Coming Out: How Did it Go?

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Simple enough question: what is your coming out story? How did it go? Did your loved ones and friends react well or awful? Were you treated any differently afterwards? Have any advice for those who are considering coming out? :)

Find my lengthy story here: Coming Out: The Inner War (http://thequeerproject.wordpress.com/2012/05/22/coming-out-the-inner-war/)

[The Young Pioneer]

At first my parents told me I had no home and I had to ask my friend's parents permission to stay there til I had somewhere else to go (I was 17). I'll never forget my mom standing in my doorway the night I told her, and her saying, directly, "This is not your home. You have no home."

I broke up with the girl I was dating at the time, acted 'straight' or whatever, and things got better between my parents and me. I don't know what it was, I guess over time they just accepted it, realised I was otherwise a 'normal' girl, and blah blah blah.

They still address my gfs as my 'special friend' or 'best friend,' but it's much better than having nowhere to go home to. I'm lucky they got better about it.

My friends were pretty okay...aside from the ones who told me not to hit on them. :( I wanted to be like, "We've been having girly sleepovers together for years and I haven't ever cared to check you out while you were changing your pjs, why would I start now?" :D Oh well.

I'm not a very out person. I don't 'look' like a stereotypical lesbian is 'supposed' to, no one knows until I tell them, and I usually don't tell unless it's pertinent to the situation (guy asks me out, etc.).

I'd love to hear some positive stories, if anyone can share them.

[Zav]

I came out twice to everyone. I used to be gynophobic, and so I suppressed my attraction to women. I thought I was gay, and started coming out as homosexual. My friends were lovely about it. I told my brother, and he used my sexuality as blackmail, so I had to tell my parents, who did the whole "Your not my son!", "I'm not going to have any grandkids!" (forgetting 3 siblings), "You're going to Hell!", "Get out of my house!" thing. They kicked me out, and I went hitching. There's tons of stories, but the most relevant one was meeting a wonderful person on the road who accompanied me across the continent and helped me get over my hatred of women. Thus, I discovered that I was bisexual (I identify as pansexual now). When I got back my parents decided to let me back in. I came out to my friends again, and they were perfectly accepting, and eventually told my family, who had adopted the "I don't want to hear about it." attitude, except for the brother who blackmailed me. He was still ǔber-homophobic, and we don't speak anymore, so I don't know if he still is.

[Neoprime]

I usally don't tell others because it's no one's business that i'm Bi.

[Leftsolidarity]

Well I guess you could say I still haven't completed my coming out.

I came out to friends and am openly Pan-sexual to everyone, just not my family.

My friends had no problems with it. Of course there were some who didn't understand fully or accidently said offensive statements without realizing that they were offensive. None of them thought any less of me, though, and now have become a good support for me.

My family, on the other hand, is extremely religious. The only person who I think would be understanding is my older brother because even though he's very conservative, he isn't bigoted and he argues against my parents with me for gay rights.

My dad/step-mom are very catholic and are very opposed to gay marriage. They say very ignorant and offensive things about the LGBT community all the time. My mom/step-dad are one of those super evangelical types of people who bring religion into every single part of their fucking lives. They even kicked me out for listening to "devil's music", that's why I'm not with them anymore.

So, I'm quite nervous about coming out to them. I think my dad would put on a show of trying to seem kind of accepting but in reality he would treat me completely differently. The others would probably just like me even less than they already do. They would probably tell me I'm going to hell and all that bullshit.

I guess I had the opportunity to come out to my step mom a few weeks ago when I told her I was going to the Pride parades. She laughed and said "But those are for gays! And as far as I know you're not gay are you??" I went, "uhhhh.... well I'm going"

I don't know how to bring it up to them. I'm moving out within a month or so anyways so I don't even know if I should before I go. Might be better to wait. I do feel the urge to want to tell them a lot of times, though, because it's like this burden that I just want to get rid of. Maybe then they would also stop saying so many homophobic things or at least stop expecting me to laugh and join in at every homophobic joke they make.

Any advice?

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Might be better to wait a bit after you move out; ensure that you have some stability and then tell them (via a call or dinner date something).

[ForgedConscience]

Came out as bi about 4/5 years ago now, it went quite smoothly so I suppose I'm lucky. I actually ended up telling my dad first instead of my sister. Both of them are your usual self professed apoliticals* with liberal attitudes so I didn't expect to get a negative reaction. Most of the friends I've had since then have been fine with it too except a few here or there. In general I don't tend to be open about my sexuality unless I am genuinely questioned or I see the opportunity to use it in a witty comeback :cool:

*Of course in reality it's impossible to be apolitical, just apathetic about injustice.

[Rafiq]

Nothing is more sounding to the ears when parents talk of their natural "love" for their children. It just so happens that when their children break from the harmonious illusionary structure they set forth, their children all of a sudden become strangers, external from the family structure. Is this not worth pondering upon?

It is they who claim that external forces are "corrupting" their children, as if the Bourgeois family structure itself is untouched from the forces of capital, isolated, and individualist. When a child breaks from the social norms, whether they be ideological, or, in this case sexual, a lot of the times the parents rid themselves of the children. The Bourgeois family structure is "Untouched" from external forces, it just so happens that when a child would be so keen in breaking the social norms of external forces, it becomes of issue.

[Hermes]

I've only come out to my two closest friends, and my mother. It went well with both, I told my mother after waking up one day, and told my friends at a sleepover.

We never really talk about it.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

Here is my stance on "coming out," or the confession of my sexuality to others; I think ultimately it's nonsense. Ultimately I don't feel the need to validate my sexuality or my love of the same sex to anyone, I don't. With this being said, am I "in the closet"? No, I am not, all of my friends know, people whom I normally interact with know but I feel know need to shout from the hill tops, I am a homosexual, I love men, deal with it. Have I told my parents? No, have I told the rest of my family? No, the majority of them, aside from a select few have very backwards views regarding homosexuality and I see no real need to cause them unnecessary emotional distress due to a strictly private matter; to me this would be aking to saying, I find fruits to be disgusting, I don't eat them, I prefer vegetables (which is true). I wouldn't even tell a random stranger this because it's none of their business, it's irrelevant. What me and my boyfriend have, what we share, our emotions and our sex life is between us and (assuming there is one) God, no one else. This however is irrespective of politics and just how I have come to view such things; if I have said something stupid or politically incorrect, so be it.

[Leftsolidarity]

Here is my stance on "coming out," or the confession of my sexuality to others; I think ultimately it's nonsense. Ultimately I don't feel the need to validate my sexuality or my love of the same sex to anyone, I don't. With this being said, am I "in the closet"? No, I am not, all of my friends know, people whom I normally interact with know but I feel know need to shout from the hill tops, I am a homosexual, I love men, deal with it. Have I told my parents? No, have I told the rest of my family? No, the majority of them, aside from a select few have very backwards views regarding homosexuality and I see no real need to cause them unnecessary emotional distress due to a strictly private matter; to me this would be aking to saying, I find fruits to be disgusting, I don't eat them, I prefer vegetables (which is true). I wouldn't even tell a random stranger this because it's none of their business, it's irrelevant. What me and my boyfriend have, what we share, our emotions and our sex life is between us and (assuming there is one) God, no one else. This however is irrespective of politics and just how I have come to view such things; if I have said something stupid or politically incorrect, so be it.

I don't think coming out of the closet is really a way to "shout it from the hilltops" or make it anyone else's business. In our heteronormal society, it is expected and assumed that one is heterosexual. This leads to people not knowing the true you, people making false assumptions, and makes it so that one is almost lying about their sexuality if one doesn't come out of the closet.

It's as if we have to "opt-out" of heterosexualism to other people. I want my friends and family to know who I really am and to not have this feeling that I hide from them. I think that is why most people come out of the closet.

If what you do makes you happy, then I'm glad for you. I just wanted to say why, atleast I, choose to want to come out.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

I don't think coming out of the closet is really a way to "shout it from the hilltops" or make it anyone else's business. In our heteronormal society, it is expected and assumed that one is heterosexual. This leads to people not knowing the true you, people making false assumptions, and makes it so that one is almost lying about their sexuality if one doesn't come out of the closet.

I can understand the logic in this however perhaps I hold a more cynical view, the people who know the "real," me are those whom ought to and deserve to know the "real," me just as with anything related to my personality. The people whom know I'm homosexual are those whom have some relevance to my life, whom I communicate regularly with, interact with and so on. Which is why I haven't felt the need to tell my family, for this very reason. I love my family, don't get me wrong however there aren't close to me as some others are in that regard regardless of if there is some shared genetics and or memories.

Would I prefer if everyone knew? Sure, I can't see any reason why not but ultimately it has no relevance to me whether they do or not. In an ideal world, that would be awesome if I could share my happiness with others whom have some sort of relation to me whether close or otherwise or genetic or otherwise but unfortunately I do not live in such a world.

[Metacomet]

My parents were like "okay" :)


No big deal around here

[Metacomet]

My parents were like "okay" :)


No big deal around here


And to add onto that. My sister said "I thought so" :D

[Leftsolidarity]

And to add onto that. My sister said "I thought so" :D

Lol when my ex said that to me it actually made me mad. It didn't bother you?

[Metacomet]

Lol when my ex said that to me it actually made me mad. It didn't bother you?

Nah, it was more of a joke then anything. Coming from her it didn't bother me.

[El Oso Rojo]

I usally don't tell others because it's no one's business that i'm Bi.

Are you a Bi-Bear? :) why do i get the feeling i know you on findfred?

[Emma the Second]

I came out to my religious African American mother (my father left us when I was 5) when I was 17, because she had already seen me kissing my girlfriend in my room when I invited her over afterschool because I thought my mother would come home late from work. I told her to her face in the kitchen while she was cooking something and she slapped me pretty hard. I ran out the house crying while she screamed, "Get out, you *****! Maybe some hard living will teach you to become a woman!" That did not even make any sense (aren't women supposed to be soft?), but ok. So, I stayed at one of my male friend's house and broke up with my girlfriend that same week. I told my friends (which were mostly from church) that I left my mom's house because I was lesbian. They told me that I needed to "get help" and one of them even told me that I am going to hell. So, I lost my mother, my girlfriend, and 99% of my friends. I went out with the boy I was staying with for about 2 weeks, but it obviously did not work out. He already knew that I was lesbian and I already knew that I did not really love him. Three weeks after I left the house (I had turned 18 by then), my mother called me for the first time since she kicked me out. I was so ashamed and mad at myself that I ran out the house crying that night that I just picked up the phone, took a deep breath, waited until she said hello, and told her, "You *****, do not call me ever again." She said "wait," but before she could say anything else, I had already hung up. I stayed with my male friend for about 2 months until I finally went off to Rowan University. I called my mother eventually to apologize for that phone call and we met up in a coffee shop. There, we made up and now things are going pretty smooth. The only problem is that she does not really like my partner, but I guess that is ok compared to what was going on between us earlier. :)

[El Oso Rojo]

I am came out to my mom,sister,uncle,aunt, cousin. My cousin is accepting but he thinks i just fuck up my life for being a red gay. My aunt thinks i am angry with women. I am not. People never would have though i was gay, that what they said when i told them.

[Zav]

People never would have though i was gay, that what they said when i told them.
Blasted stereotypes. Bear pride for the win!

[El Oso Rojo]

I came out to my religious African American mother (my father left us when I was 5) when I was 17, because she had already seen me kissing my girlfriend in my room when I invited her over afterschool because I thought my mother would come home late from work. I told her to her face in the kitchen while she was cooking something and she slapped me pretty hard. I ran out the house crying while she screamed, "Get out, you *****! Maybe some hard living will teach you to become a woman!" That did not even make any sense (aren't women supposed to be soft?), but ok. So, I stayed at one of my male friend's house and broke up with my girlfriend that same week. I told my friends (which were mostly from church) that I left my mom's house because I was lesbian. They told me that I needed to "get help" and one of them even told me that I am going to hell. So, I lost my mother, my girlfriend, and 99% of my friends. I went out with the boy I was staying with for about 2 weeks, but it obviously did not work out. He already knew that I was lesbian and I already knew that I did not really love him. Three weeks after I left the house (I had turned 18 by then), my mother called me for the first time since she kicked me out. I was so ashamed and mad at myself that I ran out the house crying that night that I just picked up the phone, took a deep breath, waited until she said hello, and told her, "You *****, do not call me ever again." She said "wait," but before she could say anything else, I had already hung up. I stayed with my male friend for about 2 months until I finally went off to Rowan University. I called my mother eventually to apologize for that phone call and we met up in a coffee shop. There, we made up and now things are going pretty smooth. The only problem is that she does not really like my partner, but I guess that is ok compared to what was going on between us earlier. :)

I know how you feel, when my dad finds out.....

[Valdyr]

I am in the process of a kind of two-stage coming out. I first came out to my friends, family etc. as generic gay, which was pretty straightforward. My friends were all great, it was "no big deal" to them. My parents are kind of...weird about it. They are outwardly accepting, and certainly aren't going to get in the way, but they are cold about it. Part of me knows they'd prefer I be straight, but whatever, no big deal.

My "second stage" is in progress, and is a little more interesting. I decided that "gay" was simply not an adequate description of my sexuality, and I've come to identify as radical queer. I like both sexes sometimes, but I don't think bisexual or pansexual is quite right either, so I just call myself queer. This has been a little more difficult to get across to people, not because they aren't accepting, but because they don't understand. Still, it's going quite well all things considered. I still have a lot of negative feelings about myself and bad moments from all the reactionary anti-sexual-liberation stuff, and it wears me down emotionally, but I'm surviving.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I just kind of decided to spit it out randomly (but every time I try to tell someone something difficult, I manage to tell them I have something I need to tell them, then I start stuttering and blushing until I can finally get it out.) When I came out as bi to my mother, she was okay with it. I never told my father, but she eventually outed me to him for whatever reason (not that I really hid it or anything.) [And I'm maybe actually pansexual, but I don't care too much about that label.

When I was working out the gender piece of things, I had two times of coming out. First, I just said I didn't feel like a girl. I said that to my sister and she didn't really care. I said that to my mom and she was confused. For a while, I thought I was genderqueer or something, but it turned out I was just using that to protect myself from the realization that I am a transman. In my few months genderqueer phase, in which my identity kept moving more and more towards the masculine, to transmasculine, I would always say, "At least I'm not FtM."

So when I told my mother I was in fact FtM she was angry at me. She said she thought I wasn't thinking things through and was letting people tell me how to identify. (Which is weird... because no one has ever thought I was transgender, but everyone always thinks I'm a lesbian, which, perhaps, she would prefer me to be.) She then outed me to various people because she "needed to talk to them about it". My father: who constantly makes fun of me for my male identification and tells me I look fat and ugly when I present that way and is just argumentative as hell about everything, my lesbian neighbor: who is mostly nice about it but I am told said of me: "She's no Chaz Bono" (who ever said I wanted to be him?) she usually uses my right name and pronouns as does her partner but she thinks I'm just scared to acknowledge I'm a lesbian (which also makes no sense, considering I'd much rather come out as a lesbian than trans), and my therapist: who just plain won't believe it and thinks, as many do, that I think I can't be a girl because I don't like makeup, shopping, dressing girly, and shit like that.

I haven't officially come out to most of my friends about things, but I say I am interested in men and women on my Facebook profile, I have a link to some of my blogs where I discuss my gender openly, and I recently changed my facebook profile so it says male, but no one really seems to notice much.

So, it's kind of still happening, and horribly.

[Neoprime]

Are you a Bi-Bear? :) why do i get the feeling i know you on findfred?

Not me, I don't even know what Findfred is?

[Anarchrusty]

I've known I was bi sexual since about age 14. I knew this as I was having fantasies about both women and men, and by the time I was 18 I was secretly experimenting with male to male erotic encounters.
I never was confused to whether I was gay, as I had been with many girls and had been in a couple of relationships, and in love. But I was also sexually atracted to guys, and that was just that: sex. No one had to know.
That was untill I met X, who is of the same gender as I. At first we just hooked up a lot, but it gradually developped into something more. We fell in love. We actually got romantically involved, so with a serious relationship at hand there was no more hiding it and I decided to tell family and friends I was bi.

Guess what? I had expected a lot of negativity, especially from my father and some particular friends. But none of it. Save one, they were all very open to it. Even my dad.
I have to say it felt good coming clean about it, and it actually increased my overall happiness.
I am sad for the people that got rejected for it, and my heart is with you.

Off topic: I had to google pansexuality as I never heard of it. I think I could be attracted to a transexual person, but probably more erotic than romantic. Dunno, guess I'd have to experience it to really know. I would be open to it, though.