Pour You Heart Out XVIII

[Leftsolidarity]

yup

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Fucking queensday...i hate all the monarchism-loving lot here in Holland.

It seemed to me to be a great moment to see where my wife stands with socialist and all. Didn't even get past the "i hate monarchism" part. She apparently isn't as left as i thought she was...

[Dennis the 'Bloody Peasant']

[QUOTE=Domela Nieuwenhuis;2612592]Fucking queensday...i hate all the monarchism-loving lot here in Holland.QUOTE]

Similiar feeling here...read the first few lines of a front page story of the Daily Star tabloid today that said "Kate is the new Di" ..apparently Kate Middelton has become the 'Duchess of Hearts' because she visited some dying children....
...I want tabloid journalists and their readers to develop perminent nasty sores all over their genitals.

[human strike]

I resisted it for a bit but I'm falling (or perhaps choosing to be) in love. I'd forgotten how scarily intense but fucking amazing this feeling is. :)

[Brutus]

I resisted it for a bit but I'm falling (or perhaps choosing to be) in love. I'd forgotten how scarily intense but fucking amazing this feeling is. :)

Join the club with me and cat

[Ele'ill]

Anybody else not doing anything on May Day because they just don't want to or are too depressed to get out from under the covers and go to the stupid useless marches?

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm not doing anything because I'm pretty much not allowed to go anywhere or do anything at all in my little pathetic life.

[human strike]

I've an exam on the history of the Cold War. :(

[Brutus]

I've an exam on the history of the Cold War. :(

Go all out communist

[Quail]

I'm going to a Judo thing. Totally didn't think about May Day when I arranged to go. Yeah so I have no good reason to miss it :(

Also I have a presentation tomorrow but I'm awake and drinking like a fucking idiot.

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

Go all out communist

better yet, go Breschnevite and defend the USSR to the death. That'll get you some funny looks

[Art Vandelay]

My girlfriend is out of the country on a trip with her friend, in a place that I would of preferred them not to have gone in concern for her safety. I can't find my charger, so my phone has been dead for the past day and a half, so I haven't spoke to her. I've been messaging her on facebook but haven't got a response. I'm literally freaking out, even though I'm trying to keep myself calm and realize its probably nothing.

Edit: She messaged me back :) She was out swimming with dolphins today. I really need to not let my head get the better of me.

[Leftsolidarity]

Anybody else not doing anything on May Day because they just don't want to or are too depressed to get out from under the covers and go to the stupid useless marches?

I was too lazy to plan to go to any actions so I was content with just getting drunk at the annual Haymarket Memorial Riot show we always have but it turns out that the show was never set up. So now I'm kind of disappointed but at least I'll still be able to go do some community gardening and neighborhood clean up. I don't have an excuse to get shitty drunk and anti-social, though.

[Quail]

My girlfriend is out of the country on a trip with her friend, in a place that I would of preferred them not to have gone in concern for her safety. I can't find my charger, so my phone has been dead for the past day and a half, so I haven't spoke to her. I've been messaging her on facebook but haven't got a response. I'm literally freaking out, even though I'm trying to keep myself calm and realize its probably nothing.
I remember when my ex went out driving somewhere with this weird fucking guy who was a nazi and showed me his knife collection on fb and I freaked and texted her nonstop... But she looked after herself and was fine despite my worrying. I'm sure your girlfriend is fine. Don't worry, or if you can't help it, distract yourself.

Also, OCD is bullshit. It gets worse and worse constantly. I have more and more compulsions as time goes on, and more of the same, horrible obsessions. My intrusive thoughts are either something horrible happening to me, something horrible happening to people I love, or me violently harming people around me. Scares the shit out of me. What if one day I go crazy and push my son under a bus? Also, just walking around without these horrible thoughts... walking down stairs, doing normal stuff... wouldn't be marred by scary thoughts. Also I am obsessed with gas explosions atm so I have to check the oven isn't leaking gas, and I have to open the kitchen door every time I turn the hob on.

[Il Medico]

Man I'm sick as a dog and I got a speeding ticket and a ticket for not having an up to date address on my drivers license that I got no money to pay for, because apparently my life can't not suck for more than a few days at a time.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Just spent the last 5 hours talking to this one girl. I think I really like her. But she's only 17, which is kind of young. Like its past the age of consent so I'm not getting arrested for rape or anything but still...

[Os Cangaceiros]

Lately my anxiety/stress has started to manifest itself in some bad ways, physical symptoms and such. I think I'm going to go see a doctor tomorrow and see if I can't get a prescription for something to help me with it. I used to take alprazolam (Xanax) but they gave me such a low dose (0.25 mgs) that it quickly lost it's effect & I stopped taking it. (I didn't particularly feel like just taking four pills at a time, either). Plus at the time I was on probation and I was forbidden from taking any psychotropic drugs, prescription drugs included. Which I didn't know they could legally do, but apparently they could...

But maybe it'll be different this time.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

May Day is here! I don't know what the fuck to do about it, because i've only been that leftist for 9 months...

I feel terrible not knowing how to be a fucking socialist.

[Brutus]

May Day is here! I don't know what the fuck to do about it, because i've only been that leftist for 9 months...

I feel terrible not knowing how to be a fucking socialist.

Run onto the street with a red flag shouting death to the bourgeoisie.
All i have done is a Facebook status! I'm so revolutionary!

[Art Vandelay]

Sorry for tmi but really would like to cut hard to the bone right now. Hope you're staying safe.

Ugh this makes me feel like if I didn't have to go earlier, this could have been avoided, by me trying to convince you not to. I'm hoping you got through this okay, I know you are strong enough. You're awesome Quail :)

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Run onto the street with a red flag shouting death to the bourgeoisie.
All i have done is a Facebook status! I'm so revolutionary!

I know! I am planning to get a May Day picture out on facebook about every two hours, just to raise awareness...but...fuck


Is there anything we can do? I mean, as far as I know not one demo or manifestation or whatever has been planned anywhere close? There is a demo in Tilburg and one in Amsterdam, but nothing in the North. May Day seems totally forgotten in the Netherlands.

Crappy ain't it? Especcialy in the North! We are supposed to live in Socialist-country, but is there any action? No!
I mean, look at Germany: Nothing is open except the bear necessity. Wanna go for a drink? You better have some at home! Out to eat? Forget it! Last groceries? Haha!

That just shows how right-winged Holland really is.

[Brutus]

Shout: 'All power to the proletariat' in every class

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Shout: 'All power to the proletariat' in every class

Already shouted it in every workplace i work at...took me one time...

[Brutus]

Already shouted it in every workplace i work at...took me one time...

Ok...
Flip off any rich guy you see?

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Ok...
Flip off any rich guy you see?

Already do that on a daily basis...

Any other ideas? Tackle one, maybe?

[Aussie Trotskyist]

Feeling a bit of the blues.

Perhaps it because I've had a lonely and unproductive day, or perhaps I'm just a teenager moping about nothing serious (this all happened ages ago, but seems to have come up again). Perhaps both.

Rejection hurts, particularly when the woman you asked out feels slightly insulted by the proposition. Doesn't seem to help seeing her on a weekly basis (at least).

Hopefully she's not on these forums, although I don't think she is, nor that she knows my username here. That would be embarrassing.

[Ele'ill]

I am specifically not doing anything for may day right now. Nothing. I am not in a good mental state, it had gotten better, now it's not, and I don't feel like being around people, in fact I can't be around people right now. Not that anything happening on May Days matters at all it doesn't. The chatter now around the ghetto is that people owe and are obligated to show solidarity towards whatever and sorry but i'm not very good with demands and expectations and immediately stop taking those folks seriously.

[Ele'ill]

drinking beer and fishbowls with friends and using wifi

there were riot cops asleep on the sidewalk and inside of their armored truck

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

drinking beer and fishbowls with friends and using wifi

there were riot cops asleep on the sidewalk and inside of their armored truck

Start some loud noise and go back in!

[Brutus]

It's a fucking miserable state of affairs we live in.

[Leftsolidarity]

Had a pretty awesome day yesterday. Made almost $50 busking during the afternoon then at bar time, tilled a new plot for a community garden, skated around the neighborhood bumping into friends everywhere, smoked, played video games, read a book. I like when I can look back and feel like I used my day to its full potential.

And I am interested this young woman who works at the plasma center who I think might be interested back but I can't tell. Every female there gets hit on like crazy so they just block it out so I don't want to seem like I'm just another creepy annoying guy. The past few times I've been there she has started making conversation with me and smiling a little which is out of the ordinary cuz I never see her talk and she always has a straight face. Then today she even went out of her way to ask me about the music I play and whatnot cuz she overheard me talking to someone else. I also think we exchanged more than a random "hello" look while less than a "have sex with me right here" look. I think it was a "hey, Im happy to get to see you" look.


Orrrrrrrr it could all be in my head cuz everytime I go I'm super stoned.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Once you give into temptation once, it's way too easy to keep doing it. there's just no end :/
I'm pathetic

[Quail]

Once you give into temptation once, it's way too easy to keep doing it. there's just no end :/
I'm pathetic
You're not pathetic. That's the normal way for an addict to behave. I can't binge and purge once; it always ends up as a brief relapse.

[Quail]

Also... I'm typing this from my old computer. There was a spider in the room, and my partner is terrified of spiders so I thought I would remove it. It was kind of hard to catch, so I ended up knocking my drink all over my laptop and it immediately turned itself off. Could have blown my motherboard, and more importantly, my dissertation hasn't been backed up in days so that adds a shitload to the amount of work I have to get done. I've stopped crying now and probably won't hyperventilate gain but wow. Fuck. What a stupid fucking moron. I really want to cut so badly. How am I meant to sleep when I've done something this fucking stupid? Also my partner went on at me about how it was late at night and my crying was really loud, and then when I tried to sleep he again moaned about my crying. Sorry, but fuck you, I am pretty upset and angry with myself right now. I can't control my crying either. It's not like I can just tell myself to stop and then I'll feel okay again. I have seriously fucked up and I feel like the biggest fucking idiot in the world.

[Rugged Collectivist]

...

:crying: God that sucks. Don't blame yourself. That shit happens to everyone.

I don't know much about computers, but isn't there some way to retrieve the data?

[Quail]

:crying: God that sucks. Don't blame yourself. That shit happens to everyone.

I don't know much about computers, but isn't there some way to retrieve the data?

There should be. I think the hard drive should be okay. I'm mostly worried that the motherboard is broken because that will be pretty expensive to fix, and also - I can't afford to be wasting time retrieving my files when I have all this fucking work to be doing on my dissertation.

[La Guaneña]

This girl I talked to on the internet and had a hard internet-crush on started talking to me again after 6 months, asked for my new cell phone number, etc

I'm feeling my mind get stirred up already, damn :crying:

[Quail]

Have broken a razor and it's sat next to me. I'm itching to use it but know I shouldn't. I just feel like such a fucking idiot for potentially fucking up my laptop. I've cut over less bad things. Will try to stay calm and strong but ugh... Feel so fucking stupid.

[La Guaneña]

Have broken a razor and it's sat next to me. I'm itching to use it but know I shouldn't. I just feel like such a fucking idiot for potentially fucking up my laptop. I've cut over less bad things. Will try to stay calm and strong but ugh... Feel so fucking stupid.

Please calm down, Quail.

What's bothering you at this moment?

[Quail]

I could have broken my laptop and set myself several days back in getting my dissertation done. The pressure is already enough and I'm on a tight schedule so I really really really really don't need this. Knew I'd crack though at some point.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I could have broken my laptop and set myself several days back in getting my dissertation done. The pressure is already enough and I'm on a tight schedule so I really really really really don't need this. Knew I'd crack though at some point.

Now that's what i mean: spiders are minions of the devil!

Fucking hell...worst case scenario, isn't it?
Can't you turn your stress into productivity? It's something i always (had to) do.
I procrastinate the hell out of my life and when it seems to late, my mind gives me a kick and i go like crazy. Gets it done everytime, so far...

[thriller]

I could have broken my laptop and set myself several days back in getting my dissertation done. The pressure is already enough and I'm on a tight schedule so I really really really really don't need this. Knew I'd crack though at some point.

Hang in there Quail!
-------------------
So what up with my life? Ohh you know, same old shit. No but seriously, May Day was quite lame. This was the first time in like 4 years that I did not do anything for it which made me feel disconnected with who I am/was. I also have three research papers due on Tuesday, two of which I have yet to start writing. I can usually pull things off in a pinch, but being at this new university makes it seem like it is harder to do. I've gotten really involved with this labor campaign at my school in which I was supposed to help write a letter on behalf of our organization to the administration. I did that, shared it, and it got completely gutted. I mean I guess it's fine if they didn't like it, but why commission me in the first place? I also need to start a dialogue with a particular woman but don't know how to go about it. I'm going to be moving soon as well as going back to my old job. Shit just gets more hectic the older I get.

[Quail]

Booted up my laptop earlier and it was kind of okay, but the keyboard was still wet (a in pressing a key typed multiple letters so I couldn't log in). I've put it back to dry and fingers crossed it might be okay.

[thriller]

Booted up my laptop earlier and it was kind of okay, but the keyboard was still wet (a in pressing a key typed multiple letters so I couldn't log in). I've put it back to dry and fingers crossed it might be okay.

I would advise letting it dry for a full 24-48 hours if that's possible. I know you said you are super busy and on a very tight schedule, but if you let it sit for that amount of time it can dry out well. The problem is when it's wet and it's being used.

[Quail]

Yeah I'm not going to touch it again until tomorrow. I can use this old computer and do some work to copy and paste into the main thing and try to get some other work done too I guess. I feel a lot better about it now. Was pretty freaked last night worrying about it and cursing myself for being so fucking stupid.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

How blunt did people get? Noone seems to care anymore. You can call for action as long as you want, as often as you want, people will just look at you like you're crazy...

Damned lazy slacking dimwits...:sneaky:

[TheRedAnarchist23]

How blunt did people get? Noone seems to care anymore. You can call for action as long as you want, as often as you want, people will just look at you like you're crazy...

Damned lazy slacking dimwits...:sneaky:

I just went with my father to get a graphics card, and he spoke to the lady who was on the other side of the counter about how the government is taking away everything, and she did not think he was insane, she knew he was right and agreed.

It is not that people don't care, it is that people only care when it affects them directly.

Unfortunately in Portugal we are a bunch of disorganised angry people. If we organised we would have already, at least, made the goverment fall, and force early elections.

You cannot let it affect you, people will organise when it is needed.

[Lobotomy]

I've been in a constant state of agitation today.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

Ugh.

So there's this girl, who used to be my best friend for a long time, in fact she was probably my first real friend (I'm a cold bastard). Over time, we drifted apart, due to our neuroses, due to my bastard behaviour... but things were looking up, recently. She still can't stand my partner, and I still can't stand her bloody liberalism, but we started talking again, going on long walks...

She called me recently, asking if I wanted to go to the movies. I said yes, even though I can't stand cinema anymore. Then I asked if she would like to go on a walk before that, even though my leg is still fucked up and I can't walk without an annoying, dull pain. She said no, since "we don't have anything to talk about".

The hell? Obviously I'm good enough to act as her chaperone so she won't have to watch some shitty movie alone, but to actually talk to me? That's too tiresome.

The worst thing is that I'm still going to go to the cinema...

I feel sick and wrong.

[Brutus]

Women...
Can make people do crazy shit

[Brutus]

It is hard to act normal. I'm either anxious, evading human contact, or I'm apathetic, with a 'get out of my way, fuck you, I don't give a shit'-attitude.

Normality is shit anyway.

[Brutus]

Every time I enter a new place, I look for a place to hang myself from.
I'm just so fucking tired. If I have not achieved happiness in three months, I'm done with it.

Out Facebook conversation went well...

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

So I went to the movie, and it was alright. It was actually quite good. It turns out that my friend had problems, that I didn't even notice... This doesn't change the facts that her words hurt me like hell, but she had her reasons. And I'm an awful friend for being too fucking afraid to really ask her how she's doing. I feel bad about badmouthing her in the post above, but I don't know if I should [REDACT] it.

[Brutus]

You shouldn't redact it comrade. It may help others

[Brutus]

I'm the fucking scum of the earth.

[thriller]

So I've got three research papers due on Tuesday I feel... slightly more than totally fucked. I should be able to rush two of them for a 'C' grade or better, which is fine cuz they are only like 5-10% of my final grade. But his Russian Intellectual History paper is killing me. It's on Lenin and Russian historical change, which was awesome at first. But I feel like I have exhausted all my data and ideas and I'm only half done with it. Fuck me...

[Brutus]

So I've got three research papers due on Tuesday I feel... slightly more than totally fucked. I should be able to rush two of them for a 'C' grade or better, which is fine cuz they are only like 5-10% of my final grade. But his Russian Intellectual History paper is killing me. It's on Lenin and Russian historical change, which was awesome at first. But I feel like I have exhausted all my data and ideas and I'm only half done with it. Fuck me...

Can you use rev left as a source?

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I'm the fucking scum of the earth.

What happened?

[Brutus]

I somehow managed to alienate my friends and family in one day by being an utter arsehole. I may have to isolate myself

[Brutus]

In fact, I redact my previous statement.
Shouldn't have taken my coffee

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I somehow managed to alienate my friends and family in one day by being an utter arsehole. I may have to isolate myself

Well, speaking as an arsehole, isolation just makes me worse. Also, I know it's tempting to run away from people so you'll stop inadvertently hurting them, but by running away, you would be hurting them even more.

I guess; to be honest I still haven't figured out how to not be a bastard, heh.

[pax et aequalitas]

The love of my life finally became my girlfriend after a few months of confusion and weirdness. We were friends, we became best friends, then friends with benefits and now finally she came over here just to tell me that, although with us leaving school if we pass our exams and thus going our own ways (for her also meaning she'll move to a place I think is with public transport more than 2 hours away from me) we can still try, because as long as we want to see each other, we will.

I am just so happy now after being depressed and suffering from mood swings for quite some time. I finally feel wanted. Like someone really cares about me.

[Brutus]

Everyone has a girlfriend bar cat and me...

[Quail]

You'll find someone nice someday. Honestly, everyone has something attractive about them and there will always be people who appreciate that.

[pax et aequalitas]

Everyone has a girlfriend bar cat and me...

I've felt like I was the only one who would never get a girl for years myself. In fact when she messaged me yesterday that she wanted to come over, because she wanted to talk, I thought like 'oh well this it, it's over, it was too good to be true already'. I was wrong though and I am quite happy about that.

I came to the conclusion eventually that a crush does depend on appearance and stuff like that. However for anything more than that it's just about whether it works out or not. Someone might be handsome as hell, but if that person is an asshole than that won't matter and if people think you're unattractive, but you get along with someone really well than you might just slowly develop these feelings for each other. My now-girlfriend said she never really had a crush on me, but she does really love me nonetheless.

I might be just a random guy on the internet, but I am confident you and cat will find someone eventually. Every little thing's gonna be alright ;)1

[TheRedAnarchist23]

Everyone has a girlfriend bar cat and me...

LIES!! I don't have a girlfriend. I only had that short thing with MI, but you know this already!


You'll find someone nice someday. Honestly, everyone has something attractive about them and there will always be people who appreciate that.

This is true. The girl I was into was very different from the others, and she was very isolated. As far as I know I was the only one interested in her. Turns out she did no feel the same way about me. Still I managed to kiss her before she realised she wasn't into me.

[Brutus]

Sorry TRA!

[Landsharks eat metal]

Sorry TRA!

You also forgot about me :(
(but I think I'd really prefer a boyfriend even though I could go either way)

[Durruti's friend]

Everyone has a girlfriend bar cat and me...
I ain't got no girlfriend. Although that might change soon.

[Brutus]

Everyone ignore my previous statement

[Art Vandelay]

My girlfriends back home from Mexico and we just had a great night. Ordered some pizza and rented a movie, then watched this documentary about sexual assault in the U.S. military and the systematic cover ups which take place. Now she's asleep and I'm alone. I can't handle being sober and alone with my thoughts at night. I need distractions.

[Brutus]

My girlfriends back home from Mexico and we just had a great night. Ordered some pizza and rented a movie, then watched this documentary about sexual assault in the U.S. military and the systematic cover ups which take place. Now she's asleep and I'm alone. I can't handle being sober and alone with my thoughts at night. I need distractions.

Same. I'm here if you need me

[Os Cangaceiros]

Ordered some pizza and rented a movie, then watched this documentary about sexual assault in the U.S. military and the systematic cover ups which take place.

Sounds like a real uplifting romp.

[human strike]

Shit fuck fuck shit. I think I may have seriously fucked up and lost lots and lots of somebody else's money... eek! I think that's the last time I do anyone a big favour ever again. :(

[Art Vandelay]

Sounds like a real uplifting romp.

Heh she was asleep by the point that documentary came on, I just caught the last hour of it. But yeah that wouldn't of been the most romantic end to the night.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm so tired of life

[Brutus]

I'm so tired of life

Join the club

[Jesus Saves Gretzky Scores]

As of late I've reconnected with this girl that I met in summer school a year or two back. I really liked her, she was one of the few people I've ever approached to talk to. She likes the same music and movies as I do, and she's probably been my biggest crush yet. After summer school, we lost contact since I didn't get her number and she was never on Facebook. I went to hang out with one of my other friends last month, and she said Gabby, the girl I like, was there. We all started hanging out and I've been texting her, so things were going pretty great. But at this point I wasn't sure if I even liked her anymore, maybe I just tried to get over it during the period where we weren't talking. She was always on my mind though, and I had no idea what to think. Last Tuesday she told me that she thought she had a crush on me, so I was really happy. We were going to talk on Friday about it, and I was really anxious the whole week, but I was really looking forward to telling her how much I liked her. She was supposed to come over before our other friend got there, but that fell through so I called her instead. I told her I think I liked her too, but she said she wasn't sure if she really liked me or just wanted me as a close friend. So this is probably my first heartbreak, or something close. Later when we were hanging out, I began to realize that we probably weren't going to be very good together. Her personality was different, and not that it's a bad thing, but when I met her she was just getting off drugs, and she was pretty different. Whenever we're not together though I still wish we were together, and I've felt kind of low since. I guess it's just the memory of her and my feelings I'm attached to.

[Futility Personified]

I always browse through the threads on here and find my sentiments already adequately expressed or my understanding too minimal or convoluted to be of any use. Which makes me feel like a shitty leftist, since the phrase "kill your inner bourgeois" seems like a damn reasonable prospect to me in life's eternal ramble to being a better human being. That and I can't find a job for love nor money, (well money otherwise bun getting a job) which means my quality of life is swirling the toilet with great speed.

[Futility Personified]

Also i'm 100% certain that reformism is completely impotent and that even if one state came to the precipice of socialism via revolution or insurrection, how will it spread internationally without NATO pissing all over it? Leftism has given me direction in life and has taken away the irrational hatred I once had for various things and replaced it with a concrete disgust of the ruling classes and given me a more caring, loving outlook more suited to my nature, but it's also made me feel completely impotent as all you can do in the confines of current politics to improve life just makes capitalism stronger by removing the impetus to destroy it, ultimately contributing to it.
Also: I am not a misogynist (although I fear and understand the arguments leading to this being perceived as such) but I love the 4 letter C-word. It is either a potent term of endearment or one of the best things to shout at someone being unpleasant to you (though using the term against a woman just seems... unsubtle)
I don't wanna derail the thread so disregard this post but ya gotta vent, ya gotta vent.

[slum]

pyho, i dont know what the hell i'm doing with my life and i'm about to subject you to my current complaints.

i'm broke and still can't find a goddamn job which yeah, constant creeping panic and dread also i feel like a worthless loser. reading condition of the working class in england so that's some perspective, but it also makes me so god damn angry about this whole system that makes unemployment so crushing you yearn and crawl on your goddamn knees for the privilege to be exploited by people who don't consider you a human being. my rage could power fucking steam engines but as always clearly i'm just not trying hard enough, not selling myself well enough. there are no. fucking. jobs. thousands of applications pour in for these minimum wage shit jobs, and i have no significant experience and i don't ~know anyone~. try harder? i'm trying not to fucking slam my head into the pavement until the world stops.

i'm tired all the damn time but my mind races anyhow and i can't sleep

i mostly dislike people, especially myself and my self-absorption. i'm more interested in ideas than people and that is not a good quality for a communist to have. but i've been trying to change that my entire life and it's never worked. i like reading books and being alone and writing. i'm good at that and i like it and it makes me happy, but, of course, try harder. ~stuck up counterrevolutionary pseudoacademic who doesn't live in the real world~

socialist org i hang out with is so goddamn ideologically insulated and exhaustingly activisty and the more sympathetic i become to leftcom arguments the more i feel alienated from them because they never want to figure this shit out, it's always just BUILD THE LEFT, REVOLUTION to an empty fucking stadium, over and over.

well i guess that covers most of it. gonna go cook dinner (lentils!) in my infested kitchen and drink bad coffee and read engels and basically embody the sad caricature i have become.

oh and also i hate my roommates, for very little reason
probably because i'm in a mood and wish not to be seen by living men

[Quail]

Too much pressure. I've emailed a nearly finished draft of my dissertation to my supervisor and I'm pretty much convinced he's going to be really disappointed that it's crap and I'm not very good at maths.

I also feel really socially anxious at the moment. Convinced people are talking about me, laughing about me behind my back. They don't really like me, they just talk to me because they feel sorry for me. Maybe that's paranoia rather than social anxiety.

Luckily I have an appointment with the mental health team tomorrow, although I doubt anything will come of it.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

and I'm pretty much convinced he's going to be really disappointed that it's crap and I'm not very good at maths.


That's probably your perfectionism talking. You'll probably be okay.
Face it, you're great!! ;)1

[TheRedAnarchist23]

Convinced people are talking about me, laughing about me behind my back. They don't really like me, they just talk to me because they feel sorry for me.

They don't do those things because they feel sorry for you, they do them because they are jealous of you. They want you to feel bad so they can feel superior to you.

The same thing happens to my sister.

[Brutus]

Because quail is an übermensch and they are just the herd

[Ele'ill]

you all in here complaining about dissertations and multiple research papers make me want to go back to school *but* I checked out those math books from the library and did math for 3 hours the first night, 5 minutes the next day and that's it. I hate math but I enjoyed doing it. I don't trust myself to go back to school since I apparently am barely even capable of holding down a shitty minimum wage job. I thought I wanted to go back to school to argue with people about politics lol I think maybe I'll go back to school for tech stuff and work with computer stuff since I like that, it's hands on and involves similar problem solving/theory/logic type stuff and it's one of the only real hobbies that I get excited about and have experience in from doing stuff outside a work/academic environment

[Ele'ill]

stuff

[melvin]

I just snapped at a friend of mine because she was trying to cheer me up. she stormed out but I called for her to stay and so she did, and I apologized. lucky she was kind enough to be understanding. I'm losing control of myself and I can't stand it. I don't know what to do. all I feel is loneliness and anger and I bottle it and then when it comes out I alienate the ones I care about and hate myself.

[melvin]

No matter ho hard I try, I still hit these suicidally depressed low points.

[Yuppie Grinder]

i have to see a cardiologist, might have diabetes :/

[Os Cangaceiros]

A cardiologist? Is there something wrong with your heart?

[human strike]

Shit fuck fuck shit. I think I may have seriously fucked up and lost lots and lots of somebody else's money... eek! I think that's the last time I do anyone a big favour ever again. :(

I found the receipt! THERE IS A GOD! I hereby renounce my heathen atheist communist feminist ways and will be back at church on Sunday for the first time in almost a decade.

[melvin]

I can't fucking stand it anymore.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

dealbreaker because you know one of my exes whaaaaaat that sucks

[Brutus]

I don't know whether I hate everyone else, or hate myself; to hurt someone else, or to hurt myself. So angry, but at what? At whom? Why?
Am I apathetic or antipathetic to life? Previously undirected anger, concentrated into this post, but what will it achieve? What will anything achieve, if it all eventually blows up in our face?

[Landsharks eat metal]

I wrote a shitty poem today about how I feel every time some of my classmates ever talk to me:
I'm sorry for existing
my mistake.
Sorry that the rusty metal
I found in desperation
didn't split my skin enough
for the life to leave my body.
I'm sorry that the accident
only twisted up the car, not my body.
I should have gotten a gun long ago
caused myself a moment of pain
to end the years of hurting others.
I'm sorry I ever spoke to you
just let me leave
and you can feel nothing.
It's my bad.

[TheRedAnarchist23]

I wrote a shitty poem today about how I feel every time some of my classmates ever talk to me:
I'm sorry for existing
my mistake.
Sorry that the rusty metal
I found in desperation
didn't split my skin enough
for the life to leave my body.
I'm sorry that the accident
only twisted up the car, not my body.
I should have gotten a gun long ago
caused myself a moment of pain
to end the years of hurting others.
I'm sorry I ever spoke to you
just let me leave
and you can feel nothing.
It's my bad.

Today I went to an event at my school where people read poems. I spent 2 hours listening to poems, and I can tell you that yours is not in any way shitty.
I just wished you did not really feel those things.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Your classmates probably don't hate you...

I feel like life is just slipping by me, that it's just literally wake up, work, eat, sleep, repeat the cycle. Everyday(except for the last two days) for about 3 weeks it's been nothing but 12 1/2-13 hour workdays and when I get home I stay up for about an hour and then pass out to do it all over again. I can barely think straight, I don't want to do anything, too tired to, when the weekend comes I just need to smoke weed and drink and do crazy self-destructive shit because it's the only time I have to do anything it seems. What's the point of getting all this money when you sleep and work all day? Just to spend it on random shit that I don't need, on shit that will bore me in about a week? Everyday feels like a decade but then I sit here and wonder where it was all spent and it all seems to go by so fast. Like am I going insane? I just want to sit here and make some music but can't think, all I do while I'm working is think up shit in my head to pass the time though.

[Slippers]

I learned my landlord is an even bigger asshole than I thought; he's a sex offender. I plan on transitioning soonish. I don't really have anywhere else to go but I'm scared; it's not a save environment for someone like me at all.

[Rugged Collectivist]

I learned my landlord is an even bigger asshole than I thought; he's a sex offender. I plan on transitioning soonish. I don't really have anywhere else to go but I'm scared; it's not a save environment for someone like me at all.

Maybe buy a can of mace?

[Brutus]

And go for the balls

[Slippers]

Maybe buy a can of mace?

I will probably do this; I really don't want to take chances and remaining here and transitioning at all is a chance.

I think it'd be nice to have some protection. It'd at least calm my nerves and make me feel safer to go out and such, especially when I'm in the midst of transitioning.

I feel disgusting remaining here, giving that sick asshole money, but I don't have much choice and I can at least afford to live here.

[Brutus]

I will probably do this; I really don't want to take chances and remaining here and transitioning at all is a chance.

I think it'd be nice to have some protection. It'd at least calm my nerves and make me feel safer to go out and such, especially when I'm in the midst of transitioning.

I feel disgusting remaining here, giving that sick asshole money, but I don't have much choice and I can at least afford to live here.

Catch 22?
I wish I could give some comforting words, but they escape me

[Landsharks eat metal]

i want to take a nap in traffic

My life is so completely devoid of hope.

[Quail]

Anorexic thoughts are coming back due to a fancy dress costume I plan to wear on Saturday. I took laxatives today for the first time in like a year and I want to just fast until I go out. I'll eat tea tomorrow though because my friend is coming round and I'll try and eat before I go out. Pretty sure the temptation to purge will be hard to resist too though.

[bcbm]

just found out another person i know passed away last week. wtf is going on with this spring

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I learned my landlord is an even bigger asshole than I thought; he's a sex offender. I plan on transitioning soonish. I don't really have anywhere else to go but I'm scared; it's not a save environment for someone like me at all.
That's a little more than just being an asshole...

[Questionable]

I just broke up with my girlfriend, and holy shit, do I feel like scum.

For a while I haven't felt passionate about the relationship anymore, I just wanted to move on. It was nothing she did, I just wasn't satisfied anymore.

I finally told her that we should split up, and she took it really fucking hard. She said she loved me, practically begged me to stay with her, and she kept saying "Oh my god" and panicking.

The hardest part was, she did nothing wrong. She's a sweet girl, and a good girlfriend. But I just couldn't do it anymore. The flame wasn't there for me. I can't explain why, but I just wasn't invested in a relationship with her anymore. It's like the part of my brain that was attracted to her shut off, and I knew if I stayed in the relationship, I would just be living a lie.

I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet.

[bcbm]

I just broke up with my girlfriend, and holy shit, do I feel like scum.

For a while I haven't felt passionate about the relationship anymore, I just wanted to move on. It was nothing she did, I just wasn't satisfied anymore.

I finally told her that we should split up, and she took it really fucking hard. She said she loved me, practically begged me to stay with her, and she kept saying "Oh my god" and panicking.

The hardest part was, she did nothing wrong. She's a sweet girl, and a good girlfriend. But I just couldn't do it anymore. The flame wasn't there for me. I can't explain why, but I just wasn't invested in a relationship with her anymore. It's like the part of my brain that was attracted to her shut off, and I knew if I stayed in the relationship, I would just be living a lie.

I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet.

sucks, but it is better than dragging it out, trust me

[Quail]

I feel stressed about everything at the moment. It's my final year at uni so obviously I need to do well in my exams and things, especially given that I would really like to apply for a PhD if anyone will accept me.

Also, my son is being a right fucking terror at the moment and I'm just so sick of telling him the same fucking things all the time and him ignoring me and generally just winding me up. It's hard to remove myself from the situation and calm down because 3 year olds need supervision all the time. I just want to scream and swear at him, but obviously don't do that. I usually go in another room and rant to myself, sometimes hurt myself to calm down. Being a mother isn't the best right now. I think part of it is he is sleeping in a proper bed now so he doesn't go to sleep at night, he stays up and plays with his toys, and then he gets up when the sun starts shining through his blackout curtains, so he's not getting enough sleep. Not sure what to do about that though. He also keeps getting up and trashing his fucking bedroom and the bathroom before he wakes me up. He never used to be like this, it's just the past couple of weeks or so.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Maybe buy a can of mace?


And go for the balls

Macing balls will work great, but will require some fore-work...



Also, my son is being a right fucking terror at the moment and I'm just so sick of telling him the same fucking things all the time and him ignoring me and generally just winding me up. It's hard to remove myself from the situation and calm down because 3 year olds need supervision all the time. I just want to scream and swear at him, but obviously don't do that. I usually go in another room and rant to myself, sometimes hurt myself to calm down. Being a mother isn't the best right now. I think part of it is he is sleeping in a proper bed now so he doesn't go to sleep at night, he stays up and plays with his toys, and then he gets up when the sun starts shining through his blackout curtains, so he's not getting enough sleep. Not sure what to do about that though. He also keeps getting up and trashing his fucking bedroom and the bathroom before he wakes me up. He never used to be like this, it's just the past couple of weeks or so.

So reckognizable. 3-year olds are probably the worst. Worst part with my boy (also 3) is how he will laugh anything away. Little bastard will pull some shit, gets me mad, a smile appears on his face and magically make my madness disapear.
He needs to know he's wrong or that what he's doing is wrong, but how can i when i need to laugh with him everytime?
Thank god (or something) my wife can handle him, but even though she works at a daycare, even she has a hard time dealing with him.

He's terribly hyper and irritatingly smart. Gotta love the little smartass! ;)1

[Quail]

Yes, sometimes when he's done something naughty but amusing I can't look at him with a straight face and tell him why it's wrong, and laughing just undermines what I'm trying to say. Hopefully he will grow out of it at some point.

Also, have lost a couple of kilos this week and will probably end up losing more. I don't want to let it get out of hand but I guess stress always brings back mental health issues, so it'll probably just pass when exams and stuff are over. I'll just be careful I suppose.

[melvin]

Kilos?:confused:

[Landsharks eat metal]

Existing hurts.
I wish i could just talk to people about the things that are wrong but i don't trust anyone i know.
And everyone always says that physical activity would make me feel better and I guess it would especially considering I'm a fucking fatass, but I don't want to do taekwondo anymore. It would be dumb to quit now since I'm so close to black belt, but I'm just not good enough for it. Every night I go, I spend most of the class trying not to cry because I'm just so awful and I can;t keep up with things even though it's been about 4 years now, and most people get their black belt in much less time than that but I suck so much. And I'm a bad role model for the younger kids.
I'm just bad at living. I should probably stop.

[melvin]

Existing hurts.
I wish i could just talk to people about the things that are wrong but i don't trust anyone i know.
And everyone always says that physical activity would make me feel better and I guess it would especially considering I'm a fucking fatass, but I don't want to do taekwondo anymore. It would be dumb to quit now since I'm so close to black belt, but I'm just not good enough for it. Every night I go, I spend most of the class trying not to cry because I'm just so awful and I can;t keep up with things even though it's been about 4 years now, and most people get their black belt in much less time than that but I suck so much. And I'm a bad role model for the younger kids.
I'm just bad at living. I should probably stop.I feel the same way, every day. you can't stop though, because then you might miss out on the point in your life when you no longer feel like this.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Existing hurts.
I wish i could just talk to people about the things that are wrong but i don't trust anyone i know.
And everyone always says that physical activity would make me feel better and I guess it would especially considering I'm a fucking fatass, but I don't want to do taekwondo anymore. It would be dumb to quit now since I'm so close to black belt, but I'm just not good enough for it. Every night I go, I spend most of the class trying not to cry because I'm just so awful and I can;t keep up with things even though it's been about 4 years now, and most people get their black belt in much less time than that but I suck so much. And I'm a bad role model for the younger kids.
I'm just bad at living. I should probably stop.
Don't stop. I stopped doing 'Chinese boxing' (it was a mix of wing chun and muay thai but I call it that because nobody where I live would know what the hell I'm talking about otherwise) a few years ago and still regret it. I mean, I couldn't afford it anymore, but I still regret it.

[DasFapital]

I feel out of it in school and also my cat of 15 years died. he was a good cat. well that's all I've got to pour out for now. sorry it couldn't be something a little more dramatic.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I feel out of it in school and also my cat of 15 years died. he was a good cat. well that's all I've got to pour out for now. sorry it couldn't be something a little more dramatic.
I'm really sorry about that. Last year I lost the dog I grew up with. He was almost 16. As my family fell apart and I was dragged through a very nasty 10+ year divorce, mom trying to keep me away from my dad, moving every year sometimes more, my dad doing everything he could to stay in my life and be my dad, my dog was the only constant. I'll always love him. It didn't hit me until we got his ashes back the next day from the crematorium, and when I saw the urn sitting on the shelf at my mom's house, I cried like an absolute baby (and I'm in my mid 20s). Pets are family members, and you love them like they're your family members. It's like losing a brother, or a child.

[Yuppie Grinder]

I'm not sure if I'm going to pass the 11th grade.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I'm not sure if I'm going to pass the 11th grade.
I could have sworn you're in college. You act really mature here.

[Yuppie Grinder]

I could have sworn you're in college. You act really mature here.

Thanks man. I didn't think I came off that well.

[melvin]

wow, yeah. you are a really intelligent poster.

[DasFapital]

I'm not sure if I'm going to pass the 11th grade.
Don't worry. I remember I wasn't sure I was gonna pass 11th grade either but I managed to pull it off. Just don't procrastinate too much.

[melvin]

I am so fucking fed up with being alive.

[Brutus]

I am so fucking fed up with being alive.

Yup...
Same shit, different day

[bcbm]

I am so fucking fed up with being alive.

if its this or nothing i still find this preferable. at least there are options and, shit, this life is too short anyway, despite never feeling that way. we're just insignificant specks of animated star dust, enjoy what you can.

and if you think this sounds too posi, consider i spent my night sitting alone at a bar spending money i don't have to spend really on shitty beer. still better than the alternative

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

if its this or nothing i still find this preferable. at least there are options and, shit, this life is too short anyway, despite never feeling that way. we're just insignificant specks of animated star dust, enjoy what you can.

and if you think this sounds too posi, consider i spent my night sitting alone at a bar spending money i don't have to spend really on shitty beer. still better than the alternative

I've found that fighting for my kids' future is worth living for. You'd have to have kids though...

[Landsharks eat metal]

I spend my days trying to decide how and when to self-harm next. Lately I've been going into a school bathroom multiple times per day and taking a mechanical pencil (without the point) and scraping off layers of skin on my upper legs until it turns red and hurts like hell. Then a few days later when it scabs over, I pick it off to watch it bleed (and it hurts even worse). The first time I was going to do that, I was asking myself on the way what I was doing and why I deserved it. I did it even though I couldn't think of an answer. I guess some things just don't need to be answered. I never used to think that way, though. When I was younger I used to always want to know the answer to everything. But I've had enough people get angry at me for asking questions over the years.

[ed miliband]

i'm worried about getting depressed and starting to drink heavily again.

[Quail]

i'm worried about getting depressed and starting to drink heavily again.

I'm worried about getting depressed and starting to develop an eating disorder again, so I kind of understand. Maybe now you're aware that you're at risk, you could come up with a list of coping strategies and things?

[ed miliband]

I'm worried about getting depressed and starting to develop an eating disorder again, so I kind of understand. Maybe now you're aware that you're at risk, you could come up with a list of coping strategies and things?

e: embarrassed so took what i wrote away, but simple answer: i'm returning to a place (as in, physical location) that i feel triggers destructive/depressive behaviour in me. i try to explain that to people but nobody really understands

[melvin]

if its this or nothing i still find this preferable. at least there are options and, shit, this life is too short anyway, despite never feeling that way. we're just insignificant specks of animated star dust, enjoy what you can.

and if you think this sounds too posi, consider i spent my night sitting alone at a bar spending money i don't have to spend really on shitty beer. still better than the alternativeyeah, I'd never actually kill myself. I used to consider it, but it's not as if it'd make me happy. it'd just hurt the people I care for and instead of making things better, it'd just make me go away.

[Quail]

e: embarrassed so took what i wrote away, but simple answer: i'm returning to a place (as in, physical location) that i feel triggers destructive/depressive behaviour in me. i try to explain that to people but nobody really understands

I read your reply, but wanted to take more time to respond. I can understand that certain places can be triggering - I get triggered at my parents' house, but I can't really tell anyone about it. I think you said you were moving elsewhere, so that should be helpful - but on the day you have to go back, maybe you could make a plan of what you'll do. For example when I go to my parents house I bring some calming DVDs (Star Trek) and make a point of refusing alcohol socially. I'm not perfect and I do still do unhealthy stuff, but knowing I have a back-up plan (i.e., lie in bed watching Star Trek) does help.

[melvin]

my old bedroom in my parents house triggers really negative thoughts towards myself because being in my old bedroom brings back my teenage suicidal thoughts and loneliness to the front of my mind (not that I'm too much older now). so I understand where you're coming from.

[ed miliband]

it is genuinely just nice to know people understand that, because whenever i explain it to people irl they think it's odd.

[slum]

ugh locations can be the worst for triggering stuff, especially if you once lived or spent a lot of time there.

you're def not alone in that, don't worry

[melvin]

I don't think I've ever explained that to anyone in real life, actually.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Well this is awkward. Not sure if it's PYHO material, but I figured it should go here so whateeer. I'm drunk. Fuck it.

A while back I wrote about my friend who's really one of my best friends about 90% of the time, but when it comes to women he'll get sheisty as hell and is potentially a pathological liar. Me, him, and some girls went out drinking a few weeks back. He was with one girl he was kind of interested in, there were 3 more, one I knew from high school (but I didn't know who was there till I got there). Apparently she was into me, and I kinda rolled with it but this other dude there kept trying to talk to me about video games and stuff so I didn't wanna be a dick and kinda halfass talked to them both.

Shit falls through kinda with homeboy and that girl he was with, and all the sudden he tells me ... girl that was feelin me .... isn't interested out of nowhere because ... she knows one of my exes. I'm thinking that's fuckin weird, everybody knows her (that ex). Whatever. I blow it off. They hang out a few times, and I'm still talking to this other girl who is kinda into me. But I'm not sure what she wants, if she wants a relationship, or not, so I'm keeping my options open but still being kinda aloof with other girls.

Fast forward to today. Me and homey go hang out with said girl who supposedly wasn't interested in me anymore because ex. We're all hanging out, talking, he goes to piss, she goes to smoke, she gets back first and sits in his chair right next to me (before it was her-him-me in that order at the bar) and is talking to me. Buddy gets back and stands between us. She gets up to get the bartender and he plops right back in his seat even though she was talking to me. They talk for a while, then she starts talking to me OVER him, kinda flirting, gives me this bracelet that she made from a liquor bottle cap, we're bullshitting, etc etc, buddy gets quiet. I'm not trying anything, I'm just being social and friendly. Then she goes to leave after like an hour and skips over him to give me a hug and reminded me like 30 times to not forget the bracelet at the bar.

I'm thinking buddy was bullshitting again and just wanted me out of the picture ... for the third time.

I'm not a piece of shit, I'm not trying to date two girls at once, I'm just not completely sure what the first girl I've been talking to wants. If it goes in a good direction, I'm not going to be more than friends with the girl from this story.

My question is ... if things with the girl I'm kinda seeing right now go south ... would I be a complete piece of shit for pursuing a girl my buddy is interested in but not dating, and possibly lying about to get me out of the picture?

Why is single life so complicated. FML.


I think I'm going to wear the bracelet tomorrow to see what buddy says. He'll probably talk mad shit.

[Lobotomy]

I got too attached to someone who basically regards me as a booty call and they're supposed to be coming over on friday and part of me feels like I should call it off and tell them not to come over but I don't know how and I do want to see them and I even made arrangements to not go to work that day and I'm afraid that I will be too weak to do anything fuck fuck fuck

they're totally self absorbed too, and not that smart. and at the same time I'm dating someone else who is not self absorbed, who is smarter, who seems more interested in me, and is someone I have better conversations with. I don't know why I'm so attached to the first one and not the second. I must be a glutton for punishment. Fucking idiot.

[Asmo]

tw abuse

I'm really fucking worried that I'm going to become abusive like my mother, babysitter, and ex-boyfriend. I'm always violently angry, I'm a sadistic fuckhead, I have almost no empathy, I can't manage my depression and dysphoria, and I'm torn between feeling like Gandhi and feeling like Dahmer. I don't really want to hurt anyone, but I can't talk to my therapist about it and I don't know what the fuck to do. Suicide seems like my only option.

[Il Medico]

So the entire right side of my face is throbbing in pain because of an infected and generally fucked up wisdom tooth that is tearing it's way through the fleshy bits in the back of my mouth hole. I can't get said tooth removed because the pathetic excuse for healthcare you get for free in this country doesn't see a need to bump me up on the list to see the oral surgeon. They also won't give me the dental x-rays I've already had done if I go else were to save me some money, because fuck you, that's why.

Unsatisfied with that I headed to an oral surgeon to get an estimate. Apparently, to get one tooth removed it's gonna cost like $800 and they made a point to emphasize to my obviously broke ass that they won't take payments, because fuck you, that's why.
It's like our bloody system's slogan.

American Health Care: 'Because Fuck You, that's why!'

[Quail]

For all the failings of the NHS, I'm really glad we have it. The American healthcare system is fucking appalling. Healthcare is necessary for everyone, not just those who can afford it. It's just mind-boggling. On another forum, someone told a story of a loved one who needed an organ transplant, but they couldn't get him on the waiting list because he couldn't afford the operation. I don't know how common that is in the US, but I just can't comprehend letting someone die and suffer in pain because they don't have enough money.

Anyway, sorry about your tooth Il Medico :(

[human strike]

Yeah, I'm having a tooth removed in a few days and it's costing me about £40 on the NHS and I'll probably get a lot (if not all) of that discounted once I get round to filling out a HC2 form. The NHS is a very long way from perfect but I do feel lucky to have it (whilst we still do).

[slum]

tw abuse

I'm really fucking worried that I'm going to become abusive like my mother, babysitter, and ex-boyfriend. I'm always violently angry, I'm a sadistic fuckhead, I have almost no empathy, I can't manage my depression and dysphoria, and I'm torn between feeling like Gandhi and feeling like Dahmer. I don't really want to hurt anyone, but I can't talk to my therapist about it and I don't know what the fuck to do. Suicide seems like my only option.


abuse is often generational but it doesnt have to be. does your therapist know anything about trauma? often we re-enact what we have experienced ourselves, or direct anger we were not able to feel at the time inwards or out onto others. lack of empathy is also a common facet of dissociation.

there are options; the psychological consequences of child abuse are understood fairly well these days, and recovery is possible. stay safe

[Nevsky]

I am not quite sure how I feel about my life right now. On the one hand I just finished my final exams in school (did rather well), had a few great moments with friends and am generally becoming less socially awkward but on the other hand my love life is still fucking depressing. One of the most cruel things ever happened to me in that context. Finally, I had a great chance to spend time with the girl I love, I was closer to her than ever before but then it turned out to be a dream. One of the most realistic and long fucking dreams I've ever had. Always when I'm sort of peacefully accepting the fact that I'm losing her forever, something like this happens. As if some malicious deity wanted to remind me to stay grim and depressed all the time. Guess it's time for going out of the house, smoking and watching the night sky, one of my favorite activities in recent times.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I am so bloody tired, I sleep 7 to 8 hours every day but I still feel tired throughout the day and I lack the motivation to do anything also fucking spiders the size of orbweavers but these could be venomous I don't know I hate nature make them all go away.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

The spider sort of... flew away? I suppose it must have had a lifeline of thread somewhere, and it decided that my attempts to coax it to go outside were sufficiently threatening. I am rather perturbed by the possibility that it's still here, though. I rather like spiders, actually! But the thought of a larger one crawling over me while I sleep makes me itch so much I'll probably bloody myself.

[melvin]

I feel really close to a girl who I'm friends with and we are really open together when talking, and so I found out she's not interested in me because I told her about how I feel really depressed, but she was before that.

I guess I learned that being open with people is a good way to get rejected.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I feel really close to a girl who I'm friends with and we are really open together when talking, and so I found out she's not interested in me because I told her about how I feel really depressed, but she was before that.

I guess I learned that being open with people is a good way to get rejected.
Not everyone is like that, trust me. Look on the bright side - you DO have a close friend who you can be open with.

[Brutus]

Reece is awesome.

Thank you, I'm glad we both share that view

[Asmo]

abuse is often generational but it doesnt have to be. does your therapist know anything about trauma? often we re-enact what we have experienced ourselves, or direct anger we were not able to feel at the time inwards or out onto others. lack of empathy is also a common facet of dissociation.

there are options; the psychological consequences of child abuse are understood fairly well these days, and recovery is possible. stay safe
Thanks. They know a lot about trauma, just not mine. I could tell them, but there's so much stigma and it's not a subject I'm comfortable talking about with them right now. What if it isn't that and this is just who I am? I know that's not being very rational but still.
I hope it is possible for me. I'll try I guess. Maybe I'll mention something to my therapist soon.

[Il Medico]

Good news everybody! After complaining at my clinic for about an hour they finally agreed to talk to the oral surgeon about seeing me early and I got an appointment for next Thursday! However, I still needed to get some anti-biotics and pain killers to last me till then and the clinic was booked till Tuesday, so I had to go to the hospital and but thankfully I'm poor enough to qualify for their assistance program. So right now I got two different types of pain killer flowing through my veins making my mouth feel pretty okay... and honestly there's nothing like not being in excruciating pain anymore to put one in a good mood. :)

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Well this is awkward. Not sure if it's PYHO material, but I figured it should go here so whateeer. I'm drunk. Fuck it.

A while back I wrote about my friend who's really one of my best friends about 90% of the time, but when it comes to women he'll get sheisty as hell and is potentially a pathological liar. Me, him, and some girls went out drinking a few weeks back. He was with one girl he was kind of interested in, there were 3 more, one I knew from high school (but I didn't know who was there till I got there). Apparently she was into me, and I kinda rolled with it but this other dude there kept trying to talk to me about video games and stuff so I didn't wanna be a dick and kinda halfass talked to them both.

Shit falls through kinda with homeboy and that girl he was with, and all the sudden he tells me ... girl that was feelin me .... isn't interested out of nowhere because ... she knows one of my exes. I'm thinking that's fuckin weird, everybody knows her (that ex). Whatever. I blow it off. They hang out a few times, and I'm still talking to this other girl who is kinda into me. But I'm not sure what she wants, if she wants a relationship, or not, so I'm keeping my options open but still being kinda aloof with other girls.

Fast forward to today. Me and homey go hang out with said girl who supposedly wasn't interested in me anymore because ex. We're all hanging out, talking, he goes to piss, she goes to smoke, she gets back first and sits in his chair right next to me (before it was her-him-me in that order at the bar) and is talking to me. Buddy gets back and stands between us. She gets up to get the bartender and he plops right back in his seat even though she was talking to me. They talk for a while, then she starts talking to me OVER him, kinda flirting, gives me this bracelet that she made from a liquor bottle cap, we're bullshitting, etc etc, buddy gets quiet. I'm not trying anything, I'm just being social and friendly. Then she goes to leave after like an hour and skips over him to give me a hug and reminded me like 30 times to not forget the bracelet at the bar.

I'm thinking buddy was bullshitting again and just wanted me out of the picture ... for the third time.

I'm not a piece of shit, I'm not trying to date two girls at once, I'm just not completely sure what the first girl I've been talking to wants. If it goes in a good direction, I'm not going to be more than friends with the girl from this story.

My question is ... if things with the girl I'm kinda seeing right now go south ... would I be a complete piece of shit for pursuing a girl my buddy is interested in but not dating, and possibly lying about to get me out of the picture?

Why is single life so complicated. FML.


I think I'm going to wear the bracelet tomorrow to see what buddy says. He'll probably talk mad shit.
Bro I'm having the same fucking type of problem right now it sucks.

There's an Indian girl I've been talking to for a little while and she just seems fucking awesome and I swear when we talk it's like my brain is getting a workout, she makes me think hella deeply, hella stimulating my brain and shit. And I just love it.

But then there's a girl I've had a thing for for a while who just randomly started messaging me on my facebook a couple nights ago and we met up and ate and it was like a cool ass night that I'd just love to have again you know.

But with the Indian girl I'm talking to right now it's a little problematic for a couple reasons. She's 17 and I'm 20. It's not like it'd be illegal to have sex because the age of consent is 17 at least and I'd have no problem just waiting for her birthday. But she's the daughter of immigrants from India, they're hella conservative Indians. I'm not Indian, they still see her as their baby, I'm an atheist, and she has this whole thing about how she's honest to her parents about stuff like that for some reason haha. Plus I'd just find it weird to be 20 and dating a highschooler.

The other girl is 26 so no problems like that and she's a little more mature obviously.

[Rugged Collectivist]

My depression got super bad last night. I'm over it now but I think it's because the people I live with left for the night. I feel weird when I'm alone.

[slum]

Thanks. They know a lot about trauma, just not mine. I could tell them, but there's so much stigma and it's not a subject I'm comfortable talking about with them right now. What if it isn't that and this is just who I am? I know that's not being very rational but still.
I hope it is possible for me. I'll try I guess. Maybe I'll mention something to my therapist soon.

yeah, stigma is a killer. therapists have heard it all before though. that said you shouldnt do anything you're uncomfortable doing.

i think we all worry that that's just 'who we are'- we have been trained to believe that there is something innately bad or wrong about us, usually to help explain why shitty things happened to us, or because people told us we were innately bad, or evil. the fact you worry about it- being a sadist, or an emotionless person- i think that shows why you aren't. real psychopaths dont worry so much about their psychopathy.

i promise it's possible- that doesn't mean it's not work, or that it doesn't suck sometimes, but it is possible, and that's enough of a reason to stick life out. if you kill yourself you remove all chance that things can get better.

[Brutus]

2 finals tomorrow. I feel shit and lack all motivation to study. Not that studying now would help, I've not done anything at all. I am going to fail this year and all could have been prevented. Wasted 1 year of my life. Could as well have killed myself 1 year before my death date.

Your death date?

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

2 finals tomorrow. I feel shit and lack all motivation to study. Not that studying now would help, I've not done anything at all. I am going to fail this year and all could have been prevented. Wasted 1 year of my life. Could as well have killed myself 1 year before my death date.

Come on man, you can do it! It's just the nerves and stress and all. I know, i've been there too.
All i can say right now is: toi toi toi!

[Quail]

yeah, stigma is a killer. therapists have heard it all before though. that said you shouldnt do anything you're uncomfortable doing.

i think we all worry that that's just 'who we are'- we have been trained to believe that there is something innately bad or wrong about us, usually to help explain why shitty things happened to us, or because people told us we were innately bad, or evil. the fact you worry about it- being a sadist, or an emotionless person- i think that shows why you aren't. real psychopaths dont worry so much about their psychopathy.

i promise it's possible- that doesn't mean it's not work, or that it doesn't suck sometimes, but it is possible, and that's enough of a reason to stick life out. if you kill yourself you remove all chance that things can get better.
I think the part in bold is very true. This isn't quite the same, but I have really disturbing intrusive thoughts, like horrible, violent images of fucked up stuff that I would never want to do, and I worry that secretly I'm just a psychopath and one day I'm going to go crazy and act on these thoughts. But if I was actually the kind of person who would do those things, I would be so terrified about it. If that makes sense. I realise I'm being a bit vague. But my point is, the fact you're worried is a good sign.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

To brighten up this thread I feel amazing. Not really too amazing about where I am in life but who I am, the person that I've become is who I want to be. And it feels awesome.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I wish i could cut my wrists instead of just my chest and my legs.
but at the same time I wish I had someone irl to talk to about things [that I could trust] so I wouldn't feel like I have to do either.

[Il Medico]

I wish i could cut my wrists instead of just my chest and my legs.
but at the same time I wish I had someone irl to talk to about things [that I could trust] so I wouldn't feel like I have to do either.
Listen mate, I don't know if this will help or not. I've never been particularly good at this sort of thing, but you need to stop. You deserve to stop. I know it's not as easy or simple as that and you probably feel like you deserve the cutting, but you don't. Whenever you get the urge to cut, just do something else, anything else. Go read a book, go for a walk, play with your dog, call your mum, watch a movie, browse revleft, just do something to distract yourself until the urge passes. It's a hard thing to do, I know. But no matter how worthless you feel or how bad of a person you think you are, you don't deserve that, because no one deserves that.

[Yuppie Grinder]

Some dude who always tries starting shit with me was ashing in my hair at a party tonight and nobody told me till I left. I fucking hate young people. They are all so insecure and only know how to get attention by being a dick.

[Rugged Collectivist]

Some dude who always tries starting shit with me was ashing in my air at a party tonight and nobody told me till I left. I fucking hate young people. They are all so insecure and only know how to get attention by being a dick.

I'm sorry. What's ashing?

[Yuppie Grinder]

I'm sorry. What's ashing?

ashing a cigarette

[Brutus]

Hehe. Dialectics states that things move in spirals, no? That's my life, but what the fuck awaits me? It'll be good- I hope. Good things have been happening lately, someone told me it was God, but I wouldn't want God to focus on me- why not the starving children?

[Futility Personified]

Took a random amount of some hallucinogenic compound last night. Took more this morning to alleviate the awkwardness of waking up to find a couple having coupled off said compound whereas I just got drunk and fell asleep. Am now tripping out of my mind, going to go for a walk with my headphones, sketchpad and some motherfucking vimto, with a girt cigar in my mouth like the west country bastard I am, and see what life has on offer.

[Asmo]

Listen mate, I don't know if this will help or not. I've never been particularly good at this sort of thing, but stop it. I know it's not as easy or simple as that and you probably feel like you deserve it, but you don't. Whenever you get the urge cut, just do something else, anything else. Go read a book, go for a walk, play with your dog, call your mum, watch a movie, browse revleft, just do something to distract yourself until the urge passes. It's a hard thing to do, I know. But no matter how worthless you feel or how bad of a person you think you are, you don't deserve that, because no one deserves that. So stop it.
This is good advice.
This is what you do not say to someone struggling with self harm.

[Il Medico]

This is good advice.
This is what you do not say to someone struggling with self harm.
Depression has been a big part of my life (both suffering from and trying to deal with in close friends) for the last year and a half, but self harm never factored in. I wasn't really sure how to come at it so I gave it a shot in the dark. I reworded it to be less blunt, hopefully it's more helpful now.

[melvin]

I had a nervous breakdown last night. I could not stop shaking and my head was in very dull but at the same time severe feeling pain.

[melvin]

I wish I could just get rid of the nausea/headaches/pain in my chest that comes with depression.

[Quail]

I wish I could just get rid of the nausea/headaches/pain in my chest that comes with depression.

Maybe some kind of relaxation technique might help? I haven't really tried it much myself, but I've had it suggested to me more times than I could count.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

I wish I could just get rid of the nausea/headaches/pain in my chest that comes with depression.

I've found that breathing deeply and then sort of slumping when you exhale, like you're stretching or something, helps.

But then again I've found that the bottle helps too, so you probably shouldn't take my advice at face value.

[melvin]

Maybe some kind of relaxation technique might help? I haven't really tried it much myself, but I've had it suggested to me more times than I could count.I try breathing in a really deliberate way. but that just is a leeway into the post-episode headache which kind of feels like a hangover. so it's not a panic attack anymore but a depressive euphoria type thing that feels like a hangover and it's hard to keep my head up. and I still feel the exact same things, just dulled. it is better then panic though because it dulls my emotions.

[Quail]

I feel really dizzy this evening. A sign I suppose that I should try harder to eat enough and keep myself from "purging" it in any way. Stress is turning me into some dreadful bulimic alcoholic pothead.

[Dropdead]

I've been pretty depressed lately. I have no direction in life, I'm almost always bored as fuck and nothing interesting ever happens.

[Brutus]

I've been pretty depressed lately. I have no direction in life, I'm almost always bored as fuck and nothing interesting ever happens.

You are my Finnish counterpart!

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I feel pretty bad lately about being 'round here.
So i'm not poor: i am a car-mechanic, but kind of specialised so i make a decent amount, so does my wife (although that's about to stop). All and all we can still save some money each month.
I am by no means a minority, nor am i female or gay.

I feel so privileged and i feel like i have no right to be here and complain.
I am sorry i did complain.

[Yuppie Grinder]

I feel pretty bad lately about being 'round here.
So i'm not poor: i am a car-mechanic, but kind of specialised so i make a decent amount, so does my wife (although that's about to stop). All and all we can still save some money each month.
I am by no means a minority, nor am i female or gay.

I feel so privileged and i feel like i have no right to be here and complain.
I am sorry i did complain.

You've got nothing to feel guilty about. You exploit nobody.

[Quail]

I feel pretty bad lately about being 'round here.
So i'm not poor: i am a car-mechanic, but kind of specialised so i make a decent amount, so does my wife (although that's about to stop). All and all we can still save some money each month.
I am by no means a minority, nor am i female or gay.

I feel so privileged and i feel like i have no right to be here and complain.
I am sorry i did complain.

Don't feel guilty. It's not your fault you're male, or straight, etc. You don't have to be the poorest, most oppressed person ever to be a communist. It's not like you own a big business, so even if you're relatively comfortable, doesn't mean you're not still getting fucked over by capitalism.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Thanks guys.

Still, i hear people saying their house is shit or they can't get a job...i feel a bit guilty.

[Aurora]

I am by no means a minority, nor am i female or gay.

I feel so privileged and i feel like i have no right to be here and complain.
I am sorry i did complain.
Honestly this is the worst thing about 'privilege' and why i think it's complete bourgeois crap, you have every right to complain and every right to give your opinion and to fight against the laws, cultures and ultimately society that oppresses yourself and others. In fact you have a duty to do so.

You are most certainly part of the solution not the problem and you should be proud of that.

[Brutus]

Trying to revise. My brother knows this and is purposely making as much noise as possible. In 9 years, when he is doing his GCSE's, I will do the same, as revenge for what will be shit grades. I'll beat the fucker to death with a book on the fucking liberal reforms, or follow the example of the suffragettes

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Some dude who always tries starting shit with me was ashing in my hair at a party tonight and nobody told me till I left. I fucking hate young people. They are all so insecure and only know how to get attention by being a dick.
That's fucked. Last night me and about 15 people got tore up at this bar, then we switched bars and I was too fucked to drive so my friend and his girl drove, I'm in back, this other dude rolls with us, they're lightin up, motherfucker next to me ASHES ON MY FUCKING CARPET. I'm like, yo, dude, don't ash on my fucking car. He goes "my bad man no disrespect" and I'm like "aight whatever." A few minutes later he does it again. I'm like, yo, dude, you ash on my carpet one more god damn time I'm gonna break your fuckin face open when we get to [the next bar]." He says "I don't like being threatened, I'm in the army I'm a trained killer". I don't say nothin, dude's like 130 pounds, I got 25 on him and I know how to fight. We end up not talkin, I kinda laugh, and I'm sizin him up. Get back to the crib a while later and I'm like "yo dude show me what they taught you in the army hand-to-hand stance up" being kinda nice. We kinda sparred for a second, but he was so god damn slow, I had three light hits on his ribs before he could even react and I was sloppy drunk. He realized what was up, I was sizing him up, I could lay him out if I wanted, and kissed my ass the rest of the night.


My point is, I'm not a violent person, and I'm sure you aren't either, but sometimes hard headed disrespectful mother fuckers only listen when you talk with your fists. So sometimes it's necessary to let people know that it's not cool to fuck with you.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Yeah sometimes you just have to make total destroy to get a point across or at least threaten total destroy.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

A couple weekends ago I had to show a kid what's up, scared the shit out of him. Just hanging out with my friends and they all decide they want to go to this party. I really didn't want to go, just wanted to chill just us. Plus I wasn't dressed to go, I was wearing a Skyrim shirt and I didn't know anyone at the party do I just knew someone was going to try and fuck with me. Like that guys wearing a Skyrim shirt, nerd, let's bully him tonight. At the party it's alright, I'm really chill just chatting with people(smoking out of a gandalf pipe is a real conversation starter) drinking beers but two motherfuckers thought they were gangster and thought they could get away with messing with me. First these two douches are talking shit saying I barely look 16 while I'm really twenty(which was funny considering I'm about double their size). That was a stupid reason to be upset but they were being stupid as fuck so I tell my friends lets make a trip to McDonalds to get away from these fuckers because I was in a really good mood and didn't want to end up hitting these douchebags. I'm drinking a beer and grab one for the journey. We walk out and those two are like "wait up, we want food too, we'll walk with you guys."

So we're walking and one of these dudes asks me for my unopened beer. I told him no, that I'm saving it for the journey back. So he tells me I'm a fucking knock(which is like calling someone a loser). Still not trying to fight but getting irritated I respond "Yeah, a knock with a beer, you're a knock with no beer. Who would you rather be?" Oh he doesn't like that, him and his friend drop back a little to get out of earshot but they're so stupid I could hear every word they're saying. He's over here "who the fuck does he think he is, does he know me I'm a fucking gangster, I'll beat his ass right now, watch this" and he proceeds to throw his empty cigarette packet at my head and laugh and say sorry like he did it on accident. But that was my tipping point, I took my shirt off and told him I would beat both of their asses by myself, that I was gang banging before they hit puberty. He got all scared and said he was going to call his brother to come over. I don't give a fuck, I'll beat the shit out of your brother too. I told him to wear his brass knuckles too, that afterwards I was going to jack all of his shit as he lay on the ground bleeding crying for his brother. How you going to start shit and then call for backup?

Surprisingly had no more problems that night, those dudes kept their distance, everytime I walked into a room they left. And as I was leaving I made a point to walk up and shake their hands and tell them they better not try shit in the future or I would not hesitate to beat their ass.

[#FF0000]

hardman sunday on revleft

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Fuck yeah.

But to get into more depressing stuff again, I'm fucking all depressed right now. I told a girl a couple days ago that I really liked her and that we should get to know each other on a whole different level. She tells me should would love to so I've been feeling like I'm on top of the world. Then fucking randomly this morning she says that she's not a person that wants to get into a relationship right now. WTF! After all she said about how she wants to have a person in her life, that she's tired of being lonely, after all she said about how she likes me she pulls that shit?! Like seriously just fucking with my mind now I don't know what the fuck to do. Being single fucking sucks, I just want someone in my life so bad. A girl I can tell she's beautiful every morning, a girl I could talk to my problems about, a girl that can give me confidence, etc, etc. I thought she was that girl, but wtf happened, I don't know.

[#FF0000]

Being single fucking sucks, I just want someone in my life so bad

think everyone knows the feeling.

just work on you tho.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

think everyone knows the feeling.

just work on you tho.
I like me, the part that I don't is not having her in my life. She said I deserve the most perfect woman. I don't want the most perfect person, I want her with all of her imperfections, I'm just torn up and am so god damn confused right now.

[Ele'ill]

...so here I am posting in PYHO. The only redeeming element of going back to work a shit deadend min wage job is that I am already a ghost. It's like death practice.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

...so here I am posting in PYHO. The only redeeming element of going back to work a shit deadend min wage job is that I am already a ghost. It's like death practice.

I feel the same way. Except it's not minimum wage but still...a shit dead end job where I feel like I serve no social purpose at all, a job that nobody gives two shits about. Work through the night with a bunch of people who just keep to themselves mostly. Starting to feel crazy remembering bar code numbers to products.

[Skyhilist]

I feel really stupid compared to everyone on this site. I've been here over a year but everyone still seems to know more than me, and I know it's only my fault but I just feel really inferior, like I'm not good at anything to be honest...

[#FF0000]

I feel really stupid compared to everyone on this site. I've been here over a year but everyone still seems to know more than me, and I know it's only my fault but I just feel really inferior, like I'm not good at anything to be honest...

same

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I feel really stupid compared to everyone on this site. I've been here over a year but everyone still seems to know more than me, and I know it's only my fault but I just feel really inferior, like I'm not good at anything to be honest...


same

Same here!

[Brutus]

Same here!

[Ele'ill]

wow how crazy would it be if instead of going to work I just quit my job and traveled around. I would do this but I don't think I am emotionally capable of handling even one more crust punk asking me if they can have a cigarette it would shatter my mind

[slum]

i have to go take an exam now and not think about the amazing job that just fell out of the sky

god i hope i get this position please please please i am going to cry tears of alienated-retail-worker sorrow if i dont :crying:

[Dropdead]

fuck my life. I REALLY tried reading hard to a swedish test this time but oh no, fucking failed it AGAIN. I don't even know anymore.. I fail at everything when I try.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

hardman sunday on revleft
You know how we roll


But, yeah, PYHO. I hate being single and trying to figure out feelings. There are several girls I'm interested in, but only one I'm REALLY interested in, and we only hang out like once every two weeks. Fucking shit.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Getting sick and tired of Neoliberals an libertarians who think they've got socialism/communism figured out and Marxists who think they know all about anarchism.

Just...bleghh

[Pelarys]

Can't sleep tonight, I'm just depressed for some reason... All this everyday stress has been getting on my nerve slowly, and the deranged weather isolates me from outside and drags me down. The fact that it snowed this week end while we're in the middle May is making me miserable. Good thing I dont have real problems if weather has that much effect on me

[Landsharks eat metal]

not in a very good placeright now. everything is reminfung me of how i keep fucking everything up and i always hurt people just byhaving emotions. yesterday (even though she later admitted she was being a little harsh) my mother pretty much told me that i make her want to die. my father blames me for everything wrong with our relationship./ we had two big fights over the weekend and over the course of the second one the only thing I was thinking about is what I could overdose on in order for me not to be a problem for anyone anymore.
and now i feel like i can't open my mouth without my mother being angry and hurt. i want to die

[melvin]

fuck

[Dropdead]

skipped school today, not giving a fuck.
my life sucks.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I fucking knew it!!!!!!!!

http://sphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/310109_461961827225383_819017499_n.jpg

[Quail]

I've got a really sore, swollen throat. My body is trying to sabotage my exams, it seems.


not in a very good placeright now. everything is reminfung me of how i keep fucking everything up and i always hurt people just byhaving emotions. yesterday (even though she later admitted she was being a little harsh) my mother pretty much told me that i make her want to die. my father blames me for everything wrong with our relationship./ we had two big fights over the weekend and over the course of the second one the only thing I was thinking about is what I could overdose on in order for me not to be a problem for anyone anymore.
and now i feel like i can't open my mouth without my mother being angry and hurt. i want to die
You don't need to die. Unless you are deliberately setting out to cause harm to your parents (which I don't think you are), then they're the ones who have a problem they need to deal with. If they can't accept you for who you are, that's not your fault and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

[melvin]

fuckdon't remember posting this, I wonder what I was pissed about

[bcbm]

i smoked so much last night i think i got throat cancer in one sitting. breakfast beer

[Dr Doom]

im starting to think being ridiculously lazy and having zero ambition is detrimental to my happiness

[Ele'ill]

back at work, feel just as trapped, seriously thinking about just never showing up again, talked with two people who feel just as trapped and were thinking about the idea of never showing up again and felt better about the idea of never showing up again, new chapter? Perhaps. It's not like I'm not eventually going to get fired from this job anyways although nothing is in the works yet. My I-can't-give-a-fuck swagger is shining brighter than a supernova though.

[slum]

i didn't get the job.

urgh. first interview i've gotten to in months and they suddenly decide they want someone with a car. is a car required for the duties of the job? no, they just think people who take the bus are less reliable.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

back at work, feel just as trapped, seriously thinking about just never showing up again, talked with two people who feel just as trapped and were thinking about the idea of never showing up again and felt better about the idea of never showing up again, new chapter? Perhaps. It's not like I'm not eventually going to get fired from this job anyways although nothing is in the works yet. My I-can't-give-a-fuck swagger is shining brighter than a supernova though.

What is your job?

[A Revolutionary Tool]

i didn't get the job.

urgh. first interview i've gotten to in months and they suddenly decide they want someone with a car. is a car required for the duties of the job? no, they just think people who take the bus are less reliable.

I hate that shit. It's like you need a car for work but you need money for a car which means you need a job. You can't fucking win unless someone gives you a free/really cheap car.

[Quail]

Feeling pretty sorry for myself with this damn tonsillitis. I seem to have cold-like symptoms as well as a painful throat now.
Of course, I didn't help the situation by making my throat bleed by making myself sick earlier. Such a stupid thing to do.

[Anglo-Saxon Philistine]

So I found myself fantasising about strangling someone today. Not in a sexual context, mind you, simply taking a fascist's neck between my hands and squeezing until there's one less fascist in the world.

Ah well. And this all happened after I responded to a request (to sign a petition against same-sex marriage) by telling someone to go die.

I really need a break from the world.

[Brutus]

Totally justifiable and correct, comrade

[The Cheshire Cat]

:(

[Quail]

:(

Alright? If you need someone to talk to I'm usually around online.

[Brutus]

I'm sad and angry, but I have no idea why...
I've somehow convinced myself that ranting to this forum will help in some way

[Quail]

I'm sad and angry, but I have no idea why...
I've somehow convinced myself that ranting to this forum will help in some way

It can help by getting your thoughts out of your head, if that makes sense.

[Brutus]

It can help by getting your thoughts out of your head, if that makes sense.

My thoughts are clouded by hate and worthlessness.
Nevertheless, your advice is appreciated

[Fourth Internationalist]

Hmm...
*pours heart out*
There's blood.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I feel like I need to punish myself for every stupid little mistake but then when I think about it a bit more I go through really confusing turns in my mind or sometimes just circular logic like I want to hurt myself because I'm pathetic, then I ask myself why I think I'm pathetic, and the answer is because I want to hurt myself. Or like I want to hurt myself and then I realize that's stupid but then I say that it's not stupid, it's just mental illness then I call myself pathetic, then I think of what a jerkass I am to think that mental illness is pathetic, even though I would never think that about anyone else.

I can't focus on good things either because it just seems so pathetic with what a horrible person I think I am. Like someone trying to prove that Hitler wasn't a bad person because he liked dogs. I mean, it's not like I think I'm as bad as Hitler or anything, but that example came to mind earlier today when I was trying to think of something good to say about myself.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I feel like I need to punish myself for every stupid little mistake but then when I think about it a bit more I go through really confusing turns in my mind or sometimes just circular logic like I want to hurt myself because I'm pathetic, then I ask myself why I think I'm pathetic, and the answer is because I want to hurt myself. Or like I want to hurt myself and then I realize that's stupid but then I say that it's not stupid, it's just mental illness then I call myself pathetic, then I think of what a jerkass I am to think that mental illness is pathetic, even though I would never think that about anyone else.

I can't focus on good things either because it just seems so pathetic with what a horrible person I think I am. Like someone trying to prove that Hitler wasn't a bad person because he liked dogs. I mean, it's not like I think I'm as bad as Hitler or anything, but that example came to mind earlier today when I was trying to think of something good to say about myself.

Fuck mental deathtraps. There is nothing better in fucking you up than your own brian.
Fuck brains!

[Skyhilist]

Ugh. My aunt is trying to guilt trip me and has suceeded in making me feel really bad. I made an anti-war post on Facebook saying basically that U.S. soldiers often think they're doing the right thing, but in reality aren't heroes (rather tools of war) for the actions the carry out. Now for being anti-war and saying that the troops aren't heroes I get singled out by my aunt with a guilt trip. And now she's probably going to tell everyone else on my dad's side of the family, and most of them have served in the army so they're probably all going to hate me now :(

Here's what she said:


"Sky, I didn't realize that you felt that way about me. I'm sorry I have been an embarrassment to you. However, I am proud that I served in the military as are your uncles and grandparents and cousins. One thing is for sure...the right to keep your freedom of speech has been and is still being protected. So you are safe to speak whatever you wish. Hugs and I will bow out so as to keep you from having to deal with such low lives as my veteran self. :("

I mean I know it's intended as a guilt trip but I seriously feel bad now. How do I even respond to this? Do I even respond? Is my family on my dad's side going to hate me now after she tells them? :/

[Fourth Internationalist]

Here's what I would say, from the information you have provided:


"Sky, I didn't realize that you felt that way about me.

"I'm not critiszing you, but the government that has often lied to its people for the sake of its own political and economic interests."


I'm sorry I have been an embarrassment to you. "I never said you were an embarrassment, but the government is."


However, I am proud that I served in the military as are your uncles and grandparents and cousins. (this answer depends on the war they fought in)
WW2: "Yes that was a necessary war" etc
Vitenam, Iraq, etc.: Say something along the lines of an unjust and imperialist war of the false guise of protecting freedom


One thing is for sure...the right to keep your freedom of speech has been and is still being protected. So you are safe to speak whatever you wish. "Unless they are radically different from the government. For example, in WW1, outspoken activists against the war were often censored and deported. Emma Goldman is a famous example. Even today, peaceful protests against economic inequality are attacked by police for no reason."

Censorship in the United States (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Censorship_in_the_United_States)


Hugs and I will bow out so as to keep you from having to deal with such low lives as my veteran self.""I never called you a low-life. Why would you think I believe that about you?"

[Brutus]

I presume you mean economic inequality

[Fourth Internationalist]

I presume you mean economic inequality

You have presumed wrong, my friend. It is time someone stands up to the communazislamic government and demand an end to the constant police attacks on Tea Party protests and KKK rallies!

[Futility Personified]

Coming down to Perfect Day and Where Is My Mind, writing as much as my fragmented state will allow. Is anything so bittersweet as depression induced by serotonin depletion coupled with sentimental music?

[La Guaneña]

Why is my heart so sooooooooooooooooooooooft?

[Rugged Collectivist]

Ugh. My aunt is trying to guilt trip me and has suceeded in making me feel really bad. I made an anti-war post on Facebook saying basically that U.S. soldiers often think they're doing the right thing, but in reality aren't heroes (rather tools of war) for the actions the carry out. Now for being anti-war and saying that the troops aren't heroes I get singled out by my aunt with a guilt trip. And now she's probably going to tell everyone else on my dad's side of the family, and most of them have served in the army so they're probably all going to hate me now :(

Here's what she said:


"Sky, I didn't realize that you felt that way about me. I'm sorry I have been an embarrassment to you. However, I am proud that I served in the military as are your uncles and grandparents and cousins. One thing is for sure...the right to keep your freedom of speech has been and is still being protected. So you are safe to speak whatever you wish. Hugs and I will bow out so as to keep you from having to deal with such low lives as my veteran self. :("

I mean I know it's intended as a guilt trip but I seriously feel bad now. How do I even respond to this? Do I even respond? Is my family on my dad's side going to hate me now after she tells them? :/

Yeah, this is why I don't talk politics with my relatives. If you want to argue with her (which I would advise against because she seems to want to avoid it, which means her feelings are hurt or she isn't confident in her arguments) I would bring up the fact that free speech can easily be taken away (remind her that McCarthyism was a thing) Or criticize the concept of free speech. Like I said, you probably should avoid an argument all together. If your aunt is this surprised and upset that you're critical of the military she would probably flip her shit if she found out you're a dirty, dirty communist.

Ultimately it's your family and your life so I can't tell you what to do but I hope this helped.

[slum]

i need to learn not to engage with a certain bully who married into my family

somehow every aspect of my manner and opinions are deeply offensive to him and
mostly he behaves just like my abuser which is triggering as fuck

i have hiccups
tonight sucks

[Brutus]

Coming down to Perfect Day and Where Is My Mind, writing as much as my fragmented state will allow. Is anything so bittersweet as depression induced by serotonin depletion coupled with sentimental music?

Oh its such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you! Oh such a perfect day, you just keep me hanging on, you just keeeep my hanging on.
*piano solo*

[Quail]

I feel ill, everything hurts and I'm going to mess up my exams because I'm too ill to focus on revising :( I really needed to get a solid mark in these exams too to bring myself up from the borderline of 2:1/2:2, but meh fuck it I guess. I'll just end up with a shitty 2:2 and I won't be able to do what I want. I sent a message to my tutor about it but I don't know what I can do other than hand in my doctor's note and explain why I haven't been able to revise properly. I have a 10 day course of antibiotics and supposedly I should slowly start to get better this week. But I have another exam on Thursday, and my preparation has already been compromised so I don't think I have any hope of doing well unless I make some kind of miraculous recovery. Fuck everything. My head hurts, my tonsils hurt, my teeth hurt and I can't eat because I feel sick.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I feel ill, everything hurts and I'm going to mess up my exams because I'm too ill to focus on revising :( I really needed to get a solid mark in these exams too to bring myself up from the borderline of 2:1/2:2, but meh fuck it I guess. I'll just end up with a shitty 2:2 and I won't be able to do what I want. I sent a message to my tutor about it but I don't know what I can do other than hand in my doctor's note and explain why I haven't been able to revise properly. I have a 10 day course of antibiotics and supposedly I should slowly start to get better this week. But I have another exam on Thursday, and my preparation has already been compromised so I don't think I have any hope of doing well unless I make some kind of miraculous recovery. Fuck everything. My head hurts, my tonsils hurt, my teeth hurt and I can't eat because I feel sick.

I hope you get well soon! You worry too mch about your exams. Maybe so much it prohibits you from healing as quickly as you could.
Never give up on what you want. My wife (31) is actually preparing to go back to school to become a teacher. I'm so fucking proud of her!

Please make me proud about you too!


Well, I hope you find some comfort in the fact that you're not alone, comrade! I blew yesterday's exam because of sickness. Don't think that tomorrow's exam will go anything better. But whatever, we'll see how things work out. Try not to care too much, as there is nothing you can do about it right now. Anyway, hope you get better soon.

Same for you. Get well soon, man. Don't worry too much. Fuck the weather in Holland right now: people are getting sick more than usual in this time of year.
We should be in shorts and shirts right now. I don't even know what to wear tomorrow anymore.


Anyways, i hope you both feel better soon and get your deserved degree's/dimploma's.


Oh, if my story is missing any u's, this keyboard is fcked.

[Landsharks eat metal]

So much could have been, and nothing was.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

So much could have been, and nothing was.

Let me refrase that:

So much could have been, and nothing is...will be though!

Hold on my friend...hold on!

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Oh my goodness...

So i have this blog, socialist/anarchist of spirit, and on that blog i can check my statistics.
Now some time ago i wrote two articles about anti-muslim (in Dutch, but i'll translate the titles). One called "Anti-Islam; the new Antisemitism" and the second called "Anti-Islam; the Reason".
Both of them are very well read since, even about a dozen of times per day.
I use a lot of tags in a smart way, so i get lots of readers (as opposed of those other bloggers who use complete phrases as tags).

As i said, i can check the statistics. Now in those statistics i can see how people stumble upon my blog and what search-phrases they used.

Since the afore mentioned articles, i've been getting a lot of anti-islam search-phrases, some positive ("what to do about anti islam"), some negative ("anti semitic muslims").

Today one stood out. A search-phrase which honestly gave me chills.
This was the phrase:

"Gas muslims"
...

Fucking sick shit! How the hell can you be such a nazi that you actually google that shit!?

Fucking scares me that there are people out there who would...

Just...fuck...:crying:

[Quail]

These exams are really important though. In previous years of uni I didn't do as well as I perhaps should have done for various reasons, like having my son and mental health issues... and this is my final year, and for once I had been keeping up with my work (attending lectures and doing the homework) and I seemed set to get a solid 2:1 in my exams which would pull up my degree classification from a high 2:2, but this illness has really fucked me over. Even though I'm handing in a doctor's note, I imagine they'll just look at my older grades and think that they're fairly in line with those so I can't have been that ill. If I end up with a 2:2 that rules out any hope of studying further (I had been hoping to apply for a PhD), so it kind of feels like my plans for the future are disappearing in front of my eyes. It's hard not to feel shitty about that.

[melvin]

what are you planning on doing with your life?

[Brutus]

what are you planning on doing with your life?

Eking out a miserable existence.

[Rugged Collectivist]

I feel like, at some point, I'm going to have to choose between my new job and going to college. I really hope I can do both.

[Ele'ill]

bored on internet so watching videos of people getting stung by insects

[PC LOAD LETTER]

fuck i hate my life right now

tryin stay based but i mean im kinda an alcoholic and like shit happens

[Landsharks eat metal]

My rat died last night :( She was getting old and weak and I knew it was going to happen soon, but I still can't really believe she's gone. Every time I eat something I start to think about how I should give her a little piece but then I realize I have no rat to share my food with.

[Il Medico]

My rat died last night :( She was getting old and weak and I knew it was going to happen soon, but I still can't really believe she's gone. Every time I eat something I start to think about how I should give her a little piece but then I realize I have no rat to share my food with.
I feel ya man. My dog died back in February and I still sometimes expect her to be sitting there at the door when I come home from work. It's terribly sad in those moments when you remember they're gone. :(

[melvin]

fuck i hate my life right now

tryin stay based but i mean im kinda an alcoholic and like shit happensI don't feel sympathetic to people with problems that arent related to leftism or gender theory fuck you

but for real, that sucks hard. its hard to not abuse alcohol when you have nothing to really fall back on for emotional comfort. how long have you been alcoholic for?

[human strike]

My rat died last night :( She was getting old and weak and I knew it was going to happen soon, but I still can't really believe she's gone. Every time I eat something I start to think about how I should give her a little piece but then I realize I have no rat to share my food with.

All of the condolences and solidarity.

Got pretty worried about my rats last night. My housemate's cat usually can't get into my room where my rats live - she'll often sit outside the door for ages at a time though - but last night she managed to climb in through the (first-floor (that's second floor to our yank comrades)) window. They were out their cage at the time and I don't know what she did to them, if anything, but my boys absolutely freaked. I've never heard them squeal so loudly. At first I thought they were just fighting again like they sometimes do, but then I saw the cat and was like "WTF?!" They were proper shaken up after that, not even interested in food which, for rats, is extraordinary. FUckin' cat. >_>

[melvin]

alcohol has been majorly abused me 1 society 0

[Os Cangaceiros]

For one of the first times I know what I want to do with my life. I'm done with floundering around, I'm going to own this motherfucker.