“Jesus Not Coming Back By The Looks Of It� Admits Vatican

[Hexen]

“Jesus Not Coming Back By The Looks Of It” Admits Vatican

April 18, 2014
http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Cards172828307-676x450.jpg (http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Cards172828307-676x450.jpg)
A SPOKESPERSON for the Vatican has officially announced today that the second coming of Jesus, the only son of the God, may not happen now after all, but urged followers to still continue with their faith, regardless of the news.
Cardinal Giorgio Salvadore told WWN that this years 1,981st anniversary is to be the Vatican’s last in regards to waiting for the Lord to return to Earth.
“We just feel Jesus is not coming back by the looks of it.” he said. “It’s been ages like. He’s probably flat out doing other really good things for people somewhere else.”
Nearly two thousand years ago, Jesus promised his disciples that he would come again in chapter John 14:1-3 of the bible: “There are many homes up where my Father lives, and I am going to prepare them for your coming. When everything is ready, then I will come and get you, so that you can always be with Me where I am. If this weren’t so, I would tell you plainly”
The Vatican defended Jesus’ broken promise, claiming “he was probably drinking wine” at the time when he made the comments.
“Having the ability to turn water into wine had its ups and its downs.” added Cardinal Salvadore. “We all make promises we can’t keep when we’re drunk. Jesus was no different.”
The church said it will now focus attentions on rebuilding its reputation around the world, but will keep an optimistic mind for the savior’s second coming.


Source: http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2014/04/18/jesus-not-coming-back-by-the-looks-of-it-admits-vatican/

[Comrade Jacob]

This is very funny but is it legit? (Probably not).

[Psycho P and the Freight Train]

This is obviously from the Onion, but funny nonetheless.

Tell that to some grown adults I know who are simply convinced that the second coming is happening in our lifetime.

[Prometeo liberado]

This is very funny but is it legit? (Probably not).

You're serious. .....?
Yes Comrade Jacob, your absentee landlord ain't coming back. You can add to that Robin Hood and his merry men. Never ever ever coming back again..

[Comrade Jacob]

You're serious. .....?
Yes Comrade Jacob, your absentee landlord ain't coming back. You can add to that Robin Hood and his merry men. Never ever ever coming back again..

I'm not a christian m8.
I meant legit as in a legitimate news source not that Jesus is actually coming back. derp

[Prometeo liberado]

I'm not a christian m8.
I meant legit as in a legitimate news source not that Jesus is actually coming back. derp

Fuck the source, they quoted a Cardinal. That should have been your first clue.:rolleyes:

[ckaihatsu]

But Santa's still on for next winter, right??


= D

[Zostrianos]

Spoof or not, Jesus is not coming back according to the Bible itself:
There are several passages in the gospels where Jesus says he will return in the disciples' lifetime (Mark 13:30 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/index.php?version=50&search=Mark+13:30), Matthew 10:23, 16:28, 24:34 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/index.php?version=50&search=Matthew+10:23%2C+16:28%2C+24:34), Luke 21:32 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/index.php?version=50&search=Luke+21:32), etc.).
The same expectation held during the period the apostle Paul wrote his letters. In 1 Corinthians 7:29-31 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/index.php?version=50&search=1+Corinthians+7:29-31) Paul says that the time is so short that believers should drastically change the way that they live. But Paul had a problem - some believers had died, so what would happen to them when Jesus returned?
Paul's answer in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/index.php?version=50&search=1+Thessalonians+4:13-18) shows that Paul expected that at least some of those he was writing to would be alive when Jesus returned - "we who are alive, and remain..." The same passage also indicates that Paul believed that those believers who had died remained "asleep in Jesus" until he returned. However, as the delay in Jesus' return grew longer, the location of Jesus' kingdom shifted from earth to heaven and we later find Paul indicating that when believers die they will immediately "depart and be with Christ" (Philippians 1:23 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/index.php?version=50&search=Philippians+1:23)).
It is quite obvious that Jesus never intended to start any type of church structure since he believed he would return very shortly to rule his kingdom in person. It is also quite obvious that Jesus was wrong about when he was coming back....


As time went by without Jesus returning, the apostle Paul was forced to rethink things he had written about earlier, including the state of dead believers and the nature of the kingdom.


http://infidels.org/library/modern/paul_carlson/nt_contradictions.html

[Prometeo liberado]

But Santa's still on for next winter, right??


= D

Oh no doubt! I mean c'mon, we're not morons now.
Is Santa still on...what if the kids heard you?

[ckaihatsu]

Oh no doubt! I mean c'mon, we're not morons now.
Is Santa still on...what if the kids heard you?


What-if-the-kids-saw-I-was-confirming-Santa's-scheduled-flight-for-Christmas-2014--?


???!


(grin)

[Prometeo liberado]

What-if-the-kids-saw-I-was-confirming-Santa's-scheduled-flight-for-Christmas-2014--?


???!


(grin)

Sweet, I'll be home soon 'hon.

[ckaihatsu]

As time went by without Jesus returning, the apostle Paul was forced to rethink things he had written about earlier, including the state of dead believers and the nature of the kingdom.


Yup, haven't we all been *there* -- !


x D

[ckaihatsu]

sweet, i'll be home soon 'hon.


(wtf???)

[Multiaccounting]

I'm not sure if I believe this article or not, but it certainly is interesting.

[BIXX]

For anyone who can't figure this shit out it's a joke and if you're pretending you think it's real stop you're scaring me cause I get afraid that you're dumb

[ckaihatsu]

For anyone who can't figure this shit out it's a joke and if you're pretending you think it's real stop you're scaring me cause I get afraid that you're dumb


So that means he *is* coming back -- ??


x D

[BIXX]

So that means he *is* coming back -- ??





x D


See, you get it :)

[Multiaccounting]

For anyone who can't figure this shit out it's a joke and if you're pretending you think it's real stop you're scaring me cause I get afraid that you're dumb

Thank you! Now I know not to believe it. I was leaning in thy direction from the beginning but it's nice to have my instinct confirmed.

[Prometeo liberado]

So that means he *is* coming back -- ??


x D

Now THAT shit is funny.

seriously though, is he or isn't he?

[Prometeo liberado]

(wtf???)

Yeah, I don't know either.

[Dave B]

The prequel to JC coming back will be the “the planets being driven off their courses”

I suspect the 'heads up' Vatican still is expecting this hence their otherwise peculiar interest in Trans Neptunian objects.

An extra or rogue planet passing through the solar system would do the trick.

Eg

16th September 2010
Brother Dr. Guy Consolmagno SJ
American research astronomer and planetary scientist at the Vatican Observatory
"Trans-Neptunian Objects"


This lecture was held at the John Dalton Building, Room E0.05, Manchester Metropolitan University


http://www.manastro.co.uk/history/syllabus/syl2010.html

That included a brief mention about the theory and possibility of a missing planet being slung shot out of the solar system after reaching an orbital resonance with its immediate neighbours; and returning.

He was a real proper astronomer and scientist by the way as well as being Jesuit; he gave the lecture in full costume as well.

[Red Economist]

"Jesus not coming back by the looks of it" Says Vatican.

That's the kind of thing an Anti-Christ would say..... :glare:

[I'm joking of course].

[Dave B]

Josephus (as well as Tacitus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tacitus)), reporting on the conclusion of the Jewish war, claimed that around the time when Jerusalem and the Temple would be taken, a man from their own nation, viz. the Messiah, would become governor of the habitable earth. Josephus, dismissing these things, said that the only governor of the habitable earth was Vespasian who conquered it.[11] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vespasian#cite_note-13)[12] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vespasian#cite_note-14)




http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vespasian

I am not exactly sure I think I agree with the apparently self contradictory “dismissing these things”.

The implication from Josephus was that Vespasian was the prophesized messiah; probably sucking up to his patron.

The Josephus stuff was more than likely Lord Haw Haw Roman propaganda commissioned by the state; and probably updated later.

The Roman’s loved the Judiac material as very old magical type stuff and liked to incorporate it into their own ideology when they could.