Stalin/misc. political figure jokes

[Thirsty Crow]

Since fivefivefive (say it five times!!) closed the poets' corner thread dedicated to Stalin, I'm openin a new one, but this time it's jokes, and no worries, there's no NKVD to restrict you from producing jokes involving other political figures.

Which heavy metal band would Stalin hate the most?

Grave Digger.


Your turn! :D

[PC LOAD LETTER]

http://www.revleft.com/vb/showpost.php?p=2341750&postcount=2

[GallowsBird]

All credit to whoever told them first:


Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all travelling together in a railway carriage, when unexpectedly the train stopped. Stalin put his head out of the window and shouted, "Shoot the driver!" But the train didn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouted, "Rehabilitate the driver!" But it still didn't move. Brezhnev then said, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and let's pretend we're moving!"


A flock of sheep were stopped by frontier guards at the Russo-Finnish border. "Why do you wish to leave Russia?" the guards asked them. "It's the NKVD", replied the terrified sheep. "Beria's ordered them to arrest all elephants." "But you aren't elephants!" the guards pointed out. "Try telling that to the NKVD!"



"Grandma, was Lenin good?" asks the grandson.
"Of course, grandson, he was good," replies the grandmother.
"And Stalin, grandma, was bad?" asks the grandson.
"Bad, of course," replies the grandmother.
"And Khruschev, grandma, what's he?" asks the grandson.
"When he dies, we'll know," replies the grandmother.


And THE classic:

After a meeting Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can't find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police.
"I'd give anything to find my pipe" he says.
Beria leaves the room in search of the pipe.
After a few minutes Stalin finds his pipe behind his desk.
"Look, I've found my pipe." He tells Beria.
"Ah," says Beria, "I had apprehended ten. five have been shot after admitting they took your pipe, and the other five died during questioning."

[ColonelCossack]

^lol

[GoddessCleoLover]

The top three are jokes from the Soviet era. The little story on the bottom in red ink contains nothing I can discern as funny, although it is a telling commentary on the times I suppose.

[GallowsBird]

The top three are jokes from the Soviet era.

Yes, they are. I am not sure who told them first though.


The little story on the bottom in red ink contains nothing I can discern as funny, although it is a telling commentary on the times I suppose.

I guess it depends on how morbid your sense of humour is and what you believe in regards to the Soviet Union in Stalin's era. I always take it as a spoof of all the Anti-Stalinist propaganda tales popular in the Western media. Even so forms of it are the most iconic and it seems to have originated with Yakolev or Zhdanov... I think it shows things can't be that bad if you were allowed to make jokes about them but that is just me.

Here is another joke I remember hearing, to lighten the mood:

Stalin was giving a speech on how important human life is to the Soviet Union. Suddenly, a cough is heard.
"Who is coughing?" Asks Stalin sternly.
There is a silence.
"Who coughed?" he asks again.
Still no one spoke.
"Okay, call in the NKVD." He told Beria.
The NKVD fill the room; weapons drawn.
"Who coughed?" Stalin asks.
A small man at the back of the room raises his hand.
"That is a bad cough you have, comrade." says Stalin to the man "You should go to the hospital at once!"

[DDR]

It is really a shame here in revleft that none, none, has put a video of Ronald Reagand telling soviet era jokes as an answer to that!

To fix it:

mN3z3eSVG7A

[GoddessCleoLover]

Actually this thread makes an important political point, even if the USSR could survive the hatred of the international capitalists, these jokes indicate a level of internal ridicule and cynicism than can be devastating to the hegemony of any ruling class.

[Susurrus]

A communist dies and goes to hell. The devil is showing him around when he spots Hitler, head-down, waist deep in boiling manure. Beside him is Stalin, waist deep in the same stuff, but with his lower half submerged. The communist asked "Why is Comrade Stalin waist deep there?" The devil answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

[GoddessCleoLover]

That joke is quite harsh with respect to Lenin. It will be interesting to see how it is received hereabouts.

[Susurrus]

Stalin dies and isn't sure if he wants to go to heaven or hell, so he tours each. In heaven, he sees people in prayers, and quiet meditation. In hell, he sees people eating, drinking, dancing, and generally having a good time, so he opts for hell. He is led down a labyrinth of corridors until he comes to a room full of boiling oil, where several devils grab him and pull him towards it. Stalin protests, saying this isn't at all what he was shown.
"That," says the Devil, "was just propaganda."

[Susurrus]

That joke is quite harsh with respect to Lenin. It will be interesting to see how it is received hereabouts.

It's based off the old Soviet slogan saying that Comrade Stalin is standing on Comrade Lenin's shoulders, rather than any particular misgiving about Lenin.

[GoddessCleoLover]

Thanks for explaining the Lenin/Stalin joke, and thanks in particular for the propaganda joke. That one is my favorite.

[Susurrus]

What were Mayakovsky's last words before his suicide?
"Comrades, don't shoot!"

-------

Is Marxism-Leninism a science?
No, if it was they would've tested it on animals first.

-------

What is the difference between Stalin and Roosevelt?
Roosevelt collects the jokes people tell about him, and Stalin collects the people who tell jokes about him.

[GoddessCleoLover]

I recall hearing the Roosevelt joke before. The one about the so-called scientific nature of Marxism-Leninism is quite sharp.

[Susurrus]

After the October Revolution, God sends three observers into Russia: St. Luke, St. George, and St. Peter. They send him three telegrams:
"I've fallen into the hands of the Cheka, please help.-St. Luke"
"The cheka have found me, save me Lord.-St. George"
"All's well. Doing fine.- Cheka Superintendent Petrov"

[GoddessCleoLover]

Sounds like the last one might have originated with Dzherzhinsky as an lesson to the Soviet people about the omnipresence of the Cheka.

[Susurrus]

This one is allegedly true:
The opera singer Ivan Kozlovsky was giving a private performance at the Kremlin. Members of the Politburo were all shouting for him to sing this song or that song. Kozlovsky was unsure of what to do, so finally Stalin says, "Let's not put Comrade Kozlovsky under any pressure, gentlemen; let him sing what he wants." Stalin pauses for a moment, then continues "And I think he wants to sing Lensky's aria from Onegin."

[GoddessCleoLover]

I suppose that is why they called Stalin "the boss".

[Susurrus]

A man knocks on the door of his neighbor's apartment: "Quick, quick, get up, get dressed!" Inside he hears screams of fear. "Don't worry, it's nothing serious!" He shouts through the door. "I'm not the NKVD, it's just that the building is on fire!"

[Susurrus]

Will there still be a police force when we have achieved full communism?
No, by then people will arrest themselves.

[Susurrus]

Who discovered the electric razor?
It was discovered by Ivan Petrovitch Sidorov... in the dustbin behind the American Embassy.

----

A judge emerges from his chambers nearly collapsing from laughter.
"What's so funny?" Asks another judge.
"I just heard the funniest joke I've ever heard in my life."
"Well, tell it to me."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"I just gave a man five years in the Gulag for it."

[El Chuncho]

Despite my ideology, I have always found this funny:

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed? " At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"

[¿Que?]

http://www.memecreator.org/static/images/memes/12075.jpg

What do you guys think, too horrible? No resemblance?