Corny Communism Jokes

[Aussie Trotskyist]

Hey guys.

I've recently taken to collecting corny jokes, and I though it would be cool to have some about leftists.

If you guys have any, or make any up, may you please share them. It doesn't necessarily need to be communist, It could be anarchist, socialist, maybe even capitalist.

Here are a few off the top of my head.

Q. Why do communists hate chemists?

A. Because they're reactionary.


Q. What does anti-revisionism mean?

A. Not studying for exams.


In Soviet Russia, joke make you.

[Tim Cornelis]

Q: Why did the KGB operate in groups of three?

A. One could read, one could write and the other could take out the two intellectuals.

[Deicide]

Stalin jokes.

Stalin attends the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie. He happily laughs and smiles during the movie, but when the movie ends he suddenly asks, "Well, I liked the comedy. But why does that clownish character have a moustache just like mine? Stalin says," Everyone is speechless; someone sheepishly suggests, "But Comrade Stalin, may be the actor shaves off his moustache?" Stalin replies, "Good idea! First shave then shoot."

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed? " At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"

A secretary is standing outside the Kremlin when Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin and she hears him mutter under his breath, "murderous moustache!". She runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, "I just heard Zhukov say "murderous moustache"!" Stalin dismisses the secretary and sends for Zhukov, who comes back in. "Whom did you have in mind with "murderous moustache"?" asks Stalin. "Why, Hitler, of course, Iosef Vissarionovich." Stalin thanks him and dismisses him, and calls the secretary back. "And whom did you think he was talking about?"

An old wench waited for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, glory to God!" The driver said, "Mother, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin." "Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me." After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?" "Well, then you may say, "'Glory to God!"

At a May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a placard which reads, "Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" The Party representative approaches the old man. "What's that? Are you deriding our Party? Everybody can see, when you were a child, comrade Stalin was not yet born!" The old man replies, "That's precisely what I'm grateful to him for!"

Every morning a man would come up to the newspaper stand, and buy a copy of Pravda, look at the front page and then toss it angrily into the near-by bin. The newspaper-seller was intrigued. "Excuse me," he said to the man, "Every morning you buy a copy of Pravda from me and chuck it in the bin without even opening it. What do you buy it for?" "I'm only interested in the front page,' replied the man. 'I'm looking out for a death notice." "But you don't get death notices on the front page," said the newspaper-seller, taken aback. "I assure you, the death notice I'm looking for will be on the front page."

These are genuine Russian jokes. Apparently.

[Revolution starts with U]

Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for. The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”
:lol:

[Regicollis]

A Soviet trade delegation had been in Paris and returned full of excitement about the city of lights. Among the many things they had seen in there they were most impressed about a strip club they had visited so it was promptly decided that there should be a strip club in Moscow too. So they opened a strip club that was an exact replica of the one from Paris. The opening night turned out to be a great failure so a meeting was held to find out what went wrong.
"I don't understand it the music was the same as in Paris"
"And the interior was also the same..."
"And the stripper... well there can't be anything wrong with her; she's been a member of the central committee for 40 years..."

---

Back in East Germany Erich Honecker stood up in the morning and looked out of the window. The sun was shining bright.
"Good morning sun!" Erich said
"Good morning Erich!" the sun replied.
Erich then went to work and during the lunch break he looked out of the window again.
"Good day sun!" he said.
"Good day Erich!" the sun replied.
Erich then went to his datcha. In the evening he sat on the porch and looked at the sunset.
"Good evening sun!" he said.
"Fuck you Erich!" the sun replied "I'm in the west now!".

---

Putin and Kin Jong-Un held a meeting in Moscow. There was lots of vodka and they started bragging about who had the most loyal guards. Putin decided to show how loyal his guards were and commanded one of them to jump out the window. The Russian guard promptly ran for the window. Putin who had sobered up a bit managed to stop him at the last second.
"What are you thinking!" he shouted to the guard "You have a wife and children! You'll be killed!".
Kim Jong-Un did not want Putin to think that his guards were more loyal so he commanded one of them to jump out the window. The North Korean guard ran for the window and was stopped in the last second by Putin.
"What are you thinking!" the North Korean guard shouted "I have a wife and children! They'll be killed!"

[campesino]

a soviet elementary school teacher is lecturing about communism in school, and ends the lesson with "as communist, our end goal is to create world communism"
little vladimir raises his hand and ask

"but if the entire world becomes communist, who will we import grain from?"

[Deicide]

Three men sit in a jail in (KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, "Because I criticized Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail too. He responds, "I'm Karl Radek." :laugh:

Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there."

"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" — "Yes" — "And how many have you collected so far?" — "Three and a half labor camps."

We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us! - Probably my favourite.

[ArrowLance]

Stalin jokes.

A secretary is standing outside the Kremlin when Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin and she hears him mutter under his breath, "murderous moustache!". She runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, "I just heard Zhukov say "murderous moustache"!" Stalin dismisses the secretary and sends for Zhukov, who comes back in. "Whom did you have in mind with "murderous moustache"?" asks Stalin. "Why, Hitler, of course, Iosef Vissarionovich." Stalin thanks him and dismisses him, and calls the secretary back. "And whom did you think he was talking about?"

I really like this one, and it is actually a very serious issue.

[Regicollis]

In the GDR a teacher asked her class why it was more correct to say "Our Soviet brothers" than "Our Soviet friends".
Little Klaus answers "Because unlike family you get to choose you friends".

---

An East German worker was being sent to Siberia to work. He knew that his letters home would be censored so he and his friends agreed that when he wrote back everything he wrote in blue ink would be true and everything he wrote in red ink would be a lie.

A few months after his departure his friends received a letter from him written in blue ink:

"Dear Friends! Conditions here in Siberia are good. The work is easy, there is plenty of food and you can buy all kinds of consumer goods. The only thing you cannot buy is red ink."

[Regicollis]

A high-ranking party bureaucrat was walking on the harbour in Rostock, East Germany. He wanted to talk to the sailors to get an idea of how trade was going.
"What are you bringing with you?" he asked a sailor
"Vehicles and machinery"
"Where are you going?"
"Cuba"
"What are you taking home?"
"Sugar"

"What are you bringing with you?" he asked another sailor
"Vehicles and machinery"
"Where are you going?"
"Angola"
"What are you taking home?"
"Bananas"

"What are you bringing with you?" he asked a third sailor
"Vehicles and machinery, sugar and bananas"
"Where are you going?"
"The Soviet Union"
"What are you taking home?"
"We take the train home"

[Deicide]

We have no gay people in the Soviet Union — there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three-year waiting list for that.

[Regicollis]

Q: How was string quartets formed in the Soviet Union?
A: By sending a symphony orchestra on tour in the West.

[seventeethdecember2016]

RESISTANCE!

http://funwithsnapcircuits.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/omega.gif

[Regicollis]

A rich oil sheik had a hobby of collecting luxury cars. When he heard about the long waiting lists to get a Trabant in East Germany he imagined that the Trabbi must be a very exclusive car and immediately placed an order.

Impressed with the prospects of improving relations with the Gulf state the East German government made the Trabant factory produce a car in no time and shipped it to the oil sheik.

When the sheik opened the container and saw the Trabant he was thrilled and said: "That's what I call good customer service! You might have to wait a long time to get your car - but they'll send you a cardboard model in the mean time - and it can even drive!"

[Blake's Baby]

An old Jewish man is sitting in a park reading a Hebrew dictionary when two KGB men come up.

'Hey old Jew, why are you reading that dictionary?' one asks.

'So when I go to heaven, I can speak Hebrew' he replies.

'What if you go to hell, old man?' the second KGB man asks.

'Russian I can speak already.'

[The Machine]

three leftists, a german social democrat, a spanish anarchist, and a soviet communist meet for coffee.

"Sorry I'm late," the social democrat says, "I was standing in a queue all day for sausage'

"What's a queue?" the anarchist asks.

"What's a sausage?" inquires the soviet.

[Tim Cornelis]

q8vDQaAYaQg

"The current generation of Soviet people will live under communism" -- Khrushchev in 1961.

[Aussie Trotskyist]

These are all great.

I was more looking for something corny like

Q. What do you call a joke made up of Cobalt, Radon and Yttrium?

A. CoRnY

But these are all great.

[Aussie Trotskyist]

RESISTANCE!



And that was Hilarious. I hope you don't mind if I post it on Facebook.

I didn't post the image here because I'm not allowed to.

[Tim Cornelis]

Something like this then?

Do you know why communists like herbal tea? Because they are against proper tea.

Accompanying sound effect (http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=rimshot).

(of course a communist 'variation' of the well known anarchist joke, but maybe you haven't heard it yet).

[ed miliband]

"communism"

[Aussie Trotskyist]

Something like this then?

Do you know why communists like herbal tea? Because they are against proper tea.

(of course a communist 'variation' of the well known anarchist joke, but maybe you haven't heard it yet).


That's good. Took a while for it to hit me, but it did.

And yes, that was the type of joke I was looking for.

[Agent Ducky]

RESISTANCE!

http://funwithsnapcircuits.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/omega.gif

Even more corninesss:
√Ω
RADICAL RESISTANCE.

[seventeethdecember2016]

Alexander the Great, Caeser, and Napoleon all met at a parade in Red Square.

"Wow! With those tanks, I would have been invincible!" said Alexander.

"Wow! With those airplanes, I would have conquered the whole world!" said Caeser.

"Wow! With the Pravda, the whole world, even now, would not have found out about Waterloo!" said Napoleon.



A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."



A guest lecturer was giving a lecture about the ever-growing prosperity of the Soviet people.

In the back row Rabinovich put up his hand. "Comrade lecturer, what you say is very interesting, but if we're so prosperous, where has all the meat gone?"

The next day the guest lecturer was giving another lecture on the ever-growing prosperity of the Soviet people.

In the back row Haimovich puts up his hand. "Comrade lecturer, what you say is very interesting, and I don't care about the lack of meat, but where has Rabinovich gone?"


Amazing news filters through to the Kremlin. Stalin is alive, and living in deepest Siberia. A team is sent out to find him, and coax him back to Moskva to take power.
They reach him, and begin their entreaties;
"Comrade Stalin, Russia needs you. We are down and weak; we need your strength, your wisdom and your iron will."
The aged Stalin leans back stroking his now white moustache, thinking.
"I'll do it, on one condition."
"What, comrade"
"No Mr. Nice Guy this time around."

[Regicollis]

A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. The Chairman gives a speech, "Dear comrades! Let's look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known over the entire region. Or look, Ivan Andreev, he was the poorest man in this village, he had no horse, no cow, and not even an ax. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev - he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody trusted him even with a snowdrift in wintertime as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he's a Secretary of the Party Committee!"

----

Q: What's the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?
A: The capitalist fairy tale starts out; "once upon a time there was....", The Marxist fairy tale starts out; "some day there will be...."

----

From the USSR:
"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years."
"She must really cook well by now!"
"No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."

----

During the early stages of the Berlin Wall an east-west conversation could be had by shouting over the wall. Two boys, one from the west and one from the east, used this opportunity.
"The east is the best place to live!"
"No the west is much better! - We have bananas!"
"Yeah... But you don't have socialism!"
"We'll just get that!"
"Then you won't get any bananas!"

[Regicollis]

Q: What is the difference between communism and an orgasm?
A: You spend much longer time moaning under communism.

---

A foreign journalist talked to a man on the street in East Berlin
"What do you think of Honecker?"
"You must be insane to ask such a question in the middle of the street with all those people around!"
They then went to a cemetery and the journalist repeated his question
"I'm not telling you here. You never know if someone may be hiding behind the tombstones."
They then went out on a flat field with no people in sight.
"What do you think of Honecker?" the journalist asked.
"I actually think he's all right but if that becomes publicly known I'll be lynched."

---

Two men were walking down an East Berlin street.
"What would you do if the wall fell over right now?"
"I would climb up the nearest tree!"
"Why on earth would you do that?"
"I don't want to be trampled to death."

[ckaihatsu]

Eeen fore-more Saw-vee-et Raw-sha, wheech whoz nawt ak-shoo-ul com-you-niz-um, bawt whoz cown-tare-wait to Yoo-Ess hay-gem-mony, jawkes make fawn off you!


x D

[Workers-Control-Over-Prod]

A GDR citizen is sent to Siberia to "Soviet Assistance of Electrical Management" set up and promises his friend that he will write. His friend tells him that for measures of privacy, he should use red ink if it is false and blue ink if it is true. After leaving the Dresden airport to Moskau, he takes the Transsiberian train through the Siberian wilderness and nature to the town of Sweydastra. When he arrives at his hotel, he finds everything quite decent; a 'toilet, an own bathroom, a nightset with a flower vase, sturdy bed, a near by cinema, and a girl in the hotel from Hansastadt Rostock'. After his first night there, he goes to the nearest post office and rather reluctantly asks the comrade at the counter for a blue ink pen and sends a letter to his friend. 'I have arrived in my hotel yesterday and even met a nice german girl from Hansastadt. The bed was nearly as comfortable as my own at home, though the Russian vodka is quite something to handle. The only thing I could not find was red ink'.

[Prometeo liberado]

A Soviet trade delegation had been in Paris and returned full of excitement about the city of lights. Among the many things they had seen in there they were most impressed about a strip club they had visited so it was promptly decided that there should be a strip club in Moscow too. So they opened a strip club that was an exact replica of the one from Paris. The opening night turned out to be a great failure so a meeting was held to find out what went wrong.
"I don't understand it the music was the same as in Paris"
"And the interior was also the same..."
"And the stripper... well there can't be anything wrong with her; she's been a member of the central committee for 40 years..."


I don't understand this? If the Comrade/Stripper in question had been a member of the Politburo for 40 years why would they need to become a stripper? And where would they find the time? Government work at that high a level can take up many working hours, no? Makes no sense.:confused:

[Comrade Samuel]

"Capitalism and communism stand at opposite poles. Their essential difference is this: The communist seeing the rich man and his fine home says, “No man should have so much.” The capitalist seeing the same thing says, “All men should have as much.” --Phelps Adams

You want a corny joke about communism? right there!

Also, I'm getting quite a kick out of a few of these keep 'em up!

[Prometeo liberado]

"Capitalism and communism stand at opposite poles. Their essential difference is this: The communist seeing the rich man and his fine home says, “No man should have so much.” The capitalist seeing the same thing says, “All men should have as much.” --Phelps Adams

You want a joke? There's a joke!

OK wait, If the poliburo member has been there for 40 years I would assume that she already has housing of some sorts, right? So why is this person out there house shopping? Makes nooooo sense.

[Comrade Samuel]

A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. The Chairman gives a speech, "Dear comrades! Let's look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known over the entire region. Or look, Ivan Andreev, he was the poorest man in this village, he had no horse, no cow, and not even an ax. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev - he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody trusted him even with a snowdrift in wintertime as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he's a Secretary of the Party Committee!"

----

Q: What's the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?
A: The capitalist fairy tale starts out; "once upon a time there was....", The Marxist fairy tale starts out; "some day there will be...."

----

From the USSR:
"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years."
"She must really cook well by now!"
"No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."

----

During the early stages of the Berlin Wall an east-west conversation could be had by shouting over the wall. Two boys, one from the west and one from the east, used this opportunity.
"The east is the best place to live!"
"No the west is much better! - We have bananas!"
"Yeah... But you don't have socialism!"
"We'll just get that!"
"Then you won't get any bananas!"

This one here was really one of the most brilliant things I've ever read, that's going in my sig did you come up with that one by yourself?

[Regicollis]

This one here was really one of the most brilliant things I've ever read, that's going in my sig did you come up with that one by yourself?

Nope. I think it is from the USSR.

[Aussie Trotskyist]

Hey, I just remembered this one.

Communists have no class.

There is an image to go with it, but I'm not allowed to post images yet.

[Agent Ducky]

Going off what the person above me said,
Communists can have parties all day and all night because they have no classes.

[eyeheartlenin]

From Krokodil, a Soviet-era humor magazine, from the mid-60's, when I was in college:

Two Russians are having a conversation:

"Comrade, in your factory, who is responsible for anti-religious propaganda?"
"God only knows!" (Original: bog yeevó znáyet!)

* * *

People probably already know that Pravda means "truth," and Izvestia means "news." When I was an undergraduate Russian major, one of our Profs, a Don Cossack named Victor Mikhailovich, taught us how to say, "There's no truth in Pravda, and there's no news in Izvestia."

[Comrade Trollface]

In Soviet Russia, sheep fucking YOU!

[ckaihatsu]

Hey, I just remembered this one.

Communists have no class.

There is an image to go with it, but I'm not allowed to post images yet.


"I supported the idea of a classless society until I found out what it really meant! : ) "

[Porn photo of group sex in progress]


tinyurl.com/4dpofpu

[Aussie Trotskyist]

Going off what the person above me said,
Communists can have parties all day and all night because they have no classes.

Nobody parties harder than the communists! Even our salute looks like s fist pump!

[ckaihatsu]

Nobody parties harder than the communists! Even our salute looks like s fist pump!


I use the hammer and sickle to get the caps off beers...!

[Aussie Trotskyist]

Hey, I just though of another joke. Type "Coffee Party" into Google.

Now, I'm not completely sure, but its come across as a Democrat version of the Tea Party. As such, some of its statements on democracy and capitalism are jokes in themselves.