jenny and me

[Avanti]

i grew up

as the only

brown kid

in an all-white town

as perfectly

wrapped up

and unassuming

as ideal 1950 societies

there were lots

of evangelicals

i was a sort

of pet

of the entire community

because

i was a lively brown kid

in a traditional

normative

boring

white community

it was non-authentic

always politeness

always offering me candy

then telling me

i was lucky

of being adopted

from lebanon

i was

a mischievous kid

always the clown

of the class

but yet

i started

to more

and more

feel anger

within myself

against the adult world

against their

bourgeois correctness

so

i started to feel

as if

this reality

wasn't real

was it just a dream?

in fact, was I really god?

then would I not determine

my own fate/faith?

there was this girl

jenny was her name

she went to my class

always sitting alone

at lunch

because

her mom

had given birth

outside of wedlock

it was a conservative community

she was poor

she wore ugly sweaters

and big glasses

she was tall

for being 10-11 years old

and skinny

nervously

peeking back and forth

for people

trusting snowballs back

behind her neck

the other girls

spread rumours

about her

that she used

to have sex

with a dog

she was pretty cute

skin white as milk

blonde hair

beautiful lips

sealed

in silence

maybe jenny

was a gate

towards

a bigger reality

a rite of passage

which had

to widen

my conception

of space

of time

at the end

of the 1990

year in school

i was in the fourth grade

we had a baseball match

with the parallel class

it was sunny

the sky was blue

there were no clouds

still a bit chilly (it was the middle of may)

i love sunshine

how it strokes the skin

i love the smell

of pine cones

of woods

of dust

it was during a break

i was about

to wield the bat

feel the warm wood

against my fingers

i went towards jenny

who stood alone as usual

she was dressed in ugly pinkish clothes

she was cute

i smiled towards her

she smiled towards me

her smile broke the sun

the next moment

she lied hutched

in a fetal position

on the ground

her hands covering

her face

red as a tomato

her glasses lied broken

next to her

she was crying

peacefully

beautifully

she had a small

wound

on the side

of her head

i later heard

she got

a brain concussion

following that

her mum and her mum's boyfriend

moved from the town

i never heard from jenny

since that

yet

she is the person

who determined

my life

until this day

because

i became an outcast

the black sheep

literal black sheep

of my community

and now

everyone

showed their

racism

in the open

despite

that everyone of them

every

single

one

of them

had hated jenny's family

who knows?

maybe it was good for them

that i beat her down?

because then they got a chance

to start anew

let me explain

my dad beat the crap out of me

so i spent the summer

planning my revenge

i accused him

of molesting me

it was false

but he was arrested

by police

due to a moral panic

about satanist pedophiles

his reputation

was ruined

when he was released

when it was shown

i had drawn

the accusations

from my ass

i had burnt all bridges

i had to drift

to become

one with the night

to become

Avanti

[hetz]

7/10 would read again.

[GoddessCleoLover]

Really disturbing. Ever consider that perhaps Jenny was traumatized by being hit by a baseball bat? Or suffered organic brain damage?

[Avanti]

Really disturbing. Ever consider that perhaps Jenny was traumatized by being hit by a baseball bat? Or suffered organic brain damage?

when i did that

i doubted

she was really real

that anything

apart from

my own senses

were real

i did not consider that

for many years

i had lots of other things

to consider

the conflict with my dad

getting caught

for shoplifting

running away

homelessness

anti-fascism

the raver culture

sex

it's first the last few years

i've started to wonder

where my life

diverted itself

and then

i returned back

to the jenny incident

and i thought

perhaps

the event

affected

her life

as much as mine?

i cannot say

i am not sorry

for what happened

but

there's nothing

to be done

about it

today

maybe

she got

permanent damage

maybe

she became anorectic

and took her own life

in an overcrowded

mental facility

a cold winter's night?

maybe she's married

have two kids

and is a doctor?

or a teacher?

or an academic?

i don't know

[GoddessCleoLover]

Your adoptive father certainly fucked up beating you rather than placing you in a treatment program. At that time, you needed professional help and instead were the target of violence. You and Jenny at least have that in common.

[Avanti]

my dad

was a christian

evangelical

he held

a distrust

for state institutions

i was placed

in the BUP

(child psychiatry unit)

in the autumn of 1990

when i wrongfully

accused

my dad

for molesting me

and later

revealed

it was a lie

in the summer

of 1991

i ran away

and then

i was actually

molested

by a dude

who offered

me a ride

home to his apartment

and after that

i was brought

into

an institution

for children

with mental/behavioral problems

of course

i ran away

helped

by a guy

who was 17 years old

and a convicted

drug dealer

i must admit

i actually

enjoyed

being beaten up by dad

because

every time

he sat on my chest

banging my head

against the floor

mom

almost got

an epilleptic seizure

and then

she started

to quarrel

with him instead

and i just had

to think

of bambi

or any other sad film

to start crying

[GoddessCleoLover]

Your dad had a "talent" for exacerbating the situation.

[l'Enfermé]

This gag has run its course I think, it's not funny anymore mate.

[Avanti]

even the macabre

the taboo

can hold

an intrinsic

beauty

[GoddessCleoLover]

You would do better to express remorse. I see no beauty in what happened to either you or Jenny.

[Avanti]

i do feel sorry

for what happened

but there

have been

dozens

of major

disasters

i caused

in my social relationships

i have hurt

so many

of my friends

who i loved

and you are wrong

hardships

either break us

or make us grow

we have grown

we are the survivors

as for jenny

maybe you have a point

should i

look through

my old school catalogue

find out her whereabouts

and appear

outside her door

with a pink plush elephant

holding on

to a plush heart

where it says

"i'm really sorry"?

does that

sound

like

a

great idea?

[GoddessCleoLover]

Not at all a great idea, as it could be misinterpreted as stalking. I hope you are not serious.

[Avanti]

Not at all a great idea, as it could be misinterpreted as stalking. I hope you are not serious.

no

i was

ironic

but who

knows

i am

a

strange creature

[GoddessCleoLover]

That would not be the way to demonstrate growth or remorse.

[Avanti]

remorse

is a dialogue

otherwise

it's just

misery wanking

i have no

reason

to feel

sorry

for myself

i do feel

sorry

for what i did

to jenny

back in fourth grade

my only way

of dealing with

my remorse

is to

admit

that

i did not

do it

because of "racism"

or because dad

hitting me

but i did

because

i had thought

about it

wanted to see

if the world was real

[GoddessCleoLover]

It does seem that you are sincerely remorseful although I don't understand the part about wanting to see if the world was real.

[Avanti]

not so much

reality

as social relations

you know

my primary

way

of getting

impulses

from the world

is through touch

all my memories

are touch-memories

i remember

how it felt

when my body

embroiled itself

in the water

of that lake

when i was seven years old

how the foam whipped

against my skin

which was boiled

by the hot summer sun

i remember

the feeling

of sitting

in my

adoptive grandma's

sofa

a blanket wrapped

around me

a hot stove to my right

sending heat signals

to my

right side

and half my face

how the warm

chocolate milk

gushed down

my mouth

and

the warm saffron buns

melting on my tongue

when i was nine

my brain

is a catalogue

of touch memories

you probably

have your memories

in sight

i have mine

in touch

i am like

jean-baptiste

grenouille

only

that i sense the world

by touching it

not smelling it

[Rafiq]

Let's put this romantic shit aside. Are you saying you attacked a girl with a baseball bat? Why?

[Avanti]

yes

because

i wanted

to find out

if human relations

were real

and not just

a stage performance

where everyone

pretended

to be kind

it was eerie

i was not

only

the pet

of my parents

but of

the entire town

they liked

to invite me

home to

birthday dinners

no matter

if i knew the kids

or not

and many of

the older people

wanted me

home at

their houses

to eat cookies

they were

always smiling

showering me

with devotion

but i

started to suspect

the reason

was

because

of my

skin color

that by

treating me

nice

they

tried

to rub me

in the face

with their

superiority

like if i

was a

tame monkey

my guess

was correct

the moment

after

i hit that girl

the entire

community

turned

against me

[Questionable]

No, I'm pretty sure people started disliking you because you attacked a girl with a baseball bat, not because of your skin color.

[Avanti]

No, I'm pretty sure people started disliking you because you attacked a girl with a baseball bat, not because of your skin color.

well

it did

not

take long

before

people called

racial slurs

after me

and even

blamed

my parents

for getting

me over

from

"ali baba land"

[ÑóẊîöʼn]

Because a truly effective way of challenging people's prejudices can only be achieved by smacking someone about the head with a fucking baseball bat, right?

Maybe the folks of that place were a small-town, parochial bunch having not much if any personal experience with those not like them. So fucking what? Do you want a fucking gold star for not being like them?

[Avanti]

what i

wanted to see

was whether

they still

would like

me

if they did

i would

for certain

know

that my life

was a dream

[ÑóẊîöʼn]

Why didn't you use the fucking baseball bat on your own stupid thick head? Why did you have to drag others into your psychotic little experiment?

[GoddessCleoLover]

Now that you are an adult I hope you realize that battering a girl with a baseball bat was bound to make you an outcast.

[Avanti]

Why didn't you use the fucking baseball bat on your own stupid thick head? Why did you have to drag others into your psychotic little experiment?

it was such

a moment

where

you have

to do it

i felt

compelled

one of my

thoughts

was to stop

but my urge

was stronger

than me

my urge

to navigate

where

no one

in my town

had gone

before

a part of me

tried

to stop me

suggested

i should

give her

a hug

instead

but the

baseball bat

was stronger

i still

wonder

what would

have happened

if i

would have

given her

a hug

instead?

[Raúl Duke]

:mellow::huh::blink:

[#FF0000]

i think everyone has done something horrible to another person. maybe not everyone hit someone with a bat in fourth grade to see if the whole solipsism thing holds any water, but I think it's p. clear that avanti isn't bragging about what he did then or anything.

I get the whole "that is fucked up" reaction people have to it (we've all been bullied obvs) but at the same time, like I said, we've all done horrible things to other people in our lives.

e: still fucked up tho and the whole "i wonder what would have happened if i had just hugged her instead?" post made me extremely sad.

[Drosophila]

2deep4me

[Rafiq]

Fine, we get it, you were emotionally unstable. Of all the scum in this town of yours, if you truly had to hit someone with a baseball bat over the head... Why this 'Jenny' girl? If what you say is correct, I don't buy that you hit her over the head because "you wanted to see if she was real". In honesty Avanti it sounded like you were trying to impress your fellow students but miserably failed. And I'm not blaming you, if the problems you say you went through indeed were factual it's clear that you were subject to a mental condition of sorts (and still are). Just don't try to romanticize this shit, Avanti, as a matter of fact, don't share this shit with us on the internet.

[Avanti]

Fine, we get it, you were emotionally unstable. Of all the scum in this town of yours, if you truly had to hit someone with a baseball bat over the head... Why this 'Jenny' girl? If what you say is correct, I don't buy that you hit her over the head because "you wanted to see if she was real". In honesty Avanti it sounded like you were trying to impress your fellow students but miserably failed. And I'm not blaming you, if the problems you say you went through indeed were factual it's clear that you were subject to a mental condition of sorts (and still are). Just don't try to romanticize this shit, Avanti, as a matter of fact, don't share this shit with us on the internet.

i had not planned

to hit

anyone

with a baseball bat

for weeks

precisely

but

i had thought

some weeks earlier

when i lied

on my

cotton pillow

that how would

it be

if i did

something bad?

i did not

really

make

a conscious

decision

to hit jenny

it was

that the sun

broke into

her hair

so beautifully

and she looked

so sad

and i held

a baseball bat

and i decided

to do

a random thing

and yes

sometimes

i did

random things

for impressing

on my classmates

but the reason

for this

was really

to see

if i could

transcend reality

when jenny lied

down there

peaceful

crying

i felt

a weird mixture

between

intense relief

for my action

and sadness

for her pain

i wanted to

move down

comfort her

stroke her

over the shoulder

but the sun

was shining

in my face

my classmates

assembled

i an ring around

jenny

one or two

of them

asked

what had happened

the rest

were quiet

the moment after

the gymnastics teacher

had snatched me

on my shoulder

dragging me

to the office

of the principal

i did barely

notice

i felt

wonderful

and

awful

at the same time

strange beings

are we?

are we not?

[GoddessCleoLover]

Perhaps some of these thoughts would be better to express confidentially to a therapist than openly on the internet.

[Yet_Another_Boring_Marxist]

So, ya'll finally discovered that Avanti is a troll?

Took long enough

[GoddessCleoLover]

IMO Avanti is attempting to participate in this forum in good faith. I don't see this as a troll thread, I just think that Avanti would do better to seek closure and healing about this matter elsewhere.

[Lynx]

For some, it took 436 posts.

[black magick hustla]

so not only you are a wannabe beatnik, but also a violent sociopath that's cool

[ÑóẊîöʼn]

i still

wonder

what would

have happened

if i

would have

given her

a hug

instead?

Even if she had taken the gesture the wrong way, the outcome would have been better than any from a physical assault.

I strongly suggest that next time you get any desires, urges or compulsions to hurt someone else who has not struck you first, that you resist them with every fibre of your being.

Take it from a life-long avoider of physical conflict, your life will go so much better if people have no reason to suspect that you might one day haul off and cave their heads in with a blunt instrument.

Behaviour and reputation does matter. People who get to know me come to trust me because they know I won't attempt to use their moments of weakness to physically dominate them or emotionally blackmail them. Do you know how good it feels to have that kind of trust, to nurture it and watch it grow?