How important is 'coming out'?

[Zanthorus]

As a bit of background to this I am a bisexual male who has gone/is still going through the process of coming out publicly to my family and friends fairly recently. One thing I wasn't quite prepared for is how this would effect me and my own understanding of myself as much as other peoples understandings of me. Previously I'd considered it as kind of a nuisance to be honest, having to go through this whole awkward anxiety-ridden process of saying to the people around me that I was bi, they don't need to tell me they're straight so why should I have to tell them I'm not?

I won't get into why I decided to come out eventually, but I can definitely say that my perspective on the whole thing is slightly different now. After I first came out to my best friend I started to experience my sexuality in a different way. Previously I guess I kind of thought of myself as a man who was attracted to women but had a weird kink of being aroused by other men as well. But then when I told her, my friend that is, I started to see my attraction to men as a more legitimate side of myself, I began to embrace the possibility of being romantically and sexually involved with a male partner long term. And it felt good, I felt a lot of emotional tension and anxiety which I had previously melt away.

So I guess what I'm saying is my experience was that coming out in public was as important in my acceptance of myself as queer as just intellectually telling myself that my desires meant that I didn't really fit into a heterosexual identity, and I guess seeing that people would love and accept me the way I am was quite life-affirming too. And it saddens me that there are people out there for whom coming out is practically impossible because their friends and family would end up shunning them.

So yeah basically I feel right now that people who complain about lgbt people pushing their identity in people's faces or whatever are wrong and being able to come out to people is important for lgbt people to accept themselves. I guess many of you will agree with me and this post will be slightly redundant but it felt good to get that thought off my chest, and I'd be interested in other people's thoughts and experiences on the subject. And maybe encourage anyone out there who is thinking about coming out but currently nervous or on the fence to try it, if there's only one person you can trust with the information, that's the only person you need to tell, but sometimes it just feels so much better to get things off your chest :)

[Devrim]

My nephew came out recently. He went home and told his mother that he had been in a relationship with a man for two years. I spoke to an elderly relative about it who said it is a shame that even these days people feel afraid to say something like that, and end up living in hiding.

The thing that struck me about it was that people in our family, including his mother, are quite left leaning and cool with this sort of thing. I suppose when it comes to some things you don't know your own parents like people of their own generation know them though. Maybe he just didn't realise that it would be no problem. I feel quite sad that in a family like ours it took him two years though.

Devrim

[Zanthorus]

I think I can relate to that, to an extent. I haven't talked to my parents yet and they are the people I'm most anxious about telling. Rationally, I don't think I have much of a reason to be afraid, my parents have always been supportive and caring of me, and never given any indication of being homo/biphobic. But the possibility of rejection from my parents scares me a lot more than rejection from my friends - I mean I can always find new friends if my old ones aren't willing to accept me, but I'm stuck with my family for life. That's how I feel anyway.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I feel it is rather important since more visibility and knowledge about queer people means that the bigoted opposition cannot spread heinous lies about us, with great numbers of people believing them, as easy as before. I do not think it is the most important thing to do but it is still something that should be considered when you believe the time is correct for you.

Some coming out stories: http://www.chadzboyz.com/chadz/supportzone/coming-out-advice

Coming out guide: http://www.chadzboyz.com/chadz/coming-out-advice/217-chadzboyz-guide-coming-out

[Comrade #138672]

I think it is important as well. By exposing yourself in a patriarchal society like that, you are also forced to fight against all the prejudices that come with it. So you, kind of, 'automatically', at least in many cases, join the anti-(hetero)sexist struggle, which I think is a good thing.

But it may be too easy for me to say, since I'm, as far as I know, a heterosexual person. I assure you, though, that I expose myself in other ways, which makes (some) people turn against me.

[Zanthorus]

When I wrote this post I was thinking much more on a personal level than a political one which I guess is obvious from the content. And to be honest I'm not comfortable with politicising my sexuality, at least not by making the coming out process into some grand political statement or whatever. That comes across a bit like you're trying to use lgbt people to serve your ideology, and there could be pragmatic problems for some people with coming out in areas where discrimination and intolerance are rife. I think we should be thinking more in terms of helping to develop a society and culture that promotes the individuals need for free self-expression and activity than making individual heroic gestures and such.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

When I wrote this post I was thinking much more on a personal level than a political one which I guess is obvious from the content. And to be honest I'm not comfortable with politicising my sexuality, at least not by making the coming out process into some grand political statement or whatever. That comes across a bit like you're trying to use lgbt people to serve your ideology, and there could be pragmatic problems for some people with coming out in areas where discrimination and intolerance are rife. I think we should be thinking more in terms of helping to develop a society and culture that promotes the individuals need for free self-expression and activity than making individual heroic gestures and such.

Sexuality and politics are tightly intertwined. The only reason institutionalized homophobia exists is because of politics. Indeed it is nearly impossible to separate the two. Asserting your sexuality politically can be a handy tool in terms of fighting this institutionalized queerphobia.

Your coming out doesn't have to be dramatic, in fact, I reccemend it be as simple as it can be: don't announce it, just mention, "hey, I like [insert preference here]"

[Zanthorus]

Asserting your sexuality politically can be a handy tool in terms of fighting this institutionalized queerphobia.

I feel that this is asking for an emotionally rather than intellectually based politics though. Perhaps it is because I am not sure exactly what you are getting at, and also because I am coming from quite a different place politically, but I would feel uncomfortable using my sexuality as a lever in political argument. Personal experience by itself does not justify a political position, reason does. And I think anyone has the capacity to use their intelligence to see the benefits of a world where people are free to express their sexuality, not matter what their personal preference may be.

Perhaps it would help if you explained better what it means to assert ones sexuality politically, and what exactly this is supposed to do in terms of affecting heteronormative structures.


Your coming out doesn't have to be dramatic, in fact, I reccemend it be as simple as it can be: don't announce it, just mention, "hey, I like [insert preference here]"

I know this. I was responding to wecandobetter who seemed to be suggesting that coming out was some kind of political act.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I feel that this is asking for an emotionally rather than intellectually based politics though.

How so? To me ti would seem emotional to say something like,"by not supporting queer struggle you are endorsing genocide" or whatever. It seems quite logical in that when others understand that queer people exist, and are not like the bigot's propaganda claims, than some actual progress will be made even if it is not immediately apparent.


And I think anyone has the capacity to use their intelligence to see the benefits of a world where people are free to express their sexuality, not matter what their personal preference may be. Unfortunately many people do not. While they have the capacity, to be sure, they will likely never employ it. I heard from a friend that in Sri Lanka they still burn gay people at the stake, in America there are still constitutional bans on "gay marriage". Many people honestly believe anything other than heterosexual is an abomination; such people, obviously, are not going to see the benefits to a world where everyone is allowed to be themselves without discrimination.


Perhaps it would help if you explained better what it means to assert ones sexuality politically, and what exactly this is supposed to do in terms of affecting heteronormative structures.Become active in your local communities as an open Queer person. Do not hide your sexual attraction(s) or cloud them when discussion comes up. Assert as in: when lies and disinformation is spread you speak up. Remind those attacking the queer community that queer people are not some far away entity which seeks to undermine everything they hold dear, but rather, is a oppressed minority which lives normal everyday lives; make it clear that you are one such person and deserve the same standard of living as everyone else. This is what I mean by asserting one's self politically, this, in turns, affects the heteronormative power structure (however small it might be).

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

So yeah basically I feel right now that people who complain about lgbt people pushing their identity in people's faces or whatever are wrong and being able to come out to people is important for lgbt people to accept themselves.
Not to mention, heterosexuals are always shoving their identity in people's faces, but it's invisible to them because heterosexuality is still coded as "natural."

[Quail]

I think on a personal level it's quite unhealthy to have to hide something as big as your sexuality. I am bisexual and usually fairly straight with friends if it comes up in conversation, and I wouldn't want to hide it from my partner because it would probably come out eventually anyway and I imagine someone would feel quite upset/offended if they discovered their partner was afraid to tell them they were bisexual. I haven't told anyone in my family, because I worry about their reaction. On occasion they have come out with some pretty homophobic sounding stuff (like it's not natural or some rubbish) so I don't know what kind of reaction I'd get. I have a long-term male partner at the moment which I hope doesn't change any time soon because I love him to pieces, so although I can "pass" for straight it just bothers me that I don't dare get it off my chest.

On a different level, I think it's good for people to have positive images of lgbt people in their lives. There are loads of negative stereotypes around (honestly, so many people tell me they wouldn't go out with a bisexual woman because she'd cheat on them) so I think it's good to be living proof that those stereotypes are wrong.

[teflon_john]

i've been hiding my bi/pan-sexuality, even practicing erasure on myself for years. it's great, haha!

;~;

however, i told my girlfriend before we even started dating and she's cool with it. that definitely helped. plus the few comrades in the party i'm in are aware, and of course they're totally accepting of it. but nobody in my family/friend circle knows, so i lead a double life. the other day i even told myself something along the lines of "hey fuck 'coming out' anyway because that reinforces heteronormativity by an admitting that you stray from it."

[Sasha]

While I certainly do not hide me being queerish I sometimes wonder if I should be out more esp in the macho environment that's my work, on the one hand it feels weird to do more than not hide that side of me, I do wear shirts of obvious queer bands, I do tell colleagues of if they make homophobic remarks (always in good spirit though, while the security team is quite macho heteronormative we have lots of co-workers in the other teams who are openly gay and my fellow bouncers will go through fire for them) but I'm also already for 4 years in a opposite-sex relationship. I'm pretty sure I have a colleague who would be a lot happier if he would finaly leave the closet (if only for his wife and kids) but I dont know how much its my role to break him out if I can do not more than nudge him into the right way instead of traveling all the way with him.