Pour Your Heart Out 16 (or XVI if you prefer)

[RedAnarchist]

Last one went way over 500 posts, so I've started a new one.

[Landsharks eat metal]

so fucking much dysphoria right now :(
my chest is gigantic and i wish i could just fix it myself
fucking ugly

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

I'm so down. :(

Fuck it, getting food. Starting a 28 day muscle, judo and food programme tomorrow. At least I can marry my unhappiness with last night of pigging out tonight. :lol:

[Quail]

Hangovers make me so anxious, ugh. OCD thoughts are really unpleasant today too. I hate how I can't do simple things like walk down the stairs without getting graphic images in my head of harming myself or other people.

[thriller]

so fucking much dysphoria right now :(
my chest is gigantic and i wish i could just fix it myself
fucking ugly

I can't begin to understand how that feels.

[Art Vandelay]

So I've been seriously considering hanging myself this morning. I still have to get the rope, but I may try and get an advance on my paycheck just to buy it, cause I'm broke. I've been sitting here crying and I don't know why. I just want it to end. I plan on calling the paramedics right before I do it, so my mom or step dad (let alone my little brother) have to find me. I've thought for so long on which way I want to go out and I've finally picked hanging. I've spent more energy picking the way I want to kill myself then I've ever spent on most shit in my life. Not sure if anyone in particular cares, but I feel like I've made some friends on here, so if I do go through with it tmro or sometime this week, I'll leave a goodbye message on revleft.

Given how nice people are on here, I know someone will try to talk me out of it, but there is no need, nothing anyone says on here could effect my decision.

[hetz]

Don't fucking do it man. If communists started hanging themselves then everything is lost. Storms are brewing and every single one of us will have a role, the struggle is drawing near. If you don't have anything else to life for then don't betray the revolution, and don't step back. Socialism or death, and if you get hanged by the enemy then you have died like a communist, but don't hang yourself.

[Landsharks eat metal]

So I've been seriously considering hanging myself this morning. I still have to get the rope, but I may try and get an advance on my paycheck just to buy it, cause I'm broke. I've been sitting here crying and I don't know why. I just want it to end. I plan on calling the paramedics right before I do it, so my mom or step dad (let alone my little brother) have to find me. I've thought for so long on which way I want to go out and I've finally picked hanging. I've spent more energy picking the way I want to kill myself then I've ever spent on most shit in my life. Not sure if anyone in particular cares, but I feel like I've made some friends on here, so if I do go through with it tmro or sometime this week, I'll leave a goodbye message on revleft.

Given how nice people are on here, I know someone will try to talk me out of it, but there is no need, nothing anyone says on here could effect my decision.

Fuck I wish I could do something.
I feel so helpless :crying:

[Hermes]

So I've been seriously considering hanging myself this morning. I still have to get the rope, but I may try and get an advance on my paycheck just to buy it, cause I'm broke. I've been sitting here crying and I don't know why. I just want it to end. I plan on calling the paramedics right before I do it, so my mom or step dad (let alone my little brother) have to find me. I've thought for so long on which way I want to go out and I've finally picked hanging. I've spent more energy picking the way I want to kill myself then I've ever spent on most shit in my life. Not sure if anyone in particular cares, but I feel like I've made some friends on here, so if I do go through with it tmro or sometime this week, I'll leave a goodbye message on revleft.

Given how nice people are on here, I know someone will try to talk me out of it, but there is no need, nothing anyone says on here could effect my decision.

Best of luck, whether you decide to do it or not.

I hope that, whatever decision you make, it's well thought out.

[ed miliband]

i can't say anything helpful but please, please don't do it. i don't know you, i don't know what you are going through, but please. :(:(:(

[Lobotomy]

So I've been seriously considering hanging myself this morning. I still have to get the rope, but I may try and get an advance on my paycheck just to buy it, cause I'm broke. I've been sitting here crying and I don't know why. I just want it to end. I plan on calling the paramedics right before I do it, so my mom or step dad (let alone my little brother) have to find me. I've thought for so long on which way I want to go out and I've finally picked hanging. I've spent more energy picking the way I want to kill myself then I've ever spent on most shit in my life. Not sure if anyone in particular cares, but I feel like I've made some friends on here, so if I do go through with it tmro or sometime this week, I'll leave a goodbye message on revleft.

Given how nice people are on here, I know someone will try to talk me out of it, but there is no need, nothing anyone says on here could effect my decision.

please don't kill yourself :(

[Lobotomy]

I've been thinking a lot lately about how society tends to have a very simplistic, black-and-white view of morality. I don't think most people really accept the fact that good people are capable of sometimes doing terrible things if they are in a bad situation, or temporarily have a fucked up mindset for one reason or another. it's like there's this certain group of actions that a person can commit, and if you do one of these things, even just once, you are obviously a person of bad moral character, and you'll only ever be a terrible person, and even if you try to remedy the situation and feel a great deal of remorse you're still a terrible person forever.

the reason I've been thinking this is because a little while ago, I did something pretty fucked up to a person that I actually care about a lot. It wasn't with malicious intent; it was just out of selfishness, and because I was going through a turbulent time and doing a lot of different reckless things that were out of character for me. But I'm not just coming up with excuses for what I did. in retrospect I think I've always thought that society was too judgmental of people's moral character; it just didn't hit so close to home until now. for example, in the last few years of their marriage, my mom cheated on my dad, and while she was cheating on him, she was telling me bad things about him to me behind his back. That is obviously a really fucking shitty thing to do, and it makes me angry when I think about it. But nevertheless, I eventually came to forgive her, because I know that she is overall a good person and a good mother. She only did that because she felt hopeless and trapped. she didn't want to divorce him because she didn't want to hurt me (I was still living with them at the time), and she couldn't improve the marriage because my dad had given up on it a long time ago. that doesn't justify her actions. But it would certainly be inaccurate to base her entire character on this one thing that she did, when that is not something that she normally would have done.

anyway, I didn't cheat on a partner or anything, but I did something that is more or less on the same moral level as what my mom did to my dad. and it's just been hard for me to come to terms with it, because before this I thought of myself as a generally good person, but now I feel all fucked up about it. and I'm trying to move past it, and I think I have objectively good reasons for trying to do so. But any time I try to console myself, there's this voice inside my head that says, "You don't deserve any amount of comfort. You are a selfish ***** for even trying to move past this. you deserve to feel like shit all the time and to wallow in your own guilt forever."

[Art Vandelay]

I've been thinking a lot lately about how society tends to have a very simplistic, black-and-white view of morality. I don't think most people really accept the fact that good people are capable of sometimes doing terrible things if they are in a bad situation, or temporarily have a fucked up mindset for one reason or another. it's like there's this certain group of actions that a person can commit, and if you do one of these things, even just once, you are obviously a person of bad moral character, and you'll only ever be a terrible person, and even if you try to remedy the situation and feel a great deal of remorse you're still a terrible person forever.

the reason I've been thinking this is because a little while ago, I did something pretty fucked up to a person that I actually care about a lot. It wasn't with malicious intent; it was just out of selfishness, and because I was going through a turbulent time and doing a lot of different reckless things that were out of character for me. But I'm not just coming up with excuses for what I did. in retrospect I think I've always thought that society was too judgmental of people's moral character; it just didn't hit so close to home until now. for example, in the last few years of their marriage, my mom cheated on my dad, and while she was cheating on him, she was telling me bad things about him to me behind his back. That is obviously a really fucking shitty thing to do, and it makes me angry when I think about it. But nevertheless, I eventually came to forgive her, because I know that she is overall a good person and a good mother. She only did that because she felt hopeless and trapped. she didn't want to divorce him because she didn't want to hurt me (I was still living with them at the time), and she couldn't improve the marriage because my dad had given up on it a long time ago. that doesn't justify her actions. But it would certainly be inaccurate to base her entire character on this one thing that she did, when that is not something that she normally would have done.

anyway, I didn't cheat on a partner or anything, but I did something that is more or less on the same moral level as what my mom did to my dad. and it's just been hard for me to come to terms with it, because before this I thought of myself as a generally good person, but now I feel all fucked up about it. and I'm trying to move past it, and I think I have objectively good reasons for trying to do so. But any time I try to console myself, there's this voice inside my head that says, "You don't deserve any amount of comfort. You are a selfish ***** for even trying to move past this. you deserve to feel like shit all the time and to wallow in your own guilt forever."

I know exactly how you feel, you kinda articulated something I've been feeling for a while now.

[Landsharks eat metal]

9mm- I don't want to make you feel guilty or anything, but I feel 100% culpable for you feeling the way you do. I feel like you wouldn’t have had those ideas except I articulated them in this thread. I have been thinking about you and worrying about you all day; I feel so awful about it I’m sick.

[Landsharks eat metal]

i'M A DUMBFUCK
there's absolutely no way for me to say that without it sounding like I'm trying to guilt trip you
but I have to say it somehow
because i'm scared if you do it I have to punish myself for letting it happen by drinking bleach or something

[Decolonize The Left]

I've been thinking a lot lately about how society tends to have a very simplistic, black-and-white view of morality. I don't think most people really accept the fact that good people are capable of sometimes doing terrible things if they are in a bad situation, or temporarily have a fucked up mindset for one reason or another. it's like there's this certain group of actions that a person can commit, and if you do one of these things, even just once, you are obviously a person of bad moral character, and you'll only ever be a terrible person, and even if you try to remedy the situation and feel a great deal of remorse you're still a terrible person forever.

the reason I've been thinking this is because a little while ago, I did something pretty fucked up to a person that I actually care about a lot. It wasn't with malicious intent; it was just out of selfishness, and because I was going through a turbulent time and doing a lot of different reckless things that were out of character for me. But I'm not just coming up with excuses for what I did. in retrospect I think I've always thought that society was too judgmental of people's moral character; it just didn't hit so close to home until now. for example, in the last few years of their marriage, my mom cheated on my dad, and while she was cheating on him, she was telling me bad things about him to me behind his back. That is obviously a really fucking shitty thing to do, and it makes me angry when I think about it. But nevertheless, I eventually came to forgive her, because I know that she is overall a good person and a good mother. She only did that because she felt hopeless and trapped. she didn't want to divorce him because she didn't want to hurt me (I was still living with them at the time), and she couldn't improve the marriage because my dad had given up on it a long time ago. that doesn't justify her actions. But it would certainly be inaccurate to base her entire character on this one thing that she did, when that is not something that she normally would have done.

anyway, I didn't cheat on a partner or anything, but I did something that is more or less on the same moral level as what my mom did to my dad. and it's just been hard for me to come to terms with it, because before this I thought of myself as a generally good person, but now I feel all fucked up about it. and I'm trying to move past it, and I think I have objectively good reasons for trying to do so. But any time I try to console myself, there's this voice inside my head that says, "You don't deserve any amount of comfort. You are a selfish ***** for even trying to move past this. you deserve to feel like shit all the time and to wallow in your own guilt forever."

On The Genealogy of Morals (http://records.viu.ca/~johnstoi/nietzsche/genealogytofc.htm) by Nietzsche addresses the relativity and historical development of morals, including the pivotal move from "Good and Bad" to "Good and Evil."

I'm sorry you fucked up, we all do, what matters is not really what you did but how you learned from it and became a better person. Remember that wallowing in your own guilt is a form of selfishness, it is, in effect, a continuation of what you did before in selfishness. So the best thing to do is accept what you've done, take complete responsibility for it, understand why you did it and what brought it about, and move forward with it behind you. This way, when it comes time to do it again, you will understand it and will be able to take the better path.

Good luck to you and don't get yourself down. We are all human and in our humanity is the beauty of imperfection.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

@Nine

Wtf, no, don't do anything silly now. :crying:

I can't marry a corpse, that's illegal.

[Quail]

I'm a stupid whore who deserved to get sexually assaulted. I don#t care what anyone wanted to say. I'm disgusting. Fuck it. Being queer and hating men deserves contempt.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I'm a stupid whore who deserved to get sexually assaulted. I don#t care what anyone wanted to say. I'm disgusting. Fuck it. Being queer and hating men deserves contempt.
That's just stupid to say, nobody deserves to get sexually assaulted.

[Quail]

Sorry, I just felt pretty bad yesterday. When people make rape jokes I get all weird and I have to drink. Apparently though rape jokes are so normal and so funny that I'm probably a weirdo for wanting to hurt myself every time someone makes one. Ugh. Sorry, I'm an ass.

[Lobotomy]

On The Genealogy of Morals (http://records.viu.ca/~johnstoi/nietzsche/genealogytofc.htm) by Nietzsche addresses the relativity and historical development of morals, including the pivotal move from "Good and Bad" to "Good and Evil."

I'm sorry you fucked up, we all do, what matters is not really what you did but how you learned from it and became a better person. Remember that wallowing in your own guilt is a form of selfishness, it is, in effect, a continuation of what you did before in selfishness. So the best thing to do is accept what you've done, take complete responsibility for it, understand why you did it and what brought it about, and move forward with it behind you. This way, when it comes time to do it again, you will understand it and will be able to take the better path.

Good luck to you and don't get yourself down. We are all human and in our humanity is the beauty of imperfection.

Thank you so much for your kind words and your perspective. I ended up telling this person what I did (because they were unaware of it before). I couldn't relax until I told them. I was kind of expecting them to freak out and cut me out of their life entirely (because I would have deserved it), but they actually took it pretty well, and I think they were glad that I was upfront. they might have issues trusting me in the future but I'm willing to work with them on it and I am just glad that I atoned and that they didn't have a completely terrible reaction to it.

[Quail]

Nobody ever replies to my posts on this website. Maybe I just post bullshit. Sorry guys. I suck. I still feel drunk and I may not be here later if I do something stupid, so hope you're all doing better than me.

[Narcissus]

So I've been seriously considering hanging myself this morning. I still have to get the rope, but I may try and get an advance on my paycheck just to buy it, cause I'm broke. I've been sitting here crying and I don't know why. I just want it to end. I plan on calling the paramedics right before I do it, so my mom or step dad (let alone my little brother) have to find me. I've thought for so long on which way I want to go out and I've finally picked hanging. I've spent more energy picking the way I want to kill myself then I've ever spent on most shit in my life. Not sure if anyone in particular cares, but I feel like I've made some friends on here, so if I do go through with it tmro or sometime this week, I'll leave a goodbye message on revleft.

Given how nice people are on here, I know someone will try to talk me out of it, but there is no need, nothing anyone says on here could effect my decision.

Hey. I believe that everyone has the right to end their life, and I'm sure you have thought this through more thoroughly than anyone can imagine. I'm not going to tell you not to do it, you don't owe anything to anyone, and it's not selfish.

Don't let this world beat you. I'm sure you are proud of yourself. You are here so you must have a social conscience, you see the truth and it hurts. You are one of the humans in world of bodies, and there aren't that many left. We WILL bring back the humanity, and it's beautiful in a tragic way that a poet like you would understand, that it hurts you so much. But don't let it crush you.

Have pride in yourself. Have pride in the goal. Have pride in the people who struggle as you do. Die in the battle, not at home. You will have your peace once the people have theirs. Can you imagine the pleasure of dying happy, with the knowledge that far fewer will suffer as you have?

I can see that the world has weighed heavy on you, as it did me, and an immeasurable number of others. But as you reach the edge, when you have been condensed into a tiny singularity, do not swallow yourself. Explode with anger and pain, and paint a black universe red.

[Art Vandelay]

9mm- I don't want to make you feel guilty or anything, but I feel 100% culpable for you feeling the way you do. I feel like you wouldn’t have had those ideas except I articulated them in this thread. I have been thinking about you and worrying about you all day; I feel so awful about it I’m sick.

Don't be silly LEM! Suicide is honestly something has not left my mind for I don't even know how long. Trust me when I say that nothing you've ever said made me closer to it, if anything it's the opposite. But really, as much as its nice to know people care, don't worry about me. :)

I'm still here. Ending up blowing all my money on drugs, so I didn't buy any rope. I won't deny it's still on my mind and I still want to end things so fucking bad, but I'm here for the forseeable future I guess, seeing as how I can't even afford rope. I don't know if I'm going to do it or not, in many ways I feel like I'm too much of a coward to ever try.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Don't be silly LEM! Suicide is honestly something has not left my mind for I don't even know how long. Trust me when I say that nothing you've ever said made me closer to it, if anything it's the opposite. But really, as much as its nice to know people care, don't worry about me. :)

I'm still here. Ending up blowing all my money on drugs, so I didn't buy any rope. I won't deny it's still on my mind and I still want to end things so fucking bad, but I'm here for the forseeable future I guess, seeing as how I can't even afford rope. I don't know if I'm going to do it or not, in many ways I feel like I'm too much of a coward to ever try.
Believe me, it has nothing to do with cowardice, I know, no matter how many times I've told myself that. Staying on and living, even when it hurts, even in the face of an uncertain future is the ultimate strength. I just wish I could always make myself remember that.

[Art Vandelay]

Nobody ever replies to my posts on this website. Maybe I just post bullshit. Sorry guys. I suck. I still feel drunk and I may not be here later if I do something stupid, so hope you're all doing better than me.

I respond to your posts Quail. You don't suck and are all honesty are one of the few moderators that I like. Although a few of the posters I like have become mods lately, so I guess that list has grown. When it comes to drinking, I feel your one of the only posters that has ever articulated how I feel about it; as much as I wish you didn't have the same issue with it that I do. We'd all miss you Quail.

[Art Vandelay]

Believe me, it has nothing to do with cowardice, I know, no matter how many times I've told myself that. Staying on and living, even when it hurts, even in the face of an uncertain future is the ultimate strength. I just wish I could always make myself remember that.

Deep down I know what you're saying is true. It's just hard to keep going and I know you know what it's like. I just feel like I'll never get my shit together. I spend pretty much every waking moment thinking about death and I just wish that I had never gained consciousness to begin with.

To everyone in this thread who responded to me: Thanks for all the kind words; they've made my day a little less bleak.

[Decolonize The Left]

Nobody ever replies to my posts on this website. Maybe I just post bullshit. Sorry guys. I suck. I still feel drunk and I may not be here later if I do something stupid, so hope you're all doing better than me.

I didn't read past Lombotomy's post earlier when I replied, so I apologize if you felt like I was ignoring you. I don't believe anyone here is ignoring you.

Now I don't know what's happened, or what's happening really, but I can surmise a fair amount from your posts in this thread. What I do believe is happening is that you are coping with large amounts of trauma through drinking and when you do this you both lash back at yourself and lash out at others for help. In regards to the latter, although most of us have never met here I have seen many a terrible situation pass and many a damaged individual emerge stronger through this thread. Not necessarily the words spoken here, but this is the looking glass through which many a struggle has passed not unnoticed.

Your struggle is noticed. I do not know the exact details but I'm sure it's a struggle shared by many people, both on this forum and not. As for the struggle to retain one's will to live, this is a struggle which I am familiar with.

There is no struggle to 'live', per se, as this struggle is merely the struggle to will in itself. For, as I see it, life is nothing more than the continued willing of one event, one action, or another.
To will another day, to will a moment of peace, to will going to work, to will going to find a friend, to will sitting down when you want to run, to will writing or painting or dancing when you see only sorrow. This struggle to will is the struggle to stay and fight when you are at war, always. This fight will take many forms and there is no true victor in the end - but what is found there is most important. What is found in all this is our humanity - is our lives - is our beauty and our fate.

And to will another day not because it's your job, or someone told you to, or you figure you owe it to someone, but because it is nothing more than an opportunity to will again! And to do so stronger! And in doing to so fight harder. If not to do this - then what? There is no ultimate answer to the human questions of 'why' or 'who' and there is no ultimate justice for the wrongs which have been perpetrated against us and every other person. There is no salvation.
But there is exactly what there needs to be. And that is you - alive - and fighting for yourself and for all of us in spite of this tragedy not because you will gain anything, you may lose everything, but because you have no other choice than to be true to yourself.

You are what needs to be - be true to that necessity and forgo the terror of the shadows which surround us all.

[human strike]

Nobody ever replies to my posts on this website. Maybe I just post bullshit. Sorry guys. I suck. I still feel drunk and I may not be here later if I do something stupid, so hope you're all doing better than me.

I don't know if you were referring to the whole forum or just this thread and I may not respond very often, but I always pay attention to your posts, Quail. :)

[Let's Get Free]

My life is so damn routine, everyday is a replica of the last- school, work, rev left, tv, bed.

[The Cheshire Cat]

What is with all the suicide hints lately? It is really saddening to read, and I hope it is just winter depression and that you guys don't really mean it :(

[Art Vandelay]

What is with all the suicide hints lately? It is really saddening to read, and I hope it is just winter depression and that you guys don't really mean it :(

Suicides being more likely during the winter months is actually a common misconception. I'm fairly certain we all mean it, but I hope none of us go through with it. I hope quail posts soon so we can know she's alright.

[Rugged Collectivist]

Nobody ever replies to my posts on this website. Maybe I just post bullshit. Sorry guys. I suck. I still feel drunk and I may not be here later if I do something stupid, so hope you're all doing better than me.

I think people just agree with you a lot so there's no need to respond. Look at how many thanks you get.

[Quail]

Got pretty upset last night and couldn't stop crying. I've been crying loads today too. I had been planning to harm myself today, a careful plan so that my son would be okay, but I wanted to do some damage. I spoke to someone and texted my partner and I decided against doing anything. I feel quite destructive at the moment. I'm going to attempt to quit drinking for the time being because I'm finding things really hard as it is and it's making things way worse. I'm just becoming more unhinged it seems. I just don't know how to deal with anything and I don't want to feel this bad forever because it's horrible.

[Decolonize The Left]

Got pretty upset last night and couldn't stop crying. I've been crying loads today too. I had been planning to harm myself today, a careful plan so that my son would be okay, but I wanted to do some damage. I spoke to someone and texted my partner and I decided against doing anything. I feel quite destructive at the moment. I'm going to attempt to quit drinking for the time being because I'm finding things really hard as it is and it's making things way worse. I'm just becoming more unhinged it seems. I just don't know how to deal with anything and I don't want to feel this bad forever because it's horrible.

Laying off the drink is probably a wise decision. What are you unhinged from, exactly? And why do you feel the need to hurt yourself, or, what will that accomplish that seems appealing to you?

[Yuppie Grinder]

i remember this one time lil b tweeted "what if all we poor and working class people could be rich? think about it #revolution" and i almost cried

[Landsharks eat metal]

Today I decided I'm going to try to stop cutting myself. :)
For real this time. Not a half-assed, "well I know I'm going to fail so it doesn't actually matter" type thing. My goal right now is to go more than a month, which is the most i could do last time, but if I could just plain stop right now that would be even better. I'm going to take both pairs of scissors out of my room. Even if I know where they are, I'll have to see if just putting them somewhere less convenient will help. And I used to study Dutch every night before I went to bed, but I stopped for some reason, and now right before bed is when I usually cut myself, so I'm going to try to start doing the Dutch thing again.

Plus I finally got my psychiatrist to listen to me about how my meds don't work too well, so he's going to try putting me on buspirone for my anxiety. Don't know if it will work, but at least we're doing something. He didn't even bug me about Jesus today, which is why I sort of felt bad lying to him about cutting. He thinks it's been 6 months since I last did, but it's actually been 1 day... but hopefully tomorrow that will be 2 days, and so on. I just have to make sure I don't try to replace it with something else harmful.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Saw my ex-girlfriend post something on Facebook today, made me all depressed. She rarely gets on since she doesn't have access to Internet at her house but she shared a photo that said you know you found true love when you can just shut up and enjoy the silence with them. Corny shit from pulp fiction I think but it reminded me that we had that and she decided to throw it all away because she found out I read Marx. That was over a year ago and I'll go long periods without thinking of her at all and then suddenly I have a really good dream where we're back together, where everything is good. Then I wake up to reality...I just want to forget.

I don't know why I even still have her as a friend, I contemplated removing her as a friend when I saw that today but can't bring myself to do it.

[Art Vandelay]

Today I decided I'm going to try to stop cutting myself. :)
For real this time. Not a half-assed, "well I know I'm going to fail so it doesn't actually matter" type thing. My goal right now is to go more than a month, which is the most i could do last time, but if I could just plain stop right now that would be even better. I'm going to take both pairs of scissors out of my room. Even if I know where they are, I'll have to see if just putting them somewhere less convenient will help. And I used to study Dutch every night before I went to bed, but I stopped for some reason, and now right before bed is when I usually cut myself, so I'm going to try to start doing the Dutch thing again.

Plus I finally got my psychiatrist to listen to me about how my meds don't work too well, so he's going to try putting me on buspirone for my anxiety. Don't know if it will work, but at least we're doing something. He didn't even bug me about Jesus today, which is why I sort of felt bad lying to him about cutting. He thinks it's been 6 months since I last did, but it's actually been 1 day... but hopefully tomorrow that will be 2 days, and so on. I just have to make sure I don't try to replace it with something else harmful.

Good for you LEM :) While I'm not exactly sure how long its been for me, I'm thinking its probably been around a month and a half since the last time I cut. I always used razor blades and I'd sit and make cuts up and down my left thigh, cause I was always so ashamed and wanted to keep it to a place I could hide. It was easy to stop at first, but I've had some urges to cut the last couple days. You should PM, if you ever feel the urge and I could probably help to rationalize some of those irrational thoughts that makes one cut in the first place.

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The one time I came really close to committing suicide was probably a couple months ago. I was racking my brains trying to figure out how I was going to do it. At first I decided that I was going to drive out to the highway and just step in front of an oncoming vehicle in the middle of the night. But then I got to thinking and realized the trauma that action could potentially cause the driver and the passengers in the car, plus the actual physical damage to the vehicle itself. So then I decided I was going to go climb up one of those huge poles and jump off of it. I've always been scared of heights but I was dead set on doing it, I just wanted to get drunk and high one more time. My friend who has also gone through her share of mental health issues ended up talking me out of it. I ended up driving (intoxicated) out to the highway where this pole was and pulled over. I just sat in my truck crying cause I thought these were going to be the last moments in my life. I ended up calling my friend to say goodbye and to thank her for all the effort she had put in to trying to help me and all the times she just listened; that's when she talked me out of it and I just drove home.

Now every night when I got out on my back porch to have a cigarette that pole is out in the distance with its blinking lights. It's as if it tempts me by calling out to me every single night. I'm scared one of these days I'll do it, or something else. I'm really trying to be strong and not let this mental illness win, but it's so fucking hard. Unless I'm engaging in escapism the only thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis are (1) how much I hate myself (2) shitty or embarrassing things I've done in the past, thus reinforcing #1 or (3) kill yourself. It's like they pop into my head and it's beyond my control. Its fucking scary when you can't even trust your own thoughts. If you can't trust yourself then who can you trust, since my judgement is fucked and the people I surround myself and confide in are simply chosen due to my bad judgement. It's like I'm trapped inside my head and its just torturing me, you know? Actually I hope no one knows what I'm talking about, cause then it would mean no one else has ever had to experience it.

[nativeabuse]

What is with all the suicide hints lately? It is really saddening to read, and I hope it is just winter depression and that you guys don't really mean it :(

This. I'm new here and I was honestly really shocked at how much of this there was, I just don't understand why there are so many depressed people here. I'm deeply concerned for you all.

[Art Vandelay]

This. I'm new here and I was honestly really shocked at how much of this there was, I just don't understand why there are so many depressed people here. I'm deeply concerned for you all.

Mental health issues are something which still today carry a lot of stigma. I'm sure that even without knowing it, you know someone who feels the way others have in this thread.

Also don't judge all of revleft from this thread, this is a place many of us turn to vent our feelings and is in no way representative of the entire of the board, let alone those with revolutionary leftists politics. There are many well adjusted and mentally stable people on the forum.

[Decolonize The Left]

This. I'm new here and I was honestly really shocked at how much of this there was, I just don't understand why there are so many depressed people here. I'm deeply concerned for you all.

Depression and mental health issues are everywhere - usually in places you least expect it. I'm just glad that folks here have an outlet for their concerns and know that other folks will listen to them.

[Decolonize The Left]

Good for you LEM :) While I'm not exactly sure how long its been for me, I'm thinking its probably been around a month and a half since the last time I cut. I always used razor blades and I'd sit and make cuts up and down my left thigh, cause I was always so ashamed and wanted to keep it to a place I could hide. It was easy to stop at first, but I've had some urges to cut the last couple days. You should PM, if you ever feel the urge and I could probably help to rationalize some of those irrational thoughts that makes one cut in the first place.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The one time I came really close to committing suicide was probably a couple months ago. I was racking my brains trying to figure out how I was going to do it. At first I decided that I was going to drive out to the highway and just step in front of an oncoming vehicle in the middle of the night. But then I got to thinking and realized the trauma that action could potentially cause the driver and the passengers in the car, plus the actual physical damage to the vehicle itself. So then I decided I was going to go climb up one of those huge poles and jump off of it. I've always been scared of heights but I was dead set on doing it, I just wanted to get drunk and high one more time. My friend who has also gone through her share of mental health issues ended up talking me out of it. I ended up driving (intoxicated) out to the highway where this pole was and pulled over. I just sat in my truck crying cause I thought these were going to be the last moments in my life. I ended up calling my friend to say goodbye and to thank her for all the effort she had put in to trying to help me and all the times she just listened; that's when she talked me out of it and I just drove home.

Now every night when I got out on my back porch to have a cigarette that pole is out in the distance with its blinking lights. It's as if it tempts me by calling out to me every single night. I'm scared one of these days I'll do it, or something else. I'm really trying to be strong and not let this mental illness win, but it's so fucking hard. Unless I'm engaging in escapism the only thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis are (1) how much I hate myself (2) shitty or embarrassing things I've done in the past, thus reinforcing #1 or (3) kill yourself. It's like they pop into my head and it's beyond my control. Its fucking scary when you can't even trust your own thoughts. If you can't trust yourself then who can you trust, since my judgement is fucked and the people I surround myself and confide in are simply chosen due to my bad judgement. It's like I'm trapped inside my head and its just torturing me, you know? Actually I hope no one knows what I'm talking about, cause then it would mean no one else has ever had to experience it.

Have you tried turning that post into a blinking beacon of positive emotion. Think about it: you drove all the way out there intent on ending your life but you managed the courage to not only leave that place but also continue on day to day.

In effect, that post is a constant reminder of your strength in overcoming a feeling which you thought would be your last.

[nativeabuse]

Mental health issues are something which still today carry a lot of stigma. I'm sure that even without knowing it, you know someone who feels the way others have in this thread.


I don't know what you meant by 'without even knowing it' or the rest of that, I have been living with someone in LEM's exact situation for several years, I have to help him cope with it constantly. I don't know what I said that made me sound like I don't know what it's like to deal with this sort of stuff.

I just didn't expect to see it on this site is all.

[Art Vandelay]

I don't know what you meant by 'without even knowing it' or the rest of that, I have been living with someone in LEM's exact situation for several years, I have to help him cope with it constantly. I don't know what I said that made me sound like I don't know what it's like to deal with this sort of stuff.

I just didn't expect to see it on this site is all.

My bad, I simply misunderstood what you meant.

[Landsharks eat metal]

So many invasive horrible thoughts right now. i'm so fucking tired of people treating me like shit...
i want to do something terrible

i've also been really paranoid and terrified of everyone lately. I'm scared to go into the cafeteria for lunch because there's so fucking many people there and nowhere to hide.

[Decolonize The Left]

So many invasive horrible thoughts right now. i'm so fucking tired of people treating me like shit...
i want to do something terrible

i've also been really paranoid and terrified of everyone lately. I'm scared to go into the cafeteria for lunch because there's so fucking many people there and nowhere to hide.

Pick a spot by a window. That's what I would do. Then you can stare out and put your fears at rest by watching the trees, or the folks unloading crates, or the sky, or whatever. You could also bring a book and try to read - but you gotta eat.

[Art Vandelay]

There is a good chance I'll be getting a puppy :) I'm so excited. I feel like with everything I've bee going through mental health wise, a companion would be nice. It would give me something to live for and I wouldn't ever be able to end my life knowing that I'd be leaving behind my dog.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Pick a spot by a window. That's what I would do. Then you can stare out and put your fears at rest by watching the trees, or the folks unloading crates, or the sky, or whatever. You could also bring a book and try to read - but you gotta eat.

There's actually no windows there, which makes me feel even more trapped.
But it went okay, at least for today. I was actually able to relax enough that I wasn't just constantly looking back and forth scanning the room for danger (which I know isn't actually there, but it doesn't stop me from being afraid.)


There is a good chance I'll be getting a puppy :) I'm so excited. I feel like with everything I've bee going through mental health wise, a companion would be nice. It would give me something to live for and I wouldn't ever be able to end my life knowing that I'd be leaving behind my dog.
I think that's a great idea :)
What kind do you want?

[Art Vandelay]

I think that's a great idea :)
What kind do you want?

There are some dashound's for sale in my town which I could afford, however given that there so young, they're not house trained (which will make it harder to convince my parents, cause I'm still living at home). If that falls through I'll probably just go down to the animal shelter and pick one out. I don't really care what kind, I just want one that's my own.

[Landsharks eat metal]

There are some dashound's for sale in my town which I could afford, however given that there so young, they're not house trained (which will make it harder to convince my parents, cause I'm still living at home). If that falls through I'll probably just go down to the animal shelter and pick one out. I don't really care what kind, I just want one that's my own.
I WANT A DACHSHUND SO FUCKING BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D I'd name her Chili.

[sorry about mini-derailing]

[Art Vandelay]

I WANT A DACHSHUND SO FUCKING BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D I'd name her Chili.

[sorry about mini-derailing]

Haha dachshund's are pretty cute. I'm kinda hoping I get the puppy so I could have it almost from birth, however there is a 1 year old rescue dachshund at the animal shelter who I met get too. I can't remember the last time I've been this excited.

[Quail]

Laying off the drink is probably a wise decision. What are you unhinged from, exactly? And why do you feel the need to hurt yourself, or, what will that accomplish that seems appealing to you?
I just feel as though I'm really unable to keep a lid on my emotions at the moment. Little things can really get to me or make me angry and I know that I'm over-reacting and being irrational but I can't stop the reaction. I think I'm coping with things less and less well as time goes on. In the past hurting myself has always kind of snapped me out of feeling bad for a while, put things in perspective. There's nothing like downing a box of pills to make you realise that maybe you don't actually want to die, you're just lost and you want to get better. I don't know. Does that make sense?

[Landsharks eat metal]

I've been terrified of practically everything the past few days, but I have to pretend to be okay. I think my heart is racing and every time someone on TV yells, I want to hide under a blanket. Last night I was trying to watch TV but it was hard to see through a hole in the blanket without letting any of my body be visible, even though no one was even in the same room with me, and the people on the show weren't even particularly angry.

Last night I had another one of those dreams where I feel guilty about what happened even after I wake up. I was staying in a house with a bunch of strangers who were feuding, but then they started taking everything out on this 8 year old girl. I went into her room and calmed her down and was just in general protecting her, but then, I walked away for about 2 minutes (I think I was messing with my cell phone). In that time, they killed her, chopped her up and put her into a sandwich. I couldn't prove they'd done that, but I couldn't find her anywhere and there was a really weird sandwich on the table they freaked out when I touched.'
awful

[The Cheshire Cat]

I've been terrified of practically everything the past few days, but I have to pretend to be okay. I think my heart is racing and every time someone on TV yells, I want to hide under a blanket. Last night I was trying to watch TV but it was hard to see through a hole in the blanket without letting any of my body be visible, even though no one was even in the same room with me, and the people on the show weren't even particularly angry.

Last night I had another one of those dreams where I feel guilty about what happened even after I wake up. I was staying in a house with a bunch of strangers who were feuding, but then they started taking everything out on this 8 year old girl. I went into her room and calmed her down and was just in general protecting her, but then, I walked away for about 2 minutes (I think I was messing with my cell phone). In that time, they killed her, chopped her up and put her into a sandwich. I couldn't prove they'd done that, but I couldn't find her anywhere and there was a really weird sandwich on the table they freaked out when I touched.'
awful

I recently had a dream that made me feel really guilty too. It was weird and I never experienced such a thing before. In my dream, I was just laying in my bed, when I suddenly heard a huge explosion. Without looking outside my window, I saw my old school burning, and I heard children and women screaming from pain. I knew people were dieing inside, and just when I thought: 'I should help them!', there was this sound. It sounded like a train or big truck that was heading exactly my way at a very high speed, and I froze. I sat down in a corner of my room, and I curled up and tried to hide my face between my knees. Meanwhile, the sound was getting louder and louder, and it hurt my ears. I couldn't barely hear the screaming of the children anymore, but I still heard it. And I saw the light of the flames reflecting in my room. I knew I should have gotten up and run to my school, but that awful sound kept me pinned in the corner and I just wanted to cry and vanish.

Then I woke up and I still felt guilty for not trieing to save the children. But it is ridiculous to feel guilty about a dream ofcourse. Dreams are the result of your mind processing what you experienced that day, they do not in anyway define you character, merely what you saw that day and how you experienced it. And people rarely are able to control yourself in dreams. Mostly you just go with the flow of your dream. Yet we all know how terrifying dreams can be, and how real they can feel. Luckily they can be really funny too.

[Landsharks eat metal]

fuck i just want to cut to calm myself down, but I can't let myself
or maybe i can
for some reason i picked up a rusty piece of metal i found that reminded me of what I used to try to slit my wrists last March
maybe to remind me of what a dumbfuck i actually am
to tempt myself so i can prove i'm actually weak and worthless
it's probably easier to cut with than scissors

[Art Vandelay]

fuck i just want to cut to calm myself down, but I can't let myself
or maybe i can
for some reason i picked up a rusty piece of metal i found that reminded me of what I used to try to slit my wrists last March
maybe to remind me of what a dumbfuck i actually am
to tempt myself so i can prove i'm actually weak and worthless
it's probably easier to cut with than scissors

Don't do it LEM! :crying: You don't deserve that!

[Landsharks eat metal]

Don't do it LEM! :crying:

i'm just so fucking terrified i don't know what to do. and I'm totally alone

[Art Vandelay]

i'm just so fucking terrified i don't know what to do. and I'm totally alone

I'm here if you need to talk, we could even chat on facebook. We both know that cutting isn't going to solve anything and is irrational. You're going to regret it if you do. You can go at least a month, you can beat your record. You just have to go one day at a time. It will take winning all these little battles to get to where you want to be.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm here if you need to talk, we could even chat on facebook. We both know that cutting isn't going to solve anything and is irrational. You're going to regret it if you do. You can go at least a month, you can beat your record. You just have to go one day at a time. It will take winning all these little battles to get to where you want to be.
Well, sometimes it does take the edge off my anxiety, but...

I was thinking of trying to talk to someone but I'm tired of feeling like a burden and that i bore the shit out ofpeople

[Art Vandelay]

Well, sometimes it does take the edge off my anxiety, but...

I was thinking of trying to talk to someone but I'm tired of feeling like a burden and that i bore the shit out ofpeople

Yeah I know it helps to temporarily make you feel better, but after a while you're just going to beat yourself up for giving in. You're never a burden to me LEM and I don't feel like anyone here thinks of you that way. We all have moments where we need someone to talk to and lean on. I had to rant the other day and the out pouring of people who responded really helped to make me feel a bit better and change my mind about what I was planning on doing. That's what were all here for, were comrades, we help each other out.

[Landsharks eat metal]

i want to make it even. i have about 10 cuts on the left side of my chest and only 1 on the right.
that's a really stupid reason

[Art Vandelay]

i want to make it even. i have about 10 cuts on the left side of my chest and only 1 on the right.
that's a really stupid reason

It is a stupid reason you're right. Can you think of any of the reasons why you wanted to stop the other day?

[Landsharks eat metal]

It is a stupid reason you're right. Can you think of any of the reasons why you wanted to stop the other day?

The biggest reason is just so I can stop lying about it... which isn't a very good reason either

[Art Vandelay]

The biggest reason is just so I can stop lying about it... which isn't a very good reason either

Well I know how tough it is and I'm really not the one to give the best advice since I've cut too before. But I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say we want our mental health to get better, to do that we need to stop our destructive habits. For you it seems to be predominantly cutting and for me its mostly my drinking. I know how hard it is, I still haven't got my drinking under control which makes me feel like a hypocrite. But you deserve to be happy LEM, you really do and I hope you take active steps to become happy. The first one should be to stop cutting. The first one for me is to control my drinking.

[Art Vandelay]

I'm a loser.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Don't get down on yourself so much, broseph

[Landsharks eat metal]

I wish I knew how to do anything without making someone mad because I can't really function when anyone is angry at me. I'm too busy trying not to cry or hide under a table or trying to stop thinking that the fact that everyone always seems to be angry at me means that I should just kill myself. I'm scared to go to school every day because what if today's the day someone says something so horrible to me that I just try to kill myself by drinking random chemicals in the middle of the lab. It's just getting worse every day but I can't tell anyone IRL and I can't cut to calm myself down anymore so i don't know what the hell to do because I'm so scared of everything.

[Art Vandelay]

I wish I knew how to do anything without making someone mad because I can't really function when anyone is angry at me. I'm too busy trying not to cry or hide under a table or trying to stop thinking that the fact that everyone always seems to be angry at me means that I should just kill myself. I'm scared to go to school every day because what if today's the day someone says something so horrible to me that I just try to kill myself by drinking random chemicals in the middle of the lab. It's just getting worse every day but I can't tell anyone IRL and I can't cut to calm myself down anymore so i don't know what the hell to do because I'm so scared of everything.

You can't let those irrational thoughts get to you LEM. I know them too, I've become so paranoid that everyone around me (including what little friends I have) hate me and are always talking behind my back or something. When I'm out in a social setting my social anxiety gets so bad, that I usually just can't take it. However upon reflection, I realize if anything, this idea that everyone is talking about me is so self centered; I'm really not that interesting. On top of that, these people really haven't given me any reason to suspect them of not liking me, besides these little things which I blow out of proportion and construe to fit in with my pre-conceived notion of everyone disliking me. Is this similar to what you feel at all?

Also you should find something that always puts you in a good mood, to help take the edge off of the anxiety. Maybe go take a look through your posts in the 'something small which always puts you in a good mood' thread and pick something out. I know Quail has said that she always watches star trek and me personally whenever I'm having a really bad day I sit on the couch and watch some 'its always sunny in philadelphia' despite the fact that I only have the 1&2 seasons and I've seen all the episodes numerous times.

[Lowtech]

It's just getting worse every day but I can't tell anyone IRLI've felt similiar, and to the this day many times it is still too hard to cope. I'm glad you can at least tell us, as a human being you are important enough for others to at least listen.

don't try to reason yourself out of pain. It doesn't work. it is a daily struggle. watch something that shows someone else in great (emotional) pain (coping with something extremly truamatizing), I found that it helps a little, strangely. Also, identify with people that you know that have had similiar pain in thier life, comfort them.

I was with someone a very long time who got angry very easily, every day, at the slightest thing, for a long time I could not handle someone upset with me, or accusing me of being or implying I am a liar.

Remember that you can never create an accurate definition of yourself because you are never the same as you were yesterday and we always change, you are undefinable and better than you may be capable of recognizing now.

Be thankful of everything, eventhough nothing helps

For months nothing made me happy, everything was bland, even food, I should have saught help, not doing so was my worst mistake. it was only by chance I was able to hold together long enough to improve. I still have a long way to go though.

[Art Vandelay]

I'd also recommend watching the movie 'its kinda a funny story' its a comedy that deals with mental illness in a good way. I watched it the other night and remember feeling a bit better afterwards.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'd also recommend watching the movie 'its kinda a funny story' its a comedy that deals with mental illness in a good way. I watched it the other night and remember feeling a bit better afterwards.
Unless that's just going to overwhelm me with bad memories of my week in the psych ward. I can never tell how things like that are going to affect me.

[Art Vandelay]

Unless that's just going to overwhelm me with bad memories of my week in the psych ward. I can never tell how things like that are going to affect me.

That is true. I guess I don't know exactly how it would affect you. But yeah I guess it could very well bring back some bad memories, I just found it had an uplifting message.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Found out someone else I knew in high school died of a heroin overdose recently



This makes three

[Art Vandelay]

Found out someone else I knew in high school died of a heroin overdose recently



This makes three

I'm sorry to hear that man.

[thriller]

I wish I knew how to do anything without making someone mad because I can't really function when anyone is angry at me. I'm too busy trying not to cry or hide under a table or trying to stop thinking that the fact that everyone always seems to be angry at me means that I should just kill myself. I'm scared to go to school every day because what if today's the day someone says something so horrible to me that I just try to kill myself by drinking random chemicals in the middle of the lab. It's just getting worse every day but I can't tell anyone IRL and I can't cut to calm myself down anymore so i don't know what the hell to do because I'm so scared of everything.

Sorry to hear that LEM. But you know I just thought of something that might make you feel much more important to this world. If you do think you are making people angry at you and people get mad often, that means you make an impact on them. That means your views and opinions are important to them. Which also means they take you seriously and believe what you say has value. Sure they may be angry (although I highly doubt they are [they are prolly either assholes or don't know how to handle regular conflict or discussion]) but that can ONLY mean that they value your opinion. Or else they wouldn't give a flying fuck. No matter how you look at it, you matter to other people :) I hope the refrain from cuttings keeps up. And if it doesn't, don't be hard on yourself, everyone slips up or relapses or whatever you want to call it.

@PC LOAD LETTER
Sorry. Unfortunately it is not an uncommon thing around my area as well.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Day 1 v2.0
yeah, I fucked up. Of course. But it was pretty much either that or what I've been considering lately, a personal case study on the effect ingesting large amounts of bleach has on the human body...

Still, I don't know how it's possible to be as terrible at cutting as I am. Used a combination of filthy rusty metal thing I found in a parking lot, plus fingernail scissors plus normal scissors and have not much to show for it. Struggling to avoid feeling like a failure.

[Art Vandelay]

Day 1 v2.0
yeah, I fucked up. Of course. But it was pretty much either that or what I've been considering lately, a personal case study on the effect ingesting large amounts of bleach has on the human body...

Still, I don't know how it's possible to be as terrible at cutting as I am. Used a combination of filthy rusty metal thing I found in a parking lot, plus fingernail scissors plus normal scissors and have not much to show for it. Struggling to avoid feeling like a failure.

No worries LEM, we all have our set backs. I've been on a bit of a bender lately and randomly got a late xmas gift in the mail (cash) from my grandma as well as a gst check or something, so this bender currently has no end in sight. I'll probably end up blowing it on scotch and cocaine.

Also I hate to try and give you a way of better cutting yourself, but don't use anything rusty. I'm just worried you'll get an infection or something from rusty metal. In all honesty I feel the same way about my cutting and think its something alot of cutters feel. Its a vicious cycle; you cut because you hate yourself and then you feel as if you're not cutting deep enough, which just turns into another thing you've failed at, thus reinforcing your self loathing.

Please don't ever ingest bleach. :(

[Art Vandelay]

Feeling hopelessly suicidal today. I'm scared that one of these days I'm going to do it.

[thriller]

Day 1 v2.0
yeah, I fucked up. Of course. But it was pretty much either that or what I've been considering lately, a personal case study on the effect ingesting large amounts of bleach has on the human body...

Still, I don't know how it's possible to be as terrible at cutting as I am. Used a combination of filthy rusty metal thing I found in a parking lot, plus fingernail scissors plus normal scissors and have not much to show for it. Struggling to avoid feeling like a failure.

Thank you for choosing option A as compared to option B. I would be greatly saddened if I saw no more post by you.

[thriller]

Feeling hopelessly suicidal today. I'm scared that one of these days I'm going to do it.

I sure hope you don't. That story of the light pole really moved me. I've shared it with others. Your triumph over this in the past has shown others how to keep on going.

[The Cheshire Cat]

Feeling hopelessly suicidal today. I'm scared that one of these days I'm going to do it.

Maybe it is a weird or personal question, and ofcourse you needn't answer, but I was wondering: do you long for death, or are you losing the will to life? I had the second one when I was younger. I did not have a reason to feel depressed or sometimes even suicidal, as I had friends (not too many, as I have always been a shy and quiet person, but I had enough), a loving family, did well at school etc. Yet I used to think about suicide every day. I would sometimes cry in bed when I was about to sleep and I would wake up with tears in my eyes again. And I could not figure out why then, and I still haven't figured it out. I was lucky I was younger then (I had it between the age of nine-ish and 12) and I did not know about the possibilty of cutting yourself, otherwise I am sure I would have done it. I was not suicidal all those three years, but it fluctuated between periods where I was relatively happy and just suicidal. The main thing that kept me from killing myself was probably my mother, her father and 2 of his brothers and almost his sister too all hung themselves, and I was afraid that if I would do that too, my mother would blame it all to herself. Yet there were moments even this horrible thought could not stop me from thinking about doing horrible things to myself.

I never told this to anyone before, and now I read it I nearly can't imagine it anymore, because I am now a happy person. I don't know what stopped my suicidal thoughts either. It is all just a sad part of my life now, but it is definitely history. Furthermore, I have zero experience with solving depressions etc. so I can't help you, I can only show you my example and show you that it can go away by itself, so eventhough it may take a few years, just keep on going. It is worth it!

[Landsharks eat metal]

How can I learn to trust people if I can't trust anyone enough IRL to talk to them about not trusting people? I need someone to be there for me, (actually, physically, there) but I won't let them be because I'm just too scared of losing them.

[Art Vandelay]

Maybe it is a weird or personal question, and ofcourse you needn't answer, but I was wondering: do you long for death, or are you losing the will to life? I had the second one when I was younger. I did not have a reason to feel depressed or sometimes even suicidal, as I had friends (not too many, as I have always been a shy and quiet person, but I had enough), a loving family, did well at school etc. Yet I used to think about suicide every day. I would sometimes cry in bed when I was about to sleep and I would wake up with tears in my eyes again. And I could not figure out why then, and I still haven't figured it out. I was lucky I was younger then (I had it between the age of nine-ish and 12) and I did not know about the possibilty of cutting yourself, otherwise I am sure I would have done it. I was not suicidal all those three years, but it fluctuated between periods where I was relatively happy and just suicidal. The main thing that kept me from killing myself was probably my mother, her father and 2 of his brothers and almost his sister too all hung themselves, and I was afraid that if I would do that too, my mother would blame it all to herself. Yet there were moments even this horrible thought could not stop me from thinking about doing horrible things to myself.

I never told this to anyone before, and now I read it I nearly can't imagine it anymore, because I am now a happy person. I don't know what stopped my suicidal thoughts either. It is all just a sad part of my life now, but it is definitely history. Furthermore, I have zero experience with solving depressions etc. so I can't help you, I can only show you my example and show you that it can go away by itself, so eventhough it may take a few years, just keep on going. It is worth it!

In all honesty I'm not sure what it is exactly. For the longest time I wasn't exactly suicidal, but had always thought that I would of prefered to not have been born; to never have gained consciousness would of seemed like bliss. My parents were too young, my mother was only 16 when I was born and I stunted her options in life. Had she not had me, I'm fairly certain should would of accepted a scholarship to university in the state, instead she ended up working her way through community college and collecting welfare checks. My dad too, while being a couple years older than my mom, always planned to move to a place in the country he loved, where he had family. He never ended up doing that since I was there and he's worked in a mine ever since. I can never remember my parents together and think they were on the verge of splitting by the time I was born. Now my mother is married and has a new son and my dad is about to get married to a lady with two kids. Each now have the life and family that they should of always had and here I am stuck in the middle. I think this is something that has always bugged me alot deep down, I've always felt like that mistake that I was. I've never felt like I had a true family; I've always felt like an outsider living with my mom, my step father and my little brother, but at least I had my dad. He lived far away but we always had a pretty good relationship and he had never married; so it was just me and him. And now that's changed too and he's starting this other family with someone else. There is these two families and I don't quite fit in with either of them. It sucks feeling like you don't have a family, no where you truly belong; however I can't give myself too much pity in this regard cause there are people who actually don't have families and it makes me feel like a prick for being so selfish, when I should just be happy with what I have.

I don't know why I even brought that up, but I think its where alot of my feelings of inadequacy stem from. To a certain extent, to answer that first question of yours, I think I long for death. To finally remedy that mistake that was created when my mother was 16. Everyone would of been better off had I never been born in the first place and in the long run I feel everyone will be better off if I'm dead. I know it will hurt them and the pain may never exactly disappear; but it will subside and they will move on.

However I haven't given in yet, although I've been close a couple times. I've been clinging to this thing that I read that R.D. Laing believed; namely that someone can travel through a mental illness and come through the other side a more grounded and knowledgeable person. I've been depressed for 3 years and these is seemingly no end in sight. Each hour is another battle to try and force myself not to listen to all the thoughts running through my head. I appreciate you sharing your experience though and your encouragement. I'll stop ranting now.

[The Cheshire Cat]

In all honesty I'm not sure what it is exactly. For the longest time I wasn't exactly suicidal, but had always thought that I would of prefered to not have been born; to never have gained consciousness would of seemed like bliss. My parents were too young, my mother was only 16 when I was born and I stunted her options in life. Had she not had me, I'm fairly certain should would of accepted a scholarship to university in the state, instead she ended up working her way through community college and collecting welfare checks. My dad too, while being a couple years older than my mom, always planned to move to a place in the country he loved, where he had family. He never ended up doing that since I was there and he's worked in a mine ever since. I can never remember my parents together and think they were on the verge of splitting by the time I was born. Now my mother is married and has a new son and my dad is about to get married to a lady with two kids. Each now have the life and family that they should of always had and here I am stuck in the middle. I think this is something that has always bugged me alot deep down, I've always felt like that mistake that I was. I've never felt like I had a true family; I've always felt like an outsider living with my mom, my step father and my little brother, but at least I had my dad. He lived far away but we always had a pretty good relationship and he had never married; so it was just me and him. And now that's changed too and he's starting this other family with someone else. There is these two families and I don't quite fit in with either of them. It sucks feeling like you don't have a family, no where you truly belong; however I can't give myself too much pity in this regard cause there are people who actually don't have families and it makes me feel like a prick for being so selfish, when I should just be happy with what I have.

I don't know why I even brought that up, but I think its where alot of my feelings of inadequacy stem from. To a certain extent, to answer that first question of yours, I think I long for death. To finally remedy that mistake that was created when my mother was 16. Everyone would of been better off had I never been born in the first place and in the long run I feel everyone will be better off if I'm dead. I know it will hurt them and the pain may never exactly disappear; but it will subside and they will move on.

However I haven't given in yet, although I've been close a couple times. I've been clinging to this thing that I read that R.D. Laing believed; namely that someone can travel through a mental illness and come through the other side a more grounded and knowledgeable person. I've been depressed for 3 years and these is seemingly no end in sight. Each hour is another battle to try and force myself not to listen to all the thoughts running through my head. I appreciate you sharing your experience though and your encouragement. I'll stop ranting now.

I just typed a pretty huge comment, but I deleted everything because I was not sure wether I was making sense. Ofcourse I don't know everything about your situation, but this is what I think:

Many children are born unplanned, and all of them have heavy influences on their parents lifes. I was also born unplanned, and I did also interfere heavily with my parents lifes. My mother was not up to anything I think, but she always had a lot of parties and friends. That all ended when I was born. My father was third best motorbike racer of my country, and he beat the number 1 once in an informal match, so he could have become first once. After I was born, he held his last match, because he thought it was too dangerous a sport to continue while being a father. But eventhough I interfered in their life plans, they love me. And your parents love you too, and they see you as an enrichment of their lifes, rather than being dead weight or something. If they did not want you, they could have aborted you, given you up for adoption, your father could have went to his family before you were born, your mother could have left after your birth and leave you with your father, etc. Your parents could not get along apparently, and split up anyway after your birth. And then they had children again! Which means they do not regret having you, and they experienced having a kid as something good. Pretty much all parents experience children as something good. People are 'programmed' to feel that way towards having children. And even in the case they disliked having children (2 times), you can not possibly blame yourself for something they did. You did not born, you were born. They decided to make you and keep you and raise you. If they disliked the way that did that, they did something wrong, not you.

As I see it, there are only a couple of valid reasons to get depressed. Things like death of loved-ones, having enormous trouble earning money and feeding your family, problems with relatives, etc. Divorce of parents can also have a very negative influence on people's lifes, but your parents divorced before you can even remember, so altough it probably plays a role I don't think it is the main cause.

But I also think there does not have to be a main cause behind every depression. I now I had no reason to be depressed. Ofcourse there are always small things in people's lifes, my father for example was not home for weeks sometimes because of his work, and if he got home all he did was get angry at us. He was very frustrated because his boss would often not pay him and he just heavily disliked the company he worked for, and when he got home he would release his anger on us. He only hit me once or twice, and I always felt bad when he got home (I still do, it just stuck with me) but now he works for a different company our relation is pretty normal I think. Maybe a little bit cool, but we have no problems with eachother. There is also a girl I have known for as long as I can remember, and I never knew wether I loved her or not. I still know her, and I still haven't figured out my feelings towards her. That sometimes frustrates me.

All people have little things like that, but those are not a reason for depression. Like I said, I don't think there has to be a reason behind every depression, it can just be a number of minor things that make you feel bad or something. So I would stop searching for a reason, because you will make up reasons that do not exist. This as also becoming a large comment, so I will cut it about here, I hope you get what I mean.
When you start feeling better the way I did it, without help or even telling anyone, it will probably become slightly better of the time of some weeks, until one day you realise you did not think of suicide for some time. That is how it went with me. And if ranting makes you feel better in anyway, continue to do it because we would all be glad to listen to you.

[Landsharks eat metal]

fucking dysphoria is slaying me right now.
even if i ever manage to afford chest surgery, I've read about the recovery and it is very slow and I would apparently not be able to lift anything for at least a month and keep everything i need at waist/chest level so even then things probably wouldn't work out because i'd maybe need to ask for help and i don't know how to do that. but that will be years until i can do anythhing for transition and i don't know how long i can stand this feeling. even after everything i'll probably never look like a real man just some deformed... thing

dysphoria is like every bad feeling i've ever felt all shoved together and usually bad feelings are just onthe inside but it's like both inside and out at the same time and i feel like i'm going to explode or like tearing my flesh off and wishing i didn't have a body
or pretending that i believe in reincarnation so maybe if i die i'll be reborn into a life where i belong in both my own body and the world overall

[Landsharks eat metal]

I just found out that there's a gender therapist about 40 minutes away from my house. The last time I looked into it, the closest one was 90 minutes. But that probably still wouldn't work out because my whole family is busy and she's probably busy too. and even if that did work out, I'd have to start living in the real world, not the one where I imagine I see this amazing gender therapist who has a 5 minute talk with my parents, who then immediately apologize, call me their son, and agree to support me both emotionally and financially in my transition. Since that's totally not going to happen, I'm going to have to inhabit the world where I just might have to turn my back on everything I know to chase an elusive happiness.

[Art Vandelay]

I just found out that there's a gender therapist about 40 minutes away from my house. The last time I looked into it, the closest one was 90 minutes. But that probably still wouldn't work out because my whole family is busy and she's probably busy too. and even if that did work out, I'd have to start living in the real world, not the one where I imagine I see this amazing gender therapist who has a 5 minute talk with my parents, who then immediately apologize, call me their son, and agree to support me both emotionally and financially in my transition. Since that's totally not going to happen, I'm going to have to inhabit the world where I just might have to turn my back on everything I know to chase an elusive happiness.

I really think that you should look into the possibility of seeing that therapist. You already see a therapist right and he's a total religious dick? Since you're parents already (I'm assuming) pay for that therapist, I'm sure they'd be open to you seeing one, who potentially could fit your needs better.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I really think that you should look into the possibility of seeing that therapist. You already see a therapist right and he's a total religious dick? Since you're parents already (I'm assuming) pay for that therapist, I'm sure they'd be open to you seeing one, who potentially could fit your needs better.
That's actually the psychiatrist who's a dick (and I might end up with another psychiatrist too because he only took me and some of his other patients on when my previous one got sick, and he's trying to even out the workload. But I almost don't want to change because that will be my 4th psychiatrist and some of this leads to me feeling really abandoned.)

I actually like my current therapist, even though i don't really trust her completely because I don't really trust anyone irl enough to tell them about self-injury and suicidal thoughts, but if I were to see this new therapist, it would be in addition to my old one because my parents want someone who understands Asperger's, which can be hard to find. I'm on my 4th therapist now too; the last 2 moved away and I blame myself and feel like they ditched me on purpose.

[Art Vandelay]

Many children are born unplanned, and all of them have heavy influences on their parents lifes. I was also born unplanned, and I did also interfere heavily with my parents lifes. My mother was not up to anything I think, but she always had a lot of parties and friends. That all ended when I was born. My father was third best motorbike racer of my country, and he beat the number 1 once in an informal match, so he could have become first once. After I was born, he held his last match, because he thought it was too dangerous a sport to continue while being a father. But eventhough I interfered in their life plans, they love me. And your parents love you too, and they see you as an enrichment of their lifes, rather than being dead weight or something. If they did not want you, they could have aborted you, given you up for adoption, your father could have went to his family before you were born, your mother could have left after your birth and leave you with your father, etc. Your parents could not get along apparently, and split up anyway after your birth.

I know what you're saying is correct. Its somethings that always made me love my mother, the fact that she kept me. I can't even imagine what it must of been like realizing that you were going to become a mother at the age of 15. She was a pretty wild child as well, into drugs and stuff, but she straightened up as soon as she was pregnant. I really respect her for that. I'm 20 and still can't even take care of myself let alone a child. I have no doubt that I'm loved. Its one of the things that kinda makes me feel guilty about what I'm going through, cause I can't quite figure out why I feel this way. I have two parents who love me and a step dad whose always treated me like his own. There paying for my education (I'm currently in university) and have been so understanding about my depression (finding a therapist for me etc..). I have a girlfriend who is absolutely gorgeous and has been so supportive with what I have been going through, even though I haven't been as good of a boyfriend as I used to be or can be. One of the first things that I was asked by my therapist was do you have a reason to be depressed and the truth is that I really don't.


And then they had children again! Which means they do not regret having you, and they experienced having a kid as something good. Pretty much all parents experience children as something good. People are 'programmed' to feel that way towards having children. And even in the case they disliked having children (2 times), you can not possibly blame yourself for something they did. You did not born, you were born. They decided to make you and keep you and raise you. If they disliked the way that did that, they did something wrong, not you.

Well my dad has never had anymore kids, which is something that's always kept me feeling connected to him, since I'm his only one; although the lady he is marrying has two of her own. He's honestly been such a great dad, he has never raised his voice at me once in his life. I'm actually fairly excited for his wedding, I'm happy he's finally found someone who seems to be good for him and want the same things as him. My mother has had one more son with my step dad, so technically he's only my half brother, but he's the only one I've got and I've never considered him a 'half' anything, he's just my little brother.


As I see it, there are only a couple of valid reasons to get depressed. Things like death of loved-ones, having enormous trouble earning money and feeding your family, problems with relatives, etc. Divorce of parents can also have a very negative influence on people's lifes, but your parents divorced before you can even remember, so altough it probably plays a role I don't think it is the main cause.

My parents were never married they just broke up, but you're definitely right, I don't think that's the root cause of anything I've been experiencing.


But I also think there does not have to be a main cause behind every depression. I now I had no reason to be depressed. Ofcourse there are always small things in people's lifes, my father for example was not home for weeks sometimes because of his work, and if he got home all he did was get angry at us. He was very frustrated because his boss would often not pay him and he just heavily disliked the company he worked for, and when he got home he would release his anger on us. He only hit me once or twice, and I always felt bad when he got home (I still do, it just stuck with me) but now he works for a different company our relation is pretty normal I think. Maybe a little bit cool, but we have no problems with eachother. There is also a girl I have known for as long as I can remember, and I never knew wether I loved her or not. I still know her, and I still haven't figured out my feelings towards her. That sometimes frustrates me.

I'm sorry to hear about your father being abusive, but I'm also happy to hear that it stopped. As far as the girl goes, do you talk to her at all, or even hang out? The fact that you said you've known her for a long time and there are still these lingering feelings, seems as if there could potentially be something there.


All people have little things like that, but those are not a reason for depression. Like I said, I don't think there has to be a reason behind every depression, it can just be a number of minor things that make you feel bad or something. So I would stop searching for a reason, because you will make up reasons that do not exist. This as also becoming a large comment, so I will cut it about here, I hope you get what I mean.

I do get what you mean. I've spent a long time trying to figure it out and that time probably could of been better spent attempting to make active steps in my recovery. I think its a bit of an existential crises, maybe a chemical imbalance in my brain or something; ultimately it doesn't really matter, what matters is what's going to get me better.


When you start feeling better the way I did it, without help or even telling anyone, it will probably become slightly better of the time of some weeks, until one day you realise you did not think of suicide for some time. That is how it went with me. And if ranting makes you feel better in anyway, continue to do it because we would all be glad to listen to you.

I really appreciate you taking the time to type out these comments. Our discussion has been a bit cathartic for me. I think when I'm done typing this I'm going to call my therapist. I've been putting off setting up another session for about a month and a half now or so and it hasn't been helping. I've been scared to tell him that I stopped taking my meds cause I really respect the man and felt like he would be disappointed in me, but I know he'll understand.

[Art Vandelay]

That's actually the psychiatrist who's a dick (and I might end up with another psychiatrist too because he only took me and some of his other patients on when my previous one got sick, and he's trying to even out the workload. But I almost don't want to change because that will be my 4th psychiatrist and some of this leads to me feeling really abandoned.)

I get why you would feel abandoned by that, but you have to realize that it is nothing about you personally that made that happen. You mention in the second part I quote here that you feel like they ditched you on purpose. That is those irrational thoughts creeping in again; I get them to. Its really tough (I haven't been able to do this yet either) but its important to try and catch those before they become to ingrained.


I actually like my current therapist, even though i don't really trust her completely because I don't really trust anyone irl enough to tell them about self-injury and suicidal thoughts, but if I were to see this new therapist, it would be in addition to my old one because my parents want someone who understands Asperger's, which can be hard to find. I'm on my 4th therapist now too; the last 2 moved away and I blame myself and feel like they ditched me on purpose.

I haven't felt secure enough to tell my therapist about self injury and suicidal thoughts yet either. In all honesty I was planning on hitting up a walk in today to try and get some sleeping pills and I was going to wash them down with a bottle of scotch. But so far I'm actually having a pretty good day. I decided to instead call my therapist and book an appointment. I'm going to try and tell him about my cutting and my suicidal thoughts (but not tell him I've ever planned it out, since I'll get institutionalized). I would suggest floating the idea by your parents about seeing this new therapist. It sounds like it could potentially be beneficial.

P.S. I really like you LEM. :)

[Landsharks eat metal]

I haven't felt secure enough to tell my therapist about self injury and suicidal thoughts yet either. In all honesty I was planning on hitting up a walk in today to try and get some sleeping pills and I was going to wash them down with a bottle of scotch. But so far I'm actually having a pretty good day. I decided to instead call my therapist and book an appointment. I'm going to try and tell him about my cutting and my suicidal thoughts (but not tell him I've ever planned it out, since I'll get institutionalized). I would suggest floating the idea by your parents about seeing this new therapist. It sounds like it could potentially be beneficial.

P.S. I really like you LEM. :)

I don't think you'd be institutionalized if you said you've ever planned it out... maybe if you said you have a plan in place right now and are intentding to follow through on it... but i don't know, because i've never actually been institutionalized, just severely pressured until I gave in and went voluntarily. And, I mean, don't let the thought of going to the hospital scare you away from living. Don't be like me... :/

But if you really are that worried, I would recommend watching what you say really closely. There have been times when I somehow managed to open up to a new person and told them absolutely everything because it just felt so good to have someone actually listening and i was shaking and crying and both times they recommended I go to the hospital. The first time was with my college counselor, who pressured me enough that I gave in, and the second one was evaluating me to see if I qualified for extra services I wasn't already recieving, and she recommended I go to a day hospital program, but since i'd lied to my old therapist so much she wouldn't believe things were as bad as they really were.

But apparently, the hospital actually helps some people... I don't know why it was so shit for me.

(I really like you too)

[Art Vandelay]

I don't think you'd be institutionalized if you said you've ever planned it out... maybe if you said you have a plan in place right now and are intentding to follow through on it... but i don't know, because i've never actually been institutionalized, just severely pressured until I gave in and went voluntarily. And, I mean, don't let the thought of going to the hospital scare you away from living. Don't be like me... :/

Yeah I would probably have to say I currently have a plan in place, to end up getting sent to the psych ward. I'm more worried about getting sent away cause of my school. I take my university through distance, which is pretty much why I'm at home on my computer all day. I've been really slacking this semester and have fallen way way behind. I really need to get my shit together and focus on school for the next little bit. After tonight I'm planning on drying out from the booze and getting work done. No going out on weekends nothing. Plus my parents agreed to let me buy my own dog and have it live at their house while I'm here, but told me not until after I finish my exams, I think there trying to motivate me and I think its working ha.


But if you really are that worried, I would recommend watching what you say really closely. There have been times when I somehow managed to open up to a new person and told them absolutely everything because it just felt so good to have someone actually listening and i was shaking and crying and both times they recommended I go to the hospital. The first time was with my college counselor, who pressured me enough that I gave in, and the second one was evaluating me to see if I qualified for extra services I wasn't already recieving, and she recommended I go to a day hospital program, but since i'd lied to my old therapist so much she wouldn't believe things were as bad as they really were.

But apparently, the hospital actually helps some people... I don't know why it was so shit for me.

(I really like you too)

Maybe its because they weren't well enough equipped to deal with what you were going through or maybe it was because you were pressured into going there. Maybe you just weren't ready. I've been reading into the anti-psychiatry movement lately and must say that from a leftist perspective, it kinda fits in with things that I've always felt were true deep down. Keep your chin up, we'll both get through this.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

Love don't live here and it don't even visit.

Sometimes I hate faking it, I hate being as fake as I am, I wonder if it will get better or will I be genuinely happy. I hate being here, I hate having zero money, I hate being kicked out of homes, I hate living here, I hate that innocent people get shot here, I hate worrying if I will share the same fate, I hate being sketched out when leaving my fucking apartment, I hate seeing pathless children, I hate this iron ceiling above me and everyone around me, I hate being hungry, I hate hustling, I hate living with men who see me as nothing but a sexual object but cloak their intentions in pleasantries and decorum, I hate how I enjoy nothing, I hate constantly trying to be a good person and having 1.000 and 1 situations occur and people constantly giving me daily PSA about how really I'm a piece of shit and they're not irrational buffoons, I hate that I need drugs, I hate all of this. I often think I just need to realize, it's not going to get better and none of us will escape. Reality is a *****. just cope and dance with her.

Whatevs.

[Art Vandelay]

Love don't live here and it don't even visit.

Sometimes I hate faking it, I hate being as fake as I am, I wonder if it will get better or will I be genuinely happy. I hate being here, I hate having zero money, I hate being kicked out of homes, I hate living here, I hate that innocent people get shot here, I hate worrying if I will share the same fate, I hate being sketched out when leaving my fucking apartment, I hate seeing pathless children, I hate this iron ceiling above me and everyone around me, I hate being hungry, I hate hustling, I hate living with men who see me as nothing but a sexual object but cloak their intentions in pleasantries and decorum, I hate how I enjoy nothing, I hate constantly trying to be a good person and having 1.000 and 1 situations occur and people constantly giving me daily PSA about how really I'm a piece of shit and they're not irrational buffoons, I hate that I need drugs, I hate all of this. I often think I just need to realize, it's not going to get better and none of us will escape. Reality is a *****. just cope and dance with her.

Whatevs.

You always got internet love :) Although I realize that won’t be very comforting. I know the feeling of not knowing whether or not I’ll ever be happy again way too well. I quite frankly just don't know. I guess what I’ve come to realize that you just have to hope. I’m not talking about faith that things are going to get better, because I don’t believe in faith. Just plain hope, cause when you lose that, you end up in a pretty dark place; I’ve been there a lot. I'm really sorry to hear about the situation in your neighborhood. I hope that one day you're able to get to a safer neighborhood, a place where you don’t have to be scared to leave home. Please take good care of yourself out there; in all honesty and I’m not ever really sure why, but you strike me as a really resilient person. It sounds like the guys you are referring and the people who you say tell that you’re a p.o.s. don’t really deserve to be in your life. I’ve just kinda realized that I’ve slowly lost a lot of my friends of the last little bit, mostly because neither I or them really knew what was going on with me; I’ve come to the realization that instead of surrounding myself with people who apparently don’t like the person I am underneath it all and abandoned me when I was at my lowest, I need to surround myself with people who have been my ally’s through all of this (however little of them that there are). I know what the feeling is like when it comes to drugs. I don’t really have much advice in this regard, since I struggle with that too, however just know you aren’t alone. I hope you feel better voxy.

[Landsharks eat metal]

i like to pretend that someday i'm going to lift my head to find someone waiting for me and watching over me

(but not in a creepy way because i just realized that's how it kind of sounds...)

[Ele'ill]

I had dinosaur dreams the last two nights. Tyrannosaurus ran into a grocery store and everyone ran.. The grocery store gradually turned into the Left4Dead 2 level, the Mall survival level/gas in the race car level and I ended up chilling with some people up in the glitchable area above that door and we tried to figure out what to do. The dream got more exciting and real after that but I don't remember much of what happened.

[Landsharks eat metal]

i feel dead

[The Cheshire Cat]

i feel dead

Why?:( Your previous post from some minutes ago seemed postitive (unless I completely misinterpreted it).

[Landsharks eat metal]

Why?:( Your previous post from some minutes ago seemed postitive (unless I completely misinterpreted it).

It was a little bit of both positive and negative. I just feel like everything is pretend right now, though

[The Cheshire Cat]

It was a little bit of both positive and negative. I just feel like everything is pretend right now, though

What do you mean with everything being pretended?

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

everything is dreadful. everything. and it's not gonna get any better. what the fuck.

[Landsharks eat metal]

What do you mean with everything being pretended?

Like me being okay... or love. it seems like love is fake

[The Cheshire Cat]

Like me being okay... or love. it seems like love is fake

Love is not what many people expect it to be. It is not a magical bond between two people, it is merely a natural thing that evolved with us. It helps us with reproducing and it helps us cooperate and stick together in a world where being on yourself is hard. So I guess you could say it is fake, in some way. But if you mean real love, it is always genuine. Just rare. I think. I have no experience with love.

[Lowtech]

Love is not what many people expect it to be. It is not a magical bond between two people, it is merely a natural thing that evolved with us. It helps us with reproducing and it helps us cooperate and stick together in a world where being on yourself is hard. So I guess you could say it is fake, in some way. But if you mean real love, it is always genuine. Just rare. I think. I have no experience with love.

Or more accurately, most people are fake, or disgeniune at some point.

Love itself requires respect and doing right by yourself and the other person (and doing right doesn't mean meeting irrational or selfish expectations). recognize your own worth, be upfront about your expectations and what you consider a proper relationship.

then if the other person becomes fake or shows thier true colors, you'll know the actual source of fault, not some inconsistent notion of love that gives too much room for dishonesty and missplaced blame.

[Lowtech]

Like me being okay... or love. it seems like love is fakeignore the fuckers that just want to laugh about "everything being horrible" and it not changing.

Ignorant indifference has never helped anyone.

I went through a time of extreme depression.
I don't know if its the same feeling you're describing, but I felt like I was on autopilot, I did nothing because I wanted to, I did things because i knew I must to survive. I ate, slept, went to work only because i knew i should, everything was bland and bleak, even my thoughts.

I would play a song I liked on repeat for hours.

I did a lot of soul searching and I analyzed myself to no end, I wanted to know why it hurt so much. And its easy to understand, but hard to accept. And its not about acceptance. Many things are still wrong no matter how much we come to understand them and "accept" them.

there were many things and people around me that I knew were positive, just at the time I was incapable of letting it in to effect me or "make me happy." I litterally psychologically faught with myself over this, I didn't let myself grieve at first, this is wrong. we must let these things take its course. I kept mindful of these positive factors around me and appreciated them eventhough they didn't change how I felt. I was conciously appreciative anyway. And I would verbally thank others for their kindness, nomatter how small the gesture.

I can't say it worked, I still have a ways to go, but its helped.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I realized today that when I feel really down and like my entire life is one gigantic clusterfuck I tend to tell myself "it's okay, you can just kill yourself if things get bad enough."

The worst part is it makes me feel better.

[Lowtech]

I realized today that when I feel really down and like my entire life is one gigantic clusterfuck I tend to tell myself "it's okay, you can just kill yourself if things get bad enough."

The worst part is it makes me feel better.

Your user name says PC. If it sad mac, I would say DO IT APPLE PRODUCT.

(As a joke of course, I do not suggest to actually harm yourself)

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Your user name says PC. If it sad mac, I would say DO IT APPLE PRODUCT.

(As a joke of course, I do not suggest to actually harm yourself)
It's an old printer error message that means Paper Cassette: Load Letter, ex, the printer is out of 'letter' size paper. It's really cryptic and was made fun of in the movie Office Space.


5QQdNbvSGok

[Leftsolidarity]

I don't want to have a kid anytime soon

[#FF0000]

I realized today that when I feel really down and like my entire life is one gigantic clusterfuck I tend to tell myself "it's okay, you can just kill yourself if things get bad enough."

The worst part is it makes me feel better.

Nah a lot of people thought like that. Hunter S. Thompson was one of them.

What's a little more liberating is the thought that if you're willing to kill yourself, then there's a whooooole lotta other shit you never considered that you'd be willing to do. Like pack your bags, stowaway on a boat or plane and start an adventure.

[Decolonize The Left]

What's a little more liberating is the thought that if you're willing to kill yourself, then there's a whooooole lotta other shit you never considered that you'd be willing to do. Like pack your bags, stowaway on a boat or plane and start an adventure.

Truth.

[Art Vandelay]

Slept in and missed my therapy appointment today. Sometimes I feel like I'm intentionally sabotaging myself.

[Leftsolidarity]

I've withdrawn from a lot of the things I usually do and have kind of been hiding from the world. I've found myself very introverted lately and focusing just on my personal life. I don't know what that means exactly but that mostly means sitting in my room smoking and watching Netflix.

[The Cheshire Cat]

I have been having these small frustration-attacks in the past few weeks. Suddenly I will feel extremely angry and aggresiveand I just start pulling my own hairs out. It is over in a few seconds, but the more often I have those attacks, the angrier and sadder I feel. No idea why I have it though, but it is becoming more frequent. I hate it.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

I'm putting pressure on you *****es like I'm a soccer mom, shut up, my eyes can stop a bomb.

[Art Vandelay]

I'm always lonely.

[#FF0000]

me too

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I can't grasp why people want more guns in the world. I've had too many discussions about it already.

Guns kill...period

[The Cheshire Cat]

Todat I felt exceptionally sad :( Sometimes I think I should drink more and start taking dance lessons. And I should really start doing things I need to do, instead of wasting time with doing to much of nothing.

[Art Vandelay]

Todat I felt exceptionally sad :( Sometimes I think I should drink more and start taking dance lessons. And I should really start doing things I need to do, instead of wasting time with doing to much of nothing.

Drinking leads no where good...trust me. It starts with just drinking to forget about whatever it is that is making you feel sad and then all of a sudden its like: 'Holy shit, I've been drinking almost every night for like a year and a half.' Its hard on the liver.

[Art Vandelay]

me too

It sucks cause I don't feel like I'm that unlikable of a person. I've pretty much come to the realization that I only have one friend anymore and I usually only see him once a week at the most, sometimes not at all. I spend most nights sitting alone by myself drinking. I'll even text people who I used to be close to, but no one seems to be willing to give me a chance. I alienated alot of people when my depression and drinking were really bad and before I got my diagnosis, so I didn't know what was going on with myself.

[Fnord]

Ugh, I used up all my constructive motivation to make a detailed response with information on the thread I made and it just got wasted because the post didn't register and I can't go back right now. I don't want to help anyone right now, I can't, I just want to light the world on fire, slit my wrists and watch the world fade away, I wish I could do that, it would be so much easier..

[Landsharks eat metal]

fucking pissed off hate other people for existing

[Landsharks eat metal]

but really it's me that shouldn't exist because I don't know how to without pissing people off like I can't even talk without doing something wrong and having people yell at me and then i get upset and shut down and people think i'm crying to gain sympathy but really i can't help it and i just wish someone would love me, and love me for who i am not just the bullshit i pretend every day. an i wish I could stop being terrified of actually laying eyes on another human being and feeling like everyone wants to hurt me and am i paranoid i think i'm paranoid maybe my first psychiatrist was right when i was 12 and said i could have schizophrenia no i fucking don't i'm just fucked up and maybe i choosd to be this way for attention even though i'd rather just die and my heart physically hurts because of emoitional pain right now ei wish it would just stiop

[Lowtech]

but really it's me that shouldn't exist because I don't know how to without pissing people off like I can't even talk without doing something wrong and having people yell at me and then i get upset and shut down and people think i'm crying to gain sympathy but really i can't help it and i just wish someone would love me, and love me for who i am not just the bullshit i pretend every day. an i wish I could stop being terrified of actually laying eyes on another human being and feeling like everyone wants to hurt me and am i paranoid i think i'm paranoid maybe my first psychiatrist was right when i was 12 and said i could have schizophrenia no i fucking don't i'm just fucked up and maybe i choosd to be this way for attention even though i'd rather just die and my heart physically hurts because of emoitional pain right now ei wish it would just stiop

I think we're all at some degree of fucked up, just some hide it better than others. I wish I could help, send me a PM if you'd like to talk realtime.

[Yuppie Grinder]

I just found a copy of The Road to Freedom by Hayek in my dad's room.
I felt compelled to burn it but decided against it.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I just found a copy of The Road to Freedom by Hayek in my dad's room.
I felt compelled to burn it but decided against it.
Road to Serfdom? Keep it, it will be good for kindling on a camping trip

[Leftsolidarity]

My girlfriend just took a pregnancy test and it came out positive.

My mind just kind of shattered. I don't know what to do or say. I don't know what I want or what we're going to do.

I feel completely and utterly fucked.

[Art Vandelay]

My girlfriend just took a pregnancy test and it came out positive.

My mind just kind of shattered. I don't know what to do or say. I don't know what I want or what we're going to do.

I feel completely and utterly fucked.

I'm going through a pregnancy scare at the moment. I've fairly certain that is nothing to worry about (except my gf over reacting; she would agree). While it is obviously her decision what she does with her body, I'd probably just try and explain to her that you can barely take care of yourself, let alone a kid (if that is true for you; as it is for me).

[Leftsolidarity]

I'm going through a pregnancy scare at the moment. I've fairly certain that is nothing to worry about (except my gf over reacting; she would agree). While it is obviously her decision what she does with her body, I'd probably just try and explain to her that you can barely take care of yourself, let alone a kid (if that is true for you; as it is for me).

I've told her how I know that it's ultimately her decision but she really is pushing me for an answer. I don't have one. I really just have no idea.

[Art Vandelay]

I've told her how I know that it's ultimately her decision but she really is pushing me for an answer. I don't have one. I really just have no idea.

Well I feel like if she is asking your opinion (after being told it is ultimately her decision) that means she probably wants to know if you are ready for a kid. I feel you owe her the truth (if you in anyway feel as if you aren't going to be a great dad {at this point in time} then she deserves to know). In all honesty I want a kid some day (singular; I haven't decided if I want 2 or not) but I'm not ready to be a parent. So if I was in your situation, I would let the woman I'm with know that I wouldn't feel up to the task, however if she decides to go through with it, that I'm going to grow up fairly fucking quick. I feel like perhaps some parents on revleft could help you out better than I could at the moment. Being a child born when my mother was 16, I have a 1st hand account of what it is to be like born into a young parental situation. The economic hardships passed and I've been raised in a great environment. Ultimately when it comes down to me personally, as far as kids go, I'm just unsure if I want to adopt or have my own; I'm very worried about passing on down the hereditary gene towards mental illness and addiction; quite frankly I wouldn't wish the depression I've gone through, upon the worst capitalist. So while I can't provide you with an answer at the moment, I would feel that its your best bet to be brutally honest with your lady friend; it will benefit everyone in the long run.

[Art Vandelay]

I think my girlfriend of almost 4 years is going to leave me. :( I met her when I was 16 and in grade 11. I've been with her ever since. Its not official yet, but I didn't see things ending this way.

[Leftsolidarity]

Can I be a dad? I have no fucking clue. I was sitting in my high school cafeteria less than a year ago when I turned 18. Now I've moved out, traveled across a lot of the country, had a lot of awesome life experiences, about to get a job hopefully, and have been living a crazy but awesome life. Now I might be a dad? I never expected this would have happened less than a year after I turned 18 and graduated.

I think my girlfriend wants to have it. I might too. I'm not sure, though. I know I could do it if we commit too it but it would completely change my life. It might change it in a good way though.

[thriller]

Can I be a dad? I have no fucking clue. I was sitting in my high school cafeteria less than a year ago when I turned 18. Now I've moved out, traveled across a lot of the country, had a lot of awesome life experiences, about to get a job hopefully, and have been living a crazy but awesome life. Now I might be a dad? I never expected this would have happened less than a year after I turned 18 and graduated.

I think my girlfriend wants to have it. I might too. I'm not sure, though. I know I could do it if we commit too it but it would completely change my life. It might change it in a good way though.

Damn. Well, whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck. Be honest with her about your feelings. It would be bad to start this portion of your life (no matter the outcome) on a lie.

@9mm Sorry, that had gotta put a knife through your heart. I recently ended it with my girlfriend of the past 4 years as well. It sucked at first, but I gotta say, I like being single, even for how lonely it can be sometimes.

[Let's Get Free]

Every day for me is dragging and lethargic

[Ostrinski]

fuck my life

[Art Vandelay]

fuck my life

Need to talk? Hope everything is okay man.

[Landsharks eat metal]

fuck being trans
fuck it so fucking hard

[thriller]

fuck being trans
fuck it so fucking hard

I like you for who you are :) (says random person online)

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I like you for who you are :) (says random person online)

On the record...me too!!!!

[Quail]

Can I be a dad? I have no fucking clue. I was sitting in my high school cafeteria less than a year ago when I turned 18. Now I've moved out, traveled across a lot of the country, had a lot of awesome life experiences, about to get a job hopefully, and have been living a crazy but awesome life. Now I might be a dad? I never expected this would have happened less than a year after I turned 18 and graduated.

I think my girlfriend wants to have it. I might too. I'm not sure, though. I know I could do it if we commit too it but it would completely change my life. It might change it in a good way though.
I was 19 when I had my son and he's now nearly 3. It's hard because when you're young and your childless friends are all going out whenever they like and have the freedom to do things that you can't, it can get you down and make you feel isolated. It is possible though to do things like invite friends round or go to a child friendly pub for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I'm lucky to have family who can babysit overnight sometimes so that I can spend time with my partner, and my partner babysits so I can see friends and vice-versa. I don't know what your friends are like, but loads of my friends have offered to babysit (although I haven't taken them up on their offer because I feel bad asking favours from people). I split up from my son's father when my son was about 8 months old, but he still comes to visit and we're not on bad terms. I don't think we were really right for each other though, so the pressure of a baby made things extra difficult and led to us breaking up.

I'm still a student (I took a bit of time off) and I'm working on a masters of maths at the moment, with the hope of either doing further study (if I do well enough) or training to be a teacher. I think the childcare for students is quite good though because it covers up to 85% of nursery fees which would otherwise be prohibitively expensive.

What I'm really trying to say is that if your girlfriend does decide to continue the pregnancy, it might feel as though your life is going to be completely over, but it isn't. Not only will you still be able to keep in touch with your friends and work towards what you want to do, it's nice having a young child. I think having my son really helped me to stabilise my behaviour, for want of a better word, and he just cheers me up and brings me so much happiness.

Anyway, that's how it worked out for me. I don't know if any of that is helpful, but just thought I'd share :)

[Leftsolidarity]

Thanks Quail :)

I know a decent amount of younger people who have had kids and my parents had me and my brother when they were very young too. I feel like having a kid would definitely shut some doors for me and change the way I live my life and idk if I'm ready for that. I do feel though that having a child would be wonderful and I'd love it and give everything I got to raise it well. I feel that a chapter of my life is wrapping up but I'm not sure if having a kid is supposed to be the next chapter of my life.

At the moment I'm leaning toward having an abortion and seeing if we could have a kid in a few years. I've only been with my girlfriend about 4 months and care for her deeply, I just dont know if that's enough of a base for a relationship to have a kid together. My girlfriend is coming over later and we will talk it all out and make a decision together. I hope it goes well.

[Art Vandelay]

My girlfriend got her period today apparently. So my pregnancy scare is over, although I was never too concerned since we've always been careful as far as protection goes. I think her period being a bit late and her getting a bit of a flu bug at the same time just freaked her out a little bit, so she over reacted.

[Decolonize The Left]

My girlfriend got her period today apparently. So my pregnancy scare is over, although I was never too concerned since we've always been careful as far as protection goes. I think her period being a bit late and her getting a bit of a flu bug at the same time just freaked her out a little bit, so she over reacted.

Lucky you. Glad to hear you don't have to go through the whole process - it sucks.

[thriller]

I was 19 when I had my son and he's now nearly 3. It's hard because when you're young and your childless friends are all going out whenever they like and have the freedom to do things that you can't, it can get you down and make you feel isolated. It is possible though to do things like invite friends round or go to a child friendly pub for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I'm lucky to have family who can babysit overnight sometimes so that I can spend time with my partner, and my partner babysits so I can see friends and vice-versa. I don't know what your friends are like, but loads of my friends have offered to babysit (although I haven't taken them up on their offer because I feel bad asking favours from people). I split up from my son's father when my son was about 8 months old, but he still comes to visit and we're not on bad terms. I don't think we were really right for each other though, so the pressure of a baby made things extra difficult and led to us breaking up.

I'm still a student (I took a bit of time off) and I'm working on a masters of maths at the moment, with the hope of either doing further study (if I do well enough) or training to be a teacher. I think the childcare for students is quite good though because it covers up to 85% of nursery fees which would otherwise be prohibitively expensive.

What I'm really trying to say is that if your girlfriend does decide to continue the pregnancy, it might feel as though your life is going to be completely over, but it isn't. Not only will you still be able to keep in touch with your friends and work towards what you want to do, it's nice having a young child. I think having my son really helped me to stabilise my behaviour, for want of a better word, and he just cheers me up and brings me so much happiness.

Anyway, that's how it worked out for me. I don't know if any of that is helpful, but just thought I'd share :)

I guess going off this, you kind of find out who your true friends are when you have a kid, at least in my brothers case. His real friends come to his kids bday parties, offer to babysit, like spending time with him and his kids. His 'fake' friends stopped calling because he couldn't go out to the bars every weekend. Maybe I know nothing though, tell me to shut up if need be.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Sometimes like tonight when I'm feeling really depressed, angry, and just generally let down about society and how things aren't going well I wish I could go back to when I was gang-banging. Like it's stupid, I know, but there was a sense of community, a sense of power, a sense that someone has my back. And it was violent, when we were pissed we could go try and find rivals to fight and the rationale was that they shouldn't be here anyways. So many negative consequences, morally reprehensible, it hurts so many people for no good reason, but sometimes I still wish I could go back to that stuff when I'm in such a shitty mood.

[Quail]

I guess going off this, you kind of find out who your true friends are when you have a kid, at least in my brothers case. His real friends come to his kids bday parties, offer to babysit, like spending time with him and his kids. His 'fake' friends stopped calling because he couldn't go out to the bars every weekend. Maybe I know nothing though, tell me to shut up if need be.
Maybe I'm lucky and I didn't have any "fake" friends. Everyone was really nice and supportive, but I don't really make friends that easily so I only really regularly hang out with a few good friends.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I don't know if I can take this much longer, getting treated like shit at school every day. i want to tell them how far they are pushing me, but I know they would blame me exclusively for everything like always.

On the positive side, my new friend Shara has my back, but I'm still nervous things will turn out like they did with Julia. A lot of things are happening the same way they did before. Like today, she told me I have pretty eyes. Just like Julia did before.

[Art Vandelay]

I don't know if I can take this much longer, getting treated like shit at school every day. i want to tell them how far they are pushing me, but I know they would blame me exclusively for everything like always.

On the positive side, my new friend Shara has my back, but I'm still nervous things will turn out like they did with Julia. A lot of things are happening the same way they did before. Like today, she told me I have pretty eyes. Just like Julia did before.

LEM, that in no way means that things are going to turn out the same way! It just means you have pretty eyes.

[Landsharks eat metal]

LEM, that in no way means that things are going to turn out the same way! It just means you have pretty eyes.

They just seem to be very similar people in general, but yeah, I am being a little paranoid. I'm already seeing a very significant difference in that Shara supports me when everyone gets pissed at me and I'm upset, whereas Julia just rolled her eyes.

[Art Vandelay]

They just seem to be very similar people in general, but yeah, I am being a little paranoid. I'm already seeing a very significant difference in that Shara supports me when everyone gets pissed at me and I'm upset, whereas Julia just rolled her eyes.

Well it sounds like Shara is already a better friend then Julia ever was. I'm happy you've found someone at school you can get to know. :)

[thriller]

They just seem to be very similar people in general, but yeah, I am being a little paranoid. I'm already seeing a very significant difference in that Shara supports me when everyone gets pissed at me and I'm upset, whereas Julia just rolled her eyes.

They prolly are similar somewhat because people tend to be drawn towards certain kinds of people. My friends tend to be the "odd" ones, the nerds, the overly-political, the goth-like, etc. There is a reason why none of my friends are jocks: because I don't like hanging out with jocks. Either way, hope all goes well. You also seem much better at making friends than me :)

[Leftsolidarity]

So me and my girlfriend decided that while we could probably raise a kid pretty well together and even would be excited about it, we're not ready for that yet. Now all we have to do is figure out how much we have to pay for an abortion. It's gonna be a few hundred which will kinda clean us out but it's no where near as expensive as a kid anyways. I'm just glad we worked it out together and are moving on.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

So my and my girlfriend decided that while we could probably raise a kid pretty well together and even would be excited about it, we're not ready for that yet. Now all we have to do is figure out how much we have to pay for an abortion. It's gonna be a few hundred which will kinda clean us out but it's no where near as expensive as a kid anyways. I'm just glad we worked it out together and are moving on.
My friend and his ex-girlfriend (then girlfriend) paid around $400 a couple years back. Maybe try looking for a Planned Parenthood clinic?


[edit]
I should mention she was more than a couple weeks along, though, she was starting to show. You guys could probably do the pill or something, PP would know.

[Leftsolidarity]

My friend and his ex-girlfriend (then girlfriend) paid around $400 a couple years back. Maybe try looking for a Planned Parenthood clinic?


[edit]
I should mention she was more than a couple weeks along, though, she was starting to show. You guys could probably do the pill or something, PP would know.


It will probably be around $300-$400 at the minimum. We're not exactly sure how along she is, can't be all that long. Planned Parenthood's website said that the pill and the surgical (or whatever it's called) range anywhere between $300-$1000.

[Decolonize The Left]

It will probably be around $300-$400 at the minimum. We're not exactly sure how along she is, can't be all that long. Planned Parenthood's website said that the pill and the surgical (or whatever it's called) range anywhere between $300-$1000.

You'll need to know the date of her last period. Then from there you can calculate, at a maximum, how far along she is. This calculation is important as it will affect which type of abortion she can receive and hence how much the whole thing will cost. You should also get that day and the next few off work if you can as you'll probably want to kick it and relax for a day or two after the actual event.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

So me and my girlfriend decided that while we could probably raise a kid pretty well together and even would be excited about it, we're not ready for that yet. Now all we have to do is figure out how much we have to pay for an abortion. It's gonna be a few hundred which will kinda clean us out but it's no where near as expensive as a kid anyways. I'm just glad we worked it out together and are moving on.

I'm just glad you figured it out together. One day you'll be ready. Good luck man.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I can't drive past a cemetery without remembering my suicide attempt in March... the point where I was curled up in the fetal position in the grass trying to finally slit my wrists and then realizing it was going to fail and I did something really stupid and I wanted to die even more than I had back when I was still trying. Every time I see a cemetery, I remember those feelings. Sometimes I wish I had succeeded.

On a positive note, I think it's been 10 days since I last cut myself...

[Quail]

10 days is cool, that's really great. You should be proud of yourself.

[thriller]

I can't drive past a cemetery without remembering my suicide attempt in March... the point where I was curled up in the fetal position in the grass trying to finally slit my wrists and then realizing it was going to fail and I did something really stupid and I wanted to die even more than I had back when I was still trying. Every time I see a cemetery, I remember those feelings. Sometimes I wish I had succeeded.

On a positive note, I think it's been 10 days since I last cut myself...

Congrats on 10 days LEM :)
Also congrats on remembering that event. I (as often stated) have no idea what that is like. I can't begin to imagine those exact feelings. But I do have memories of horrible things I put myself through. And I am glad I have those memories, because I shouldn't just try to block the memories and delete them, I gotta keep them as a reminder.
I wish that every time driving by didn't remind you, but one thing at a time?

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

I think my girlfriend of almost 4 years is going to leave me. :( I met her when I was 16 and in grade 11. I've been with her ever since. Its not official yet, but I didn't see things ending this way.

I'm sorry love for all the above. :(

[Fnord]

Alex: I feel like I don't belong here, I always doubt myself and can barely react to anything without freaking out. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better I had carried out my suicide as I wanted when I was a child, I was always misunderstood, shy and lonely, trying to strangle myself to death so it wouldn't have to go on any longer. I still wonder why I survived to this day, why I didn't have the nerve to use a knife, nearly everyone up until now has betrayed me, why should I trust anyone? I'm just holding everyone back here, I'm not even completely sure I have a purpose here if I can't even get over painful memories of the past.

[thriller]

Alex: I feel like I don't belong here, I always doubt myself and can barely react to anything without freaking out. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better I had carried out my suicide as I wanted when I was a child, I was always misunderstood, shy and lonely, trying to strangle myself to death so it wouldn't have to go on any longer. I still wonder why I survived to this day, why I didn't have the nerve to use a knife, nearly everyone up until now has betrayed me, why should I trust anyone? I'm just holding everyone back here, I'm not even completely sure I have a purpose here if I can't even get over painful memories of the past.

I'm sorry you feel this way :(

[Jesus Saves Gretzky Scores]

My friend asked other people at our table to hang out today. It felt pretty crappy, but I feel left out of most of my friendships.

[Art Vandelay]

My friend asked other people at our table to hang out today. It felt pretty crappy, but I feel left out of most of my friendships.

I know the feeling; I alienated a shit load of people when my depression and drinking was bad. What I have noticed recently is at least one of those people has been wanting to hang out alot again. I'd say wait it out, a bit of time passes when you haven't chilled and then they'll probably be wanting to hang out again.

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

Fuck me, i alienated lots of people just for being me!

Nowadays, i have virtual no friends and i can't say that i miss it a lot.

[Art Vandelay]

I'm feeling so low today. :(

[Yuppie Grinder]

I remember when I was younger and people would walk to meet each other and then find something fun to do, which was usually something stupid.
Now we have to have cars and drugs to distract ourselves from how boring we are.

[Quail]

I'm doing well with the whole recovery thing, but I think "once a bulimic, always a bulimic" applies. I'm getting more and more urges to vomit because it's easy. I don't have to think, don't have to feel and don't have to feel as though I'm lazily not doing anything about the body I despise. I haven't gained any weight, yet feel as though I've doubled in size. I know this is a sign something needs to change, but I don't know what.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I remember when I was younger and people would walk to meet each other and then find something fun to do, which was usually something stupid.
Now we have to have cars and drugs to distract ourselves from how boring we are.
When I was 14-15 we satiated our boredom by stealing Vicks 44 cough syrup from the supermarket and chugging a bottle.

[Yuppie Grinder]

when i was 14-15 we satiated our boredom by stealing vicks 44 cough syrup from the supermarket and chugging a bottle.

bro me to
except we stole delsym and robo

[Quail]

Ah chugging cough syrup... From time to time I get the urge to buy a bottle and do it again, but there are probably better ways to get high. It's behind the pharmacy counter in the UK, so you have to ask for it. I'm surprised you could steal it.

[Yuppie Grinder]

Ah chugging cough syrup... From time to time I get the urge to buy a bottle and do it again, but there are probably better ways to get high. It's behind the pharmacy counter in the UK, so you have to ask for it. I'm surprised you could steal it.

I developed a habit in the summer, used to do it almost every day. Towards the end I would hear voices at night and had trouble forming my thoughts into words.
I tried it again recently because I'm stupid.

[Ostrinski]

God damn, those ASPCA commercials make me so sad, almost make me cry. I decided to write my visual argument analysis essay on one because I thought it would be easy but damn.

[thriller]

God damn, those ASPCA commercials make me so sad, almost make me cry. I decided to write my visual argument analysis essay on one because I thought it would be easy but damn.

I refuse to EVER give them money because as long as those ads run they will just run more ads with my money cuz they will think it's "effective."
--------------------
What am I doing? I was SO excited to get into the college and degree I am in right now (History) but now think it's a horrible mistake. All I can do with history is keep going to school until I have a PhD and then teach in school. I realized that this degree just means I'll be at school for the rest of my life. I guess I knew that going into it, but now... I see how depressing that is. I like learning, but don't have much interest in school itself. I've doomed myself to a life of academia. I'm a fucking moron.

[Art Vandelay]

I refuse to EVER give them money because as long as those ads run they will just run more ads with my money cuz they will think it's "effective."
--------------------
What am I doing? I was SO excited to get into the college and degree I am in right now (History) but now think it's a horrible mistake. All I can do with history is keep going to school until I have a PhD and then teach in school. I realized that this degree just means I'll be at school for the rest of my life. I guess I knew that going into it, but now... I see how depressing that is. I like learning, but don't have much interest in school itself. I've doomed myself to a life of academia. I'm a fucking moron.

This resonates with me alot. I must say though, one could do worse then a life in academia. I mean yeah the schooling system sucks, but you'll have lots of time and resources to immerse yourself in side projects of things that interest you.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'll be 20 this May. 20 years of my life wasted. I'm tired of having to pretend to be someone I'm not.


I honestly still feel like I'm 14.

[Quail]

I honestly still feel like I'm 14.
I still feel like a child sometimes. I have these moments where I look at my life and think, Fuck me, I'm 22 and have a (nearly) 3 year old. When did this happen? I don't think I'll ever feel like an adult.

[La Guaneña]

I feel sad and useless. Nothing I do seems to come out right, I feel like I'm damn stupid.

Everything I do feels like is accomplishing nothing.

[thriller]

This resonates with me alot. I must say though, one could do worse then a life in academia. I mean yeah the schooling system sucks, but you'll have lots of time and resources to immerse yourself in side projects of things that interest you.

That is true. TBH I chose History because it is my favorite subject and my (desired) speciality in Labor History made me feel like I could use my political beliefs to my advantage. I don't really want a "career" I want to change the fucking world for the better. I thought my instilling the struggle of labor against capital in students would be my contribution. But after only a week at my university I feel like everyone is a conforming drone too scared to step outside the norm, so I'm not sure how much I can offer people.

[thriller]

I'll be 20 this May. 20 years of my life wasted. I'm tired of having to pretend to be someone I'm not.


I honestly still feel like I'm 14.

I'm 24 and feel like I'm still 16. But at least I don't feel like I'm 44. Better to feel like the world is still new than to feel like it's old news.

[TheRedAnarchist23]

I don't think I'll ever feel like an adult.

If you, and more people, are adults, but do not feel like adults, then I think it is safe to assume that there is no such a thing as feeling like an adult. If you are going to go look for a feeling you think should be there, yet you do not feel it, you are only going to get yourself tired. This applies to all feelings.

[Ostrinski]

@!thriller!

I too am going into history, planning on getting my phd in labor history as well. Do you plan on going to Michigan State University? That's the only place I could find that has the program for it. But yeah, I'm going into it with what you said in mind, I want a career in academia. It is true that there is hardly anything outside of it for any social science major, so if that is not what you want then I would try to switch now, especially since pretty much anything less than a phd in social science is worthless.

[thriller]

@!thriller!

I too am going into history, planning on getting my phd in labor history as well. Do you plan on going to Michigan State University? That's the only place I could find that has the program for it. But yeah, I'm going into it with what you said in mind, I want a career in academia. It is true that there is hardly anything outside of it for any social science major, so if that is not what you want then I would try to switch now, especially since pretty much anything less than a phd in social science is worthless.

I'm an undergrad right now but really need to start looking. I thought UW and Berkley had a program. I think it may be part "class culture" shock if you will. I am a recent transfer who spent 3 years at a technical college (which I loved) and I am pretty overwhelmed with the "single file" way in which people act and things get done, if you will. Switching is not an option anymore, because if I wanted to do anything else it would be welding, which is a 1 year tech certificate. I could possibly get that concurrently with my history degree (if I never slept for the whole year :D ). I just feel sometimes like my career will serve no purpose whatsoever in society, which can get a little depressing. Thanks for the advise though, I appreciate it :)

[Decolonize The Left]

I just feel sometimes like my career will serve no purpose whatsoever in society, which can get a little depressing.

Dude fuck that defeatist way of thinking.

I'm 26. I have a major in political science and a minor in philosophy. I have worked as a construction worker, busser, supermarket checkout person, barista, and finally a waiter. I never once put my college degree to work in a career sense. But you know what? I still wouldn't take it back.

Learning what I learned mattered to me in the sense that it was important to think about those things. It was important to realize that my degree isn't really worth anything. But I don't care really because it's not what I wanted as a career. I want to write and write I shall.

It's not the end that makes the means, nor is it the means that makes the end. It's the whole process that makes you who you are and that's what matters most.

And wine. Wine helps.

[Lowtech]

Dude fuck that defeatist way of thinking.

I'm 26. I have a major in political science and a minor in philosophy. I have worked as a construction worker, busser, supermarket checkout person, barista, and finally a waiter. I never once put my college degree to work in a career sense. But you know what? I still wouldn't take it back.

Learning what I learned mattered to me in the sense that it was important to think about those things. It was important to realize that my degree isn't really worth anything. But I don't care really because it's not what I wanted as a career. I want to write and write I shall.

It's not the end that makes the means, nor is it the means that makes the end. It's the whole process that makes you who you are and that's what matters most.

And wine. Wine helps.

Yeah wine, Or being 26 and not having any bills.

[Decolonize The Left]

Yeah wine, Or being 26 and not having any bills.

Huh? I have hella bills... that's why I need hella wine.

[Capitalist Octopus]

Sooo....

Sometimes I get thoughts where I don't care about anything.
I write about politics and these issues a lot. I am a journalist.
But at times it feels like I just don't really care about any of them.
Like I see people protesting, and they are genuinely mad, and they genuinely care.
I very rarely have that.
Maybe that's my privileges showing, but even that doesn't fully make sense.
Sometimes it seems like I just care about myself.
That my left wing politics are an intellectual activity more than anything else.
And I hate it.
But at the same time, I don't care.
Agggh

[Domela Nieuwenhuis]

I'm 24 and feel like I'm still 16. But at least I don't feel like I'm 44. Better to feel like the world is still new than to feel like it's old news.

Haha, i'm 31. I still feel like 18!
I only recently had the feeling i am actually becoming adult.

Someone once told me: Getting old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

[Lowtech]

I just purchased some magic cards, hadn't had any since I was 15 or so, almost 20 years ago now. Re-purchased the ones I had back in 93' 94'

[Art Vandelay]

I want to kill myself, yet all I do is talk about it on here, as opposed to actually following through with it. Its sort of pathetic.

[bad ideas actualised by alcohol]

I want to kill myself, yet all I do is talk about it on here, as opposed to actually following through with it. Its sort of pathetic.

I must say that I prefer you pathetic instead of you dead.

[Ele'ill]

The last two or three months have been a non-stop flow of random people being rude, aggressive and violent, threatening, intentionally disrespectful in a go-out-of-the-way-to-be-a-fearlessly-blatant-asshole way, normally I laugh at this stuff, exchange words or ignore it when it happens sporadically but I've had it. Literally has been one thing after another all day every single day. So, had some guy get real probing rude invading my space and being obnoxious about putting stuff down while I'm trying to do something at a store, wouldn't leave me alone, kept putting stuff right in front of me and when I moved his shit he put his hand on my arm from behind me and told me something along the lines of 'don't do that again' so I forcefully moved all of his stuff elsewhere and it turned into a thing pretty quick and I didn't back down to 'just get out of it and move on' I stopped what I was doing and turned around to him and took a step in between his stance ( which was completely flush to me I wanted to hit this guy right then and there) and asked him why he was so close to me. He shot off at the mouth about a bunch of irrelevant garbage with the exaggerated tough guy hand motions so I told him I didn't care I asked why he was so close and for him to go about his business till I was done. He was a big guy but I think I caught him off guard by fully turning around like that and he put more stuff down this time elsewhere and started asking me all these 'friendly chat' questions stumbling over his words and I just vaguely acknowledged that he was talking to me and blew him off. So he comes up and again starts getting all close and acting aggressive and agitated in a non-drug kind of way. I'm walking out the door after that and he follows me out without his stuff and he's walking pretty fast towards me like he wants to fight so I put my pack down and walked towards him and at this point I'm willing to get in it and he kind of slows down and stops and looks around so I just keep walking towards him confidently and ask him what's up and I'm kind of standing sideways again when I get up to him and It became clear that this guy couldn't fight, wanted to pick on someone, maybe wanted to hurt someone, wasn't sure what to do about this person who was shorter and lighter being assertive, and he stuck out his hand and told me that I need to watch myself out here and I asked him 'what do you mean by that' - 'just saying you gotta watch yourself out here' basically projecting what I had just done which was had enough of people getting in my face and being willing to back it up with a fight. So yeah he shook my hand and I told him to do the same.


Something I don't like about this is that I tend to dislike myself and put myself in situations where it's almost like I want to get hit, I want to fight and I want it to scar- regardless of the other person's outcome. I want to take some punishment too just to satisfy that self dislike part of me. I dunno.






cliffnotes: I am ultimate streetfighter

[Lobotomy]

Sooo....

Sometimes I get thoughts where I don't care about anything.
I write about politics and these issues a lot. I am a journalist.
But at times it feels like I just don't really care about any of them.
Like I see people protesting, and they are genuinely mad, and they genuinely care.
I very rarely have that.
Maybe that's my privileges showing, but even that doesn't fully make sense.
Sometimes it seems like I just care about myself.
That my left wing politics are an intellectual activity more than anything else.
And I hate it.
But at the same time, I don't care.
Agggh

I know the feeling exactly. personally I attribute it to depression, but maybe it's different for you.

[Leftsolidarity]

My girlfriend has a close friend whose dad just committed suicide 2 days ago. It's terribly sad because not only did they lose their dad but he was the breadwinner of the house and her mom is unemployed. On top of that since he committed suicide the insurance won't give the family any money. So they lost their father and all their money in 2 days.

[Quail]

I need to quit drinking, or at least cut down a lot.

[Art Vandelay]

I need to quit drinking, or at least cut down a lot.

Me too.

[The Jay]

I need to quit drinking, or at least cut down a lot.

Try one month on, one month off. I did that before and it saved me a LOT of money. It may work for you if you have other reasons.

[thriller]

I want to kill myself, yet all I do is talk about it on here, as opposed to actually following through with it. Its sort of pathetic.

I think it's good you have an open place to talk about it, even if it is through anonymity. Some people are not strong enough to admit those types of thoughts.

@Mari3L Is that the first time you have really done that (as far as not backing down when someone clearly gets in your shit)?

[Ele'ill]

The last two or three months have been a non-stop flow of random people being rude, aggressive and violent, threatening, intentionally disrespectful in a go-out-of-the-way-to-be-a-fearlessly-blatant-asshole way, normally I laugh at this stuff, exchange words or ignore it when it happens sporadically but I've had it. Literally has been one thing after another all day every single day. So, had some guy get real probing rude invading my space and being obnoxious about putting stuff down while I'm trying to do something at a store, wouldn't leave me alone, kept putting stuff right in front of me and when I moved his shit he put his hand on my arm from behind me and told me something along the lines of 'don't do that again' so I forcefully moved all of his stuff elsewhere and it turned into a thing pretty quick and I didn't back down to 'just get out of it and move on' I stopped what I was doing and turned around to him and took a step in between his stance ( which was completely flush to me I wanted to hit this guy right then and there) and asked him why he was so close to me. He shot off at the mouth about a bunch of irrelevant garbage with the exaggerated tough guy hand motions so I told him I didn't care I asked why he was so close and for him to go about his business till I was done. He was a big guy but I think I caught him off guard by fully turning around like that and he put more stuff down this time elsewhere and started asking me all these 'friendly chat' questions stumbling over his words and I just vaguely acknowledged that he was talking to me and blew him off. So he comes up and again starts getting all close and acting aggressive and agitated in a non-drug kind of way. I'm walking out the door after that and he follows me out without his stuff and he's walking pretty fast towards me like he wants to fight so I put my pack down and walked towards him and at this point I'm willing to get in it and he kind of slows down and stops and looks around so I just keep walking towards him confidently and ask him what's up and I'm kind of standing sideways again when I get up to him and It became clear that this guy couldn't fight, wanted to pick on someone, maybe wanted to hurt someone, wasn't sure what to do about this person who was shorter and lighter being assertive, and he stuck out his hand and told me that I need to watch myself out here and I asked him 'what do you mean by that' - 'just saying you gotta watch yourself out here' basically projecting what I had just done which was had enough of people getting in my face and being willing to back it up with a fight. So yeah he shook my hand and I told him to do the same.


Something I don't like about this is that I tend to dislike myself and put myself in situations where it's almost like I want to get hit, I want to fight and I want it to scar- regardless of the other person's outcome. I want to take some punishment too just to satisfy that self dislike part of me. I dunno.






cliffnotes: I am ultimate streetfighter

To follow this up, I had a crow drop a stick on me and I shot it an angry glance and it knew what was up and flew off.

[Sean]

To follow this up, I had a crow drop a stick on me and I shot it an angry glance and it knew what was up and flew off.

You life is just one long Adele song, damnit. On the plus side, that was probably a load bearing stick for its nest and all the other crows mock its shitty home.

[Ele'ill]

@Mari3L Is that the first time you have really done that (as far as not backing down when someone clearly gets in your shit)?

Not at all but the constant antagonizing stuff from everyone usually doesn't happen.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I was in a car crash yesterday and I can't stop having flashbacks. I'm still fucking terrified. For the most part, I'm physically ok, though

[Quail]

Try one month on, one month off. I did that before and it saved me a LOT of money. It may work for you if you have other reasons.
The problem is the function alcohol serves for me. Sometimes it's just something to unwind a the end of the day, enjoy the taste of or have when I socialise, which is fine IMO and not excessive. Other times I feel a really strong need to be numb and not feel anything, and if I don't drink I will probably hurt myself or fall back on bulimia (binge eating and vomiting is pretty good for numbing feelings but obviously disastrous for my health). Another issue is that I have vivid dreams every night, so much that I can't get any rest (I have at least 2-3 very vivid dreams that I can remember each night). I wake up basically feeling as though I've not slept. A drink or two in the evening makes me dream a bit less so I feel a bit better in the morning. I think the dreams are related to my brain trying to process my emotions. Now that I'm no longer full-on bulimic, I'm no longer numb to my feelings and I have to deal with them but I'm finding that difficult so I think that my subconscious is busy with it at night. That's my guess anyway. I'm thinking of perhaps forcing myself to do more creative writing because that's a healthy outlet for my emotions, and seeing if that helps the dreams. I'm just sick of it really.

I spilled cider on my laptop last night. I took it to the computer shop under my house and apparently the motherboard is fucked and it'll cost £200 to replace. I guess the good thing about being a student is that I get all my money in one go so I do have £200 in my bank account, but it's still a lot of money and I feel like such an idiot for being so clumsy. I'll be getting a bursary from the uni soonish so I'll use some of that to pay for the repair. I've got my old laptop, but it has no battery because that doesn't work which is a bit inconvenient, but it's better than nothing. Also, all my files should be recoverable, which is a huge relief. I always forget to back up, and if I lost all my writing I don't know what I'd do. To be fair, it has been backed up recently-ish, but I find if I lose my work I can never quite get it to sound right again.

I'm in a pretty fucking terrible mood today, partly due to anger at myself for breaking my damn laptop, partly because I have stomach cramps that rival labour pains and partly because my son has been driving me slightly crazy. Need to try and relax and do something nice for myself, but I feel too shitty to do anything nice so I'll probably just waste time until bed.

[Brutus]

I was in a car crash yesterday and I can't stop having flashbacks. I'm still fucking terrified. For the most part, I'm physically ok, though

Glad to see your alright LEM

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Am talking, kinda, with a close friend of mine in regards to our future together and the possibilities of spending college at the same place. Essentially just this awkward discussion about possible life events. It is frustrating, in a completely irrational way, when he says stuff like wanting to have a "college experience" (dorm living, partying, etc) while refusing to consider moving away (for the strange excuse that it is "too expensive" elsewhere; I have no problem with this except for the fact that college is expensive everywhere so why is he refusing to budge?!). It is weird, I know, especially since much could change in the time between now and when we are able to meet but still, I seem to have developed feelings for him and... urgh, I dunno. I just feel like after two years I want things to go faster. But I have to be patient. Life is cruel. I can't express myself.

[Art Vandelay]

I am starting to question the accuracy of my diagnosis of Dysthmia and feel like I could potentially have a borderline personality disorder.

[Brutus]

I sometimes talk to my poster of Engels on the wall. my father thinks I'm going insane.
But as Charles Bukowski said:“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
It is just the fact that people are either mean, mundane, or stupid. It's rare that I meet someone I actually enjoy being around. Strange that I find more in common with the people of this board than my so called 'friends'.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I can't stop thinking that shit won't get better. it'd be so easy to just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger and everything would just fucking go away. fuck. drinkin don't help. drinking makes me feel worse I think. But sometimes I think maybe I don't want to feel any better, or that I just don't know how to feel better because my life has been one gigantic clusterfuck. [redacted - personal]. Now I feel so alienated, yet at the same time I'm a social butterfly. It's like I want to crawl into a dark corner and never see or talk to anyone and just die and at the same time i want to go out and do things in an unending quest for whatever-the-abstract-fuck will satiate me. Like I need a purpose, of some sort, some way to really fit in, but I can't find it, and I never will, and I hate myself and the world around me, yet at the same time I crave the acceptance of it and myself.

Fuck I'm drunk

[Brutus]

Stop pondering about the universe and the meaning of life!
Unless you have come to accept that I am just another, insignificant human being.

[Brutus]

But if you can make one persons life better through your actions, your life was not meaningless

[Art Vandelay]

I can't stop thinking that shit won't get better.

I know what you mean. For me its just come down to a matter of hope. I need to hope things can get better, or else I'd just check out. R.D. Laing held the view that one could travel through a mental illness, beat it, and come out as a more knowledgeable and improved person, than those who never experienced it.


it'd be so easy to just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger and everything would just fucking go away. fuck. drinkin don't help. drinking makes me feel worse I think. But sometimes I think maybe I don't want to feel any better, or that I just don't know how to feel better because my life has been one gigantic clusterfuck.

Drinking really doesn't help, although it temporarily numbs you. It always makes you feel worse when you wake up, but I know the appeal it has. I honestly think that if I owned a gun, I probably wouldn't be alive. Which sucks cause some of my earliest memories are my dad taking me target shooting and I've always wanted to own guns when I'm a bit older; I honestly don't know if that is a good idea or not anymore.


[redacted - personal]. Now I feel so alienated, yet at the same time I'm a social butterfly. It's like I want to crawl into a dark corner and never see or talk to anyone and just die and at the same time i want to go out and do things in an unending quest for whatever-the-abstract-fuck will satiate me. Like I need a purpose, of some sort, some way to really fit in, but I can't find it, and I never will, and I hate myself and the world around me, yet at the same time I crave the acceptance of it and myself.

Fuck I'm drunk

I'm really not the best person for advice, cause I'm struggling with all of this too, just know you are not alone. I got lots of free time on my hands so if you ever need to talk let me know.

[Decolonize The Left]

You know y'all ain't alone when it comes to the bottle:
MLsNUt3x6u0
And you know you're not alone when it comes to thoughts of end:
xTYcCf8Upak

[Art Vandelay]

I just finished up a personal essay for a pretty big writing contest here in Canada, about my struggles with mental illness. I'm not going to get my hopes up, because there are alot of entries every year, but I'm proud of myself for writing it and at least submitting. The whole process was fairly cathartic.

[The Jay]

Did you upgrade to a 50 cal?

[Brutus]

Nice 9mm, hope you get far. We pessimists eh, it's a way to be pleasantly suprised if you ask me

[Art Vandelay]

Nice 9mm, hope you get far. We pessimists eh, it's a way to be pleasantly eulogised if you ask me

Thanks man. :)

[Brutus]

I meant to write surprised, not eulogised. Wow, that could have changed the whole scentence

[Art Vandelay]

Freudian slip perhaps? Ha

Either way, I appreciated the comment.

[Brutus]

I think adding pleasantly to eulogised is redundant.

[Art Vandelay]

I think adding pleasantly to eulogised is redundant.

Unless the person was an asshole.

[Brutus]

Eulogised is to praise someone, so pleasantly praised...
I'll have to sleep on this one

[Yuppie Grinder]

I hope I don't come as a dick by saying this but I am so sick of my twin sister's temper tantrums. You'd think that by the age of 17 you could go a day without throwing a fit. I'm not devoid of empathy, but there is such a thing as a crybaby.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I can't stop wishing I would have died in the car accident

[Brutus]

I can't stop wishing I would have died in the car accident

Why? That's idiotic! You're a valued member of this forum, and this thread would be worse off without you

[Goblin]

One month without cutting! Lets see how much longer i can last.

[Art Vandelay]

One month without cutting! Lets see how much longer i can last.

Good for you man! I know its not easy, you should do something nice for yourself to celebrate.

[Ocean Seal]

I always feel like posting here, but I'm afraid that it'll be disregarded like me IRL.

[Let's Get Free]

I feel like I've been living in a prison for the first 19 years of my life

[Le Libérer]

Mardi Gras was fun!


https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/542411_586662726666_1078091452_n.jpg

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/376240_586662866386_440938946_n.jpg

[Art Vandelay]

I always feel like posting here, but I'm afraid that it'll be disregarded like me IRL.

You should post, there are plenty of people here who are willing to help. Its like a mini support section. I'm always willing to talk to others who need some help, I've been there and still am alot.

[Le Libérer]

I always feel like posting here, but I'm afraid that it'll be disregarded like me IRL.
I started reading and lurking on this forum in 2002. It wasnt until 2003 that I got the nerve up to make an account. It was months after before I posted. I was a mod 5 months after that. Each time I posted, I got more confidence.

I love Woody Allen and his quote, " 80 percent of success is showing up" is a quote that move me enough to put one foot in front of the other. It certainly did that when I applied it to posting here. That was 10 years ago.

I recommend it highly! :)

[Yuppie Grinder]

This e has me feeling like a sentinent cloud.

[Jesus Saves Gretzky Scores]

This e has me feeling like a sentinent cloud.

That sounds really cool.

[Yuppie Grinder]

That sounds really cool.

It is. I hear radio static and it's pretty as shit. Feels so based.

[Brutus]

Punched a racist in the face at school and now I'm in shit. I apparently have too extreme political views, and got the Stalin killed million/billions/trillions talk. All this, whilst the fascist gets off scot free

[Landsharks eat metal]

I always feel like posting here, but I'm afraid that it'll be disregarded like me IRL.
No, I don't think it's like that. IRL I'm like the least popular person around, but everyone loves me here for some reason.

[Art Vandelay]

No, I don't think it's like that. IRL I'm like the least popular person around, but everyone loves me here for some reason.

Cause you're awesome and a very nice person LEM. :)

[Leftsolidarity]

I got dumped because apparently I'm a druggy loser. Feels pretty awful.

[Art Vandelay]

I got dumped because apparently I'm a druggy loser. Feels pretty awful.

I'm very sorry to hear that man :( Keep your chin up though, it sucks for a while and then things will start to get better.

[Quail]

I got dumped because apparently I'm a druggy loser. Feels pretty awful.
I'm pretty low on useful words, but try to do something nice for yourself today (see a friend, watch your favourite movie, etc) and look after yourself. Don't be tempted to drown your sorrows too much because in my experience that makes everything worse.

[Leftsolidarity]

I planned to sit and smoke pot and let everything somehow figure itself out. Past that I have no idea what I'm doing with myself besides maybe now getting drunk at noon and wander round the ghetto.

I hope to not move out of my bed, though. Outside of my bed sucks. Maybe I'll go play more dice in the bathroom. TRASH BOAT!!!!

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I planned to sit and smoke pot and let everything somehow figure itself out. Past that I have no idea what I'm doing with myself besides maybe now getting drunk at noon and wander round the ghetto.

I hope to not move out of my bed, though. Outside of my bed sucks. Maybe I'll go play more dice in the bathroom. TRASH BOAT!!!!

Sounds like you have some thinking to do, and some relaxing to do; take it easy, let your emotions fly by the moment and do what you think it right. If it is any consolation you are not a loser; anyone should be glad to have you as their partner. I have met real losers and you are not one.

[Leftsolidarity]

I don't know how I've kept myself from just breaking down at this point

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I don't know how I've kept myself from just breaking down at this point

Breaking down involves a dramatic defeat, if you will and I think you are too strong to let that happen just yet. But even if it does just remember that it is not a note of shame but rather how you emotionally deal with longstanding traumatic events. I have felt its harsh sting before and came out better for it. Cannot promise it is the same for everyone, since we are all different, but I have faith that you will endure and learn how to be a better you (geez, I think I stole that line straight out of a movie! lol) :)

[Yuppie Grinder]

Feelings are terrible, I would not reccomend them.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I planned to sit and smoke pot and let everything somehow figure itself out. Past that I have no idea what I'm doing with myself besides maybe now getting drunk at noon and wander round the ghetto.

I hope to not move out of my bed, though. Outside of my bed sucks. Maybe I'll go play more dice in the bathroom. TRASH BOAT!!!!
What I would do in your situation is grab a friend, a couple of 40s, and walk the yard/layup [assuming there's one near you].


I know that feel.

[Capitalist Octopus]

I am very blah.
I can't seem to meet a girl I enjoy.
It seems to be a routine of meet them, hangout a couple times, have sex, and then I get bored and make some artificial ending which burns the bridges behind me.

There's obviously exceptions, but I'm doing this quite a bit.
And not really liking the people I'm meeting isn't preventing me from trying to sleep with them either. Which is ok because I'm always honest with them, but, it feels like I'm just spending time with them for a higher number?

Hmm...

[Leftsolidarity]

She now says she wants to stay with me?? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?! :cursing: