Pour Your Heart Out XXII

[Leftsolidarity]

yay new thread!

[TheGodlessUtopian]

So I guy I met online whom I have had my eye on for a few years has said that he was similar feelings for me; I must say, is the best news I have had in years :)

Of course, it is bitter sweet since we are separate by so much distance and will have to find a way to be together despite our divergent life paths. Still, hopefully we will find a way.

[consuming negativity]

It's frustrating to not be able to think of any good advice or kind words for the people in these threads sometimes. I just won't know what to say or what would even sound good to a person in X situation so far removed from the shit I've experienced. This is such a lame complaint, and understand that I'm only pouring my heart out insofar as I am expressing myself here, but generally speaking, being powerless while watching someone go through something nasty is difficult. The most heartbreaking time in recent memory was with one of my dogs who was having medical issues at the time. He's doing great now, but you can still see in the way he runs around sometimes that it affected him to a large degree. Of course, I was powerful insofar as I got him to a vet who could help him out as soon as possible, but I think you can all understand what kinda shit I'm talking about here.

Point is, I kinda like some of you fuckers. Stop having bad things happen, unless you're willing to fly over to the states for hugs and a coffee. :crying: And if you don't like coffee... suddenly I don't really care about your problems anymore! :lol: Joking, of course.

[Rosa Partizan]

It's frustrating to not be able to think of any good advice or kind words for the people in these threads sometimes. I just won't know what to say or what would even sound good to a person in X situation so far removed from the shit I've experienced. This is such a lame complaint, and understand that I'm only pouring my heart out insofar as I am expressing myself here, but generally speaking, being powerless while watching someone go through something nasty is difficult. The most heartbreaking time in recent memory was with one of my dogs who was having medical issues at the time. He's doing great now, but you can still see in the way he runs around sometimes that it affected him to a large degree. Of course, I was powerful insofar as I got him to a vet who could help him out as soon as possible, but I think you can all understand what kinda shit I'm talking about here.

Point is, I kinda like some of you fuckers. Stop having bad things happen, unless you're willing to fly over to the states for hugs and a coffee. :crying: And if you don't like coffee... suddenly I don't really care about your problems anymore! :lol: Joking, of course.

totally would....but you should have something more to offer :o

[Rosa Partizan]

So I ate that 8 Dollar ice cream in half an hour :rolleyes:
goddamn whats wrong with me.
btw, still not consequent enough for living completely vegan :rolleyes:

http://www.fotos-hochladen.net/uploads/img20140512walw6aj40ido.jpg

[Sinister Intents]

OMG I love Ice Cream :wub: I've got some vanilla ice cream if anyone wants to share (if anyone could share...)

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

totally would....but you should have something more to offer :o

If you flew to the states don't forget to stop in the mountains of western North Cack for a couple grrrls' nights out! We could turn Asheville upside down.
:grin:

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

My bff and I got into a terrible argument she cut off contact with me, now I hear rumors that she is suicidal or expressing suicidal ideations. I am freaking out because I don't know if she is okay. I wish I could tell her I love her and that everything is gonna be alright and that I'm here for her. :crying:

[Rosa Partizan]

why don't you just show up at her place? Aint that possible?

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

why don't you just show up at her place? Aint that possible?

I don't drive and i don't live within a reasonable distance since she moved into a city. Rubbertramping it isn't realistic at the moment.

[BIXX]

Is it not possible to call her or anything? I've been in a similar situation before, I hope everything goes ok...

[BIXX]

I don't seem to really desire anything. It's not that I'm content (I'm not) but there is nothing I can name to end that lack of content.

Maybe this is what it feels like to want freedom. Or maybe I'm just hopeless.

My life has no desire and no passion driving it. Except, I suppose, the urge to destroy. But I guess I gotta wait for that opportunity. Just a little longer, then I'm on my own.

[Futility Personified]

I'm getting so lazy. I haven't written jack shit for my novel in god knows how long, my day to day consists of playing battlefield (i'm level 91 now, oh dear) and applying for jobs, chilling at my friend's house after he finishes work and talking shit / about the lack of development in my life. My two closest friends, I love like brothers, but I think my constant talk of moving is putting them off a bit. I need to get out of here.

In the same way I regard finishing my work as some panacea to, well, my life, i'm starting to see moving to Bristol as the cure to all my problems. All the people I used to hang with at school piss me off, for various reasons. Either being really cliquey, or just being really.... i'd say drained of personality. Flawed though they were at school, there was a strong sense of identity in each individual. A character of the soul, or whatever pretentious shite you want to label it. Now there is.... I don't know, but I can't relate. I feel isolated in some respects, but whenever I see them I think "good fucking god, how tedious".

What's even worse it that the proto bar manager of what could be considered my local, or at least my favourite pisshole, is a former friend who takes career advancement really seriously. No longer welcome am I, he without ID. For better or worse most people know me, and I haven't done anything daft or stupid since the time I came back in my first year of uni, 2 years ago. If they know who I am and it can be easily verified, why be so hard on me?

All this snapchat stuff, all this smartphone culture, I can't relate. I have a 'shottas' phone, for the love of fuck. I don't particularly want a smartphone either. But when people talk to me, it's like it's from some bizarro planet where everyone is so funny, or so interesting, when they just communicate on some shitey software. I feel left out again, but I feel justified, again.

I started emailing this girl who I met on the bus a while ago as well. Turned out she was only 16, which really unsettled me. It's not like it's illegal, but it seems real fucking seedy. Didn't speak to her for about 2 months, now she emails me back asking to spend the afternoon together. I will, maybe it'll just be a nice day of talking about poetry or whatever, but I really hope she's 17 now. An arbitrary number will make me feel less like some sort of malignant cancerous fuckup.

I'm afraid that in 10 years time, I will have fulfilled none of my ambitions, my true friends will have moved on, and I will just be a bitter husk. I'll be right, all of the time, sure. Wonderful. Great. But does that really make being alone all the time worth it?

EDIT: And also, I don't know if it's reading over my posts over and over before posting them to make sure they feel right, but I swear this is what I write in this thread in different wording near every fucking time.

[Os Cangaceiros]

How do people here deal with other people they enjoyed being around exiting their lives, whether through death or through loss of contact?

[cyu]

I'm pretty sure they were made to eventually completely replace the people at the check-out counter. Instead of six people at six counters, you can have one person watching six machines, who only has to do anything when the machine fucks up or someone is buying alcohol or whatever. An example of a technological advance that is shitty under capitalism but would be great under... well, under the transition to communism, maybe.


As long as plutocrats are able to bribe the local thugs to prevent employees from seizing the means of production, then capitalists will keep getting richer off the surplus labor.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

Is it not possible to call her or anything? I've been in a similar situation before, I hope everything goes ok...

I know her phone isn't working. That was my first instinct.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

My bff and I got into a terrible argument she cut off contact with me, now I hear rumors that she is suicidal or expressing suicidal ideations. I am freaking out because I don't know if she is okay. I wish I could tell her I love her and that everything is gonna be alright and that I'm here for her. :crying:

Well, if you figure out something let me know, because I'm in a similar situation concerning my former friend-so-good-we-called-each-other-siblings.

Up to now my response has mostly been to ball up and fall apart, which doesn't seem to be working.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

Well, if you figure out something let me know, because I'm in a similar situation concerning my former friend-so-good-we-called-each-other-siblings.

Up to now my response has mostly been to ball up and fall apart, which doesn't seem to be working.

Mine called me her bff-who-she-kisses-sometimes. So, in a sense I feel you, there she will always hold a special place in my heart.

[Thirsty Crow]

Now the stuff you people write about make me remember last year and the fight between the person I also at points called my brother (being an only child hehe) and knowing him for 20+ years (friends from earliest childhood).

The lesson I took from that clusterfuck is: when someone changes to the point of not being able to recognize the friend in there anymore, and when this person acts like a complete idiot towards you showing not even an ounce of some kind of a decent human understanding - curse their name and never, ever look back.

Another lesson: in previous phases, don't close your eyes before signs of a storm approaching, and call them out on their problematic behavior - instead of lulling yourself with stories about how eh what can you do, it's just the way they are.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Now the stuff you people write about make me remember last year and the fight between the person I also at points called my brother (being an only child hehe) and knowing him for 20+ years (friends from earliest childhood).

The lesson I took from that clusterfuck is: when someone changes to the point of not being able to recognize the friend in there anymore, and when this person acts like a complete idiot towards you showing not even an ounce of some kind of a decent human understanding - curse their name and never, ever look back.

Another lesson: in previous phases, don't close your eyes before signs of a storm approaching, and call them out on their problematic behavior - instead of lulling yourself with stories about how eh what can you do, it's just the way they are.

The worst thing is that I know all of that - that's how it should work. Someone should tell my brain that, it might cause it to stop switching from rage mode to sad mode every femtosecond.

What's happening with you? You fought the law, who won?

[Sinister Intents]

When someone tells me to just let go of the things that bother me. Like it's so easy to just let go and forget without constantly reminding yourself et cetera. I've thought, lately, that maybe I should stab that person, and then just tell them to get over it and it'll be okay. Just let go of the fact that I violently stabbed you in the gut with a sharp knife, and let go of the fact that you're bleeding. It'll go away. Bastards

[Thirsty Crow]

What helped in my case is sheer physical proximity, or rather the lack of it, and all contacts being cut off. So confusion, regret and this nasty ambiguity is slowly taken over by anger, clear insight into things and in the end despisal (as a side note I didn't know about this noun form of the verb; it seems fishy)

Eh, an official appeal will be made but slowly I'm thinking of some alternative, guerilla tactics of fighting this shit.

[Rosa Partizan]

When someone tells me to just let go of the things that bother me. Like it's so easy to just let go and forget without constantly reminding yourself et cetera. I've thought, lately, that maybe I should stab that person, and then just tell them to get over it and it'll be okay. Just let go of the fact that I violently stabbed you in the gut with a sharp knife, and let go of the fact that you're bleeding. It'll go away. Bastards

It's the same with people who go like "I know how you feel" or "this will go by" and all that shitty standard sayings you've heard a 1000 times before. I prefer to be honest about it and just say "I'll listen to you and be there, but I have no fucking clue how you feel", when talking to my girls who have depression and Borderline disorders. It's unbelieveable how many females here in their 20ies have a therapist.

[human strike]

It's Tuesday which means sign-on day tomorrow. I believe I say this every week, but I fucking hate the jobcentre.


I'm getting so lazy. I haven't written jack shit for my novel in god knows how long, my day to day consists of playing battlefield (i'm level 91 now, oh dear) and applying for jobs, chilling at my friend's house after he finishes work and talking shit / about the lack of development in my life. My two closest friends, I love like brothers, but I think my constant talk of moving is putting them off a bit. I need to get out of here.

In the same way I regard finishing my work as some panacea to, well, my life, i'm starting to see moving to Bristol as the cure to all my problems. All the people I used to hang with at school piss me off, for various reasons. Either being really cliquey, or just being really.... i'd say drained of personality. Flawed though they were at school, there was a strong sense of identity in each individual. A character of the soul, or whatever pretentious shite you want to label it. Now there is.... I don't know, but I can't relate. I feel isolated in some respects, but whenever I see them I think "good fucking god, how tedious".

What's even worse it that the proto bar manager of what could be considered my local, or at least my favourite pisshole, is a former friend who takes career advancement really seriously. No longer welcome am I, he without ID. For better or worse most people know me, and I haven't done anything daft or stupid since the time I came back in my first year of uni, 2 years ago. If they know who I am and it can be easily verified, why be so hard on me?

All this snapchat stuff, all this smartphone culture, I can't relate. I have a 'shottas' phone, for the love of fuck. I don't particularly want a smartphone either. But when people talk to me, it's like it's from some bizarro planet where everyone is so funny, or so interesting, when they just communicate on some shitey software. I feel left out again, but I feel justified, again.

I started emailing this girl who I met on the bus a while ago as well. Turned out she was only 16, which really unsettled me. It's not like it's illegal, but it seems real fucking seedy. Didn't speak to her for about 2 months, now she emails me back asking to spend the afternoon together. I will, maybe it'll just be a nice day of talking about poetry or whatever, but I really hope she's 17 now. An arbitrary number will make me feel less like some sort of malignant cancerous fuckup.

I'm afraid that in 10 years time, I will have fulfilled none of my ambitions, my true friends will have moved on, and I will just be a bitter husk. I'll be right, all of the time, sure. Wonderful. Great. But does that really make being alone all the time worth it?

EDIT: And also, I don't know if it's reading over my posts over and over before posting them to make sure they feel right, but I swear this is what I write in this thread in different wording near every fucking time.

I know lots of people (mostly men) in their early twenties living in small towns in similar situations. I always advise them to gtfo of where they are and go somewhere bigger where things actually happen. It's not guaranteed to make things better, but it's unlikely to make them worse.

[Ele'ill]

I don't really consider myself to have had a lot of experiences because some people I know have done a lot more (in my opinion) and have had a lot more experiences that they can look back on (I know that's generalizing and like 'what is an experience' I guess things outside of the mundane day to day activities we do) but a lot of folks who I talk to, a lot of friends, say that I have lived a colorful life (through hardly any effort of my own it seems, on most occasions). There is a feeling I've had since I was a kid that I would end up in a life state of paralysis and that there was nothing here for me and while I don't think that has exactly come true I feel like my life never really began, or hasn't begun yet.

[Ele'ill]

it seems like the intense moments I'd consider experiences, never last long its like having to go to work in the middle of the newest Walking Dead episode

[Os Cangaceiros]

I don't really consider myself to have had a lot of experiences because some people I know have done a lot more (in my opinion) and have had a lot more experiences that they can look back on (I know that's generalizing and like 'what is an experience' I guess things outside of the mundane day to day activities we do) but a lot of folks who I talk to, a lot of friends, say that I have lived a colorful life (through hardly any effort of my own it seems, on most occasions). There is a feeling I've had since I was a kid that I would end up in a life state of paralysis and that there was nothing here for me and while I don't think that has exactly come true I feel like my life never really began, or hasn't begun yet.

That's a double-edged sword though, because I've talked to a lot of people with "colorful lives" and have thought, wow, I'm glad that shit never happened to me

Esp. in regards to my childhood...I've talked to a lot of people who had really chaotic fucked-up childhoods and I'm glad my childhood was boring.

[Crabbensmasher]

It's frustrating to not be able to think of any good advice or kind words for the people in these threads sometimes. I just won't know what to say or what would even sound good to a person in X situation so far removed from the shit I've experienced. This is such a lame complaint, and understand that I'm only pouring my heart out insofar as I am expressing myself here, but generally speaking, being powerless while watching someone go through something nasty is difficult. The most heartbreaking time in recent memory was with one of my dogs who was having medical issues at the time. He's doing great now, but you can still see in the way he runs around sometimes that it affected him to a large degree. Of course, I was powerful insofar as I got him to a vet who could help him out as soon as possible, but I think you can all understand what kinda shit I'm talking about here.



I feel the same way, but towards 2 people in my life who live half way across the country and all the way across the country respectively. Like, some of the shit I'm hearing from one of them is so fucking sad. It's like they keep getting fucked and fucked and fucked. Sometimes you think of a disaster scenario like that and you're like 'No, there's no possibility things could get that shitty. Nobody would let that happen', but of course, it can and it does. Hah, I guess that's all the peril of living with no gods.

It's nothing life-or-death, at least for now, but just some really fucked up crap that nobody my age should have to deal with. I feel really guilty typing this up, because it comes across like I'm complaining, or I'm hurting in some way. In truth, I am absolutely fine.

Eh, iunno, I just worry and feel sad for people and I'm still really young and naive and I don't know anything and I want to love everything

[Rosa Partizan]

oh no, not another okcupid-post, but srsly, why do people keep writing you just to tell you how stupid they find your attitude? Some guy was like "look how females nowadays here in Europe have more privileges than guys, so who is fighting for men's rights?" Yeah, who, apart from the whole world? :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: Need some bullshit-filter in those PM box or something.

[Loony Le Fist]

oh no, not another okcupid-post, but srsly, why do people keep writing you just to tell you how stupid they find your attitude? Some guy was like "look how females nowadays here in Europe have more privileges than guys, so who is fighting for men's rights?" Yeah, who, apart from the whole world? :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: Need some bullshit-filter in those PM box or something.

At least they are making things easier for you by removing themselves from the selection pool. :grin:

[Quail]

oh no, not another okcupid-post, but srsly, why do people keep writing you just to tell you how stupid they find your attitude? Some guy was like "look how females nowadays here in Europe have more privileges than guys, so who is fighting for men's rights?" Yeah, who, apart from the whole world? :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: Need some bullshit-filter in those PM box or something.

I'm almost tempted to set my profile so that straight dudes can see me out of curiosity but I reckon it would probably just be depressing. Most bi women seem to have a disclaimer somewhere in their profile telling people to stop messaging them about threesomes.

Still, only on there to try and meet more friends... Which somehow feels more awkward than trying to make friends in real life.

---

Went to a couple of bars with some people I met in a bar last night. It was a good night out for saying I didn't actually know these people before last night. I kind of become "aggressively feminist" when I'm drunk. There was a guy trying to hit on me which was... weird because I was in a fucking gay bar. If you're a dude and you go into a gay bar you're probably not going to have much luck with the ladies...

[human strike]

So I'm giving up on someone I've been sort of seeing for a while. It's really difficult even though I know it's the right thing to do because they've been messing me around for ages, even if I am pretty sure it's mainly a result of their crippling social anxiety. I have been more than patient and understanding with them, but I still feel bad. Pushing someone away even when they're not really there anyway goes completely against my nature. I have other people in my life - way better people - but that doesn't detract from the fact that I liked this person, even though they dicked me around (or maybe because of it?). :(

[Ele'ill]

So I was sick a few days ago just feeling like I had a cold that was going to last about a day. That turned into a bad cold that I thought was turning into a sinus infection that last night I was sure was actually influenza because I was up all fucking night with heat pouring off of me and now it feels like I am probably dying. I'm getting periods of borderline hallucinations, tunnel vision, no appetite, no nicotine cravings, although I don't feel like I still have that fever.

[Quail]

So I was sick a few days ago just feeling like I had a cold that was going to last about a day. That turned into a bad cold that I thought was turning into a sinus infection that last night I was sure was actually influenza because I was up all fucking night with heat pouring off of me and now it feels like I am probably dying. I'm getting periods of borderline hallucinations, tunnel vision, no appetite, no nicotine cravings, although I don't feel like I still have that fever.

Hope you feel better soon :(

[Dennis the 'Bloody Peasant']

Bored. Just bored all the time and the only things that give me a break form the boredom are shallow and fleeting (listening to podcasts, watching crap on Netflix, self-abuse, day-dreaming) or come in the shape of my boys who are amazing but also very very tiring and frustrating (3 year old and 10 month old, a lot of crying and clinging and..being children). Wife and I don't do much with the few we have between kids in bed and our bedtime, usually washing / cleaning up, watching TV, being tired.
So, nothing major, nothing interesting, just petty late 20s white male wingeing.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

Having a manic episode. Yay, me. :(

[Sinister Intents]

Sudden onset anxiety sucks... At least I've stuff that'll help and no current school assignments to procrastinate.

[Rosa Partizan]

guys, what about some okcupid thread? I feel like totally spamming this whole thing here and in fact, I got some new story. Does it bother anyone that I'm like "omg okcupid again" all the time? Just shows how fucking boring my life is :crying::laugh: (currently, there's really some lame routine, but still better than bad things happening)

[Sinister Intents]

My OkCupid routine is look for new people, message the people who have a high match percent, and watch as I recieve no message back :( Also you don't come across as someone who has a boring life Rosa ;) You seem very awesome!

[Rosa Partizan]

My OkCupid routine is look for new people, message the people who have a high match percent, and watch as I recieve no message back :( Also you don't come across as someone who has a boring life Rosa ;) You seem very awesome!

http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130323182521/austinally/images/7/7f/Oh_stop_it,_you.jpg

in fact, it's not me but some awesome people making my life slightly exciting from time to time :lol:

[Sinister Intents]

http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130323182521/austinally/images/7/7f/Oh_stop_it,_you.jpg

in fact, it's not me but some awesome people making my life slightly exciting from time to time :lol:

We all need awesome people! I've awesome people here on RevLeft I know this and you're one of those awesome people here!

I'd chat longer and message better at the moment, but I just got word that my grandmother's dog is dying :crying: He's a Rottweiler named Bear

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

loads of my friends are moving away or have full-time jobs and (once again) I find myself hanging on in a slowly disintegrating friendship group. At least there's still a few of us who are still not gainfully employed and like playing multiplayer games on the SNES. I'm not feeling confident about getting on a masters course atm ( we'll see I guess) but to be honest I really wonder whether I actually want to do anything but sit around and drink beer.

I think that's the heat talking. So hot.

[Einkarl]

So in broke up with this girl a few days ago. About 2 days before we got into an argument but made up and that night we were having a conversation on the phone late into the morning. We started asking questions and HAD to answer truthfully. The questions began playful enough but as the conversation went on they got really serious. Long story short she confided in me that she still has feelings for an ex of hers and that if he called her and wanted to get back with her that she would. At first I was really confused, I like this girl a lot and care about her deeply but I didn't want to feel like something she had to settle for. I decided that I didn't want to be that and told her to persue her ex. I wasn't mad at her and I appreciate her honesty but I felt hurt nonetheless. I told her that I wanted to be her friend.

Since we broke up we're still talking every day and still have conversations late into the wee hours of the morning. She had always said she still wanted me but she hasn't changed her position on that other guy. Yet she's always saying that she loves me, "te quiero", or she says I'm her perfect guy. She gets really sexual with me even though she didn't want to have sex in weeks before we broke up. Idk guys I get really confused and I feel very sad. I feel like a putz sometimes but I can't help having this urge to go back to her. But I don't even know if I'd take her back, even if everything changed. She's dated me longer than she has this ex too. I'm just sad.

BTW I'm on my phone, so sorry for how atrocious this post is.

Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk

[Sinister Intents]

I'm pretty sure my mom knows I'm interested in crossdressing by the things I've said. She told me she thinks I'd look bad as a woman. I'm contemplating telling her, but only her....

[Ele'ill]

folks sharing their okcupid profiles I assume you're sharing it with people you trust and am not going to question your judgement but sharing okcupid profile info openly on forums like this are a really bad idea

[Ele'ill]

Hope you feel better soon :(

thanks, worked today it was one of those days that when you walk in it is so terrible for everyone for various reasons that everyone is in a good mood just like a list of shit mainly stuff stopping us from working like we normally would

I'm pretty sure it is the flu because I still have a slight fever and it is kind of threatening to go into my chest cause I got a shortness of breath thing happening.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

So I talked to my bff. She is doing fine. Not pissed at me anymore either but most importantly she is doing okay now.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

Though I am soooo done

[#FF0000]

hm

[Rosa Partizan]

hm

wanna make out or at least smoke some pot?

(Usually, I don't smoke, but love to make an exception for you) :wub:

[Ele'ill]

fever broke earlier today I was getting worried cause it was still bad around noon. I feel good enough to think 'I should go out for drinks tonight' and then that lingering flu feeling that's telling me it will all come back

[#FF0000]

Not sure if it's worth continuing to take my medicine. I think they're helping a little bit but I'm feeling every side-effect and it's uh pretty unpleasant. That makes me wonder if I ever needed it in the first place.



wanna make out or at least smoke some pot?

(Usually, I don't smoke, but love to make an exception for you) :wub:

:wub:

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

After last night I aint drinking for a while. Oh fuck it, here I go...

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

And in a little bit it's more ink, this is all I can do being stuck in the middle of nowhere.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

Wrote a song instead. But I rigged up a tattoo needle for another night.

[Quail]

folks sharing their okcupid profiles I assume you're sharing it with people you trust and am not going to question your judgement but sharing okcupid profile info openly on forums like this are a really bad idea
Is anyone actually doing this? If so, point a mod/admin to the posts because it goes against the no personal info rule. Unless you mean sharing the fact that the users have an okc profile, in which case I'd recommend being careful if it might be possible to guess your user name (you probably wouldn't guess mine, fwiw).



Not sure if it's worth continuing to take my medicine. I think they're helping a little bit but I'm feeling every side-effect and it's uh pretty unpleasant. That makes me wonder if I ever needed it in the first place.

If you're still getting loads of unpleasant side effects after a few months (can't remember when you started taking your meds sorry) then might be worth going back to the doctor and trying something different, or which works in the same way but has fewer side effects.

[human strike]

So I'm giving up on someone I've been sort of seeing for a while. It's really difficult even though I know it's the right thing to do because they've been messing me around for ages, even if I am pretty sure it's mainly a result of their crippling social anxiety. I have been more than patient and understanding with them, but I still feel bad. Pushing someone away even when they're not really there anyway goes completely against my nature. I have other people in my life - way better people - but that doesn't detract from the fact that I liked this person, even though they dicked me around (or maybe because of it?). :(

But maybe I should give them another chance? What do you reckon; three strikes?


guys, what about some okcupid thread? I feel like totally spamming this whole thing here and in fact, I got some new story. Does it bother anyone that I'm like "omg okcupid again" all the time? Just shows how fucking boring my life is :crying::laugh: (currently, there's really some lame routine, but still better than bad things happening)

I disabled my account: serious business!


Is anyone actually doing this? If so, point a mod/admin to the posts because it goes against the no personal info rule. Unless you mean sharing the fact that the users have an okc profile, in which case I'd recommend being careful if it might be possible to guess your user name (you probably wouldn't guess mine, fwiw).

If you know someone's age (even just roughly), gender, orientation and general location then you can find them very easily on that site.


So in broke up with this girl a few days ago. About 2 days before we got into an argument but made up and that night we were having a conversation on the phone late into the morning. We started asking questions and HAD to answer truthfully. The questions began playful enough but as the conversation went on they got really serious. Long story short she confided in me that she still has feelings for an ex of hers and that if he called her and wanted to get back with her that she would. At first I was really confused, I like this girl a lot and care about her deeply but I didn't want to feel like something she had to settle for. I decided that I didn't want to be that and told her to persue her ex. I wasn't mad at her and I appreciate her honesty but I felt hurt nonetheless. I told her that I wanted to be her friend.

Since we broke up we're still talking every day and still have conversations late into the wee hours of the morning. She had always said she still wanted me but she hasn't changed her position on that other guy. Yet she's always saying that she loves me, "te quiero", or she says I'm her perfect guy. She gets really sexual with me even though she didn't want to have sex in weeks before we broke up. Idk guys I get really confused and I feel very sad. I feel like a putz sometimes but I can't help having this urge to go back to her. But I don't even know if I'd take her back, even if everything changed. She's dated me longer than she has this ex too. I'm just sad.

BTW I'm on my phone, so sorry for how atrocious this post is.

Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk

Is it not possible for someone to be into more than one person? And this other person is their ex for a reason, right? People don't stay in love with their exes forever.

[Einkarl]

Is it not possible for someone to be into more than one person? And this other person is their ex for a reason, right? People don't stay in love with their exes forever.

Of course it's possible. What's your point?

She said she'd leave me for him. They dated for weeks, we dated for way longer.

[Comrade Jacob]

Hull lost the FA Cup, it's a harsh way to lose but I'm just happy we got this far.:crying:

[Quail]

If you know someone's age (even just roughly), gender, orientation and general location then you can find them very easily on that site.


Fair enough. I don't really understand how it works :unsure: so I hadn't considered how easy/difficult it might be to search for someone.

*jedi mind tricks* this is not the profile you're looking for

[Rosa Partizan]

a close friend of mine is in some abusive relationship with her brother. He suffers from schizophrenia and hacks her fb account to read the PMs she exchanges with her bf and wants her to cut down that relationship so that he and she "can live forever together and never have relationships and never marry". And this is really only one story in a long row of creepy stories. Every time they think his situation has improved and he doesn't need to go to the mental institution (again), he shows some really threatening and compulsive behavior. He's talking about zionist world order all day and that Mossad is after him :/

[motion denied]

kill me, kill me now

[Lily Briscoe]

...so I'm engaged (holy fuck)... Currently waiting for my mind to reattach itself to my body...

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

went out last night on a pub crawl and got chatting to someone who honestly I've had bit of a crush on for a while, turned out we have loads in common and get on really well and kind of think each other are great.

the pub crawl was organised as a goodbye thing, she goes back to Alabama on Tuesday.

buh

[Ele'ill]

i am still sick, i am really glad i didn't just keep smoking cigarettes and going out drinking, i stopped all of that the day my throat felt like shit, this could have been even worse than it is

[motion denied]

so I'll graduate uni in a few years (well, if they don't kick me out first) and I keep thinking what's the point... I hate my degree and I don't see any other that I would like, I'm that dude who talks to no-one and spends all his time alone doing fuck-all... I can't articulate a word wtf. Then i'll graduate and, best case scenario, have a shit fucking job with shit fucking wage I don't know my folks are getting old

Sorry for the bad english i'm just sad, drunk and lonely

[consuming negativity]

so I'll graduate uni in a few years (well, if they don't kick me out first) and I keep thinking what's the point... I hate my degree and I don't see any other that I would like, I'm that dude who talks to no-one and spends all his time alone doing fuck-all... I can't articulate a word wtf. Then i'll graduate and, best case scenario, have a shit fucking job with shit fucking wage I don't know my folks are getting old

Sorry for the bad english i'm just sad, drunk and lonely

The point is having enough money to get as high and drunk as you want without living uncomfortably.

At least, that's the conclusion I came to over the course of my now-ending college career in which I was the same lonely-yet-constantly-intoxicated person you seem to be describing.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Man things haven't been going well for me lately. Physical health seems to be on the decline in a pretty serious way.

I don't think I post productively here anymore. It just seems like lately I've just been posting a bunch of dumb stuff...a lot of my favorite posters seem to have left too. :( I might take a break from this place myself.

[BIXX]

Man things haven't been going well for me lately. Physical health seems to be on the decline in a pretty serious way.

I don't think I post productively here anymore. It just seems like lately I've just been posting a bunch of dumb stuff...a lot of my favorite posters seem to have left too. :( I might take a break from this place myself.


:(
No
Pls stay

But seriously, I like you. Stay on the boards!

[Crabbensmasher]

What the fuck.

Well kids, it seems like yet another friend of mine is very depressed. I'm just going to say this is inherent to the fucked up society we live under, and take out my pathetic rage (if you can even call it that) on the system. It might very well be the position I'm looking from, but it seems like nobody my age is happy.

I think what I'll do is I'll steal some old van and drive all my screwed-over friends and myself to some farm in the middle of nowhere and we'll just live there and be happy forever.

[BIXX]

What the fuck.

Well kids, it seems like yet another friend of mine is very depressed. I'm just going to say this is inherent to the fucked up society we live under, and take out my pathetic rage (if you can even call it that) on the system. It might very well be the position I'm looking from, but it seems like nobody my age is happy.

I think what I'll do is I'll steal some old van and drive all my screwed-over friends and myself to some farm in the middle of nowhere and we'll just live there and be happy forever.


I read "van" as "man" and as such I was super confused.

But seriously that sounds awesome.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I read "van" as "man" and as such I was super confused.

But seriously that sounds awesome.

"Steal an old man" :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[BIXX]

"Steal an old man" :laugh::laugh::laugh:


Haha, "some old man" to make it even more terrifying for the old-man populous.

[Rosa Partizan]

So I "met" a guy on Okcupid last Thursday and contact became intense somehow quickly. After our first, pretty long phone conversation he asked me if I'd like to visit him. I said yeah sure. He lives 150 miles away. We had very regular contact until yesterday. Everything seemed fine when he wrote me "I have a pretty stressful life, with university, job, workout (sports is really important to him, that's what he told me right from the start) and I couldn't imagine a relationship right now, not even with someone from the nearby town, let alone with someone 150 miles away. I know if you were here, we'd get along pretty well and end up in bed, and the days where I used to fuck women I hardly know are actually over. We couldn't meet up as often as I'd like you to see, so there's no use starting this". He's probably gonna call tonight, but I doubt it will change anything. Yeah, this was clear as fuck. I was completely unimpressed by the vast majority of guys there writing me, but as soon as there's someone I could like, he doesn't live in my surrounding area and fucks me up before we even met. So totally me.

[BIXX]

I want to not be a disappointment anymore.

I want someone to realize how much of a fucking accomplishment it can be for me to just get out of bed in the morning.

I want someone to ask me how I'm feeling.

I want to be able to call someone and say "hey wanna hang out?" And just be able to relax- not have to console them because of their own shit.

I wanna have someone to just get high with and watch a dumb movie.

I want to hang out with someone and not feel like I have to show them a part of me that isn't there.

I wanna want to take care of people but I'm so fucking tired of it.

I want to be taken care of, really, or be allowed to take care of myself.

I want to beat the shit out of Henry.

I want to beat the shit out of Tucker.

I want to beat the shit out of a lot of people for the way they've made me feel.

I wanna abandon all of my projects to more capable hands and go on the run.

I want to feel like I'm worthy of my friend.

I want so much and I've lost my capacity to give.

[consuming negativity]

If it makes you feel any better, EchoShock, the person named "Tucker" is named "Tucker". That's always something you'll have on them.

I know how it feels to give and give and feel like you never receive back. Sometimes you have to just look out for yourself and go into survival mode. People are giving by nature, but we're also a bit selfish too, and that's not always a bad thing. And I know how hard it sounds when you feel so down about yourself, and are probably struggling with depression... I know the feeling about how getting out of bed is probably the hardest thing you can do in a day. But a lot of why you feel down is probably compounded by your relationships - you care what people think of you. You want to give but you also want someone to want to give the way you do. Give to yourself and care about yourself because you're just as good as they are. They spend time praying to the porcelain god when they drink too much and have to wipe their asses every day just like you do. Fuck 'em, friend.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I'm turning 25 soon, and I've become obsessed with age... I'm always trying to guess the age of people I meet, trying to see if I still find people in their thirties and forties attractive (I've already mentally set my age to that...), worrying if I look young, if I am young, worrying about dying and not existing... apparently if things are going alright for me my brain will invent new problems to torture me. I want some real problems.

[cyu]

I sometimes wonder if there's some average "attractiveness" that people gravitate around. If someone considers themselves physically unattractive, maybe they go the extra mile to cultivate other aspects of themselves to improve their attractiveness, whether it's kindness, intelligence, athleticism, humor, or whatever. If someone considers themselves physically attractive, maybe they stop trying, or purposely adopt unattractive behaviors in order to avoid unwanted attention, or become extra nasty because they think they can get away with it, or unknowingly become self-centered because often others tend to put them at the center as well.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I know how you feel Echo...

I wanted to say all these nice words but...well...you know...

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

I've run out of beer and i'm behind on another essay and I have 2 exams to go and i'd like these circumstances to change please

[#FF0000]

Damn son getting back on track with a diet is hard as heck without access to a gym

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

re: last few posts

this all fucking blows, I'm tired of doing all this work - to what goal? I don't have a goal! I pursue academic work practically as a reflex because I hardly know anything else and what I know is almost always bad. And I'm physically, mentally, emotionally tired, exhausted even. I sit here now not even twenty percent onto what I have to hand in tomorrow, and I just can't do it anymore. I can't conceive of how I haven't learned my lesson on leaving things late after the panic-breakdown-late submission-disappointment cycle of my dissertation, but here I am, paralysed again. It's worse now after the sheer emotional shock of actually having a panic attack/minor breakdown or whatever that was, I feel like a lot of my resolve is gone.

Add to that all this feelings bullshit (I knew she was going to go back, I knew when, on some level I knew a lot of things why am I surprised/anything) and really have to wonder if I'll make it to the holidays, let alone make it through them. I just don't know if I actually have the strength, there's only a set amount of me but all this bad stuff (including deep-ass wells of mental and bodily self-loathing) seems to operate on feedback loops, even if I win one day I'll just lose the next.

Logically I know this is a combination of biological, economic and cultural factors outside my control coupled with a lot of admittedly poor choices on my part - but I can't help making that appeal - what did I ever do that was bad enough to deserve this?

[slum]

fucking exam and paper season man i leave everything to the last minute every time and now i've got a good few days of working my ass off, wanting to throw up, and turning in mediocre work after all the stressing out i did. i never fucking learn.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I feel fucking old here... for pete's sake, i'm only 32!!!

[Quail]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has left all my uni work until the last fucking minute. Got a couple of reports in tomorrow, working my arse off today, will probably get them done in the early hours of the morning. Ugh, whyyy.

Interestingly though, I've found that switching between my academic work and creative writing makes me really productive in both. Stressed out by my work? Do some relaxing creative writing for a bit and then switch back to writing my report.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

I swear I partly do it as part of some warped guilt/imposter complex. Like last night and now I am more or less deliberately procrastinating to the extent that it's impossible for me to finish before the deadline and it'll be second piece of work I've turned in late this year - out of two late pieces of work ever both have been in the last few months. I honestly don't feel I have any control over my actions whatsoever and why I'm actively ruining my degree right end is just beyond me.

[Quail]

I think I do that too. Part of it is stress-related I guess, and worrying that I'm going to fail. I definitely kind of self-sabotaged an open book assessment thing a few weeks ago by getting pissed instead of doing it in the time I had put aside for it and I had to hand it in slightly incomplete right at the last minute.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

the knowledge that I live less than five miles from what is apparently one of the top ten suicide bridges is at the back of my mind and won't go away

this isn't very good

[#FF0000]

if it helps, suicide by jumping off a bridge is incredibly painful

[Thirsty Crow]

Not yet officially diagnosed, but the paper excusing my failure to graduate on grounds of anxious-depressive "disturbances" is right by my hand as I type this. As this was the only way I could secure even the possibility to graduate in the future.

I'll go on with therapy actually; it's kinda interesting and I wanna see what will come of it. Though, all of this makes me reconsider many things. I don't think my failure was only due to these problems; I simply have to admit that I was and am a lazy ass as well, and losing interest in the field (literature) also played its role. So I do kinda have a nagging feeling that I'm cheating sorta, maybe even deluding myself systematically; I hope to get rid of it by such reconsideration.

Anyway, now it's time for some viable short term and mid term plans; and carrying them out, which was always a problem for me.

[Rosa Partizan]

Not yet officially diagnosed, but the paper excusing my failure to graduate on grounds of anxious-depressive "disturbances" is right by my hand as I type this. As this was the only way I could secure even the possibility to graduate in the future.

I'll go on with therapy actually; it's kinda interesting and I wanna see what will come of it. Though, all of this makes me reconsider many things. I don't think my failure was only due to these problems; I simply have to admit that I was and am a lazy ass as well, and losing interest in the field (literature) also played its role. So I do kinda have a nagging feeling that I'm cheating sorta, maybe even deluding myself systematically; I hope to get rid of it by such reconsideration.

Anyway, now it's time for some viable short term and mid term plans; and carrying them out, which was always a problem for me.

I can totally relate to that. It's not some mental issue with me, but a combination of laziness and evanescent lack of interest that made me extend my studies far too long. Fortunately, I got midterms finished on time, so they can't exmatriculate me anyway, but I could've graduated easily with 24 or 25. However, I work a lot, so this is not the worst excuse. Still, I could work less and study more. But...nah, I love spending money, so this is no option :frog:

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

if it helps, suicide by jumping off a bridge is incredibly painful

weirdly enough the post I was going to post made me feel better, there's something weirdly satisfying about looking up statistics about public buildings (emphasis I guess on the weird bit.) On the other hand it's probably a bit too ghoulish even for this thread in this context (although for reference it is still the seventh longest single-span suspension bridge in the world with a total length of 2200m and over 1400m between the bridge towers, holding the record of first longest between 1981 and 1998. The towers are apparently 3 1/2 cm further apart at the top than the bottom because of the curvature of the earth. Blew my mind a bit.)

[Crabbensmasher]

The towers are apparently 3 1/2 cm further apart at the top than the bottom because of the curvature of the earth. Blew my mind a bit.)

That is pretty cool.

[slum]

I think I do that too. Part of it is stress-related I guess, and worrying that I'm going to fail. I definitely kind of self-sabotaged an open book assessment thing a few weeks ago by getting pissed instead of doing it in the time I had put aside for it and I had to hand it in slightly incomplete right at the last minute.

i'm supposed to graduate at the end of this month so i think my self-sabotage instincts realized i was about to get something accomplished for once in my life and kicked in full gear. i'll still graduate ofc but i'll turn in a mediocre paper or get a C on an exam and thus absolve myself of ever doing "well" on something from start to finish.

self-sabotage is so strange to me, i feel out of control of my actions, it's as if i'm afraid on some level of being competent at something. like if i never meet my own expectations then i don't have to readjust my image of myself to something more positive? like what, i'm afraid if i graduate i'll have to give up my sense of innate badness? i mean shit, i can be just as innately bad with a bachelor's degree as without one. i don't put any stock in pieces of paper and socially agreed upon 'achievements' anyway, and frankly i know what i study is bullshit, i'm only still in school since they pay me and i prefer it to retail where'd i'd make a little more money but be bored out of my mind.

i think i'm really just afraid of something ending (even tho i'm going right back for grad school next year), or in having to consider myself an 'adult'- which is dumb, since i've worked and lived on my own for five or so years now, i buy my own toilet paper and clean the oven periodically and pay rent. there's no reason for me to still feel like i'm faking being an adult.

can't tell if it's mental health issues or my personality or just the state of being for any underemployed, overeducated twenty-something who knows well enough that the economic situation is not going to improve. if this generation needs a salaried 9-5 and a car to attain 'adult' status we're gonna have to adjust our expectations.

[human strike]

Ugh I'm so bored of separation anxiety. I wanna cry and there isn't really even anything one can say is wrong.

After no contact for several months, my ex who became abusive at the end of our relationship six months ago, has contacted me saying she needs to talk to me. I've no intention of seeing her but I want to know why and what exactly she wants. In the past she's only used it as an opportunity to fuck with me - I'm very much done with giving her opportunities to do that - but if she can give me a good reason I might talk with her through a mediator, I know there are activists in the area who can help with this kind of thing. I could potentially gain something from it; she's moving into a friend's house nearby me and I would like to feel less scared and paranoid, but it'd be taking a big risk talking with her again, I really doubt she's going to want to hear any of things I might have to say.

I'm not sure if this needs a trigger warning but to be on the safe side; TW: eating disorders.

Is it appropriate to talk about someone else's eating disorder here? Maybe it's enough to say that a friend is suffering (though they have been for a long time) and it upsets me and I don't know what the best way of supporting them is: we don't (yet) talk about it especially openly. I'd like to know what to do (if anything much) in this situation; I'm finding more and more that people I know and care about have issues surrounding food (including possibly myself?) and am a bit lost with it all.

[Quail]

I think the best way of supporting someone with an eating disorder is just being there for them. You can't really do anything to change their behaviour because there is generally an underlying issue which needs to be resolved before they can start to get better, and even if they want to get better it can be so difficult. If they've been suffering for a while they probably don't even know what normal eating looks like any more, and probably have digestive issues which make it difficult to eat again, and so on. But if you just let them know that you will support them and that you love and care about them and accept that they have to get better on their own... I guess that's all you can do. I don't know if that's a particularly helpful answer but it's based on experience.

[Quail]

I am so panicking about my work. All I even have to do is write up some exercises I've already done and explain why they helped me to understand the material I was studying. But there is a mental block in my head panicking and trying to shut my brain down.

I have had so little energy today. I fell badly at Judo (I was the one doing the throw as well!) and hurt my shoulder. Feels like it's going to be pretty stiff and sore for a while. I want to enter a competition in a couple of weeks but I don't think I have the money and I feel shit and out of practice anyway.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I am so panicking about my work. All I even have to do is write up some exercises I've already done and explain why they helped me to understand the material I was studying. But there is a mental block in my head panicking and trying to shut my brain down.

I sympathise. I pretty much spend the time I should be studying or working on my article panicking over how I'll never amount to anything.

I've pretty much been socialised to not show any emotion other than resignation, aggression or fear (and their endless permutations like respect - ugh - and so on). I'm a man after all, what kind of man talks about how he loves his friends and so on? A faggot. The really odd thing is, I really don't know if I feel things like this anymore. I used to talk about my emotions to people all the time, but it turned out most of them were making fun of me behind my back, something I can't stand. So I stopped. And whenever there's a problem I try to maintain a cynical, aloof exterior. I wonder if I'm too good at it. If you never express your emotions, even to yourself, do they even count?

Ugh. Kill men burn shit fuck school.

[Zukunftsmusik]

I can relate to a lot in this thread. My very, very short academic career is about to end catastrophically.

[Zukunftsmusik]

related to the above: I think I need to talk to someone professional about my mental health. These last few months have been terrible.

[synthesis]

Always weird when you find out an ex from high school is pregnant.

[synthesis]

I'm a man after all, what kind of man talks about how he loves his friends and so on? A faggot.

I dunno, I know gangsters and other assorted tough guys that do this. For a common reference, see Raekwon talking about ODB's funeral: "That's when I learned the meaning of love, when I kissed this [person]." I think the difference from a societal standpoint is between having and expressing emotions and being perceived as being controlled by them.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I dunno, I know gangsters and other assorted tough guys that do this. For a common reference, see Raekwon talking about ODB's funeral: "That's when I learned the meaning of love, when I kissed this [person]." I think the difference from a societal standpoint is between having and expressing emotions and being perceived as being controlled by them.

Not here (in the land of the Croats), though, and particularly not in the nineties.

[Ele'ill]

i don't feel like being alive anymore i don't think working through mental health issues is a worthwhile task because it hasn't amounted to any benefit and I am incapable of doing it most of the time anyways i'm tired of being upset i'm tired of being smart or i'm tired of the condition that makes me feel tired and smart if it isn't actually real. I don't want to know anymore.

[BIXX]

i don't feel like being alive anymore i don't think working through mental health issues is a worthwhile task because it hasn't amounted to any benefit and I am incapable of doing it most of the time anyways i'm tired of being upset i'm tired of being smart or i'm tired of the condition that makes me feel tired and smart if it isn't actually real. I don't want to know anymore.


Meh... Well, I hope you know that many people on this forum love you to bits and that we are all definitely here for you. I know that we most likely can't solve all of your problems but I'm willing to be conceited enough to say that maybe it'd make it all a little easier to deal with.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

Freaking out because I just found out my abusive ex is still attempting to cyberstalk me.

[human strike]

So what if someone hasn't replied to my text after only three and a half hours? Why should that stress me out? :(

[Quail]

Went to the doctor and got a referral to the eating disorder team today... I don't know how I feel about it. I just want to get back on track before things get any worse, but I worry I'm not ill enough for them to take me seriously.

Also I need to go to the dentist but can't justify spending the money.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

i don't feel like being alive anymore i don't think working through mental health issues is a worthwhile task because it hasn't amounted to any benefit and I am incapable of doing it most of the time anyways i'm tired of being upset i'm tired of being smart or i'm tired of the condition that makes me feel tired and smart if it isn't actually real. I don't want to know anymore.

^this, all of this. I'm sorry man.<3 :(

[Rosa Partizan]

Went to the doctor and got a referral to the eating disorder team today... I don't know how I feel about it. I just want to get back on track before things get any worse, but I worry I'm not ill enough for them to take me seriously.

Also I need to go to the dentist but can't justify spending the money.

this is not covered by ordinary healthcare?

[Quail]

this is not covered by ordinary healthcare?

We have to pay a bit towards NHS dental care. It's about £14 for a checkup and about £40 for a filling (and I need some work to fix a chipped tooth so it would be £40). I rely a lot on my partner's financial support and don't have much in the way of income so I really don't have £40.

[Slavic]

So what if someone hasn't replied to my text after only three and a half hours? Why should that stress me out? :(

Your looking into it way to much man.

[Comrade Jacob]

Well, things are going well with me for a change, nothing that happened it's just me mood, the psych is going to double my anti-depressants so that's good.:)

[Os Cangaceiros]

So what if someone hasn't replied to my text after only three and a half hours? Why should that stress me out? :(

I remember I was at the bar one night, and I got talking with this one girl who said that she had an awesome place that she was trying to rent out, for a substantial amount of money lower than what I was paying at the time. We went out to her car and she smoked me out, all the while talking up how awesome this place supposedly was. I was pretty drunk but I remember what happened clearly, and I thought we'd gotten on pretty well.

I texted her the next day about seeing the place and she replied back "yeah I'm down". I texted her back for the address and she never responded LOL. I still wonder what happened with that. I know that she didn't die because I saw her at the store months afterwards. Maybe she had a sudden change of heart LOL

[human strike]

I'm sick and tired of my fear of being alone. For my whole life it has dominated and consumed me. There's just this near constant turmoil inside me with moments of respite too few and far between. :(

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

this is not covered by ordinary healthcare?

Try living in the United States...

[Zukunftsmusik]

I remember I was at the bar one night, and I got talking with this one girl who said that she had an awesome place that she was trying to rent out, for a substantial amount of money lower than what I was paying at the time. We went out to her car and she smoked me out, all the while talking up how awesome this place supposedly was. I was pretty drunk but I remember what happened clearly, and I thought we'd gotten on pretty well.

I texted her the next day about seeing the place and she replied back "yeah I'm down". I texted her back for the address and she never responded LOL. I still wonder what happened with that. I know that she didn't die because I saw her at the store months afterwards. Maybe she had a sudden change of heart LOL

lolwat that's absurd

[The Intransigent Faction]

Freaking out because I just found out my abusive ex is still attempting to cyberstalk me.

I hope he gets what's coming to him.

[The Intransigent Faction]

I'm sick and tired of my fear of being alone. For my whole life it has dominated and consumed me. There's just this near constant turmoil inside me with moments of respite too few and far between. :(

Dunno what to say right now (kinda typing in a rush) except for: Same here. Hope it all works out okay.

[Ele'ill]

job isn't going well now I've stopped caring about it, i've given up looking for a place especially now that the job isn't going to work out. I think a lot about doing the things I want to do but I know that while some of it is approachable it won't be what i think it will be because it has never been in the last seventeen years. Social contact doesn't feel good and hasn't for a long enough time that I watch people interacting and wonder what they get out of whatever interaction they're engaged in. But a thing over the years I have gotten like an exchange is a perception of things from sounds, music, atmosphere, events that happen that I don't understand, that I am not skilled enough to explain in words they have to be felt. It is being alone that I don't feel like a thing I feel like parts of everything else. I know I am losing my mind and that it is getting worse.

[Crabbensmasher]

Have you ever been at a point in your life where you realize you know utterly nothing? It seems like every situation I'm in, every event I attend, is just me going in as a complete beginner and feeling utterly intimidated by more experienced people. Whether it be work, campus organizations, or just hanging around the usual stoners in my neighbourhood, I'm always the 'new guy' or something. It's weird, it's like Have I been living in a hole my entire life?

It probably comes down to the fact that I have a super diverse friend group that makes no sense whatsoever. Honestly, if the people I was hanging out with last night met the people from the night before, there would probably be, like, blood and tears. So yeah, I guess I spend a lot of energy making a wide group of friends instead of focusing and learning from a core amount (jack of all trades, master of none type thing). So yeah, it's like I'm unable to do bong hits with my stoner friends cuz i don't smoke enough, and I'm unable to discuss marxism with my academic friends because I'm not well read enough.

And yeah, this setup probably isn't helping my whole self-confidence thing. Because, while learning different things as a beginner is great, and humbling and all, it kind of makes me feel insecure about myself on a subconscious level.

Also, like, I have no fucking idea what's going on with my identity at this point. I kind of peer in on a lot of different cliques, but I'm kind of unable to fit in with any one. So yeah, I have no idea what I am. Everybody else seems to have this shit figured out by now.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Why do you feel the need to pigeonhole yourself with just one identity? It's better IMO to have a range of interests and experiences.

[#FF0000]

Deep Sad strikes again.

[Crabbensmasher]

Why do you feel the need to pigeonhole yourself with just one identity? It's better IMO to have a range of interests and experiences.

Yeah, normally I'd consider it beneficial. I think in this case, I'm kind of at a crossroads with my life. I can start pursuing the things that actually interest me, along with the groups of friends that comes with. At the same time, I also have older friends who are completely at odds with those.

Iunno, I definitely think I'll hold my ground on this though. If I enjoy spending time with people, I should continue to do so. Also, I can't picture myself actively tying to alienate anyone I hang out with.

I just get a bit anxious when I can't find anyone else that relates to my particular situation. Pretty much everybody I know has a 'type' of person they hang around, and a 'type' they avoid, while I just enjoy everybody's company I guess. For a radical, I'm way too conformist. It sucks.

[cyu]

I'm unable to discuss marxism with my academic friends because I'm not well read enough.


I sometimes tend to come across like a listener / interviewer / researcher:

1. Spend most of my time listening and trying to understand rather than talking and making a point.
2. Ask questions more than give answers... "What are your thoughts on this?" "How would you apply that theoretical understanding to such-and-such current event?"
3. [I should do this more than I actually do:] Re-affirm the parts of their views that I like. "That's a great point." "Very well said." "We should spraypaint that on City Hall." :lol:

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Jesus...i haven't been on since friday before i went to my psychiatrist... a lot happend there.

Hold on, it's gonna be a long one...

I went in and...well, i kinda hoped to hear about my final diagnosis and when/how to get meds.
The meds will come. No prob. Just don't know when yet.

It's just...well we started talking about me and asking difficult questions. Now, i've built a wall meters high and thick, so i don't break easy.
The conversation went along to me and my wife and our relation and i mentioned she blames me for not talking to her and that i keep half of my life from her. I also explained that i didn't really know what to talk about. So we talked about that and it was only then that i realised, i do keep lots of shit from her. :ohmy:
So she asked me why, used the Dutch version of "no i in team" (which is stuck in my head ever since) and asked me why i keep things from her.

So i told her about my wife's (imma call her C. from here on, because she is not MY wife, so pay attention ;)) "minor" depression and her bit shaky mental health.
Mainly i keep shit from her because i'm afraid of her getting scared about shit.
How do i tell my wife (with issues of her own) i sometimes just don't care about living anymore? How?
I love her and so i keep shit from her. Total stupidity of course and only works the wrong way, whioch i can spot with anyone but aparently not with myself.

It was way deep analysis of me and at one point she managed to break through the wall.
I'll tell you that that ain't easy. Even C. can't do that easily.
So i cried. I even managed to make her almost cry (saw her red eyes and heard it in her voice). That shit was weird...

I got my act together quickly, because even though i've told many people it is never wrong or not okay to cry, i simple refuse to. Yes, i am that operson who doesn't follow his own advise.

So now i gonna have to have a difficult talk with my wife. Tears will flow. And i haven't had the guts to sit her down. I just kept myself busy with stuff that C. wanted me to do around the house. Now she's happy about that and me... i'm just being me again. :crying:

[Durruti's friend]

I don't know how to express myself now, but I have to somehow. It also has to be here, since I have no idea to whom I could talk irl.

A guy from school got hit by a train yesterday, and apparently the doctors had to amputate his arm afterwards. Nobody knows the whole story, but it seems that he went to the tracks all alone, so a lot of people fear he tried to kill himself there. Now, I didn't even know the guy that well but it was still unbelievable.

Shit doesn't stop with that. One friend of mine, with whom I became quite close in the last few weeks, went to elementary school with him and I think she was in love with him back then. Now, of course everyone would be emotionally destroyed by that, but she just seemed out of contact with everything around her today. The worst part is that she told me she was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and even cut herself, but stopped not too long ago. I'm really afraid this will trigger something bad.

Everything is fucked. I'm scared.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I don't know how to express myself now, but I have to somehow. It also has to be here, since I have no idea to whom I could talk irl.

A guy from school got hit by a train yesterday, and apparently the doctors had to amputate his arm afterwards. Nobody knows the whole story, but it seems that he went to the tracks all alone, so a lot of people fear he tried to kill himself there. Now, I didn't even know the guy that well but it was still unbelievable.

Shit doesn't stop with that. One friend of mine, with whom I became quite close in the last few weeks, went to elementary school with him and I think she was in love with him back then. Now, of course everyone would be emotionally destroyed by that, but she just seemed out of contact with everything around her today. The worst part is that she told me she was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and even cut herself, but stopped not too long ago. I'm really afraid this will trigger something bad.

Everything is fucked. I'm scared.

Damn, that's quite something...
Hold in there. I hope you and your friend will be okay. She probably should see a psychiatrist (of course a different one) and by the sound of things, maybe you need to go too? (not trying t offend you, this is just a pretty big thing)

[human strike]

Why am I such a glutton for punishment? :(

[Rosa Partizan]

what happened, dude?

[Sinister Intents]

If I don't see Mariah tonight, I'm going to get as stoned as humanly possible. I feel like I fucked up... Probably fucking did because I kept talking to her last night... She's probably really fucked annoyed by me

[BIXX]

If I don't see Mariah tonight, I'm going to get as stoned as humanly possible. I feel like I fucked up... Probably fucking did because I kept talking to her last night... She's probably really fucked annoyed by me


Yo, I'm sure she isn't annoyed. Seriously.

Btw you gotta tell me how your date/hangout/whatever it was went.

[Rosa Partizan]

I got a date tonight with a 36-year old assistant professor from New Haven, CT. It's his last evening here in my town and he's hot as hell, so it's pretty clear what this will come down to. Hell yeah.

[human strike]

I'm so up and down at the moment, it's exhausting. But mostly I'm down. My anxiety is triggered really easily and it can persist for days. I'm spending lots of time on the internet which is the most unhealthy thing I could be doing with my time. I'm not eating properly and I've been getting urges and have kinda started cutting again which is something I haven't done since I was at my worst six months ago. In terms of support network I've three friends that look after me pretty well, but one has gone away to Spain already and another leaves for Spain in a few days. Besides the point that I wanna go to fucking Spain, being without those people for a few weeks is a scary prospect, especially when a large part of my problem is feeling lonely and anxious about being apart from people I care about. I'm finding it very hard to distract myself; I've very little (almost nothing) to do at the moment and I don't really want to do anything even though I know it could make me loads better (it did before). I've a job interview on Friday. Even though I know a job is guaranteed to stress me out in other ways and I don't especially want one, I might end up being in a slightly less shit situation that way. Jesus, what a sorry state of affairs. I'm trying to remember all the ways I learned from counseling to deal with shit. Before it was almost instinctual but now I feel as if I've forgotten everything I learned. :/

I'm acting in a super-anxious-preoccupied way at the moment; so much of my mental energy is spent thinking about attachment and relationships and it's just a cyclical thing that gets worse the more I think on it. I "need" to see people but they're either too far away or they say they'll see me but then don't. Other people would be able to deal with this kind of situation - or would prefer it even - but I'm finding it very difficult. :(

My abusive (I still find it hard to call her that even though I know it's accurate) ex moves into a house of a good friend of mine today: fuckin' yay.

[Quail]

I don't know if this would work for you, but you could try writing. Put some fictional characters through something similar to what you're struggling with. It really helps to get things down on paper/a word processor so they're not just wasting space in your head.

[#FF0000]

The ups n downs of life. feeling p. shitty and stuck in my predicament. finding it difficult to muster up the energy to do much of anything again. every year or so things seem to start moving and i think "hooray i am getting my shit together" and then "oh nope nevermind it all fell apart again".

[#FF0000]

would be a-okay but I am failing over and over again in the woods and so it's kind of isolated and people are far away and difficult to meet.

[BIXX]

I got a date tonight with a 36-year old assistant professor from New Haven, CT. It's his last evening here in my town and he's hot as hell, so it's pretty clear what this will come down to. Hell yeah.


I thought I had clicked on the unisex bathrooms thread and my first instinct was to say "damn, way to go rosa, so I take it you support?"

I guess now I'll just say, "way to go rosa!"

Way to go rosa!

Sorry I'm a bit high.

[human strike]

I woke up and cried today. I feel like I'm permanently scarred and may always be in pain. It's no wonder I'm so scared and desperate for intimacy. I've bee hurt way more than I could have imagined possible. Nobody should have to go through this. :(

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Well, i finally have my official diagnosis: ADD.

Now there's perscription madicine waiting for me at the pharmacy.
Intensely exited and utterly terrified at the same time... :(

[BIXX]

All I want in the world is to go back to the time when I didn't really realize how bad of a shit hole situation I am in.

I won't see these people ever again no matter how much I want to. All those people I had so much damn fun with don't even know who I am anymore it seems.

[Rosa Partizan]

I got laid by a total premium guy, woop woop :drool:

[Os Cangaceiros]

Well, i finally have my official diagnosis: ADD.

Now there's perscription madicine waiting for me at the pharmacy.
Intensely exited and utterly terrified at the same time... :(

What'd they give you?

I've been pretty busy at work lately. Trying to get ready for the fishing season...today we did a bunch of work on the set (the skeleton that the net hangs off on in the water, composed on 1,000+ feet of ropes and anchors). There were a bunch of sea anemones attached to the set line as we ran it through the boat, water and slime n' shit blasting all over me. My father calls sea anemones "pocket pussies", one of a number of charming phrases that fishermen use. "It's a pocket pussy massacre out here!" *cackle*

[Quail]

I have an exam tomorrow and I'm not feeling very well prepared. Been studying solidly for 3 days but still feel like I know absolutely nothing. Perhaps it will come to me under pressure. Having a cup of chamomile tea and a banana before heading to bed. (Because they're supposed to be relaxing/sleep-inducing? Or maybe I made that up.)

[Rosa Partizan]

So I went to the pub tonight with some friends of mine, a close friend was having birthday. At the beginning, it was just two of us, me and another female friend of mine. We were having a conversation when I turned around and some guy was sitting next to me and had no intentions of going away when we politely asked him to do so 'cause we were expecting our friends. Of course, it didn't work out, even when we became more explicit. I tend to flare up so fucking easily and when I saw him being about to put his disgusting hand on my thigh, I stood up and he stood up, too, and was like, c'mon chill out, and I pushed him away and he wanted to push me, too, but the waitress came and tried to pull him away. He turned around, pulled down his pants and showed me his ass, it was so goddamn pathetic. Another waiter appeared and kicked his ass out of the pub. The rest of the evening was nice, until I got out of the bus and had to walk 3-4 minutes to my flat. Some guys were behind me and I became slower so that they were supposed to pass me, I feel extremely uncomfortable at night having some guy walk behind me. Instead, they slowed down, too and I felt the urge to give them some decent nose jobs. Finally, they passed me and I heard them talking about me in Serbian, thinking I don't know that language :laugh: one of them was like "goddamn what's wrong with her, just wanted to check out her ass" and I said in Serbian "I understand that, my ass and your face could be really close friends". This is some German idiom, maybe it's just funny to Germans. Anyway, they were pretty startled, but instead of feeling good for having left them like that, I was just like...conscious about what being a woman means, with all of it consequences. And although it was a great evening, I'm kinda sad now.

[#FF0000]

He turned around, pulled down his pants and showed me his ass, it was so goddamn pathetic.

i imagine that's how he reacts to anything that upsets or startles him.

[BIXX]

i imagine that's how he reacts to anything that upsets or startles him.


Like an octopus?

I guess be glad he didn't spray ink.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I think it's time to admit to myself that I don't particularly care about this whole "liberation of humanity" business. I once did, but that man is long gone. Good riddance, too, he was a naive idiot.

[cyu]

every year or so things seem to start moving and i think "hooray i am getting my shit together" and then "oh nope nevermind it all fell apart again".

Old habits are hard to break, but imagine if you evaluated your life at different times: "fuck, my life is falling apart" and then "oh nope nevermind, I'm getting all my shit together again".

You get knocked down.
You get up again.
Your enemies wanna keep you down.

http://meetville.com/images/quotes/Quotation-Vladimir-Lenin-freedom-society-Meetville-Quotes-2105.jpg

[Loony Le Fist]

I still feel guilt over the customers I purposely conned out of their money as a salesperson. It haunts me to this day. It always did, despite pretending that it didn't.

[Loony Le Fist]

I have to keep reminding myself to not punch right-wingers in the face. Except fascists. :laugh:

[Sinister Intents]

Fucking work is pissing my off lately. I want to fucking get away from my family but that's impossible without causing someone fucking heartache and I fucking hate it. I just want fucking independence from all this fucking bullshit. The patriarchal nuclear family is a fucking prison. Capitalist existence needs to be destroyed and predators must die.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Today was something like the third or fourth time I smiled to a young child only for the parents to drag them off looking at me like I'm a serial killer.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

[#FF0000]

Fucking work is pissing my off lately. I want to fucking get away from my family but that's impossible without causing someone fucking heartache and I fucking hate it. I just want fucking independence from all this fucking bullshit. The patriarchal nuclear family is a fucking prison. Capitalist existence needs to be destroyed and predators must die.

Your family sounds pretty shitty so idk why causin' heartache's a problem.

[Sinister Intents]

Your family sounds pretty shitty so idk why causin' heartache's a problem.

My family isn't shitty I just want independence and to be my own person with my own separate schedule

[Sinister Intents]

I fucking hate this fucking business and not being able to just live my fucking life how I want

[human strike]

This world is so ugly I can't stand it. So much hurt and abuse; trying to navigate one's way through is a fucking nightmare. Just witnessing it is enough to make one want to give up.

Some days I feel alright. Some days for a few hours I might feel ok. But I always end up feeling alone and hopeless. I feel so rejected, like I've been chewed up, tasted and spat out. Maybe I'm just rotten - I can't help thinking of myself that way. But I know really that I don't deserve to feel like this; I deserve a lot more. I let some people treat me so badly, but I can't help it. Why should anyone treat me with respect when I show so little for myself? I'm glad some people do though - that's important - I just wish it were enough for me (it should be).

I'm always so fucking scared.

[cyu]

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Just shows the power of the media I think. If all they talk about are child molesters, then the number 1 fear parents have is of child molesters. If all they talk about are muslim terrorists or communist subversives, then the number 1 fear people have is of muslim terrorists or communist subversives. If all you see is wall-to-wall coverage of school shootings, then people tend to think the biggest threat to students is a school shooting.

Statistically it seems kids are mostly likely to die in a car accident (in the US), but nobody panics when they see a car.

http://www.businessinsider.com/the-most-common-cause-of-death-at-every-age-2014-5

http://i.imgur.com/LYf4t4V.png

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

considering the events of the last year or so, it becomes very clear that I have an unerring knack for falling for women who are literally just about to move hundreds of not thousands of miles away.


I should work for a travel agent's or something.

[Futility Personified]

If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so clever, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining, then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so good looking, then why are you on your own tonight?

I know. Because tonight is just like any other night.
That's why you're on your own tonight.
With your triumphs and your charms, while they are there in each others arms.

I need to stop falling for people who do not give a solitary shit.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

I have a bit of a crush on this one guy, I'd rather not give details, but damn them southern guys. Dixieland, damn, I like them southern accents and the culture down here. Why didn't I root in the carolinas earlier? No nothing happened yet other thane finding out he likes me.

[Zoroaster]

Some conservative asshole punched a kid just because he was bisexual. Before I could stop the whole thing, a teacher intervened and gave the kid a detention. He said that this kid "would enforce Obama's gay agenda on us "True Christians"".

I wonder whether there is hope for our species filled with Ted Cruz's and assholes like him.

[cyu]

The ruling ideas of every epoch aren't just the ideas of the ruling class, they also include the false and distractionary ideas planted among the population in order to make divide and rule easier.

[Quail]

I feel completely hopeless about basically every aspect of my life at the moment.

[human strike]

My life has no direction at all at the moment - when I feel like I've nothing I'm heading towards or to look forward to I can't help but feel depressed. A cute girl has asked to see me though which instantly makes me feel a lot better. The thing is though she messes me around constantly, agreeing to see me and then flaking out. I'm sure this is partly due to her anxiety problems, but that excuse only really goes so far and it's messing with my head. I'm not going to say no to meeting up with her but I do need to say something to her about this. I've no idea how to go about doing that, she's so painfully shy I'm sure if I said anything she would just get uncomfortable, make an awkward face and not actually say anything back, which is adorable but really not what I need lol. This is assuming of course that she doesn't flake out again!

[Sinister Intents]

My girlfriend is so amazing :wub:everything is so amazing with her

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

My girlfriend is so amazing :wub:everything is so amazing with her

That is very sweet, I'm sure she is happy to have such a sweet and appreciative partner as well.:)

[human strike]

Have to be at the jobcentre in the morning and was pleased with myself for getting to bed before 1am, but I've got these thoughts keeping me awake.

Trigger warning: sexual assault

Two years ago a friend sexually assaulted me. It's something I think I've only ever spoken to two people about (possibly three, I can't remember exactly but it doesn't matter anyway). It was something that had very serious consequences for me. My relationship with my girlfriend at the time suffered and didn't really recover from it - certainly it wasn't the same after that. The experience was very confusing, I couldn't understand how and why it had happened. I blamed myself for it and thought I had cheated on my partner - I fucking hated myself. This was until recently the most traumatic thing to ever happen to me. I remember I was receiving counseling at the time anyway and explaining to them how confusing it was and not being able to understand why it had happened. It's disappointing to think now that they pretty much framed it as, "People do stupid things they regret when they're drunk."

It was sometime the next year that I came to appreciate that what had happened was sexual assault. Talking with another friend and thinking about things that I'd tried to ignore before made me realise that it wasn't an isolated event either but part of a pattern of behaviour. I believe this man has targeted a number of men in the same or similar ways. I doubt he recognises it for sexual assault or is necessarily aware that what he's doing is even wrong, though how people react afterwards must give him some idea.

Up until now I've never wanted to do anything about this. But suddenly I'm worried that by not calling him out he'll do it to more people or become more violent. I'm not sure what the best way of doing that is though. I'm intentionally not in contact with him anymore and don't want to be. I still know some people who possibly are but don't know how to approach them; I'm concerned they won't take me seriously. I'm considering talking about this with my men's group and asking them for advice, but for some reason I'm finding it hard to talk about things in that anyway (perhaps I might talk with some people individually).

I wondered if people here had thoughts or advice. It's not something that really causes me any problems anymore (though it does bother me that my ex believes I cheated on her), but I feel compelled to try to do something about it for the sake of others and kind of for his sake too actually (despite the fact I'd also like to kick the shit out of him). You can reply to me here I guess? Or PM me if you like.

I'm so pleased my mind wonders to these places when it should be sleeping. (Y)

[cyu]

I feel compelled to try to do something about it for the sake of others

This is important, and I think because of that, noble as well. Unfortunately it is common among victims of sexual violence to feel uncomfortable when seeking justice - and to that extent, those who still do something about it are even more noble. I'm not going to tell you exactly what to do though - just do what you feel most comfortable with. Some people prefer to remain anonymous - others prefer more direct action. In any case, if you can help prevent even one more person from becoming a victim, that's one more life you have saved and one more lifetime of suffering you have prevented.

[Zoroaster]

I met a nice girl in school today. I've never been one who's been focused on relationships and love and all that 'till today.

What a mysterious world we live in.:wub:

[Ele'ill]

this again

5OVvJOeUdUs

[human strike]

*Long exhalation of breath*

My ex approached me in a bar, accused me of lying to people and then called me a dickhead (which may not seem very hurtful but given the context is pretty abusive). I don't wanna be talking with her at all - I can't deal with it - let alone be hearing that.

I came home and spoke to a friend though and explained the whole situation to her. It's such a relief to know people have my back. It's probably the most important thing of all and helps me to feel less scared of her and able to get on with my life. Not having to deal with this alone is making all the difference. I just wish I could have had the strength to talk to people and stand up for myself when the problem started in the first place, this all would have worked out very differently, I'm sure of it. If you ever feel alone and like no one could possibly be on your side, it's not true; there are always people who care and will support you. Looking after each other is what this fucking revolution is all about.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

What'd they give you?

Well, they gave me ritalin. 3 x 5mg a day.
What happend next amazed me.
...
Nothing.



I made an appointment with my doctor for next wednesday to talk about dosage.
But since i'm such a smartass and hate waiting, i personally upped my dosage to 2x 5mg mornings and at lunch and 5 for the evening.
Nothing amazing happend. If anything even happend at all. Maybe some more energy and a slight increase in concentration, but not by far the "vanishing of the mist" other ADD/ADHD people talk of.

Freaking out a bit if maybe i am that one person with who meds don't work or if it's not ADD after all or if the dosage is to little or if i got a placebo...

Paranoid much?

[Os Cangaceiros]

Well, they gave me ritalin. 3 x 5mg a day.
What happend next amazed me.
...
Nothing.

Well psychoactive drugs effect different people differently. That's how it works with anti-depressants and I imagine it's how it works with psychostimulants as well...if your issues are something that can be solved partially through medication you may have to cycle through different meds and dosages before you find the right fit for you.

I have a lot of difficulty concentrating on things too, although I'm not sure if I have ADD or not. In school I'd always get poor marks in the "listens and follows directions" category. But I think I just enjoy daydreaming and procrastinating, I don't think there's any actual problem in my mind in that regard.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

So... how do other people get over the friends they've lost? As I said in a few previous posts on this thread, my former best friend has pretty much turned against me, in fact - I'm not going to mince words - she's a fucking reactionary and if I met her today for the first time I would feel she is beneath contempt.

But oh, I've met her before... in fact I spent the best period of my life hanging out almost exclusively with her. We used to be like a brother and sister.

Now she's gone and to be honest, I don't know how to carry on. Every day I feel a sense of emptiness when I remember how we would use to call each other, talk over Skype, things like that. I guess I should meet new people, but deep down, I'm afraid it will all end like it did with her.

It's been half a year, I shouldn't feel like this. God, sometimes I wish I was a sociopath, it would certainly improve my quality of life.

I also feel fucking old. Like, I have nightmares about dying and decomposing because I feel like I only have a short amount of time left.

Oh, and my second-best friend, formerly my best friend but hey, we're both men so as a kid I felt awkward about expressing any sort of affection for him (did I mention I hate having that one Y chromosome?) left for Switzerland. Stupid bastard. I hope he gets deported back.

[Ele'ill]

watching videos of folks training w boxing and muay thai and if I could do anything for the rest of my life it would be that don't care if I ever get an amateur or pro fight, that is what I want to do, just work from scratch and see what happens (I wasn't half bad at muay thai I just dropped it)

[Crabbensmasher]

Lul at starting to realize I went through months of stress and anxiety over something really dumb that I shouldn't have done . Ugh, stupid life decisions.

Protip: When you're about to undertake something that requires you to question your morals, don't fucking laugh and say "Haha, jokes on YOU brain, I HAVE NO MORALS".

Yeah, I still don't think I have 'morals', but I do have something fucking close. What I did was the result of fucked up self confidence and a blatant disregard for my own mental/physical health. Most people would say something like 'I deserve better', but I still can't bring myself to say it. Of course I would say that if I had an abusive partner or something, but no, I didn't. Not at all.

I just think it has to do with me having no fucking idea what I want and having no fucking idea who I am. Jesus, that statement sums up my situation perfectly.

[Rosa Partizan]

returning to revleft and reading about a user presuming that I kinda faked my whole identity here and that I tried to convince people I'm something I'm not. That would be even ok if it wasn't some user that I exchanged very personal PMs with, about things from my past that very few people know, some of that stuff that is even unknown to close friends, but some things go just easier when the other person is a complete stranger with a whole ocean seperating you. Kinda serves me right for being so overtrustful, so I actually don't even blame him after having thought about it.

[Sinister Intents]

I'm so fucking sick of my fucking father treating me like a "retard" I'm sorry I'm non-neurotypical you fucking asshole. I wanna just fucking cut into your fucking neck.

[GimmieFire]

I want it all to end...all this pain and confusion and regret...just go away, please! At least for a little while so I can have some peace!

[human strike]

returning to revleft and reading about a user presuming that I kinda faked my whole identity here and that I tried to convince people I'm something I'm not. That would be even ok if it wasn't some user that I exchanged very personal PMs with, about things from my past that very few people know, some of that stuff that is even unknown to close friends, but some things go just easier when the other person is a complete stranger with a whole ocean seperating you. Kinda serves me right for being so overtrustful, so I actually don't even blame him after having thought about it.

Pleased you're back. :)

[Zoroaster]

I know this is a weird question to ask, but does anyone here know how to ask a girl out? I could use the advice.

[Rosa Partizan]

more details pls. It's a big difference if she's in your circle of friends or a colleague at work or if you've been knowing each other for 6 years or 6 days.

[Zoroaster]

To Rosa Partizan:

I've only known her for about 2 weeks or so.

[Rosa Partizan]

So I suppose she's just an acquaintance. Do you see each other regularly? And where do you see her usually? I don't know, no expert on that, but you could go like "Oh I got a ticket left for this or that movie, my friend called it off, would you mind to come with me?" This would be somehow easy, I think, she would say yes if there was the slightest interest, even if the movie's not too interesting for her.

[Zoroaster]

I don't see her regularly, sadly. Most of the times I see her in either the hallway, or talking to my science teacher.

[Rosa Partizan]

so you've never spoken to her? I assumed you know each other a little bit already. Okay, then, skip that advice above. What do you know about her? Anything?

[Zoroaster]

I've spoken to her a little bit, but not much. I know she's smart, she's interested in politics (I don't know her views on politics, however), she's a sophomore, and that's it.

[Rosa Partizan]

that's enough, ask her out for cinema as I said above. She will notice your interest anyway, no matter how you ask.

[#FF0000]

Considering a big move to another city. However it's looking like the job I'd be going for is only $20, which seems extremely low to uproot myself from where I'm living to move in a far, far, far more expensive city, despite none of the jobs around here coming close to paying that much.

[Rosa Partizan]

Considering a big move to another city. However it's looking like the job I'd be going for is only $20, which seems extremely low to uproot myself from where I'm living to move in a far, far, far more expensive city, despite none of the jobs around here coming close to paying that much.

20 $ sounds awesome dude. What exactly does far more expensive mean? Have you calculated all those costs for rent, food and stuff?

[#FF0000]

20 $ sounds awesome dude. What exactly does far more expensive mean? Have you calculated all those costs for rent, food and stuff?

Only very roughly -- but I was just going off the average rent in the city I'd be going to is over $1,000 higher than the average rent here (I recently found a 2 bedroom apartment right in front of the bus-stop for $400 a month -- utilities included).

It's a kind of huge difference and I dunno if it's worth it.

[Rosa Partizan]

if it means financial independence and getting away from home, I'd probably give it a shot.

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

Only very roughly -- but I was just going off the average rent in the city I'd be going to is over $1,000 higher than the average rent here (I recently found a 2 bedroom apartment right in front of the bus-stop for $400 a month -- utilities included).

It's a kind of huge difference and I dunno if it's worth it.

How stable is the job? Could you find other work if it fell through after you moved?

[#FF0000]

if it means financial independence and getting away from home, I'd probably give it a shot.

Yeah. My only hang up is that becoming a merchant marine was supposed to be my ticket to building hella savings. I was originally planning on getting a job on a boat in a closer city, while still living at home. That would mean virtually everything I made I'd be able to save. That wouldn't really be possible in this other city, though.


How stable is the job? Could you find other work if it fell through after you moved?

It's day-boating for a company that is currently hella short on deckhands. Normally, I could get as few as 10 hours per week. However, since there's that shortage, I could work every day of the week if I wanted to.

[human strike]

I was acting really out of character the other night: I went alone to the birthday drinks of someone I barely know and for most of the night I was being really sociable and talkative with a load of strangers. I wasn't even high (to begin with). Although it turned out that actually some of these people weren't strangers. Do you ever get that where you're at a party or something talking to someone and then either you or they is like, "Ya know, I've definitely met you before..." That happened at least twice. Anyway, point is, it was really nice to take a risk and not be crippled by anxiety for once and maybe it's the MDMA talking but I met some really sound people. We were sat on this hill in the sun the next day from which you can see most of Bristol with a cool breeze on my face: was gert lush. Picked up some 2cb too, so; winning!


I know this is a weird question to ask, but does anyone here know how to ask a girl out? I could use the advice.

Do what everyone else does: message them on OKCupid. I've forgotten how to date people in real life (not that I was ever that great at it), but I remember something about asking them to go for a drink/coffee with you. Don't worry about this too much, but I always prefer something like that over watching a film in a cinema - somewhere where you can talk, get to know them and (probably more importantly) do all that non-verbal communication. Sitting in the dark not talking kinda seems like dead time to me. Or perhaps suggest meeting somewhere before going to see a film, that way you can always just not go to it. Just my two cents.

[Ele'ill]

I always hated the build up of asking someone or getting asked by someone to get coffee, tea, drinks, on okc. HATE it.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I know this is a weird question to ask, but does anyone here know how to ask a girl out? I could use the advice.

"You want to hang out sometime?"

That's what I say and it's always worked. I'm bad at approaching women with the intention of going out, though, I only do it after they've made it painfully obvious that they're interested in me. My strategy for the opposite sex is like Alcoholics Anonymous: I base myself on attraction not promotion LOL

Don't be like me, though. Put yourself out there.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Well psychoactive drugs effect different people differently. That's how it works with anti-depressants and I imagine it's how it works with psychostimulants as well...if your issues are something that can be solved partially through medication you may have to cycle through different meds and dosages before you find the right fit for you.


Yeah, i know...:o
I',m just that impatient.
Also, i have a history of reacting different to meds than other people. I once came into the hospital to remove my wisdomteeth. I was nervous out of my mind. So the nurse gave me a pill to "relax". She returned after an hour to find me still nervous and sitting on my bed. The amazement on her face! "Are you still awake!?", she asked a bit to loud. :laugh:

I am a fairly big guy and a bit overweight so i might just need a higher dosage, but my paranoia is pretty much disagreeing with my reason all the time.


I have a lot of difficulty concentrating on things too, although I'm not sure if I have ADD or not. In school I'd always get poor marks in the "listens and follows directions" category. But I think I just enjoy daydreaming and procrastinating, I don't think there's any actual problem in my mind in that regard.

I don't really consider it a real problem for me (although i would like my brain to shut the hell up every now and then).
It's more a problem for the rest of the world, which turns into an issue for me.
Just trying to stick out not as much (some people try to stick out, but if you stick out naturally, you realise it's not that much fun...).

[Ele'ill]

trigger warning, very sad, after a murder, dead body, blood, you don't see anything take place, victim's dog won't leave the body, then they take the body away and its still not leaving the body/truck, probably shouldn't watch this and it is upsetting but also kind of good knowing that that person's friend was chillin out next to them for as long as possible.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=38a_1402371429

[Five Year Plan]

If I cry while listening to a Carpenters song, will I be on the right side of the revolution? :crying:

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

It will almost sound like bragging, but, it seems to me that I've lost all ability to sympathise with viewpoints I consider reactionary or harmful, no matter how mild they are. Previously, I could understand if, for example, a woman was mildly opposed to abortion - I would try to talk her out of it of course - but now my brain just goes into troika-mode. That's not such a bad thing - I ended up trying to understand a lot of messed-up positions in the past - it's just that it's destroyed a lot of my former friendships.

I'm also really paranoid about meeting new people. Statistically, most of them are bastards.

[Ele'ill]

It will almost sound like bragging, but, it seems to me that I've lost all ability to sympathise with viewpoints I consider reactionary or harmful, no matter how mild they are. Previously, I could understand if, for example, a woman was mildly opposed to abortion - I would try to talk her out of it of course - but now my brain just goes into troika-mode. That's not such a bad thing - I ended up trying to understand a lot of messed-up positions in the past - it's just that it's destroyed a lot of my former friendships.

I'm also really paranoid about meeting new people. Statistically, most of them are bastards.

I've lost the ability to talk to people about politics- and also just to talk to people in general.

[Os Cangaceiros]

There's no chance of building a mass movement without engaging with people w/ views you find distasteful, because, believe it or not, our "constituency" (or wannabe-constituency, as the case may be) often does not have the best opinions on a whole host of issues.

Hell the same goes for a bunch of people on this site *BOOM* :lol:

But yeah, if I only associated with people who had to share my exact viewpoints, I'd have 0 friends. That's no way to live.

[human strike]

My brain is broken. I was reading an article last night, Why Sexuality Is Work by Silvia Federici (just in case anyone was interested), and it made me realise just how much my brain has seemingly changed in the last 7 months.

I used to read, I used to think a lot about lots of different things, I used to have ideas all the time, I used to talk to people about all sorts of different interesting things. I was really switched on. But reading that article last night, something I had read before and at the time had had so many thoughts about and had sparked ideas in my head; I realised that I don't think about these things anymore, I don't have ideas, I don't make connections, I've forgotten things I used to know, and I used to know a lot.

It's really fucking scary. I feel so damaged and like I'm not the same person anymore. Going through so much stress and emotional trauma has really fucked my head. I'm constantly thinking about the same select things and I'm so often anxious and stressed, it's exhausting. My friend was telling me how back when this shit started I became like an "empty shell"; I was dead to the world. I know that I'm a lot better now in many ways, but I'm far from fixed. I remember the emotional pain used to feel like a gaping wound in my chest, as if a part of myself, a vital organ had been ripped out. Now it feels more like my brain is scarred and there's all this scar tissue where healthy thinking cells used to be.

I need something else to occupy my mind with, but it's so difficult to break out of this cycle. How do you start thinking about other things when your brain is so busy thinking about the same shit all the time?

Drugs are a relief. Like a huge relief, to feel so much anxiety lifted; it's incredible. But that's obviously not a solution, and the tiredness that follows isn't helpful.

I could get a job - it would certainly help my money problems - but I end up not even applying for the not-so-bad jobs the jobcentre tell me to apply for.

I need to break out of this unhealthy mental cycle I'm in. It's horrible but so easy to do nothing. :(

[Ele'ill]

There's no chance of building a mass movement

Agreed


exact viewpoints

idk, I don't think anybody is talking about doppelgangers just single topic deal breakers like 'yeah i'm a communist wanna go gay bashing?'

[human strike]

But yeah, if I only associated with people who had to share my exact viewpoints, I'd have 0 friends. That's no way to live.

I live in such an anarchist bubble; hanging out with Trots is pretty out there for me in terms of associating with people with different views. Living where I do, it's easy to have lots of friends but none who have views vastly different from my own. Guess I'm just privileged to live where I do (obviously, it's the best place in the world).

[Os Cangaceiros]

Agreed



idk, I don't think anybody is talking about doppelgangers just single topic deal breakers like 'yeah i'm a communist wanna go gay bashing?'

Well he said even opinions which were mildly divergent from what he thought the correct position was on whatever issue was being discussed, which is obviously different from virulent homophobia or racism I think. The vast majority of the working class/proletariat/underclass/exploited/whatever-you-want-to-call-them hold such opinions, as do many of the people who insurrectionists frequently extoll like the participants in the 2011 London riots for example. I don't know. I like to argue my points because I think they're factually correct (if I didn't feel that way, why would I believe what I do?)

this quote from Martin Glaberman is kind of related:


Marx believed that the conditions of life and work of the proletariat would force the working class to behave in ways that would ultimately transform society. In other words, what Marx said was: We’re not talking about going door-to-door and making workers into ideal socialists. You’ve got to take workers as they are, with all their contradictions, with all their nonsense. But the fact that society forces them to struggle begins to transform the working class. If white workers realize they can’t organize steel unless they organize black workers, that doesn’t mean they’re not racist. It means that they have to deal with their own reality, and that transforms them. Who were the workers who made the Russian Revolution? Sexists, nationalists, half of them illiterate. Who were the workers in Polish Solidarity? Anti-Semitic, whatever. That kind of struggle begins to transform people.

[Ele'ill]

which is obviously different from virulent homophobia or racism I think. The vast majority of the working class/proletariat/underclass/exploited/whatever-you-want-to-call-them hold such opinions,

It's cool to feel belonged and have lotz of friends how long are you going to hide the fact that the people they're treating like shit are just like you. (maybe they aren't)





as do many of the people who insurrectionists frequently extoll like the participants in the 2011 London riots for example.

so what am I supposed to be following some insurrectionist subculture tutorial lol


I don't know. I like to argue my points because I think they're factually correct (if I didn't feel that way, why would I believe what I do?)

ya I just think sometimes, not all the time really but sometimes, some of us hold positions because it matters to us for more reason than 'they are factually correct' where discussion or debate is moot, it comes a little closer to real life or a material reality or whatever, fuck them

[Ele'ill]

this quote from Martin Glaberman is kind of related:

I think their 'nonsense' is a little more than nonsense. Also regarding imminent slander of identity politics I would include that whole sphere of activist and radical community in with 'the workers'. I don't have to take their contradictions and their nonsense.

[Os Cangaceiros]

If someone argues a point I find offensive or incorrect, then I'll argue against it. It's really as simple as that. Believe it or not I didn't always have left-wing politics. If someone just said to me "Fuck you, you piece of shit, go jump down a well and die!" I'd probably reply "No, fuck YOU!" and further entrench myself in whatever crap I chose to believe.

Also, this is in the context of exchanging ideas, not exchanging gunfire or punches in the street, just in case anyone tries to misconstrue my position as one that advocates letting gay-bashers and fascists lynch immigrants in the street or something :rolleyes:

[Ele'ill]

If someone argues a point I find offensive or incorrect, then I'll argue against it. It's really as simple as that.

and would you be their friend



Believe it or not I didn't always have left-wing politics. If someone just said to me "Fuck you, you piece of shit, go jump down a well and die!" I'd probably reply "No, fuck YOU!" and further entrench myself in whatever crap I chose to believe.

?


Also, this is in the context of exchanging ideas, not exchanging gunfire or punches in the street, just in case anyone tries to misconstrue my position as one that advocates letting gay-bashers and fascists lynch immigrants in the street or something :rolleyes:

If someone did misconstrue would you take them with all their contradictions and nonsense?

[Ele'ill]

I mean here's a thing, the idea that we're supposed to like other human beings.

[Crabbensmasher]

My brain is broken. I was reading an article last night, Why Sexuality Is Work by Silvia Federici (just in case anyone was interested), and it made me realise just how much my brain has seemingly changed in the last 7 months.

I used to read, I used to think a lot about lots of different things, I used to have ideas all the time, I used to talk to people about all sorts of different interesting things. I was really switched on. But reading that article last night, something I had read before and at the time had had so many thoughts about and had sparked ideas in my head; I realised that I don't think about these things anymore, I don't have ideas, I don't make connections, I've forgotten things I used to know, and I used to know a lot.

It's really fucking scary. I feel so damaged and like I'm not the same person anymore. Going through so much stress and emotional trauma has really fucked my head. I'm constantly thinking about the same select things and I'm so often anxious and stressed, it's exhausting. My friend was telling me how back when this shit started I became like an "empty shell"; I was dead to the world. I know that I'm a lot better now in many ways, but I'm far from fixed. I remember the emotional pain used to feel like a gaping wound in my chest, as if a part of myself, a vital organ had been ripped out. Now it feels more like my brain is scarred and there's all this scar tissue where healthy thinking cells used to be.

I need something else to occupy my mind with, but it's so difficult to break out of this cycle. How do you start thinking about other things when your brain is so busy thinking about the same shit all the time?

Drugs are a relief. Like a huge relief, to feel so much anxiety lifted; it's incredible. But that's obviously not a solution, and the tiredness that follows isn't helpful.

I could get a job - it would certainly help my money problems - but I end up not even applying for the not-so-bad jobs the jobcentre tell me to apply for.

I need to break out of this unhealthy mental cycle I'm in. It's horrible but so easy to do nothing. :(


I think the same thing has happened to me recently on a less severe scale. Nonetheless, it happened, and I wasn't used to it, and it was awful and scary.

I was lucky however, because I recently moved back with my parents, got a job, started hanging out with old childhood friends etc. Basically, immersed myself in a new (old) lifestyle. I said to myself 'Listen, you've got all summer to figure your shit out. You're completely safe here. Just sit back and enjoy the things that make you happy". Like a vacation, all summer. For me, that's laying out in the yard, blasting tunes on the stereo, drinking beer, wearing colourful shirts, having friends over etc.

I don't know if it's much help, but just sit yourself down. Admit to yourself, yes, you are a bit damaged, but you will get through it. Pat yourself on the back and promise you'll work on doing what makes you happy. You're starting your rehabilitation.

A lot of it is realizing you're free. I know that personally, I tend to make up invisible barriers that prevent me from doing what I want to do. I make barriers for myself. I do it all the time. Invisible, mental barriers. Just sit yourself down and say 'There is nothing stopping me from doing what I want. I am in the clear, the trouble is behind me. Nothing physical is stopping me from moving on".

The biggest part of it for me though, is positive thinking. I'm still having trouble with this, and some days I fall into negativity loops where I question fucking everything about my life (I have a feeling my last post was on one of those days). I just realized my entire life was ruled by negativity and pessimism. What got me out was sitting myself down and saying we're going to fucking make ourselves better. I always thought self-love was a bullshit term, but that's it right there.


Sorry if I have no idea what I'm talking about. This is what I'm doing, and it might be working, or my life might fall apart seconds after I post this. Best of luck though (to both of us)

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

There's no chance of building a mass movement without engaging with people w/ views you find distasteful, because, believe it or not, our "constituency" (or wannabe-constituency, as the case may be) often does not have the best opinions on a whole host of issues.

Hell the same goes for a bunch of people on this site *BOOM* :lol:

But yeah, if I only associated with people who had to share my exact viewpoints, I'd have 0 friends. That's no way to live.

I'm not trying to build a mass movement through making friends though, particularly since if people want to be my friend there's obviously something very wrong with them.

[Ele'ill]

could make a thread just for this, *trigger warning* again a pig escapes a truck on the way to the meat factory, climbs out of and jumps from moving truck, animals are attempting to liberate themselves already so we stand with them as comrades and friends, solidarity forever

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=180_1402537479

[Loony Le Fist]

could make a thread just for this, *trigger warning* again a pig escapes a truck on the way to the meat factory, climbs out of and jumps from moving truck, animals are attempting to liberate themselves already so we stand with them as comrades and friends, solidarity forever

If only Americans would resist subjugation as much as that pig did.

[Ele'ill]

Well they do it just involves a highly evolved social element, creating a workerist subculture exulting work, getting completely fucked over but still some how being alive afterwards, how many hours you have to work to barely be able to afford rent, etc..

[Loony Le Fist]

The following is not meant to describe real or planned events, thoughts, or feelings. TRIGGER WARNING


Sometimes I just want to walk into a Tea Party meeting and **** the living shit out of all of them. I want to s****** their *** and leave them b******d on the floor. Do I have anger issues? You fucking bet. :mad::mad::mad::mad:

I told my therapist I have violent thoughts. He told me as long as I don't act on them I'll be ok. :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[Loony Le Fist]

I know a lot of people here love soccer. I would enjoy sports more if it wasn't for the attached capitalist engine. Too bad you can't eat soccer balls.

FUCK FIFA!


https://www.jacobinmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/13998946669_06d55f70c6_z.jpg

[Os Cangaceiros]

and would you be their friend

Probably not. The issue isn't about me trying to "feel belonged and have lotz of friends" as you put it...I don't have many friends. The few friends I do have are usually only my friends only by virtue of the fact that we've known each other for a very long time (10+ years). But if I excommunicated everyone based on an ignorant comment, I could live a life unburdened by having friends or family.


?

The point was that it's better to engage ignorance in a constructive way, if possible. The comment you made that seemed to insinuate that I have this believe because I'm divorced from the reality of people who face the brunt of social discrimination "((maybe they aren't))" isn't really relevant because A) you obviously don't know me, and B) I've seen people who are in vulnerable positions take down ignorance through informed arguments first-hand.


If someone did misconstrue would you take them with all their contradictions and nonsense?

I'm forced to deal with people as they are, unfortunately. If I can open someone's mind up to possibilities that they hadn't considered before, then that's great...if their mind is completely shut off to that, then I'll write them off. I have to deal with the real world.

[Ele'ill]

Probably not. But if I excommunicated everyone based on an ignorant comment, I could live a life unburdened by having friends or family.

Ok but that sounds like ''yes"- not "probably not". So why are we supposed to bring that venom in close to our lives or keep it there forever? Why is that a sacred thing?


The point was that it's better to engage ignorance in a constructive way, if possible.

I don't know if there is a definitive 'better'



The comment you made that seemed to insinuate that I have this believe because I'm divorced from the reality of people who face the brunt of social discrimination "((maybe they aren't))" isn't really relevant because A) you obviously don't know me,

It was based off of the various things you were saying. A 'You don't know me' variant is kind of a deflection.



B) I've seen people who are in vulnerable positions take down ignorance through informed arguments first-hand.

You and I could probably agree that someone's statement(s) were adequately addressed through any series of counter-points brought up but that doesn't inherently alleviate that person's ignorance when they continue to disagree.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

according to all the evidence mixing booze and citalopram won't literally kill me (except by making me want to kill myself which to be honest is more or less my base state of being at the moment) and since citalopram seems to be somewhat less effective than incense and flavoured water anyway I figure I might as well drink anyway.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Ok but that sounds like ''yes"- not "probably not". So why are we supposed to bring that venom in close to our lives or keep it there forever? Why is that a sacred thing?

You aren't supposed to do anything. You can live your life however you see fit, I don't really care.

[Ele'ill]

a lot of the stuff that gets posted in this thread is dark because this is a place to let it out but something a little different- there is a chance that this is not funny at all to anybody else but I'm having a very hard time regaining my composure at the library thankfully it isn't too busy right now

vnXqAqW7hKM

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

the way we (i mean not specifically the 'we' of this forum for the most part but the 'we' of the dominant Anglophone cultures) view 'love' a lot of the time really pisses me off. I've been drinking for much of the last six or so hours so I doubt I'll be able to put this forward either concisely or coherently but it straight up annoys me that if I admitted that I really loved my best friends it would mess a bunch of stuff up (I know they'd be understanding but still.) I mean, let's ignore for now how fucking diluted the word 'love' seems to have become (apparently just saying you like a more than mediocre tv show isn't enough now jesus shit.) and work on some other most likely equally shit definition largely beyond my current powers of explaination but involving general intense, positive feelings and all that crap.

I have a surprising amount of really good friends for someone as defensively snarky and horribly depressed/socially anxious as i seem to be but I can single out two people in particular as my Best Friends (tm) who i will confide almost anything in and trust to the ends of the Earth. And I love them. Not like fanposting about a tv-show love but actually can't-go-without-in-my-life love. I mean, I love my other friends but i guess not in quite the same kind of intense way as these two, and as hard sometimes as it is for me to be able to see this I know they love me too. Not perhaps that it means much given my mental state but I'd die rather than see either of them really hurt. The issue with saying 'I love you' is that they're in a long-term and very happy relationship. Everything I reflexively feel based on what I 'know' socially says that I can't tell them I love them and that's fucking bullshit. I'd be scattered across some bullshit national park if it weren't for them - so why is it i can't tell them how important they are to me?


i tick like a whole bunch of boxes for all sorts of privileges but seriously


rat-fuck the patriarchy with a rusty tyre-iron.

[Loony Le Fist]

Damn. I'm a little fucked up! :laugh: I promise I won't make any political posts at this time. Plus, I have to go to work at 5:30am tomorrow. I'm in a celebratory mood, because I have a new job. Wish me luck! :laugh:

[consuming negativity]

according to all the evidence mixing booze and citalopram won't literally kill me (except by making me want to kill myself which to be honest is more or less my base state of being at the moment) and since citalopram seems to be somewhat less effective than incense and flavoured water anyway I figure I might as well drink anyway.

I've been on citalopram and drank heavily for weeks at the time and been fine. What you should worry about with that drug is not drinking on it, but no longer taking it. The longer you take it, the longer you will need to taper off of it to avoid the very unpleasant withdrawals known by the euphemism "SSRI discontinuation syndrome" because "good drugs" need not be associated with evil heroin junkies. A month is enough to have a bit of trouble coming off of it, but I took it for a couple years and even with a few weeks of tapering had over a month of withdrawing afterwards that was not only scary, but painful and temporarily debilitating. If you're not getting any benefit from it, stop now before you have to go through that later.

[Loony Le Fist]

Showed up on time at the jobsite this morning, and their Internet was down and they claimed they couldn't enter my information into the system. Gotta come back later on. I'm pretty sure it's 100% though. I need to supplement my existing work.

[Zoroaster]

I just took a quick peek at Stormfront.

Just no. Why does this have to exist?:crying:

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Someone wrote "Kill yourself, faggot." in front of my house. Yup. What really worries me is that these things used to get me high on murderous rage, now I'm just... tired. I don't know really.

[Zoroaster]

To 870:

I... Just... Wha...

I feel so bad for you. Christ, that must suck.:(

[human strike]

the way we (i mean not specifically the 'we' of this forum for the most part but the 'we' of the dominant Anglophone cultures) view 'love' a lot of the time really pisses me off. I've been drinking for much of the last six or so hours so I doubt I'll be able to put this forward either concisely or coherently but it straight up annoys me that if I admitted that I really loved my best friends it would mess a bunch of stuff up (I know they'd be understanding but still.) I mean, let's ignore for now how fucking diluted the word 'love' seems to have become (apparently just saying you like a more than mediocre tv show isn't enough now jesus shit.) and work on some other most likely equally shit definition largely beyond my current powers of explaination but involving general intense, positive feelings and all that crap.

I have a surprising amount of really good friends for someone as defensively snarky and horribly depressed/socially anxious as i seem to be but I can single out two people in particular as my Best Friends (tm) who i will confide almost anything in and trust to the ends of the Earth. And I love them. Not like fanposting about a tv-show love but actually can't-go-without-in-my-life love. I mean, I love my other friends but i guess not in quite the same kind of intense way as these two, and as hard sometimes as it is for me to be able to see this I know they love me too. Not perhaps that it means much given my mental state but I'd die rather than see either of them really hurt. The issue with saying 'I love you' is that they're in a long-term and very happy relationship. Everything I reflexively feel based on what I 'know' socially says that I can't tell them I love them and that's fucking bullshit. I'd be scattered across some bullshit national park if it weren't for them - so why is it i can't tell them how important they are to me?


i tick like a whole bunch of boxes for all sorts of privileges but seriously


rat-fuck the patriarchy with a rusty tyre-iron.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but we're of a similar age, nationality, gender and general demographic and also probably from very similar cultures, right? I think we're even both unemployed history graduates. I used to not be able to tell anyone that I loved them; not even my own mother. But one day I started saying it. Now I often tell my best friends that I love them (and I mean it) and they say it back (and they mean it too). What I'm getting at is; maybe say it to them, what's the worst that can happen? I mean, have you actually tried? Fucking the patriarchy is all about taking risks.

[GiantMonkeyMan]

Today I told my housemates I had work but actually just spent the day in my room quietly on my computer to avoid interaction. It got to the point where I was desperately hungry but I thought I heard someone in the kitchen so stayed in my room. My housemates are really cool people and would be the first to try and help me if I explained that I'm feeling so mentally shit but I don't get why I can't just talk to them about things. I've also been avoiding answering texts and phonecalls. I feel alone but I know that's almost just something I've constructed for myself when I'd have so many people to connect with if I just reached out there. I don't get why I don't.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I hate having manic episodes. I hate feeling out of control.

[Quail]

I can't go into much detail on here, but I'll probably be living alone soon and I'm kind of scared. I will cope because I have to cope, and I've done it before, but the thought of doing all that adult/parent stuff with nobody to help me is pretty terrifying.

[Five Year Plan]

Someone wrote "Kill yourself, faggot." in front of my house. Yup. What really worries me is that these things used to get me high on murderous rage, now I'm just... tired. I don't know really.

Did you write underneath it: "How about I kill you instead?"

[#FF0000]

I can't go into much detail on here, but I'll probably be living alone soon and I'm kind of scared. I will cope because I have to cope, and I've done it before, but the thought of doing all that adult/parent stuff with nobody to help me is pretty terrifying.

That's awful, but you can do it.

[#FF0000]

Cops came by to mark some of our stuff for seizure in the next couple weeks. The casket-dodging motherfuckers at the community board (sort of like a home owner's association, kind of) filed an injunction against my family because we are behind in our dues -- despite the fact that they broke their own bylaws in doing so in this particular situation.

[Quail]

I've kind of been preparing myself for this and it's not unexpected. Nobody did anything wrong or intentionally hurtful, so don't take my post as something suddenly terrible happening... It's just the daunting reality sinking in.

[Zoroaster]

Just ordered more then ten books on communism thanks to the three hundred dollars I got from getting honor roll all four quarters of school. I'm gonna spend the rest of summer reading Bordiga in the nearby park.

Yeah.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

Cops came by to mark some of our stuff for seizure in the next couple weeks.
Do you have someone who would store those items for you, so you can move them out before the police return?

[Zoroaster]

Christ. Just found out that some conservative's are having a book burning down town. There burning books like the Koran and "The Communist Manifesto". I'm gonna walk down and see some of this bullshit myself.

[Quail]

Holy fucking hell I just sent an email to my parents coming out. I hope I don't regret it.

[Zoroaster]

Well, I just witnessed my first book burning. Damn Tea Party fascists are burning books by Marx and other left-wing figures.

As one Jewish poet once said, "He who burns books, burns people".

[Crabbensmasher]

Well, I just witnessed my first book burning. Damn Tea Party fascists are burning books by Marx and other left-wing figures.

As one Jewish poet once said, "He who burns books, burns people".

That's insane. People had bible burnings at my high school though, so I think I win out on the hardcore contest.

[TheSocialistMetalhead]

Just got into a bit of a fight with a former (sort of) lady friend. Actually it wasn't really a fight but more of a really awkard, bitter conversation. I care about her but I've chosen not to be with her... because I already have a girlfriend that I really, really love. She has trouble coping because she's still in love with me...

[Quail]

Today has been full of anxiety and tears and scary phone calls. Going to go spend some time with my family at the weekend and I hope we can talk properly and things will be okay but I feel like shit right now.

[Ele'ill]

coming out of a low into something like hypomania it usually happens at night which i think is interesting I don't know why that is the case, maybe something to do with a sudden contrast from the day and other things going on, I thought maybe it had mainly to do with weather breaking at night a lot but rain or shine it happens, but it means I hardly sleep and feel great laying there and then great the next morning as the sun comes up like everything is beautiful, sounds seem heightened and more meaningful than they are, social interactions seem entirely positive, will talk with bus drivers and random people kind of small talk stuff that I normally avoid, but then sometimes its that same next day like right now or a few days later it is like way too much and the racing thoughts that were pleasant at first start to take on the tone of paranoia usually about health, sometimes its not paranoia it is about legitimate health concerns but there is nothing to diffuse the intensity into any type of manageable thought process and it all feels extremely real and the worry and anxiety is horrible then it goes back down into a low and I stop caring about myself/health and the problems that are real get worse over time


*made appointment with doctor *positive thoughts*

[Ele'ill]

Today has been full of anxiety and tears and scary phone calls. Going to go spend some time with my family at the weekend and I hope we can talk properly and things will be okay but I feel like shit right now.

I hope your family hangout goes great. In the mean time think about finding a healthy distraction. Sometimes art when I'm anxious or depressed is a terrible idea because I get mad at myself for being bad at it most of the time but looking at artwork online and in books at stores brings me back to when I was young and fascinated with fantasy/sci-fi universes like dinotopia, calvin and hobbes, various comics, comic shops etc.. and usually leads to spending a lot of time distracted looking through various things like that.