Pour Your Heart Out XIV

[TheGodlessUtopian]

New thread, new drama, new chances to help-get to it! :cool:

Note to Self: thread no.14

Edit: Link to last thread: http://www.revleft.com/vb/pour-your-heart-t170812/index.html

[Luc]

it should be XIV :p

edit: ah damn forgot this was PYHO sorry for spam >.>

[TheGodlessUtopian]

it should be XIV :p

edit: ah damn forgot this was PYHO sorry for spam >.>

Classical, Original... urgh... just a moment...

[Leftsolidarity]

From now on you should start a new one and then close the old one with a link to the new one in the last post. That would be fantesticles.

[¿Que?]

Went to the therapist today. Was in a totally *****y mood. The therapist was maybe a bit offended or frustrated with my totally pessimistic cynical attitude. She tried to give me advice, but I kept pointing out that all her advice has either already been tried, or is unfeasable. She asked me what would help me. I said, and I feel kind of dumb for saying this, but I said to my therapist, short of a proletarian revolution, I don't think anything can help me. Went home, slept, woke up 30 minutes before I had to go to work, smoked a bowl, went to work, and damn it if I didn't feel a little better. True story.

[Nox]

Went to the therapist today. Was in a totally *****y mood. The therapist was maybe a bit offended or frustrated with my totally pessimistic cynical attitude. She tried to give me advice, but I kept pointing out that all her advice has either already been tried, or is unfeasable. She asked me what would help me. I said, and I feel kind of dumb for saying this, but I said to my therapist, short of a proletarian revolution, I don't think anything can help me. Went home, slept, woke up 30 minutes before I had to go to work, smoked a bowl, went to work, and damn it if I didn't feel a little better. True story.

How did she react when you said that?

[Ele'ill]

I feel like my life is getting worse like I'm being slowly stretched out down this black corridor away from sights and sounds (memories I guess) of friends and family doing things together with their smiles and voices and even the fights and stuff It's kind of like being shot into space where everything just falls out behind you as the void wraps around to either side.

[Hermes]

Just assisted in a dog getting taken away by animal control...

I hate that they can't just wander around, but the chances it'll get hit by a car are immense, and there are little children playing around and teenagers/adults who tease/antagonize dogs, and I don't want it to get put down. The owner wouldn't even answer his door.

[Salyut]

She was never my friend, and basically set out to exploit me from the get go. Probably laughed at me the entire fucking time.

BRB WHISKEY

[X5N]

I'm...afraid...

I want to leave later this year, ideally before the wretched holiday season. But if I do that...I'll be utterly abolishing my present way of life, which is relatively cushy compared to how most people in the world (and in the U.S.) live. And there will be no turning back.

I feel like this is something I must do. But it all feels so...surreal, like it's not something that's really going to happen. It feels silly. But...it's either that, or extreme misery.

Basically, what I'm afraid of so much is the fact that I'll probably wind up some sort of hobo -- sleeping in my car or on a couch, maybe even hitchhiking if my car fucks up (when I get a car of course...or rather, if).

I might even just hitchhike. I probably won't be getting a fucking car any time soon. First of all, my attempts to learn how to drive have totally flopped, with it just going nowhere -- I've been practicing for like two fucking years, haven't taken the test once. And my father can't find a damn car. Every single one that's in his price range just isn't good enough for him.

[¿Que?]

How did she react when you said that?
I don't really remember, I think she objected in some way and suggested I should think of a different way of approaching the issue (the issue was loneliness and isolation and feeling used and unappreciated mixed with feelings of guilt and perceptions that I am shallow and as bad as everyone else). We've talked about stuff like this before. She even read something on anarcho-feminism which she had never heard of.

[Crux]

An anxiety attack lurking under the surface.

[Ele'ill]

An anxiety attack lurking under the surface.

Me too, I've felt this for a few days now. Nothing particular is going wrong but there was a day not too long ago where I just felt disassociated with the world and everything was just weird and emotionally hard to process. Also really vivid dreams where even the good ones I wake up from not feeling good. It all usually ends with a week of panic and then exhaustion and then it's over for a while.

[Salyut]

She didn't cringe because she knew she'd hurt me: she cringed because it was me.

I can't kill the memory oh god.

[Ele'ill]

She didn't cringe because she knew she'd hurt me: she cringed because it was me.

I can't kill the memory oh god.

Since I don't feel I can offer anything helpful to you due to lack of information, what kind of whiskey and what kind of music?

[Nox]

She was never my friend, and basically set out to exploit me from the get go. Probably laughed at me the entire fucking time.

BRB WHISKEY

Could you share this story? I'm so nosey they call me Pinnochio ;)

[Salyut]

Since I don't feel I can offer anything helpful to you due to lack of information, what kind of whiskey and what kind of music?

Whyte and Mackay Special. No music. Ended up stumbling out of my room into the walls. Fun.


Could you share this story? I'm so nosey they call me Pinnochio.

I'll save it for tomorrow...But basically when I started taking Women's Studies classes a friend made a joke about running into predatory women there. To make a long story short - turns out that wasn't a joke and woo boy I got burned.

[Zav]

He ignores me for months, and then out of the blue acts like we're together again, and what is the first thing he does? He asks for nudes. :mad:
And I gave him some.:(

[Lobotomy]

He ignores me for months, and then out of the blue acts like we're together again, and what is the first thing he does? He asks for nudes. :mad:
And I gave him some.:(

this made me sad :(

[Zav]

this made me sad :(
I'm sorry.:(

[Lanky Wanker]

Just assisted in a dog getting taken away by animal control...

I hate that they can't just wander around, but the chances it'll get hit by a car are immense, and there are little children playing around and teenagers/adults who tease/antagonize dogs, and I don't want it to get put down. The owner wouldn't even answer his door.

To cut a fairly long story short, I called the local animal rescue/shelter thing to pick up a family of kittens and the mother that were hanging around in our garden a few years ago... next day we found out they belonged to the people on the other side of the fence or whatever. Could always be worse, my friend.

[Goblin]

This week has been kinda hard for me because i have stopped taking benzos. The withdrawals where not all that bad to be honest. The lack of sleep really blew though. Glad i managed to quit.

Im not so depandent on opiates as i used to be so im almost done with them aswell.

What really sucks is that i have kinda gotten back into huffing. You see, i have been home alone this weekend with no pills or booze. So while wandering around my appartment in boredom i found a can of tire spray thingy. Looking at the can, i saw that it contained propane and butane. I knew from past experiences that this can get you high, so i decided to spray some on a rag and inhale it. I havent huffed since i was 15, and back then i only huffed this deodorant spray stuff wich also contained propane and butane (i sound like Hank Hill).

Well, i have to admit, i really enjoyed the high i got. Much better than the deodorant. My heart started beating really fast, which kinda made me freak out though. I am aware that huffing is really dangerous, but i doubt i will do it more.

[Salyut]

Could you share this story? I'm so nosey they call me Pinnochio ;)

Alright story time. fyi I'd mentioned this girl in previous Pour Your Heart out threads since September. This bullshit is why I've been real scare on Revleft and other sites in the last six months. I started drinking and smoking and took a GPA hit all due to this bullshit.

Met what I thought at the time was an amazingly smart and beautiful girl in my Intro to Womens Studies class. She was paying an inordinate amount of attention to me (first time this ever happened), and was out of a relationship so I thought I had a chance. Everyone I told about the situation in detail basically was all "DUDE GO FOR IT" - including my therapists. I told her that I was attracted to her...

She cringed. Like big time dramatic cringe.

At the time I thought it was because she didn't want to hurt me. I know better now. :thumbdown:

Then she dumped her problems on me, and being the overly helpful/doormat that I am, I helped her address them. She didn't take an active role in the "friendship" and explained this by "HURR DURR I'M LONELY AND SHY". Then she eventually cut me out of her life real sudden like I was scum. This after pretending to be my close friend and having me talk about hurtful personal issues with her. She was probably laughing at me the entire time behind my back.

She basically used me as an emotional jizz rag, and pretended to be a lonely geek girl so she could do this. Also had no problem exploiting me despite knowing I've had past issues with this. No consideration for my boundaries despite me trying to never violate hers (ie texting me during my therapy session demanding I help sort her shit out). Hilariously, I actually managed to help get her shit fixed...which counted for fuck all as it turns out. There were red flags during this entire episode...but I dismissed them as internalized misogyny (another story in itself). When everything came crashing down, I took it out on myself. It wasn't until I approached my new female friends I'd made at the Pride center that I was able to recognize that none of this was my fault, and that I deserve so much more then the bullshit that I had to put up with. If I hadn't been so fucking desperately lonely, I would have been all LOL GTFO at the cringe part.

Oh. She also thought Women's Studies and Feminism were jokes. She played along initially, but at the end the facade she'd made for herself was slipping. Same with her being Bi/Queer identified - in retrospect it seems like this was straight up attention seeking bullshit....really everything she played herself off as was. @[email protected]

I also discovered my backbone at this point; so its maybe not surprising that she cut me off once I learned that I was able to stand up for myself. I'm pretty sad that she stole six months of my life from me, but I'm also really fucking happy that I don't have to beat up on myself anymore. Also as a consequence, I've taken to hanging out with queer women and discovered that not all women are crazy sociopaths that seek to exploit me by using my sexuality as leverage...just the ones who display interest in me. :(

Still. With my friends support, I can safely say that I'm a far better person then she deserves, or will ever have. :) I am NOT the pathetic/horrible person here...but its taken me months to realize this. I'm glad she's out of my life, and if she tries to get in again...NOPE.

[Art Vandelay]

Me too, I've felt this for a few days now. Nothing particular is going wrong but there was a day not too long ago where I just felt disassociated with the world and everything was just weird and emotionally hard to process. Also really vivid dreams where even the good ones I wake up from not feeling good. It all usually ends with a week of panic and then exhaustion and then it's over for a while.

I think you just described me perfectly.

[MotherCossack]

boy am I one hell of a seriously pissed off fucking mother...
i am so sad
i feel so bad
etc etc

[Luc]

boy am I one hell of a seriously pissed off fucking mother...
i am so sad
i feel so bad
etc etc

what did the colonol do? :/

[Art Vandelay]

boy am I one hell of a seriously pissed off fucking mother...
i am so sad
i feel so bad
etc etc

I couldn't imagine what my mother went through raising me....it would of been hell. Just find some sort of condolence in the fact that when they reach around my age (19) it starts to become clear how much your parents sacrificed for you and how spoiled you truly were.

[MotherCossack]

what did the colonol do? :/

here's the thing..... i can't even remember... and it was... like .... yesterday
the catastrophes... they just keep on coming....
and the kernal.... well he is just being a post-pubescent bloke....
shame he has chosen me to practise being a hard bastard on.....
maybe i am not cut out for motherhood....
or life.... for that matter.

but it is not fair.... my kids were such lovely angel cherubs.... until a second or two ago......and now they are so mean...

still... i'm up for the fight i suppose.....
and we'll all be friends again one day.... i hope.

[Crux]

Me too, I've felt this for a few days now. Nothing particular is going wrong but there was a day not too long ago where I just felt disassociated with the world and everything was just weird and emotionally hard to process. Also really vivid dreams where even the good ones I wake up from not feeling good. It all usually ends with a week of panic and then exhaustion and then it's over for a while.
So today's not as bad as that day...but it won't go away. I wish I had more money than to cover my bare minimums. I need something else, but all my distractions cost money and most require that I get the fuck out of this town and traintickets are fucking expensive too. I am trying to keep a smoke discipline. it's going so-so. I'm down from half a pack a day anyway. so. I burned myself a little little bit with cigarettes the other day. It felt good. It cleared my head. that worries me.

[Art Vandelay]

So today's not as bad as that day...but it won't go away. I wish I had more money than to cover my bare minimums. I need something else, but all my distractions cost money and most require that I get the fuck out of this town and traintickets are fucking expensive too. I am trying to keep a smoke discipline. it's going so-so. I'm down from half a pack a day anyway. so. I burned myself a little little bit with cigarettes the other day. It felt good. It cleared my head. that worries me.

Honestly that is not a good sign and I would suggest attempting to refrain from continuing in that activity. But I realize the beneficial release that self-harm can seem to bring. Good job on cutting down on smoking comrade, its a fucking tough battle.

[Crux]

Honestly that is not a good sign and I would suggest attempting to refrain from continuing in that activity. But I realize the beneficial release that self-harm can seem to bring. Good job on cutting down on smoking comrade, its a fucking tough battle.
yeah I know. It just didn't feel like I expected it to. But I don't want scars. I need some kind of release though.

[Quail]

I haven't been om revleft for a while and feel a bit silly just posting in this thread, but a good old vent would do me good I think.

So I've been working on trauma-related thimgs with a CBT therapist and tbh it's just made everuything feel worse. I have no control over my emotions. I swear my toddler deals with emotions better than I do. They're strong and unmanageable and anything going even the tiniest bit wrong makes me want to cry ori get crazily angry and have to hurt myself. I get triggered by way more stuff than I used to. Any mention of anything remotely related to sexual violence at best makes me feel very uncomfortable, at worst burns images into my mind that won't go away. I constantly think about harming myself. I've got it in my head that I should ppison myself and I'm just trying to find reasons not to do it. The usual reason is my son. Lately I'm also full of paranoia. I feel luike I'm a bad mother and my son hates me and would rather be with his grandparents or his dad. Or anyone really. I'm plagued by worries tgat my friends don't like me, that my boyfriend doesn't want to be with me, etc. I geel abandoned bu the mental health services. I don't know what to do or how to hold it together. Sometime I'm going to have to do something drastic because I can't carry on like this.

[Quail]

yeah I know. It just didn't feel like I expected it to. But I don't want scars. I need some kind of release though.

Try "burning" yourself with ice. People always recommend it to me, although I don't find it really satisfies my urge to harm myself enough.

[Crux]

I haven't been om revleft for a while and feel a bit silly just posting in this thread, but a good old vent would do me good I think.

So I've been working on trauma-related thimgs with a CBT therapist and tbh it's just made everuything feel worse. I have no control over my emotions. I swear my toddler deals with emotions better than I do. They're strong and unmanageable and anything going even the tiniest bit wrong makes me want to cry ori get crazily angry and have to hurt myself. I get triggered by way more stuff than I used to. Any mention of anything remotely related to sexual violence at best makes me feel very uncomfortable, at worst burns images into my mind that won't go away. I constantly think about harming myself. I've got it in my head that I should ppison myself and I'm just trying to find reasons not to do it. The usual reason is my son. Lately I'm also full of paranoia. I feel luike I'm a bad mother and my son hates me and would rather be with his grandparents or his dad. Or anyone really. I'm plagued by worries tgat my friends don't like me, that my boyfriend doesn't want to be with me, etc. I geel abandoned bu the mental health services. I don't know what to do or how to hold it together. Sometime I'm going to have to do something drastic because I can't carry on like this.
Hang in there, quail. Venting is what this thread is for. You will make it through.

[Nox]

I feel so much happier and confident in life now. :)

[ed miliband]

i feel really odd again, like i did at the turn of the year. i've got no interest in anything except drinking/going out/smoking. i had a whole list of books i wanted to read but i can't focus for more than ten minutes without doing something else or nodding off (even if i'm not fucking tired!), no interest in watching any films of tv shows. walking around is a chore, so is sitting down. i just wish that i could sleep for days.

i've applied for like 20 or so jobs already. nothing yet. i miss the friends i've made at uni, and my boredom is making me feel awful about feelings that i thought i had gotten over.

arrggghhh :(

[Lobotomy]

I have to get a colonoscopy sometime soon. :cursing:

[Nox]

I fucking hate my family. They're ALWAYS fucking stealing shit from me. £20 went missing from my wallet and it's so fucking obvious one of them (probably my mum) has stolen it. £20 is a lot for a 17 year old with no job who has to pay for driving lessons...

[ed miliband]

i feel really pathetic because i made a few small changes and now i feel a lot clearer about things. but it's like... i'm so reliant on the attention of other people. i can't really describe it, but at least i feel a bit better now.

also i'm really proud of my mother, who has becoming a part-time student and retraining to do something she always dreamed of doing. so that's sweet.

[Hermes]

I really hate it when people can't realize their own ignorance, even if it isn't really their fault that they're ignorant, I suppose. Lack of knowledge about the subject, combined with double standards, combined with what they view as 'personal experience' or some kind of higher knowledge makes them so incredibly sure that they're right while you're wrong.

The worst part though, is that it would be bad enough if they were simply willing to admit they could be wrong. Instead, because they're sure they aren't wrong, they act condescending and arrogant towards you, not even willing to consider your argument.

This is especially true when it comes to matters that have a potential to make people personally disgusted. They automatically think that because they're disgusted, it can't possibly be right or okay. They refuse to inject logic or reason into an argument, and instead use stock answers that they would laugh out of the room if it was about a topic they felt was more 'normal'.

Ugh.

[Salyut]

I haven't been om revleft for a while and feel a bit silly just posting in this thread, but a good old vent would do me good I think.

So I've been working on trauma-related thimgs with a CBT therapist and tbh it's just made everuything feel worse. I have no control over my emotions. I swear my toddler deals with emotions better than I do. They're strong and unmanageable and anything going even the tiniest bit wrong makes me want to cry ori get crazily angry and have to hurt myself. I get triggered by way more stuff than I used to. Any mention of anything remotely related to sexual violence at best makes me feel very uncomfortable, at worst burns images into my mind that won't go away. I constantly think about harming myself. I've got it in my head that I should ppison myself and I'm just trying to find reasons not to do it. The usual reason is my son. Lately I'm also full of paranoia. I feel luike I'm a bad mother and my son hates me and would rather be with his grandparents or his dad. Or anyone really. I'm plagued by worries tgat my friends don't like me, that my boyfriend doesn't want to be with me, etc. I geel abandoned bu the mental health services. I don't know what to do or how to hold it together. Sometime I'm going to have to do something drastic because I can't carry on like this.

Have you tried DBT?

[Quail]

I like the sound of DBT but don't think it's offered here really. My parents offered to pay for private stuff though so should look into that. I think I will see the doctor tomorrow. I shouldn't diagnose mysrlf vut I have all the symptoms of ptsd and I'm not coping. I'm going to ask for a proper assessment vecause an actual diagnosis might make people,take me more seriously. Nobosy takes me seriously, not even when I tell them I make myself sick every day. I really just want to ppison myself.

[Lanky Wanker]

My friend threw a joke insult at me on Facebook (we swear at and insult each other all the time, it's our form of small talk) so, naturally, we started dissing each other. It came down to the virgin insult which bothered me for some reason. It wasn't just "you're a virgin lulz", it was the "you'll always be a virgin" sort of thing. I guess it bothers me because that kind of thought is on my mind a lot. It's one of those situations where you have to really bite your tongue when you have a hurtful comeback ready. :D

[Quail]

Better to be a virgin than have sex that makes you feel bad about ypurself. When I was your age I'd fucked around, allowed men to use me as a glorified blow up doll and I didn't enjoy sex one bit. I still don't always but I'm getting better.

Also looked into DBT again. I'm not borderline (although I have many of the symptoms because of my first relationship) and it's quite rare in the uk. Nobody gives a shit about my mental health until I cut a vein or eat medicine.

[Lanky Wanker]

Better to be a virgin than have sex that makes you feel bad about ypurself. When I was your age I'd fucked around, allowed men to use me as a glorified blow up doll and I didn't enjoy sex one bit. I still don't always but I'm getting better.


The thing is it's not even virginity itself that's on my mind, it's just female attention in general. Virginity is something else I'll worry about when the time arises (which won't be any time soon).

[Sentinel]

I fucking hate my family. They're ALWAYS fucking stealing shit from me. £20 went missing from my wallet and it's so fucking obvious one of them (probably my mum) has stolen it. £20 is a lot for a 17 year old with no job who has to pay for driving lessons...


I hear you. When I was doing my compulsory military service in Finland, back in 1998, I was supposed to live with my father during the free weekends. He had problems with alcohol, but I could never have anticipated what was going to happen.

So, I get home for the first time, with my first ridiculously small pay (it was around 1-2 british pounds or something a day). When I wake up in the morning my dad points at some coins on the table, and bluntly states: that's what is left.

I couldn't understand what he meant first, but then it sunk in; he had taken my wallet and spent all my money on beer.

After that, to ensure it wouldn't happen again, I had to travel around the entire fucking country on the weekends, staying with distant relatives etc, as the state wouldn't pay for more than two trips to Sweden where I lived with my mother.

Fucking hell it pissed me off.

[Quail]

I've seen your facebook. You don't look unattractive so I'm sure you'll find someone at some point. Unless you're actually a massive wanker. Which from my limited knowledge I doubt.

[Lanky Wanker]

I've seen your facebook. You don't look unattractive so I'm sure you'll find someone at some point. Unless you're actually a massive wanker. Which from my limited knowledge I doubt.

lol cheers, I wouldn't say I'm a massive wanker (well... :lol:), more just incompatible with 99.99999% of the world's population, even as friends. Anyway, if I were a girl I wouldn't be interested in me. I sound like a whiny little emo kid now...

[Quail]

I'm sliwly poisoning myself. Fuckj you

[Lanky Wanker]

I'm sliwly poisoning myself. Fuckj you

You feeling alright?

[Luc]

I'm sliwly poisoning myself. Fuckj you

description of long trend or are you literally right now?? i hope its neither :(


you ok Quail???

[Lobotomy]

I'm sliwly poisoning myself. Fuckj you

you okay? :(

[Quail]

I fell asleep halfway through a box of co-codamol. Good job I smoked weed last night or I'd be puking my guts up right now.

[MotherCossack]

here's the other thing.....
I am SO FUCKED OFF WITH THE COLONEL"S ACHOHOLIC FATHER!
Yes Cossack Senior, aswell as being a stalinist, irish republican, is a dedicated piss-artist.
Listen up..... you young 'uns.........
"beware of the noxious, life-taking, soul destroying and all consuming potion.... once it has you .... it laughs ....tosses you around like a petal on the high seas.....churns you up like a your clothes in the washer...... slices you up like a giant egg slicer..... makes a mush out of you with a mincer...... then extracts any liquid with a juicer ...and finally boils you dry in a huge screaming kettle on a great hot stove.
what is left is a rotting carcus.... barely sentient, only interested in quenching an unquenchable thirst, without self-respect or honour, warmth or hope.

hope this does only what it is intended to do..... put off any dabbling, trainee boozers... if you think it is cool think again.

[Nox]

I hear you. When I was doing my compulsory military service in Finland, back in 1998, I was supposed to live with my father during the free weekends. He had problems with alcohol, but I could never have anticipated what was going to happen.

So, I get home for the first time, with my first ridiculously small pay (it was around 1-2 british pounds or something a day). When I wake up in the morning my dad points at some coins on the table, and bluntly states: that's what is left.

I couldn't understand what he meant first, but then it sunk in; he had taken my wallet and spent all my money on beer.

After that, to ensure it wouldn't happen again, I had to travel around the entire fucking country on the weekends, staying with distant relatives etc, as the state wouldn't pay for more than two trips to Sweden where I lived with my mother.

Fucking hell it pissed me off.

At least your family owns up to stealing it, mine don't even have the honour to do that.


I've seen your facebook. You don't look unattractive so I'm sure you'll find someone at some point. Unless you're actually a massive wanker. Which from my limited knowledge I doubt.

He looks much better than me.

http://greenobles.com/data_images/peter-andre/peter-andre-01.jpg

[Quail]

I don't know what I was doing last night. I feel so guilty today. I should have spoken to my boyfriend instead of waiting until he went to sleep and poisoning myself. I went to the doctor and got some valium, which will help with the anxiety. I also inquired about DBT at a private place and it costs over £1000 a month. So that's not going to happen. Maybe I should get more proactive in local political stuff to give me something to work on and do instead of isolating myself. I should channel my emotions and energy into something productive.

[Salyut]

I also inquired about DBT at a private place and it costs over £1000 a month

Good lord. I pay $65 a session. Thats insane. O_O Have you tried asking the NHS folks?

[Quail]

I couldn't find any NHS places nearby. It doesn't seem to be very common over here. I thimk it's possible to apply for funding towards some of the costs but I don't know hoqw easy that is to get. I guess I'll stick with the CBT for now since it's free but I really don't know how much lpnger I can put up with feeling like this. Course after course of treatment fails and I just get discharged and referred elsewhere so that I'm no longer whoever's problem.

[Salyut]

Would this be of help? (http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/) :x

[MotherCossack]

blimey... i hope i dont go off the rails entirely.

[MotherCossack]

if you happen upon my bizarre rambling.... usually in very worthy serious threads..... please bear this in mind.....i dont get out much....and am probably on the wrong planet.....but i am actually very friendly and .... well.... my own children are not scared of me.

[Goblin]

Two weeks ago i wrote an email to my school counsellor about my depression, anxiety, self harm and drug abuse. Well, i met with her 2 days ago and it went really well!

She had printed out my email and had it there with her, and we went thorugh the entire thing. The first sentence in it was about how i had just drank several beers and taken some sleeping pills lol.

Then we went through my mental problems. How im this depressed moron who cant look people in the eyes and hates himself. It felt really good talking about. Writing about it on Revleft was awesome and all, but its even better to say it to a person IRL. I was kinda uncomfortable talking about the cutting though. I also had to show all the scars on my arm which i didnt really like.

Coming clean about the drug thing also felt really good. Pills, drinking, huffing, i was so fucking open about it and it felt great. She was very understanding about it. Im actually meeting her again next week to talk more about it. She asked me if i was willing to take urine tests when school starts again this fall. Im not sure how thats gonna help me, but she said i dont have to do it. I guess were gonna talk more about that next week.

If it wasnt for the fact that i told you guys about all that i have been through, i would never have told her about it. So thank you all for your warm responses:) (and please excuse my spelling, im kinda drunk)

[Luc]

Two weeks ago i wrote an email to my school counsellor about my depression, anxiety, self harm and drug abuse. Well, i met with her 2 days ago and it went really well!

She had printed out my email and had it there with her, and we went thorugh the entire thing. The first sentence in it was about how i had just drank several beers and taken some sleeping pills lol.

Then we went through my mental problems. How im this depressed moron who cant look people in the eyes and hates himself. It felt really good talking about. Writing about it on Revleft was awesome and all, but its even better to say it to a person IRL. I was kinda uncomfortable talking about the cutting though. I also had to show all the scars on my arm which i didnt really like.

Coming clean about the drug thing also felt really good. Pills, drinking, huffing, i was so fucking open about it and it felt great. She was very understanding about it. Im actually meeting her again next week to talk more about it. She asked me if i was willing to take urine tests when school starts again this fall. Im not sure how thats gonna help me, but she said i dont have to do it. I guess were gonna talk more about that next week.

If it wasnt for the fact that i told you guys about all that i have been through, i would never have told her about it. So thank you all for your warm responses:) (and please excuse my spelling, im kinda drunk)

glad to hear your doing good, stay strong comrade! :) about the urine test i guess theyre just gunna check the levels of vitamins and stuff like that as well as the drugs you know? get an idea on your physical state kinda thing

[Leftsolidarity]

Moving out in 3 days. So not ready for this. I mean mentally I am pretty ready but my shit is not together at all. I'm not bringing much, basically all that can fix in my traveling bag and my guitar, but idk how many clothes I should bring or anything like that. I'm used to spending long times away from home but I haven't officially moved out with no idea when I'm returning since I tried to run away and since I knew I was going to be homeless and all that, my list was much different.

Freaking out a tad. I feel like some of my phobias might be difficult to handle when not living at my house. Like my fear of spiders. I literally have break downs and cry when I'm confronted with spiders sometimes. How the fuck am I supposed to move out into the city and act like I can take care of myself if I cry because of spiders?

Fuck the world. I wanna curl in a ball.


I got high and ate a popsicle today, though. That was amazing and made me hate the world slightly less for a short amount of time.

[Quail]

Freaking out a tad. I feel like some of my phobias might be difficult to handle when not living at my house. Like my fear of spiders. I literally have break downs and cry when I'm confronted with spiders sometimes. How the fuck am I supposed to move out into the city and act like I can take care of myself if I cry because of spiders?

My boyfriend is like this. In the past he's asked neighbours to get them for him.

[MotherCossack]

everyone i know hates spiders..... i dont..... they are fine....
its the flying bastards i hate.... you name it... moths, flutterbies, ladybirds, mozzies, midges, fat middle-class bastards going on holiday agai.n....

[Lanky Wanker]

He looks much better than me.

http://greenobles.com/data_images/peter-andre/peter-andre-01.jpg

LOL "The Cypriot from Outer Space" is what I thought of when I saw that.


I couldn't find any NHS places nearby. It doesn't seem to be very common over here. I thimk it's possible to apply for funding towards some of the costs but I don't know hoqw easy that is to get. I guess I'll stick with the CBT for now since it's free but I really don't know how much lpnger I can put up with feeling like this. Course after course of treatment fails and I just get discharged and referred elsewhere so that I'm no longer whoever's problem.

Not sure if I mentioned this already but my uncle is going through a lot of problems (sight, hearing, balance, a bunch of different pains etc.) and they have/had no idea what exactly was wrong with him so he just got passed around from place to place for ages while they were losing track of who he was and everything. I think he got sorted when he went private, but a lot of the time they don't really do more than the NHS, they just pay more attention to you and act like they can. Aren't there charities and things like that to help people with stuff like this? I'm sure I've seen/heard of them.

[#FF0000]

sort of just realized that i am very alone. i have my friends and family but i don't like talking to any of them. i was just sitting here in silence moving music onto my phone and thought 'hm i want to talk to someone or be with someone right now' and just couldn't think of anyone.

[#FF0000]

i just dont know what i'm supposed to do. i meet new people and i don't like them. my old friends and my family wear on me. i have no money to go out with. not enough for gas. my future as it stands now is going to be working on a boat every other week. the pay is good if i do get the job but i dont expect to feel any better. i remember the last time i had a decently paying job, i thought 'now things will be better. now things will be good'. but it didn't change anything. my life will be working and then sitting around thinking about what i could possibly do in my free time.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Fuck. I hate coming back from a trip and feeling like I've somehow ceased to exist or something.

So I finally confronted my father about how when I changed my computer account to my chosen name, he changed it to just my first initial and took away my administrative privileges. My mother said she knew nothing about it, but my father said he had discussed with her that he was planning on deleting my account if I ever changed my name but then decided not to, so somebody is lying to me, I guess. I asked him why, and he really wouldn't say anything. The only reason he gave is "I don't approve of that", and I bugged him to say more until he got really angry. So he's rejected my name, which I specifically chose as a representation of myself. In a way, that's him rejecting me entirely, or at least it feels like it. I don't think he will ever accept me for who I am, and if I am ever able to afford to begin medically transitioning, I never want to see him again after that because he already thinks I look disgusting when I present male, so I just want to be done with his shit.

I'm so tired of him taking out all of his frustration on me and scolding me for shit I didn't even do. The car ride up to Quebec and also the one on the way back frustrated him so much that he just seemed to be angry at me for existing. I really can't win with him, and it made me cry, but I couldn't show him my weakness. I know I need to find a way to move out, but I'm just terrified. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, or how to survive on my own, yet I can't show weakness because that's when people jump in to bully, judge, or take advantage of you.

We had to go to some goddamn churches as well because my father is Catholic. I'm an atheist, but I can't tell my parents; I don't want to make things worse for me than they already are. That was just the first reminder of how I never fit in, don't today, and probably never will. When we entered, there was a choir singing. It seems kind of stupid, but seeing choirs particularly upsets me because it reminds me of high school chorus, which was a place where I finally realized how no one really gave a shit. And... it was an all-boys chorus (of guys around my age)... I'm never going to fit in with guys even though I feel like one. I can't see it going much better than when I tried to pretend like I was comfortable being a girl. And then a tour group of 12-year-olds (or thereabouts) entered. I hate middle schoolers. Even though middle school was where I met my best friend, that was also where I got bullied the most, mainly for their perception of my sexuality. Every day, these three girls (shockingly reminiscent of the movie Mean Girls, to the point where I could name who each one was like in the movie), would come up to me every day and ask me "Are you a homo?" I wouldn't answer them because I wasn't sure, and if I was, I wouldn't let them be the first to know. And then I got made fun of for not being feminine enough, but now, everyone is saying I'm not masculine enough to be a man. I really don't fit anywhere in the world, and that (re)realization just consumed me in the cathedral. I wanted to slit my wrists and bleed out all over the fucking decadent tile floor. But I can't show weakness.

[MotherCossack]

i am really annoyed........
my little lubley..... 7 years of cutey fruitey popsicles....cossack tiny.... and my scraggly self... did a jigsaw puzzle ...a couple of weeks ago.... not a mega-puzzle.... a nice medium-peasy puzzle... about 150 big chunky pieces.
being human... or rather being a cossack.... left it in my bed.... [well... it's flat at least.....] earlier.... rescued said puzzle.... minus aboout 12 pieces which had succumbed to the forces of nature and gravitated elsewhere.....
have found all but 2 of them.... and am right scrunched up and irritated....
took the place apart.... no joy.... why am i such an eejit?
i deserve a good hiding.......
and my tummy hurts like it will pop...... i hate that... i hate this.... i hate the other.... time to get the hair vest out.... and sand paper .... and the bed of nails..... i want to transcend or air bend....

[MotherCossack]

poor colonel cossack......so many exams.....such expectations.....so much writing.... so many questions....what a palaver..... it might make him ill.......
went to southend at the weekend.... they all got half price wristbands ....
the colonel luvs a roller-coaster.... but he hardly even partook....what's up little big man?

[Leftsolidarity]

poor colonel cossack......so many exams.....such expectations.....so much writing.... so many questions....what a palaver..... it might make him ill.......
went to southend at the weekend.... they all got half price wristbands ....
the colonel luvs a roller-coaster.... but he hardly even partook....what's up little big man?

Where has little colonel been?

[MotherCossack]

Where has little colonel been?

little big man cossack is currently running about the place waving a compass and a protracter about in a strange trance-like ritual more akin to a japanese geisha than a maths gcse..... he will post anon... but has a very busy week... exam-wise!

[Landsharks eat metal]

I can't stop thinking about it. Suicide, I mean. The fact that one little bullet could solve all my problems at the same time is really attractive.

I just need a gun.

[Zukunftsmusik]

So I finally confronted my father about how when I changed my computer account to my chosen name, he changed it to just my first initial and took away my administrative privileges. My mother said she knew nothing about it, but my father said he had discussed with her that he was planning on deleting my account if I ever changed my name but then decided not to, so somebody is lying to me, I guess. I asked him why, and he really wouldn't say anything. The only reason he gave is "I don't approve of that", and I bugged him to say more until he got really angry. So he's rejected my name, which I specifically chose as a representation of myself. In a way, that's him rejecting me entirely, or at least it feels like it.

Jeez, parents can be really childish sometimes. Changing the name on your user on the computer? I mean, I see how this is obviously connected to him having trouble with how you identify, but what you call your user should be none of anyone's business. Or what you choose to call yourself in any situation, for that matter


But I can't show weakness.

Speaking of weakness: I don't know if I've said this before, but you must be the absolute strongest person i know (of). Putting up with this shit, your parents and especially your father, the bullying, everything. I'm not sure if I would have made it, seriously.

[Zukunftsmusik]

I can't stop thinking about it. Suicide, I mean. The fact that one little bullet could solve all my problems at the same time is really attractive.

I just need a gun.

Don't do it. I don't have any specific reason for you not to. Just don't. Please. I see how it can appear as the only way out, but it probably isn't. 'Probably' isn't much, and I know it, but at least 'probably' is something?

[#FF0000]

my friends aren't that great. fuckin crybaby supreme when people can't hang out on his schedule. condescending as fuck. not only can't admit when he's wrong but honestly doesn't believe hes wrong. and he cost me a relationship with someone who really cared about me.

then again. she was vindictive and spoiled. but she really did care about me and she was aware of these things. she and i are still friends but only because i tell her i don't talk to that one friend of mine anymore -- which is a total lie. she hates him for a lot of good reasons too, and when we were dating, she felt that i prioritized my friends over her. that was true, but mostly because i would never hear the end of it if i said 'nah i can't hang out today'. he was, and still is, annoying with that.

but then again i did consciously think 'nah i wont be one of those people who abandons their friends when they get in a relationship' which is a monumentally goddamn stupid thing to say because it is such a fuckin non-issue that only some dipshit in high school would think is a problem that anyone ever has.

i guess the problem isn't my friends though.

the problem is more likely that i am just a coward.

[MotherCossack]

I can't stop thinking about it. Suicide, I mean. The fact that one little bullet could solve all my problems at the same time is really attractive.

I just need a gun.

hey.... it crosses my mind ... but it is different these days....it crosses my mind as an option.... but one that i know i am not going for....at least not yet.....it is good to know it is there.... an avenue of last resort.....maybe for the future.... but now... i am going to try to leave a mark...do something useful/ memorable/to be proud of.... first... at least try my hardest.... if i try and fail........ then i can say .... its their fault.... i tried...now i can give up with my dignity intact.!!!
suicide..... is your final card.... it is the end of the game......when i ask myself..... 'Do you really want to stop playing.....really?... forever?'
the answer is always ...not yet!

[Lanky Wanker]

I thought I'd be free as soon as I dropped out of sixth form and dumped A-levels I didn't care about, but look where I am now. I don't care about going to college like I said I would because nothing they teach interests me and the idea of college just makes me feel like I'm starting my misery all over again even though it'll (hopefully) be better than where I just left. Hey, maybe I could get a job! Oh wait... jobs have been extinct for about 10 years now. It's sad how I actually got happy when I saw a job online where I'd be sitting/standing and sorting out recycling for 8 hours a day.

[MotherCossack]

setting up a paypal account has sucked away my will to live.... what is the point of anything let alone online shopping!

[MotherCossack]

i hate this consumerist, artificial, throwaway, unsustainable, vile and desensitised world that we have created. it is a big shame what we have done.

[Nox]

I thought I'd be free as soon as I dropped out of sixth form and dumped A-levels I didn't care about, but look where I am now. I don't care about going to college like I said I would because nothing they teach interests me and the idea of college just makes me feel like I'm starting my misery all over again even though it'll (hopefully) be better than where I just left. Hey, maybe I could get a job! Oh wait... jobs have been extinct for about 10 years now. It's sad how I actually got happy when I saw a job online where I'd be sitting/standing and sorting out recycling for 8 hours a day.

You shouldn't have done it man. You'll have to take classes with the pisshead football hooligan edl lads.

[#FF0000]

i hate this consumerist, artificial, throwaway, unsustainable, vile and desensitised world that we have created. it is a big shame what we have done.

There's good things in life. Music, for example.

I was always a guy who loved to hate on bad music, but with the internet now, and with the barriers between artists and listeners completely obliterated, it's not hard to find good music with substance/that resonates w/ you.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

i hate this consumerist, artificial, throwaway, unsustainable, vile and desensitised world that we have created. it is a big shame what we have done.
Just remember ... we're products of our environment ... reflections of the economic and social conditions.

But, yes, I hate it as well ...

[Hermes]

setting up a paypal account has sucked away my will to live.... what is the point of anything let alone online shopping!

What were the circumstances that required you to create one? I have no experience with paypal, but then, I also don't currently have a job.

[The Machine]

i just got into a huge fight with my girl because some hot beans i was pouring that splashed up and burned my neck at work look like a hickey. the fucked up thing is i wish it was.

[black magick hustla]

why is this whole "universe is meaningless, and life has no purpose" cocktail psychoanalysis problematic for anybody who is older than 13. i am pretty sure of what bothers me in my life, which is a combination of boredom, estrangement, and solitude, which are very basic things, but fuck if i care about whether "life has any meaning" or i am useful to society or whatever. why do people write so many novels about this and why some asshole like satre won the nobel prize. its all stupid self indulgence. i hate a lot about the world, but i know exactly why.

[NewLeft]

revleft is my life support

[Zukunftsmusik]

revleft is my life support

revleft is how I escape life

[Crux]

I'm slipping quickly.

[MotherCossack]

What were the circumstances that required you to create one? I have no experience with paypal, but then, I also don't currently have a job.

yeah... good bloody question comrade!
I also have no job.... in fact not even a bank account....
mum of 4 and not a bit of plastic in sight.......until......
christmas last year... my bright idea was to ask for a paypal gift card....
so i could play shops and robbers....
no... not really... so i could play the new version.... called
wait for it.....
Online shopping!
Yesterday i finally got around to activating gift card........
What a N-I-G-H-T-M-A-R-E!!!!!!
Instantly remembered all that i hate about anything financial....
pay pal.......lap yap.....or brain ache.....
surfice to say i never got it sorted but i did get very irritated!

[NewLeft]

revleft is how I escape life
terrible start to a day, went on revleft then took a rest. now im ok

[Landsharks eat metal]

I just found out that the therapist I switched to relatively recently since my previous one moved is leaving. This will be my fourth therapist in about 6 years. Pretty much everybody leaves me, and if they don't, I am the one who ends up leaving. And this isn't just about therapists. When I used to take viola teachers, I just cycled through those. Best friends who didn't move away ended up stopping liking me for reasons I could never determine. And as soon as I can, I'm going to turn my back on all I've ever known.

And I don't think anyone will care. I'm kind of unlovable. My family loves me (even if they don't always know how to show it), but I'm pretty sure if I wasn't related to them, they wouldn't really give a shit.

I still have my best friend, but she lives in upstate New York and I don't even know why she likes me in the first place. She could have been happier, at least in middle school, if she hadn't been friends with me. She could have been popular if she hadn't hung out with one of the most unpopular students. I mean, the popular kids might not have stayed in touch and friends with her the way I did, but then she wouldn't feel such a pull to Lancaster and miss it so much. She could just move on with her life. I might have said this before, but I'm convinced that her being friends with me, and getting bullied because of it, has at least contributed to her anxiety issues. I love her so much, but I know I've hurt her, just by existing.

I tried to cut myself for the first time in a while last night (just a little and just on my leg); all I had was my old safety scissors, so it didn't work too well. Today I found my good scissors. I don't know what's going to happen now. I don't want to hurt myself. I just want to be somewhere besides where I am and I'm so fucking frustrated.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Overwhelmed with feelings of defeat and shame.

It wasn't just a sudden fuckup or anything; I actually made a plan that last night I was going to cut myself. So I did. But I just ended up with a bunch of pathetic little scratches even though I tried really hard. I might try again tonight. All I really want is one big deepish cut like the one I got the last time I seriously tried cutting. Well, I don't really want it. Maybe. I have no fucking idea and I'm so confused.

I don't know whether giving in or being terrible at it is a weaker thing.

I'm kind of shit.

[Zukunftsmusik]

I'm in a hurry so I should probably not respond, as the situation you're in is pretty serious and needs a better answer than this, but here goes


I don't know whether giving in or being terrible at it is a weaker thing.

Neither. Cutting yourself is merely a response to the situation you're in. "Giving in" is a difficult choice to make, doesn't mean that it's weak "to be terrible at it". It's hard to express this properly, but... Whatever you do in any situation, you're not weak. I think maybe you have to get rid of this weak/strong scale, as it doesn't really make any sense. The more you tell yourself and us that you're weak, the stronger you seem to me when you have to put up with the shit you have to put up with.


I'm kind of shit.

No you're not. I know I'm hypocritical as hell, cause I tell myself I'm shit all the time, but you need to stop telling yourself such things. You're not shit, and I'm quite confident you actually know that you aren't.

Sorry for the quick short response, but I really gotta go, sorry :(

[Hermes]

I had a dream during the night, that my dream psychologist had saved a letter from a dream boyfriend (as in 'imaginary', not 'perfect') that I had, many years ago. It was beautiful, passionate, eloquent. I think I still love this person.

Sometimes I honestly fear for my sanity, not just in the way of me being depressed/anxious.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I just keep thinking of different ways to want to kill myself by.

Last night I was wishing I had a grenade to blow myself the fuck up. I guess i just want to do something drastic to get attention, even if i won't really know it, being dead.

[MotherCossack]

cos we're seriously overcrowded.... me,4 little cossacks and sometimes father cossack... in a itsy bitsy 2 bedroomed flat......
i fell asleep earlier this evening on my tall ... loft- bed- in- the- living- room.....cos thats where my room is.....
at the same time as 2 daughters watched miley cyrus on the apple mac....
with the result that .... in my dreams.... miley cyrus became my other daughter....
It was Horrible!!!!!!!!!! NIGHTMARE ON oakie doke street...
it was wierd!!!

[Goblin]

So i talked to my school nurse (do they still call it that?) a couple a days ago and she was so fucking nice. My school counsellor was there aswell. And yeah Lucien was right about the drug tests. They want to make sure im healthy and dont try smack. The school nurse also gave me the adress to this therapist that i could talk to (and its free). My counsellor sent a letter to my doctor about all the shit im going through. Im seeing him this thursday, and hes gonna give me some anti-depressants which is great!

[Goblin]

I just keep thinking of different ways to want to kill myself by.

Last night I was wishing I had a grenade to blow myself the fuck up. I guess i just want to do something drastic to get attention, even if i won't really know it, being dead.
I have these fucked up suicide fantasies as well. I think about bringing a shotgun to school and blowing my brains out in front of my class.

[Landsharks eat metal]

My mother doesn't understand social anxiety at all. She thinks it's just a matter of me needing to get over myself. She says she's shy, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to curl up and die sometimes when strangers look at her.

Driving a stick shift car sucks ass. I don't know very many other people my age in the US who have to learn it. Whenever I stop at a stop sign, I don't put enough gas and too much clutch and the car shuts off, or the other way around and it makes a loud noise and everybody stares at me. I literally started crying over it because I was so embarrassed today, and I hate it when people see me cry, so I got really pissed off and accidentally told my mother that I hate our house if "that's the way we do things at our house." That was 4 hours ago and I think she's still mad at me.

[wsg1991]

let's see failing this year , i have an impossible control exams in 2 July 90% fail , that's means one other year here

weekly dispute with my father about his pathetic financial decisions , forcing me to live under austerity with almost half what he makes goes into debt so he can buy this expensive peace of land . Things will get better , fuck that shit ! it has been more than 12 years , project after another , new house , second house , selling them , more expensive house ...

i am 20 years old , can no longer work in summer because i have internship , and studying the rest
i am waiting the day i became an intern (4 years ) , the salary is decent for a 23_24 guy , i will leave this fucking place

[Quail]

I just keep thinking of different ways to want to kill myself by.

Last night I was wishing I had a grenade to blow myself the fuck up. I guess i just want to do something drastic to get attention, even if i won't really know it, being dead.

I keep having fantasies about harming myself in some visible and drastic way just so that people know I'm in pain. Sounds pretty stupid, but I feel unable to communicate how intolerable everything is.

I'm addicted to self-destructive behaviours. I try to cut down on one and another pops up. I drink like most nights because otherwise I'd spend the night alternately stuffing my face and sticking my head in the toilet. If I try to cut down on either of those things I turn to self-injury, poisoning myself, codeine. I feel as though I can't tell anyone quite how bad it is because I'm scared they'll report me to social services for being a bad parent.

I wonder if I ever will get better, or if I should just accept that I will spend my entire life hating my body, hating myself, feeling anxious, being unable to sleep, jumping from one addiction to the next and so on. I feel as though if I don't get better, it's probably going to kill me. I've managed to stay vomit-free for 2 days which is quite an accomplishment, but it makes me feel so ill. I get dizzy, confused, my chest hurts, I have a tendency to get tunnel vision and either have to sit down or fall over. It can't be doing me any good.

[Lanky Wanker]

I keep having fantasies about harming myself in some visible and drastic way just so that people know I'm in pain. Sounds pretty stupid, but I feel unable to communicate how intolerable everything is.

I'm addicted to self-destructive behaviours. I try to cut down on one and another pops up. I drink like most nights because otherwise I'd spend the night alternately stuffing my face and sticking my head in the toilet. If I try to cut down on either of those things I turn to self-injury, poisoning myself, codeine. I feel as though I can't tell anyone quite how bad it is because I'm scared they'll report me to social services for being a bad parent.

I wonder if I ever will get better, or if I should just accept that I will spend my entire life hating my body, hating myself, feeling anxious, being unable to sleep, jumping from one addiction to the next and so on. I feel as though if I don't get better, it's probably going to kill me. I've managed to stay vomit-free for 2 days which is quite an accomplishment, but it makes me feel so ill. I get dizzy, confused, my chest hurts, I have a tendency to get tunnel vision and either have to sit down or fall over. It can't be doing me any good.

I'm sure there is a way past all (or at least most of) those things, it's just a matter of pushing the right buttons and stuff. I can kinda understand how it feels to question yourself on things like that though, although maybe I just like to exaggerate my worries. You're not a bad parent for having problems that are beyond your control, a bad parent is someone like my dad who knew he was a sucky parent but didn't care about changing. And hey, vomit free for 2 days is a start.

[Nox]

Whenever I stop at a stop sign, I don't put enough gas and too much clutch and the car shuts off

AAaaaaarghhh tell me about it, happens to me every time

[Lanky Wanker]

I can get kinda sad when I'm high. But anyway, this is how I feel right now:


http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/elderscrolls/images/f/f5/Forever_alone_by_foreveraloneplz.png

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

I feel really odd. My boyfriend excepts my transition process, I'm doing well at work, making money, everything is somewhat ok. I have people around me but I just feel so alone. I feel extremely numb. Like I'm a ghost shouting my dissatisfaction and misery but no one can here. Like I can touch someone and it goes right through them. Idk, maybe I just need some sleep.

[jookyle]

My girlfriend and I were talking on the phone and we were laughing at what not and then she just got angry and hung up. I called her back and she told me not to call and hung up again. My anxiety is through the roof right now. I have no idea what happened. :crying:

[Nox]

My girlfriend and I were talking on the phone and we were laughing at what not and then she just got angry and hung up. I called her back and she told me not to call and hung up again. My anxiety is through the roof right now. I have no idea what happened. :crying:

What were you guys laughing at?

[Landsharks eat metal]

i want to slice my fucking face off i'm so hideous

[Quail]

^ I feel that way about my stomach.

Holidays are such a nightmare. I'm away on holiday with my parents, brother and son for a week and I hate the unpredictability of what I'm going to have to eat. I can't just go somewhere and eat on a whim, I have to know what I'm going to have so that I can plan the rest of the day's food.

My dad also told me off (for want of a better expression) about freaking out when I thought there was a wasp buzzing near me. I have a really bad phobia of wasps which is linked to my other mental health issues and I'm fucking sick of being shouted at for it. Doesn't he think that if I could fucking do something about it I would?? Fear of wasps being around stops me from leaving the house in summer. I had some really bad panic attacks last year, and it's not something that I can just wish away.

[Firebrand]

This is getting really bad. I can't get to sleep, at all. Last night I was up till 5 in the morning, I can't remember the last time I got to sleep before midnight which when you need to get up at six is not a good thing. I've missed a whole nights sleep twice in the last two weeks, and it left me a wreck both times, and when I finally do get to sleep it isn't deep enough.

[Firebrand]

Fear of wasps being around stops me from leaving the house in summer. I had some really bad panic attacks last year, and it's not something that I can just wish away.

Maybe if you got some strong insect repllent it would help you feel safer. I don't know, it should discourage the wasps a bit.

[Crux]

What's worse than an anxiety attack coming out of nowhere? A completely justified can't deal with this shit meltdown. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Hurting myself never seemed like such a good option before. I have to focus not to. I suppose I could get drunk but i'm not sure where that will end.

[Landsharks eat metal]

How the fuck can people even stand me? I'm so goddamn annoying. All I ever do is complain about what a shit person I am, andif people don't think I'm lying and am actually a 14 year old girl, I don't know why not. I keep saying how ugly and fat I am like I'm looking for compliments, even though when people tell me I'm not i have terrible trouble believing them. I'm really not a very constructive memebr of this site. I almost never post political things because I'm too damn stupid to be able to understand anything past what i believe in my heart and what i've seen in my experience, too much of a worthless idiot to be able to focus enough to read and learn. too stubborn to fix my fucking life when it would just be easier to blow my head off.

[Art Vandelay]

How the fuck can people even stand me? I'm so goddamn annoying. All I ever do is complain about what a shit person I am, andif people don't think I'm lying and am actually a 14 year old girl, I don't know why not. I keep saying how ugly and fat I am like I'm looking for compliments, even though when people tell me I'm not i have terrible trouble believing them. I'm really not a very constructive memebr of this site. I almost never post political things because I'm too damn stupid to be able to understand anything past what i believe in my heart and what i've seen in my experience, too much of a worthless idiot to be able to focus enough to read and learn. too stubborn to fix my fucking life when it would just be easier to blow my head off.

This resonates with me. I know political stuff can be overwhelming and at times I feel like a complete idiot. Frankly LEM, don't even worry about political stuff until you get your own issues dealt with. You are what is most important.

[WanderingCactus]

There are only like 5 constructive members of this site anyhow. If it works better as a tool for venting or an online support group or whatever, then just keep using it for that. Whatever floats your boat.

[Art Vandelay]

There are only like 5 constructive members of this site anyhow. If it works better as a tool for venting or an online support group or whatever, then just keep using it for that. Whatever floats your boat.

Unfortunately this is practically true.

[revolt]

i just dont know what i'm supposed to do. i meet new people and i don't like them. my old friends and my family wear on me. i have no money to go out with. not enough for gas. my future as it stands now is going to be working on a boat every other week. the pay is good if i do get the job but i dont expect to feel any better. i remember the last time i had a decently paying job, i thought 'now things will be better. now things will be good'. but it didn't change anything. my life will be working and then sitting around thinking about what i could possibly do in my free time.hmm, are you positive that you are not actually me?

[Leftsolidarity]

So the relationship with me and the girl who I liked lasted less than a week. It's weird cuz I like her a lot and she likes me a lot too but it just didn't feel right to me so I broke it off. I may regret this at some point but fuck it.

[Salyut]

I'm scared to get in a relationship - even if I could find someone who'd like me. :(

[¿Que?]

So the relationship with me and the girl who I liked lasted less than a week. It's weird cuz I like her a lot and she likes me a lot too but it just didn't feel right to me so I broke it off. I may regret this at some point but fuck it.
Alright, I think you need to spill it. You need to search deep deep down inside to your most shallow or self indulgent aspect of your personality, and just say it. What exactly didn't "feel right." Was it her looks? Her politics? Was she lousy in bed? Spill it bro!

EDIT: Well, you don't really have to. I'm just curious.

[revolt]

So the relationship with me and the girl who I liked lasted less than a week. It's weird cuz I like her a lot and she likes me a lot too but it just didn't feel right to me so I broke it off. I may regret this at some point but fuck it.was it because you were previously close to her? or was it just some sort of random feeling?

[revolt]

I think I may have borderline personality disorder.

[Buitraker]

I think I may have borderline personality disorder.
Whats the problem its nothing more than label


Really, i study and work with this shits and its just a label, if we(psychologist) want, we can diagnosed to every people
Truly


Ps: The important think its be happy with yourself and yourlife, dont worry with medical terms

[Lanky Wanker]

My dad also told me off (for want of a better expression) about freaking out when I thought there was a wasp buzzing near me. I have a really bad phobia of wasps which is linked to my other mental health issues and I'm fucking sick of being shouted at for it. Doesn't he think that if I could fucking do something about it I would?? Fear of wasps being around stops me from leaving the house in summer. I had some really bad panic attacks last year, and it's not something that I can just wish away.

I usually just move away from the bees/wasps (or go into total defence mode if I can't) and with big flies I start flinching and waving my arms about because I hate the buzzing sound and the thought of them touching me. My dad loves commenting on it and calling me a little girl or whatever, it pisses me off.

[Quail]

It really pisses me off when people say things like "X make me scream like a girl" or whatever, as though only girls get scared and scream :rolleyes:

Bees don't bother me so much for some reason. I will happily stand there washing up with a bee in the kitchen, but if it's a wasp I'd be cordoning off the kitchen and hoping that someone who isn't scared of them will come visit to get rid of it.

Stupid disordered eating rantAfter already having eaten about 1300 calories I had to eat a meal out ARGH feel ridiculously guilty, going to exercise until every muscle in my body turns to jelly since I don't want to risk spoiling the holiday for my parents by them catching me being sick.

[Workers-Control-Over-Prod]

It really pisses me off when people say things like "X make me scream like a girl" or whatever, as though only girls get scared and scream :rolleyes:

Bees don't bother me so much for some reason. I will happily stand there washing up with a bee in the kitchen, but if it's a wasp I'd be cordoning off the kitchen and hoping that someone who isn't scared of them will come visit to get rid of it.

Stupid disordered eating rantAfter already having eaten about 1300 calories I had to eat a meal out ARGH feel ridiculously guilty, going to exercise until every muscle in my body turns to jelly since I don't want to risk spoiling the holiday for my parents by them catching me being sick.

Do you suffer from eating disorders? I read that they are highly connected to mental health.
The saying "scream like a girl" or others like this, are just effects of class society and in fact from the original divide between the sexes, genders, that came from primitive tools advancing (especially in Europe) to make the individual workers more productive. Since the male human sex has more muscle capability than the female sex, the primitive yet improved tools that were still strenuous to use, like the plow, allowed men to produce a greater surplus than the female sex (who remained in low surplus traditional jobs like picking berries, washing, cooking), and thus created the patriarchy and turned males to the dominant societal class.

[Quail]

I have bulimia, yeah. It's related to a bunch of other mental health issues.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm done with this shit. Gender dysphoria fucking pisses me off. Right now, it's just in its mildest form; I feel a bit depressed and hopeless and like giving up. But if I keep thinking about it, it could get to the point where I'm so pissed off at my body I just want to destroy it or at least try to give myself a mastectomy, or I could be terrified to even leave my room and only be able to coax myself out if I bind my chest so tightly I'm on the verge of crying (and still want to run away and hide when somebody looks at me).

I seriously don't look at all like a guy except in situations where it's reasonable that I might be a little boy. I'm seriously disgusting and having trouble figuring out how anybody could love me for who I am.

[Quail]

I'm done with this shit. Gender dysphoria fucking pisses me off. Right now, it's just in its mildest form; I feel a bit depressed and hopeless and like giving up. But if I keep thinking about it, it could get to the point where I'm so pissed off at my body I just want to destroy it or at least try to give myself a mastectomy, or I could be terrified to even leave my room and only be able to coax myself out if I bind my chest so tightly I'm on the verge of crying (and still want to run away and hide when somebody looks at me).

I seriously don't look at all like a guy except in situations where it's reasonable that I might be a little boy. I'm seriously disgusting and having trouble figuring out how anybody could love me for who I am.
You have a warped perception of how you are and how people think of you. Nobody is unlovable and you're no exception. All I can really say is hang in there, things will get better and when they do, you'll be able to see all the good things that other people see in you.

It's awful reading your posts about your body and knowing there's nothing I could ever say to make you feel any better. What is the situation like in the US when it comes to getting surgery (if that's what you want)? Is there any way to try to get funding, or does it all have to be paid for privately?

[MotherCossack]

You shouldn't have done it man. You'll have to take classes with the pisshead football hooligan edl lads.

ha ha ha..... thats proper funny....... hey.... you made me feel all cozy and like i'm part of a great big unspoken culture club.... and this is our era........and that is our language......and we grab what is funny....thankyou

[Landsharks eat metal]

You have a warped perception of how you are and how people think of you. Nobody is unlovable and you're no exception. All I can really say is hang in there, things will get better and when they do, you'll be able to see all the good things that other people see in you.

It's awful reading your posts about your body and knowing there's nothing I could ever say to make you feel any better. What is the situation like in the US when it comes to getting surgery (if that's what you want)? Is there any way to try to get funding, or does it all have to be paid for privately?
I think if I get really awesome insurance, that would help pay for it, but I'm probably not going to end up having very good coverage, so surgery will be expensive as fuck. I might not be able to afford it.

[Leftsolidarity]

Alright, I think you need to spill it. You need to search deep deep down inside to your most shallow or self indulgent aspect of your personality, and just say it. What exactly didn't "feel right." Was it her looks? Her politics? Was she lousy in bed? Spill it bro!

EDIT: Well, you don't really have to. I'm just curious.


Well, I've been thinking about it a lot and don't have much time to type cuz I'm on someone else's computer but I think it was because of all the changes in my life all at once. Moved out, live in poverty now, dont see some of my close friends but with all my old ones, miss my family, miss my ex a bit, etc.

Then trying to hold a relationship with someone new was just too much I think. I felt very distant to her and I knew it wasn't how I usually feel for someone I'm with. I also wasn't sexually interested in her. I mean, she is a very attractive person and I know that. I just, for some reason, did not feel like doing anything sexual with her. That caused a lot of stress for us cuz she's always horny which I usually am too but apparently not with her.

Anyways, I feel like I view her more as a sister/best friend than a sexual partner or something like that.

[MotherCossack]

2nd daughter is now restrained and muzzled with a mouthful of brackets and wires......
oh the sheer horror and pain which is the brace.........
all in the name of a mouthful of orderly and civilised knashers!
the poor mite was so excited but is now so horribly mute!!

[Hermes]

Would you say that braces are worth it? I've never had them, but I never really know whether to feel regret or indifference.

[Zukunftsmusik]

I'm a pathetic piece of shit and I suck ass at pretty much everything and I hate myself

[Workers-Control-Over-Prod]

I'm a pathetic piece of shit and I suck ass at pretty much everything and I hate myself

Well, at least you're a communist piece of shit, this makes you worth something in the view of history.

[Workers-Control-Over-Prod]

Erinnerung an die Sowjetunion /Remembering Soviet Union

Sowjet Union, Ich Vermisse Dich!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_9UY86-4N8&feature=plcp

:(:crying::crying::crying::crying::crying::crying: :crying::crying::crying::crying::crying::crying::c rying::crying::crying::crying::crying::crying::cry ing::crying::crying::crying:

[Landsharks eat metal]

I always feel like crying after I talk to my psychiatrist. Well, I can't really say always because I've only seen this particular one twice so far, but both times I have. For the most part, he seems really awesome. But then he comes out with a few lines that are just so terribly wrong or somehow hurtful to me, but I can't say anything. He said I use the internet to isolate myself, which is the total opposite of reality because it's really the only place I feel comfortable being open with people. He referred to me being disabled (I'm not sure exactly the phrase he used, but some form of disabled/disability was in there) about my Asperger's. I do not at all think of myself as disabled. There are some things that are harder for me because of Asperger's, but there are some awesome things about it and I would never want a cure.

But the worst of all is when my parents brought up how concerned they were about my transgender/anarchist identity. He said I'm just embracing things on the periphery because I feel like I don't fit in the mainstream and we just have "to get her to like who she is" . Well, I like the periphery. I've met nicer people there than the mainstream. And even though I'm always talking about how I hate myself, for the most part, I actually do like who I am. I don't like my body and I hate the way other people treat me, but I'd be really happy as a guy and as an anarchist if only people would stop giving me shit about it. Stupid me; I thought during the first appointment that he was maybe listening to me when I was talking about being transgender and might even take me seriously. Why would anybody ever do that? I lied to him and said I hadn't cut myself, which I keep feeling like is somehow getting him back for the things he said, but I think the only person it's hurting is myself.

My best friend is visiting later today, I'm staying with her family a few days, and I'm absolutely terrified that she's going to randomly stop liking me like most of my other friends have. Because out of all the friends I've had, she has the best reason to stop liking me.

[Quail]

I feel as though people are sick of me from every angle :(

Let's start with my family. My mum thinks I don't like her and dad and that I'm only ever nice when I want something. She "doesn't know why she bothers" and if I want something again I'll have to get it from someone else. Where did these comments come from? Oh, I came off my meds a month and a half or so ago because I didn't want to take them and I didn't tell her. And I don't talk about my mental health much because I don't feel comfortable doing so ("blah blah but I bet you tell your friends blah blah"). I also got accused of lying about even going to a recent assessment appointment where they basically just told me to go away and get private counselling. I don't feel comfortable talking about stuff with my parents and they just get angry at me for not being comfortable. What do they expect me to do, I don't understand.

Then there's my boyfriend. He doesn't want to be with someone who takes offence at every little thing. Well maybe he should take into account my mental state and how I feel about myself before he makes joky comments that make me feel belittled. Or perhaps he doesn't notice he's doing it. My feelings are just all over the place ugh and it's like I'm kind of deliberately pushing him away, but getting really upset that he's getting pissed off with me. I don't know. I just keep getting into a really pissed off, low mood and yeah, I will take things the wrong way and I will see the negative in everything, so why can't he understand that and just try to be kind?

It feels like nobody really understands me and I either can't explain how I feel to them because I'm scared of them knowing certain details or I just can't figure out a way of explaining myself. I can't tell my parents much about my mental health because 1) they make me feel judged and 2) I'm scared that telling them more will lead to them discovering or guessing that I was sexually assaulted. I can't tell my boyfriend how I feel because he'll probably just tell me I need to chill out and I can't really find the words anyway.

[Goblin]

I saw my doctor yesterday and he prescribed me some pills. He gave me this anti depressant called escitalopram which is prescribed to people suffering from depression, anxiety and ocd, all off which is suffer from (my ocd is pretty mild which is why i have never mentioned it on here before). He said that the first two weeks on the meds would be kinda hard. I will feel more anxious, feel more depressed and stuff like that. Thankfully he also prescribed me some valium which will keep me calm:)

[Quail]

I used to be on escitalopram for anxiety/ocd. It worked quite well on the intrusive thoughts, but I think it made me into a zombie. Still, different people react differently to drugs so hope it works for you.

[Zukunftsmusik]

I always feel like crying after I talk to my psychiatrist. Well, I can't really say always because I've only seen this particular one twice so far, but both times I have. For the most part, he seems really awesome. But then he comes out with a few lines that are just so terribly wrong or somehow hurtful to me, but I can't say anything. He said I use the internet to isolate myself, which is the total opposite of reality because it's really the only place I feel comfortable being open with people. He referred to me being disabled (I'm not sure exactly the phrase he used, but some form of disabled/disability was in there) about my Asperger's. I do not at all think of myself as disabled. There are some things that are harder for me because of Asperger's, but there are some awesome things about it and I would never want a cure.

Although it's probably very difficult, maybe you could bring these things up in a conversation where it seems fitting? Tell him how you feel when he says things like that etc. It could give him a better view of how you feel, and stop him from doing similar mistakes in the future.


But the worst of all is when my parents brought up how concerned they were about my transgender/anarchist identity. He said I'm just embracing things on the periphery because I feel like I don't fit in the mainstream and we just have "to get her to like who she is" . Well, I like the periphery. I've met nicer people there than the mainstream. And even though I'm always talking about how I hate myself, for the most part, I actually do like who I am. I don't like my body and I hate the way other people treat me, but I'd be really happy as a guy and as an anarchist if only people would stop giving me shit about it.

Obviously, getting you to "like yourself" includes "embracing" the "perifery". I would hate to see you more mainstream, that's obviously not where you belong. Although being transgender is way more than just identifying with the perifery, of course. (being an anarchist could of course be more tied to that, at least in a way)

Do your parents participate in these talks with the psychiatrist? I wish you luck, and hope it helps both yourself and your parents :)

[Goblin]

fuck! just took a razor and went crazy on my stomach while high on valium.

[Zukunftsmusik]

fuck! just took a razor and went crazy on my stomach while high on valium.

are you okay? :unsure:

[Quail]

fuck! just took a razor and went crazy on my stomach while high on valium.
Hope you're alright. Be careful with the valium. I find it makes me do stuff without thinking through the consequences or even properly realising what I'm doing, so maybe you should try to keep your razors out of temptation's reach if you're taking valium?

----

On the subject of self-injury, I don't know what's going to happen when my son gets old enough to realise that other mums don't have stripy arms. He pointed at some scars the other day and I don't know what I'm going to tell him. Maybe that I was ill and it left some scars?

[bad ideas actualised by alcohol]

What do people get out of self-injury?
I have never felt like that would be something that would help me in any way, but I hear people get released of their stress when they hurt themselves.
I'm sorry if this sounds offensive or something, but I'm really interested.

[Quail]

It releases my emotions. At the moment I cut myself to control my moods or else I just can't deal with how sad and/or angry I get. I wouldn't by any means reccomebd it. It's a shirt term fix and I really wish I hadn't started because I have scars all over my body. Ir's addictive too like a fucking drug.

[black magick hustla]

What do people get out of self-injury?
I have never felt like that would be something that would help me in any way, but I hear people get released of their stress when they hurt themselves.
I'm sorry if this sounds offensive or something, but I'm really interested.

i dont do it and self injury thoughts are really alien to me but i read it releases an endorphin rush. kinda like when you have sex or workout.

anyway, to depressive people i recommend a gym membership. working out really helps me with my feelings

[Landsharks eat metal]

What do people get out of self-injury?
I have never felt like that would be something that would help me in any way, but I hear people get released of their stress when they hurt themselves.
I'm sorry if this sounds offensive or something, but I'm really interested.

For me, I tend to think of it as "punishing myself". Sometimes there's something specific I have to punish myself for (very often, it has been homework-related, which is kind of pathetic, but that's actually the reason I cut myself for the very first time, when I was 12), but sometimes it's just about random shit I've done in the past and am pretty sure I'm going to end up doing again in the future no matter how hard I try. I hate cutting; it makes me feel horrible because I can never do it right. Doing it right would mean getting a huge scar which would make me hate myself every time I saw it which maybe I have a scar like that on my leg right now, I'm going to have to wait and see if it goes away because usually they do. I don't know why I keep doing it if it doesn't make me feel good or anything and I always get scared that my parents are going to see my scars (I only ever do it on my upper legs unless I'm trying to kill myself) and it makes things way more awkward if I ever have to use the changing rooms at taekwondo because not only do I feel weird about using the women's room, I have to plan it so no one sees that I'm binding my chest, and then I have to hide all my cuts which can be difficult depending on how much I've done it. I'm a dumbass.
__________________________________________________ ____________
On a much happier note (which ends in loneliness...), I just had the best fucking weekend ever with my best friend and her family. Mostly just hanging out with her. We went to some shops and shit, but I more enjoyed just lounging around the guest house. There were a lot of people, most of whom were related to her, that I didn't know staying there too, but I wasn't freaked out by it like I'd normally be. Our bedroom was a loft, which was really cool, except that I kept hitting my head on the ceiling (more often than she did, which is odd considering she's 6 inches taller than me)

Everyone there liked me. I brought over a fresh blueberry streusel I'd baked to thank them for letting me stay, and everybody loved it. People kept complimenting me about it, which was nice even though getting compliments IRL tends to embarrass me a lot. Things were much more relaxed there than at my house. We were allowed to watch movies on the couch for hours, and eat, and drink soda on the couch without getting yelled at. We could watch stupid TV shows without negative comments from parents. And it was just nice, in general, to have someone to watch cartoons with. And when we had corn on the cob, they just smeared their ears of corn into the stick of butter instead of having to try to spread it on which is always really fucking annoying.

A really fun part was when we went to the fireworks store to buy things for the picnic they were having back at home in New York. There was some little section of things that are legal to set off in Pennsylvania then a lot more awesome shit for people from out of state. There was a sign that said "No PA residents beyond this point please" but I pretended like I was part of their family, ignored the sign, and looked at the illegal stuff. ANARCHY!!!:thumbup1:

Now I'm so lonely. Thinking about how even though she called me my chosen name, she really didn't seem to grasp my gender identity even though she's seen all of my Tumblr posts which is where I've talked about it the most. I wonder if she'd feel betrayed if I medically transitioned? I think most people will.

[MotherCossack]

i have never been able to do those happy little gathering situations..... where you stay with friends and folk and chill out doing things together and it is just fun and relaxing......
always made me feel like i didn't belong..... and even if i was accepted by them, i always rejected myself on behalf of them anyway.

I suppose i am just a sad, malfunctioning loser....
too old to learn the ropes now.....forgotten why i would want to anyway.....

[MotherCossack]

and money fucks me off....seems like a drug....i keep needing more of it to get the same out of it............ oh is that inflation........?

[Danielle Ni Dhighe]

I've been depressed lately. My initial application for federal disability benefits was rejected, so now I'm in the process of appealing. I'm trying to find a charity to help with my electric bill before the power is shut off on Friday. I'm struggling to survive on $197 a month. At some point, it just becomes too much to deal with.

[bad ideas actualised by alcohol]

For me, I tend to think of it as "punishing myself". Sometimes there's something specific I have to punish myself for (very often, it has been homework-related, which is kind of pathetic, but that's actually the reason I cut myself for the very first time, when I was 12), but sometimes it's just about random shit I've done in the past and am pretty sure I'm going to end up doing again in the future no matter how hard I try. I hate cutting; it makes me feel horrible because I can never do it right. Doing it right would mean getting a huge scar which would make me hate myself every time I saw it which maybe I have a scar like that on my leg right now, I'm going to have to wait and see if it goes away because usually they do. I don't know why I keep doing it if it doesn't make me feel good or anything and I always get scared that my parents are going to see my scars (I only ever do it on my upper legs unless I'm trying to kill myself) and it makes things way more awkward if I ever have to use the changing rooms at taekwondo because not only do I feel weird about using the women's room, I have to plan it so no one sees that I'm binding my chest, and then I have to hide all my cuts which can be difficult depending on how much I've done it. I'm a dumbass.
__________________________________________________ ____________
On a much happier note (which ends in loneliness...), I just had the best fucking weekend ever with my best friend and her family. Mostly just hanging out with her. We went to some shops and shit, but I more enjoyed just lounging around the guest house. There were a lot of people, most of whom were related to her, that I didn't know staying there too, but I wasn't freaked out by it like I'd normally be. Our bedroom was a loft, which was really cool, except that I kept hitting my head on the ceiling (more often than she did, which is odd considering she's 6 inches taller than me)

Everyone there liked me. I brought over a fresh blueberry streusel I'd baked to thank them for letting me stay, and everybody loved it. People kept complimenting me about it, which was nice even though getting compliments IRL tends to embarrass me a lot. Things were much more relaxed there than at my house. We were allowed to watch movies on the couch for hours, and eat, and drink soda on the couch without getting yelled at. We could watch stupid TV shows without negative comments from parents. And it was just nice, in general, to have someone to watch cartoons with. And when we had corn on the cob, they just smeared their ears of corn into the stick of butter instead of having to try to spread it on which is always really fucking annoying.

A really fun part was when we went to the fireworks store to buy things for the picnic they were having back at home in New York. There was some little section of things that are legal to set off in Pennsylvania then a lot more awesome shit for people from out of state. There was a sign that said "No PA residents beyond this point please" but I pretended like I was part of their family, ignored the sign, and looked at the illegal stuff. ANARCHY!!!:thumbup1:

Now I'm so lonely. Thinking about how even though she called me my chosen name, she really didn't seem to grasp my gender identity even though she's seen all of my Tumblr posts which is where I've talked about it the most. I wonder if she'd feel betrayed if I medically transitioned? I think most people will.

Why would people feel betrayed?

[Landsharks eat metal]

Why would people feel betrayed?

I guess just because they've thought of me the same way for years (i.e. a girl), and even though I'm really still the same person besides my gender identity, people don't really seem to understand that, and either way, everyone is going to actually change the way they think about me. Plus, some people, like my parents, refuse to accept my gender identity at all, so I feel like I'm going to be dead to them if I transition.

[Salyut]

I shared an air mattress with a friend the other night. 100% platonic but still... Been years since I shared a bed with someone. Haven't slept so well in years. :blushing:

[Metacomet]

Didn't get work study. So my masters is going to cost even more, and I won't be able to get experience in a library while in school. I have a terrible feeling that I am making the biggest fucking mistake of my life. I'm gonna graduate with 35,000 in debt and get stuck working at the mall again. I just know it.

[MotherCossack]

today was a day much like yesterday.....
today was a day like tomorrow will be....
a day.... and a day..... and a day.... and a day....
a birth day ... a may day... a hey day

[Revolution starts with U]

I wish infatuation was like a physical ailment because then I could go to a place where they understand what's going on and they could take care of me and I would have a legit excuse for being so unproductive and I could shit and vomit and shit and vomit until it's all out of my system. instead I just have to sit around and pretend everything's ok until it passes.

What do you mean by infatuation?

I've found the way to be more productive is to accept your unproductivity and study it. Is it really unproductive, or just according to current standards? If it is, what makes you unproductive? Are there other things getting in your way? What's more important, those things or being productive?

Nothing changes if you're not aware of it and its causes. Then from awareness comes the mantra: do it, do it, do it, do it. Want to be more creative? Be more creative. Proliferation is the mark of every great innovator. Want to be more handy? Be more handy.

A journey of 1000 miles happens one step at a time. :thumbup1:

[MotherCossack]

How do you get big writing i want to envelop the world with my venomous hatred of this piece of shit computer.
it is a colossal waste of my fucking time.... and no one better try and tell me it isn't a temperamental, moody as fuck, spoilt brat of a thing........ i swear that this piece of shit, apology for technology, is trying to drive me insane.... have me committed and live in sin with my family, while i languish in some horrendous loony bin in some dead end corner of this god-forsaken isle.
And on top of that.... the walls have ears..... the floor has flippers and the ceiling is wearing my best sexy underwear!
shut up mother.... if you dont stop making yourself laugh i will get really annoyed....
I am trying to work off my well earned fury here.... and you keep trying to spoil it with absurdities...... behave you trollop of the highest order

[MotherCossack]

ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

gggggggggggggoooooooooooodddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think i might be moving... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! !!!!!!

hhhhhhhhhheeeeeellllllllllpppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

how do you move again???????????????????

watch this space for madness, lunacy and lots and lots of CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Quail]

I hate bulimia. Too much binging, not enough purging makes me fat. How does someone with a bmi of 19 look so overweight? I want to just stop eating. Maybe make it a game, see how long I can go. I can't stand my body being this big, it makes me want to hack the flesh off with a knife.

It's like my body represents everything I hate about myself. If I could just starve it away, maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much. Unfortunately I'm too addicted to numbing my feelings by eating and puking to ever get thin enough so I'm doomed to hate myself forever.

[MotherCossack]

I hate bulimia. Too much binging, not enough purging makes me fat. How does someone with a bmi of 19 look so overweight? I want to just stop eating. Maybe make it a game, see how long I can go. I can't stand my body being this big, it makes me want to hack the flesh off with a knife.

It's like my body represents everything I hate about myself. If I could just starve it away, maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much. Unfortunately I'm too addicted to numbing my feelings by eating and puking to ever get thin enough so I'm doomed to hate myself forever.

tell me about it, love..... it is the story of my life......
jesus... i am the queen of this shit.......but.... beware......
i have lost youth.....dreams.... looks.... teeth.... hope ... friends and much bone density all at the alter of food misuse.

and now...... i limp on...... damaged.....a shadow of what i could have been.....
yet....i owe it to what is left of me to march on .....and wring out of whatever is left, as much as i possibly can....

[MotherCossack]

....and.... having been told i was probably infertile..... which at the time meant very little......
i am eternally grateful to the powers that be.....
for giving me 4 little scrumptious, unique, delightful, enigmatic and delightfully troublesome persons who i am proud to be responsible for.....
so .... thats a turn up for the books .....eh?

[Salyut]

Hate is the only thing I feel anymore.

[Don't Swallow The Cap]

Im tired of living in constant detachment; I cant seem to find a place or people that I belong. I have recently been prescribed an anti anxiety/depression medication, but it has not shown to be promising. Worst of all, I have only told my Doc that im feeling this way, since most the people I am surrounded by think that said conditions don't exist.
A terrible pressure has taken up residence in my chest.

[Buitraker]

Im tired of living in constant detachment; I cant seem to find a place or people that I belong. I have recently been prescribed an anti anxiety/depression medication, but it has not shown to be promising. Worst of all, I have only told my Doc that im feeling this way, since most the people I am surrounded by think that said conditions don't exist.
A terrible pressure has taken up residence in my chest.
Do some excersie
Do footing, play football, basketball...

Sports are the best way to deal with anxiety

[black magick hustla]

I hate bulimia. Too much binging, not enough purging makes me fat. How does someone with a bmi of 19 look so overweight? I want to just stop eating. Maybe make it a game, see how long I can go. I can't stand my body being this big, it makes me want to hack the flesh off with a knife.

It's like my body represents everything I hate about myself. If I could just starve it away, maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much. Unfortunately I'm too addicted to numbing my feelings by eating and puking to ever get thin enough so I'm doomed to hate myself forever.

it probably doesn't help much, but i think i have you in fb and you don't look fat, ugly, etc. just like an attractive 20something. Probably won't help because I am sure tons of people have said that before, but good luck.

[Landsharks eat metal]

My step-cousin just died. I never actually met him so I don't really feel much about it, but it's just kind of scary. He was only 30 years old and died of an agonizing brain tumor. He had a son (I think) of not yet two years old. But the fact that I'm not sad, that I never even knew him, is really what's tearing me up inside.

He was from my mother's side of the family; almost all of them live in California. We used to fly out to California to see my grandparents every day, and I was really close with my grandfather. Now as they're getting older, they almost never leave the house (especially my grandfather, who has mobility issues but is too proud to use a cane, walker, or wheelchair.) When my mother goes to visit them, she leaves me at home because I just get really annoyed at how slow they are. I haven't seen them in a few years. My aunts, uncles, and cousins, even longer. And some of the more distant relatives I will never know because they refuse to talk to my mother since she left the Mormon church.

The situation is better with my father's side of the family. We see them for Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas every year, but most of the time I just feel like going off on my own and not dealing with them. My father's parents are both dead. My grandmother died before I was even conceived (but not before my sister was born), which I'm always a bit resentful of because she would have been the grandparent that would have spoiled me. My sister might not remember it, but she had that experience at least a little bit. My paternal grandfather is the reason my father treats me the way he does. When he died about 6 years ago, I felt nothing.

I always feel like my "branch" of the family doesn't fit in because we're all nerds and the rest of them aren't, really. And I feel like I don't fit in with my branch of the family because I'm not really quite so much a meek intellectual, which is how I would characterize the rest of them. I have more in common with one of my younger cousins than I ever expected, but I still feel like I'm in totally the wrong place.

Family pretty much means nothing but an annoyance to me right now. I mean, there are definitely some benefits, but I kind of just want to close myself off from everybody and just die before I ever have to talk to someone again and before I end up like my maternal grandfather, which I probably will. I have no idea how to ask for help and hate accepting it because I know it makes me appear weak.

[Goblin]

are you okay? :unsure:
Yeah, im okay. The cuts arent that deep. They may still make scars though which sucks.

[Crux]

Wave after wave of unspecified feelings of love and loneliness. Well, there are a few specific people but it's not an "falling in love" kind of feeling. Just that they are lovely. And not here.

[MotherCossack]

wooooooohhhhh.........aaahhhhhh..........wwwwwwwwa aaahhhhhhh......
is that how you spell deep breathing?
probably not.......
anyway........................!!!!!!!!??????
to hell with prudent use of punctuation....... [sorry Agent Ducky]
we live in difficult and testing times..... the odd use of punctuated overkill is surely allowable?

oh my god..... [as I type I am, myself getting bored..... am I tearing the arse out of it?]
puleaze cossack hag...... get on with it......

i got the house..... the cute, tinsy, neutrino-sized, single occupancy, council house that is so quaint and .... well, cosy...... cramped..Noooooo! not cramped.... just economical with space!
its a skinny bookmark shaped house... with skinny long garden.....wow... i never move.......
scary times..... i will miss this little bomb site of a pigsty.... its awful.... but its me!
where to start packing?

[PC LOAD LETTER]

wooooooohhhhh.........aaahhhhhh..........wwwwwwwwa aaahhhhhhh......
is that how you spell deep breathing?
probably not.......
anyway........................!!!!!!!!??????
to hell with prudent use of punctuation....... [sorry Agent Ducky]
we live in difficult and testing times..... the odd use of punctuated overkill is surely allowable?

oh my god..... [as I type I am, myself getting bored..... am I tearing the arse out of it?]
puleaze cossack hag...... get on with it......

i got the house..... the cute, tinsy, neutrino-sized, single occupancy, council house that is so quaint and .... well, cosy...... cramped..Noooooo! not cramped.... just economical with space!
its a skinny bookmark shaped house... with skinny long garden.....wow... i never move.......
scary times..... i will miss this little bomb site of a pigsty.... its awful.... but its me!
where to start packing?
Moving is fun ... but, I moved so much as a kid that I feel weird if I don't change my scenery regularly.

I went to 14+ schools (kindergarten thru high school)

Pretty sure thats why I have an insatiable wanderlust

[Workers-Control-Over-Prod]

Hate is the only thing I feel anymore.

Well, i find that hate is the easiest way of dealing with problems. There are a lot of fruits of anger to be found: every fourth child alive is forced to drink unclean water regularly; over 1 Billion humans live disgusting lives in reeking slums; an ever growing 1 Billion humans are in a permanent state of severe undernourishment, unable to have a social life or work at hand of their physical vegetile state. It's sick, and is systematically suppressed in the ruling class press. 5 Germans have a fatal hiking accident in Nepal? Front page. 100,000 humans die a day of starvation(!), their bodies eaten up by their own body? Never read or saw a single article daily about it.

Fuck the West, curse the history of colonialism and wish a speedy death to the Imperialist bloodsuckers' construct of invading and sucking the third world's workers dry and leaving behind a social and natural catastrophe. Fuck it all, attack the oppressors, the people in suits and private jets, jump on them and make their career positions to a living hell. Hate. Reasons upon reasons on hating every stupid little thing that reminds one of the anti-human essence of this wretched system of Capital. One day justice will win, indignation and Hate will triumph over the ruling banality of evil!

[Don't Swallow The Cap]

Wave after wave of unspecified feelings of love and loneliness. Well, there are a few specific people but it's not an "falling in love" kind of feeling. Just that they are lovely. And not here.


Oh man, I know the feeling all too well.

[Quail]

it probably doesn't help much, but i think i have you in fb and you don't look fat, ugly, etc. just like an attractive 20something. Probably won't help because I am sure tons of people have said that before, but good luck.
People do say these things, and I struggle to believe them. I try to use logic and rational thoughts, but I can't seem to get rid of the deep-seated irrational feelings about myself that prevent any move towards recovery.

I don't think I have any good coping strategies at all. I feel totally dominated by my emotions at the moment and my moods are so volatile. I need to find a way of getting enough of a handle on how I feel in order to do more trauma therapy because it brings up loads of stuff I don't know how to deal with. I think my issues are a tangled mess of things that all feed into one another and I don't know where to start.

I wonder if maybe some mdma and a chat to my boyfriend would help. I talk to him about stuff, but I still hide quite a lot of stuff from him and I don't feel able to communicate which the mdma would help with. I dunno. I feel a bit lost and hopeless at the moment. If things get worse I could see myself becoming suicidal or an accidental danger to myself.

[Goblin]

The anti depressants have really helped me. The social anxiety is all gone. 2 days ago i took the bus alone to Oslo (only about a 20 minute bus ride).

I went to the Jewish museum, something i have been wanting to do after i found out about my jewish roots. When i entered i looked this one guy who worked there in the eyes and asked how much it costs (40kr for students). After i had payed i went in and looked around.

After having walked around for a few minutes this eldery jewish man who also worked there asked me if i wanted him to show me around. I looked him in the eyes and said yes please.

We walked around for about 30 minutes. I asked him questions while making eye contact and he answered.

Eventually we sat down and had an actuall conversation. We looked each other in the eyes and spoke. I talked about my great-great grandparents who came to Norway in the 1870s. We talked for about 30 minutes. It felt fucking amazing. I havent had a real conversation in almost 5 years.

They also sold a lot of cool stuff in the musseum. I bought a kippah, a dreidel and a book about judaism and its history. The old man also reccomended me visiting the Oslo synagogue. He gave me the adress so im most likely visiting it next week.

After visiting the musseum i went to a book store and bought Anne Franks diary. I also went into a clothing store and bought myself a t shirt.

And please excuse my shitty spelling, im very tired at the moment. (NOT HIGH!)

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm such a dumbass. I can't seem to stop cutting myself no matter how hard I try. I've kind of lost track of why I do it now. I guess to punish myself for being an idiot somehow, or something like that, and because I know I'll just never be able to measure up to others' expectations. I really didn't want to last night, but I was trying to stop myself from cutting at the same time I was trying to stop myself from freaking out over the thunderstorm, so I just kind of wasn't able to control everything at once.

I kept trying to cut myself in the same place at least five times to see if I could get it deep, but it got more swollen than anything else. It hurts like hell now. Even the fact that I'm wearing pants hurts. I'm going to have to be extra careful hiding them because they're really long and red, kind of hard to miss.

When the bleeding stopped and I tried to go to bed, not only was I still freaked out about the storm, I started having all these sudden memories of when I was in the hospital last fall. Then I had a dream I was in the hospital again. Horrible dream. All I wanted was to find someone who would be nice to me, but this dude thought I was 8 months pregnant when I said I came from the hospital, but I said I was there for depression. He asked me if all crazy people have such weird stomachs, and I said it was just that I was a fatass.

My body image issues don't usually make it into my dreams. But I actually am fat, so...

[Landsharks eat metal]

and just when I thought I couldn't get any stupider...

i can't do anything about my emotions. I tried to channel them through singing, but then I had to be uninhibited about it and try to ignore the fact that I sound like such a girl all the time. It worked for a while, but then at the end I started feeling horrible and disgusting and symbolically cut myself on the chest about 6 times. It hurts now, as does my leg (which I tried to cut again in the same place, but it hurt enough just to poke it with the scissors.)

pathetic.

[Quail]

Sometimes I find drawing or anything creativecan be really helpful when it comes to managing my emptions. When I'm doing creative stuff I notice I feel more in control of my mood and emotions. I am increasingly relying on self injury to regulate my feelings. I would like to stop because my body's a horrible scarred mess but I don't know how else to deal with stuff.

I am so hungover today and it's made me eat too much. This sounds like an awful thing to say, but times like this make me wish I had anorexia and was too scared to eat. I really miss starvation. I miss feeling too weak to get out of bed, passing out in the shower, the dizziness, the aching emptiness in my stomach. Bulimia is bullshit and makes me feel like a failure.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I need to stop eating so fucking much. Most of the time I just eat because I'm bored, but sometimes it's to prevent negative emotions from surfacing. I'm starting to think I actually have a legitimate problem with it, but I'm scared to let anybody IRL know about most of my problems and especially to give up a coping mechanism. I mean, I'm already obese. I am more than 50 pounds heavier than the upper range of the healthy weight for my body size, and for my bone structure, I should actually be at the lower end.

I pretend like I don't give a shit, but I do.

[Quail]

Binge eating does help wiyh emotional problems amd there's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to admitting that you comfort eat. Or there shouldn't be. There is a myth that fat = lazy but it's a myth. In order to lose weight, you have to not need to rely on overeating as a coping mechanism (fir me that means starving myself but really it should mean,being,able to cope healthily with feelings).

[MotherCossack]

it is official!
we are moving!
i am bereft!

i love my old lived in flat,
it is my natural habitat.

i love all the scribbles on every wall,
they tell a story about us all.

i love the lack of any space
cos i know it is my place.

two bedrooms..... that is all
but they are big and very tall.

the kitchen is a terrible state
but it's so big.... and i say great.

i feel so sad like someone died
and all is strange but i cannot hide.

[Landsharks eat metal]

It's an annoying cycle. I start feeling pathetic and weak and end up cutting myself, which feeds into the next day feeling even more worthless. And it huts enough so that I'm just like godfuckingdammit why did I do that, but there's something that won't let me not do it because I need to be punished.

I wish I had the guts to speak out in class more. I know the answers, sometimes when nobody else does, but I'm too scared of being wrong.

[Quail]

^ That is exactly how I feel about my eating, my self harm and my drinking. I know all of the stuff I do is harmful and feeds into my problems but I still do them. I bought 2 different types of diet pills this week and they weren't cheap. Diet pills are dangerous and expensive but the most tragic thing is I knowthey probably don't work so what the fuck am I doing?

Therapy this week managed to drag up buried memories about being bullied at school and all those emotions. I don't know when I got so good at burying my emotioms but no wonder I'm such a mess with no actual coping mechanisms.

[Landsharks eat metal]

futile
is what life is. just trying to say something that has never been said, but I can't. What's the use?

And in the course of punishing myself for being weak and pathetic, I show myself that I'm even more weak and pathetic than I thought. The cuts barely bled at all.

[Ele'ill]

I quit drinking alcohol and energy drinks, started smoking again and drinking coffee, started working out consistently and intentionally mixed into my work schedule which is also physically demanding and started eating super healthy. Also started walking to the market every day for avocados and bananas.

[Art Vandelay]

I quit drinking alcohol and energy drinks, started smoking again and drinking coffee, started working out consistently and intentionally mixed into my work schedule which is also physically demanding and started eating super healthy. Also started walking to the market every day for avocados and bananas.

Sounds awesome; I need to do the equivalent for me soon, which would include moderating my alcohol intake and quitting smoking (minus the occasional cigar of course :D).

[Ele'ill]

Sounds awesome; I need to do the equivalent for me soon, which would include moderating my alcohol intake and quitting smoking (minus the occasional cigar of course :D).

I'd just do it for a week or two straight and you'll not want to stop at that point.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Does anyone else just totally hate the dating scene? Like I want a girlfriend but it's just so hard to find a person I think I might actually like being in a relationship with. Like there was that girl at work, but now that I've actually started talking to her, looking at her Facebook posts and stuff, she just seems like a person I could be friends with. Then like a week ago I was at a hookah lounge and one of the girls working there commented on how she loved my Rage Against the Machine hat. She is pretty cute and everything but I didn't think she would like to be hit on at work as I hate it when that happens generally. But then I saw her yesterday when I was in Hot Topic buying a Red Hot Chili Pepper shirt and she was all over me! So we just chatted about our love for various bands and she tells me "I have to go to work actually right now, you should come by sometime soon. Wear your Rage hat :)" Horrible thing is I still don't have her number or even her name, I was hella nervous for some reason.

So now I'm just sitting here thinking I need to go back to this hookah bar when she's working one night so that we could maybe start something, relationship or just casual sex idk. But at the same time I don't even know if I want to get involved with anybody, anyway, right now. I'm like bipolar or something, fucking sucks.

[roy]

so i was at this party last week and i hooked up with a girl who i was already kind of friends with. actually she's my date to formal (prom). we spent the night together and by the next morning it seemed as though some kind of romantic connection had been established, so yesterday i went to her birthday party for which i bought her something (it wasn't really expensive or anything i didn't get carried away). pretty much as soon as i handed it over she said, 'can we just go back to the way things were?' she even offered to return what i gave her. i can't remember exactly how i replied, but it was amicable in a heavily drunken sort of way. anyway all that sucked and the rest of what i remember is vomiting and having another girl take pity on me and consequently trying to bite my tongue off and then leaving early in the morning with the girl i'm enamoured with lying on some other guy. yeah i know this isn't serious just stupid high school stuff but it sucks and i have no one else to vent to.

[Dumb]

I'm boring, I'm dumb and I'm lazy. I'm twenty-four and I live on my mother's couch; I fall asleep each night not five feet away from where my dad has passed out in a drunken stupor. Job? I bag groceries part-time at minimum wage. I haven't been on a date in over two years, haven't been intimate in three, and all the people I used to call "friend" don't even bother letting me know when they're hanging out or performing or anything.

Somebody just fucking shoot me already.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

so i was at this party last week and i hooked up with a girl who i was already kind of friends with. actually she's my date to formal (prom). we spent the night together and by the next morning it seemed as though some kind of romantic connection had been established, so yesterday i went to her birthday party for which i bought her something (it wasn't really expensive or anything i didn't get carried away). pretty much as soon as i handed it over she said, 'can we just go back to the way things were?' she even offered to return what i gave her. i can't remember exactly how i replied, but it was amicable in a heavily drunken sort of way. anyway all that sucked and the rest of what i remember is vomiting and having another girl take pity on me and consequently trying to bite my tongue off and then leaving early in the morning with the girl i'm enamoured with lying on some other guy. yeah i know this isn't serious just stupid high school stuff but it sucks and i have no one else to vent to.
I was in a similar situation the summer after my freshman year of college. Met an awesome girl through mutual friends (friend's girlfriend's friend). She starts hanging out with my group of friends a bunch, we get down, then after a couple of weeks I asked her if she wanted to date. She replied with "I thought we were just 'whatever'" (her exact words). I say "Oh word" while thinking "fucking shit" at the same time. I decide to enjoy the casual sex while it lasted. Which it didn't. That night, I call her to see if she wants to go to this party with my friends and me. She says no. An hour later she blows up my phone (I was already there and started drinking a little bit) begging to go. She lived about two miles away, and I'd only had like 2 beers, so I go get her. It turns out this new dude she wanted to fuck was there and he was too drunk to go get her, but she knew I would give her a ride (he announced 'sorry i was too drunk to get you!!' when she got out of my car). They were all over each other the entire time and made it pretty obvious when they were going to go fuck in his car.

Now, she could do what she wanted, that's her biz, but I was really depressed ... :( ... plus it was pretty awkward because the people that knew me well were all "uh ... weren't you two fucking like rabbits two days ago?" ... and I felt kinda used at that point.

Oh well, that was ... 4 years ago so it doesn't bug me anymore.

[roy]

i can't wait for it to be four years ago. at this point, unrequited love sucks.

[Landsharks eat metal]

how much of my days wasted pretending i'm not alone

[Salyut]

Platonic snuggles. :wub:

[Leftsolidarity]

Does anyone else just totally hate the dating scene? Like I want a girlfriend but it's just so hard to find a person I think I might actually like being in a relationship with. Like there was that girl at work, but now that I've actually started talking to her, looking at her Facebook posts and stuff, she just seems like a person I could be friends with. Then like a week ago I was at a hookah lounge and one of the girls working there commented on how she loved my Rage Against the Machine hat. She is pretty cute and everything but I didn't think she would like to be hit on at work as I hate it when that happens generally. But then I saw her yesterday when I was in Hot Topic buying a Red Hot Chili Pepper shirt and she was all over me! So we just chatted about our love for various bands and she tells me "I have to go to work actually right now, you should come by sometime soon. Wear your Rage hat :)" Horrible thing is I still don't have her number or even her name, I was hella nervous for some reason.

So now I'm just sitting here thinking I need to go back to this hookah bar when she's working one night so that we could maybe start something, relationship or just casual sex idk. But at the same time I don't even know if I want to get involved with anybody, anyway, right now. I'm like bipolar or something, fucking sucks.

I know what you mean, I would really like to find someone that I'd feel good dating in a serious relationship. No such luck, though.

Stuck with casual sex with friends. It's nice cuz of the freedom but I don't mind just having one person that I know I can count on and invest in emotionally.

[Art Vandelay]

I'm boring, I'm dumb and I'm lazy.

No you are not and that (although the hardest for someone who is depressed to accept) is what you need to realize.


I'm twenty-four and I live on my mother's couch; I fall asleep each night not five feet away from where my dad has passed out in a drunken stupor.

Well I am not quite as old as you are (19) but I still live at home as well and sleep on a couch every night. Although I am used to it by now cause I haven't slept in my bed since elementary school.


Job? I bag groceries part-time at minimum wage.

I am a delivery driver; its not much better.


I haven't been on a date in over two years, haven't been intimate in three, and all the people I used to call "friend" don't even bother letting me know when they're hanging out or performing or anything.

Somebody just fucking shoot me already.

I have suffered from depression (thankfully for the last little bit I have been surprisingly happy; knocks on wood) and I know the feeling of wanting to die. On top of that there probably isn't much I could say (being some random dude on the internet) which would help you. I have never been good at knowing the right things to say or consoling people when they are sad, but what I can say is this: your post caught my attention because it reminded me of myself (of how I used to feel), that means that if I have gotten better, you can too.

Sorry if that's rather bland or anti-climactic but its all I could think of to say. Get better and be happy (although I know how tough it can be in this fucked up world).

[Quail]

I always told myself I'd never get into diet pills. They're a dangerous scam, and unethically prey on the vul.erable. Yet now after less than a week I'm hooked. If I forget the pills I must throw up. I am so destructive at the moment, it's scary. I can't even tell anyone about the diet pills. I can't tell anyone that I have such an overwhelming need to make muself numb to everything all the time. My mental health is just getting so bad I'm barely coping with everyday tasks. It's a struggle to keep the house neat and tidy for my son and wash our clothes. I don't want to die but I feel as though my death is an inevitability because if I don't die on purpose I'll end up doing it by accident.

[¿Que?]

Went to a protest today. Saw and talked to the. most. gorgeous. woman. alive. She told me she was married :(

Can't stop thinking about her...

EDIT: In a vain attempt at impressing her, I was going to show her pictures of the police informant I have on my phone. Unfortunately, she disappeared before I got the chance :(

[Lobotomy]

I think I'm having genuine suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life oh god

[Leftsolidarity]

Fuck. Just fuck. Many many many fucks.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

Looks like everyone is in a good mood these days :(

[bad ideas actualised by alcohol]

I have an attention span of zero. Really, I read two pages in a boo, get distractedand do something else. Even when I try to keep my attention, I just can't do it.

[Zav]

I think I'm having genuine suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life oh god
:( The first time is the most disturbing. You get numb to the idea of having them after a while. Just try to get help before you attempt, okay?

[Landsharks eat metal]

So tired of fighting with my parents. Maybe this is a bit shitty of me, but I never help out around the house. I am terrible at everything they want me to do and am really tired of getting made fun of, plus, I don't really feel like a part of my family. They can tell me they love me all they want, but I'm pretty sure that's only because of the societal expectations of the treatment of one's offspring. If I wasn't related to them, I know I'd be out on my ass and I kind of wish that would happen just because then I'd have to do something.

My parents always seem to want to accuse me of having no work ethic; they forget things that are not convenient to them in the argument. I volunteer at a local library as often as I am able and am always being told by the staff what a great job I'm doing, how fantastic I am at spotting little problems or inconsistencies that no one else notices, and how thankful they are to me for helping out. And I do it because I love the work, I love libraries, and I like helping people. At home, my father is more likely to point out how I'm doing the yard/house work wrong, how I'm totally inefficient, and that I'm just so lazy. I, like most people, find it so much easier to work for people who aren't bullying me.

I'm still not convinced my dad actually cares, though. He never listens to me, and his being "concerned" seems far more like anger than anything else.

[Admiral Swagmeister G-Funk]

i'm in 1000s of £s worth of debt. revolution plz?

[A Revolutionary Tool]

So tired of fighting with my parents. Maybe this is a bit shitty of me, but I never help out around the house. I am terrible at everything they want me to do and am really tired of getting made fun of, plus, I don't really feel like a part of my family. They can tell me they love me all they want, but I'm pretty sure that's only because of the societal expectations of the treatment of one's offspring. If I wasn't related to them, I know I'd be out on my ass and I kind of wish that would happen just because then I'd have to do something.

My parents always seem to want to accuse me of having no work ethic; they forget things that are not convenient to them in the argument. I volunteer at a local library as often as I am able and am always being told by the staff what a great job I'm doing, how fantastic I am at spotting little problems or inconsistencies that no one else notices, and how thankful they are to me for helping out. And I do it because I love the work, I love libraries, and I like helping people. At home, my father is more likely to point out how I'm doing the yard/house work wrong, how I'm totally inefficient, and that I'm just so lazy. I, like most people, find it so much easier to work for people who aren't bullying me.

I'm still not convinced my dad actually cares, though. He never listens to me, and his being "concerned" seems far more like anger than anything else.
I feel you, my parents do the exact same thing, at least my stepdad. I'll tell you right now I don't really do much around my house because I'm rarely even there during the day time. But when I am home I will do the dishes and take out the trash. There's never really a mess in my house because we have been taught to clean up messes when they get made. But my stepdad is still a douche about things. I take out the trash and he says "finally do something around the house". I rarely eat here anymore, pay the cable bill for you guys and rent, and you're going to complain that I don't do enough stuff around the house?

[Ocean Seal]

i'm in 1000s of £s worth of debt. revolution plz?
Shit, I know this feels like a really serious problem, but you'll get through it. I have quite some debt from my student loan, but my Dad was in the same situation and it was alright.

[Lobotomy]

:( The first time is the most disturbing. You get numb to the idea of having them after a while. Just try to get help before you attempt, okay?

Thank you.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Thank you.

Are you okay? I'm really worried about you.

[Lobotomy]

Are you okay? I'm really worried about you.

thanks for your concern... Idk, it just feels like everything is going wrong lately, and I'm completely the type to bottle things up so it's all just overwhelming..

[Book O'Dead]

The way some people here resort to accusations and threats when they can't handle dissent. Childish.

[Admiral Swagmeister G-Funk]

The way some people here resort to accusations and threats when they can't handle dissent. Childish.There are people here talking about very serious problems. Get a real issue...

[Salyut]

Yesterday was Pride and it was...awesome and fucking bizarre at the same time.

1) Drunk guy threatened to tear out my septum piercing. I stood my ground and he backed the fuck down. Go me.
2) People were apparently checking me out. omfg.
3) My creeper-stalker dude...is fucking a go-go dancer. wat (everyone's default reaction). Must be a sign of the end times.
4) Went on an epic quest to get my lesbian friend laid. Never been to a nightclub before - ...it was interesting. Unfortunately the club was overrun with straight women and their dude bro boyfriends (and this was the gay club in town). On Pride too! da fuuuck. This later morphed into me and her seriously considering just fucking each other (she's a pro-life Republican - this is really as lolwut as it seems)...and then it some how turned into trying to set up a threesome...and it kinda fell apart when the alcohol wore off and we all ended up watching youtube videos at 5 AM.
6) I'm in a really WTF state now. Friend and me are gonna talk about shit and I've never even remotely been in this situation before. @[email protected]

So in the end, I kissed three people (first kiss was a guy - did not see that coming) and I got epic sunburn on my neck.


:bored: < mfw

[Positivist]

I think I'm having genuine suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life oh god

I understand that. The first time you have real suicidal thoughts, like the ones where you would actually prefer nothingness to your current feelings are terrifying. I hope you get through it! Talking about it can help if you bottle it up so you can message me any time you want to.

[Lanky Wanker]

I always told myself I'd never get into diet pills. They're a dangerous scam, and unethically prey on the vul.erable. Yet now after less than a week I'm hooked. If I forget the pills I must throw up. I am so destructive at the moment, it's scary. I can't even tell anyone about the diet pills. I can't tell anyone that I have such an overwhelming need to make muself numb to everything all the time. My mental health is just getting so bad I'm barely coping with everyday tasks. It's a struggle to keep the house neat and tidy for my son and wash our clothes. I don't want to die but I feel as though my death is an inevitability because if I don't die on purpose I'll end up doing it by accident.

I remember my mum saying she took those amphetamine diet pills when she was younger, not for long though thankfully. I wish I could say or do something to help you, but I can't. :( This is probably a silly question, but does your boyfriend know about the pills?

[roy]

The way some people here resort to accusations and threats when they can't handle dissent. Childish.

nice heart-pouring. there's nothing wrong with dissent -- you were just being a dick and ascribing stereotypical characteristics to an ideology without actually making any valid criticism. i think it's cute that you're upset about it though.

[Revolution starts with U]

I am a speck of dust demanding the universe tells me why it exists
A pump digging into the depths of my being, pulling up the waters of my soul to plunge forth, gushing out with the essence of life
I am being, completely
and for that I am grateful.

:wub:

[Art Vandelay]

I am a fucking loser.

[Salyut]

A girl might be trying to hook up with me today. I am actually kinda scared. :crying:

[bad ideas actualised by alcohol]

The way some people here resort to accusations and threats when they can't handle dissent. Childish.

Like when we had a discussion about what the word reactionary means and then you screamed STALIN=REACTIONARY and STALIN SCHOOL OF FALSIFICATION!!!

Childish.:rolleyes:

[Landsharks eat metal]

fuck
I feel worse than I have in months. maybe as bad as it was when I was hospitalized. Actually worse than when I tried to kill myself in March because whn I feel this bad, I would be too lazy and already feel dead to not even try to do anything. WHen I did it i felt determined. now i just feel like an absolute nothing. i think about it but i won't try itbecause i know I'll fuck up. I'm starting to have trouble eating again; that was significant about what happened in the fall i actually had to force myself to eat. im so scared because i never wanted to feel like this again and it feels like i'm going down the same path again.
yesterday was really fucking awful. i was sitting in class and started staring at my hands and noticing how tiny and feminine they are. it got to the point that i almost started crying iin the middle of class about how awful my body is. a classmate kept sniffing when he could have just blown his nose and been able to stfu after and i almost wanted to strangle him even though he;s been nice to me.
driving home I saw other cars' headlights and they all looked like eyes following me.
when i was alone i started totally flipping out for no reason, almos like a panic attack but not quite. i didn't know what to do so after I was able to open my eyes and stop covering my ears I started chewing on my shirt to stop myself from trying to tear my skin off. I drank some tea, which helped calm me down, but since then, I've had a feeling in the back of my mind that no one will ever understand me and I'll never truly be able to be a man so i'm worthless as fuck but I can't do anything about it.

my scissors are getting really dull so I have to cut in the same place like 5 times to draw any blood. it hurts like hell but I guess I deserve it

[Art Vandelay]

fuck
I feel worse than I have in months. maybe as bad as it was when I was hospitalized. Actually worse than when I tried to kill myself in March because whn I feel this bad, I would be too lazy and already feel dead to not even try to do anything. WHen I did it i felt determined. now i just feel like an absolute nothing. i think about it but i won't try itbecause i know I'll fuck up. I'm starting to have trouble eating again; that was significant about what happened in the fall i actually had to force myself to eat. im so scared because i never wanted to feel like this again and it feels like i'm going down the same path again.
yesterday was really fucking awful. i was sitting in class and started staring at my hands and noticing how tiny and feminine they are. it got to the point that i almost started crying iin the middle of class about how awful my body is. a classmate kept sniffing when he could have just blown his nose and been able to stfu after and i almost wanted to strangle him even though he;s been nice to me.
driving home I saw other cars' headlights and they all looked like eyes following me.
when i was alone i started totally flipping out for no reason, almos like a panic attack but not quite. i didn't know what to do so after I was able to open my eyes and stop covering my ears I started chewing on my shirt to stop myself from trying to tear my skin off. I drank some tea, which helped calm me down, but since then, I've had a feeling in the back of my mind that no one will ever understand me and I'll never truly be able to be a man so i'm worthless as fuck but I can't do anything about it.

I am having a shit day too LEM, why don't we both make some tea right now? Cause that would probably help me calm down too.

Edit: I made some peach tea.

[Revolution starts with U]

Accept your faults, don't run from or hide them from yourself. If you want to change it, you'll find a way, and you will find it in the ever-unfolding dynamic now. If you don't want to change, you will find an excuse. And that's ok.

Ask yourself; why do I fear rejection? What am I trying to achieve? Am I trying to impress them, or myself. Does anybody even care, but me, about this particular fault? Why do I care if they care?

You can either accept what is, and empower yourself. Or you can hide from it and be miserable. Either way, love and strength to you on your journeys, friends :thumbup1:

[Art Vandelay]

I love all the people who post in the PYHO thread. :crying:

[bad ideas actualised by alcohol]

I have serious eating problems, I eat soooooo much. And I still won't gain shit.
My doctors and stuff all think I'm too skinny, but I can't eat more. It's not that I think I'm too fat or something, I just don't gain weight.

[MotherCossack]

i wait....
for my weight....
to elevate....
for padding to accumulate....
being a tad fat 'd be a bit great....

some would titter...
or be quite bitter....
well we all just wanna be fitter....
and you are really a lucky critter...

me, i find it hard to take....
if you really ate enough cake....
and drank milk by the lake
you'd start to wobble when you shake...

the truth is i dont really care...
its whats inside that gives us flair...
how we feel and the fresh air...
life can take us anywhere...

[Art Vandelay]

i wait....
for my weight....
to elevate....
for padding to accumulate....
being a tad fat 'd be a bit great....

some would titter...
or be quite bitter....
well we all just wanna be fitter....
and you are really a lucky critter...

me, i find it hard to take....
if you really ate enough cake....
and drank milk by the lake
you'd start to wobble when you shake...

the truth is i dont really care...
its whats inside that gives us flair...
how we feel and the fresh air...
life can take us anywhere...

Loved it! You and my ole chap Dodger are by far the most creative posters on the site.

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I've been reflecting on my life lately and what I want to do with it and it's making me a little depressed. Like I'm thinking back on how I never really applied myself in school and that if I did I might be going to some fancy college right now on a scholarship or something. I mean I was reading at a college level in 4th grade, my CAHSEE(or is it SAT's?) scores say I am in the top 1% in California when it comes to history, the top 10% in English, etc. But right now I'm just a 19 year old working at McDonalds who has no direction and doesn't know what to do with himself. I get drunk and high but that doesn't do much for me anymore and going to work hungover sucks. And I have like no connection to anybody it seems, I could sit in my room all by myself for a week without talking to anybody and I would be content. I think I might like to get into journalism but I don't even know where to start. How do people become like full time activists without having a job or anything, I don't get it. I see people on here all the time saying they're going to this or that conference or protest across the country and I don't know how the fuck that works. I can barely make it out to Oakland or SF and I live like an hour or two away...

Idk, it's like I'm not motivated to do anything, I'm lazy, something along those lines. Like everything I want to do I never end up doing and I don't know why but it's starting to fucking kill me inside.

[Zav]

fuck
I feel worse than I have in months. maybe as bad as it was when I was hospitalized. Actually worse than when I tried to kill myself in March because whn I feel this bad, I would be too lazy and already feel dead to not even try to do anything. WHen I did it i felt determined. now i just feel like an absolute nothing. i think about it but i won't try itbecause i know I'll fuck up. I'm starting to have trouble eating again; that was significant about what happened in the fall i actually had to force myself to eat. im so scared because i never wanted to feel like this again and it feels like i'm going down the same path again.
yesterday was really fucking awful. i was sitting in class and started staring at my hands and noticing how tiny and feminine they are. it got to the point that i almost started crying iin the middle of class about how awful my body is. a classmate kept sniffing when he could have just blown his nose and been able to stfu after and i almost wanted to strangle him even though he;s been nice to me.
driving home I saw other cars' headlights and they all looked like eyes following me.
when i was alone i started totally flipping out for no reason, almos like a panic attack but not quite. i didn't know what to do so after I was able to open my eyes and stop covering my ears I started chewing on my shirt to stop myself from trying to tear my skin off. I drank some tea, which helped calm me down, but since then, I've had a feeling in the back of my mind that no one will ever understand me and I'll never truly be able to be a man so i'm worthless as fuck but I can't do anything about it.

my scissors are getting really dull so I have to cut in the same place like 5 times to draw any blood. it hurts like hell but I guess I deserve it
History is a big spiral. You went down that road before, but perhaps this time you'll find the strength to not.
Look at your hands. Now look at that Burger King guy's hands and back at yours. That's CGI, but lots of guys have smaller hands than you do. On the bright side you're able to fist people easier and can put more pressure behind a punch. Really don't compare your anatomy to other people's very much. If we all did that we would only be happy looking like hentai characters.
LEM, you ARE a man. Right now. Sure, you might not have a body you're comfortable in right now, but you will someday. I've found it soothes the dysphoric panic attacks to picture myself as currently being in drag. I think of the crap-ass body as just an elaborate costume.
You don't deserve to be in pain because of other pain, not at all. No one does.

[Salyut]

Oh my god. That night...was nuts.

Also I managed to inadvertently piss off Thomas Muclair (head of the federal NDP) by creating a visible gap in the seating for his rally. I was busy having sexy times in the bushes - so reformist haters gonna hate. ;)

[Vladimir Innit Lenin]

I feel pretty fucking dreadful at the moment. Getting the sack has really put me in the shit. Gonna be up to a grand into my overdraft at this rate, will struggle to have any money for the travelling I wanted to do next summer, or to buy a car at all, or to go on holiday, or to visit my girl.

First-world problems I know, but to be honest, I quite literally have no money and it's very depressing :(

[Salyut]

Oh, and it turns out I can manage to combine pillow talk with militant antifascist rhetoric. :cool:

...The girl in question ended up shaking Mulclair's hands without washing first either. :lol:

[Landsharks eat metal]

I need to figure out a way to get attention without being fucking insane/doing incredibly illegal or dangerous things. The least dangerous thing I was thinking about doing last night was suddenly turning off the lights in the middle of class and throwing a table or two.

I don't know what the fuck my problem is.

[Landsharks eat metal]

fuck I thought i was over this. Almost had a major freakout in class about having to complete a writing prompt. I for some reason have a huge mental block about doing anything to do with writing prompts and have since i was at least 10 years old. I think it's because i feel like I'm not able to express anything i want to say in trying to conform with the prompt, even if it's a question of facts, not self-expression. It was some question about Alexander the Great (and we were allowed to use our textbooks; not hard at all) and I only got as far as writing my name at the top when my breathing started to become uneven. I interlocked my fingers so hard my hands were nearly becoming drenched in sweat and my arms were beginning to ache.

I walked out of the classroom just to get a drink because my mouth was really dry (and also in case I started to cry). The water tasted almost like honey, the way it does only when I'm feeling like the worst I've ever felt. and it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough. I went back to the classroom, covered my head, and just sat there, wishing someone would end my pain.

When I told the professor I had had a mental block on it, he said I can get it done before next class and email him, but i don't think I'll ever be able to do this shit right.

Makes me feel so worthless and dumb. Even listening to my classmate say ridiculous things didn't help too much. And I also feel like i'm continually getting more paranoid because I always feel like people are watching and judging me.
basically, I'm a huge mess and I can never show anyone IRL ever.

[Nox]

fuk sake i fukin hate my mum she stol 90 kwid from my wollit i fukin hate my sister to she ows me a tener

[roy]

lol @ drunk nox

[Agent Ducky]

I feel really bad for my ex right now.
He was the one who broke up with me, but last night we talked until 4 am and he seems to have bounced back to me somewhat. Saying shit like "Why does it have to be that the only girl I have meaningful connection with is asexual?"
I really don't know what to think.

[Nox]

I really don't know what to think.

He loves you but feels that you are sexually incompatible with each other. That's my 2 cents.

[Hermes]

I feel really bad for my ex right now.
He was the one who broke up with me, but last night we talked until 4 am and he seems to have bounced back to me somewhat. Saying shit like "Why does it have to be that the only girl I have meaningful connection with is asexual?"
I really don't know what to think.

This is probably incredibly insensitive and I don't know how you're going to take it, but I'm instantly reminded of The Sun Also Rises, the last lines with Nick and Brett in particular.

[Agent Ducky]

He loves you but feels that you are sexually incompatible with each other. That's my 2 cents.
Fuck. :( just... fucking goddammit.
And I know part of why he left me was because he was interested in this other girl, but apparently that didn't work out. Apparently he intends to tell me what happened but hasn't gotten around to it yet. All he said was that she was "manipulative." I think part of what drove him back to me was the resulting contrast.
I don't know. I guess I just wish there was something I could do...


This is probably incredibly insensitive and I don't know how you're going to take it, but I'm instantly reminded of The Sun Also Rises, the last lines with Nick and Brett in particular.
I've never read it. And you don't have to worry about insensitivity with me, really.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Shit I'm really fucking freaked out and not sure why I'm having this sort of (extreme but relatively concealable) reaction. Well, at least I don't know why it's reached the level it's at.
At the library, when I was checking out some books for a girl, I noticed the card she was using was under the name of (presumably) her brother, and there was a picture of him in his account. He was someone who used to make fun of me in school.

I immediately did a nearly imperceptible double take and tried to breathe normally when finishing checking out her books. When she was gone, I took a cartful of books to shelve so I wouldn't have to worry quite as much about keeping my composure in front of patrons. My body got really stiff and my head started kind of trembling, which only happens when I'm particularly upset. I thought everything was going to be okay, but the feelings kept building and I was also confused as to why they were so intense, until the very end of my shift, when the library was about to close, there was pretty much no one around, and I was starting to get scared and worry that someone was going to come hurt me for no reason.

On the drive home, I was initially just extra-alert and driving better for it, but the anxiety got so bad that I was driving really fast without noticing it and holding on to the steering wheel so hard like I thought I was going to die if I let go of it. My mother noticed, but I had to lie and say I didn't know why I was driving so weird. I feel like such a wimp. There is nothing that should be making me react like this... the worst thing that happened in our altercations was the time that he threw a French fry in my hair. But I'm still shaking slightly.

And on top of that, I'm still remembering my dream from last night. The significant part was that I was back in high school and in a history class. The history teacher said he'd pick one good student and make them do something particularly hard. I jokingly said to some classmates that I hoped he wouldn't pick me. One student (who was actually mostly a nice guy IRL) said, "Well, he's going to pick one student, not 100, so of course it won't be you. You're too stupid. You're kind of a disgrace." So I called him a dickwad and ran away crying.

fuck

[Nox]

Fuck. :( just... fucking goddammit.
And I know part of why he left me was because he was interested in this other girl, but apparently that didn't work out. Apparently he intends to tell me what happened but hasn't gotten around to it yet. All he said was that she was "manipulative." I think part of what drove him back to me was the resulting contrast.
I don't know. I guess I just wish there was something I could do...


It's a very difficult situation for both of you. He views sex as an important part of a relationship, and although he loved you, his physical "needs" weren't being met. I'd honestly hate to be in your position right now, I can't imagine how bad it feels :(

[MotherCossack]

the older i get....
the clearer i see....

the clearer i see....
the sadder i feel..

the sadder i get...
the older i feel....

the older i feel...
the clearer i am...

the clearer i be...
the more i see...

the more i be...
the faster they flee...

they run from me....
and what i see....


and that is why i am lonely

[Agent Ducky]

It's a very difficult situation for both of you. He views sex as an important part of a relationship, and although he loved you, his physical "needs" weren't being met. I'd honestly hate to be in your position right now, I can't imagine how bad it feels :(

What's fucked up is that I was at a point where I was willing to try shit despite myself. I was. I'm not sure if he fully understands that.
Edit: Oh fuck am I taking relationship advice from Nox? What is my life?

Also, my dad knows exactly how to make me feel like a shitty, worthless person.

[Lanky Wanker]

What's fucked up is that I was at a point where I was willing to try shit despite myself. I was. I'm not sure if he fully understands that.
Edit: Oh fuck am I taking relationship advice from Nox? What is my life?

Also, my dad knows exactly how to make me feel like a shitty, worthless person.

LOLOLOL relationship advice from Nox. If you're interested in giving blowjobs through craigslist then maybe ask Nox though.

On a serious note, I think the fact that you won't be "into it" in the same way that he is would probably put a sort of mental block or a distraction in his mind; I know that it would for me. I can't imagine what it must be like for the both of you though, it is a tough situation.

[Agent Ducky]

LOLOLOL relationship advice from Nox. If you're interested in giving blowjobs through craigslist then maybe ask Nox though.

On a serious note, I think the fact that you won't be "into it" in the same way that he is would probably put a sort of mental block or a distraction in his mind; I know that it would for me. I can't imagine what it must be like for the both of you though, it is a tough situation.

I honestly just wish I could know what the hell he's thinking at this point.