Pour Your Heart Out 15

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Let it all out, easy now.

(Lets try and keep the complaining about the lack of Roman numerals to a minimum.lol)

Link to the old thread: http://www.revleft.com/vb/pour-your-heart-t172225/index13.html

[Igor]

Can't get any sleep, sucks.

[Art Vandelay]

Fucking regular numbe....oh never mind.

[Leftsolidarity]

Roman numerals or die!!!11!!1!1 :cursing:

But anywho, to what (I forget ur new name but I know it was Canius) said about a girlfriend moving in.

Yeah, I'm a little worried about that too but were both really laid back about shit so I feel like we won't get on each others nerves too much or anything like that. We both have our own lives too which I think will help keep things from being like "wtf all I do is sit around with you".

Idk, though. Never really done this before so I'm not sure how it'll go down. Kinda nervous but excited at the same time.

[Quail]

It would be okay if it had been normal numbers from the beginning, but now the threads don't match which really irritates me for some reason. I like things to match.

I really don't know how to feel at the moment. I can go from contemplating suicide to laughing at everything as though I'm stoned or something in a day. I was going to go to a doctor about a few things, mostly anxiety-related stuff, but I don't think there's any point. Either I won't be taken seriously or I'll be offered medication which I don't want. I lied to my parents and said I was doing okay without my medication, but I'm not really. It's just second nature to me to lie and say everything is fine, and it's like my brain isn't connected to my mouth. I can be there with someone, thinking of all these things that I need to say but all that comes out of my mouth is, "I'm fine." Therapy seems a little pointless because I can talk logically about what I should do, how I should feel until the cows come home but I can't apply any of it in practice. I need to learn to cope with my feelings before I can work on the underlying issues which have affected my mental health all of these years, but that just seems impossible. I just don't get how to move forward. I may as well just accept that I'll never get any better.

Sorry for the ramble. It's late.

[Robespierres Neck]

I've missed you guys. I'm back. I hope Negative Creep remembers me.

[Landsharks eat metal]

It would be okay if it had been normal numbers from the beginning, but now the threads don't match which really irritates me for some reason. I like things to match.

I really don't know how to feel at the moment. I can go from contemplating suicide to laughing at everything as though I'm stoned or something in a day. I was going to go to a doctor about a few things, mostly anxiety-related stuff, but I don't think there's any point. Either I won't be taken seriously or I'll be offered medication which I don't want. I lied to my parents and said I was doing okay without my medication, but I'm not really. It's just second nature to me to lie and say everything is fine, and it's like my brain isn't connected to my mouth. I can be there with someone, thinking of all these things that I need to say but all that comes out of my mouth is, "I'm fine." Therapy seems a little pointless because I can talk logically about what I should do, how I should feel until the cows come home but I can't apply any of it in practice. I need to learn to cope with my feelings before I can work on the underlying issues which have affected my mental health all of these years, but that just seems impossible. I just don't get how to move forward. I may as well just accept that I'll never get any better.

Sorry for the ramble. It's late.
I know exactly what you mean. I lie so much, pretending I'm doing okay that sometimes I manage to fool myself. It just seems fucking worthless to even live.

nothing matters and i've forgotten how to care because the only thing that ever happens is people tell me I'm wrong for feeling and fuck it all who cares nobody but there's nothing i can do

i can't breathe because just thinking about how i'm a terrible worthless person who is only good for inflicting pain on myself and others and this is all I ever say here so i probably annoy the fuck out of everyoneinthis thread because i refuse to listen because i just can't because i'm too stupid to realize how i'm not worthless because i am or am i i don't know but i think people would have liked me if i weren't and not jsut because they feel bad for me god i'm so sick somebody tell me how to kill myself because i still haven't figured it out.

[Quail]

I don't think you annoy people here. It's hard to take on board positive stuff when you feel worthless. People tell me that they like me, care about me, they think I'm interesting, they don't think I'm fat, etc. but I don't believe them. There's nothing wrong with feeling. I don't know what the circumstances are, but your feelings are valid and you shouldn't let people make you feel that they aren't. I actually booted up my laptop to type this instead of using my phone because it's hard to type on a phone. I'm pretty rambly, sorry. I just binged and purged on cider and crisps so I'm kind of drunk as well as feeling out of it from puking. It's just so easy to convince yourself that all your negative thoughts are true and ignore all the evidence to the contrary and it sucks to see you feeling so bad. This


i can't breathe because just thinking about how i'm a terrible worthless person who is only good for inflicting pain on myself and others and this is all I ever say here so i probably annoy the fuck out of everyoneinthis thread because i refuse to listen because i just can't because i'm too stupid to realize how i'm not worthless because i am or am i i don't know but i think people would have liked me if i weren't and not jsut because they feel bad for me god i'm so sick somebody tell me how to kill myself because i still haven't figured it out. is like something I could have posted and I hate to think that other people feel as bad as or worse than I do. Feel better LEM.

[Lanky Wanker]

PYHO threads are great when you can actually put your feelings into words... I don't even have anything to say. I'm in one of those prison cell psychology moods at the moment. Went to this connexions place today to get advice about finding an apprenticeship which sort of made me feel less hopeless, but I just can't be bothered worrying about it anymore. Anyway, the lady I had my appointment with was really nice. They give out free condoms there; as if I don't have enough of the whole penis and vagina thing floating around my face already (not literally).

[MotherCossack]

well.... it happened!!!!
we moved!!!!
i am never, never, ever moving again..... ever again.... no, no.... me stay put!!!!
me want to stick to me lickle spot.... right here.... til i drop dead!!!!!

i am bereft!
i want to go home!!!!
this house is wierd..... i want my own mad messy magical old flat instead!!!
you can take the garden and the 2 extra broom cupboards.... i mean bedrooms..... and stick them up your bum!!!!

[PC LOAD LETTER]

It would be okay if it had been normal numbers from the beginning, but now the threads don't match which really irritates me for some reason. I like things to match.

I really don't know how to feel at the moment. I can go from contemplating suicide to laughing at everything as though I'm stoned or something in a day. I was going to go to a doctor about a few things, mostly anxiety-related stuff, but I don't think there's any point. Either I won't be taken seriously or I'll be offered medication which I don't want. I lied to my parents and said I was doing okay without my medication, but I'm not really. It's just second nature to me to lie and say everything is fine, and it's like my brain isn't connected to my mouth. I can be there with someone, thinking of all these things that I need to say but all that comes out of my mouth is, "I'm fine." Therapy seems a little pointless because I can talk logically about what I should do, how I should feel until the cows come home but I can't apply any of it in practice. I need to learn to cope with my feelings before I can work on the underlying issues which have affected my mental health all of these years, but that just seems impossible. I just don't get how to move forward. I may as well just accept that I'll never get any better.

Sorry for the ramble. It's late.
I can relate. Since I stopped taking my antidepressants, I've managed to put up a facade of "I'm fine", which is more-or-less convincing. In reality, I'm at a baseline of "depressed" 24/7. I range from "slightly less depressed" to suicidal with sporadic fiery rage (although I'm not violent, it manifests more as me just clenching my jaw and not speaking, and occasionally mouthing off). It's extremely hard for me to tell ANYBODY how I actually feel at any point in time, and even found myself telling my therapist (when I was still going) shit like "I'm feeling a little better" just because that's what they wanted to hear.

I should also mention (I've mentioned it before here) that I was less stable on antidepressants than I am now and was before.

In short, I have no constructive advice; just saying I'm in a similar boat, paddling in a circle ...

[Ele'ill]

http://mattogle.com/fin/letsgoexploring_sm.jpg

[Art Vandelay]

http://mattogle.com/fin/letsgoexploring_sm.jpg

I love Calvin and Hobbes so much. :)

[Landsharks eat metal]

Why am I so unlovable?
I can't get anyone to like me but I get attracted to other people so fast and sometimes it's only because they actually talk to me and are nice to me. There was this one guy in my ethics class who sat right behind me and was funny, smart, and moderately cute, and I'll never see him again but I'm still thinking about him, even though he'd probably never see me as male and would probably never be able to love me either way and he's probably straight anyway, but he talked to me almost every class, so that piqued my interest.

I don't want to fall in love with people just because they talk to me. That's fucked up. But I'm looking for something different, something I will never find

[¿Que?]

Why am I so unlovable?
I can't get anyone to like me but I get attracted to other people so fast and sometimes it's only because they actually talk to me and are nice to me. There was this one guy in my ethics class who sat right behind me and was funny, smart, and moderately cute, and I'll never see him again but I'm still thinking about him, even though he'd probably never see me as male and would probably never be able to love me either way and he's probably straight anyway, but he talked to me almost every class, so that piqued my interest.

I don't want to fall in love with people just because they talk to me. That's fucked up. But I'm looking for something different, something I will never find
Look, man, I've told you this before. You need to get out of your own head. Instead of being so concerned with how you're coming across, you should consider that the people you are interacting with might be going through something similar. So if you want to make meaningful connections with people, you should put less focus on trying to get positive affirmation from them, and put a little more effort in providing it for others.

This site is a great way to practice that. Read through some other people's posts, get a sense of what they're going through, and try to offer some advice, relevant personal experience, or anything you deem helpful. Then see if you can translate that to your experiences outside the internet.

At this point, you've posted so many self deprecating comments, and this community has provided you with so much support and encouragement, I really think this strategy has outlived its usefulness. It's time for you to take the next step, and be there for someone else, rather than expect and wait for the world to be there for you.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but the last time I mentioned this, you completely ignored me...

[Admiral Swagmeister G-Funk]

My mother was with an abusive psychopath for years who physically, mentally and emotionally abused her and myself for the duration, this was my adolescence basically. My younger brother left because of this and my older brother has been in a residential care home for disabled people since before all of this, but I stayed out of solidarity with my mother. I finally got her to escape by forcing her to leave her home (rented) and stay with my father until the guy left, which he did after staying in the home for about 2 weeks, before stealing most of her stuff and destroying the stuff that he didn't take (clothes etc). I couldn't even begin to describe the horror that my mother went through in this period, some of the most fucked up things I've ever heard and I wouldn't say that these are '1st world problems' or anything. It gets as bad as whatever comes before murder in my understanding.

This all tortures me every day of my life in itself and always will but that isn't what's making me write this now, as I could probably write about it every night if it were purely down to my own misery. What gets me is the fact that sick fucks like him are still walking the streets, despite my mother reporting all of this to the pigs and even getting an injunction out on him - this guy is still around, he recently attacked someone who knows my mother for no apparent reason other than that they were acquainted. This was a random, sneak attack in daylight in which the poor bastard was caught off-guard and suffered serious injuries. Despite this, the sicko has been persistent in harassment, including creating fake facebook profiles of my mother, threatening me, her friends and her boyfriend and doing god knows what else.

What brings the greatest tear to my eye is the fact that there are other, naive, insecure and impressionable women that will end up victim to him and others like him, because he walks free despite essentially destroying a woman, my mother, and many others, as well as breaking up families and the like. It is never the victim's fault in these instances but always those who prey on individuals for their own 'gains' (not only sadistic gratification but also economic gain, as was the case with my mother and many others like her).

I feel sick because this is the case and it's the case for so many people right now. Sometimes I wonder what the point is. I can find solace in abstract political and social theories which can provide some sort of faint light at the end of this horrible tunnel but, when reality presents itself, there's nothing but sickness and despair. People never understand so I don't really talk about it, this kind of thing just eats away at your heart. Nothing could ever undo those years, I just hope that there will one day be a world in which these horrors are a distant, disgusting memory.

[MotherCossack]

ok...... ok....
this place aint that bad......
except that the bleeding front door is about 19mm by 3mm and lets no human furniture in!!!!!!!
so.... currently we have a front garden full of perfectly reasonable sized lovely, necessary, attractive and not unwanted furniture!!!!!
so are frequently fending off chancers and eagle-eyed pedestrians who fancy a bit of my stuff.........
what to do..... what to do????
cut the legs off and cut it all in half....?

[Le Rouge]

The godless utopian just don't know roman numerals...

[Landsharks eat metal]

Look, man, I've told you this before. You need to get out of your own head. Instead of being so concerned with how you're coming across, you should consider that the people you are interacting with might be going through something similar. So if you want to make meaningful connections with people, you should put less focus on trying to get positive affirmation from them, and put a little more effort in providing it for others.

This site is a great way to practice that. Read through some other people's posts, get a sense of what they're going through, and try to offer some advice, relevant personal experience, or anything you deem helpful. Then see if you can translate that to your experiences outside the internet.

At this point, you've posted so many self deprecating comments, and this community has provided you with so much support and encouragement, I really think this strategy has outlived its usefulness. It's time for you to take the next step, and be there for someone else, rather than expect and wait for the world to be there for you.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but the last time I mentioned this, you completely ignored me...

I didn't ignore you. Well, at least I didn't try to. The problem with what you say is that I can't really help with a lot of people's problems. If I can't fix my own, how can I help anybody else? I can't even identify with a lot of people's problems because for the most part, I am just stuck at home all alone. I never really talk to anybody outside the internet other than my family, because I'm scared to. I really don't mean to bring in the self deprecating comments again, but how I feel about myself is part of the reason I can't do things. Because I know I'm worthless. I've tried to give advice to people, but I always feel like I'm just going to fuck things up worse for them; fucking up is what I'm good at.

[#FF0000]

If I can't fix my own, how can I help anybody else?

Fixing your own problems isn't a per-requisite for helping others. This is kind of up there with those things people say like "U HAV 2 LUV URSELF B4 U LUV SOM1 ELSE" and that is nonsense because everyone is damaged goods.

it's not like you need to reach self-actualization to help others/love/be loved.


I can't even identify with a lot of people's problems because for the most part, I am just stuck at home all alone

You sound like me!

Everyone's feels alone and worthless and desperate at times. I don't think I need to tell you that even though all our struggles are different in shape and form, they're the same on some fundamental level.


Because I know I'm worthless

Nah you're not.


I've tried to give advice to people, but I always feel like I'm just going to fuck things up worse for them;

Nah you won't -- and often people aren't looking for advice so much as looking for someone to listen to them and empathize with them.


fucking up is what I'm good at.

Your experiences are valuable and you can help other people even if you feel like you can't help yourself (like so many of us often do)

[Per Levy]

If I can't fix my own, how can I help anybody else?

what #ff0000 said really, you have so many people who have problems, who have "unfixed" or broken lives and still can and do help others. you dont need to have a "perfect" or even "normal" live to be helpful. just do your best and you'll do fine.


everyone is damaged goods

so true.

[Goblin]

Sorry i havent been posting much here lately. Ive been on vacation in Sweden.

Ive been on the anti deperssants for about 2 months and i feel pretty decent. As i believe i have mentioned on here before, my anxiety is pretty much gone. My depression on the other hand is still here.

As a matter of fact, one of the first things i did when i came home from my vacation was to cut. The cuts werent deep or anything, just 3-4 small cuts to calm myself down.

[¿Que?]

I didn't ignore you. Well, at least I didn't try to. The problem with what you say is that I can't really help with a lot of people's problems. If I can't fix my own, how can I help anybody else? I can't even identify with a lot of people's problems because for the most part, I am just stuck at home all alone. I never really talk to anybody outside the internet other than my family, because I'm scared to. I really don't mean to bring in the self deprecating comments again, but how I feel about myself is part of the reason I can't do things. Because I know I'm worthless. I've tried to give advice to people, but I always feel like I'm just going to fuck things up worse for them; fucking up is what I'm good at.
Pretty much what #FF0000 and Per Levy has said. I don't know, we all have our unique issues, but I think fundamentally we all share something common, the human condition, that existential-nothing-really-matters-it's-all-meaningless-anyway realization that if we dwell on it too much can make our lives seemingly unlivable.

The advice I gave you, though, comes from personal experience. This is something I realized about myself a while ago. Like you, I would spend a lot of time hating myself, and seeking therapists and loved ones to contradict me and tell me I was of worth and lovable.

But then I realized how other people were going through things, and I began to experiment in the way I interacted with people. I made a concerted effort to reduce the amount of comments I made about myself and try to ask questions about the people I was talking to, to get them to talk about themselves. This had a tremendous impact on my social life, mostly I think, because the people I was interacting with would see me as someone they could trust, or talk to, or would listen or something. IDK, it's possible all that really changed was me, and my own attitude about myself, since by expressing concern and interest in others, I began to see myself more in a positive light for some reason.

I really don't want to spend too much time analyzing why this worked for me. Also, I don't want to hype it up as if it solved all my problems and I am now living in an emotional utopia. I still have issues, I still get depressed, and sometimes I even feel like I spend so much time concerned for other people's feelings and lives that it isn't being reciprocated to the extent I would like. So maybe watch out for that. Still, it does help to change ones perspective in such a manner, if for anything, to focus on something other than your depression, to see yourself as just somebody in the world, no more or less lovable than anybody else.

Give it a shot. :)

A good place to start is when someone asks you, "How are you?" After you tell them how you are, make sure to ask "And how are you doing?" Baby steps...

[¿Que?]

Sorry i havent been posting much here lately. Ive been on vacation in Sweden.

Ive been on the anti deperssants for about 2 months and i feel pretty decent. As i believe i have mentioned on here before, my anxiety is pretty much gone. My depression on the other hand is still here.

As a matter of fact, one of the first things i did when i came home from my vacation was to cut. The cuts werent deep or anything, just 3-4 small cuts to calm myself down.
I don't know, this cutting thing I could never understand, although I've known I few. I smoke pot and compulsively masturbate, but whatever, right?, to each his own...

Anyway, I don't want to tell you get off your meds, but personally I don't hold much faith in them. What really matters is having a good counselor, and if possible, a good support network in general. Counselors can be a bit hacky sometimes, and can actually make matters worse if they're not sensitive enough, give too much cookie cutter advice, or don't really take the time to understand where you're coming from. The best counselors, in my opinion, usually focus on lgbt and cultural issues, and it's likely they'll see you even if neither really applies to you.

Good luck, get better, and stop cutting (if you can)!

[Luc]

Sorry i havent been posting much here lately. Ive been on vacation in Sweden.

Ive been on the anti deperssants for about 2 months and i feel pretty decent. As i believe i have mentioned on here before, my anxiety is pretty much gone. My depression on the other hand is still here.

As a matter of fact, one of the first things i did when i came home from my vacation was to cut. The cuts werent deep or anything, just 3-4 small cuts to calm myself down.

welcome back! hope u had good vacation :) glad to hear anxiety is gone.

[#FF0000]

guess who is looking fresh as heck in a shirt that is two full sizes down from the shirts i wore 4 months ago

[Leftsolidarity]

guess who is looking fresh as heck in a shirt that is two full sizes down from the shirts i wore 4 months ago

The subway guy?

[#FF0000]

whoops that post was meant for the other thread (please move them mod)

also no it's me

[¿Que?]

So usually I'm sort of this hypercritical person who finds fault with everything. Sometimes, however, sometimes I get kind of wacky manic and everything everybody says and does seems so great, and resonates so deep with me, I don't know what to think. Maybe it's like a tiny acid flashback where the whole world looks beautiful or something, and I just don't measure up to all the beauty, talent, and intelligence out there. Sometimes...

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, so, I come home to two letters.

The first is from the bank trying to cook up some fraudlant over-draft fees but the second one is what pisses me off the most. Apparently when I was arrested for solicitation the cops decided to be complete assholes and give me all these added on fees so now I have to pay 600+ usd to some bumfuck boro for no damn reason, when I wasn't fucking doing anything wrong. What the actual fuck.

[MotherCossack]

oh dear!!!!!

i feel bloody awful!!!!!

a big dark, ominous, malevolent cloud....

has descended upon me.....

obscuring the view and dulling the light....

my judgement is heavily compromised and my performance worsens.....

i have lost my way and forgotten why.....

i can see no path and am scared to try....

nobody is watching, i have driven them away......

if i could follow i probably would......

who wants to sit with me......????

[Leftsolidarity]

For someone I tried to have no emotinonal attachment to I sure have a fuck of a lot of emotions that come to me when I think of them. I can't tell if it's because I hate them or miss them or just enjoyed the time we had together. It's over and it's over for good. I knew it would happen but I never expected it to be the way it was.

I can't decide whether it was a massive waste of my time and something that I should have never pursued or if it was a great way to spend my time and was living I the moment. How did it end up being for half a year? How the fuck did it end up being basically the foundation for my senior year? Why the fuck do I miss such a fucked up situation so much? How did an emotionless hook-up become a 6 month "committed" relationship with thoughts of the future?

God damn semi-drunk ramblings.

I need to move on and think I have for the most part. Maybe not.

[Kotze]

I never really talk to anybody outside the internet other than my family, because I'm scared to.I prefer text-based communication, so I tell people I meet outside the internet to email me :cool:

http://mattogle.com/fin/letsgoexploring_sm.jpgWhat kid talks like that. You know what that reminds me of? Some time ago there was an adult who looked like a kid and pretended to be one and went to school with kids, was a pedophile I think.

Well anyway, enjoy your comics.

[NoOneIsIllegal]

I don't even know what to think after this last night.
The last 12 hours I still need to wrap my head around.
I need some time to think about this.
Maybe I'll write a more detailed post about it after I get some insight on it.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm trying not to just come in here and feel sorry for myself all the time, but I just keep thinking and realizing that the only reason I haven't killed myself is that I don't want to go to the hospital again (which will happen if I fuck up, which I will). If I moved out right now, I'd find a way to make sure I didn't have to check in with anybody for a while and then keep trying to kill myself until I succeeded. I'm just freaking out because I thought I'd find something that was worth living for, but I don't think there's anything

[Art Vandelay]

What kid talks like that.

That is part of the humor.

[Art Vandelay]

I'm just freaking out because I thought I'd find something that was worth living for, but I don't think there's anything

The movement.

[Yuppie Grinder]

Welshy got banned. I swear this site has the worst moderation/administration of any internet community I've ever been a part of, and that includes 4chan when I was younger.

[Landsharks eat metal]

The movement.

Yeah, but I can't be involved as much as I'd like to. If I could, I'd love to just devote my life to revolution and not give a shit about anything else because that's really all I need, but I don't see myself ever having the ability to do that.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

I'm trying not to just come in here and feel sorry for myself all the time, but I just keep thinking and realizing that the only reason I haven't killed myself is that I don't want to go to the hospital again (which will happen if I fuck up, which I will). If I moved out right now, I'd find a way to make sure I didn't have to check in with anybody for a while and then keep trying to kill myself until I succeeded. I'm just freaking out because I thought I'd find something that was worth living for, but I don't think there's anything

I know this is Revleft and the internet but you always have me bro, always, I'm just a PM away. I mean, you helped me out when I needed it and trust me, with my life, it's hard to fight the urge to just paint the walls so I know where you're coming from. I'm serious though, just PM.

[Jesus Saves Gretzky Scores]

I know this isn't as bad a problem as others, but why not.

I'm really anxious about school starting. I hate it so much. I spent a lot of my summer worrying about school starting. I still have 2 years. :crying:

AND I was going to see Propagandhi, on their new tour, but the show was sold out, and 17+:sneaky:

[Yuppie Grinder]

can't wait to see what my punishment is for calling CotR a silly goose
we we we so excited

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

can't wait to see what my punishment is for calling CotR a silly goose
we we we so excited

Say wah boi? We can't be having the vanguard of swag comrades be getting punishments now.

[Hermes]

can't wait to see what my punishment is for calling CotR a silly goose
we we we so excited

I think the way it works is that you don't get punished because it was too soon after the fact, so they get tolerance points for being lenient.

--

I'm fairly new though, so I might not understand fully how it works.

[Yuppie Grinder]

I think the way it works is that you don't get punished because it was too soon after the fact, so they get tolerance points for being lenient.

--

I'm fairly new though, so I might not understand fully how it works.

I wouldn't call the administration here lenient...

[¿Que?]

I think the way it works is that you don't get punished because it was too soon after the fact, so they get tolerance points for being lenient.

--

I'm fairly new though, so I might not understand fully how it works.
It's possible. But sometimes we have these purges. So a lot of people get banned or restricted in a short amount of time. Really sort of depends. If it's just one annoying user, then it would play out int the way you say. On the other hand, if that user is symbolic or pivotal to a larger trend, then that banning leads to more drama, and a bunch of people get the axe. Something like that I guess.

[¿Que?]

I'm trying not to just come in here and feel sorry for myself all the time, but I just keep thinking and realizing that the only reason I haven't killed myself is that I don't want to go to the hospital again (which will happen if I fuck up, which I will). If I moved out right now, I'd find a way to make sure I didn't have to check in with anybody for a while and then keep trying to kill myself until I succeeded. I'm just freaking out because I thought I'd find something that was worth living for, but I don't think there's anything
That's totally ok. I'm not telling you to stop posting about your issues, and getting help from people. I'm not trying to drive you away or silence you. It's a slow process anyway, like a drug, you will need to let go little by little. Indeed, I may have underestimated your contributions in the first place. Clearly, Vox feels you are a valuable user that supports others and can be relied upon. Also, you are basically leading the resistance against the bot invasion. So, if you feel you are fine and are progressing, and revleft is simply a place that you rely on to help that process, that's totally ok and cool.

The idea that you have nothing to live for is an emotional expression. Understand that it has no basis in reality. Vox, myself and many others (possibly your family) would care and notice that you were gone. You can at least live for us, because your existence makes our lives that much more tolerable, that much more livable. Your existence and the relationships, bonds and connections we have created with you. So take that into consideration.

Peace, and hope you feel better. Do something nice for yourself, eat some chocolate, smoke a doobie, pull the pud, or just lay in bed all day. Maybe try to get a little pleasure, and then come back here and tell us about it.

[Zukunftsmusik]

we we we so excited

thank you, now I have that song stuck in my head

[Jazzratt]

I'm really anxious about school starting. I hate it so much. I spent a lot of my summer worrying about school starting. I still have 2 years. :crying:
I'm in a similar boat. Well, I'm worried about going to an educational institute at the very least. The reason though is that I'm 24 and starting a university course so it feels, in a lot of ways, like my last chance to make something of my life. Also I keep getting hit with the feeling that the course I chose was "punching above my weight" intellectually speaking (Biomedical Science) and that everything I did in order to get into university as an adult was just some kind of elaborate fraud and I'm going to be unmasked as some sort of dullard psuedointellectual within the first few lectures.

[Ostrinski]

Heartache is that very worst of condition of human existence. Something that cannot be prepared for when first felt, nor something that that is ever truly shed. And by the time you learn to adapt, you're already past halfway dead, so that while you might have some reollection of the person you once were, it expresses itself through a half smirk that only conveys your acceptance that you will never, ever be the same again.

Sigh.

[Hermes]

I wouldn't call the administration here lenient...

I agree, completely. I was answering through their view (or attempting to).


It's possible. But sometimes we have these purges. So a lot of people get banned or restricted in a short amount of time. Really sort of depends. If it's just one annoying user, then it would play out int the way you say. On the other hand, if that user is symbolic or pivotal to a larger trend, then that banning leads to more drama, and a bunch of people get the axe. Something like that I guess.

I agree, but for some reason (maybe I just have a closer connection to this forum because almost everyone here at least agrees in a general fashion) this forum seems to have less symbolic members to me (not in the negative sense that no one is important, but in the positive sense that no one is more important than anyone else). I probably just haven't been here long enough to notice them, though.

[¿Que?]

I agree, but for some reason (maybe I just have a closer connection to this forum because almost everyone here at least agrees in a general fashion) this forum seems to have less symbolic members to me (not in the negative sense that no one is important, but in the positive sense that no one is more important than anyone else). I probably just haven't been here long enough to notice them, though.
Yeah, well I don't really keep up with the drama. Shit just seems to come out of nowhere, and it's always some thread I'm not following, some offense I didn't catch, some nuanced insult, and I'm like trying to catch up to what happened by reading old posts, then the next thing I know more people getting banned and then blam, you know, the board just isn't the same. I saw it happen on another one, Marxmail, where Rosa something or other ended up getting kicked out of there too. It's people looking to gain influence and power...sometimes they succeed, sometimes they're booted out of the party.

[MotherCossack]

cor blimey......
am i fed up or what?????
this is nasty.....
me feel truly
sore on the inside.....
it hurts to be conscious......
a terrible, all-consuming, desparate, unbearable pain....
a pain that eats me and my time and my life.....
a pain that spoils all that it glimpses.....
a pain that has power is hungry and wants more.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I came so close to threatening my father that I would set him on fire and laugh as he burned.
Thankfully, I didn't say this, but I still feel like scum.
I'm just so tired of being treated like a kid.

[Quail]

I came so close to threatening my father that I would set him on fire and laugh as he burned.
Thankfully, I didn't say this, but I still feel like scum.
I'm just so tired of being treated like a kid.
You're not scum. Everyone thinks/says shitty things when they're angry.

[Quail]

Addiction is when you're sat there deciding whether or not to do something.
Is it worth throwing all that effort I made towards recovery down the drain? you ask yourself.
Is it worth risking my health or perhaps my life?
Is it worth the possibility of hurting the people around you?

The answer to all of those questions is yes and you barely had to think about it.

[the Leftâ„¢]

Its been a while since i posted here but

funny story revlefters can enjoy

Went to a concert asked a girl for her number she gave it to me but i had a new phone with like pizza and moms cell as contacts. she looked at me like :lol:

But i told her it was a new phone and shes like yea "arent phones expensive too? sucks living as a working class activist"

I WAS LIKE :O :O :O :O :O

[¿Que?]

Its been a while since i posted here but

funny story revlefters can enjoy

Went to a concert asked a girl for her number she gave it to me but i had a new phone with like pizza and moms cell as contacts. she looked at me like :lol:

But i told her it was a new phone and shes like yea "arent phones expensive too? sucks living as a working class activist"

I WAS LIKE :O :O :O :O :O
Phones are expensive, but usually cell phone companies give you massive discounts on the device by getting you to sign a contract. So say for example a $500 PC which requires a monthly bill for internet access, and the cheaper ones are restricted only to your residence, the computer is clearly more economical, since the monthly bill is less. But it is also more restrictive, since you have limited mobility as well as limited communication options. That is, you can make calls on a PC as well as send instant messages through SMS, but this requires a certain degree of technical knowledge. A phone makes all that easier. Indeed, if you sign a contract, a $500 phone might run you about $100 or less (possibly even free), and although the monthly fee is higher, it tends to have more mobility and easier access to the more common forms of communication, mainly voice and SMS.

This is why smartphones are so ubiquitous. Indeed, a great chunk of the increase in internet access over the past years has been due to the introduction of smartphones into the market, and the fact that smartphones are very accessible to working class folk, albeit through dubious, contractual obligations.

[Ostrinski]

Tomorrow is my first day as a college student. Kinda nervous.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

Tomorrow is my first day as a college student. Kinda nervous.
Don't join a fraternity.

Also, you're going to have a lot of free time in your first two years. Was kinda my downfall during my first time in college (and other shit, but that's irrelevant).

[Ostrinski]

Don't join a fraternity.

Also, you're going to have a lot of free time in your first two years. Was kinda my downfall during my first time in college (and other shit, but that's irrelevant).well, I'm living at home right now. I'm ver used to free time, its all ive had for a while now, as i graduated from high school early.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Yesterday I tried to come up with things I actually like about my body.
I thought of my fingerprints and the color of my eyes. And that's all.

[NoOneIsIllegal]

god i'm fucking lonely, miserable, and hungry.


I'm going to add these emoticons so this post doesn't seem as pathetic and downtrodden
:thumbup: :tt2: :scared: :tongue_smilie:

[Ele'ill]

Fuck this pay to live world.

[Leftsolidarity]

I love you

[¿Que?]

Yesterday I tried to come up with things I actually like about my body.
I thought of my fingerprints and the color of my eyes. And that's all.
So Landshark, you're going to be my guinea pig in establishing a radical, revolutionary psychotheraputic approach. To be fair, I don't really have any credentials, but I'm a hella smart guy and super good listener, so I think I have what it takes.

If at any time you feel the therapy is not working, you are welcome to terminate the process. I will stop responding to your posts if you ask me to. Otherwise, I'm going to try to respond to as many of your comments as possible, and see if maybe, borrowing from Freire's pedagogy, we can both learn and grow a bit. I'm not going to go into it too much, but I think there is some value in drawing an analogy between counseling and teaching.

So let's begin shall we. I will need you to answer a few questions.
How old are you?
What is your sex?
What is your gender?
What is your sexual orientation?
What country do you live in?
What race do you consider yourself to be part of?
What ethnic group do you consider yourself to be part of?

Please give me a brief description of your relationship with your parents. Try to provide general factual information and avoid anecdotes. If you talk about how they make you feel, do so in a general sense, not in a specific anecdotal sense. So for example, say things like, "My mom makes me feel insecure, " rather than "When my mom said I looked ugly, it made me feel insecure." We can deal with day to day stuff in a little bit.

Please provide any significant experience in your life that you think has deeply affected you, that you feel comfortable sharing. You are welcome to PM me or skip this question altogether.

Please describe your ideal self. What would it take to make you happy? Try not to be defeatist with this question. Don't say things like nothing, or it's impossible. Be creative and think big. Would being king of the world do it? What if you had everything you could possibly ever want or need, would that do it (keep in mind saying no to this question implies you do not need or want to be happy).

Finally, what is it about your fingerprints and eye color that you like?

If this is uncomfortable or weird, or you think I'm going overboard with this, just let me know. I used to think you whined a lot, but when I actually started talking to you, I learned that you are a complicated and interesting person, and I have this curiosity to learn more about you, and hopefully try to create a mutually reinforcing dialogue.

You in?

[Hermes]

Does anyone ever do something based on what they thought someone said, but immediately afterward start to doubt whether you heard the right thing, or missed some kind of nuance?

I'm going to be depressed until I see this person again because now I'm pretty sure I just fucked up again.

[Landsharks eat metal]

questions

Okay, but is it okay if we do some of this over PM? I'd hate to monopolize this thread more than I already do.

I'm just going to go ahead and answer these via PM now and if that's not okay... I don't know.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Last night was a real oh shit moment. I was freaking out (about how much I miss my friends from my first college) and the only thing that could calm me down was cutting. Only a little bit, but I keep trying to stop and failing. Like I had to do it or I felt like I was going to explode or something.:(

[Pretty Flaco]

i was driving this morning and i was angry because someone told me they needed a ride but when i got there they decided they didnt need it, and it was a good 10 minutes out of my way and i was running late. so im in a huge fucking rush and i go for a turn and i fucking fishtail really fucking bad. my car turned like 45 degrees to the left and then back straight and 45 degrees to the left. i barely kept the car under control and it freaked me the fuck out cus thats the first time ive ever had a really close call while driving.

[Yuppie Grinder]

I love you

YOUR SO AMAZING AND JUST BEING ALIVE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! IM READY TO LOVE MORE THEN EVER WHO IS WITH ME AND NOT JUST JOKING? - Lil B

[¿Que?]

YOUR SO AMAZING AND JUST BEING ALIVE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! IM READY TO LOVE MORE THEN EVER WHO IS WITH ME AND NOT JUST JOKING? - Lil B
I love lil B. He's a bad rapper, tho.

[Yuppie Grinder]

lol good one bro

[Nox]

Yesterday I tried to come up with things I actually like about my body.
I thought of my fingerprints and the color of my eyes. And that's all.

Eyes are one of the most attractive parts of the body so that's great. :)

[Nox]

Tomorrow is my first day as a college student. Kinda nervous.

Tell me about it man, I'm not going to University until the year after this school year, but I am already nervous as fuck for 2 reasons, one I am going to be totally independent which I am definitely not used to, and two it is the point at which my life will either either improve greatly or go downhill (probably the latter).

[Ele'ill]

Tell me about it man, I'm not going to University until the year after this school year, but I am already nervous as fuck for 2 reasons, one I am going to be totally independent which I am definitely not used to, and two it is the point at which my life will either either improve greatly or go downhill (probably the latter).


How are you independent if u r dependent on University??/

[Nox]

How are you independent if u r dependent on University??/

I kinda meant like I wouldn't rely on my parents, I'd be on my own. I'm gonna have to work while I'm at university too because I can't fully afford it, so if I mess up I'm screwed for life. I'll probably An hero.

[Ele'ill]

so if I mess up I'm screwed for life.

Then you're already screwed for life.

[#FF0000]

Tell me about it man, I'm not going to University until the year after this school year, but I am already nervous as fuck for 2 reasons, one I am going to be totally independent which I am definitely not used to, and two it is the point at which my life will either either improve greatly or go downhill (probably the latter).

no it will almost certainly improve.

[Crux]

Found out yesterday that I didn't get into University. I'm still in denial.

[Leftsolidarity]

Buddy hit by a trunk and left in a ditch. He might be a vegetable now or something. They don't really know. Shitty way to start the day.

[Crux]

And the hits just keep on coming. I missed my meeting with the wellfare office. It probably was thursday. or I know it was. I didn't pick up my phone. I had forgotten all about it. So I didn't pick up the phone. Now I find a bill in my mail. For rent. That shouldn't be there. Maybe I've been cut off, there really is no other explantion. I missed my doctors appointment. I was in a bus. I thought I'd be home in time. For some reason. I was very wrong about that. I don't take my medication regularly anyway. I saty up all night. Until 5 in the morning. Getting away to the summer camp was great. But now I feel like I am fucking cracking at the seams. I have to really focus not to do something stupid. I don't do self harm but I feel like cutting myself. I feel like downing all the rest of the fucking pills just to see what happens. I don't want to die. I am just shaking and fuck. fuck fuck fuck. I can't deal with this shit. not now. I thought I was doing well. I am not. If this keeps up I'll be homeless by the end of the month. which is pretty fucking soon. I mean. fuck. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I can just call them tomorrow. Make thing's work. but right now. Right now I am not doing so well.

[bad ideas actualised by alcohol]

I've missed you guys. I'm back. I hope Negative Creep remembers me.

I did! I actually was starting to miss you.:crying:

[Crux]

Smoking kind of helps. but it takes too long ti kick. Any other tips?

[Quail]

And the hits just keep on coming. I missed my meeting with the wellfare office. It probably was thursday. or I know it was. I didn't pick up my phone. I had forgotten all about it. So I didn't pick up the phone. Now I find a bill in my mail. For rent. That shouldn't be there. Maybe I've been cut off, there really is no other explantion. I missed my doctors appointment. I was in a bus. I thought I'd be home in time. For some reason. I was very wrong about that. I don't take my medication regularly anyway. I saty up all night. Until 5 in the morning. Getting away to the summer camp was great. But now I feel like I am fucking cracking at the seams. I have to really focus not to do something stupid. I don't do self harm but I feel like cutting myself. I feel like downing all the rest of the fucking pills just to see what happens. I don't want to die. I am just shaking and fuck. fuck fuck fuck. I can't deal with this shit. not now. I thought I was doing well. I am not. If this keeps up I'll be homeless by the end of the month. which is pretty fucking soon. I mean. fuck. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I can just call them tomorrow. Make thing's work. but right now. Right now I am not doing so well.
I always feel the urge to down boxes of pills when I feel overwhelmed (especially by financial stuff, ugh, how people deal with benefits, etc. without having a total mental breakdown is beyond me). Maybe it would calm you down to make a list of things that you need to do and break them down into tasks that seem manageable and allocate time so you can get them done?

In the short term I don't really know what to suggest, but cutting yourself is definitely a bad idea. Perhaps having a shower or doing something you find relaxing and enjoyable (watching Star Trek is my cure for stress/anxiety/etc) might help?

[Landsharks eat metal]

Smoking kind of helps. but it takes too long ti kick. Any other tips?

I really don't have much advice, except for just try to totally stop thinking for a bit, but I know that's pretty much impossible for me, so it might not work for you either.

I really wish I could help you more. I actually started feeling a bit physically sick reading about your pain that's how horrible I feel about it.

Shit. You don't know how much I wish I could help...

[Crux]

I've succesfully distracted myself for a bit. Yay. Oh and thanks Quail, LEM. I'm glad you're here. I have a fairly good idea what I need to do tomorrow. Get up early and make a few phonecalls. Just realized I don't have any money on my cellphone though. hm.

[Leftsolidarity]

God damn I can't express how mad it makes me when right wing fucking assholes try to re-classify rape or be-little how fucking terrible it is. I have to see too many friends be victims and be left with the destruction that it causes in their lives. I'm so tired of having to help out my friends with this problem and then having to hear it played off as no big deal by these fucking assholes. Maybe if they were in their position or my position of seeing their friends go through it, they might become more of a fucking human being.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Pretty sure I just can't cut deep enough anymore. Even when I get to the point where the pain is so severe I'm shaking, it's not enough. And then I have to cut myself for being stupid enough to be a cutter.
And probably for whining too. I have a huge reputation among some people IRL as a whiner that I just can't shake, even though I avoid mentioning any sort of pain I am experiencing whatsoever so people will think I'm strong. So when Que said I had seemed whiny, I was really upset but I guess I sort of am. I used to have an outlet in writing but I have so much trouble stopping hating myself long enough to write anything substantial.

[Nox]

LEM it sounds a lot easier than it actually is, but just stop giving a fuck what some idiots think about you. You will feel a lot better when you aren't worried about what people think of you.

[Salyut]

All this rape shit from the republicans is making my friend upset. The other night she triggered and all I could do was hold her and reassure her everything was going to be okay. :(

edit: my friends all say I'm a really good person with a big heart. I'm kinda starting to believe them. :s

[¿Que?]

Pretty sure I just can't cut deep enough anymore. Even when I get to the point where the pain is so severe I'm shaking, it's not enough. And then I have to cut myself for being stupid enough to be a cutter.
And probably for whining too. I have a huge reputation among some people IRL as a whiner that I just can't shake, even though I avoid mentioning any sort of pain I am experiencing whatsoever so people will think I'm strong. So when Que said I had seemed whiny, I was really upset but I guess I sort of am. I used to have an outlet in writing but I have so much trouble stopping hating myself long enough to write anything substantial.
Yup, I used to have that same reputation myself, and still do in some ways. I feel really bad because I was being insensitive, and it's not like I wasn't aware of it at the time. I guess I was sort of going on the hope that you could handle it, but I should have guessed eventually I would put my foot in my mouth. Anyway, try not to cut too deep. You might actually really hurt yourself.

I think the fact that we as leftist, revolutionaries and radicals want to improve the world and ourselves, it sort of sets us up for the accusation of whiny anyway. While I don't consider myself a liberal, how often have you heard of "whiny liberals" simply because someone was speaking up about injustice against workers, gays, poc's, women, disabled and so on. The term whiny is in the first place, just a way to stifle indignation against an unjust system, in order to direct anger at external circumstances against ourselves. It's perfectly ok to be angry, just be angry at the right people, and you are not one of them.

In other news, I almost sent the following as an attachment to the company that was contracted out to do an employment background check on me:

To whom it may concern,


I do not wish to sound rude, but the information you have requested regarding my residence in the last 7 years I think is a bit unreasonable. I do not really have time to dig up old addresses I have no longer committed to memory. Further, if you are doing the background check, I have all the faith in the world that you will be capable of applying your resources and gather that information yourselves.



I am very broke. I have already had to go up to the north of the city (I live in the south) twice for this position, and as of yet I am still unsure if I will be hired. This drive has cost me about $20. Further, I will have to provide transcripts from every institution I’ve attended, and at a cost of $10 each, I now have to spend another $20 because I have attended two different institutions. Therefore, rather than applying for the position, I could more accurately be said to be gambling on the fact that I am the most appealing candidate for the position (please note, this is not the same as saying most qualified or knowledgeable in the field). I am required to invest at least $40 to be considered at all, not including costs of computer equipment, internet access, education and training and labor costs for filling applications, writing resumes, and letters of interest. And while it is true that there are community services that provide internet access and computers - indeed, I do not own a printer because ink is too expensive, and documents are better printed with laser printers in the first place, so I make use of such services frequently – these services are often underfunded, overcrowded, and understaffed.



Finally, I would appreciate you not slander the word consent in the way it is used for this purpose. I am not consenting to anything. I am applying for a position (one which pays very little I might add) and my employment with this company is predicated on “consenting” to the background search. It would only be consenting if I had a choice in the matter, but the only choice I have is whether I want to work at this company or not. However, background checks are ubiquitous, nay universal when it comes to any sort of employment in the capacity of intellectual or knowledge work and even in some areas of manual or unskilled labor. So, assuming I am required to work in order to earn a living, in what way could this possibly be conceived of as consenting?


Fuck you and your worthless racket. The only service you provide is to the lining of your pockets.

Sincerely,
One Pissed Off Motherfucker

[Questionable]

I know this is pretty petty compared to other complaints here, but fuck it, I'm angry.

My girlfriend went against all good advice and moved into a university. She's a hardcore introvert and I kept telling her there was no way she could handle being stuck with a bunch of strangers 24/7, that she should skip living on campus for a few years until all the shitheads dropped out, but she didn't listen.

Now she messages me telling me how bad it is and all the people are fake fucks trying to get laid/drunk/high and she's scared and doesn't fit in at all. I feel sorry for her really bad because I love her, but I'm also pissed that she didn't take my advice. She's never enjoyed spending prolonged amounts of time with anybody except me and I have no idea why she thought living on a college campus with a reputation for wild parties was a good idea. Now she's trapped there for the next school year and there's not a goddamn thing she can do.

I'm trying to be optimistic and supportive. I haven't even hinted that I might be upset. I just keep telling her that it will take a while to find the introverts because they're not going to be friend-seeking as aggressively as the party-hard fuckheads are, but I don't even know if that's true. I hope it is or she's just trapped.

[Yuppie Grinder]

Today I accidently slipped that I was bisexual to my friends while on molly. They were accepting, except I think one suspects I'm just gay and am using bisexuality as transition so people don't look at it weird.

[Quail]

I need to text someone my number so they can phone and arrange for me to tutor their daughter. I'm so, so fucking anxious. I hate phone calls so much argh. Think I'm going to write a few things down so my mind doesn't go blank. Argh argh argh.

Had weird dreams as usual last night but slept much better. I think it was because I took some valium for my anxiety. But I only have a few left and I don't want to use them to sleep better in case I need them for anxiety. I'm so sick of having dreams though. I never get any damn rest :(

[Leftsolidarity]

I want to go home already. I miss my friends and family. I have very little money left and don't know if I'll have any left once I get home to eat or pay rent.

My ex who I stopped talking to texted me last night saying that she is sorry for being such an asshole. Idk if she means it or if she was just as fucked up as the last time we talked. Idk how to respond. I miss talking to her but it's also been nice not putting up with her bullshit.

The Facebook page for my friend who died keeps showing up every time I type something into the search bar and it just makes me sad and wish it would stop.

[Landsharks eat metal]

My new school starts on Monday and I'm just terrified. Pretty sure no one is going to like me because I'm a nerd/geek/dork/whatever. And there are so many people from my old colleges that I miss and will probably never see again and they'll forget me even though I'll never forget them because some of them I was sort of in love with. Like Robert. I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop thinking about him, even though there's this cute girl who's going to be in the program I'm starting soon and I don't even know her name, but I'm already making up stupid fantasies about her that will never happen, because who could be in love with me?

[¿Que?]

My new school starts on Monday and I'm just terrified. Pretty sure no one is going to like me because I'm a nerd/geek/dork/whatever. And there are so many people from my old colleges that I miss and will probably never see again and they'll forget me even though I'll never forget them because some of them I was sort of in love with. Like Robert. I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop thinking about him, even though there's this cute girl who's going to be in the program I'm starting soon and I don't even know her name, but I'm already making up stupid fantasies about her that will never happen, because who could be in love with me?
Cmon Landshark, don't be so negative. Ok, this girl, she might not like you, but she might. You never know, and part of living is confronting and coming to terms with uncertainty.

I am very excited that you are starting school! I think this is great, and I would look into some student organizations like we discussed.

Also, there may be inexpensive healthcare options available. When I was in school, there was a counseling center that offered pretty decent rates for students. Unfortunately, there was such a high demand, that they had to turn students away, among them myself, but they did put me in an anxiety support group, although to me it was not a very good group, honestly. In fact, since you're starting on Monday, I would go ahead and contact their counseling center early on, so as to get ahead on the list. Often they accept people on a first come first serve basis.

New school, new fiends, new experiences, new things to learn. Think of it as a hero's journey, filled with peril and danger, but not without a reward (life experience) should you succeed.

What are you going to be studying?

[Landsharks eat metal]

Cmon Landshark, don't be so negative. Ok, this girl, she might not like you, but she might. You never know, and part of living is confronting and coming to terms with uncertainty.

I am very excited that you are starting school! I think this is great, and I would look into some student organizations like we discussed.

Also, there may be inexpensive healthcare options available. When I was in school, there was a counseling center that offered pretty decent rates for students. Unfortunately, there was such a high demand, that they had to turn students away, among them myself, but they did put me in an anxiety support group, although to me it was not a very good group, honestly. In fact, since you're starting on Monday, I would go ahead and contact their counseling center early on, so as to get ahead on the list. Often they accept people on a first come first serve basis.

New school, new fiends, new experiences, new things to learn. Think of it as a hero's journey, filled with peril and danger, but not without a reward (life experience) should you succeed.

What are you going to be studying?
-I'm studying to become a veterinary assistant
-I don't think we have very many student orgs at my school since it's a tech school and is half made up of high-schoolers.
-I can't really use the resources I have to the fullest extent because a lady from my church works there and knows everybody and I can't have her know like anything about me until I can gtfo.
-I sure hope I don't make new fiends as you have suggested :D

[¿Que?]

-I'm studying to become a veterinary assistant
-I don't think we have very many student orgs at my school since it's a tech school and is half made up of high-schoolers.
-I can't really use the resources I have to the fullest extent because a lady from my church works there and knows everybody and I can't have her know like anything about me until I can gtfo.
-I sure hope I don't make new fiends as you have suggested :D
Hm...ok well I'll look into that. There may be something available through the state simply as a consequence of your status as a student. Let me get back to you on that.

[#FF0000]

I've been actively working towards changing my attitude and how i treat people irl these days (people online think i am chill as heck but in reality i have anger issues or something). I think I've done pretty well in general, being a lot more positive and getting less angry, and most importantly, not yelling/verbally abusing people close to me like i used to.

But man I hate it when people tell me "You're just like your dad" when I'm not cool with a thing or seem annoyed or something. It seems like now sometimes people just use this line to shut me down or something.

[NoOneIsIllegal]

I had a really bad anxiety attack for the first time in public yesterday.
Oh god that was FUN.

I'm starting to see a lot of self-realizations the last month or two, and I don't like it.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Couldn't sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking about how much I want to kill myself but I can't but I should because I'm just the most ungrateful annoying little fucker in the world and despite my positive attributes the negatives far outweigh them and I don't even deserve love.
I finally calmed myself down by thinking about My Little Pony. :/
Still not feeling too great, though

[Quail]

Couldn't sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking about how much I want to kill myself but I can't but I should because I'm just the most ungrateful annoying little fucker in the world and despite my positive attributes the negatives far outweigh them and I don't even deserve love.
I finally calmed myself down by thinking about My Little Pony. :/
Still not feeling too great, though
You use such harsh words when you talk about yourself. Would you say the same thing about someone else in your situation? If a friend told you that they didn't even deserve love, what would you tell them? I guess what I'm trying to suggest is taking a step back and remind yourself that those negative things aren't really true and your mind and perceptions of yourself have been poisoned by mental illness.


I had a really bad anxiety attack for the first time in public yesterday.
Oh god that was FUN.
I hate having anxiety attacks in public. The first time I had a really bad one was when I went to the shop like 2 minutes down a hill and round the corner from where I lived and when I got in there I realised I didn't have my phone (which I use as a coping strategy - when I get anxious I text or call someone) and I just really freaked. I can't remember what I was trying to buy, just something small, but I completely just broke down, started crying, shaking, etc. and I had to sit outside the shop on the floor for a while because getting up and walking back home felt too overwhelming. People stared at me and a couple of people asked if I was okay and asked what was wrong, and I just felt so pathetic and ridiculous for being in such a state. That really shook me up :(


----

I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days because it's depressing. I barely deserve the label eating disordered at the moment. I just eat so much and keep it down too often. I simultaneously want to nourish my body and get fit and healthy and starve myself away. I'm stuck in a weird limbo where I'm not getting better but I'm not ill enough. It sucks.

This sounds terrible, but part of me really craves the attention and concern when people see that I'm getting too thin. When people worry about me I know that they care. If people aren't worried because I'm ill, I worry that they don't care about me. I kind of want to lose weight and make myself more ill so that people care about me. I think that always stops me from committing myself 100% to recovery. It sounds so fucked up and selfish but I just want to feel loved.

I don't feel suicidal at the moment, but I have been thinking a lot about methods. I'm not sure why.

Trigger Warning
Another thing that's thrown me a bit is all this bullshit in the news about rape, "legitimate" rape, etc. A few people I was chilling with were talking about it and it was a struggle to stay grounded. I felt myself starting to feel strange and dissociated, but I tuned out of the conversation and focused on my surroundings and that and the can of cider I was drinking helped me to calm down.
Ever since I talked about my assault with my therapist I've been finding things really hard and stupid repressed feelings and memories keep coming to the surface all the time. We're not even going to work on it for a while because I need to learn some coping mechanisms first because it's going to make me feel even worse before it can get better. It feels like I'm never going to make any improvement and I'm just going to be stuck like this with a broken brain forever. It's horrible to think that some stupid guy and his actions have had such repercussions on my life. I just want to forget him, forget the incident, forget how worthless he made me feel, but somehow I just can't.

Sorry for the long rant.

[Leftsolidarity]

But man I hate it when people tell me "You're just like your dad" when I'm not cool with a thing or seem annoyed or something. It seems like now sometimes people just use this line to shut me down or something.

I know how you feel. It REALLY bothers me when people say that to me. Like a whole fucking lot. Got into it a good number of times with my ex over that and now that I've tried to improve my attitude I feel like she uses it just to get her way and to shut me up.

[¿Que?]

I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days because it's depressing. I barely deserve the label eating disordered at the moment. I just eat so much and keep it down too often. I simultaneously want to nourish my body and get fit and healthy and starve myself away. I'm stuck in a weird limbo where I'm not getting better but I'm not ill enough. It sucks.

This sounds terrible, but part of me really craves the attention and concern when people see that I'm getting too thin. When people worry about me I know that they care. If people aren't worried because I'm ill, I worry that they don't care about me. I kind of want to lose weight and make myself more ill so that people care about me. I think that always stops me from committing myself 100% to recovery. It sounds so fucked up and selfish but I just want to feel loved.

I don't feel suicidal at the moment, but I have been thinking a lot about methods. I'm not sure why.

Trigger Warning
Another thing that's thrown me a bit is all this bullshit in the news about rape, "legitimate" rape, etc. A few people I was chilling with were talking about it and it was a struggle to stay grounded. I felt myself starting to feel strange and dissociated, but I tuned out of the conversation and focused on my surroundings and that and the can of cider I was drinking helped me to calm down.
Ever since I talked about my assault with my therapist I've been finding things really hard and stupid repressed feelings and memories keep coming to the surface all the time. We're not even going to work on it for a while because I need to learn some coping mechanisms first because it's going to make me feel even worse before it can get better. It feels like I'm never going to make any improvement and I'm just going to be stuck like this with a broken brain forever. It's horrible to think that some stupid guy and his actions have had such repercussions on my life. I just want to forget him, forget the incident, forget how worthless he made me feel, but somehow I just can't.

Sorry for the long rant.
I'm glad that you're eating and keeping it down. You've managed to figure out a lot of the psychological mechanism that keep you from committing to recovery. You still need attention, and you're afraid you will not get it if you become just another person, rather than a person with an illness that others need to take care of and help. So I guess the logical next step would be to see how else you can get attention, that is positive attention, based on your self worth and value as an intelligent, caring, and overall good human being. This is dangerous ground in my opinion. Many women, for example, seem to see the way to get positive attention is to highlight their sexuality. In and of itself, it really isn't a problem, except when those things serve pretty much as the basis and in extreme cases, the sole justification for your value as a person. The value of women and their role in society is more and in fact transcends their capacity as sexual beings. Similarly, other women seem to derive that positive attention from taking servile roles in their relationships, primarily with men. So they see it as perfectly reasonable and rational to cook, clean, and otherwise take these classic feminine roles as a means to get the appreciation and attention they want.

But I think a better way would be first not to focus on the attention of men so much. I'm not saying you Quail specifically are doing this, in fact I would be surprised if you were. I was referring to other people I know that have nothing to do with this site. But Quail, since you did say that you were in need of attention and appreciation, I thought I'd mention those things here. On a personal note, I have sort of the same problem. I think for men, the socially ingrained reaction when feeling unappreciated is violence, to react violently or to express themselves through violent imagery. I can't say I'm much of an exception, if you've ever listened to any of my favorite rappers, this would be apparent. But I have a very clear line drawn between violent fantasies, mostly involving police and other forms of authority, and the reality of it. And certainly I do not entertain violence against women, children and other marginalized people. And in saying that, I don't mean rto infantilize women or any other marginalized group, I am simply referring to relations of power.

But another way to feel appreciated is to be useful. This could be achieved by taking an active role in group projects, like organizing events, marches, protests, concerts, art exhibits, cookouts, parties, pot lucks, reading groups, etc etc. If people find use for you in a manner you feel comfortable assisting, then it can be very fulfilling and worthwhile.

[MustCrushCapitalism]

Extremely close friend that I've known for >2 years and have liked for >1 (she didn't know this) and I hadn't talked for 2 months with little to no explanation.

Mutual friend gets us to talk again through gtalk. Awkward conversation. I tell her I care about her still and miss her. She said that she couldn't say she felt the same way. I write that since it'll probably be the last she hears from me, I love her and have felt that way for a year. Offline. Not talking to her ever again. Depressed at losing a close friend permanently.

Check email later after not being able to sleep. She emailed me something incredibly long about how she never wanted that two months to become permanent, how I'm her best friend, and how she wants to speak to me again... I don't really know what to think.

Just now - emailed her back. We're going to talk tomorrow. I hope this goes well.


Couldn't sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking about how much I want to kill myself but I can't but I should because I'm just the most ungrateful annoying little fucker in the world and despite my positive attributes the negatives far outweigh them and I don't even deserve love.
I finally calmed myself down by thinking about My Little Pony. :/
Still not feeling too great, though

IIRC I've heard you talk about this in here before and I'd generally take that seriously. Regardless of whatever negative attributes are there, I really doubt they outweigh the positive. They rarely do, in anyone really. Any event/been told anything in specific making you feel this way?

[Landsharks eat metal]

IIRC I've heard you talk about this in here before and I'd generally take that seriously. Regardless of whatever negative attributes are there, I really doubt they outweigh the positive. They rarely do, in anyone really. Any event/been told anything in specific making you feel this way?

Some of it is just that I'm starting a new program tomorrow and am scared that everyone is going to hate me and that I will be terrible at doing everything because it's a lot more hands-on and I'm used to doing more intellectual schoolwork. Plus I'm going to be driving on my own for the first time ever.

And the other day I saw some of my old friends who are still in high school, and they told me how awesome it was that I was best friends with them even though I had been a high school senior and they were only freshman, but one of the major reasons I did that was to make up for the shitty way I treated freshman in my sophomore year, so I just thought of all the awful things I've done and all the awful things I still have the potential to do.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I am completely terrified. Not only about starting school tomorrow, but also that I'm losing my mind. How weird is it that I start to feel like I have to keep moving my body/twitching or else I'm going to explode, even though I know it's all in my head and I could physically stop?
i'm insane

[¿Que?]

I am completely terrified. Not only about starting school tomorrow, but also that I'm losing my mind. How weird is it that I start to feel like I have to keep moving my body/twitching or else I'm going to explode, even though I know it's all in my head and I could physically stop?
i'm insane
Me too! I'm always moving my legs or tapping my fingers on something, or constantly shifting positions. It's aggravating! Sometimes it's not so bad, but sometimes I can barely tolerate it. Depends on the context, who I'm with, how they're behaving, how they're responding to me etc. I tend to get a lot of anxiety when people are obnoxiously quiet and unresponsive. Like when I'm talking about something with someone, and they can only provide one word answers or I ask a question and I get total silence. Also, sometimes I'll talk to people, and it's really annoying because they'll make their comment, and then I start talking, only to be interrupted by them because they want to add another minute or two of points to their last comment. And I'm like, wait, you stopped talking, this is not a lecture, let me talk, and wait until I am done.

[Quail]

I'm glad that you're eating and keeping it down. You've managed to figure out a lot of the psychological mechanism that keep you from committing to recovery. You still need attention, and you're afraid you will not get it if you become just another person, rather than a person with an illness that others need to take care of and help. So I guess the logical next step would be to see how else you can get attention, that is positive attention, based on your self worth and value as an intelligent, caring, and overall good human being. This is dangerous ground in my opinion. Many women, for example, seem to see the way to get positive attention is to highlight their sexuality. In and of itself, it really isn't a problem, except when those things serve pretty much as the basis and in extreme cases, the sole justification for your value as a person. The value of women and their role in society is more and in fact transcends their capacity as sexual beings. Similarly, other women seem to derive that positive attention from taking servile roles in their relationships, primarily with men. So they see it as perfectly reasonable and rational to cook, clean, and otherwise take these classic feminine roles as a means to get the appreciation and attention they want.

But I think a better way would be first not to focus on the attention of men so much. I'm not saying you Quail specifically are doing this, in fact I would be surprised if you were. I was referring to other people I know that have nothing to do with this site. But Quail, since you did say that you were in need of attention and appreciation, I thought I'd mention those things here. On a personal note, I have sort of the same problem. I think for men, the socially ingrained reaction when feeling unappreciated is violence, to react violently or to express themselves through violent imagery. I can't say I'm much of an exception, if you've ever listened to any of my favorite rappers, this would be apparent. But I have a very clear line drawn between violent fantasies, mostly involving police and other forms of authority, and the reality of it. And certainly I do not entertain violence against women, children and other marginalized people. And in saying that, I don't mean rto infantilize women or any other marginalized group, I am simply referring to relations of power.

But another way to feel appreciated is to be useful. This could be achieved by taking an active role in group projects, like organizing events, marches, protests, concerts, art exhibits, cookouts, parties, pot lucks, reading groups, etc etc. If people find use for you in a manner you feel comfortable assisting, then it can be very fulfilling and worthwhile.
I'm trying to get more active with organising politically locally and I'm hoping to get back into Judo as something to do for myself (I did it for a long time when I was a teenager and really enjoyed it but quit because I wasn't well and was scared of people seeing my self-harm). I think when I get back to university and I'm studying and doing something worhtwhile with my time I'll start to feel better too. At the moment I'm pretty much a housewife and people seem to expect me to be some kind of mummy-bot, magically doing housework and entertaining my son all day every day without feeling drained, lonely or unfulfilled.

I'm quite happy with my partner, but in the past I have used my sexuality as a way of trying to feel loved and it just made me feel empty and disgusted with myself. I don't know why because I wouldn't judge anyone else for sleeping with a lot of people, but I call myself horrible, sexist names all the time. Anyway the point really is that you don't have to worry about me going down that road. I want to feel like a useful human being with things to offer other people.

It's quite difficult though because I basically just feel worthless and I have a hard time understanding why anyone would think I was of any value, so I don't quite know where to start when it comes to building my self esteem.

[Ele'ill]

I just ate two servings of spinach with jalapeno slices, olive oil and garlic and I feel pretty good. I'm planning to take up boxing again once we move out (this is likely to be the last time we're ever paying rent in our lives) and also going back to school for English somehow. I'm scared about going back to school because it has always been a huge unstimulating let-down.

[Igor]

Few weeks until uni starts, and I'm moving out of town, which isn't really a big deal... and out of the country, to UK, which kinda is. I'm kinda panicking atm, knowing that few weeks from now on and at least for the next years my best and closest friends will be people I won't see for most of the year. Yeah, I'll get new ones but it's still not exactly a nice thought. Not to mention that it's really such a jump to the unknown, I have no idea if I'm more excited or afraid at this point.

dfgdf fdg aaa

[L.A.P.]

So on the last day of school last year, there was this girl i kind of liked who was talking to me the whole class period. Her and I used to go to a different school together when I was a sophomore. Class ended and she followed me out the class to keep on talking and shit, I needed to go the opposite way so I was like "so I guess this is goodbye" and then she said "aw, I won't see you again" and I just froze for a couple seconds. I think she knew I was cuaght by surprise so she said "oh, but next year, right?" and I responded "yeah, sure". We shook hands and she didn't let go of my hand until we weren't at arms length, I realized it but still went towards my locker because I'm an idiot. I honestly couldn't stop thinking about her throughout summer. It's now my last year of high school and I've yet to pass by her in a hallway. I just looked at her facebook profile today and her pic is crazy pretty (she's a conservative Jehova Witness so she usually dresses like one) and I'm pretty sure now she has moved out of town. God mother fucking damn it, guess I'm going to go listen to The Weeknd now.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

So on the last day of school last year, there was this girl i kind of liked who was talking to me the whole class period. Her and I used to go to a different school together when I was a sophomore. Class ended and she followed me out the class to keep on talking and shit, I needed to go the opposite way so I was like "so I guess this is goodbye" and then she said "aw, I won't see you again" and I just froze for a couple seconds. I think she knew I was cuaght by surprise so she said "oh, but next year, right?" and I responded "yeah, sure". We shook hands and she didn't let go of my hand until we weren't at arms length, I realized it but still went towards my locker because I'm an idiot. I honestly couldn't stop thinking about her throughout summer. It's now my last year of high school and I've yet to pass by her in a hallway. I just looked at her facebook profile today and her pic is crazy pretty (she's a conservative Jehova Witness so she usually dresses like one) and I'm pretty sure now she has moved out of town. God mother fucking damn it, guess I'm going to go listen to The Weeknd now.
I feel for you bro/sis (semi-solemn daps for you), but I have to admit ... a communist and a Jehovah's Witness dating ... that sounds like a sitcom

[¿Que?]

I'm trying to get more active with organising politically locally and I'm hoping to get back into Judo as something to do for myself (I did it for a long time when I was a teenager and really enjoyed it but quit because I wasn't well and was scared of people seeing my self-harm). I think when I get back to university and I'm studying and doing something worhtwhile with my time I'll start to feel better too. At the moment I'm pretty much a housewife and people seem to expect me to be some kind of mummy-bot, magically doing housework and entertaining my son all day every day without feeling drained, lonely or unfulfilled.

I'm quite happy with my partner, but in the past I have used my sexuality as a way of trying to feel loved and it just made me feel empty and disgusted with myself. I don't know why because I wouldn't judge anyone else for sleeping with a lot of people, but I call myself horrible, sexist names all the time. Anyway the point really is that you don't have to worry about me going down that road. I want to feel like a useful human being with things to offer other people.

It's quite difficult though because I basically just feel worthless and I have a hard time understanding why anyone would think I was of any value, so I don't quite know where to start when it comes to building my self esteem.
Just remember activism can be a lot of stress. Currently, I think I am taking a break from activism, mostly because there's a lot of suspicion going around and shits getting pretty crazy. Not to mention the fact that the patron saint of Occupy where I live is some Ron Paul douche playing white man savior with all the usual "plight of minorities" rhetoric. I think people have been pretty severely demoralized in finding out what a sham the whole thing is. But this only leads to more indignation, and more resistance in ways they can't even begin to comprehend.

Naturally, I've been riling up that suspicion by playing the usual "more radical than thou" role, which gets a lot of people on edge, not least the authorities!

[Landsharks eat metal]

I can't enjoy my happiness because I'm too scared of it getting away and I know I can't really keep up pretending to be a normal, functional person for too long because the past two days have been too good to be true.
And I'm just hoping that feeling like I heard my instructor's voice echoing through my head as I tried to sleep is not something I need to be too concerned about.

[Ele'ill]

This video makes me happy

TQBMPDbqlvc

[Crux]

Little by little I am cracking more for every day that passes. No future, no exit.

[¿Que?]

This video makes me happy

TQBMPDbqlvc
If cats gained the ability to reason, overthrew all world governments and enslaved the human race, I think I'd be ok with that.

[kitsune]

If cats gained the ability to reason, overthrew all world governments and enslaved the human race, I think I'd be ok with that.

I am preparing for the cat revolution.

w06zvM2x_lw

[¿Que?]

I am preparing for the cat revolution.

w06zvM2x_lw
Yes, I would think that'd be a good idea. If anything to score a decent spot in the bureaucatic hierarchy (that's not a typo :blackA:). Maybe they'll let me be the guy to swing the wip, so to speak.

Also, it's possible said revolution has already begun!

http://www.fugly.com/media/IMAGES/Random/beware_terrorist_cats.jpg

[thriller]

OMG IT'S BEEN SOOOO LONG SINCE POURING MY HEART OUT!!!1111 Mainly because I've been uber busy with work and now skool. So let's review. Had an AWESOME summer that was led by the single life of me doing whatever the fuck I wanted, when I wanted (read: half a bottle of scotch gone by noon on a saturday). Went camping, hiking, water parks, discing, etc... As for work, it was HOT this summer, so working outside was a real punch to the nuts, but I got to do a lot of patio and brick work is I enjoy more than planting and trimming. However I made a big mistake. I got back together with my ex, and now I don't know what to do. I'm basically providing for her and if I dump her she's homeless. I know it won't be my fault for her situation, but it feels like it. I gotta do something about it. Any tips? (I know very vague, but that's all I got, class in 2 min [kthnxbye].)

[Leftsolidarity]

Why don't you want to be dating her?

[Nox]

OMG IT'S BEEN SOOOO LONG SINCE POURING MY HEART OUT!!!1111 Mainly because I've been uber busy with work and now skool. So let's review. Had an AWESOME summer that was led by the single life of me doing whatever the fuck I wanted, when I wanted (read: half a bottle of scotch gone by noon on a saturday). Went camping, hiking, water parks, discing, etc... As for work, it was HOT this summer, so working outside was a real punch to the nuts, but I got to do a lot of patio and brick work is I enjoy more than planting and trimming. However I made a big mistake. I got back together with my ex, and now I don't know what to do. I'm basically providing for her and if I dump her she's homeless. I know it won't be my fault for her situation, but it feels like it. I gotta do something about it. Any tips? (I know very vague, but that's all I got, class in 2 min [kthnxbye].)

If I were you, I would just dump her. Don't feel guilty about it, and don't let circumstances force yourself to be in a relationship that you don't want to be in.

[Luc]

OMG IT'S BEEN SOOOO LONG SINCE POURING MY HEART OUT!!!1111 Mainly because I've been uber busy with work and now skool. So let's review. Had an AWESOME summer that was led by the single life of me doing whatever the fuck I wanted, when I wanted (read: half a bottle of scotch gone by noon on a saturday). Went camping, hiking, water parks, discing, etc... As for work, it was HOT this summer, so working outside was a real punch to the nuts, but I got to do a lot of patio and brick work is I enjoy more than planting and trimming. However I made a big mistake. I got back together with my ex, and now I don't know what to do. I'm basically providing for her and if I dump her she's homeless. I know it won't be my fault for her situation, but it feels like it. I gotta do something about it. Any tips? (I know very vague, but that's all I got, class in 2 min [kthnxbye].)

dump her if u dont want to be in relationship and i guess u could lend ur couch to her for a bit while she tries and gets a job/place

[¿Que?]

I believe ice cream is a very sensuous food. It involves a lot of licking and a decent amount of lip work. One does not eat ice cream like one would eat a steak for example. Most food is eating by separating one part of the meal into a distinct piece, and placing the piece in your mouth followed by copious amount of chewing. On the other hand, ice cream involves a lot of rubbing of the lips and tongue over it, teeth are used sparingly, and rather than chewing, ice cream is dissolved through the heat in the mouth and the use of saliva. Very sensual, and I think it's the reason women find comfort in ice cream when they are depressed. Ultimately, they seek sensuality in food that they can't arrive at through people, primarily men. With ice cream, she is in control, and it conforms to her desires, not vice versa. It is sensuality without the very real and possible dangers inherent in rape culture...

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I believe ice cream is a very sensuous food. It involves a lot of licking and a decent amount of lip work. One does not eat ice cream like one would eat a steak for example. Most food is eating by separating one part of the meal into a distinct piece, and placing the piece in your mouth followed by copious amount of chewing. On the other hand, ice cream involves a lot of rubbing of the lips and tongue over it, teeth are used sparingly, and rather than chewing, ice cream is dissolved through the heat in the mouth and the use of saliva. Very sensual, and I think it's the reason women find comfort in ice cream when they are depressed. Ultimately, they seek sensuality in food that they can't arrive at through people, primarily men. With ice cream, she is in control, and it conforms to her desires, not vice versa. It is sensuality without the very real and possible dangers inherent in rape culture...
Isn't a preference for explicitly sensual experiences culturally defined :confused:

Also, doesn't ice cream (and other sugary foods) stimulate a dopamine response in the brain

This kinda seems condescending, btw. I don't think you meant it like that at all, but yeah.

[MustCrushCapitalism]

Extremely close friend that I've known for >2 years and have liked for >1 (she didn't know this) and I hadn't talked for 2 months with little to no explanation.

Mutual friend gets us to talk again through gtalk. Awkward conversation. I tell her I care about her still and miss her. She said that she couldn't say she felt the same way. I write that since it'll probably be the last she hears from me, I love her and have felt that way for a year. Offline. Not talking to her ever again. Depressed at losing a close friend permanently.

Check email later after not being able to sleep. She emailed me something incredibly long about how she never wanted that two months to become permanent, how I'm her best friend, and how she wants to speak to me again... I don't really know what to think.

Just now - emailed her back. We're going to talk tomorrow. I hope this goes well.

I cannot possibly explain what has happened since this post in any sort of coherent manner and writing half a book but to summarize the results:


We're speaking again every day
I've heard "I love you" from her at least 5 times (not really in an explicitly romantic way)
She's told me that she feels happy again for the first time in months and finally feels like she has someone to be open with again
^I feel the same way and feel generally happy which is incredibly rare for me

Success! :)

[Nox]

I'm starting to work out at the gym soon.

Hopefully by the time I'm 18 I will get ripped and people will want to have seks with me

[Igor]

I'm starting to work out at the gym soon.

Hopefully by the time I'm 18 I will get ripped and people will want to have seks with me

they never will as long as you spell it seks

[Leftsolidarity]

I believe ice cream is a very sensuous food. It involves a lot of licking and a decent amount of lip work. One does not eat ice cream like one would eat a steak for example. Most food is eating by separating one part of the meal into a distinct piece, and placing the piece in your mouth followed by copious amount of chewing. On the other hand, ice cream involves a lot of rubbing of the lips and tongue over it, teeth are used sparingly, and rather than chewing, ice cream is dissolved through the heat in the mouth and the use of saliva. Very sensual, and I think it's the reason women find comfort in ice cream when they are depressed. Ultimately, they seek sensuality in food that they can't arrive at through people, primarily men. With ice cream, she is in control, and it conforms to her desires, not vice versa. It is sensuality without the very real and possible dangers inherent in rape culture...

Reading this turned me on a little bit

[thriller]

Why don't you want to be dating her?

We are the typical on/off couple and I've had more fun the past three months being single than the past two years we spent together. I also have to explain things in great detail to her, she's just kind of... dumb, for lack of a better word. Also her obsession with everything being a part of "god's plan" gets to me a lot.

[Leftsolidarity]

We are the typical on/off couple and I've had more fun the past three months being single than the past two years we spent together. I also have to explain things in great detail to her, she's just kind of... dumb, for lack of a better word. Also her obsession with everything being a part of "god's plan" gets to me a lot.

Ewwwwwwwwwww I agree with what the others have said about breaking up with her

[thriller]

Ewwwwwwwwwww I agree with what the others have said about breaking up with her

You're cool :)

[#FF0000]

ice cream words

i've actually heard people express it sort of like this before so there might actually be something to this

[Landsharks eat metal]

There's a girl in my class that I've been talking to a lot and I'm starting to feel a real emotional connection with her and we agree and can understand each other so much, and she's actually bisexual so maybe she'd be less likely to be freaked out by my gender stuff (and I kind of really want to tell her about my gender but I feel like it would be awkward). I don't know if I feel like I like her as more than a friend just because we've spent so much time together, and I'm also terrified of coming on too strong, because she goes off on clinical in April and I still have another semester after that with only a few of the people and I think there's only five of us doing the associate's program and the others seem to be friends with each other, well, 2 and 2, and I'm just going to be left out.
But right now I just want to spend time with Julia and I'm worried about her because she has to go to the doctor because she's been lethargic lately and her parents are worried because leukemia runs in her family and I just met her Monday and probably sound like a creeper here but I'd say we're kind of friends. This is a long weekend so I won't see her until Tuesday to ask how her appointment went unless that would be weird or annoying.

[¿Que?]

There's a girl in my class that I've been talking to a lot and I'm starting to feel a real emotional connection with her and we agree and can understand each other so much, and she's actually bisexual so maybe she'd be less likely to be freaked out by my gender stuff (and I kind of really want to tell her about my gender but I feel like it would be awkward). I don't know if I feel like I like her as more than a friend just because we've spent so much time together, and I'm also terrified of coming on too strong, because she goes off on clinical in April and I still have another semester after that with only a few of the people and I think there's only five of us doing the associate's program and the others seem to be friends with each other, well, 2 and 2, and I'm just going to be left out.
But right now I just want to spend time with Julia and I'm worried about her because she has to go to the doctor because she's been lethargic lately and her parents are worried because leukemia runs in her family and I just met her Monday and probably sound like a creeper here but I'd say we're kind of friends. This is a long weekend so I won't see her until Tuesday to ask how her appointment went unless that would be weird or annoying.
That seems confusing. Are you happy for having made a new friend, or worried that she might soon leave, either for other adventures after school, or worse, as a result of illness? In neither case would I recommend not trying to cultivate that friendship, though. This is really good news, in spite of the issues, I think you are on that road towards getting some tangible evidence that you are a worthy person worthy and capable of being loved and cared for. I am very happy for you.

[¿Que?]

i've actually heard people express it sort of like this before so there might actually be something to this
And I thought I was being so original and clever:blushing:

EDIT: Come to think of it, if it's something on the internet, like a blog or article, I would love to read it! Links?
EDIT2:


Isn't a preference for explicitly sensual experiences culturally defined :confused:

Also, doesn't ice cream (and other sugary foods) stimulate a dopamine response in the brain

This kinda seems condescending, btw. I don't think you meant it like that at all, but yeah.
Honestly, there's not much describing women's social psychology from a male perspective without sounding at least a little condescending, I think...

I don't think, however, wanting sensuality is culturally defined. It's mostly biological and rooted in the reproductive process. What is culturally defined is the manner in which sensuality or rather, sex I should say, is constructed, and in this respect, the whole licking and kissing doesn't have to be a part of it at all.

As for dopamine stimulation, yes it does, and that'd be part of it too. But then so does weed and alcohol, and using those as a coping mechanism seems more a male phenomenon, although not exclusively for sure.

EDIT3:
And I think for the record, it's worth noting where I posted this, and although maybe the language I used didn't make it clear, there was, at least in intention, a sense of irony.

EDIT4: Also, it's interesting that you would critique what I wrote with a cultural contextual argument, seeing as what I was doing was specifically attempting to describe a cultural trope.

[Quail]

I'm so sick of having vivid dreams every night. I never wake up feeling refreshed, it's horrible. Last night I dreamt that I was in prison for smuggling cocaine. I was carrying a black bag through an airport and then security/police started chasing me and I ran around the airport but it was like a maze and when there was nowhere left to run I just stood there and gave myself up as they pointed guns at me. Then a policewoman took me to the women's jail and all the time I was like, "But what about my son?" and she kept assuring me he would be okay. In fact, my son was in the jail with me and then I mentioned that I didn't have any clothes, or any clothes for my son and a security guard went back to my home and brought back a load of clothes that I don't wear because they make me feel fat. I spent a lot of the time of the dream reflecting on how I'd fucked up, how I'd spend ages in prison and never do anything with my life. There were loads of other detailed things that happened that I can't be bothered to type out, but I just feel so unrested and tired this morning :(

This happens every night. I want to stop dreaming. I thought that it was my medication but I've been off medication for ages now and nothing seems to help, except when I take valium in the evening for my anxiety, but I only have 2 left now and I don't want to get addicted to valium anyway. I went to the doctor but she said she'd have to discuss it with other people. I don't understand why I'm dreaming so much unless it's because my brain is trying to process the buried feelings and emotions that have been dragged up by discussing stuff in therapy.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Sometimes I just want to be normal.
Being transgender fucking sucks no matter how much I try to pretend I'm proud or whatever. It honestly makes me just not want to talk to people at all because I know they'll perceive me as a girl and if I ever end up sharing with them who I really am, they'll feel like I was lying to them by letting them get close to me as if I was a female.
Females I hang out with always end up talking about how men are pigs and then I feel like I can never be open with them and have to keep hiding or maybe I'm a hypocrite because I don't want to be a pig and I don't feel like I'm one but maybe I'm just making an exception for myself because I'm othering myself which is just what I'd be pissed off if other people do. I should just STFU because I've been pretending for so long and if I can stand it maybe I'm just pretending to be trans to be special but that doesn't make sense because I'm tired of being special so wtf?

[MustCrushCapitalism]

LEM that's gotta be.. pretty rough for you. I mean in general society hasn't yet brought itself out of the fucking dark ages on transgender issues. I mean, fuck, I've talked to people who were self proclaimed revolutionary leftists for fuck's sake, and still hold ridiculous transphobic views even when they aren't generally anti-LGBT... that must be really irritating, I'd imagine.

If you're still going to uni/high school/whatever and going to a fairly large one I'm sure they'd have an LGBT group or something - I'm sure you'd find some people who you'd be able to be open with about it from the start and surpass the whole awkwardness that'd come out of explaining that you're trans to someone who you don't know would be supportive of it.

And if anyone says you're just pretending to be trans or something they clearly don't know what they're talking about and are an ignorant asshole.

[MEGAMANTROTSKY]

This might sound mild because this is related to my studies in Marxism. I hope it won't be a waste of thread space or time. Needless to say it can't be compared with LEM's problem.

Without going into too many details, I have emotional problems rooted in anxiety. I also have incredibly harmful thought processes that encourage self-deprecation and excessive self-analysis at every turn. To make matters worse, I've been dealing with Asperger's Syndrome, with having a lot of problems maintaining interpersonal relationships; I am isolated from other people most of the time. I don't fit in with most of them. Metaphorically speaking, it kills me.

One of these thought processes as of late has circled around the notion that I "should have known". Every time I encounter a concept that I either dismissed at first or wasn't aware of, I irrationally chastise myself for not knowing. This reached a fever pitch after my best friend (who introduced me to Marxism in the first place) came out to me as a trans person. I was the first one she came out to. A long discussion with her forced me to realize how valuable identity politics actually were to Marxist analysis, since they are important to the workers. I was forced to confront reality of oppression that can and does "go beyond class", so to speak, instead of viewing it through the prism of a book written in the nineteenth century.

My incompetence devastated me. All this time I was more or less adhering to the very caricature of Trotskyism that the SEP promoted and I hated; I had broken from them while hanging on by a thread!

Suddenly a vast new world of study opened itself up to me. It was overwhelming. Reading about the dynamics of gender and privilege politics drove me into a deep depression because I was so ignorant of them up until that point. All the while I was thinking the same thing: "How can I call myself a Marxist? I should have known that this was important! Why did I not know?" Over and over again. These thoughts have continued to the present. Even right now.

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like a poor Marxist. I hate being reminded of how much conservative backwash is left in me each day. Most of all, I hate feeling terrible every time I learn something new and valuable. I don't know what to do. Therapy hasn't been helping with this particular issue at all.

[#FF0000]

Words

Hm. That's an interesting problem. You really need to realize, though, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with ignorance or being wrong about something. You're a smart dude, and it seems like you really jump headfirst into new subjects of study, which is great. Just don't be so down on yourself for not always knowing a thing.

[#FF0000]

And I thought I was being so original and clever:blushing:

EDIT: Come to think of it, if it's something on the internet, like a blog or article, I would love to read it! Links?

Oh, nah it's just a thing I heard people express IRL. Not in-depth as you said it and half-joking most of the time.

[MEGAMANTROTSKY]

Hm. That's an interesting problem. You really need to realize, though, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with ignorance or being wrong about something. You're a smart dude, and it seems like you really jump headfirst into new subjects of study, which is great. Just don't be so down on yourself for not always knowing a thing.
Thanks for your kind words. They've helped me out today.

[Crux]

Burning ships and burning bridges. I feel like I am in free fall.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm happy, yet I hate myself. How the hell do I work?
gender shit goddamn it.
Everything I read from everyone on every side just makes me doubt myself more.

[Quail]

OCD is fucking bullshit, driving me fucking mad. It's getting so much worse and it's because my eating disorder has been better. My mental illness is kind of like a hydra. Cut one head off and several more come up to take its place. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to end up cutting through a vein again and having to go to A&E and they'll give me a mental health assessment, decide I'm not ill enough for treatment and I'll get fobbed off again until the whole cycle repeats itself. Fucking bullshit mental health services. Fucking stupid everything that fucked me up. Fuck bullying fuckheads and fuck emotionally abusive rapists*. I want these feelings to go away and I'm sick of being at the mercy of triggers that are out of my control.

*Well actually, not rapists. Because the legal definition of rape requires penetration by a penis, which is bullshit because that means that only men can be rapists, and that penetration with anything other than a penis is "not real rape" and not as bad, so I feel as though I'm just being a whiny (sexist slur) and I should get the fuck over it. Edit: he did rape someone else (and probably others), but he only assaulted me by penetration.

[¿Que?]

OCD is fucking bullshit, driving me fucking mad. It's getting so much worse and it's because my eating disorder has been better. My mental illness is kind of like a hydra. Cut one head off and several more come up to take its place. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to end up cutting through a vein again and having to go to A&E and they'll give me a mental health assessment, decide I'm not ill enough for treatment and I'll get fobbed off again until the whole cycle repeats itself. Fucking bullshit mental health services. Fucking stupid everything that fucked me up. Fuck bullying fuckheads and fuck emotionally abusive rapists*. I want these feelings to go away and I'm sick of being at the mercy of triggers that are out of my control.

*Well actually, not rapists. Because the legal definition of rape requires penetration by a penis, which is bullshit because that means that only men can be rapists, and that penetration with anything other than a penis is "not real rape" and not as bad, so I feel as though I'm just being a whiny (sexist slur) and I should get the fuck over it. Edit: he did rape someone else (and probably others), but he only assaulted me by penetration.
I hope you feel better soon! What helps me get through sometimes is smoking weed and looking at pictures of kitties:)

You can if you like, look at other mammals, like dogs, rats, mice, even cows or horses, but I find kitties are the best.

If you really want to experiment, you can try birds, but reptiles, amphibians, invertebrates and fish can actually freak you out a little (well they do me, sometimes).

[Landsharks eat metal]

Last night I got to thinking, and I realized that if I somehow got my hands on a gun now, I wouldn't shoot myself. And, as pathetic as that sounds, it's a significant realization. It's the first time in a while I've felt that way. All of a sudden I felt this outpouring of love and support as I realized how amazing it was that people here hadn't even met me and still managed to find something worth saving, something I probably couldn't have done on my own. I actually teared up a bit thinking about it. Everyone in this thread is wonderful (no matter how you feel about yourself). Even though I know these feelings of joy aren't permanent, I'm so glad I have this moment-- and I might not have even been around for it if it weren't for some of the support I've gotten here.

[Pretty Flaco]

went and saw that coworker id been flirting with yesterday. she was feeling sick so she'd been inside all day. she had told me about a place that sold really good canolis so i picked those up and smoothie for her as a surprise on my way over. she really liked that. :)
when i was over there i met her parents and her siblings and they were nice and had a really fun family. they have a nice house in a different part of town from me and i was kind of amazed by how nice it was. :blushing:
her dad sounded like he was from a very different sort of background though. he was really into boxing and knew a lot about fighting and we did some workout stuff in her basement and i showed her some things about fighting. then we cuddled up and watched some movies and tv and i made sure she felt warm and comfortable. it was getting real late so i had to go and i gave her a kiss goodbye and now its becoming something other than flirting. i'd really like to have a relationship with her. :)

[¿Que?]

Last night I got to thinking, and I realized that if I somehow got my hands on a gun now, I wouldn't shoot myself. And, as pathetic as that sounds, it's a significant realization. It's the first time in a while I've felt that way. All of a sudden I felt this outpouring of love and support as I realized how amazing it was that people here hadn't even met me and still managed to find something worth saving, something I probably couldn't have done on my own. I actually teared up a bit thinking about it. Everyone in this thread is wonderful (no matter how you feel about yourself). Even though I know these feelings of joy aren't permanent, I'm so glad I have this moment-- and I might not have even been around for it if it weren't for some of the support I've gotten here.
Yes, this maybe makes me feel slightly better, considering I was feeling a little blue recently. Girl stuff, whatever. Probably noticed I haven't been responding as much, probably won't as much anymore. I noticed you post more than I can keep up, and in various forums, so I sort of got confused. Anyway, I'm glad we could all help you.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

I can honestly say, after today, I hope every, single, last cop dies in the field or of some horrific disease. Fuck every single one of them and the piece of shit boroughs they patrol.


Sometimes I just want to be normal.
Being transgender fucking sucks no matter how much I try to pretend I'm proud or whatever.

Fake it till you make it love.

[Pretty Flaco]

went and saw that coworker id been flirting with yesterday. she was feeling sick so she'd been inside all day. she had told me about a place that sold really good canolis so i picked those up and smoothie for her as a surprise on my way over. she really liked that. :)
when i was over there i met her parents and her siblings and they were nice and had a really fun family. they have a nice house in a different part of town from me and i was kind of amazed by how nice it was. :blushing:
her dad sounded like he was from a very different sort of background though. he was really into boxing and knew a lot about fighting and we did some workout stuff in her basement and i showed her some things about fighting. then we cuddled up and watched some movies and tv and i made sure she felt warm and comfortable. it was getting real late so i had to go and i gave her a kiss goodbye and now its becoming something other than flirting. i'd really like to have a relationship with her. :)

saw her again tonight and it went even better. we're officially together and i had a lot of fun tonight. :)

[¿Que?]

So there was actually an Occupy GA today where I live. You should have seen their faces when I proposed a public orgy to be labeled as Fuckupy! HAHAHAHAHAHA, these motherfuckers don't know what's coming, HAHAHAHAHAHA

EYnpEyTbxzE

[the Leftâ„¢]

Traveling 2 hours on saturday to see a girl i met at a concert a month ago. Excited and nervous :D

[Nox]

saw her again tonight and it went even better. we're officially together and i had a lot of fun tonight. :)

did you have SEKS????

[Quail]

did you have SEKS????
You can have a fun time and officially get together without having sex, you know...

----

I stupidly poisoned myself the other night. Not too badly, got high off the codeine and sick off the paracetemol, but it was nowhere near bad enough to be admitted to hospital (it's a little fucked up, but I know roughly how many pills I'd have to take to get admitted because poisoning myself is a method of self-harm I've used quite a bit in the past). I cut my arm too which is a bit annoying because I cut my forearm instead of a bit that would be easier to hide and I have judo later so I don't know what I'm going to do. I have some large dressings so since there are only a few small cuts I'm going to put a dressing over them and think of a plausible way I could have hurt my arm. I burnt myself on an oven? I think that works.

Anyway, my partner was a bit upset because I did all that while he was asleep. I don't know why I can't talk to people. I can make facebook statuses and broadcast that I'm unhappy, but I can't actually talk to anyone about it. I don't know why. My partner thinks I should take some MDMA and talk at the weekend or something, but I don't know. I don't know if I'll want to (although MDMA might make me decide otherwise I suppose).

Trigger warning
I don't know why seeing that girl working at the checkout made me want to destroy myself so much. Just an unwelcome reminder I suppose. I went to do my food shopping and my ex's ex was at the checkout and I hate sudden reminders of him, just brings back loads of nasty feelings and memories. It also got me thinking, did he fuck her up like he did me? They were together for a while, she was 14 and he was 18. I remember her falling out a bit with my other friend because they quickly had sex and my friend felt that he'd manipulated her into it. He was very manipulative with me, told me I was worthless and would never get anywhere in life if I didn't do (insert sexual act). Did he do the same to her? Did he deliberately do anything without her consent like he did with me? Did he fuck her in her sleep like he did with someone else? Just all these thoughts were eating at me and I started feeling dissociated and anxious and late at night I got drunk and instead of making me numb it made me feel worse.

[Salyut]

I'm quitting my SSRI. Hopefully I'm now stable enough to get along without it.

Also have the option to try MDMA in the near future. Given the research into its therapeutic value, it might work pretty well for me.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm so scared of playing games and doing competitions in class. It seems as though we are going to be doing a lot of those to review for tests and quizzes. We did that for the first time today to practice vet office abbreviations we learned. The game we played is one I remembered from middle school: two students sit facing away from the board as the teacher reads off a definition, and whoever finds the word first and hits it with the flyswatter wins. I went up okay, but almost every time I just froze in fear. (Plus I was a bit overstimulated because there were a lot of words up there, in a bunch of different colors, and some people smacked the board with their flyswatter really loud.) I looked like the biggest idiot in the world. Pretty sure it's only a matter of time before everyone figures out I'm a freak.

[MotherCossack]

oh my!!!!
why do i post such a lot of shite ?? its so bloody embarrassing. you lot must think i'm a complete fannyhead... whatever that is.... i was thinking of a female dickhead .... but i might well be using some ultra new, young-folks exclusive word for......i d'ont know femme fatale.

see... i'm doing it again...

i'm just an aging female
telling my tale.

just another member
of the human race.

there are days of wow,
and ripples of splendour.

there are days that sag,
and stagger and drag.

some times that i cry
so sad... who knows why.


some times that i sing,
and sing and love laughing.

what ever i do how ever i feel
at least i am still part of the deal.

[human strike]

So I feel pretty shit. My partner broke up with me recently (again). I always feel very conflicted when this happens. This time it feels different though. She needs help and support and I want to offer it but I feel like all I ever do is hurt her. She makes me feel like I don't even know how I could help her. I'm worried about her and kinda scared. Don't know what to do. Except smoke myself into oblivion. I thought I'd want to have a break after getting back from Amsterdam, but I actually can't - I need it. Also worrying.

[Ele'ill]

I can't see my signature and I don't know why. But I will be fixing that and updating my signature with youtube links to fantastic music if you're interested.

[Leftsolidarity]

Mobilizations are fucking exhausting. So glad I'm going home Sunday.

[Ele'ill]

Having to wake up early because work says I have to be there on time












and staying up all night then calling out













and then posting this in the wrong thread

[MotherCossack]

my main man was in the horrible [hospital] for a bit recently........

he said, out of the blue.....

"Someone got married at the hospital last week."

i says: "Were they really ill or what?"

he says: "Yep."

I says: " What, were they dying or something?"

he says: "Yep."

I says: "Did they die yet?"

He says: "Yep."

I think that is well sad!!!!!!

[Art Vandelay]

I think I had suicidal thoughts today for the first time in my life. They didn't last long, but I'm fairly scared.

[Hermes]

I wish I could offer some kind of advice, or consolation. How is the therapy going? Have you started medication? I've heard Zoloft (i was on it for a couple of months) can cause suicidal thoughts.

I've often wanted to kill myself, but I'm fairly sure it couldn't be classified as having suicidal thoughts. There's a certain consciousness while I'm having them that I know I'm not actually going to do it, even if I want to. I'm too much of a coward.

[officer nugz]

I'm so sick of having vivid dreams every night. I never wake up feeling refreshed, it's horrible. Last night I dreamt that I was in prison for smuggling cocaine. I was carrying a black bag through an airport and then security/police started chasing me and I ran around the airport but it was like a maze and when there was nowhere left to run I just stood there and gave myself up as they pointed guns at me. Then a policewoman took me to the women's jail and all the time I was like, "But what about my son?" and she kept assuring me he would be okay. In fact, my son was in the jail with me and then I mentioned that I didn't have any clothes, or any clothes for my son and a security guard went back to my home and brought back a load of clothes that I don't wear because they make me feel fat. I spent a lot of the time of the dream reflecting on how I'd fucked up, how I'd spend ages in prison and never do anything with my life. There were loads of other detailed things that happened that I can't be bothered to type out, but I just feel so unrested and tired this morning :(

This happens every night. I want to stop dreaming. I thought that it was my medication but I've been off medication for ages now and nothing seems to help, except when I take valium in the evening for my anxiety, but I only have 2 left now and I don't want to get addicted to valium anyway. I went to the doctor but she said she'd have to discuss it with other people. I don't understand why I'm dreaming so much unless it's because my brain is trying to process the buried feelings and emotions that have been dragged up by discussing stuff in therapy.marijuana does this to me. do you smoke a lot?

[Quail]

marijuana does this to me. do you smoke a lot?
I used to find it did the opposite. I don't use it every day though, maybe 3 days a week on average, and it doesn't seem to make any difference to how much I dream.


mdma is amazing
MDMA-zing :lol:

(sorry for the bad pun, couldn't help myself)

[Landsharks eat metal]

My chest is so awful and huge and I can't stop thinking about it, but binding makes it kind of hard to breathe sometimes. fuck

[Zukunftsmusik]

I go to this boarding school-type school. I've only been here for two weeks now, so I haven't made any real friends yet, but it seems like everyone else has and I often feel alone, even if there are many people around me. Other times I seriously want to hide, but there are people everywhere so I don't really know what to do or where to go, and when I "hide" I suddenly feel like being social after all, but I don't know who or where to go to or what to do. In addition to this, my room mate has made a girlfriend and they have occupied our room for two nights now. the first night, I couldn't go to bed before 1 in the morning which was shit because I was really tired. I seriously hope they use other places to make out, I don't want to be locked out of my room every night.

On top of this I miss my girlfriend, especially in the lonely/hiding-away-from-people-yet-I-want-to-be-social-moments. Luckily I will take a short trip home next weekend, can't wait.

People here are nice and all, but sometimes I just don't know where the fuck to go or what the fuck to do here. It's a little scary and confusing, and I'm sorry if my post bear marks of that.

[Landsharks eat metal]

My chest is so awful and huge and I can't stop thinking about it, but binding makes it kind of hard to breathe sometimes. fuck

fucking fuck fuck goddammit. dysphoria makes it hard to breathe too

[officer nugz]

fucking fuck fuck goddammit. dysphoria makes it hard to breathe tooyour opinion on your gender identity is the only one that matters.

take deep breaths.

[Thirsty Crow]

I don't think I've ever poured my heart out.

Well, not much to say anyhow, except that I'm getting a bit anxious about being kicked out of uni because of some rule connected to papers and seminars.

Didn't bother me too much this past 9 months and more when I had been working and doing stuff more to do with politics than what could someday land me a somewhat decent wage.
And now, fuck it. It seems I can't bring myself to work hard on this, and the rabid perfectionism. I wouldn't turn in a paper unless I had the impression that the argument is bullet proof (that constant bugging feeling that I do not understand the whole of the problem in the right way).

And uni days pretty much gone. Somewhat weird and a bit sad, I probably won't stay in contact with many of good folks I met there.

But I'm glad that I've started to get to know another person when I thought that I won't meet someone new so soon. I feel like we could become close friends :)

[Art Vandelay]

I wish I could offer some kind of advice, or consolation. How is the therapy going? Have you started medication? I've heard Zoloft (i was on it for a couple of months) can cause suicidal thoughts.

I've often wanted to kill myself, but I'm fairly sure it couldn't be classified as having suicidal thoughts. There's a certain consciousness while I'm having them that I know I'm not actually going to do it, even if I want to. I'm too much of a coward.

Thanks for the comment. I still haven't gone back to therapy yet but I am going to set up a new appointment soon; although I think I am going to tell him no to the meds (at least for now, everything is moving way too fast for me).

I have often wished that I hadn't been born, but never classified that as suicidal because I didn't want to kill myself, just hated life. The other morning though, just randomly, I started planning on how I would end it. At first I thought a gun, but I don't know where to find one. I though hanging myself but that scares the shit out of me. Eventually I decided on carbon monoxide poisoning. Then it hit me, what the fuck am I thinking about this for? I haven't had any since, but I'm probably at the lowest I have ever been in my life. I have started to lose friends because I guess I am too "depressing" to be around.

[Comrades Unite!]

Comrades.

Depression rages upon me on and off the past week, It is a bothersome thing to happen and it gives me the chance to see that the future ahead may very well be an overtly bleak one and it would be wise to just snuff it now while I can.

Right now I feel Ok, but when the feeling of dread and that down and out/helpless feeling submits me to its torture.
I can't fucking stand it! For about an hour I feel Ok and am normal, then I feel depression kicking in hard and normally after that anger would set in and if anyone dare catch me during that moment I have no choice but to beat them.

I see NRZ'S above comment and noticed the ''Waking up thinking of how to end it'' part.
This happens most mornings to me unfortunately.

To be quite frank I have little to live for, Most of my time is spent playing guitar,going on this,reading and smoking weed and drinking heavily, I am 14 but can handle strong whiskeys.

I've been single over six months and getting another gf soon will be fairly difficult due to current problems,I rarely talk to anyone bar my two friends who I smoke weed with.

The only thing thats holding me from suicide is the pain of it and leaving my family,.

God, the world is such a shitty fucking place,Everytime I see an advertisment all I think about is that someone else is starving to death as we speak somewhere in the world.
I hope to god this shit passes because I am close to the edge, Nobody knows about this shit because I can hide it no problem but soon it will not have to be hidden.

[Art Vandelay]

Comrades.

Right now I feel Ok, but when the feeling of dread and that down and out/helpless feeling submits me to its torture.
I can't fucking stand it! For about an hour I feel Ok and am normal, then I feel depression kicking in hard and normally after that anger would set in and if anyone dare catch me during that moment I have no choice but to beat them.

I know the feeling comrade. While I am not one to resort to physical violence, I do berate people, specifically while under the influence of alcohol (alchie).


I see NRZ'S above comment and noticed the ''Waking up thinking of how to end it'' part.
This happens most mornings to me unfortunately.

While suicidal thoughts are new to me, there fucking scary and I worry that one day I'm actually going to do it.


To be quite frank I have little to live for, Most of my time is spent playing guitar,going on this,reading and smoking weed and drinking heavily, I am 14 but can handle strong whiskeys.

You sound like me, especially the heavy drinking part, although I am older than you. If I could suggest anything, it would be to drop the booze before it becomes a serious problem, but I'm in no position to tell anyone else what to do.


I've been single over six months and getting another gf soon will be fairly difficult due to current problems,I rarely talk to anyone bar my two friends who I smoke weed with.

Don't even worry about social relationships of any sort till you get yourself straightened out.


God, the world is such a shitty fucking place,Everytime I see an advertisment all I think about is that someone else is starving to death as we speak somewhere in the world.

I know how easily radical politics can consume someone, I have no advice unfortunately, I'm still consumed.


I hope to god this shit passes because I am close to the edge, Nobody knows about this shit because I can hide it no problem but soon it will not have to be hidden.


Let it out on here if you have no where else to. It may not be the same as having someone to talk to irl, but its a start.

[Comrades Unite!]

Thank you Comrade.

I too, fear that one day I very well may step to it and commit suicide.
Hopefully it will never happen but that does not dim the prospect of it happening.

I am attempting to rid of the drinking, since I never get drunk off of Whiskey whatsoever anymore, I am putting my relationships on indefinite hold to try to put myself on the straight and narrow.
Smoking weed is something I do every week, But I'm positive it keeps me sane and gives me awhile to just chill.

But yeah, The one thing that frightens me is that one day I will no doubt snuff it, and will have to do it under the influence of alcohol and drugs to minimize pain.

[Landsharks eat metal]

It's starting again. The novelty of my program is wearing off and I'm noticing more and more that I"m getting left out of conversations. Every time I hear people saying negative things about someone I think they must be about me because of how ugly and weird I am. And if anyone else besides the people I told figured out I'm transgender, I don't even want to think about what they would say about me behind my back.

And I don't fucking get it. I'm still feeling a lot better than I was before, but every time I look down and see the veins in my arms, it makes me just want to slit my wrists to prove that I can because of how much I fucked up the first time I tried it however long ago that was. Even though if I did it right I wouldn't be proving anything to myself because I'd be dead.

[PhoenixAsh]

It's starting again. The novelty of my program is wearing off and I'm noticing more and more that I"m getting left out of conversations. Every time I hear people saying negative things about someone I think they must be about me because of how ugly and weird I am. And if anyone else besides the people I told figured out I'm transgender, I don't even want to think about what they would say about me behind my back.

We haven't talked in a while. Mostly my fault. I had a lot of stuff on my plate and I seriously lacked any motivation to talk to anybody...working fulltime and have a >25 hour commute every week. So I am not entirely up to speed on your program.

Reading what you wrote here...I am wondering. Are you really left out of conversations or do you think it could be the case that maybe you are perhaps shying away from them yourself maybe caused by the feelings of insecurity?

[Landsharks eat metal]

We haven't talked in a while. Mostly my fault. I had a lot of stuff on my plate and I seriously lacked any motivation to talk to anybody...working fulltime and have a >25 hour commute every week. So I am not entirely up to speed on your program. That's okay. I'm happy to hear from you now. I'm studying to be a veterinary assistant at a vocational school about 25 minutes away from my parents' house (and finally allowed to drive there on my own.)


Reading what you wrote here...I am wondering. Are you really left out of conversations or do you think it could be the case that maybe you are perhaps shying away from them yourself maybe caused by the feelings of insecurity? There's a little bit of both. Some of the time I just stay silent because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird, but sometimes they just sit there talking about parties or something they're doing that I'm not invited to, which is always seems to happen to me and is really hurtful, even though now I'm invited to go along with some of my classmates when they go out to lunch once a week.

[the Leftâ„¢]

So I told a story about a few pages ago about going to visit a girl i met at a college. She blew me off of course. Same horseshit I always go through. Women with baggage blah blah immature women who dont want to just be honest about relationships or feelings etc.

So my friend who was there with me as a wingman was like lets get drunk dude fuck it who cares about immature college women. I was like OK



LOL.

I met some girl during my drunken adventures who started talking to me about music, politics, we stargazed, hooked up, i spent the night, we laughed and spent almost 24 hours together. And shes visiting me in 5 days. :)

[¿Que?]

Let's all take five minutes to appreciate ourselves. Think of how badass we all are. Then, just take another 5 minutes to rejoice in our badassness.

Badasssssssssss

And then remember that there are people in this world who could use our help.

[NoOneIsIllegal]

etherized by indifference.

[Art Vandelay]

There's a little bit of both. Some of the time I just stay silent because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird, but sometimes they just sit there talking about parties or something they're doing that I'm not invited to, which is always seems to happen to me and is really hurtful, even though now I'm invited to go along with some of my classmates when they go out to lunch once a week.

I have been going through shit like this recently. I'm terrified to even be myself, minues around a few people, so I mostly just sit in silence worried that I will say something that will make people not like me. I really think its simlpy the mental illness fucking with our thought process, making us paranoid, but I guess I don't really know.

I think your awesome LEM and really wish I could just give you a hug.

[Landsharks eat metal]

My anxiety is really fucking with me now. This was one of the most frustrating days ever. I was really excited because we were having a special guest come in and speak to both the high school and adult classes about animal behaavior and trianing for the entire day, but it turned out crappy.

The presentation was okay, but it was both classes together (there;s a shitload of high schoolers) in one room and my adult class had to sit in the back, which makes being in a crowded room even worse for me because then I can see just how many people are in there. ANd the lady was talking and there were constantly kids getting up to use the bathroom which was in the back of the room and I could hear the toilet flush and some of the chairs squeaked and some kid was popping his gum which made me want to just strangle him. I started twitching a bit, both to keep me warm because the room was cold and to try to channel a little bit of my anxiety.

So I thought when we went to lunch, I ould have a bit of a reprieve. Except we didn't get to go early like usual. And it turned out I'd left my lunch at home. When other people forget their lunches, I always try to at least offer them something, but nobody offered me anything. I was already so scared that I was squeezing my arms against my side and walking really stiffly, but then I had to go into the crowded cafeteria, into a little back area I'd never been in before, and make my way through all the peoplethere to grab what I wanted to eat and buy it so I'd actually have time to eat befor I had to go back.

I just froze up. For a while, I could barely even move. I stood there stiff, still and wide-eyed, hyperventilating and shaking. I was able to move after my friend from class, who was back there to get a snack, said something to me, but then, when I was in line this one girl kept looking at me. (Or probably not at me, more like in my direction, but maybe at me because I was acting like a freak). I was legitimately terrified.

The rest of lunch went okay and so did a lot of the afternoon presentation. Until the end when some of the high schoolers got to leave to catch their buses. Everything just suddenly got way worse. I got to the point where I was literally pulling my hair out (only a little, but still looks really weird if someone notices.) I got home fine and had only minor setbacks walking my neighbor's dog, but I'm still sort of scared and shakng (which is why I have some typos I didn;t fix_)
I'm tired of this bullshit
I even took advabntae of the accommodations I have put in place where I can just leave the classroom for 10 minutes if I start to feel overstimulated, but it didn't really help.

[Zukunftsmusik]

That sounds horrible, Landsharks. I feel for you. Hope you're all right and calm now, and that you don't experience this too often.


The social life on this school is a fucking roller coaster. One day I have so much fun and feel like I'm close to people, the next day I feel completely alone and I get depressed because it seems like everyone else are super best buddies already. bleh.

[Landsharks eat metal]

That sounds horrible, Landsharks. I feel for you. Hope you're all right and calm now, and that you don't experience this too often. Yeah, I'm mostly better right now, but if anything else bad happens, I'm just going to break down and cry (but that's better than lashing out at innocent people, which is what I really want to do.)

What made it worse is that I found out that today was Mountain Day at my old college. They all got to get out of class and go up to the lake. Last year when I went to that, it turned out to be an awesome thing that actually led me to some friends I wouldn't have found if I hadn't been sitting in the sand all by myself because I didn't really feel like I could contribute to any of the conversations.

I saw a picture on Facebook of a lot of my old friends just hanging out together, and I remembered how much I missed them. They were really supportive of my struggles with my gender. And I'm kind of still in love with the one guy Adam there, even though I'm also still in love with Robert from the community college and Julia from my class now. And I will never have any of them


The social life on this school is a fucking roller coaster. One day I have so much fun and feel like I'm close to people, the next day I feel completely alone and I get depressed because it seems like everyone else are super best buddies already. bleh.
I can definitely identify with that in terms of every school I've been to. People are always talking about how they want to have classmates to their house for a party, but I'm never part of that. I spend time with people and enjoy myself for the most part, but when I speak I feel like they don't actually care. I've heard the terrible things they've said about others behind their backs (despite my trying to stop them from being assholes), so what do they say about me?

I get paranoid that people are actually just tolerating me because maybe they're scared of me for some reason and believe stupid shit. Like yesterday I was going to go to Subway with some friends, but some of them left early, and the ones who were going to drive me said they were having problems with their tire pressure and didn't want to go in case they'd get stuck. I was convinced for almost the whole time (and I'm still feeling this way a bit) that it was all an elaborate ruse to get rid of me [and, by extension, Julia] because I'm such a dork and who the hell would ever hang out with me.

Dammit, I'm sorry. I was trying to empathize but ended up whining instead.

[leftistman]

Aside from my complete boredom, I'm feeling fine. Last year was a rough year for me, though. For a little background story, it all started a few years ago when I was taking bar mitzvah lessons. I was sort of bullied by the teacher, it was nothing too serious but he would psychologically bully me for not being that religious. He pressured me into making Judaism a bigger part of my life. I started to keep kosher and I wore a kippah everywhere, and all of that superstitious nonsense. My friends were somewhat uncomfortable with my newfound religiousness. Nobody stopped being friends with me but they found it a little strange. About one year ago, during Rosh Hashanah(the Jewish new year celebration), which is coming up this weekend actually, my dad was discussing creationism with someone and I just instantly became an atheist. I could no longer accept a religion that maintained such absurd beliefs. Although I was a religious apologetic that claimed that evolution and creationism could co-exist, that really opened my eyes to how preposterous the whole religion was, especially the notion of an invisible man with magical powers who watched everything I did and cared about my sexuality or what I ate. Because of such sudden changes in my life I started to suffer from anxiety and had to go to a psychologist.

It was my first year of high school, a high school with less than 40 students, believe it or not. I began to feel very alienated from the world and still do but not as dramatically. It seems like all my friends are out partying and getting laid and all of that stuff but I'm not. It's not even those I really want but rather a relationship, a connection with someone. I've never really had anything like that with anyone. I've had best friends and I still have very good friends and always have but nobody's shoulder I could rest my head on. I've always been very bitter about dating but that's because I never felt like I was wanted or anyone really cared about me. I hate my school, I am completely disinterested in most of my classes. Every year I say that I will apply myself but I don't.

[NewLeft]

Kqikm, moiii sak moi uqa mow, Q eayi qa iaiww kci ewakk aag Q kam qa aa iyemw ics. Moqk cmoii mow eayi aag kam aium mc yi, q saka’m koii qk Q sak koeeckig mc kaw oiwwc ci acm.. kc moi kmoeqg eoww com gikuk aii qa moi aium kiam kc Q iiaeoig cqii asusaigww mc mim yw giku com.. aag moia akmiisaigk Q ceiaig kqiikcu aag cai ck yw mack sak iiqwikm, Q sak wqui koqm.. ewcki moqk goqeuww, kc Q gqg. Q moqau oi kas, koeu! Moia msc yqaomik akmii moi wiemoiii mow qk mawuqam mc ok accom wwkcucqky akkaqi aag Q’y sokm kqmmqam moiii moqauqam miiam mqyqam. Moia qa ciqmqak ewakk, si oaqi moqk akkqmayiam soiii wco sameo ycqqik aag wco siqmi a micoe ikkaw ca moi mceqe. Kc Q eqeuig moi ycqqi ime aag Q akuig yw micoe yami, oiw wco saaaa sameo moqk mcmimoii? Ak a saw ck miwqam mc wco uacs, yaui kiqiagk ime. qa yw yqag Q oag qm aww ewaaaig com, wqui co Q’ww ciqam eceecia ime.. moia oi’k wqui .. iiy.. Q yiaa si gca’m’ oaqi mc sameo moqk mcmimoii. Iisiemig. Q sak wqui, co wa.. koii cu, si’ww sameo qm awcai..

Q yim aacmoii kwcciyami, koi sak miwqam mc ci aww aqei aag kaw oiw! Q uqaga sokm kaqg oiw sqmocom a kyqwi aag iaa qamc yw iccy.

Kaeqaw iueiikkqca
Moqk sak cai ck yw wakm oceik

Kc moiii sak a ccg mcgaw, ockmig cw moi qimimaiqaa ewoc, Q mcmawww kcimcm Q kqmaig oe kci moam. Q siam moqauqam qm sak a ccg kci aacmoii ewoc, com moia soia Q mcm moiii Q iiawqyig qm sak qimimaiqaa.. moam eaa’m ci mcc cag iqmom? Q yiaa Q gca’m iqia iam yiam kc moam iwqyqaamik moi socwi kccg eiccwiy iqmom moiii.. Siww, Q siam qa moqauqam Q’ww yiim ais eicewi aag yaui kiqiagk ime ime. siww Q mcm moiii aag moikk soc moi kqikm eiikca Q kas sak? Woe, yw kwcci yami.. kci koeu kauik, oiii Q ay miwqam mc aqcqg eicewi Q uacs aag Q kii oqy moiii. Qa kaem am cai ecqam Q sak iqia ecakqgiiqam qaqqmqam oqy, com moaau mcg Q gqga’m.. kc oi sak mawuqam mc moqk cmoii mow aag Q siam cioqag moiy, uqaga asusaig. Moia Q sawuig cqii cikqgi moiy aag Q sak wqui oiw eam (oqk aayi qk eam cms) aag oi maqi yi a siqig oiw, Q’y acm koii qk qmk cieaoki ck moi siqig kcoagk moam siii ecyqam kicy yw iccy soia Q sak iuiieqkqam ci cieaoki oi kcimcm yw aayi. moia moi cmoii mow akuk qk siii qa kqikm wiai aag qy wqui wa com moia eam kecui kci yi eaoki Q moikk Q sak kmaiqam am oqy.. moia oi akuig soam eicmiay aag eam aaksiiig kci yi amaqa (Q’y uqaga oaeew oi gqg cieaoki Q oami mawuqam) Q sokm kiwm wqui moi saw Q sak wccuqam am ccmo ck moiy sak sokm asusaig. Iqia moi saw Q sawuig oe mc eam sak asusaig, Q sak wqui oiw eam, Q gqga’m moqau wco scowg ci oiii.. (soam qk moam koeeckig mc yiaa!) Moia eam sak wqui aii wco a qimimaiqaa, Q wccuig gcsa sqmo koayi aag Q sak wqui .. wa, oakcimoaamiww. Akmii moam oi sawuig asaw, moaau mcg. Moam iagk moam iaecoamii. Aium Q yim moqk qimaa mqiw aag kcyicai iwki. Si mawuig, siii aww uqaga asusaig, acmoqam eayi com ck qm. Q yim moqk cmoii mqiw soc yagi moi qei eiiay aag si mawuig accom yauqam qei eiiay, koi’k uqaga asusaig mcc… Q yiaa, koi sak miwwqam yi ocs koi’k 6mo wiai aag Q uqaga cqmeoww iikecagig, Q gqga’m uacs moiii sak a 6mo wiai. Asuk. Kc cieaoki ck ciqmqak, Q yqkkig moi kqikm oawk ck moi ccg aag kc aww moi kccg sak mcai cw moi mqyi Q mcm moiii. Moi caww moqam Q oag mc iam sak ecia.. yw wiakm kaqcoiqmi qimimacwi. Q eaqg 2 gcwwaik kci oawk a ecia aag samii. Aag keiauqam ck samii, moiii sak moqk cmoii gcoeoi-w wccuqam mow soc sak am moi ccg aag Q sak sokm sawuqam aicoag wqui Q goaac.. Q iagig oe giceeqam yw samii ccmmwi aag qm iagig oe keqwwqam iqmom aiai oqy. koeu yi, Q sak mcaaa mawu mc oqy... Q awkc yim moqk cmoii mqiw soc’k qimimaiqaa aag si mawuig, qm sak iiawww asusaig. Q yiaa iqiiwmoqam accom coi ecaqc kicy yw asusaig “oq” mc ciqamqam oe moi wccwask qaeqgiam aag moi kyqwqam sqmo ecia qa yw miimo. Q yiaa Q miqig iuewaqaqam mc oii moam Q gqga’m kmiaw com moia Q mcwg oii accom aacmoii mqyi soia Q gqg kmiaw, soam moi oiww sak Q moqauqam. Acmi mc kiwk, koom moi koeu oe. Koi mcwg yi oii kiqiagk sciu am moam kmcii aag Q’y wqui.. cco.. iag ecaqc. Kc Q iagig oe wiaqqam, eaoki Q gqga’m saaaa uaceu cqii wqui moi iamqii macwi ci kcyimoqam. Q sawuig caeu awcai, aag Q sokm kiwm wqui eiwqam. Sow gc Q iqia miw. Am wiakm acs Q uacs soiii Q kmaag sqmo yw kwcciyami, keiauqam ck soqeo, soia Q sak iamiiqam caeu qamc iik. Q oiaig oqy ceia oqk gcci kc Q sawuig iiawww kwcsww mc aqcqg ecamaem, yw iwik siii uqaga miaiw mcc. q kas oqy ceia oqk gcci aag moia ewcki qm iiaw goqeu. Moam’k siqig, com Q’y awkc kqmoqam qa iiwqik..

Kc oiii Q ay, ocyi awcai. Moqauqam Q saaaa wiaqi moqk ewaei aag aiqii ecyi caeu. Sokm kcimim Q iqii sak oiii.

Q gca’m kiiw wqui iuiieqkqam, Q mqqi oe.

[roy]

i feel really bad about myself and everything else. feels super awkward typing this; i dont share things. chasm in my stomach.

[Quail]

Going to a new school/college/university is hard from a social perspective. I don't have any friends on my course (partly because I repeated a year and everyone who started with me has graduated now, but also I never had any friends in the first place). I made uni friends through getting into political stuff (and smoking weed, but I don't condone getting into drugs to make friends!). I find it much easier because if I run out of stuff to say I always have the back-up of talking about politics. I find it really hard to socialise with most people because I don't really like getting drunk as hell and going to clubs, whereas that seems to be what most student socialising is based on.

[Nox]

I find it much easier because if I run out of stuff to say I always have the back-up of talking about politics.

I think you're overanalysing things lol

I do it too, I really gotta stop :P

[Landsharks eat metal]

I think I got ditched today. Some of my classmates and I were planning on going out to lunch together, but the girl I usually go with said she didn't have enough money, so she just packed a lunch. At lunch, when I went to get my lunch from my locker, she and some others were talking about Subway, and she started shushing them. I asked her about it and she said she had only about $2, but I didn't see how me being there would negate her having the money. Later, she was being nice to me, but I still have no idea what she says behind my back.

[leftistman]

So I told a story about a few pages ago about going to visit a girl i met at a college. She blew me off of course. Same horseshit I always go through. Women with baggage blah blah immature women who dont want to just be honest about relationships or feelings etc.

So my friend who was there with me as a wingman was like lets get drunk dude fuck it who cares about immature college women. I was like OK



LOL.

I met some girl during my drunken adventures who started talking to me about music, politics, we stargazed, hooked up, i spent the night, we laughed and spent almost 24 hours together. And shes visiting me in 5 days. :)


I think I got ditched today. Some of my classmates and I were planning on going out to lunch together, but the girl I usually go with said she didn't have enough money, so she just packed a lunch. At lunch, when I went to get my lunch from my locker, she and some others were talking about Subway, and she started shushing them. I asked her about it and she said she had only about $2, but I didn't see how me being there would negate her having the money. Later, she was being nice to me, but I still have no idea what she says behind my back.
I would suggest that you confront her, but that could very well come of as creepy and possessive. If it seems like your classmates don't want to spend time with you, try doing something nice for them. Good luck, comrade.

[Leftsolidarity]

I have a girlfriend now. It's pretty rad.

[Nox]

I think I got ditched today. Some of my classmates and I were planning on going out to lunch together, but the girl I usually go with said she didn't have enough money, so she just packed a lunch. At lunch, when I went to get my lunch from my locker, she and some others were talking about Subway, and she started shushing them. I asked her about it and she said she had only about $2, but I didn't see how me being there would negate her having the money. Later, she was being nice to me, but I still have no idea what she says behind my back.

Don't assume the worst.

It's quite possible that she really didn't have enough money and was shushing her friends because she didn't want you to mistakenly think that they were ditching you. At least, that's what I'd do if I was her. :)

[Nox]

I have a girlfriend now. It's pretty rad.

sek..... ok I'll stop now

[Jesus Saves Gretzky Scores]

I really like tattoos, but I worry, since everyone says they're not a good idea for leftists.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I really like tattoos, but I worry, since everyone says they're not a good idea for leftists.
I'm considering getting a portrait of Stalin on the backside of my balls. I need to remember to PM cmoney to ask what picture he used for the Stalin portrait on his ass-cheek.


OK, OK, pour your heart out. Well, uh, I could potentially have a possible relationship in the near future. This oughtta be interesting. She's cool, cute, and kinda shy/awkward (which I see as a positive trait because I can). And a stoner. Whenever I end up talking to her she can't stop smiling/giggling. And I know she's into me because we have a mutual friend, who's good friends with her, who has told me. Our schedules just NEVER fucking work out.

[Quail]

I really like tattoos, but I worry, since everyone says they're not a good idea for leftists.
I guess they do make you identifiable, plus two of mine are anarchist symbols so if it became dangerous to be an anarchist in the UK I'd have to be careful to keep them hidden. Mine are all in easy to hide places anyway though.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm so tired of the way people look at me in public just because I look androgynous/too feminine to be a guy. I just wanted to try on some clothes in a thrift store (which is hard enough already because I'm self-conscious about my weight) and this one lady who worked at the shop gave me this look like "what the fuck are you?" and all of a sudden I felt unwelcome in the entire world.

[Ele'ill]

I'm so tired of the way people look at me in public just because I look androgynous/too feminine to be a guy. I just wanted to try on some clothes in a thrift store (which is hard enough already because I'm self-conscious about my weight) and this one lady who worked at the shop gave me this look like "what the fuck are you?" and all of a sudden I felt unwelcome in the entire world.

About 30 minutes ago I had someone mean mugging me in the cosmetics aisle. Fuck them. Or fuck me, maybe they wanted to say hi.

[Art Vandelay]

Fuck life.

[¿Que?]

So I just learnt of this group of radicals in my town, who are all anti-ableist radicals. Fucking cool folks I tell ya. They need to be brought into the anti-capitalist revolutionary program, but other than that, their pretty legit.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I don't understand life. How can I survive in a world so full of hate? I'm tired of pretending that someone is someday going to love me for who I am.

[Art Vandelay]

I don't understand life. How can I survive in a world so full of hate? I'm tired of pretending that someone is someday going to love me for who I am.

Someone will LEM, I truly believe that there is someone out there for everyone.

[Crux]

Why do I pretend alcohol helps? I mean it was a good night and all, but yeah not so good with pacing myself when the anxiety comes a-knocking. Got home alright at least.

[Crux]

Of course I could go home and get wasted. got alcohol at home for once. but then again that would imply I've learned nothing at all. then again maybe I haven't. I don't usually drink often, but when I do I drink pretty hard. hm. Got nothing to do when I get back home anyway. Applied for doing the university test thingie at least. So progress. And tomorrow I have meeting that might lead to a job. So progress. So why do I feel like shit?

[Thirsty Crow]

Why do I pretend alcohol helps? I mean it was a good night and all, but yeah not so good with pacing myself when the anxiety comes a-knocking. Got home alright at least.
It does help if by "help" you mean something like "pass out and forget about this flood of shit", or something like it.
It doesn't last of course.

Though, it can tear you apart if you're prone to bad episodes when drunk.

Sorry, rambling.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm trying not to get back into this, but I feel like all my progress has just backslid and I'm going to be back to the way I was feeling a year ago, right before I was in the hospital. I can only pretend to be normal for so long, and I think people are starting to see through it. I feel like almost nobody wants to spend time with me anymore. I haven't cut myself in about a month, but that's only because I don't like lying to my therapist. And the only reason I got out of bed today was because I'd get yelled at if I didn't. I just want to curl up and die, but I know from experience that that's not going to happen.

I always feel so shitty in the fall.

[Zukunftsmusik]

What made it worse is that I found out that today was Mountain Day at my old college. They all got to get out of class and go up to the lake. Last year when I went to that, it turned out to be an awesome thing that actually led me to some friends I wouldn't have found if I hadn't been sitting in the sand all by myself because I didn't really feel like I could contribute to any of the conversations.

I saw a picture on Facebook of a lot of my old friends just hanging out together, and I remembered how much I missed them. They were really supportive of my struggles with my gender. And I'm kind of still in love with the one guy Adam there, even though I'm also still in love with Robert from the community college and Julia from my class now. And I will never have any of them

Nostalgia is painful, yet there's always something so tempting about diving into that emotion and just stay there forever.



Dammit, I'm sorry. I was trying to empathize but ended up whining instead.

That's all right, I read it more as "yeah we're more or less in the same boat here" than whining.


I think I got ditched today. Some of my classmates and I were planning on going out to lunch together, but the girl I usually go with said she didn't have enough money, so she just packed a lunch. At lunch, when I went to get my lunch from my locker, she and some others were talking about Subway, and she started shushing them. I asked her about it and she said she had only about $2, but I didn't see how me being there would negate her having the money. Later, she was being nice to me, but I still have no idea what she says behind my back.

If it's not as Nox says, this sucks. I'm of the type that always over-interpret stuff and assume the worst. At least it leaves me positively surprised from time to time.


I'm trying not to get back into this, but I feel like all my progress has just backslid and I'm going to be back to the way I was feeling a year ago, right before I was in the hospital. I can only pretend to be normal for so long, and I think people are starting to see through it. I feel like almost nobody wants to spend time with me anymore. I haven't cut myself in about a month, but that's only because I don't like lying to my therapist. And the only reason I got out of bed today was because I'd get yelled at if I didn't. I just want to curl up and die, but I know from experience that that's not going to happen.

I honestly don't know what to say to this, I always feel so useless when confronted with things like this. I don't know what to do or say to make things better, but you have my strongest sympathies and I hope you find more reasons to get out of bed, and I hope you find close friends at your college. It's not much, but I hope for you.


I always feel so shitty in the fall.
I always feel melancholic or depress through autumn, but it's still my favorite season. Autumn is beautiful.

[L.A.P.]

I feel for you bro/sis (semi-solemn daps for you), but I have to admit ... a communist and a Jehovah's Witness dating ... that sounds like a sitcom

strange thing is, the conversation totally started after basically talking about US imperialism, now that I think about it. :blink: How that conversation didn't turn awkward baffles me now.

[MotherCossack]

DEATH TO ALL VERIFICATION-FUCKING-CODES!!!!!!!!!!
and all those who had a hand in inventing, designing and applying the fuckers.......
They are put there to piss us off, obstruct the reasonable flow of things and cause poor innocent bastards like myself no end of fucking grief!!!!!!!!

i bet the sodding queen does not have to worry her slimy, wrinkled, pampered, pea-brain about such nonsense.

i mean who are they supposed to protect........
and i can really see the bloody Titanium Terminator...... about to infest the human world with her horrific machine supremacy.... but no..... hail the humble verification code.... against all the odds it saved humankind and defeated the machines...... all by itself!!!!!!??????

No!!!!! i think fucking not!!!!!!!!!!

bloody hell i am about ready to fling all my chips out the window!!!!!
or jump myself!!!!!!!

GOD I HATE THE WORLD THAT I INHABIT!!!! WE are slaves to our processing power, computer-age slaves not wage slaves!!!!

[MotherCossack]

and another thing........
spending 3 hours trying to sort out a paypal payment.... going round in more circles than does your average second hand in a lifetime of accurate time-keeping....finally achieve confirmation.......
only to realize that i forgot to update and change the address on my profile..... so the thing i bought i will probably never ever clap eyes on anyway.!!!!!

god i hate capitalism!!!!!!
god i hate modern capitalism!!!!!
god i hate internet fucking shopping!!!!

[Landsharks eat metal]

My friend Tiffany left today. She's transferring to a different school to study culinary arts. Everyone loved her. And she was one of the two people I came out to, who actually knows who I am and how I want to be seen.
She didn't even say goodbye to me. (maybe just because I'm shy, but it still felt awful.)

[MotherCossack]

i continue to do battle with technology!!!
i stand alone and befuddled.
yet bravely do i struggle on.....
through armies of verification codes, default messages, hordes of words and a sea of spam....
keyboard in one hand and mouse in the other.... i will prevail!..
and until such a time as all is surely lost ...
i will do all that is in my power to survive this....
MAC ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!

I hear a carrion cry....anon.... the darkness rises out yonder....
hark....the bell doth toll... and methinks the end is nigh....

if i go stark raving bonkers in the nut, i want you lot to know.....
i was done in by my computer.....
the first true computer crime!!!!

[Ele'ill]

I hate being sober.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I hate being sober.

For real I'm so high right now it's crazy and it's 11:11 as I type this o_0.

But there is this girl at work who I get all fuzzy about when she's here and she just quit and told me I should apply at this local Dollar Store she just got hired at. I think I just will, I'm tired of flipping burgers for a bunch of fuckers who don't appreciate the shit that I do for them. There were only like two managers I liked out of the 15-17 of them and one left to San Jose and one got her shift changed to when I don't work. Can't stand these assholes anymore. Anyways I like this girl and totally want to ask her out but I get weak kneed just thinking about it. Usually I'm not nervous at all about women that I like, approaching them and asking for numbers and such but I think my ex totally fucked me over emotionally somehow.

[Mass Grave Aesthetics]

I haven´t seen Omsk around here in quite some time. Where is he? I miss him!:crying:

[Landsharks eat metal]

I think most people just tolerate me and don't actually like me. Maybe I should kill myself just to be out of everyone's way.

[#FF0000]

I think most people just tolerate me and don't actually like me.

Wrong.


Maybe I should kill myself just to be out of everyone's way.

Nope

[Landsharks eat metal]

I don't know. I've seen a lot of evidence over the years that people don't actually care about me. I'm not necessarily saying everybody, but a lot. I've been abandoned by so many friends, and when it's me that has to leave, I'm really upset, but no one else gives a shit. My existence is kind of forcing people to pretend to like me because they feel bad that nobody (again, I'm using this term generally) likes me.
Although me dying wouldn't really help, at least not at first. Then they'd have to pretend to be sad I died to not look like jerkasses.

[Quail]

I don't know. I've seen a lot of evidence over the years that people don't actually care about me. I'm not necessarily saying everybody, but a lot. I've been abandoned by so many friends, and when it's me that has to leave, I'm really upset, but no one else gives a shit. My existence is kind of forcing people to pretend to like me because they feel bad that nobody (again, I'm using this term generally) likes me.
Although me dying wouldn't really help, at least not at first. Then they'd have to pretend to be sad I died to not look like jerkasses.
I feel like that a lot. I'm sure that you're looking at the world in a distorted way. When you (general you, not you personally) already feel bad about yourself you tend to put far more importance on things that can be taken as evidence that supports your hypothesis (such as "nobody likes me") and ignore anything that suggests you're wrong. I do it a lot. I dismiss pretty much anything nice that anyone says about me, but all the negative stuff stays with me forever.

[Nox]

It's only recently dawned on me that I am really messed up in the head, like extremely fucked up...

[Hermes]

It's only recently dawned on me that I am really messed up in the head, like extremely fucked up...

What made you realize that (assuming you have any interest in telling us)?

[Rugged Collectivist]

I think most people just tolerate me and don't actually like me. Maybe I should kill myself just to be out of everyone's way.

This probably isn't true. I've encountered a few people who have this asshole demeanor that makes it really difficult to know if they actually care about anything, but then there are those rare moments that confirm that they do.



It's only recently dawned on me that I am really messed up in the head, like extremely fucked up...

It's troubling isn't it :(

[#FF0000]

lonely

[Nox]

What made you realize that (assuming you have any interest in telling us)?

Just some thoughts I've been having recently and before too

[Quail]

It's reassuring to read about common OCD obsessions and know that I'm not the only person who has violent intrusive thoughts about harming/killing people I love and strangers in the street.

[Devrim]

I guess they do make you identifiable, plus two of mine are anarchist symbols so if it became dangerous to be an anarchist in the UK I'd have to be careful to keep them hidden. Mine are all in easy to hide places anyway though.

Not that easy during a strip search. I sort of thing they are a bit of a bad idea really.

Devrim

[Rugged Collectivist]

I guess they do make you identifiable, plus two of mine are anarchist symbols so if it became dangerous to be an anarchist in the UK I'd have to be careful to keep them hidden. Mine are all in easy to hide places anyway though.

You could always claim that you got them when you were going through your communist phase. They probably won't believe you but it's worth a shot.

[#FF0000]

awful: people telling me "you're just like your dad"
soul-crushing, spirit-defeating: dad telling me "you're just like me!"

[Landsharks eat metal]

I don't know who I'm trying to fool. No one will ever accept me as male. I'm just too shy. But I know I definitely can't be a normal girl; I tried it for 18 years. and I tried identifying as nonbinary for a while, but that wasn't me either. What's the point? I feel like I can't do anything without getting shit for it.

[Os Cangaceiros]

Is it weird to be in your early 20's and have persistent thoughts regarding one's own mortality? (Not in a suicidal sense or anything, just persistent realizations of one's own finite existence.)

[Os Cangaceiros]

Not that easy during a strip search. I sort of thing they are a bit of a bad idea really.

Devrim

If you're being strip searched, chances are that you're already in deep shit anyway, so I don't think a tattoo will matter...

[Ele'ill]

Is it weird to be in your early 20's and have persistent thoughts regarding one's own mortality? (Not in a suicidal sense or anything, just persistent realizations of one's own finite existence.)

No, but yes if it becomes an obsessive thought. It's really one of those always awesome things to think about 'I'm alive right now, this is real life, but I am going to die one day and there won't be anything at all.'

[Devrim]

If you're being strip searched, chances are that you're already in deep shit anyway, so I don't think a tattoo will matter...

It has happened to me four or five times. I don't think it was ever very serious.

Devrim

[Os Cangaceiros]

I've been strip searched by the police, too. They do take notice of tattoos, but only for gang affiliation purposes. I'd imagine that anarchist/communist tattoos would simply be written off as something along those lines.

But maybe it's different outside the USA.

[Art Vandelay]

Is it weird to be in your early 20's and have persistent thoughts regarding one's own mortality? (Not in a suicidal sense or anything, just persistent realizations of one's own finite existence.)

Nope I'm 19 and I relate to that; although to accurately describe me you'd have to add in the suicidal sense as well.

On a unrelated note, I love mother cossack. Those 3 rants about computers made my day.

I've missed you revleft.

[#FF0000]

Is it weird to be in your early 20's and have persistent thoughts regarding one's own mortality? (Not in a suicidal sense or anything, just persistent realizations of one's own finite existence.)

I dunno if it's weird but I've had persistent thoughts along these lines for awhile. Not so much lately but a few months ago I'd think about my own mortality very very often.

A friend of mine suggested it might be an indicator of poor health in general. I don't think that's true but w/e

[Rugged Collectivist]

awful: people telling me "you're just like your dad"
soul-crushing, spirit-defeating: dad telling me "you're just like me!"

I take it your dad is an unpleasant guy?


I don't know who I'm trying to fool. No one will ever accept me as male. I'm just too shy. But I know I definitely can't be a normal girl; I tried it for 18 years. and I tried identifying as nonbinary for a while, but that wasn't me either. What's the point? I feel like I can't do anything without getting shit for it.

Well, if you genuinely identify as male I don't think you're trying to fool anyone. It's just who you are. People are dicks, just give them a choice insult and walk away. If you're too shy for that, just walk away.


Is it weird to be in your early 20's and have persistent thoughts regarding one's own mortality? (Not in a suicidal sense or anything, just persistent realizations of one's own finite existence.)

I think it would depend on how persistent they are. Do these thoughts bother you or are you just kind of apathetic towards your own mortality?


A friend of mine suggested it might be an indicator of poor health in general. I don't think that's true but w/e

I think there could be some truth in it. I think about my mortality a lot when I'm ill, but I'm a bit of a hypochondriac so...

Anyway. I've finally accepted the fact that free will is an illusion, but I'm currently struggling with the implications of this. Has anyone else ever gone through the same thing?

[#FF0000]

I take it your dad is an unpleasant guy?

he is a tremendous child. i'm mostly concerned that i will have his temper (i do). He used to yell all the time (and still does) and when we'd ask him "hey can you stop yelling" (mostly when we were kids) he'd say "NOPE IF I DON'T YELL THE ALTERNATIVE IS HITTING" and I was like "goddamn dude you are the worst".

[MotherCossack]

It's only recently dawned on me that I am really messed up in the head, like extremely fucked up...

hmmm...

i have only just noticed a troubling simultaneous equation in the make-up of me...

the physics of me!
---------------------
============

It involves the following 4 elements:

1/ bad shit
2/ great shit
3/ fine and dandy feelings
4/ feel like crap feelings

firstly, one would expect this:

1/ bad shit causes feel like crap feelings.

2/ great shit causes fine and dandy feelings

but i get this:

1/ bad shit= crap feelings.

2/ great shit= equally crap feelings.

3/ bad shit x about 4 = uncontrollable giggling followed by brief fine and dandy feelings, then back to crap.

4/ great shit = brief attempt at fine and dandy feelings followed by crap feelings x 5.

so what do i do ??? pray for rain?

[Art Vandelay]

Day one of taking my anti-depressants; wish me luck folks, hopefully things start to get better and not much much worse.

[The Jay]

If these aren't working for you, try another. I know that some people need to change a few times to find the right one(s). Good luck and let me know how you're doing!

[Art Vandelay]

If these aren't working for you, try another. I know that some people need to change a few times to find the right one(s). Good luck and let me know how you're doing!

Thanks for being so nice to me man, I'll keep ya updated.

[Quail]

Day one of taking my anti-depressants; wish me luck folks, hopefully things start to get better and not much much worse.
Give it a few weeks before you decide whether they're doing anything. It takes a while for them to start working properly. If it gets worse in the next few days, try to hold on to the idea that it's just because your body is getting used to the medication. When you first start taking anti-depressants they can make you feel more anxious.