How does one make friends?

[BIXX]

Title says it all. I'm having a hard time making friends, and I wanna know what I'm supposed to do to make people like me.

[jake williams]

Do you feel like you have a harder time meeting people, or relating to people you meet, or getting closer to people you relate to?

[Futility Personified]

Well, the golden rule that you should always bear in mind is be yourself. It should go without saying, but from experience taking on a false persona to ingratiate yourself with others is emotionally tiring and prevents personal growth.

What sort of interests do you have, and where are these reflected in where you live? Iirc from some of your posts, you're still at school? Are there any people who've got some sort of subcultural vibe going that might reflect your tastes? Music is an excellent bonding tool, but if you aren't into that then as long as they all seem ok then that's the main thing. Most of my friends were metal heads, though a few liked punk.

Sports are also a good one too. One of my favourite parts of school was playing football (english styleee) at lunchtime. Just wander over to people playing your appropriate sport, pluck up the courage during a lull and ask if you can join in. Pay attention to what they're talking about in between games and make references to it to gain a better understanding of them.

Last thing from experience I can recommend is going to shows/gigs, the same thing as subcultures really, but if you can find a local venue with some young people then break the ice and try and make yourself a repeat patron.

Hope some of this helps!

[Loony Le Fist]

Title says it all. I'm having a hard time making friends, and I wanna know what I'm supposed to do to make people like me.

Well I'm cool with you, brah. So you're doing something right. :)

I say just keep doing you, and you'll be good. Thing is, you can't try to make friends. All you can do is interact with people and be you.

It's not a matter of getting people to like you. People that don't like you for you aren't really worth having in your life.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Alcohol helps, really.

Source: fuck-tons of "bar friends", that I primarily interact with through drinking. Small group of close friends.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

You need to put yourself in a position to meet people - at work, at a sports/social club, going out with your existing friends to places where you're likely to speak to someone (a pub/bar as opposed to a club for example).

Then just relax and be yourself. Thing i've learned from my journey away from social awkwardness is that you don't need to be embarassed about who you are, chances are if you open up and just relax and show off your personality, a lot of people will find you great/funny/entertaining/attractive etc. It's when you close up out of fear that you lose out on potential friends, or even just having a good time.

My motto these days is (or I try to make it be) that i'm gonna be myself and enjoy myself, if other people like me great, if not then I don't really care. Tend to pick up and lose some friends along the way, and there's always a constant of a handful of really close friends and family which I find is important.

So yeah, just relax, and have the mindset that you're great (because you probably are), and you don't need to 'make friends' - be yourself and people will want to be your friend.

[Loony Le Fist]

...
My motto these days is (or I try to make it be) that i'm gonna be myself and enjoy myself, if other people like me great, if not then I don't really care. Tend to pick up and lose some friends along the way, and there's always a constant of a handful of really close friends and family which I find is important.

So yeah, just relax, and have the mindset that you're great (because you probably are), and you don't need to 'make friends' - be yourself and people will want to be your friend.

That's the key. You just do you, interact with people naturally, and let friends come to you. And if no one wants to be your friend, then I suggest changing the people you interact with around.

[ArisVelouxiotis]

I know that "be yourself" sounds cliche but it is the main key here.

[Quail]

I don't know really how to make friends. The only people I hang out with are people I met either through politics, Judo/Jitsu or having kids. The good thing about the common interest is that, at least for me, I feel less anxious about talking to them because I know if I have nothing to say I can just talk about politics, martial arts or the joys/frustrations of parenthood respectively. :lol:

[rylasasin]

I don't even try, honestly. Too much effort for way too little gain, plus I find with one single exception I usually drive them away when I talk politics or religion or whatnot so I find I often have to stay awkwardly silent about my stances on things...

... na. Better to have 1 or 2 friends than to try and surround yourself with them.

[Rosa Partizan]

Sorry to chime in with something slightly different than "be yourself". Being myself - totally introverted, quiet and insecure - didn't help at all. At some point, when I started college and moved to a totally foreign city, I decided to stop being myself and be outgoing, spontaneous and so on. It didn't happen over night, but on every occasion, I tried to start conversations with people, stopped hesitating to tell jokes, just pushed myself to become the person I wanted to be. It wasn't easy at all, it was a long process, but this is the only thing that worked out for me.

[jake williams]

I don't know really how to make friends. The only people I hang out with are people I met either through politics, Judo/Jitsu or having kids. The good thing about the common interest is that, at least for me, I feel less anxious about talking to them because I know if I have nothing to say I can just talk about politics, martial arts or the joys/frustrations of parenthood respectively. :lol:
That's how you make friends - you just meet people that you have something in common with out in the world.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

Sorry to chime in with something slightly different than "be yourself". Being myself - totally introverted, quiet and insecure - didn't help at all. At some point, when I started college and moved to a totally foreign city, I decided to stop being myself and be outgoing, spontaneous and so on. It didn't happen over night, but on every occasion, I tried to start conversations with people, stopped hesitating to tell jokes, just pushed myself to become the person I wanted to be. It wasn't easy at all, it was a long process, but this is the only thing that worked out for me.

I think this is probably a good point actually, and I was thinking about this after I made my initial post. 'Be yourself' is quite odd advice because, unless you are the most routine-bound, rigid person in the world, 'yourself' is a pretty fluid notion.

I'm sure we've all changed. I've been through many phases myself, all across the spectrum of outgoing/shy, normal/awkward etc.

Perhaps the advice should be, 'be the person you want to be'. Now, I guess this isn't an overnight process. In fact, i'd say it's ongoing. I don't think we ever achieve quite who we want to be, because as I said earlier, the notion of 'yourself' changes all the time. I often have new ideas on personal style, interests, new hobbies etc. Sometimes somebody will make a remark about me that may make me want to change something about myself (a work routine, for example). Sometimes I may just decide I want a change (I just shaved a load of my curly locks off).

I don't want to generalise this to everyone because I don't know how everyone else feels inside, but I would be surprised if my experiences didn't at least partially chime with the experiences of others.

So I would say yes, be yourself is still good advice, but 'yourself' doesn't have to be a rigid, solid, un-yielding idea. You can be whoever the fuck you want to be, and realising that is actually the most liberating thing in the world.

Throw yourself into un-normal situations - conquer a fear, talk to a stranger, start a new hobby, go to a new social club where you know nobody, chat up a random person for the first time, crack some new jokes.

As I said, I think finding out who you are, who you want to be, and the process of getting there and feeling good about yourself is a long road, and it goes forwards and back. But for me it starts in the mind. The most important thing isn't what you look like, or what others perceive you to be. The most important thing is to make yourself feel good. So get into routines that make you feel good. If i'm feeling really down (let's say i've had the class from hell last thing on a Friday), i'll sit down with a glass of something and sulk my evening away, then get up early on Saturday and have a good shave, soak in the shower, wash my hair, put good clothes on, take my dog out and get some exercise. Makes me feel great, and puts me in a good mindset to achieve other things that day and the following week.

I suggest you start here -find a way make yourself feel good. Everything else will follow.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

^^Doing shit loads of coke =/= making yourself feel good.

[Loony Le Fist]

Sorry to chime in with something slightly different than "be yourself". Being myself - totally introverted, quiet and insecure - didn't help at all. At some point, when I started college and moved to a totally foreign city, I decided to stop being myself and be outgoing, spontaneous and so on. It didn't happen over night, but on every occasion, I tried to start conversations with people, stopped hesitating to tell jokes, just pushed myself to become the person I wanted to be. It wasn't easy at all, it was a long process, but this is the only thing that worked out for me.

Yes that's such a great point that I think people miss with the "be yourself" thing. But it wasn't like you changed who you were, you just started expressing who you were to others. I'm glad you clarified that. You have to actually interact with others to make friends in the first place. :D

[Rosa Partizan]

Yes that's such a great point that I think people miss with the "be yourself" thing. But it wasn't like you changed who you were, you just started expressing who you were to others. I'm glad you clarified that. You have to actually interact with others to make friends in the first place. :D

and that's the hardest part, you know. You risk all this rejection and exclusion. But the good thing about it is - once you get positive reactions, it's so easy to keep going. One day I noticed that I didn't have to push myself anymore to be outgoing, I just WAS. I became the person I was struggling to become and now I get to know so quickly to people at parties, at concerts and so on. Most people react very positively to outgoing folks because they don't expect such candor. At least that's how it goes in Western Europe.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

I don't know. I think I got friends by osmosis or something.

[BIXX]

Do you feel like you have a harder time meeting people, or relating to people you meet, or getting closer to people you relate to?


I think the last one, mainly. But the biggest problem is that I feel like talking to people weirds them out, you know?

[Comrade Jacob]

I really don't know if asking RevLefters will help you on your honorable quest of face-to-face interaction with the species.

[BIXX]

I really don't know if asking RevLefters will help you on your honorable quest of face-to-face interaction with the species.


Hahaha good point :P

[Rosa Partizan]

I really don't know if asking RevLefters will help you on your honorable quest of face-to-face interaction with the species.

asking me will solve ANYTHING!

[cyu]

asking me will solve ANYTHING!


What is the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything?

...anyway, I think there are 2 important things - that may actually be different aspects of the same thing:

1. People want to feel superior, not inferior. This means don't put them down, don't insult them - not even in a joking way if you can help it. Say good things about them, honest flattery if possible, joking flattery if necessary. If you can help it, try not to make them feel superior at the expense of someone else. Instead of "Wow, you draw so much better than Steve" say "Wow, that drawing is really awesome".

2. Try to think of ways in which you can transform the competitive aspects of your interactions into cooperative relations instead. Like if you're going bowling or to a pool hall, somebody is definitely going to win - this can work against #1 above and make someone feel inferior. So stop playing so seriously - you don't need to win, and you don't need to feel bad if you were focusing on the social aspects of playing, rather than the technical aspects of the game. If you can help your friends improve their game, do it (but try not to do it in a I'm-only-helping-because-I'm-superior way). If you can be a http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wingman do it.

Not everyone is worthy of being your friend though. If they're the type that regularly puts you down, ditch them for those that are more worthy.