I'm asexual: ask any question

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

After responding to a post in the pour your heart out thread I thought that it would be helpful to try to educate one of the lesser known and lesser appreciated sexual minorities. So I thought the best thing to do would be to make a thread where people could ask me about my life and experiences as an asexual. Or you can ask me about asexuality in general.

So yea, I am a biological male asexual with libido defficency disorder. I'm also transgender so you can ask me about that if you'd like.

[Sam_b]

This has the potential to be a very interesting thread and thanks for being so open. I thought I'd get the ball rolling with a question.

Right now I'm involved with organising Radical Queer Independence, which is hopefully going to be a big LGBTQ wing within the Radical Independence Campaign. One of the discussions which is ongoing is the idea of whether it should be LGBTQ or LGBTQIA. My question would be as an asexual, do you feel you fit in with the LGBTQ community in the sense of perhaps having similar goals, or feel that asexuality is something which has objectives and challenges that are very separate and distinct? Have you been met with any hostility from LBGTQ members yourself? I have heard there have been problems with this in the past.

[Skyhilist]

I have three questions:

1. Do you perceive asexuals personally to be as oppressed as other minority sexualities such as homosexuals and bisexuals?

2. Do you feel that homosexual is genetic, or a result of the material conditions surrounding you, or both?

3. If you feel there is a genetic component, do you have any insights on what you might believe to be the development of an asexual gene? I only ask, because it would be a very atypical situation if it were genetic, because evolution usually works to increase the genetics of the individuals who reproduce the most (whereas, asexuality would do the opposite of this and therefore would seem almost counter-intuitive for evolution, in most situations).

Thanks, comrade

[Skyhilist]

whether it should be LGBTQ or LGBTQIA. Forgive me for my ignorance, but what would the 'I' stand for in this?

[melvin]

Forgive me for my ignorance, but what would the 'I' stand for in this?Intersex.

[Comrade Nasser]

Couple questions comrade (please forgive me if I ask something fucking stupid or offensive)

1. Are you attracted to men or women more or both equally? Or do you just not find either gender attractive?

2. Do you feel as if Asexuals are viewed as "strange" or "different" by the society we live in, much the same way as homosexuals, bisexuals, trans people, and ethnic and religious minorities do?

3. Do you think that you were born Asexual or did it develop as you were growing up?

4. How do you feel about people who want to ban interracial marriage and gay marriage, such as Scumfronters? Do you feel like they are a serious threat to you and other sexual, religious, or ethnic minorities or pretty much anyone who isn't pretty much the same as them y'know (white, lower class, stupid, broken home)?

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

This has the potential to be a very interesting thread and thanks for being so open. I thought I'd get the ball rolling with a question.


You're welcome! I was afraid that there would be a few rude people that would tell me that it didn't merit a thread. So I appreciate this support!


Right now I'm involved with organising Radical Queer Independence, which is hopefully going to be a big LGBTQ wing within the Radical Independence Campaign. One of the discussions which is ongoing is the idea of whether it should be LGBTQ or LGBTQIA. My question would be as an asexual, do you feel you fit in with the LGBTQ community in the sense of perhaps having similar goals, or feel that asexuality is something which has objectives and challenges that are very separate and distinct? Have you been met with any hostility from LBGTQ members yourself? I have heard there have been problems with this in the past.

Well in terms of being oppressed, let's face the facts, asexuals have never been killed for being asexual. However in many social Conservative communities, such as in the early puritan settlements, failure to sexually satisfy one's husband or wife was considered valid grounds for divorce and I believe many were exiled for failing to sexually perform. Still the sort of stigma attached to asexuality is different than the stigma attached to homosexuality. There has been no historic attempt to cleanse us from the earth. However in America failure to perform sexually is still a legal grounds to annual a marriage, which would mean that the other partner would not get their just compensation.

But we face stigma on a different level, due to our sexualized culture we are expected to "put out" and since there isn't a large pool of asexuals to date many of us face abuse from our partners. For example in my last relationship, when I failed to put out, she cheated on me with a girl and two guys and then broke up with me. So while I wouldn't say that we are oppressed per se I would definitely think that the asexual community would benefit from some awareness and more importantly a greater level of community organizing so we can get in touch with other asexuals.

And yes I do think we have a place within the wider queer community. Since many asexuals don't feel sexual attraction we are able to date people of all genders, although some of us are conditioned to go for one gender and prefer to stay in their safe zone. More importanly I think that we can offer a perspective on how the heteronormitivity of mainstream culture is damaging and why queer sexuality is far more progressive then hetronormative sexualization which is being sold as "feminist". For example I remember when Naoim Klein said that males not being able to perform is a form of oppression and that woman are entitled to "awesome sex". therefore justifying the stigmatization of low libeto men. So I think our perspective is definitely needed in the LGBTQ movement.

[Fourth Internationalist]

Do asexuals like sex?

Is it just that gender doesn't affect attraction, or that none of them are 'attractive' (turn them on), but the sex itself does, if they enjoy sex?

How do asexuals go about dating, sex, etc.?

What's the difference between transgender, transsexual, and intersex?

:)

[Zostrianos]

Maybe a bit along the same lines of what others have posted:

Do you feel any attraction toward the opposite\same sex (whatever it may be in your case)?
If so, and if you're interested in seeing someone, how do you picture yourself expressing your affection toward them if it doesn't involve sex?

[Comrade Nasser]

You gonna get back to us or not comrade? :confused: lol

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

Do asexuals like sex?


Nope, some of us find the idea disgusting, some of us find the act unpleasurable, and some of ys, like myself, simply can't get arosed enough to engage in the act.



Is it just that gender doesn't affect attraction, or that none of them are 'attractive' (turn them on), but the sex itself does, if they enjoy sex?


Some asexuals do stick with a gender, typically these are the ones that "come out" later in their lives or have had relationships with woman before, hence they feel more comfortable with that gender.


How do asexuals go about dating, sex, etc.?


Generally like normal people. There is a difference though, we don't really develop crushes like most people. We don't "fall in love". We just find a person to be compatible with our own personality so we can date them and gradually develop feelings for them.

Obviously we don't do sex. But there are plenty of other activities that we do with eachother. The most basic form of asexual sexuality is cuddling, we really, really, really like to cuddle. An asexual will cuddle your fucking brains out. But in addition some of us masturbate together and give each other oral sex, which is a bit easier for males to give to females because it doesn't require an errection, while it would be significantly harder for a female to give a male oral sex. (My ex tried 5 times, failed every single time)


What's the difference between transgender, transsexual, and intersex?


Transgender refers to people who don't conform to the two gender male/female dichotomy, such as genderqueer and androgeyne but it can also refer to standard transsexuals.

Transsexual refers to the basic MTF FTM transgender people, however it can refer to transgender people who are sexually attracted to other transgender people.

Intersex is a nice word to call people with both sets of genitalia.

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

You gonna get back to us or not comrade? :confused: lol

Hey I'll get to it! I'm going to take a shower first though

[Comrade Nasser]

Hey I'll get to it! I'm going to take a shower first though

Lmao i'm just joshing you bro :laugh:

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

Do you feel any attraction toward the opposite\same sex (whatever it may be in your case)?


Well I'm going to speak from my own experience. I have Male Libeto Defficency Disorder, which means essentially that at one point I felt arousal and other feelings associated with sexuality but as I grew older these faded gradually. For me it started soon after puberty and I started identifying as asexual when I was 16. But even when I called myself asexual I'd still experience the occasional spout of "horniness" for a week at a time once every three months or so. The last time the gap was about 6 months and I was capable of sexual arousal for about a week. It subsided and now I find it difficult to masturbate so I think it might have been my last hoorah. I wish I was able to exploit it.


If so, and if you're interested in seeing someone, how do you picture yourself expressing your affection toward them if it doesn't involve sex?


Well of course I am quite the romantic, I've dated many people in my day and I'm a published poet so I know my way around.

But it you meant sexually speaking, I'm pretty decent at giving oral sex. I also enjoy masturbating in my partner's company and vica versa. But of course one of my favorite things to do is to cuddle. I love cuddles. Though I might be interested in letting my partner wear a strap on and give me anal, since that doesn't require me to be aroused. Though I imagine that'd hurt and wouldn't be very fun on my end, still, when you're an asexual you need to make concessions and compromises.

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

Couple questions comrade (please forgive me if I ask something fucking stupid or offensive)



1. Are you attracted to men or women more or both equally? Or do you just not find either gender attractive?




2. Do you feel as if Asexuals are viewed as "strange" or "different" by the society we live in, much the same way as homosexuals, bisexuals, trans people, and ethnic and religious minorities do?


Definitely, sex is a key component to the capitalist mode of reproduction. Through sex, the capitalist ideology of hierarchy, patriarchy, and gender manifest themselves and replicate themselves. The abolition of capitalist and hetronormative sex is a key component of socialism and without it capitalism is not abolished. Therefore asexuals are the pianicale of queer sexuality, those who abstain from it entirely.


3. Do you think that you were born Asexual or did it develop as you were growing up?


I was born sexual but later lost my sex drive


4. How do you feel about people who want to ban interracial marriage and gay marriage, such as Scumfronters? Do you feel like they are a serious threat to you and other sexual, religious, or ethnic minorities or pretty much anyone who isn't pretty much the same as them y'know (white, lower class, stupid, broken home)?

The struggle against heteronormativity is a struggle against capitalist ideology in it's purest form. Therefore to combat the fascist directly is one of the finest manifestations of class struggle we can engage in. For those who are not fascists but still under the sway of capitalist ideology, we must engage them without being rude or dismissive. When the revolution comes, it will be our duty to be responsible and cease our violent treatment of the fascist for the more humane alternative of being temporarily quarintined from society at large and re-educated until they are clean of bourgeois ideology.

[Comrade Nasser]

Thanks for getting back to me! Couple more questions if you don't mind? lol

- How did you're parents/family/friends react when you told them you were asexual and trans? Or do they still not know?

- Do you ever see yourself in a long term relationship (i.e. marriage) with another person, be they asexual or not?

- How do people you recently met in real life react if you do tell them you are Asexual?

- You say you're sex drive has died down quite a bit, right? By that do you mean sexual acts don't arouse you or just people in general do not seem attractive to you?

- Have you ever met an idiot who treated you differently/bad after you told them about you're sexual tastes? If so, how did you react? Violently, or in a calm and subtle manner?

[Sam_b]

Thanks for the response!

[smellincoffee]

I used to consider myself, asexual, though in recent years I've realized my drive was simply dormant. There's an asexual community called AVEN, and there they make a distinction between romantic interest and sexual interest; I'm going to guess by your having been in a relationship that you do have romantic interest in people. Is this true?

In your prior relationships, when if ever did you reveal your asexuality? First date? How long are you comfortable 'stringing someone along', as it were, considering that these days people expect sex within a few dates or so?

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

Thanks for getting back to me! Couple more questions if you don't mind? lol


Not one bit!


- How did you're parents/family/friends react when you told them you were asexual and trans? Or do they still not know?


As a general policy I don't tell people. I'm very private with these things. Expecually with my parents, I just don't see a good reason to tell them since my father is one of those right-of-the-tea party fellows and my mother is likey to try to tell other people about it or annoy me about it.



- Do you ever see yourself in a long term relationship (i.e. marriage) with another person, be they asexual or not?


Definitely, recently I've been considering polyamory as a possible solution to the problems of asexuality, because I don't really have any problem with my partner sleeping around and I'm not to fond of the idea of monogomy.


- How do people you recently met in real life react if you do tell them you are Asexual?


I remember when I mentioned it at my lunch table they all laughed at me a bit and denied it existed. They're a bunch of privileged upper-middle class Chinese immigrants so obviously their heads are buried in hetronormativity. Though a couple of them came to me afterwards and admitted that they were perhaps asexual.


- You say you're sex drive has died down quite a bit, right? By that do you mean sexual acts don't arouse you or just people in general do not seem attractive to you?


Both, generally speaking I do understand what an attractive person looks like so if you were to ask me to tell you whether person A or person B is attractive I'd be able to give you an answer, but I'd feel the same level of unattraction for both of them.


- Have you ever met an idiot who treated you differently/bad after you told them about you're sexual tastes? If so, how did you react? Violently, or in a calm and subtle manner?


Not really unless you count the incident that I mentioned earlier, I just rolled that off.

[Il Medico]

You mentioned earlier in the thread that you had a libeto deficiency disorder which resulted in your loss of a sex drive, do all asexuals become asexual in this way or are some born asexual? Also, do asexuals view asexuality as a sexual identity like LGB people or as something else?

[smellincoffee]

You mentioned earlier in the thread that you had a libeto deficiency disorder which resulted in your loss of a sex drive, do all asexuals become asexual in this way or are some born asexual? Also, do asexuals view asexuality as a sexual identity like LGB people or as something else?

I hope YABM doesn't mind me jumping in, but I spent 5+ years at an asexual forum. The members there (at AVEN) attributed their asexuality to all manner of things, from hormones to genetic hiccups. They definitely considered asexuality to be part of the spectrum of sexuality that covered LGBs. Many regarded asexuality as something that could be felt in degrees: that is, given three people, one could be 'less sexual' than the others. One member referred to herself as 'hyposexual'.

[LOLseph Stalin]

I'm also an asexual btw. I feel like we're slowly getting more recognition.

[Rugged Collectivist]

Thanks for doing this! A few questions.

Do people treat your asexuality like it isn't really a "thing"? What I mean is do people often say "oh she just doesn't like sex" where as if a man liked to have sex with other men he would be called gay instead of people saying "he likes to have sex with men". In other words, how do you feel about the fact that asexuality isn't widely understood, and that a lot people wouldn't even label your preference? Does this bother you because you don't feel like your sexual preference isn't getting the recognition that it deserves or does this make it easier for you to blend into heteronormative society?

I know that's a convoluted mess but I really couldn't think of a better way to word it:(

My next question is, what exactly causes your low libido? If it's a chemical imbalance, and there was medicine that could "correct" it, would you consider taking this medication?

[Ethics Gradient, Traitor For All Ages]

I've questioned whether I am asexual in the past. I've never had interest in sex in or out of relationships. I find my girlfriend really attractive but our sex is entirely for her. I definitely receive emotional pleasure from making her happy, but I also get that from giving her a foot rub (def if I'm stoned, what's that about) or surprising her with something special as well. It's a strange situation and has caused some tension for us in the past. Cool thread, thanks for making it.

[LOLseph Stalin]

I've questioned whether I am asexual in the past. I've never had interest in sex in or out of relationships. I find my girlfriend really attractive but our sex is entirely for her. I definitely receive emotional pleasure from making her happy, but I also get that from giving her a foot rub (def if I'm stoned, what's that about) or surprising her with something special as well. It's a strange situation and has caused some tension for us in the past. Cool thread, thanks for making it.

If that's the case then there's a good chance you are. Also, btw many asexuals do have sex even if it's just to please their partners so don't feel like you're alone on that one.

[∞]

Wassup?

[Vanguard1917]

I googled the disorder (Male Libeto Deficiency Disorder) referred to by the OP and nothing came up, but impotence and loss of libido in men is quite common and there are treatments available. You might of course be perfectly happy the way you are; if so, there's nothing wrong with that - just make the most of life in other areas, i guess. But to call a lack of interest in sex a 'sexual orientation' is a bit of stretch, i think. Seems like the further encroachment of identity politics to me.


I'm also an asexual btw. I feel like we're slowly getting more recognition.

What kind of recognition do you want, and why?

[∞]

Do you feel oppressed as an assexual? I can't find any way they might be but I dunno.

[The Intransigent Faction]

Are "antisexuals" asexual? That is, people who may or may not have some kind of sex drive but don't want it because they see it as just an annoying inconvenience (or I suppose alternatively because they're uptight Victorian-esque douchebags)? Or is it always just a biological thing in the same way as heterosexuality/homosexuality?

Also, maybe I didn't think this question through, but from what I've heard, asexuals can still have a sex drive/be capable of sexual arousal? So where exactly is the line between that and just a low sex drive?

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

Are "antisexuals" asexual? That is, people who may or may not have some kind of sex drive but don't want it because they see it as just an annoying inconvenience (or I suppose alternatively because they're uptight Victorian-esque douchebags)? Or is it always just a biological thing in the same way as heterosexuality/homosexuality?


No because they have a sex drive, that is they have a physical urge to have sex, whether they consciouslly want to or not.


Also, maybe I didn't think this question through, but from what I've heard, asexuals can still have a sex drive/be capable of sexual arousal? So where exactly is the line between that and just a low sex drive?


Erm, I think that's a stretch of the label. Don't get me wrong, asexuals can engage in sexual activity, I myself give some mighty fine oral sex, but that's because I can't get aroused enough to do anything else. Heck I barely get the "morning wood" anymore. Now this isn't to say that there needs to be a complete absence of sex drive, but that there is not enough of a sex drive for sex to be practically possible or desirable.