Stop Saying "I Have A Boyfriend"

[bropasaran]

Male privilege is “I have a boyfriend” being the only thing that can actually stop someone from hitting on you because they respect another male-bodied person more than they respect your rejection/lack of interest.



A little impracticle advice, but great insight.


http://www.eberhardtsmith.com/stop-saying-i-have-a-boyfriend

[Rosa Partizan]

Goddamn, this is so true, and I caught myself doing it several times. Sadly, sometimes it's the only way to ged rid off someone. Some years ago, I had a one night stand with some guy and he was like, lets meet again, let's go for a walk, let's do this and that, and I was like, no, I never promised you anything, and he kept going, writing text messages, calling me...sometimes he wrote me messages where he had seen me and this crept me out big time, so that I told him I had a new boyfriend. Not until then did he bugger off. Another sad thing is that many guys will pull off shitty stuff once you turn them down. Everyone knows these guys that will badmouth you, no matter if they got you laid or not, they will claim you're a slut, so sometimes, you just lose, no matter what you do. And I'm just not cool enough to be like "I don't care if everyone thinks I'm a slut". Yes, it bothers me. This went a bit offtopic, but yeah, so what.

[Sperm-Doll Setsuna]

When in the past I set my gender on some forums to female, I get random greasy buggers trying to hit on me rather clumsily, and that made me feel terribly awkward. So I never set it to that any longer. No one has tried to hit on me since!

[synthesis]

When in the past I set my gender on some forums to female, I get random greasy buggers trying to hit on me rather clumsily, and that made me feel terribly awkward. So I never set it to that any longer. No one has tried to hit on me since!

LOL, how is that in any way related to the OP?

[A Psychological Symphony]

But not really because saying "I have a girlfriend" would probably have the same effect

[Redistribute the Rep]

But not really because saying "I have a girlfriend" would probably have the same effect

It's just that with men saying you're just not interested isn't always enough. Some guys feel entitled to a woman and won't respect her feelings when she says she's not interested and needs a "real" reason, like her having a boyfriend.

[RedWorker]

It's just that with men saying you're just not interested isn't always enough. Some guys feel entitled to a woman and won't respect her feelings when she says she's not interested and needs a "real" reason, like her having a boyfriend.

It's just that with women saying you're just not interested isn't always enough. Some women feel entitled to a guy and won't respect his feelings when he says he's not interested and needs a "real" reason, like him having a girlfriend.

[Rosa Partizan]

It's just that with women saying you're just not interested isn't always enough. Some women feel entitled to a guy and won't respect his feelings when he says he's not interested and needs a "real" reason, like him having a girlfriend.

yes.

except that this is not true at all.

Women who hit on the same guy for several times are considered creepy and manic while guys doing the same are "persistent", cause, you know, girls wanna be conquered and an initial no is rather something like "try again, I might fall for it".

[Tim Cornelis]

yes.

except that this is not true at all.

Women who hit on the same guy for several times are considered creepy and manic while guys doing the same are "persistent", cause, you know, girls wanna be conquered and an initial no is rather something like "try again, I might fall for it".

I'd say that men who keep hitting on women even after having been told off are considered creeps, somewhat accurate I suppose. I think "that this is not true at all" is true but because I've never seen a guy use the 'i have a girlfriend' line -- apparently not needing it.

[Rosa Partizan]

I'd say that men who keep hitting on women even after having been told off are considered creeps, somewhat accurate I suppose. I think "that this is not true at all" is true but because I've never seen a guy use the 'i have a girlfriend' line -- apparently not needing it.

I somehow have the feeling that it's rather socially accepted that a guy hits several times on the same girl than vice versa, cause vice versa most people think the girl must be pretty desperate, cause, you know, girls should be the ones who pick and guys the ones who conquer her. So if the roles are reversed, something can't be right.

[Tim Cornelis]

I somehow have the feeling that it's rather socially accepted that a guy hits several times on the same girl than vice versa, cause vice versa most people think the girl must be pretty desperate, cause, you know, girls should be the ones who pick and guys the ones who conquer her. So if the roles are reversed, something can't be right.

Well I was thinking, maybe from a male perspective it's generally acceptable, but women, I think, would generally find it annoying or creepy.

[consuming negativity]

Men can be creepy as fuck and use intimidation or put-downs against a woman who doesn't jump right in bed with them. I think the psychological aspect has a lot to do with entitlement; that is, that men feel entitled to women like "the world is their oyster". It's like narcissistic neuroticism, where the women don't fall all over them so they lash out because of their insecurities; it hurts their feelings and makes them feel weak, so they try to establish dominance through trying to "return the favor" and hurt the woman's feelings, or be persistent in order to "prove themselves" to her. Because, after all, women are there for the taking if you know the right things to say - and they're incredibly nice, so clearly she's a stupid ***** for not wanting him.

The point being that sometimes, it's a lot easier to just go with what works and avoids conflict than the truth. Women shouldn't have their feet held to the fire for trying to be diplomatic with overbearing lugheads.

[Rosa Partizan]

Men can be creepy as fuck and use intimidation or put-downs against a woman who doesn't jump right in bed with them. I think the psychological aspect has a lot to do with entitlement; that is, that men feel entitled to women like "the world is their oyster". It's like narcissistic neuroticism, where the women don't fall all over them so they lash out because of their insecurities; it hurts their feelings and makes them feel weak, so they try to establish dominance through trying to "return the favor" and hurt the woman's feelings, or be persistent in order to "prove themselves" to her. Because, after all, women are there for the taking if you know the right things to say - and they're incredibly nice, so clearly she's a stupid ***** for not wanting him.

The point being that sometimes, it's a lot easier to just go with what works and avoids conflict than the truth. Women shouldn't have their feet held to the fire for trying to be diplomatic with overbearing lugheads.

crying over being friendzoned, you know how it goes.

[La Guaneña]

But not really because saying "I have a girlfriend" would probably have the same effect

One more bit of evidence that "I have a boyfriend" indicates that men respect another male's possesion of a woman is that if she uses "I have a girlfriend" instead, the man who is hitting on her is more likely to think "ooh, threesome" than to just get the fuck away.

[Quail]

I read this article earlier. It's been doing the rounds on facebook. Personally I don't use that line anymore - if the guy is being nice I'll tell him I'm not interested, if he's being an arsehole I'll straight up tell him to fuck off. Doesn't always work though, and sadly when I go out without any male friends we often have to resort to using a variety of tactics to protect each other from harassment. The thing is, and this should be really obvious, people should respect when you say you're not interested - but because men feel so entitled to women's bodies it's like they're confused how we could possibly refuse their disgusting creepy advances (not saying all guys are like this, but let's be honest I think we all know the kind of guy this article is talking about). We shouldn't have to tell a man that we have a partner to get him to leave us alone. I mean some men don't even respect women who say they don't find men attractive - they think lesbians are some kind of challenge or something. It's really sickening.

...and that's my semi-coherent drunk serious post for the night.

[Rosa Partizan]

Quail did it again - writing a higher quality post while being drunk than me being sober.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

This blog post came up on my Facebook feed. Good piece. It is sometimes difficult to not use the 'I have a boyfriend line' I used to use it. But in my experiences just telling them to fuck off works better because they don't expect that attitude and I found they get scared off by it.

[Tenka]

LOL, how is that in any way related to the OP?

How is it not? Creeps hit on her because she set her gender to female. She could have lied and said she had a boyfriend, but instead she lied and identified as male. I suppose it was less trouble. It is probably not an uncommon practice for females on the internet, since the sex-based harassment is so ubiquitous and not every gal actually has a boyfriend.

[A Psychological Symphony]

One more bit of evidence that "I have a boyfriend" indicates that men respect another male's possesion of a woman is that if she uses "I have a girlfriend" instead, the man who is hitting on her is more likely to think "ooh, threesome" than to just get the fuck away.

How do you know what this random man is most likely to think? What evidence makes you believe the majority of males would respond even more sexually aggressive in that scenario?

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

How do you know what this random man is most likely to think? What evidence makes you believe the majority of males would respond even more sexually aggressive in that scenario?

In some of our cases, lived experience...

[synthesis]

How is it not? Creeps hit on her because she set her gender to female. She could have lied and said she had a boyfriend, but instead she lied and identified as male. I suppose it was less trouble. It is probably not an uncommon practice for females on the internet, since the sex-based harassment is so ubiquitous and not every gal actually has a boyfriend.

You don't think there's any difference between A) a woman having to lie about having a boyfriend while being physically confronted by drunken males in a bar and/or hounded/stalked on Facebook/Instagram/whatever by said males, and B) having to take a couple seconds to change a setting on a web forum while being able to comfortably walk away from it at any point in time because nobody has the first clue about who you are, what you look like, or what your name is?

I found the complete lack of a frame of reference to anything physical or "real life-y" a little out of place, is all. Like someone with red hair and freckles joining a discussion about discrimination and going, "Oh, yeah, I totally feel your pain, people make fun of me for being a ginger all the time." I guess I could be misreading that post or be unaware of the seriousness of specific incidents around it, though, so if I am then I'm sorry.

[alfasurs]

Some women may say it in order not to hurt the guy's feelings. Nothing wrong with a little sensitivity, is there? It seems like people are desperately trying to find 'bad men' and 'victimized women' in every incident, in every detail. This only makes leftists look ridiculous, especially since there are so many incidents where there is actual discrimination and brutal violence against women.....but no, let us focus on how women suffer untold misery in the dating game.:confused:

[Jimmie Higgins]

Some women may say it in order not to hurt the guy's feelings. Nothing wrong with a little sensitivity, is there?
But why is it considered "insensitive" to just say, "I'm not interested?"

The cultural assumption is that women exist for men to pick.


It seems like people are desperately trying to find 'bad men' and 'victimized women' in every incident, in every detail. This only makes leftists look ridiculous, especially since there are so many incidents where there is actual discrimination and brutal violence against women.....but no, let us focus on how women suffer untold misery in the dating game.:confused:why rank aspects of oppression? I'm a worker and have a steady paycheck... So why should I complain about cut hours or lack of healthcare when there are tons of people in prison or working in china under worse conditions?

Almost every woman I know who is dating age has stories about unwanted advances and most have stories about overly aggressive or threatening pick-ups. The left is talking about these issues probably less than lifestyle internet blogs do, I think it would make the left look more ridiculous to join with the mainstream chorus saying, "women, you overreact too much".

[PhoenixAsh]

Some women may say it in order not to hurt the guy's feelings. Nothing wrong with a little sensitivity, is there? It seems like people are desperately trying to find 'bad men' and 'victimized women' in every incident, in every detail. This only makes leftists look ridiculous, especially since there are so many incidents where there is actual discrimination and brutal violence against women.....but no, let us focus on how women suffer untold misery in the dating game.:confused:

Since you have aleady proven to be an obvious troll...my answer is against better judgement.

But where do YOU think violence agains women actually comes from and where it actually starts...or were you just assuming that violence was the whole problem rather than the problem being violences root cause?

[Quail]

Some women may say it in order not to hurt the guy's feelings. Nothing wrong with a little sensitivity, is there? It seems like people are desperately trying to find 'bad men' and 'victimized women' in every incident, in every detail. This only makes leftists look ridiculous, especially since there are so many incidents where there is actual discrimination and brutal violence against women.....but no, let us focus on how women suffer untold misery in the dating game.:confused:

It's not about "misery in the dating game" - it's about being unable to go out without getting harassed by men, and being unable to get said men to stop simply by saying that we're not interested. It's one aspect of the patriarchal culture which oppresses women.

[alfasurs]

It's not about "misery in the dating game" - it's about being unable to go out without getting harassed by men, and being unable to get said men to stop simply by saying that we're not interested. It's one aspect of the patriarchal culture which oppresses women.

Harassment is a different thing and must be addressed. I am talking about being a little sensitive while letting someone down. You don't have to be ruthless and say 'not interested, buddy, get lost.' Instead, 'you're not my type' or 'I have a bf' could be a more sympathetic way.......

[alfasurs]

But why is it considered "insensitive" to just say, "I'm not interested?"

The cultural assumption is that women exist for men to pick.

It is insensitive to hurt someone's feelings. As to the other point, people may argue that women do the choosing, since it is only men who muster up the courage to ask them out - and therefore they're risking rejection, pain, humiliation, etc. Yes, there are instances where women may ask men out, but come on....usually it is the other way around.


why rank aspects of oppression? I'm a worker and have a steady paycheck... So why should I complain about cut hours or lack of healthcare when there are tons of people in prison or working in china under worse conditions?

Almost every woman I know who is dating age has stories about unwanted advances and most have stories about overly aggressive or threatening pick-ups. The left is talking about these issues probably less than lifestyle internet blogs do, I think it would make the left look more ridiculous to join with the mainstream chorus saying, "women, you overreact too much".

Harassment is very bad, agreed. But we're talking about a little sensitivity here and there. Is it wrong to say, "i have a bf' instead of 'not interested, go away.' Of course not. If anything, it requires a sensitive soul to do that.

[Quail]

Harassment is a different thing and must be addressed. I am talking about being a little sensitive while letting someone down. You don't have to be ruthless and say 'not interested, buddy, get lost.' Instead, 'you're not my type' or 'I have a bf' could be a more sympathetic way.......

Why is it hurtful for someone not to be interested in you though? "Sorry, I'm not interested" is not in itself a hurtful comment, unless the person on the receiving end happens to feel entitled to all people of their preferred gender. Which is kind of where the problem lies - some men feel entitled to women's bodies, which is why they won't take no for an answer.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

Some women may say it in order not to hurt the guy's feelings. Nothing wrong with a little sensitivity, is there? It seems like people are desperately trying to find 'bad men' and 'victimized women' in every incident, in every detail. This only makes leftists look ridiculous, especially since there are so many incidents where there is actual discrimination and brutal violence against women.....but no, let us focus on how women suffer untold misery in the dating game.:confused:

Dude, what drugs are you on and where can get some?

You know what looks ridiculous?

Idiots who gloss over sexual aggression and harassment.

Yeah, dumb motherfuckers who think simply "no I don't want to" lacks "a little sensitivity. Because Men obviously need to be treated like they are special and might start having spontaneous spasms if they are told no. Dude, they are grown ass men, if they can't handle a "no" they deserve to get the shit kicked out of them by grrrls like me who will engage in feminist ultraviolence.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

Harassment is a different thing and must be addressed. I am talking about being a little sensitive while letting someone down. You don't have to be ruthless and say 'not interested, buddy, get lost.' Instead, 'you're not my type' or 'I have a bf' could be a more sympathetic way.......

basically blah blah blah poor men and their feelings blah blah blah womyn need to be sensitive so their no doesn't hurt men's feelings blah blah blah men are like delicate and shit blah blah blah.

[Lynx]

Is a fake wedding ring too subtle for the lugheads?

[alfasurs]

Why is it hurtful for someone not to be interested in you though? "Sorry, I'm not interested" is not in itself a hurtful comment, unless the person on the receiving end happens to feel entitled to all people of their preferred gender. Which is kind of where the problem lies - some men feel entitled to women's bodies, which is why they won't take no for an answer.

Not being interested .... that isn't hurtful. It is the way we treat people that could be hurtful. If a person doesn't have symmetrical features, do you tell them right away they're ugly in the name of honesty? Or will you be sensitive?

If a guy feels hurts after rejection, it means he is the emotional type. In short, human, cuz humans have this weird tendency to feel disappointment or pain after rejection. Crazy, I know. Does not mean he is entitled to women's bodies (Jesus, lmao)... that's your conclusion based upon zero evidence and faulty logic.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

Is a fake wedding ring too subtle for the lugheads?

Why should anyone be put in a position where they need to use a fake wedding ring as opposed to saying "no, not interested"?

[Quail]

Not being interested .... that isn't hurtful. It is the way we treat people that could be hurtful. If a person doesn't have symmetrical features, do you tell them right away they're ugly in the name of honesty? Or will you be sensitive?
What are you even on about? I don't see why it's hurtful to be straight with someone and tell them, gently, that you're not interested. You don't have to go into a long explanation of what exactly you think is unattractive about them (if that's the case) - or perhaps you think they're attractive but you just want to spend time with your friends. Or whatever. Not being interested requires no explanation. If someone isn't interested, take it gracefully and leave them alone.


If a guy feels hurts after rejection, it means he is the emotional type. In short, human, cuz humans have this weird tendency to feel disappointment or pain after rejection. Crazy, I know. Does not mean he is entitled to women's bodies (Jesus, lmao)... that's your conclusion based upon zero evidence and faulty logic.

Okay, you might feel a bit disappointed after being let down. Sure, it hurts a bit. But I don't see why women should be forced to invent imaginary boyfriends to spare your feelings. When you approach people, you should know there's a risk of rejection and be prepared for it.

[Lynx]

Harassment is very bad, agreed. But we're talking about a little sensitivity here and there. Is it wrong to say, "i have a bf' instead of 'not interested, go away.' Of course not. If anything, it requires a sensitive soul to do that.
It is possible to be polite or rude while using the same words. Having worked in the hospitality industry, I have learned how to be polite. Sensitivity on my part has nothing to do with it - it's a basic social skill.
Everyone uses little white lies to smooth things along. It's a matter of survival.

[Lynx]

Why should anyone be put in a position where they need to use a fake wedding ring as opposed to saying "no, not interested"?
I'm interested if it's an effective strategy, not whether you need to, or should.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

I'm interested if it's an effective strategy, not whether you need to, or should.

Thank you for the clarifying point.

Well when I was engaged it wasn't effective (except in his hometown where people generally backed off because he had a notorious reputation that scared them off even while he was in lock up)

[synthesis]

Harassment is a different thing and must be addressed. I am talking about being a little sensitive while letting someone down. You don't have to be ruthless and say 'not interested, buddy, get lost.' Instead, 'you're not my type' or 'I have a bf' could be a more sympathetic way.......

The issue is clearly not about whether saying "I'm not interested, get lost" is too mean or which gender suffers "the pain of rejection" or whatever, but about when saying "I'm not interested" isn't enough to get someone to leave you alone, and therefore you have to say that you have a boyfriend because of the implicit threat of violence if the suitor does not desist. The former hypothetical situation assumes that the discussion is already on a playing field where the two parties will respect one another's wishes. Women shouldn't have to invent a bodyguard just so they can engage with men at bars or parties and the like, or often to just go out in public.

edit: oh snap, question resolved.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

The issue is clearly not about whether saying "I'm not interested, get lost" is too mean or which gender suffers "the pain of rejection" or whatever, but about when saying "I'm not interested" isn't enough to get someone to leave you alone, and therefore you have to say that you have a boyfriend because of the implicit threat of violence if the suitor does not desist. The former hypothetical situation assumes that the discussion is already on a playing field where the two parties will respect one another's wishes. Women shouldn't have to invent a bodyguard just so they can engage with men at bars or parties and the like, or often to just go out in public.

edit: oh snap, question resolved.

I think I just fell in love with you for 6 seconds, but in all seriousness I think you nailed the point and you totes deserve props. Cheers!

[bropasaran]

I think I remember reading somewhere that in Poland it's impolite to hit on girls and thatt guy should wait for girls to hit on them. Or maybe it's not Poland, I forgot. Does anyone know if this is the case anywhere?

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

I think I remember reading somewhere that in Poland it's impolite to hit on girls and thatt guy should wait for girls to hit on them. Or maybe it's not Poland, I forgot. Does anyone know if this is the case anywhere?

wherever it is, that is kind of awesome.

[Rosa Partizan]

I think I just fell in love with you for 6 seconds, but in all seriousness I think you nailed the point and you totes deserve props. Cheers!

yeah he totally will be a part of my male revleft-harem, along with communer and #FF0000.

[Lynx]

Thank you for the clarifying point.

Well when I was engaged it wasn't effective (except in his hometown where people generally backed off because he had a notorious reputation that scared them off even while he was in lock up)
So much for the theory that there are men who would prefer not to behave like cads.