Joys of parenthood. the things they say and do.

[MotherCossack]

ok. so thought i might start a thread for parents to share funny stories and embarrassing ones. Or for that matter any thing about the miles of trials that you face when embarking on the epic crusade to .....
firstly....make tiny little ones,
then... care for and protect little ones...
thirdly...show them and teach them.
fourthly... persevere...practise unconditional love, no matter what the little clever dick, smart arse, hormonal teenager, throws at you.
[by the way, i have found this section to be easily the toughest....and it is when the parent is most likely to
a. falter.
b. become tearful and doubt own ability.
c. experience recurring urges to run away and hide.
d. notice a worryingly overpowering desire to scream and/or laugh often when most inappropriate.
e. in the most extreme cases.... the will to live is even temporarily compromised... although this is rare and usually passes surprisingly quickly.]

and that, i suppose is as far as i have got, so far...

what d'you lot reckon?
I've got a load of stories.... kids never fail to entertain and infuriate...in equal measure...
so... anyone interested...

[¿Que?]

Most people on this site are, what, like 16 or 17. If any of them have kids, it's notwithstanding the various social programs set up to prevent it.

And me, well, all I have is a cat.

[MotherCossack]

well you know what... that is exactly what i first thought when the kernal first began posting full time.
when i started, i wouldn't say that my view changed, exactly.... more that i started to suspect that there might be 1or 2 old farts, or rather ageing farts, skulking in the shadows, in amongst the pristinely youthful upstarts.

anyway... what the hell... when you lot hear some of the hilarious one-liners and bizarre escapades that i am itching to share with you..[that is if i haven't forgotten what they are, or even worse forgotten that i can't remember what they are....oh... the trials of increasing age... the degradation...]

anyway.........where.... oh yes.... i reckon that even if i'm the only lefty on rev left old enough to have a bunch of kids, some of you will still be amused by what other youngsters get up to (i.e. mine. the kernal being the oldest.)
isnt it a universal kind of humour? i think so.

[Ele'ill]

Do the explosive poops during diaper changes count as 'the things they say'? The explosive poop is the riot which is the voice of the perpetually unheard?

I take this back because the late night cryings around this time were replaced by joyous laughter when we'd wake up startled and look at her in the crib. We heard those.

[¿Que?]

well you know what... that is exactly what i first thought when the kernal first began posting full time.
when i started, i wouldn't say that my view changed, exactly.... more that i started to suspect that there might be 1or 2 old farts, or rather ageing farts, skulking in the shadows, in amongst the pristinely youthful upstarts.

anyway... what the hell... when you lot hear some of the hilarious one-liners and bizarre escapades that i am itching to share with you..[that is if i haven't forgotten what they are, or even worse forgotten that i can't remember what they are....oh... the trials of increasing age... the degradation...]

anyway.........where.... oh yes.... i reckon that even if i'm the only lefty on rev left old enough to have a bunch of kids, some of you will still be amused by what other youngsters get up to (i.e. mine. the kernal being the oldest.)
isnt it a universal kind of humour? i think so.
Oh please do share, but keep in mind, no one is cuter than my nephews. And the older one has gotten to say some pretty hilarious things...

[Agent Ducky]

You think kids say funny things? Try parents. My mom thought Skyrim was a basketball game. She is a boss.

[¿Que?]

You think kids say funny things? Try parents. My mom thought Skyrim was a basketball game. She is a boss.
Well, it's a generational thing. I have no idea what Skyrim is except that it is a video game. Have no idea what kind or what it's about. But that's just because I'm not really a gamer of any sort.

[black magick hustla]

Do the explosive poops during diaper changes count as 'the things they say'? The explosive poop is the riot which is the voice of the perpetually unheard?

I take this back because the late night cryings around this time were replaced by joyous laughter when we'd wake up startled and look at her in the crib. We heard those.

woah are u a mom

[dodger]

What do you do to stop a 4yr old girl from dropping plastic rubbish into the sceptic tank overflow. I get the job of unblocking it every other day. YUK! Losing what little self control I possess and provoked beyond human endurance. I decided to wage war on her. To lie in wait using the hammock as cover. Being 6.2ins, rougher than a bear's arse, and a London Tube drivers finess, I thought the contest unequal and literally in the bag. Sure enough the time of conflict arrived, the battle was about to begin. Beaverlike she set about blocking the overflow with plastics, I silently left the hammock and crept up behind her hoping surprise would give me the psychological advantage. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" An Old Testament Prophet could not have been more righteous. Turning only briefly to acknowledge my presence she continued with her labours. Lacking intelligence to put forward a cogent, reasoned argument, I did the next best thing, I repeated in a louder voice "What the hell,,,,,," This time she turned to face me, "Why are you shouting at me?" Answering a question with another question. Two can play at that game! "Why in the lord's name should I not shout at you?" HA--beat that!!..."You shouldn't shout at me because I am PREGNANT!!"..."Don't scream at girls, when they get pregnant!!" "I am having a baby." It's a wise man who knows when he has been whipped. Summoning up as much dignity as I could in the circumstances, I retreated to the hammock. The better to scheme and plot my next move--- A metal grate sits atop the overflow....now...... ....HAHAHA!!!! HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, LAUGHS LONGEST!!

DODGER is not going to be 'bested' by a bloody 4yr old, not going to happen.

Particularly a certain little 4 yr old girl.....little madam.

[Искра]

I'll have a kid in about few months. But I don't care... he's not my problem.

[Ele'ill]

woah are u a mom


Excellent question

[Revolutionair]

I'll have a kid in about few months. But I don't care... he's not my problem.

Say what? :confused:

[Misanthrope]

I never want to bring another being into this cruel, depressing world.

[ColonelCossack]

What do you do to stop a 4yr old girl from dropping plastic rubbish into the sceptic tank overflow. I get the job of unblocking it every other day. YUK! Losing what little self control I possess and provoked beyond human endurance. I decided to wage war on her. To lie in wait using the hammock as cover. Being 6.2ins, rougher than a bear's arse, and a London Tube drivers finess, I thought the contest unequal and literally in the bag. Sure enough the time of conflict arrived, the battle was about to begin. Beaverlike she set about blocking the overflow with plastics, I silently left the hammock and crept up behind her hoping surprise would give me the psychological advantage. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" An Old Testament Prophet could not have been more righteous. Turning only briefly to acknowledge my presence she continued with her labours. Lacking intelligence to put forward a cogent, reasoned argument, I did the next best thing, I repeated in a louder voice "What the hell,,,,,," This time she turned to face me, "Why are you shouting at me?" Answering a question with another question. Two can play at that game! "Why in the lord's name should I not shout at you?" HA--beat that!!..."You shouldn't shout at me because I am PREGNANT!!"..."Don't scream at girls, when they get pregnant!!" "I am having a baby." It's a wise man who knows when he has been whipped. Summoning up as much dignity as I could in the circumstances, I retreated to the hammock. The better to scheme and plot my next move--- A metal grate sits atop the overflow....now...... ....HAHAHA!!!! HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, LAUGHS LONGEST!!

DODGER is not going to be 'bested' by a bloody 4yr old, not going to happen.

Particularly a certain little 4 yr old girl.....little madam.

You should make your posts make sense.

Actually, scratch that. Your incoherent posting makes me laugh.

[PhoenixAsh]

So...this is when and where we get to hear all the embarassing stories about the little colonel. Well, well....I was wondering when we would get to those :) :) :)

Do share!! :)

[Fawkes]

I'll have a kid in about few months. But I don't care... he's not my problem.

this better be a fucking joke

[Nox]

I cheated on my girlfriend last night so I should have a kid soon.

[Искра]

this better be a fucking joke
qJG9EZF2wJg

[MotherCossack]

You think kids say funny things? Try parents. My mom thought Skyrim was a basketball game. She is a boss.

yeah! i can certainly see mileage in the potty parent angle.
ooh yes... in fact i have already begun the transformation, from responsible, nurturing, wholesome, soft and bossomy.......,( STOP... while i piss my pants at this hilarious fantastical and err... on the inaccurate side ..., description of the kernal's moother, MEEEEEE!)
where was i..... oh yeah... planning strategy.... ......bossomy, perfect parent to slightly dotty, amusing but in a non-offensive, polite way, you know the kind of thing, all very acceptable........and middle-class!

no i thought i might.... Take it to the next level!!!!
HA!!!!!!HA!!!!!!!HA!!!!!
You have been warned.... you evil teenage meanies!!!!!
I have ways of making you pay!!!!{EVIL LAUGH}

Oh ...sorry. i Forgot to tell all the kernal' embarrassing silly willy stories.... and the clever clogs girlie ones.... [1 kernal + 3 great dames=the cossack clan]
but i will ... as soon as i have outsmarted the bogey-post-man-
AAhh!! i have to post... quick... before its too late...

[ColonelCossack]

yeah! i can mileage in the potty parent angle.
ooh yes... in fact i have already begun the transformation, from responsible, nurturing, wholesome, soft and bossomy.......,( STOP... while i piss my pants at this hilarious fantastical and err... on the inaccurate side ..., description of the kernal's moother, MEEEEEE!)
where was i..... oh yeah... planning strategy.... ......bossomy, perfect parent to slightly dotty, amusing but in a non-offensive, polite way, you know the kind of thing, all very acceptable........and middle-class!

no i thought i might.... Take it to the next level!!!!
HA!!!!!!HA!!!!!!!HA!!!!!
You have been warned.... you evil teenage meanies!!!!!
I have ways of making you pay!!!!{EVIL LAUGH}

Oh ...sorry. i Forgot to tell all the kernal' embarrassing silly willy stories.... and the clever clogs girlie ones.... [1 kernal + 3 great dames=the cossack clan]
but i will ... as soon as i have outsmarted the bogey-post-man-
AAhh!! i have to post... quick... before its too late...

Is it possible to understand this if you don't live with us?

[ColonelCossack]

And me, well, all I have is a cat.

What funny stuff has it said?

[TheGodlessUtopian]

I never want to bring another being into this cruel, depressing world.

Unfortunate,one less communist to spread the revolution.

[MotherCossack]

just a quickie...
when my little goddess the first cossackess (who is currently my sometime arch enemy and saboteur extraordinaire) was a small, bundle of stubborn honesty [about5] . she came into the bathroom, when i was taking a bath. -something that she did on occasion.

she looked straight at me and after a short pause she announced;
'Mummy, you smell nice, like chips. then she added , 'and you look like chips too."
"i like chips!"
i was touched

[piet11111]

The worst thing about little kids is the time they start climbing on everything all the time.

Never been so nervous when my little nieces would come over and i was left babysitting.

[ComradeGrant]

My four year old cousin was raised to call me Dee Dee because my brother couldn't pronounce my real name when we were little and called me that and it was apparently adorable. Well someone called my by my real name and she perfectly pronounced it in telling them that my name was Dee Dee and not what they had said.

[00000000000]

My lil feller is only 9 months old so the only stories relate to crying, pooing and teething. He's is a terrible flirt though, smiling and cocking his head at any woman that stops and coos at him.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

lol... when I was little I couldn't pronounce my brother's name so I just called him the first thing that came out of my mouth when I tried to pronounce his name: Buba. :cool:

[dodger]

Making patronizing conversation or small talk, with children of any age, is a minefield. My 4yr old grand-daughter, looked down in the dumps, cranky and ill humoured. To buck her up I said it was a school holiday and I was taking all the kids to the pool, with burger afterwards. "I can't go", I asked why not? She replied "My menstruations have started!!" Not wishing to add further drama, I told her they would probably be finished by the time we got into town. She agreed to come with us and pleased not to have turned a drama into a crises, I smiled benignly thinking to have got the last word in for a change. She drifted off only to turn and tell me in no uncertain terms she would not swim if they had not ceased. I nodded sagely. " I don't want to turn the water red!!" Her last comment on the subject........No I thought, no girl whatever size wants to do that, not at all.

I have always tried to watch my tongue in front of children. Particularly my foul language, both sailor and train driver, a bad habit. It proves one thing if not already aware, children see and hear everything, and are likely to repeat same at any moment, not necessarily of your choosing.

Still we had a good day by the pool, the subject was completely forgotten. My own mothers voice still rings in my ears "Can we talk about something different, dear !" Dead pigeons with maggots in, I, discovered were not fit subjects for the dinner table......

[MotherCossack]

My lil feller is only 9 months old so the only stories relate to crying, pooing and teething. He's is a terrible flirt though, smiling and cocking his head at any woman that stops and coos at him.

aahhhh!! that is sooooo cute!!
let me tell ya mate...
You have got it all ahead of you!!
and... have fun with that...
no... really... i am dead jealous... and am smiling as i type at the thought of all the fun times you are gonna have...
them lot with no woozles....
[cossack-speak: def. affectionate term to describe small, adorable, unspoilt, unfinished human child] ...
they do not have any idea what they are missing. its like a known fact... the human race is made up of two main groups:
1. parents.. (who know the deal)
2 everyone else (from whom the deal is concealed.)

as far as i can tell, this arrangement is universally applicable....
no-one, without off-spring,can know quite how epic parenthood is. you cannot really grab it until it grabs you ... you make/invent/ create/concoct a brand new speciperson [alt. specimen]....
and.... BANG!... you get it ... why we do what we do... it explains
e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g-! All the unconnected, random, confusing, scary, awful, bizarre and, at times, overwhelming shit in your world sort of hits the floor in a crazy, but broadly comprehensible ,naturally chaotic and wonderful pattern.....HEY....
-I JUST DISCOVERED THE MEANING OF LIFE.... BLAD!

-HELLOOOOOO..?.. the...meaning? ....of....life?...erm... well... E-X-C-U-S-E- M-E-!
i am some butters fish wiv my big ideas and inflated ego! innit bro!

omg! O M G!!!
the bogey post monster.... AAHHH!!!
quick gotta post... ahhh!
back anon.. byeeee...

[Misanthrope]

Unfortunate,one less communist to spread the revolution.

>implying my son/daughter won't be Hitler 2.0 or just another average American.



lol... when I was little I couldn't pronounce my brother's name so I just called him the first thing that came out of my mouth when I tried to pronounce his name: Buba. :cool:


I wouldn't be sane without my older brother. Brothers are definitely the best, older ones at least lol. I have a little brother that is quite the capitalist... he sells things for "profit" on ebay and dabbles in the stock market. He's 14..

[Obs]

Okay dude dodger you're seriously starting to creep me the hell out.

[dodger]

Okay dude dodger you're seriously starting to creep me the hell out.

A family living in a bamboo hut one bed 3 kids. Monkey sees....monkey does....

Monkey hears...monkey repeats. I'm merely a retired train driver OBS, not anything fancy. Not a sociologist. Just telling like it is. The people here don't get creeped out, even with 500 yrs of Catholicism. Not by what comes out of the mouths of children, at least. My grand daughter just as easily picks up the discarded witches broom twice her size and sweeps up. 2mins later she discards the broom, spying a old yoghurt carton fills it up with water and waters her gran's plants. Then my peace is broken, my hammock is in the middle of their; 'Sari-Sari store', I am booted out ,some friends appear. They cut out leaves in the shape of fishes.put it on display along with dud batteries. Empty sweet boxes and wrappers. They dust the shop. They pour an invisible cup of coffee and serve it to me. The older one notes the price in a book. I give her a peso, she gives it back'as change'. 1/2 hour of playing shopkeeper and the older girls start playing basket ball. It is religion here. The odd student on the way to college drops his bag and has fun with them. That is my morning, the mothers come back from the market and I go off for a shower. My morning. Luckily I missed the dancing, somebody switched on a mobile and they all called me down to dance. Not likely. They were forever dragging me away from a book or out of the hammock to dance with them. One day I said, ask one of the students to join you, they're younger than me. They said we like your dancing the best. The 6yr old chimed in yes, because you dance just like a queer(bayut)!!........Yes, Yes Yes you do, just like a queer, fantastic, came the chorus.
Now that did creep me the hell out.Obs.

[TheGodlessUtopian]

>implying my son/daughter won't be Hitler 2.0 or just another average American.

They won't,not if you rise them to be militantly anti-fascist.


I wouldn't be sane without my older brother. Brothers are definitely the best, older ones at least lol. I have a little brother that is quite the capitalist... he sells things for "profit" on ebay and dabbles in the stock market. He's 14..Very,I have gotten a lot from my older brother: my love for video games,humor and even some social graces.He had a very large impact on my life.

[Agent Ducky]

They won't,not if you rise them to be militantly anti-fascist.

You can only "raise" kids in an ideology so far. When they get older, it's really up to their own decision. A lot of kids who are raised religious reject it when they get older. I was raised a militant hippie liberal reformist, and I went radical on their asses....

also: Stories about little kids:

My little 7-year-old cousin is a little psychopath. He likes games in which he gets to lob projectiles/shoot Nerf guns/swing objects at people on his own rules (i.e. You can't cross this line but I can, you have to stop shooting when I yell time out, etc.) And if you cross him, he throws huge Tonka helicopters among other toys at your head. Just great.

[Obs]

A family living in a bamboo hut one bed 3 kids. Monkey sees....monkey does....

Monkey hears...monkey repeats. I'm merely a retired train driver OBS, not anything fancy. Not a sociologist. Just telling like it is. The people here don't get creeped out, even with 500 yrs of Catholicism. Not by what comes out of the mouths of children, at least. My grand daughter just as easily picks up the discarded witches broom twice her size and sweeps up. 2mins later she discards the broom, spying a old yoghurt carton fills it up with water and waters her gran's plants. Then my peace is broken, my hammock is in the middle of their; 'Sari-Sari store', I am booted out ,some friends appear. They cut out leaves in the shape of fishes.put it on display along with dud batteries. Empty sweet boxes and wrappers. They dust the shop. They pour an invisible cup of coffee and serve it to me. The older one notes the price in a book. I give her a peso, she gives it back'as change'. 1/2 hour of playing shopkeeper and the older girls start playing basket ball. It is religion here. The odd student on the way to college drops his bag and has fun with them. That is my morning, the mothers come back from the market and I go off for a shower. My morning. Luckily I missed the dancing, somebody switched on a mobile and they all called me down to dance. Not likely. They were forever dragging me away from a book or out of the hammock to dance with them. One day I said, ask one of the students to join you, they're younger than me. They said we like your dancing the best. The 6yr old chimed in yes, because you dance just like a queer(bayut)!!........Yes, Yes Yes you do, just like a queer, fantastic, came the chorus.
Now that did creep me the hell out.Obs.
Aren't you deaf though?

[Искра]

I think that parents who raise their children to "be something" should be shoot. It's funny how people here wanna "raise their children to be militant anti-fascits" when you would probably run away from 15 years old bonehead with ice cream.

[Azraella]

I'm a mother.

I'm an anarcho-communist/syndicalist.

My husband and the father of my baby is another anarchist.

My baby is probably going to at least grow up as an anarchist friendly person.

[Misanthrope]

I'm a mother.

I'm an anarcho-communist/syndicalist.

My husband and the father of my baby is another anarchist.

My baby is probably going to at least grow up as an anarchist friendly person.

probably

[Искра]

my children will be fascists cause my wife is like cool

[Ostrinski]

0:08 My future kid
Q7MevIp5Ld8

[¿Que?]

What funny stuff has it said?
If I understand the language of cats, she usually says, "give me food"

[MotherCossack]

i would have come forth with my amusing little tales gathered in recent years since my little cossacks came into the world... only there has been a family bereavement at the top end and i have had the wind taken out of my sails.
but here is one... a recent addition...
i took my littlest cossackess to purchase a criminally overpriced bit of merchandising that she had apparently been led to believe was of vital importance to her long-term happiness...and welfare...
having tried and failed to convince her that this was baloney i unhappily agreed to a little excursion to the shop that she knew sold the product she desired.
she had saved the pennies and pounds by various means, some cute and some which could only be described in language most often associated with a violent criminal underclass and mafia type gang culture.
said mini-me is a 6 year old with savvy, i can tell you!
we went, as planned, to purchase the item....unfortunately, [hurray!!!!] the shop closed for the day, less than 2 minutes before we got there.
in accordance with child protocol, a scene ensued. it was weathered, she was placated with various bribes and we turned back for home.
on the train back, we chatted, as you do, while she chomped through said bribe.
at one point she looked glum and looked about to go into another strop... i intervened with;

-ME- ' thats a naughty shop shutting early on purpose!' she nodded and scowled, then added;
-HER- 'yeah!...stupid shop!.. shops should stay open all the time!
-ME- 'no thats not fair".
i countered, to correct her;
-ME- 'who would want to work in that shop all day and all night? i wouldnt.' she looked at me squarely and announced;
-HER- 'not you. Slaves, should.'
they have to do whatever you tell them.'
i had to laugh... before a mildly instructive speech on the evils of slavery.

on a similar theme... along the lines of what its like to have a child toying with the far right....
i was talking to the kernal about politics and the left ...etc.. and at one point said...
'I am a communist'... to which she screamed and burst into tears.. mystified i consoled her , until she had calmed down enough to tell me what had terrified her so...
expecting a tale of sibling mischief, imagine my reaction when she looked at me, with big accusing eyes and sobbed,
'Mummy, dont say that, dont call yourself that.'
'why' i asked...
"cos its a very bad, very scary word and i dont like it. mummy"

!?!? well at least no one could ever accuse me of indoctrinating my kids! until now... although sounds like someone might have beat me to it.... i am starting her slowly... animal farm... bob the builder... work up to capital and dialectical materialism in a bit... {when i am re.....i mean she is ready.}

[heyjoe]

I'm a mother.

I'm an anarcho-communist/syndicalist.

My husband and the father of my baby is another anarchist.

My baby is probably going to at least grow up as an anarchist friendly person.

most of ultra conservative republican US Presidential candidate rick santorum's relatives in italy are communists. you cant never tell

[dodger]

Aren't you deaf though?


Pardon? What? Were you talking to me Obs? Sorry I was distracted......What can I do for you? Oh yes, I see now, shut the fok up. OK, right, not another word, silent as the grave, not a peep, even a whisper, I am not here, I have gone, nearly, though not quite, it is my intention to be gone though, without drama, or fanfare, just quietly, short goodbye's are always the best, parting is such sweet sorrow, maybe we shall meet again on another thread, gone but not forgotten, through the tears I can just make out your name is it Obs or Sob-Sob-Sob?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsy57_aOUJ0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KP8O8Lgjkiw&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jj6OPxA2E9U

[piet11111]

Kids are great especially when you can hand them back to their parents is a universal truth.

But i am curious about one thing something my mom always says that she would rather have 10 boys then 1 girl when it comes to the ease of handling them.

I have 3 older sisters and i know from my mother that she hardly had any trouble with me (i am a guy fyi) but would any of you agree with her ?

[MotherCossack]

it is true, girls are shit at being kids. as one[a female] i know... and as one with 3 i know.
on the positive side they have a brain, useful thing, a brain....
and they are good at sticking families together... families with all boy children seem prone to drift apart around the time that the mum fades from view

[dodger]

it is true, girls are shit at being kids. as one[a female] i know... and as one with 3 i know.
on the positive side they have a brain, useful thing, a brain....
and they are good at sticking families together... families with all boy children seem prone to drift apart around the time that the mum fades from view

How very true....

[MotherCossack]

apparently, when i was a small child, i myself came out with the odd classic.
i lived in a house full of free spirits and chilled out people, all of whom have either become seriously deranged and moved to isolated corners of the country, or in some significant way left... mostly died or disappeared without trace.

anyway my mum and boyfriend [i think} were chilling out, one day... when i rushed in quite agitated, or so i am told; i shouted;
'quick, come and see.... bob and rosie are fighting with their bums!'

[Agent Ducky]

I dunno. I think my parents had a harder time raising me than my brother so far, but that's b/c he had problems with school when he was younger because he has mild Asperger's syndrome.

Apparently when I was a kid, I walked into my dad's home office, opened up the shredding machine, and started throwing shredded paper everywhere because it was the best thing ever. Mom thought it was adorable. Dad was about ready to murder me. She got it on video.

[Hexen]

I never want to bring another being into this cruel, depressing world.

Infact it's actually the greatest crime you can commit is bringing people into this capitalist shit hole in the first place.

[Quail]

My son is 22 months, and he hasn't quite learned to put words into sentences yet. For some reason though he keeps pointing at people's hair and saying, "Hat." He says "uh-oh" whenever he or someone else drops something, which is pretty cute. He's a right little terror for climbing though. If he can climb in/on something, he will and if he can't, he'll try.

Of course, I have all the lovely poo and sick stories that tend to come with very young children.

[MotherCossack]

once when i was stuck on a train somewhere between the south coast and london, with my four darlings...
trying to keep them and myself occupied i suggested to my youngest girl, she was about 3 or 4 at the time, that she tell me a story...
grinning, she launched straight into her story:

'once upon a time there was a little girl on a train. then she got sad and her eyeball fell out, and rolled down her face....the end!

i was struck dumb . she smiled proudly. the other occupants of the carriage.... well they certainly looked disturbed!

[ColonelCossack]

fok

You are amazing.

[MotherCossack]

You are amazing.

ahhh!
bless!!
my little kernal! he's all grown up!!!
nearly!!!!

[ColonelCossack]

ahhh!
bless!!
my little kernal! he's all grown up!!!
nearly!!!!

haha I got more rep that you!

[dodger]

haha i got more rep that you!

can always take rep away....if you aren't a good boy!!!!!!


watch it !!!

[Landsharks eat metal]

haha I got more rep that you!
Rep-post ratio is something else you have to pay attention though... it's a very good indication of general awesomeness.:)

[ColonelCossack]

Rep-post ratio is something else you have to pay attention though... it's a very good indication of general awesomeness.:)

My rep post ratio isn't very good. I need to be more awesome.

[ColonelCossack]

can always take rep away....if you aren't a good boy!!!!!!


watch it !!!

oH NOES! :bored:

[Agent Ducky]

oH NOES! :bored:

It's okay, dodger can't hurt you for much.
I however, well... Those are some very nice 13 extra rep points you've got there. It would be a shame if something were to happen to them.

[Agent Ducky]

Rep-post ratio is something else you have to pay attention though... it's a very good indication of general awesomeness.:)
I used to care about rep-post ratio but then I to- Nope, not going there. But then I realized it's all numbers anyways and I shall do as I please and if people think that I'm awesome while doing it, all the better.

[MotherCossack]

you know what, me old china....
i do like a little bit of honest to goodness straight talking honesty.
lets just cut all that la-de-bloody-la- crap.....the bottom line is, i reckon...
anyone who says that they dont give a hoot about what folk fink of them.. and, more importantly, their posts/ arguments/comments/reasoning/views/mumblings[in my case].... is talking a load of baloney.
of course we all seek approval, my dear, one way or another...
the day we stop fishing for the thumbs up is the day we, officially, become bona-fida, card-carrying cyber men.
go get it and know it.... power to the rep!!!
i say rep to the post ...!
i say post to the power
which incidentally can cause widespread corruption!!!!!!!!

[piet11111]

Shame this thread went off topic so much.

[Agent Ducky]

you know what, me old china....
i do like a little bit of honest to goodness straight talking honesty.
lets just cut all that la-de-bloody-la- crap.....the bottom line is, i reckon...
anyone who says that they dont give a hoot about what folk fink of them.. and, more importantly, their posts/ arguments/comments/reasoning/views/mumblings[in my case].... is talking a load of baloney.
of course we all seek approval, my dear, one way or another...
the day we stop fishing for the thumbs up is the day we, officially, become bona-fida, card-carrying cyber men.
go get it and know it.... power to the rep!!!
i say rep to the post ...!
i say post to the power
which incidentally can cause widespread corruption!!!!!!!!
Curse you and your straw men arguments! I never said any of that stuff! I just said I don't concern myself with rep to post ratio. I get enough thanks from people, and I was voted "Most Amusing" in Chit-Chat Awards. That's enough approval, dammit. Also, the next thing MotherCossack posts on this thread is required to relate to the original topic because THREAD DERAILING IS BAD, MMKAY? Or... something bad will happen.

[MotherCossack]

ok... get a bit of this you lot....

-JOYS OF PARENTHOOD_
1. when a little brave chap or chapess is put, for one reason or another, in a long line with a load of other little unfortunates, in wind and rain, with not enough on, on some barren landscape{the heath, north london, being one such place}.
Faces full of dogged determination attempting to conceal various degrees of mounting terror.... the whistle is blown.... the wall of whipper-snappers eventually moves off in a disorderly fashion.... it is.....:
THE ANNUAL CROSS-COUNTRY RUN!
Seeing your little bloke struggling, staggering, soldiering, stumbling, crying, but not giving up. hanging on for dear life... oh my god it is so moving.... the little superstars running for dear life through the mud, up the big,big hill, along the top, down the long slippery as f--k other side.... then around and .... up a-bloody-gain.
i could hardly bear it... whether i was happy or sad... i still have not worked out!
As she neared the finishing line, covered in filth, panting, gasping, wobbling and staggering.... i wanted her to be proud of her, as superproud as i was.
i have to say watching my little ones run their hearts out remains one of the high highlights of my whole life and easily beats anything i, myself have ever done.

there will be more....

[MotherCossack]

yes... so... where was i..? ahhh... thats it!
SEMI-PUBLIC SPORTS EVENTS AND YOUR BELOVED LITTLE ONES
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sports day.
the kernal was a small chap, way back then...[well it is nearly a decade ago!]
An earnest little fellow.. loveable...unique... and ...anyway...
it was his very first sports day...bless him... i was all set to film his first race [having been a pretty nifty runner who loved racing at school... i was so sure he would be the same...]

video camera all set i stood near the finish line ... as the little athletes took up position..... on your marks.... get set..... GO....
THEY WERE OFF....i was ready and started filming. hang on... where is my one.... i searched through the viewfinder [it was pre-digital], no luck.... i abandoned the camera and, frowning, looked around...well he wasn't with the runners....
then i saw a figure.... it looked like.... it was him... the little kernal was on the starting line.... looking at a daisy that he had picked . it turned out that when he did the ...on your marks .... thing ... a simple little daisy had distracted him and while all the others had been setting off he had been picking flowers.
he finally noticed the other runners as they approached the finish and set off as the front runners came in.
as for mum..... i did not know whether to laugh or cry... so i did both!

[GallowsBird]

I don't care about rep me. I'm way above such nonsense!


[INSERT MORE REP HERE]



[PLEASE]



[PRETTY PLEASE]




[PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE]





[PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP]










[PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP AND WHIPPED CREAM]







[PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP AND WHIPPED CREAM AND MAYBE I'LL THROW IN ONE OF THOSE SMALL UMBRELLAS THAT YOU TRY TO KEEP BUT THEY ALWAYS GO MISSING OR GET RIPPED IN YOUR CASE THUS MAKING THIS A USELESS EXERCISE]

[ColonelCossack]

It's okay, dodger can't hurt you for much.
I however, well... Those are some very nice 13 extra rep points you've got there. It would be a shame if something were to happen to them.

NIIICE Ducky... wouldn't wanna... do someone an injury... would ya...

[MotherCossack]

troublesome teenage female mini-me......
oh the shame... oh the shock....
la de da ... things are fine....
[glancing out the window... for no reason really...]
--DOUBLE-TAKE--followed by sharp intake of breathe.....
What the f--k.... that pink paint looks familiar...
"WHAT IS THAT GIANT PINK "FUK OFF" DOING SPRAWLED OVER THE ROAD OUTSIDE?"

why on earth did my young delicate, blossoming, delightful, well-adjusted and well-behaved daughter deface the street with such epic, unavoidably flamboyant, can see from space, pink and terribly, horribly crude graffitti !!?

[MotherCossack]

actually mummy, it just said FUK.
Love you lots,
troublesome teenage female mini-you.

[MotherCossack]

OMG how did that happen?
i am very sorry rev-left... somehow, goodness knows how.... big sister cossack [not a member,yet..., although, i warn you, she is nothing but trouble.... so, if you want my advice... dont go near her with a barge-pole. ..{anyway.. she's far too besotted with the realisation of her life-long ambition... which seems to be putting as many silly, silly bits of nonsense onto facebook as she possibly can, to concern herself with irritating little things like politics... for now, anyway}]
so... yeah... big sister cossack.... posted the above post, on my account!!!

I AM VERY SORRY!!!! PLEASE DONT BAN ME OR SEND ME TO A GULAG....OOPS I MEAN SUMMERCAMP.
it wont happen again. I PROMISE YOU!!!!

[heyjoe]

security breach! security breach! shut down imminent. in 10, 9, 8........

[ColonelCossack]

actually mummy, it just said FUK.
Love you lots,
troublesome teenage female mini-you.

That is AMAAAAAAAZING


well done sis.

[MotherCossack]

all i want for christmas is...

my two front teeth....
and ...

CAN I HAVE SOME MORE PLEASE....SIR?

ERR could you pass the rep please?

half a pound of tupenny rice...
half a pound of treacle...
thats the way the reputation goes
pop goes the reason!!!!!

[MotherCossack]

????????????? yeah it was me!!!!!
but.... where was i!?
cover mussack... my alter ego has put his oar in....




-whining-
but gallowbird did it first.... honest ...please dont hurt me...

cos i'm only aving a larf and i really dont care [much]...
i want only:
to lead a lasting and amazing commie revolution that encompasses the whole world.
to say stuff i believe.
to make you lot smile, now and again.

[ColonelCossack]

I don't care about rep me. I'm way above such nonsense!


[INSERT MORE REP HERE]



[PLEASE]



[PRETTY PLEASE]




[PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE]





[PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP]










[PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP AND WHIPPED CREAM]







[PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP AND WHIPPED CREAM AND MAYBE I'LL THROW IN ONE OF THOSE SMALL UMBRELLAS THAT YOU TRY TO KEEP BUT THEY ALWAYS GO MISSING OR GET RIPPED IN YOUR CASE THUS MAKING THIS A USELESS EXERCISE]


Well, it worked for you... so here goes... Can everyone who sees this post thank it? Cheers in advnce guys. Rlly appreciate it.

[ColonelCossack]

Anyway back on topic I remember once when I was 6 I drew spots on SisterCossack (the one who posted in this thread! :ohmy:) using a red felt-tip pen, that were supposed to look like chicken pox, as a prank for MotherCossack. MotherCossack thought SisterCossack had contracted meningitis and called an ambulance!!!!!! :lol:


Oh teh luhlz...

[MotherCossack]

Anyway back on topic I remember once when I was 6 I drew spots on SisterCossack (the one who posted in this thread! :ohmy:) using a red felt-tip pen, that were supposed to look like chicken pox, as a prank for MotherCossack. MotherCossack thought SisterCossack had contracted meningitis and called an ambulance!!!!!! :lol:


Oh teh luhlz...
oh.... yeah.. i remember that... you little bleeder... i was properly in a state for about 5 minutes... until i realised...
if i remember rightly your timing was terrible... it happened about a day after i heard a tragic scare story about a killer rash and a small child... ooh! i was right bleeding furious wiv you...
bless...

[MotherCossack]

do you remember your one man show about the potato famine???
aahhh!!! it was so cute!!
you were so ill... and it was supposed to be that night... and you were
'mu-m-my!- i- fe--el -s-o -- si-ck' then you were asleep and i was like ...
'my poor little bloke.... he's too ill to perform... -sob-.... and he will be s-o disappointed...'
and you were like...
'Mu-mm-y i wa-nt to do t-he sh-ow b-o-o h--o-o! but i th-in-k i mi-gh-t be to-o i-ll!'
and i'm like 'dont worry son... ill tell your school... theyll understand.'
but then you like make a huge like effort and we go to the school and you go on stage in front of all them 'orrible posh parents with their superior attitudes and splendid houses and ugly children....and.....
YOU SOCK IT TO THEM!!!!! WHAT A PERFORMANCE!!!
LITTLE COSSACK JUNIOR... ACTING OUT THE WHOLE IRISH POTATO FAMINE ON HISSELF... IN FRONT OF A LOAD OF ARSEY FOLK.. AND BEING A BLOODY STAR...
I TELL YOU...I WAS SO PROUD I NEARLY WET MESELF!!!! and it's not as if you had got better... cos afterwards you nigh on collapsed in me arms....sick as ever.. poor little mite...

son you did us cossacks proud that night...

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Can someone remind me how to farm for rep again? Thanks...

[MotherCossack]

very recently my youngest daughter came to the local small supermarket with me.
she behaved pretty badly throughout.. as only a slightly spoilt 6 year old can...
it came to a head when, for the upteenth time she put some item or other of a highly sweet and very extravagent nature into my basket.
but , having become quite irritated by now, i caught her hand just before she let go of the packet and pulled both out of and away from the basket and pulled the unwanted item[ well i didn't want it anyhow] out of her little hand and almost threw it back on the shelf.
the scream that followed shook every one and everything within a huge radius . it probably registered about 4 or 5 on the rickter scale.... and every living thing in that shop turned to stare.. i swear even the frozen chickens even had a quick look!
i blushed crimson and bent to say quietly to her ...
"SHHHH... child, everyone will think...." but it was pointless .. she wasn't listening...
"MUMMY YOU HURT ME!!!! MUMMY YOU TWISTED MY ARM!! MUMMY YOU REALLY HURT ME..." it went on....
she was still in maximum decibel mode... i tried to reason again, all the while dying with embarassment...
"Do you want the police to come and get me?" she ignored me but stopped for a second...
"Do you want them to take me away... ?" she Sobbed and bawled
"I DONT KNOW....." i elaborated...
"They'll think i'm not safe... do you not feel safe, with me...?" She looked at me and moaned
"NOOOOOOOO! YOU HURT ME MUMMYYY!"
At this point i gave in and asked if she still wanted the cakes that had been tha cause of it all ....
she stopped instantaneously and nodded sweetly... we finished the shopping... etc... etc...
not taking her out shopping again!!!

[MotherCossack]

Can someone remind me how to farm for rep again? Thanks...

are you implying.... well i should hope not...
because that has left a very sour taste in my mouth....
the kind that really pisses me off.
but i'm a grown-up... that is what, after all, this particular thread is all about...
so i shall assume that i am being mightily over-sensitive.... and that you are not searching for opportunities to practise beeatchery or anything like that.

[Agent Ducky]

Can someone remind me how to farm for rep again? Thanks...

Post witty one-liners on threads...

Get a personal assistant to follow you around and thank everything you say...

Be generally awesome?

[TheGodlessUtopian]

Post witty one-liners on threads...

Da boom!...does that count? Shit, I don't think it does.


Get a personal assistant to follow you around and thank everything you say...

Way ahead of ya ;)


Be generally awesome?

I dunno... sounds like a lot of work...

[Aleenik]

Post witty one-liners on threads...

Get a personal assistant to follow you around and thank everything you say...

Be generally awesome?Hi.

[MotherCossack]

Post witty one-liners on threads...

Get a personal assistant to follow you around and thank everything you say...

Be generally awesome?


Da boom!...does that count? Shit, I don't think it does.



Way ahead of ya ;)



I dunno... sounds like a lot of work...
!!!???!!!
!?!?!?!?!
!?!?
A little sad, unloved, humiliated, lamb cowers in the shadows with her alter ego....
a....
MEGA-WRONGED,COLOSSAL,TERRIBLE,TITAN OF EPIC PROPORTIONS ...
THEY BOTH FEEL:
SOILED, ABUSED, BULLIED, MADE A FOOL OF, IGNORED....
THEY BOTH INHABIT A PLACE, A DARK, UNPLEASANT PLACE ON THE VERY FRINGES OF SANITY.

NEITHER CARES MUCH ABOUT ANY MERE MORTAL.....

OR MUCH LESS ANY PRODUCT OR BELONGING PERTAINING TO SAID MORTAL....

BUT.....
BE WARNED....

ALL BOTH HAVE LEFT IS A CERTAIN ODD PRIDE AND A HATRED, A LOATHING OF HYPOCRACY THAT SPANS LIFETIMES.

so you lot...
somefing round here stinks like shit.... and it aint me!!!

enuff of all this f--k--g tosh
i am off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MotherCossack]

witty one-liners!
i could eat you for breakfast!
bar...humbug

[piet11111]

Can someone remind me how to farm for rep again? Thanks...

Pay close attention to the cossacks.

[ColonelCossack]

Pay close attention to the cossacks.

teehee. But I think in return I thank looads and loads and loads of people. So it balances out, see? But this farming for rep is starting to annoy MotherCossack, she's told me personally.



But this thread is uber off topic.

[ColonelCossack]

do you remember your one man show about the potato famine???
aahhh!!! it was so cute!!
you were so ill... and it was supposed to be that night... and you were
'mu-m-my!- i- fe--el -s-o -- si-ck' then you were asleep and i was like ...
'my poor little bloke.... he's too ill to perform... -sob-.... and he will be s-o disappointed...'
and you were like...
'Mu-mm-y i wa-nt to do t-he sh-ow b-o-o h--o-o! but i th-in-k i mi-gh-t be to-o i-ll!'
and i'm like 'dont worry son... ill tell your school... theyll understand.'
but then you like make a huge like effort and we go to the school and you go on stage in front of all them 'orrible posh parents with their superior attitudes and splendid houses and ugly children....and.....
YOU SOCK IT TO THEM!!!!! WHAT A PERFORMANCE!!!
LITTLE COSSACK JUNIOR... ACTING OUT THE WHOLE IRISH POTATO FAMINE ON HISSELF... IN FRONT OF A LOAD OF ARSEY FOLK.. AND BEING A BLOODY STAR...
I TELL YOU...I WAS SO PROUD I NEARLY WET MESELF!!!! and it's not as if you had got better... cos afterwards you nigh on collapsed in me arms....sick as ever.. poor little mite...

son you did us cossacks proud that night...

I remember that. But I don't quite recall all that "Tiny Tim/Oliver Twist" lark.

[ColonelCossack]

!!!???!!!
!?!?!?!?!
!?!?
A little sad, unloved, humiliated, lamb cowers in the shadows with her alter ego....
a....
MEGA-WRONGED,COLOSSAL,TERRIBLE,TITAN OF EPIC PROPORTIONS ...
THEY BOTH FEEL:
SOILED, ABUSED, BULLIED, MADE A FOOL OF, IGNORED....
THEY BOTH INHABIT A PLACE, A DARK, UNPLEASANT PLACE ON THE VERY FRINGES OF SANITY.

NEITHER CARES MUCH ABOUT ANY MERE MORTAL.....

OR MUCH LESS ANY PRODUCT OR BELONGING PERTAINING TO SAID MORTAL....

BUT.....
BE WARNED....

ALL BOTH HAVE LEFT IS A CERTAIN ODD PRIDE AND A HATRED, A LOATHING OF HYPOCRACY THAT SPANS LIFETIMES.

so you lot...
somefing round here stinks like shit.... and it aint me!!!

enuff of all this f--k--g tosh
i am off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jam your hype

[MotherCossack]

hahahaha Cover Mossack is in the driving seat....
hang on to your hair pieces...

all i want is some rep somewhere ...
far away from them pretenders over there....
wiv just honesty to share...
oh wouldnt it be loverly?

lots of reputation for me to eat
lots of proles telling me i'm in for a treat
with words, warm hands, both neat
oh wouldnt it be loverly?

someone smiling at my rep and me
warm, a fire bender he will be
who bends fire just for me
oh wouldn't it be loverly?
loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly.


ha!
i'm good!
and the last thing i want is any of your dirty money!

[Agent Ducky]

Pay close attention to the cossacks.

Dunno, seems to me the Cossacks have a little club going that includes dodger (and myself sometimes) where we often thank each other's posts. This isn't conspiratorial, it just happens.

[MotherCossack]

i s'pose...
me... i'm just a friendly kind of a dame... is all..

anyway...
guess what....?
today is......
THE CROSS COUNTRY RUN!!!!!! aaahhhh!!!!!!!

it is -5 degrees out there....
ooohhph...brrrrrr..... chhhcchhiillllyyyy!!
wish me luck!!! and i'm not even running

[ColonelCossack]

Dunno, seems to me the Cossacks have a little club going that includes dodger (and myself sometimes) where we often thank each other's posts. This isn't conspiratorial, it just happens.

That's not true. And that's why I didn't thank that post.

[MotherCossack]

bless her... she ran her freezing little heart out.... i love my kids.

[Agent Ducky]

That's not true. And that's why I didn't thank that post.

How is it not true? There's nothing *official* going on, it's just that from my observations you, your mother, and dodger are often the ones thanking each others posts. And sometimes I am included in that. Give me 3 good reasons it's not true, MISTER COSSACK.

[coda]

<<very recently my youngest daughter came to the local small supermarket with me.
she behaved pretty badly throughout.. as only a slightly spoilt 6 year old can...
it came to a head when, for the upteenth time she put some item or other of a highly sweet and very extravagent nature into my basket. >.

hee!.. very amusing to read kinda reminds me of the grocery store visits at the same age with my mother and couple-years-older sister in the 70's when we were kids.... my sister would pitch small jello boxes and whatever else she wanted into my jacket hood much to my stupid oblivion (all before bar codes)., when we got home our mother upon finding them.. would make us return them... "my daughter took these without paying for them...." Thanks Mom!! some 35-year generation gap there between parents and kids... but that's a whole different story and probably why i don't have any myself...

[dodger]

How is it not true? There's nothing *official* going on, it's just that from my observations you, your mother, and dodger are often the ones thanking each others posts. And sometimes I am included in that. Give me 3 good reasons it's not true, MISTER COSSACK.

Total Thanks: 1,245....there, does that add any clarity or solve any mystery?

The total 'thanked' received is in the public domain. What conclusions may be drawn from that, don't have an earthly idea, Ducky. Let's have an end to this unproductive debate.....(soon). In the meantime I shall give my @[email protected] where I am pleased to do so. I am giving you a 'thanks' on your post, in anticipation. Thanks again.

[coda]

yeah..cool out people...

[MotherCossack]

yeah ... man...
we is on da same side innit bruv...
anyways.. me tried ta do da rite ting...blad..
and me spoke about fam and dem fings like what i is s'posd to..
like... dat ducky bruv said innit...
and you know... like...
yous is still on ma case ,man...
i is gettin well confused man...
dis be some mess'd up buttersness man...

and it so transpires that there are some with whom i agree more
than others..a few of which i get the distinct impression are trying to toy with me.

as for the kernal... i can assure you he is not my little helper.... politically we fight
like cats and dogs more often than i care to mention.... his default position
is the opposing view to my own.

aaahhhh !gosh is that the time??????
my arty head doctor awaits......

of this, more anon.....

[MotherCossack]

this very evening my daughter,6, declared:
"DO YOU LIKE MY NEW SCHOOL MUMMY, IT'S FOR TROLLS?"

hahaha!
Or am i spending too long on rev-left?

[Agent Ducky]

yeah ... man...
we is on da same side innit bruv...
anyways.. me tried ta do da rite ting...blad..
and me spoke about fam and dem fings like what i is s'posd to..
like... dat ducky bruv said innit...
and you know... like...
yous is still on ma case ,man...
i is gettin well confused man...
dis be some mess'd up buttersness man...

and it so transpires that there are some with whom i agree more
than others..a few of which i get the distinct impression are trying to toy with me.

as for the kernal... i can assure you he is not my little helper.... politically we fight
like cats and dogs more often than i care to mention.... his default position
is the opposing view to my own.

aaahhhh !gosh is that the time??????
my arty head doctor awaits......

of this, more anon.....

Buttersness? Buttersness? BUTTERSNESS?! Da fok. (apologies to the Colonel) :confused:

[MotherCossack]

oops ... have i f**ked up my young folk speak... i'll have to consult one of my mini-me's to check! i'm pretty sure it means horribleness... butters definitely means vile or bad... and i was just elaborating.....

[Agent Ducky]

oops ... have i f**ked up my young folk speak... i'll have to consult one of my mini-me's to check! i'm pretty sure it means horribleness... butters definitely means vile or bad... and i was just elaborating.....
I've never heard this word used before.... Maybe it's just cuz I'm here in 'Murika.

[MotherCossack]

well i consulted one of my young consultants and she has unofficially questioned my use of the word butters....[ness]
butters definuitely means ugly , even my diddy little superstar is clear about that and she is at least 4 years away from secondary school.
i have definitely heard the derivative... buttersness used, but it might be more appropriately used to describe an unpleasant person.

But, hell, i always did play fast and loose wiv me lingo! innit blad!

[ColonelCossack]

I've never heard this word used before.... Maybe it's just cuz I'm here in 'Murika.

it's from London, 2k12, blad fam innit doe.

[ColonelCossack]

On the subject of slang, it's interesting that I've heard the word "cuz" being used (to describe a close friend), when I have seen the word "cos" being used in a shkespeare play to describe a similar relationship. I think they both come from "cousin"...

[Agent Ducky]

On the subject of slang, it's interesting that I've heard the word "cuz" being used (to describe a close friend), when I have seen the word "cos" being used in a shkespeare play to describe a similar relationship. I think they both come from "cousin"...

Yeah, Shakespeare slang that's similar to today always astounds me. Also both of them are used as "because"

[dodger]

On the subject of slang, it's interesting that I've heard the word "cuz" being used (to describe a close friend), when I have seen the word "cos" being used in a shkespeare play to describe a similar relationship. I think they both come from "cousin"...

Cos is often used instead of because(be-cos). Oh well off for a Jimmie, Mother Cossack......we'll butcher the very fine English language later no doubt. The septic tanks(sceptic tanks as ma insisted on calling them) have a language all of their own. ONE even called me Dodger Dude! I had to look the term up in an urban dictionary. Judging by the invective I suspected he did not mean a fellow in posh gentleman's attire on a western cattle ranch. Must fly.

[MotherCossack]

So... there we were, the kernal and myself, on top of the world....

well... the top of BEN NEVIS anyway!!!

There was the howling wind... or was it biting wind?... anyway.... there was the dense, or

was it thick, fog?... anyway... the weather was atrocious. a relentless, spray of freezing droplets, or was it hail,

anyway... we were soaked through, and back again, and freezing cold ... like well..colder than i have ever

been...like times about 50...

there were no people, but, since there was no visibility either, it did not much matter , cos we would not have

been able to see them anyway

plenty of gravel and stone ... Like an abandoned, cold, misty quarry. met many stone piles of different sizes. they

loomed out of the greyness, and the kernal was sure that they moved. [he had heard tell of the resident spirit at the

summit of 'the ben' and was susceptable, to put it mildly]

(hometime.3ish... finish later)

[ColonelCossack]

So... there we were, the kernal and myself, on top of the world....

well... the top of BEN NEVIS anyway!!!

There was the howling wind... or was it biting wind?... anyway.... there was the dense, or

was it thick, fog?... anyway... the weather was atrocious. a relentless, spray of freezing droplets, or was it hail,

anyway... we were soaked through, and back again, and freezing cold ... like well..colder than i have ever

been...like times about 50...

there were no people, but, since there was no visibility either, it did not much matter , cos we would not have

been able to see them anyway

plenty of gravel and stone ... Like an abandoned, cold, misty quarry. met many stone piles of different sizes. they

loomed out of the greyness, and the kernal was sure that they moved. [he had heard tell of the resident spirit at the

summit of 'the ben' and was susceptable, to put it mildly]

(hometime.3ish... finish later)

oo-er

[MotherCossack]

So... there we were, the kernal and myself, on top of the world....

well... the top of BEN NEVIS anyway!!!

There was the howling wind... or was it biting wind?... anyway.... there was the dense, or

was it thick, fog?... anyway... the weather was atrocious. a relentless, spray of freezing droplets, or was it hail,

anyway... we were soaked through, and back again, and freezing cold ... like well..colder than i have ever

been...like times about 50...

there were no people, but, since there was no visibility either, it did not much matter , cos we would not have

been able to see them anyway

plenty of gravel and stone ... Like an abandoned, cold, misty quarry. met many stone piles of different sizes. they

loomed out of the greyness, and the kernal was sure that they moved. [he had heard tell of the resident spirit at the

summit of 'the ben' and was susceptable, to put it mildly]

(hometime.3ish... finish later)


SO.... it took us 4 or 5 hours to get to the top....weather deteriorating all the way!

i asked some folk who were on the way down, how much further it was..

the look of pity on their faces was unmistakable although i did not fully realize the implications of that look until a

bit later...

"err... quite a way, love. but don't worry... i'd say you're more than half way up!'

Woe was us. My super star son was a total brick. it was rapidly becoming the absolute worst day of my miserable

life... but i would not trade the memory in for all the money in the world. we persevered...never had i been so wet,

cold and exhausted, never have i wished so hard to be somewhere else, and never ever, ever, has it taken sooooo

long to get to the top... the last stretch.... with the fog and the ghosts and the absence of anyone else and then

it suddenly got so steep just before the top.

BUT ......WE MADE IT. EVENTUALLY. THE SUMMIT. HALF WAY. ALL WE HAD TO DO NOW WAS GO BACK DOWN

BEFORE IT GOT DARK AND DANGEROUS.

[Agent Ducky]

Orly? Usually when I go hiking with my family, my mom is the brick so everyone gets to have nice rest periods while waiting for her to catch up.

[ColonelCossack]

SO.... it took us 4 or 5 hours to get to the top....weather deteriorating all the way!

i asked some folk who were on the way down, how much further it was..

the look of pity on their faces was unmistakable although i did not fully realize the implications of that look until a

bit later...

"err... quite a way, love. but don't worry... i'd say you're more than half way up!'

Woe was us. My super star son was a total brick. it was rapidly becoming the absolute worst day of my miserable

life... but i would not trade the memory in for all the money in the world. we persevered...never had i been so wet,

cold and exhausted, never have i wished so hard to be somewhere else, and never ever, ever, has it taken sooooo

long to get to the top... the last stretch.... with the fog and the ghosts and the absence of anyone else and then

it suddenly got so steep just before the top.

BUT ......WE MADE IT. EVENTUALLY. THE SUMMIT. HALF WAY. ALL WE HAD TO DO NOW WAS GO BACK DOWN

BEFORE IT GOT DARK AND DANGEROUS.

sheesh it was only Ben Nevis...

[MotherCossack]

Maaaaaan!
YO! Bruv i mean SON
Yo is seriously spoilin me fun...innit blad
i is tellin 'ow we, like, climbed up some wickedly, massive, big mountain, like...
innit.. man...you is a butters fish
'the Ben' happens to be a rather large hillock
and i am a proud pillock
i mean sockac, cocksac, cacksoc
what's my name... oh yes cossack.
erm... it's bed time dearie!!!

[Aloysius]

Me and my brother have been teaching my little sister (21-22 mo. old) some rather naughty things. She can almost get up her middle finger, and she's gotten damn close to saying "fuck."

She's a decent enough attack dog, too. I give her one of my foam swords and she goes to town on the cats.

[Paul Cockshott]

when daughter Lee was three, she pointed at the pie on table and said 'who is that?'. Per haps bring her up bilingual was the problem.

[MotherCossack]

when daughter Lee was three, she pointed at the pie on table and said 'who is that?'. Per haps bring her up bilingual was the problem.



Sob sob....that's so little person .... sob ... thinking....
I miss my little babies... theyre all big now.... sob... sob...
L.J.M. Cossack smallest little gloworm is six going on an older woman....

Then there is T.T.A.Cossack an 11 year old with some serious temper, a streak of pure magic and another whichis so mental it scares the bejesus out of me.

My 2nd oldest called freedom in irish C.S. Cossack, 13 and blimey... i never knew stubborn could be so... infinitely non-negotiable. what a character... and trouble is her best friend forever.

And finally our very own gorgeous colonel C.C.D.Cossack, A.K.A. P. and we all know what a diamond geaser he has become although at 15 there are many, many forks in many, many roads that he could choose to traverse...

Oh hark at me.....
all i say is make the most of every second of the first bit.... it is stardust and absolutely finite.

[Bostana]

I tell you what though.
Those whiper snaper Kids playing their loud Music. Like Laday Caca and Jackson Bieber.
Don't though know that this is real Music:
wMEeJVBhAnQ

[MotherCossack]

i'd agree... except that the kernal is partial to the odd blast of purple haze and loves voodoo child {who wouldn't.. it is AWESOME}...
got my sprogs well trained, see.
[not really... the girls have awful taste...]

i so love 'GLEE'
listen mummy,
cant you see,
it's part of me
i want to be,
just like glee
i'm sorry
but you'll soon see
a star i will be
when i star in british glee

[¿Que?]

I tell you what though.
Those whiper snaper Kids playing their loud Music. Like Laday Caca and Jackson Bieber.
Don't though know that this is real Music:

Every generation says the same thing...
xRkA6zugNMQ

EDIT: Actually, this isn't the bit I wanted to post, but can't find it. It's the one where he impersonates a Jimmi Hendrix song, but not the star spangled banner.

[Agent Ducky]

i'd agree... except that the kernal is partial to the odd blast of purple haze....
got my sprogs well trained, see.
[not really... the girls have awful taste...]

i so love 'GLEE'
listen mummy,
cant you see,
it's part of me
i want to be,
just like glee
i'm sorry
but you'll soon see
a star i will be
when i star in a british glee
The teacher from that show (Matthew Morrison) went to my high school. I've met him because he comes back every once and a while. I got his autograph and stuff.

[MotherCossack]

SO.... it took us 4 or 5 hours to get to the top....weather deteriorating all the way!

i asked some folk who were on the way down, how much further it was..

the look of pity on their faces was unmistakable although i did not fully realize the implications of that look until a

bit later...

"err... quite a way, love. but don't worry... i'd say you're more than half way up!'

Woe was us. My super star son was a total brick. it was rapidly becoming the absolute worst day of my miserable

life... but i would not trade the memory in for all the money in the world. we persevered...never had i been so wet,

cold and exhausted, never have i wished so hard to be somewhere else, and never ever, ever, has it taken sooooo

long to get to the top... the last stretch.... with the fog and the ghosts and the absence of anyone else and then

it suddenly got so steep just before the top.

BUT ......WE MADE IT. EVENTUALLY. THE SUMMIT. HALF WAY. ALL WE HAD TO DO NOW WAS GO BACK DOWN

BEFORE IT GOT DARK AND DANGEROUS.



So... there was the kernal and myself at that there summit... more fog than you could than you could wave a stick at...and assuredly it was of the freezing variety. brrrrrr ..it was chilly in the willy

Now the information that i am about to impart is somewhat personal and a tad embarassing... but for my part i am more than willing to risk ridicule and the collective upshift of the eyebrow of the rev-left community.... in order to relate quite how emphatic was the leap up that my son was willing and able to make to meet the plate that i was forced to put before him.

I was absolutely bursting for a wee wee. It was bad! really bad!
the trouble i had was that.... my bleeding fingers were gone [not literally.... it werent that bad] but as good as... when i tried to address myself to the task of undoing my waterproof trousers and those underneath ... i found i had a major problem.... my hands had lost 200% of function!.... i.e. they had become nothing more than an obstacle... there was me banging them in the direction of the fastener, over and over again... whilst my brain implored them to form the, well rehearsed task in hand... nothing... they were two whopping blobs of floppy digitery capable of not a thing!

"I say! HEY SON! OHMEGOD! PIP!!!" [a nickname that has belonged to the colonel since birth... well before actually ... but thats another story]

"PIP!!!!!!!!!"
"HELP!!!!!!"
IT'S ABOUT TO COME OUT....AND I CANT UNDO MY BLEEDING TROUSERS!!!!!! ([email protected] ABOUT TO COME OUT....AND I CANT UNDO MY BLEEDING TROUSERS!!!!!!)

[by the way this all took place behind the biggest pile of rocks i could find.....but i did have trouble with the behind bit.... has anyone tried to to find the behind of anything on the top of the highest mountain in uk?
THERE IS NOT ONE!!!!!!

I WAS FAIRLY EXPOSED!!!!!!!!! Thank god for the fog is all i can say!!!!

-oh dear-
finish later!

[ColonelCossack]

I tell you what though.
Those whiper snaper Kids playing their loud Music. Like Laday Caca and Jackson Bieber.
Don't though know that this is real Music:
wMEeJVBhAnQ

I protest. Jimi Hendrix is Awesome, and I'm a whipper-snapper!!!


So... there was the kernal and myself at that there summit... more fog than you could than you could wave a stick at...and assuredly it was of the freezing variety. brrrrrr ..it was chilly in the willy

Now the information that i am about to impart is somewhat personal and a tad embarassing... but for my part i am more than willing to risk ridicule and the collective upshift of the eyebrow of the rev-left community.... in order to relate quite how emphatic was the leap up that my son was willing and able to make to meet the plate that i was forced to put before him.

I was absolutely bursting for a wee wee. It was bad! really bad!
the trouble i had was that.... my bleeding fingers were gone [not literally.... it werent that bad] but as good as... when i tried to address myself to the task of undoing my waterproof trousers and those underneath ... i found i had a major problem.... my hands had lost 200% of function!.... i.e. they had become nothing more than an obstacle... there was me banging them in the direction of the fastener, over and over again... whilst my brain implored them to form the, well rehearsed task in hand... nothing... they were two whopping blobs of floppy digitery capable of not a thing!

"I say! HEY SON! OHMEGOD! PIP!!!" [a nickname that has belonged to the colonel since birth... well before actually ... but thats another story]

"PIP!!!!!!!!!"
"HELP!!!!!!"
IT'S ABOUT TO COME OUT....AND I CANT UNDO MY BLEEDING TROUSERS!!!!!!

[by the way this all took place behind the biggest pile of rocks i could find.....but i did have trouble with the behind bit.... has anyone tried to to find the behind of anything on the top of the highest mountain in uk?
THERE IS NOT ONE!!!!!!

I WAS FAIRLY EXPOSED!!!!!!!!! Thank god for the fog is all i can say!!!!

-oh dear-
finish later!

Lies. That didn't happen. Or at least it didn't happen if you don't want to accidentally fall off a balcony...

[MotherCossack]

i love being a mum...
i am sitting here with a face covered in thick snot!
well... actually it is supposed to be some form of beauty treatment... a sachet of an unspecified gooey clear paste that i am supposed to apply.... relax[!!!]... enjoy[!!!!] then peel off in 15/20 minutes.
my 3 daughters are sitting in a row on the sofa ... occasionally passing the odd comment without moving their lips .. so as to avoid any cracking.... needless to say ... they do not look very relaxed... little one L.j.m.Cossack.. looks a touch bored and like she might drop off.
the older 2 are taking the whole exercise very seriously... although even they have given up on the cucumber slices... they sting....apparently. . Ahhhh! bless...
and i've gotta go as my face is about to explode or fall off!

[MotherCossack]

my 2nd youngest daughter came home and announced that she will be singing it with her school at the royal albert hall in march.
then her big sister came home with the same news. [even though they attend different schools.]

blimey... when i was a kid/ young person... i never got no chance to do nuffink... i would have rather liked such an opportunity... NOT MUCH!!!!!!
lucky bleeders..... and i get to go watch and be parently and proud.... oh well s'pose it's not a bad deal....
goosebumps extraordinaire.... here we come!

[MotherCossack]

so... i take my gorgeous middle daughter out...on an errand....
she ... her name is talulla.... and she does not seem to have marbles.....
she stops dead in her tracks and stares dewy eyed at... i'm not sure what.....

"AAHH MUMMY... I LOVE WATCHING THE CHICKENS GO AROUND!"

i know what you're thinking....
picture the scene...us... in a farmyard or large garden... free range, healthy, tubby and content hens having a little runaround before evening birdseed.....

not a bit of it...
camden town... in a large city sainsburys.....busy as usual...
talulla is gawping at the barbecued chickens being cooked on a rotating grill!

she looked so earnest.... it was priceless.
bit wierd though!

[MotherCossack]

earlier this week i went to the royal albert hall to see my 2 middle daughters sing in the camden choir and orchestra festival.
what fun.....
jon snow was compere and did very well...
they highlight for me was their rendition of CARMINA BURANA......
especially knowing that my daughter had only learnt the first half and the 2nd half she would be reduced to hollering in vague pseudo latin;

sors salutis
et virtuatis
mickeynunccontrari
et efflictas
et defectus
temper in angryia
fac in horas
vino sopat
ford coupe tangerit
quad in dortom
helmit totem
mecanton plantifat.... it was such a treat... the drums were massive...8 foot high... i'm sure.
now thats an opportunity that don't come round often... and not in my day....

[MotherCossack]

So... there was the kernal and myself at that there summit... more fog than you could than you could wave a stick at...and assuredly it was of the freezing variety. brrrrrr ..it was chilly in the willy

Now the information that i am about to impart is somewhat personal and a tad embarassing... but for my part i am more than willing to risk ridicule and the collective upshift of the eyebrow of the rev-left community.... in order to relate quite how emphatic was the leap up that my son was willing and able to make to meet the plate that i was forced to put before him.

I was absolutely bursting for a wee wee. It was bad! really bad!
the trouble i had was that.... my bleeding fingers were gone [not literally.... it werent that bad] but as good as... when i tried to address myself to the task of undoing my waterproof trousers and those underneath ... i found i had a major problem.... my hands had lost 200% of function!.... i.e. they had become nothing more than an obstacle... there was me banging them in the direction of the fastener, over and over again... whilst my brain implored them to form the, well rehearsed task in hand... nothing... they were two whopping blobs of floppy digitery capable of not a thing!

"I say! HEY SON! OHMEGOD! PIP!!!" [a nickname that has belonged to the colonel since birth... well before actually ... but thats another story]

"PIP!!!!!!!!!"
"HELP!!!!!!"
IT'S ABOUT TO COME OUT....AND I CANT UNDO MY BLEEDING TROUSERS!!!!!! ([email protected] ABOUT TO COME OUT....AND I CANT UNDO MY BLEEDING TROUSERS!!!!!!)

[by the way this all took place behind the biggest pile of rocks i could find.....but i did have trouble with the behind bit.... has anyone tried to to find the behind of anything on the top of the highest mountain in uk?
THERE IS NOT ONE!!!!!!

I WAS FAIRLY EXPOSED!!!!!!!!! Thank god for the fog is all i can say!!!!

-oh dear-
finish later!


i have to finish this story....
so there i am trying to have a private pee on the top of ben nevis....
freezing fog,sleet, rain, howling wind , no w.c. [obviously].
i fumble in the general area of my waistline... trying to pull down layers of trouser [3]
"my hands dont work, pip, you have to pull my trousers down or i will wet meself...."
the colonel's eyes roll upwards but to my relief, and surprise, he carries out ,somewhat rubbishly, my request.
i try quickly to do a pee......
then.... uh-oh....it's even harder pulling them up.... i am at the mercy of my young teenage son....
"can you pull them up ,now, pip?" my voice is only a fraction short of hysterical....
so cold..... and my pants down.... aand my hands.... worse than useless...
again up go the eyeballs.... but, again he obliges...and. somewhat unceremoniously hoikes up me trousers.... all 3 pairs .....oh yeah there was me knickers too ....
although i think they got left behind on the way up.... as i seem to remember feeling them half way up my leg and pulling on the trousers which had been pulled up past them
the relief i felt on the completion of that particular toilet break was immeasurable.
and i will be forever in the debt of the venerable colonel cossack.... a lad helpful beyond that which his age would suggest.
nice one kernal....thats one for the memory bank for sure.

[Agent Ducky]

Welcome back, MotherCossack. :lol:

[MotherCossack]

now my mischievous oldest daughter ...who all but got me restricted by posting in a very clearly childish voice on my behalf.. a few months back...
ooh she is a one...
i saw a concrete wall with her name carved deep into it.... long dry and rock hard. i was just walking down a street near where we live.... little minx.....
i bet she has a secret life that i would shudder at...

she is 4 foot 6 and so hard she has her own bench with a table at school in the grounds...
she has mentioned it..... her bench....saw it yesterday.... i assumed there 'd be many such benches..... 3! and only 1 other with a table..... hers is by far the best placed.... she has boasted that if any girl dares to sit there..... well no girl does.

i mean she is only half way through the school.....50% of girls are older than her!
sounds like she has the place well covered! [more, she is august born... the very youngest in her year].
sounds like small person syndrome.....she is more than capable of annihilating any foe.
bit concerned... well would be only too busy doing self-preservation being as i am right in her line of fire.

[MotherCossack]

my lovely little stars put on a show today...
called the eggs factor.... like the x factor only at easter.
it was so sweet... very funny...
the kernal did his usual rendition of 'yipperdy-do-da-yipperdy-day with a seriously nerdy voice... pretty good.
saoirse did loud, loud , loud singing
with talulla who did hilarious miraculous impersonations... i swear she is more australian than a hat with corks
and little laoise who sang bravely and in tune .
they all then put a lot of cushions down their trousers and sang very badly....
'bet you wish your girlfriend was fat like me....
inspired....

such a larf.... having kids is good... when you lot are older you should try it.

[MotherCossack]

Just thought I would comment on the colonel's latest school stuff......
Today he is doing Gcse Chemistry and then an English Literature paper.
Until about 2 days ago he was ... like... wandering around the place... actually stomping around the place.... going like....
"of course I'm revising You dumb Fucking mother!
I need lots of breaks.. my teacher said..." then picking up a book and putting it down and stomping around again....
Then 2 days ago... he puked up all over the place... shouting the pukes ... looked like a waif for 5 minutes.......then actually started to revise...
i hope he saw sense in time....

Poor bleeder... mind you.... i used to like exams... anything to break up the monotony of everyday life....
good luck pip!

[MotherCossack]

Oh yeah... my 2nd daughter is playing a frog in the school musical.... she is made up about it.
The play is Honk!? no idea what it is about...

[Landsharks eat metal]

Oh yeah... my 2nd daughter is playing a frog in the school musical.... she is made up about it.
The play is Honk!? no idea what it is about...

If I'm not mistaken, Honk! is a version of the story of The Ugly Duckling. (Unless it's a different Honk, then I can't help you.)

[homegrown terror]

the first day he came home from the hospital, my son shit on my pants (i was changing his wet diaper and in the process of doing so, his unguarded ass shot a powerful stream of goopy shit straight at my legs)

he's now six months old, and the doctors say he's almost unbelievably advanced. he started crawling just a week past five months, can stand up holding onto furniture, and just today started walking sideways along said furniture. he's been on solids for two months, and he plays with toys designed for 12 month olds. he loves punk rock (the rabble and leftover crack seem to be his favorites) but hates ska :( my kid's awesome.

[Manic Impressive]

I was looking after my niece once. She was about 18 months old couldn't talk but could run around and that. I was carrying her and my brothers cat (it was an evil horrible cat) was hungry and started whining at me to feed it. I was a bit annoyed with the cat so I kicked it, not too hard but just enough for it to stop clawing at my legs. I then put my niece down to go get the cat food. She then starts running after the cat trying to kick it. Copying exactly what I had done. I never told him she learned that from me :sneaky:

[homegrown terror]

I was looking after my niece once. She was about 18 months old couldn't talk but could run around and that. I was carrying her and my brothers cat (it was an evil horrible cat) was hungry and started whining at me to feed it. I was a bit annoyed with the cat so I kicked it, not too hard but just enough for it to stop clawing at my legs. I then put my niece down to go get the cat food. She then starts running after the cat trying to kick it. Copying exactly what I had done. I never told him she learned that from me :sneaky:

as soon as he learned to crawl, my kid started chasing the cat aznd yanking his tail. i can't stand the damn thing, so it makes me happy every time.

[Pretty Flaco]

i dont have kids, but a little kid made me laugh today. i was at work and i was taking a guys order and the kid got nuggets. i asked the kid if he wanted any sauces and then he just shouted "YES!" and ran away before i could find out what kind. then he started running away from his dad when his dad chased him and so his dad tickled him to the floor. little kids are funny :p

[Goblin]

My dream is to adopt a daughter one day:D

[Raúl Duke]

I'm weary of "having" (technically, only women can bear children, but you know what I mean) children...there I said it.

I don't particularly like to interact with the majority of children I've met until they reach a certain age and even then it all depends on personality.

[Agent Ducky]

Playing with little kids is like Whose Line Is It Anyway?: Everything's made up and the points don't matter.

[Agent Ducky]

If I'm not mistaken, Honk! is a version of the story of The Ugly Duckling. (Unless it's a different Honk, then I can't help you.)

It is! My school had this play last year. It's a musical that's basically an adaptation of the Ugly Duckling. It involves a family of geese that are like the Air Force who are trying to help the duckling find his parents (I think. This was a while ago) and a cat that tries to convince the duckling to come with him (presumably to eat him). Oh, and there are hunters that shoot animals.

[MotherCossack]

If I'm not mistaken, Honk! is a version of the story of The Ugly Duckling. (Unless it's a different Honk, then I can't help you.)

I just saw the script......
you are quite right...a bunch of very human animals act, sing and dance the story of The Ugly Duckling.
Wouldn't be my first choice .... but then I'm not a Drama Teacher.....
the things they come up with to sing and dance to....
still if they can yoddle on about a fascist dictator and his tuneful wife...then anything is possible.

[Trap Queen Voxxy]

I think the following sums up my opinions on the matter.

sFBOQzSk14c

I guess I have to adopt though. :(

[Agent Ducky]

My mom is hilariously derpy sometimes.
Today she told me to ask my Canadian friend if they had waffles in Canada.
I told her "No, using a waffle maker would melt the igloos they live in :rolleyes:"

[MotherCossack]

I'm weary of "having" (technically, only women can bear children, but you know what I mean) children...there I said it.

I don't particularly like to interact with the majority of children I've met until they reach a certain age and even then it all depends on personality.


Playing with little kids is like Whose Line Is It Anyway?: Everything's made up and the points don't matter.

Let me enlighten you lot.
I was exactly the same... I mean ... exactly the same!!!!!!!!
At 20 I was so not in with the children thing... it was Oppressive, depressing, perverted, boring, stifling, more of a black hole than heroin addiction.... in that if a girl was not really careful and wary... she could fall down a big hole called getting pregnant and her whole life would be ruined and all would be despair and ruin....
Babies were nasty and kids were awful.... in fact people with offspring were well wierd ..... to be pitied....
And not only that if it did happen then you would be sucked in and lost never again to have a personality or a life of your own.
I really felt all this.....but... this and that happened... the great tiny colonel was conceived [despite being told I was probably infertile] and against all the odds was born ..... grew into a diamond ,little hilarious geaser....his 3 sisters showed up... one at a time... all wicked and stunning.... all much more than worthy of my undivided care and attention...
Motherhood ....it has been so much more than I ever dreamed it could be.... you are laughing.... i would have been exactly the same... it is not possible to get the whole thing until it happens...
All I am saying is... reserve judgement... and if parenthood becomes an option... consider it.... if or when you hold your own baby.... it will be to die for.... trust me.... if not instantly not long after.
I am so proud of the mum in me and of my children.... I do it our way and we are a most wonderfully unique family.

By the way.... as things transpired... my little sister... 2 years younger than me.... has never been able to conceive... she spent 10 years trying everything... then adopted a baby from an indian orphanage... that had been abandoned because of a relatively small birth defect. she has always been very successful ... went to cambridge... worked all over the world... loads of friends... money.... glamour....
I would not change places with her for all the power in the world.... and i suspect she would ... with me.

[The Machine]

my 2 year old daughter is obsessed with boobs

male or female

[MotherCossack]

it is the colonel's last day of compulsory education....
he just went in with his white tee shirty all clean and bare..... waiting for all those crusty teenagers to post obscenities all over... hope he dont get stabbed by the rough kids.
he makes out like he dont care... but i think he is sad really.
one step closer to the joys of adult employment and responsibility.

[Dennis the 'Bloody Peasant']

My lil boy (13 months) recently kissed Thomas the Tank Engine on the TV (he kisses mum and the tv but not me :()
Then a few days ago he pulls too hard on the TV and nearly gets smooshed by it :crying:..the rest of the evening he stayed in his high chair

[MotherCossack]

well so much for rebellious teenager..... live fast..... die young.....
and have a beautiful corpse....[that doesnt sound right... did i get my metaphors muddled up?]
And there was me... worrying that the colonel would go out with these common dubious youths..... be persuaded to consume alcohol.... possibly illicit drugs too.... and get up to all sorts of mischief.....
Instead the popsicle comes in.....his face is covered in a thick layer of chocolate..... loads of the stuff...
what with all the wrappers i find in his back pocket..... front pocket, bag, coat, knicker drawer....i am starting to worry that he might be addicted.

[Agent Ducky]

Better than being addicted to World of Warcraft or something.

[MotherCossack]

well that is most certainly true......although.....
bless him.... he does seem to spend uncommon long on that there MINECRAFT.....
seems like virtual lego only with powers ... "ve have vays of making you play..."..
it drives me nuts.......
i only have to watch the screen for a second and i'm out with serious travel sickness..... how lame is that?

[Quail]

My son's new catchphrase: "Oh god!" Not sure where he picked that up from, but I guess it's good I don't know any religious people :lol: My boyfriend told me he also repeated "fuck!" When I burned myself cooking last week but he hasn't said it since, so fingers crossed... My parents would go crazy if he swore in their presence haha.

[MotherCossack]

kids are guaranteed to repeat the little slip-ups we hope they do not hear........i have many memories when i was so embarassed i turned into a pink slobbering jellyfish...while my kids stood staring, wide-eyed, pulling at my apron....repeating ...."why this.... or why that....?"

[MotherCossack]

the musical was much better than i expected...... honk it was called.
some pretty good singing...... the acting a bit less so....
mine was a froglet...... all that work..... for a very short rivet......
but so much youth and energy......
made me feel so old.

[MotherCossack]

my littlest said.....[a few days ago]....

"mummy.... something really wierd happened to me...
i woke up and.... my face was covered in snot..... it was all over my chin!"

==then my second littlest stated in a matter of fact way==

"thats not snot thats plegm... it came out of your mouth."
bless their little cotton socks.....

[MotherCossack]

ugh!!!!
i am gross!!!!
i apologise for that!

[MotherCossack]

my middle daughter is a card.....
she said:
"mummy, can i have some chocolate?"
i said:
"Have an apple first." she looked blank and said unconvincingly....
"i did!"
her dad called out from next room:
"she did. she had a big one!"
daughter smiled and said... bizarrely....
" oh yeah... i did! i thought i lied..... but then i remembered .... i did..."

her nan said;
"little cossack.... remember not to go into a life of crime!"

[Metacomet]

We brought my 5 month old niece to the beach today and she was fascinated by the sand. She can't sit up by herself yet, so I held her why she half sat/half stood and kicked her feet around in the sand. She kept leaning wayyyyyyy over trying to touch it or put her face in it.

[bad ideas actualised by alcohol]

I want to say to all parents: Stop saying that the blood on the telly is fake, they are kids not idiots!


Ugh, I hated that shit as a kid.

[MotherCossack]

sports day!!!!!!!!!!!! hampstead heath.....
eldest daughter, the pocket-sized, irish, freedom loving bundle of teenage self-centred logic......go on my son... i mean daughter......

3 medals.... 2nd in the 100m
2nd in the 200m

and....
last but not least..... 3rd in the space hopper race!!!
she was epic!!!!!!!!!!!!
now i need to find somewhere for her to join... a running club or something!!!!

hurrray!!

[Ele'ill]

a running club or something!!!!


space to run and personal goals

[MotherCossack]

yeah...... and well i used to run like the wind!!!!!!
i loved it!!!!!!
i knew my legs would always take me as fast as i wanted....
just had to press down on the accelerator..... sheer, unadulterated exhilaration....
i always assumed that it was still there..... my secret motor..... ready to power up..... whenever i wanted!
was i in for a shock.... when the colonel.... aged about 10.... beat me ... in a sprint....
i have since discovered that the only place i can beat my kids is barefoot on the sandy beach...... the sand supports my sad fallen arches and it is an advantage cos kids cant run in sand.
so i wanna encourage her to nurture her speed..... like i wish someone had told me to, back then...

[MotherCossack]

hello there.....check?......check!.... mother head firmly on..... check?.....check!.....

THe colonel got his GCSE results........
anyone interested?????
ok.........
it is official!!!!!!!!!!!
My stroppy and wonky son is a tad cleverer than me.... {and daddy dearest the stalinist grizzly bear, for that matter, but let's keep that one quiet, if you dont mind...}

so.....
1 B.....
3 A's...
6 A*'s...
1 other probable A* to be confirmed.


There you go..... not bad......
he is a lucky beggar..... i think the winds of change are blowing this way...... things are about to get a wee bit tougher......
I feel sorry for the three cossack girls.....
Life is so unfair....
a level playing field????? HA not on your nelly!!!!

[bad ideas actualised by alcohol]

1B? I would have him grounded for at least 6 months.

[MotherCossack]

yeah...... well it dont make no difference.... he is a total minecraft head these days......
i barely get a nod from the geaser!..
the life of a downtrodden mater is a steep, treacherous and incredibly lonely one....... in my humble opinion.....

[MotherCossack]

on holiday a week or so ago... it was my great-aunt's 97th birthday bash... at pizza-hut.
the evening was going pretty well..... well it was at least ok... for that kind of thing.....
got to near the end.... kids had pretty much finished huge bowls of sloppy ice-cream......
so i go and get mine ... from the ice-cream bar..... like a salad bar, only it's sweet....

take the gooey delight back to our table.... eldest daughter makes a beline for my full bowl and tries to scoff it's contents head first....

at first i try to evade her.... then..... it was irresistable......i hsad to do it.....
i pushed her head down into the turd shaped coil of soft ice-cream..... pure heaven....
the satisfaction i felt....... brilliant.....
of course she then stuck her hand in the ruined dessert ....and threw a huge dollop at me......


WE HAD A REAL LIVE FOOD FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!
SUCH first world indulgence!!!!!!
I am, of course, thoroughly ashamed.....
but it was fun and it was a thing i had always wanted to do.... cartoon style....

i hasten to add i did clear up most of the fall-out afterwards....
and left a tip for the first time ever...
a one off that i can honestly say was worth it ....once

[Obs]

This thread's been going since January? People still like children?

[MotherCossack]

This thread's been going since January? People still like children?

Oh Hi Obs!
you're my favourite cute miserable bastard....
i just know there is a heart of gold beating in there somewhere...
you big softy you!

[Quail]

This is going to put you all off having children... My facebook status from this morning:

Ah the joys of parenthood. Nip downstairs for a moment and come back to pooey footprints all over the bathroom with your toddler stood there going, "Pooed. Make footprints!" As disgusting a surprise as it was I had to stop myself from laughing... Potty training is not going well.