Friend stuck in abusive relationship - How to help her?

[Regicollis]

We have a neighbour who is married to a man with clear psychopathic traits. He is hitting her, using all the money on stuff for himself so that she ends up having to borrow to buy food for her family, forbidding her to see friends and family and I'm also concerned that there is some kind of sexual abuse involved. She has three children from a previous marriage and they are afraid of him and are getting a really distorted example of what a relationship should be like.

She is half Pakistani and half Danish while the man is from Pakistan. While she is only superficially religious he adheres to a very conservative patriarchal variety of Islam that he is forcing on our friend and her children (one of the first things he did when he came to Denmark was to forbid the children from going to dance classes).

His residence permit is dependent on his marriage to our friend and we all agree that the best thing to happen would be for her to get a divorce which would mean that he would be deported back to Pakistan, far away from our friend and her children.

The problem is that she is afraid to report the abuse to the police and to seek a divorce. The man - like the rest of his family - was involved in organised crime back in Pakistan and there is a real risk that he will do something violent to our neighbour or her children or that his family will take revenge on her family in Pakistan.

She has tried to report him and to get a divorce several times before, but each time he has managed to threaten and manipulate her to abandoning the plans at the last minute.

He has to apply for an extension of his residence permit in a few month's time and we all hope that we can somehow get the authorities to deny his application in a way so he doesn't think it is our neighbour's fault. However I think the chances of that happening are slim and she will be stuck in the relationship.

I really need some good advice on this. How can she leave him when doing so would put her children and family at risk?

[M-L-C-F]

Personally, if it was me. I'd go get some friends, and beat the living shit outta him. I'm the kinda guy that will go do that sorta thing for his female friends, and I've done it before. But that's not always a good answer to the problem. So I say that you should go to the police, and raise the concern. Do it especially if you know that they're having a fight. By complaining about the incident.

[RedWorker]

Just report him. I would say that it is an extremely small risk that he attempts any revenge which would be deeply harmful.


She has tried to report him and to get a divorce several times before, but each time he has managed to threaten and manipulate her to abandoning the plans at the last minute.

So he has threatened and manipulated her about reporting? How the hell did he know that she was going to report?


Personally, if it was me. I'd go get some friends, and beat the living shit outta him.

Great way to ensure that the situation gets even worse.

[M-L-C-F]

Great way to ensure that the situation gets even worse.

Obviously if you were to go take care of him yourself. You'd have someone else take the woman and kids to somewhere safe. Hence why I said to get a group of people to help. You then would help her with the separation or divorce stuff, and anything else she or her kids need. While making sure that the asshole husband/boyfriend doesn't come near her or the kids at all anymore.

[brigadista]

Regicollis you could Speak to a domestic violence organisation about what they can do to help including help find her and her children a safe and secure place to stay and so give her some space away from the fear and pressure to make some decisions about her way forward - then she has a practical alternative

I found an organisation called LOKK on a search but I don't know what they are like and I can't speak Danish so I don't know if they have a helpline - maybe you could call them if they do and if they can help her you can give her the number - good luck I hope she gets help

[mindsword]

baseball bats and people in numbers usually do the trick

if not, guns are even more effective. or so ive heard.
(tip: usually big calibres leave bigger holes in people, but also more mess. but they are more humane than blunt weapons or sharp weapons. if that any concern.)

chainsaws make alot of noise, but they have a nice intimidation effect. and after all, thats what he seems to like.

ive also heard castration is a nice way of preventing stupid anti-social behavior like that in the future.

i can only recommend the first one from personal experience.
now go take care of your women.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

Do not take the advice that most people are giving in this thread. Experience has taught me that additional violence is not the solution to this. Instead it alienates you from the person you're trying to protect and can even give the abusive person more power over them. If the man is involved with organized crime, what the fuck would attacking him do other than escalate the situation and make things worse. Get her in contact with a domestic abuse organization and just be supportive until she is ready to leave. Once she's ready they'll have ways of keeping her away from him, whether that means a shelter or courts or whatever. If she really wanted you to beat up her husband she would have asked you to do it by now, thats clearly not the solution she is looking for and you need to respect her wishes.

Everyone else needs to be much more responsible about the advice they are giving out, good grief.

[mindsword]

Do not take the advice that most people are giving in this thread. Experience has taught me that additional violence is not the solution to this. Instead it alienates you from the person you're trying to protect and can even give the abusive person more power over them. If the man is involved with organized crime, what the fuck would attacking him do other than escalate the situation and make things worse. Get her in contact with a domestic abuse organization and just be supportive until she is ready to leave. Once she's ready they'll have ways of keeping her away from him, whether that means a shelter or courts or whatever. If she really wanted you to beat up her husband she would have asked you to do it by now, thats clearly not the solution she is looking for and you need to respect her wishes.

Everyone else needs to be much more responsible about the advice they are giving out, good grief.

they obviously tried diplomacy. in the end you cant reason with cockroaches, and youre wasting a human soul while waiting.

"Please stop being a psychopathic women abuser.....? Pleeeease? Pretty please???"

Maybe they should try sending a cute postcard! That'll work fo sho.

1. Try diplomacy
2. See two posts upwards.

I regret not using lethal violence at several occasions, turns out if you turn the other cheek to some people, they'll go for both. Again and again, until you learn the universal fact, that is, you cannot reason with cockroaches.

[TheBigREDOne]

Do not take the advice that most people are giving in this thread. Experience has taught me that additional violence is not the solution to this. Instead it alienates you from the person you're trying to protect and can even give the abusive person more power over them. If the man is involved with organized crime, what the fuck would attacking him do other than escalate the situation and make things worse. Get her in contact with a domestic abuse organization and just be supportive until she is ready to leave. Once she's ready they'll have ways of keeping her away from him, whether that means a shelter or courts or whatever. If she really wanted you to beat up her husband she would have asked you to do it by now, thats clearly not the solution she is looking for and you need to respect her wishes.

Everyone else needs to be much more responsible about the advice they are giving out, good grief.
But wouldn't deporting him just lead to him or his family attacking her family?

[mindsword]

But wouldn't deporting him just lead to him or his family attacking her family?

Exactly.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

But wouldn't deporting him just lead to him or his family attacking her family?

It's hard to say and it's a difficult position to be in for sure, but the reality is that a group dedicated to handling domestic violence is better equipped to answer that question than an internet forum filled with adolescent males with no stake in the situation. People in this thread can construe my advice however they'd like, but I've volunteered at women's shelters and I've dealt with similar situations in real life. If violence was enough to solve this then life would be a whole lot easier, but life just isn't easy.

[Gawd]

If he was in organized crime and you testify against him in any case, regardless or severity. You will be threatened or assaulted, possibly to death. I liked the beating him up part @M-L-C-F mentioned. But im afraid, he would retaliate with a little more radical approach considering he supports the patriarchy of islam.

Heres what I would do, invite them over for dinner, fuck it. No way in two fucks is he gonna hit her in public; they are kind outside of homes, and are extremely reclusive to people outside of family, because that's what their life surrounds, they are brought up not trusting anybody that isn't blood related or considered friendly enough to be family.

Maybe they are just upset.

Maybe they are just having the best sex ever? Maybe your jealous? ;)

But really, if you invite them over 2 things could happen. You could make friends with the household and potentially have life partners who would die for you and stop the 'accused violence.' Or you could analyze the patriarchs personality and straight up ask him if hes beating his wife when you are alone, be cool about it, like really cool; I would go as far as to suggest you beat your own wife just to be so cool about it. patriarchal Muslims don't enjoy personal questions like that from strangers.

Just remember who the victim is, and don't fall for his shit. Dont get the police involved until her life is in danger, shes a big girl; she can kill and hurt someone just as well as any man, it's not like shes helpless. Try and make friends with the household; THIS IS IMPORTANT, ASK THE HUSBAND OVER FOR DINNER, MENTION THAT HE SHOULD BRING HIS FAMILY. DON'T ASK THE WIFE OR HE WILL BE ANGRY.

They relax after about 30 minutes into dinner, ask to see his wife's face. and ask about their culture


They are probably just really fucking stressed out and sad, and have reallly grumpy sex

[GiantMonkeyMan]

Escalating violence seems like a pretty inconsiderate thing to do for the woman involved and her children. All you can really do, Regicollis, is show support to your friend and her kids and recommend her to a domestic abuse organisation, maybe getting in contact yourself with said organisation in order to get more experienced advice.

[Redistribute the Rep]

No way in two fucks is he gonna hit her in public

Probably not, but he can verbally abuse her, berate her, and humiliate her in front of others, as abusers often do. Domestic violence is not just hitting, it's about control and intimidation.

[M-L-C-F]

Do not take the advice that most people are giving in this thread.

Everyone else needs to be much more responsible about the advice they are giving out, good grief.


Escalating violence seems like a pretty inconsiderate thing to do for the woman involved and her children.

Please don't lump my comments in with mindsword's. I gave legitimate advise based on my past dealings with friends in abusive relationships. I didn't go on some insane tangent about using over-the-top violence like mindsword did either. I gave non-violent advice as well. They should also really put Gawd's post in the Trash Can. As he's a piece of shit, and has been restricted too.

Oh and btw, I'm a 28 year old man. Not some fucking adolescent punk kid. So your condescending comment on that, is a bunch of bullshit.

[Brutus]

Geez, it's like a bunch of edgy teenagers have commented on the situation.

[human strike]

baseball bats and people in numbers usually do the trick

if not, guns are even more effective. or so ive heard.
(tip: usually big calibres leave bigger holes in people, but also more mess. but they are more humane than blunt weapons or sharp weapons. if that any concern.)

chainsaws make alot of noise, but they have a nice intimidation effect. and after all, thats what he seems to like.

ive also heard castration is a nice way of preventing stupid anti-social behavior like that in the future.

i can only recommend the first one from personal experience.
now go take care of your women.

Are you being ironic?

[Rosa Partizan]

the first and most important step, namely realizing she has to get away, is done, which is in most cases difficult enough to achieve. Don't you listen to that folks here that goes like "beat him up." This would be like the most stupid thing to do and it would redound to her, so don't you even consider that. This is something that only professional organizations and authorities can manage, like, women's rights organizations, police or any kind of protection programs, I really have no idea of how things are in your country, but this exists in any western country. She can't deal with that by herself and some teenager morons slapping him won't help either.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

Please don't lump my comments in with mindsword's. I gave legitimate advise based on my past dealings with friends in abusive relationships. I didn't go on some insane tangent about using over-the-top violence like mindsword did either. I gave non-violent advice as well. They should also really put Gawd's post in the Trash Can. As he's a piece of shit, and has been restricted too.

Oh and btw, I'm a 28 year old man. Not some fucking adolescent punk kid. So your condescending comment on that, is a bunch of bullshit.

I'm not interested in attacking you but suggesting violence as a solution to this is irresponsible, though I'm sure it wasn't intended that way. Years ago I tried that approach when faced with a similar problem and the result was the exact opposite of what I had hoped for. Instead of protecting a friend, it put her in a more dangerous situation and at the same time betrayed her trust in me, and people who suffer abuse generally will not continue to confide in people they can't trust. Being the victim of abuse can be a source of shame and bringing it into public view through violence did her a great disservice in that regard. It wasn't until years later that I really understood how poorly I had handled that situation. The person suffering the abuse should be the one who gets to decide what the solution is, if they request that you beat someone up and you're willing to do it then fine, but you don't get to make that decision for them.

[M-L-C-F]

I'm not interested in attacking you but suggesting violence as a solution to this is irresponsible, though I'm sure it wasn't intended that way. Years ago I tried that approach when faced with a similar problem and the result was the exact opposite of what I had hoped for. Instead of protecting a friend, it put her in a more dangerous situation and at the same time betrayed her trust in me, and people who suffer abuse generally will not continue to confide in people they can't trust. Being the victim of abuse can be a source of shame and bringing it into public view through violence did her a great disservice in that regard. It wasn't until years later that I really understood how poorly I had handled that situation. The person suffering the abuse should be the one who gets to decide what the solution is, if they request that you beat someone up and you're willing to do it then fine, but you don't get to make that decision for them.

Oh, alright, my bad. I understand where you're coming from though. Which is why I didn't debate any of your points. As for the few situations I've been in. Two of them, the girl came to me or my friends about it. We said that we'll take care of it, and they were fine with that. I only did it on my own once, and they weren't mad in the end. They were only upset that they didn't leave sooner, so violence could've been avoided. She called me an idiot for it, but not in a real serious way. She was just happy to have it be over and done with, and grateful that I helped her get away.

Yeah, it could be seen as irresponsible. However, I don't like seeing women or anyone be the victims of abuse. I dealt with it, the way I felt I should've. Though if you can do it another way, without violence. Then that would be preferable. I don't do this in a "women need protection" sorta way. I do it cause they're my friends, and they need the help from me.

[Ann13]

It would probably be best to report him. Violence would only aggravate such a situation.

[mindsword]

Are you being ironic?
i might have been a little ironic, but the point still stands.. and as i said, that should be plan b.

ive met these cockroaches many times in my life. if they dont die, they just have their feelings hurt (self pride is the most important thing in their lives! its amazing!) and are likely to keep retaliating for as long as you live, especially the organized crime ones.. its a fucking fact.. if you cant talk to em, dont take ANY fucking risks......! remove the problem as fast as possible then remove the target from danger or vice versa.

[Zukunftsmusik]

i might have been a little ironic, but the point still stands.

No, it doesn't. This is a real scenario involving real people. Give proper advice, not some violence-romantic shite, or get the hell out of this thread.

[consuming negativity]

Abusers will say anything. The first step you should take is to question whether or not there's any actual risk here at all, or if you're dealing with someone who knows how to talk the talk and intimidate someone into inaction who wouldn't know any better. I'd go as far as to say there's a very good chance that he has no real ties to organized crime that would allow him to do much of anything to her, and that he's very unlikely to actually attempt to harm her or her children if there's any risk to himself. He's most likely extremely insecure and suffering from paranoid delusions, but he isn't stupid. What you can play against him, however, is the tendency of people like this to switch between "black and white" thinking about their own self esteem. He will go after any possible unrelated, useless "clue", but if he hasn't been given any reason to suspect anything, he'll be convinced that everything is going his way.

Let me explain.

These people maintain their control over others through isolating them from all outsiders, but especially people they perceive to be a threat. The minute he suspects you intend to help her, and he's already probably started doing this, is to force a wedge between you and your friend. He'll make shit up and attempt to control the version of reality that he sees, and if you do some radical shit like show up at their house with a bat, you're only going to give him the ammunition that he needs when he, one, takes it out on her, and two, then has what he will say is a very valid reason for completely cutting off her contact with you.

Therefore, if and when you intervene, it must be done with the informed consent of your friend. If you show her disrespect in any way, or otherwise try to be her knight in shining armor without her permission, she will stop trusting or relying on you because of your unpredictability. Abusers are unpredictable - she gets enough of that at home, and she is most likely incredibly frightened of anything that may set off her husband. You need to give her solid rocks - something that she can predict, something that is stable for her that she knows she can rely on. You must also make sure that he doesn't suspect anything until it's too late. Do your homework, talk with her and work with non-police figures to come up with a solid plan of action. Only involve the police once you're sure they will have the evidence they need to put him away; otherwise, you're just blowing your cover and it's going to come back on her twentyfold. Don't give him any more reasons than he already has to cut her tie with you - and help her to be able to foster ties with other friends, her family, and anybody else who would be willing to help her.

You could even see if she has any relationship with any other family members he might have. Sex or gender won't particularly matter; the vast majority of people are not okay with abusive relationships, despite what an abuser might try to pass off as "normal" to your friend. The important thing is to not let it get back to him, and I am definitely *not* suggesting you tell her to go to his family and tell them about the abuse. But depending on how well she knows his family, she may be able to make a judgment as to just how much danger she will actually be in - with the help of an outsider whose judgment is not clouded - if and when she goes through with leaving him, calling the police, or otherwise. If he doesn't have any family there, that's a much better sign than if he does. Most likely, he's already cut ties to them as much as possible. He probably doesn't trust them any more than he trusts anybody else - he doesn't trust anybody else either, although he is prone to making exceptions to this rule because of his black and white thinking.

She won't want the police involved, but convince her it's a good idea to document the abuse, because it is. Have her take a picture of every mark he leaves, and send it to a dummy email that you have the password to as well. That way, she can delete it on her camera or phone and he won't ever know. The more hard evidence you have against him, the better. Not only will it make your attempts at getting her away actually successful, but she will be able to be more confident in eventually confronting him, if that's the route she chooses to take, knowing that she has a plethora of very good evidence on her side that can land him in jail. If there was any danger of him doing shit, he's not going to do shit or contact anyone with the threat of 10-20 years in prison in the back of his mind.

Be there for her, and make sure her other friends are, too. Anything you can do to boost her confidence and show her that there's a light at the end of the tunnel will help her mentally throughout the ordeal. Get as much help for both of you as you can, and jump through the hoops necessary to nail that bastard to the ground. Good luck, and feel free to shoot me a PM if you want to talk about it either for helpful purposes or just to vent.

[mindsword]

Alternatively just contact a few human trafficking organizations..... they are usually pretty into this stuff.

[blake 3:17]

If you and your neighbours and people concerned are able to, I'd suggest very discretely giving her some money.

That's a scary situation.

[Thrasymachus]

Just stop being a big time spectator and drawing yourself in too much, avoid the emotional drain.

Ultimately if she wants to be a beating rod, she will remain one and there is nothing you can do. She may enjoy drawing you in as a forever spectator and drawing board for her gripes, it will feel good. She can moan and complain to after every particular nasty beating or spat, but still maintain stasis in the situation. This is the traditional gender role of the female as far virulent Islamic believers are concerned. I am sure you have enough problems or issues of your own, consider if you really want to be the third wheel that helps her cope, but never walk out entirely.