Quail
28th April 2014, 23:13
So, I was talking to someone I know the other night about how they had a bad experience with calling someone out because of the way that the other people in the group reacted... and I was thinking, the same thing quite often happens in this forum on Revleft. Someone calls something out as discriminatory, someone else launches into a defence of it, we all weigh in and finally, the thread becomes a complete trainwreck.
So here are some guidelines for respecting each other, especially in the situation where someone is called out, which I hope will prevent this from happening quite so often in future, and make for a more productive Discrimination forum. (I welcome any suggestions or updates to this thread.)
If you are calling someone out:
Try to explain why what someone said is offensive instead of using sarcasm or insults. I appreciate how hard this is and if someone were to say something face to face, it's difficult to control your anger sometimes... which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But this is a message board, and there is the option of filtering your posts. Seriously, every time you see me give some calm, reasonable response to a sexist waste of space you can guarantee I am swearing at my computer screen. But moreover the point is to try to engage in a dialogue in a way which is going to limit the chances of an overly defensive response, because someone who is on the defensive just plain isn't going to listen.
If someone calls you out:
Apologise. If you weren't aware there were discriminatory connotations to something that you said, then listen. This is a chance to learn, and certainly shouldn't be taken as a personal attack. The truth is that everyone was raised in a fucked up a society which discriminates against a multitude of groups of people and of course you're going to absorb some of that. That's not to excuse the reactionary beliefs you have absorbed though. The point is to take note of why you were called out, think about it, maybe imagine something similar happening or being said to you. If you find yourself feeling upset or angry, instead of rushing to the keyboard to defend yourself and whatever you said, take a breather and come back when you feel calmer and more collected. You might find you have a different perspective on things.
This isn't to say that calling someone out can be used as a tool to shut down discussion of controversial topics. If you genuinely think that the person calling you out is wrong, then you can explain why - but bear in mind that most people in marginalised groups don't take too kindly to having someone who just said something that helps to perpetuate their discrimination patronisingly explain to them why in fact it doesn't.
So here are some guidelines for respecting each other, especially in the situation where someone is called out, which I hope will prevent this from happening quite so often in future, and make for a more productive Discrimination forum. (I welcome any suggestions or updates to this thread.)
If you are calling someone out:
Try to explain why what someone said is offensive instead of using sarcasm or insults. I appreciate how hard this is and if someone were to say something face to face, it's difficult to control your anger sometimes... which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But this is a message board, and there is the option of filtering your posts. Seriously, every time you see me give some calm, reasonable response to a sexist waste of space you can guarantee I am swearing at my computer screen. But moreover the point is to try to engage in a dialogue in a way which is going to limit the chances of an overly defensive response, because someone who is on the defensive just plain isn't going to listen.
If someone calls you out:
Apologise. If you weren't aware there were discriminatory connotations to something that you said, then listen. This is a chance to learn, and certainly shouldn't be taken as a personal attack. The truth is that everyone was raised in a fucked up a society which discriminates against a multitude of groups of people and of course you're going to absorb some of that. That's not to excuse the reactionary beliefs you have absorbed though. The point is to take note of why you were called out, think about it, maybe imagine something similar happening or being said to you. If you find yourself feeling upset or angry, instead of rushing to the keyboard to defend yourself and whatever you said, take a breather and come back when you feel calmer and more collected. You might find you have a different perspective on things.
This isn't to say that calling someone out can be used as a tool to shut down discussion of controversial topics. If you genuinely think that the person calling you out is wrong, then you can explain why - but bear in mind that most people in marginalised groups don't take too kindly to having someone who just said something that helps to perpetuate their discrimination patronisingly explain to them why in fact it doesn't.