Ocean Seal
19th January 2012, 21:40
I know that reddit isn't exactly reliable, considering this was an IAMA, but I thought that the story might be of some use here.
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/omfx/i_was_an_intelligence_analyst_involved_in_the/ (http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/omfxk/i_was_an_intelligence_analyst_involved_in_the/)
I'm a killer.
There isn't any nice way to put that, and this is a throwaway account because I don't want to mess up my real account because I find it helpful to me. But I feel like some of you need to know the truth. The truth about what happens to young people in the military, what happens to people in war, what happens when you can't escape the simple fact that your actions lead to the deaths of people that didn't deserve it.
A lot of guys in the military have it easy. Well, not really easy, it is never easy to take the life of another human being, but when that person is aiming a weapon at you or ready to set off an IED that will kill you or your friends, its a great deal simpler. No, what I did, what I did is more complicated than that, and that is the real problem, the complications. So easy to be removed from an act when you don't actually pull a trigger or give an order. No, all I did was arrange the information and hand it off to those whose job it is to implement such things. I was an intelligence analyst. I was asked for information and I provided it. Where will these people be located? When is the best time, where is the best place to hit the building? How should we go about killing those people?
That's what I did. I analyzed. I examined. I decided. Others set the actions in motion. Actions that resulted in death. Not just combatants. But frightened civilians. Civilians that got their job from a high placed relative to clean an office building. Civilians that were told to hide in a building that was safe, never knowing that it was right above a command and control center. A legitimate target. Collateral damage. What a funny phrase, collateral damage, doesn't really mean anything until you see a burned and bloody mother holding up the crisped remains of her child on CNN.
I envy those I know that engaged in combat. Those that had to shoot someone pointing a weapon at them. Kill or be killed, that is very simple. Sure is can fuck you up, I know from talking to some of them that it will never leave their minds. Others it is just like so much water off a duck's back. Had to be done, a shame, but it was him or me. I don't have that luxury. I didn't pull a trigger or give an order, but those people's deaths are on me just a clearly as if I had set judgment over them as some kind of god of war. They died there at that time, because I decreed it. Mostly innocent, mostly unsuspecting and certainly undeserved. They died because of observation and decision I made, and I got to see the whole thing live on CNN.
So ask me anything. Condemn me, console me, tell me I was just following orders, doing my duty. Tell me I was no better than the Nazi's and Neurenburg. I've heard it all before. I stuffed these memories down as far as I could, for as long as I could, but in the end my guilt overwhelmed me. I suffer from PTSD, I can hardly go out in public, I can't face normal people and I can hardly live with the things I've done. But I'm getting treatment, I really am try to face the horrible things that I've done. I don't know if this will help, but maybe it will help some of you understand that cost of war, any war, has on our young people. Ask me anything. I'll answer as best and honestly as I can without revealing national secrets.
I don't apologize for anything. I did my duty. I kept my oaths. I just hope some other people might get a sense of what that means.
Mods have verified my service and AFS
Edit: Wow, that was a lot more than I expected. Sorry for all of those I didn't get to answer. Thanks for everyone for your questions and comments, even the harsh ones had their place so don't go down voting them. A lot of them are legitimate gripes and I can't say I don't deserve it.
All I can say is that this has been very cathartic for me, and useful in ways I'm not sure I understand yet. I've never really been open about my issues and just laying it out there is just another step on my path. Thanks again, guys, you've been great, and I'll try to answer more tommorow
Maybe this strikes a blow against what the US always says about having the best information out there and always doing whats right instead putting forth a more materially guided view.
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/omfx/i_was_an_intelligence_analyst_involved_in_the/ (http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/omfxk/i_was_an_intelligence_analyst_involved_in_the/)
I'm a killer.
There isn't any nice way to put that, and this is a throwaway account because I don't want to mess up my real account because I find it helpful to me. But I feel like some of you need to know the truth. The truth about what happens to young people in the military, what happens to people in war, what happens when you can't escape the simple fact that your actions lead to the deaths of people that didn't deserve it.
A lot of guys in the military have it easy. Well, not really easy, it is never easy to take the life of another human being, but when that person is aiming a weapon at you or ready to set off an IED that will kill you or your friends, its a great deal simpler. No, what I did, what I did is more complicated than that, and that is the real problem, the complications. So easy to be removed from an act when you don't actually pull a trigger or give an order. No, all I did was arrange the information and hand it off to those whose job it is to implement such things. I was an intelligence analyst. I was asked for information and I provided it. Where will these people be located? When is the best time, where is the best place to hit the building? How should we go about killing those people?
That's what I did. I analyzed. I examined. I decided. Others set the actions in motion. Actions that resulted in death. Not just combatants. But frightened civilians. Civilians that got their job from a high placed relative to clean an office building. Civilians that were told to hide in a building that was safe, never knowing that it was right above a command and control center. A legitimate target. Collateral damage. What a funny phrase, collateral damage, doesn't really mean anything until you see a burned and bloody mother holding up the crisped remains of her child on CNN.
I envy those I know that engaged in combat. Those that had to shoot someone pointing a weapon at them. Kill or be killed, that is very simple. Sure is can fuck you up, I know from talking to some of them that it will never leave their minds. Others it is just like so much water off a duck's back. Had to be done, a shame, but it was him or me. I don't have that luxury. I didn't pull a trigger or give an order, but those people's deaths are on me just a clearly as if I had set judgment over them as some kind of god of war. They died there at that time, because I decreed it. Mostly innocent, mostly unsuspecting and certainly undeserved. They died because of observation and decision I made, and I got to see the whole thing live on CNN.
So ask me anything. Condemn me, console me, tell me I was just following orders, doing my duty. Tell me I was no better than the Nazi's and Neurenburg. I've heard it all before. I stuffed these memories down as far as I could, for as long as I could, but in the end my guilt overwhelmed me. I suffer from PTSD, I can hardly go out in public, I can't face normal people and I can hardly live with the things I've done. But I'm getting treatment, I really am try to face the horrible things that I've done. I don't know if this will help, but maybe it will help some of you understand that cost of war, any war, has on our young people. Ask me anything. I'll answer as best and honestly as I can without revealing national secrets.
I don't apologize for anything. I did my duty. I kept my oaths. I just hope some other people might get a sense of what that means.
Mods have verified my service and AFS
Edit: Wow, that was a lot more than I expected. Sorry for all of those I didn't get to answer. Thanks for everyone for your questions and comments, even the harsh ones had their place so don't go down voting them. A lot of them are legitimate gripes and I can't say I don't deserve it.
All I can say is that this has been very cathartic for me, and useful in ways I'm not sure I understand yet. I've never really been open about my issues and just laying it out there is just another step on my path. Thanks again, guys, you've been great, and I'll try to answer more tommorow
Maybe this strikes a blow against what the US always says about having the best information out there and always doing whats right instead putting forth a more materially guided view.