Pour Your Heart Out XIX

[Leftsolidarity]

Liberate your emotions as we shall liberate the working class!

[Goblin]

My depression is pretty bad right now. But it usually is at this time of year though. Im also really anxious. Im gonna start my drivers ed (is that what it´s called?) next month, and i´m not looking forward to that. Im gonna have to drive a car (which is really scary), while having some complete stranger sitting next to me and take notes of everything i do.

Gonna try to apply to university next year. Hopefully i get to study something that i´m interested in, psychology or history or something. My grades are really bad, so it would be a miracle if they would let me in though.

[Quail]

Can barely see straight. Good old booze.

[Ele'ill]

Can barely see straight. Good old booze.

and music, btw blue moon agave (coors light brewery's attempt at good beer) tastes like shit and so does skunked guinness extra stout this is going to be a bad night

[Leftsolidarity]

Looks like my friend is going to jail for a long time.

I saw this story on the local scanner on friday about 2 guys stealing vases and getting busted later that day. Turns out one of them was a friend of mine who's been in and out of jail for a long time but had recently (kind of) turned his life around and was at least staying out of prison. Now they're charged with felony theft and with his record I bet that'll be a hefty sentence.

I'm not like his best buddy ever but he is close friends with my friend that I shared a room with so we became pretty good friends and hung out a decent amount. This is a major bummer.

[Zukunftsmusik]

Gonna try to apply to university next year. Hopefully i get to study something that i´m interested in, psychology or history or something. My grades are really bad, so it would be a miracle if they would let me in though.

Unfortunately, the grades you need to get in on psychology are very high, at least for the "profession study". I'm studying history, starting now (in one week! yikes), and I think you only need 3 point something, at least in Trondheim. Crossing fingers!

[Ele'ill]

tequila and lemonade/juice and ice all fancy until pouring it into a glass becomes too much work

[Decolonize The Left]

Looks like my friend is going to jail for a long time.

I saw this story on the local scanner on friday about 2 guys stealing vases and getting busted later that day. Turns out one of them was a friend of mine who's been in and out of jail for a long time but had recently (kind of) turned his life around and was at least staying out of prison. Now they're charged with felony theft and with his record I bet that'll be a hefty sentence.

I'm not like his best buddy ever but he is close friends with my friend that I shared a room with so we became pretty good friends and hung out a decent amount. This is a major bummer.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope he has a decent lawyer that can either argue that down to a misdemeanor or lessen his sentence.

[Igor]

Unfortunately, the grades you need to get in on psychology are very high, at least for the "profession study". I'm studying history, starting now (in one week! yikes), and I think you only need 3 point something, at least in Trondheim. Crossing fingers!

what kind of system for uni admission there is in norway? is it just high school grades, admission test, combination of these or what?

[Zukunftsmusik]

what kind of system for uni admission there is in norway? is it just high school grades, admission test, combination of these or what?

Generally just high school grades. Some studies require that you have taken certain classes, but that's mostly different civil engineer studies, so who gives a shit. Other, more "special" studies (architecture, art, music) require admission test and that you have completed high school, or grades plus test. And then there's one architecture school who demands first a motivation letter, then a couple of difficult and somewhat personal questions answered, then, if they still like you, you can come for an interview. They have some thousand people applying every year, but let in only 30 people. I know all this cause my girlfriend applied (she didn't get in).

[Goblin]

Unfortunately, the grades you need to get in on psychology are very high, at least for the "profession study". I'm studying history, starting now (in one week! yikes), and I think you only need 3 point something, at least in Trondheim. Crossing fingers!

Yeah, you need top grades to get into the profession study. But im pretty sure i can get into the one year study course, and then try to get into the profession study after i finish that. Oh well, we´ll see.

If not, theres always history. Yeah, i think it´s about 3 points here in Oslo as well. Good luck with school.

[Goblin]

My sleep cycle is all fucked up! I haven´t slept in almost two days. My stupid fucking doctor wont give me valium anymore, all i get are these eastern european antidepressants. They don´t make me tired at all!

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm too clumsy to be able to successfully learn a bunch of hands-on skills and too impatient/screwed up to go to school for long enough to get a job where I wouldn't have to do that.
Today I had to go in to school to practice some of the old skills I had to make sure I will be ready for my internship, but I totally won't. I couldn't even restrain a 4-pound cat. My instructor kept trying to show me the right way to do things (things I should have learned months ago), and I could swear I was doing exactly what she was showing me, but nothing was working.
I remember now why I feel like there's no hope for the future, even when I do have a plan.

[Decolonize The Left]

I'm too clumsy to be able to successfully learn a bunch of hands-on skills and too impatient/screwed up to go to school for long enough to get a job where I wouldn't have to do that.
Today I had to go in to school to practice some of the old skills I had to make sure I will be ready for my internship, but I totally won't. I couldn't even restrain a 4-pound cat. My instructor kept trying to show me the right way to do things (things I should have learned months ago), and I could swear I was doing exactly what she was showing me, but nothing was working.
I remember now why I feel like there's no hope for the future, even when I do have a plan.

You can restrain a four pound cat, and you can learn the hands-on skills. Mind over matter; and in this case it's about telling your mind to shut the fuck up and grabbing that four pound cat and restraining the fuck out of it because it needs it shot or oral medicine or a belly rub or whatever.

The only thing you can't do in regards to this work is what you tell yourself you can't do. You are more than capable of succeeding in being ready for your internship - you must rise above your doubts and fears and put yourself in a position to succeed.

I believe that you can do this. You, in some way, do as well. Find that part of you and embody it because it's the only way forward. And restrain that fucking cat!

[Goblin]

I just cut for the first time in a while, and it felt really good to be honest. These past couple of months have been really shitty. I have been so fucking depressed. I have even been contemplating suicide lately. Cant remember the last time i actually thought about killing myself.

[Decolonize The Left]

I just cut for the first time in a while, and it felt really good to be honest. These past couple of months have been really shitty. I have been so fucking depressed. I have even been contemplating suicide lately. Cant remember the last time i actually thought about killing myself.

Cutting always feels good but it is never a solution. You have no reason to hate your body or disfigure it because of your pain - your body knows your pain; they are one and the same.

The next time the urge comes to you try substituting it with something else: I used to take walks. Being outside is healthy and good for your mind. If you can't take walks then find a spot to sit at and look out over something bigger than you. You want to push your mind forward, not inwards.

If you absolutely need to cut then at least do it safely with a small, sterilized, blade. Often times going through the process of sterilizing, setting up, etc... can deter one as the whole thing seems silly at that point. Why punish your body when you are nothing more than that? You don't need punishing; you need uplifting. Would you beat a dog when you wanted it to be happier?

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I am very anxious about heading off to college on the 31st. While I am also very excited and eager to start to start a new chapter in my life I am scared of becoming burnt out (like the last time I was in Day School full-time) and of contracting illness while studying (which for me throws off my game seriously even if it is just the Common Cold). Then there is the money I do not have... in addition there is my roommate who-while being a good guy- annoys me in a certain degree like you wouldn't imagine; his self-centeredness irks me. I imagine things will be fine but even before move-in day I find myself thinking about everything which could go wrong with him.

It can be quite exhausting to be honest.

[Comrade Jacob]

I need to get out of the house but I fear it's too late, my skin may burn up if I leave in the light of the sun.

[Landsharks eat metal]

everything is my fault :(

[Ele'ill]

i have no way to become less poor, I have nothing to offer the work world, society, civilization, there are no avenues of struggle worth pursuing none that offer fight and none really that offer any remote feeling of fun or liberation, everything is terrible, everything is dead, my actual physiological death is the freedom being alive has offered me fuck life

[Ele'ill]

*to reiterate, fuck everything

[Skyhilist]

I just arrived at my family's annual reunion in Wisconsin. I have the most reactionary family ever... Many of them even make a show of being reactionaries like my backwards ass bourgeois uncle who is hosting the reunion this year and has giant "support Scott Walker" signs all over his garage. It's going to be a long few days...

[G4b3n]

I just cut for the first time in a while, and it felt really good to be honest. These past couple of months have been really shitty. I have been so fucking depressed. I have even been contemplating suicide lately. Cant remember the last time i actually thought about killing myself.

Have you tried using marijuana?
I do not suffer from depression per se but when I am feeling depressed it generally helps me and allows me to view things from different perspectives with less prejudice allowing me a better chance to alter my emotional state.

[Quail]

Have you tried using marijuana?
I do not suffer from depression per se but when I am feeling depressed it generally helps me and allows me to view things from different perspectives with less prejudice allowing me a better chance to alter my emotional state.
I wouldn't really recommend this. I have anxiety issues and I find that cannabis can make them worse so I have to avoid it when I'm feeling bad.

[Decolonize The Left]

I wouldn't really recommend this. I have anxiety issues and I find that cannabis can make them worse so I have to avoid it when I'm feeling bad.

I second this. If fact, I'd go so far as to say that avoiding all drugs and alcohol is a good route to take when severely depressed.

[Ele'ill]

there are few things as annoying as the various drug cults suggesting things like 'sad why don't u have a whiskey it'll relax you' immediately after you've just explained that you have problems with alcohol and the THC cult which is probably the worst with stuff like 'yo u get paranoid and anxiety because you haven't smoked enough i kno what it is like u just have to keep smoking it then u get higher and feel better'

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

So about a week ago a girl who I used to be in contact with ~5 years ago and kinda rejected in not the nicest way replied to one of my several messages over the years to wish me congratulations on graduating. We started chatting and then she said, when I asked, that she didn't really want to talk any more because i'd betrayed her trust.

It's like you see the light and then it's gone. Still, kinda nice to know she's alive after years of nothing. Bittersweet.

[Art Vandelay]

I've missed you guys :)

[Le Socialiste]

I've missed you guys :)

Glad to have you back.

[Workers-Control-Over-Prod]

So, after months of doggedly chasing after any job I could find, I finally signed my final employment forms for the next month and will start getting paid Tuesday. First thing I will buy are a new pair of shoes and sneakers, higher class razor blades that won't aggravate my skin, and one or two nice suits. Hell, I can now even seriously ask a family member for help with getting an automobile.

Even though I'm excited to meet some new people, get the fuck out of these four walls and am happy to have escaped the months of indignant torture which is unemployment, I feel kind of strange now - It grew on me when I went on a long and originally joyful and brisk walk after getting my uniform fittings, just how far I have let myself go; months of unemployment really isolates you, and after a while you just assume that, because society deems you unnecessary, people you meet in real life don't want anything to do with you. But that's not true. Sitting on the bus today, I did my lumpenproltarian routine of putting my headphones on and just sitting there by myself. This time I noticed the other people and fellow passengers a lot more though. I had this urge to speak to this girl sitting a few seats away from me, but I didn't know how, it's simply not my routine, it's not me.

Even though I'm excited for having gotten a fairly decent job and being able to go out again, the struggle continues!

[ed miliband]

i was sitting eating sushi and this girl came over to me and started talking in sign language. i indicated that i didn't understand, and she handed me a card saying that she was working with a group for deaf and mute people in the area, and asking whether i had any change to spare. i had change, but i needed it for later and i've been a bit too generous than i can afford lately, so i apologised and wished her luck.

now i wouldn't feel bad, but she had the warmest smile and kindest eyes i've ever encountered. seriously. i feel horrible about it now.

[Goblin]

Have you tried using marijuana?
I do not suffer from depression per se but when I am feeling depressed it generally helps me and allows me to view things from different perspectives with less prejudice allowing me a better chance to alter my emotional state.

I don´t smoke weed. Like Quail and Manoir said, weed and other substances usually makes the problem worse. Though they can be very tempting.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

So, I am beginning to really, really, really HATE living with my brother. It was really cool at first however it's now become incredibly lame. What sucks the most is we both have the same habit however he's gone completely off the deep end and even though we're supposed to be helping each other not be icky, somehow all the product is his and if it's not, I'm in debt. Every single move I make is criticized at every point, no matter how trivial or how ridiculous or how hypocritical it is of him, he always has something to say. I'm always wrong, he's always right and "knows whats best for us." I'm always the piece of shit even though he habitually tries to swindle me and or put everything into his favor and then wonders why I do the same. This is fucking bullshit, I don't care if I'm the little sister and a girl and shit, I don't need fucking a surrogate parent, for FUCK's sake get off my FUCKING ass! :crying:

[Art Vandelay]

So, I am beginning to really, really, really HATE living with my brother. It was really cool at first however it's now become incredibly lame. What sucks the most is we both have the same habit however he's gone completely off the deep end and even though we're supposed to be helping each other not be icky, somehow all the product is his and if it's not, I'm in debt. Every single move I make is criticized at every point, no matter how trivial or how ridiculous or how hypocritical it is of him, he always has something to say. I'm always wrong, he's always right and "knows whats best for us." I'm always the piece of shit even though he habitually tries to swindle me and or put everything into his favor and then wonders why I do the same. This is fucking bullshit, I don't care if I'm the little sister and a girl and shit, I don't need fucking a surrogate parent, for FUCK's sake get off my FUCKING ass! :crying:

I'm sorry to hear about that voxxy :( You should message me of you need to talk.

[Bright Banana Beard]

My ex broke up to go back and fix the relationship with the kids's father. She wanted to stay friend but I can't even though her family welcomed me.

Here's to the women that dream of fixing up relationship to the cheating and cheap dad.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Why am I so hard to love? :(

[La Guaneña]

Why the fuck can't I just detach to these possessive feellings stringed to 'love' and relationships? I really really know she loves me back, that she cares for me, and that if she decides to kiss or fuck a few people it probably wouldn't change shit?

this stuff just makes me really sad and it makes her feel guilty for even thinking about that kind of stuff. damn i hate this bourgeois feeling

[Fourth Internationalist]

My friends are horrible people. Horrible.

Sent from my SCH-I200 using Tapatalk 4

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

feel as though everything and everyone has/have passed me by this summer. People seem to be doing things, going places, achieving things, hooking up with new people, and I seem to have just - as I feared I might - stagnated.

Really bad psychological feeling, that is, to have just wasted time. It's the one thing I hate to do and always regret.

[Quail]

I didn't go to Judo tonight because my partner wanted to go out to a Bowie exhibition. I feel really guilty for being lazy. Recently I've been feeling guilty because Jitsu isn't as intense as Judo so I still feel lazy even after 2 hours exercise because it wasn't intense enough, and that is a bit ridiculous. I'm going to have to make up tomorrow for missing Judo because it's really bothering me. I hope this isn't some sneaky coup by my body image issues to regain control of my thoughts.

[Leftsolidarity]

About the weed thing, it's definitely not good advice for everyone but will help some. Personally, smoking usually helps me when I get into my slumps and has been very helpful for me in many ways from the ability to get real sleep to stabilizing my emotions. If I've been smoking too much for weeks non-stop that will make it worse, though. It's about finding what is best for your body and stuff like weed/alcohol is not universal.

------

I realized yesterday that my dad didn't realize I accidently came out to him a few months back. I was worried when it slipped out cuz I didn't know how he'd react but he didn't act weird towards me so I thought it was all chill and he just didnt bring it up ever.

Nope. He just didn't realize it and that's why nothing changed. Now I'm disappointed cuz that means I still have to do that someday and I might not get that same feeling I had when I thought it didn't make a difference. I don't like being queer, I have not seen the upside to it.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Fucking shit, why does another one of my friends have to die

[Art Vandelay]

Fucking shit, why does another one of my friends have to die

My condolences man. :(

[Ele'ill]

the synthetic beef burger thread is at page 7

[Landsharks eat metal]

Lately I've been having a sort of recurring dream that always makes me feel terrible. It's not always the same situation or people around me, but somehow, I end up being naked around someone else and I'm just sitting there worrying about what they would do if they saw the cuts/scars on my chest and upper legs (since everyone irl thinks I stopped doing that a long time ago). I am upset at the thought, but then I am almost more upset when the person doesn't notice or sees them and doesn't say anything.

That's the normal one. Last night, though, the dream was with my sister, and she actually noticed and started freaking out and getting mad and threatening to make me go to the hospital.

I don't know which is more upsetting, but it makes me really worried about not being able to hide everything for some reason. It's not like anybody is actually going to be seeing me naked.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

people always let you down. always fucking let you down. it's like a theme and it doesn't get better.

[Ele'ill]

all of a sudden I want to live

[Ele'ill]

it happens every autumn

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

it's still summer dammit!

[Polaris]

But as far as summertime freedom is concerned, there are only 2 more days of that over here. Going back to school is upsetting.
It seems that bad things travel in packs. It's never just one thing, everything just heaps up on top of one another, pushing an pushing until you can block it out any longer-- which frequently happens at the worst times. But I guess there's never a good time.
I can look at my friends lives and see how fortunate they are, while I'm over hear drowning in death, debt, self-hatred. Any rational person would probably say that most of the events in my life aren't my fault, but it seems at least odd that so many traumatic things should happen to me, while my peers seem to be able to go through 14 years with seldom a hitch.
I don't like to blame everything on income, but when I think about it having a $100K+ income like their families (there are a lot of rich kids in gifted programs, since they can pay their way in...) would have certainly changed big parts of my life. Adequate health care would have done wonders. Less stress about money issues could have prevented abuse. We could have lived in a safer neighborhood. Et al.
Perhaps the reason so many bad things have happened is more of a snowball effect. One negative experience resulted in me seeming weak, and others preyed upon that-- but that doesn't explain things that aren't the result of others' actions. It occurred to me that maybe I am just more sensitive to these things than others, but I have tried to be objective and my experiences are definitely not normal.
Thank you for reading my vague ramblings. I know I will regret this when I wake up tomorrow.

[BIXX]

I feel fucking disgusting. Today I realized I'm fatter than I ever have been before and it's making me fucking hate myself.

Plus, I can't show anyone I care about how much I care about them. Like, I'll an something like a date with my girlfriend (which I am already really stressed about doing) and she will get all excited and it'll be a let down...

My entire life feels like one of those sentences you plan out really carefully, but no matter how carefully you plan it, it comes out sounding wrong...

[Polaris]

But as far as summertime freedom is concerned, there are only 2 more days of that over here. Going back to school is upsetting.
It seems that bad things...
:mellow: I don't even remember writing this. If no one had thanked it, I probably would have never known. And here I was thinking I must have done something fun last night.

[Ele'ill]

pumpkin beers help me think

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

Out-fucking-standing, I have to go to a 30 day rehab to keep my job, fantastic. :(

#CharlieSheenProblems

[Questionable]

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before...there's this girl I know, but she's got a boyfriend already.

We were good friends in high school, but we drifted apart after graduation. After two years of zero contact, I decided what the hell, and sent her a message saying hello on Facebook.

And...wow, we just went right back to it. There was no awkwardness at all. It was like we had never stopped being friends.

You know that feel, when you click so well with a person that you forget you're even making a conversation because its all so effortless, and you're both totally in sync with each other and it just feels like you could say anything and they'd understand? That's how it felt. We even started telling each other things that we hadn't told anyone else, stuff her boyfriend apparently didn't even know about her. We even admitted that we were attracted to each other back in high school but were both too nervous to say anything.

To top it all off, she complains about her current partner. A lot. And not the typical "He's a messy person" stuff that you sometimes hear, it's big things, like saying she "should have left him when college started," or that she can't see them ever getting married. I'm not interested in trying to split up a happy relationship, but hearing stuff like that from her makes me think not all is well, and maybe it's not a total waste of time to keep her in mind.

For now I'll simply keep being the best friend I can be. She's even agreed to meet up sometime (with her boyfriend there, but at least it's a start). It's just tough having this person that I mesh incredibly well with, but knowing she's just out of reach.

[Art Vandelay]

Kill unborn babies. Smoke meth. Give nukes to dprk. Hail satan.

:cool:

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Kill unborn babies. Smoke meth. Give nukes to dprk. Hail satan.

:cool:
hail satan motherfucker


[edit]
fuck it's 4AM i have to be up in 6 hours and I'm wasted omg

[Art Vandelay]

Alot of the times I just feel like the sum total of alot of mistakes.

[Brutus]

Alot of the times I just feel like the sum total of alot of mistakes.

Like your incorrectly sleeping of a lot?

[Art Vandelay]

Like your incorrectly sleeping of a lot?

I'm not sure what this means.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I don't know if I can really imagine life ever actually getting better. It doesn't. Nothing is going to work out.

[Quail]

I don't know if I can really imagine life ever actually getting better. It doesn't. Nothing is going to work out.
Try to remember that you're looking at life and your future through the lens of depression. I know I've said this before, but a few years ago I just assumed I was eventually going to die from my eating disorder or kill myself so I couldn't see any kind of future at all for myself, let alone a positive one. Now though, I feel as though there are loads of cool things I could do in the future and I feel better. Things aren't perfect; I still have days where I don't want to eat, days where I get too anxious to leave the house or obsessional thoughts drive me insane, days where bad memories fuck me over, but stuff did get better than I could ever possibly have imagined when I was at a low point. I'm sure they will for you too. :)

[Ele'ill]

Expectations within social interactions with people both who I know and those I don't. The demand for a common theater routine that I cannot pull out from within me, if it's even in there somewhere at all. More often than not I attempt to oblige anyways and it is a physical pain of sorts. To lie to myself and try to pull that disingenuous bullshit out from the place I'm actually at inside. Every crack in the sidewalk a step into a tiny world away but hey how are you yeah hey I am doing pretty good.

Even worse is knowing people when you are okay too because they don't understand that, or not being okay by yourself. None of that is really fair to anyone.

[Quail]

I feel anxious and crap and useless. OCD is driving me mad at the moment (maybe due to the added anxiety of wasp-phobia and not wanting to leave the house because I'm worried about having a panic attack) and I feel like I must look like such an idiot randomly tapping stuff with both hands, etc. Like, "Shit I only stepped on that line with my right foot, must go back and do it with my left." It feels so silly but I can't not do it. When I'm walking outside I'm basically continuously counting. Counting stairs/steps, counting to make sure I step on bits of the pavement an even number of times, etc. Getting more horrible violent images burned into my mind. This sucks. Also I like ate a whole tub of vegan ice cream and puked today which I feel really annoyed at myself for. I pretty much just ate a couple of spoonfuls, zoned out and the tub was empty.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I feel anxious and crap and useless. OCD is driving me mad at the moment (maybe due to the added anxiety of wasp-phobia and not wanting to leave the house because I'm worried about having a panic attack) and I feel like I must look like such an idiot randomly tapping stuff with both hands, etc. Like, "Shit I only stepped on that line with my right foot, must go back and do it with my left." It feels so silly but I can't not do it. When I'm walking outside I'm basically continuously counting. Counting stairs/steps, counting to make sure I step on bits of the pavement an even number of times, etc. Getting more horrible violent images burned into my mind. This sucks. Also I like ate a whole tub of vegan ice cream and puked today which I feel really annoyed at myself for. I pretty much just ate a couple of spoonfuls, zoned out and the tub was empty.
I was like that as a kid, OCD. I don't know how I grew out of it. I had to make sure my steps divided evenly into sets of four. Also, for about a year, I had to end sentences with a certain syllable depending on the last word.


I still have weird, sporadic urges to do things in sets of four but, like I said, somehow I learned how to bury it for the most part when I was 11 or 12.

[NewLeft]

what started out as anxiety/ocd might have become more serious. i am starting to lose it for good. i am becoming more paranoid, had my first psychotic episode and its getting harder to recognize reality. it doesn't help that my immediate family has a history of schizo. i am very poor at handling stress and i am afraid of what is to come. i don't have access to a psychiatrist till next month and i have already booked an appointment

[Quail]

what started out as anxiety/ocd might have become more serious. i am starting to lose it for good. i am becoming more paranoid, had my first psychotic episode and its getting harder to recognize reality. it doesn't help that my immediate family has a history of schizo. i am very poor at handling stress and i am afraid of what is to come. i don't have access to a psychiatrist till next month and i have already booked an appointment
If things get really serious can you go to A&E (or your country's equivalent)? In the UK you're supposed to be able to get access to a mental health professional. Also, do you have the number for your local crisis team (or something equivalent)? When I was under the care of the mental health services they gave me a number I could call if I was having severe problems.

Do you have someone close who knows what's going on who can support you?

[Quail]

I was like that as a kid, OCD. I don't know how I grew out of it. I had to make sure my steps divided evenly into sets of four. Also, for about a year, I had to end sentences with a certain syllable depending on the last word.

I still have weird, sporadic urges to do things in sets of four but, like I said, somehow I learned how to bury it for the most part when I was 11 or 12.
It gets worse when my general anxiety is worse. I'm hoping it will improve, but unless I stop getting horrible intrusive thoughts I don't really see how that would happen. The way I've been told to deal with intrusive thoughts is accepting them as just thoughts but when I'm seeing constant images of myself hurting myself and (more often) other people I can't just relax because those images are terrifying and I get scared I will somehow lose control of myself and actually do these horrible things. The counting and stuff kind of pushes all of that out of my head. If that makes sense and I don't just sound like a mass murderer waiting to happen.

[Art Vandelay]

Sometimes the sad feelings, are even more depressing now that I'm doing better. Its like the constant reminder that no matter what, these feelings are inescapable; no matter how many times I convince myself to just put that one foot in front of the other, its all futile and it only gets further reminded to me in the long run. Whats the point of trying to improve when you've been diagnosed with MDD, so you know regardless of whatever temporary improvements you make, you're going to be subjected to periods of extreme depressive episodes continually throughout your life. So those fleeting moments of temporary satisfaction end up feeling all the more fleeting? Eh, I'm not even sad at the moment, just can't get this feeling of my progress being a temporary illusion out of my head.

[Decolonize The Left]

In regards to the previous couple posts, I'd like to remind all my friends here that all depression/OCD/schiz/whatever is made worse by stress (both emotional and physical). This is a biological phenomenon and ought to be taken into account (it involves the triggering of a specific nervous system and subsequent release of hormones).

Ways to relieve stress include physical activity, being outside, avoiding drugs and alcohol, drinking lots of water, being with loved ones, posting in this thread for support, whatever you need to do.

Just want to generally say that stress sucks and it only makes everything worse. However, we often ignore it in an attempt to 'power through' or whatever when in fact we should take our stress seriously and try to de-stress as much as possible.

My love to you all.

[BIXX]

So, I've been feeling like utter shit the past week and a half, so last night I drank myself to death and I don't remember the night mostly except at one point a lot of people were watching me and at another I was puking.

Drinking away emotions doesn't really work, obviously...

On a brighter note, slightly before I got sloshed I started a new tattoo. However I got bored part of the way through so it'll probably need to be finished over the next week.

[Quail]

My partner heard me being sick yesterday and said, "I didn't know you were a stalinist. You sure seem to like purges." It was kind of funny but at the same time depressing. I have binged and purged 4 times in the past 3 days and it needs to stop before I get back into the habit.

[Sentinel]

The Stalinist joke was a bit brutal, but funny. :grin: I have dark humour kind of like your partner I guess.

But on a more serious note, you should perhaps try the LCHF diet or some variant thereof. Only eating protein and fat, and no carbohydrates, will optimise your weight in a few months and make you feel physically and mentally harmonious.

Did that for me at least. I've been a bit too liberal with it lately, and should get more hardline again. But so far at least I've kept my weight down at ideal despite for example drinking generous amounts of beer. :)

[Landsharks eat metal]

I should have never been born. Someone like me can't exist in the world. How can I live when I'm so scared to talk to people because I feel like they're going to hate me but at the same time I'm scared of being alone and friendless? No matter where I end up, I'm going to die alone. No matter how many people try to help me, I am too stubborn to to be happy.

[Decolonize The Left]

I should have never been born. Someone like me can't exist in the world. How can I live when I'm so scared to talk to people because I feel like they're going to hate me but at the same time I'm scared of being alone and friendless? No matter where I end up, I'm going to die alone. No matter how many people try to help me, I am too stubborn to to be happy.

We all die alone, my friend, but it isn't death that deserves our attention, it's life. Death is with us at all times like our shadow on a bright day. But we don't spend our whole lives walking backwards and attempting to flee our shadow do we? No, our shadow is no more escapable than the light which give it (and us) life.

If anything, your fears now will make you that much stronger when it does come time to die. You will be able to know that you have worked through such obstacles that threatened your will to live. You will know that despite these obstacles you prevailed and sought out your happiness and well-being. You will be that much stronger than one who did not have to struggle. That person will die a weak death just like their life, but not you.

I fear that you may be the strongest of us all. But my fear is not in regards to that strength being yours, rather, it is in regards to whether or not you will seize it and turn it into a tool for ascension. I hope that you do.

[Goblin]

Depressed as fuck as usual. Been cutting a lot today. On my stomach of all places. Probably cuz i´m drunk. Haven´t been drunk in like 4 months or something. I always cut when i´m drunk though. Also i have seriously been thinking about suicide tonight. Won´t go through with it though. To much of wuss. If i had a gun i would have blown my brains out a long time ago. Oh well. Bleh.

[Quail]

Depressed as fuck as usual. Been cutting a lot today. On my stomach of all places. Probably cuz i´m drunk. Haven´t been drunk in like 4 months or something. I always cut when i´m drunk though. Also i have seriously been thinking about suicide tonight. Won´t go through with it though. To much of wuss. If i had a gun i would have blown my brains out a long time ago. Oh well. Bleh.
Drunk cutting is the worst. It's too easy to do more damage than intended. Hope you're not in too bad shape and hope you feel better this morning.

[Leftsolidarity]

Last night while I was drunk I was told that one of my friends committed suicide the night before. Didn't really click until now. What a bummer.

[Thirsty Crow]

So, I've been feeling like utter shit the past week and a half, so last night I drank myself to death and I don't remember the night mostly except at one point a lot of people were watching me and at another I was puking.

Drinking away emotions doesn't really work, obviously...

No, it most certainly doesn't. I should know by now. The same goes for problems that aren't apparently emotional. But fuck it, when it's as if you're driven to (by what, exactly?) search a false solution to a problem in drinking yourself to oblivion, or maybe just trying to escape (for how long, and what's to follow then this becomes less then enough?). This is something that shocked me recently, that some of my dear friends found it necessary to warn me that this might be the start of the road to alcoholism.

[Futility Personified]

So I moved back home. Waiting on hearing about a job, hopefully in Bristol, with the end result I must sit tight for a month, try and find part time work, earn some dosh to save up for a place. Living in a house with 2 drunks really distorts your understanding of what is normal behaviour, and coming back to that, keeping out of their way while normally being sufficient, still doesn't stop the depressing aura around the place seeping right into you. What's worse is they've gotten worse since I left. My brother got kicked out of the conservative club, (I surmise he was there in the first place because he is banned from most other places), because he started calling them all communists. If I ever met Alex Jones in real life, that motherfucker would have a lot to answer for.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I hate how whenever someone dies in my family everybody gets all freakishly protective of me and starts talking to me like I'm about to die too or something. And having to say goodbye to family afterwards because they're all thinking "this might be the last time I see them." I don't know I just handle death differently then most I guess, I just get over it real quick after the first couple days if it's someone close to me. What else am I supposed to do except to accept it, move on, and keep them in memory? Now I'm getting texts and calls non-stop from my parents about how they hope I'm safe and how my mom wishes she was here for me to get me through this. Get through what, I'm just fine. And I don't understand how anybody can help anybody in this situation anyways. There's a problem, that being someone's dead, where's the solution. I know it's all good to be there with each other, but my family gets all religious it sucks. The most depressing part is them sitting there debating on whether whoever died got to heaven or not. Like my uncle that just died was an awesome guy, never fucked people over in life, just your stereotypical working class guy. He got off work, he went down to the bar and talked sports, came home, ate slept, etc. but apparently because he was a heavy drinker(not even a bad drunk, not angry or mean, the joyful one you talked to about movies and shit drinking) he might not get to heaven. Like come on, he has one vice but he's an altogether awesome guy and you're all debating on whether you'll see him in heaven?! That's the depressing shit.

[BIXX]

I wish people who I care about had a reason to trust me.

I'm also a shitty son.

I am really sad... I think I'm gonna get smashed for the next couple of days.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I'm in pretty much constant physical pain. Either my heart hurts, or my abdomen hurts. Usually there's a dull, aching pain somewhere, though. I guess there's a one in three chance that I'll be dead before I turn 40, which means that the majority of my life is perhaps already behind me. A pretty depressing thought. I'm not really afraid of death but I don't want to die like that...I already feel like I'm not meant to be alive anymore. I'm dependent on industrial medicine to survive on a day to day basis. I hate this.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Got fired from my job last night. I thought it was more laid back than it is but it's probably just the fact that the boss that fires and hires doesn't like me and I'm not really in that clique I guess. I got fired because I haven't shown up to work twice this month(other day was at beginning of month on fourth for my cousins wedding, I took a sick day for it because "it wasn't an emergency") even though other people do it about every other week on a consistent basis. How these people play favorites is bullshit. People will tell the boss the day before that they're not going to work tomorrow because they simply don't want to drive to the store and then not show up. I told the boss I've been stressing, that it was the last day I had to work with this one chick who does nothing but talk shit to people on the store that is the going to be the most stressful. My boss just kind of shrugged like whatever like he always does. Nope. Corporate lady found out I didn't work that day so now I'm fired.

[Goblin]

I'm in pretty much constant physical pain. Either my heart hurts, or my abdomen hurts. Usually there's a dull, aching pain somewhere, though. I guess there's a one in three chance that I'll be dead before I turn 40, which means that the majority of my life is perhaps already behind me. A pretty depressing thought. I'm not really afraid of death but I don't want to die like that...I already feel like I'm not meant to be alive anymore. I'm dependent on industrial medicine to survive on a day to day basis. I hate this.

I feel for you comrade:( I was born with marfan syndrome, so my body has been hurting ever since i was born. I have what is known as a sunken chest, meaning that my chest goes inward and pushes my heart (which is really painful). My spine is crooked, which makes it really hard to stand straight. And don´t get me started on my arms and legs. If you wanna know what i look like, look at Osama Bin Laden (he had marfan, and he had the same body shape as me).

As that`s not enough, my aorta is a ticking time bomb. I have been taking beta blockers for my blood pressure since i was 5. If it gets to high, my aorta will burst. The beta blockers won`t work forever though. My aorta will eventually burst. This has happened to my mother twice. The first time was about 15 years ago. The doctors said that she had a 50% chance of surviving. The second time was in March of last year. She was in the hospital for over a month. The reason she survived was because she had someone (my father) to call her an ambulance.

The aorta usually bursts when one is in his/hers late 20s, and seeing as how i`m a grumpy anxious bastard whos gonna spent his life alone, i`m not gonna have someone call the ambulance when it bursts.

I can relate to a lot of the stuff you wrote Os, and i hope everything works out for you.

[Ele'ill]

I don't want to meet up with friends who I haven't seen for a while, for months or years, because I don't want them to see how bad things actually are and move on, or attempt to give healing words and help that just aren't anything at all- stuff that I cannot respond positively to despite that being their desire. I feel like that is coercion because our relationship isn't a market. I want it to be what it always was even if that means only as a memory so long as there is no ending to it. Hammocks and fires in the late summer and early autumn with the crickets and cicadas, sledding in the winter, mud sledding, vehicle pulled trashcan lid sledding. Walks with coffee around the lakes. Bad-day-at-work rescue missions. All of this has, as the years have gone by become impossible to find again in any new way with any new people and the best friends are in jail of one sort or another. The struggle with mental health is a lot like being taken from the shoreline in a rip tide by an ocean that is too weak to kill you. That does not mean you won't die but it takes you from the beach and puts you a hundred yards out and the world that you knew is that far away and then eventually you end up back with the seashells and cool sand. You can never get your legs there though, not enough to scramble up the bank back to the more familiar world that zips back and forth past the shore- not that the more familiar world isn't fragmented but it definitely has comfortable attributes to it. It will take you again out further and further each time and eventually after years of it the world isn't. Is it even the shore line and the birds and smells and surf that are identifiable. None of that really matters because at some point you are finally out to sea. It has actually happened and you are floating along and it becomes, over the years, normal. The storms, the strange stuff floating past and brushing your legs. The sounds at night in the entire darkness. The sudden stars. The lengths of your daily routines.

[Decolonize The Left]

I don't want to meet up with friends who I haven't seen for a while, for months or years, because I don't want them to see how bad things actually are and move on, or attempt to give healing words and help that just aren't anything at all- stuff that I cannot respond positively to despite that being their desire. I feel like that is coercion because our relationship isn't a market. I want it to be what it always was even if that means only as a memory so long as there is no ending to it. Hammocks and fires in the late summer and early autumn with the crickets and cicadas, sledding in the winter, mud sledding, vehicle pulled trashcan lid sledding. Walks with coffee around the lakes. Bad-day-at-work rescue missions. All of this has, as the years have gone by become impossible to find again in any new way with any new people and the best friends are in jail of one sort or another. The struggle with mental health is a lot like being taken from the shoreline in a rip tide by an ocean that is too weak to kill you. That does not mean you won't die but it takes you from the beach and puts you a hundred yards out and the world that you knew is that far away and then eventually you end up back with the seashells and cool sand. You can never get your legs there though, not enough to scramble up the bank back to the more familiar world that zips back and forth past the shore- not that the more familiar world isn't fragmented but it definitely has comfortable attributes to it. It will take you again out further and further each time and eventually after years of it the world isn't. Is it even the shore line and the birds and smells and surf that are identifiable. None of that really matters because at some point you are finally out to sea. It has actually happened and you are floating along and it becomes, over the years, normal. The storms, the strange stuff floating past and brushing your legs. The sounds at night in the entire darkness. The sudden stars. The lengths of your daily routines.

My girlfriend could have written that.

We must begin swimming. For no other sake than to drown our sorrow in the strength of our bodies against the waves.

[Quail]

OCD is feeling worse. I feel like such an idiot. Must look so weird tapping stuff, making sure to do everything evenly, I feel embarrassed in public. Kind of missing my eating disorder right now too.

[#FF0000]

Perma-sad.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Burn the world. Just burn it. It will save us all a lot of trouble.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Sometimes I get upset when other people get attention because I feel like people will stop caring about me or somebody else will come around who will take my place (which is why I don't always like new members right off). I seem to think that people have a very limited capacity for caring because whenever my old friends would find new friends, they would ditch me. At least I think that could be the reason. But either way I feel like a shithead for being mad that other people get attention. I'm sorry for being secretly awful or whatever :(

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Seriously, don't beat yourself up over shit like that. Feelings like that are more common than you would suppose. I only stopped feeling like that when I convinced myself no one liked me in the first place - which reminds me, don't do anything I did.

[Ele'ill]

Burn the world. Just burn it. It will save us all a lot of trouble.

oh we literally are

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Fucked if I know what you're talking about but I approve the sentiment. Fuck I'm too think to drunk.

[Ele'ill]

I'm getting there too. After reading your post I thought about the final scene from 12 monkeys where that woman whoever she is, an agent of the future one of the tribunal judges who has time traveled back responds to the question about what she does and she says 'insurance'. I'm not naive but a fantastical side of my thought leans towards the notion that the systems of misery at a human level are also fortunately/unfortunately systems of absolute destruction. That is arguable of course.

[Ele'ill]

something I like and also don't like, have good memories of and bad memories of, is that atmosphere a living space has before you leave it forever. It is the same space as always, same items, same smells, but something is very different about everything. Nothing is shared, nothing is yours, you don't belong there.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

So I woke up with my head in the toilet bowl today. Fitting, really, since my life seems to have gone down the toilet bowl lately. The last thing I remember was a SMS from my (former, apparently) best friend, about how she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and responding with a very brief "Me ne frego.". (Apparently I use fascist rhetoric when I'm drunk?) Ah, bother.

[Quail]

I think years of eating issues have caught up with my body. Now that I'm mostly better if I vomit or use laxatives just once it messes up my stomach/digestive system for fucking days and everything hurts my stomach.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

i was out last night and this girl kept smiling at me, she went off somewhere so I told her friend that this girl was cute, the girl came back, smiled at me again and then stuck her finger up at me. Wtf?

I literally do not know what the rules are anymore! :lol::(

I would also like to quit getting drunk, but don't know how. I don't even do it that often, maybe 3-4 times per month tops. I just don't like it but feel socially pressured to do so.

[Art Vandelay]

So my girlfriends dog got put down this morning. :( It was probably for the best, cause it was beginning to have a tough time walking and getting around, but it still sucks ever putting an animal down, cause I feel like maybe it could have had more time. The dog was 12, which means my girlfriend had it since she was 6, so I think she's pretty shook up at the moment, but at the same time we all knew this was coming. I'm going to miss that dog, it was a cute and chubby boston terrier. I can remember me and my girlfriend would walk from highschool to her place for lunch everyday and I'd just jump in her bed and cuddle with that dog for the entire break.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

Sorry bro^^ We had to have our step-dads dog put down a few weeks ago, I think the heatwave here basically finished her off, she was 14 I think and just couldn't walk and became wildly incontinent. Was sad.

Weird because my dog is 8 and the heatwave has turned her into a wild puppy again. Cute! :)

[X5N]

My father and I are being evicted because the rich lady who owns the house we've been living in for fifteen or so years wants to move in. She could have told us months ago, but nope, thirty day notice.

And houses in the area don't really go for under ~$1,500/month, which sucks.

At least I have an "excuse" to be a radical leftist now. Fuckin' landowners.

[Ele'ill]

mental health, gender identity, relating to others, societal coercion - now shuffle and repeat. It's like a broken pane of glass how layered all the connecting lines are

[Art Vandelay]

My father and I are being evicted because the rich lady who owns the house we've been living in for fifteen or so years wants to move in. She could have told us months ago, but nope, thirty day notice.

And houses in the area don't really go for under ~$1,500/month, which sucks.

At least I have an "excuse" to be a radical leftist now. Fuckin' landowners.

I'm really sorry to hear that, I remember the same thing happened to my buddy, albeit he wasn't living in his place for that long. I hope you and your dad can pull through, best of luck. Maybe listening to 'lets hang the landlord' by the king blues would cheer you up a bit. I don't really know what the situation in California is like out there, but I wish you guys the best.

[Brutus]

My dad refered to me as Machiavelli; I hope he's joking. I've begun to accumulate a few scars on my arm.

[ed miliband]

I would also like to quit getting drunk, but don't know how. I don't even do it that often, maybe 3-4 times per month tops. I just don't like it but feel socially pressured to do so.

i used to be a very heavy drinker, disgustingly so. like, every night, and this lasted for about a year and a half. now i drink about 3 or 4 times a month but i'll have like upwards of 12 pints.

i went out last night and didn't drink as much as usual but still felt horrendous this morning. not even hungover, just a deep sense of dread or something. reckon i might begin to abstain completely, or keep things to an absolute minimum. trouble is, when i have one pint i'm fine, anymore than that and i'll keep drinking.

it's sad, i like nice wine and beer, i don't really like drunkenness, but i probably shouldn't drink at all. i'd say i'm definitely an alcoholic. it sucks i've ruined something i enjoy at so young an age, but obviously my health is much more important.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

My best mate used to live basically in a house of alcoholics and stoners at uni. One guy he lived with was a genuine alcoholic - he couldn't get to sleep each night unless he had like at least a six-pack, ended up totally fucking his uni exams up.

I've never been a heavy drinker - I really don't like drinking more than once a week (at uni sometimes two or three times) because it's rare that I just have a couple of pints. I'm not quite a 12 pint a night guy, but can normally polish off a fair amount of mixers and beers in a night and have just done SO many stupid, stupid things in my time just 'cos of being drunk.

I don't even know what the strategy is for going out and having a cut off point. Any time i've tried this in the past, being then drunk, or even tipsy, has just changed my viewpoint. Meh.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

My best mate used to live basically in a house of alcoholics and stoners at uni. One guy he lived with was a genuine alcoholic - he couldn't get to sleep each night unless he had like at least a six-pack, ended up totally fucking his uni exams up.

I've never been a heavy drinker - I really don't like drinking more than once a week (at uni sometimes two or three times) because it's rare that I just have a couple of pints. I'm not quite a 12 pint a night guy, but can normally polish off a fair amount of mixers and beers in a night and have just done SO many stupid, stupid things in my time just 'cos of being drunk.

I don't even know what the strategy is for going out and having a cut off point. Any time i've tried this in the past, being then drunk, or even tipsy, has just changed my viewpoint. Meh.
It's kind of a running theme with a friend of mine. "Lets go to the bar, meet up with [X, Y, and Z], have a beer, maybe two, then leave" turns into "Hm, I'm on my third beer, who's ready for shots?!", next thing I know I'm five beers and five shots in, getting pretty damn drunk. It's impossible to have only two beers, at least for almost everyone I know.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

I enjoy drinking. I like doing it up to a point with my mates. But it's when it crosses the line between 'i'm in a dive, with a few mates, having a laugh with a drink in our hands' onto 'omg another drink for the hell of it and another and another..'

[ed miliband]

My best mate used to live basically in a house of alcoholics and stoners at uni. One guy he lived with was a genuine alcoholic - he couldn't get to sleep each night unless he had like at least a six-pack, ended up totally fucking his uni exams up.

oh i was like that, and it would be 8 or so (was rapidly increasing...) cans of old speckled hen or similar strong ales a night - i was using as a sleeping aid, and 'cos i was just really fucking miserable all the time, which the booze obviously made worse. i would say i blew at least three-quarters of my student loan last year on alcohol, seriously, and it's the reason i'm having to retake this year really. obviously not a 'who is worse' competition, but i'm just coming to terms with the scale of the problem myself. just astonishes me how much i put away... astonishes and disgusts.

[Quail]

I drink too much. Like every day I tell myself I won't drink, but every night I go to bed tipsy. For me it's mostly I guess down to getting anxious about getting anxious. So I drink because I don't get anxious when I drink, but also I never dare to let myself get in a situation where I could possibly get anxious and be up all night having panic attacks.

[Quail]

Also I got really drunk last night and cried loads because I'm fucking tired of OCD and I cried about having been sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend and how it still fucking affects me because I'm stupid and can't get over it and I must have been such a downer. God I suck.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

I feel a bit better knowing that i'm in the e-company of some much more hardcore drinkers than me/feel all your pain as if it were my own. :(

This is a useful thread.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Thinking about my plans and my hope for the future, then I come to realize how much I'm going to have to overcome to have a decent life then I get to thinking shit, maybe I should just see how well I can overcome a bullet in my fucking brain

[slum]

Thinking about my plans and my hope for the future, then I come to realize how much I'm going to have to overcome to have a decent life then I get to thinking shit, maybe I should just see how well I can overcome a bullet in my fucking brain

i feel you

[ed miliband]

I drink too much. Like every day I tell myself I won't drink, but every night I go to bed tipsy. For me it's mostly I guess down to getting anxious about getting anxious. So I drink because I don't get anxious when I drink, but also I never dare to let myself get in a situation where I could possibly get anxious and be up all night having panic attacks.

yeah, that was the point where i was like 'oh shit, i need to sort this out', when drinking started causing really bad anxiety rather than numbing it and slowing my brain down.

[Quail]

Well last night I didn't drink, but I was up late feeling sick with anxiety so took a little valium and drifted off into a load of nightmares. Fun times.

I also just feel as though my whole personality makes me vulnerable to mental illness. I've always been a perfectionist, I have always focussed on negatives, on small details that don't represent the whole picture, I am very "all or nothing". It's probably no surprise that I ended up suffering with various mental illnesses for years.

I'd really like to work on my obsessional thoughts, but I know that the way of doing that is to kind of let yourself think "maybe this will happen" and try and avoid doing anything with the thought. But I don't like the idea of walking around thinking "maybe I will push my child into the road/run over that pedestrian/hurt that person for no reason" because they're all such horrible things to think and kind of terrifying.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I hate everything and I want to hurt myself

[Quail]

Tonight I let anorexia win and threw out my tea. I'm trying to save money, yet it's okay to buy a pasty and throw it in the bin after 2 bites if it will make me thin. But it won't, because I've been drinking.

[#FF0000]

eterna-sad

[Art Vandelay]

I've always been a pretty heavy drinker as well. I don't even know how I afforded all the alcohol I drank, but luckily I have it much more under control now. Still drink probably more then the average person, but I've gotten to the point where I'm not drinking cause I'm sad most nights and I can drink casually again, where as before I would have a drink and not stop. Its small progress, but baby steps. I'm more concerned that my mental health get shitty again and then I'll fall back into all of my self destructive coping mechanisms.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

I've always been a pretty heavy drinker as well. I don't even know how I afforded all the alcohol I drank, but luckily I have it much more under control now. Still drink probably more then the average person, but I've gotten to the point where I'm not drinking cause I'm sad most nights and I can drink casually again, where as before I would have a drink and not stop. Its small progress, but baby steps. I'm more concerned that my mental health get shitty again and then I'll fall back into all of my self destructive coping mechanisms.

I don't tell you this often enough but I loves you and I'm proud of the strides you've made mister.<3 :)

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

i've just angrily culled my facebook of friends quite severely, but not culled the person who caused my desire to cull. I really want to express my pent up frustration with this person. :angry:

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

there's no angry emoticon?

[NoOneIsIllegal]

Been organizing my jobs last 2 years and this last week I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of defeat... of loss, by ourselves. This current workplace is too ridiculous, and I miss my old one, but I have no reason to go back.

Pretty tired of the whole dating scene thing hasn't been working with the last few girls I've met. I'm too much of an introvert and shy-guy when it comes to girls I like a lot. I'm almost 24 and I've had a handful of relationships in the past, including living with an ex for 2 years... why does it seem I'm only becoming more intimidated by the opposite sex as time goes on? Quite odd... :blushing:

[Sentinel]

there's no angry emoticon?

:mad:

I's in the menu for more smilies, or you type 'mad' between a pair of ':'.

[Landsharks eat metal]

[note: this is not directed at anyone on this site or in this thread whatsoever]
fuck you asshole get the hell out of my life I hate your fucking guts you dumbshit why do you even still exist I'm 20 fucking years old not a fucking baby and when I leave I never want to hear from your ass ever again. Go fuck yourself shithead.

[Quail]

I've been reading about challenging obsessional thoughts so thought I would try it today with one of the less distressing ones. I got anxious about the gas stove and thought, "What if the gas is on and filling up the house?" Then I told myself, "Maybe I did leave the gas on and it's going to explode and take out half the street." Ugh, I felt sick with anxiety, it was horrible, but it did pass and I feel quite happy with myself now. :)

Not that that sounds like much of an achievement, but baby steps.

[Leftsolidarity]

I feel pathetic when it comes to social relations

[Quail]

I feel pathetic when it comes to social relations
I think most people do. There are few people I feel at ease around. Most of the time it makes me anxious just talking to people.

Edit: I think there's this standrad we're supposed to live up to set by tv shows and films, etc., where we can be social no matter what, where we put on a mask and appear happy and well-adjusted, but for the most part that's bullshit.

[slum]

wow i am seriously mentally ill

i forget sometimes but it is a real thing and i am it

[Skyhilist]

One of my friends got in a moped crash last night. He's in the ICU and is still in critical condition. I really hope he pulls through but I'm really nervous. He's only 18 btw.

[Art Vandelay]

Im sad tonight for no apparent reason. I've been having these mild anxiety attacks lately, I've had a few tonight and they re making me feel weird. I can't sleep either.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

I feel aspirational today.

and then instantly crushed at the thought of paying for a parking ticket, a CRB check and road tax for my car this month. :mad: :FUCKING MAD:

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

Why body? Why have you done this to us? What did I do to deserve this plague? So what if I've only fed you ice cream, Diet Coke and Reese's cupz for the past 4 days. :crying: stop being mean you stupid pieces of flesh. :crying:

#IthinkImgonnadieofsuddenbeetussyndrome

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I don't remember what being happy feels like anymore.

[Landsharks eat metal]

It's all too much for me to deal with. I'm just one person, and I really have no one (outside the internet). No one who will truly listen to me or take seriously the words I say, who will even try to understand. Even if I did, I doubt I could trust them enough to let them into my world. The internet is a safe place because when it comes down to it, everyone else is powerless to really affect me. I know it's going to take a lot more than a change of scenery or even life circumstances to make me able to even think about getting better. Pretty sure I'm going to need to be completely retrained so I can believe that it is possible for people to have good intentions and never abandon me. And I'm afraid I'll never get my honesty back fully. The amount of lying and pretending I have to do just to get through every day is unacceptable.
I'm just in pretty bad shape right now. I can hardly focus on the things I need to do and I keep forgetting things that are important and remembering bad things and stupid things. All I can do is hold on to hope that I'm pretty sure is going to disappear soon.

[Quail]

I feel really unhappy with my body today and really heavy. My BMI is still under 20, but I'm heavier than ever and I just hate it. I still can't get out of that anorexic mindset where I reduce myself to a number, and if that number isn't right, nothing else feels right. Reducing myself to a jeans size (this was triggered by my jeans being too tight) erases everything that makes me a person deserving of acceptance and love, so I feel shitty and worthless. I deserve to feel better than this.

[The Garbage Disposal Unit]

What are these "too tight" jeans being spoken of?
#hipstercommunism

Last night, my girlfriend phoned having hella anxiety - I spent probably an hour or so on the phone with her. The context is obviously less than ideal, but I think it was actually really nice for both of us. She was feeling ready to deal with life again by the time we finished, and ended up going to spend time with some of her new friends (take that, anxiety!).
It's amazing how people's self-perception can get wildly skewed when they're in a bad headspace, so that it seems like they're never doing better (hope I'm not projecting too much here), even when, in reality, they're hyper-competent, a joy to be around, etc.

Hopefully, I'm going to be going down to see her in about three weeks; also to attend this (http://solidarityhalifax.ca/a-peoples-history-of-nova-scotia/).

[Ele'ill]

been sitting here watching movie trailers and this feels a lot like my life right now

C4pcg7bXgmU

[#FF0000]

Yo I put the minimal amount of effort required into almost everything, including personal relationships. Result is I'm very inconsiderate, distant, and I guess "selfish" in an emotional way. Ask people who know me and they will tell you that I am a river unto my people when it comes to money and lending with no intention of coming to collect, but I am terrible when it comes to maintaining friendships because I put no effort into them.

I feel like a very selfish person sometimes. I look for opportunities to change but then feel as if I'm making someone else's problem "about me". I want to confide in someone but I don't feel close enough to most people in my life to do so, and even if I did, I feel like putting my burden on other people is selfish.

Even now, this is spurred on by my friend having been in a terrible accident. I'm extremely worried about them, but when I spoke to them earlier, they made it clear to me that they don't want to hear from me. They told me they put so much effort into our relationship while I put in nothing (which is true), until something like this happened.

This is a problem I've recognized for years now. I don't know how to change. I wonder if it's possible. I wonder if I can make things better between this friend and I. Seeing as this has been my "second chance", I don't think I can.

[Quail]

Yo I put the minimal amount of effort required into almost everything, including personal relationships. Result is I'm very inconsiderate, distant, and I guess "selfish" in an emotional way. Ask people who know me and they will tell you that I am a river unto my people when it comes to money and lending with no intention of coming to collect, but I am terrible when it comes to maintaining friendships because I put no effort into them.

I feel like a very selfish person sometimes. I look for opportunities to change but then feel as if I'm making someone else's problem "about me". I want to confide in someone but I don't feel close enough to most people in my life to do so, and even if I did, I feel like putting my burden on other people is selfish.

Even now, this is spurred on by my friend having been in a terrible accident. I'm extremely worried about them, but when I spoke to them earlier, they made it clear to me that they don't want to hear from me. They told me they put so much effort into our relationship while I put in nothing (which is true), until something like this happened.

This is a problem I've recognized for years now. I don't know how to change. I wonder if it's possible. I wonder if I can make things better between this friend and I. Seeing as this has been my "second chance", I don't think I can.
If putting energy into maintaining friendships doesn't come naturally to you, but you want to make more effort, maybe you could try putting stuff into your diary/calendar like "text person x", "call y about whatever", "message z on facebook", etc. I'm really forgetful and basically never remember to get in contact with people or arrange to meet up so I put that kind of stuff on my daily "to do" list in my diary and it's more likely to get done.

[Goblin]

I´ve literally been crying all day because of some stupid bullshit that didn´t even have anything to do with me (i think). Some petty facebook bullshit. That´s how fucking emotional i am. I´ve actually been like this for as long as i can remember. When i was a kid, everything made me cry. If people called me an idiot, or even just criticized me, i would start crying. I still do and i hate it. After crying because of this facebook stuff for a few hours, people started complimenting me and saying it wasn´t my fault, and that made me cry even more. But those were happy tears :tongue_smilie: That´s still kinda pathetic though. Crying because of compliments (internet compliments).

Just thinking about this entire situation makes me cry. I`m fucking crying while writing this. Guess all this shows how low my self esteem is.

[Art Vandelay]

I´ve literally been crying all day because of some stupid bullshit that didn´t even have anything to do with me (i think). Some petty facebook bullshit. That´s how fucking emotional i am. I´ve actually been like this for as long as i can remember. When i was a kid, everything made me cry. If people called me an idiot, or even just criticized me, i would start crying. I still do and i hate it. After crying because of this facebook stuff for a few hours, people started complimenting me and saying it wasn´t my fault, and that made me cry even more. But those were happy tears :tongue_smilie: That´s still kinda pathetic though. Crying because of compliments (internet compliments).

Just thinking about this entire situation makes me cry. I`m fucking crying while writing this. Guess all this shows how low my self esteem is.

I've always been an extremely emotional person as well and while its been embarrassing at times throughout my life, I think that more often not I'm glad I'm as emotional as I am. There isn't anything pathetic about that characteristic, in fact I think alot more people out there could use to be more in touch with their emotions and their isn't anything pathetic about you either. When emotions come its good to fully embrace them, experience them for a bit, then let them go. Like shit, sometimes everyone needs to vent/cry/whatever, myself included. Seriously don't let stupid bullshit people say over the net get to you at all, I've let it get to me in the past and its just not worth it. The only impression, after any interaction that I've had with you, was that you were a nice and intelligent guy and I'm I doubt I'm the only one who thinks that. Low self esteem sucks, I know full well, but if you give yourself the opportunity, alot of times you'll end up accomplishing things that lead to changes in the way you view yourself. Especially when it comes to mental illness, you have to always remind yourself that your thought process and self image are completely distorted.

[Consistent.Surprise]

I´ve literally been crying all day because of some stupid bullshit that didn´t even have anything to do with me (i think). Some petty facebook bullshit. That´s how fucking emotional i am. I´ve actually been like this for as long as i can remember. When i was a kid, everything made me cry. If people called me an idiot, or even just criticized me, i would start crying. I still do and i hate it. After crying because of this facebook stuff for a few hours, people started complimenting me and saying it wasn´t my fault, and that made me cry even more. But those were happy tears :tongue_smilie: That´s still kinda pathetic though. Crying because of compliments (internet compliments).

Just thinking about this entire situation makes me cry. I`m fucking crying while writing this. Guess all this shows how low my self esteem is.

I'm going to butt in, agree with Mr. Populi on tons of points. I'm also going to say it isn't low esteem. Self doubt manifests in all of us differently. Some of us crumble to pieces when assholes say stupid shit to us, even when we know they're assholes & stupid.

I fall apart all the time. I feel worse doing it around my boyfriend. I feel dumb because it isn't rational (why aren't emotions frakking rational!?).

Big thing is get to the core of why you feel how you do but don't deny those feelings. Makes you a better person than those who stifle their emotions.

[Landsharks eat metal]

oh my god i'm so fucking fat :(

[Ele'ill]

Was verbally assaulted and physically threatened in the middle of the night by the owner of a church. A church advocating inclusion and as a place of peace (and of course growth). It was a torrential down pour and late at night and it was a pretty good spot to lay down and get some sleep if for no other reason than for the opportunity, if things didn't work out, to call people out on their bullshit. Woke me up from inside came storming out and threatened to throw me down the flight of stone stairs. Was acting like a drunk brawler and yelling and I had not said anything up till that point I was kind of laying there staring away from him. After he was done his nuclear explosion I reassured him that everything was fine and that god told me I could get a few hours of sleep in this dry, secluded place. He went nuclear again and told me how many people he feeds a year and that's why the neighborhood association and police (and the church) don't allow people to seek refuge there. I told him I don't follow the word of wealthy neighborhood associations or the word of the police and that I follow the word of god. I departed with something like 'hope your business does well'. He started making excuses and got pretty down and whatever but pfft.

I kept a straight face the entire time. Went several blocks over and slept at another church.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

i'm an idiot idiot idiot idiot.

Was on a date with a nice girl, why can't I go in for the kiss at the end? Why? Fucking lack of cajones. I'll deserve it if that's put her off, so fucking annoyed at myself.

[Consistent.Surprise]

i'm an idiot idiot idiot idiot.

Was on a date with a nice girl, why can't I go in for the kiss at the end? Why? Fucking lack of cajones. I'll deserve it if that's put her off, so fucking annoyed at myself.

First date? I never kiss on first dates. Maybe she doesn't either. & if she's put off by that, not worth it IMO

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

First date? I never kiss on first dates. Maybe she doesn't either. & if she's put off by that, not worth it IMO

I haven't in the past, but i've been on a couple of dates recently where I should have, and didn't, because they were leaning in for it and waiting for me to kiss them. I'm silly.

[Consistent.Surprise]

I haven't in the past, but i've been on a couple of dates recently where I should have, and didn't, because they were leaning in for it and waiting for me to kiss them. I'm silly.

Too many people underestimate the art of the "build-up". Plus, if they lean in & you aren't feeling it, that's kind of indicative

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

I was feeling it. I was just being a fucking poo.

[Decolonize The Left]

I was feeling it. I was just being a fucking poo.

You're overthinking the whole thing. Just call her up and ask her out again and if it all seems groovy kiss her.

[Popular Front of Judea]

If it is the second date odds are she will want to kiss you. Make it happen.

[Popular Front of Judea]

I am seriously isolating. This wound I have on my left leg due to poor circulation isn't helping. It's disability that is death on the installment plan.

I am spending far too much time here. Engaging in polemics is great fun but doesn't exactly count as socialization.

[Don't Swallow The Cap]

On and off depression. Seemingly endless social anxiety.
I've been trying to go out more often with my new co-workers,but it seems so tough for me to make genuine connections with anyone. I am so awkward and feel like I am quite unpersonable once anyone breaks through the superficial formality.
I want so badly to have something to say.

Also, I'm broke. I need to find a way to fund my schooling so I can get my EMT-B and feel like I am moving towards something.
Stagnancy is a fuckin bummer.
:unsure:

[Questionable]

My depression has become crippling.

I have not left my house for work or school this entire week. I've stayed home alone. I lied and told my managers that my car won't start.

The only time I've left was to go to the library to reserve a book, and when I came back I broke down into tears from...I don't even know.

[Art Vandelay]

My depression has become crippling.

I have not left my house for work or school this entire week. I've stayed home alone. I lied and told my managers that my car won't start.

The only time I've left was to go to the library to reserve a book, and when I came back I broke down into tears from...I don't even know.

I'm sorry to hear this man. I'd strongly suggest at least getting out for a walk each day. Even if you aren't ready to return to work or school, getting out and getting some fresh and time to clear your head is really helpful. I can remember when my depression was really bad I would be out grocery shopping and all of a sudden start breaking down and having to leave the store due to embarrassment, so you're definitely not the only who has had similar experiences. Just hang in there. Its important to start with small things you can do each day to start taking active steps in gaining mental health, even if it seems pointless at the time.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

Questionable, best thing to do in that situation is to definitely get out. I feel similar when i'm by myself for long periods, I think a lot of people do. Just make sure you have something planned for each day - even if it's as boring as going down to the supermarket to do some shopping, or picking up some dry cleaning, or going to the mall to have a look around.

It's natural to get upset when you're not engaging any part of your brain, either socially, intellectually, or emotionally.

[#FF0000]

i feel like talking about things that are bothering me is burdening other people, so I don't do it. i don't even like posting things that bother me in this thread.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

^^^it's surprisingly therapeutic.

[Art Vandelay]

i feel like talking about things that are bothering me is burdening other people, so I don't do it. i don't even like posting things that bother me in this thread.

I think this is actually the perfect example of the ways in which mental illness twists your perception of things. I think probably everyone here has felt like this at times, and yet no one would tell anyone else to stop posting stuff in here cause they're burdening others. Its the double standard all people with mental illness seem to judge themselves by. When it comes to others, you view their efforts to reach out for help as genuinely support seeking but when it comes to yourself you're simply wasting other people's time. I know I feel like this most of the time too, but I think its important for all of us to try and remember thats not how were perceived by others here.

[Sinister Intents]

I think this is actually the perfect example of the ways in which mental illness twists your perception of things. I think probably everyone here has felt like this at times, and yet no one would tell anyone else to stop posting stuff in here cause they're burdening others. Its the double standard all people with mental illness seem to judge themselves by. When it comes to others, you view their efforts to reach out for help as genuinely support seeking but when it comes to yourself you're simply wasting other people's time. I know I feel like this most of the time too, but I think its important for all of us to try and remember thats not how were perceived by others here.

I feel exactly this :( I have so many problems...and I used to be a chronic liar.... I hurt my girlfriend very bad back between April and July, I've been plagued with what I've done ever since and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it.....

[Art Vandelay]

I feel exactly this :( I have so many problems...and I used to be a chronic liar.... I hurt my girlfriend very bad back between April and July, I've been plagued with what I've done ever since and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it.....

Hurting people, is unfortunately, an unavoidable fact of life. It stems from the messy and complicated nature of personal relationships. I'm certainly guilty of it myself and its something I struggled with for a long time. But where I think we can be too hard on ourselves at times is failing to realize that when we hurt people in life, or at least in my experiences, it never stems from malicious intent. To truly grapple with past mistakes, you need to come to terms with your actions, not continue to beat yourself up over them, that's counter productive. You need to address what you've done, the people you've wronged, and make sure you never do it again. Regardless, one action or event in life doesn't define a person's character, just because you hurt someone you care about doesn't make you a 'bad person;' it makes you human. Mistakes are unavoidable, how you react and learn from them, however, is entirely up to you.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Today I found out that one of the patients we saw yesterday died. I was a bit concerned because she went into cardiac arrest when they tried to put her under anesthesia, but after a few minutes of CPR she was breathing on her own again. By the time I left yesterday, they were thinking that she would be awake enough in the evening right before closing for her owners to pick her up, but apparently she never really got out of it and she had to be euthanized.

I was really upset when I heard that, even though I only met her last week. She was this sweet pug who loved absolutely everyone, and yesterday morning when I was helping with her EKG she was just standing there with her paws on my shoulders [I was sitting on the floor] almost like she was hugging me. This is the first time a patient I actually like has died.

[#FF0000]

I think this is actually the perfect example of the ways in which mental illness twists your perception of things. I think probably everyone here has felt like this at times, and yet no one would tell anyone else to stop posting stuff in here cause they're burdening others. Its the double standard all people with mental illness seem to judge themselves by. When it comes to others, you view their efforts to reach out for help as genuinely support seeking but when it comes to yourself you're simply wasting other people's time. I know I feel like this most of the time too, but I think its important for all of us to try and remember thats not how were perceived by others here.

Yeah. I don't think I'm mentally ill, though. And posting in this thread is different, I think, because it's just sort of "out there" and not put on any one person in particular.

I'm not sure what bothers me about posting here, though.

[Ele'ill]

I generally post here to get shit out in a sloppy and rough form but sometimes I'll share what I think are interesting personal situations that are just kind of neutral. Sometimes though I post stuff that really hurts but it's hidden in the mix but at the end of the day it's really just to get it out.

[#FF0000]

My friend is speaking to me again and is getting better by the day. She's feeling well enough to let me take her to a show next week.

[slum]

feelings make me so uncomfortable, even (especially?) neutral or good ones.

affect is just generally unpleasant. all emotion is overstimulating and confusing; it's this heavy morass in my ribcage that i can't distinguish from nausea or dread. my depressive episodes are almost comforting in comparison because i feel nothing but a constant exhaustion.

i don't know how to stop thinking. there's no room in my conscious mind for emotional or affective experiences, only ideas and analyses and connections. so my emotional life seems to exist in this shadow-world that follows behind me, mute and oppressive. i do feel things- reading a certain poem right now which always rips me open- but i don't understand what it is i feel, or why.

it will be fall soon and then winter, which always makes it worse. my garden will die, everything in it. the corn is already going and soon they will be just dead bronze giacomettis watching over all the other dead and dying things i cared so dearly for. it will be a little graveyard of organisms i knew intimately.

when the trees are black and bare crooked in the sky i will sit for hours in the cold looking at them not sure if i want to hurt myself because of how beautiful they are. what do you do with beautiful things? schiele made beautiful drawings and i can't stand to look at them.

urgh i want to delete this whole thing but this is pyho and i am going to post it so there; please only mock me in private

[Lobotomy]

I'm moping because a guy was supposed to call me tonight and he didn't. stupid really. it's not even a significant problem in the grand scheme of things and I know it. I'm just feeling sad about it right now I guess.

[Lobotomy]

he was just a nice distraction from how deafeningly monotonous life is is all

[#FF0000]

he was just a nice distraction from how deafeningly monotonous life is is all

FULL DISCOLSURE THIS IS A DRUNK POST

i know what you're feeling I have been through the exact same thing recently with someone not contacting me after they said they'd contact me. (this has been the story of my life for the past few months. I'm someone who can easily tell when someone ain't interested in me but this person will pop up and be like "hey, let's hang out! i'll message you tonight and we'll make plans!" and then I don't hear from them for another couple of weeks.)

it's gotten me hella down but it's alright because if there is anything gin has taught me it's that we're all going to be okay.

me and you and everyone

if life is monotnous then do something. buy or steal a practice pad and learn drums. read books. learn languages. play video games. buy a lot of alcohol n get lean. wathc new movies listen to music. pm me or other people and embarrass yourself. ur a good person and eveything is gonna be good.

[#FF0000]

ps ppl should pm me from time to time life would be more interesting with more random contact with people lmao

[Zukunftsmusik]

I'm only three weeks in in my first year at uni, and I feel like giving up already. I'm behind in all classes and haven't gotten to read this week. I was supposed to sit at library and read today, but I never got to it, then I skipped the only class where I'm actually struggling, so that was a good idea. spent the whole day on revleft or on other useless shit. feel like such a failure because of this and my room is a hell hole which I never get to clean even though I had this whole day because I decided to do nothing. I usually hit walls like this from time to time, but I've never hit it so early. in high school I hit a wall in 2nd or 3rd year, but now I'm at this point after three weeks. I'm really interested in the classes I'm taking, or, I was. I dunno what happened.

[Lobotomy]

FULL DISCOLSURE THIS IS A DRUNK POST

i know what you're feeling I have been through the exact same thing recently with someone not contacting me after they said they'd contact me. (this has been the story of my life for the past few months. I'm someone who can easily tell when someone ain't interested in me but this person will pop up and be like "hey, let's hang out! i'll message you tonight and we'll make plans!" and then I don't hear from them for another couple of weeks.)

it's gotten me hella down but it's alright because if there is anything gin has taught me it's that we're all going to be okay.

me and you and everyone

if life is monotnous then do something. buy or steal a practice pad and learn drums. read books. learn languages. play video games. buy a lot of alcohol n get lean. wathc new movies listen to music. pm me or other people and embarrass yourself. ur a good person and eveything is gonna be good.

thanks man.

[#FF0000]

thanks man.

np.

you know you're great

you know that dude is missin out

his loss. you win. w/e.

[#FF0000]

6hrs still drnk gonna go to sleep gniht

[Quail]

I'm only three weeks in in my first year at uni, and I feel like giving up already. I'm behind in all classes and haven't gotten to read this week. I was supposed to sit at library and read today, but I never got to it, then I skipped the only class where I'm actually struggling, so that was a good idea. spent the whole day on revleft or on other useless shit. feel like such a failure because of this and my room is a hell hole which I never get to clean even though I had this whole day because I decided to do nothing. I usually hit walls like this from time to time, but I've never hit it so early. in high school I hit a wall in 2nd or 3rd year, but now I'm at this point after three weeks. I'm really interested in the classes I'm taking, or, I was. I dunno what happened.
I find it hard to keep up with my classes when I don't feel in a good place mentally. I try to make a daily "to do" list (including uni work, housework, etc.) and it really helps me to get things done in manageable chunks. I find writing down small tasks (like, say, "begin homework problems") and then being able to check them off both helps me to find the time and do them in the first place, and makes it feel more like I'm achieving something. As for tidying up, I'm pretty similar. Try not to worry about it too much and just do little bits as and when you can. For example, if there's 5 minutes before you have to go out, pick the clothes up off your floor or something. Even if it's not doing much, it's often getting started that is the hardest thing.

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

I'm only three weeks in in my first year at uni, and I feel like giving up already. I'm behind in all classes and haven't gotten to read this week. I was supposed to sit at library and read today, but I never got to it, then I skipped the only class where I'm actually struggling, so that was a good idea. spent the whole day on revleft or on other useless shit. feel like such a failure because of this and my room is a hell hole which I never get to clean even though I had this whole day because I decided to do nothing. I usually hit walls like this from time to time, but I've never hit it so early. in high school I hit a wall in 2nd or 3rd year, but now I'm at this point after three weeks. I'm really interested in the classes I'm taking, or, I was. I dunno what happened.

mate, first year of uni is all about skipping classes and not tidying your room, so relax.

End of my first year I didn't even know how to use the library, seriously. Just have a bit of fun and chill out, you'll mature in 2nd and 3rd years and come out with a good degree, just like I did.

[Ele'ill]

had a really bad day today at work so to compensate I am blatantly drinking an open container of vodka at the public library (nobody even cares, this will probably start a trend I see everyone taking notes on my yolo swagger (I don't even know exactly what that word marriage means but this situation probably fits into it some how))



wait, as I am typing this the head librarian walked past and saw it just sitting on the desk, they paused, and went off to snitch/tattle/gossip about it with some folks as they whisper-glare at me from across the library


fuck the police

[Landsharks eat metal]

It's been a bad week for animals. Today we finally put down the one cat that lives at the hospital [not a patient, just one of our resident cats]. I hoped it was going to happen soon and thought it was a good idea, but it still made me really sad. She was at least 23 years old, so older than me. At the same time the doctor was examining her and making the final decision to euthanize her, one of the vet assistants was syringe-feeding a 3-week-old kitten, and Moe and the kitten seemed to be having a contest based on who could meow more pitifully. It was some kind of fucked up circle of life thing going on.

[Don't Swallow The Cap]

Found a way to fund my EMT certification, which I am totally stoked about.
Now though, I have almost no money and am trying to figure out how I'll pay bills for the next six months. :unsure:
I'm sure I'll be eating a lot of rice.:lol:

[#FF0000]

it's around 13 hours later, and though my typing is much better, i notice that i'm still apologizing for literally everything and saying "holy shit that is so cool" about everything people tell me so I must somehow still be drunk

[Art Vandelay]

Seriously fuck mechanics, god damn crooks. Got a call from the shop that my truck was ready to be picked up. Paid 450$ for the replaced radiator and went to take off. Got in my truck and it wouldn't start. Wtf? Go back inside, they come out, 'oh yeah looks like you'll need a new fuel pump, that'll be 935$ with parts and labor.' Fuck you and fuck your 98$/hr labor cost. Also fuck capitalist society where every single fucking interaction people have is mediated by fucking money. Like I make 11$/hr as a support worker, I live on the skint, am able to save some money. I've managed to save up about 1500$ over the past 6 months, which I was planning on using for a trip and to move. Looks like I'm back to 0$. And the lovely thing is, that the majority of the money I save from here on out is largely going to go to buying a new vehicle cause my truck clearly isn't long for this world. I probably would of said fuck it and just sold the truck and got whatever I could for it, but I need a vehicle for my job or I would probably get fired. I had all this shit planned today, I was going to be all productive and now I'm just completely demoralized and depressed. :( I'm just going to sit here and feel sorry for myself for a bit.

Like seriously this makes crime look all the more appealing. Like the job I do is incredibly socially important and we just get shit on. Its so undervalued and were so fucking underpaid. Maybe its time I finally say yes to the friend who is always trying to get me to sell for him. I'm not going to, but the profit is appealing. I work fucking 60 hrs a week, for 6 months, live so cheaply, and all I manage to save is 1500$, which is now completely gone. Whereas my friend, over the course of 2 and a half months, racked up 45000$. He lost his too since it got confiscated as 'proceeds of crime' but still. It says alot about the priorities of this twisted capitalist society. Fuck this world, someone spark revolution before I kill myself.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

So, in a single phone call, all the hopes and comfort I've been running of off for the past week have been crushed. My entire operation is basically ruined, wow, FUCKING wow, like, I don't even know what to say, or do. :crying:

This is complete bullshit, wtf, wtf, wtf, wtf, wtf, wtf, wtf, wtf, WTF!!!

Edite: fuck it, real ass ***** to the burnah in my bag, suckin it up, fuck it, handling it.

[Zukunftsmusik]

mate, first year of uni is all about skipping classes and not tidying your room, so relax.

Hah, this actually was pretty comforting.

@Quail: I'm not a to do-list guy, really. But if it turns out I can't do stuff otherwise, I'll give it a try. Thanks!

Turned out to be just a couple of bad days, today was much better. Gjess I just have to accept that it goes up and down and try not to over react the next time(s)

[Leftsolidarity]

Had such a good day. Woke up, read a book, then this really attractive girl who I've been talking to came into town to see me so we were smoking a bunch of pot and randomly decided to do some X. So we rolled for the rest of the day and smoked copious amounts of weed. Ahh fantastic! I haven't had such a upbeat and relaxing day in awhile.

[Ele'ill]

someone got shot 3 blocks from where I was sleeping

[#FF0000]

found out exactly how my friend's car accident happened and i am a luminous mass of rage held together by my own hate and burning brighter and brighter as I rapidly expand destroying everything around me

[Questionable]

The only thing that makes me feel alive anymore is debating politics.

[Fourth Internationalist]

I don't know why but I tell everyone I'm bi even though I am almost entirely gay. Yeah sure I find girls sexy but I don't really think about them in a sexual way like I do boys and I don't fantasize about them much (very rarely). I don't know why but even people who I know don't know me and who I probably won't ever know well I'll say I'm bi not gay but I'm almost 100% just gay. Liking girls while liking boys kinda makes you half-straight, half-"normal" so to say but I don't know why I have such a problem with admitting it to others and to myself because I know it's okay (and this is the first time I am ever mentioning it outside of my own thoughts and to others, thanks internet ^-^)

[Art Vandelay]

I don't know why but I tell everyone I'm bi even though I am almost entirely gay. Yeah sure I find girls sexy but I don't really think about them in a sexual way like I do boys and I don't fantasize about them much (very rarely). I don't know why but even people who I know don't know me and who I probably won't ever know well I'll say I'm bi not gay but I'm almost 100% just gay. Liking girls while liking boys kinda makes you half-straight, half-"normal" so to say but I don't know why I have such a problem with admitting it to others and to myself because I know it's okay (and this is the first time I am ever mentioning it outside of my own thoughts and to others, thanks internet ^-^)

Don't worry, this tends to be highly frequent among people who don't identify as heterosexual.

Edit: Also, in my personal opinion, human sexuality is so highly fluid, so as to regulate the categories of 'gay,' 'bi,' 'straight' as counter productive; it sets up arbitrary and artificial barriers, where none exist. Although that's probably a highly contestable statement.

[Workers-Control-Over-Prod]

The only thing that makes me feel alive anymore is debating politics.

...And I die a little inside every time I can't.
I'm beginning to seriously think of relocating to a place with more people like me who can't take this shit any longer and want to build a movement. Maybe we should all move to the same place?

I will leave all you comrades with these words of wisdom:


Originally posted By Karl Marx:

Now and then the workers are victorious, but only for a time. The real fruit of their battles lies, not in the immediate result, but in the ever expanding union of the workers. This union is helped on by the improved means of communication that are created by modern industry, and that place the workers of different localities in contact with one another. It was just this contact that was needed to centralise the numerous local struggles, all of the same character, into one national struggle between classes. But every class struggle is a political struggle. And that union, to attain which the burghers of the Middle Ages, with their miserable highways, required centuries, the modern proletarian, thanks to railways, achieve in a few years.

What is Karl telling us? He obviously is trying to tell us that we should exchange addresses and use our most advanced means of transportation to get together, exchange ideas and build working class organization.

[Art Vandelay]

...And I die a little inside every time I can't.
I'm beginning to seriously think of relocating to a place with more people like me who can't take this shit any longer and want to build a movement. Maybe we should all move to the same place?

I will leave all you comrades with these words of wisdom:



What is Karl telling us? He obviously is trying to tell us that we should exchange addresses and use our most advanced means of transportation to get together, exchange ideas and build working class organization.

Word. I'm planning on moving to the province which is the center of anti-capitalist struggle in Canada as soon as I can, cause I'm sick of being a relatively isolated radical. I haven't been to a protest since the anti-nato marches in Chicago in 2012, I'm fiending. Everyone on revleft move to Quebec! We'll meet up there. I'll be at the hotel 'chateau' checked in under the name 'rousseau.' :cool:

[Popular Front of Judea]

Move to a northern city, one without a beach in sight. :)


...And I die a little inside every time I can't.
I'm beginning to seriously think of relocating to a place with more people like me who can't take this shit any longer and want to build a movement. Maybe we should all move to the same place?

I will leave all you comrades with these words of wisdom:



What is Karl telling us? He obviously is trying to tell us that we should exchange addresses and use our most advanced means of transportation to get together, exchange ideas and build working class organization.

[Questionable]

Word. I'm planning on moving to the province which is the center of anti-capitalist struggle in Canada as soon as I can, cause I'm sick of being a relatively isolated radical. I haven't been to a protest since the anti-nato marches in Chicago in 2012, I'm fiending. Everyone on revleft move to Quebec! We'll meet up there. I'll be at the hotel 'chateau' checked in under the name 'rousseau.' :cool:

I've actually given serious thought to visiting Canada for anti-capitalist purposes. I'm sure we can put aside our bitter disagreements over Hoxha for the sake of current struggles, can we not?

[Quail]

I don't know why but I tell everyone I'm bi even though I am almost entirely gay. Yeah sure I find girls sexy but I don't really think about them in a sexual way like I do boys and I don't fantasize about them much (very rarely). I don't know why but even people who I know don't know me and who I probably won't ever know well I'll say I'm bi not gay but I'm almost 100% just gay. Liking girls while liking boys kinda makes you half-straight, half-"normal" so to say but I don't know why I have such a problem with admitting it to others and to myself because I know it's okay (and this is the first time I am ever mentioning it outside of my own thoughts and to others, thanks internet ^-^)
Questioning how exactly to define my sexuality has caused me a fair bit of mental grief over the years so now I try not to worry too much about labels. I like who I like and that's okay. I call myself bi, but I guess I vary along the spectrum between straight and gay and I've felt confused so many times, like wondering if I'm actually gay and then falling for a man. Try not to get hung up on your "preferred" gender because I've found it can vary and it's not worth worrying about.

[Art Vandelay]

I've actually given serious thought to visiting Canada for anti-capitalist purposes. I'm sure we can put aside our bitter disagreements over Hoxha for the sake of current struggles, can we not?

Haha, naturally. As long as you keep your hands off the icepicks. :trotski:

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Totally fucked up shit turned out to be less fucked up than I thought, I think :confused:. My dad and my step mom got into a fight(like it got physical.) I got a call from my dad saying that they got in a fight, that it got physical, and that I should stay at someone else's house while they talk about things. So I'm like wtf, super depressed because I'm thinking my dad beat his wife, I look up to him and that would just be fucked up. I call my step brother who was there for the fight though, he said he heard crashing, got a knife from the kitchen, and rushed into the room to find my dad basically trying to avoid hitting her/getting hit by her/what she was throwing. So I feel good that my dad wasn't the one being violent. But I don't got a job and if they don't fix things(kind of hard to see that happening now) I don't know where I'm going to live so I'm kind of stuck in a pickle right now.

On the plus side some strange shit happened at a party. I'm dropping my high school cousin off at a party and I see that half the people there look my age(20) and older so I decide I might stay for a little while. Apparently it was like a birthday party for some 16 year old and parents and other people showed up. Anyways this very attractive woman starts talking to me when I approach the hookah(probably mid-30's, brunette, wearing a striped dress that was tight on her body) and we chat for like five minutes in a very flirtatious manner before I walk away to do some other thing. A couple minutes later we cross paths again and start talking again, I walk somewhere else, a couple minutes later she finds me to talk to me more. And almost everything she says is sexual at this point, I couldn't believe it especially considering both her kids were there and at one point one of them was standing right next to me. But my cousin has a curfew so I had to leave but I gave her my number, hopefully we can mess around. It's kind of a fantasy of mine, so hot. It's like the worse my life gets the better my sex life gets, it's weird. Like now it's just effortless, I use to have to do so much and the results were minuscule. Now half the time I just stand there minding my own business and random amazing shit happens. It doesn't make sense, I haven't changed up my look or anything.

[Ele'ill]

jail is a bed and breakfast, out of the rain

[Workers-Control-Over-Prod]

Totally fucked up shit turned out to be less fucked up than I thought, I think :confused:. My dad and my step mom got into a fight(like it got physical.) I got a call from my dad saying that they got in a fight, that it got physical, and that I should stay at someone else's house while they talk about things. So I'm like wtf, super depressed because I'm thinking my dad beat his wife, I look up to him and that would just be fucked up. I call my step brother who was there for the fight though, he said he heard crashing, got a knife from the kitchen, and rushed into the room to find my dad basically trying to avoid hitting her/getting hit by her/what she was throwing. So I feel good that my dad wasn't the one being violent. But I don't got a job and if they don't fix things(kind of hard to see that happening now) I don't know where I'm going to live so I'm kind of stuck in a pickle right now.

On the plus side some strange shit happened at a party. I'm dropping my high school cousin off at a party and I see that half the people there look my age(20) and older so I decide I might stay for a little while. Apparently it was like a birthday party for some 16 year old and parents and other people showed up. Anyways this very attractive woman starts talking to me when I approach the hookah(probably mid-30's, brunette, wearing a striped dress that was tight on her body) and we chat for like five minutes in a very flirtatious manner before I walk away to do some other thing. A couple minutes later we cross paths again and start talking again, I walk somewhere else, a couple minutes later she finds me to talk to me more. And almost everything she says is sexual at this point, I couldn't believe it especially considering both her kids were there and at one point one of them was standing right next to me. But my cousin has a curfew so I had to leave but I gave her my number, hopefully we can mess around. It's kind of a fantasy of mine, so hot. It's like the worse my life gets the better my sex life gets, it's weird. Like now it's just effortless, I use to have to do so much and the results were minuscule. Now half the time I just stand there minding my own business and random amazing shit happens. It doesn't make sense, I haven't changed up my look or anything.

Feel free to rob me in that case comrade.

[Remus Bleys]

Ie never really felt as shitty as I do now, even when literally no one talked to me from 3 to 5th ggrade. And I feel even more pathetic telling this to a group of people who only know the fact I'm some sort of catholic and some sort of communist, when I can't even tell my own. Fucking parents (or even therapist) about the way I feel.
I feel inadequate. I think about some hard concepts and can't figure them out. I am in a class for college, but I keep feeling I have reached my intellectual capacity. But that's not it. Its all encompassing.
I constantly contemplate suicide. I just feel so angry all the time, but I am ready to burst into tears at any given time. It gets really bad with my family, expecially my mom. I can barely stand being in the same room with my family. Two days ago,l my mom made me get out of the car in the middle of traffic. I almost ran away tto until a friend of my mom made me get into her car and took my home.
My history teacher thinks I'm a fucken idiot, and told me so, after I tried to argue that direct democracy was different than american democracy.

The only thing I find solace in is my religion and communism. Except, now I'm started to feel that suicide isn't against my religion, and I have this feeling of defeatism in regards to politics. Even chuch is being fucked for me, as my parents have ruined it by yelling at me on the way there. And everyone makes fun of me for fucking communism. I just can't take it.

And my anger and rage is outta control. I know it is, I do fucked up things when I'm angry, I just can't control myself.whihc is why I spend so much time on revleft and facebook, where we all agree but still argue. The discussion alone is wonderful to me. But sometimes that also feels inadequate.

I've even got a fucking plan mapped out on how to do it. Why shouldn't I jump revleft? Its hard to, when I try and explain this I'm so afraid of being ridiculed, because I do get ridiculed, and also I'm afraid ill get institutionalixed.

Why shouldn't I just die? I felt this way, out of nowhere, for so long that I can't even remember.

[slum]

Why shouldn't I just die? I felt this way, out of nowhere, for so long that I can't even remember.

hey comrade
no one here is going to ridicule you. many of the posters here have also struggled with suicidality. and yes, it is one of the things it can be easier to talk about with strangers.

school is bullshit, your history teacher is wrong, and you have not reached your intellectual capacity. politics can be hella depressing but you're already a communist so that's good news for both you and the rest of us.

my best answer as to why not jump (and the one that's kept me here through some rough years) is that no situation lasts forever, and what's even less likely to last forever is my response to situations. the possibility always exists (and i'd argue it is quite likely) that you will feel better, or at least different, in the future. if you commit suicide, you make the chance that you will never feel better a certainty.

this brief webpage i also find helpful: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
there are hotlines listed halfway down the page. they are anonymous. if you dont think consulting your church will be helpful, try one of these.

take care

[Art Vandelay]

my best answer as to why not jump (and the one that's kept me here through some rough years) is that no situation lasts forever, and what's even less likely to last forever is my response to situations. the possibility always exists (and i'd argue it is quite likely) that you will feel better, or at least different, in the future. if you commit suicide, you make the chance that you will never feel better a certainty

So fucking this. I can't even begin to articulate how pervasive my suicidal thoughts were when my depression was extremely bad. I mean I'd like to be able to say maybe I had a suicidal thought enter my head about once every 5 minutes, but that would be a lie, it was almost constant contemplation of the unknown. Anyone here, who would of been consistently reading/posting in this thread within the past year, can probably attest to the relative change in my overall outlook. I used to bombard this thread with emotions, thoughts of suicide, struggle with alcohol use and self harm, etc... but slum is absolutely right here, no situation lasts forever. I mean things certainly aren't perfect for me, and I don't even know if I'd describe myself as a happy person, but its possible to overcome the feelings you've listed. As far as reasons not to kill yourself go, I'd suggest reading Camus's 'the myth of sysiphus' which (at least for me personally) was huge in the beginning stages of my recovery and it deals precisely with that topic. Don't feel ashamed posting in here, I don't know if I'd still be here without alot of the nice things people had posted in here when I was low, reach out for help when you need it, there is nothing wrong with that.

[slum]

ugh
i am not smart enough to be studying what i study, and i am really not smart enough to get away with spending time on revleft (or sleeping, or eating, or reading marx) instead of revising

i also have a lot of anxiety around male peers outperforming me in technical/linguistic areas, as if everyone is secretly thinking "oh look at slum who wants to be in this manly field but only cares about social relations why not just go be in women's studies where you don't have to stress your lady brain doing hard things like ancient languages"

[#FF0000]

i also have a lot of anxiety around male peers outperforming me in technical/linguistic areas, as if everyone is secretly thinking "oh look at slum who wants to be in this manly field but only cares about social relations why not just go be in women's studies where you don't have to stress your lady brain doing hard things like ancient languages"

yo letem

and let them bog themselves down in their unwarranted confidence in their abilities while you eventually outpace them cuz hard work.

best revenge is to live well u got this

[Il Medico]

Recently, I've started writing more. I've finished two pieces in the last two weeks. That might not sound like much, but I only finished two pieces total since 2011 until now. I've also started a diet and have been having a pretty easy time sticking to it, losing fifteen pounds in the first month. I've also been, rather awkwardly, trying to reconnect with some of my college friends that I miss. I'm feeling better for the most part. I might even be able to get back in college by January. I'm not saying I'm happy, because I'm not. But that seems more like a possibility than it has in a long time.

Also, considering two months ago I was in the throws of my apparently now annual summer mega depression and thinking about tall buildings in ways I never hope to again; I think that's pretty ok.

Yeah.

[Art Vandelay]

Recently, I've started writing more. I've finished two pieces in the last two weeks. That might not sound like much, but I only finished two pieces total since 2011 until now. I've also started a diet and have been having a pretty easy time sticking to it, losing fifteen pounds in the first month. I've also been, rather awkwardly, trying to reconnect with some of my college friends that I miss. I'm feeling better for the most part. I might even be able to get back in college by January. I'm not saying I'm happy, because I'm not. But that seems more like a possibility than it has in a long time.

Also, considering two months ago I was in the throws of my apparently now annual summer mega depression and thinking about tall buildings in ways I never hope to again; I think that's pretty ok.

Yeah.

Seriously, this could have been written by me (minus losing the 15 pounds cause I'm already a twig), but even the diet (I went vegetarian not long ago) and writing again (which I haven't written anything since I got about 15,000 words into what I wanted to be a novel my first year of uni) and reconnecting with old friends. Anyways I don't really remember what I wanted to say...but yeah...were twins or something. Also congrats on the progress!

[Il Medico]

Seriously, this could have been written by me (minus losing the 15 pounds cause I'm already a twig), but even the diet (I went vegetarian not long ago) and writing again (which I haven't written anything since I got about 15,000 words into what I wanted to be a novel my first year of uni) and reconnecting with old friends. Anyways I don't really remember what I wanted to say...but yeah...were twins or something. Also congrats on the progress!
Well if you're a twig I think Abbott and Costello would fit better than 'twins' (unless we're talking the Arnold-DeVito kind).:lol:

But yeah, I've never really had an idea that could be a novel. Like closest I've come thus far was a short story I wrote my first year of college (humorously enough). It was like 6,000 words long and had wrote it during the summer semester right before I took my first Creative writing class. For the first short story assignment I got lazy and just turn that in. Most of my classmates liked it and wanted me to expand certain parts (like the ending and back story). The next semester I wrote an 8,000 word long follow up, but it was rubbish and highlighted just how out of my depth I was (it was basically a tragic gay love story set during WWII in the allied military. Yes, it was as bad as that sounds). I just dropped it after that. If I had finished it it might have been enough to be a really short and bad novella. meh.

I'm thinking I might actually try NaNoWriMo this year, though I haven't got the foggiest idea what I'd write about.

[Landsharks eat metal]

It's so exhausting to be terrified all the time.
Especially when you're too scared to be able to sleep properly.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I have this friend I'be known for about four years now, she's really cool but lately I've just hated being around her. All she does is non-stop complain about everything and then when I try to talk to her about anything it's lie she gives me the cold shoulder. Like the other day I drive quite a distance because she won't stop saying she wants to go to this hookah bar we frequent only to want leave 20 minutes after we got there. We were talking and out of nowhere she says she doesn't want to smoke anymore, turns away from me so I'm talking to her side and then basically sits on her phone while I spend the rest of the night trying to get a conversation going but it's going nowhere. Then she'll call me the next night and want to do the same it seems. And she's the most self-centered person I know, she'll sit there and talk about her problems all day but if I open my mouth for a second she becomes disinterested and chances are she'll interrupt you.

But what really got to me was after we went to the hookah lounge the other day we went to McDonald's after and she was hella disrespectful to the people working there, which really surprised me considering she just got hired there, you'd think she understands their pain now. She's sitting there grinding their asses as they're trying to work. They would move and she'd start ordering them and questioning them, so I had to be extra freaking nice to try and cancel it out. There was no reason at all too so I asked her what the deal was and she said "Well people do it when I work so why not do it back." Then goes on about how she should have tried to make them "squirm", threatened to call corporate or call them names to ruin their days. And they did NOTHING wrong at all. Everyday now she calls and I just ignore it, I'm not even trying to deal with her. I feel kind of bad because she's been a friend and she's going through depression right now so I know things will probably get better but all she basically wants to do is bring people down and I'm dealing with my own problems and shit, I don't want her to bring me down too and she is.

[bad ideas actualised by alcohol]

I fucking hate doing presentations. I know my text almost by heart but the second I stand before a group I just start shaking and forget the words and don't say half of the things I should've said.

[Quail]

I fucking hate doing presentations. I know my text almost by heart but the second I stand before a group I just start shaking and forget the words and don't say half of the things I should've said.
I have a similar problem. I tend to get my sentences all confused as well, even when I've practised really well.

[Lobotomy]

I got diagnosed with a chronic medical condition. luckily I've been responding to the medication and life is almost back to normal. the problem is that it's a very expensive medication ($700/month out of pocket) and I have to take it every day for the rest of my life in order for the disease to stay in remission. for now I am privileged enough to be on my parent's insurance so it's not really an issue. however it is just a few years until I turn 26 and can therefore no longer be on their insurance. what then? I suddenly feel under a tremendous amount of pressure to devote these years trying to get some well-paying job, but I don't know how to make that happen. shit got serious real fast :glare:

[Art Vandelay]

I have this friend I'be known for about four years now, she's really cool but lately I've just hated being around her. All she does is non-stop complain about everything and then when I try to talk to her about anything it's lie she gives me the cold shoulder. Like the other day I drive quite a distance because she won't stop saying she wants to go to this hookah bar we frequent only to want leave 20 minutes after we got there. We were talking and out of nowhere she says she doesn't want to smoke anymore, turns away from me so I'm talking to her side and then basically sits on her phone while I spend the rest of the night trying to get a conversation going but it's going nowhere. Then she'll call me the next night and want to do the same it seems. And she's the most self-centered person I know, she'll sit there and talk about her problems all day but if I open my mouth for a second she becomes disinterested and chances are she'll interrupt you.

But what really got to me was after we went to the hookah lounge the other day we went to McDonald's after and she was hella disrespectful to the people working there, which really surprised me considering she just got hired there, you'd think she understands their pain now. She's sitting there grinding their asses as they're trying to work. They would move and she'd start ordering them and questioning them, so I had to be extra freaking nice to try and cancel it out. There was no reason at all too so I asked her what the deal was and she said "Well people do it when I work so why not do it back." Then goes on about how she should have tried to make them "squirm", threatened to call corporate or call them names to ruin their days. And they did NOTHING wrong at all. Everyday now she calls and I just ignore it, I'm not even trying to deal with her. I feel kind of bad because she's been a friend and she's going through depression right now so I know things will probably get better but all she basically wants to do is bring people down and I'm dealing with my own problems and shit, I don't want her to bring me down too and she is.


“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

Instead of letting her bring you down, elevate her with you. I don't know, I won't tell you what to do, but reading your post stung cause I know that I alienated alot of friends when my depression was severe and it really fucking hurt to have people you love seemingly abandon you (regardless of whether or not my actions brought that about). I didn't know what was going on with me, getting misdiagnosed consistently, having pills shoved down my throat which changed the way I acted/thought, etc...you never know what your friend is feeling. Maybe her reaching out consistently (which seems odd for someone with depression) has something to do with the fact that she could be scared of being alone/what she will do. In all seriousness, she probably needs you right now, more then ever.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Yeah I know, I'm going through the same thing, depression, but it just makes me more depressed being around her. A big part of my depression is just seeing how people treat eachother on an everyday basis, it's soul sucking and demoralizing(how can a class organize itself if all we do is disrespect each other) so most days I just want to stay in my room and she's not helping at all. I've alienated myself from a lot of friends, good ones too because I just don't feel good enough to even be around them. But she just steps all over people, including me. She uses me as her personal therapist and then just throws me out. Talk, talk, talk about her problems, no consideration for how I feel at all.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I hate being so social yet having such bad anxiety in social situations, self confidence issues. It's even worse when I'm all drunk and gregarious and 'fuck it' and then the next day I'm freaking out because that's not my personality and I feel like I acted annoying as fuck even if I may not actually have.

I've been going back into depression again. The other night I got home and just laid on the floor, unable to get up and do anything, grabbing my hair in my fists and wishing for a heart attack in my sleep. Fuckin' shit.

[Quail]

Anxiety is really getting to me at the moment. It's making me drink way too much :( Might quit drinking after the weekend.

[Landsharks eat metal]

One of those days where I catch my reflection in a pane of glass and think "Who's that hideous freak?" until I realize it's me :/

[Questionable]

Will I ever feel anything close to normalcy?

[Brutus]

Will I ever feel anything close to normalcy?
Normality is relative.

[Popular Front of Judea]

Will I ever feel anything close to normalcy?

'Normal' is a setting on a wash machine ...

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I've been skipping meals for a couple months now because I feel guilty eating my dads food he gets with food stamps because I could have been contributing more to the house. Now most of my clothes doesn't fit and I think I'm losing muscle. Work I used to do easier is a lot harder now and leaves me sore for days.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Goddamn I'm bored

[Art Vandelay]

So tonight I told my friend about this test that I had recently taken, which was a basic mental health test, to see how my depression rated as opposed to when things were pretty bad. Um when I took, I still rated high for depression (as to be expected) but better then I used to rate on those things, but surprisingly I tested through the roof for BPD. Which kinda scared me, so I went and found some online tests for BPD and tested high on them as well. Now obviously I know internet quizzes aren't a proper diagnosis. So basically I told him about all that and he reacted really cool. At the same time though, I kind of fine myself at a bit of a fork in the road. On the one hand, these online tests aren't a proper diagnosis, but the fact that I'm testing so highly is alarming, so maybe its worth it to take the precaution and see a therapist even though I hate them and last time I did everything got worse. Or I could say, look I feel like I've been moving in a productive and positive direction on my own, fuck your labels and diagnosis's.

I'm not really sure what to do.

[Popular Front of Judea]

Do you have family members with mood disorders or other psychiatric issues? A family history of such? If so I would encourage you to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist.


So tonight I told my friend about this test that I had recently taken, which was a basic mental health test, to see how my depression rated as opposed to when things were pretty bad. Um when I took, I still rated high for depression (as to be expected) but better then I used to rate on those things, but surprisingly I tested through the roof for BPD. Which kinda scared me, so I went and found some online tests for BPD and tested high on them as well. Now obviously I know internet quizzes aren't a proper diagnosis. So basically I told him about all that and he reacted really cool. At the same time though, I kind of fine myself at a bit of a fork in the road. On the one hand, these online tests aren't a proper diagnosis, but the fact that I'm testing so highly is alarming, so maybe its worth it to take the precaution and see a therapist even though I hate them and last time I did everything got worse. Or I could say, look I feel like I've been moving in a productive and positive direction on my own, fuck your labels and diagnosis's.

I'm not really sure what to do.

[Art Vandelay]

Do you have family members with mood disorders or other psychiatric issues? A family history of such? If so I would encourage you to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist.

I'm not sure about the family history to be honest. My moms side of the family is huge, so its hard to say and my dad didn't know his dad so I'm not sure on that side. Regardless of whether or not I have family history of mood disorders, I personally have a history of depression, its just kinda worrisome to think that maybe its not just depression but also BPD. In all honestly, I turn 21 in a few days, I'll no longer have health insurance, so seeing a mental health professional, or even getting prescriptions for anti-anxiety meds will be out of the question. I've made progress on my own lately, I think I'm just going to keep doing what I have been.

[Popular Front of Judea]

I am curious. Wouldn't seeing at least a doctor be covered by the Canadian health care system? How about medication?


I'm not sure about the family history to be honest. My moms side of the family is huge, so its hard to say and my dad didn't know his dad so I'm not sure on that side. Regardless of whether or not I have family history of mood disorders, I personally have a history of depression, its just kinda worrisome to think that maybe its not just depression but also BPD. In all honestly, I turn 21 in a few days, I'll no longer have health insurance, so seeing a mental health professional, or even getting prescriptions for anti-anxiety meds will be out of the question. I've made progress on my own lately, I think I'm just going to keep doing what I have been.

[Art Vandelay]

I am curious. Wouldn't seeing at least a doctor be covered by the Canadian health care system? How about medication?

Well once I'm 21 and no longer covered under my parents insurance (which has been a life saver), since I'm technically not a student this year, I no longer have life insurance. So I could probably get blue cross, which given my age wouldn't be too expensive I would think (but I don't have alot of money to throw around), but at least that way I could continue to get anti-anxiety meds.

[Popular Front of Judea]

Are you a Canadian citizen? Aren't you eligible for public health insurance?


Well once I'm 21 and no longer covered under my parents insurance (which has been a life saver), since I'm technically not a student this year, I no longer have life insurance. So I could probably get blue cross, which given my age wouldn't be too expensive I would think (but I don't have alot of money to throw around), but at least that way I could continue to get anti-anxiety meds.

[Art Vandelay]

Are you a Canadian citizen? Aren't you eligible for public health insurance?

Yes I'm a Canadian citizen but access to mental health resources and therapists, isn't run the same way a regular hospital is. To get an appointment with a therapist you can either pay out of pocket (yeah right) or you can get it covered by insurance. Since I'm not currently enrolled in university and am about to turn 21, I will no longer be covered under my parents insurance(big deal I know, I'm not trying to complain, it just sucks and I'm broke). So yes, if I get hit by a car and rushed to emergency, they won't care whether or not I have insurance and won't charge me when I'm fixed. But you still can't just get prescription pills for free in Canada. You need insurance and that only generally takes off a portion of the cost.

[Il Medico]

Yes I'm a Canadian citizen but access to mental health resources and therapists, isn't run the same way a regular hospital is. To get an appointment with a therapist you can either pay out of pocket (yeah right) or you can get it covered by insurance. Since I'm not currently enrolled in university and am about to turn 21, I will no longer be covered under my parents insurance(big deal I know, I'm not trying to complain, it just sucks and I'm broke). So yes, if I get hit by a car and rushed to emergency, they won't care whether or not I have insurance and won't charge me when I'm fixed. But you still can't just get prescription pills for free in Canada. You need insurance and that only generally takes off a portion of the cost.
That sucks pretty hard mate. Perhaps there are charity psychiatric clinics up there you could look into if you want to go. We got 'em down here in Florida and I imagine if this back water has them, then Canada probably has a few too.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Just realized I've accidentally been a self-centered piece of shit with my friends without trying it. literally crying.

[motion denied]

Politics are the only thing keeping my thoughts from somebody else, this is shit. I want this to stop.


Stop.

[slum]

Or I could say, look I feel like I've been moving in a productive and positive direction on my own, fuck your labels and diagnosis's.

I'm not really sure what to do.

be very careful about receiving a BPD diagnosis from a professional. it is one of the diagnoses that marks you as a "problem" in the mental health system and you will be putting yourself in a vulnerable position if you seek help in the future.

patients with BPD are routinely ignored, referred, and mistreated due to the perception by professionals that they are emotionally unstable pathological liars who intentionally deceive and manipulate their doctors. BPD means "untreatable malingerer" to many mental health workers, and quite often they dont bother to hide it.

there is a lot of controversy about the validity of the diagnosis as well, since it often functions as an 'easy out' misdiagnosis of PTSD, bipolar, and other disorders in patients who are "difficult" or treatment resistant.

(full disclosure: i'm one of the people who think it's an invalid diagnosis as a 'personality disorder'. dont take my word for it, but just be careful when wrangling with the psych establishment's "mark of cain")

[Fourth Internationalist]

It's so hard to find other people who I can date and I don't know what to do about it :(

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I got drunk for the first time in my life last night. I was at home for a little while (getting a few things, doing my clothes, getting a bite to eat) and decided to have a little drink to help calm the nerves and to make the less than awesome aspects of college life (like that mountain of homework) a bit easier. Unfortunately one drink turned into about twelve or so (of varying sizes). When my roommate picked me up to return to campus we made a slight stop at his house... was there not even 20 minutes before I puked.

How am I drunk? Well, my roommate says I am an amused drunk: I find things funny. I am more talkative when I am drunk and more honest; I am able to say what it on my mind (or verbally aggressive as my roommate says).

The next morning was not very pleasant. Because I had enough water to drink the night before my hangover lacked a headache but I was very dizzy. Felt like motion sickness, like i I moved around too much I would throw up. Eventually it subsided but it still sucked seriously.

Throughout the night I wasn't "super drunk" or "wasted" but I was definitely not in my normal state. Still, a part of me liked being that way simply because I was able to express myself more clearly and for once all of the attention was on me and not my roommate. Not healthy and not something I am looking forward to replicating in the future but it was an experience.


- - - - - - - - -

@ Aang: Try looking in Queer oriented youth groups. While there are the expected school bound organizations at high schools and colleges (which might provide a go) try looking for independent groups not associated with any benefactor). One option would be to head on over to Google Maps, type in your state/area and click on the "search nearby" tab; here you can type in some key words relating to youth groups and see what is in your area. I have had a little luck with this method and even found my first partner (who was a leftist) this way.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I do not really know how to start this topic so I will just lay everything bare: I like physical contact with people. Things like leaning against their shoulder, hugs, and so forth. A problem arises, however- straight guys might not be too keen on having another guy have any kind of contact with them. In the past I have successfully fought the urge to lean and cuddle with my straight friends but lately, with college life taking such an intellectual toll and I still not making many friends, I feel like my mental and emotional state would be far better if I had someone to give these small tokens of my affection to.

My roommate provides the perfect opportunity. We have known each other for a while, he knows about my sexuality, we get along good enough and joke. And he even let me slightly lean on his shoulder one time (though whether or not he even knew I was there is another question all together). But still: one small instance is a whole lot different than asking him for general cuddle-lite rights... ya know?

I can understand why he wouldn't want me leaning against him or anything: it would wear out his arm, and to him it would probably just be plainly creepy. As a human being it is his right to be free of any kind of harassment... I don't want to start unnecessary drama. Still, things have gotten to that point where I feel very alone.

It cannot hurt to ask (or can it?) but I am still very apprehensive. So I wanted to hear some other peoples opinions on what they think and would do in my situation. PM me or something.

[#FF0000]

didn't have anything to do today and plans with a cool person who I haven't been able to see in awhile

of course i get unbelievably sick.

[argeiphontes]

Since I love to dispense psychological advice without a license...

Depression is a sign that psychic movement has to take place. Something about your attitude or orientation needs to change, if those words make any sense.

Anxiety always means that something is wrong, but it's not always the surface situation that causes the anxiety, the trick is finding out what it is and changing it, which isn't always trivial.

The instincts can't be wrong because they've been subject a million years of evolution. Just because it's an "over"reaction to certain situations doesn't mean the reaction itself isn't valid. Chemical imbalance theories are post hoc ergo propter hoc.

I say all that from personal experience... I haven't needed anti-depressants/anti-anxiety drugs since I read Iron John and don't think I'll ever need them again. Jung FTW.

"Tough-talking writers such as William Burroughs or John Hawkes speak from their stuck places and insist that ashes are all there is." -- Bly

[ insert disclaimers here ]

[#FF0000]

Since I love to dispense psychological advice without a license...

Depression is a sign that psychic movement has to take place. Something about your attitude or orientation needs to change, if those words make any sense.

Anxiety always means that something is wrong, but it's not always the surface situation that causes the anxiety, the trick is finding out what it is and changing it, which isn't always trivial.

Yeah, I think there's always something one can do to change the situation their in, to at least loosen themselves out of their rut even if they can't get themselves unstuck completely. But when you're dealing with legit depression, and not just "a rut" or general anxiety and dissatisfaction, it's hard to get out and make the changes you want, especially if they're big, long-term ones (humans are bad with long-term changes in general -- we're all about that instant gratification most of the time)

[argeiphontes]

But when you're dealing with legit depression, and not just "a rut" or general anxiety and dissatisfaction, it's hard to get out and make the changes you want, especially if they're big, long-term ones (humans are bad with long-term changes in general -- we're all about that instant gratification most of the time)

I am talking about legit depression--especially so. What I'm trying to say is that the changes to be made are in you. It's your psyche that needs the "movement", movement being a metaphor for changes in your fundamental attitudes. Attitude in the strong sense of, say, an airplane's attitude (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attitude_control), the orientation of objects (as in object-relations theory) to your frame of reference. None of this is easy and I don't mean it to sound that way, but IMO it's better to work for real change than just treat symptoms.

Since depression's been a big problem for me, and I used to suffer from crippling anxiety (there was an entire month, maybe 13-14 yrs ago, when I didn't leave the house, and I never finished college because of social anxiety) I wanted to throw it out there, especially for people who can't seem to get out of their "ruts", to make them aware of other paradigms (psychodynamic therapy, Jung, etc.) on the off-chance that it could help somebody. I found my way out thru sheer luck (or synchronicity ;) ) and wouldn't want anybody to go thru what I did.

Those ideas have been sidelined by the convenient (for capitalism) medical model of mental illness, which personally I don't think is correct in most cases. (It doesn't even intuitively make sense if you consider human evolution, the state of knowledge about the brain, and something else I was going to type but forgot ;) ) Sometime in the last year a giant meta analysis of antidepressants came out and they were shown not to be statistically better than placebos. (But note I said 'statistically' ;) )

Anyway, please ignore. Unless it helps. ;)

[ insert disclaimers here: e.g. always consult a health professional before making any decisions, and I am not a health professional of any kind... ]

[argeiphontes]

...so just to babble, because it's Pour Your Heart Out, and hey its a good example...

When I read Iron John I was finally able to reconnect to my masculinity by symbolically "moving into my father's house" which was denied to me by an absent and abusive father. He remains the asshole that he was, but the movement was in my psyche. That's what I mean by psychic* movement. Nothing in the book has to be literally true; the book is the therapy and I recommend reading it stoned for greater emotional connection. When the unblocking came, it was more than emotional--its like I felt my brain chemistry change for the better, and it was nearly instantaneous. [edit: hence my assertion that chemistry theories are post hoc fallacies] I don't really have the words to describe it, other than "uncanny", nor should I maybe because Jungian therapy works through images.

I might still have to "leave with the Wild Man" because the Wild Man knows the Source. The symbolic task I've set for myself is the Appalachian Trail. But regardless of whether I ever finish it, I think the Wild Man draws near...

*Just in case, psychic = "of the psyche" whereas psychological = "of the study of the psyche". I don't know how Long Island Medium coopted the term 'psychic' but I use it in the real way.

[Quail]

be very careful about receiving a BPD diagnosis from a professional. it is one of the diagnoses that marks you as a "problem" in the mental health system and you will be putting yourself in a vulnerable position if you seek help in the future.

patients with BPD are routinely ignored, referred, and mistreated due to the perception by professionals that they are emotionally unstable pathological liars who intentionally deceive and manipulate their doctors. BPD means "untreatable malingerer" to many mental health workers, and quite often they dont bother to hide it.

there is a lot of controversy about the validity of the diagnosis as well, since it often functions as an 'easy out' misdiagnosis of PTSD, bipolar, and other disorders in patients who are "difficult" or treatment resistant.

(full disclosure: i'm one of the people who think it's an invalid diagnosis as a 'personality disorder'. dont take my word for it, but just be careful when wrangling with the psych establishment's "mark of cain")
I post (or used to post) on a couple of mental health forums and it was kind of heartbreaking reading about the way that some of the people diagnosed with BPD are treated. Someone I know was studying to be a psych nurse or something, and their lecturer made some joke about BPD patients being attention seekers or something.

Just to reiterate to Mr.Populi, beware of online "self-diagnosis." I could quite easily fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD but I know that most of my issues actually come from trauma and the way I never learned healthy coping mechanisms, and my other mental health problems. Instead of trying to get a specific diagnosis it might help to take your specific issues to a doctor and see what kind of help is available.

[Fourth Internationalist]

@ Aang: Try looking in Queer oriented youth groups. While there are the expected school bound organizations at high schools and colleges (which might provide a go) try looking for independent groups not associated with any benefactor). One option would be to head on over to Google Maps, type in your state/area and click on the "search nearby" tab; here you can type in some key words relating to youth groups and see what is in your area. I have had a little luck with this method and even found my first partner (who was a leftist) this way.

I joined the Gay-Straight Alliance in my school and went to the meeting on Friday. However, there aren't very many people there and nearly all of them are just too, erm, not my type to put it nicely.

I did try the Google maps thing, but I'm not really getting much luck from it.

:(

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I joined the Gay-Straight Alliance in my school and went to the meeting on Friday. However, there aren't very many people there and nearly all of them are just too, erm, not my type to put it nicely.

I did try the Google maps thing, but I'm not really getting much luck from it.

:(

You could try dating sites such as Plenty Of Fish and OKCupid. While in all honesty you will likely not find much luck there either it is worth a shot. In any case I will not lie- there is not foolproof way to meet other Queers; just keep your eyes peeled and try not to get too down. that has been my strategy for sometime now and I have yet to kill myself, so it works! Meeting new people is a process, however, do not feel too bad if it takes a while as finding that one person is not a easy task in the best of times.

[Quail]

Ugh, I'm a fucking idiot and I need to quit drinking.

[Art Vandelay]

Ugh, I'm a fucking idiot and I need to quit drinking.

Pretty sure I was just coming in here to post the same thing.

[Quail]

Going to be hard not drinking but I will do it. Maybe. Also I probably/definitely said some silly stuff last night.

[Ele'ill]

I think waab, we are all bastards, is a cooler tattoo idea than acab but waab looks dumb I think.