Pour Your Heart Out XX

[Leftsolidarity]

Apologies for the over-due new thread.

[human strike]

Let me be the first to say, I feel like shit. :(

Today was in many ways a good day, but at the end of it I'm still alone with my own grief and scared of tomorrow. I don't feel like I have the energy to make tomorrow another good day and I feel guilty that I might let people down. I'm so tired at the moment, if I had 12 hours to sleep before needing to get up rather than the 4 hours I do have then it might be slightly better... I don't feel as if I can sleep anyway.

Oh and today was the first time my girlfriend said to me that she thinks we might need to break up. Maybe she just said that so I would say why that shouldn't happen, it maybe she really thinks we should, but fuck me did I wanna die at that moment.

[skitty]

Let me be the first to say, I feel like shit. :(

Oh and today was the first time my girlfriend said to me that she thinks we might need to break up. Maybe she just said that so I would say why that shouldn't happen, it maybe she really thinks we should, but fuck me did I wanna die at that moment.Made me think of the song High Time from Workingman's Dead. Hope everything's right when you wake up...
"You told me goodbye
How was I to know
You didn't mean goodbye
You meant please don't let me go"

[Quail]

I seem to have snapped out of my feeling low and dissociated and feel fine now, though my brain is still being a bit weird. Is it possible to feel both in a good mood and on the edge of a panic attack at the same time? Apparently so. At least I've been productive now that I feel better. :)

[human strike]

Pissing off coppers and arms dealers and just being a general pain in their arse is a lot of fun. I highly recommend it if you're ever feeling down. :)

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRdhN-VQHZ-vP1KhsStwUl6_er_15WSXSKqAq4Q-Z0qUZk-iG3z

[Art Vandelay]

I am, in all honesty, an extremely repressed individual and I worry that I'll always be too much of a coward to ever take the steps I need to, to overcome that particular personal characteristic. I seriously haven't had this much of a physical reaction to emotional distress, since I made my first ever appointment with a therapist over the phone and afterwards proceeded to vomit, which was probably over a year ago. I just wish I could be happy and not constantly dislike every fucking aspect of myself and personality.

[bcbm]

blah blah nothing i really want to talk about i am drinking coffee and 100 proof whiskey at 3 am la la la everything is fuck

[bcbm]

i hate when you get mad about irrational shit in your head that ou are not sure is irrational

[Os Cangaceiros]

I got an MRI a couple days ago. If you ever had an MRI you know how messed up an experience it is...feels like your head's been locked into a giant malfunctioning fax machine. Anyway, they used that IV "dye" on me, which makes me think that there's something wrong with my brain. The technician was very evasive about me asking "is there something wrong with my brain?" She asked me if I have a follow up doctor's appointment, then I say, why, she tells me that if I had one today they could get the radiologist in there for a reading which would only take a couple minutes, which makes me think that the findings are either clear or bad in a very obvious way.

I haven't had any calls on my cell phone over the last couple days, though, you'd think they'd be trying to get in touch with me if there were something seriously wrong with my results. You'd think the doctor who ordered the damn thing would call in the results since the radiologist read the damn thing shortly after I was even in the hospital.

If something else is wrong with me I'll probably try my best to work myself up to suicide.

[bcbm]

If something else is wrong with me I'll probably try my best to work myself up to suicide.

lets go on a fuck-off good time adventure first eh?

[Art Vandelay]

If something else is wrong with me I'll probably try my best to work myself up to suicide.

I wish I had something useful to say, but I don't. I just hope everything works out best for you, regardless of what that entails and how useless this comment is.

[bcbm]

yeah seriously i hope everything is okay, sorry to be flippant before. if ya wanna talk you got my number

[Os Cangaceiros]

Thanks guys. Hopefully my results are "fine", hopefully I'm just worried for nothing, all my other doctor-ordered tests went fine, no pathology indicated. I don't understand why it's this point in my life that I get assaulted with all these physical and mental problems. :(

[Art Vandelay]

yeah seriously i hope everything is okay, sorry to be flippant before. if ya wanna talk you got my number

Eh, in all seriousness, as someone who has spent their fair share of time thinking about 'cashing out' so to speak, I'd say a 'fuck-off good time adventure' would totally be in order before the deed.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Keep getting this really weird feeling that I can't quite figure out the right word for. I sometimes feel like the world is real but I'm not really a part of it. Or maybe that I'm not even human. Everything feels sort of numb. There are things going on around me, but I am a part of nothing. I'm just this free-floating piece of consciousness that probably shouldn't even exist. It's kind of upsetting.

[Ele'ill]

I want to start drinking again.

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

Pissing off coppers and arms dealers and just being a general pain in their arse is a lot of fun. I highly recommend it if you're ever feeling down. :)

that sounds like a bad idea

[ed miliband]

just wanted to post this here, because i think it's so true and i hope some people find some hope in it like i did:


“The thing that endures, that gives value to life, is comradeship, loyalty, bravery, magnanimity, love, the relations of people in direct communication with each other. From this comes the beauty of life, its tragedy and its meaning, and from nowhere else”

[Quail]

Keep getting this really weird feeling that I can't quite figure out the right word for. I sometimes feel like the world is real but I'm not really a part of it. Or maybe that I'm not even human. Everything feels sort of numb. There are things going on around me, but I am a part of nothing. I'm just this free-floating piece of consciousness that probably shouldn't even exist. It's kind of upsetting.

I get this kind of feeling quite a bit I think. I feel a bit like an empty shell, interacting with the world but not really part of it, if that makes sense. It sounds like you're describing something similar. I think it's a relatively common symptom of anxiety.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease today.

[Art Vandelay]

My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease today.

I felt weird liking this post, so I just wanted to say that I hope that both of you and your family, will be able to take this news as best as anyone could hope to (that sounds weird too, but I hope you know what I mean) and will have access to resources which can help to manage the development of the disease. As someone who is a total momma's boy, I can't even imagine what you're going through. My condolences.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I felt weird liking this post, so I just wanted to say that I hope the both of you and your family, will be able to take this news as best as anyone could hope to (that sounds weird too, but I hope you know what I mean) and will have access to resources which can help to manage the development of the disease. As someone who is a total momma's boy, I can't even imagine what you're going through. My condolences.
Thank you. She's starting on a drug treatment tomorrow, so we'll see how she responds.

[Lobotomy]

Ugh fuck I think I'm getting auditory hallucinations right now

[Zukunftsmusik]

My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease today.

I'm sorry to hear that. Hope everything turns out the best way possible.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I'm sorry to hear that. Hope everything turns out the best way possible.
Thank you.

[Sinister Intents]

Ugghh... anxiety... why does life have to be one shitty thing after another...

[Os Cangaceiros]

I got an MRI a couple days ago. If you ever had an MRI you know how messed up an experience it is...feels like your head's been locked into a giant malfunctioning fax machine. Anyway, they used that IV "dye" on me, which makes me think that there's something wrong with my brain. The technician was very evasive about me asking "is there something wrong with my brain?" She asked me if I have a follow up doctor's appointment, then I say, why, she tells me that if I had one today they could get the radiologist in there for a reading which would only take a couple minutes, which makes me think that the findings are either clear or bad in a very obvious way.

I haven't had any calls on my cell phone over the last couple days, though, you'd think they'd be trying to get in touch with me if there were something seriously wrong with my results. You'd think the doctor who ordered the damn thing would call in the results since the radiologist read the damn thing shortly after I was even in the hospital.

If something else is wrong with me I'll probably try my best to work myself up to suicide.

whew, I got a call from my doctor today, everything looked pretty good, no overt signs of multiple sclerosis (which is what I was terrified of), although there was something the radiologist couldn't identity which was causing "abnormal signaling". Not sure what that means but I have another MRI in 3 months, hopefully that'll clear things up.

[Ceallach_the_Witch]

i've been fairly conclusively diagnosed with severe depression and i've been keeping that from my friends and family and I feel bad about it. Also it turns out that when I fell down the stairs last year I should have gone to the doctor's straight away because the lower back pain i've been suffering from since is probably permanent. Also I got an essay back and it went worse than expected.

on the upside Whyte & Mackey blended whisky is currently £13 a bottle at tescos

[human strike]

Does anyone else get this where you're friends with a couple who are both very beautiful people and they're very happy together and you're madly jealous of both of them at the same time and think they're disgusting and wish they'd keep they're disgusting beautiful happiness the fuck out of your face? Or is that just me?

[Leftsolidarity]

So after months of casual hooking-up with people and having no interest in dating, I quite suddenly started dating someone last night. Some of the people I was kind of seeing are a little salty about it because they wanted to date me but I always told them I wasn't interested. Then I start seeing this person I knew in high school for only a bit and we decided that we wanted to date.

I'm pretty excited about it even though it still feels kind of weird cuz I have this feeling that whenever I get some sort of emotionally invested with someone it can turn what was cool into a shitty situation. Here's to hoping that one of us doesn't get fucked over in the end. *bong hit

[Futility Personified]

Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and I
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their
Home, and I'm welcome no more


And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine


Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last
(But then a strange fear gripped me and I
Just couldn't ask)


Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one, da ...
Oh, I haven't got one


And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Oh, There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out

I hate being so hateful. But this place makes me so angry, the world makes me so angry... It should be the nature of every human being to be filled with love, but I am beginning to feel like an aberration because that sensation is so alien to me. Pity, compassion, yes. But mostly frustration and anger. Love? In the romantic sense, i've never felt this properly, I realise. I have one or two close friends and family that I love. The more the days stack up, everything just looks more fucked. I do not want to be so hateful, but I feel in the face of adversity, I have no real recourse. I am not christ.

[skitty]

My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease today.I just lost my dad to Parkinson's; but I believe it affects everyone differently and I'm hope, hope hoping that your mom is one of the lucky ones.

[Zukunftsmusik]

I get so miserable when I'm alone. I've barely left my room this weekend, and have done nothing but internet stuff, watching films and eaten poor dinners. I'm so tired of myself.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I get so miserable when I'm alone. I've barely left my room this weekend, and have done nothing but internet stuff, watching films and eaten poor dinners. I'm so tired of myself.

I know what you mean man, that has often been the story of my life. But it's a mixed thing for me, because I actually like being alone, if I'm around a huge group of people for days and days I get tired of it really fast, I like my privacy, but at the same time I, like everyone, crave human contact from time to time.

My best advice is to leave wherever you live and just go somewhere. I know that sounds dumb but if you're genuinely tired of your situation that's how it's going to change, by putting yourself out there. You probably won't hear a knock on your front door one day and open it to find a bunch of interesting people who also find you interesting and want to hang out :lol: I've often thought to myself, I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone, no one will like me or find me interesting. That's just incorrect, though. Of course maybe you live in an area where there's not much to do period, although I live in a relatively small, frozen city (it's -7 degrees outside right now) and there's still opportunities out there.

I had a pretty weird, crazy night last night, so I think I'm going to take a breather tonight. :unsure:

[Zukunftsmusik]

I know what you mean man, that has often been the story of my life. But it's a mixed thing for me, because I actually like being alone, if I'm around a huge group of people for days and days I get tired of it really fast, I like my privacy, but at the same time I, like everyone, crave human contact from time to time.

My best advice is to leave wherever you live and just go somewhere. I know that sounds dumb but if you're genuinely tired of your situation that's how it's going to change, by putting yourself out there. You probably won't hear a knock on your front door one day and open it to find a bunch of interesting people who also find you interesting and want to hang out :lol: I've often thought to myself, I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone, no one will like me or find me interesting. That's just incorrect, though. Of course maybe you live in an area where there's not much to do period, although I live in a relatively small, frozen city (it's -7 degrees outside right now) and there's still opportunities out there.

I like being alone from time to time too, and I really thought I'd enjoy the solitude this weekend, but it turns out I didn't. I tell myself exactly what you write here, that I should just text someone and see if they wanna hang out, it's not like I don't have friends. But at a certain point I get so miserable I don't want to take contact with anyone, even though I know that's the only way I'll break out of it.

[Yuppie Grinder]

got fired from my last job as a waiter a few months ago for being bad at it and showing up to work high
i want another job now, because money, ya kno? but also work blows and i'd rather just commit crimes free of charge than do something legal for pay
life is boring and it's hard staying based

[Landsharks eat metal]

suicidal ideation

Been fixating on the thought of slitting my throat the past few days. Probably not going to do it, and even if I did, I'd probably fuck it up; it seems like that would be a hard thing to pull off. But if I died, at least that would mean that at one point I was alive, which is something that has been seriously coming into doubt for me lately.

[Ele'ill]

I am going to get fired and I don't care at all. It's that bad. Was some place quiet doing unnecessary cleaning and when asked what I was doing I told them I was building a spaceship to escape.

[Rugged Collectivist]

So recently my sister basically said that I'm a narcissistic, insecure, unfeeling, robot. I don't know what's more disturbing: That I'm perceived as such, that it may be true, or that if it is true I don't really care.

In other news my mom is coming over for thanksgiving where she will undoubtedly try to talk to me about college. I have to tell her I quit eventually but I think it might actually kill her. That may be overly dramatic but at the very least she would be very upset and that's a conversation I'd rather avoid.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I had like a total mental breakdown today in the shower. Afterwards I sat there and looked at my life right now and realized there's about 4 things in my life right now that get me to even get out of bed, which give me a little solace in existence.
1. Probably 4 friends I consider really good close friends, one of which I actually hang out with often. One of them is my 16 year old cousin, which honestly makes me feel like more of a loser than I already think I am.
2. Music. Both playing it and listening to it.
3. Taking shits. Weird but I can sit there on the toilet for 45 minutes thinking, reading, etc, and it feels good most of the time. I think everybody in the house thinks I masturbate there.
4. Taking hot showers for much the same reason as #3, except for I can just lay there and let the warm water rush over my body the whole time.

Today the water was hot for about five minutes then it got really cold and wouldnt come back and it's like I just fucking broke down, like it was the straw that broke the camels back. Got really mad and started cussing and pulling at my hair. It's so fucking stupid...

[Os Cangaceiros]

1. Probably 4 friends I consider really good close friends, one of which I actually hang out with often. One of them is my 16 year old cousin, which honestly makes me feel like more of a loser than I already think I am.


Dude that's a bunch of "really good close friends". Personally I have two friends who are my "best friends" (I don't really like that phrase but it's the best descriptive phrase I could think of), then probably five or six people who I consider to be friends but who would possibly crack and say my name under police interrogation, then a whole host of assorted "friends & acquaintances" who I'll smile at and make small talk with, many of whom would only get a passing frown when I learn that they've been flattened by a passing semi-truck.

Trust me, if you have four good friends, you're doing good. A lot of times people use the word "friend" very loosely.

[#FF0000]

1. Probably 4 friends I consider really good close friends, one of which I actually hang out with often. One of them is my 16 year old cousin, which honestly makes me feel like more of a loser than I already think I am.


Yeah I'm gonna echo what Os Cangaceiros said -- that is hella close friends. I don't think I could say I have that many, or even any at this point. I've got tons of people who I like and who like me, who I'd do a lot for, who would do a lot for me, but who I don't think I can call "close friends".

They're a very rare thing.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Yeah, like I said, it's one of the only things that gets me out of bed. It's Friday, I'm gonna shower and go play guitar with Frank for a couple hours. At least I have that you know? But that shower failed me and I freaked out. And when I say I have 4 close friends I mean I have about 4 friends. All the rest I haven't even talked with in a long time(all of a sudden when I don't have money I'm a lot less fun to hang out with or something) but these 4 people are the ones I take my time to be friends with, they somewhat understand me. Which sucks because I used to associate with a lot of people who are now gone. Once in a while I'll get a call or text from someone that I haven't talked to in years saying want to go to a show or something but I don't have money. Why must everything cost money :glare:

[cyu]

I'm heading out to California this January. definitely the Bay Area

How solid is this? Are the tickets already booked? I have high hopes that this will be just the change of scenery you need.

[Quail]

I feel bad about posting this because it seems really stupid and self-absorbed, but I want to get it out of my head.

I am feeling very "off" in my mind and it's hard to put a finger on what exactly is wrong. I don't feel depressed or even really unhappy, in fact I've been feeling pretty good the past few weeks despite some trouble with anxiety. Which forms part of the problem, in that it doesn't make sense to me to feel both good and energised and anxious simultaneously, kind of like listening to two songs at once? It kind of jars and doesn't feel right. I am also not convinced I am thinking completely rationally about things, but it's hard to separate things my mind has invented and projected onto other people and what other people actually think, if that makes sense. For example my judo club has taken orders for hoodies, which usually have silly nicknames on them (which we don't find out until we get it) and I am worried that mine will be really bad, although the captain of the club said it wasn't bad, most of them are fairly nice, etc. But then I wonder if they're just saying that, and it is actually the worst thing I can think of and they're trying to humiliate me because they don't like spending time with me. I'm also somewhat plagued by the idea that (insert person here) actually doesn't like me and they're either pretending to like me or they just haven't realised yet that I am utterly undeserving of any kind of love or respect. I feel convinced that everyone here, everyone in meetings I attend IRL, etc., thinks I don't know anything and I talk rubbish so I feel bad about posting or saying anything respectively. But, despite all this odd negative stuff, I actually feel fine and better than usual? I am actually finding it difficult to "tolerate" feeling okay, in that when my mood is higher than usual I find myself getting urges to binge and purge, cut myself and drink (although I am trying hard not to act upon the former two) which doesn't make sense either? Apparently feeling positive emotions is as intolerable to me as negative emotions, or what? I just don't really understand how I'm feeling.

I'm going to keep a mood diary I think and see if I can spot any patterns. Then I should see the doctor again and remind her that I'd like a referral to the mental health team since I didn't go to my last appointment and didn't make another one.

[cyu]

I am utterly undeserving of any kind of love or respect.

You do realize that's just the depression talking right? I'm sure you wouldn't say the same of anybody else who posts in this thread, even if they think the same of themselves, and would never think that of you. (Personally I think you're pretty awesome in many ways - I won't get into it all here for the sake of appropriateness ;) Anyway, I'm sure logically you do know it's just the depression talking, but emotionally it may be hard not to feel like that.


I am worried that mine will be really bad and they're trying to humiliate me because they don't like spending time with me

I'm not quite sure exactly how I've arrived at my current views on things like this, but at some point (maybe while reading everything2.com) I decided that what people are proud or ashamed of is completely determined by the culture / subculture around them - ie. it's a social construct. And since we are a part of that social circle, we actually can play a role in shaping it. Those who practice enough at shaping cultural pride or shame basically become the types of "leaders" that do not need military superiority to get things done.

Ultimately I decided that whatever you or I am proud or ashamed of, has no basis in anything concrete - it is all "arbitrary". However, if we as social revolutionaries want to create the type of society we want to live in, then it is our job to "engineer" the system of cultural pride, such that it helps provide a better life for everyone involved.

[Art Vandelay]

I am also not convinced I am thinking completely rationally about things, but it's hard to separate things my mind has invented and projected onto other people and what other people actually think, if that makes sense. For example my judo club has taken orders for hoodies, which usually have silly nicknames on them (which we don't find out until we get it) and I am worried that mine will be really bad, although the captain of the club said it wasn't bad, most of them are fairly nice, etc. But then I wonder if they're just saying that, and it is actually the worst thing I can think of and they're trying to humiliate me because they don't like spending time with me. I'm also somewhat plagued by the idea that (insert person here) actually doesn't like me and they're either pretending to like me or they just haven't realised yet that I am utterly undeserving of any kind of love or respect. I feel convinced that everyone here, everyone in meetings I attend IRL, etc., thinks I don't know anything and I talk rubbish so I feel bad about posting or saying anything respectively.

I feel like this alot of the time too. One of the main reasons I turn down invitations to hang out with people, is because I convince myself that I'm only being invited cause these people pity me, or that when I am out everyone I am with are talking behind my back or making fun of me when I leave the room. I've also probably had something like a dozen lengthy posts typed up over the past few weeks that I just delete and don't post cause I feel incapable of adding any sort of intelligent contribution to discussions, or that I'll just get jumped on and called an idiot if I do. I'm not sure what it is that causes people with mental illness, who are generally pretty awesome people, to have so much self doubt and things of that nature. I think its pretty safe to say when it comes to stuff like this, as you said, these types of thoughts don't stem from rationality. Anyways one thing is for certain and that is that you most definitely deserve to be loved and respected, I think practically everyone deserves as much.
---

Ive started to realize that the only time I feel even moderately content is when I am working. I've also been feeling like I'm watching whatever progress I had managed to make, as far as my mental health is concerned, slowly evaporate and I dont know how to stop it. I'm certainly still in a better place than I have been in the past, but is this really the best things can get? Never happy, just blah with lingering sadness that rushes to the forefront whenever I'm not distracted from my thoughts, while I sit around waiting to be plunged back into a depressive episode again? If so, what's the point?

[Lily Briscoe]

I finally have something depressing to contribute to this thread.

My best friend growing up (who I hadn't heard from in about 8 years) was in the area briefly last weekend and she got in touch with me, so we met up for drinks and to catch up. I thought it would be fun but it turned out to be a major downer.

IDK, I don't feel okay about airing somebody else's dirty laundry on the internet without them knowing about it, even in this sort of a context, so I'm not gonna go into the specifics (which might make this post sort of incomprehensible). But just the way things turned out with her and her brothers was really upsetting (even though none of it came as a surprise at all really). She also went on a couple loud rants about people on welfare (she works at an auto mechanic place and kept talking about people on welfare coming in to get the oil changed in their mercedez and paying with some government voucher, or people going to the grocery store and using their foodstamps to buy lobster), and seemed pretty disgusted that I'm in a relationship with someone of the same sex, which was really kind of shocking because she never used to be like that at all.

I actually threw up when I got home that night, and have felt slightly sick to my stomach since. We got some bad appetizers (she insisted that we 1. go somewhere I'd never been, and 2. pick somewhere that looked like a complete dive, and lo and behold, it was awful), but I think it was more the whole experience rather than the food. It's not even that I was expecting her lifestory to be particularly different than it was, but it was still just hard to see it I guess. And I'm sure she found plenty of the stuff I told her about how things unfolded for me to be depressing too, but I'm fortunately really happy now, whereas she seems pretty much completely miserable and trapped. IDK, it's just very sad to think about when we were little and then the way a lot of things happened, and it's been bringing me down a little bit the last couple days. But I'll shake it.

[Leftsolidarity]

when it seems like everything is on the up and up, life likes to stop by and drop the biggest fucked up situation i think i've been in into my lap. thanks life, go fuck yourself. i'll be in the corner wallowing in my self-pity.

[human strike]

I feel bad about posting this because it seems really stupid and self-absorbed, but I want to get it out of my head.

I am feeling very "off" in my mind and it's hard to put a finger on what exactly is wrong. I don't feel depressed or even really unhappy, in fact I've been feeling pretty good the past few weeks despite some trouble with anxiety. Which forms part of the problem, in that it doesn't make sense to me to feel both good and energised and anxious simultaneously, kind of like listening to two songs at once? It kind of jars and doesn't feel right. I am also not convinced I am thinking completely rationally about things, but it's hard to separate things my mind has invented and projected onto other people and what other people actually think, if that makes sense. For example my judo club has taken orders for hoodies, which usually have silly nicknames on them (which we don't find out until we get it) and I am worried that mine will be really bad, although the captain of the club said it wasn't bad, most of them are fairly nice, etc. But then I wonder if they're just saying that, and it is actually the worst thing I can think of and they're trying to humiliate me because they don't like spending time with me. I'm also somewhat plagued by the idea that (insert person here) actually doesn't like me and they're either pretending to like me or they just haven't realised yet that I am utterly undeserving of any kind of love or respect. I feel convinced that everyone here, everyone in meetings I attend IRL, etc., thinks I don't know anything and I talk rubbish so I feel bad about posting or saying anything respectively. But, despite all this odd negative stuff, I actually feel fine and better than usual? I am actually finding it difficult to "tolerate" feeling okay, in that when my mood is higher than usual I find myself getting urges to binge and purge, cut myself and drink (although I am trying hard not to act upon the former two) which doesn't make sense either? Apparently feeling positive emotions is as intolerable to me as negative emotions, or what? I just don't really understand how I'm feeling.

I'm going to keep a mood diary I think and see if I can spot any patterns. Then I should see the doctor again and remind her that I'd like a referral to the mental health team since I didn't go to my last appointment and didn't make another one.

Maybe I'm just projecting, but it sounds like you feel as if you don't deserve to be happy or even just okay. I don't think it's unusual for people to grasp onto feelings of depression and self-pity and not relinquish them - I know I've often found it easier to feel sorry for myself than actually try to work through my problems. At the moment whenever I start to feel okay at all, even just temporarily, I instantly feel guilty because I don't think I deserve to feel okay. In the past I dealt with these feelings worse than I do now - not that I deal with them that great now - I'd feel as sorry for myself as I could and shun any positive feelings. But I know that if there's going to be any chance of my situation improving, of becoming a better person and actually deserving of happiness, then I need to feel a certain amount of joy and love to be able to work at getting there.

I'm so tired and feel so stressed. My situation is so delicate I feel as if at any moment I could be plunged into an inescapable despair or everything could work out after all - neither is going to happen, at least not for a long time most likely, but not knowing and feeling fairly powerless to do much about it except keep my head is emotionally shattering. Every day feels like an age, but the last two weeks is like a blur. I'm determined to make things better, I'm just afraid that if I have to do it on my own I won't have the strength.

I've no plans for today and I'm still in bed. This isn't a good sign. I've no plans for tomorrow either. :/

[Landsharks eat metal]

How solid is this? Are the tickets already booked? I have high hopes that this will be just the change of scenery you need.

100% set. I bought a plane ticket a few months ago when I realized I had to commit to either moving away or killing myself. I still have to figure out some of the logistics of how I'm getting there, and where I'm going to end up, but it's definitely something I'm planning on doing. Unless my parents find out my plan, in which case they probably could and would talk me out of it, or if I decide that killing myself would be a better plan, which doesn't seem quite as likely at this point.

[Ele'ill]

Got a place to stay by myself tonight and tomorrow, friend is out of town. I am going to drink pumpkin ale and warm sake (by the bottles all night long) and pass out some time tomorrow morning and sleep. Also going to shower, I'm sure everyone at work will be thrilled.

[cyu]

they probably could and would talk me out of it

Damn, why would they want to do that? Well, maybe they can't see that what isn't a prison for some people (wardens, plantation owners, bigots, capitalists) may be a prison for others (inmates, slaves, minorities, wage slaves)...

[Questionable]

I'm so fucking tired of the boys' club that exists within college-age men.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Damn, why would they want to do that? Well, maybe they can't see that what isn't a prison for some people (wardens, plantation owners, bigots, capitalists) may be a prison for others (inmates, slaves, minorities, wage slaves)...
Unfortunately, they are currently part of what's making me miserable here but don't seem to realize it.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I'm lonely on thanksgiving guys. :crying: I sent a few text messages to some of my friends and my girlfriend but no one has responded yet. I wish I had my family here.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I still have a 60 mg tablet of morphine left, I'm debating whether to dig into that and medicate my seasonal depression away or wait just in case someone wants to do something later tonight...:unsure:

[Art Vandelay]

I still have a 60 mg tablet of morphine left, I'm debating whether to dig into that and medicate my seasonal depression away or wait just in case someone wants to do something later tonight...:unsure:

I don't know, to me it sounds like it will be a cool night either way.

[bcbm]

I'm lonely on thanksgiving guys. :crying: I sent a few text messages to some of my friends and my girlfriend but no one has responded yet. I wish I had my family here.

you stopped texting me back and missed me getting really, really drunk and eating truckstop diner food at 3 am.

[Futility Personified]

I feel guilty... I might have a chance to do some journalism at a local level about local politics, my mother, the woman who spewed me out of her womb, wasn't terribly pleased with what i'm planning to write about this opportunity (I think it'll make for an interesting radical's perspective about electioneering processes and perhaps a chance to attract interest in my writing) and started getting agitated about it. She's obsessively paranoid about anything critiquing the status quo, and though I love her, she is, quite frankly, an idiot. She started gibbering on and I couldn't help but snap at her, snap at my older brother, in pretty unkind terms, before storming off. It's the sort of behaviour you expect from a teenager. They do my fucking head in, it's not an easy place to live in and they do both have their fair share of problematic behaviours, but you shouldn't behave like that to people.... Everyone has just gotten on my nerves so much recently. I'm kinda hoping that some drunk will start on me when I walk to my friend's house later, just so I have someone I can fight. Until I get my head kicked in that is! :lol:

[Ele'ill]

second person in two days just put their hands on me (not including the baby guy who is mad at me because they refused to move in their chair and had my pack strap touch their head for one second, they just plowed into the side of my head a minute ago on purpose to show me who was boss, what a hardman)

[Leftsolidarity]

i think i'll be ending my friendship with who used to be my best friend since freshman year and has been in my band since then. this blows but i don't think i'll be able to keep my cool with him anymore.

[Ele'ill]

started watching videos on liveleak yeah fuck that never again when in a bad mental space (or ever)

[Os Cangaceiros]

I don't know, to me it sounds like it will be a cool night either way.

I ended up taking that tablet and damn, it kicked my ass. I've always been somewhat sensitive to opioids, though.

That opiate high of fading in-and-out of consciousness and getting that warm "brain fog" feeling feels pretty good though.

[Sasha]

I fucking hate having a panic disorder, how the fuck can I go toe to toe with knivewielding nazis without breaking a sweat yet I just failed the easiest technical exam in shit I do faultless on a daily basis.
Shit is so fucked up...

[The Feral Underclass]

^Are you diagnosed with a panic disorder? Tests are incredibly stressful for any person. Being confident in fighting Nazi's doesn't necessarily mean you have to be confident in taking an exam.

[The Feral Underclass]

started watching videos on liveleak yeah fuck that never again when in a bad mental space (or ever)

Yeah, that's not a good idea.

[Sasha]

^Are you diagnosed with a panic disorder?

yeah i am, i became so much better after starting on my ritalin now for a year that i thought this exam would be walk in the park, then this morning i failed on reasonable mistakes, still obviously stress related as i do those things daily without a hitch but then this afternoon i got a re-exam and i just froze up, people around me where failing and got send away (you do the exams with 3 at the same time) the raw wood i was sawing on the electric saw got stuck and instead of just puling it back i took my hands of from it, fucking dangerous so they failed me rightly but fucking bizarre as its something i would normally never do. luckily the teacher saw how it happened and that it was the surrounding and not my lack of skills so she only wrote down one fail so i still have 2 more shots in januari (probably even more if i give proof i'm diagnosed with an an panic disorder) so i should be good eventually, but yeah, it so fucking sucks to fail yourself that way, this is my job, its stuff i do daily, i should do this without breaking a sweat..

[The Feral Underclass]

yeah i am, i became so much better after starting on my ritalin now for a year that i thought this exam would be walk in the park, then this morning i failed on reasonable mistakes, still obviously stress related as i do those things daily without a hitch but then this afternoon i got a re-exam and i just froze up, people around me where failing and got send away (you do the exams with 3 at the same time) the raw wood i was sawing on the electric saw got stuck and instead of just puling it back i took my hands of from it, fucking dangerous so they failed me rightly but fucking bizarre as its something i would normally never do. luckily the teacher saw how it happened and that it was the surrounding and not my lack of skills so she only wrote down one fail so i still have 2 more shots in januari (probably even more if i give proof i'm diagnosed with an an panic disorder) so i should be good eventually, but yeah, it so fucking sucks to fail yourself that way, this is my job, its stuff i do daily, i should do this without breaking a sweat..

That sucks. I'm sorry that happened. I can empathise with how frustrating that must have been. Now you know what to look for, hopefully you will get it right next time. Good luck with it.

[#FF0000]

For the past six months or so, all I wanted is a chance to spend time with one person and $200 so I can get out of here. And it seems like no matter what I do, there is always some obscure detail, some left-field occurrence outside of my control, that keeps things from turning out the right way.

[cyu]

you stopped texting me back and missed me getting really, really drunk and eating truckstop diner food at 3 am.


Wish I coulda been there :grin:

[Landsharks eat metal]

I am the most hideous person alive. Well, I guess I realize that's not true, but it's hard to stop myself from believing it.

Either way, I feel like I have no right to exist. I'm just a mistake of the universe. Yet I want to be treated like a worthy human when I can't even think of myself in those terms

[Il Medico]

I am the most hideous person alive. Well, I guess I realize that's not true, but it's hard to stop myself from believing it.

Either way, I feel like I have no right to exist. I'm just a mistake of the universe. Yet I want to be treated like a worthy human when I can't even think of myself in those terms
Hey, listen. This shit will end. I can't say it will be soon or that it will never come back, but it will end. Everything does. You'll wake up one day somehow better and slowly, or perhaps all at once, sharp objects and tall buildings will lose their appeal and you'll start to feel alive again. Then, maybe, you'll be inspired one day to do something big. Slowly, that something big will make you feel even more alive and worth while. Eventually, you'll feel that maybe you actually aren't worthless and deserve something out of this life. You'll still have that nagging voice in the back of your head telling you otherwise, no doubt, but you won't believe him anymore. It may not fall out exactly like that for you or in that order, but you'll eventually get to the point were you can say you're okay and actually mean it. You just got to keep going.

[human strike]

I think for the first time in my life I really don't want to live anymore.

[bcbm]

man seasonal depression is rolling into this forum like a hurricane. take some vitamin d supplements and watch some corny, happy 90s movie guys. it'll be okay :unsure:

[human strike]

man seasonal depression is rolling into this forum like a hurricane. take some vitamin d supplements and watch some corny, happy 90s movie guys. it'll be okay :unsure:

I watched some 70s Doctor Who with a friend and after that and some self-reflection I do feel a lot better. I mean maybe this is just some kind of rapid mood swing or I'm giddy from low blood sugar or something but, fuck it, I'm alive and I can fix this fucked up situation because what I'm suffering from isn't depression, it's grief, and I can take the initiative to sort things if I give up up on the pathetic self-loathing and self-imposed guilt, stop punishing myself for something I haven't done and actually make things right.

EDIT: I didn't take vitamin D but I did take some 5-HTP - maybe that explains the change of mood. Serotonin! I remember you. So much better than dopamine. lol

[La Comédie Noire]

Sigh, my sister on top of being an alcoholic and a drug addict has decided to take part in the lower white working class tradition of beefing with people over petty stupid shit that doesn't matter.

She doesn't live with us, but when she was over for Thanksgiving she was worried about people "rolling through".

I don't know. I meet people who are really into drugs and having them widely available and while I agree they should be decriminalized that shit just seems to destroy some people.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Sigh, my sister on top of being an alcoholic and a drug addict has decided to take part in the lower white working class tradition of beefing with people over petty stupid shit that doesn't matter.


Lower white working class tradition? Hell, that's a human tradition. :lol:

[Sinister Intents]

For almost three or four years I've done this out of brutal anxiety and depression I feel that comes and goes. I tear away bits of flesh on my hands, I rip my hands open until they bleed and the spots are very noticeable anymore and people are asking what they are... I just explain I'm self destructive. It's not just my hands, I claw my skin open on my belly and claw the skin open on my legs and watch myself bleed. I'm getting so sick of ripping my skin open and I'm struggling to stop. The scars look bad, yet I tear through them. I let them heal, but then I fucking start back up over anxiety because I can't fucking let go of things. I'm also falling back into being suicidal... I'm just so fucking sick of the roller coaster of life and these fucking cycles I go through that don't seem to fucking end.

[ÑóẊîöʼn]

On the first day of work at a job, phoning up and explaining why I'm going to be late is better than just turning up late, right? I'm not sure admitting that I forgot to rearrange my schedule was such a smart move, though.

I've been lucky enough to land a part-time job on the merits of my CV, and I feel like I'm already screwing it up.

[La Comédie Noire]

Absolutely explain why you are late, if possible give them 3 hours or more of notice. It will definitely be a demerit to you for awhile, but if you get in there and prove yourself they'll forget about it in no time.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Man, with some people you just learn not to ask about their pasts. I grew up with basically an idyllic childhood (it's amazing that I turned out the way I did, really), really solid white middle class hang-Christmas-ornaments-on-the-tree-with-my-parents shit, and sometimes I forget that other people were less lucky. The person I'm going out with now, I ask her about her past and it just sounds like a horror show of parents who were hardcore substance abusers, foster care, sexual abuse, homelessness etc. and it all gets explained to me in the manner of someone describing what they had for lunch that day :unsure:

[Os Cangaceiros]

I also heard this insane story last night from this guy at a social gathering I attended, I noticed in casual conversation that this one guy said he was on parole, I asked how long, and it turned out he was on parole for 10+ years for violating his terms of release after being arrested for basically being a professional car thief, by shooting/pistol whipping two people and then getting ran down by the cops with half an ounce of cocaine in his car.

He even claimed to have stolen the car of one of the famous senators of my state. I'm sure some of that story was embellished but I want it to be true.

[Yuppie Grinder]

I find it suspicious how whenever violence against women or an invasion of bodily autonomy is brought up a few stalinists have to side with the oppressers and give ignorant half-baked arguments
it's almost as if there interest in communism stems from a love of discipline and general distaste for other humans rather than empathy for others who struggle

[Quail]

I feel as though people put my decisions and feelings down to mental health problems too much and I am kind of questioning my ability to make any decisions, doubting my own feelings even. Some people tell me I'm crazy when I tell them I'm upset about something (and this has been going on for a long time with loads of people in my life), or put important life decisions I feel pretty damn sure about down to my mental health. I don't know. I don't even know if I can trust any of my thoughts.

[human strike]

I watched some 70s Doctor Who with a friend and after that and some self-reflection I do feel a lot better. I mean maybe this is just some kind of rapid mood swing or I'm giddy from low blood sugar or something but, fuck it, I'm alive and I can fix this fucked up situation because what I'm suffering from isn't depression, it's grief, and I can take the initiative to sort things if I give up up on the pathetic self-loathing and self-imposed guilt, stop punishing myself for something I haven't done and actually make things right.

EDIT: I didn't take vitamin D but I did take some 5-HTP - maybe that explains the change of mood. Serotonin! I remember you. So much better than dopamine. lol

Despite this short-lived optimism, I'm really not feeling well. I feel like a piece of my soul has been ripped out leaving behind a gaping wound. It's scary how weak and fragile I feel. Every minute is a struggle. I need something to live for rather than feeling like I'm just waiting for an impending doom. What's the point of this waiting, existing for the sake of it, if I'm in so much pain and hurting the people I love?

[Art Vandelay]

Despite this short-lived optimism, I'm really not feeling well. I feel like a piece of my soul has been ripped out leaving behind a gaping wound. It's scary how weak and fragile I feel. Every minute is a struggle. I need something to live for rather than feeling like I'm just waiting for an impending doom. What's the point of this waiting, existing for the sake of it, if I'm in so much pain and hurting the people I love?

I used to think that all the time as well, hell I still do from time to time. I really think its one of the better examples of the ways in which mental illness frames our perception in such twisted ways. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you've never hurt the people you love, I simply don't know you, but what I do feel confidant in saying is that we all hurt the people we love from time to time; it simply stems from the messy and complicated nature of the human condition and interpersonal relationships. It certainly doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. I think forgiving yourself for however you hurt people you care about, while in the throes of mental illness, is pretty important (can't say I've managed to yet, still beat myself up over alot of things most days, but its a good goal to set). I also feel like I should probably say, that cashing out would cause alot more pain to the people you love, than your existence does. I know alot of the times I get like that, I get into this mindset where I feel like my existence can be summed up or measured, by this altruistic +/- scale and I always feel like I fall way into the minus and I'm a shitty person. When I get like that though, I try to think of what it would do to my mom if I committed suicide. I don't know what your relationship with your family is like, but everyone has someone in their life (be if family, friend, romantic partner, etc) who would be absolutely devastated by your loss. I'm certainly not the type of person who thinks suicide is selfish (its your life, no one else and you shouldn't have to live it in pain), whats selfish is guilt tripping someone into sticking around when they truly don't want to, all I know is that I don't want my last action in life to be one that destroys my mom; leaving her wondering if she missed a sign, if she failed me somehow, if there was something that she could of done, etc. Anyways not sure what the point of saying all that was, but don't lose hope. I can't stand when people tell me to have faith things will get better, faith is an absolute bullshit conviction, but what I do know is that when you lose all hope, you end up in a pretty dark place. Things can and do get better (not perfect, or even great, but better) if you stick around long enough.


I feel as though people put my decisions and feelings down to mental health problems too much and I am kind of questioning my ability to make any decisions, doubting my own feelings even. Some people tell me I'm crazy when I tell them I'm upset about something (and this has been going on for a long time with loads of people in my life), or put important life decisions I feel pretty damn sure about down to my mental health. I don't know. I don't even know if I can trust any of my thoughts.

Ugh I'm sorry to hear that. I remember when I was in the middle of a depressive episode and I actually became convinced I was losing my mind/going crazy. There is nothing worse than feeling like you can't trust your thoughts, because if you can't trust yourself, than who can you? I think you should probably try to keep in mind, that your mental illness (even if its driven you to make illogical/irrational decisions in the past), does not take away from the fact that you are a very intelligent individual, who is more than capable of choosing what is best for herself. If you think you've come to proper conclusions about important life decisions, I think you should trust that; I'm not saying rush into decisions, or not go back and do more thinking on them, but when you know, you know. There is no reason to let people make you feel like you're crazy or incapable of making decisions about your life and I'm pretty sure those probably weren't their intentions. When it comes down to it, its your life and you're the one who is going to have to live it, so do what you think is best, not anyone else.

[human strike]

I used to think that all the time as well, hell I still do from time to time. I really think its one of the better examples of the ways in which mental illness frames our perception in such twisted ways. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you've never hurt the people you love, I simply don't know you, but what I do feel confidant in saying is that we all hurt the people we love from time to time; it simply stems from the messy and complicated nature of the human condition and interpersonal relationships. It certainly doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. I think forgiving yourself for however you hurt people you care about, while in the throes of mental illness, is pretty important (can't say I've managed to yet, still beat myself up over alot of things most days, but its a good goal to set). I also feel like I should probably say, that cashing out would cause alot more pain to the people you love, than your existence does. I know alot of the times I get like that, I get into this mindset where I feel like my existence can be summed up or measured, by this altruistic +/- scale and I always feel like I fall way into the minus and I'm a shitty person. When I get like that though, I try to think of what it would do to my mom if I committed suicide. I don't know what your relationship with your family is like, but everyone has someone in their life (be if family, friend, romantic partner, etc) who would be absolutely devastated by your loss. I'm certainly not the type of person who thinks suicide is selfish (its your life, no one else and you shouldn't have to live it in pain), whats selfish is guilt tripping someone into sticking around when they truly don't want to, all I know is that I don't want my last action in life to be one that destroys my mom; leaving her wondering if she missed a sign, if she failed me somehow, if there was something that she could of done, etc. Anyways not sure what the point of saying all that was, but don't lose hope. I can't stand when people tell me to have faith things will get better, faith is an absolute bullshit conviction, but what I do know is that when you lose all hope, you end up in a pretty dark place. Things can and do get better (not perfect, or even great, but better) if you stick around long enough.


You're absolutely right, of course. All I want is to be a good person and make happy the people who make me happy. It's just when I fuck up I drive those people away and I can't stand it; it makes me feel alone and yeah like I deserve to suffer. I definitely don't feel like there's really anyone I can talk to as much as I'd like to. I've signed up for some counseling but the waiting list is so long it could be January before I get to see anyone and that seems like a lifetime away right now. I think I just need to focus on organising. If I'm busy and feeling like I'm doing something that is actually helping people maybe I can just about stay sane. If I can give my existence meaning without placing too much hope (or any hope?) on anything that might not happen, maybe I can survive. I still don't like this idea of surviving though - it's not all that appealing right now.

[Rugged Collectivist]

I finally told my mom that I quit college and she didn't disown me but we had a conversation about it and I'm starting to regret my decision. I really want to go to college but I'm still not sure what to study and failing two classes is going to fuck up my financial aid and my ability to re enroll. I do this shit all the time. All my life I've always quit things that were too hard and it's always come back to bite me in the ass. Why couldn't I just tough it out for the semester? I was pretty sure I made the right decision and then I have one conversation and all of my plans come unraveled. Part of me regretted dropping out from the start but I decided it was the logical choice and I was making plans to go into a new career. I feel like I have to go back though. If I don't give it a genuine try then I'll wonder for the rest of my life what could have been and it will gnaw at my soul. I'm trying to get health insurance and once I do that I should be able to go on ADD medication again. I haven't really taken it since the third grade but from what I remember it made me really good at school work so I'm hoping to will help me again. That is, if I can get back in. I want to switch majors I think. The only school the offers the major I want is the really expensive one that I can't afford even with financial aid and I have to pay off the money I already owe so I can re apply for aid and since I failed two out of three classes for this semester I might not even be accepted. I don't think suicide has ever seemed so appealing to me. I seriously doubt I'll do it at this point, it's not the first time I really wanted to so I'm pretty good at telling myself no, but it seems like a perfect idea.

[cyu]

I don't even know if I can trust any of my thoughts.
In some sense, this should be partially true of all revolutionaries fighting a system of pro-capitalist propaganda. If oil companies happen to own your politicians, and scientists are saying something that will cut into oil company profits, then oil tycoons will start a religion that attempts to spread fear, uncertainty, and doubt about what the scientists are saying.

The more control over the mass media that capitalists have in these societies, quite honestly, the less anybody in those societies should trust anything they've been taught.

[Ele'ill]

can't even be with old friends because of work/money this world is so fucked up and I don't think any of that matters though anymore. I remember what friends are like and what normal healthy social interactions are like and I desire that but I don't desire it from here. What I don't desire is myself, here, which isn't going to ever change. I feel like I walk through spaces trying to find secrets in my memory like a map but the thoughts and experiences are growing dull and their meaning has no edge like it used to and everything is impossible to find - things have gotten bad it's like i don't like people and i resent people when they come up and try to be nice or be social or whatever it is they're doing it's like hey i'm not healthy enough to interact with you, you are wasting your time because the emotions you hope or expect to elicit from me i can't offer- oh hey old friends i can't be familiar i can't find it

[Ele'ill]

i just can't have friends with these feelings it isn't fair to folks, I can't be around random people because I find their not understanding even if respectful or unnoticed to be too much to handle

[human strike]

My (sort of) ex sent me a text asking me not to be somewhere tomorrow night. She's basically just asked me to change my plans so she can get off with someone else. That might seem like a big assumption but it's a pretty safe one - at least it's all I can think - and I'd bet a lot of money on it being the case. And this place is right by my house, it's virtually across the street... I just want to bleed out and never wake up. I've been trying so hard to keep active and busy and survive but I can't live like this, with this soul destroying heartache. I'm gonna get so drunk tomorrow I hope it kills me.

It turns out paracetamol is a very bad way to try to kill yourself. What the fuck I meant do now with these 6 boxes?

[Ele'ill]

*edit, got a new job better than the one I have and the old job doesn't know it yet but will probably know and care dramatically within the next couple days and suffer greatly into the next couple weeks to follow before they lower their standards to accomodate for the sudden loss during holidays and holiday hiring/employment status freeze during the highest volume warehouse time in the highest volume warehouse in the state (have fun you empty ghosts)

[Quail]

Someone at Judo said I "don't seem my usual happy self"... Well I don't feel like myself and I think I'm losing my mind. I feel like I'm on a bad drug trip that I'm never coming down from.

[Art Vandelay]

I finally told my mom that I quit college and she didn't disown me but we had a conversation about it and I'm starting to regret my decision. I really want to go to college but I'm still not sure what to study and failing two classes is going to fuck up my financial aid and my ability to re enroll. I do this shit all the time. All my life I've always quit things that were too hard and it's always come back to bite me in the ass. Why couldn't I just tough it out for the semester? I was pretty sure I made the right decision and then I have one conversation and all of my plans come unraveled. Part of me regretted dropping out from the start but I decided it was the logical choice and I was making plans to go into a new career. I feel like I have to go back though. If I don't give it a genuine try then I'll wonder for the rest of my life what could have been and it will gnaw at my soul. I'm trying to get health insurance and once I do that I should be able to go on ADD medication again. I haven't really taken it since the third grade but from what I remember it made me really good at school work so I'm hoping to will help me again. That is, if I can get back in. I want to switch majors I think. The only school the offers the major I want is the really expensive one that I can't afford even with financial aid and I have to pay off the money I already owe so I can re apply for aid and since I failed two out of three classes for this semester I might not even be accepted. I don't think suicide has ever seemed so appealing to me. I seriously doubt I'll do it at this point, it's not the first time I really wanted to so I'm pretty good at telling myself no, but it seems like a perfect idea.

I know how you feel, I'm over half way done my degree at the moment, but dropped out of my classes to save some money/work on myself and got stuck with a couple f's since I just couldn't handle the work load at that point in time. There is always the possibility of getting certain grades overturned, if you can put forth a reasonable argument to have them wiped from your gpa. I'm planning on citing my mental health when I go back, but even if you (or me for that matter) can't get those grades off, it certainly isn't something you can't overcome. Really try your best not to let it get to you, I used to get insane anxiety over university and when it comes down to it, its just not worth it. Just take a deep breath; I'm not sure of your age, but if your anywhere around my own, you have plenty of time to get your education. There is no reason you can't take some time off, figure out exactly what you want to do, then go back and finish up (and overcome those failing grades).


Someone at Judo said I "don't seem my usual happy self"... Well I don't feel like myself and I think I'm losing my mind. I feel like I'm on a bad drug trip that I'm never coming down from.

I think its really important to try and dismiss those thoughts when they come up, as hard as that is, its simply mental illness warping your self perception, nothing else. I hope you feel better. :)

[cyu]

And this place is right by my house, it's virtually across the street... I just want to bleed out and never wake up. I've been trying so hard to keep active and busy and survive but I can't live like this, with this soul destroying heartache.


Forget about her and move on. Yes it's easier said than done, but you have to realize that there are a lot of attractive people in the world, but not all of them have the ability to make you happy. Better that you realize someone can't make you happy earlier than having to find out after investing years or decades in them.

Yes, she is still a human being, deserving as much respect as all human beings do. But if she isn't able to make and keep you happy, that's something lacking on her part, not yours - at least it isn't something that would make for a good relationship with you. Better to invest your love in someone you both find attractive and someone who can keep you happy. Anything less may be good enough for a while, but just the former sounds more like lust than love, and just the second sounds more like a platonic friendship.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I have no idea how to handle all this anger right now. I think I know why it's happening, but that doesn't really help much with handling it or not hating myself for experiencing it. Yesterday I spent at least 10 minutes curled up on the floor making weird noises because I was just so pissed off and I pretty much feel the same right now. I sometimes hate others for existing, others who have done absolutely nothing to hurt me. Need to punish myself for being a fat ugly stupid pathetic weak piece of shit.

[human strike]

Over the last few weeks I've been wanting to cry lots but haven't really been able to. Yesterday I started crying and haven't been able to stop since, at least not for long. Is this progress? I hope it means progress.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I've been sick for six days now. It's just a cold, but I've been miserable. I never get mild colds, they always hit full force.

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

Also, I shouldn't be online when I'm in a manic phase.

[Yuppie Grinder]

looking back on the time i've spent on this website, it's been a waste
i've mostly only said stupid things
i've learned some things that were cool, but i doubt i'll put them to much use at any point in my life
this place is depressing

[tallguy]

Times is hard. Times is tough.
Nothin's easy. It's all rough.
There's not much right; so much gone wrong.
All I can do is play this song.

You're watchin' the news. It all looks bad.
The worst half-hour you ever had.
What in God's name is goin' on?
All I can do is play this song.

You're losin' your job, your house and your car.
Hittin' rock bottom don't feel that far.
Nothin' good is gonna come along.
All I can do is play this song.

Folks are scared watchin' that news.
Folks feel bad. They're gettin' the blues.
My poor stomach, it ain't that strong.
All I can do is play this song.

Times is rough. Times is hard.
Take a pair of scissors to your credit card.
Circuit City just said, 'So long.'
All I can do is play this song.

Who's at fault? Who gets the blame?
Let's string up Bernie what's-his-name.
And ask Alan Greenspan to come along.
All I can do is play this song.

They want your gold, and they'll pay cash.
The only silver lining is the price of gas.
Money's short and the odds are long.
All I can do is play this song.

The factory's closed. The bank is bust.
On the money it says, 'In God We Trust.'
So pray for all your stocks and bonds.
All I can do is play this song.

Outta luck. Outta hope.
I'm wonderin' why I even cast that vote.
I took that sign offa my front lawn.
All I can do is play this song.

There's a new man down there in D.C.
They say he's gonna help you and me.
They sure know how to bang the gong.
All I can do is play this song.

Last man in D.C., he had eight years.
Now the whole damn country is in arrears.
We got two, three, four wars goin' on.
All I can do is play this song.

Times is hard. Times is rough.
I guess you folks need some cheerin' up.
Well it ain't me babe. You got that wrong.
All I can do is play this song.

You heard it here. I sang it first.
Don't feel so bad; things are gonna get worse.
Consider yourselves all strung along.
All I can do is play this song.

[Ele'ill]

i am going to get drunk and write magic spells

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I had a manic episode last night. Ended up posting some stupid things online. Then it flipped the other way this morning, and I spent an hour in bed sobbing.

[Yuppie Grinder]

Kim Jong Illmatic works in theory, but not in practice.
He has cool interests and some appealing personality traits, but in practice he just will not shut up and has nothing intelligent to say.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Fuck I just spent like an hour and a half writing a fucking autobiography it seems like and then I click the reply button only to get logged out and all of it gone :cursing: Fuck my life.

Shorter condensed version:
I know a girl, I really like her. She makes me feel special, happy, etc. Problem is the only reason I know her is because my close "friend" and her used to date for a couple years. We became friends while they were dating and continued to talk and hangout after they broke up about a year ago. My friend seemed okay with it, he told me he doesn't care, that they broke up on good terms and that they still even hang out. Cool, whatever.

A couple weeks after they broke up she asks me to bring her to a party, to be the DD for her and her friends. Sure okay not the first or last time. She shows up alone to my house, we'll pick up her friends on the way there. We decide to shmoke a pre-party bowl(or two or three) until her friends call and say they're ready. Talking about random shit and she makes a move on me. Her body is literally rubbing up against mine and she's like two inches from my face. Oh god it felt so good, so right, but I didn't do anything. I felt like she was only doing that because she wanted to get back at my friend for some reason(even though the break up was smooth) and I didn't want to hurt him like that and I felt used. I've known this guy for like 7 years, and I consider him family basically.

But now I don't even know if I consider him a friend anymore. Ever since I lost my job a couple months ago he's basically treated me like shit, like I'm a loser like everybody else has treated me. He'll say things like "why do I still even hang out with you" and I thought it would just be a joke, that's a pretty mild joke for us. But then it just felt like it would escalate and it would sound serious. He always has these nights where he'll invite like 4 guys over and we'll drink around a fire on the orchard he lives on. Like two weeks ago his brother(Who I'm honestly a lot closer with than him now) texts me saying one of those nights is happening and that I should come over. Cool hell yeah I'll come over. I knock on the door and my friend answers it with a friendly "what the fuck are you doing here, who invited you?!" Uh thanks for the warm welcome, your brother did. So he grabs his brother and tells him to go smoke and then go "do your thing" aka go do something not involving them. Like wtf? I went there because I wanted to hang out with him, not to smoke with his brother and then leave. I was so close to punching him in his face but whatever, I know when I'm not wanted somewhere.

So now it's like why not give it a shot, make something out of what we have? She makes me feel good, she's been there for me during this whole maniacally depressive stage while he's just been a dick the whole time, and he was the only reason I hadn't made a move before. But I can't fucking decide if there was anything real there at all in the first place now. We continued talking to each other after the incident and I told her we should just be friends. But I feel like there is something genuinely there and now I need to make a move. Ugh, can't sleep. That whole event months ago has just completely clouded and confused my feelings and how I should examine everything. Like am I just being played for a fool? I don't fucking know, just gotta put my heart on my sleeve and hope it doesn't get broken I guess right? Fuck, everything has to be so complicated.

[Os Cangaceiros]

^I have a similar situation with the girl I'm seeing now. I met her through a mutual friend (one of my best friends)...actually she kind of hates him, they had sex a couple times but never really went out, but he has serious emotional problems and is still in love with her or something. As he is with his current girlfriend and every other girl he has sex with. I love that guy but he needs to get on top of his shit.

Anyway, this girl is cool as shit. We hanged out as friends for a while, I was kind of hesitant about having sex with her because I thought that'd change the entire nature of our relationship, but the amazing thing is, it hasn't. I had always bought into this erroneously idea that "sex changes everything" but I don't really think that anymore. I like her a lot, she has said the same to me, we fuck occasionally, that's about it (I can't stand the terms "friends with benefits" or even worse "fuck buddy" so I'm not going to use those terms to describe this weird relationship I'm currently in).

With that being said, there's no future here between the two of us as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", although she's referred to me as her boyfriend at the bar just to get some guys to stop hitting on her. That's another thing, she has an incredible body. I honestly have no idea why she's hanging out with me, she could do so much better. I just hope that we can still be cool when we eventually break it off.

I'm currently worrying about potential new health problems, though, that's kind of casting a very dark shadow over all this. They found some sort of spot on my brain during a MRI, it's very small but they couldn't really clarify what it was with contrast dye. Something's definitely wrong with me, though. The only thing that really stands out is bright lights have a kind of strange "aura" around them, I can't really explain it. I don't have blurry vision but there's just something...strange happening, esp. like I said, bright lights, like street lamps, car head lights, etc, has a strange characteristic to me. I'm hoping that the thing on my brain is just something benign or is related to vascular shit or former drug use or something and isn't a MS lesion, but I guess we'll see when I get another MRI in another few months. Right now I'm just trying to take the edge of my days with a couple Valium every day and hanging out with this girl, I don't want to think about the future too much and how I'm probably going to die young. :unsure:

I'm sorry to depress you guys, I'm at a point in my life now that's simultaneously really good and potentially catastrophic.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I just can't fucking stand the idea of my mind being compromised. My mind is one of my most cherished possessions, regardless of whatever happens to me I'll always place tremendous value on my ability to analyze situations and contemplate ideas and have conversations with other people.

[Quail]

Fuck I just spent like an hour and a half writing a fucking autobiography it seems like and then I click the reply button only to get logged out and all of it gone :cursing: Fuck my life.

I usually copy and paste long posts before I try posting them, just in case this happens.

[Quail]

Ugh, I wish I could regulate my drinking as easily as my cannabis use. About a month or so ago I felt I was getting stoned too much and it was probably having a bad effect on my mental health and I haven't touched it since. Whereas every night I don't have anything to drink is a struggle to get through. I took a sleeping pill last night and right up until I fell asleep I wanted to go get a drink. I guess I just don't have the strength/coping skills to quit (or cut down as much as I would like to) and every time I think I should quit I come up with about a load of reasons(/flimsy excuses) why I shouldn't. Of all my unhealthy coping mechanisms I think drinking too much leaves me the most functional (the only real alternative being numbing myself with bulimia), but I know it is easy to lose control of these things.

Anyway, rant over. I need to stop procrastinating my university work which is stressing me the hell out at the moment.

[human strike]

I went back home for a bit this weekend, talked to my mum a lot about some of the problems I've been having. Made me feel a lot better and calm for the first time in weeks. Fuck knows why I didn't just do that in the first place. Sometimes I think she lives on another planet but she really doesn't. I even spoke to her about drinking, smoking weed and self-harming - really weird!

I wrote my recent ex a long heart-felt letter basically asking her not to completely give up on me just yet. I was pretty nervous that she'd outright reject me and everything I said, but she seems to be taking it seriously and considering the things I wrote - a bit of a relief, but still a bit nervous because she's not at all the forgiving type.

Thankfully there's lots of organising to be done on campus again this week that's keeping me busy. Thank fuck for bosses and police brutality! Amirite? :)

[Ele'ill]

this new job is shit too fuck life

[Decolonize The Left]

this new job is shit too fuck life

Dude I'm working in the mall. Have to listen to bunk music all day and... anyhow. It sucks ass. Thankfully it's only temporary before our move in January.

[Decolonize The Left]

Ugh, I wish I could regulate my drinking as easily as my cannabis use. About a month or so ago I felt I was getting stoned too much and it was probably having a bad effect on my mental health and I haven't touched it since. Whereas every night I don't have anything to drink is a struggle to get through. I took a sleeping pill last night and right up until I fell asleep I wanted to go get a drink. I guess I just don't have the strength/coping skills to quit (or cut down as much as I would like to) and every time I think I should quit I come up with about a load of reasons(/flimsy excuses) why I shouldn't. Of all my unhealthy coping mechanisms I think drinking too much leaves me the most functional (the only real alternative being numbing myself with bulimia), but I know it is easy to lose control of these things.

Anyway, rant over. I need to stop procrastinating my university work which is stressing me the hell out at the moment.

I'm probably not the best one to talk as I drink every night, usually 3-5 drinks... but... exercise and water are your friends. Exercising regularly will help you sleep better than most alternatives and drinking lots of water will keep you hydrated and help curb some of the drinking. Humans often think they're hungry or in need of an alcoholic beverage when in fact we are just plain thirsty.

[HoboHomesteader]

to find myself here is so telling.

shits fucked up and bullshit. I broke up with my long time girlfriend, she took my/our dog, our car, a bunch of my money. i don't have anywhere to live nor a job nor money after this month. my entire social and organizing network has fractured into a million pieces. every project that i put energy into has died or is dieing.

shits fucked up and bullshit.

[Zukunftsmusik]

looking back on the time i've spent on this website, it's been a waste
i've mostly only said stupid things
i've learned some things that were cool, but i doubt i'll put them to much use at any point in my life
this place is depressing


Kim Jong Illmatic works in theory, but not in practice.
He has cool interests and some appealing personality traits, but in practice he just will not shut up and has nothing intelligent to say.

Welcome to my life.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I've had some pretty good times through this website. A few awkward times, but mostly good times.

If nothing else, I can say that this website contributed to literally the worst hangover I've ever had in my entire life, after I attended some hipster party in Chicago and drank god-knows-what. I think I drank Four Loco mixed with something? I don't know, bcbm was there, maybe he remembers.

[human strike]

I wrote my recent ex a long heart-felt letter basically asking her not to completely give up on me just yet. I was pretty nervous that she'd outright reject me and everything I said, but she seems to be taking it seriously and considering the things I wrote

Maybe I was wrong on this. Fuck. :(

[Skyhilist]

At the end of yoga class there was a large group of girls conversing near the door. Literally every single one of them was wearing the same color of Uggs shoes. They've been made uniform. Capitalism and it's wretched bi-product consumerism have destroyed their individuality.

[Lily Briscoe]

At the end of yoga class there was a large group of girls conversing near the door. Literally every single one of them was wearing the same color of Uggs shoes. They've been made uniform. Capitalism and it's wretched bi-product consumerism have destroyed their individuality.Or else have created the illusion that peoples' preference in footwear is a measure of some deeper aspect of their humanity (e.g. their 'individuality'). :p

[Landsharks eat metal]

Spent at least 10 minutes just sobbing into a pillow yesterday evening because I'm so scared of being abandoned. My move isn't going to change that. It's been my whole life, people leaving me, even if we stay in touch it still hurts, and the times when people don't abandon me, I'm the one who leaves. And I'm starting off this whole journey by abandoning people who have taken care of me. Sure they've done bad things (and don't really seem to be aware that they were bad in the first place), but it just seems so wrong to just leave like fuck everything; I don't give a shit but I can't really talk to them.

I'm going to have to meet new people out in California, but I'm terrified to even do that because I know they're probably going to leave soon enough and/or randomly start hating me for whatever reason like most of my classmates have done throughout the years.

I think the way I feel about leaving my parents is how I felt about my best friend changing schools in third grade. I wasn't really happy with my friendship with this girl, she was always getting me in trouble and making me do things I didn't want to do, but she made me believe that she was all I had. When she moved away, I was sort of relieved even though that meant I didn't have any friends for a while. Hopefully I'll feel good about this too.

I just wish I could talk to them, that they'd understand. I'm getting extremely frustrated having to deal with my parents and hiding huge secrets. I really hope they don't find out, but I'm also inexplicably angry that they're so clueless.

[Taters]

So guys I'm gonna smoke some crack.

[The Feral Underclass]

So guys I'm gonna smoke some crack.

That's what this thread will do to you.

[human strike]

I had a chat with an ex today. I really regret that we weren't able to stay friends, but it made me really happy to hear that she's happy at the moment - she deserves to be. It made me well up it did (mind you, lots of things have been having that affect on me in the last week). :)

[cyu]

I'm going to have to meet new people out in California, but I'm terrified to even do that because I know they're probably going to leave soon enough and/or randomly start hating me for whatever reason like most of my classmates have done throughout the years.

Personalities run the gamut in almost all large groups, including people in San Fran - but they'll probably also share some things that are generally different from the folks in Lancaster. It's like there are good people and jerks among people of all races, but if you had to deal with that, plus racism on top of it, it would probably get easier if the racism was removed - just how easier things get may be related to just how bad the racism was in your old environment.


I just wish I could talk to them, that they'd understand. I'm getting extremely frustrated having to deal with my parents and hiding huge secrets. I really hope they don't find out, but I'm also inexplicably angry that they're so clueless.

I have no real idea what it's like there, but if it's like what my random imagination paints, I'd probably only let them know I'm still safe in the first days I'm gone, but leave no other contact info. Then only give them some contact info maybe a few months later, after they've come to terms with the fact that they won't be able to get me to go back to some place that was sapping the soul from me.

[HoboHomesteader]

I'm going to have to meet new people out in California, but I'm terrified to even do that because I know they're probably going to leave soon enough and/or randomly start hating me for whatever reason like most of my classmates have done throughout the years.


I heard there is a sekret revleft meetup welcome party being planned in your honor. :grin:

[HoboHomesteader]

to find myself here is so telling.

shits fucked up and bullshit. I broke up with my long time girlfriend, she took my/our dog, our car, a bunch of my money. i don't have anywhere to live nor a job nor money after this month. my entire social and organizing network has fractured into a million pieces. every project that i put energy into has died or is dieing.

shits fucked up and bullshit.

life is bit better, got some weed and weed brownies so i finally had a good sleep.

also my savory (like a sweety but filled with rosemary, garlic and potato) and I talked a lot last night, which involved her randomly sobbing when i asked her what she wanted out of our relationship/ if i was special to her, making out with me until we fall asleep, then cuddle, foreplay and sex, breakfast, more sex after we woke up. she had previously made very clear she didn't want to have sex for a number of reasons, so we hadn't actually even kissed, despite have been hanging out and her crashing in my bed for about a month. really wierd turn about of events... but im not complaining.

[Taters]

First there is emptiness
Then there is anger
Then there is ennui
Then there is silence
And then there is crack
Sweet, sweet crack

[Ele'ill]

tomorrow after work I am buying a bottle of bourbon

[Comrade Samuel]

So today I lost my closest friend. He and I were closer than brothers for the past decade... It was one one of those "et tu Brute?" moments y'know? The kind of betrayal that knocks you on your ass and paralyzes you. I'm slowly losing everything that's good in my life. Every time I think that I've hit rock bottom I always find a way to make shit worse. I seriously need to get some god damn help.

[human strike]

So today was shit. I tied to make plans but they fell through (as always whenever I try to make plans) so I ended up doing nothing but lying in bed all day. That was until I popped to the pub to see if anyone was about and fucking hell my recent ex was in there who I haven't seen in a month. A nasty shock for both of us. I barely even saw her to be honest, I just sort of sensed that she was there right next to me and I tried very hard not to look at her and then she rushed out and I left because it was really shitty for both of us. I had no idea she would be there, she usually tells me if she's gonna be somewhere I frequent. Makes me wonder if part of her wanted this to happen. It sucks so much because I've been wanting to see her more than anything but not like this! I'm a bit surprised it took this long for this to happen, to be honest, we move in the same circles and have lots of the same friends. But like I say, she usually tells me if she's gonna be somewhere like that. It's almost every day we're having to try to avoid each other. Uuurgghhhh stressful. And anxiety because she was there with this guy I know she likes, as well as other people mind. I was just super worried about how upset it might have made her - I still am worried. The last thing I want is for her to be more upset. I'm also scared that it'll have made her fed up and just want even more so to have nothing to do with me. Fuck.

[Os Cangaceiros]

tomorrow after work I am buying a bottle of bourbon

Get Bulleit Bourbon.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I've been living more and more reckless. :unsure: My days have all been blurring together into a strange mass of seemingly disconnected events, I think it's the result of chronic insomnia, which is partially my own doing. I catch myself staring at random things, walls, smoke stacks, moving lights, it's nuts. I'd say I usually get around two to three hours of sleep a day. It's tremendously unhealthy.

Is it wrong to feel numb as a human being? To just not care? A lot of times I'll just stare blankly through bleary, bloodshot eyes over a cup of strong coffee at a bunch of people clustered together to get on a bus or something, and I'll think, goddamn, why the hell do I hold the beliefs I do? Do I really care about these people? If they all died right now, would I care? If people I like died, would I care? Or would I care solely just because they would no longer be around to satisfy my emotional needs, my feelings of belonging, etc? :unsure:

I confided with one of my friends about my worries regarding my immediate future. He doesn't understand about that shit, though. His life has been really fucked up, most of which is related to his parents who, no offense to them, but they're world-class fuck ups...with that being said, he can't relate to my particular problems. I talk to my parents about these issues and I hear the exasperation and tiredness in their voices about getting my medical records faxed here and there, what's happening to me, etc. :( I asked my not-really-girlfriend how she dealt with her own fucked up life in the past, and she said "by drinking and smoking weed". Gee thanks, but I want to move away from that.

Speaking of which, I used cocaine last night. In my defense, it found me, I didn't go looking for it. I've always liked the high from cocaine, makes my head feel sharp and it deceives my brain into thinking that I'm getting some sort of clarity into my train of thought. I felt uncomfortable doing it around this one girl I'm hanging out with, as she said that she "hates drugs" (besides the marijuana that she smokes like a chimney), but whatever, I'm (mostly) on top of my obligations so she can judge me all she wants, I don't give a fuck, I just want to feel numb on the outside like I feel on the inside without the nausea and chaos of alcohol.

Anyway, I'm not proud of my drug use. I've always had it under control and always did it just to have fun, but I feel like it's more and more of a crutch for me. But then again we all have crutches to deal with the pain of life, I think, some are just more destructive or socially acceptable than others.

My life feels like a surreal nightmare lately. Doesn't help that there's only about three hours of half-daylight going on currently here, so it really feels like one long, endless night. I'm not doing good, guys. I'm not doing good. :(

[Landsharks eat metal]

Last night my parents got a phone call at about 11 pm. It seemed a little weird to me that someone would be calling at that time of night, so I tried to listen and find out what was going on from halfway down the hall. I couldn't figure it out, but I heard something about "talking to people on the Internet", which isn't the sort of thing my mother usually talks about with anyone, so I decided to go into my parents' room and ask what the phone call was about.
My dad told me it was about my mom's brother, who recently had some sort of biopsy done. I asked why they called so late, and he said because of the time zone difference. (My mother's family lives on the west coast, but his explanation didn't work for me because they are always considerate of what time it is for us when they call.) Then he told me to go to bed, but I couldn't because he was pacing down the hall and I could hear his breathing really loud and some areas of the floor creak. I spent the whole night dreaming of things that could go wrong.
This morning, I asked my mom what the phone call was about, and she said, "I'm going to be honest with you" which really scared me. She said it was my best friend's mom. She called my mom to say that my best friend had told her that she was really worried about me but wouldn't say anything about why. My mom tried to guilt me into telling her more, but I didn't.
The only specific thing I said was that I said no when she asked me if I was planning on killing myself. I wasn't planning on giving any specifics, but I figured if I didn't try to deny that, she might want to make me go to the hospital or something. Finally, I got the whole obnoxious, "you're an impulsive kid with Asperger's and you're probably doing something stupid" talk again.
But I really don't know what to do. Now she's going to be on the lookout for hints, and probably asking me things, necessitating far more direct lying than I'm comfortable with.
God this shit's so fucked up. I kind of feel like I should talk to my best friend, but I don't want her to be mad at her mom or think I'm upset with her, which I am a little.

[ed miliband]

I've been living more and more reckless. :unsure: My days have all been blurring together into a strange mass of seemingly disconnected events, I think it's the result of chronic insomnia, which is partially my own doing. I catch myself staring at random things, walls, smoke stacks, moving lights, it's nuts. I'd say I usually get around two to three hours of sleep a day. It's tremendously unhealthy.

Is it wrong to feel numb as a human being? To just not care? A lot of times I'll just stare blankly through bleary, bloodshot eyes over a cup of strong coffee at a bunch of people clustered together to get on a bus or something, and I'll think, goddamn, why the hell do I hold the beliefs I do? Do I really care about these people? If they all died right now, would I care? If people I like died, would I care? Or would I care solely just because they would no longer be around to satisfy my emotional needs, my feelings of belonging, etc? :unsure:

I confided with one of my friends about my worries regarding my immediate future. He doesn't understand about that shit, though. His life has been really fucked up, most of which is related to his parents who, no offense to them, but they're world-class fuck ups...with that being said, he can't relate to my particular problems. I talk to my parents about these issues and I hear the exasperation and tiredness in their voices about getting my medical records faxed here and there, what's happening to me, etc. :( I asked my not-really-girlfriend how she dealt with her own fucked up life in the past, and she said "by drinking and smoking weed". Gee thanks, but I want to move away from that.

Speaking of which, I used cocaine last night. In my defense, it found me, I didn't go looking for it. I've always liked the high from cocaine, makes my head feel sharp and it deceives my brain into thinking that I'm getting some sort of clarity into my train of thought. I felt uncomfortable doing it around this one girl I'm hanging out with, as she said that she "hates drugs" (besides the marijuana that she smokes like a chimney), but whatever, I'm (mostly) on top of my obligations so she can judge me all she wants, I don't give a fuck, I just want to feel numb on the outside like I feel on the inside without the nausea and chaos of alcohol.

Anyway, I'm not proud of my drug use. I've always had it under control and always did it just to have fun, but I feel like it's more and more of a crutch for me. But then again we all have crutches to deal with the pain of life, I think, some are just more destructive or socially acceptable than others.

My life feels like a surreal nightmare lately. Doesn't help that there's only about three hours of half-daylight going on currently here, so it really feels like one long, endless night. I'm not doing good, guys. I'm not doing good. :(

aw dude this upset me quite a bit to read. it does seem like you're in a shitty place and getting so little sleep is obviously going to make it so much worse - exhaustion fucks with your mind and body so much.

and damn, i thought our 7 hours of sunlight was bad. it really does make you feel like shit. can't imagine just 3 hours.

anyway, i have no advice but you're in my thoughts dude. hope things pick up.

[Ele'ill]

Get Bulleit Bourbon.

i've seen the massive billboards advertising it something like single malt award winning (uh oh i remembered a brand thing liberals come and save me) i actually bought a bottle of old crow *reserve (:)) 11 dollars instead of the regular old crow that is like 6. I took about two shots worth from the bottle here at the library and am feeling warm and vacant as I make shit posts all over the internet. (I haven't had anything to eat for almost 24 hours and this is my first genuine blast of alcohol in months)(and it feels wonderful no regrets yet)

[Art Vandelay]

Get Bulleit Bourbon.

Drink wild turkey so you can be like HST.

[human strike]

So today was shit. I tied to make plans but they fell through (as always whenever I try to make plans) so I ended up doing nothing but lying in bed all day. That was until I popped to the pub to see if anyone was about and fucking hell my recent ex was in there who I haven't seen in a month. A nasty shock for both of us. I barely even saw her to be honest, I just sort of sensed that she was there right next to me and I tried very hard not to look at her and then she rushed out and I left because it was really shitty for both of us. I had no idea she would be there, she usually tells me if she's gonna be somewhere I frequent. Makes me wonder if part of her wanted this to happen. It sucks so much because I've been wanting to see her more than anything but not like this! I'm a bit surprised it took this long for this to happen, to be honest, we move in the same circles and have lots of the same friends. But like I say, she usually tells me if she's gonna be somewhere like that. It's almost every day we're having to try to avoid each other. Uuurgghhhh stressful. And anxiety because she was there with this guy I know she likes, as well as other people mind. I was just super worried about how upset it might have made her - I still am worried. The last thing I want is for her to be more upset. I'm also scared that it'll have made her fed up and just want even more so to have nothing to do with me. Fuck.

She asked to see me last night, quite unexpectedly - it seems the things I said in the last email I sent her finally got through to her. We hung out for a couple of hours and I think it went quite well, all things considered. I'd be a fool to hope for much, but I can't help myself really. Hopefully for a few days or a week at least I can relax - gonna go back to my mum's again and stay there over Christmas and most of the next two weeks which will help ease my anxiety and keep me calm. My anxiety went pretty much completely when I was with her last night, it was the first time I've felt relaxed in probably more than a month. It wasn't a happy situation but it was good all the same - this was really my last chance to see her for another three weeks so I'm very pleased that it happened. I've done all I can for now to improve everything and now I need to just wait (and hope I can start counseling as soon as possible!). :)

[Os Cangaceiros]

aw dude this upset me quite a bit to read. it does seem like you're in a shitty place and getting so little sleep is obviously going to make it so much worse - exhaustion fucks with your mind and body so much.

and damn, i thought our 7 hours of sunlight was bad. it really does make you feel like shit. can't imagine just 3 hours.

anyway, i have no advice but you're in my thoughts dude. hope things pick up.

Thanks man, some days are definitely better than others. Yesterday wasn't that bad actually. I did drag myself to class with no sleep, but I got home at noon and slept to about 5:30 in the afternoon, a solid 5 hours of sleep at least. Felt good. Went over to a friend's place and shared a small bottle of Maker's Mark (speaking of bourbon) with a couple people, had a good time just talking and playing old Super Nintendo games, ha. Got a text message from my girl telling me to come to the bar, went there and hung out with her and some of her friends, had a few more drinks and met quite a few interesting people. Had some dark thoughts near the end of the night but luckily I went home and passed out drunk on my back.

Woke up at 8:30 this morning with surprisingly little hangover but my body feels sore for some reason.

I don't know, I just try to deal with my problems the best way I can. I hate it when people say "everything happens for a reason", though. That's bullshit. Life isn't like that at all, sometimes shit just invades your life for no reason (or, rather, some really banal reason with no real "meaning") As humans I think we have a difficult time accepting that fact, though. I know it's been hard for me...I've wondered quite a bit about why I've been having problems, but I realize intellectually that there's just a certain percentage of people who are like me and I just gotta deal. It hasn't empowered me or made me stronger or anything like that either, although it has given me a perspective on life that I didn't otherwise have before. Probably the only good thing that's come out of it, although I'd say that the problems with my mind are a lot more critical and pressing than the problems with my body. As far as that goes, I just take medication once a day and my doctor says that my condition is as good as it gets.

And I'm hardly special. I recognize that and I don't really complain about my situation in real life ever. I only vent on here. A lot of people have it much worse than me and I'm amazed at what some people tell me, about things that are obviously wrong with them but that they just ignore or don't see a doctor because they don't have insurance, etc, shit like random non-drug/alcohol-induced blackouts and stuff like that.

I do fear very much that something else is wrong with me, though, although you mix real physical problems, anxiety, drug/alcohol use & probable hypochondria and who knows...

[Futility Personified]

Alcohol is an utter bastard. When I get a hangover these days, it is actually on par with a comedown, the whole reason I quit taking drugs! Being drunk is nice and pleasant, but sweet jesus, lying awake last night when everyone else was asleep, having all kinds of hellish intrusive thoughts, I don't know if i'd actually wish that on anyone. Not that I endorse the absolutely idiotic system of drug classification that currently exists, but alcohol really should be a class A. Makes you violent, it can kill you, makes you go crazy if you abuse it, has incredible potential for abuse, etc, etc, etc, just a right pain in the shitter really.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Alcohol is an utter bastard. When I get a hangover these days, it is actually on par with a comedown, the whole reason I quit taking drugs! Being drunk is nice and pleasant, but sweet jesus, lying awake last night when everyone else was asleep, having all kinds of hellish intrusive thoughts, I don't know if i'd actually wish that on anyone. Not that I endorse the absolutely idiotic system of drug classification that currently exists, but alcohol really should be a class A. Makes you violent, it can kill you, makes you go crazy if you abuse it, has incredible potential for abuse, etc, etc, etc, just a right pain in the shitter really.

Haha I agree, on the one hand I've had some great, really fun memorable (and not so memorable ;) ) times with alcohol, but on the other hand I've had some of the darkest moments of my life on alcohol, stuff I wouldn't even write about on a mostly anonymous internet forum.

Basically supposedly there's a risk now that if I drink too much I'll slip into a coma and die or something, and a lot of times when I'm drunk that doesn't actually sound so bad so I drink more.

I think the bottom line is, when you use alcohol to self-medicate, that's never a good thing.

[Art Vandelay]

I can't help but feel like a really awful person lately. As if I'm a complete lost cause, with no redeemable characteristics. Having so many intrusive thoughts the past few days it sucks. Been falling back into a bunch of bad habits. Ugh. Just sick of being sad and embarassed of myself.

[Ele'ill]

gonna be weeks before i get paid, living on bourbon and sleep

[Quail]

I can't help but feel like a really awful person lately. As if I'm a complete lost cause, with no redeemable characteristics.
I know it probably won't make any difference to how you feel, but you are none of these things. :)


Having so many intrusive thoughts the past few days it sucks. Been falling back into a bunch of bad habits. Ugh. Just sick of being sad and embarassed of myself.
I know this feeling. Hope you feel better soon.

[human strike]

I can't help but feel like a really awful person lately. As if I'm a complete lost cause, with no redeemable characteristics. Having so many intrusive thoughts the past few days it sucks. Been falling back into a bunch of bad habits. Ugh. Just sick of being sad and embarassed of myself.

Yeah, I've been feeling like this too - it sucks when you feel as if you can't even trust your own thoughts. The thing is, everyone is a fuck-up, some people are just better at pretending they're not. The important thing is to learn and to want to be better, that's what really defines a person. I don't believe for a second that you're a "lost cause".

[Lobotomy]

so fucking sick of flaky friends

[Landsharks eat metal]

Last night my parents got a phone call at about 11 pm. It seemed a little weird to me that someone would be calling at that time of night, so I tried to listen and find out what was going on from halfway down the hall. I couldn't figure it out, but I heard something about "talking to people on the Internet", which isn't the sort of thing my mother usually talks about with anyone, so I decided to go into my parents' room and ask what the phone call was about.
My dad told me it was about my mom's brother, who recently had some sort of biopsy done. I asked why they called so late, and he said because of the time zone difference. (My mother's family lives on the west coast, but his explanation didn't work for me because they are always considerate of what time it is for us when they call.) Then he told me to go to bed, but I couldn't because he was pacing down the hall and I could hear his breathing really loud and some areas of the floor creak. I spent the whole night dreaming of things that could go wrong.
This morning, I asked my mom what the phone call was about, and she said, "I'm going to be honest with you" which really scared me. She said it was my best friend's mom. She called my mom to say that my best friend had told her that she was really worried about me but wouldn't say anything about why. My mom tried to guilt me into telling her more, but I didn't.
The only specific thing I said was that I said no when she asked me if I was planning on killing myself. I wasn't planning on giving any specifics, but I figured if I didn't try to deny that, she might want to make me go to the hospital or something. Finally, I got the whole obnoxious, "you're an impulsive kid with Asperger's and you're probably doing something stupid" talk again.
But I really don't know what to do. Now she's going to be on the lookout for hints, and probably asking me things, necessitating far more direct lying than I'm comfortable with.
God this shit's so fucked up. I kind of feel like I should talk to my best friend, but I don't want her to be mad at her mom or think I'm upset with her, which I am a little.
This morning I ended up texting my best friend. I asked her if she knew that her mom had called mine. She didn't, so I told her everything that was said. She then told me that she hadn't talked to her mom about me at all, that her mom had probably gone through her Facebook and found that out. [Not quite sure why she would do that, but I don't think Kayla would lie to me.]

Then I told my mom what she'd told me and asked if what she'd told me was really the truth. She said that she actually was told that I was planning on leaving soon, that I had a plane ticket, I was headed out of state to a big city, and that I had a ride to the airport (that one's not true, but I didn't say anything)

So now the guilt-tripping is beginning. And the trying to convince me I can't survive without my parents, that they are the only ones who can tolerate living with all my idiosyncrasies. I tried to explain to my mom at least partially why I was doing this. I brought up some of the shit my father's said and done that makes this an extremely uncomfortable environment for me, and she just told me to let it go, that she's told him that you shouldn't treat people that way (I guess that means she thinks that should be enough for me), and that I obviously annoy him on purpose and that it's give and take, and that he and I obviously both enjoy our arguments and whatever else.

I know I only have to survive less than a month of this (and they're probably going to tell other people, so it can only get worse from here), but I just don't know what to say or do or anything. I've been back to thinking about plan b, which was just buying a gun and shooting myself. Everything's fucking falling apart.

[Art Vandelay]

I know I only have to survive less than a month of this (and they're probably going to tell other people, so it can only get worse from here), but I just don't know what to say or do or anything. I've been back to thinking about plan b, which was just buying a gun and shooting myself. Everything's fucking falling apart.

You can still make this work LEM. I'll admit, this is somewhat of a shitty setback for you when everything seemed to be falling into place, but don't let it get you overly discouraged. You're an adult and ultimately your parents can't stop you from doing anything. Don't let their knowledge of your plans stop you from doing what you think is best for yourself and certainly don't let them (or anyone for that matter) decide how you are going to live your life. You're the one living it everyday, so you need to make the decisions that are going to make you the happiest (this is actually something I'm awful for). This isn't something worthy of ending it all over, especially when you've put in all this effort to turn this plan into a reality. You deserve to see it through.

I've been feeling like everything is falling apart lately too, but maybe that's just what life is about. I don't know, this may be total bullshit, but I'm kinda starting to suspect that my life is just going to be a continual cycle of trying to get my shit together, followed by feeling stagnation set it, followed by everything falling apart. At least that is what always seems to happen, despite my best efforts, but maybe that doesn't have to necessarily be a bad thing. Maybe the whole point is that every time things fall the fuck apart you simply get a bit better at picking up the pieces or you spend a little less time wallowing afterwards.

Just from the time I've known you through the site, it seems to me like you are in a much better place and are so close to making some awesome changes in your life. Its honestly impressive/inspiring and its the type of stuff I need to get around to one of these days if I ever want to be happy. Don't let all the negative and reactionary bullshit in your environment hold you back now.

[Sinister Intents]

I fucking give up on talking to women, I'll never be in another relationship. It's useless for me to talk to anyone. I'll never achieve a great relationship. And fucking anxiety hitting me fucking hard.

[Art Vandelay]

I fucking give up on talking to women, I'll never be in another relationship. It's useless for me to talk to anyone. I'll never achieve a great relationship. And fucking anxiety hitting me fucking hard.

I think its pretty typical for young men to conceive of talking to women as something alot more complicated than it is. Alot of it probably stems from just over thinking things. You don't have to be attractive, or have some witty line (in fact please never do this), you just have to be a nice guy. In all honesty if you think someone is attractive and that maybe you'd like you'd like to get to know them better, or have a cup of coffee or something, I've found that being forward is the best way to go. I don't know this could be awful advice, or maybe its specific to the culture of where I live, but there is nothing wrong with going up to someone, introducing yourself and then casually asking them if they'd like to go out for supper/coffee sometime. Worst case scenario they say no and you go about your day. Regardless you said "I'll never have a great relationship" and I couldn't help but notice you're the same age as me. We're 21, we're not supposed to have great relationships yet and even if we do, 99.9% of them end up being temporary anyways. You have lots of time.

[Quail]

I think 9mm's advice sounds fairly good... although I've realised I actually have no useful things whatsoever to say regarding romance. Most of my relationships have come from knowing the person beforehand. So I suppose the best I can come up with is, just get out and do things you enjoy and you will meet people you're attracted to as you go and you will find someone cool who is into you at some point. You seem like a nice person from talking to you so I'm sure there are plenty of people who'd be interested in getting to know you better. :)

[Decolonize The Left]

This morning I ended up texting my best friend. I asked her if she knew that her mom had called mine. She didn't, so I told her everything that was said. She then told me that she hadn't talked to her mom about me at all, that her mom had probably gone through her Facebook and found that out. [Not quite sure why she would do that, but I don't think Kayla would lie to me.]

Then I told my mom what she'd told me and asked if what she'd told me was really the truth. She said that she actually was told that I was planning on leaving soon, that I had a plane ticket, I was headed out of state to a big city, and that I had a ride to the airport (that one's not true, but I didn't say anything)

So now the guilt-tripping is beginning. And the trying to convince me I can't survive without my parents, that they are the only ones who can tolerate living with all my idiosyncrasies. I tried to explain to my mom at least partially why I was doing this. I brought up some of the shit my father's said and done that makes this an extremely uncomfortable environment for me, and she just told me to let it go, that she's told him that you shouldn't treat people that way (I guess that means she thinks that should be enough for me), and that I obviously annoy him on purpose and that it's give and take, and that he and I obviously both enjoy our arguments and whatever else.

I know I only have to survive less than a month of this (and they're probably going to tell other people, so it can only get worse from here), but I just don't know what to say or do or anything. I've been back to thinking about plan b, which was just buying a gun and shooting myself. Everything's fucking falling apart.

Well, at least your parents know now so you don't need to hide that anymore. Keep your head high. Now is the time to stand your ground and walk with your chin up. Don't let them guilt trip you. It is up to you to take care of yourself and live a healthy and safe life and that it not what is being offered you at your parents house. You are in charge.

If they do want to push it simply tell them that you have made up your mind and this is what is best for you. They will have to come to terms with that and loving parents will eventually come around and support you in your decision to better yourself.

I'm sorry that this happened but it has and it is time to accept it and move forward. This will only make you stronger - to CA!

EDIT: Also, it would be of interest to find out exactly how your mother learned of all this information...

[Ele'ill]

just said bye to a long time friend and will likely never talk to them again mainly because they make everything personal when discussing non personal things and I don't feel attached anymore to the point where i don't trust them. I don't feel bad about that, I feel bad about their other friend who I hate and i don't feel like they understand enough of how much i hate them they are the most liberal scenester naive offensive dumb person on the planet, I'd honestly not even flinch watching a video of them dying in a car accident just straight poker face through the barrel rolls.

+1 babysteps towards suicide

[human strike]

The more time goes by without hearing from her the more anxious and pessimistic I'm becoming. I wish she'd call me, just to let me know how she's doing. I feel like it really doesn't bode well that she hasn't even as much as sent me a text telling me she's ok. I texted her yesterday just saying I hope she's feeling well - I think I worry that she'll forget about me. On Friday she said she would get back to me in about a week. I know it's only been four days - and she did call me briefly on Saturday and sounded a lot friendlier than she has in weeks - but I can't help but worry and feel this way. :(

I've handled everything so badly, I feel like such an idiot. I think time and my own brain are my two worst enemies. And I worry that this is how relationships will be for the rest of my life. I'm not even 23 yet and already I've gone through this shit way too many times, I'm not sure I could bear to go through it again.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Just found out I gained 3 pounds by overeating and being a lazy dumbass. They also said I may have grown half an inch, but that doesn't make too much of a difference. I already was feeling bad about myself all day, [stupidly enough because of a dream I had last night that I went back to my high school for a concert and there were these girls sitting there openly gossiping about me, saying that I'm fat and ugly, have terrible skin, and it's so disgusting that I'm trans]. Last time I'll ever have to see my asshole psychiatrist, but this time more than ever, I just lied so much. Pretty sure every single answer I gave him was a lie. I'm a piece of shit, and I'm still having trouble feeling like I deserve to be happy.

[ÑóẊîöʼn]

In what kind of fuckstupid benefits system do I end up actually being worse off income-wise for taking on a part-time job, than I do for sitting on my arse and bullshitting the Jobcentre? The UK one of course.

Obviously a decision has been made to reduce my benefits, but I haven't been given notice of that decision in writing. I'm going to go down there and see if I can challenge it anyway.

The stupid thing is, I actually had a "career plan" of sorts to go with this job. Having been completely unemployed for a number of years, the presence of this part-time job on my CV should have improved my chances of gaining full-time work, assuming I can hold on to it for a long enough time.

But now that it turns out my total income has been substantially reduced by taking this job, my plans are in fucking tatters. So much for my taking a pro-active approach to my career. I'll to see what I can do to salvage my plans.

Fucking stupid!

[Os Cangaceiros]

I fucking give up on talking to women, I'll never be in another relationship. It's useless for me to talk to anyone. I'll never achieve a great relationship. And fucking anxiety hitting me fucking hard.

Hell, I've always been bad at talking to people, period. For some reason socialization with random people has never been my strong suit, part of the reason I think is because I rarely smile and I think I give off the impression to other people that I don't like them, which most of the time isn't true. Most of the time I'm just indifferent to them.

It's just something you've gotta practice, though, in my opinion. I've gotten pretty good at just having casual conversations with people. Just don't be fake with people. If you're funny, be funny. If you're serious, be serious. People will either find your personality traits desirable and will take an interest in you, or they'll think you're weird, in which case fuck 'em, that's how I feel anyway, I've got better things to worry about than what random people think of me.

I'd be lying if I said that I completely didn't care what other people thought of me ("other people" being "random people" in this case), but my level of caring about that has dramatically gone down over the last few years. I think it's come about as a natural consequence of life, honestly. When you're young, like in middle school or high school, the social arena is very important because it's something you have to wade through every single day. Then you get older, develop more obligations than you once had, experience more stress, get shouldered with more problems you have to deal with, etc, and you stop giving a fuck.

That's how it was for me, anyway. Don't make it more complicated than it is. If she's interested in buying what you're selling so-to-speak, that's great, if not, oh well, cut your loses and move on. (shrug)


Anyway, I hate being so goddamn stiff and sore. :unsure: Spasticity. I got back from the bar last night after four or five drinks, took a nap at 1 or 2 AM, woke up at 4 AM, wrote my political science final essay that's due this morning at 8 AM while still a little intoxicated. I actually think I did a pretty damn good job on it too.

That's always something that I've taken (perhaps misplaced) pride in, the fact that no matter how many drugs or drinks or sleepless nights I indulge in, I can always get my work done and fulfill my obligations. The only grade that's been calculated for me thus far was a B+ in English, which I guess I'm satisfied with.

[Rugged Collectivist]

I fucking give up on talking to women, I'll never be in another relationship. It's useless for me to talk to anyone. I'll never achieve a great relationship. And fucking anxiety hitting me fucking hard.

Yes. This.

Hell is other people. I haven't been able to properly relate to other people since the third grade. I don't understand them and they think I'm weird. I actually have only ever dated one person for roughly two months in the 8th grade. That ended badly but then it began badly as well. My best friend was tired of my whining so he called her up and asked her out on my behalf (against my wishes). It didn't take her long to realize how fucking lame I was/still am. Literally every interaction I've had with women (all two of them) has been in spite of me, not because of me. I've actually started to accept the fact that I'll be a single hermit forever because that's how my life seems to be going.

It's not just women though. I can't properly talk to anyone. It's annoying so I try to avoid other people but that just makes me more inept. It's a catch-22. I can't be around other people because I'm awkward but becoming less awkward requires me to be around other people.

[ÑóẊîöʼn]

Fuckers at the Jobcentre stonewalled me. What a bunch of fucking useless obstructive bureaucrats.

It's too late to see the Citizens' Advice people, but I will be seeing them tomorrow. After having to trudge to and from work in boots that are wearing out and therefore hurting my fucking feet, and which I cannot afford to replace at this time.

As if it weren't bad enough that my income is being reduced and therefore my quality of life is being downgraded, this kind of petty, callous bullshit actually hurts the stated aims of the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP). If those mean-spirited shits really want me off benefits for good, then would it not make more sense to support my career expansion plans rather than actively undermining them? Turning up to work tired and irritable due to under-nourishment, in increasingly tatty clothes and boots that are falling apart, is hardly likely to endear me to my employer and get me a good reference, and may even lead to me being fired (since I can't quit without the DWP fucking me over again!). If that happens, then my career prospects will be damaged and the likelihood of me being back on full Jobseekers' Allowance (JSA) for the long term verges on certainty.

Unless of course I end up becoming too ill to work (and then I would have to jump through a whole different set of ludicrous fucking hoops in order to continue living, fuck you very much Iain Duncan Smith and your enablers!), or unless I keel over and die. Maybe that's what they want.

I certainly wouldn't put it past IDS if that kind of outcome was part his plan. Surely that disgusting excuse for a human being is aware of the consequences of his decisions (the fact that he surrounds himself with armed police (http://dpac.uk.net/2013/12/machine-guns-vs-disabled-people-ministers-quake-facing-the-wrath-of-disabled-people/) should be considered damning evidence in favour), what with being a government minister and all that. Is it any wonder that I see so many people calling him and his cohorts a bunch of sociopaths?

Nobody is safe. This plutocratic kleptocracy we are currently forced to live under won't be satisfied until the vast majority of us are literal slaves, working our short lives away for the security and comfort of a privileged sliver of society whose insane greed knows no boundaries. If current trends continue, then I fully expect the return of the workhouse (or something approaching it) within my lifetime, and the likelihood of more extreme measures being taken to cull the so-called "scroungers" doesn't seem so unlikely to follow.

It doesn't have to be this way. There is more than enough material wealth in the world to ensure that nobody has to be driven to suicide (http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/enough-is-enough-disabled-people-are-driven-to-suicide-because-of-the-governments-welfare-reform-8197640.html) or be forced to endure penury. The only silver lining I can see is that the current economic order is so myopic that it cannot comprehend that it is creating the conditions for it's own downfall in the long term. But I'm very worried that when the long-awaited day of reckoning comes, when enough people are pushed far enough so that tearing it all down and starting over appears to be a better option than fiddling around the edges, that we'll have been so brutalised and warped by our previous experiences that in our righteous anger we'll make terrible mistakes, errors of a magnitude great enough to poison the soil in which we'll grow something new.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

It's all your fucking fault.

I can't always understand why life is so unfair. Sucks.

[Remus Bleys]

does anyone else ever get the urge to self-castrate?

[ÑóẊîöʼn]

It's all your fucking fault.

I can't always understand why life is so unfair. Sucks.

Was this addressed towards me in some way? :huh:

[Comrade Jacob]

My insomnia is getting out of control, even on medication I get about 4-6 hours of sleep a day in 2 hour slices. I was asleep 40 minutes ago and now I'm up on this god-damn website!

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

Was this addressed towards me in some way? :huh:

no lol. not at all.

[human strike]

My anxiety is quite a bit better now - I always feel like I'm being so whiny when I post in this thread complaining simply because I haven't heard from someone in a few days, but it really does stress me out quite a lot. :/ I'm sure I'll post about it again in another few days. lol


My insomnia is getting out of control, even on medication I get about 4-6 hours of sleep a day in 2 hour slices. I was asleep 40 minutes ago and now I'm up on this god-damn website!

You probably already know this, but using the internet is the worst thing to do when you can't sleep. If you're using a laptop or your phone maybe think about putting it in a drawer in the other side of the room so you're not tempted to use it? If you really feel you have to do something then reading an easy and not too interesting book is probably one of the best things you can do. I know how much insomnia can suck; over the last month or so I've been not sleeping at all well mainly because I've been finding it hard to eat, but I think I've finally started to sort that out. Hope you can too. :)

[Quail]

(trigger warning sexual assault)
Being at my parents' house tends to trigger more bad memories and stuff... because, well, there are weird reminders of things in this house and around town... like memories of being with the guy who assaulted me in this very room, or walking past a shop with a name that he made a stupid joke about, etc. (why do I even remember all these stupid small things?)

But that's not really the point of this post. I was just thinking... how completely not unique my experiences are. There are so many young women who grow up and are sexually abused at sensitive, important times in their lives. Women who, like me, are still suffering the after effects 8 years later and there are women who had it way worse than me. It's sickening how many of the women I know have been raped or abused, and that's only the ones I know about. It's horrible to think that right now there are teenage girls who are hiding having been abused from their friends, their family, who don't know who to talk to or where to turn. Right now there are women who were brave enough to talk about their abuse but nobody believed them. Right now, there are probably young women who initially weren't believed, only to have one of their friends apologise in tears for not believing them because the same guy raped her.

Every time I read about a high-profile rape case like Steubenville, or see statistics about sexual assault I just think... Why? Why does this stuff keep happening? Obviously I know why from a political perspective but it seems as though we have such a huge, huge task ahead of us creating a society where these things aren't so terrifyingly, disgustingly common. And so many more people are going to suffer the way I have and still do before it stops.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Graduated last night. I knew it was going to be shitty because I hate ceremonies, but this was just awkward. Nobody really knew what was going on and we mostly just stood there kind of staring at each other before the ceremony. The people that bothered to talk to me all had conversations sort of like this: "hey" "hey, how are you?" "fine, you?" "I'm good." A little bit after I showed up, I could have sworn I heard my classmate saying to her boyfriend (with me standing less than 10 feet away from them), "So, it looks like I'm the only person from my program here right now."

That was a wonderful reminder of just how small some of those people made me feel all the time. I was really tempted to just crawl under a table and hide. Wouldn't have been the first time I did something like that in response to them. When Jason showed up, he and I talked a little. It was still awkward, but at least we were treating each other like human beings. We couldn't necessarily count on our classmates to extend us the same courtesy.

When we lined up in alphabetical order to walk in, I was situated right between the girl who seemingly forgot I exist and her best friend. Thankfully, I mostly managed to avoid having them talk through/over me as though I wasn't there at all. But it just kinda made me feel one more time that I'm not actually a real person with my own story, that I just exist to stymie and annoy others.

More awkwardness happened, like people not knowing how to sit despite being told less than 10 minutes before and they accidentally started playing some sort of weird showgirl-type music instead of "Pomp and Circumstance" when we were walking in (an error that was fixed unfortunately quickly. I hate "Pomp and Circumstance") but none of that really mattered except made it suck a little less, especially considering there were only about 16 of us graduating.

I was sitting there the whole time thinking about how stupid it was, but then I realized maybe I'm sort of proud of myself for making it through. It wasn't very hard academically, but it was pretty awful socially. I definitely could have killed myself, particularly last winter. Back then I was thinking about it all the time, and I honestly am not quite sure why I didn't. But I guess that's a good thing. It's just that I keep forgetting how much I've accomplished because my life hasn't really gone the way I expected.

[Durruti's friend]

Well, I might have lost a few friends today, realized how fucking socially awkward I tend to be, my self-esteem sunk greatly and I had an emotional breakdown after all of that...

On the first day of winter holiday. Why do I have to cope with all of this, now?

[Quail]

Warning - drunken idiot rant.

kaDMYqUbOPU

I feel really inadequate this christmas because I can't afford to buy my son more than a few stocking fillers :crying: but... imagine if I didn't drink - imagine the money I'd save. I don't know if I can be blamed for the fact that drinking too much is keeping me alive or not. All I know is, I'm drinking away my money and I feel like a piece of shit thing christmas for giving my family such rubbish gifts. Okay, so I think the materialism and obsession with expensive gifts is bullshit, but I still feel crap for being the only person in my family without a job or money. Plus, my parents just generally make me feel like shit in general because they're insensitive and intense. Maybe I've internalised a whole lot of bullshit, but in some ways I'm always going to feel inadequate for being the only-slightly-grown-up teenage mum withno fucking money.

[Os Cangaceiros]

^heh, I posted this in the music thread, but I was at the bar last night (like I've been for just about damn day for the past week...boredom, mostly, although I'm willing to admit that I'm technically probably an alcoholic. I was about seven or eight shots of liquor deep (four of which I bought...there was a drunk dude there who kept buying the bar rounds) when this song came on, it was the perfect music for the moment and my headspace at that time:

Pe0n5mqkf6c

Bar becomes expensive after a while though.

Myself and the few close associates I have in this city are all splitting up, my girlfriend is going to Anchorage and will do something, probably won't be seeing her ever again, my best friend's girlfriend is going back to her village or something, my friend is contemplating leaving the state. I'm losing my people. :crying:

The medical care in this state sucks. I'm going back east and will hopefully get a doctor who has some empathy.

[human strike]

Why is alcohol so rubbish? I was feeling pretty good until something triggered my anxiety and because I was drunk it felt quite a bit worse than it should have. Although, come to think of it, it probably would have made me feel pretty crappy anyway. I have a hangover now too though. :glare:

[Os Cangaceiros]

Wow, alcohol exacerbates your anxiety? That's pretty strange.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I'm sitting in an airport right now. I fucking hate airports. Time just crawls when it's 3 AM and you're waiting for some delayed flight to some city you could die without visiting and have no regrets. As I join the dead-eyed, listless shuffling masses as they fumble with ID's and boarding passes, mumbling some perfunctory bullshit when they hand them back to you at the gate, to sit my ass down in the seat of some airline company whom I'm surprised doesn't want me to pay a fee for the oxygen I breathe on their plane.

Gonna go see la familia. Which I don't really want to do. I don't want to have to pretend to care about what my extended family feels like talking to me about. Don't want to be the object of "concern" or "sympathy" either. I hate that. I guess those are natural human impulses and I'm just a husk of a real person at this point, though. Just too much of a coward to face my problems head on, would rather wallow in self-pity instead.

[Art Vandelay]

I feel really inadequate this christmas because I can't afford to buy my son more than a few stocking fillers :crying: but... imagine if I didn't drink - imagine the money I'd save. I don't know if I can be blamed for the fact that drinking too much is keeping me alive or not. All I know is, I'm drinking away my money and I feel like a piece of shit thing christmas for giving my family such rubbish gifts. Okay, so I think the materialism and obsession with expensive gifts is bullshit, but I still feel crap for being the only person in my family without a job or money. Plus, my parents just generally make me feel like shit in general because they're insensitive and intense. Maybe I've internalised a whole lot of bullshit, but in some ways I'm always going to feel inadequate for being the only-slightly-grown-up teenage mum withno fucking money.

You're a full time student/mother and don't you tutor on the side, as well as being a member of a political organization? I highly doubt anyone thinks you're slacking off, that's alot for someone to have on their plate. I also don't think a parent should be judged by what they can afford to buy their kids during the holiday seasons, but rather the sacrifices they make for them all year long. Your education is an investment essentially, it should be expected that students won't have as much disposable income around the holiday seasons to purchase presents with.

[human strike]

I can't accept what's happening to me on any level. It feels like a nightmare, it's completely unthinkable that this could be real and actually happening. I don't understand how any of this has happened, I feel like I've been in shock for weeks. I can't imagine moving on, I don't want to move on and I don't feel like I can. It's terrifying that this might not work out how I want and probably won't - I really can't deal with it. It does feel like my whole life has fallen apart and there's no meaning to it anymore, nothing to actually live for and no hope that things can get better. And I've so much regret because this has happened because of one stupid mistake that didn't seem that significant at the time and didn't even feel like that much of a mistake actually. It took just a few minutes for the rest of my life to be fucked beyond measure. I don't understand how any of this can have happened and I don't understand how I can't have the chance to fix it.

[Os Cangaceiros]

What, exactly, is the problem?

[Ele'ill]

Wow, alcohol exacerbates your anxiety? That's pretty strange.

I've had alcohol bring on panic attacks before, but rarely.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Alcohol is generally a pretty strong GABA agonist. I guess some people do have strange reactions to certain drugs, though. Usually alcohol numbs my anxiety completely.

[human strike]

Probably all the weed I smoked didn't help.


What, exactly, is the problem?

My girlfriend has left me and it happened quite suddenly and in pretty fucked up circumstances. To go from probably the happiest I've ever been to the unhappiest I've ever been so quickly is unbearable. I don't know what else I can do to try to fix things and it's terrifying. We were so in love and I thought it would probably last forever - I wanted it to. For it to end like this is so wrong.

Something else that is scary; my mum's really unwell. She's got bad flu and a chest infection but now the left side of her body is really weak. It's like she's had a small stroke, but she won't go to the hospital and I don't know what to do, it's not like I can make her. She keeps saying she's gonna wait until whenever to see if it improves or whatever but that's bullshit and she's waited too long already. My mum getting ill is pretty much the worst thing that could have happened right now. :(

[Landsharks eat metal]

Hope is in such short supply...

[Futility Personified]

Trying to attract attention for my poetry, thus far noone is interested but i'm proud of my work. Read this through again today and it made me feel a bit better about my own life, so here is something that will hopefully make some of you feel a bit better!

Breathe

The great panic overpowers me: Issues of tenancy and clemency, no support, no one to defend offensively
My arms jangle like bangles smashing together over an open fire, things are dire
All my hopes and desires are immediately replaced by one inclination, resonating against forboding and trepidation
Pack all my things, write goodbyes and flee the nation
Mutter, shout, curse, but never scream, this isn’t Nam, it’s rural England and you’re a man not a querulous pre-teen pageant queen
Often times before this I’ve felt the urge to splurge, bun gurt spliffs, encase myself in herbal mist
But when the outside world already wants you dead you don’t need conflict inside your own head
Turning traitor on yourself repeating things you know that you know that you know you want unsaid
Terrible towers of responsibility burst up through the ground turning a hamlet of hassles into a city, gaunt metropolis of debt, despair and inadequacy, decimating indefinitely within your mind the oasis of calm and simplicity.
Things can’t get any worse.
But every reaction has an equal reaction, life is a hectic dialectic
From the top of the towers once you complete the ascendancy of misery
The answers become clear as on the horizon you see
Solutions, ideas, ways to reduce your arrears, freedom is plausible prior to the end of the year; just avoid abusing the beer
Take stock, have a drag, finish a coffee and get ready, things will be rough but you must rock steady, though inwards you thrash, you shout, you seethe,
You’re strong, you’ll get through this
Just remember to breathe.

[human strike]

Something else that is scary; my mum's really unwell. She's got bad flu and a chest infection but now the left side of her body is really weak. It's like she's had a small stroke, but she won't go to the hospital and I don't know what to do, it's not like I can make her. She keeps saying she's gonna wait until whenever to see if it improves or whatever but that's bullshit and she's waited too long already. My mum getting ill is pretty much the worst thing that could have happened right now. :(

A friend took her this afternoon. She's in overnight. It's a relief even though they're saying it was probably a stroke and she hates hospitals - part of the reason I was having so much trouble persuading her to go in. I'm glad it's professionals looking after her now and not me. It wasn't at all nice having to see her like that and worrying she might get worse.

[Art Vandelay]

A friend took her this afternoon. She's in overnight. It's a relief even though they're saying it was probably a stroke and she hates hospitals - part of the reason I was having so much trouble persuading her to go in. I'm glad it's professionals looking after her now and not me. It wasn't at all nice having to see her like that and worrying she might get worse.

Sorry to hear about that man, although it sounds like things are working out for the best now that she's seen a doctor. I hate hospitals too, I know what its like to have something wrong with you on a physical level, but not going to them cause there such a depressing and scary place. I can't imagine how hard it is worrying about that stuff (my mom is the one person that I could never lose), but now that she is being treated by professionals, its out of your hands and you should do your best to lower your anxiety around the situation.


My girlfriend has left me and it happened quite suddenly and in pretty fucked up circumstances. To go from probably the happiest I've ever been to the unhappiest I've ever been so quickly is unbearable. I don't know what else I can do to try to fix things and it's terrifying. We were so in love and I thought it would probably last forever - I wanted it to. For it to end like this is so wrong.

That's shitty man. Its been a while since I've had to deal with a break up, but I remember how awful they can be. As I'm typing, I'm watching football with my girlfriend and I can't even remember how many times we've taken 'breaks' or had temporary break ups over the years. Ultimately, things may still work out, especially if you are still on half decent terms, but its also important to remember that most relationships between young people don't ultimately last (which itself isn't necessarily a bad thing). I think relationships should be looked upon as spending a portion of your life with someone and shouldn't be judged based on whether or not its the last person you are ever with. I've been with my girlfriend for 4+ years now and while I can't imagine us ever getting sick of one another to the point where we break up, we've always been open and honest about the fact that we may not end up with one another, due to life circumstances and things beyond our control. That however doesn't change the fact that I couldn't imagine having 'grown up' with anyone else. If things don't work out with your ex, then just hold on to the time you spent with one another, the impact you had on each others lives and in time you'll meet someone new, someone exciting, someone you really like. There are no soul mates out there and there isn't one person for everyone, there are multiple, you'll be okay and you seem like an intelligent and really nice guy, so I can't imagine you having trouble finding someone, when the time is right.

[Quail]

I'm finding it hard to get into the Christmas spirit again this year. I just have this huge knot of dread in my chest when I think about it. I hate the pressure to be all merry and jolly, and knowing I will have to be talkative and interact with my family all day. I will probably just take advantage of the fact there will be plenty of wine going around. I hope nobody comes out with anything too offensive because I hate having to challenge it. In particular, I hope I don't have to explain why there's nothing wrong with not being straight again because I find it pretty upsetting but it's something that seems to come up a lot.

[Art Vandelay]

Hope is in such short supply...

Its got to be under a month now till you leave, right? You can do this LEM, its so close, I'm honestly excited for you. Even though leaving behind a chapter of your life is always a little bitter sweet (and I can only imagine how anxiety producing/scary moving cross country at a young age is), its going to be an awesome/exciting adventure for you. Don't lose hope now, things are gonna get better. :)

[Art Vandelay]

I'm finding it hard to get into the Christmas spirit again this year. I just have this huge knot of dread in my chest when I think about it. I hate the pressure to be all merry and jolly, and knowing I will have to be talkative and interact with my family all day. I will probably just take advantage of the fact there will be plenty of wine going around. I hope nobody comes out with anything too offensive because I hate having to challenge it. In particular, I hope I don't have to explain why there's nothing wrong with not being straight again because I find it pretty upsetting but it's something that seems to come up a lot.

I could have wrote this myself. I don't know maybe it's awful advice (in fact I know it is) but the only way I seem to be able to deal with the Christmas season (it always seems to make me depressed and leaving me feeling guilty) is to take advantage of the wine/beer going around at family functions. It's the one time of year I give myself a break and don't beat myself up for using alcohol to help me deal with things.

[Sinister Intents]

No one seems happy at all. Everyone seems so bitter and cold.... its supposed to be a time of joy and love but seems the antithesis of that. Everything is so depressing right now.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I fucking hate myself. I keep forgetting everything. Even the important stuff! My wife gets mad at me, my boss gets mad at me, even my daughter gets mad at me now...

Last week,my daughter (6 years old) told someone: "Oh, don't bother telling my dad. He'll forget anyway."

Fuck...:crying:

[cyu]

Will probably be spending Xmas and New Years alone this year for the first time in over a decade. Not in a depressive period of life, so not worried. May just hang out here reading about what's going on in the lives of you awesome people (some of the people I care about most online) or hang out in online video games :lol:

[Os Cangaceiros]

I fucking hate myself. I keep forgetting everything. Even the important stuff! My wife gets mad at me, my boss gets mad at me, even my daughter gets mad at me now...

Last week,my daughter (6 years old) told someone: "Oh, don't bother telling my dad. He'll forget anyway."

Fuck...:crying:

Join the club. My short-term memory is pretty much obliterated. If something is especially important I'll usually remember, though.

Things like remembering the sequential order of how events happened, though, even if it was only a couple days ago, or even yesterday...is often problematic for me. If I were on one of those crime shows and the cops asked me, "where were you the night of November 15th at 10 pm?" I'd just laugh and shake my head.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Today I went to get a haircut and finish my Christmas shopping. It seemed like it wasn't going to be a problem because usually the only issue I have is with there being too many people and I was going to a little strip mall instead of the actual big mall, so usually it's ok. In the stores, I was fine. The only problem was when I went to get my haircut. The minute I stepped in, I saw a familiar face I'd hoped to never see again: one of the bullies from middle school.

I know before in one of these threads I mentioned possibly seeing her and nothing happened, but I was still really nervous. I haven't talked to her in about 7 years, and when I saw her, I almost decided to just walk out until I remembered how annoyed I was at how long my hair had gotten. At that point, I didn't know if it was her or not. While I was waiting, she was talking to some of the other stylists, one of whom referred to her as "Monica". That immediately verified that she was who I thought she was because I've never met another Monica my age and to have another that looks just like her would be weird.

At first I was just wondering if she recognized me and was thinking about what a weirdass I was in middle school when I used to say weird things just for attention, but then I got nervous. I was halfway convinced she was going to come over to me and ask me if I'm a homo like she and her friends used to do all the time (even though I knew she probably wouldn't do that in a work situation where I'm a client and she could probably get in trouble with her boss).

I was literally almost crying just thinking about it, even though I guess I can blame myself for some of the bullying since I was such a weirdo. It's kind of upsetting that I still feel it so deeply 7 years later.

I'd like to think that once I move to a place where I won't know people from my place this will stop, but there have been times I've gotten upset seeing someone who looks vaguely like a past bully or even just a big group of preteens or teenagers. I'm worried that nothing will ever truly change.

[Goblin]

I hate myself so fucking much right now. No fucking idea why. Just been feeling depressed as fuck lately. I know this is gonna sound kinda silly, but i feel extremely disconnected from everything. I have no idea what i'm gonna do with my life. I feel like i'm about to have a psychotic breakdown or something. It's not all negative though. I haven't cut in months, which i guess is a good thing.

[cyu]

I guess I can blame myself for some of the bullying since I was such a weirdo.
Weirdos do not deserve to be bullied.
Rape victims do not deserve to be raped.
Murder victims do not deserve to be murdered.

While a lot of bullying may not be as serious legally as rape and murder, that doesn't mean the bullies weren't wrong doing it. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. But also don't beat yourself up for thinking you deserved it. The only people that need more beating up, would be them.

[Yuppie Grinder]

Does anyone else have trouble not going crazy overboard with gift giving this Christmas?
I don't want to make people uncomfortable, so I'm not going to give as many presents as last year.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I don't give anyone anything but I also don't expect anyone to give me anything, so it's all good.

[motion denied]

This ^

[Ele'ill]

I was going to give a copy of The Coming Insurrection to this houseless person I see regularly who seems to be recently houseless and kind of lost, I won't though just because of a lot of reasons

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Today I went to get a haircut and finish my Christmas shopping. It seemed like it wasn't going to be a problem because usually the only issue I have is with there being too many people and I was going to a little strip mall instead of the actual big mall, so usually it's ok. In the stores, I was fine. The only problem was when I went to get my haircut. The minute I stepped in, I saw a familiar face I'd hoped to never see again: one of the bullies from middle school.

I know before in one of these threads I mentioned possibly seeing her and nothing happened, but I was still really nervous. I haven't talked to her in about 7 years, and when I saw her, I almost decided to just walk out until I remembered how annoyed I was at how long my hair had gotten. At that point, I didn't know if it was her or not. While I was waiting, she was talking to some of the other stylists, one of whom referred to her as "Monica". That immediately verified that she was who I thought she was because I've never met another Monica my age and to have another that looks just like her would be weird.

At first I was just wondering if she recognized me and was thinking about what a weirdass I was in middle school when I used to say weird things just for attention, but then I got nervous. I was halfway convinced she was going to come over to me and ask me if I'm a homo like she and her friends used to do all the time (even though I knew she probably wouldn't do that in a work situation where I'm a client and she could probably get in trouble with her boss).

I was literally almost crying just thinking about it, even though I guess I can blame myself for some of the bullying since I was such a weirdo. It's kind of upsetting that I still feel it so deeply 7 years later.

I'd like to think that once I move to a place where I won't know people from my place this will stop, but there have been times I've gotten upset seeing someone who looks vaguely like a past bully or even just a big group of preteens or teenagers. I'm worried that nothing will ever truly change.

Wow. That's some heavy shit. But you never ever deserve to be bullied. If anything, you need to be celebrated for being so damn brave!
I can kinda relate to what you're thinking about moving. I did not move because of the past, but living far from there now, makes me feel somewhat better (still not great). So, even though moving might make things better it won't be a real solution.

Also, being different doesn't makes you a weirdo, it makes you human. Why pick on anyone for being human?

You're a swell guy and you have accompliced much. I think you can be proud of yourself. Fuck your bullies!

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I hate myself so fucking much right now. No fucking idea why. Just been feeling depressed as fuck lately. I know this is gonna sound kinda silly, but i feel extremely disconnected from everything. I have no idea what i'm gonna do with my life. I feel like i'm about to have a psychotic breakdown or something. It's not all negative though. I haven't cut in months, which i guess is a good thing.

Come on Gobles, you're a great guy! Pretty smart too. You'll figure out what you want to do.
Good to hear about you not cutting!

[human strike]

I hate myself so fucking much right now. No fucking idea why. Just been feeling depressed as fuck lately. I know this is gonna sound kinda silly, but i feel extremely disconnected from everything. I have no idea what i'm gonna do with my life. I feel like i'm about to have a psychotic breakdown or something. It's not all negative though. I haven't cut in months, which i guess is a good thing.

Are there any friends you could tell that you're feeling this way? I've always found the best thing I can do when I feel like this is to tell people and let them help me - and even if they aren't all that much help, it's good to talk. Hope you can start to feel more positive about things soon. :)

[Ele'ill]

woke up hungover so i drank and got drunk and then gave myself a haircut and put my septum ring back in might put my plugs back in too although i don't like them they are annoying, i was at a 4g septum now i'm at a little tiny thing again

my hair is just something else right now

[thriller]

Girl I was seeing now has exclusive boyfriend, yet she still wants to sleep together. My head is a fucking wreck.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

it feels strange not being down the pub with my mates getting pissed right now. Has sort of been our ritual since we were of drinking age, but our usual pub closed down and a few of them aren't around.

Bit depressing being sat at home on the computer on xmas eve. meh.

[Ele'ill]

i am following a tradition of getting drunk alone on christmas eve-day eve-afternoon eve/day/afternoon while watching firefly on mute and listening to aphex twin's blue calx (not specifically part of the 'tradition' but is happening know)

I also found old family photos that i've kind of known i've had in a box so that's a nice touch the place i'm at is ringing with the seasonal sounds of scissors slicing through photo paper those fucking bastards deserve that shit through their flesh

[Quail]

I should be sleeping now but I feel sad and anxious about Christmas tomorrow. I might just watch an episode of Buffy and pour myself a generous glass of bourbon. I'm glad drunk me last night thought it was a great idea to buy bourbon on my way home from a club.

[Ele'ill]

the not drunk enough me is regretting not buying bourbon i only have 4 beers left out of too many that i've had

buffy season 1 is sitting behind me on a shelf but once i drink enough and some time before i eat i usually pace around with racing thoughts and talk to myself so i can't get too comfy yet gonna wait till after i eat

[thriller]

So for some reason I feel like going through my last year here on PYHO. Possibly because I will be gone soon and can't do this on the usual New Years Eve posts.

Since it's Christmas, I found this post from last Christmas by myself: "Fire alarm and evac of building on Christmas where I am all alone. Yay." :lol:
This year has been fucking crazy. I started school at a new college and was forced to meet new people and try to get involved in labor issues, which sort of busted me out of my shell. I also moved out of my hometown to live in a close city with my brother in a tiny fucking apartment we shared. It sucked how much we would fight and how nothing seemed to work in the place, but looking back I sort of miss it. I also moved to a shitty house with him that has, for the most part, done alright. I reconnected with A LOT of old friends which is the best part of it all. I turned away from them for awhile and acted selfish, and when I wanted to come back, they couldn't have been happier. I met a lovely lady who I happened to get close to, however, turns out my hopes were squandered recently and that's been a kick to my ass. I failed a class this semester simply due to my lack of effort. I feel quite lazy and spoiled, undesirable and inadequate. Yet looking back at the entire year, I grew a lot, and am going to grow this coming year due to some visits I will be making. This year kicked my emotional ass, but I think it thickened my skin. Or else I don't know what it was all for. Happy (early) New Years/Whatever else you celebrate.

PgrTEKaz4OQ

[Quail]

Holy crap I'm drunk. Drinking bourbon, watching Buffy, etc. Blah, I came to my parents' house planning to not drink while I was here, but I have been hiding and drinking booze anyway. Christ, what a mess.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Well damn Quail, don't know what to tell ya except not to beat yourself up too much. That goes to you too, Goblin. I don't have a lot of room to talk regarding the alcohol thing because I drink too much myself, although not so much lately. I've been around my parents at their home so usually I'll just have a drink a night and call it good.

I went to a radiology clinic here in New York today and it renewed my faith in the medical field a bit. I doubt I spent much more than half an hour-45 minutes in there, if that. There were a ton of other patients in there but the staff were incredibly efficient at what they were doing. No one likes going in "the tube" but even that took a lot less time than when I went in back home.

Anyway, I recently managed to smoke the last remnants of a roach out of a hollowed-out tomato, using a candle I lit with a stove top since I have no lighter or matches, and now I'm listening to UGK. I'm pretty proud of myself. I think Jesus would approve of how I'm bringing in this year's Christmas.

[human strike]

I've been so up and down lately, but today I'm very much down. I can't stop crying. I think there's something about Christmas and the fact that you're meant to be happy that just makes most people especially miserable. I'm missing my ex more than words can describe. Yesterday on the phone she said she's already dating other people and she's not sure she loves me anymore; merry Christmas everyone!

[Quail]

I don't know how much longer I can deal with being in this house. I can't do anything right. I want to run away or something because there's nowhere I can just hide and be sad, and I'm very much feeling as though everyone would be better off without me. But... I don't have the means to harm myself. Just need to survive a little longer.

[cyu]

I'm very much feeling as though everyone would be better off without me.


I might say that about Charles Koch, Rupert Murdoch, or Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, but you? If we ridded the world of everyone I thought were worse than you, it would be a huge massacre - not just of various venal world "leaders" but a whole host of people who continue to abuse those they think they can control.

[Ele'ill]

I don't have medical coverage atm and don't know if I need it or should be worrying about it for something like this but I want to check myself into a crisis facility of some sort for a month and just lay in a dark room sedated without any thoughts. The intensity of the negative feelings of boredom, hopelessness, unattainable health, i'm not particularly tired but all i want to do is sleep somewhere by myself and i dunno if that can be done there's no where. I don't have the emotional cohesion to go to somewhere even it's like i would rather lay down in the rain somewhere just to be alone

[Os Cangaceiros]

I had dinner over at my uncle's house last night. My aunt kept saying "I don't know if you can eat this, buuuuut..." which irritated me. I guess it's just concern on their part but it still made me a little pissed off, especially after I repeatedly said that I can pretty much eat whatever I want, just so long as it's not a bowl full of sugar. :rolleyes: Is it too much to ask that you don't constantly remind me of my problems, especially when you really know nothing about it?

My mom obviously had some drinks over there, because she gets a little abusive when she's been drinking a lot of times. Verbally abusive, of the "you're a piece of shit", or "you're a son of a *****" sort of thing (the irony of that latter statement always seems lost on her). It's not her fault, though, she's got problems and, like her mother/my grandmother, alcohol makes her take it out on other people like myself. It still doesn't make me feel very good, though. I just told them to drop me off downtown and went to the bar.

When I got to the bar I sat next to this guy who was almost unconscious when I arrived. That's how much he had drank and apparently they don't believe in "cutting people off" around here. He was from Ireland and had "EIRE" tattooed on his hand. I tried discussing the Northern Ireland conflict with him (which, in hindsight, may not have been a good idea) but he didn't seem particularly interested. He did throw up a little bit on the floor of the bar but he did it discreetly, and I don't think the bartender noticed. Then he passed out asleep at the bar, only regaining consciousness to mutter "shut the fuck up", or "get the fuck out", or some gibberish. I had a conversation with some other guy about travelling and Colombia over his passed out body.

The other guy was apparently so concerned about the drunken Irishman that he called the cops, which the bartender told him not to do. I muttered "fuck" under my breath when some cop entered the bar, because I, like many people I know, am under the belief that involving them in any situation almost never makes the situation better. The cop offered him a free ride to wherever he wanted to go, though, so that was probably a good thing.

Then some woman from New York City came in, sat by me, we started talking. She asked me how old I thought she was, I was stupid and drunk enough to take a shot at answering the question, luckily I lowballed it but I lowballed it just enough so that she didn't think I was full of shit. She was there with her boyfriend but she was shamelessly hitting on me in front of him, I was kind of embarrassed by the whole thing, her boyfriend looked like he could beat my ass too. She asked me for my phone number which I gave her, then I got a call from her later that night, "just making sure that this is your phone number". I was like, are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

Finally I struck up a conversation with some rich kids who were trying to score some blow at another bar across town. I got a ride with them to the bar, almost got into a fight in the cab. There were two girls and a guy in the cab, one of the girls asked the cab driver in Spanish if he knew where they could score some dope, then she asked me if I was a cop. Now, mind, that was the third time that night that I'd been asked "Are you a cop?", and at this point I'm pretty offended. I said, "No, motherfucker, I'm not a cop."

Apparently my referencing of his ladyfriend as a "motherfucker" offended the guy, who threatened to throw me out of the cab. But I wasn't worried about that, because he was just some rich boy out for a tear but I'm basically a hick, an affluent hick but a hick none-the-less, and at this point I'm not a stranger to physical pain. If anyone was getting thrown anywhere it was going to be him. My thoughts weren't that articulate, though, as I'd had a few drinks in me at that point, so what came out of my mouth was "shut up motherfucker, don't you fucking threaten me." I can't remember how the situation de-escalated but I think it had to do with us coming to a mutual understanding that we both dislike law enforcement.

We got to the bar, that rich kid didn't stick around for very long before bailing when he couldn't find coke, I stayed until last call and nursed a shitty beer before going home. Shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have drank that beer. Goes against my code of not mixing different types of alcohol. Felt it this morning, definitely felt it.

Anyway, hopefully that pleasant little anecdote cheered some of y'all up.


I've been so up and down lately, but today I'm very much down. I can't stop crying. I think there's something about Christmas and the fact that you're meant to be happy that just makes most people especially miserable. I'm missing my ex more than words can describe. Yesterday on the phone she said she's already dating other people and she's not sure she loves me anymore; merry Christmas everyone!

I can kind of relate to that. The first relationship I ever had ended kind of badly, and I had difficulty letting it go. The sick thing about that situation was that I didn't even particularly like the other person in question, I just felt like I'd been wronged somehow and that wrong needed to be addressed. Today I look back at that part of my life and laugh, though.

[Anti-Traditional]

^lol, that story read like something out of 'Tis' by Frank McCourt, very good book.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I feel incompetent for my chemistry class. It is depressing. The first half of the class went well enough but the second half I was completely lost; had to ask my informal partner what to do constantly and had no clue where we were in the directions. I am sure the only reason I passed that part was because my partner left behind some actual solutions which the professor mistook to be my own. It is very anxiety provoking as I am afraid I will not catch on and fail the course. I will need to study the material more. Provided, this is my very first time doing anything chemistry related but I still feel useless. I am happy that there is no class until Monday, hope we have a snow day. God.

[Hermes]

I feel incompetent for my chemistry class. It is depressing. The first half of the class went well enough but the second half I was completely lost; had to ask my informal partner what to do constantly and had no clue where we were in the directions. I am sure the only reason I passed that part was because my partner left behind some actual solutions which the professor mistook to be my own. It is very anxiety provoking as I am afraid I will not catch on and fail the course. I will need to study the material more. Provided, this is my very first time doing anything chemistry related but I still feel useless. I am happy that there is no class until Monday, hope we have a snow day. God.

My last chemistry class was in high school, I've since learned that I'll never be good at the hard sciences (not that I'm good at anything else, hah).

I was always the partner of the smartest kid in class, probably the smartest kid in school. He was a year under me and was already taking college-level courses at the time. Everyone else made fun of him a lot, though it got better later and he took it really well.

Every single time I was paired up with him I felt so completely miserable because I knew I was no help whatsoever and was only slowing him down enormously. Every answer we'd get would be his, and I kept thinking that the teacher knew, cared, and thought that I was only ever his partner because I wanted to cheat off him or something. Every single class was hell for me, and it was made worse by the fact that the teacher actually liked me, for whatever reason, and wanted me to do well, and I just couldn't.

I guess this isn't all that helpful, sorry.

[Futility Personified]

I kid you not. I hate being in this hick town. I like to think about that abstract concept of "the people" being able to make their own decisions... But after so many nights out in my home town, the idiocy i hear from "the people"... God. So much racism, so much homophobia... I am nothing less than full of hate. It sickens me to the core.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I kid you not. I hate being in this hick town. I like to think about that abstract concept of "the people" being able to make their own decisions... But after so many nights out in my home town, the idiocy i hear from "the people"... God. So much racism, so much homophobia... I am nothing less than full of hate. It sickens me to the core.

I'm a lot more optimistic about the future than you are. I actually do believe that our generation (if you're around the same age as me, I'm in my mid 20's) aren't saddled with the same kind of BS beliefs about social issues as our parents are. When I was in my early teens I wasn't shy about being homophobic, and my friends weren't either. Today none of us engage in that kind of ignorance. And I'm from a firmly red state, small town, rural, predominantly white working class area.

Of course merely having knowledge of a negative phenomena doesn't necessarily mean you're going to rectify the problem...my parent's generation probably thought that they were going to end racism, but it still exists. But I do think that things do get better. Nowadays if I hear something I take offense to, whether it's about race or gender or what-have-you, I'll usually challenge it, although the manner in which I approach the subject varies depending on how well I know whomever is making the claim that I object to. Generally I've found that most people, myself included, are open to introspective discussions about why they hold the opinions they do. Those who aren't usually aren't worth my time.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

My class is getting to me on a sub-conscious level: I only slept for six hours by which all of my dreams were either about the class or about this big foot monster that murdered little girls. I dunno what the relation is.

[Futility Personified]

Thanks Os, you've cheered me up. I was a wee bit pissed when I wrote that, so it can go one way where it's cheerful and happy or it can go bitter/resentful and angry. Silly people are silly!

[human strike]

I kid you not. I hate being in this hick town. I like to think about that abstract concept of "the people" being able to make their own decisions... But after so many nights out in my home town, the idiocy i hear from "the people"... God. So much racism, so much homophobia... I am nothing less than full of hate. It sickens me to the core.

What town is that? Is it Yeovil? I fucking hate Yeovil.

I also fucking hate winter. It's cold, dark and miserable.

[Art Vandelay]

Had someone I really care about/respect make a comment last that I could literally feel pierce me and deflate whatever measly amounts of self esteem I had mustered up. I don't think he realizes what he said, or maybe he does I don't even fucking know. It almost seemed like a Freudian slip or something, so now I can't stop worrying that this person has always thought this about me and just never articulated it before. Fuck, I don't even blame him for feeling that way, it was just surprising and sad to find out that other people think the same things about me, as I do. Spent all morning reading about silly CWI drama on facebook, so now I haven't showered and I have to go to work and there is basically a snow storm outside. Fuck everything today, I can't seem to handle anything.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Continuing saga of me, my best friend and her mom.
Last night my best friend told me that it actually was her that told her mom about my plans. I sort of suspected it because she was dodging my questions when I was trying to talk to her about it before, and she'd claimed that her mother had probably gone through her Facebook without her permission but didn't seem near as outraged as I would expect anybody to be upon finding that out.
I just feel fucking shattered. Not so much that she told her mom, which I know she did because she was worried about me and didn't know that she was going to call my parents. But I'm really upset that she lied about it. I gave her a chance to own up to it. After being best friends with me for 8 years, she should know that I would forgive much more quickly if she told the truth.
I don't think I've ever felt this betrayed. I would have trusted her with my life, but I don't know if I can ever trust her again. I still care about her, but I definitely don't want to talk to her for a while. Everything's going to be changing for me soon, and I was hoping our relationship could be one thing that would stay the same. I just feel sick thinking about it.
I guess there's a bright side; if not bright, at least it's maybe ever so slightly illuminated by a single dingy old flickering lightbulb. If things happened just as she said, she only told her mom that I was leaving, then my parents don't know when and where I'm going. But I guess her mom still could have gone through her Facebook upon hearing her concerns, or she could still be lying.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

[Futility Personified]

What town is that? Is it Yeovil? I fucking hate Yeovil.

I also fucking hate winter. It's cold, dark and miserable.

Chard! Utter shithole.

[Ele'ill]

every evening now my mood is either 'lifting' into hypomania or reaching some baseline level out of depression from during the day and making it feel like hypomania- I suddenly want to read everything, talk to people, joke around with strangers, be nice to people (lol), go for a walk in the park, go sledding, work out, go back to school, write, go to the coast, travel, go to a rainforest on vacation, visit friends throughout the world, go snorkeling, quit my new job, and a lot of other things of varying severity and it's like i'm so close to doing some of these extreme things because they seem like such an amazing liberating thing to do right then and I feel unburdened like I am melting into the earth and I can feel the sky and shit. I do a lot of the not so severe things it's like a total switch up like I am a vampire. During the days things have been bad enough that I want to die. I normally get fluctuations like this that are very rapid but they aren't usually so dead-on consistent. Not helping that I can't actually sleep, i'll get settled then just lay there or sit up and I feel like I am really high and having hippy earth melting moments where I become super attached to shit like dew, the clouds, stars, moon, the air, my breath, the stillness, snow, raccoons, mice, insects, just want to be it.

(there have been two legendary raccoon fights in this one neighborhood each time it lasts like 30-40 minutes of screaming angry racoons chasing one another around making weird sounds)

The hypomania assuming that is what it is carried over into today but I feel agitated though and worried about shit that is ridiculous with racing thoughts about every little thing that is annoying me like my surroundings have to be perfect now but I have shrugged off a lot of interpersonal dispute stuff that happened earlier whereas yesterday I got into someone's face for not letting me out of the bathroom and pushed them out of my personal space and threw the bathroom key (that they wouldn't take from me) into the sink but it is hard to tell what is 'healthy' me what is neurotic me what is mental health related etc.. it is all really confusing. This likely has a lot to do with having drank so much during the previous week and then just stopped, I also have limited nicotine and caffeine without even really thinking about it.

[Ele'ill]

Do any of you get that thing when you're high (I'm not high) when you get anxious but its just because you're bored and feeling that EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeEE feeling like you gotta just move so you move onto the next activity like a walk or art or a movie and it's great and you get that feeling that's like holy shit this is amazing. I have that right now and I want to specifically make things/art really bad like open craigslist and look for apartments so I have a space to do it.

[human strike]

Chard! Utter shithole.

That might even be worse than Yeovil... Yeovil takes some beating though.

[#FF0000]

Putting money towards gas or the bills and rent is a reprieve from the pressure those things put on me, but the idea of spending any money on anything for myself has me feeling extremely uncomfortable. Can't imagine parting with money for anything beyond a necessity without feeling extreme regret.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Do any of you get that thing when you're high (I'm not high) when you get anxious but its just because you're bored and feeling that EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeEE feeling like you gotta just move so you move onto the next activity like a walk or art or a movie and it's great and you get that feeling that's like holy shit this is amazing. I have that right now and I want to specifically make things/art really bad like open craigslist and look for apartments so I have a space to do it.

I get that feeling all the time. Not necessarily just when I'm high, I just get extremely restless and start pacing, relentlessly pacing, trying to think of something to do (drugs amplify that feeling x10 for me, though). I get bored really easily. I love just getting into a vehicle, gripping the wheel and blasting headlong into the night (NOT after consuming alcohol, just so that's understood). Usually it's in pursuit of some really mundane activity, like I'll get a text message from someone saying "hey man, want to hang out?" or something similarly stupid, but it's just nice to do something and have an "objective" sometimes, and you never know where the night will take you.

I've been trying to get in touch with my cousin so he'll come pick me up and we can go play pool but he's not answering his phone, the bastard.

[Quail]

I might say that about Charles Koch, Rupert Murdoch, or Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, but you? If we ridded the world of everyone I thought were worse than you, it would be a huge massacre - not just of various venal world "leaders" but a whole host of people who continue to abuse those they think they can control.

I feel a burden, because I'm a disappointment and a failure to everyone that matters. I can't shake the feeling that they would rather I wasn't here.

I kind of wish I had something I could just take and not wake up. I guess my plans generally involve something that would make me sleep and not notice the rest of the poison but I don't have enough.

Not that this rant is super productive, but I just feel like I can't breathe all the damn time because everything is too overwhelming. I know I am relatively in a good position in the world with a lovely family, studying a subject I love, etc., but despite all that stuff I feel so low all I have been able do right now is stare into space or curl up and lie down. I wish it was as easy as saying, "I have a headache, I'm going to lie down," to say, "I feel too low to function, I'm going to lie down." I know my family know I'm not okay. I'm pretty sure they know about the whole alcoholism thing which gets harder and harder to hide.

[Yuppie Grinder]

I've wasted my youth for the most part. Most of my fondest memories are of me playing guitar and listening to music by myself. All the things that involved other people I fucked up and ruined at some point.

[Yuppie Grinder]

It's pretty cool being an all around incompetent person who's not good at a single thing.

[cyu]

I feel a burden, because I'm a disappointment and a failure to everyone that matters. I can't shake the feeling that they would rather I wasn't here.


I suspect your son probably wouldn't agree with that.

But yes, if I try to put myself in the shoes of someone who is disappointed in a family member, there are those (especially the unpleasant ones) that may consider certain members of their family to be failures and burdens, but even then, if the so-called burden died for whatever reason, I suspect all their past disappointments would seem petty in comparison, and the death would be horrifying to them.

There are lots of people on this website that do not think of you as a failure or disappointment, but as a friend and even a source of comfort. Maybe you don't think they really matter, since they're disembodied accounts on the internet, but many probably know how you've been much better than some of your closest relatives.

Even if you don't think we matter to you, you matter to me.

[Art Vandelay]

I've wasted my youth for the most part. Most of my fondest memories are of me playing guitar and listening to music by myself. All the things that involved other people I fucked up and ruined at some point.

I've done pretty much the same man. I've probably spent more time, throughout my life, becoming acquainted with the neck of my guitar, than with the people in my life. At the same time, I don't think that is synonymous with 'wasting' ones time, even if the efforts put into that creative pursuit won't lead to a well paying job with a pension. Since we're talking about guitars, might as well paraphrase Lennon: "Time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time."


It's pretty cool being an all around incompetent person who's not good at a single thing.

I feel like this most of the time, but if we truly take a step back, given the fact you've said you spent the majority of your life playing guitar, I think we can both probably say we know of an activity we both aren't 'incompetent' at.


There are lots of people on this website that do not think of you as a failure or disappointment, but as a friend and even a source of comfort.

Word. I'll second that.


I know my family know I'm not okay. I'm pretty sure they know about the whole alcoholism thing which gets harder and harder to hide.

Could easily have written that about myself. The comment I made in this thread, this morning, about someone saying something that bothered me, was specifically about my drinking. It sucks, cause I don't think an individual should be defined by what they choose/feel the need, to put in their body, but at the same time people seem to look at others exactly in that superficial way, as opposed to judging their character, not their crutch.

[Ele'ill]

well this day ended fittingly with several cops and an odd 2 hour detention

[Art Vandelay]

well this day ended fittingly with several cops and an odd 2 hour detention

Shit. Sorry to hear that Mari3L and hope the pigs didn't hassle you too much.

[human strike]

Putting money towards gas or the bills and rent is a reprieve from the pressure those things put on me, but the idea of spending any money on anything for myself has me feeling extremely uncomfortable. Can't imagine parting with money for anything beyond a necessity without feeling extreme regret.

I get this all the time. It's just one of the many things that make me feel guilty, but really shouldn't. I almost prefer being poor just so I don't get that guilt, but the added stress of poverty ends up making things all-round worse.

[Sinister Intents]

I'm so fucking sick of being alive. I just want to fucking kill myself. I'm tired of fucking being reminded of her! I have this little coffin she painted, it has the word love in Theban painted on it. what's the fucking point of relationships if they always falter and fucking fail. Failure! That's what marks my fucking life failure! I always seems to say or do too much, and when I try its never enough. I'm just so fucking ready to stop everything.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I'm so fucking sick of being alive. I just want to fucking kill myself. I'm tired of fucking being reminded of her! I have this little coffin she painted, it has the word love in Theban painted on it. what's the fucking point of relationships if they always falter and fucking fail. Failure! That's what marks my fucking life failure! I always seems to say or do too much, and when I try its never enough. I'm just so fucking ready to stop everything.

Don't kill yourself over an individual. No one's worth that. Go out and have fun instead. That's the best way to get over someone. Go do things you enjoy, whatever they may be.

I've had times when I've felt like I want to die. That's part of the reason why my mind is dangerous if left alone in the recent past, and why I always try to pre-occupy my mind with something, anything, even if it's viciously abusing myself with alcohol, which is basically the same thing as protracted suicide, in my opinion. But the truth is that I want to live. I want to travel, I want to meet interesting people, I want to add experiences to my list of things I've accomplished, I want to love and be loved. I've never particularly wanted to start a family but who knows, maybe that's something I'll want to do at some point as well. That's why everything that's happened to me recently has been so painful and frustrating. Life is pain and struggle but it's also potential victory and success.

Know when that's snapped into the sharpest clarity for me? After the lowest parts of my life. When I was a broke, unemployed loser on probation in another state and my parents were ashamed of me, and I decided to take psilocybin, and I stayed up all night & watched the sun come up and just felt in love with life and existence. Or when I was diagnosed with a lifelong disease that'll probably kill me one day and received all the support that I did, two of my friends actually bought plane tickets to come and tell me that it'd be OK.



I think I'm going to quit drinking, at least for a while. I went into the bar tonight and had a strange experience. I felt nausea pretty much as soon as I walked into the door, about half-way through my first drink I started getting lightheaded, sweating a lot, I had to excuse myself from the conversation I was having, went into the bathroom and retched a few times (but didn't throw up). I saw stars for a few seconds. Finally after a few minutes and an audible "pull it together" from myself, I splashed some water on my face, returned to the bar, finished my drink and returned home.

I'm disappointed that I won't be able to get that social release now, as that's what going to the bar has given me thus far (it's not about consuming alcohol so much, I can get wasted much more cheaply at home), and I might start drinking again if I feel differently in the future, but yeah, definitely going to take a break. Alcohol and I have had a good run, anyway.

[#FF0000]

I've never been on a worksite where people knew how to communicate things, especially to temps. All last week, people (including my "supervisor") were talking about how the rest of the days until the new year (in total: four) are "optional" because there's a total lack of work until halfway through January. With this in mind, I get up this morning, notice my tire's flat, and decide to just not go in instead of deal with the hassle of figuring out how everyone is getting to work since I have to take someone else's car. Turns out today wasn't optional at all and so this was just a no-call-no-show.

I won't lose the job over this but fuck am I annoyed. You see temps get all kinds of shit because of things like this -- managers saying one thing and expecting another, and blaming workers for management's incompetence in letting people know what's going on and letting rumors go around instead.

[Ele'ill]

so the previously mentioned situation could probably be life altering but it isn't the worst of what I have been through, in the past though I felt mentally stronger and my mental health was in better shape and it's not like I'm having trouble coping with it I thought until I drank last night and relaxed and realized how angry / stressed I had been about it. I haven't felt that kind of a relaxed reaction to alcohol for many years. I also have not been using tobacco and am using nicotine gum so maybe that had something to do with it

[Rugged Collectivist]

I went to McDonald's for breakfast (mistake #1). I foolishly decided to get one of those ridiculous platters (2) and dropped it, not once, but twice! (3 & 4) The first time it miraculously landed on the lid so the bottom piece came off but none of the food touched the ground. I ate the sausage in the car but I dropped it again (in the dirt) when I got out of the car in front of my house. On top of that they forgot my hashbrown. I basically paid 6 fucking dollars to eat a sausage patty and literally nothing else. I even put the change they gave me into their little donation box (which I never do) so I lost that as well.

When I got in the house I was so outraged that I stomped on a $1, cardboard, New Year's hat and then I felt bad for the hat. What's wrong with me?

[human strike]

So I'm finding so many things to be triggering - just constant reminders of shit all the time. Sometimes you don't appreciate just how much people talk about some things until you find it triggering and then it feels like it's almost all anyone ever talks about. I'm pretty sure it happens virtually every day, I'll be in a conversation or I'll overhear a conversation where people are talking about shit I really don't want to think about. Even people who are usually really on it and careful with this stuff end up bringing it up too. I'm not holding that against anyone especially, it just majorly sucks.

And I've gotta get up to go to court in a few hours (for something completely unrelated). Hoo-fuckin'-ray.

[Sinister Intents]

So I'm finding so many things to be triggering - just constant reminders of shit all the time. Sometimes you don't appreciate just how much people talk about some things until you find it triggering and then it feels like it's almost all anyone ever talks about. I'm pretty sure it happens virtually every day, I'll be in a conversation or I'll overhear a conversation where people are talking about shit I really don't want to think about. Even people who are usually really on it and careful with this stuff end up bringing it up too. I'm not holding that against anyone especially, it just majorly sucks.

I can relate to this so heavily, comrade :(

[NewLeft]

I am recovering. Some thoughts on mental health and recovery.

Diagnosis is a mess. I wish they could do some kind of brain test instead of asking me for symptoms. There's too many symptoms and not enough time to say them all. My diagnosis got reduced to bipolar I, ocd and social anxiety. Originally it wasn't clear if I had borderline personality disorder, but once I was stabilized, I was cleared from having it. I still did DBT and found it somewhat useful (particularly the mindfulness). I would recommend it for anyone struggling with distress and emotional instability. Medication is the only thing that helped with the depression. No amount of therapy compares, but that does not mean therapy was useless. In fact, it's probably going to be more helpful now that I'm stabilized and can actually think straight. Individual therapy has been more useful for the trauma and social anxiety. Once you get stabilized you only begin to realize how messed up your thinking was when you were in an episode. I just can't believe how many years of my life I lost to obsessive manic social anxiety depressive disorder. I think what pisses me off is how depression (which is what I struggled with 90% of the time) can make you believe that there is a reason for you to be depressed. What I now realize is that the depression comes first (not the thoughts) and it creeps up without warning. Depression is a physical thing.

[Art Vandelay]

Getting a really strong urge to hurt myself. I have no idea why. Things going fine, nothing went wrong today despite myself feeling somewhat irritable. I was outside smoking a cigarette and I had to put it out about a 1/4 of the way through cause I've put smokes out on my body before and I was tempted to do the same. There are so many razor blades in this house, its so tempting to break open a razor head and feel some fucking relief from the all the shit building up inside of me. I'd honestly prefer if no one responds to this, which is why I'm going to wrap this in spoiler tags. I haven't had this strong of an urge to self harm in months and I already feel sad and pathetic for posting this here, I just needed to write down my thoughts somewhere and don't have anyone to talk to at the moment. Ugh, what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm going to try and focus on my breathing and work my way through this without doing anything dumb.

[Ele'ill]

I gotta get a place to stay, I have to do a lot of things. Maybe get a second job? Get a vehicle? I don't want to do that though, maybe just cheap one. A pickup truck or something (vans are pretty expensive). Then from there get a place to stay, but I can't afford a place. Don't know what I can afford with truck/apartment but I think it should all start with a haircut (again) tomorrow morning, and a bit of caffeine. No sense getting another job/staying with current job/getting place/truck if I am just going to move somewhere to another coast or whatever. Two different thoughts there. The actual question here is what does it matter if/since this is all going to happen again anyways and when I can live in those two mental spaces at the same time all the time. I can't take care of myself but I don't want to be around anybody (I do but just never them) and nobody wants to be around me (and it's because of unpredictable, dangerous life change stuff like this and I don't blame them, everyone else I haven't met and won't because I go through life sparing folks the trouble like 'hey how are you you probably think i'm dope right now (if you are an idiot) but in less than a week that will suddenly change so gonna save u the trouble of having to deal with that even day to day shits obviously wrong hey gonna go into library bathroom and break down for 20 minutes a pop just because oh wake up on a thursday wonder why everything is the way it is /what happened last three days suddenly not even on same coast, in jail, in park listening to owls at night only recall those nights strung together like one long night and the days i couldn't possibly tell you about but yeah we should def. hang out probably never because you can't go where I go and the people who understand know better