Pour Your Heart Out XXI

[Sentinel]

Continued from here (http://www.revleft.com/vb/pour-your-heart-t185186/index32.html).

[Sinister Intents]

First!!! Or second...

[consuming negativity]

Well then, let's get started...

I just wish I knew you were okay.

[Sinister Intents]

Well then, let's get started...

I just wish I knew you were okay.

Me? I'm doing quite better

[Crabbensmasher]

Thanks for all the support on the previous thread, guys. The more I think about, the more I realize confidence is a huge problem for everyone. I don't have the energy to go into it now, but it pretty much defines us, sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse.

3:30 in the morning, just got back. Probably the only sober person in this damn city. I gotta stop pouring all my feelings into girls, man. I need something new to whine about. The problem is, I think about it too much. I kind of, purposely do it though. Is it possible to be addicted to sadness? I think I am. In the scheme of things though, my problems are tiny; minescule - I'll get over them, but still, I obsess over them.

I think I just like playing victim. I love getting to the point where I put my hands up and say "I'm done, you can help me if you want. Notice me. Feel bad for me". Of course I'll try, but at a point, I just kind of make a spectacle over failing and remaining utterly helpless. It's like when you slip on ice and you fall - you don't feel embarrassed that you fell. You kind of sit on the ground for a few seconds, hoping people saw you, felt sorry for you, because hey, people fall, it's normal. you're normal. It's pretty fucked up, I know.

So yeah, in my day to day life, I think I'm trying to give away signs of feeling like shit, but at the same time never coming out and saying it. I've actually had a couple friends recently who've gone through some tough shit, and we've kind of comforted them. For me to do the same thing now would just be too much, I don't want to submit those guys to the same old shit again. Besides, I don't even like talking about my feelings a lot (Is that possible, or is that just repression?).

So, I like playing victim, but I won't pour my heart out to anyone (except you guys I guess). What does that make me? Some sort of fucking actor I suppose. Maybe it's all for the show. Some screwed up opera in my head, me being the lonesome protagonist, something depressingly poetic.

There's a war inside my head, and it's ALL just fabricated by me. I'm the sole reason for all my anxiety. Can't I just turn off a switch and go back to normal? I've never had this problem before. I'm going to try really hard

[human strike]

Thanks for all the support on the previous thread, guys. The more I think about, the more I realize confidence is a huge problem for everyone. I don't have the energy to go into it now, but it pretty much defines us, sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse.

3:30 in the morning, just got back. Probably the only sober person in this damn city. I gotta stop pouring all my feelings into girls, man. I need something new to whine about. The problem is, I think about it too much. I kind of, purposely do it though. Is it possible to be addicted to sadness? I think I am. In the scheme of things though, my problems are tiny; minescule - I'll get over them, but still, I obsess over them.

I think I just like playing victim. I love getting to the point where I put my hands up and say "I'm done, you can help me if you want. Notice me. Feel bad for me". Of course I'll try, but at a point, I just kind of make a spectacle over failing and remaining utterly helpless. It's like when you slip on ice and you fall - you don't feel embarrassed that you fell. You kind of sit on the ground for a few seconds, hoping people saw you, felt sorry for you, because hey, people fall, it's normal. you're normal. It's pretty fucked up, I know.

So yeah, in my day to day life, I think I'm trying to give away signs of feeling like shit, but at the same time never coming out and saying it. I've actually had a couple friends recently who've gone through some tough shit, and we've kind of comforted them. For me to do the same thing now would just be too much, I don't want to submit those guys to the same old shit again. Besides, I don't even like talking about my feelings a lot (Is that possible, or is that just repression?).

So, I like playing victim, but I won't pour my heart out to anyone (except you guys I guess). What does that make me? Some sort of fucking actor I suppose. Maybe it's all for the show. Some screwed up opera in my head, me being the lonesome protagonist, something depressingly poetic.

There's a war inside my head, and it's ALL just fabricated by me. I'm the sole reason for all my anxiety. Can't I just turn off a switch and go back to normal? I've never had this problem before. I'm going to try really hard

As long as you pretend that your feelings aren't important and beat yourself up for feeling them, you won't stop feeling this way. Follow through with this shit, don't suppress it, that doesn't work. The reasons why you feel a certain way aren't as important as the feelings themselves. So what if you're the "sole reason" for your anxiety? Does criticising yourself that way stop your anxiety or improve your self-esteem? From experience I know how hard it can be to view oneself in a positive light. When I first started to try to be kind to myself I couldn't even think in terms that weren't critical or self-deprecating (see how self-critical that statement was? I'm still not very good at this! lol there's another one), but it's something one can learn how to do and it's really important that one does learn it. From reading your post it doesn't sound like you enjoy feeling sad or playing the victim at all, it sounds like you try very hard to suppress it. You're allowed to feel down and I think maybe accepting that might help you to start feeling better. No matter what your problems and emotions are they are as important as they feel. You can't just switch feelings off, you have to work through them. :)

[Ele'ill]

Part of my quit-smoking-again initiative was buying a pack of pyramid reds. If you want to know roughly what the Chernobyl disaster tasted like just buy a pack of pyramid reds. I am going to throw the rest of the pack out and quit.

[Sinister Intents]

I should tear all of my flesh off. I deserve it.

[Rosa Partizan]

I am kinda annoyed by folks not taking me and my feminist agenda seriously. Yesterday, my boss was like "you're a feminist? No way. You don't need to be one, you're fairly attractive". Well yeah, so I can drop this feminist bullshit and marry a rich, shallow guy instead, huh. Because brains doesn't matter anyway. I'm rather often confronted by prejudiced people having a certain image of feminists and finding themselves confused because I don't fulfill their expectations. But I experienced this with other feminists sometimes, too. They were like, stop putting make up on, stop shaving, stop wearing cleavage, cut your hair, you're doing patriarchy a favor. But wouldn't that be letting your life determine completely by patriarchy, even if you always do the opposite? I mean, I'm not stupid, I know that I'm socialized in a patriarchal society and that there's a chance I wouldn't do some things if I hadn't grown up in such a society. There's def some behavior and some expectations of men that I find problematic myself, but at least I'm aware of that. I'm just not into changing it all as long as I feel comfortable with it.

[Goblin]

Started cutting again a few weeks ago and my mom found out. This really sucks. Theres this extremely awkward tension between us now, which sucks because she's the only person i can talk too. She wants me to see a psychiatrist. I would love to talk to one, it's just that my social anxiety makes seeing one pretty much impossible.

I've actually been thinking about admitting myself to a mental hospital. My doctor actually brought this up some time ago. He said that if seeing a psychiatrist every week would be too hard for me because of my anxiety, he could arrange for me to stay at a mental hospital, where they have group therapy and stuff for people suffering from depression and anxiety. I've been in a psych-ward one time before. That was when i was 14, and it was against my will. I fucking hated it. I would even call the experience kinda traumatic. But now that i'm older (i'm 20 for those wondering), mental hospitals don't seem that bad. But we'll see. If i choose to go to the psych ward, it won't be for a while. At least 3 months, probably even more.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I've actually been thinking about admitting myself to a mental hospital. My doctor actually brought this up some time ago. He said that if seeing a psychiatrist every week would be too hard for me because of my anxiety, he could arrange for me to stay at a mental hospital, where they have group therapy and stuff for people suffering from depression and anxiety. I've been in a psych-ward one time before. That was when i was 14, and it was against my will. I fucking hated it. I would even call the experience kinda traumatic. But now that i'm older (i'm 20 for those wondering), mental hospitals don't seem that bad. But we'll see. If i choose to go to the psych ward, it won't be for a while. At least 3 months, probably even more.

I don't know much about psych wards, but for me personally, I hate hospitals and try to spend as little time as possible in them. Grim institutions, with the exception of prisons I can't think of many that are more grim.

[Quail]

I wish I could pour my heart out, but I shouldn't. I went to see a counsellor to talk about things, but she mostly told me to get in touch with the lgbt committee at uni and then talked at me about ocd. So it wasn't very useful at all. I think at some point either I will break down and do something stupid or be forced to face up to stuff and sort something out. Hopefully the latter.

Also this is kind of fucked up but I really miss having an eating disorder - specifically the sense of control that comes with refusing to eat. I guess that's because I feel kind of powerless in my life at the moment.

[Ele'ill]

been thinking about hrt (and a lot of other things) just wondering what would happen personally. on a scale of 1-10 the desire is 10, I think it would only benefit me

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

I just cut my ex out of my life. I went up to see her a month ago and we didn't really get on, mainly because she was rubbing her new relationship in my face.

She hadn't contacted me since aside from replying to a text I sent her. I called her tonight and she was polite but clearly not excited that I called (whereas up until a month or two ago she would be).

I just facebooked her and said I don't want to be friends, then deleted her. I feel very sad but also as if a weight has been lifted off of me (we have been broken up for over a year but it's been proper complicated).

I feel free. :)

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

feeling especially burdened with anxiety about my future - in the short term, I'm beginning to freak out about my dissertaton and i still haven't applied for a masters course - in the long term I have even less of an idea what I want to do.

in short, i have sensibly decided to drink heavily alone whilst listening to Tindersticks albums because i'm an adult

[Crabbensmasher]

As long as you pretend that your feelings aren't important and beat yourself up for feeling them, you won't stop feeling this way. Follow through with this shit, don't suppress it, that doesn't work. The reasons why you feel a certain way aren't as important as the feelings themselves. So what if you're the "sole reason" for your anxiety? Does criticising yourself that way stop your anxiety or improve your self-esteem? From experience I know how hard it can be to view oneself in a positive light. When I first started to try to be kind to myself I couldn't even think in terms that weren't critical or self-deprecating (see how self-critical that statement was? I'm still not very good at this! lol there's another one), but it's something one can learn how to do and it's really important that one does learn it. From reading your post it doesn't sound like you enjoy feeling sad or playing the victim at all, it sounds like you try very hard to suppress it. You're allowed to feel down and I think maybe accepting that might help you to start feeling better. No matter what your problems and emotions are they are as important as they feel. You can't just switch feelings off, you have to work through them. :)

This helped. Thanks man. I kind of sat myself down and told myself to relax. It's not my fault. Feels kind of weird comforting myself, but it gets the job done.

As you might have guessed, I come from a pretty stiff-upper-lipped family. Nobody talked about this stuff. I like to feel in control of my life, I really do. When shit like this happens, it's really not fun. This, and I don't want to show this in front of my friends. They've already dealt with enough of that crap.

I still feel like absolute shit, and everything seems really really meaningless right now. I'm really not looking forward to anything. I gave a homeless guy like 8 bucks in change today - just like, fuck it, why not. he'll get better use out of the money than me. Good news though, the anxiety is gone. I'm not beating myself up over this shit. Just letting it run its course. baby steps

[Sinister Intents]

Of course she wont' talk to me anymore. Everyone fucking loses interset in me. I fucking suck. If people were interested in talking to me they woudl, but no not really, few fgucking people talk to me.

[Art Vandelay]

I am an incredibly confused individual, especially relating to my sexual orientation. So basically who knows at this point, all I know is that I wish I didn't have to deal with this. Just another aspect of myself that is self indulgent and over played, yet it seems to be me and I can't do much about it. As dumb as it is (and trust me I know, from a logical standpoint, how silly it is) I'm really struggling to deal/come to terms with all this.

[Rosa Partizan]

ice pick, would you mind to go a bit into detail about that?

[Quail]

I am an incredibly confused individual, especially relating to my sexual orientation. So basically who knows at this point, all I know is that I wish I didn't have to deal with this. Just another aspect of myself that is self indulgent and over played, yet it seems to be me and I can't do much about it. As dumb as it is (and trust me I know, from a logical standpoint, how silly it is) I'm really struggling to deal/come to terms with all this.

Try to avoid trying to put yourself into a box. Sexual orientation can change and if I recall correctly you said you were bisexual? Well, I think it's totally normal for bisexual people to lean one way or the other, and then lean the other way, and so on, and it can be really fucking confusing. But I find it helpful to ignore labels and just let myself feel what I feel.

[Zukunftsmusik]

Started cutting again a few weeks ago and my mom found out. This really sucks. Theres this extremely awkward tension between us now, which sucks because she's the only person i can talk too. She wants me to see a psychiatrist. I would love to talk to one, it's just that my social anxiety makes seeing one pretty much impossible.

I've actually been thinking about admitting myself to a mental hospital. My doctor actually brought this up some time ago. He said that if seeing a psychiatrist every week would be too hard for me because of my anxiety, he could arrange for me to stay at a mental hospital, where they have group therapy and stuff for people suffering from depression and anxiety. I've been in a psych-ward one time before. That was when i was 14, and it was against my will. I fucking hated it. I would even call the experience kinda traumatic. But now that i'm older (i'm 20 for those wondering), mental hospitals don't seem that bad. But we'll see. If i choose to go to the psych ward, it won't be for a while. At least 3 months, probably even more.

I have absolutely no experience with either options, and I know it's easy to say this when I don't struggle with the things you do, but for what it's worth, my advise would be to visit a psychiatrist. But of course this is easier said than done if you struggle with serious anxiety. Still, it sounds better than a psych ward, especially if your own experience with such institutions is traumatic...

I'm well aware this advice really counts for naught. Hope you'll be better eventually, regardless of how this turns out.

[Rosa Partizan]

I kind of have almost something like a guilty conscience posting in this thread, with my tiny problems, compared to all this stuff plenty of users are going through. My biggest problem is procrastination (but that one is really hardcore) and my temper and that I'm kind of a bit neurotic, but otherwise, I'm pretty comfortable with myself.

[Art Vandelay]

Try to avoid trying to put yourself into a box. Sexual orientation can change and if I recall correctly you said you were bisexual? Well, I think it's totally normal for bisexual people to lean one way or the other, and then lean the other way, and so on, and it can be really fucking confusing. But I find it helpful to ignore labels and just let myself feel what I feel.

Thanks quail. Its all kind of ridiculous, especially given my views on the matter, which are that human sexuality is far too fluid to fit into any 'box.' Its just all weird and new to me. I conceived of myself in a certain fashion for 20 years and then all of a sudden this realization dawned upon me and it kinda slashed away at the person I defined myself as until I wasn't left with much. As I said, just wish I could get over it, cause its all so unimportant and silly, yet its something that is really affecting me as of late.

e: the worst part is, that I know me being so uncomfortable and ashamed of who I am, is symptomatic of some really fucked up and reactionary shit that I've internalized, which leads me to beating myself up over that, instead of actually taking active steps in overcoming and moving past all this nonsense. That definitely needs to change, although I don't know if I can or ever will be open and honest about who I am :unsure:

[human strike]

This helped. Thanks man. I kind of sat myself down and told myself to relax. It's not my fault. Feels kind of weird comforting myself, but it gets the job done.

As you might have guessed, I come from a pretty stiff-upper-lipped family. Nobody talked about this stuff. I like to feel in control of my life, I really do. When shit like this happens, it's really not fun. This, and I don't want to show this in front of my friends. They've already dealt with enough of that crap.

I still feel like absolute shit, and everything seems really really meaningless right now. I'm really not looking forward to anything. I gave a homeless guy like 8 bucks in change today - just like, fuck it, why not. he'll get better use out of the money than me. Good news though, the anxiety is gone. I'm not beating myself up over this shit. Just letting it run its course. baby steps

I'm glad it helped and you're feeling a bit better. :) I know what you mean about it feeling weird, but it feels really good too though, no? I would think about not being too cautious about looking to your friends for support. Your friends probably want to help you, that's why they're your friends. Sharing really helps in dealing with anything and I expect your friends can take more than you give them credit for. They won't judge you for feeling down, they'll empathise (unless they're dickheads but in which case get better friends, right?).


I wish I could pour my heart out, but I shouldn't. I went to see a counsellor to talk about things, but she mostly told me to get in touch with the lgbt committee at uni and then talked at me about ocd. So it wasn't very useful at all. I think at some point either I will break down and do something stupid or be forced to face up to stuff and sort something out. Hopefully the latter.

Also this is kind of fucked up but I really miss having an eating disorder - specifically the sense of control that comes with refusing to eat. I guess that's because I feel kind of powerless in my life at the moment.

I'm definitely not a counsellor but you can always PM me if you like.


I kind of have almost something like a guilty conscience posting in this thread, with my tiny problems, compared to all this stuff plenty of users are going through. My biggest problem is procrastination (but that one is really hardcore) and my temper and that I'm kind of a bit neurotic, but otherwise, I'm pretty comfortable with myself.

I find it reassuring to see that there are people in the world who are comfortable. :) I often feel like everyone I know is unhappy and unwell...

[Rosa Partizan]

I have kind of a little story about that...several years ago, when I started going to the university (yeah, it's been a while, let's not talk about it :lol:), there was this woman I met in a translation course. She was "different" and we met up for coffee. I've had a break up some time ago and was kind of, well, susceptible. She told me that she lives polyamorous and that she has a boyfriend and a girlfriend and I was kind of fascinated. I was about 20 or 21 and had never heard about such stuff. And then she started flirting with me, that she likes my lips, and eyes, and all of a sudden, I had kind of a "several minutes crush". You know, this warm feeling in your stomach. Up to this point, I had never questioned my sexuality, and now, it all crushed down on me. We became friends and it's all fine between me and her.

Some people may now be like "what the fuck are you talking about, you dumbass?" But it's all about that I think that sexuality is not a static orientation. That there is the possibility of humans entering our lives and confusing everything. After that, I've never had this feeling again for a woman, but I will not eliminate the chance that it might be happening again and stay longer. So don't you worry about it, everything is fine with you and it depends more on who you meet than about the gender.

[human strike]

Thanks quail. Its all kind of ridiculous, especially given my views on the matter, which are that human sexuality is far too fluid to fit into any 'box.' Its just all weird and new to me. I conceived of myself in a certain fashion for 20 years and then all of a sudden this realization dawned upon me and it kinda slashed away at the way I defined myself until I wasn't left with much. As I said, just wish I could get over it, cause its all so unimportant and silly, yet its something that is really affecting me as of late.

If it were "unimportant and silly" it wouldn't be bothering you. You are not unimportant and how you feel about things is not silly. How you view and understand yourself, how you define yourself is really important, it affects how you relate to the rest of the world. That doesn't mean you have to label yourself - god knows how much I resist doing this to myself - but it's important to be comfortable in your sense of self, no? If I were feeling how you feel (and tbh I often am), I would be looking to find a way of getting angry at something - always helps me with this kind of stuff.

[BIXX]

I've been feeling really shitty about this for a long time, so I think it's time to talk about it.

Actually I can't fucking tell anyone about this. It's my bullshit to deal with, and I don't think I can't deal with imagining the way people will feel about me. But I think I'm gonna kill myself to fix all the problems my life has caused. I don't know when, but it seriously seems like the only option.

Or maybe I'll just go somewhere where no one knows my name and never talk to anyone again. I just need to not be involved with other peoples' lives.

[Sinister Intents]

I've been feeling really shitty about this for a long time, so I think it's time to talk about it.

Actually I can't fucking tell anyone about this. It's my bullshit to deal with, and I don't think I can't deal with imagining the way people will feel about me. But I think I'm gonna kill myself to fix all the problems my life has caused. I don't know when, but it seriously seems like the only option.

Or maybe I'll just go somewhere where no one knows my name and never talk to anyone again. I just need to not be involved with other peoples' lives.

Comrade, I understand fully how you feel, I have a really shitty thing that plagues me (having to do with consent...) I've shared it with a few other people like Whatever Singularity and Quail, and both of them have helped out extremely, the others as well. I fully recommend what's plaguing you, I did and it helped me out a lot. Also suicide is not the answer, and I know this as well because I've considered killing myself many times, and I've come very close a few times. Suicide isn't the answer ever, we also need you on the revolutionary left, your life does matter.

[Ele'ill]

I've been feeling really shitty about this for a long time, so I think it's time to talk about it.

Actually I can't fucking tell anyone about this. It's my bullshit to deal with, and I don't think I can't deal with imagining the way people will feel about me. But I think I'm gonna kill myself to fix all the problems my life has caused. I don't know when, but it seriously seems like the only option.

Or maybe I'll just go somewhere where no one knows my name and never talk to anyone again. I just need to not be involved with other peoples' lives.

Maybe you already do this and it isn't the solution but I've always had a place to go that is quiet and away from people to walk and sit and think. I haven't actually found a place in the area like this and I'm not really down with the natural atmosphere of the PNW. On the east coast where I was last there was a huge lake that had trails all around it, big open paved trails, a lot of people would use it in the warmer months but in the fall and winter it would just be dedicated runners. I used to sit in the sleet in cornfields over looking this lake and just be by myself for hours and it helped.

[BIXX]

Thank you guys, it does mean a lot to have people in my corner.

@Mari3L: I used to do that but my parents and friends started getting really weird about me going off and doing shit alone. I hate explaining myself.

[consuming negativity]

I've been feeling really shitty about this for a long time, so I think it's time to talk about it.

Actually I can't fucking tell anyone about this. It's my bullshit to deal with, and I don't think I can't deal with imagining the way people will feel about me. But I think I'm gonna kill myself to fix all the problems my life has caused. I don't know when, but it seriously seems like the only option.

Or maybe I'll just go somewhere where no one knows my name and never talk to anyone again. I just need to not be involved with other peoples' lives.

I felt like this just a couple days ago. I was ready to check myself into the hospital to preserve my life so I could see if things would get better like they eventually always did. If there's a problem in your life, you've gotta remove it. I don't know what yours involves, but mine also always involve people. Either they've hurt me, or I've hurt them, or something else. The best thing you can do to avoid problems is to learn assertiveness (not aggressiveness or passivity) and to give yourself time to think and make deliberate, rational actions. Even if those actions, or words, or whatever, end up radically altering your life.

[Zukunftsmusik]

Feeling detached from people/the world. I have no life, I don't do anything but read depressing misanthropic books which probably doesn't help much

Have a feeling this is becoming more serious. Postpone school work, spend whole days in front of the computer, and now lately I'm having trouble sleeping so I also spend whole nights in front of the computer, which again effects school work etc.

[Derendscools]

Ich liebe dich!

[Derendscools]

Alle!

[cyu]

Postpone school work, spend whole days in front of the computer


Old cliché, but
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kbJjy9M9gBk/TzgWKQ2suBI/AAAAAAAAAdU/6urCyqS1GCg/s1600/Quotes+and+Pieces+of+Advice+-+003.jpg

Most institutional "education" involves a fair bit of indoctrination - the system has to train you to prop up the system - otherwise the system wouldn't exist. It is part of the system's self-preservation mechanism. If it wasn't intentional, it would have to evolve anyway, or else the system will be replaced by one that did have this mechanism.

So what does a capitalist education give us? We become useful tools for building up capitalism, we become useful tools for propping up and protecting capitalism. If it weren't a capitalist system, in a steady state, their institutional education would train you to prop up the alternative system as well.

[Quail]

Went to a couple of gay bars tonight, had a fun time. Drank a little too much, but it's nice to escape from the narrative in my mind where I'm horribly selfish and I should ignore my feelings and be a good girlfriend, etc. Honestly, the way I live my life is at such odds with my ideals, you'd probably all think I was a massive hypocrite. Never again will I allow myself to become financially dependent on someone though. Also, fuck it I really want to hurt myself, maybe even kill myself, over this stuff. Luckily I a too worried about letting people down for the judo competition this weekend. It's literally the only thing stopping me from doing something stupid. Sorry for the incoherent rant. In positive news, I just saw one of the adorable vermin run across the living room. Stupid cute mice. I feel bad about encouraging them to leave.

[Sinister Intents]

I had a pretty wierd dream last night. It started out that I was on this date with this dark haired women I just met. I don't remember her name, but the date went pretty well, we ate at this restaurant I didn't recognize. We drive back to my home, and my parents aren't there so we immediately went to my room. We started making out like crazy, and undressing each other. I don't really need to go into detail about the sex. At the end the next day we woke up and the world is slowly changing into a very old wooden ship out at sea. She begins to just reject being with me and avoids all eye contact and leaves to some unknown section of the ship, or just out right disappeared. At this point I'm feeling very depressed about things that just happened, and I decide I'm hungry and explore the ship for food. I found a dead frozen dolphin and a bunch of dead frozen fish, but they were to the point where they were inedible, so I threw them off of the ship. The dolphin had some significance though where it was like the captain or some shit? I don't fully remember that part, but the dolphin actually played a bigger role. As I'm giving up looking for food I just lean up against the wooden wall of a room of the ship. I was just staring out at sea and wondering why everything is frozen and dead, there was ice everywhere, and dead fish all over. Then this kid appears, he had a very pail face, and blue swollen lips. He just looked like a corpse really. He kept replaying this scene where a huge unavoidable wave just appears, as a thick wall. He said to me: "You're not going to be able to avoid this." Then he disappeared and slowly a wave started to appear, crashing once, but then rising again. It kept going higher and higher and kept approaching the ship, I looked out at sea and realized that I will not be able to avoid this. The wave grew to an immense height and crashed over the ship destroying it. I got sucked deep under the water and couldn't see anything at all.

[Quail]

I'm seriously going to quit drinking (to excess and every night) soon. I can't fucking stand hangovers. The anxiety, the overwhelming, crushing depression... ugh. My strategy for dealing with problems at the moment is "get too smashed to give a fuck" which uh... doesn't really work. I feel a bit pathetic at the moment because I know loads of people are in much worse situations than I am, but I feel so trapped and I wish I had the strength and assertiveness to deal with it. Also money, but whatever.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Damn...reading back all your posts really lets me feel my problems are futile.

I know noones problems ever are unimortant, but...well you know.

Today second appointment at the psych. I wonder what will be discussed today.
I feel kinda anxious about it. Not just because imma have to share every fuckup i ever did (i can fill books), but also because i am intrigued by my psychiatrist. She's nice, looks good and her eyes... There's just something about her.
I can't fall in love with her. It's not fair to my wife, my psych and me.
It's a long time i've had such feelings (used to "fall in love" with almost every girl that spoke to me or something).
Shit, i even googled her.

I just can't. I need to focus on the "me". And focussing is one of the problems i came there in the first place.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Wasn't really planning on telling you this because I like to pretend I'm doing ok, but I was just recently diagnosed with PTSD and since that point I was going steadily downhill with my mental health. I was having suicidal thoughts every day snd my friends were weary of trying to talk me through them I ended up going to a psychiatricurgent care facility, from where they sent me to a halfway house sort of thing whereI'm currently residing. After I'm out of this program I hope to move on to a 90 day one. I just need to deal with this trauma and the shelter was like the worst place in the world to do that. I just wish i had wifi and more support frommy friends eho live nearby. I don't know if they realize how much it wouldmean to me just to have one of them visit.

[Quail]

Wasn't really planning on telling you this because I like to pretend I'm doing ok, but I was just recently diagnosed with PTSD and since that point I was going steadily downhill with my mental health. I was having suicidal thoughts every day snd my friends were weary of trying to talk me through them I ended up going to a psychiatricurgent care facility, from where they sent me to a halfway house sort of thing whereI'm currently residing. After I'm out of this program I hope to move on to a 90 day one. I just need to deal with this trauma and the shelter was like the worst place in the world to do that. I just wish i had wifi and more support frommy friends eho live nearby. I don't know if they realize how much it wouldmean to me just to have one of them visit.

Can you receive letters? Would receiving letters from friends help?

[Landsharks eat metal]

Can you receive letters? Would receiving letters from friends help?

I think I can but I'm not going to be at this address too much longer, maybe a week. not sure. Would help though, as I 'm currently feeling alone in the world

[Comrade Jacob]

A certain someone likes to make accounts to talk to me. Can you guess who? (No prizes)

[Quail]

If you want to PM me an address I would write. I was just thinking it's nice getting stuff like letters and it's a way that people who don't live close by can keep in touch.

[synthesis]

Probably shouldn't have tried to taper down off Subutex, Prozac and Klonopin all at the same time.


My biggest problem is procrastination (but that one is really hardcore)

"Procrastination is the soul rebelling against entrapment." - Nicholas Nassem Taleb

[cyu]

I just need to deal with this trauma and the shelter was like the worst place in the world to do that.


I can imagine - it shouldn't be true, and it's sad that it is, but it's always good to be out of places of potential extra trauma. Yeah, we may not be able to reach you as easily in your new place, but it's good to know you're in a safe(r?) place. Whether you can come here as much or not, I hope you remember we're all hoping for all the best for ya - well, at least I am =D

[Art Vandelay]

My mom seems to be worried about me again, just had one of those 'how have you been doing? is everything okay?' type conversations. I'm not sure if she's been talking to my ex, who filled her in on some stuff, or if she just noticed a change in my demeanor. It looks like I'll probably be going back to therapy soon. Not sure how I feel about all of this, but if I'm honest with myself, I know I need it and should be grateful for the opportunity. I guess maybe there is only so much you can do on your own and I've been feeling so lonely lately, and like I have no one to talk to about certain things, so maybe it'll go better than it did last time. I'm considering meds again, but after the effects they had on me last time, I just don't know if I trust them.

[Zukunftsmusik]

"Procrastination is the soul rebelling against entrapment." - Nicholas Nassem Taleb

I think this is very true, at least for me.

[Ele'ill]

got healthcare coverage

[synthesis]

got healthcare coverage

Nice, Moda or Pacific Source?

[Ele'ill]

Ohp

[BIXX]

When people start acting like they like me it freaks me out. Like, four different people who never used to even look at me are now being really nice to me all the time. One of them spent all class talking to me and BSing about random shit and it was really nice, she made me laugh a lot. And yesterday I hung out with some guy for a while and it was fucking rad. But all of this scares me. Aaaaaaahhhhhhh.

I smoked with a girl from my English class a while back after we finished up a project and ever since then she's also been really nice to me. I feel like it's a trap but I have no reason to. Aaaahhhhh.

[cyu]

I feel like it's a trap but I have no reason to.


They just want you for your body. They don't really love you like we do :grin:

[BIXX]

They just want you for your body. They don't really love you like we do :grin:


Hahahaha you cheeky fucker.

But I wouldn't mind if she just wanted me for my body. That would be a huge self-confidence booster.

Honestly I really do like you guys a lot though.

[Rosa Partizan]

got healthcare coverage

for someone from Germany, this is kind of an odd post, but I know that having healthcare is no matter of course in many countries.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Well, i went in for further exams yesterday at the psych.
No feelings at all. Gone.
For the best, i guess. But the "in love" feeling was somewhat nice for a change.

On a further note: we were struggling through a pile of questionaires and we managed to finish 5 sides (out of about 20-25)...
Already got two more appointments, but she's going on a holiday first, so it's a month ahead. Damnit...

I don't know how long my life can take this shit any more. My contract ends in september and my wife and i keep fighting over the same things (me forgetting shit i promised to do), so i really need this to become better pretty soon. How long is this going to take?

God, i'm done...

[human strike]

I wish my counselling hadn't finished; that shit always made me feel amazing - for the few days after at least anyway - but I could always reset every week. Now I'm a bit stuck where I am. I'm super spaced out all the time and it's not really an accident. I don't eat properly, I'm badly dehydrated constantly cuz I just don't drink any water, I smoke lots every day and I spend hours at a time lying in bed staring at the walls. In the grand scheme of things I've made a lot of progress over the last two months, but right now I just feel lethargic; there's little to do and I'm not putting much effort into finding things to do (even though I've plenty of ideas). I think basically I'm lonely and missing closeness and intimacy with people and spacing out and becoming numb is a pretty easy way of just not feeling anything anymore. It doesn't really work very well though, I still periodically feel quite sad. I'm excited about this woman I've been exchanging messages with online, she seems really cool and we even have some mutual friends irl, but I can't help but feel pessimistic about it too and treat myself cynically for becoming excited. If I were to look after myself properly I know it would lessen my fear of being alone... Knowing that and doing something about it are two different things though.

[Zukunftsmusik]

I'm pretty sure I just had an anxiety attack (I'm not sure as I've never had one before, but I curled up in a ball unable to move, cried, then breathed uncontrollably and sweated like crazy. Lasted for several minutes). I don't want to go too much into detail about it, but I've fucked up pretty bad. Haven't been able to tell anyone because I will have to admit to someone close to me that I've lied to them and I just can't handle that right now.

[BIXX]

I'm pretty sure I just had an anxiety attack (I'm not sure as I've never had one before, but I curled up in a ball unable to move, cried, then breathed uncontrollably and sweated like crazy. Lasted for several minutes). I don't want to go too much into detail about it, but I've fucked up pretty bad. Haven't been able to tell anyone because I will have to admit to someone close to me that I've lied to them and I just can't handle that right now.


You know we are always here for you, I hope. I mean, I know it prolly doesn't feel like much to have some random kid on the web as support, but I know that a lot of folks here give really good advice/are good at making people feel better, so if you have someone to talk to there is always that.

[tallguy]

Thanks for all the support on the previous thread................................

.........................There's a war inside my head, and it's ALL just fabricated by me. I'm the sole reason for all my anxiety. Can't I just turn off a switch and go back to normal? I've never had this problem before. I'm going to try really hardThat's a very honest post. Good on you. In terms of being addicted to sadness; this may be defined as "learned helplessness" and it is reasonably well understood condition of mind and forms the basis for depression and other neurotic conditions. I can explain the psychological/behavioural mechanics of how it can come about. But it's late and I need some sleep. I'll post something up tomorrow when I am about. It may pertain to you or it may not.

[Ele'ill]

If you have to poop, please just get up and go poop. Don't sit there and fart really bad shit-farts over and over again.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

I'm in a tattoo chair right the fug now, what're you nerds doing?

[BIXX]

If you have to poop, please just get up and go poop. Don't sit there and fart really bad shit-farts over and over again.

:(
I'm so sorry. That sounds terrible.


I'm in a tattoo chair right the fug now, what're you nerds doing?

I'm gonna sit on my couch and give myself a tattoo! So there, nerd! (Actually I'm not, I have no idea of anything I want right now).

Anyway, I have been really unmotivated today. Also I started working on all my late schoolwork and it felt like I only got more behind. How is that even possible.

[Ele'ill]

Vox is getting a peta tattoo

[NewLeft]

hello friends, hope you're all well. bye!

[Os Cangaceiros]

I wish I could talk to my parents about stuff that's been going on in my life but we've never had that kind of relationship and it'll probably not happen now.

[human strike]

Why are people so fucking disappointing? I don't understand why it's so hard for some people to show basic loyalty towards people they're supposed to care about or even love. Is it really that hard to not be so fucking selfish? I find it very easy... Anger is actually a great emotion. I've spent my whole life afraid of it but recently - thanks to counselling - I've learned to embrace it and express it in a healthy way and I have to say it's fucking sweet. I actually feel in a better mood now having learned how a friend has pretty much betrayed me than I did before. Having said that, what a fucking prick. I shouldn't be surprised, I've known for quite a while what he's like and none of this is surprising, but I try to be forgiving and see the best in people, ya know. Why are people so shit?

[#FF0000]

Strongly dislike this warehouse.

[tallguy]

Why are people so fucking disappointing? I don't understand why it's so hard for some people to show basic loyalty towards people they're supposed to care about or even love. Is it really that hard to not be so fucking selfish? I find it very easy... Anger is actually a great emotion. I've spent my whole life afraid of it but recently - thanks to counselling - I've learned to embrace it and express it in a healthy way and I have to say it's fucking sweet. I actually feel in a better mood now having learned how a friend has pretty much betrayed me than I did before. Having said that, what a fucking prick. I shouldn't be surprised, I've known for quite a while what he's like and none of this is surprising, but I try to be forgiving and see the best in people, ya know. Why are people so shit?Nearly always fear/unhappiness. Very, very rarely is it because they are just plain bad.

One thing we can be more or less confident of; people don't usually behave badly cos they're happy.

[BIXX]

Why are people so fucking disappointing? I don't understand why it's so hard for some people to show basic loyalty towards people they're supposed to care about or even love. Is it really that hard to not be so fucking selfish? I find it very easy... Anger is actually a great emotion. I've spent my whole life afraid of it but recently - thanks to counselling - I've learned to embrace it and express it in a healthy way and I have to say it's fucking sweet. I actually feel in a better mood now having learned how a friend has pretty much betrayed me than I did before. Having said that, what a fucking prick. I shouldn't be surprised, I've known for quite a while what he's like and none of this is surprising, but I try to be forgiving and see the best in people, ya know. Why are people so shit?


While I don't know what happened, I feel I am often the person who disappoints in those relationships. It's not out of selfishness for me (I think) but I'm preoccupied, and depression makes me less great as a friend. But what I can say is that tallguy could be right- they probably aren't trying to be a cock.

[Futility Personified]

Insomnia, spent all my dole, still on the dole, nearly everyone around me pisses me off, lonely as fuck, want to start smoking weed again, can't start smoking weed again, my knee hurts, family are all crazy, noone around here to relate to, none of my goals are realistic til my debt is paid off..... started writing again though. Liverpool beat United as well, that was good. I just love it when you wake up, you get stuff done, you tire yourself out naturally, you even avoid caffeine. Then night pops around, intrusive thoughts pester you continuously until.... you make another post in PYHO. Peace.

[motion denied]

Fuck everything

[BIXX]

I'm gonna talk about an argument my ex and I had that really really pissed me off. I know it's stupid cause we haven't even talked in over a year now, but I remembered it today and it made me sad.

So, she was talking shit about how "preppy *****es" at our school dress. I said that I didn't think it was fair for her to say that, as it was exactly what the preppy kids did to punks (of which she was one).

She said that it wasn't equivalent cause they treat her like shit more.

To which I replied that when I'm at a punk show people give me shit looks because I don't conform, they give me shit, etc... To the point that shows aren't as fun as they should/could be.

She told me that it was ok for them to do that because people who dress like me (she meant preppy here) are mean to them.

I said that actually my clothing doesn't match with the "preppy" style, and they give me shot for dressing too poor. I'm sorry I don't go spend extra money to fit punk or preppy styles, I just wear what's cheap.

To which to responded by storming off and calling me an asshole who is no better than your average privileged white cis male who is an oppressive fuck. Which pissed me off because while at the time I did identify as male, I tried to do everything in my power not to be that. I told her that, and explained why it hurt, then stopped talking to her. It was such a fucking stupid argument (I mean really? Your style versus my style? Come the fuck on.) and it got blown so out of proportion, to the point where she told me that I am everything I hate.

She never once treated me like a human being, I realize now. She lied to me all the time, and when her friends were total shit to me she joined right in.

I'm glad I'll never see her again.

[#FF0000]

Left early from work. Played video games and listened to music and planned an itinerary for a trip to Japan that may never happen but which my brother and I are still tentatively working towards.

EDIT: I'm finding that planning things like this, getting pictures of places I want to go and see, putting together lists of books i want to read, etc. is hella relaxing. Which is good, because I have a hard time finding ways to relax and not worry about the next day.

[Rosa Partizan]

So that guy I totally fell for dumped me all of a sudden, with no explaination, even didn't let me have a talk with him. When he saw me at the autonomuos centre, his jaw dropped, he said hi and rushed past me. Awesome. Afterwards, I wrote him that I'm totally losing respect for him and that he's being a coward. He was then like "I have no obligation to you, you knew that there was the chance of not working out with us". Then he went on with specious reasons, stuff that didn't bother him at the moment it was happening, just totally evident bullshit you wouldn't dump anyone for.

One thing was that we had dinner with two friends of his, a couple. I got along with them pretty well and asked her, what about repeating this in the exactly same constellation and she was like, awesome, let's do this. When I asked him about planning that for a certain evening, he was just like, I planned something else. And now, he's being like, you were sneakily trying to organize a date night. Ummmm yeah. Fuck you.

[#FF0000]

So that guy I totally fell for dumped me all of a sudden, with no explaination, even didn't let me have a talk with him.

Welp, his loss. On to the next one.

[Rosa Partizan]

Welp, his loss. On to the next one.

yeah, I'm having a date on Wednesday with a pretty hot, slightly older teacher of politics, history and philosophy.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Man it must be nice...I think about the woman I was going out with just recently quite a bit. That separation was about as amicable as it could possibly get but I still turn it over in my head a lot. Just when I think she's finally fading out she shows up and spends the night :unsure: Stop crawling back into my head! Goddamn opposite sex. Or same sex, if that's how you roll.

[human strike]

So if last night anger felt good, today it feels petty crap. I feel utterly betrayed and I don't want to lose anymore friends, it happens far too often as it is. Basically my friend tried it on with my ex right after shit got fucked between me and her (there's a lot more to it than that, but that's the basic version), but I only find all this out yesterday by reading messages between them on facebook which is a totally shit thing to do and really goes against my principles on respecting privacy but when it comes to stuff to do with her I can't help it, I feel like there's been so much deception and betrayal and my paranoia constantly turns out to be justified. I fucking hate him, he's just such a man, it's pathetic. It doesn't compare to how betrayed by her I feel. It's been a very delayed reaction but I think I'm finally able to see things clearly; the things that she did were so fucked up and hurtful and uncaring and she framed it all as my fault, and I fucking let her, I believed her and let her do all this shit to me. I understand why all this has happened and why she acts the way she does - even if she doesn't - and I wish I could make her understand, but what would be the fucking point? As much as I miss her (and god do I miss her so fucking badly) how on earth could I trust her after everything that she's done? I'm scared of what she's capable of too so I daren't ever let her know how angry I feel. I went a while without seeing her anywhere but at the weekend she seemed to be everywhere I was again - I hate seeing her anywhere. I've been so fucked up by all this I've been drained of all my confidence. There's this woman I really like and I'd quite like to be friends with her or potentially more, but neither is possible because I get so awkward and nervous around her. I haven't felt like that in years and it makes me hate myself. It doesn't help that my ex is around every corner or looming over me, in my head if not always in reality.


Insomnia, spent all my dole, still on the dole, nearly everyone around me pisses me off, lonely as fuck, want to start smoking weed again, can't start smoking weed again, my knee hurts, family are all crazy, noone around here to relate to, none of my goals are realistic til my debt is paid off..... started writing again though. Liverpool beat United as well, that was good. I just love it when you wake up, you get stuff done, you tire yourself out naturally, you even avoid caffeine. Then night pops around, intrusive thoughts pester you continuously until.... you make another post in PYHO. Peace.

You're totally welcome to come smoke with me in Bristol sometime. :)

[BIXX]

So, I used to have insomnia. Now I sleep too much. I wake up to angry phone calls almost every day of people telling me that they can't always be the responsible one etc...

I don't want them to be the responsible one and wake me up, I just wanna sleep. I don't wanna move. I don't wanna see anyone. I don't wanna go to school. Just lay in bed all day sounds like a great plan to me.

It has gotten bad enough to where I just wanna curl up in a ball and never leave the house. At least here I don't have to worry about what others think of me.

[human strike]

So, I used to have insomnia. Now I sleep too much. I wake up to angry phone calls almost every day of people telling me that they can't always be the responsible one etc...

I don't want them to be the responsible one and wake me up, I just wanna sleep. I don't wanna move. I don't wanna see anyone. I don't wanna go to school. Just lay in bed all day sounds like a great plan to me.

It has gotten bad enough to where I just wanna curl up in a ball and never leave the house. At least here I don't have to worry about what others think of me.

Almost every day when I wake I lie still and stare at the walls, sometimes for hours, getting up for nothing, not even moving, so I sympathise. Sunny weather helps; the last three days I've managed to get up pretty quickly and head to a park to hang out with friends or read. I hope you get some sun where you are, you might find that helps.

[cyu]

I'm finding that planning things like this, getting pictures of places I want to go and see, putting together lists of books i want to read, etc. is hella relaxing. Which is good, because I have a hard time finding ways to relax and not worry about the next day.

Reminds me of http://www.bizjournals.com/bizjournals/how-to/human-resources/2013/07/effective-methods-of-removing-stress.html

research has shown that those who anticipate leaving for a vacation were happier, and that scheduling more frequent – albeit shorter – vacations maximizes happiness and relieves stress.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I could really use a vacation somewhere.

[Quail]

Apparently when I got home on Saturday night I curled up in bed and cried for over an hour, and I was being evasive and wouldn't tell my partner what was wrong. I don't remember any of this. In fact all I remember is having a good night, getting a taxi home and passing out. But I can guess what was on my mind. Ugh.

[cyu]

In fact all I remember is having a good night, getting a taxi home and passing out.


Maybe not the best, but I'd take it =]

[tallguy]

Almost every day when I wake I lie still and stare at the walls, sometimes for hours, getting up for nothing, not even moving....

Fucking hell, it's like being inside an Ingmar Bergman movie in here.....

http://www.swedenborg.org.uk/uploaded/501fa1850ba25.jpeg

[Sinister Intents]

The metal scene is a fucking sausage fest *sigh*

[#FF0000]

bein sad about where i am in life and a relationship and listening to joy division.

[human strike]

I'm not sure this really needs a trigger warning, but to be on the safe side I hint at stuff to do with partner abuse and suicide in this post:

When I think back to how much pain I was in several months ago I'm kinda surprised to find myself still alive. And it makes me angry. It makes me angry that someone was able to do that to me. I don't think they did it consciously, but someone who claimed to love me did the most incredibly hurtful (dare I say abusive?) things that made me want to die (though obviously my own issues and insecurities played a part in this). It's scary that that was possible in the first place and it's scary that I didn't see it coming. It's also scary how I held myself entirely responsible for what was happening despite not understanding what it was I was supposed to have done wrong. I've learned a lot about fear, I've learned a lot about love and I've learned a lot about myself. My hope is I've learned enough to be ok from now on. :/ I am a bit scared to fall in love again - it's really what I used to live for - and I'm also scared that I won't be able to again or that it won't be the same. Nah, fuck it, I don't want it to be the same, I want it to be better and healthier.

But I'm getting ahead of myself lol. I wish this woman I've been messaging online would invite me to meet with her somewhere. I know she wants to meetup but I don't think she's going to take that first step - seems like it's going to be down to me again (urgh, great). I never know what to do with people on first dates like that. Actual formal dating isn't something I've done properly ever really. All the "dates" I've been on (outside of a relationship) have been pretty informal and I think always ended up in my bedroom, but I don't think that's normal and I don't really know what I'm doing... Like, I have this awesome date in my head that I could take someone on (it involves climbing a very tall abandoned building at night and having a picnic overlooking the entire city all pretty and lit-up and shit), but I think it's way too intense for a first date... Can somebody tell me what to do? Or tell her to do this shit so I don't have to? (I really like it when other people take charge.) I had a long conversation with a mutual friend we share (it's a small world) today, partly about her; I probably should have asked them to tell her to ask me out lol. Still, it's exciting, so that's good; ten times better than I felt even just a month or two ago. :)

I'm embarrassed about this bit so I'm spoilering it:

Oh, and another thing, it really shouldn't make me anxious that she hasn't messaged me all day, but it does. It's silly considering how she usually does message me back within a day and I once went several days without replying to her...

[BIXX]

I like you, whatever singularity.

I totally get the feelings you mentioned in your post. All of them. It's a nice, warm kind of scared.

I haven't felt that way in a long time. I want to.

[Goblin]

I haven't slept in almost 3 days

[Os Cangaceiros]

Go to sleep. Sleep is good.

[BIXX]

I get so fucking angry for no reason. I am just sitting in class on the verge of yelling and beating the shit out of another student. I don't even dislike most of the students.

[Quail]

Don't have enough money (/available funds, since I'm deep in my overdraft) to pay my standing order to nursery tomorrow. Fuck.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Apparently when I got home on Saturday night I curled up in bed and cried for over an hour, and I was being evasive and wouldn't tell my partner what was wrong. I don't remember any of this. In fact all I remember is having a good night, getting a taxi home and passing out. But I can guess what was on my mind. Ugh.

Damn...i hate hearing about shit the day/week/month after...
That's why i hate getting drunk.

Probably for the best that you remember having fun though.

[Sinister Intents]

Every day everything seems more and more bleak. I tried to stab myself earlier, I was literally trying to physically hurt myself. I was being incredibly irrational. Life just seems to suck more every day. All of my dreams are shit anymore. I live in the middle of nowhere in a home with bitter people who flip from fighting one moment and yelling. To absolutely loving each other. A constant fucking cycle of the same thing over and over and over again. I'm so fucking poor, I'm so fucking broke. I'm tired of life, I hate life in a patriarchal capitalist society. I just don't want to live anymore. I know I'm young, but so few people even know of my existence. What's the point of anything anymore? I don't feel a reason to live anymore. I know people have given me useful advice, but everything just feels like it's closing down, so fuck it. I have a paper to write and a couple other assignments but I started drinking so I'll get nothing.

[cyu]

I'm tired of life, I hate life in a patriarchal capitalist society. I just don't want to live anymore.


That's exactly how you should feel, at least about being tired of life in an oppressive society and not wanting to live under an oppressive system. Instead of allowing them to turn your anger inwards, turn your anger outwards at the system itself.

Revolutions are not made by the coddled and the complacent.

[Quail]

Don't have enough money (/available funds, since I'm deep in my overdraft) to pay my standing order to nursery tomorrow. Fuck.

I went to the bank and thankfully they could cancel the SO and I'll pay at the beginning of next month when I'll have enough money. I was worried I was going to be hit with charges that I wouldn't be able to pay because banks are scum and charge you for being too poor.

Have had a difficult day today, and I've noticed my bulimic tendencies are threatening to come back. But I will survive. I'm writing and that always makes me feel better. :)

[synthesis]

I just found out my family's cat died. Motherfucker.

[Hermes]

Needing to write college essays about how wonderful I am, and better than everyone else, when right now I can't think of one good thing I've ever done or accomplished in my life. All so I can go to another college where I'll socially isolate myself and then get worse because I have no friends.

And knowing that none of it matters to anyone.

[BIXX]

I don't have a desire to live anymore. It's not that I wanna die, it's just apathy. Every day I wake up feeling worse than I felt the day before. I feel like that guy from office space- every day is the worst day of my life.

[Os Cangaceiros]

every day is the worst day of my life.

"Wow, that's messed up."

[Workers-Control-Over-Prod]

While I don't know what happened, I feel I am often the person who disappoints in those relationships. It's not out of selfishness for me (I think) but I'm preoccupied, and depression makes me less great as a friend. But what I can say is that tallguy could be right- they probably aren't trying to be a cock.

Friends who are not reliant and suck the energy out of caring friends, are probably mostly depressed. In my opinion the best thing to do is to be up front about your feelings, yell at them for letting you and your friendship down and hope to generate some shame in them for being selfish. But emotionally open relationships come few in this world today, so being hesitantly caring and "concerned" is the dominant strain.

[Sinister Intents]

Its snowing again and very cold....
Also when you struggle to be able talk to someone anymore because of things that they've told. As well as things you've stated to them. So now its impossible for me to talk to certain people.

[consuming negativity]

Well. I'm finishing up my second beer of the morning. It's very nice outside, I wish it were the same inside. "If I had my way, I would tear this whole building down" - well spoken, Bob. Weir, not the one I cancelled plans with to sleep in after last night.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm lonely due to myself or outside circumstances, but I have a feeling that the two are connected. I'm not depressed anymore. So why have I spent the past couple weeks high and drunk? Well, I suppose for the fun of it. Being intoxicated is much better than living normally. Yeah, I won't live to be in my 70s, but then what good person does anyway? What's the point of living to be 100 if the entire time I'm miserable and alone? Lots of questions on my mind, and the answer is silence. I do wish I had a friend to share this with, though.

Oh man, Terrapin Station is on now. God I fucking love the Dead. Spring break ends soon, and with it, my binging. What a shame, although it'll be good for my wallet. And then, in a few months, graduation. Not even a few. Like, two months. And I'll be a college graduate. Just lol, that scares the fucking shit out of me. Just, horrifies me. And yet it's what I've been waiting for so long - one step further to financial independence, life independence. A huge step. I'm just waiting to be disappointed.

/me blinks and looks up

What the fuck even is this nonsense? Better post it!

[Zukunftsmusik]

I'm getting pretty depressed. I don't do anything, but each day feels like a marathon. Even talking to people I like about things I'm usually interested in just feels exhausting and I long for the bed so I can hide from the world.

[The Jay]

I've been down that road. You don't want to be down that road. There's nothing wrong with taking pills.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I'm so incredibly tired and fed up with people.

[BIXX]

I have a lot of thoughts but I don't feel that the words required to say them exist.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I don't have a desire to live anymore. It's not that I wanna die, it's just apathy.


I have a lot of thoughts but I don't feel that the words required to say them exist.

Shit! Are you my secret twin or something?

[tallguy]

Right okay that's it. I'm not going to pick on any one in particular as that would be very bad form.

But you lot need to lighten the fuck up and stop all of this wallowing in self pity. It's fucking pathetic. There is always someone far worse off than you. And, even if there isn't,. the world will still turn tomorrow and tomorrow will provide new opportunities.

Sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.

[Rosa Partizan]

Well yeah, that's very easy said when you don't know all those people. I myself do pretty fine, compared to many users here, but still I know that I'm in kind of a privileged situation with mental stability, financial security and so on, which is no matter of course. God knows how I would deal with bigger problems and probably you don't know either.

[Zukunftsmusik]

Right okay that's it. I'm not going to pick on any one in particular as that would be very bad form.

But you lot need to lighten the fuck up and stop all of this wallowing in self pity. It's fucking pathetic. There is always someone far worse off than you. And, even if there isn't,. the world will still turn tomorrow and tomorrow will provide new opportunities.

Sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.

In a sense you're right, but mental illness or social issues, isolation, loneliness, anxiety etc. are real problems, and can take the form of some really vicious circles that you can't break out of by just "staying positive" or whatever. Like, I can see how my behaviour and mindset is destructive and is harming me in the long run and there's nothing I wish more than to be able to just say "welp, the world turns, new day tomorrow, just stay positive!" and break out of it, but I'm afraid it's not that easy. If you haven't struggled with these things, I can get that's difficult to understand.

[Rosa Partizan]

Dammit, seeing how Zukunftsmusik said it a 100 times better than me (however I'm at work and write with my mobile phone), makes me now REALLY depressed :( damn you Zukunftsmusik!

[#FF0000]

Gonna see a doctor again about my hella recurrent illnesses, so that's good.

[BIXX]

Right okay that's it. I'm not going to pick on any one in particular as that would be very bad form.

But you lot need to lighten the fuck up and stop all of this wallowing in self pity. It's fucking pathetic. There is always someone far worse off than you. And, even if there isn't,. the world will still turn tomorrow and tomorrow will provide new opportunities.

Sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.


Fuck you. You have no fucking idea what some of us have been through.

[tallguy]

Fuck you. You have no fucking idea what some of us have been through.
And you have no idea about my life or what I come from either mate

[BIXX]

And you have no idea about my life or what I come from either mate


Fucking exactly. So you can't tell others just to "get over it". Again, fuck you.

[Rosa Partizan]

There are people committing suicide because of depression, you have to have gone through tons of shit to consider this a solution. And even if it's not suicide because of depression, there is shit like anxiety disorders, bipolar issues (in German it is borderline, I don't know if that is really bipolar stuff), and none of that is just a mood. Not only being not comfortable with yourself, but feeling detached, disembodied, kind of observing yourself doing horrible stuff to yourself or others is nothing you can solve by yourself. I kind of have some anger management stuff, , you know, getting so fucking angry about petty stuff really quickly, but I could work it out by myself. And sometimes I was and still am so annoyed by myself, even without having a real disorder. So I dont wanna know how it feels for people with clinical issues. Still writing with my mobile, so everything is kinda shortened, sorry.

[ArisVelouxiotis]

I'm fed up with the stupid things I am being taught in school.Also I'm lonely as fuck(I mean like no "love" life as I have a lot of friends)

[human strike]

Right okay that's it. I'm not going to pick on any one in particular as that would be very bad form.

But you lot need to lighten the fuck up and stop all of this wallowing in self pity. It's fucking pathetic. There is always someone far worse off than you. And, even if there isn't,. the world will still turn tomorrow and tomorrow will provide new opportunities.

Sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.

Either you're very naive, tallguy, or you're just being a dick. Since you've also said, "And you have no idea about my life or what I come from either mate," which to me is you implying you can relate to people's problems and are not just being naive, I can only assume you're being a dick. So how about you don't say this shit here or anywhere else? Maybe it's what you say to yourself when you're down; does it work? I doubt it somehow. Be a dick to yourself if you must, but leave us out of it please.

[Sinister Intents]

How do people usually react to someone being genderfluid?

[Crabbensmasher]

How do people usually react to someone being genderfluid?

I have a friend who recently announced they're genderqueer. To be honest, the experience really highlighted how little I know about gender identity, masculinity, and femininity in general. When they began wearing traditionally female clothing, I have to admit, it was hard to get used to, and I'd say I'm still not used to it.

I was raised in a fairly rigid household in terms of gender identity. Men were supposed to be stoically masculine, and women were feminine. Anything out of the ordinary was met with a cringe, but nothing hostile really. And that's coming from a white 'liberal' household.

So yeah, it's hard to get used to, and it's really made me question my beliefs on the topic. For awhile, you start to think "Wow, I'm a reactionary little shit", but then you realize our culture is really to blame on this one.

So, as you guys may have noticed from my previous couple posts, I have a very rational attitude towards problems like this. There's a problem, I accept it, and then try to fix it. Thus, I've begun starting to educate myself. I joined a group discussing gender identity, watched a couple documentaries of masculinity, culture and gender, etc. These are pretty big topics I'm engrossing myself in, so they'll probably stick with me for awhile. Taking baby steps, making a bit of progress.

I have to say, it's been hard for me to get my head around, because I'm very much a conformist. When your friend starts to go out in public with you dressed as a different 'gender' than before (or the same 'gender' as before, it depends on their mood), it's hard to relax and act normally. Something like this, though, can probably help me with my conformity issues. The fact is, IT IS something I believe in, and even if most people think its 'weird', their opinions are wrong, probably stemming from a reactionary culture, and being uneducated on the topic. Given what I now know, it's completely illogical to not stand up for this - thus being embarrassed or uncomfortable about it something I should work on eliminating.

That's about all I have to say about that. It does make me feel like shit that I'm 'embarrassed' by it, but the fact is, that's a testament to the power of conformity. It's a classic case of finding validation in others. You should be comfortable enough to find validation in your own beliefs. If you know these beliefs are correct, whereas others are ignorant, you really have no reason to be influenced by their opinion.

I feel like one of the first people who realized earth spun around the sun, (heliocentrism) and almost everybody else was against me. But Galileo or Copernicus didn't feel 'ashamed' or 'embarrassed' for believing this. It was their duty to stand up for the truth. People are not 'stuck' in their gender; that's been proven just as definitively as heliocentrism. Feeling embarrassed for the truth gets nowhere. I only am because I have bad confidence and I'm susceptible to conformity. By submitting it to this analysis constantly, however, I will disprove myself and work my way to confidently standing up for it. That's the intention at least

[BIXX]

How do people usually react to someone being genderfluid?


For me, being agendered is also odd- most people don't know how to react. I for the most part, seem masculine, minus certain important aspects, but my identity as agendered stems from my enjoyment of "non-masculine" things, and dislike of "masculine" things.

Due to that, it is not clear immediately how I identify, and I think most people have a hard time accepting my identity because of that. I can't speak definitively for how people react to finding out someone is gender fluid, but I imagine it's similar.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

Right okay that's it. I'm not going to pick on any one in particular as that would be very bad form.

But you lot need to lighten the fuck up and stop all of this wallowing in self pity. It's fucking pathetic. There is always someone far worse off than you. And, even if there isn't,. the world will still turn tomorrow and tomorrow will provide new opportunities.

Sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.

Oh thanks, I completely forgot I could just decide to be happy. Cheers mate :)

remember, your mental/emotional state is just like your financial situation. As long as you're above the bottom line you have nothing to complain about.

[Futility Personified]

Stops doing psychology because value of degrees has gone down and doesn't want to end up doing marketing when NHS mental health provision is slashed dramatically

Ends up making an adhoc appeal to company for marketing job with no qualifications

Great success?

[Crabbensmasher]

Shit, a lot of really serious stuff got dumped on me last night. I don't usually get involved in things this serious. I don't think I've ever felt more like an adult than I do now. Like, me getting hit by this stuff. Me, out of all fucking people. Me. It's so weird. I go around and it's like half the time I don't exist - I don't really make a big impact on anybody's life, and now, involved in something this serious, this important (and not in a good sense).

I'm not mad, because the situation doesn't warrant it, but I'm perplexed and feeling a lot of feelings I haven't felt before. I'm not panicking, but I've kind of internalized it and I'm gonna have to use my better judgement. I've gotta be a fucking adult about this. Fuck. I think reality just hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Don't worry though, I'm just ranting. I'm pretty mature. I can get through this

[Os Cangaceiros]

I visited a friend of mine from childhood recently who I hadn't seen in a while. He has a kid now (who's a few months old) and a wife, who I used to know in high school. She's a really nice person and they seem to have a good relationship. I wish I could have that sort of bond with someone else but I'm not sure if that's ever going to happen for me, unfortunately.

[Ele'ill]

How do people usually react to someone being genderfluid?

It depends on a lot of things like if they are even aware of non-binary/transgender being a thing.

[Ele'ill]

fuck everything

[PhoenixAsh]

wait...I am entirely confused. What happened to the rent calculator post? :confused::confused:

When I tried to quote it it said: "fuck everything"
Which I presume is a very accurate synopsis of what you were saying...but it was weird.

Anyways...the questions was: what is section 8 ?

[Ele'ill]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_8_%28housing%29



Section 8 of the Housing Act of 1937 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Housing_Act_of_1937) (42 U.S.C. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Title_42_of_the_United_States_Code) § 1437f (http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/42/1437f.html)), often simply known as Section 8, as repeatedly amended, authorizes the payment of rental housing assistance to private landlords on behalf of approximately 3.1 million low-income households in the United States. The largest part of the section is the Housing Choice Voucher program which pays a large portion of the rents and utilities of about 2.1 million households. The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development manages the Section 8 programs.[1] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_8_%28housing%29#cite_note-1)

[rylasasin]

I've been doing nothing of value at all for the last decade.

[Ele'ill]

considering buying 3-4 books, checking into a motel for 2 or 3 days for like 120-180 bucks with 2 bottles of bourbon + lots of beer and just watching tv and reading and eating bad food and getting drunk in the bathtub/shower that I will probably be in the entire time but I know that time will fly by and I will regret the decision and wasted money

I can't remember the last time I had a drink. I mean that genuinely I just don't remember. Maybe a week, maybe 2. But when I am drunk I always know exactly when the last time I was completely sober was.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Would you really stay in the motel if you did that? I know if I were to hole up in a room with two bottles of bourbon, I definitely would wake up somewhere else LOL. Like face down in the stockroom of a Texaco station or something. Or a gutter. Or jail. Jail's always a possibility.

[The Jay]

considering buying 3-4 books, checking into a motel for 2 or 3 days for like 120-180 bucks with 2 bottles of bourbon + lots of beer and just watching tv and reading and eating bad food and getting drunk in the bathtub/shower that I will probably be in the entire time but I know that time will fly by and I will regret the decision and wasted money

I can't remember the last time I had a drink. I mean that genuinely I just don't remember. Maybe a week, maybe 2. But when I am drunk I always know exactly when the last time I was completely sober was.

That sounds like an interesting way to spend time. What kind of books would you get if you did that: poetry, prose fiction, non-fiction political, non-fiction scientific?

[motion denied]

I loathe trots and stalinists. I don't mean here on RL, as this is the internet and completely irrelevant, but in real life. Trots sometimes are worse because they are so many; stalinists because they're outright reactionaries. Self-proclaimed "anarchists" are no better either, as they're a bunch of liberal imbeciles.

Fuck them all, can't wait to get fuck out of uni.

[Art Vandelay]

I hate the fact that I don't feel comfortable enough with myself to 'come out' so to speak. I'm sick of feeling like I'm incapable of expressing the 'totality' of my personality and who I am and as a result I feel like I'm always portioning out how much information about myself, I give to the people in my life. My inability to be open and honest about who I am, then leads into me being incapable of finding any outlet for the things I'm feeling. Its all symptomatic of my tendency to evaluate my self worth as being dependent on the opinions people have of me. It's counter productive, not to mention self defeating, and yet I'm not sure what to do about it. Or maybe I know exactly what I need to do and am just too cowardly and complacent to do anything about it but rant anonymously and engage in pointless self deprecation.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

The worst thing is that all of my supposed friends, the people I've helped over the years, people who could rely on me to talk to them until the morning if necessary when they were feeling down, people who swore that they would be there for me, all of them have turned on me. I feel like the worst chump in the world - and that is disturbing in itself. Apparently my motives weren't as pure as I had imagined. Ah, Name Redacted - the fallen knight in shining armour. How tedious to be that person.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

And now I've managed to induce a panic attack, and my heart hurts... welp, it might be the case that I won't have to worry about fake friends and my shattered self-image for long.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

i was going to write out something really big but it reached cardiac torrent level fast so i think i'll just have to work on it and post it later. However, i do have something to kvetch about whioch is in any case related to what i will presumably post in future.

My mum, for all her merits, is not always terribly good at seeing other peoples' viewpoints. If I was being unkind (and accurate) I'd say that she can be incredibly judgemental and utterly intransigent about her convictions and she quietly holds several pretty strong prejudices about some things. I think we were talking with the telly on in the background - i think it was some mildly exploitative trash about people on the dole or something. Anyway, there's one point when this young woman is on and she says she's not in work because she suffers from really severe depression and can barely make it out of bed most days etcetera - something I can completely understand. My mum turns around and says to me "How disgusting is that? A healthy young woman acting like a lazy teenager. There's no excuse for it, whatever words you use - it comes down to idleness. That flat and that money could have gone to people who've lost their jobs or low income families. Don't you ever turn out like that."

It's not really an isolated incident. Plenty of other times she's said that depression is a personal weakness, a word lazy, self-pitying scroungers use to justify an apparently hedonistic lifestyle (off camera, of course, the depressed big it up on their government money) at the expense of the needy. The idea that mental illness (unless spectacularly obvious) is ultimately the result of personal failure is another one of the weirdly reactionary beliefs she holds simultaneously with left-wing principles. It's also the main reason i'm personally unwilling to open up about my own depression and anxiety - because its been conditioned into me that i can expect a toungue-lashing.

[BIXX]

I need to talk to someone

[synthesis]

For me, being agendered is also odd- most people don't know how to react. I for the most part, seem masculine, minus certain important aspects, but my identity as agendered stems from my enjoyment of "non-masculine" things, and dislike of "masculine" things.

I don't see how that, in and of itself, makes you a certain type of gender category. This kind of shit is very confusing to me. (Pun... subconsciously intended?)

[BIXX]

I don't see how that, in and of itself, makes you a certain type of gender category. This kind of shit is very confusing to me. (Pun... subconsciously intended?)


I really didn't explain it adequately. I think I over simplified it by saying it's was about my preferences- I mean it was more about who I feel I am at the core. I feel neither masculine nor feminine. I think others can prolly explain better.

Another thing is that it could be some hormone thing or whatever and this is how I've come to express it but I (at least currently) don't see myself as male or female. I don't know. Does it make more sense now?

[synthesis]

I really didn't explain it adequately. I think I over simplified it by saying it's was about my preferences- I mean it was more about who I feel I am at the core. I feel neither masculine nor feminine. I think others can prolly explain better.

Another thing is that it could be some hormone thing or whatever and this is how I've come to express it but I (at least currently) don't see myself as male or female. I don't know. Does it make more sense now?

Sure, yeah. My conception of it was always that it had to do with some sort of intangible "feeling" of what's right and what's not right for you. The aspects of it that have to do with activities or behavior seem to be the superficial aspects - superficial as in "just the surface," not as in narrow-minded or whatever. (As you can probably tell, I'm doing my best to adjust to the 21st century.)

[BIXX]

Sure, yeah. My conception of it was always that it had to do with some sort of intangible "feeling" of what's right and what's not right for you. The aspects of it that have to do with activities or behavior seem to be the superficial aspects - superficial as in "just the surface," not as in narrow-minded or whatever. (As you can probably tell, I'm doing my best to adjust to the 21st century.)


Yeah, I think you are getting it pretty well.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Right okay that's it. I'm not going to pick on any one in particular as that would be very bad form.

But you lot need to lighten the fuck up and stop all of this wallowing in self pity. It's fucking pathetic. There is always someone far worse off than you. And, even if there isn't,. the world will still turn tomorrow and tomorrow will provide new opportunities.

Sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.

I'm going to make it very easy for you: This is a safe space. People can even complain about bumping their knee without others nagging about it. If you don't want to see people talking about having a hard time, then don't fucking come here!

[#FF0000]

I actually did bump my knee. :(

[Comrade Jacob]

I went to see the head-psychiatrist today and finally I have been diagnosed. Thankfully it isn't Schizophrenia it's 'Psychotic-depression (with Paranoid elements)' I've been waiting months and been going to about 25 hours worth of meetings to get this.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I actually did bump my knee. :(
Ouch...that shit hurts!


I went to see the head-psychiatrist today and finally I have been diagnosed. Thankfully it isn't Schizophrenia it's 'Psychotic-depression (with Paranoid elements)' I've been waiting months and been going to about 25 hours worth of meetings to get this.
Hopefully you can get some coaching and meds maybe?
Anyway, knowing what's wrong is the first step to a better life.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

Hit a depressive wall. I don't want to get out of bed, I hate everything, there's an elephant sitting on my chest. I thought I was doing so well. I can't even wrap my mind around was has been happening or the horror of my last therapy visit. Fuck life.

[The Jay]

Breathe, you'll be okay.

[BIXX]

Hit a depressive wall. I don't want to get out of bed, I hate everything, there's an elephant sitting on my chest. I thought I was doing so well. I can't even wrap my mind around was has been happening or the horror of my last therapy visit. Fuck life.

Just remember that we are here for you, Vox. Everything is gonna be ok.

[Comrade Jacob]

Ouch...that shit hurts!


Hopefully you can get some coaching and meds maybe?
Anyway, knowing what's wrong is the first step to a better life.

Yeah, I've been on 15ml of Aripiprazole for about 3-4 months. If I attack the depression then the psychosis may clear up later on. (Is what I gathered from what he told me).

[Ele'ill]

Would you really stay in the motel if you did that? I know if I were to hole up in a room with two bottles of bourbon, I definitely would wake up somewhere else LOL. Like face down in the stockroom of a Texaco station or something. Or a gutter. Or jail. Jail's always a possibility.

Well yeah I've been sober for quite some time (for me) and spending about $4 on food a day for the last fiscal week at least so the alcohol would rip through me as lovingly as actual vampirism (i'm reading Salem's Lot) and with other stuff going on in my life right now it would either end in being really relaxed and watching tv, reading, going for a walk and being chill/beneficial or off the deep end which I think is more likely which I would probably just cry myself to sleep in the bathtub or something equally depressing. I've been homeless for almost a year now so I haven't had a space for multiple days (recently) to just become a completely useless vegetable, a clean and completely useless vegetable. TV, a bed to read in. I read reviews of cheap motels posted by people and they're complaining about stains on the carpet in like $40/night motels and I can't help thinking you stupid fuckers I had someone try to pee on my mouth last night while I was already sleeping on top of what was either someone's ice cream sundae cherry topping dribbles or raccoon blood.

[Ele'ill]

That sounds like an interesting way to spend time. What kind of books would you get if you did that: poetry, prose fiction, non-fiction political, non-fiction scientific?

def. not political probably horror, probably more Stephen King since I've almost read everything by him :wub:

[Tenka]

So I wasn't diagnosed with M.S. after all. They said, basically, "looks like M.S.", based on the MRI and symptoms, but refused to diagnose me; instead, they said I must go see a "neuroimmunologist"--none of which, apparently, exist anywhere near me--and have begun using these shits (http://www.medi-comm.com/) to hound my mother and me for the outrageous medical debt incurred by the tests, even though she has set up a payment plan with the medical centre.

I will probably never get any kind of treatment.

edit: Though I have heard that steroids do not improve long-term prognosis. They are developing things with very promising results right now, which obviously I'll never be able to afford. Can't even get a diagnosis. This shit's why quackery is so popular in the U.S.: modern medicine is not so easily accessible unless it's an emergency.

[synthesis]

Well yeah I've been sober for quite some time (for me) and spending about $4 on food a day for the last fiscal week at least so the alcohol would rip through me as lovingly as actual vampirism (i'm reading Salem's Lot) and with other stuff going on in my life right now it would either end in being really relaxed and watching tv, reading, going for a walk and being chill/beneficial or off the deep end which I think is more likely which I would probably just cry myself to sleep in the bathtub or something equally depressing. I've been homeless for almost a year now so I haven't had a space for multiple days (recently) to just become a completely useless vegetable, a clean and completely useless vegetable. TV, a bed to read in. I read reviews of cheap motels posted by people and they're complaining about stains on the carpet in like $40/night motels and I can't help thinking you stupid fuckers I had someone try to pee on my mouth last night while I was already sleeping on top of what was either someone's ice cream sundae cherry topping dribbles or raccoon blood.

The Motel 6 on 20-something and Powell is decent for the price. (About $50 a night, if I remember correctly.)

[Os Cangaceiros]

So I wasn't diagnosed with M.S. after all. They said, basically, "looks like M.S.", based on the MRI and symptoms, but refused to diagnose me; instead, they said I must go see a "neuroimmunologist"--none of which, apparently, exist anywhere near me--and have begun using these shits (http://www.medi-comm.com/) to hound my mother and me for the outrageous medical debt incurred by the tests, even though she has set up a payment plan with the medical centre.

I will probably never get any kind of treatment.

edit: Though I have heard that steroids do not improve long-term prognosis. They are developing things with very promising results right now, which obviously I'll never be able to afford. Can't even get a diagnosis. This shit's why quackery is so popular in the U.S.: modern medicine is not so easily accessible unless it's an emergency.

They told me that I might have MS too at one point ("demyelinating disease"). It was because I was getting some tingling in my extremities and I was seeing "auras" around lights, and just blurred vision in general. And I felt like I was going progressively more and more insane, sinking into severe depression etc. But I was taking powerful sedative-tranquilizers on a daily basis back then, and since I've stopped doing that my symptoms cleared up completely. No more auras or blurry vision and such. So that's a good thing.

I'm pretty sure that I don't have that disease now, but based on the MRI findings back then they suggested that I might. I consulted radiologists back east in New York (near where the MRI was invented, in fact) and they said that there wasn't anything particularly abnormal with the readings. So MRI results are open to quite a bit of interpretation, I think. But lesions combined with recurrent or "relapsing" symptoms are definitely cause for concern.

[The Jay]

I have no idea what's going on here but my real life situation is going fairly well. I haven't been nearly as depressed.

[BIXX]

I'm really fucking sad.

I called my ex and she basically shat on me for three hours. Which, while on one hand, made me realize she is fucking pathetic, on the other, it made me realize how many people hate me in this town.

But I don't fucking need them. I asked for their help and they said no and I went and managed to get my shit done without them. I don't need people to like me- just to stay out of my way.

At least I keep telling myself that. I'll need more time before I know whether or not it's true.

Btw fuck the Portland Student Union. Fucking liberal asshats.

[The Jay]

I'm really fucking sad.

I called my ex and she basically shat on me for three hours. Which, while on one hand, made me realize she is fucking pathetic, on the other, it made me realize how many people hate me in this town.

But I don't fucking need them. I asked for their help and they said no and I went and managed to get my shit done without them. I don't need people to like me- just to stay out of my way.

At least I keep telling myself that. I'll need more time before I know whether or not it's true.

Btw fuck the Portland Student Union. Fucking liberal asshats.


Why'd you let her do that to you?

[BIXX]

Why'd you let her do that to you?


I honestly don't know. I was trying to send the message that I don't give a shit how "good" her life has been since we split up, and that no matter how much she tried to degrade me I would be fine. It's hard to explain. Like, she kept going on about how much sex she's having now, etc... And how amazing it is that we aren't together, and I just wanted her to know that I don't give a shit. I don't know if that's a proper explanation but yeah.

[The Jay]

Fuck that. You don't need her approval or envy. You're Ecoshock. You're a cool cat.

[BIXX]

Fuck that. You don't need her approval or envy. You're Ecoshock. You're a cool cat.


Thank you. It's nice, having people here. I've never had people on "my side" before, and it's helped me a lot.

[The Jay]

Thank you. It's nice, having people here. I've never had people on "my side" before, and it's helped me a lot.

It is good to hear that one has value in themselves via themselves. Sometimes one only needs to be reminded of it.

[synthesis]

I honestly don't know. I was trying to send the message that I don't give a shit how "good" her life has been since we split up, and that no matter how much she tried to degrade me I would be fine. It's hard to explain. Like, she kept going on about how much sex she's having now, etc... And how amazing it is that we aren't together, and I just wanted her to know that I don't give a shit. I don't know if that's a proper explanation but yeah.

It sounds like she was insecure in your relationship despite having "the upper hand" and uses these conversations to validate herself. I speak from having been in a similar position to her, sort of, about eight years ago.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Tell your ex-girlfriend to sit & spin

[Tenka]

But lesions combined with recurrent or "relapsing" symptoms are definitely cause for concern.

I have been getting obvious symptoms since about my 20th birthday, and they went away after a few months, then came back September of last year or thereabouts, different but similar. Oddly, they got substantially worse the day after my lumbar puncture (which showed no abnormalities), including new symptoms such as leg and lower back spasms and stiffness and perpetually tingly numbish feet (also worsening of bladder control problems I've noticed subtly since I was maybe 16 or 17). Pretty sure I have something. I believe I am starting to recover from the most recent relapse. Giving up caffeine might be helping.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

def. not political probably horror, probably more Stephen King since I've almost read everything by him :wub:

You should definitely read some H.P. Lovecraft if you ever get the chance. Best horror i've ever read.

[The Jay]

Yesterday I was transporting a patient from the ER to the inpatient rooms. She was mentally ill and the nurse was a bit apprehensive about dealing with her. I went in there to assess if I would need help in case she was violent. I managed to keep her calm and she listened to what I asked her to do and she did what she was able to.

When I was on that floor again the secretary told me that she liked me and that I was able to get her cooperation it seemed.

Fuck yeah. That time in group therapy paid off.

[Sinister Intents]

I just told one of my best friends I'm trans and I'm not sure how he reacted.... He just stopped talking to me and I figured he'd be someone understanding and would hang out with me... I think I fucked up and now I'm consumed in fear and started drinking..... I've class tonight and I can't miss...... fuck........

[The Jay]

First of all, your anxiety will pass in time as long as you don't feed it. It is hard but that's what you have to do.
Secondly, stop drinking. That will only make things worse.

[BIXX]

I think I have more posts in this one thread than all of revleft combined.

Anyway, my girlfriend always says she wants to go on more dates. So I asked if she wanted to do something today. She said yes. But as of today apparently the plan has changed- she's going to hang out with that fucking guy. I don't know if she just forgot or what but I am really upset about this.

[Sinister Intents]

I think I have more posts in this one thread than all of revleft combined.

Anyway, my girlfriend always says she wants to go on more dates. So I asked if she wanted to do something today. She said yes. But as of today apparently the plan has changed- she's going to hang out with that fucking guy. I don't know if she just forgot or what but I am really upset about this.

She hopefully forgot, or it was an accident, or perhaps you could hang out with her later? , Who's 'that guy'?

[BIXX]

She hopefully forgot, or it was an accident, or perhaps you could hang out with her later? , Who's 'that guy'?


http://www.revleft.com/vb/showpost.php?p=2727117&postcount=610

The guy I talk about in this post.

[Sinister Intents]

http://www.revleft.com/vb/showpost.php?p=2727117&postcount=610

The guy I talk about in this post.

Comrade, this dude is probably just a good friend so I wouldn't worry too much :) you should definitely say something to her about how you feel though. Also if one cheats on someone, the first question I'd ask is "do you love me the same?" If yes, then I'd forgive the person and wouldn't worry about it, I'm into open relationships, but I like to stay committed to one women.

[BIXX]

Comrade, this dude is probably just a good friend so I wouldn't worry too much :) you should definitely say something to her about how you feel though. Also if one cheats on someone, the first question I'd ask is "do you love me the same?" If yes, then I'd forgive the person and wouldn't worry about it, I'm into open relationships, but I like to stay committed to one women.


Thanks comrade, I guess I just wish that she didn't skip the date we'd agreed on. Like if she slept with him I'd be pissed but I could work through it, but I don't wanna be put on the back burner, you know?

[Quail]

Can't we just abolish money already? I hate not even having anything left in my overdraft just in case I need it.

[Ele'ill]

I just told one of my best friends I'm trans and I'm not sure how he reacted.... He just stopped talking to me and I figured he'd be someone understanding and would hang out with me... I think I fucked up and now I'm consumed in fear and started drinking..... I've class tonight and I can't miss...... fuck........


for me it was like I declared war on entire sections of my social sphere, whatever, they lost me, their loss

[Ele'ill]

I have become the worst vegan ever, but +10 boost as freegan

[consuming negativity]

http://www.revleft.com/vb/showpost.php?p=2727117&postcount=610

The guy I talk about in this post.

If honesty and communication screws up the relationship, it probably shouldn't exist anyway. If she cares, then she'll want to know if behavior she is exhibiting makes you feel in a bad way, if only so that she can be aware and help to accommodate whatever it is going on with you. Talking to her and getting some reassurance and comfort would probably make you feel a lot better, and besides, she can't know how you feel unless you actually tell her. Bottling it up and pushing it aside, when it is a recurring issue, is only going to drive a wedge deeper later on - you should take care of it and clear the air now.

$0.02

[Quail]

I have become the worst vegan ever, but +10 boost as freegan

Nothing wrong with freeganism... If the food is going to waste someone may as well eat it.

[Ele'ill]

So apparently they have made it illegal for homeless folks to stay at motels and hotels based on a no sleeping bag policy probably regarding bed bugs and such, which can travel just as easily in luggage bags, which is probably a more likely source if the folks are coming from an apartment complex or sheltered house where bugs can thrive. Talked with someone for a minute and don't know how true it is but they said they will deny you at the desk if you have a pack and look homeless because of the likely chance that you have a sleeping bag.


Rain through the next 10 days.

[BIXX]

So apparently they have made it illegal for homeless folks to stay at motels and hotels based on a no sleeping bag policy probably regarding bed bugs and such, which can travel just as easily in luggage bags, which is probably a more likely source if the folks are coming from an apartment complex or sheltered house where bugs can thrive. Talked with someone for a minute and don't know how true it is but they said they will deny you at the desk if you have a pack and look homeless because of the likely chance that you have a sleeping bag.


Dude what the fuck? That is such bullshit.

Show them this: As in previous years, survey respondents continue to treat for bed bugs in a variety of places outside private residences, such as college dorms, hotels, nursing homes, offices, schools and daycare centers, hospitals, public transportation and others. The majority of bed bug infestations occur in residential settings, such as apartments/condominiums and single-family homes, with 98 percent and 96 percent of respondents treating these dwellings respectively.

[Ele'ill]

honestly I don't see any reason to be alive, except to use drugs to make me happy. But that doesn't last and there are issues with it so yeah it's back to not really understanding why I should be alive, why I should try to live through this, it brings me nothing

[BIXX]

honestly I don't see any reason to be alive


I see a reason for you to be alive, Mari3L. You give so much to this forum, to the membership here, and specifically, you've given so much to me.

[Tenka]

Death is inevitable. Don't rush it. (Reëvaluate after 60th year, hopefully supposing that it can be reached.)

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

The prospect of waking up feeling like this every morning for another 38 years and 3 months is frankly not a good marketing pitch for survival.

[slum]

this entire winter has been a fucking mess for my mental health, i am really worried one day i'm just going to completely lose touch with reality

also i got a new diagnosis that makes me very nervous

[The Jay]

Today at work my meds were giving me beautiful side effects. I'll name them: nausia, dizziness, headache, shakes, and sweating. It was also the busiest day I've had in months. Thanks Obama.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I just told one of my best friends I'm trans and I'm not sure how he reacted.... He just stopped talking to me and I figured he'd be someone understanding and would hang out with me... I think I fucked up and now I'm consumed in fear and started drinking..... I've class tonight and I can't miss...... fuck........

You didn't fuck up. If anything it's your friend that fucked up. A little compassion maybe?
I just seriously can't grasp why people would be weird about it. A trans person is fucking awesome and amazingly brave for daring to make a major life changing decision! And then coming out about it? I wish i was that brave...

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Since i felt a short period of 'in love' feelings a few weeks back, i've been thinking about feelings and particularly my emotions.

It feels like only anger, fear and sadness are emotions i can feel. Hapiness, if any, is only shortlived and might be imaginary. Hapiness for me seems to be mostly the absence of anger, fear and sadness.

Why? God, i'd like to feel good every once in a while...
Is that so fucking hard?

[Sinister Intents]

You didn't fuck up. If anything it's your friend that fucked up. A little compassion maybe?
I just seriously can't grasp why people would be weird about it. A trans person is fucking awesome and amazingly brave for daring to make a major life changing decision! And then coming out about it? I wish i was that brave...

Thanks comrade, and he was accepting, I told two other friends, and they were accepting. I'm remaining closeted otherwise.

My dad made a trans joke on the way to work, and I can't tell him I'm trans and that his prejudiced jokes make me very upset and uncomfortable....

[cyu]

honestly I don't see any reason to be alive. not really understanding why I should be alive, why I should try to live through this


If capitalists in power makes everyone else's lives miserable, then we should live to make their lives miserable.

[human strike]

I'm really fucking sad.

I called my ex and she basically shat on me for three hours. Which, while on one hand, made me realize she is fucking pathetic, on the other, it made me realize how many people hate me in this town.



I honestly don't know. I was trying to send the message that I don't give a shit how "good" her life has been since we split up, and that no matter how much she tried to degrade me I would be fine. It's hard to explain. Like, she kept going on about how much sex she's having now, etc... And how amazing it is that we aren't together, and I just wanted her to know that I don't give a shit. I don't know if that's a proper explanation but yeah.

Do you think you deserve that? That's not a rhetorical question, I think you should genuinely and sincerely consider whether you deserve to be shat on for 3 hours. Why are you letting her punish you? I've let exes treat me like shit in the past. It feels a lot better when you stop letting them. If you're trying to pretend like you're fine without her, that's you doing something for her benefit, you're focusing on her. If you really want to properly move on then you need to focus on yourself, right?

My ex has been texting me the last few days and she tried to call me today but fortunately my friend rejected the call for me before I had the opportunity to press answer. She's been giving pretty lame excuses for contacting me. I'd have to be a complete imbecile to give her another opportunity to attack/abuse me or mess with my head at all, which I'm fairly sure is her intention (the other day I was stood at a bar and she came and stood next to me without acknowledging my existence in anyway - I didn't say anything to her (because I didn't want to) and can guarantee she would have had a go at me if I had; what the fuck is up with that?). It certainly used to be, but even if it isn't I really want nothing to do with her and texts and calls are making me anxious. :/ I'm afraid I'll forgive her for how she's treated me, but I really need to stay angry for my own sake, to leave those barriers up or I'm fucking screwed.

I'm unusually nervous for a date tomorrow. I'm hoping it's because I'm stoned, but that probably isn't the reason. I hope I don't make an arse of myself.

[Lily Briscoe]

honestly I don't see any reason to be alive, except to use drugs to make me happy. But that doesn't last and there are issues with it so yeah it's back to not really understanding why I should be alive, why I should try to live through this, it brings me nothing

What about the possibility of seeing new places, having new experiences, potentially meeting interesting/like-minded people and forming meaningful friendships/relationships? I saw something on here you posted about going to a desert somewhere, maybe that could be a reason? I think there are also other (maybe less cliche) things that can make life worthwhile, though. Creativity is one, imo. I think it's probably the coolest thing about people, actually - the ability to be creative and give expression (through art or music or writing or whatever) to really unique concepts/feelings/visions/perspectives etc. And I know personally, when I'm depressed is the time when I feel the least motivated to start any sort of creative undertaking (even if it's just making shitty doodles), but a lot of times if I can force myself to start something anyway (and as long as I don't put any pressure on myself to turn out something 'good'), it ends up actually being really therapeutic, and most of the artistic stuff I've done that I'm the happiest with is stuff I did when I felt like complete and total shit/like being dead. So I don't know if you have anything like this that you do, but you strike me as someone who would be creative, so.

Anyway, reading back over this, I hope it doesn't come across as a douchebag motivational speech, because I hate those and that isn't how I meant it.

[BIXX]

Do you think you deserve that? That's not a rhetorical question, I think you should genuinely and sincerely consider whether you deserve to be shat on for 3 hours. Why are you letting her punish you? I've let exes treat me like shit in the past. It feels a lot better when you stop letting them. If you're trying to pretend like you're fine without her, that's you doing something for her benefit, you're focusing on her. If you really want to properly move on then you need to focus on yourself, right?

My ex has been texting me the last few days and she tried to call me today but fortunately my friend rejected the call for me before I had the opportunity to press answer. She's been giving pretty lame excuses for contacting me. I'd have to be a complete imbecile to give her another opportunity to attack/abuse me or mess with my head at all, which I'm fairly sure is her intention (the other day I was stood at a bar and she came and stood next to me without acknowledging my existence in anyway - I didn't say anything to her (because I didn't want to) and can guarantee she would have had a go at me if I had; what the fuck is up with that?). It certainly used to be, but even if it isn't I really want nothing to do with her and texts and calls are making me anxious. :/ I'm afraid I'll forgive her for how she's treated me, but I really need to stay angry for my own sake, to leave those barriers up or I'm fucking screwed.

Thanks comrade. I have talked to a few friends and now I'm feeling way better about it. I realize that I actually am way better now and can move on with life.


I'm unusually nervous for a date tomorrow. I'm hoping it's because I'm stoned, but that probably isn't the reason. I hope I don't make an arse of myself.


If you do just be cute about it and everything will be alright.

[The Jay]

As I mentioned yesterday I was extremely busy that day. I did 180% my usual workload and the manager decided to keep only two people on after 6pm. Two people to transport a 300+ bed hospital.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

If capitalists in power makes everyone else's lives miserable, then we should live to make their lives miserable.

That's a good enough reason for me! (for now anyway, but i'm in my "up"-state right now)

[Quail]

Binged and purged twice in a fortnight... Which, okay, isn't much. But I'm worried about relapsing because all the eating disorder thoughts are really strong at the moment. Also, weighed in for a Judo competition at an embarrassingly high weight and that's made me feel even worse. Can barely stand to look at myself at the moment. :crying:

I realise how pathetic this all sounds, when people have real problems and I just think I'm fat, which generally isn't even a bad thing. But the fat on my body has a specific meaning to me, tied up to bad memories and trauma. It makes me feel dirty and disgusting and I want to get rid of it.

[BIXX]

I think I kinda know what you're feeling, Quail. I've been doing the same shit, either not eating or purging when I do.

Your last sentence- "It makes me feel dirty and disgusting and I want to get rid of it."- that is exactly how I feel. Most people don't seem to understand that's why I wanna lose weight, and even am willing to do super unhealthy shit to get rid of it.

[Ele'ill]

I think the only way I can afford a place, maybe, is if I take out a loan for the initial deposit costs.

Yes?


This has the potential to go either not-homeless-anymore or violently-catastrophic

[Ele'ill]

Of course, when I search for something that would even be remotely affordable month to month there isn't anything anyways. If I'm gonna work two jobs and use the apartment just to sleep I would rather just sleep on the pavement outside. Sorry to keep bringing this up in this thread but it's like it doesn't matter how hard I look I input the options and numerous apartment sites and there's just nothing there at all.

[consuming negativity]

Of course, when I search for something that would even be remotely affordable month to month there isn't anything anyways. If I'm gonna work two jobs and use the apartment just to sleep I would rather just sleep on the pavement outside. Sorry to keep bringing this up in this thread but it's like it doesn't matter how hard I look I input the options and numerous apartment sites and there's just nothing there at all.

*hug*

that is an appropriate response to half the posts in this thread but i just felt the insatiable urge to give you a hug

sorry for being weird, person on the internet

[Ele'ill]

gonna make a separate post about this

http://news.streetroots.org/2014/03/07/affordable-rental-housing-crisis-hasn-t-budged-recovery-call-redouble-our-efforts



The latest housing data released by the Census Bureau and the Department of Housing and Urban Development highlight the issue. In Multnomah County, 33,410 extremely low-income households must compete for only 11,500 affordable apartments. This represents a shortage of almost 22,000 apartments affordable to the very poor. More frightening still, this data is based on survey information from 2010, before the large increases in rental costs in the Portland area. The affordable housing shortage is surely greater now than the housing crisis depicted in this report.

.... The demand on the publicly funded emergency shelter and social service system is enormous. The wait for an emergency shelter bed in a publicly funded downtown shelter is averaging six to eight weeks.

[Quail]

Of course, when I search for something that would even be remotely affordable month to month there isn't anything anyways. If I'm gonna work two jobs and use the apartment just to sleep I would rather just sleep on the pavement outside. Sorry to keep bringing this up in this thread but it's like it doesn't matter how hard I look I input the options and numerous apartment sites and there's just nothing there at all.

I understand to a degree, though I've never been homeless. It's really hard to find anywhere affordable here, and of the affordable places most won't take people on benefits, etc. Plus paying the deposit is really difficult because who has like £800 lying around? It's ridiculous.

I'm sure you've already thought of this, but is there any way you could look for a room in a house, so that you're sharing the rent with other people? (Though I appreciate that might be difficult/risky.) Also, are there any charities locally who might be able to advise you on how best to proceed?

[Ele'ill]

I don't think I could do a roommate situation again even in the past the best situations with folks who are understanding and radical there were issues and those were 'best situations' and a lot of the rooms for rent are almost as expensive as what I'd be paying to live alone. There are fair housing and affordable housing non profit type groups but their hands are completely tied because it's just a shortage of what's probably upwards of thirty thousand units needed to begin covering the low income housing issue in this city. From what I've seen doing a bit of research section 8 is entirely closed with a 9 year wait and the subsidized housing is at almost 0 vacancies.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Most of the situations I've had with roommates have been pretty good. Maybe I've just been lucky, though.

[Sinister Intents]

I want more chocolate, I ate all of my chocolate and now I want more!!!

[cyu]

I think the only way I can afford a place, maybe, is if I take out a loan for the initial deposit costs.

Yes. Convince the bank that they can turn the loan into a security, that can then be resold to idiot bourgeois investors. If they ever come back to collect on the loan, just declare bankruptcy and walk away.

...then take out a new loan on the same terms, rinse, and repeat. All the capitalists do it - there is no other way to survive in this system.

[Ele'ill]

Most of the situations I've had with roommates have been pretty good. Maybe I've just been lucky, though.

Ya I mean I can put up with quite a bit of interpersonal bullshit and other people fighting, people making bad financial decisions, drugs, cop trouble, all that weighs into my decision too but I want to be able to walk around in a dress, cosmetics, etc.. that weighs in the most on a level of acceptance, safety, and trust.

[BIXX]

Ya I mean I can put up with quite a bit of interpersonal bullshit and other people fighting, people making bad financial decisions, drugs, cop trouble, all that weighs into my decision too but I want to be able to walk around in a dress, cosmetics, etc.. that weighs in the most on a level of acceptance, safety, and trust.


Is this something you'd feel safe doing around other people and you just want them to be accepting, or is it that you don't feel ready to do this around other people?

[Ele'ill]

Is this something you'd feel safe doing around other people and you just want them to be accepting, or is it that you don't feel ready to do this around other people?

I think most people wouldn't be accepting and would be actively alienating, hurtful, etc.. and within a permanent living space that can be intolerable and probably unsafe. I have presented at work (previous job) but it felt, at least to me, like a completely different situation.

[Sinister Intents]

I'm being extremely violent and hitting things and growling and I'm not quite sure why... This just came for no reason....

[BIXX]

I think most people wouldn't be accepting and would be actively alienating, hurtful, etc.. and within a permanent living space that can be intolerable and probably unsafe. I have presented at work (previous job) but it felt, at least to me, like a completely different situation.


So your ideal would probably be a roommate who is understanding/accepting of you presenting how you identify?


I'm being extremely violent and hitting things and growling and I'm not quite sure why... This just came for no reason....


I've been having that lately.

[Quail]

If there are any LGBT groups locally, perhaps they'd be able to suggest something. I just typed "queer roommate finder" into Google and a few websites came up, so maybe that could be an option (though they seem to be more focussed on gay/lesbian rather than trans)?

[Futility Personified]

I'm pretty worried about my body at the moment. Last night I enjoyed myself immensely, talked a bit of shite but overall didn't do anything bad. The hangovers I get now are just too much emotionally, I know there are risks for sedatives and things like valium for addictive personalities but I'm losing my shit on a daily basis. So, to the doctors to beg for drugs I go. Hopefully, if I can get prescribed something to relax me i'll be more productive and proactive with stuff.

I brought this up with my folks earlier but didn't receive a particularly positive response. They know i've got a history with drugs but it's abundantly clear that I don't take anything anymore - aside from smoking weed incredibly rarely but that's on the sly. I remember when I was younger I always used to get asked if I was on drugs just for being a weird child, this probably contributed to my enthusiasm towards them when I took it up. I can't help but feel that this unhealthy disdain for intoxicants / medications contributed to my earlier feelings of weakness / inadequacy because really, I knew something wasn't right then but wanted to "be a man" about it. It's all about coming to terms with your limitations and finding ways to cope, right now, I really do not want to feel like this.

[Ele'ill]

I don't want to clog this thread with what I personally think is my borderline moaning about the same not-new stuff over and over I mean I do want to apparently because that is exactly what I am doing but for clarification's sake it really isn't just a single barrier to getting a place. It does have to do with gender related topics, it does have to do with mental health related topics, both requiring comfort and tolerance from complete strangers, it def has to do with money both wage and unemployment amounts which I am in the process of waiting to hear back about. Also for clarification's sake at least regarding living situation and moving forward with bettering my situation all of your posts are appreciated and help which is more than I can say for what's seen by the unlucky folks unable to avoid my trail of misery in this thread and others, sorry I couldn't even contain it to this thread.

[Ele'ill]

I'm pretty worried about my body at the moment. Last night I enjoyed myself immensely, talked a bit of shite but overall didn't do anything bad. The hangovers I get now are just too much emotionally, I know there are risks for sedatives and things like valium for addictive personalities but I'm losing my shit on a daily basis. So, to the doctors to beg for drugs I go. Hopefully, if I can get prescribed something to relax me i'll be more productive and proactive with stuff.

I brought this up with my folks earlier but didn't receive a particularly positive response. They know i've got a history with drugs but it's abundantly clear that I don't take anything anymore - aside from smoking weed incredibly rarely but that's on the sly. I remember when I was younger I always used to get asked if I was on drugs just for being a weird child, this probably contributed to my enthusiasm towards them when I took it up. I can't help but feel that this unhealthy disdain for intoxicants / medications contributed to my earlier feelings of weakness / inadequacy because really, I knew something wasn't right then but wanted to "be a man" about it. It's all about coming to terms with your limitations and finding ways to cope, right now, I really do not want to feel like this.



I have heard that feeling scattered and noisy and anxious might not be treatable with typical anxiety sedatives and it's actually the opposite, treatment will involve uppers

[Os Cangaceiros]

Ya I mean I can put up with quite a bit of interpersonal bullshit and other people fighting, people making bad financial decisions, drugs, cop trouble, all that weighs into my decision too but I want to be able to walk around in a dress, cosmetics, etc.. that weighs in the most on a level of acceptance, safety, and trust.

Oh yeah, well that is a different thing. I've just been lucky in that my roommates have always been on top of their shit in terms of money, bills + rent and all that shit. And none of them have had personal habits that I've found particularly annoying.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

You know you've lost it when you find yourself writing long, mostly-political denunciations of your former friends and actually enjoying it.

[BIXX]

You know you've lost it when you find yourself writing long, mostly-political denunciations of your former friends and actually enjoying it.


Hahaha I've done that shit before.

[Brotto Rühle]

How fucking ridiculous is it that a Municipality in Canada is unable to a) maintain it's MAIN STREET or b) at least MARK OFF THE POT HOLES IN TOWN. NOT EVEN A GOD DAMN SIGN SAYING "ROUGH ROAD FOR X KMS".

GO FUCKING DIE YOU SHITTY FUCKING SHITHOLE SHIT TOWN SHIT FUCK.

300$ out of my god damn pocket, what in the fuck is that?! Poll tax me, tax me to pay for this shit, but don't maintain the roads.

:cursing:

[synthesis]

I'm pretty worried about my body at the moment. Last night I enjoyed myself immensely, talked a bit of shite but overall didn't do anything bad. The hangovers I get now are just too much emotionally, I know there are risks for sedatives and things like valium for addictive personalities but I'm losing my shit on a daily basis. So, to the doctors to beg for drugs I go. Hopefully, if I can get prescribed something to relax me i'll be more productive and proactive with stuff.

I brought this up with my folks earlier but didn't receive a particularly positive response. They know i've got a history with drugs but it's abundantly clear that I don't take anything anymore - aside from smoking weed incredibly rarely but that's on the sly. I remember when I was younger I always used to get asked if I was on drugs just for being a weird child, this probably contributed to my enthusiasm towards them when I took it up. I can't help but feel that this unhealthy disdain for intoxicants / medications contributed to my earlier feelings of weakness / inadequacy because really, I knew something wasn't right then but wanted to "be a man" about it. It's all about coming to terms with your limitations and finding ways to cope, right now, I really do not want to feel like this.

Sorry, I'm trying to understand this: Do you mean benzo hangovers, or using benzos to deal with what sounds a little like ADHD? If it's the latter, most people with ADHD (as opposed to ADD) find amphetamines (Adderall, but Vyvanse is the shit) to be very calming. Are you asking the doctors for sedatives/hypnotics or for something to get over the side effects of the sedatives/hypnotics?

Sorry if I'm being nosy; I feel like I could help a little if I knew more.

[Art Vandelay]

So hanging out with my ex is always fun, but can be a bit confusing. She is one of my best friends and always will be and we understand each other in a way which is just refreshing and awesome. That being said, there is alot that I'm always unsure of, especially when it comes to her body language. We've hooked up once since we broke up and while I don't regret it at all, it is tough to know if she ever wants to repeat that, or if we are purely friends, or just what is up. I'm not an idiot and I know that we are obviously still attracted to each other, but at the same time I don't know if she wants to act on that at all, or if its best we don't. It ends up with there being alot of sexual tension between us. I mean I know that us splitting up was for the best, it was high time I started taking care of myself, I needed to stop using her as a crutch, etc... but I guess I just wish I knew what she was thinking sometimes (she's always been able to read me better than I could her). I've also found myself worrying about whether or not I act too 'feminine' or whatever around her and whether or not she already suspects that I'm interested in men, just based on personality/comments or whatever else. While I know that its a totally stupid fear, I still can't help but have it. I've decided that I'm going to tell her I'm bi, but I'm kinda a coward, so who knows how long that will actually take. Its a totally irrational fear, we spent 5 years of our lives together and I know this person and how compassionate and empathetic she is, so I know she would be nothing but supportive and accepting, but at the same time the thought of 'coming out' terrifies me. Ugh, just wish I didn't even have to worry about any of this. Maybe it would make things more simple between us though and opening up to someone in real life about some of this stuff would probably be cathartic. I don't know though, so who knows what I end up doing.

e: I'm also just really sad tonight for reasons I don't even feel like going into, but whatever, hopefully a good nights sleep will help.

ee: life sucks sometimes and the worst part is that the reasons I feel this way are unrelated to the shit I was ranting about above. Why can't life just ever understand that sometimes you already got enough on your plate?

[Quail]

My parents usually send me some money to help pay for nursery, but they didn't this month for some reason, so this week I have a grand total of £24, which probably won't even be enough for the weekly shopping. There isn't a lot of food in the house today either, so I really do need to go shopping. This sucks. I've sent my mum a text, hopefully she just forgot or something. My financial situation is already shit and stressful. It's starting to feel unsustainable now though. :crying:

On the plus side I've hopefully arranged to do an hour a week of tuition until the A level exams, so that will be an extra £11.90 of income each week (after bus fares).

[Quail]

I did a week's worth of shopping for £13.50 :cool:
Got in touch with my parents and they forgot to send me the money for nursery, so hopefully they'll sort that out soon, and my panic is over for the time being. I'm still going to spend as little money as humanly possible for a while though. Need to build up an emergency fund for times like this in the future.

[Futility Personified]

Synthesis - No need to apologize, i'm grateful for the concern. I mean using them as a medication, I get bad anxiety (though I understand there is co-morbidity with these things sometimes) and when i'm hungover it is amplified to the point where i'm struggling to not burst out into tears. Fun!

[synthesis]

Synthesis - No need to apologize, i'm grateful for the concern. I mean using them as a medication, I get bad anxiety (though I understand there is co-morbidity with these things sometimes) and when i'm hungover it is amplified to the point where i'm struggling to not burst out into tears. Fun!

Have you tried Wellbutrin?

[Ele'ill]

Got my insurance and primary care stuff *entirely* figured out today while at work. If I die it's going to be a better death than had I not done this. Tiny quiet steps behind my own back because all of my shadows are capable of sabotage not just the one. It's a little grey cat.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I talked shop about benzos with someone for a while today, coincidentally. RHOJ, as someone who's a tranq-head and has taken a lot of benzos both legally and less-than-legally, I'd be careful about riding that tiger. I never abused those drugs, like some fools who eat 5 bars of Xanax at a time, but different people's brains react differently to them (some people think they're worthless because they can't "get high" off them like opiate pills or whatever, while other people get knocked on their asses by them). For me personally, it only took about 3 mgs of lorazepam a day for a month straight before I started to touch the void.

On the other hand, I can take diazepam every day and be fine, although I don't take benzos every day nowadays, or even every week. I'd be careful messing around with those drugs. Some people can take them every day and be fine, while other people get enslaved by them. If given the choice between benzos and dextroamphetamine salts (or some sort of amphetamine analogue), I'd definitely choose the later.

[Ele'ill]

How did you know it was becoming a problem?

[Os Cangaceiros]

You mean with the lorazepam use? I was getting very disturbing physical symptoms combined with really unstable mood swings and bad depression, and really bad "rebound anxiety". That last thing is a very common complaint with people who are coming off prescription medication for anxiety, I've found.

[BIXX]

I feel like all the people I wanna be friends with hate me.

I know it's dumb but like, a lot of people just stopped talking to me recently.

[synthesis]

I talked shop about benzos with someone for a while today, coincidentally. RHOJ, as someone who's a tranq-head and has taken a lot of benzos both legally and less-than-legally, I'd be careful about riding that tiger. I never abused those drugs, like some fools who eat 5 bars of Xanax at a time, but different people's brains react differently to them (some people think they're worthless because they can't "get high" off them like opiate pills or whatever, while other people get knocked on their asses by them). For me personally, it only took about 3 mgs of lorazepam a day for a month straight before I started to touch the void.

On the other hand, I can take diazepam every day and be fine, although I don't take benzos every day nowadays, or even every week. I'd be careful messing around with those drugs. Some people can take them every day and be fine, while other people get enslaved by them. If given the choice between benzos and dextroamphetamine salts (or some sort of amphetamine analogue), I'd definitely choose the later.

Klonopin was really like a miracle drug for me; it was the sort of thing where I noticed the absence of something I disliked more than the presence of something I did like, just off half a milligram. (Walk Hard: "You don't want none of this, Dewey!" "What does it do?" "It takes all your bad feelings and turns them into good feelings!") Xanax is only really useful if I'm coming down off coke or amphetamines, and Ativan is just "meh" all around. Valium, for me, is awesome recreationally, which is why I wouldn't want to take it as my main benzo. I'll take like 50mg of it and feel fucking great, but the prospect of diminishing returns are just too daunting.

[Le Socialiste]

I feel as though my anxiety is starting to lean into/blur with actual depression, which I haven't really experienced before. I'll be honest, it's scary - and I don't quite know how to handle it. The world just feels so broken and closed in, with no clear way out. Idk...

[Workers-Control-Over-Prod]

I feel as though my anxiety is starting to lean into/blur with actual depression, which I haven't really experienced before. I'll be honest, it's scary - and I don't quite know how to handle it. The world just feels so broken and closed in, with no clear way out. Idk...

I've never suffered from anxiety for a long time nor badly, so maybe I shouldn't comment. The times I've tried to understand my mental weaknesses there was usually always a perfectly rational reason for it, meaning something can be done against it. If you have obligations and really cannot function, then sure, take whatever drugs to make you function. Not to sound cliche, but think and ask what you need more of in your life, community, love, "meaning" (political activity), financial security etc. Notice what actions makes you feel better, what you can do to make yourself feel more secure about your life etc.
Whenever I feel like I can't get out of bed because and "the world is on your shoulders", I've learned that preparing my clothes the night before, setting the alarm on the other side of the room, running out the door to go on a walk every morning before work and maybe have a conversation with the old neighbor or girl walking her dog, raises my mood 90% of the time. It's a little difficult to keep up with the routine, but if you do it a few months it gives you some stability and routine that no one can fuck with and only you control. Who knows though.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Klonopin was really like a miracle drug for me; it was the sort of thing where I noticed the absence of something I disliked more than the presence of something I did like, just off half a milligram. (Walk Hard: "You don't want none of this, Dewey!" "What does it do?" "It takes all your bad feelings and turns them into good feelings!") Xanax is only really useful if I'm coming down off coke or amphetamines, and Ativan is just "meh" all around. Valium, for me, is awesome recreationally, which is why I wouldn't want to take it as my main benzo. I'll take like 50mg of it and feel fucking great, but the prospect of diminishing returns are just too daunting.

Last time I took Klonopin it was one milligram of those 2mg Teva tabs, and it wasn't as good as the others, I didn't think. Although I did lay around on my carpet quite a bit. That's what I mean about those drugs effecting different people differently, I much prefer Ativan to Klonopin. (Even though Ativan screwed my brain up heh)

[Sinister Intents]

Fucking flashbacks, depression nd anxiety came flooding back over me.fuck I don't want to deal with shut anymore . I'd rather die

[The Jay]

I'm tired of procrastinating but I can't help putting shit off. It is very frustrating.

Sinister, practice letting your emotions wave through you without adding to them. Experience and accept your emotions and wave them goodbye as they hit you. Be like a stream, not a rapid. The more you struggle, the more chop you'll get. Relax.

[synthesis]

Last time I took Klonopin it was one milligram of those 2mg Teva tabs, and it wasn't as good as the others, I didn't think. Although I did lay around on my carpet quite a bit. That's what I mean about those drugs effecting different people differently, I much prefer Ativan to Klonopin. (Even though Ativan screwed my brain up heh)

Well, where was your tolerance at? I think that might be a factor, if you were judging it on the basis of taking other benzos.

But maybe not. I always hear my friends talking about, "Yeah, I took 2-3mg of Klonopin, and got a decent buzz," and I just never know what they're talking about. I've never gotten a buzz off Klonopin, period, even after taking the exact same amount with a much lower tolerance, nothing like Valium and certainly not like even the most kiddie opiates. I'll just feel a lot more not-bad (which is good) as opposed to more "good."

Klonopin also just has such a long half-life that I can take it and forget about it, which has never been an option with Ativan. But benzos affect a lot of people really differently. I have a friend who was constantly hardcore fiending for more benzos until she got off Suboxone and back onto other opiates, owing to the naloxone in it, which a couple neurologists told me makes sense.

[Art Vandelay]

I never felt anything from klonopin either.

[Futility Personified]

Have you tried Wellbutrin?

Nope, I've not got any experience with medications, my friends on them told me that for the most part if you feel you don't need them, you shouldn't take them. I'm not sure of the legality of it here, but i'll say what the doctor recommends (need to re-register with my GP so that will hopefully be before the end of the week).

[Os Cangaceiros]

Well, where was your tolerance at? I think that might be a factor, if you were judging it on the basis of taking other benzos.

But maybe not. I always hear my friends talking about, "Yeah, I took 2-3mg of Klonopin, and got a decent buzz," and I just never know what they're talking about. I've never gotten a buzz off Klonopin, period, even after taking the exact same amount with a much lower tolerance, nothing like Valium and certainly not like even the most kiddie opiates. I'll just feel a lot more not-bad (which is good) as opposed to more "good."

Klonopin also just has such a long half-life that I can take it and forget about it, which has never been an option with Ativan. But benzos affect a lot of people really differently. I have a friend who was constantly hardcore fiending for more benzos until she got off Suboxone and back onto other opiates, owing to the naloxone in it, which a couple neurologists told me makes sense.

Well like I've said, I've always dosed myself with those drugs as a "normal person" would, ie I'd take 10 mgs Valium/0.5-1 mg Xanax/1 mg Klonopin/1 mg Ativan, etc. So I've kept my tolerance pretty low on purpose, so I can still gain benefits from the drug without having to swallow a pill bottle like some people do.

As far as "getting high" on benzos goes, I can kind of get that, but I think people with anxiety disorders process it differently so it doesn't really make much sense to me either. But then again people with ADD often have weird paradoxical effects with stimulant drugs, too, one of my friends supposedly has ADD (and probably a bunch of other stuff too), and he said that smoking crystal meth just made him really calm and relaxed.

[synthesis]

Yeah, I agree with all of that. I can take a quarter milligram of Klonopin per day and get what I want out of it. I definitely process benzos similarly to how people I know with ADHD process Adderall, in that it more just alleviates the problem it was actually designed to address rather than creating any euphoric effects, as it does with people who don't have the issues that the drug is prescribed for. Also like how opiates don't really get me high if I'm in extreme pain, but maybe I just don't notice.

ice pick, just to clarify, I love Klonopin, it does exactly what I want it to, I just don't get a buzz off it.


Nope, I've not got any experience with medications, my friends on them told me that for the most part if you feel you don't need them, you shouldn't take them. I'm not sure of the legality of it here, but i'll say what the doctor recommends (need to re-register with my GP so that will hopefully be before the end of the week).

You should try that (at a low dosage) before you go searching for a valium prescription. Even if you feel that you still want to take valium (and you probably will) it will make the need much more tempered and the hangovers a lot less stressful.

One thing to keep in mind with benzos is that after four months of the same dose, most people tend to go back to baseline - i.e., you have to keep taking the same dose, but you'll feel the same as you did before you started taking the medication. I'm not sure if people do this, but because of the nature of cross-tolerance (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-tolerance), you could theoretically be on, say, 1mg of Klonopin per day for four months, then 1.5 mg of Ativan per day for four months, then .75 mg of Xanax for four months, then 5mg of Valium for four months, then 1mg of Klonopin for four months again and so on.

Finally: Grapefruit juice FTW (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grapefruit%E2%80%93drug_interactions)

[Crabbensmasher]

You know, usually when people say life is hard, I ignore them. What do they know. We live in a first world country, you aren't starving to death, you're not being drafted for war, you don't have to fight to stay alive.

Yeah, but I'm having one of those times where all you can say is Yep, life can be pretty fucking hard. Posed with a decision that has the possibility of affecting my entire life. Scared as fuck. I thought I had it decided, I was still scared, but kind of resigned myself to fatalism, wanted to ride it out. Then I reluctantly asked for an opinion from a friend, it was counter to my opinion, and now I'm back at square one. Hah, I thought I had it all figured out, but then I ask one friend, and the whole things turned upside down again.

There's some shit in life where you just can't win. And honestly, everything seems so complex. Like, you can say you've decided on something, that you feel it 'in your heart', but what the fuck does that mean? I can't fucking decide. Life fucking presents you with an idea that you always know what the right decision is. The fact is, you don't. However, these same decisions I'm confronted with day-to-day are so small in comparison it doesn't really matter. When it does fucking matter, you realize decisions don't make any goddamn sense. I don't think I'll ever know what I want on this issue. At this point, If I could have someone else decide for me, I think I would. I may as well just blindly pick one. All this non-stop worrying and stressfulness is getting me absolutely nowhere. There's no way to qualitatively measure one choice over the other, so stressing to 'find the answer' when you don't fucking know it is useless. But at the same time, if I make a decision and it fucks me over, I'll lament so fucking much about not having stressed over it.

Also, I've realized that receiving comfort/solidarity is a weird thing. I don't know if it really helps, because it never has the capacity to fix the actual problem, but we do it anyway. Does it even make us feel good to receive comfort? I don't think 'good' is a word to describe it. It's solidarity, that's all I can say. When you get home, you're still going to just be a guy alone with a decision.

[Sinister Intents]

I wish I could tell my parents I don't want to go to this business college and just drop out of it and go to college in the future for what I actually want to fucking do, and nothing to fucking do with business. I wish I could tell them I'm trans and that I want to move out really bad. I can't say anything to them because I'm afraid they'll be disappointed with me and get hurt by the things I'd say, I feel really stressed and like a fucking liar. I'm tired of being referred to as male and I'm sick of being physically male.

[Five Year Plan]

I wish I could tell my parents I don't want to go to this business college and just drop out of it and go to college in the future for what I actually want to fucking do, and nothing to fucking do with business. I wish I could tell them I'm trans and that I want to move out really bad. I can't say anything to them because I'm afraid they'll be disappointed with me and get hurt by the things I'd say, I feel really stressed and like a fucking liar. I'm tired of being referred to as male and I'm sick of being physically male.

You need to do what is best for your long term interests, and if you ask me, it means breaking free from this pressure you feel to conform to your parents' expectations. Be your own woman, and explain to people you know that you are who you are. If they loved you, they wouldn't judge you for something that you cannot control and doesn't harm anybody. If nothing else, it will help to filter out all the phonies and hangers-on in your life who aren't really your friends and family. It will also show that you love yourself, and know that there's nothing wrong with it.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

So I found out that one of my "friends" (should be read as: person on the little list) tried to convince my partner to have me hospitalised. My crime? Telling a homophobic former friend that I hope they die. Well, ah, I sort of do. And I think the "friend" from the beginning of this paragraph should kindly drop dead too. Alright, at this point I'm just ranting rather than pouring my heart out - but my "heart" is currently an ugly little hate machine.

Also, for some reasons most of my friends, from kindergarten up to this point have been women - and all of them have basically used me, then turned against me. I know I'm going to catch flak for this, but I find myself balking, irrationally and involuntarily, at the thought of having another woman friend.