Mostly female friends

[caramelpence]

I'm a bicurious male and a very high proportion of my close friends are women. All of my best friends are. I find it very difficult to have the same level of closeness with men, even though there are plenty of men I get on well with. I've never found this to be a problem as such and I've never had anyone assume I'm gay on that basis (since men having only or mostly female friends is generally taken to mean that they're gay, having done a few google searches) but I am interested in whether anyone else is in the same situation (of having only or mostly female friends) and whether it has any significance, in terms of why some men end up in that situation, how men experience friendship differently depending on whether the friend is male or female, and so on. I'd also be interested in hearing from any female members who have only or mostly male friends and their experiences. Weirdly enough, despite having very close and comfortable platonic relationships with women, I am much less confident when it comes to romantic relationships and having feelings for women.

[Red Future]

Interestingly this is the case for me too Caramelpence.I really dont know why but I seem to get on better with the opposite sex in making friendships.I guess it is something to do with my relatively easygoing nature and respectful attitude towards Women in general.

Thinking about this the latter point probably seems to be the case why ..I lack a domineering , assertive male personality.

[brigadista]

you both sound very nice:):)

[praxis1966]

I think there are several dynamics at work here. Speaking from personal experience as somebody who from about the sixth through the twelfth grades was in your exact same position, carmelpence, I think on some level it has to do with maturation rates if you're still school aged. I don't want to toot my own horn, but I kind of believe on an emotional level I matured quite a bit faster than most of my male classmates. Now I don't buy into the notion of biological determinism, but just as a passing observation I do believe that by and large girls mature faster emotionally than boys. Hence, I had an easier time communicating with and relating to my female classmates.

It wasn't until much later that I actually started acquiring large numbers of male friends, sometime shortly after high school. On one level, I think this may have had to do with the fact that they started growing up a bit... However, on another, I had by then learned to "bro it up" as basically a coping mechanism. I've always been a bit of a sensitive and sentimental guy (probably one of the reasons I like the Non-Poli forum so much; because it allows me to engage a side of my personality that I actually like, lol), but those qualities are ones that get punished rather than rewarded under patriarchal hegemony... Basically what I'm saying is, I had to learn how to strut like an idiot and use insults to show affection with my male friends in order to even cope with some farcical notion of manhood. Traditional "maleness" is not a concept I'm at all comfortable with, but it's something I had to learn to some degree in order to even function around other men.

[Nox]

It's worth noting that the only thing that differs men and women are physical characteristics. Relationships are built on mental characteristics so it's not surprising or unusual at all that you have alot of friendships with women.

[Il Medico]

Right now I'd say 70% of the people I hang out with are female and about 90% are queer in some way. I can literally count on one hand the number of straight guys I'm friends with. If you're wondering thats about two and one of them is metro as hell so I'm not sure if he counts. Funnily enough though, hes the only one that I have a 'bro' relationship with, at least as Praxis describes.

[Susurrus]

I have very few friends, but they are mostly female as well. I chalk this up to my being socially awkward and going to an arts school with a female-male ratio of 4:1

[Manic Impressive]

I've never had a majority of female friends but some of my closest friends have been female. In general terms I find that it's easier to be emotionally honest with female friends and can laugh about different things. I've probably done the opposite of the previous posters as I've learned to adjust my behaviour to embrace my "feminine" side and in doing so it shows that not only in my perspective but in others as well that I'm secure enough to behave anyway I choose.

[Decolonize The Left]

It's worth noting that the only thing that differs men and women are physical characteristics. Relationships are built on mental characteristics so it's not surprising or unusual at all that you have alot of friendships with women.

This, while admirable as an idea, is totally untrue.

While women and men certainly do differ physically, and one could claim that this is the basis of their difference as sexes (not genders), each are trained from day 1 to think a certain way about this and act a certain way.
Each are trained to perform their gender roles as they develop and evolve as a person, and so men and women are conditioned to be different mentally and psychologically. Their differences are by no means relegated to physical characteristics.

The whole point is to recognize that this happens and mediate against it as you can.

- August

[praxis1966]

See, what MPT and August are talking about is basically what I was dancing around I think, only perhaps I didn't articulate it in the best possible way. I think it's probably accurate that the explanation as to why, for instance, girls mature emotionally faster than boys is because they're gender programmed on a social level to be in touch with their feelings whereas boys are told the opposite. Of course, it didn't help that I was raised in the South, where that kind of crap is carried to an extreme...

[Luisrah]

Oh it all depends on the person. I relate myself a lot to what praxis said in his first post in this thread.

I am a guy and I'm sort of dating a girl. But we are stereotypical opposites in terms of gender.

I'm usually the one who wants to explore feelings, that likes to talk every issue to death, worries a lot, does things for her and isn't harsh of fights because I don't want her to get angry or hurt. I'm the one who has to set dates all the time etc

On the other hand she isn't so worried, doesn't like to tell when she has a problem or if she is sad or angry, likes her own space and time etc

Stereotypically it should be the other way around. Sometimes I feel like the girl in this relationship lol

So don't worry about that.

[brigadista]

See, what MPT and August are talking about is basically what I was dancing around I think, only perhaps I didn't articulate it in the best possible way. I think it's probably accurate that the explanation as to why, for instance, girls mature emotionally faster than boys is because they're gender programmed on a social level to be in touch with their feelings whereas boys are told the opposite. Of course, it didn't help that I was raised in the South, where that kind of crap is carried to an extreme...

i think that actually girls are socialised to be caregivers and boys some of the recipients of that care inmho that is why girls have to mature quickly due to the emotional responsibily expectations on them from an early age

[ellipsis]

I am actually having continuous problems with non-spoken communication with females I meet at FNB. None of it matters because I am in a monogamous relationship but still it makes me wonder.

For example yesterday I was chatting up a lovely young lady over a spliff and was trying to talk like I knew somethings. At one point she smiled and looked at me after I said "in Argentina you either live in buenos aires or in "las provincias"". I asked her what was up and she was all like "oh nothing im just stoned... ok well im going to go cut up more food." Luckily I didn't mention I was a LAS studies major, nothing like a white kid trying to impress a Venezuelan girl by telling her about her own country...

But then she followed me to bum a cigarette, twice. Also she invited me to a party at her place today.

How do you tell somebody "the revolution is my boyfriend! and mirabella is my girlfriend!"?

Or am I full of myself?

[Il Medico]

I am actually having continuous problems with non-spoken communication with females I meet at FNB. None of it matters because I am in a monogamous relationship but still it makes me wonder.

For example yesterday I was chatting up a lovely young lady over a spliff and was trying to talk like I knew somethings. At one point she smiled and looked at me after I said "in Argentina you either live in buenos aires or in "las provincias"". I asked her what was up and she was all like "oh nothing im just stoned... ok well im going to go cut up more food." Luckily I didn't mention I was a LAS studies major, nothing like a white kid trying to impress a Venezuelan girl by telling her about her own country...

But then she followed me to bum a cigarette, twice. Also she invited me to a party at her place today.

How do you tell somebody "the revolution is my boyfriend! and mirabella is my girlfriend!"?

Or am I full of myself?
Or she might just want to hang out with you and be your friend. I know lots of people, including myself, who will likely offer to chill and go beyond just being acquaintances fairly quickly if we feel you're a chill person. I wouldn't worry about it unless she starts making advances, then just kindly inform her you're taken.

[ellipsis]

I mean I realize likely she was just being friendly, but my point was that I can't really tell. I am having lots of social problems right now so this is kinda a manifestation of that.

[Decolonize The Left]

Go to the party man. You'll never know until you're there. It could be like the good Doc says and it's all chill. Or she could make a move and you're all "look I'm sorry but I have a girlfriend. I'd still like to be friends and kick it and all but I just thought you should know."

She'll appreciate that you were honest about it (if it's even and issue).

- August

[ellipsis]

Well part of the problem here is I don't really care to be friends or anything with this girl, shes just some random young woman at FNB. I really do my best not to be friendly a lot of the time, which is why this unsolicited attention was so wierd, came out of left field.

But no its not an issue, just me being a curmudgeon. A cute girl smiles at me and I can't even be happy about it. :D

Edit: So now I am thinking I should go to said party, if only to get out of the house on a friday night.

[black magick hustla]

most of my friends are female. i don't like being surrounded by testosterone. it isn't necessarily something sexual. even if i am with female friends i get less bored than in a sausagefest, unless the guys in the sausagefest are particularly interesting. i like masculinity, but in a very strange and obscure way

[bcbm]

i hang out with 'the guys' sometimes and they are all kind of pieces of shit in private when surrounded by other guys

[REVLEFT'S BIEGGST MATSER TROL]

Man see I actually like drinking beer with my guy friends and talking about attractive women and insulting each other. Seriously, I have no idea how i'd respond if a guy was showing affection without insults, it'd make me feel uncomfortable for some reason, like I wouldn't know how to respond properly.

[Nothing Human Is Alien]

Me too.

"Women made such swell friends. Awfully swell. In the first place you had to be in love with a woman to have a basis of friendship." - Ernest Hemingway

[bcbm]

Man see I actually like drinking beer with my guy friends and talking about attractive women and insulting each other. Seriously, I have no idea how i'd respond if a guy was showing affection without insults, it'd make me feel uncomfortable for some reason, like I wouldn't know how to respond properly.

i mean i'm not saying this isn't fun sometimes but idk i guess i'm just not used to it or its too aggressive with the guys i know now, in the past most of my guy friends were like anarchy kids so it was different. its still nice sometimes to just 'bro out' i guess but i don't really enjoy calling my friends faggots or talking about women's asses or cat calling or whatever

[black magick hustla]

i agree. when i went to mexico and sat with my old friends i felt that way. i don't care about talking about women asses or pretending that i get laid more than i do while lashing out our latent sexual repression through latent homosexual bromance

[Quail]

I have a lot of male friends, so I suppose I'm kind of the opposite. I'm not really very "girly" though so I guess I didn't really bond with my female house mates in the first year of uni.

[praxis1966]

I have a lot of male friends, so I suppose I'm kind of the opposite. I'm not really very "girly" though so I guess I didn't really bond with my female house mates in the first year of uni.

My partner is the same way. She's had mostly male friends her whole life, I've had mostly female. I'm starting to think this has something to do with why we operate on a level that's completely the opposite from traditional gender roles, lol.

[Desperado]

Seemingly trivial things like ball skills (most of the boys at my primary used to play football, every day) often at a young age affects which gender we socialise with - I wonder what affect this has on our so called "feminine /masculine" development. Would any of the members here who have more female friends care to give some anecdotal evidence for/against this?

(I certainly was never very good at football and such, but today I'd say my friends are probably 7:3 boys to girls)

[Desperado]

It must certainly depend on the environments - in school (especially at the 6-14 age) there was always a social conformity for boys to be friends with boys, whereas in music clubs and the like the situation was far more liberal.

[maskerade]

I've never been one to have a lot of friends, but since leaving high school most of the close friends I have made are female. Before I pretty much only had male friends. I'm actually living with two girls next year. For some reason I can't really make friends with other guys that easily, I just feel that I can't relate at all to most things they have to say, and everything becomes some sort of twisted competition that I never signed up for. Maybe it's just because I'm a bit socially awkward and girls tend to be more understanding and patient...and I find that they're just easier to talk to.

I don't think sexuality plays a part (at least not in my example), as I am heterosexual and have a girlfriend.

I also agree a bit with the Hemingway quote, as I became friends with some girls after having drunkenly hooked up with them (what that says about my male prowess I don't know).

[Jose Gracchus]

I grow weary of endless farcical dick-measuring contests and pitiful vestigial fragments of real tribal or band (or hell, even workers') solidarity, like going to bullshit like professional sports contests, and caring about what assemblage of desperate working-class guys some bourgeois asshole managed to trade and assemble some given year, hoping to make a buck.

Or everything BMH said. I have some male friends. But I don't dig misogyny and sexism and broad generalizations and slurs about women, especially since I have a serious partner. For all the chutzpah, I find women are much more likely to be honest most of the time than men are, once you get to know them. And I find keeping up the pretense with most men to be an exhausting chore.

[punisa]

This is a rather interesting subject.
I had a great female friend and it was amazing spending time together. We went all over the place.. drinking, partying, concerts etc.
But it all ended wrong...
Despite the fact that she is really one attractive young lady, I met her during the time when I had some emotional ups n downs and ever since we became friends I considered her just that - a friend.

To cut the story short, after few months she openly said she fancies me and would like to sleep with me.
I thanked her for the compliment and said that I'm really not interested. Close friendship simply does not equate to sexual attraction in my head.
Unfortunately she took this as a huge rejection and we soon became distant. She event went so far to spread the rumor that I'm 100% homosexual, lol :p

[Pretty Flaco]

i always assumed guys who's friends were all girls were gay, but i guess that's both judgmental and prejudiced in my part. :unsure:

[Manic Impressive]

I grow weary of endless farcical dick-measuring contests and pitiful vestigial fragments of real tribal or band (or hell, even workers') solidarity, like going to bullshit like professional sports contests, and caring about what assemblage of desperate working-class guys some bourgeois asshole managed to trade and assemble some given year, hoping to make a buck.

Or everything BMH said. I have some male friends. But I don't dig misogyny and sexism and broad generalizations and slurs about women, especially since I have a serious partner. For all the chutzpah, I find women are much more likely to be honest most of the time than men are, once you get to know them. And I find keeping up the pretense with most men to be an exhausting chore.
it's strange the way men who are not particularly masculine look down on those who are. If someone were to go on a rant about things that interest non masculine men they'd probably be restricted or banned. Not that I feel that way in the slightest, just that I don't tend to hold prejudices due to people's interests or the way they behave. It's also a massively sweeping generalization to say that all men who are masculine are patriarchal and sexist.

[caramelpence]

Interesting comments - thanks everyone! After some thinking I also find that for me it's a lot to do with the nature of conversation and the general "vibe" in all-male situations or situations that are heavily dominated by men...particularly the undercurrent of aggression and competition that you seem to get a lot of the time. It is true, I think, that personal relationships with women permit more honesty.

[ellipsis]

particularly the undercurrent of aggression and competition that you seem to get a lot of the time.

I am not a big fan either. For example I don't like situations where it is one attractive young woman, especially one I don't know and many other men/guys. I hate fighting to talk to the woman or competing in conversation, so I will usually just ignore her. Believe it or not women notice this and approve. One time I had this women stop me as I was leaving and ask me to introduce myself.

Of course for any "Taoists" you should know whats up.

[UnknownPerson]

As a child, I used to play outside all the time, and 95% of my friends were girls, until I turned 9-10 or so. From 10 to 12 most (60-70%) of my friends were boys and then I stopped playing outside so much as I grew out of it.
After this, I found myself to be unable to have friends in real life - when the socializing environment moved from 'playing outside' to mostly talking.

Also, I'm not gay.

[ellipsis]

Also, I'm not gay.

Glad we got that out of the way.:rolleyes:

[manic expression]

Hmm, why the poo-pooing of male social circles? I've always found it interesting that the coolest girls I know hate hanging out with girls. Something to do with the politics and in-fighting of some circles of women, I think.

Anyway, as for me, I'll chill with guys or girls. Both are a lot of fun with the right people.

[La Comédie Noire]

Yeah being a white male sucks because then other white males think you
are safe to talk about all the racist, homophobic, and sexist things the "pc police" won't let them.

I do have an even number of my and girl friends though. I just don't like talking about sex in disgusting detail like they do.


I am not a big fan either. For example I don't like situations where it is one attractive young woman, especially one I don't know and many other men/guys. I hate fighting to talk to the woman or competing in conversation, so I will usually just ignore her. Believe it or not women notice this and approve. One time I had this women stop me as I was leaving and ask me to introduce myself.

Yeah man, I usually bow out of stupid little contests like that to, because then you start saying stupid things you would never say.