Is it just pointless to try and be accepted by racist inlaws?

[RadioRaheem84]

I love my fiance(e?) to death. She is the best but her family seems very conservative, traditional and in the six years we've been dating I seem to have never been able to break in. She is a Southern Bell from a Texas upper middle class family with a lot of country barrell racing roots, they're sort of 'bougie' cowboys in a way; they love fine dining, racing, and some working class stuff but they're still high end. All the men wear tight jeans, cowboy boots and work manual jobs or own businesses.

They've always seen me as a "yuppie" because I am "liberal", dress "metro" and went to a good university. I am also Hispanic, light skinned and can pretty much "pass" but to them even an Italian would be considered "brown" to them so it doesn't make a difference at all. I've noticed the obvious difference in their treatment of me vs the treatment of the good ol boys who keep showing up. Even if they turn out to be scumbags in the end they always still fall for the firm handshake, cheesy smile and Texan demeanor. They fall for it EVERYTIME.

But the thing that I am wondering about the most is why they just won't come out and say that they do not like me? It's always a fake politeness and what seems like a tolerance. They think I fit well with their liberal daughter but it took me years to be even be tolerated, while the first good ol boy that swaggers in gets high praise.

It it racism? Why don't they just come out and say it? Why the fakeness and making me think I am liked when cearly their actions speak louder than words and in the beginning they told me that I was not who they had in mind for their daughter (in a polite way).

Can someone please explain Texan or Southern white traditional conservative culture to me please?

[Comrade Nasser]

I had the same problem but my girlfriends parents were SUPER conservative but they didn't care about mixing (although she was 100% white). But they absolutely HATED my political views for the whole time we were together. Like honestly I would walk in to their house to pick her up to go to a movie to pick her up or whatever and I would be wearing like a che shirt for example and her dad would go off on me "Why are you wearing that filthy commie on you're shirt? He was a murderer, racist, and a homophobe BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!". It would piss me the fuck off when he would say that shit about Che but I just wouldn't let it get to me.

But honestly dude what you can do is just rough it out if you are in love with this girl. Keep us posted on it dude. Also I just went through a breakup period lol and I feel good being single. Have more time for video games and LARPing lmao.

[RadioRaheem84]

I had the same problem but my girlfriends parents were SUPER conservative but they didn't care about mixing (although she was 100% white). But they absolutely HATED my political views for the whole time we were together. Like honestly I would walk in to their house to pick her up to go to a movie to pick her up or whatever and I would be wearing like a che shirt for example and her dad would go off on me "Why are you wearing that filthy commie on you're shirt? He was a murderer, racist, and a homophobe BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!". It would piss me the fuck off when he would say that shit about Che but I just wouldn't let it get to me.

But honestly dude what you can do is just rough it out if you are in love with this girl. Keep us posted on it dude. Also I just went through a breakup period lol and I feel good being single. Have more time for video games and LARPing lmao.

That sucks! The family I am with are much more culturally conservative. They hate Obama but they are dumb as rocks when it comes to politics and I am glad they have no idea who Che is. They just know to vote GOP, that's it.

Beyond the father, they are largely apathetic. What bothers them is the race mixing. When we began dating I was 19 years old. We've been engaged for a year and it still seems like I will never be 100% part of the family no matter what. It has a lot to do with me being Hispanic and not a good ol' boy. I wouldn't say that because a lot of regular white joes came and went and they loved them, and all but two turned out to be total scum. One of them was so fucking charming with the cheesy grin, firm handshake and good ol' boy swagger that he was only in the family for two years and he was given a brand new truck and was always praised. The guy turned out to be a violent drunk and now he is in jail for eight years after a violent assault during a domestic dispute. He also knocked up their youngest daughter. And he still gets praise as a good guy who went sour and blame a lot of the troubles on the daughter!!!

I mean the bias is too crazy. But the point of this thread is not to make this too personal but to understand if it is pointless to every try to engage this family at all? I've know them for going on seven years now and it doesn't seem like they're getting used to me at all. I can tell they like me or want to like me but there is this barrier that keeps them from fully accepting me.

I want to know if there are any White Southerners in here who understand their own conservative families so I can sort of pick their brain a little about their families. Why are the so closed off and why can't they just outright tell me they do not like me? Why use under handed insults, neglect, favoratism, and even talking mess behind my back? Is it also a generational thing where they just avoid all uncomfortable conversations about things like this? If I were to bring this to their attention or if my fiancee would, it seems like they would just deny it.

[Comrade Nasser]

I am Arab. I'm pretty sure if a white southerner saw me walking up to the porch of his house I would probably be staring down the barrel of his shotgun and her grandma would probably faint by the look of me LMAO. Idk if we have any white southerners here tho man. And if we do, I would assume they aren't conservetards like you're fiances relatives seem to be.

[RadioRaheem84]

The thing is that at this point they're just more tolerant but I cannot tell if their politeness is real or fake because they hide their feelings so much. It comes out sometimes but now in this stage it's just always an awkward family visit.

The question is should even bother? I kind of do want to be accepted only so the family visits will not so damn awkward, I mean it's tortorous clock ticking mind numbing boredom and standing there in awkward conversation. I would rather just stay home but my girl thinks she has to make an appearence. I guess my tolerance for pain and discomfort and annoyance is really really low.

[Os Cangaceiros]

I think that a lot of people are just naturally suspicious of people coming into their lives with "alien cultures". It's not just restricted to southerners, either...my grandmother on my mother's side was from an upper middle-class, highly educated background in New York, and she kind of viewed my father as being an ignorant country bumpkin.

Luckily it's usually surmountable once you've been around people enough for them to realize that you're a person and not a caricature.

[Prometeo liberado]

My ex-father in law was pretty much the same. In the 10 years I knew him we exchanged maybe 5 words. He is Basque with landowning family in Peru. He is white European. I am not. Early on I stopped trying to figure it out and just concentrated on my marriage. He hated all of her boyfriends until she got a new one, then was overly friendly with the the old one. Racism? yes. No one is good enough for my little girl? Yup. Bad manners born of extreme ignorance? You betcha. Is any of this your making? Not one bit. So screw 'em. And if your girl digs you then she wont subject you to those horrible visits. Besides Texas is a place people go to lay down and expire. Shit, I spent a week in San Antonio and am still paying a therapist for it. As for this:

Why are the so closed off and why can't they just outright tell me they do not like me? I'm pretty sure from what that they have done this, actions speaking louder than words and all.
My main concern here though is that the future wifey is an admitted liberal. A reactionary waiting to happened if you ask me. You're riding the whirlwind on this one my friend. I've seen many a good man walk down this path only find themselves years later in pajamas walking down the street muttering on about how Nixon was the greatest american since Hoover. And for no good reason at all. Ugly thoughts indeed.:(

[Comrade Nasser]

If you love this woman, go with your heart man, that's all I gotta say. You love her, she loves you that's all that really matters. (I know this sounds cheesy as fuck but honestly it's what you gotta do lol)

[Brandon's Impotent Rage]

I'm a Southern white male......and honestly? I don't understand it either.

Personally I think its just residue from the segregation days. You must remember that there were several generations of Southerners who were raised to believe in this racial caste system that was hammered into their heads from family, teachers, religious leaders, politicians, and the average man on the street.

That type of indoctrination doesn't go away very easily. And compounding the problem was the years of both formal and informal segregation that permeated the South, which basically turned the average African American into this strange 'other' that had an air of menace about them.

[Devrim]

It it racism?

I don't know. Quite possibly it could be. Maybe it isn't.


But the thing that I am wondering about the most is why they just won't come out and say that they do not like me? It's always a fake politeness and what seems like a tolerance. ...Why don't they just come out and say it?

Perhaps because it is not very polite? I have known people who were partners of friends, or family members, who lots of people didn't really like, and in one case in particular virtually all of his friends actively disliked her. Of course, it is your friend or relatives partner, so you don't come out and say it, and you do come out with fake politeness, and of course, in some cases people must notice that it is fake. It happens a lot.


She is a Southern Bell from a Texas upper middle class family with a lot of country barrell racing roots, they're sort of 'bougie' cowboys in a way; they love fine dining, racing, and some working class stuff but they're still high end. All the men wear tight jeans, cowboy boots and work manual jobs or own businesses.

This doesn't quite fit.

Devrim

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

In my experience, it's best to just not bother 'sucking up' to your beau's family. I find that guys especially think they have to impress or 'prove their worth' to a girl's family, and the dad in particular.

I've found myself in the past submitting to the will and wants of the father of someone i'm dating, just becuase I want to come across well. It's really very patriarchal actually.

I'd advise you to just not get wound up by them, not get bothered by them, not to change your behaviour to try and 'fit in' with them. Maybe they'll get the point that you're not gonna be bowed by their shit and respect you, or maybe they're just not worth the trouble. Either way, you're with your fiancee, you're not in a relationship with them, so i'd just ignore them if you think they're being out of order and focus on making your relationship with your fiancee work.

That's just my two cents, though.

[RadioRaheem84]

Well from almost coming to blows with her brothers because of my ethnicity, to getting called wetback and told I am not an America, to fending off her adulterous mother, to constantly being sized up as not being the ideal, I think it's time we start to scale back contact, not just ignore them.

It can get that bad sometimes. But even on the good times, I am told how much I am loved and how great I am but it sounds so forced and fake. It's like they cannot talk to us like they they do the other couples in the fam.

But what would it say if the daughter just told the mother that she wants as minimal contact with her and her sisters (who are the main problem) as possible? That she wants to keep it civil and just meet for Christmas once a year? Would that be too hurtfull for a mom like that?

[Comrade Nasser]

If her brothers are assaulting you and calling you racial slurs maybe you should just tell them to fuck off and maybe you need to move on from this relationship. That's harsh, my man. I couldn't deal with something like that to be honest.

[Sasha]

It's no different than what gay people need to do, if your fiance loves you and isn't financially or legally dependent on her family its time she puts an ultimatum to her family; they can either they accept you and her life choices and have her (and the eventual grand chidren) in their lives or not. There is no binding blood contract in being family. They either act like decent human beings or they will not see her anymore.
It will be tough for your fiance but at least her parents would hopefully come around, for the rest, their loss...

[B5C]

I used to live in Texas. Texas culture is stubborn. It's either you join their culture or you are viewed as a foreigner. It's best just stay out of her family. You trying to find an friendship is not going to help your relationship with your partner.

[Vanilla]

My somewhat well-off uncle lives in Texas and I know first hand that he is racist, especially towards Hispanics. All he cares about is that they vote republican, and if they don't, he wants them to go back to Mexico (even if they aren't even from Mexico...). He's also racist towards Native Americans, and one time he told me that they "refuse to work" and that's why so many Native American communities are impoverished. Anyway, I digress..

It's just the cultural attitudes they have in the south. My uncle is originally from a working class family in Massachusetts, who then got rich and moved to Texas. I doubt that when he lived in the north he was as racist, especially because none of my other relatives are. To be honest, it probably is pointless to try and be accepted if they're that set in their ways. I hope everything works out between you and your fiancee. Has she pointed out to her family their racism?