Tall Tales Thread

[Sasha]

thought it to be fun to start a thread for users to share their amazing stories, their funny anecdotes, you know, the tales you tell in the pub to impress people.
they dont need to be yours but lets try to keep them true(ish).


i'll start with my tale of the dead, naked lady in the locked room.

(i guess some trigger warning is in place with such a title, so yeah, trigger warning)

back when i was still working as a binman we went to pick up the dumpsters at an apartment complex which was on our route, these dumpsters always stood in a locked room in the basement where only the janitor had the keys for.
so the buildings janitor was already waiting for us when we arrived there and he already pulled most of the dumpster out and was busy with the last ones. While we where busy tipping the dumpsters in the truck this guys suddenly comes out, telling us to stop and wait for the police because he just found a dead naked woman in the last dumpster he pulled out.
so the cops come, they question us and soon enough we are allowed to continue our round.
now thats already a uncommon thing to happen but where it gets really interesting is in the police investigation.
because a woman doesnt get naked, killed and tossed in a dumpster in a locked room by herself you would think right? yet, after their investigation, questioning the janitor who had an alibi etc etc the cops didn't rule it a murder, they didn't rule it manslaughter, they didn't even rule it an accident, they ruled it suicide...
here is where it gets really weird.
turned out the woman was a psychotic-schizophreniac who ran away from a nearby clinic and sneaked into the apartment building (the tallest building in the area) with the intent to jump from the roof. Apparently its not uncommon for suicidal people with a psychosis to take their clothes of before they jump, as such the cops found a neat pile of her folded clothes on the roof's edge. her injuries where consistent with death by traumatic impact. so that explains the way she died and why she was naked, but how did she end up in the dumpster in a locked room you ask? turned out that for some reason she got cold feet from jumping of the ledge, tuned around, walked back in to the building and jumped head first in the garbage chute...

very Sherlock Holmes meats CSI right?!?

[Os Cangaceiros]

I caught a whale in a net once. Usually they (humpback whales) blow right through fishing nets like a kid on a bike hitting a spiderweb, but one time one got itself all wound up in the web. We had to cut it free with a knife. It remained perfectly still and there was a really surreal moment when I was staring directly into it's whale eye.

When we got down cutting it languidly kicked it's flukes into gear and disappeared into the ocean. If it had wanted to it could've easily have overturned our skiff just by thrashing in the water. That shit was cray. (And 100 percent true)

[Ele'ill]

I peed in an oven and didn't notice until we baked cookies the following day

[adipocere]

I once had to clean about a thousand pounds of rotting, dismembered human remains from a restaurant freezer. I had to use my hands and a big file to scrape the fat out of the bottom.

[Sinister Intents]

I once had to clean about a thousand pounds of rotting, dismembered human remains from a restaurant freezer. I had to use my hands and a big file to scrape the fat out of the bottom.

Brutal \m/

Once upon a time in Kennedy New York. Where there were backwards country folk and Amish. Three friends were celebrating ones birthday party. They had a bunch of knives with them and were just in general fucking around like most fifteen year olds do. I was 17 at the time. Little did we know we were trespassing on someone's land and we were being watched. We destroyed portions of the corn crop not knowing we were trespassing. Well, Brandon knew we were trespassing he just didn't give a flying fuck so he said nothing. We get to the corn field and we get lost in it. We eventually separated to find our way back to the road. Andrew screamed with a high pitched voice and Brandon called him "a little ***** who deserves to get raped" because Andrew screamed. We get out of the corn field frustrated and hating each other when the property owner halts us with a 12 gauge shotgun, he shot at us to show us he wasn't fucking around. He informed us that he called the cops and they were on there way. The cop arrives and he was being a complete asshole. Andrew called him a "fag" and we got in even worse trouble. The cop got our home addresses and home phone numbers and other information about us such as age. The cop made us reenact our travel through this persons property to get an idea of what happened because apparently the home owner heard Andrew's scream and accused us of raping a girl because of his other noises. The cop kept asking us if there was anyone else with us and asked where the girl was, and finally he believed us that there was no girl and we didn't know we were trespassing (even though Brandon knew) The cop leaves and the home owner starts harassing us and drives us the Brandon's grandmother's house. His grandmother blamed me for the whole ordeal even though it was Brandon's fault for knowingly putting us in harms way. Brandon's entire family starts blaming me for the event, and they would call me "nigger or Jew" This is when I started to absolutely hate Brandon and Andrew because they perpetuated that it was my fault and they would tell people shit about me that wasn't even fucking true.

[Ele'ill]

Quite some time ago at a pretty big event although not necessarily a significant one several state goons of some variety, probably just cops, addressed me by my first name as I walked past, it took me a few days to figure out the details. It was odd because at the time and place I had very little contact with cops but apparently that matters very little.

[motion denied]

I used to spend a week in my cousin's house (he lives in the country side) every vacations. Although we had much fun, I hated his bigot, racist father. On the seventh day of my stay I decided to get back on him for being such a prick: I took a shit in the bathtub.

Not to say that I'm proud or anything... But it was the best dump ever.