Pour Your Heart Out IX

[praxis1966]

Reprint of the last post from the previous thread in case anyone needs to know where we were:


I just spent 1 hour arguing with a "race realist" over skype. Damn, I need a life.

[Leftsolidarity]

YES! I love new threads! :D:D

[Susurrus]

At last.

[NewLeft]

My embarrassing post is forever on the first post. :laugh:

[TheGodlessUtopian]

So,I jut arrived at the store I leech internet off of and while I was waiting to talk with my brother I was standing by the cash register. While he was cashing out the customer the guy noticed my occupy button which brought him to my soviet hat.He said both were cool and that he was kicked out of,I think,the VUW (or something like that) "...for being a communist but I was actually a socialist." :D

Nest time I see him I will have to strike up some more conversation and see if he can't get on Rev-Left or would like to talk at length.

[Quail]

Alcohol really is not good for my stomach. Earlier I had such bad stomachache I just curled up in a ball on the street and had to call a taxi home :( It's starting to hurt that much again now and I can't even stand up straight because it hurts so much.

[Comrade Auldnik]

I hate the feeling of nostalgia. I was playing Ocarina of Time (because it's a damn solid game), but I couldn't continue. I feel like the time for the game has passed . . . I mean, who am I going to chat up about Jabu-Jabu? Who's going to care if I whistle Saria's Song? There's nothing social left for me to enjoy about old video games. And all the games my friends and colleagues are playing are those war-normalizing propaganda games. And I hate first-person shooters.

[superborys]

My grandfather's in the hospital right now, and probably won't survive, and he's basically my father. My parents split up when I was 2 or 3 and my mom had terrible, abusive boyfriends, none of which were remotely fatherly. At 8 or 9 I decided to move in with my grandparents and for the last 9, close to 10 years he's been my father figure.
He had a diabetic attack Monday, and went into the ER. Was admitted, and had a heart attack while there. Got two stints put in, and contracted pneumonia. He has COPD, emphysema, and RA, and his lungs are failing. He's currently on a ventilator and we have two days to observe him before we can decide or not to let him go.

It's so fucking hard, and no one in my life is here when I need them most. My best friend is occupied by his girlfriend and can't get away from her, and my girlfriend is occupied by her controlling mom and the rest of her friends. I have no one to turn to and I just need it all to end.

[GoddessCleoLover]

I am very sorry about your grandfather, Superborys.

[Comrade Auldnik]

I'm getting a little sick of people who shout "troll!" when you express an opinion that differs from theirs.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I need to stop being so restless. Every time I read about something happening somewhere else (like what's happening in Greece) while I'm not doing anything at all, it just makes me want to go smash shit or something. I'm so fucking BORED and frustrated.

[Pretty Flaco]

I need to stop being so restless. Every time I read about something happening somewhere else (like what's happening in Greece) while I'm not doing anything at all, it just makes me want to go smash shit or something. I'm so fucking BORED and frustrated.

i think frustration is something a lot of people in the U.S. can relate to.

[ed miliband]

a lot of people everywhere

boredom and frustration

[Искра]

I'm so fucking bored.
And I'm in love... :blushing:
That's bad.
I wanna cut myself with a knife.

Somos malditos… Somos suicidas…
Luchamos por causas perdidas.

[Susurrus]

I'm so fucking bored.
And I'm in love... :blushing:
That's bad.
I wanna cut myself with a knife.

Somos malditos… Somos suicidas…
Luchamos por causas perdidas.

Don't commit suicide please. Don't cut yourself either, that's just pointless and foolish. Don't know spanish that well, but if that last line does actually say "We struggle for miserable causes," then know that everyone feels that what they do is useless at some point. What defines us is that we carry on doing it anyway, because it's what we should do. Also, don't forget to take a break to relax or have an adventure every now and again.

[gorillafuck]

I don't wanna kill myself but I kinda wish I would die.

[NewLeft]

I just digitalized 5 books in an hour. A book per 10 minute. I wont bother rebinding the books, screw that. OCR'd and ready for sharing.

[thriller]

I hate the feeling of nostalgia. I was playing Ocarina of Time (because it's a damn solid game), but I couldn't continue. I feel like the time for the game has passed . . . I mean, who am I going to chat up about Jabu-Jabu? Who's going to care if I whistle Saria's Song? There's nothing social left for me to enjoy about old video games. And all the games my friends and colleagues are playing are those war-normalizing propaganda games. And I hate first-person shooters.

What the fuck are you talking about?!?! I was just playing the Shadow Temple and about to throw my controller at the screen cuz Bongo Bongo is just the nastiest POS. Cool people still play the classics, trendsters play MW3. Have you played Majora's Mask or the Oracle games? Btw fuck nostalgia, I hate it as well.

[thriller]

I don't wanna kill myself but I kinda wish I would die.

I get that feeling sometimes too. And you will die, one day. That always seems to put things in perspective for me. Soon you'll be dead, you have little time left to live, so get going.

[Искра]

Don't commit suicide please. Don't cut yourself either, that's just pointless and foolish. Don't know spanish that well, but if that last line does actually say "We struggle for miserable causes," then know that everyone feels that what they do is useless at some point. What defines us is that we carry on doing it anyway, because it's what we should do. Also, don't forget to take a break to relax or have an adventure every now and again.
I wont kill myself. I just like to cut myself. Once I sticked whole pencil in my leg... had 1.5cm hole....

Right now I have only two problems in my life:
1) I'm bored... I don't know what to do, because I got fired, kicked of uni etc. So I need to find some kind of work to do something besides reaading Marx.
2) I'm in love and I don't know what to do, because I don't feel in the mood for all that "when a man need to aproach a woman" shit...

[ellipsis]

We are damnd, we are suicidal

We struggle for lost causes

Is a more accurate translation for that Spanish.

[Искра]

We are damnd, we are suicidal

We struggle for lost causes.
QvM2nr4R1ls

[ellipsis]

Or maybe "we are the damned ones, we are the suicidal ones"

[Landsharks eat metal]

I've had it with this goddamn anxiety. I was having a great day and then we started talking about anxiety disorders in my psychology class, which reminded me how terrifying it is that other people exist and I had to use all of my energy to prevent myself from hiding under a table or running out the door. Wouldn't matter either way. People would be looking at me no matter what.

[NewLeft]

I've had it with this goddamn anxiety. I was having a great day and then we started talking about anxiety disorders in my psychology class, which reminded me how terrifying it is that other people exist and I had to use all of my energy to prevent myself from hiding under a table or running out the door. Wouldn't matter either way. People would be looking at me no matter what.

I hate anxiety too. I was on the verge of collapsing when I was presenting last week. I was all shaky and people actually paid attention to me, probably because I was shaky. My teacher failed me for that presentation cause she said I was too nervous.. I'm devastated. :unsure:

[Quail]

Anxiety is horrible. When I start panicking my arms and face go numb and my chest hurts, and then I start freaking out about those symptoms because they make me think I'm dying and it all goes round in this horrible vicious circle.

[Ostrinski]

I had an anxiety attack last night myself.

[Lobotomy]

I hate anxiety too. I was on the verge of collapsing when I was presenting last week. I was all shaky and people actually paid attention to me, probably because I was shaky. My teacher failed me for that presentation cause she said I was too nervous.. I'm devastated. :unsure:

She failed you just because you were nervous? sounds like a shitty teacher.

[NewLeft]

She failed you just because you were nervous? sounds like a shitty teacher.

It was a world issues class, I picked the topic of the death penalty.. I talked about lots of things and for the most part she didn't mind, but when I mentioned prison abolishment as a possibility, she interjected and told me that she thought it was ridiculous. She gave me back the rubric with a comment saying I needed to be more serious. So I got 4/10 (fucking hate social sciences/humanities for this reason... I am only taking this course because I need the credit). Not going to bother disputing with her, but I love how she's always encouraging us to be more free spirited and open minded.. Whatever that means. She's just the hippie type... Talks about peace 24/7.


I had an anxiety attack last night myself.

What happened?

[Искра]

I had anxiety attack 2 times but I manadge to stop them. First time I stabed myself with fork and second time with pencil... pain made it go away... I don't recomend that to you people.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I had anxiety attack 2 times but I manadge to stop them. First time I stabed myself with fork and second time with pencil... pain made it go away... I don't recomend that to you people.

Makes it go away, but then it comes back every time I see the marks it leaves.

[Искра]

So you tried to stab yourself? That isn't verry clever :D

[Landsharks eat metal]

So you tried to stab yourself? That isn't verry clever :D

Not this time.:D In the fall, I did it a lot. It was really stupid and contributed to me ending up in the hospital. (And I honestly just need to shut the fuck up about the hospital)

[Искра]

I was once pissed on something and I almost made harakiri with nail scissors... Which is a reason why I can't drive a car or own a gun. But... my new doctor is really nice and she said that they should leave me alone, because I believe that it's ok to punish myself physicaly for failures in life, which isn't really a problem, cause she understands that I won't kill myself cause I'm to fucking gorgeous!

[Buitraker]

QvM2nr4R1ls
Try with Eskorbut
They are the punk, dead too!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eskorbuto

Bw8DOW2XL44

Lyric

Lost hope, lost illusion
problems continue, finding no solution
Our lives are consumed, the brain is destroyed
our bodies fall exhausted, like a curse
The past is past and there is nothing to do
the present is a failure and the future not seen
Lying rules, which make a sensation
the truth is boring, fucking frustration
I´d rather die like a coward
than live like a coward
Our lives are consumed, the brain destroyed
rendered our bodies fall, like a curse
The habit causing terror, fear of dying
Already dead, now you are dead
you´re dead, you´re dead
now you are dead, dead, dead, dead, dead
Brains destroyed!

[Искра]

I have Eskorbuto's T-Shirt... I made it with pencil! :)

[Buitraker]

I have Eskorbuto's T-Shirt... I made it with pencil! :)
You know MCD? I shit in god(typical phrase of my homeland :cool:)

-dUcYXR5T1A

[Искра]

I know all shit. my favorites are IV Reich and Ultimo Resorte :)

[Buitraker]

I know all shit. my favorites are IV Reich and Ultimo Resorte :)
Holy shit, you are fucking awesome!

My favorites Zer bizio? (What vice?)

4 days no, in this four walls, without leaving here
Our bodies bruised, in our face reflects the exhaustion
Now remember your past life, its not the same
You cant hide, you are burdened
you want to go
you want to go
you try to go

fHnRyndUn3U

[Искра]

I've made an intervirew with Pilar from IV Reich and she gave LP and 2xEP as present, for being crazy fan who knows every shit about band... Also L'Odi Social is great band.. but we made such a big offtopic :D let's write on walls better haha

[Landsharks eat metal]

I can't write this essay. I have to lie and bullshit the whole thing. I hate lying.

And I'm so insecure that whenever I post something and no one responds after a minute, I just think no one likes me and they all think I’m stupid and am annoying. I just need to shut the fuck up and can barely stop myself from trying to knock myself out. And then I realize I seem like the biggest attention seeker in the world and start to hate myself.

[Agent Ducky]

I can't write this essay. I have to lie and bullshit the whole thing. I hate lying.

And I'm so insecure that whenever I post something and no one responds after a minute, I just think no one likes me and they all think I’m stupid and am annoying. I just need to shut the fuck up and can barely stop myself from trying to knock myself out. And then I realize I seem like the biggest attention seeker in the world and start to hate myself.

Don't think like that! You're very well-loved here on Revleft :) I think it's honestly just an instinct that the Internet has programmed into people (we want instant responses, now now now) I know when I post my art online I'll refresh the page every 30 seconds for 10 minutes being like OH GOD MY ART MUST SUCK NOBODY IS COMMENTING... But deep down I know my art really doesn't suck, it's just an odd habit I have.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Don't think like that! You're very well-loved here on Revleft :) I think it's honestly just an instinct that the Internet has programmed into people (we want instant responses, now now now) I know when I post my art online I'll refresh the page every 30 seconds for 10 minutes being like OH GOD MY ART MUST SUCK NOBODY IS COMMENTING... But deep down I know my art really doesn't suck, it's just an odd habit I have.

:D<--- My face when I read your post. Thanks.
I’m just incredibly frustrated right now.

[Susurrus]

I can't write this essay. I have to lie and bullshit the whole thing. I hate lying.

And I'm so insecure that whenever I post something and no one responds after a minute, I just think no one likes me and they all think I’m stupid and am annoying. I just need to shut the fuck up and can barely stop myself from trying to knock myself out. And then I realize I seem like the biggest attention seeker in the world and start to hate myself.

The trick is to say things that are technically true, vague, or not disprovable.

Yeah, that happens to me occasionally too.

[Искра]

I hate you all...

JatK7XKAKN8

[Pretty Flaco]

I feel like my life doesn't got much meaning to it right now. Part of the reason is because I don't feel at home where I live.

[Leftsolidarity]

So tomorrow is Valentine's Day and my girlfriend's 18th birthday. Then like 2 days later is our 1 month (I know only a 1 month so it's not a big deal but all 3 of these are at the same time).

I haven't gotten my girlfriend anything, have no idea what I would get her, and reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do not feel like dropping the cash for something. I do want to be a nice boyfriend though and give her something. I'm just terrible at this whole gift thing; I hate getting them and I rarely give them.

That isn't all that big of a deal though. What is, is that her very recent ex boyfriend whom she was cheating on for me, just bought her an awesome present. He bought her a certain vegetable that they are going to eat together. She's super stoked on it.

Now I'm just like, "fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk" cuz not only do I look like a shitty boyfriend for not getting her something cool (nothing at all actually) but this guy looks great and makes me look even shittier.

Revleft: WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!? :crying:

[Agent Ducky]

:D<--- My face when I read your post. Thanks.
I’m just incredibly frustrated right now.

I'm glad I brightened your moment a little bit :D . It's always a good feeling when I know I've made others happy.

[Pretty Flaco]

whom she was cheating on for me

you've only gone out for a month and she's already cheated on you? hold up right there, i'm sorry but she's not a keeper.

[Leftsolidarity]

you've only gone out for a month and she's already cheated on you? hold up right there, i'm sorry but she's not a keeper.

No, she cheated on that dude. She was getting with me while dating him.

[Aloysius]

I've been questioning myself a lot recently. Normal teenage things, though. Like "where'd my faith go?" and "do I really want to jerk off right now?"

I don't know. I guess it's just hard to figure things out at 16.

[gorillafuck]

He bought her a certain vegetable that they are going to eat together. She's super stoked on it.what?

[GoddessCleoLover]

i had the same reaction as did Zeekloid.

[Pretty Flaco]

No, she cheated on that dude. She was getting with me while dating him.

OH! sorry i misunderstood. If she feels like she has to choose between you and him you've really got to step up your game then. Make her birthday a great one. Most girls really like sentimental gifts, so don't give her no money or nothing. ;)

Get her something related to what she likes. Even if she doesn't necessarily like the present, she'll appreciate the effort.

[gorillafuck]

get her some carrots or lettuce

[Pretty Flaco]

get her a vibrator shaped like a carrot. that was probably the vegetable they were gonna be sharing anyways.

[Susurrus]

A picnic is a fairly easy, low cost thing that can be quite effective and memorable.

[Leftsolidarity]

what?

Let your imagination wander.

I'm trying to think of something that's cool but all she likes is drugs, art, and sex. All I can give her that is better than anything she can get herself is sex. lmao

I was thinking like maybe just a god damn flower but no. I will not be one of those people. Back to the drawing board.


Btw, I do like the carrot vibrator idea.



A picnic is a fairly easy, low cost thing that can be quite effective and memorable.

Dude, it's snowing outside. hahaha

[NewLeft]

Vibrator: Might scare her off.. Okay, it might not if she's into that.

[NewLeft]

LOVE! I love everything that moves!! I'm full of love!!! (euphoria)
I love everyone! Agent Ducky, Susurrus, Gramsci Guy, Hipster Jesus, Kontrrazvedka/resident troll, zeekloid, Dickin' Around, Leftsolidarity, Landsharks eat metal and YOU. :D

[Susurrus]

Dude, it's snowing outside. hahaha

Oh yeah, Floridian here. :bored:

[Ele'ill]

being bi-polar, it's really hard to workout consistently - I do have frozen blueberries though so I'm doing ok

[roy]

i can't wait to get out of this town next year. i have no meaningful friendships after living here for the past 14 years. that may very well be me, though. i'll find out.

[Agent Ducky]

LOVE! I love everything that moves!! I'm full of love!!! (euphoria)
I love everyone! Agent Ducky, Susurrus, Gramsci Guy, Hipster Jesus, Kontrrazvedka/resident troll, zeekloid, Dickin' Around, Leftsolidarity, Landsharks eat metal and YOU. :D

I was mentioned FIRST. I AM SPECIAL. :lol:

[A Revolutionary Tool]

I have this new manager at McDonald's and he ruins my day every single day that we're both working. I heard two other managers discussing(before he got here) that we were going to have this new manager temporarily so that he could get a hold on how to be the store manager(like the most powerful manager in the store) at another McDonald's that was going to be opening up. But now I'm hearing he will be replacing our store manager permanently. This makes me super depressed and I really don't know if I could handle it if he stayed there.

Life at McDonald's wasn't great before he got there of course, but it seemed like all the crew members/maintenance members and the management had this type of mutual respect for each other, it was alright. But ever since he got there the whole entire thing has been turned upside down. He pressures all of the managers to be super strict assholes to us. He won't even let them work with us, he told one of the managers helping me out during a really huge lunch rush that managers weren't supposed to be working, they were supposed to be managing which fucked everything up. Everybody hates the guy, I don't know a single person that doesn't despise him, even the managers talk huge amount of shit about him after he leaves.

But it's like he literally tries to make your day as miserable as possible. I got off of my break today and headed back to the sink to wash my hands. I saw one of my coworkers just get in so I asked her how she was doing. She said "I hate my life, I can't wait for that motherfucker to go". I laughed and then I was sitting there smiling because I was happy that she hated him as much as I do when he comes up to me and says "what's wrong?" I'm like :confused:
"What do you mean what's wrong?"
"Why are you smiling? Hurry up and get back on the grill".
Like wtf, I can't even fucking smile? Then while I'm back on the grill talking to the guy making the sandwiches I laugh because he said something funny. Then I hear from the front "Why are you guy's laughing, do we pay you to laugh?" :cursing:

Wtf, I wish he would just die. But this is pissing off everybody here so I'm thinking maybe a little agitation is in order. A lot of people have already called corporate telling them how disrespectful and all-around shitty he is and once corporate doesn't do shit about it...

[Landsharks eat metal]

Last night I almost left home at 11:00 p.m. without telling anyone where I was going. I was planning on just leaving a note that said "I am okay" and nothing more. I had $64 in my pocket, some personal identification, a jacket, sweatshirt, hat, and gloves. I had no idea where I was going to go or how I was going to get there since it's too far to walk anywhere, but I was going to make it work. Maybe sleep on the streets or something. (In all honesty, someone would have ended up finding me... that's always what happens when I try to run away, but I've never been this prepared before.)

The only thing that stopped me was my pet rat. I couldn't just leave her like that.

[Искра]

LOVE! I love everything that moves!! I'm full of love!!! (euphoria)
I love everyone! Agent Ducky, Susurrus, Gramsci Guy, Hipster Jesus, Kontrrazvedka/resident troll, zeekloid, Dickin' Around, Leftsolidarity, Landsharks eat metal and YOU. :D
Why m I a troll? :confused:

[thriller]

When ever I hear 'Time Turned Fragile' by Motion City Soundtrack it reminds me of summer of 06 and hanging with my friends all day and partying all night. Fuck adulthood.

[Crux]

I built a cat out of snow.

[Zukunftsmusik]

I hate anxiety too. I was on the verge of collapsing when I was presenting last week. I was all shaky and people actually paid attention to me, probably because I was shaky. My teacher failed me for that presentation cause she said I was too nervous.. I'm devastated. :unsure:

My girlfriend pretty much feels like this when having presentations in class. I never know how to help her or make her feel better, and it makes me feel fucking useless and... insufficient.


She failed you just because you were nervous? sounds like a shitty teacher.

From my experiences it's actually quite normal that teachers fail you because of this.

------------------

Goddamnit, Revleft always ruins my homework

[NewLeft]

Its snowing..

[NewLeft]

My girlfriend pretty much feels like this when having presentations in class. I never know how to help her or make her feel better, and it makes me feel fucking useless and... insufficient.

It comes and goes. I presented the other day without a problem.

[Zukunftsmusik]

It comes and goes. I presented the other day without a problem.

She has that problem whenever she speaks in front of class. Or in front of people she doesn't know, for that matter. I mean, I can get how she feels to a certain extent. I don't like talking to strangers, or to relatively close "friends", for that matter. She just has more serious trouble with this than me, and I feel like I never can help her in any way.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Tomorrow, assuming I have my home internet connection hooked up by than, will be the day I return, or able to return, to a forum which I have been suspended from for three months.I am wondering whether I should go back or leave those assholes in the dark....

[Leftsolidarity]

Tomorrow, assuming I have my home internet connection hooked up by than, will be the day I return, or able to return, to a forum which I have been suspended from for three months.I am wondering whether I should go back or leave those assholes in the dark....

Leave them in the dark. Fuck em.

[Pretty Flaco]

Oh yeah, Floridian here. :bored:

I lived most my life in Florida and moved to the midwest recently. You're not missing as much as you might think. Snow/ice/slush fucking suck. :glare:

[Decolonize The Left]

I have this new manager at McDonald's and he ruins my day every single day that we're both working. I heard two other managers discussing(before he got here) that we were going to have this new manager temporarily so that he could get a hold on how to be the store manager(like the most powerful manager in the store) at another McDonald's that was going to be opening up. But now I'm hearing he will be replacing our store manager permanently. This makes me super depressed and I really don't know if I could handle it if he stayed there.

Life at McDonald's wasn't great before he got there of course, but it seemed like all the crew members/maintenance members and the management had this type of mutual respect for each other, it was alright. But ever since he got there the whole entire thing has been turned upside down. He pressures all of the managers to be super strict assholes to us. He won't even let them work with us, he told one of the managers helping me out during a really huge lunch rush that managers weren't supposed to be working, they were supposed to be managing which fucked everything up. Everybody hates the guy, I don't know a single person that doesn't despise him, even the managers talk huge amount of shit about him after he leaves.

But it's like he literally tries to make your day as miserable as possible. I got off of my break today and headed back to the sink to wash my hands. I saw one of my coworkers just get in so I asked her how she was doing. She said "I hate my life, I can't wait for that motherfucker to go". I laughed and then I was sitting there smiling because I was happy that she hated him as much as I do when he comes up to me and says "what's wrong?" I'm like :confused:
"What do you mean what's wrong?"
"Why are you smiling? Hurry up and get back on the grill".
Like wtf, I can't even fucking smile? Then while I'm back on the grill talking to the guy making the sandwiches I laugh because he said something funny. Then I hear from the front "Why are you guy's laughing, do we pay you to laugh?" :cursing:

Wtf, I wish he would just die. But this is pissing off everybody here so I'm thinking maybe a little agitation is in order. A lot of people have already called corporate telling them how disrespectful and all-around shitty he is and once corporate doesn't do shit about it...

Take is easy. If this is your only job you don't want to jeopardize your only form of financial safety. So report his ass to corporate but don't go getting yourself fired.

As for this douchebag, don't let him get to you. He's a manager at McDonald's, he's not hot shit. He's just some douche who's playing big boss man and trying to put you down. Fuck him. Here's what I would have done:
I asked the co-worker how's it going, she says she hates the dude.
He comes up: "What wrong?"
Me: "Nothing. Does something look wrong with me to you?"
Him: "Why are you smiling? Get back on the grill."
Me: "It's none of your business why I'm smiling. And I am going back to the grill but I have to wash my hands first as this is regulation. May I finish complying with the rules?"
Him: "Yeah whatever."

Then we're laughing at the grill.
He says: "Why are you laughing? Do we pay you to laugh?"
Me: "Are you telling me I'm not allowed to laugh on shift?"
Him: "No... I'm saying I want you to work."
Me: "Laughing in no way impedes my ability to perform my job. If anything it aids in my productivity. Are you upset with my increased productivity?"
Him: "Uh... no."

Then I report his ass immediately. Now he not only is being a douche, but he's limiting my ability to do my job adequately. I report all of this to his boss. I tell his boss that his nagging asshole attitude makes me less effective and productive. You want to make him sound like he's bringing the business down - not just hurting some expendable employee's feelings.

- August

[Decolonize The Left]

Last night I almost left home at 11:00 p.m. without telling anyone where I was going. I was planning on just leaving a note that said "I am okay" and nothing more. I had $64 in my pocket, some personal identification, a jacket, sweatshirt, hat, and gloves. I had no idea where I was going to go or how I was going to get there since it's too far to walk anywhere, but I was going to make it work. Maybe sleep on the streets or something. (In all honesty, someone would have ended up finding me... that's always what happens when I try to run away, but I've never been this prepared before.)

The only thing that stopped me was my pet rat. I couldn't just leave her like that.

Obviously it is your choice if you want to run away from home, but if that really is your plan then you should probably save up more than that and make a plan. At the very least you'll need a sleeping bag, a tarp, a bag for your stuff, toiletries, change of clothes, and more cash than sixty-four bucks.

You said you've run away before, how long do you have to stay where you're at?

- August

[gorillafuck]

I feel like I might actually throw up from the way I feel now.

I want to die so badly.

[Quail]

Is there anyone you can talk to? Call or text? Sometimes the distraction takes my mind off things. You could also try writing down your feelings. On paper, on a computer. Try to get it "out of your head" (I don't know if that makes much sense, but writing stuff down kind of feels a bit like opening up my head and pouring some of the feeling out). A walk outside might help too.

[gorillafuck]

I have a girl I talk to but I limit that because I do not want to be too bothersome. my emotions are not other peoples fault they are my own.

[Ele'ill]

they are my own.

Not entirely, no.

[Quail]

Good friends won't think that you're being bothersome, although I do know that feeling well. But if someone talks to me about something, I just want to be there for them, listen to them and do whatever I can to help. My friends would do and have done the same for me, so it's irrational to feel like a burden on them.

[gorillafuck]

Not entirely, no.yes. I have had an incredibly easy life by comparison to most people. my emotional issues are my fault.

[Quail]

Just because someone else has it worse, doesn't mean that you aren't deserving of support.

[NewLeft]

I feel like my family could collapse financially any moment and that I should be ready to start supporting them. I've tried looking for jobs, but haven't had too much luck.

I want to go out.. That's something I haven't done in ages.

[Ele'ill]

yes. I have had an incredibly easy life by comparison to most people. my emotional issues are my fault.


And there are people who have had it 'worse than you' who have had it easier than you psychologically, emotionally, chemically.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Obviously it is your choice if you want to run away from home, but if that really is your plan then you should probably save up more than that and make a plan. At the very least you'll need a sleeping bag, a tarp, a bag for your stuff, toiletries, change of clothes, and more cash than sixty-four bucks.

You said you've run away before, how long do you have to stay where you're at?

- August

When I've tried to run away before, nothing has ever actually happened. It’s really not practical for me right now. I live about 10 miles from the city, which would be the only place I could reasonably go, and I don’t have a car (and I’d get caught really quickly driving a stolen car…) All the money I have right now comes from my parents. I don’t have a job or anything. I’d love to have one but right now I’m just taking classes.

I don’t even know if running away is actually my plan; I don’t really know what I want. I just want to get away from where I am. I tried to go to a residential college before, and that didn’t work out, but I am potentially going to go to one closer to home but still stay on campus (and it would be free since my mother is a professor there.) My father is usually the one who makes things intolerable, so that would probably be okay, but the issue is that I want to study sociology, which won’t do me much good in the field of employability if I ever want to not be poor. I guess I’m scared of making a decision about my life, and that’s also something I’m running away from.

[gorillafuck]

I don't want support I just want to vent and disconnect myself from reality.

[gorillafuck]

I like negativity, it's more intelligent than hope or aspirations.

[GoddessCleoLover]

How about "pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will"? A.Gramsci

[gorillafuck]

fuck will.

while I'm taking up the pyho thread as it is, I decided that I'm not going to tell her that I love her but I will tell her I've had "feelings" for her for a long time, probably. that's a safer statement to make I think.

[Искра]

go to a pub and start a fight... or just start a fight for no reason... kick that aggression out of you

[ed miliband]

fuck will.

while I'm taking up the pyho thread as it is, I decided that I'm not going to tell her that I love her but I will tell her I've had "feelings" for her for a long time, probably. that's a safer statement to make I think.

yea mos def

saying you "like"/"love" her currently or whatever will only worsen matters - but not acknowledging it is also problemeatic

[Lobotomy]

I cut my hair again so I don't look like Paul McCartney anymore. fyi.

[Susurrus]

Screw productivity tonight. My love life is a cold war and I'm off to play video games and drown my grief in funny things on the internet.

[NewLeft]

I definitely come off as very pretentious.. I hate it. It's true, but I hate pretentious people (including myself).

[Ele'ill]

I don't want support I just want to vent and disconnect myself from reality.

Then do it.

[Leftsolidarity]

So overwhelmed by everything

[Lobotomy]

my boyfriend drove two hours to surprise me at my apartment tonight. :)

[Salyut]

I feel absolutely disgusting.

Long story short, I thought someone needed my emotional support tonight (granted they'd sent me a weird ass text about how they envied me as a non-virgin the day before, which made me drink). Instead it was a hyper passive-aggressive attempt at getting a pity fuck. I left after I realized that and he's sending me weird text messages.

I feel so disgusting and used right now. Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm going to fuck you at the drop of a hat ffs.

protip: revealing you have a weeping scalp wound from compulsive scratching, and claiming Grease 2 fucked up your sexuality (I didn't even know there was a sequel) is not going to make me want to fuck you. omfg I should have known better. :cursing:

edit: best valentines day ever. I'm getting drunk and feel like crying.

[gorillafuck]

I feel absolutely disgusting.

Long story short, I thought someone needed my emotional support tonight (granted they'd sent me a weird ass text about how they envied me as a non-virgin the day before, which made me drink). Instead it was a hyper passive-aggressive attempt at getting a pity fuck. I left after I realized that and he's sending me weird text messages.

I feel so disgusting and used right now. Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm going to fuck you at the drop of a hat ffs.

protip: revealing you have a weeping scalp wound from compulsive scratching, and claiming Grease 2 fucked up your sexuality (I didn't even know there was a sequel) is not going to make me want to fuck you. omfg I should have known better. :cursing:

edit: best valentines day ever. I'm getting drunk and feel like crying. :(

[thriller]

When I've tried to run away before, nothing has ever actually happened. It’s really not practical for me right now. I live about 10 miles from the city, which would be the only place I could reasonably go, and I don’t have a car (and I’d get caught really quickly driving a stolen car…) All the money I have right now comes from my parents. I don’t have a job or anything. I’d love to have one but right now I’m just taking classes.

I don’t even know if running away is actually my plan; I don’t really know what I want. I just want to get away from where I am. I tried to go to a residential college before, and that didn’t work out, but I am potentially going to go to one closer to home but still stay on campus (and it would be free since my mother is a professor there.) My father is usually the one who makes things intolerable, so that would probably be okay, but the issue is that I want to study sociology, which won’t do me much good in the field of employability if I ever want to not be poor. I guess I’m scared of making a decision about my life, and that’s also something I’m running away from.

While I never encourage people to run away, if you, it's probably a good idea to at least get a basic understanding of where you are going. Some places are very friendly to run aways/homeless, others are not. Go for sociology. I'm going for labor history. At first I thought about the employment issue too. But I realized it would be the biggest waste of time, effort, and money to study something I hate just to get a job to pay back the loans for the degree I got that got me the job all so I could pay back the loans. And with everyone else going into fields just for employment, I would assume less people are going for sociology, there by leaving a bigger opening for those who do study it.

[Искра]

I'M BACK TO UNI!!!

EMublSl2zzo

Tonight I'm going to tear this town appart....

Finaly a reason to be happy.

[Quail]

Today is a bad day. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel ill, I've run out of meds so my mood and emotions feel funny from withdrawal and to top it off I have the worst period cramps. I wish I'd taken up my grandma's offer of help with looking after my son, but I feel bad about putting people out to help me. My son's asleep now, but it was hard not to lose patience with him earlier and just scream and cry because he's not behaving well today. I think he's teething and/or feeling a bit poorly himself so it's not like he's deliberately trying to wind me up, but it's stressing me out.

[thriller]

Today is a bad day. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel ill, I've run out of meds so my mood and emotions feel funny from withdrawal and to top it off I have the worst period cramps. I wish I'd taken up my grandma's offer of help with looking after my son, but I feel bad about putting people out to help me. My son's asleep now, but it was hard not to lose patience with him earlier and just scream and cry because he's not behaving well today. I think he's teething and/or feeling a bit poorly himself so it's not like he's deliberately trying to wind me up, but it's stressing me out.

When my ex would run out of her meds, she'd also just lose it sometimes, so I know (from an outside perspective) how much that can suck. You shouldn't feel bad about having your grandma help you with your son, she's offering cuz she loves you right? And I bet she would love to spend more time with your son, and your son with her.

(Sorry if it seems like I'm telling you how to be a parent or whatever, I just know my mom LOVES taking care of my nephew and niece, and they love it too).

[Salyut]

I'm feeling more outraged over last night then upset. I suppose this is a good thing.

Now I need to go head off any drama he starts at the LBGT group. He sent me another weird message after I told him firmly I wasn't interested. -_- I don't need him going around telling people I'm a horrible cocktease-equivalent or whatever. Might as well expose him - he's previously done something similar that I let slide out of kindness.

[Decolonize The Left]

While I never encourage people to run away, if you, it's probably a good idea to at least get a basic understanding of where you are going. Some places are very friendly to run aways/homeless, others are not. Go for sociology. I'm going for labor history. At first I thought about the employment issue too. But I realized it would be the biggest waste of time, effort, and money to study something I hate just to get a job to pay back the loans for the degree I got that got me the job all so I could pay back the loans. And with everyone else going into fields just for employment, I would assume less people are going for sociology, there by leaving a bigger opening for those who do study it.

I have a BA in political science from a respected college. I have a minor in philosophy, and I had enough credits in both english and philosophy to major in any/all of the three. I chose polisci because I it seemed like a better 'career' major and since I liked them all equally at the time, it was the most prudent choice.

I have worked as a barista and a waiter for the past 3 years.

Take the classes you want while you're in school, do not try and 'plan' your future during the only time when you'll have the freedom to explore any avenue of thought you like.

- August

[Decolonize The Left]

Today is a bad day. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel ill, I've run out of meds so my mood and emotions feel funny from withdrawal and to top it off I have the worst period cramps. I wish I'd taken up my grandma's offer of help with looking after my son, but I feel bad about putting people out to help me. My son's asleep now, but it was hard not to lose patience with him earlier and just scream and cry because he's not behaving well today. I think he's teething and/or feeling a bit poorly himself so it's not like he's deliberately trying to wind me up, but it's stressing me out.

You need a good movie, a nice snack, and a warm couch to curl up on and let a couple hours drift by.

May I suggest something classic like The Apartment?

- August

[Quail]

When my ex would run out of her meds, she'd also just lose it sometimes, so I know (from an outside perspective) how much that can suck. You shouldn't feel bad about having your grandma help you with your son, she's offering cuz she loves you right? And I bet she would love to spend more time with your son, and your son with her.

(Sorry if it seems like I'm telling you how to be a parent or whatever, I just know my mom LOVES taking care of my nephew and niece, and they love it too).
People do like to help. My grandma loves looking after him. I just feel kind of guilty, like they'll think I'm just being lazy and making them do the hard work. I don't know why I feel that way. It's totally irrational.

The rest of today has been pretty damn trying too, but thankfully my mum has stepped in to give me a break. I'm in such a volatile mood. My mum stressed me out by talking about my finances and my eating habits, and told me I should be seeing someone for anxiety CBT and I got really angry. It's really annoying being told I should be seeking CBT for my anxiety because I've had CBT before and I didn't find it helpful, and she doesn't really know that much about my mental health so I don't think she can really make a judgment on what I should be doing. I wish people would leave me alone and not hassle me about treatment. Hassling me doesn't help, but for some reason no matter how many times I say that, it doesn't sink in.

[Decolonize The Left]

People do like to help. My grandma loves looking after him. I just feel kind of guilty, like they'll think I'm just being lazy and making them do the hard work. I don't know why I feel that way. It's totally irrational.

The rest of today has been pretty damn trying too, but thankfully my mum has stepped in to give me a break. I'm in such a volatile mood. My mum stressed me out by talking about my finances and my eating habits, and told me I should be seeing someone for anxiety CBT and I got really angry. It's really annoying being told I should be seeking CBT for my anxiety because I've had CBT before and I didn't find it helpful, and she doesn't really know that much about my mental health so I don't think she can really make a judgment on what I should be doing. I wish people would leave me alone and not hassle me about treatment. Hassling me doesn't help, but for some reason no matter how many times I say that, it doesn't sink in.

She just loves and cares for you and doesn't want to see you hurt. She hears you but she can't listen because she's so concerned. It's a tough situation to be in but it seems like she only means the best.

I'm glad you can step out of the house. Go do something you like and relax. Please.

- August

[NewLeft]

I hate school. I got a 0 on an assignment because my teacher thinks I plagiarized. I wrote about how capital is the most important aspect of the school system, but my teacher thought it was too advanced for a high schooler and she said that I wasn't that great of a writer. She told me to redo it from my point of view. I mean this is my point of view, but I was defenseless. I just accepted it, but now I have no clue how I'm going to answer the essay question. I might dumb it down or something to the point where she can believe I wrote it. Had I been the model student.. You know, the student who does all the extracurriculars, participates in things like 30 hours of famine.. My teacher wouldn't have had any doubts, but because I'm the cancer in the school.. the one who's always late, the one who doesn't always present himself nicely.. Not much is expected out of me. Why is it so hard to believe that I'm capable of decent work?

[gorillafuck]

this is going to be happening every night I guess

[Leftsolidarity]

I hate school. I got a 0 on an assignment because my teacher thinks I plagiarized. I wrote about how capital is the most important aspect of the school system, but my teacher thought it was too advanced for a high schooler and she said that I wasn't that great of a writer. She told me to redo it from my point of view. I mean this is my point of view, but I was defenseless. I just accepted it, but now I have no clue how I'm going to answer the essay question. I might dumb it down or something to the point where she can believe I wrote it. Had I been the model student.. You know, the student who does all the extracurriculars, participates in things like 30 hours of famine.. My teacher wouldn't have had any doubts, but because I'm the cancer in the school.. the one who's always late, the one who doesn't always present himself nicely.. Not much is expected out of me. Why is it so hard to believe that I'm capable of decent work?

Dude, take that as the biggest piece of encouragement. You managed to write something so good and advanced that your dumbass teacher says you must have plagarized it. That means you did really fucking good!

While it is shitty at the moment, it definitely should be taken as a good sign for your abilities.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I hate school. I got a 0 on an assignment because my teacher thinks I plagiarized. I wrote about how capital is the most important aspect of the school system, but my teacher thought it was too advanced for a high schooler and she said that I wasn't that great of a writer. She told me to redo it from my point of view. I mean this is my point of view, but I was defenseless. I just accepted it, but now I have no clue how I'm going to answer the essay question. I might dumb it down or something to the point where she can believe I wrote it. Had I been the model student.. You know, the student who does all the extracurriculars, participates in things like 30 hours of famine.. My teacher wouldn't have had any doubts, but because I'm the cancer in the school.. the one who's always late, the one who doesn't always present himself nicely.. Not much is expected out of me. Why is it so hard to believe that I'm capable of decent work?

Rewrite it in such detail and use contemporary language.Make it so that the teacher can only but accept the fact that you wrote it.

Using too much Marxist language all of a suddenly can be disorienting for the bourgeois teachers so introduce your subject material slowly and in your own voice.

Perhaps post your piece somewhere so we can help you?

[NewLeft]

Dude, take that as the biggest piece of encouragement. You managed to write something so good and advanced that your dumbass teacher says you must have plagarized it. That means you did really fucking good!

While it is shitty at the moment, it definitely should be taken as a good sign for your abilities.

I appreciate the optimism, haha, but I still have to redo it. :crying:


Rewrite it in such detail and use contemporary language.Make it so that the teacher can only but accept the fact that you wrote it.

Using too much Marxist language all of a suddenly can be disorienting for the bourgeois teachers so introduce your subject material slowly and in your own voice.

Perhaps post your piece somewhere so we can help you?

Thanks for the advice, I am going to avoid using "technical" terms. The essay itself was written in french, so if you know french then let me know!

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Thanks for the advice, I am going to avoid using "technical" terms. The essay itself was written in french, so if you know french then let me know!

Unfortunately I know no such French (I drew pictures during my french class.lol).However,my computer might be able to translate it so you can send me a copy if you still want to.

[Quail]

Thanks for the advice, I am going to avoid using "technical" terms. The essay itself was written in french, so if you know french then let me know!
I just looked at this and thought, whoa, how does he know technical lefty french terms?? Then I noticed the location and it all made sense.
I can speak french but not particularly well anymore, so I could probably write an essay truly worthy of that 0 :lol:


I got so angry a my parents earlier when they tried to talk to me about my finances. I shouted at them and told them to fuck off. They just keep going on about it and they don't say constructive things. They just keep nagging me to do things which just makes me stressed. They know it makes me stressed and keep doing it and I wish they could just understand that I'm stressed enough and don't need to be hearing all the time what a mess my money situation is. I haven't told them quite how stressed it makes me. Money stuff makes me think a lot about suicide. It makes me plan to overdose so that I have to go to hospital to get treatment for poisoning so that I don't have to think about my fucking finances. I can't really say that to them though, because then they'd just worry about my mental health which would cause even more stress. Besides, I'm doing stuff to try and sort everything out, and there's nothing more I can do so why are they still on my back? I didn't take some of their advice, because I felt guilt-tripped into paying nursery fees I couldn't afford and pressured into paying rent that I couldn't afford, but them telling me that I've made everything worse by doing that isn't going to help anyone. It isn't going to change that I fucked up or make the situation any better. It just makes me feel worse and more stressed and less able to cope.

[gorillafuck]

I just looked at this and thought, whoa, how does he know technical lefty french terms?? Then I noticed the location and it all made sense.
I can speak french but not particularly well anymore, so I could probably write an essay truly worthy of that 0 :lol:


I got so angry a my parents earlier when they tried to talk to me about my finances. I shouted at them and told them to fuck off. They just keep going on about it and they don't say constructive things. They just keep nagging me to do things which just makes me stressed. They know it makes me stressed and keep doing it and I wish they could just understand that I'm stressed enough and don't need to be hearing all the time what a mess my money situation is. I haven't told them quite how stressed it makes me. Money stuff makes me think a lot about suicide. It makes me plan to overdose so that I have to go to hospital to get treatment for poisoning so that I don't have to think about my fucking finances. I can't really say that to them though, because then they'd just worry about my mental health which would cause even more stress. Besides, I'm doing stuff to try and sort everything out, and there's nothing more I can do so why are they still on my back? I didn't take some of their advice, because I felt guilt-tripped into paying nursery fees I couldn't afford and pressured into paying rent that I couldn't afford, but them telling me that I've made everything worse by doing that isn't going to help anyone. It isn't going to change that I fucked up or make the situation any better. It just makes me feel worse and more stressed and less able to cope.oh :(

is your little boy your biggest financial strain?

[roy]

I hate school. I got a 0 on an assignment because my teacher thinks I plagiarized. I wrote about how capital is the most important aspect of the school system, but my teacher thought it was too advanced for a high schooler and she said that I wasn't that great of a writer. She told me to redo it from my point of view. I mean this is my point of view, but I was defenseless. I just accepted it, but now I have no clue how I'm going to answer the essay question. I might dumb it down or something to the point where she can believe I wrote it. Had I been the model student.. You know, the student who does all the extracurriculars, participates in things like 30 hours of famine.. My teacher wouldn't have had any doubts, but because I'm the cancer in the school.. the one who's always late, the one who doesn't always present himself nicely.. Not much is expected out of me. Why is it so hard to believe that I'm capable of decent work?

If I were in your situation, I'd leave it exactly how it is and prove that it wasn't plagiarised. The teacher can't make you change something that you wrote just because it hurts her head. You have a rare opportunity to one-up someone in a position of authority and just watch them stew because they can't do anything about it. On another note, it must've been a good piece of work too.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I've said this before, so many damn times, but it never changes no matter how hard I try: there are so many people that I want to get to know, but I can't because I'm too scared.

I'm really close to crying in public, and there's nowhere I can go to get away.

[Ele'ill]

This critique here of Portland, Oregon is dead on-

http://www.knick-knack.com/rants/places/portland-oregon-sucks.html

- He left out how if there's brief rumbles of thunder that everyone calls the police.

- There's no birds or insects making noise so you feel like you're in a wasteland like the dead marsh that frodo, sam and gollum crossed in Lord Of The Rings

- There's no work.

[NewLeft]

I have a scar on my forehead from a meteorite.. I want it to go away..

[Quail]

oh :(

is your little boy your biggest financial strain?
No, my biggest financial issue is probably being messed about by the DWP and the council because they arbitrarily cut off my benefits or take ages to sort things out for no reason. I also have debt collectors phoning constantly because the DWP think that I owe them money and although I'm in the process of appealing, the bastards won't leave me alone. To make it worse, the calls from the debt collector are from a fucking robot that puts me in a hold queue... Like I have nothing better to do than wait 20 minutes to talk to a debt collection agency and tell them politely to leave me alone. I also have the issue that the university is making me pay 12 months rent monthly over 8 months, but I get my housing benefit monthly as though I'm paying it like a normal person, so that leaves me out of pocket. The university have left it until now to let student finance know that I only did half a semester this year, so it's going to be hard to find evidence to give to income support, plus my student loan has already been paid in, but because housing benefit people have messed me about and my rent has gone out, I can no longer afford to pay the loan back. Situation sucks and stresses me out to fuck, so I'd rather not be reminded of it all the time.

I got my meds today so I'm not longer quite so crazy and emotionally unstable (or shouldn't be shortly) and had an appointment with the ED nurse, which was kind of depressing, but also good. Depressing in that I've made zero progress since I first started seeing her, but good in that I'm being referred for a mental health assessment so that I can get some more appropriate treatment. She discussed me and my history with her supervisor, and her supervisor thinks I should be assessed because my mental health problems could be symptoms of PTSD. Not sure how I feel about that, but we'll see.

Long post is long. If anyone actually read it, cheers.

[gorillafuck]

oh.

that sucks. I have no advice because I have no idea how the fuck any of that works, but that sucks. :(

[Ele'ill]

I'm in love with someone who I've met before and known for a long time but never met for more than a minute in this life.

[Ele'ill]

and their love just died recently and they're mourning it but it's like I've seen it before and it's bitter sweet and I'm hearing music and there's photos taken by this person from where I grew up and they're all wonderful and they capture the area so well it's like we were kids again-again I swear we've done all this before lots of times

[coda]

so not cool... what if your leg gets tetanus, gangrene, flesh eating bacteria and it has to be amputated? in a worse case scenario... which does happen if your luck and life really sucks...

ed: this was in reply to the cutting post... wherever that went...

[coda]

<< Money stuff makes me think a lot about suicide. It makes me plan to overdose so that I have to go to hospital to get treatment for poisoning so that I don't have to think about my fucking finances.>>

Quail, well, you can't do that because you have responsibility to your son... think about what that would be like for him in his future knowing you took that to its conclusion.... not good at all... or for anyone else around you...

sorry to be so blunt.... I'm never sure if the word suicide is hypothetical, metaphorical or sincere--- I know I screwed that up once.. many years ago-- so i take it seriously now.. there is always a reason.. but way better solutions...-- that is plural!

I hope you're getting child support that you and your child deserve and any other helpful support or government assistance. I'm in the US and don't know what the DWP or council exactly is, or anything else... I always assume the UK is a little better than the US in providing needed services...

You're in University? Maybe you can apply for a temporary leave or extension for a few years until your son is in school or finances are better.... or maybe you should take advantage of family-oriented childcare if finishing Uni will change your financial situation. School and single parenting a baby is a lot to handle at the same time. It does take a village and a community--- you should take advantage of the help that's offered.. Take what you can get when you need it and worry about giving back afterwards... it all equals out in the end.... solidarity, comrade.

[Zukunftsmusik]

I have a scar on my forehead from a meteorite.. I want it to go away..

seriously? how the hell did it happen?

[NewLeft]

seriously? how the hell did it happen?

I was just walking home and a meteorite hit my forehead. At first I thought someone threw it at me, but then I saw this giant (5 cm) rock that was really sparkly on the ground. I'm 99% sure that the rock came from the sky and just hit me.

[Zukunftsmusik]

wow. just wow.

I don't have words. What are the odds? how extremely unlucky and lucky you were.

[Quail]

<< Money stuff makes me think a lot about suicide. It makes me plan to overdose so that I have to go to hospital to get treatment for poisoning so that I don't have to think about my fucking finances.>>

Quail, well, you can't do that because you have responsibility to your son... think about what that would be like for him in his future knowing you took that to its conclusion.... not good at all... or for anyone else around you...

sorry to be so blunt.... I'm never sure if the word suicide is hypothetical, metaphorical or sincere--- I know I screwed that up once.. many years ago-- so i take it seriously now.. there is always a reason.. but way better solutions...-- that is plural!

I hope you're getting child support that you and your child deserve and any other helpful support or government assistance. I'm in the US and don't know what the DWP or council exactly is, or anything else... I always assume the UK is a little better than the US in providing needed services...

You're in University? Maybe you can apply for a temporary leave or extension for a few years until your son is in school or finances are better.... or maybe you should take advantage of family-oriented childcare if finishing Uni will change your financial situation. School and single parenting a baby is a lot to handle at the same time. It does take a village and a community--- you should take advantage of the help that's offered.. Take what you can get when you need it and worry about giving back afterwards... it all equals out in the end.... solidarity, comrade.
I'm on a leave of absence at the moment because I had to redo half of my last year. My uni and/or Student Finance fucked up somehow.

Sometimes it's too easy to convince myself that everyone would be better off without me, but seeing how much my son loves and relies on me I don't think I could do that to him. I find it hard to look at a situation rationally and convince myself that it won't always be so bad, even though if someone else was in my position I'd be telling them that it will get better. Funny really. I should take my own advice more often.

[Buitraker]

I feel like shit
No ambitions, no motivations, no dreams
What the fuck i do here?

Just i needed say

[Kitty_Paine]

I feel like shit...
What the fuck i do here?

Go party? :)

That's what I would do anyway.

[Agent Ducky]

I've said this before, so many damn times, but it never changes no matter how hard I try: there are so many people that I want to get to know, but I can't because I'm too scared.

I'm really close to crying in public, and there's nowhere I can go to get away.

What is it you're scared of, exactly?

[MotherCossack]

Today is a bad day. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel ill, I've run out of meds so my mood and emotions feel funny from withdrawal and to top it off I have the worst period cramps. I wish I'd taken up my grandma's offer of help with looking after my son, but I feel bad about putting people out to help me. My son's asleep now, but it was hard not to lose patience with him earlier and just scream and cry because he's not behaving well today. I think he's teething and/or feeling a bit poorly himself so it's not like he's deliberately trying to wind me up, but it's stressing me out.

reading this i feel very bad on your behalf.
its like when i want to sand-paper my skin off... or f**king eat the whole planet and chuck it up and then just cry forever!
but you know what dont be too tough on yourself.... if you feel bad cos you was cross wiv him.... dont let it spiral down ...the road to self hate.... just turn around and hug him and tell him that you are sorry and that you love him but you know you were wrong andit is not his fault one bit and you are only human and hug him more.
i dont know how old your son is... but if he is between 1 and 10 that should be some good for you both... it has worked for me 4 times [with 4 kids, although i was just learning with 1st two.
even if he is too little to understand ... it will make you feel better and more open with him.
and just think .... period cramps are shit!!!!!!!! but i tell you... you would miss em in a funny way if they were gone!!!!
i got told that i was experiencing an early menopause in the summer.
ME-NO-LIKE!!!!!!! fuck! it hurt! i've had 4 kids but, i tell you... i would put up with a shit load of pain to have one more period.

[Aloysius]

I have shitty friends with no respect for my feelings. First they mock my obesity (which is easy to do, these days), then they use one of those black and orange clamps and clamp it to my nipple, and then they lie about whose idea it was.

Fuck my friends.

[Ele'ill]

Curled up on the couch and fell asleep with the cat which was an awful idea as she repeatedly bit my arms and hands every time I moved. She wasn't up there to be a buddy she was up there cause that's her normal sleeping spot and she was doing that passive aggressive cat shit where they occupy the same space as one another and just sit there angry with their ears back and tails swooshing. Tonight I sleep with a spray bottle.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I was just walking home and a meteorite hit my forehead. At first I thought someone threw it at me, but then I saw this giant (5 cm) rock that was really sparkly on the ground. I'm 99% sure that the rock came from the sky and just hit me.Did you save it? 5cm diameter ... that's a big meteorite. Bring it to a university with a big astronomy/geology department and get it analyzed for mineral content/etc, then sell it for $$$$$$ ... at least that's what they do on that show Meteorite Men. I'd save it just to have a meteorite. "How do you know it's a meteorite, dude?" "Well, it hit me on the fucking face out of nowhere. I don't suppose Jesus dropped it!"


I have shitty friends with no respect for my feelings. First they mock my obesity (which is easy to do, these days), then they use one of those black and orange clamps and clamp it to my nipple, and then they lie about whose idea it was.

Fuck my friends.
Man, friends do not treat each other like that. Seriously, if they're verbally and physically harrassing you, it's not a healthy situation. If I were in your position, I'd ditch them and go off on my own. But then, I can deal with going from being a social butterfly to isolated and withdrawn for a period of time with no problem. I understand not everyone can stand social withdrawal. :(

I totally understand your situation. I was harrassed and tormented by people I believed to be my friends for a period of time. It was back in middle school, but it hurt nonetheless and shaped my social behaviors from that point on.

I say move on, find new friends. You'll meet people who aren't assholes. It just might take a while. But don't give up.

[Buitraker]

Go party? :)

That's what I would do anyway.
Thanks

[Zukunftsmusik]

I feel like shit
No ambitions, no motivations, no dreams
What the fuck i do here?

Ditto.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I wanna delete my facebook account so badly, I want to stop posting on all other online forums and even possibly cut down on Revleft, I want to leave behind all this superficial online drama and just go back to my old life.

I got a facebook profile when I was wondering what I was missing out on... as it turns out not much.My emotions make it so that every-time a "friend" unfriends me I get angry/sad and it isn't healthy. Yet as much as I want to delete it I realize such is unpractical for activist reasons.

The forums... not so much revleft but other places.I have worked so hard on another forum and done so much. There was a battle and I fought. I'm not even sure I won but the Eminem lyrics, "..and even though I won I spent so much energy on it now I feel like I lost it" stick out in my mind.Most of the friends I made there I now consider my enemies and I feel like that the only way to move beyond these feelings of anger, sadness, regret and indignity is to completely cut off ties and never return there.... but again, the activist in me says otherwise.

It's all so draining.I am considering asking my parents to get me into consoling or therapy... anything to help me with all my internal issues but I am not sure I want to go through that process if it means taking medication. :(

I remember back when I was without online persona'...it was a lonely affair but I have grown since than and am starting to believe that the time for which I need such areas has since gone past.I am still formulating all the possible outcomes of all my possible decisions but progress is nonexistent.

[Zukunftsmusik]

I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that I hope you won't cut out RevLeft completely. You're a good poster :)

As for the other things you say: I haven't been involved in any internet "drama", but I nderstand what you say, especially that part about facebook. If you're so deep in this that you consider therapy, then I think it would be a good idea to drop some the forums. Some times you just have to think about yourself a little and let the activist go, at least for some time. Take a pause from facebook and internet forums, then come back later if you feel like it, don't if you don't. Just please stay on this forum :D

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that I hope you won't cut out RevLeft completely. You're a good poster :)

Thanks... :) though I never considered myself a exceptional poster as I could never muster up much enthusiasm to participate in many debates nor could I give a prolonged debate on much else as I simply lack the sources to prove my opinion.


As for the other things you say: I haven't been involved in any internet "drama", but I nderstand what you say, especially that part about facebook. If you're so deep in this that you consider therapy, then I think it would be a good idea to drop some the forums. Some times you just have to think about yourself a little and let the activist go, at least for some time. Take a pause from facebook and internet forums, then come back later if you feel like it, don't if you don't. Just please stay on this forum :DMy current state isn't a direct result of what has happened on the other forums and facebook but it is a big part of it. This internal conflict has been happening for a long time and really only seems to have come to a head with the most recent developments elsewhere.

Last night I was pacing back and forth while listening to music and as expected my mind created a fictional conversation between me and a random person. Such moments usually give me insight into my inner most thoughts and this time was no exception.

In the simulation I was talking angrily with another person about the online events and a part went something like this..."...what's the goddamn point? I can't do drugs, I don't self-mutilate, I hate alcohol, and I resent social obligations..." While nonsensical at first moments later it struck me that my anger and other heavy emotional reactions is, I believe, the direct result of me having no outlet. Carrying this further it is the result of me not knowing how to cope.

I know therapy can help me by giving me coping skills, but again , I don't wanna go through with it if I have to take meds.Truthfully there is more to this than simply the online component and that is equally important to understanding. Still, I don't even know if we can financially afford therapy or consoluing. I am thinking of a way to ask my mother without blabbing it out but with me being confused by how to proceed such is slow progress.

I might end up taking a break but I still can't help but wonder if I had better coping skills and tried my best to ignore the people I hate than perhaps I might not have to cut off all ties? I dunno, even than I can't make a decision yet with my fate still tied up in the other forum (I prefer to make my decisions when the major dust has settled).

Will keep this updated as things progress.

[Lobotomy]

I know therapy can help me by giving me coping skills, but again , I don't wanna go through with it if I have to take meds.

You don't really have to do anything. they might give you a recommendation, but unless you're going to hurt yourself or someone else (which it doesn't sound like you are)--they can't pin you down and force you to take anything. I can sympathize with that though. there have been one or two occasions in which a medical professional has told me to take antidepressants but I just don't want to.

and I agree, you are a good contributor to revleft. :)

[Lobotomy]

I have shitty friends with no respect for my feelings. First they mock my obesity (which is easy to do, these days), then they use one of those black and orange clamps and clamp it to my nipple, and then they lie about whose idea it was.

Fuck my friends.

that's shitty :( canislupis is right, you should find better friends if you can.

[Landsharks eat metal]

What is it you're scared of, exactly?
I think it's mostly being judged and the fact that if people got to know me, they'd probably end up hating me. It happened a lot in the past. Also, when there are a lot of people around, not being able to get out if I need to.

A shitload of people all came into the small restaurant I was at with my family and I got terrified, stiff, and shaky. And apparently my parents think I'm making it up or exaggerating it, so they got kind of mad/frustrated... I wanted to run out the door, hide under the table, or just curl up and die, but I couldn't do any of that.

[MotherCossack]

i just opened a letter from the DWP ... a medical form to do with all the latest drive to get people off incapacity benefit and back on the scrapheap... i mean back to work.
i am not actually entitled to incapacity benefit but they pay my stamps and up until now i have not had to go back onto to jobseekers allowance, even though my youngest is nearly seven. [i think that is the age [that your youngest reaches] at which you are now expected to return to work.
i am, of course, refering to that group of us that are single parents.... so they have pronounced that seven is an age whereby you no longer need to have a parent at home. it is about to become five, if it has not already... and the plan is that soon single parents will be prompted to return to work by their baby's first birthday.

so ... no matter that you have not worked for 20 years and the last job you did was a disaster of epic proportions that ENDED IN SCANDAL AND HUMILIATION FROM WHICH IT TOOK YEARS TO RECOVER...
no.. i am not work-shy by any means... i refuse to be labelled as a person whose labour is not sellable... or as a person whose time is worth nothing and who is therefore worth nothing.

just because i can find no cog or niche in this unpleasant machine that we all inhabit, into which i can squeeze myself, even partially...does that mean i am a duff human worthy of nothing?

i say no!i say maybe i have something that they simply do not recognise. their loss not mine!

who am i kidding?
i am a piece of useless shite.... everyone knows that... even my kids say it.... all the time... my family think it ...everyone i ever worked for said it... life is scary... death is scary... doing stuff is scary.... being alone is scary.... tidying up is too much... the mess is such a nightmare ....i am a nightmare... no wonder everyone thinks i am useless... i am useless.... and now they want me to fill this shite in....
what a piece of shit i really am

cossack! you worm! self-pitying, self-obsessed, unworthy, deluded and pampered worm! grow up... pull your weight for once in your life and stop fucking whining!

[∞]

Just get my rep to 2000. Thank you.

[NewLeft]

Just get my rep to 2000. Thank you.

∞! The new avatar is deceiving.

[∞]

Nah ima total soviet! Ak-47 hurrdurr jingoist nonsense sentiment for ussr durr.

[Zukunftsmusik]

i have the attention span of a hyperactive five-year-old on speed and the self-discipline of the same five-year-old on speed placed in a candy store.

[NewLeft]

i have the attention span of a hyperactive five-year-old on speed and the self-discipline of the same five-year-old on speed placed in a candy store.

I have the libido of a 5 year old... What's worse?

[gorillafuck]

I wish I could have a day where I woke up and didn't feel like shit upon realizing that I am awake

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I wish I could have a day where I woke up and didn't feel like shit upon realizing that I am awake

Why do you feel like shit when you awake?

[gorillafuck]

Why do you feel like shit when you awake?because I am depressed and I don't like reality or myself or the human mind

[NewLeft]

I have so many scars on my face.. Each of them is a story. A scar on my lip, forehead, nose, on my upper lip, along my cheek, on my other cheek, near my eyebrow, on my hairline, on my eyelid..

[gorillafuck]

from being beaten?

[NewLeft]

from being beaten?

The one of my eyebrow was from a knife attack.. I was a child when it happened.. It's strange how I only remember the worse memories.

In other news, I was supposed to spend the weekend with a couple of old friends, but they ditched me. I wont even bring it up. Here I am, wasting my Sunday. I hate long weekends.

Why am I finding it so much more difficult to cope with things now, I used to not give a fuck about anything..

[Crux]

Spiralling into depression for no apparent reason.

[Lanky Wanker]

Having a battle with my own mind about whether I should drop A-levels or not... the thought of wasting another year and a half of my life in that fucking place makes me feel like ripping my brain out and giving it to scientists for research. I have exams this week I haven't revised for because I don't give a shit about them and they're only practice ones for the head of sixth form to look at and see how "well" everyone is doing so they can ***** at the underachievers for being lazy and stupid. Leave school and get a job that doesn't pay £50,000 a year? You can't do that, you'd be a worthless loser everyone looks down upon!



Spiralling into depression for no apparent reason.

I know how that feels, not too well though thankfully. Stay away from weed and depressing music is one thing I'll say lol.

[∞]

Spiralling into depression for no apparent reason.

Go sniff a tree, or stare at a fishtank. Makes me feel better. Try dancing and eating like a fat motherfucker. But then again I have no emotions because I'm a cold-blooded motherfucker.

[Crux]

I want to run around. but right now I settle for smoking.

[∞]

Dance naked.

[Susurrus]

Buy a punching bag. Best investment ever. And right now I'm very happy to be in a place where I can run at night w/o fear.

[Leftsolidarity]

I shook the hand of the first lady the other day on one of her only surprise visits to people touring the White House.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I shook the hand of the first lady the other day on one of her only surprise visits to people touring the White House.

Did you remember to engage her in debate about how the capitalist system is exploiting the world? No excuses comrade!

[Pretty Flaco]

Buy a punching bag. Best investment ever. And right now I'm very happy to be in a place where I can run at night w/o fear.

buy a punching bag and then go smoke while you sniff a tree

[Crux]

buy a punching bag and then go smoke while you sniff a tree
YES! yes! YES.

[Leftsolidarity]

Did you remember to engage her in debate about how the capitalist system is exploiting the world? No excuses comrade!

I was caught way off guard. I turn the corner and she was there and it was like "oh. holy fuck."

I really wanted to say something like "I'm from the midwest. We need a federal jobs program and a moratorium on foreclosures."

But I was to dumbstruck and didn't say anything. I found the live feed video on the white house website. I stick out. Punk kid in the White House. hahahaha

[Pretty Flaco]

i need a fuckin smoke. i wanna swap out the contents of a swisher sweet cigarillo.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I was caught way off guard. I turn the corner and she was there and it was like "oh. holy fuck."

I really wanted to say something like "I'm from the midwest. We need a federal jobs program and a moratorium on foreclosures."

But I was to dumbstruck and didn't say anything. I found the live feed video on the white house website. I stick out. Punk kid in the White House. hahahaha

...if only you wore a Che shirt... if only, if only... (or better yet a Lenin shirt that said,"Fuck you cappies!") :D

[NewLeft]

I was caught way off guard. I turn the corner and she was there and it was like "oh. holy fuck."

I really wanted to say something like "I'm from the midwest. We need a federal jobs program and a moratorium on foreclosures."

But I was to dumbstruck and didn't say anything. I found the live feed video on the white house website. I stick out. Punk kid in the White House. hahahaha

There actually was a communist in the white house!!

And I did some investigative work. (around 34 mark?? Nah.)
http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2012/02/16/first-lady-surprises-white-house-tour-visitors

[NewLeft]

I was caught way off guard. I turn the corner and she was there and it was like "oh. holy fuck."

I really wanted to say something like "I'm from the midwest. We need a federal jobs program and a moratorium on foreclosures."

But I was to dumbstruck and didn't say anything. I found the live feed video on the white house website. I stick out. Punk kid in the White House. hahahaha

I'm actually really jealous. I'd love to meet an Obama. Yeah, there's still a little liberal in me.

[Leftsolidarity]

There actually was a communist in the white house!!

And I did some investigative work. (around 34 mark?? Nah.)
http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2012/02/16/first-lady-surprises-white-house-tour-visitors

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT'S ME YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

almost fucking postive. It was actually one of the only days in DC that i didnt wear a hammer&sickle shirt.

[gorillafuck]

urgh I can't wait to see her when she gets back waiting waiting waiting

I feel like I do the most whining about self inflicted problems than anyone here

edit: you should have said something ridiculous like "anal beads" and if she asked for clarification just not have responded

[NewLeft]

urgh I can't wait to see her when she gets back waiting waiting waiting

I feel like I do the most whining about self inflicted problems than anyone here

Nah, you hardly post here. It's a pour your heart out thread, post all you need.

[Le Rouge]

I'm actually really jealous. I'd love to meet an Obama. Yeah, there's still a little liberal in me.

Yeah, Obamas are pretty rare these days.

[NewLeft]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT'S ME YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

almost fucking postive. It was actually one of the only days in DC that i didnt wear a hammer&sickle shirt.

Just don't tell fox news.. I already know their headline.. Michelle Obama meets with Communist at the white house. She was seen shaking hands with the communist last week.


Yeah, Obamas are pretty rare these days.

They come out every election cycle.

[Pretty Flaco]

god i hate living in the midwest. especially during the winter. i hate the cold so i feel like im mostly trapped indoors.

[NewLeft]

god i hate living in the midwest. especially during the winter. i hate the cold so i feel like im mostly trapped indoors.

It's been snowing here for 3 days.. How is it over there?

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm scared to do pretty much anything because I know I'm going to fuck up... that's what I always do... I have no one to talk to about because my parents never notice anything unless it's something they can blame me for. A while ago I told my dad I'd rather die than continue to live in his house. He said nothing. I mentioned that I was scared I was being abandoned or forgotten when he was 30 minutes late in picking me up from somewhere, but it didn't matter at all that I'm that insecure. The only thing that mattered was that I forgot my cell phone, so I got a lecture about that.

Nobody ever really listens to me, and when they do, they don't really make an effort to understand. It's a huge effort for me to even be in the same room with people some days, so to talk is even worse, but everyone thinks I still just need to try harder. I spend a lot of my time wanting to curl up on the floor in the fetal position whimpering and sucking my thumb, but I can't do that because I'm an adult and have to pretend everything is okay.

I'm shaking so hard and feel really weak. I wish I could just die instead of having to deal with all this shit, but suicide is just something else for me to fail at.

[Pretty Flaco]

It's been snowing here for 3 days.. How is it over there?

It's only snowed here for like a week overall through the entire winter... but it's been constantly 30-40s. I'm used to warmer conditions, not from here. But I guess I'm better off this year than last. A friend of mine gave me a fucking nice coat and before I didn't even have one. Pretty sure he stole it though.

[NewLeft]

Nobody ever really listens to me, and when they do, they don't really make an effort to understand. It's a huge effort for me to even be in the same room with people some days, so to talk is even worse, but everyone thinks I still just need to try harder. I spend a lot of my time wanting to curl up on the floor in the fetal position whimpering and sucking my thumb, but I can't do that because I'm an adult and have to pretend everything is okay.

I'm shaking so hard and feel really weak. I wish I could just die instead of having to deal with all this shit, but suicide is just something else for me to fail at.

Have you tried taking vitamin b? I get highs "elevated mood" off of taking large doses..

[Hermes]

I'm scared to do pretty much anything because I know I'm going to fuck up... that's what I always do... I have no one to talk to about because my parents never notice anything unless it's something they can blame me for. A while ago I told my dad I'd rather die than continue to live in his house. He said nothing. I mentioned that I was scared I was being abandoned or forgotten when he was 30 minutes late in picking me up from somewhere, but it didn't matter at all that I'm that insecure. The only thing that mattered was that I forgot my cell phone, so I got a lecture about that.

Nobody ever really listens to me, and when they do, they don't really make an effort to understand. It's a huge effort for me to even be in the same room with people some days, so to talk is even worse, but everyone thinks I still just need to try harder. I spend a lot of my time wanting to curl up on the floor in the fetal position whimpering and sucking my thumb, but I can't do that because I'm an adult and have to pretend everything is okay.

I'm shaking so hard and feel really weak. I wish I could just die instead of having to deal with all this shit, but suicide is just something else for me to fail at.

I feel the same way a lot of them time. And if anyone does listen to you, they say that suicide is wrong, because it's selfish (if you're really unlucky, it's because you're going to hell). Of course it's selfish to prefer death to this world you live in where no one really cares about you or tries to help you feel better. It's not selfish that they want you to remain miserable in this world so that they can have you around, of course not.

If people tried to help, it would be better, but they just bank on the fact that you'll grow out of it. Sometimes I feel the only reason I don't kill myself is because I'm a coward.

--

In other news, I'm going to be a godfather, soon.

[Lanky Wanker]

Of course it's selfish to prefer death to this world you live in where no one really cares about you or tries to help you feel better. It's not selfish that they want you to remain miserable in this world so that they can have you around, of course not.

I used this as a time buyer when my best friend was suicidal, but I eventually realised that maybe I was the one being selfish. To fear not having a friend around is not selfish or ignorant -- it would be any true friend's natural response -- but to call them selfish because you can't understand their thoughts or emotions is very ignorant. Telling a suicidal person they're selfish for wanting to end their life is like telling an obese comfort eater to stop being a fatty and go on a diet. Because I've gone through it with my closest friend, it really annoys me when I hear people giving a suicidal person the "don't do it, it's selfish!" treatment.

[NewLeft]

Four more months until the worst years of my life are over. I fucking HATE high school and can not wait until it's over.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Four more months until the worst years of my life are over. I fucking HATE high school and can not wait until it's over.
High school was hell. I hope things get better for you afterwards like they were supposed to for me.
:)

[NewLeft]

High school was hell. I hope things get better for you afterwards like they were supposed to for me.
:)

I doubt it.. Maybe not? I don't know!

My emotions are a sinusoidal wave, right now they're at the low peak, maybe in a few hours they'll be at a high.

And I hate to be the optimist, but they still can get better..

[gorillafuck]

I'm also graduating in like 4 months. the worst is when people try to tell me it's like I accomplished something or that I did it for me. I'd rather be a dropout loser than pretend that I don't hate everybody who's ever given me advice.

[NewLeft]

I'm also graduating in like 4 months. the worst is when people try to tell me it's like I accomplished something or that I did it for me. I'd rather be a dropout loser than pretend that I don't hate everybody who's ever given me advice.

I'm not going to attend graduation.. I don't want to ever go back to that school.. They don't want me there anyway, I mean I never was part of any of their elite clubs and they've kept me off of their sports team just by using my attendance record against me (yet they were willing to make exceptions for others). I've got tonnes of acquaintances though, but they're just acquaintances, so it doesn't matter much.

And then they blame me for not joining their clubs, for not participating, for being the school "cancer.."

[gorillafuck]

I'm not even an outcast at school or anything.

I've literally never once taken someones advice on anything major (that even includes going on an awful two week exchange trip) that ended up going in a way that didn't involve me being socially obligated to accept behavior so obnoxious that I was literally astounded.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I dropped out of school before I even reached highschool.lol... night school is far better; no annoying kids, just pure intellectual learning.

[Lanky Wanker]

We should start a separate high school version of this thread lol.

[NewLeft]

I'm not even an outcast at school or anything.

Didn't think you were.. But damn, those outcasts seem to have it all figured out. Over here, they're the highest achievers.

[Leftsolidarity]

Four more months until the worst years of my life are over. I fucking HATE high school and can not wait until it's over.

Same here. I'm counting down the days til I'm free.

[Pretty Flaco]

i get in too much trouble. when im actually at school. :rolleyes:

nah not actually. im pretty good at not getting in trouble. youve got to know how to talk to people right to get out of it easy.

[NewLeft]

i get in too much trouble. when im actually at school. :rolleyes:

nah not actually. im pretty good at not getting in trouble. youve got to know how to talk to people right to get out of it easy.

All the rabble rousers got charisma.:sneaky:

[Pretty Flaco]

All the rabble rousers got charisma.:sneaky:

lol. it's not that ive got charisma either. i mean, i can honestly be a little shy when i first meet people. its just that a lot of the time i say the right thing at the right time. sometimes i even just say it straight and some people really respect that. for instance, i skipped the last two periods of the day once with my ex to go get some ice cream and see a movie. i literally told the lady at the office that and we talked for like 10 minutes about it all and she thought i sounded nice i guess. didnt get in any trouble for it.

[NewLeft]

lol. it's not that ive got charisma either. i mean, i can honestly be a little shy when i first meet people. its just that a lot of the time i say the right thing at the right time. sometimes i even just say it straight and some people really respect that. for instance, i skipped the last two periods of the day once with my ex to go get some ice cream and see a movie. i literally told the lady at the office that and we talked for like 10 minutes about it all and she thought i sounded nice i guess. didnt get in any trouble for it.

I envy you.. I could never tell anyone anything. I tried the whole being direct thing, it never worked out well for me. (I'm hiding alot, good thing there's this thread!)

[NewLeft]

What I really want is to pause. Not a break, but to pause. Everything is moving and I just want to stop for a second so that I can catch my breath, enjoy the moment and then move on when I feel like it. I hate time. Even if I were to have a break, I would only be losing precious time.

[Ele'ill]

Today I put laces in my running shoes. I also smoked my last cigarette and am going to dedicate my life to healthy existence. I know it's possible because it's the way I used to be. I used to not do drugs. I used to regularly run five miles in a stretch. My fastest mile time was 4:58. I used to lift weights and got my weight up from 160 to 180. Switched gears and dropped the weight way back down when I was training muay thai. I think I'm going to go to school for English. I love reading and I love writing and very few other things keep my attention. I have to get my teeth fixed as it has gotten pretty bad. I have to go find a doc just to have in case of some minor emergency. Making this my reason to live instead of my reason to slowly kill myself is a bit overwhelming but I think I can manage.

[Hermes]

Today I put laces in my running shoes. I also smoked my last cigarette and am going to dedicate my life to healthy existence. I know it's possible because it's the way I used to be. I used to not do drugs. I used to regularly run five miles in a stretch. My fastest mile time was 4:58. I used to lift weights and got my weight up from 160 to 180. Switched gears and dropped the weight way back down when I was training muay thai. I think I'm going to go to school for English. I love reading and I love writing and very few other things keep my attention. I have to get my teeth fixed as it has gotten pretty bad. I have to go find a doc just to have in case of some minor emergency. Making this my reason to live instead of my reason to slowly kill myself is a bit overwhelming but I think I can manage.

I hope the running goes well, and you're able to stop smoking. Are you going to try to quit cold turkey, or wean yourself off with patches/electronic cigarettes?

One of the only times I can truly feel happy is when I'm running and not thinking about anything else.

[Ose]

Today I put laces in my running shoes. I also smoked my last cigarette and am going to dedicate my life to healthy existence. I know it's possible because it's the way I used to be. I used to not do drugs. I used to regularly run five miles in a stretch. My fastest mile time was 4:58. I used to lift weights and got my weight up from 160 to 180. Switched gears and dropped the weight way back down when I was training muay thai. I think I'm going to go to school for English. I love reading and I love writing and very few other things keep my attention. I have to get my teeth fixed as it has gotten pretty bad. I have to go find a doc just to have in case of some minor emergency. Making this my reason to live instead of my reason to slowly kill myself is a bit overwhelming but I think I can manage.
I admire you immensely for this. Just make sure you're not taking on too much at once. Good luck.

[Lobotomy]

somehow I always manage to surround myself with people I can't relate to.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

somehow I always manage to surround myself with people I can't relate to.

I often feel the same... with me I think it is because I am so desperate for companionship I will buddy up to anyone that is kind... not a good way to make friends with people who get you.

[Leftsolidarity]

overwhelmed. all the time. dont know how to make it stop. people rely on me. i rely on people. i must work. i must have meetings. i must go to school. i must see girlfriend. i must spend time with family. i must help upkeep the house. i must write and call people. i must travel places. i must coordinate events. i am only 17. fuck me. no time for these things. i want to relax.

[NewLeft]

I lost my 30GB usb key. Goodbye to all my essays.

[Lanky Wanker]

I lost my 30GB usb key. Goodbye to all my essays.

That's the beauty of doing 100% exam courses. :cool:

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm too depressed to do anything. I'll force myself to go to class, but that's about it.
i'm so cold and alone
but i say this all the time and am starting to think i'm annoying and whiny.

[Lobotomy]

I'm too depressed to do anything. I'll force myself to go to class, but that's about it.
i'm so cold and alone
but i say this all the time and am starting to think i'm annoying and whiny.

you're not annoying. you're probably a much braver person than I am actually.

[Lanky Wanker]

I'm too depressed to do anything. I'll force myself to go to class, but that's about it.
i'm so cold and alone
but i say this all the time and am starting to think i'm annoying and whiny.

Well, the purpose of the thread is to pour your heart out so I wouldn't worry about that lol. I don't mean this in a selfish way, but there's something comforting about hearing other people's problems on this thread.

[Decolonize The Left]

Today I put laces in my running shoes. I also smoked my last cigarette and am going to dedicate my life to healthy existence. I know it's possible because it's the way I used to be. I used to not do drugs. I used to regularly run five miles in a stretch. My fastest mile time was 4:58. I used to lift weights and got my weight up from 160 to 180. Switched gears and dropped the weight way back down when I was training muay thai. I think I'm going to go to school for English. I love reading and I love writing and very few other things keep my attention. I have to get my teeth fixed as it has gotten pretty bad. I have to go find a doc just to have in case of some minor emergency. Making this my reason to live instead of my reason to slowly kill myself is a bit overwhelming but I think I can manage.

Good for you Mari3L. Don't stop and don't look back. Keep us posted on your success so others can build off it for themselves!

- August

[Ostrinski]

It is only every once and a while that I remember what a broken heart truly feels like. It is something that I can't recollect by simply being reminded of the concept, but through reminiscing on the past, searching my memory, I remember the pain. Almost as if it has sensible characteristics, like taste or smell. The physical pain that accompanies the anguish becomes equally as vivid.

But the weird thing is that I have this strange feeling of nostalgia for that time. It was the worst year of my life, yet there's something I miss about it? Almost as if there is something left undone, as if part of me was left in that time. There is a sense of insecurity. A lack of closure. I lost someone very dear to me during this time, and I never had the chance to say goodbye. Or rather, it was taken from me. But that was over two years ago, and this particular person was only in my life for a little under a year, but she played a tremendous role in my life, in terms of helping me through all my afflictions. I became so attached to her that the sudden detachment created an open wound on my heart.

But why these nostalgic feelings? Is there any sort of emotional phenomenon that is characterized by yearning for a time when you were in pain?

[Leftsolidarity]

It is only every once and a while that I remember what a broken heart truly feels like. It is something that I can't recollect by simply being reminded of the concept, but through reminiscing on the past, searching my memory, I remember the pain. Almost as if it has sensible characteristics, like taste or smell. The physical pain that accompanies the anguish becomes equally as vivid.

But the weird thing is that I have this strange feeling of nostalgia for that time. It was the worst year of my life, yet there's something I miss about it? Almost as if there is something left undone, as if part of me was left in that time. There is a sense of insecurity. A lack of closure. I lost someone very dear to me during this time, and I never had the chance to say goodbye. Or rather, it was taken from me. But that was over two years ago, and this particular person was only in my life for a little under a year, but she played a tremendous role in my life, in terms of helping me through all my afflictions. I became so attached to her that the sudden detachment created an open wound on my heart.

But why these nostalgic feelings? Is there any sort of emotional phenomenon that is characterized by yearning for a time when you were in pain?

Strange that you say that. I have been having the same feelings for about 2 weeks now and I have not been able to understand them at all. I've been trying to ignore it.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

[edit]
Nevermind. I don't like the idea of giving out that much information on a forum ...

[black magick hustla]

im getting ripped brb when i can snap peoples necks with my pinky finger

[NewLeft]

I woke up at 9. Realized I had school, went back to bed.

[∞]

My nipples are very small. I want bigger nipples.

[Ostrinski]

[edit]
Nevermind. I don't like the idea of giving out that much information on a forum ...I read it last night. Quite the ordeal.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I had a great day, but now I'm feeling really twitchy and paranoid and I have no idea why.
people might notice and get mad at me if I can't put into words how I feel and why.

This and my psychology teacher almost made me cry when he was telling the class about one of the cases he's seen. I think I was the only one to be that affected. I care a lot about people, but it's a bit too much. i've never met him and never will, and I don't always care enough about people I actually know.

[PC LOAD LETTER]

I read it last night. Quite the ordeal.
I appreciate it, dude. I usually just don't think about any of it, and that usually works, but every once in a while I'm reminded of it all by something and it hits me all over again.

[Leftsolidarity]

I appreciate it, dude. I usually just don't think about any of it, and that usually works, but every once in a while I'm reminded of it all by something and it hits me all over again.

I actually had my screen saved on it and just read it. I found it very "touching". I don't know how I like that word but fuck it; that's the word I'm using.

[Lanky Wanker]

My nipples are very small. I want bigger nipples.

I feel your pain, comrade. :crying: We are the only ones with true worries in this thread.

[Landsharks eat metal]

I'm supposed to be writing a sociology paper right now, but all I can focus on is not killing myself. Pretty sure nothing's going to happen since I'm so scared I'm going to fuck it up or I will never be able to live on my own because maybe I'm a danger to myself and I don't know how to handle things. I'm so lonely I feel like I'm going to puke, and that feeling is always there no matter how happy I am. I have few friends nearby in real life, and I'm too scared to talk to them (and most of them either are kids or have kids, and the ones that aren't are at church so I can't be open about much.) I feel so alone all the time and I think people are mad at me for getting upset and feeling guilty about things. I just want to slit my wrists, but I don't think I have any blades that are sharp enough or I could overdose on something but I don't know what and that's so easy to screw up and the hospital is the last place I want to end up. I'm scared that I'm always going to come back to feeling this way, and I'm really tired of seeing people get angry or disappointed because of me. I wish I could just stop breathing right now and not have to worry about cutting deep enough or swallowing enough and just die before anybody notices.

[gorillafuck]

the more I know about psychology the more angry I get.

[Hermes]

the more I know about psychology the more angry I get.

Let's just stick these icepicks in and give the brain a good stir, that should do it.

or electroshock therapy.

Being docile is the prime indication of happiness.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Let's just stick these icepicks in and give the brain a good stir, that should do it.

or electroshock therapy.

Being docile is the prime indication of happiness.

da fok? :p:blink:

[Hermes]

da fok? :p:blink:

Lobotomies would be performed with two icepicks, wedged in on the sides of the eyes. The person who perfected the technique could do 25 of them in one day.

He once performed one on a woman who had just walked into his office. Right there in the office. I'm pretty sure there was nothing really wrong with her either.

(granted, it's not JUST giving the brain a stir, you're separating certain parts. Still it wasn't even that effective and people usually relapsed or got permanent damage)

[Kitty_Paine]

i get in too much trouble. when im actually at school. :rolleyes:

nah not actually. im pretty good at not getting in trouble. youve got to know how to talk to people right to get out of it easy.

I wish I had your charisma and way with people. Because, yes, I also get into trouble but... I'm not so lucky on the escape act. I get too heated and I never feel like talking just trying to justify myself instead... :p

You must teach me your ways

[Deicide]

somehow I always manage to surround myself with people I can't relate to.

My life in a nut shell.

[Pretty Flaco]

I wish I had your charisma and way with people. Because, yes, I also get into trouble but... I'm not so lucky on the escape act. I get too heated and I never feel like talking just trying to justify myself instead... :p

You must teach me your ways

just fuck shit up and then tell them the rap made you do it.

honestly it's really about just being able to start a conversation with people you don't know. usually from their response you can read them a bit and then find something appropriate to say from there. or just always try to be nice or friendly. even if you know you're in trouble act friendly and have manners. i know kids that'll get picked up by cops and they'll be like "FUCK YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT FUCK PIGS" and ill just be sitting back there chillin. why? because it'll make my life a lot easier. you're stuck in a cage with a tiger and you fucking hate tigers. you slap it in the face? no. you're just setting yourself up to get fucked.

[∞]

Seriously, my nipples are maybe a little bit bigger than a dime in diameter.

[NewLeft]

Seriously, my nipples are maybe a little bit bigger than a dime in diameter.

I forgot I had nipples.

[Ostrinski]

I'm supposed to be writing a sociology paper right now, but all I can focus on is not killing myself. Pretty sure nothing's going to happen since I'm so scared I'm going to fuck it up or I will never be able to live on my own because maybe I'm a danger to myself and I don't know how to handle things. I'm so lonely I feel like I'm going to puke, and that feeling is always there no matter how happy I am. I have few friends nearby in real life, and I'm too scared to talk to them (and most of them either are kids or have kids, and the ones that aren't are at church so I can't be open about much.) I feel so alone all the time and I think people are mad at me for getting upset and feeling guilty about things. I just want to slit my wrists, but I don't think I have any blades that are sharp enough or I could overdose on something but I don't know what and that's so easy to screw up and the hospital is the last place I want to end up. I'm scared that I'm always going to come back to feeling this way, and I'm really tired of seeing people get angry or disappointed because of me. I wish I could just stop breathing right now and not have to worry about cutting deep enough or swallowing enough and just die before anybody notices.You need to relax. Forget about the paper. It looks to me as if you start having bad thoughts and you let them escalate into a slippery slope until you are panicking. I have the same problem. Just drop what you're doing, take a deep breath. Rationalize the situation. You don't have many friends? So what, most people in your town are probably shitheads anyway.

It seems as though you don't really want to kill yourself but that you see it as the only solution to your loneliness. But you wouldn't have posted this unless you trusted some of this board's posters enough to share this with them. The fact that you have that comfort should show you that your perception is false. We like having you around here. Don't do anything rash. Take things slow. Don't think about being lonely for the rest of your life or anything like that, that will just make you panic more. Just take it one day at a time. Occupy yourself with stuff.

Comedy/stuff that makes me laugh always helped me through periods of crisis. Don't underestimate the power of humor.

Have you looked into joining the Wobblies yet?

[Lanky Wanker]

This is how you make lifelong msn buddies. :D

[Landsharks eat metal]

Have you looked into joining the Wobblies yet?
I'm working on it. I'm hoping to join at this coming Sunday's meeting, but someone else will need to drive me to it since my parents won't let me drive on my own (even though I have my license now) and my parents probably won't drive me (I haven't mentioned me joining yet. When I broached the subject of unions with them, they just made fun of me.) So... looks like I'm going to be getting a ride with a complete stranger, and I can't just randomly disappear or I'll get in trouble. That's going to be a big issue because my parents think I am too trusting and naive.

Also, shit. I seriously need to learn from my mistakes. Did I honestly think trying to cut myself with tweezers was going to turn out any better than when I used nail scissors?

[Pretty Flaco]

ive been told i have very small nipples

[Lanky Wanker]

ive been told i have very small nipples

Poor Landsharks eat metal is going through a tough time and all we're doing is interrupting with nipple conversation. I feel bad.

[∞]

Poor Landsharks eat metal is going through a tough time and all we're doing is interrupting with nipple conversation. I feel bad.

Hey, having small nipples is permanent.

[GoddessCleoLover]

Cutting is a serious cry for help, and I hope that Landshark's parents (isn't at least one a college prof?) help Landshark get some help.

[Salyut]

I'm apartment hunting again. I don't think I can live with my current roommates.

[gorillafuck]

Cutting is a serious cry for help, and I hope that Landshark's parents (isn't at least one a college prof?) help Landshark get some help.yeah, but not necessarily. someone can cut them self but not let other people know.

[Crux]

I want sex that is like a drug, I want drugs that are like sex. I want a permanent weekend.

[Искра]

I wanna cut myself with razor blades.

[Lanky Wanker]

Oh we are a depressing bunch of fuckers, I can say that much.

[Crux]

Oh we are a depressing bunch of fuckers, I can say that much.
If you couldn't tell from my last comment I am probably really depressed. I need a bag full of distraction.

[Landsharks eat metal]

Cutting is a serious cry for help, and I hope that Landshark's parents (isn't at least one a college prof?) help Landshark get some help.


The problem is that I already have help. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, but I don't always feel comfortable talking about how I feel with them. It's better with my psychiatrist than the old one I had, but sometimes I say I'm okay when I'm not so I won't have to go to so many goddamn appointments (and I might have to get a new one soon because my current one is having health problems.) With my therapist, things were good, but then she moved, so I have a new one I've only seen about 4 times now. And I don't let my parents know how I'm feeling because I feel guilty about it and I know they'll use it against me if I want to do something they don't approve of, that I'm not thinking straight or whatever.

Yes, my mother is a college professor, and she's generally more supportive than my father, but that almost makes it worse to try to talk to her about things. A lot of times, she has been the only one on my side, and I don't want to lose that, but if I take the path I want to in life, I will (maybe gaining more allies in the process, but I don't know.) I broached the subject of the IWW with her and she was kind of dismissive at first and saying it's stupid because I'm not currently a worker, but she wouldn't try to stop me from going, as long as I found some place to have another member pick me up to bring me rather than the house (I could walk 3 miles to the nearby middle school.)

But she's going to California to visit her parents, so I'll be home alone with my dad. He could try to stop me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet. Besides, I'm always really nervous to be alone at home with him. He's never hurt me physically beyond slapping me and grabbing me by the head, but when he's angry with me (which happens a lot), he doesn't seem to be in control. There's a neighbor who has told me I can come to her house any time I need to get away, but I'd feel guilty taking advantage of it.

The conversation with my mom made me feel like shit. She gave me one of those emotional speeches about how she doesn't think I actually take any time to think before I just dive into doing/believing something... and she had to bring my gender identity into it. She says that I just have a skewed view of things because of my Asperger's and that I can somehow stop being transgender and an anarchist for a while, deal with the Asperger's (I don't know, maybe magically make everything go away) and then I can fix everything else.

So I have no idea how anything can ever turn out good.

[Lanky Wanker]

If you couldn't tell from my last comment I am probably really depressed. I need a bag full of distraction.

I take it there's no good sex or drugs available to you at the moment then? Microwaved banana skin and some DIY codeine could help.