her daily routine was not influenced by it. And I started to avoid going out with her, because I couldn't stand how she behaved when on drugs, and I don't feel a bad friend at all for this. She hung around with complete shitheads that led her on and all of a sudden, everyone who didn't do drugs was uncool for her. ZERO tolerance for this fucked up shit. If she would've had an addiction and turned to me for help --> completely different story. Still, my possibilities would've been very limited, but I would've looked out for the help she needs. Really glad that the woman I'm calling my best friend now, shares my anti-drug attitude and that she doesn't go around telling people how boring they are for preferring a drug-free surrounding. I REALLY know I'm a bit preachy and moralist about it, it's just that my experiences with other people led me to this conclusion about drugs.

[Lily Briscoe]

Just to add my two cents to this whole discussion: I get having to cut people like heroin addicts out of your life for practical reasons. Having said that, I think the sort of people who are like "an occasional drink with friends now and then, never overdoing it, drugs are bad, everything in moderation" are almost even harder to tolerate. I don't know how anyone can stand being that suffocatingly colorless.

[Rosa Partizan]

Just to add my two cents to this whole discussion: I get having to cut people like heroin addicts out of your life for practical reasons. Having said that, I think the sort of people who are like "an occasional drink with friends now and then, never overdoing it, drugs are bad, everything in moderation" are almost even harder to tolerate. I don't know how anyone can stand being that suffocatingly colorless.

if never doing substances and staying away from intoxication means I'm colorless, then so be it. I don't mind not hanging around with the cool kids boozing their heads off or taking pills or whatever. Cool story bro. I know several straight edge dudes (not the ones running around telling you what drug addicted loser you are for drinking beer) with a ton more attitude and lifetime experiences than many of those people who think that drugs are cool and add some spice to your life.

[consuming negativity]

Just to add my two cents to this whole discussion: I get having to cut people like heroin addicts out of your life for practical reasons. Having said that, I think the sort of people who are like "an occasional drink with friends now and then, never overdoing it, drugs are bad, everything in moderation" are almost even harder to tolerate. I don't know how anyone can stand being that suffocatingly colorless.

At least she isn't calling people names because she doesn't enjoy their company... :glare:

[Rosa Partizan]

At least she isn't calling people names because she doesn't enjoy their company... :glare:

I can't keep up with cool people, so sad :crying: :crying: :crying:
Yeah, when I was a teenager, I used to have the same attitude, but fortunately, that was almost 10 years ago.

[consuming negativity]

I can't keep up with cool people, so sad :crying: :crying: :crying:
Yeah, when I was a teenager, I used to have the same attitude, but fortunately, that was almost 10 years ago.

No worries, Rosa. I'll slow down and give you a chance to catch up. ;)

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

I drink and I'm not cool either, hah!

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

There are days when I just want to walk into a crowd with a loaded gun and plagiarise Breton.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Just to add my two cents to this whole discussion: I get having to cut people like heroin addicts out of your life for practical reasons. Having said that, I think the sort of people who are like "an occasional drink with friends now and then, never overdoing it, drugs are bad, everything in moderation" are almost even harder to tolerate. I don't know how anyone can stand being that suffocatingly colorless.

I find this offensive.

I plan to drink myself to death and I'm as colourless as the GKChP.

I even wear a grey suit to work sometimes for god's nonexistent sake. I have thinning hair and wear horn-rimmed glasses.

[Rosa Partizan]

I find this offensive.

I plan to drink myself to death and I'm as colourless as the GKChP.

I even wear a grey suit to work sometimes for god's nonexistent sake. I have thinning hair and wear horn-rimmed glasses.

I need more details. Sounds hot as hell.

[Loony Le Fist]

Has anyone else ever come to the upsetting realization that their IRL friends aren't really their friends? Let's just say someone who wouldn't have any reason to lie tipped me off. Is it better to have false IRL friends or no IRL friends?

Some days I truly love the position capitalism puts us in.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Just to add my two cents to this whole discussion: I get having to cut people like heroin addicts out of your life for practical reasons. Having said that, I think the sort of people who are like "an occasional drink with friends now and then, never overdoing it, drugs are bad, everything in moderation" are almost even harder to tolerate. I don't know how anyone can stand being that suffocatingly colorless.
<--- has had issues with opiates and alcohol in the past and doesn't think 'drugs are bad', just 'addiction (and crack) is bad' (which I've talked about here before, not that I expect y'all to memorize my life story or anything, that'd be weird)

pretty sure I've even previously told this thread about how I snorted a line of meth ON ACCIDENT once. I just don't like to fuck around with shit anymore because I've A) seen where that leads ME personally and B) seen where addiction leads other people

So ya, you could say I'm "suffocatingly colorless" or whatever now. Fuck it. I'd rather be boring than dopesick (again, for the X-teenth time). It's entirely possible that I could start taking pills and shit again one day (actually I don't doubt one day I'll start again, shit's hard), but for now I'll stick to occasionally smoking weed and watching dumb movies and going to the bar with my friends for a drink or two every once in a while.

...

Speaking of which, I've had some really fuckin' bad cravings for opiates the last few days and it's pissing me off. My old dealer even called me today out of the blue and was like HAY MAN GOT DAT O-C and I'm like "dude ... nah", which was the hardest thing I've had to do in a while, and all I can think is melting while listening to this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2HOEk3UUY0) or something and it's kind of like a flashback or something. Damn. Right after I'm complaining about my friends smoking crack. Guess I'm a hypocrite, huh?

[Lily Briscoe]

<--- has had issues with opiates and alcohol in the past and doesn't think 'drugs are bad', just 'addiction (and crack) is bad'
I wasn't referring to you. Like I said, I get having to cut addicts out of your life. My response was aimed more at the weird moralizing stuff like this:

If you don't do like Rosa and just have yourself two drinks with friends, alcohol will put you into the same negative feedback spiral of shitty behavior, shitty feelings, and alcoholism. like something out of a D.A.R.E. Campaign.

[Lily Briscoe]

Also,I couldn't care less if people don't want to drink or do drugs, but I just find the sort of people who moralize about anybody getting drunk or whatever to be really intolerable.

[Rosa Partizan]

Also,I couldn't care less if people don't want to drink or do drugs, but I just find the sort of people who moralize about anybody getting drunk or whatever to be really intolerable.

This is a less bigger problem than people who think that only going out drinking is fun and anybody who doesn't drink or only very little is a boring douchebag and many of them try to push you into drinking. This attitude is at least in Germany much more prevalent than people telling you how bad alcohol is (I've even never met such people, except for straight edgers that've been VERY recently into that sXe-thing).

[human strike]

Lots of thoughts and feelings right now. Want to talk about them but don't know where to begin. I'm just gonna meet a girl off the internet to distract myself from sadness and any anxiety I might feel if I stop to really properly think about stuff.

This actually worked really fucking well. Who needs drugs? :grin:

[Rosa Partizan]

So RVIVR (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RVIVR) played at our autonomous venue and it was really great. I saw HIM again, he was sitting at the cash box, and I did my best to ignore him. Didn't work out. I left shortly before the last song and told him I'd go home now. He instantly offered to walk me to the tram stop and I agreed and linked my arms with him :rolleyes: and he was like "wow you smell so delicious - again" :rolleyes: :rolleyes: and we mocked libfems and german feminazi blogs and voters of the green party and it was hilarious and I'd love to hate him, but it probably won't work out.

[human strike]

I can't stop weeping. I think the full impact of this breakup only just hit me. I'm devastated. Fucking monogamy has fucked my life so hard, I'm fucking done with it.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I had a bad manic episode last week. I felt ashamed, even though I knew it was the disorder and not me, but a friend was able to reframe it in a way that gave me proper perspective.

[Sinister Intents]

I'm sorry TGU for the whole ordeal. Though we've since discussed matters, I'm so fucking sorry I caused you so much more trouble. ...

Also for those of you that don't know: I'm a she, I'm a girl...

[RedWorker]

It's ok. You tried to help. I see both sides of the situation here. BTW, if I ever call you a "he" it's because I forgot. :grin: Any update on the coming out? edit: nvm i saw your last post there (http://www.revleft.com/vb/im-coming-out-t190530/index.html?p=2788288#post2788288), congrats!

[human strike]

Right now I'm treading a fine line between feeling absolutely in control of my life, self-assured and the author of my own experience, and feeling like I'm acting recklessly, delusional and being a complete moron whilst responsibilities pile up on me. Usually I feel the former, but every now and then self-doubt creeps in and I feel terrified. I can really only stick to this course I've set myself on now and hope it's the right one - it's too late to turn back and I don't want to anyway.

I've been thinking recently about self-mastery, how important owning one's feelings is and how communism is the realisation of absolute self-determination in every aspect of one's life, not so simply "seize control of the means of production," but to seize control of all that reproduces oneself, be it material or economic, or social or emotional.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Serious question: how do you break the association between certain people and certain places? Because right now half of the city is a no-mopery zone for me, it reminds me too much of my dear "friend" who lied to me for four years and ended up betraying me. A mi las ardillas!

The worst thing is that I'm still worried about her. God, I want to kick myself in the nuts.

[Rosa Partizan]

Reclaim those places by sharing them with other people than mean something to you. And if they fuck it up, replace them the same way, lulz.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I honestly hope I will never have to "replace" anyone like that again, it wasn't the most pleasant experience. For anyone. Except Bacardi.

And I did try, believe me, it refuses to work. I guess time will help. Or a screwdriver. Either is fine.

[Rosa Partizan]

avoid the most emotionally loaded ones for a while if you can. Apart from that, it's a matter of time, which doesn't mean that some things will be thoroughly okay someday. Guess you know that anyway.

[Atsumari]

Whenever I am at work in Hollywood and I see a balding middle aged guy with a really young Asian woman with a thick THAI accent, I automatically assume the obvious.
Also I support multiculturalism and dating outside your race, but the more and more white guys I meet with Asian girlfriends, the more disgusted I get when I hear them speak. That is not multiculturalism, that is called fetishizing and exoticfying someone.

[Quail]

I feel like I need to implement some kind of "keep Quail safe" plan for next week while my partner is away. Really struggling with my teaching placement and mental health and this feels exactly like the kind of mindset where I will do something stupid and dangerous. I'm thinking I will try and arrange some social stuff so I have something to look forward to and I'm not just on my own, and also make a plan of action for crisis situations. I think that's sensible?

Perhaps there will be some kind of thrilling Revleft drama to keep me distracted heh.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Perhaps there will be some kind of thrilling Revleft drama to keep me distracted heh.

This sounds like a job for Sparta-man!

I hear some members of the forum didn't hail the Red Army in Afghanistan!

[human strike]

Reclaim those places by sharing them with other people than mean something to you. And if they fuck it up, replace them the same way, lulz.

Yeah, I was going to say this. It's definitely worked for me in the past. I can think of one place in particular that I was scared to go back to, but I did with someone else and had the most beautiful experience forging a whole new association. :)

[Sinister Intents]

Excoriation Fucking sucks.

[consuming negativity]

Excoriation Fucking sucks.


Definition of EXCORIATION
1: the act of abrading or wearing off the skin <chafing and excoriation of the skin>
2: a raw irritated lesion (as of the skin or a mucosal surface)

http://www.merriam-webster.com/medical/excoriation

Just in case I'm not the only one. :lol:

[Sinister Intents]

http://www.merriam-webster.com/medical/excoriation

Just in case I'm not the only one. :lol:

Pretty much, except I do it yo the extreme where currently I have multiple own wounds, a few infected and very painful, I've given myself plenty of horrible scars

[Sinister Intents]

Any and every apology attempt is like Russian roulette and leaves me in a panic over the individual's answer

[BIXX]

Work is killing me. Those lying fucks.

[Palmares]

Not doing drugs or alcohol is good for my health when my health is the worst, but also lessens my mind from going to darker places. Doesn't help the social anxiety though. Hopefully I'll come to a future where my health is better, I can drink or not or whatever if I so choose, and I won't be so alone and isolated.

One day, at a time.

[Quail]

The school terminated my teacher training placement because they didn't think I could cut it... I think they're right. I was struggling to get there on time and struggling to stay awake in the day because my anxiety has been keeping me awake. Also eating disorder is making a worrying comeback. I'm going to take a year out. I feel infinitely better now and much safer.

Since I got an extension on my extension for my MSc thesis I'm going to spend the next month writing a thesis that will make the university sorely regret not wanting me as a phd student. That, and spend my time writing porn and sewing stuff.

[Magón]

The school terminated my teacher training placement because they didn't think I could cut it... I think they're right. I was struggling to get there on time and struggling to stay awake in the day because my anxiety has been keeping me awake. Also eating disorder is making a worrying comeback. I'm going to take a year out. I feel infinitely better now and much safer.

Since I got an extension on my extension for my MSc thesis I'm going to spend the next month writing a thesis that will make the university sorely regret not wanting me as a phd student. That, and spend my time writing porn and sewing stuff.

I thought writing porn was "erotica", and viewing porn was... well, porn.

[Quail]

I thought writing porn was "erotica", and viewing porn was... well, porn.

Yeah I think it is, but I feel as though describing my writing as "erotica" makes it sound better than it is :lol:

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I always thought erotica was porn what we wanted to make socially acceptable.

Also, yeah, members of university administrations deserve a special place in hell, one circle below the Nazis and religious fanatics but one circle above the people who molest fruit in supermarkets.

[Magón]

I always thought erotica was porn what we wanted to make socially acceptable.

That's what they want you to think.

[ℂᵒиѕẗяᵤкт]

I've always been shy. Even around friends I've known for a long time, I'm still reserved.

Lately, though, my confidence has been increasing. Without going too much into it, I think I might be kind of a flirt!

[Os Cangaceiros]

Erotica is "classy porn", right?

Except erotic fiction, that shit is anything but classy LOL

[Quail]

Erotica is "classy porn", right?

Except erotic fiction, that shit is anything but classy LOL

Erotica is defined as "erotic literature or art" so yeah, I think including erotic fiction under that might be stretching the definition of "literature" somewhat. :lol:

Anyway for some reason I've decided my new short-term life goal is to finish and electronically self-publish an erotic novella/novel. Mostly just so that I can say I've done it tbh. I don't really expect anyone to buy it.

[Rosa Partizan]

Erotica is "classy porn", right?

Except erotic fiction, that shit is anything but classy LOL

In German, porn is almost the same word, "porno", and the most influential feminist magazine here defined it as "The connection of female humiliation/violence done to females and sexual arousal". Anything else is "sex movies" and "erotica".

[human strike]

Last night someone told me that despite loving and trusting me he feels he can't be my friend anymore because of political principle (this was in response to my offer of support in improving his mental well-being). Since when did politics trump love? I feel like it's scandalous when faced with a difficult personal situation to automatically defer to blanket political positions and ignore your own mind and feelings. But it worries me because I was listening to what he was saying and I think a year ago I probably would have done the same if I was him. I'm glad I don't think that way anymore, it's not a good way to be. I'm going to talk to him more though and maybe gently point out the contradictions in what he's saying.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Last night someone told me that despite loving and trusting me he feels he can't be my friend anymore because of political principle (this was in response to my offer of support in improving his mental well-being). Since when did politics trump love? I feel like it's scandalous when faced with a difficult personal situation to automatically defer to blanket political positions and ignore your own mind and feelings. But it worries me because I was listening to what he was saying and I think a year ago I probably would have done the same if I was him. I'm glad I don't think that way anymore, it's not a good way to be. I'm going to talk to him more though and maybe gently point out the contradictions in what he's saying.

Well, to be honest, why wouldn't politics trump love? I mean, politics, for me, is not some sort of club, it deals with some of the most important questions - how to organise society, what is acceptable and what is not, and so on. Obviously there is some leeway here, but I can't for the life of me imagine being friends with a conservative. I've tried, and it failed. Badly. In fact I'm still feeling the fallout from that explosion (it helped that the person in question concealed the true depths of her disgusting conservatism).

[human strike]

Well, to be honest, why wouldn't politics trump love? I mean, politics, for me, is not some sort of club, it deals with some of the most important questions - how to organise society, what is acceptable and what is not, and so on. Obviously there is some leeway here, but I can't for the life of me imagine being friends with a conservative. I've tried, and it failed. Badly. In fact I'm still feeling the fallout from that explosion (it helped that the person in question concealed the true depths of her disgusting conservatism).

It's not a question of having different political beliefs - if our beliefs were that different we just wouldn't get on and wouldn't be friends for that reason. But we do get on and we support each other; we were close. It's a question of a personal conflict in a social group that he's taking a political position on. There's a big level of disavowal in this; to put aside love and trust in the interests of someone he openly says he's nowhere near as close to, all for the sake of some blanket political principle. He sees the world in a very black and white way.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

It's not a question of having different political beliefs - if our beliefs were that different we just wouldn't get on and wouldn't be friends for that reason. But we do get on and we support each other; we were close. It's a question of a personal conflict in a social group that he's taking a political position on. There's a big level of disavowal in this; to put aside love and trust in the interests of someone he openly says he's nowhere near as close to, all for the sake of some blanket political principle. He sees the world in a very black and white way.

Well, I think there is something to be said for seeing the world in a black and white way, but in any case, it seems my assumptions were mistaken. That said, and this might just be my age talking, but if people I hang out with started taking political positions on personal conflict in a social group (unless we're talking about, I don't know, sexual molestation or someone attacking someone else because of their orientation or whatnot), I would probably leg it before all of us end up surrounded by Little Red Books trying to fend of Russian social-imperialism. Or something.

[Zoroaster]

I've been friends with quite a few conservatives and anti-communists, which makes me feel wierd. I mean, they were nice and all, and I'm glad I was able to meet them, but the politics... I mean, come on.

Also, I found out that AK Press supports the PKK. I think this video sums up my reaction well.

http://youtu.be/cLtyKhJ-R5s

[Os Cangaceiros]

In German, porn is almost the same word, "porno", and the most influential feminist magazine here defined it as "The connection of female humiliation/violence done to females and sexual arousal". Anything else is "sex movies" and "erotica".

That definition doesn't even mention any sort of media at all. So if people are into real-life humiliation/violence, that's "porno" as well?

[Quail]

I feel really fed up and sad and alone tonight.

[Rosa Partizan]

That definition doesn't even mention any sort of media at all. So if people are into real-life humiliation/violence, that's "porno" as well?

uhm, no? It's about the graphic representation. Do you apply a term like "porn" (in its conventional meaning) to the stuff you do in your bedroom? Obviously not.

[BIXX]

I feel really fed up and sad and alone tonight.
If it makes you feel any better I'm kinda in the same boat.

[Art Vandelay]

I feel really fed up and sad and alone tonight.


If it makes you feel any better I'm kinda in the same boat.

I'll third that. Basically been walking around all day trying to not break down and cry.

Hope you two feel better soon.

[consuming negativity]

I'll third that. Basically been walking around all day trying to not break down and cry.

Hope you two feel better soon.

i love all three of you <3

[Sinister Intents]

I'm incredibly sensitive to sad things

[human strike]

Felt horrendous with anxiety this morning. Missing someone very badly. But I had a productive day that shot by and then hung out with my friends and won an anarcha-feminist quiz, so now I feel pretty great (still missing someone badly though). :)

[Rosa Partizan]

are you still somehow in touch or did you cut it down completely?

[human strike]

I suppose we're having a break in contact. She was contacting me a lot and acting kinda crazy so it was basically for the best to cut all contact for a while. It's shit. I want to see her. I want to help her, even though I know seeing her would probably just make her worse in the long run. :(

[PhoenixAsh]

Mishka has been stealing my jelly beans.

I had specifically bought her her own pack and she put it away. Then the little thief proceeded to steal mine. Every time she thought I wasn't looking I saw her little hand shoot out from under the blanket, steal a couple and hide them under her pillow.

soafter a while I grabbed her arm and told the little thief: your eleven....wanna live till you are twelve?

and she said: Yes

so I thought....yeah that is right....We are in a hospital...you have cancer and chemo...take all the jelly beans you want.

[Rosa Partizan]

I really don't know about your relationship, I just got the stuff you write and I could be drawing all the wrong conclusions, but your relationship as described reminds me of these borderline-obsessed-types where there seems to be a fine line between love, hate, dependency and all extreme forms of feelings and how it's just sucking you in and spitting you out all the time and you still want it so much. This is something you can't work out together, everyone has to manage on their own terms and in the first place be able to lead a balanced relationship. Oh God I could beat myself up over saying so corny stuff, but unhealthy relationships stem mostly from people that don't love themselves, that want something from relationships they can't get from within themselves. Really don't know if this applies to you or her or whatever, or you could be thinking omfg stfu and get a ban please, it's just that I've observed this several times and that I'm having healthier relationships (also with friends) since I started feeling (somewhat) good about myself. Doesn't mean I'm totally issue-free or anything, but who is anyway. One of three people in my circle of friends visit a therapist, we're all fucked up and insecure.

[ℂᵒиѕẗяᵤкт]

So, I'm getting interested in BDSM.

I have some worries about the misogyny that tends to pervade the Scene, especially since I'm more into the dominant role.

I just want to make sure this doesn't fuck me up somehow.

[Sinister Intents]

So, I'm getting interested in BDSM.

I have some worries about the misogyny that tends to pervade the Scene, especially since I'm more into the dominant role.

I just want to make sure this doesn't fuck me up somehow.

I'm into BDSM. If you've a great partner its all good! I'm a submissive lady, but I like being dominant occasionally. Though BDSM tends to scare my girlfriend a bit because I like to be dominated.

[human strike]

So, I'm getting interested in BDSM.

I have some worries about the misogyny that tends to pervade the Scene, especially since I'm more into the dominant role.

I just want to make sure this doesn't fuck me up somehow.

I don't think misogyny is anymore prevalent in the scene than outside it. Safe BDSM is all about consent and consciously negotiating power (and perhaps even subverting power). It can teach very valuable skills for negotiating boundaries that can apply to a lot more than just sex.

[Sinister Intents]

My girlfriend is in the ER :(

[ℂᵒиѕẗяᵤкт]

My girlfriend is in the ER :(

What happened?

[Sinister Intents]

What happened?

Her asthma and bronchitis, shes having breathing problems, overheating, and has a very sore throat and a cough. She says it feels like she's breathing through a straw :(

[ℂᵒиѕẗяᵤкт]

Her asthma and bronchitis, shes having breathing problems, overheating, and has a very sore throat and a cough. She says it feels like she's breathing through a straw :(

Is she doing all right? Any update on how their handling her condition there?