Broletariat
6th September 2011, 00:58
An engineer is working at his desk in his office. His cigarette falls off the desk into the wastebasket, causing the papers within to burst into flames. The engineer looks around, sees a fire extinguisher, grabs it, puts out the flames, and goes back to work.
A physicist is working at his desk in another office and the same thing happens. He looks at the fire, looks at the fire extinguisher, and thinks "Fire requires fuel plus oxygen plus heat. The fire extinguisher will remove both the oxygen and the heat in the wastebasket. Ergo, no fire." He grabs the extinguisher, puts out the flames, and goes back to work.
A mathematician is working at his desk in another office and the same thing happens. He looks at the fire, looks at the fire extinguisher, and thinks for a minute, says "Ah! A solution exists!" and goes back to work.
A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.
The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."
The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."
a mathematician, physicist, and engineer watch a house.
two people go in. 'now there are two people in the house,' they say.
three people come out.
'they must have reproduced,' says the engineer
'we must have miscounted,' says the physicist
'now there are negative one people in the house,' says the mathematician
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train through Scotland.
The engineer looks out the window, sees a black sheep, and exclaims, "Hey! They've got black sheep in Scotland!"
The physicist looks out the window and corrects the engineer, "Strictly speaking, all we know is that there's at least one black sheep in Scotland."
The mathematician looks out the window and corrects the physicist, " Strictly speaking, all we know is that is that at least one side of one sheep is black in Scotland."
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are given the task of finding how high a particular red rubber ball will bounce when dropped from a given height onto a given surface.
The mathematician derives the elasticity of the ball from its chemical makeup, derives the equations to determine how high it will bounce and calculates it.
The physicist takes the ball into the lab, measures its elasticity, and plugs the variables into a formula.
The engineer looks it up in his red rubber ball book.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer, took their final test for the job. The sole question in the exam was "how much is one plus one".
The math dude asked the receptionist for a ream of paper, two hours later, he said: "I have proven its a natural number"
The physicist, after checking parallax error and quantum tables said: "It's between 1.9999999999, and 2.0000000001"
The engineer quickly said: "Oh! It's easy! It's two,.... no, better make it three, just to be safe."
A physicist and an engineer are in a hot-air balloon. They've been drifting for hours, and have no idea where they are. They see another person in a balloon, and call out to her: "Hey, where are we?" She replies, "You're in a balloon," and drifts off again. The engineer says to the physicist, "That person was obviously a mathematician." The physicist replies, "How do you know that?" "Because what she said was completely true, but utterly useless."
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given $50 to measure the height of a building.
The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes the height of the building.
The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he establishes the height of the building.
The engineer puts $40 into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the other ten, he establishes the height of the building.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
The three umpires at an amateur baseball game, an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician during the week, all call a player out on what could only be described as a close call. The coach of the player who thought he'd made the base asked the umpires why they'd called his player out.
The engineer replied "He's out 'cause I called it as it was.''
The physicist replied "He's out 'cause I called it like I saw it.''
The mathematician replied "He's out 'cause I called him out.''
Three men, a physicist, a engineer and a computer scientist, are traveling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops.
The three astonished men try to solve the problem:
The Physicist says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque. It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of the main axis.
The Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.
The Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute, and then get in and try again?
A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed for a job. In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last question is asked: "How much is one plus one?"
Each of them suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer.
The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but I think it converges".
The physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of one"
The engineer gets up, closes the door to the office, and says "How much do you want it to be?"
There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills.
He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem.
A mathematician and a physicist are trying to measure the height of a flag pole using a long tape measure. The mathematician takes the tape measure, walks up to the flag pole, and begins to shinny up the pole. A short way up, he slips and falls down.
The physicist notices a ladder lying nearby in the bushes. He leans the ladder against the pole, but it reaches only half way up. He climbs the ladder and tries to shinny up from there, but he also slips and falls.
While they sit near the pole scratching their heads, an engineer walks by, so the mathematician and the physicist tell him their problem. The engineer notices a crank at the base of the flag pole. He turns the crank, and the flag pole tilts over until it lies on the ground. The engineer stretches out the tape measure, cranks the pole back up, and tells the mathematician and the physicist: 'It is 15 meters.'
As the engineer walks off into the distance, the mathematician looks at the physicist and says: 'Isn't that just like an engineer? You ask him for the height, and he gives you the length.'
A businessman needed to employ a quantitative type person. He wasn't sure if he should get a mathematician, an engineer, or an applied mathematician. As it happened, all the applicants were male.
The businessman devised a test. The mathematician came first. Miss How, the administrative assistant took him into the hall. At the end of the hall, lounging on a couch, was a beautiful woman. Miss How said, "You may only go half the distance at a time. When you reach the end, you may kiss our model." The mathematician explained how he would never get there in a finite number of iterations and politely excused himself.
Then came the engineer. He quickly bounded halfway down the hall, then halfway again, and so on. Soon he declared he was
well within accepted error tolerance and grabbed the beautiful woman and kissed her.
Finally it was the applied mathematician's turn. Miss How explained the rules. The applied mathematician listened politely, then grabbed Miss How and gave her a big smooch. "What was that about?" she cried. "Well, you see I'm an applied mathematician. If I can't solve the problem, I change it!"
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group
were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a
surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging
overhead. The first to react was the general practitioner who
raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will
have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the
bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the
pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it
was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have
babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,
as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's
identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a
duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled
with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!!
The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to
the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will
you?"
Four professors (An engineer, a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
"Brute force is the answer" says the engineer. "If we hit it enough we can put it out".
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While they debate what course to take, they are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
A priest, a surgeon, and an engineer go golfing. They are constantly annoyed with a slow group in front of them. On almost every hole, they wait twenty minutes while the foursome ahead hits all over the course. Finally, on a hole near the clubhouse, they see the course manager and flag him over.
"What's up with the group ahead?" They ask. "They're really slowing down the rate of play."
The course manager explains, "Oh, those are four firemen. Last year, the clubhouse caught fire, and they worked 18 hours straight to put out the fire. Unfortunately, the fire surged unexpectedly near the end, and the intense heat blinded all four brave souls, permanently costing them their eyesight. We let them play for free ever since as a small token of our appreciation."
The priest replies, "I'm dreadfully saddened to hear that, I'll say a special prayer for them every day."
The surgeon adds, "I'll contact the ophthalmologist in my office and see if he knows of any restorative procedures that could be performed."
The engineer chimes in, "So... can't they play at night instead?"
There was a mad scientist who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...
Three hungry cannibals --- who were a chemist, a physicist and an engineer --- found a human thigh bone.
The chemist licked it, and put it in water to try to dissolve it.
The physicist tried to break it open to get at the marrow.
The engineer took it, hit the other two over the head, and ate them.
The chair of the physics department goes to the provost for the annual budget review. "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we have a lot of exciting things going on in the department - some potential Noble-prize winning stuff. The bad news is we need a new particle accelerator which will cost $10M."
The Provost is shocked. "That is a lot of money. It is incredible to me how different departments need different things. Why can't you be more like the math department? They only want Paper, Pencils and wastebaskets. And the philosophy department doesn't even want the wastebaskets..."
Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT31=DEC25
The limit as GPA approaches 0 of an engineering major = business major.
There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it."
Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."
A 747 was flying along and was full of Polish people. As they were going past some beautiful landmarks, the pilot came over the intercom and instructed all who were interested in seeing the landmark to look out the right side of the plane. Many passengers did so, and the plane promply crashed. Why?
Too many poles in the right hand plane.
What a scientist actually means when they say things.
"It has long been known that..."
I haven't bothered to look up the original reference.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions..."
The experiment didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
"High purity ...", "Very high purity...", "Extremely high purity...", "Super high purity..."
Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claim of the suppliers.
"...accidentally strained during mounting"
...dropped on the floor.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding..."
I don't understand it.
A physicist is working at his desk in another office and the same thing happens. He looks at the fire, looks at the fire extinguisher, and thinks "Fire requires fuel plus oxygen plus heat. The fire extinguisher will remove both the oxygen and the heat in the wastebasket. Ergo, no fire." He grabs the extinguisher, puts out the flames, and goes back to work.
A mathematician is working at his desk in another office and the same thing happens. He looks at the fire, looks at the fire extinguisher, and thinks for a minute, says "Ah! A solution exists!" and goes back to work.
A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.
The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."
The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."
a mathematician, physicist, and engineer watch a house.
two people go in. 'now there are two people in the house,' they say.
three people come out.
'they must have reproduced,' says the engineer
'we must have miscounted,' says the physicist
'now there are negative one people in the house,' says the mathematician
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train through Scotland.
The engineer looks out the window, sees a black sheep, and exclaims, "Hey! They've got black sheep in Scotland!"
The physicist looks out the window and corrects the engineer, "Strictly speaking, all we know is that there's at least one black sheep in Scotland."
The mathematician looks out the window and corrects the physicist, " Strictly speaking, all we know is that is that at least one side of one sheep is black in Scotland."
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are given the task of finding how high a particular red rubber ball will bounce when dropped from a given height onto a given surface.
The mathematician derives the elasticity of the ball from its chemical makeup, derives the equations to determine how high it will bounce and calculates it.
The physicist takes the ball into the lab, measures its elasticity, and plugs the variables into a formula.
The engineer looks it up in his red rubber ball book.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer, took their final test for the job. The sole question in the exam was "how much is one plus one".
The math dude asked the receptionist for a ream of paper, two hours later, he said: "I have proven its a natural number"
The physicist, after checking parallax error and quantum tables said: "It's between 1.9999999999, and 2.0000000001"
The engineer quickly said: "Oh! It's easy! It's two,.... no, better make it three, just to be safe."
A physicist and an engineer are in a hot-air balloon. They've been drifting for hours, and have no idea where they are. They see another person in a balloon, and call out to her: "Hey, where are we?" She replies, "You're in a balloon," and drifts off again. The engineer says to the physicist, "That person was obviously a mathematician." The physicist replies, "How do you know that?" "Because what she said was completely true, but utterly useless."
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given $50 to measure the height of a building.
The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes the height of the building.
The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he establishes the height of the building.
The engineer puts $40 into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the other ten, he establishes the height of the building.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
The three umpires at an amateur baseball game, an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician during the week, all call a player out on what could only be described as a close call. The coach of the player who thought he'd made the base asked the umpires why they'd called his player out.
The engineer replied "He's out 'cause I called it as it was.''
The physicist replied "He's out 'cause I called it like I saw it.''
The mathematician replied "He's out 'cause I called him out.''
Three men, a physicist, a engineer and a computer scientist, are traveling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops.
The three astonished men try to solve the problem:
The Physicist says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque. It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of the main axis.
The Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.
The Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute, and then get in and try again?
A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed for a job. In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last question is asked: "How much is one plus one?"
Each of them suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer.
The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but I think it converges".
The physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of one"
The engineer gets up, closes the door to the office, and says "How much do you want it to be?"
There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills.
He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem.
A mathematician and a physicist are trying to measure the height of a flag pole using a long tape measure. The mathematician takes the tape measure, walks up to the flag pole, and begins to shinny up the pole. A short way up, he slips and falls down.
The physicist notices a ladder lying nearby in the bushes. He leans the ladder against the pole, but it reaches only half way up. He climbs the ladder and tries to shinny up from there, but he also slips and falls.
While they sit near the pole scratching their heads, an engineer walks by, so the mathematician and the physicist tell him their problem. The engineer notices a crank at the base of the flag pole. He turns the crank, and the flag pole tilts over until it lies on the ground. The engineer stretches out the tape measure, cranks the pole back up, and tells the mathematician and the physicist: 'It is 15 meters.'
As the engineer walks off into the distance, the mathematician looks at the physicist and says: 'Isn't that just like an engineer? You ask him for the height, and he gives you the length.'
A businessman needed to employ a quantitative type person. He wasn't sure if he should get a mathematician, an engineer, or an applied mathematician. As it happened, all the applicants were male.
The businessman devised a test. The mathematician came first. Miss How, the administrative assistant took him into the hall. At the end of the hall, lounging on a couch, was a beautiful woman. Miss How said, "You may only go half the distance at a time. When you reach the end, you may kiss our model." The mathematician explained how he would never get there in a finite number of iterations and politely excused himself.
Then came the engineer. He quickly bounded halfway down the hall, then halfway again, and so on. Soon he declared he was
well within accepted error tolerance and grabbed the beautiful woman and kissed her.
Finally it was the applied mathematician's turn. Miss How explained the rules. The applied mathematician listened politely, then grabbed Miss How and gave her a big smooch. "What was that about?" she cried. "Well, you see I'm an applied mathematician. If I can't solve the problem, I change it!"
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group
were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a
surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging
overhead. The first to react was the general practitioner who
raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will
have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the
bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the
pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it
was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have
babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,
as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's
identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a
duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled
with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!!
The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to
the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will
you?"
Four professors (An engineer, a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
"Brute force is the answer" says the engineer. "If we hit it enough we can put it out".
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While they debate what course to take, they are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
A priest, a surgeon, and an engineer go golfing. They are constantly annoyed with a slow group in front of them. On almost every hole, they wait twenty minutes while the foursome ahead hits all over the course. Finally, on a hole near the clubhouse, they see the course manager and flag him over.
"What's up with the group ahead?" They ask. "They're really slowing down the rate of play."
The course manager explains, "Oh, those are four firemen. Last year, the clubhouse caught fire, and they worked 18 hours straight to put out the fire. Unfortunately, the fire surged unexpectedly near the end, and the intense heat blinded all four brave souls, permanently costing them their eyesight. We let them play for free ever since as a small token of our appreciation."
The priest replies, "I'm dreadfully saddened to hear that, I'll say a special prayer for them every day."
The surgeon adds, "I'll contact the ophthalmologist in my office and see if he knows of any restorative procedures that could be performed."
The engineer chimes in, "So... can't they play at night instead?"
There was a mad scientist who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...
Three hungry cannibals --- who were a chemist, a physicist and an engineer --- found a human thigh bone.
The chemist licked it, and put it in water to try to dissolve it.
The physicist tried to break it open to get at the marrow.
The engineer took it, hit the other two over the head, and ate them.
The chair of the physics department goes to the provost for the annual budget review. "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we have a lot of exciting things going on in the department - some potential Noble-prize winning stuff. The bad news is we need a new particle accelerator which will cost $10M."
The Provost is shocked. "That is a lot of money. It is incredible to me how different departments need different things. Why can't you be more like the math department? They only want Paper, Pencils and wastebaskets. And the philosophy department doesn't even want the wastebaskets..."
Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT31=DEC25
The limit as GPA approaches 0 of an engineering major = business major.
There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it."
Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."
A 747 was flying along and was full of Polish people. As they were going past some beautiful landmarks, the pilot came over the intercom and instructed all who were interested in seeing the landmark to look out the right side of the plane. Many passengers did so, and the plane promply crashed. Why?
Too many poles in the right hand plane.
What a scientist actually means when they say things.
"It has long been known that..."
I haven't bothered to look up the original reference.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions..."
The experiment didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
"High purity ...", "Very high purity...", "Extremely high purity...", "Super high purity..."
Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claim of the suppliers.
"...accidentally strained during mounting"
...dropped on the floor.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding..."
I don't understand it.