are people in relationships a no-no for you?

[Rosa Partizan]

So, basically, when you meet someone you find cool and attractive and get to know that they have a partner - does this make you back off generally? Or are you more like, well, okay, let's see how this develops? How do you behave towards this person in case you don't want to back off entirely?

[Sinister Intents]

So, basically, when you meet someone you find cool and attractive and get to know that they have a partner - does this make you back off generally? Or are you more like, well, okay, let's see how this develops? How do you behave towards this person in case you don't want to back off entirely?

It does make me back away when I find someone like this to be honest. It pushes me away a bit, but I still try to be friends and generally stop talking anyway :( I also stopped trying to find a relationship. I don't really think I'll ever be in one again. Also too much fear has developed for me, so I can't really get into another relationship.

[Rosa Partizan]

you really try to be friends? Isn't this hurting you just more? I mean, be around that person and be kind of too close, but at the same time not close enough?

[Loony Le Fist]

So, basically, when you meet someone you find cool and attractive and get to know that they have a partner - does this make you back off generally? Or are you more like, well, okay, let's see how this develops? How do you behave towards this person in case you don't want to back off entirely?

It's going to depend on what the boundaries of that other relationship are and how serious it is. If their partner really doesn't have a problem with it, I don't see why I should either. It is a tricky situation. Some people claim to be cool with open relationships, but then it turns out they really aren't. I would say the key is to be careful and understand everyone's boundaries in the situation.

[Rosa Partizan]

let's treat this question with the premise that it is an ordinary monogamous relationship, loony.

[Loony Le Fist]

let's treat this question with the premise that it is an ordinary monogamous relationship, loony.

You know me, just trying to cover the bases. :grin:

In that case, then I guess I have no choice but to create some distance there if find the person attractive and there's some chemistry. It's best for everyone involved. If I were to be friends with a person that I had feelings for, I know it would be a bad situation. Time to eject.

[Sinister Intents]

you really try to be friends? Isn't this hurting you just more? I mean, be around that person and be kind of too close, but at the same time not close enough?

I try to be friends with a lot of people, but I don't have many friends. I'm generally at home after work, or I'm at school and I seem to have kind of a social life at school I guess. It does hurt sometimes to be honest, but I guess I don't care so much anymore. I'm more enjoying being alone, and I feel like I deserve to be alone.

[Art Vandelay]

If the person is in a monogamous relationship then you should certainly not make any advances of a sexual nature towards them. Be respectful of them and the individual they are with. That being said, platonic friendships are not impossible, so I see no reason why you would have to cut the person out of your life entirely. I have had similar situations to this and my honest advice (if you don't want anyone to get hurt) is to simply be friends, if that is something that you can manage emotionally. Chances are the relationship wont be their last anyways and in the future you never know what could happen between the two of you.

[Rosa Partizan]

Inertia, this is an interesting post, so I'd like to dig deeper. What does "platonic" in this context mean to you? Let's assume that you see each other very regularly, but you still know very little about each other. Would you then be just like, let's meet from time to time to get to know each other better? Is this really platonic when you would like to be more than friends?

[Tim Cornelis]

Depends, if I hear someone's in a relationship in a 'normal setting', I basically always disengage (though hanging out, or be friends, is still possible), but sometimes when I'm going out and talk to someone and find out she's seeing someone I don't disengage (mind you, this is when she's engaging back), then I'm thinking it's her responsibility, not mine.

[Invader Zim]

Personally, I do not. There is far too much potential for major emotional fall out all round. That, and rather increases the potential for rejection, which is obviously hardly a pleasant experience.

[Rosa Partizan]

does it make a difference if you know that partner of theirs? Let's assume you don't know that partner.

[synthesis]

I used to go after people in relationships. I've never cheated on anyone, but I was into people who wanted to cheat on their partner with me. Fucked up, I know, but that's how it is. Something to do with insecurity, I guess. Now I recognize that it's bad karma. But I also have never messed with anyone who any of my friends dated, past or present. Weird dichotomy there.

[Art Vandelay]

Inertia, this is an interesting post, so I'd like to dig deeper. What does "platonic" in this context mean to you? Let's assume that you see each other very regularly, but you still know very little about each other. Would you then be just like, let's meet from time to time to get to know each other better? Is this really platonic when you would like to be more than friends?

You can still want to be more than friends with an individual, while still respecting the boundaries of their relationship. By platonic, I simply mean a form of love or affection that is non-sexual. You have to take the notion of a relationship of a sexual nature with this person off the table, as they are in a committed relationship. What you are left with is the possibility of building a friendship with this person, which down the line, if circumstances were to change, could maybe turn into something else. For the time being though, they are in a monogamous relationship with someone (and lets assume they are both happy) and you need to respect that. Just my two cents.

---


I used to go after people in relationships. I've never cheated on anyone, but I was into people who wanted to cheat on their partner with me. Fucked up, I know, but that's how it is. Something to do with insecurity, I guess. Now I recognize that it's bad karma.

I was in a relationship for 5 years and had someone do this with me. We were good friends and she was helping me through some of the stuff I was dealing with. I don't know if she was only interested in me because I was in a relationship or not (she told me she was falling in love with me), but it was certainly a really fucked up situation, especially given the head space I was in. I said no, couldn't live with myself if I had, but its certainly not something I appreciated and it makes me seriously question the character of this friend and as a result we don't really see each other or hang out as much anymore.

e: I think alot of time people just want what/who they cant have.

[Psycho P and the Freight Train]

The person at fault is always the one involved in a relationship. Not the third party. It's not anyone's responsibility to find out if the person they are into is in a relationship. If the person they are into is such a scumbag as to cheat on their significant other, then they are to blame.

That being said I would not generally go for someone in a relationship because if they cheat on their partner, they'll cheat on you too.

[Ele'ill]

a lot of my friends are married or in relationships that aren't open and i don't even know if I feel deep attachment to some of my friends as friends or if I'm interested in being with them forever as very close intimate non-sexual and often non-physical partners - and this has nothing to do with the question in the op but it plays a big part in social encounters. I tend to be very closed off and cold.

[consuming negativity]

I'll be friends with anybody I like who is also interested in being my friend, regardless of their relationship status. People who get in a romantic relationship and then drop all ties with other friends/disappear off the edge of the planet are really annoying. Although, nowadays when I see this I more treat it as a sign of an unhealthy/abusive relationship than anything that has to do with me. In the same vein, even if the person I'm with is not cheating on me, if I suspect them of cheating or find myself agreeing with the idea that they would cheat on me, I'll break off the relationship. I value honestly and loyalty very highly, and if I can't trust a person to be around persons of the gender(s)/sex(es) they're attracted to, then the relationship isn't going to last anyway.

[synthesis]

I was in a relationship for 5 years and had someone do this with me. We were good friends and she was helping me through some of the stuff I was dealing with. I don't know if she was only interested in me because I was in a relationship or not (she told me she was falling in love with me), but it was certainly a really fucked up situation, especially given the head space I was in. I said no, couldn't live with myself if I had, but its certainly not something I appreciated and it makes me seriously question the character of this friend and as a result we don't really see each other or hang out as much anymore.

e: I think alot of time people just want what/who they cant have.

To clarify, the people in my post weren't "what I couldn't have." The opposite, actually.

[Art Vandelay]

To clarify, the people in my post weren't "what I couldn't have." The opposite, actually.

I was actually kinda just going off on a tangent to be honest, since I have had a similar experience but from the opposite side of things. I didn't mean to infer anything about you, or whatever situations you were in with folks, since I don't know you or what you've been through. There is definitely always a context to any situation.

[synthesis]

I think to a certain extent it's related to the idea that no one person's needs can be entirely fulfilled by only one other person. (I don't think that's universally true, at all, but the idea is out there.) So these people I became involved with, or used to be involved with and then resumed involvement while they were in other relationships, were easier relationships to maintain because I knew exactly what they were looking for from me.

That's the "sympathetic" version, anyway, relatively speaking.

[Loony Le Fist]

The person at fault is always the one involved in a relationship. Not the third party. It's not anyone's responsibility to find out if the person they are into is in a relationship. If the person they are into is such a scumbag as to cheat on their significant other, then they are to blame.

That being said I would not generally go for someone in a relationship because if they cheat on their partner, they'll cheat on you too.

I agree that it is totally up to the person involved in a monogamous relationship to be candid. If they don't tell you about an existing contingency, then the fault is totally with that party. That said, if they reveal that to you, I think it is a rather thoughtless act to continue in such a relationship where you are the third party.

[The Intransigent Faction]

Pretty much, yeah. If I know a woman's in a relationship, or if I could figure they are but aren't being honest about it (though the latter hasn't happened to me yet), I don't pursue them. I wouldn't feel comfortable being flirty, much less trying to pursue something more involved with them.

Still, as much as I like to think I could just back away and keep my distance, I couldn't just cut a friend out of my life because I had feelings for her while she was in a relationship. I take friendship too seriously to do that, even if not doing so triggers some kind of weird emotional rollercoaster or whatever. Besides, whether she's in a relationship or not, I'd say I'm more likely to develop those feelings for a friend, who is someone who knows how my mind works, than after some blind date with a stranger. So either I'm just bizarre in that way, or that kind of emotional tough-spot is sometimes inevitable at some point anyway, whether because you can't be with the person or because you shouldn't.

So yeah, if someone's in an open relationship where both partners are okay with it, it's not up to me to judge them, but my answer to getting 'involved' in that sense with someone in a relationship is unequivocally no.

[motion denied]

Talarico morre cedo.

Famous commandment around here.

[Thirsty Crow]

So, basically, when you meet someone you find cool and attractive and get to know that they have a partner - does this make you back off generally? Or are you more like, well, okay, let's see how this develops? How do you behave towards this person in case you don't want to back off entirely?
In general, yes this does make me back off, but the thing is, I'm not that big on giving up on people so I also generally tend to want to stay in contact and see whether a friendship might develop.

As people said here, this can cause you much trouble. But some people are simply worth the pain. It's also a fact that unlike some stories about emotions being uncontrollable, I found out I am really able to handle them. It's all down to making something work and actively "work through" this to be able to arrive at another place emotionally, so to speak.

About behavior towards them, well it's the same basically to any interesting human being that I can fully respect and relate to. The "extra" dimension is mine to deal with and doesn't effect my behavior towards them.

Anyway, that's the general story, but sometimes life throws you a curve ball. The really complicated situations arise out of mutual emotions and attraction while one person is in a relationship. A whole lot of improvising is needed here.

[Rosa Partizan]

let's add a bit of complication to that whole thing and assume your person of interest is a colleague from work. Would this change anything about your behavior?

[Thirsty Crow]

let's add a bit of complication to that whole thing and assume your person of interest is a colleague from work. Would this change anything about your behavior?
That sounds like trouble on the horizon.

Especially if the enterprise has rules in place against colleagues involved in romantic relationship. But if not then it might seem you're stuck with a garden variety fucked up situation.

I really don't have anything to say on this that doesn't relate to my own experience.
In this sense, the thing to ask yourself might be "how likely is it that I'm going to get fucked up emotionally", judging from your own sense of yourself and the limited sense of another person.

If the answer is even remotely coming close to "It's possible", yeah run away run for your life. This is me speaking from my own position of getting burned the way I didn't need to really. Sometimes it's just not factually right to think "oh s/he'll come around and all will be good and splendid" cause no it damn won't.

And it would be best if you could avoid that particular couple if possible, especially if you're a more emotional kind of person. Here it's not so easy unfortunately.

[Rosa Partizan]

I can avoid them easily, they see each other during the weekends only, cause she lives about 60-70 miles away, while he and I are almost neighbours. thank you, linksradikal :wub:

[Thirsty Crow]

I can avoid them easily, they see each other during the weekends only, cause she lives about 60-70 miles away, while he and I are almost neighbours. thank you, linksradikal :wub:Almost neighbors kinda spoils the deal with not seeing him/them but it could be fine I guess :lol:

But really, the worst thing to do is to fall into a net of your own illusion about the other person and the chances for the two of you being together. Just take care of yourself, as simple as it sounds :)

[Rosa Partizan]

it all started with me asking him for meeting up for a coffee. He's an IT-guy in my company, his office is next to the one where I work. he instantly said yes and I gave him my number. He wrote me some days later and was like, let's do this, unless you have a problem with me having a girlfriend. I was like, it's fine, but revealed at the same that I had hoped otherwise.

Then last Thursday we met and had coffee. He then was like, let's go get some ice cream and chill by the riverside. We did that and he was awesome, much more funny and outgoing than I had expected. We found out that he's only 10 days older than me and that he lives almost next door. We then had the same way back home and at the end, we hugged and said "have a nice way back home (don't know how to put that in English) at exactly the same time which made us laugh and I'm quite sure he turned a bit embarrassed, but it was really cute.

Yeah, I don't wanna be too aggressive now. If he wants to see me again, he can ask, otherwise I won't be doing anything.

[Thirsty Crow]

it all started with me asking him for meeting up for a coffee. He's an IT-guy in my company, his office is next to the one where I work. he instantly said yes and I gave him my number. He wrote me some days later and was like, let's do this, unless you have a problem with me having a girlfriend. I was like, it's fine, but revealed at the same that I had hoped otherwise.

Then last Thursday we met and had coffee. He then was like, let's go get some ice cream and chill by the riverside. We did that and he was awesome, much more funny and outgoing than I had expected. We found out that he's only 10 days older than me and that he lives almost next door. We then had the same way back home and at the end, we hugged and said "have a nice way back home (don't know how to put that in English) at exactly the same time which made us laugh and I'm quite sure he turned a bit embarrassed, but it was really cute.

Yeah, I don't wanna be too aggressive now. If he wants to see me again, he can ask, otherwise I won't be doing anything.The good thing is the in this first stage (and yes, I have this kind of situations divided into stages) he clearly announced his current position in life.

The real confusion and general fucked up-ness comes with not doing so. Just imagine really fancying someone who's hanging around you in this student activist circle (and yes I'm embarassed to admit to student activism proper; but in my defence, she was the reason why I sticked around as long as I did) and giving off clear signs of this being mutual, just to inform you they're in a relationship after you've come out (as I don't really flirt openly, every instance of admitting to liking someone's like coming out of the closet :lol:).

By my calculation, the next stage ought to be crucial; the stage when you see whether he's jerking you around (even unconsciously people do this when they don't really know what is it they want) or trying to make a friendship.

[Quail]

It depends on the nature of the other person's relationship. Some people have open relationships and are cool with their partner seeing other people, some people have strict monogamous relationships. I kind of have a bit of a crush on someone who is in a relationship but I'd still like to get to know them better because they're a cool person. Generally I'm attracted to people for a reason, which would make them a fun friend to have around.

I think one of the things about cheating is that people do it because they have some need that is not being met by their partner, so I don't think that everyone who has ever cheated on a partner is a terrible person. Depends on the circumstances. I think asking one person to satisfy your every need is asking something huge and unrealistic.

[Skyhilist]

It depends if they're in a polyamorous or monogamous relationship. If it's a monogamous thing then I try not to make any advances, and have certainly never initiated any. However, if the other person makes the advance on me and they're attractive, I'll be honest, I'm not perfect although I try not to be that guy.

[Sea]

If someone's in a (closed) relationship it's a no-no for me if it's a no-no for them. If it's a no-no for the person they're in the relationship with but not a no-no for them then it depends on the context and what I think of that person. I think that's the most logical way to go about it.

[Rosa Partizan]

so today I met him in the tram and when he saw me, he was all smiles, and I'm def not imagining that. We hugged briefly and I was kinda nervous to meet him so unexpectedly and talked some incoherent nonsense, but he was still super nice and super funny. When we got off the tram, I was just like, see you tomorrow at work, and we were both about to turn around and go seperate ways, but then he turned again and hugged me. Def a sign that he wants me to be his children's mother. Well okay, this last one may be a bit imagined, but this encounter totally made my day. Goddamn I'm kinda pathetic to freak out over some guy in a relationship.

[BIXX]

Honestly rosa I get it. Having been all over the place in this type of situation (meaning I've been in your position, his, and hers) all I can say it do what makes you happy, but keep in mind what will keep you happy in the long term.

[Rosa Partizan]

you don't say tram in AE, right? What's the proper word? Usually, I speak and write AE, but I really don't know that one.

[BIXX]

you don't say tram in AE, right? What's the proper word? Usually, I speak and write AE, but I really don't know that one.


Tram here seems to mean little train. Train is kinda a blanket word for that kinda thing though I think (unless I'm a total idiot).

[synthesis]

Streetcar? Usually that or light rail. More often it's the local name for either - the BART, the Max, the L, and so on. There's also the trolley, but I doubt that's what you mean.

[BIXX]

In portland we say MAX or train (at least in my circles) but I have heard light rail as well.

[The Garbage Disposal Unit]

SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON'T WANT MY ADVICE. In your particular situation, I think a certain degree of frankness is warranted. Just tell buddy, "Oh, hey, I'm crushing," and you can work it out from there. Though, that said, if he is in a monogamous relationship, there's probably a lot of complicated details that are worth talking about before rushing into a thing. And, really, if he's the sort of guy who would be dishonest with / cheat on a monogs partner, is he really that great?


you really try to be friends? Isn't this hurting you just more? I mean, be around that person and be kind of too close, but at the same time not close enough?

*Shrug* I don't usually judge "closeness" by whether or not I'm banging someone (one way or the other).

For real though, if somebody's sexual monogamy with someone else makes it hard to be close to them, either their relationship is fucked up, or the definition of "closeness" warrants re-evaluation. Or, like, realistically, relationships in the context of hegemonic heteropatriarchal monogamy are fucked up, as are contingent definitions of closeness. Whatever. Fuck it.


you don't say tram in AE, right? What's the proper word? Usually, I speak and write AE, but I really don't know that one.

Just say "the metro" and people will assume you're Canadian.

[human strike]

I'd be lying if I said that in a situation like yours I back off completely. If someone I like is making advances at me, their being in a relationship would make me wary, but I'd still be interested but I would want some kind of explanation or reassurance first. That's pretty much what happened with my last girlfriend actually. Her making advances was confusing because she was in a relationship but eventually she explained she was going to end that relationship so I was ok with that especially since she did end it very quickly after we first got together. I don't know if that was the right thing to do - I don't think there is a right or wrong with this stuff to be honest - but you asked what I do so they're you go. Hope you figure it out.

In retrospect maybe I should have taken this as a sign that she was to be avoided. (Lol?)

[synthesis]

In portland we say MAX or train (at least in my circles) but I have heard light rail as well.

Yeah, everyone calls it the MAX, it's just that that wouldn't really apply as a translation unless someone was specifically visiting Portland.

Basically, if it's attached to cables, it's a streetcar, and if not, it's light rail.

[Il Medico]

I usually lose interest pretty fast if someone is unavailable (my current situation excluded).